Original subtitles

All right?

Oh, God, hello.

Big night, was it?

Oh - yeah. Yeah.

Parents well?

Yeah, they're all right.

All right. Good.

Good.

Have you got the keys? I'm parched.

Have a wonderful weekend!

- Where's Petra? - Oh, she stayed at home this weekend.

Why? Why?

We were just about to leave when Sebastian rolled up on his brand-new Vespa.

It reminded me of a school trip to Rome when I was in the sixth form.

I may not have seen the Colosseum, the Pantheon or the Spanish Steps,

- but I learned more in those few days... - Yeah, well...

that's wonderful, darling.

Anyway, look, suffice it to say we left them alone, making up on the sofa.

They...

- They're back together? - Oh, yes.

Very much so.

Oof!

That's got to hurt.

(CUTLERY CLINKS)

What's a Vespa?

A Vespa? It's a moped.

Like the ones the lads at Penkhull Pizza use.

Sebastian's got one. Petra's back with him.

Isn't she, Garth?

Ah, well.

Probably for the best.

Robert would have only bored us to death with his speech at the wedding.

We're just mates.

I heard him crying in the bathroom.

- No, I wasn't! - She's not coming up this weekend.

Aww, that's a shame.

Morning.

Just another day.

Happy people pass my way.

Looking in their eyes, I see a memory.

I never realised how happy you made me.

Oh, Mandy.

Barry Manilow?

Mandy Rowlands.

My first crush.

She was the year above me at school.

I used to deliver the papers.

You never mentioned it!

I used to wait for her on the corner and follow her to school.

So you were stalking her?

Stalking is in the eye of the beholder.

If it's Daniel Craig bombarding somebody with flowers,

then it's seen as wooing.

If it's a bloke in a mac, they're calling the police.

What, she rang the police?

No! I wasn't stalking her!

It sounds like you were stalking her.

I was 12.

I was playing the long game.

- Did you win? - Nope.

She left before I had a chance to strike.

Strike?

You were going to kill her?!

No!

But I was ready to make my move.

I still remember it.

Standing on her step with the Sentinel in my hand.

I saw there were no curtains in the windows and no carpets on the floor.

She'd gone.

She was the love of my life.

Was she now?

N-No, I don't mean the love, I mean...

a love.

You said "the".

Yeah, well, I meant "a".

- How many have you had? - None!

Well, one!

- Two. - So, just me and Mandy Rowlands?

No...just you.

What if she were to walk in here right now?

Are you still playing the long game?

Finished with that?

What? No...

See what you've done now?

I only asked what a Vespa was!

- (SOFT PIANO MUSIC) - Wonder what Petra's up to.

She's 16 and she's home alone with her boyfriend.

Mmm.

I just... I could never imagine a time

when she wouldn't want to come away with us.

I could.

My parents used to drag me to Provence every summer.

I'd be tramping the streets of Aix,

the Palais Longchamp

and that god-awful aqueduct.

What, the Pont du Gard?

Oh, darling, it's a World Heritage Site. It's absolutely stunning.

I couldn't wait to be free.

Mmm.

Any news from Sasha?

Not since I got back from Ibiza to the rain capital of England.

It's a shame about their divorce.

I saw it coming a mile off.

Ralph got old before his time.

Maybe Sasha needed to grow up.

She just knew how to enjoy herself.

His idea of a good time

was Surrey versus Hampshire at the Oval.

Well, one of them had to be mature.

Once Francesca went to university, they were doomed.

(LOUD HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS)

Ey-up.

Hello!

Looks like someone got lucky.

It's nice to see you again. Neil!

Something smells good. She cooks as well, eh?

Looks like you've hit the jackpot.

We're just good friends.

Neil!

(WOMAN SINGS)

WOMAN: Come on, kinky, where are ya?

I can explain! Neil!

Neil!

Do you want one egg or two?

I've lost me appetite.

Neil!

Should I go after him?

(DOOR SLAMS)

No. Leave him be.

I said, do you want one egg or two?

How could she?

- How could she? - Her and Mr Fieldhouse

did seem quite close.

