Original subtitles

Right.

Pencil Museum, here we come.

You know, it's home to the world's largest...

...colouring pencil, yeah.

- Yeah, which is over... - ...30 foot long.

(ARGUING)

FIONA: Oh, Steph and Bill from number eight are at it again.

Well, come on. It's nearly twice the height of a giraffe.

Doesn't that depend on the giraffe?

And what use is it to anyone anyway?

I mean, you'd need the world's biggest sharpener before you get started.

You don't actually use it, you just admire it.

It's the biggest of its kind. That's the point.

I don't care how big it is, Little Neil's got to do his homework

before anyone's going anywhere.

What homework?

DT. It's for Mr Appleton.

How long's that going to take?

I've got to pick a building of world significance and then research it.

Half an hour. Pencil Museum, here we come.

And then I've got to build a scale model.

- What?! - (SIGHS)

They're all going up in the school foyer.

Oh, well, let's just make the real thing and have done with it, eh?

I'm sure we could knock up the Sydney Opera House before lunchtime.

These teachers don't care whose weekends they ruin, do they?

Well, this one's nearly done with.

Sure Mr Appleton's not knocking up a Taj Mahal from empty Mateys boxes.

Come Monday, I'm calling school.

They can't set this kind of homework on a Friday

and expect it'll be done in two days flat.

Hold on a minute.

When was it set?

- Four weeks ago. - (GARTH LAUGHS)

Oh, you've got...

Four weeks?!

I forgot.

Oh, yeah.

You forgot?

What if I forgot to replenish the pick and mix, eh?

Or put out the camping chair promotion? But I didn't, did I?

No, I did everything I was supposed to so we could all come here and relax,

enjoy the sun, the water, the clear mountain air.

And to see the biggest pencil in the world.

Colouring pencil!

If you don't mind, it's a colouring pencil.

Nobody loves that place more than I do.

I want my ashes blowing round it one day.

But it's not a building of world significance.

Well, it is to me.

Well, think of all the disaster movies.

It's the Golden Gate Bridge that always gets destroyed by a tidal wave.

It's Big Ben that gets blown up by the aliens.

Not Stoke City Football Ground. Thank God.

Right, well, what about the Taj Mahal, or the Sydney Opera House?

Have you seen the Sydney Opera House?

These are scissors, not a wand.

Yeah, it might be a bit ambitious, Little Neil.

I've got it.

Oh...I am good.

Stonehenge!

Come on, three more of them and we're done.

Get your coats on, we're going Pencil Museum.

Stonehenge isn't going to cut it for Mr Appleton.

He'll want something bigger and better.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)

The Empire State Building.

Come on, what's bigger and better than that?

The Burj Khalifa, the Shanghai Tower, Abraj Al-Bait clock tower,

the Ping An Finance Centre.

Well, where did all these pop up from? Nobody told me.

Ping An Finance Centre did call, but you were out.

Everybody knows the Empire State Building was the biggest and best

- for donkey's years. - Mm.

All we have to do is stick a few boxes on top of each other,

put a dart through the top, sorted.

They'll be queueing up in that school foyer.

But without those revision notes, I'm going to fail the test.

Well, Dolores gave them to the courier last night.

Dolores doesn't speak English!

Darling, they will be here, all right?

- (KNOCKING) - Finally!

Hmm. They'll be here.

- Hello. - Saw your car.

- Ah. - Just thought I'd pop in to say hello.

- Right. - Good journey?

Yes, excellent. Thank you very much.

- Is that the shower I can hear? - No.

- Oh. - Has a courier left anything with you?

There was a parcel for Mr Fieldhouse on Wednesday -

a pair of maroon women's slippers?

- You opened it? - (SCOFFS) No.

I just guessed by judging the shape and size of the parcel.

Then how did you know they were maroon?

Where's Mrs Dillon?

She's in Ibiza with her friends.

Why?

She's got friends here.

