Original subtitles

No seconds.

And be honest. I can take it.

Actually, I never eat after dinner.

I want to get to know him,

because he's my father.

This is actually an area of the camp that we consider off limits.

We were only there for, like, five minutes.

There were these other kids there from the other camp.

You should go for it. I think you'd be cute together.

One, two...

So your girlfriend rolls a Honda

Playin' workout tapes by Fonda

but Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda

So it goes step, step, down... Beyoncé hand.

- No, like... - Yeah, OK, so it's...

My anaconda don't want none

Unless you got buns, hon

What's up, ladybug?

Well, Carter said she was gonna do a talent with me,

And then she... She just backed out last minute,

and now I don't have anyone to do something with.

Oh, well, what about Chloe and Amber?

They just seem like they have everything set.

Just ask them.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

So, it's step, step, kick...

Hold it, what comes after the kick?

So you can do side bends or sit-ups

But please don't lose that butt

And then we could turn, like...

No, my butt looks better in profile.

Actually...

...depends where Trent's gonna be sitting.

Switch sides. This is my good side

But what if this is my good side?

You have two good sides, I have none.

Chloe, you have such a better butt than me!

That's so not true!

Can we skip the nightly "who's fatter" contest?

This is a private conversation.

Come on, let's rehearse outside.

Wait, what comes after the kick?

Now I won't sleep tonight.

I can't believe I was ever friends with her.

Wait, you used to be friends with Chloe?

How did such a fate befall you?

You said "befall. "

I did. I need counseling.

She was a completely different person last summer.

She used to be a person?

We were actually really close.

Then I guess it turned out I wasn't cool enough.

It's like our friendship never existed, so...

She's so judgmental.

She's jealous.

Like, last year I was like a size 18?

And the more weight I lost, the more girls here started to hate me.

It's normal.

Uh... listen... If you need more people...

Sure. I mean...

Thanks, but...

I mean, it's hard enough figuring it out with just us.

- But thanks. - Yeah, thanks!

OK, start from the beginning.

OK, one, two...

I like big butts...

So whoever made that turtle

and neglected to glaze it,

it is still in the arts and crafts hut.

- If you wish to claim it, see Poppy. - Good morning!

Or it will be smashed to bits in front of you,

if that's your choice.

Lastly... Talent Night!

It's not too late to participate!

My talent is fun-sucking.

I can literally suck the fun out of any situation.

If I may say.

...hidden talents that you might have.

So sing a song, tell a joke...

- Hey, Chloe. - Do a dance.

I think there's even an old magic kit in the rec room...

...somewhere... and I seem to remember

that Salty knows a little bit of magic. Don't you, Salty?

No seconds.

This popover worries me.

You know, I found her a great chef.

You lost weight just smelling this person's food.

But who does she go with? This guy.

- I love this popover. - Why?

- Because it's moist... - No, why him?

- What's he even done? - Dr. Rand would never...

You just like it because it's stuffed with cheese.

Stuff anything with cheese, people lose their minds.

Low fat cheese.

You really think he's making it taste this good without fat?

I mean, look at him.

I'm saying something.

I'll... arm wrestle you for it.

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Hail to thee Camp Victory

Where hope shines like a star

Although the summer sun may set

We promise we'll not soon forget

- Camp Victory - How wonderful you are

My mom makes this incredible French toast.

With, like, cream cheese inside it.

Ooh.

I miss that French toast more than I miss her.

Here's what I do: Cookie dough ice cream...

...microwaved.

Then I put peanut butter on top. Then...

Wait for it...

...trail mix.

- Eww! - No, it's so good.

It's delicious. Stop!

- Best breakfast so far. - Totally.

Will, you have to do your Rand impression for talent night.

- Yeah. - Do you have a hair thing?

Come on, you have to. Please?

I'm not your trained seal.

You know, if you rehearse something for talent night?

You get to skip an activity.

I'm in. Wait a second...

No. You said yes! No backsies!

Sometimes she likes to shoot a few hoops before first activity.

Oh, I'm not sure she'd want me to tell people that.

Tell me what?