Me dad's only been dead 17 years!

I don't blame 'er.

If I was in her shoes, I'd probably do the same.

Mr Fieldhouse? He's old enough to be your father!

I meant, get married again.

You'd shack up with somebody else?

I'd leave a respectable interval.

And just how long is a respectable interval?

It'd all depend on the man.

If it was Daniel Craig, I'd bite his hand off.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

I wouldn't expect you to sit around like Greyfriars Bobby.

Oh! You could look up Mandy Rowlands!

Yeah? Well, good luck getting Little Neil to accept Daniel Craig as his new dad!

Of course other girls keep ringing him.

He's a hottie.

I had the same problem with your father.

We were in Cambodia - before everybody went there...

No, not under Pol Pot, this was the early '90s.

There was a girl in our group, Elspeth.

The scheming little slut made her move in the temple at Angkor Wat.

She had him up against a frieze! He was cornered.

What did I do?

I went into battle.

There was a Hamilton-Smith at Waterloo.

Your father and a couple of passing monks had to drag me off her.

So the next time his phone rings, you answer it yourself

and you tell whoever it is that if she calls Sebastian again,

she'll be eating through a straw.

Waterloo, darling.

Remember Waterloo.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Are you absolutely sure

- that you want to sell up? - Yeah, no, absolutely, yes.

If you could, um, contact the people on your list, that'd be great. Thank you.

Oh...

You all right?

- I'll be fine. - Right.

I saw Grandma playing Frisbee with Mr Fieldhouse.

Seriously? What is the deal there?

They're very good friends.

- (SNORTS) - Right, so she comes up

to see him instead of us?

She's done it before.

What?

I saw her the other week, getting out the boot of his car.

And you didn't say anything?

I didn't think it was important.

So you see your grandmother climbing out of a total stranger's car boot

- and you don't think to mention it? - He's not a total stranger.

Answer the question!

She bought my silence.

With what?

Two Calippos and a packet of Match Attax.

- Two Calippos? - One was for you,

but I thought you'd ask too many questions.

Oh, right, so you owe me a Calippo, then?

Uhh. Enough about the Calippo.

What else did she say?

Just that she really liked Mr Fieldhouse

but you wouldn't understand.

Can't argue with her there.

Are they going to get married?

- Married?! - Why would Mr Fieldhouse

marry your grandmother?

So my mother's not good enough for Mr Fieldhouse?

She's hard work, and you know it.

She's just having a bit of fun.

Someone in this family's got to.

Well, you would say that.

You know what? She probably is going to marry him.

It's the kind of mistake a stupid, selfish old widow would make.

Oh, is that right?

And I bet those who aren't widows yet can't wait.

I'll be sleeping with one eye open from now on.

Maybe you better had.

(VELCRO SCRATCHES)

That noise goes right through me.

(VELCRO SCRATCHES SLOWLY)

And that's even worse.

I don't understand it.

You're a grown man walking around like a toddler.

I don't want to be tying laces at my age.

Or tripping over them!

(DOOR OPENS)

- Neil! - I've come for my mother.

Get your stuff - you're coming and staying with us.

I'm doing no such thing.

Donnie and I are sweethearts.

I'm stopping right where I am.

And what would me dad have to say about that?

He'd be very pleased for me.

He always said that if he went first I should find someone else.

People always say that. They don't actually mean it.

Well, he did.

He was the kindest, most big-hearted fella I've ever known,

and nobody will ever measure up to him.

Not Colin from Legion,

not Paddy from across the hallway

and not Tommy from line dancing!

And certainly not Donnie!

Sorry, no offence, love.

Tommy?

Tommy worked with me dad at Armitage Shanks for 35 years!

38! And what of it?

Life goes on.

- I... - (VELCRO SCRATCHES)

Velcro!

See?

What did I tell you?

(SHE SIGHS)

What's all this, then?

They're selling up.

The Dillons?

I'll never get to shoot the breeze with Robert again.

I'll never get to stare at Penny through me binoculars.

Sitting in her hot tub,

sunlight dancing in her hair,

droplets of water sliding off her honey-coloured skin.