Yes, I know she does. I'll tell her you said hello.

She's definitely not coming?

She's definitely not coming.

I'm so sorry.

(KICKS DOORFRAME)

Is there anything else?

- No. - OK.

Oh! Dolores!

Oh, boy.

Where should we start?

The top?

I doubt they did that in real life.

- They had more than two days to build it. - It took them

one year and 45 days,

or seven million man hours.

Shall we have a cup of tea?

You've not even broken ground!

Yeah, but you can't dive headlong into these things.

Need a lot of consideration.

103 storeys, 73 lifts and 6,514 windows.

You'd need a hell of a bucket.

We're out of teabags.

Be back as soon as I can.

Neil! No! Neil!

(DOOR CLOSES)

Get back in here!

NEIL: Ten minutes, max.

Oh, you've got to be...

- Neil... - (MUFFLED) Oh, no.

I thought I saw you from across the road.

- Yeah, I can't stop. - No, no...

You will not believe what I found out last night.

Did you know that the United States' Sixth Fleet

was protected by a team of crack...military...

...dolphins?

What, a Special Forces unit, like the Navy Seals?

No!

Bottlenose dolphins.

They're trained at a secret base in the Florida Keys.

The Russians are at it too.

They've got a compound at the Black Sea, near Odessa.

I mean, we had a unit at Weston-super-Mare,

but due to defence cuts... Oh, another cream tea over here, please.

That would be really lovely, thanks very much indeed.

No, she's not staying.

We train them from birth, Neil. From birth.

They're killers!

(SIGHS) So is the entrance on 33rd or 34th Street?

Both.

The main entrance is on Fifth Avenue, but there's five altogether.

(KNOCKING)

No, you stay where you are. I'll get it.

Get what?

Oi, that is the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

ROBERT: Oh, thank you very much. I'm so sorry to disturb you.

I was wondering, do you have an iPhone charger I could borrow?

It's the 21st-century cup of sugar.

Think there might be one in the kitchen drawer.

Great, splendid.

Sorry, I normally rely on Penny for this sort of thing,

but she's away in Ibiza at the moment.

Yes, her best friend's just got divorced.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, well, Sasha doesn't seem to think so.

She's hired Whigfield for her beach party.

You know this is the fourth divorce bash Penny's been to this year?

When my sister got divorced, we went to the Weathervane.

She spent the whole evening crying into her snakebite.

Right.

Ah! One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Now that is an excellent book.

Ha! We used to call our school matron Nurse Ratched.

God, she had cold hands.

When I'm on duty, I warm mine on the radiator.

- Oh, that's nice. - Not that I'm going to ask you to cough.

(LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY)

(COUGHS)

Oh, yes, brilliant. Thank you so much. Yes.

It was my own silly fault.

I should have asked Dolores to give one to the courier,

along with Petra's revision notes.

- Oh, Dolores? - Yes, our cleaner.

Petra's got a biology test - she left her notes behind.

So we've had them sent up.

But there doesn't seem to be any sign of the courier, which is odd.

Oh! Well, what have we here?

Er...the Empire State.

Ah-ha-ha! Splendid!

God, you can almost smell the hot dogs.

- (SCOFFS) - Hey!

- (DANCE MUSIC) - WOMAN'S VOICE: Two, three, four, dance!

Mr Thistlethwaite!

One, two, three, four, dance!

Mr Thistlethwaite!

I need to get into number eight!

Mr Thistlethwaite!

Stop!

MALE VOICE: Good dance!

(HEAVY THUD)

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

BILL: Noticed you never get these migraines when we're going to the beach.

STEPH: You know high altitudes don't agree with me!

BILL: We were still in the car park!

STEPH: You do this on purpose, don't you?

BILL: Oh, yes, every time.

STEPH: Well, it's thumping now.

I'm going to sleep it off!

Where have you been?!

The shop was shut.

I had to go in the village. There was a terrible traffic jam.