So are you doing something for Talent Night?

Maybe. I'm trying to write a song...

Wow.

Bear in mind I've only written two songs...

...two and a half... in my life.

I kinda hate both of them.

I'm saving mine.

I made this with olive oil instead of margarine.

It's the good kind of fat.

You remember that altercation?

Some of the kids from our camp

had with some kids from tennis camp?

They hired a land surveyor...

To determine the property line!

I don't have any pictures of you, from when you were little.

Your mother kept them all.

That could be him... Yes...?

It's me, Shay.

- It's important. - Come in.

- Oh. - I'll be right back.

- Um... - Yeah?

She's a bundle of nerves.

Like her mother.

She doesn't get that from me.

He'll be here any second. What's up?

Um...

Well...

Um...

One of the kids might be doing an imitation of you.

- For Talent Night. - Oh.

Is it Will?

Yeah.

I just thought that you should know. You know?

Well, you're expecting someone.

I've got Kickboxing with Shay.

Why would she assume I'd have a problem

with someone imitating me?

Will's the girl who likes basketball, right?

I have no idea what she likes.

Except being overweight, she loves that.

"My fat's my BFF!"

May I help you?

- Ms. Rand? - Dr. Rand.

And this is my... our chef, Mr. Salzniak.

Hi, uh... Lake Knoll Tennis camp

asked me to take a look at your property line.

I left you a few messages?

Yes, you left me quite a few, Mr...

- Wayne. - Mr. Wayne. Yes, I...

Wayne's my first name.

I see, well, I couldn't return...

I'm not Batman. Isn't that Batman's last name?

- Bruce Wayne, yeah. - ... to return your messages,

because I have my own camp to run.

Uh, would you excuse us just a minute?

Dot?

Uh, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

OK, why are you calling me Dot?

I always called you Dot.

When you were little.

Did you hear what I said about flies?

I don't care about flies.

I just need to walk the property line, if that's OK.

But if it's not, you'll do it anyway, right?

I mean, you work for them, not me.

He's not on anybody's side, Dot.

I'm not on anybody's side. I just care what the map says.

Why don't you walk it with him?

You know, keep an eye on him.

Don't touch my popover.

I'm not! Jeez!

Hey...

Someone's journal.

What are you doing? Don't open it!

I have to, to see whose it is.

Hey, you're reading it!

Listen to this.

"Dead leaves fall up. Rewind.

If I could be a child again,

I'd do it right this time. "

I'm bringing it to the lost and found.

Let's get this party started!

And jab!

Cross! Kick!

Kick! Kick!

And jab! And cross!

And kick!

Are you OK?

And kick back!

Alistair, You're late!

Sorry, I had to... Um...

Get that popover out of my sight!

Jab! Cross!

Kick! Kick!

Gonna see me again

Is this what most people do?

- No... - Walk the property with you?

Most people just trust me.

Can we just, uh...

Can we... hold on a minute, Dot?

Don't call me Dot.

Oh. I thought I heard your chef call you that.

He doesn't realize that people don't call me that anymore.

He's also my father.

Yeah, I figured.

How?

I don't know. At one point you both

had your hand over your mouth like this.

OK. OK.

All right.

You lost your journal?

I looked everywhere. It's gone.

I can take the most horrifying situation and make it worse.

It's like this...

...twisted gift.

That's why nothing good can happen to me.

Ever.

Have you checked the lost and found?

Hey, guys, guess what...?

This is a private conversation!

What if someone's reading it right now?

So, uh, we're doing this dance?

For Talent Night? To Baby Got Back?

And we were gonna sing it ourselves, but...

OK. I mean...

- Sure, I'll do it. - No!

No, Trent should. Right?

- Yeah. - Yeah, OK.

- Oh, thanks! - Good.

- Cool. - Uh, if you need anyone else...

- Let me know. - Well...

We need someone to take pictures.

- Oh, right... - Amber. Come at me!

Come on.

Is that all you got?

Come on.

Come on, kick.

Oh, my...!

- Oops. - Oh, no!

- Sorry. - Whatever...