They were just the kind of people I wanted on Lake View.

- Leaving? - Leaving. Shipping out.

On their merry way.

All right, Neil.

Goodbye, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu!

- Neil! - I don't understand.

They're going back to Ibiza where they belong.

- When? - First viewings are tomorrow morning.

Cheers!

Be careful what you wish for.

Hey! Maybe we could help them pack.

Well, thank you very much for coming by. Lovely to meet you both.

Well, cheerio, and...safe trip back.

Gary Junior, will you stop that?

- What do you think of it, Seth? - It's all right.

There's no way we could afford it, mind,

- so... - Of course we could!

Mind you, I prefer the older sort of log-cabin style, like them over there.

- How do? - Hello.

- Neil Hackett. Lodge 13. - Oh.

Gary Plunkett.

Just passing through.

- You come from Derby, then? - Yeah, yeah, this morning.

Picked the wife up from work, and, well, here we are.

We're going to call in at that pencil museum on way back.

So are you thinking about putting an offer in?

Er...

Well, we're considering it.

Really? What is it you do?

I manage a petrol station on the A6, yeah.

We've got a mini-mart, a coffee machine, hot snacks -

you name it. We're practically a service station.

Is that so?

He runs some tinpot little garage on an A road

that sells a few sausage rolls - suddenly he's Watford Gap.

It sounds like you might have a lot in common.

We've got nothing in common.

We live opposite an architect.

He can't compete with that.

Do you think Gary from Derbyshire catches his own fish every morning?

Do you think he speaks seven languages?

I bet he's never rowed to the shops in his life.

No. We can't be living opposite a shower like that.

Well, if Robert and Penny want to sell, there's nothing we can do.

We'll see about that.

(HORN BLOWS)

I bet you're going to miss this.

Rowing to your local shop.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really will.

Can't go finishing in Walton-on-Thames.

Well, there is the...

the Thames.

But you know what?

If Petra's grown out of it, then it just leaves the two of us.

Yeah, but there's loads of things that you and Penny can do together.

- Mmm. - Crazy golf!

The Ullswater paddle steamer.

The Beatrix Potter Experience.

And the Pencil Museum!

- The Pencil Museum! - Oh, how was that?

- We've not quite got round to it yet. - Ah.

Maybe we can go together.

Oh, well, that's incredibly kind of you.

I'd like nothing more.

But I just don't think it's Penny's kind of thing.

It's just...our interests don't seem to coincide any more.

Well, not in the way they once used to.

So...

- I could speak to Penny. - (ROBERT CHOKES)

Again, that's...jolly thoughtful of you...

It's no bother! I've done it before.

- Oh! - Our friends, Alan and Janet.

They were on the brink.

The decree nisi was in the post, but then I spoke to them.

- Right. - I said, "Janet...

"Yes, you could throw away 20 years of marriage."

- Mmm. - "Yes, you might get lucky.

"You might spend another 20 years with someone exactly like me."

And a week later, they were renewing their vows.

Well, all the same, Neil, I think I should probably...

- find my own way through this. - I know what you should do.

Surprise her.

- Oh! - Do something spectacular.

Do something together that you've never done before.

Perhaps. Well, look, I'll give it some thought.

Ba-ba-ba, ssh!

- Ooh. - Shush.

No, you won't. I'll think of something.

In the meantime, don't take any offers on the lodge.

- Right. - Now, come on. Let's get going.

Oh, right! Yes.

- Home, James. - OK.

Look...

if this is still about Mandy Rowlands, then I'm sorry.

We were just two 13-year-old kids.

Never going to see each other again.

Whereas your next husband is still out there somewhere.

Circling.

Waiting for his slot on the runway.

You think I'd put myself through this again?

- He'll have to land somewhere else. - Yeah, well.

It's when you stop doing things together, that's when the trouble starts.

I'm not getting a season ticket at Stoke City.

Oh, don't worry.

Gave up on that one a long time ago.

No, it's just...important to have things in common, innit?

You know, try new experiences.

As a couple.