You got most of it round your mouth.

Oh...

Well, I bumped into Lorraine Sykes. Got strong-armed into a cream tea.

Cream tea?! While we've been slaving away on the Chrysler Building?!

Oh, so if I touched that seat, it won't be warm?

Chrysler Building?

ROBERT: And then, that's it. Just like that.

Oh, hello!

Dad, come look at this.

We're making it out of foamcore.

We've got T pieces and a glue gun and a rebate cutter.

Robert's got everything.

Well, model-making's all part of the architect's job,

so I always keep a few pieces in the back of the car.

I-I hope you don't mind me giving him a few pointers.

Thought we were doing Empire State.

I got a new roll of Sellotape and everything.

Sellotape?

Robert says the Chrysler building makes the Empire State looks like a bus shelter.

(LAUGHS) Well, I didn't quite put it quite like that. No.

And when I say bus shelter, I mean there are some very attractive stations.

The, er... The Busbahnhof Poppenbüttel in Hamburg, for instance,

is a wonderful example of, er...

King Kong wasn't hanging off the Chrysler building.

I think we'll do the Empire State.

No, well, the Empire State is impressive. But the Chrysler building...

Well, it's the true masterpiece of the Art Deco age.

With this magnificent shimmering apex, complete with sunburst motif

and those polished eagles soaring high above Manhattan.

Which one's biggest?

Yeah, the Empire State is-is bigger.

Well, I think we'll stick to plan, then.

Why don't you do both?

That will impress Mr Appleton.

Now that's a great idea.

We could create something of a skyline. I've got plenty more foamcore in the car.

Unless, of course, you prefer to use poster board.

Well, cereal boxes have always been good enough for me, thank you.

I will be swatting biplanes by tea-time.

(SNORES GENTLY)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(PHONE BUZZES)

BILL: # Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd

# Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-oo. #

Hello, Petra.

You've got to come quick, there's a bat in our house.

A bat? In the middle of the afternoon?

No, no, it's a cat. It's a cat in our house

and I need you and Steph to come and help me catch it.

Sorry, Steph's not feeling very well. She's got a migraine.

Is your dad not around?

No, she went out this morning.

Please. Please, I need you to come and help me.

I need both of you to come and help me.

What, three of us to catch a cat?

What is it, a Bengal tiger? (LAUGHS)

I tell you what - you leave your front door open,

he'll soon wander out.

But...

- FIONA: Oh, wow. - ROBERT: Brilliant.

- LITTLE NEIL: It's amazing. - ROBERT: Yeah.

So you do this for a job?

Yeah. Well, when designing any building,

you have to make a very detailed architectural model.

This building, of course, was designed by Van Alen.

What, the band?

No, the architect.

William Van Alen.

- (SELLOTAPE RIPS) - Wasn't there before.

So where was it?

Well, I don't know. Hiding.

Maybe it went into the village for a cream tea.

Should be me in the school foyer, not him.

Here.

Where you going now?

To the toilet.

Ugh...

Now...the apex.

ROBERT: So we need this...and this,

and then we'll start cutting those pieces there.

(TINNY MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi, I'm Robert Dillon.

Last time, we looked at how to turn your vision into a drawing.

Today, we're going to take...

(GASPING) Oh, my God!

Today, we're going to take that drawing...

Ah!

(WHISPERING) Thank you!

(QUIETLY) Garth!

BILL: # High on a hill was a lonely goatherd

# Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-lay-ee-hoo... #

(DOOR OPENS)

# Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd

# Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-oo. #

- (DOOR CLOSES) - (WHISPERS) Garth.

Garth!

(SNORES GENTLY)

BILL: # High on a hill was a lonely goatherd... #

(PHONE BUZZES)

# Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd

# Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-oo. #

(PHONE BUZZES)

(STEPH YAWNS)

Oh!

(DOOR OPENS)

(TEARFULLY) Are you feeling any better?