Now I can ask my parents for a new one.

- We'll just use your camera. - I... I lost mine.

Oh no! No worries, we'll find it.

- Bye! - See you.

See, in 1615, the Dutch mathematician Willebrord Snell

discovered that a point could be located

by subtracting the angles from three known points.

Then he surveyed the distance from Alkmaar to Bergen Zoom

just using a chain of quadrangles.

Don't get me started on Willebrord Snell.

I won't.

We don't allow the kids down here anymore. But it is ours, right?

- No signs. - What?

No signs. No fence.

Once you allow unrestricted use of the land, it becomes...

- I haven't! What do you mean...? - Maybe not on purpose.

But you are correct. This is your property line down here.

You just haven't made it very clear, so it becomes an unspoken invitation...

- Are you saying it's my fault? - No...

- It sounds like you're blaming me... - No, no, no, I'm not...

I'm not saying that at all. It's called "common usage".

It happens all the time.

There's no sign that says, "This is ours, keep out. "

It's really not a question of blame.

But the ball's in your court.

Hey, at least your name's not on it!

So, even if someone does read it...

OK, no one's going to.

But if they did, they won't know it's you.

What if they can figure it out?

How?

By things.

By certain things I've written.

What do you mean? Do you, like, mention certain people?

- Or specific...? - Stop asking me what's in it!

- OK. Sorry. - Just stop.

I'm sorry. I just...

Stuff... Private stuff that...

...if anyone reads, I die.

Hey... Hey. We'll find it.

We'll find it, OK?

We'll find it.

Will...?

You looking for something?

So I hear you do an imitation of me.

Oh. Yeah.

I guess I'll hear for myself, tomorrow night. Right?

Remember, I'll be watching!

I... I gotta go.

What's tomorrow night?

Talent night.

Did that sound like...

...like I didn't want her to do it?

No, it sounded...

Maybe a little.

Oh, dear.

Did you know that "talent" used to refer to weight?

In ancient Babylonia.

Not that I was there, but, uh...

A silver talent equaled 3,000 shekels.

And what's that Dryden quote...

"With two great talents of the finest gold. "

Thanks.

For walking it with me.

It's so different, walking around in bathing suits here.

- It's like no big thing. - I know.

It's funny how Trent broke your camera.

I just mean, the way he gets nervous around you.

Cause of how much he likes you.

He didn't even offer to replace it.

You're so obviously the one he likes.

It's fine, I'm over it.

Let's find your camera, OK?

Stop right there!

Why aren't you at swim, uh...?

Becca.

Why aren't you at swim, Becca?

Rehearsal. For Talent Night.

Really?

So, uh, what are you rehearsing?

Baby Got Back.

Then get to your rehearsal.

Come on.

- It's not gonna be in here. - Just...

Here... You look through this pile.

It's probably not even here.

Hey... Someone's journal.

Anyone interesting?

I don't see a name.

The writing looks like a guy's.

You can barely read it.

- Sorry. Is it yours? - It's not yours!

How could you read someone else's journal?!

How would you like it if someone did that to you?!

We were just looking to see whose it...

Oh, my God!

I know, that was horrible.

No... What did I tell you?

This is it, right?

- Right? - Yeah.

kids chattering

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

- Thank you thank you thank you! - No problem.

It was just there? In the lost and found?

- Yeah. - I can never thank you enough.

Seriously dude, you're the best.

Now I just have to pray no one read it.

So Rand knows I do an imitation of her.

- Seriously? - Yeah, she got all omniscient,

- like, "I'll be watching, Willamina!" - You still have to do it.

Becca and I have a theory you're gonna chicken out at the last second.

I'm totally gonna do it!

The net wasn't straight.

- It totally was. - No, it wasn't!

Becca, she's saying that the net wasn't straight again!

So you're gonna sing that song you've been working on?

- I don't know. - What? You have to!

- Goodnight. - Are you OK?

Yeah. I just need to go rinse out my bathing suit.

Because, you know... Swimmer's itch.

That's gross.

I've got magic to do.

