Original subtitles

Right, it's booked.

7.30 tonight.

Even managed to blag the best table in the house.

Get in! Do they do sticky toffee pudding?

You'll never know. You're not coming.

It's our wedding anniversary!

Yeah, not till Thursday.

And you always go to Garden Of India. Ravi'll think you've split up.

God, yeah, you're right.

Which food do you think your mam would prefer?

Ullswater or Poundland?

She's had 17 years of early-bird specials.

17 years of listening to Madonna on sitar.

Your mam deserves this.

Hey! They serve pheasant in there.

Do they ask them for ID?

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

Right, give Mam a ring, ask her to put kettle on.

And not a word about tonight.

I want to see look on her face when I tell her.

(RETCHES)

(VOMITS)

LITTLE NEIL: Why should he get a tenner for looking after me?

All right. What would you do if a homicidal maniac broke in?

I'd fetch Garth some new pants.

What's he going to do?

I'd be protecting him.

No, you wouldn't.

He's older than you.

So what? I should get that tenner.

You're going to bed at eight, you are.

Don't take it out on me cos Petra kissed your mate Tyler.

We're just friends!

Hey! Pack it in.

Morning!

Morning.

Did they see me?

Maybe you should just tell them.

They don't want me up here.

She made that perfectly clear last time.

It won't stop me seeing you, though.

Besides, they'll only drag me round the Pencil Museum.

Now come round here and put that coat over me head.

This is not the Old Bailey, you know.

(DOG YAPS)

Quiet, Fang!

What's Ravi going to say?

We've been going there for 17 years.

And he never sent us a Christmas card.

Is that what this is about?

Love, we've outgrown the Garden Of India. Look around.

Just for once, let's celebrate our anniversary after 6pm.

"Pan-fried dabs with monk's beard"?

It's what we've always dreamed about.

Monk's beard?

I don't even know what it is, and nor do you.

Come on, love. This is our time!

We're free!

We can finally leave the kids at home.

Do you think Garth'll be all right?

- Little Neil'll be here. - Yeah.

Come on! It's the Swan.

Got us the best table in the house. The one you always fancied.

Fine.

We'll go out for monk's beard.

- There's other things on the menu. - (DOOR CLOSES)

Rabbit ballotine.

Torched langoustine.

Pheasant.

(SHE VOMITS)

Darling?

(SOBS)

Oh, darling, come back.

- Sebastian? - Yeah. He's ended it.

- Again. - Maybe I should go after her.

She'll be fine.

Yeah, but she's very upset this time.

Maybe I should have a word with his parents.

I'm sure she'd be thrilled by that suggestion.

Her daddy talking to his daddy?

Well...

Heartbreak's good for you at that age.

Did I ever tell you about when I worked as a chalet girl in Gstaad?

- So many times. - Nick was a ski instructor.

- His eyes were... - Ice-blue?

He didn't speak a word of English

but we understood each other intimately.

Lovely. Darling, I do know all about your misspent youth.

There's nothing misspent about it.

We never wasted a second.

- Privacy was the problem. - Ah!

But that was all part of the challenge.

- Mmm... - The sauna,

the store cupboard at the chalet,

various cable cars.

And then there was that time off piste.

We caused a small avalanche.

- Excellent! - But of course, it had to end.

Did it?

He did it over fondue at Gildo's.

"You, me, kaput."

Three words I will never forget.

Right. Well, we're out of dishwasher tablets

so I thought I might pop down to Morrisons.

(SIGHS)

But I forgave you!

When?

What, when you copped off at prom with Victoria?

And Lucinda?

And Lucinda's sister Jemima?

But I told you it was just a kiss. It meant nothing.

And I fessed up. We always said honesty was more important than anything.

Fine.

I'm better off without you, anyway.

All I wanted was a boyfriend who'd share my interests.

You never came to the theatre with me, even though I asked you a thousand times.

You don't listen to my music.

No, you didn't, Sebastian.

Whenever I put on Laura Marling,

you just pulled that stupid face.

You don't even know what my favourite colour is.

No, no, it's not purple.

It's mauve, Sebastian.

There is a world of difference.

NEIL: Talk about taking the scenic route!

FIONA: It's the Lake District. You have no choice.

- I thought I might have to have jabs. - You should have tipped him.

Hey, we'll save our gratuities for this place.

They'll look after us.

Unlike Ravi, with his paper tablecloths and plastic cups.

So it is about the Christmas card?

No. All I'm saying is, they'll treat us right here.

- Hmm. - Now, madame, if you please.

Oh!

What do you mean, taken?

We can only hold tables for ten minutes.

It's 7.41.

That will be 11 minutes, sir.

- Now... - It don't matter.

- We'll make do with another table. - I'm afraid we're fully booked.

Although I could squeeze you in at 9.30...