Where's this going?

Mm...

Is there anything you've never done before?

Something you'd like to have a go at?

There is one thing.

- Go on. - But it'll never happen.

Not with your fear of heights.

- Try me. - (GLASS CLINKS)

A hot-air balloon?

I was racking me brain all day

and then I seen this little girl in the village with a balloon on a string.

She must have let go of it accidentally. Bawling her eyes out, she was.

And I thought, "Fantastic!"

Was she all right?

I watched it drift up, up and away over the mountains.

- Mm. - No doubt enjoying unforgettable vistas

of Ullswater, Bassenthwaite,

Windermere, Scafell Pike,

Blencathra, and the Old Man of Coniston. All views

strictly depending on prevailing wind direction and atmospheric conditions.

It's certainly an interesting idea.

You'd never catch me up there, with my fear of heights.

That wouldn't be a problem for you, would it? Or Penny?

- Well, no, no, not really. - And there's champagne.

Ah. Excellent. Excellent.

Well, um, mm.

I tell you what, let me run it by Penny.

No...

The whole point of it is it's meant to be a surprise!

It's just...

It's not really our sort of thing.

It's the perfect romantic gesture.

Look, all you have to do is be at the launch site

tomorrow morning at 11 clock.

- All the details are on there. - You've already booked it?!

Best £275 you'll ever spend, mate.

And don't worry. I'm not taking any commission for my time or trouble.

Oh, right.

Oh!

Ah, er...I don't have any money on me right now.

Give it me on the day.

Thank you, Neil. That's, er...

That's extremely thoughtful of you.

Don't thank me.

Thank that tear-stained, clumsy little girl in the village, yeah?

"Me balloon!"

(PHONE RINGTONE: Delilah)

Hello, Neil's phone.

No, he's still in bed, I'm afraid. This is his wife, Fiona. Can I help?

Confirming what?

The balloon launch?

11 o'clock?

Oh, yes. Yes, that's fantastic.

OK! Thank you!

Bye-bye, bye.

(SHE SQUEALS)

(SHE SQUEALS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Morning!

Oh, I've just made some fresh coffee.

- Oh. I'll take it to go. - Oh.

Maurizio's got a cancellation.

- He's waxing my eyebrows. - He can't!

Why not?

Er...because...

I've prepared some breakfast.

Well, that's very touching,

but if it's a choice between a bowl of muesli and looking like Groucho Marx...

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I...

I've organised a surprise for us both.

What kind of surprise?

Oh, well, you will have to wait and see.

I'm not standing Maurizio up on the strength of that.

All right.

I'm taking you up in a hot-air balloon.

A hot-air balloon?

Yes, it's ludicrous, I know.

I think that's the most wonderful idea!

- Oh! - How on earth did you come up with it?

Well...

Yesterday, I saw a little girl in the village

and she was holding a balloon, so I thought...

Darling!

Mmm!

Yeah.

Dad in a balloon?

With his fear of heights?

I was stunned!

They're going to hear his screams back in Stoke.

(YAWNS) Stick the kettle on, will ya?

Oh, your father's doing an amazing thing for me.

Facing his greatest fear just to make me happy.

- What? - You don't have to pretend any more.

The balloon people phoned to confirm.

It's a clear day, the wind's favourable - we are all set!

They reckon we could get up to over 5,000 feet!

Don't get too excited, love.

- It's not...exactly what you think. - I'm not expecting

a picnic and champagne.

I don't care if it's cheap and cheerful.

It's the kindest, most romantic gesture you've ever made.

In your face, Mandy Rowlands!

Look, love, you're absolutely sure you're not pregnant?

I mean, they were really firm on the point. You can't go up in it...

I'm not pregnant!

You know...we made a wrong turn

- back there. - Stop!

- What? - Look, it's over there!

Quick, turn right, turn right!

- Well spotted. - Oh, look at that!

Oh, it's massive!

Oh, love, thank you.

Hey, hang on...!

Fiona!

Wait, love!

(SHE SQUEALS)

Look at that!

- Fiona? - Robert?

- Hello! - Hi!