No, but I can actually totally relate to that song,

because it's, like, "I can't lie. "

- Seriously, I mean... - Wait... Shut up, it's starting!

One hefty hunk!

Fifteen large and luscious ladies!

All stuffed into one super-sized villa!

Who will find the love of their dreams,

and who will be sent packing?

It all... Happens...

Now...

Will you accept this ring?

...on Love Handles.

Oh, my God, I will die if Shoshanna gets eliminated.

I hold in my hand an ordinary newspaper.

I shall now pour this ordinary pitcher of milk

into the newspaper.

Where do you get the milk?

And... abracadabra...

Got milk?

Lame.

Ian!

Why can't I write something good?

Like that thing in that person's journal.

They've got flowers in here! And instructions.

OK! Here's what we're doing for talent night!

I'm the bachelor on Love Handles.

You and Trent are the final two girls!

And you'll be, like crying, and pulling each others' hair.

And I'll be like... "Who will I choose?"

Hey...

Ian.

We're doing something. For Talent Night.

So if you want to be in it...

He's performing an original song that he wrote.

You are?

Maybe.

Let's hear it.

I haven't written it yet.

Doing a skit sounds fun.

I'm doing magic but I could also do something...

Dude, the show's tomorrow night.

Look, we, like, know what we're doing,

and it's gonna be really great.

So... if you change your mind...

Sure.

So a few days ago, I had an unplanned snack.

It was a muffin. Of course.

And I'm having a hard time letting it go.

See, they sent this guy over to walk the property line...

You know the type of person who thinks they know everything?

He's saying to me that it's my fault,

because I didn't make it clear where the line was!

I mean, I haven't spent time with my father

since I was 11 years old.

And now, he's everywhere.

He's part of my work. He's... He's giving me muffins.

I...

So I talk to my sponsor about that guy yesterday,

and she, of course, says, do I owe an amends?

And I don't.

I don't! Anyway...

Thank you for letting me share.

Thank you. Who's next?

Hi, I'm Susan...

The thing about Chloe is, she's, like... available.

Oh, come on, Amber... I mean, it's just... It seems like...

Wait, wait, so, G...! Just hypothetically...

There are two girls, right?

Both hot. But one of them definitely likes you.

- Shut up! - Or there's this other girl

that you kinda like more,

but you're not sure if she likes you.

I'd have to say the first girl.

Because you already know she likes you,

So it's a sure thing.

That's such good advice. Will you be my dad?

No.

I'm serious. My dad left when I was 13...

Sometimes I can't even comprehend this is what I really look like.

Yeah.

There she is. Where you been?

Out. With some friends.

Just something I had laying around.

As far as I'm concerned, they were already there. OK?

Oh, they've always been there. Right, Dot?

Guess I'll get these in the ground.

I'll give you a hand.

There's a talent show tonight.

Maybe you'll stick around.

Maybe. Long as I'm not trespassing.

"Look at you. You look dead.

Put on some lipstick. " I'm like, "Mom. I'm ten. I don't own a lipstick. "

So she bought me one. And ever since then...

Sierra, take our picture!

Where's your camera?

Come here!

Where'd you get that?

That's mine, I've been looking for it everywhere!

What? No. It's hers. Maybe it just looks like yours.

- No, it's mine. - No, it's...

- It's mine. - Well, Amber says it's hers!

I've been missing that since the first week of camp.

You think she'd take your camera?!

- Why would she do that? - Look at the bottom!

There is a stupid unicorn thing on the bottom

that my little sister stuck there!

Sorry. It looked like mine. Sorry!

- I'm sorry. - She's the one that took the camera.

I'm sure it was a mistake.

Mistake? She took my camera.

How do you mistakenly take someone's camera?

It has a unicorn on it.

Your eyeliner's smudged.

- I'm sure she didn't meant to.

Hey, Ian!

Where are you going?

I'm just... not in the mood.

To do this.

What about your song?

You didn't finish it?

No, I did. Sort of.

I just, I don't know.

Why put so much pressure on myself, you know?

I don't really know any of these people.

Well, you know me.

Just play it for me.

"Talent. " I decided to look the word up.