...on Tuesday.

Or you could move those other people

and squeeze us onto the table that we booked for tonight.

It's only been two minutes. They'll understand.

I really can't do that, sir.

(POSH VOICE) Oh, well, if you can't, I will!

No, you can't go in there.

No, you can't go in there either, madam. Where are you going?

You can't go in there.

You!

- Too many calories. - Oh, darling, come on.

- It'll be delicious. - The turbot?

Yes.

(NEIL CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Oh!

Ah, what a coincidence! (CHUCKLES)

Of all the gin joints in all the towns...etc.

Well, look, do you know what? We had the most amazing bit of luck.

We just rocked up here on the off chance, and would you believe it?

Best table in the house suddenly became available.

Yep.

It's ours.

- I'm sorry? - The table.

We booked it for half past seven, but the taxi brought us via Penzance.

He's exaggerating.

- It's our anniversary. - Oh! Oh, right.

Oh, no. Well, look, in that case,

- you absolutely must...you must have it. - We've ordered drinks.

Our actual anniversary isn't till Thursday

and, to be honest, I'm not feeling myself today.

I've got a banging headache.

Love, you'll be fine once you've had something to eat.

I've really been looking forward to it.

She had her heart set on a bit of monk's beard.

Oh? Right.

Well, um...

Argh! What a bind! Um...

Well, look, if you, um...

If you didn't object, perhaps we could, um...

Perhaps we could all eat together?

Oh! Well, that'd be lovely.

Yeah! Come on.

It'll be fun. Geoffrey?

Would it be possible to get two more chairs, please? Thank you.

(CHUCKLES) Ah, what a hoot.

Yes. (SIGHS)

ROBERT: Well, I'll put that in that. There we go. Some water, Fiona?

Thank you.

I'll get you some water. Here you go.

And some into there.

Move that glass there, like that.

It's a squeeze, isn't it?

Darling, I'll give you some water here.

Well, I know what I'm having.

Pheasant all the way.

I do like a bit of pheasant.

(CHUCKLES) Excellent choice.

Pheasant here is first class. They hang it themselves.

I thought they shot 'em.

(CHUCKLES) Very good. Very good.

No, they leave them like that for about ten days or so

until they start to decompose, which is what gives it that depth of flavour

and those wonderful aromas. You are in for a treat, Neil.

They used to hang pheasant until maggots dropped from their flesh.

Sounds lovely.

I'm having the langoustine.

Oh, yes, and you're going to have the pan-fried dabs with monk's beard.

- Another excellent choice. - As long as the monk don't mind.

Ha! (CHUCKLES) Very good.

Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm going to let the side down

because I'm having the hamburger.

Mind you, it is an all-steak patty with hickory-smoked bacon,

melted Cumbrian Cheddar in a toasted brioche bun.

Oh, God, it's so good.

Sticking with the pheasant?

Absolutely.

Never let me down before.

Always game for a bit of pheasant.

Neil, you're on fire.

I have me moments.

No, no. Your menu. It's on fire.

- Oh, Neil! - Oh, my...

- Neil, put it out! - Somebody get...

(GASPS)

Right, um...

Right, it's time for you to go to bed.

I said it's bedtime.

All right. See you in the morning. Oh, don't forget to brush your teeth.

- Your bedtime. - I'm not going to bed.

- Yeah, you are. - Give me half the money, then.

- What?! - Give me a fiver and I'll go to bed.

Go to bed now or I'm ringing Mum and Dad.

You're not looking after me.

You're just sitting there, same as I am. Why should you get all that money?

Because I am the responsible one.

- (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) - What was that?

He must have killed the electricity.

Who?

The homicidal maniac.

What? No. No, no, no, no, no. It must be a power cut, or something.

You'd better go out there and sort it.

- Me? Why me? - Because you're the responsible one.

FIONA: This is gorgeous.

How's the pheasant?

It's... It's unbelievable.

Champagne!

ROBERT: Oh, thank you.

What on earth are you doing?!

- Your hand was virtually in me dinner. - No, it wasn't.

You're lucky I didn't take a bite out of it.

Happy anniversary!

- For us? - I thought it wasn't until Thursday.

Well, it's the least we could do since we stole your table.

Thank you.

You shouldn't have.

Hey!

To the Hacketts!

Happy anniversary.

You spoil that dog.

Well, he loves going out for a drink.

And when he can put his hand in his pocket, he can join us.

All I said was, I'd take him a sausage home and a little bit of pudding.

Your table is ready.

Oh, ta very much.

Oh, why don't you take him the rabbit ballotine and have done with it?

He's not keen, is he? "Hand-cut chips"?

Who's the chef, Bruce Lee?

(GASPS) Oh, it's my Neil. Get back, get back!

Let's just come clean.

We're all grown-ups.

My son isn't.