Oh, have you been watching that film again?

That ending always gets me.

Christopher Plummer, crossing into Switzerland.

Little Gretl on his back.

STEPH: Let's go for a walk into the village.

I'll just grab a cardie from the cupboard.

We could pop to the cafe for a cream tea.

Oh, unless Lorraine Sykes is hanging around.

Three times she's caught me in that place.

BILL: Did she tell you about the dolphins?

STEPH: What dolphins?

(DOOR OPENS)

Petra, just...!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(SIGHS)

(SWING MUSIC PLAYS)

ROBERT: So, that's the whole one, like that.

Exactly like that. And then...

Argh!

Hey! Now then.

(PAINT GUN HISSES)

Drum roll please, Fiona.

There you go, son. We did it.

Oh, it's jolly good. It's, er...

Well... It's completely, um...

Oh.

Broken.

Yeah...

You two carry on and I'll get it sorted.

All right, come on then, Little Neil. If you care to do the honours.

(CHUCKLES)

ROBERT: There we go.

FIONA: Oh, that looks amazing! (LAUGHS)

And, in the spirit of Van Alen, I've, er...

I've incorporated one last surprise.

- (SWITCH CLICKS) - (FIONA GASPS)

- ROBERT: Ta-da! - Oh, wow!

ROBERT: Look at that.

FIONA: Look at that! Look at all these little cars.

Yeah, I just thought I'd, er... Yeah, it's, er... It's...

- FIONA: That is unbelievable. - LITTLE NEIL: When did you do this?

Oh, well. I, um... I added that when... when you weren't looking. So, um...

Yes, I thought you might enjoy that.

FIONA: Look at all these little cars and trees outside.

Oh, Robert, it is beautiful.

Here you go.

I let myself get carried away.

Please tell me you didn't light it up from the inside.

- Oh... - Well, I couldn't help myself.

It's cousin Jeremy's birthday party all over again.

That Meccano was just lying there.

You didn't have to build the Hoover Dam!

No-one was watching him blow out his candles.

Even Aunt Izzy was filming you.

Oh, any word from Ibiza?

Yeah, they've been up for 72 hours straight.

- Great. - Sasha has had her stomach pumped twice.

How delightful.

Well...divorce can be a very sobering experience.

Mm!

When did your notes arrive?

Er, this afternoon.

Oh, great! So, crisis averted.

- Good old Dolores. - This had nothing to do with Dolores.

Er, excuse me, she gave them to the courier.

Without those crib sheets, you'd have been completely stuffed.

Maybe.

Er, "maybe" nothing.

She is the hero of the hour, and she went above and beyond.

I think the least you could do is show a little gratitude.

What's he going to say to Mr Appleton?

"I made that, then had 15 pints,

"got kicked in the head by a horse, put on a blindfold

"and then made that?"

Leave him alone.

He did his best.

Oh, yeah, he did his best.

He was at it all afternoon.

He wanted to make sure his was bigger than Robert's.

Yeah, look, his might look good, but mine's built to last.

One puff of wind, that will come down like a pack of cards.

There'd better not be a puff of wind between now and Monday morning.

Do you really think I'd be that petty?

You hid Robert's double-sided sticky tape!

It was under the tea towel.

In the bottom drawer!

You leave the Chrysler building alone.

What's...?

"Neil Hackett, aged 45½"?

Aww...

(MUTTERS)

Argh!

What's the matter?

Biplanes!

(GRUNTS)

(WATER RUNS)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)

(QUIETLY) Oh...

(WHISPERS) Garth. Garth!

- Christopher Plummer! - What?

Dad?

- Look, you've got to help me. - What?

I need your help! Come on.

You didn't.

It was an accident.

A puff of wind? I don't think so.

A typhoon, maybe.

A hurricane, a tornado.

I slipped on the taxi cab.

Is that the best you've got?

You've got to believe me!

It doesn't matter what I believe.