- Amazing, right? - Er, yeah.

What are you doing here?

Going up in the balloon.

- What are you doing here? - We're going up as well!

No, no. It's an exclusive booking. It says so in the paperwork.

But they phoned this morning to confirm.

I spoke to 'em myself.

You definitely made the booking for 11, didn't you?

Y... Yeah.

And you've got our tickets?

Yes.

- I'll speak to the pilot. - There's obviously been a mix-up.

Look...no, wait.

Look...

...I can explain.

Oh...

- Have you seen my pumps anywhere? - Yeah.

They're in the front window of Age Concern.

- Age Concern?! - I'm sure there's an eight-year-old

who can make good use of 'em.

You gave my favourite shoes to charity?

Don't worry!

I bought you these.

Laces!

Lovely, aren't they?

So it was his idea?

You told me you saw a little girl

- in the village. - Er...

I might have known.

There's no way you were ever getting in that basket.

- Not with your fear of heights. - Hey!

There's nothing more I would love than to go up in that...

thing, but it's not our booking.

You took my dream and you gave it to them!

I was trying to help!

He was desperate!

His marriage was hanging by a thread.

He said they didn't have anything in common any more.

- You said what?! - Well, I...

I didn't quite put it so bluntly. I...

I just thought I didn't make you happy any more.

Of course you make me happy!

Or you did,

until you started discussing our marriage with him.

Hey!

Our friends Alan and Janet, they were on the brink.

They're not the only ones.

Their decree nisi was in the post.

And half an hour with me, she saw him in a totally different light.

Right. Who's coming aboard?

I can't.

I haven't got £275!

Actually, Neil...

...you do.

Come on, then! Hop aboard!

Up we go!

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Come on, darling, this is going to be cool.

Look, I think everybody meant well.

And, look, now we're up here, we might as well enjoy ourselves.

I'm 300 quid down and 500 feet up in the air.

- How am I supposed to enjoy meself? - We'll be going

- ten times higher than this. - (ROBERT CHUCKLES)

She's actually right.

Ooh, look! There's Blencathra.

Why don't you take a closer look?

Darling...

Haven't I been punished enough?

Ladies, the champagne is getting dangerously close to room temperature.

Come on, Pen-Pen.

Popo?

Come on, Popo!

What do you think?

- Give it here. - Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

Not a bad view from the doghouse, eh?

Oh! Have a look, Neil, face your fears.

- Ready? - (CORK POPS)

(THEY CHEER)

- Up she goes! - Oh, good God.

I wish I'd booked crazy golf.

(ROBERT LAUGHS)

ROBERT: Oh, this is terrific!

Hey.

(SHE LAUGHS)

I thought you was... I thought you were with Sebastian.

He wasn't worth fighting for.

Besides, I missed it here.

I thought I'd never see you again.

We're not going anywhere.

Do you want to come help me take the signs down?

Come on! I'm going to get the big one.

No, I'm going to get it!

No! There's no way you're getting the big one!

ROBERT: Come on, then, let's make a toast. Here we go. Take that.

- There you go. - There we go.

Right - a toast.

To the loves of our lives.

Wherever she is.

Cheers! Wa-hey!

Darling.

Bottoms up.

To landing!

- Ha-ha, to landing! - Soon!

To landing!

I can't believe you gave it away.

That Toby jug was part of a set.

I was never that keen on Ringo.

You can't be giving me stuff away!

Ugh. What did I tell you?

Laces undone, again.

I did suggest slip-ons.

If you're going to be sick, can I have your champers?

I'm not going to chunder if I just stay where I am.

- Come on. - Come on, tiger.

- It'll be bad for ballast! - Come on.

The ballast is perfect. In fact,

- we need a bit more ballast this way. - No, we don't.

- Come on, have a look. - PENNY: Do hurry up, Neil.

Look at that! Laces!

No good to man nor beast.

There you go. Baby steps.

- FIONA: Oh, there's your mother. - ROBERT: And Mr Fieldhouse.

Oh! He's down on one knee.

Oh...

Hiya!

No-o-o-o!