He'd still have me walking round in widow's weeds.

Oh, come on, we'll have to find somewhere else.

Come on.

Come on!

Poor Petra.

She was terribly upset.

We were going to take them skiing next season,

but, well, that looks like that's off the agenda.

This time next week, Sebastian will have his head in our fridge.

It'll be Mrs Dillon this and Mrs Dillon that

while he tries to take a look down my top.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

I've always fancied having a go at skiing.

When I was 17, I was a chalet girl in Gstaad.

- And she had a wonderful time. - His name was Luka.

He didn't speak a word of English. He was...

He was a jolly nice chap is what he was.

So, were you thinking of a-a-a particular resort?

Well, I have had my eye on the SnowDome at Tamworth.

Right!

Yes. Well, that's a great place for finding your feet.

Or breaking your neck.

Yes.

Not in a month of Ski Sundays would you find me on a slope.

- Oh! - Are you all right?

There's a ball bearing in me dinner!

It's shot, you fool.

- What? - It's lead shot from the gun.

- Lead?! - Mmm.

- Are they trying to poison me? - No, no, no.

It's perfectly harmless in small amounts.

There's enough in here to bring down an elephant.

Waiter! Waiter!

Waiter!

(ROBERT CLEARS HIS THROAT)

It's not even dark.

Yeah.

- Well, it will be soon. - You should've brought your night light.

It's not a night light, it's...

It's a reading lamp.

I love the dark. I don't want the lights to come back on.

Got it.

(CLICKING)

- I had the batteries for my drone. - Where is it?

Stoke.

- Brilliant. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Who's that? - It must be the homicidal maniac.

- You get it. - Half the money?

- Maybe they'll just go away. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS) Fine, I'll get it.

- (BANGING ON DOOR) - Go on, then.

Get ready to whack him.

Is your TV not working, either?

(SHOT CLATTERS ON PLATE)

So, what's with watering the flowers with your champagne?

- I was throwing up all morning. - You were fine this afternoon.

It's cost muggins 80 quid a bottle, that.

I just didn't want to risk it.

You can have half a glass of bubbly on your anniversary.

That isn't until Thursday.

- Buy you a lager? - No.

Brandy and Coke?

No, thanks.

- Oh, God, you're... - Don't press the panic button.

I haven't done a test.

- Yeah, but you've had morning sickness. - I was sick in...the morning.

How's that not morning sickness?

Calm down. We're doing a big shop tomorrow.

- I'll pick one up then. - But... Tomorrow?

This is an emergency.

I've had false alarms before. I knew you'd overreact.

- Not overreact... - Right.

Just ordered us another bottle of champagne

- so we'll need to finish this one off. - No, she's fine!

Look, I'll be right back.

- Neil... - Excuse me.

Everything all right?

He really doesn't want to go to the SnowDome.

Two hours?

I need a taxi now. I'm Mr Hackett.

You dropped me and me wife off at the Swan.

Yeah. We were late for our table but that don't matter now.

Tip?!

No, I was going to give you the tip on the way back!

Hello?

Hello?!

(CAR APPROACHES)

I don't believe it.

Mr Fieldhouse!

MERCY: God, it's Neil over there!

Mr Fieldhouse! Stop!

- Put your foot down! - Mercy!

- Faster! Faster! - This is ridiculous!

Mr Fieldhouse!

It's me!

Thank you.

I need a lift into town. It's an emergency.

Aye. Hop in.

OK.

(DOG GROWLS)

You'll have to watch her, but plenty of room in the back.

(SHEEP BLEAT)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE AMY WINEHOUSE: Valerie)

And I look across the water...

Aww!

Hey there, little fella!

He's so cute.

What's his name?

- Er, Banksy. - Like the artist?

No! Like the old Stoke goalie, Gordon Banks.

Oh.

- Bed. Now. - No.

Just be a minute.

Oh, OK.

At least you didn't tell her you were named after Garth Crooks.

Get off. Get off!

Right. There's your money. I don't want to see or hear from you again tonight, OK?

You don't seriously think you've got a chance with her?

- Shut up! - (COUGHS)

- Good luck! - (DOOR CLOSES)

(SNIFFS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE AMY WINEHOUSE: Back To Black)

(SNIFFS)

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

This was our song.

(SHE SOBS)

I'm sorry.

- I'm getting snot all over your jumper. - No, no!

- I don't... I don't mind. - Oh, you've changed.

Yeah, I...got chilly, so...

I like the colour.

Aww, thanks.

It's mauve.

(SHE SOBS)

It's the wrong way round.

Yeah, I know, you should have been

- the one breaking up with him. - No, no, your jumper.

It's back to front.

(SHEEP BLEAT)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Hiya.

Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I really need a pregnancy test.

- I think I need it more. - No...

It's not for me, it's for my wife.