This is nothing compared to what Mum will do to you.

But she's not going to find out, son.

We can fix it together.

"We"?

Well, how hard can it be?

Exhibit A!

Oh...

That still looks better!

There's one person who can get you out of this mess.

Oh, how can I possibly ask him?

You've got no choice.

Sorry, Dad.

I'm going back to bed.

ROBERT: You need to make sure the edges fit snugly.

This can be rather tricky.

Ah, you're telling me.

Rather than use double-sided tape,

I prefer to use pins from the outside wall,

to strengthen the joints.

Yeah. Especially when your tape's in my bottom drawer. Ha!

Like this.

- And now onto the window construction. - Whoa, whoa!

Hang on, Steven Seagal.

I binned it, I binned it!

You woke him up in the middle of the night?

Robert? As if!

Right, so where did the elves go, then?

Elves? I didn't use elves.

I did this.

I mean, it took all night, but, you know,

it's actually quite straightforward once you get the hang of it.

I-I don't get it.

I mean, it's as good as new.

It's better.

Don't like telling tales, but Robert cut a few corners.

So I made a few improvements. You know, get him out of jail.

But you'll never get the credit for it. I mean, no-one will ever know it was you.

I'll know it was me.

Every time I walk into the school foyer and see it standing there, glittering.

Besides, everybody knows how these things work.

The parents always make them, never the kids.

So I will get the credit.

And I'll get an A-star off Mr Appleton.

Do you think you'll choose it as one of your options?

All the other dads are going to be seething.

Walking in with their cornflake Colosseums and their Weetabix White Houses.

What, like that one?

- (GARTH SCOFFS) - All right, I admit it.

I was dreading walking into school and seeing it

and hearing all the other dads sniggering, thinking it was me.

- It was you. - No.

This is me.

Oh, it's still standing then?

I was half-expecting to find it all over the kitchen floor.

It was, but Dad put it back together overnight.

- (LAUGHS) - (KNOCKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

LITTLE NEIL: Garth, Petra's here to see you.

(PETRA LAUGHS)

# Yodelay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-lay-ee-hoo... #

(THEY LAUGH)

Oh, what a nightmare.

Yeah, I know.

Something to tell the grandkids, though.

I-I just wanted to make it up to you.

Well, there is something you can do to make it up to me.

OK, explain how a population of antibiotic-resistant bacteria

might develop from non-resistant bacteria.

OK, so there will be non-resistant bacteria, then there will be anomalies,

and then they will form antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

ROBERT: Sorry I left these behind. I hope they didn't get in your way too much.

No, we're so grateful.

You did a fantastic job.

Oh, no, not at all.

Oh, don't be so humble.

I just tried to make something that would look like a kid would hand it in.

Yeah, no, absolutely. Well, of course. No, well, you, er...

Yeah, you totally replicated the crude naivety one might come to expect...

um...

...from an 11-year-old.

See Petra's wearing a ponytail.

FIONA: What's wrong with that?

Nothing. They look fine on schoolgirls.

It's when men start wearing them that the trouble starts.

I mean, what does Zlatan think he looks like, eh?

Looks all right to me.

Where do you stand on them, Robert?

Well, they-they... have rather...slipped out of fashion.

- Slipped out of fashion? - Yeah.

They never slipped into fashion.

- Well... - I mean, in my opinion,

any bloke who ever wore one of them was, is

and, well, will always be a complete and utter...

Anyway, we should... We should probably get on.

Come on, Petra.

See you.

What was all that about?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing!

I think I'll just take the one model into school.

They'll call me a swot if I go in with two.

It's all right, son. I understand.

Makes complete sense.

I'd do exactly the same thing myself in your shoes.

No, no, I'll take the Empire State.

What?

Why?

Because we did it together.

And King Kong didn't hang off the Chrysler building.

But...

Isn't that lovely?

You're going to be in the school foyer after all.

(WHISPERS) Oh, shut up.