Not for any particular reason.

Did you know that, in ancient Babylonia,

"talent" meant "weight?"

And here's the modern day definition of talent:

"A power or ability of mind or body

viewed as something divinely entrusted to a person

for use and empowerment. "

Welcome to Talent Night.

All right, Dr. Rand!

All right, first on deck, we've got Poppy and Sierra!

Believe me if all those endearing young charms

Which I gaze on so fondly today

Were to change by tomorrow and fleet in my arms...

Wouldn't you notice that sticker on it?

I mean, when you looked at it...

- What do you want me to say? - Just admit it wasn't yours!

Fine! I lied. Are you happy?

Look, forget it.

Let's just do this, OK?

I can't!

All right, up next, we have Baby Got Back,

by The Divas of Cabin A.

Becca. This is your number.

What are you doing? Get up there.

Yeah, girl!

I like big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can't deny

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a round thing in your face

You get sprung Wanna pull out your tough

'Cause you know that butt is stuffed

Deep in the jeans she's wearing

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh baby, I wanna get with you

And take your picture

My homeboys tried to warn me

But that butt you got make me so horny

Word.

Word.

Word.

Yeah! What? What?

Yeah!

We'll get over this We'll begin to mend

When we're out of time We'll be back again

You can let me down Give me the runaround

As long as we don't run this ship aground

When we're falling off We're nowhere near a wall

I hold in my hand an ordinary newspaper.

I will now pour this ordinary milk into it.

I won't let you go

Know you know ts hope

Means too much...

Oh...

Boo!

Boo!

Ta-da!

You suck!

I shouldn't have used non-fat milk.

There was actually a dove that came with this kit...

...but I ate it.

I was hungry!

I didn't know fat camp would be so hard.

I finally understand what the Donner Party felt like.

Let's hear it for "Magic-Alistair!"

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make...

I choose...

...celibacy.

No!

Forgive me, North Dakota.

Forgive me.

All right, up next, we have an original song, by Ian.

So, um...

This song was inspired by a poem I found.

I don't know whowrote i.

...you are out there, somewhere...

...and you're awesome.

Why does the time move forward and never end?

Why can't I somehow become a child again?

I'd do it right this time

I'd do it right this time

I'd do it right this time

Ooh

Ooh

Snow would fall upwards

Dead leaves would turn green

I'd be a version of myself I've never seen

I'd do it right this time

I'd do it right this time

I'd do it right this time

Ooh

Ooh

But snow falls down

And dead leaves break apart

Yeah, things fall down

And people break your heart

And people break your heart

And time moves forward

So does this song

Which I can barely write

So I'll write it wrong

I'll write it wrong this time

Cause wrong is right this time

Let's do it right this time

All right. Whoa.

Well, we have someone crazy enough to want to follow that...

Please welcome Will, with an imitation of "someone we know. "

Will...?

I was so bad...

- You were so amazing! - You were!

Ian... that was so beautiful.

- Wasn't that beautiful? - What happened to Will?

How should I know?

I'm really sorry, I screwed up...

Don't even worry about it.

It's just... I've just never had...

...the kind of stuff that you have...

It's so over. Let's never fight again.

I made out with Trent.

Oh, my God!

Oh, yay!

I really enjoyed that.

You know, in terms of this ownership situation...

You might want to consider some sort of enclosure.

I could help you with that.

If you'd like.

Do I seem like the kind of person

who can't laugh at themselves?

I think that's how people see me.

I... Also...

I owe you an apology.

When I insisted on walking the property with you...

It was implying I didn't trust you.

It wasn't implying anything. It was making it clear.

What sort of enclosure?

We'll talk.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Will!

What the hell? You missed it!

How much did you read?

- What? - Just tell me.

That was yours?

One page! Barely a page...

You really expect me to believe that?

I opened it to see whose it was, and there was that poem.

Do you even care? That I loved it?

I can't believe you would do that.

I can't believe you don't believe me.

- I'm your friend. - So I thought.

I was. I would have been.

Do you even know what that means?

We're not friends. You killed it.

No. You did.

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