Sorry. We can't help you.

- Look, you don't understand. - Hey! No, I don't understand.

I know how excited you both must be.

16 years ago I was stood right where you are now,

except it was in the Co-op in Ubberley.

Just up the road from the Holly Bush.

Three years later, I'm stood back in the same place.

Two boys.

Garth and Little Neil.

I wouldn't trade 'em for the world.

Pushing them round in their buggies, trying to get them to sleep.

- Our Garth wouldn't stop crying. - I don't blame him.

Do you think I can go through all that again?

The buggies, the nappies, the 4am feeds?

I don't think so!

It was nice talking to you.

A year from now, you'll look like something out of The Walking Dead.

It's your turn now, it's your turn!

You won't be able to stand the sight of each other.

We were supposed to be done with all that!

Tonight was the first night in 15 years we didn't need a baby-sitter!

I should be in the Pheasant now eating swan!

I mean, the Swan, eating pheasant.

But, oh, no, I'm back here in the Ubberley Co-op.

- Or thereabouts. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.

But you'll have to wait until tomorrow.

I can't wait!

I have to know tonight!

I need to know now!

Oi!

(SOBBING)

Please!

I'm begging you.

I won't sleep tonight, I may never sleep again!

Try the Ubberley Co-op.

Come on, love.

Excuse me, love.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE AMY WINEHOUSE: Tears Dry On Their Own)

I should never have told him about your friend.

No! You did the right thing.

Honesty is really important.

That's what I always say.

I mean, with no trust, you've got nothing.

And you're better off without him anyway.

Yeah, I think you're right.

- You won't be on your own for long. - (SHE LAUGHS)

No, maybe not.

Going to the theatre next week.

- The theatre? - Oh, yeah, I love the theatre.

I go all the time.

I saw Coriolanus at the National the other day.

What was the last thing you saw?

The Chuckle Brothers at the Regent.

Our grandma took us. "To me, to you!"

- It was epic. - Go to bed!

He... He's meant to be in bed, so I...

Sure.

- It's your turn. - Huh?

- I've been hogging it all night. - Oh, right.

OK.

( LAURA MARLING: Worship Me)

Laura Marling?

Oh, my God, she's my favourite singer-songwriter.

- I don't believe it. - I mean,

how she didn't win the Mercury Prize in 2008, 2010

and 2013, I'll never know.

Little boy

I know you want something from me...

(DOG YAPPING)

Two hours without electricity!

And the site manager nowhere to be seen.

Well, I told you, he likes to do street dancing on a Saturday.

- (GASPS) - It's them!

Quick, quick!

Oof!

Donald Fieldhouse.

Think he's jealous.

Well, I'm not kissing him. Quiet, Fang!

(FANG GROWLS)

You totally got me.

I don't know. I think I've done your nose a bit small.

Not... Not that it's big, just...

...you've got a nice nose...

I-I-I... I'll get you a drink!

...scream and you'll wait till you're dead

Creatures fade by night

Following things that aren't right

And they're tired and they need to be led...

(CAR APPROACHES)

(THUMP)

Hey, sorry, my mum ran out of red wine, so...

I just got pop.

How could you?

Huh?

I can explain that.

So what happened was...

- I... - You were spying on me.

- No! I wasn't spying on you! - If you haven't got trust,

then you've got nothing.

FIONA: You might well look sheepish.

Don't talk to me about sheep.

Oh, hello, Petra, love.

You? Me?

Kaput.

( LAURA MARLING: Rambling Man)

...by the slightest of breeze

And the weak need to be led

And the tender are carried to their bed...

Doesn't get any easier, you know.

Women are still a mystery to me.

She was just upset about her boyfriend.

Yeah, I know. I was talking about your mother.

I'm in the doghouse.

- Again. - Why? What have you done now?

Nothing I haven't done before in Ubberley.

Still, I've never regretted it.

You've lost me.

I hope not.

Still, it wouldn't be the first time.

Do you remember that maze at Trenton Gardens?

- Vaguely. - You was about five at the time.

Little Neil was still a baby.

I'd only bent down to put his dummy back in, and you'd gone.

Couldn't chase after you because of the pushchair.

So I left him where he was.

I could see his Spongebob balloon over the hedges,

thought it'd be all right.

Next thing you know, I'm running round like a madman looking for you

and I see Spongebob floating off towards Uttoxeter.

I'd lost the pair of you.

Never been so frightened in all me life.

Was just about to ring 999 when I come round the corner and there you were.

Stood next to Little Neil in his buggy like nothing had happened.

That's when I vowed I'd never let you out of my sight again.

And I haven't.

LITTLE NEIL: What about West Midland Safari Park?

It were your mother's fault!

Of course it was.

Congratulations.

We are not having a baby.

Yes!

(THEY CHEER)