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1
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,320
Right, it's booked.
2
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:35,600
7.30 tonight.
3
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,440
Even managed to blag
the best table in the house.
4
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,240
Get in!
Do they do sticky toffee pudding?
5
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,600
You'll never know. You're not coming.
6
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,000
It's our wedding anniversary!
7
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,360
Yeah, not till Thursday.
8
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,920
And you always go to Garden Of India.
Ravi'll think you've split up.
9
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,480
God, yeah, you're right.
10
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,400
Which food do you think
your mam would prefer?
11
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,040
Ullswater or Poundland?
12
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:58,320
She's had 17 years of early-bird specials.
13
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,280
17 years of listening to
Madonna on sitar.
14
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,360
Your mam deserves this.
15
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,600
Hey! They serve pheasant in there.
16
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,800
Do they ask them for ID?
17
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,080
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
18
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,240
Right, give Mam a ring,
ask her to put kettle on.
19
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,720
And not a word about tonight.
20
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,040
I want to see look on her face
when I tell her.
21
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:20,600
(RETCHES)
22
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,000
(VOMITS)
23
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,480
LITTLE NEIL: Why should he get a tenner
for looking after me?
24
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,720
All right. What would you do
if a homicidal maniac broke in?
25
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,560
I'd fetch Garth some new pants.
26
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,120
What's he going to do?
27
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,360
I'd be protecting him.
28
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:34,840
No, you wouldn't.
29
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,080
He's older than you.
30
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,280
So what? I should get that tenner.
31
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,040
You're going to bed at eight, you are.
32
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,920
Don't take it out on me
cos Petra kissed your mate Tyler.
33
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,240
We're just friends!
34
00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,200
Hey! Pack it in.
35
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,040
Morning!
36
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,400
Morning.
37
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,400
Did they see me?
38
00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,080
Maybe you should just tell them.
39
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,440
They don't want me up here.
40
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,920
She made that perfectly clear last time.
41
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,520
It won't stop me seeing you, though.
42
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,440
Besides, they'll only drag me
round the Pencil Museum.
43
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,680
Now come round here
and put that coat over me head.
44
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,160
This is not the Old Bailey, you know.
45
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,920
(DOG YAPS)
46
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,080
Quiet, Fang!
47
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,000
What's Ravi going to say?
48
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,520
We've been going there for 17 years.
49
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,200
And he never sent us a Christmas card.
50
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,600
Is that what this is about?
51
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:34,040
Love, we've outgrown the Garden Of India.
Look around.
52
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:38,080
Just for once,
let's celebrate our anniversary after 6pm.
53
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,360
"Pan-fried dabs with monk's beard"?
54
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:42,760
It's what we've always dreamed about.
55
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,000
Monk's beard?
56
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,040
I don't even know what it is,
and nor do you.
57
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,240
Come on, love. This is our time!
58
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,360
We're free!
59
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,000
We can finally leave the kids at home.
60
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,000
Do you think Garth'll be all right?
61
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,920
- Little Neil'll be here.
- Yeah.
62
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,960
Come on! It's the Swan.
63
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:02,000
Got us the best table in the house.
The one you always fancied.
64
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,600
Fine.
65
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,320
We'll go out for monk's beard.
66
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,280
- There's other things on the menu.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
67
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,360
Rabbit ballotine.
68
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,960
Torched langoustine.
69
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,000
Pheasant.
70
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,520
(SHE VOMITS)
71
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,320
Darling?
72
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,520
(SOBS)
73
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,160
Oh, darling, come back.
74
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,880
- Sebastian?
- Yeah. He's ended it.
75
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,320
- Again.
- Maybe I should go after her.
76
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,880
She'll be fine.
77
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,800
Yeah, but she's very upset this time.
78
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,440
Maybe I should have a word
with his parents.
79
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,080
I'm sure she'd be thrilled
by that suggestion.
80
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,720
Her daddy talking to his daddy?
81
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:41,720
Well...
82
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,800
Heartbreak's good for you at that age.
83
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,000
Did I ever tell you about
when I worked as a chalet girl in Gstaad?
84
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,440
- So many times.
- Nick was a ski instructor.
85
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,200
- His eyes were...
- Ice-blue?
86
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:54,080
He didn't speak a word of English
87
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,880
but we understood each other intimately.
88
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,760
Lovely. Darling, I do know
all about your misspent youth.
89
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,840
There's nothing misspent about it.
90
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:03,560
We never wasted a second.
91
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,600
- Privacy was the problem.
- Ah!
92
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,440
But that was all part of the challenge.
93
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,440
- Mmm...
- The sauna,
94
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,280
the store cupboard at the chalet,
95
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,800
various cable cars.
96
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,880
And then there was that time off piste.
97
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,040
We caused a small avalanche.
98
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,000
- Excellent!
- But of course, it had to end.
99
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,520
Did it?
100
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,880
He did it over fondue at Gildo's.
101
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,760
"You, me, kaput."
102
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,440
Three words I will never forget.
103
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,720
Right.
Well, we're out of dishwasher tablets
104
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,120
so I thought I might pop down
to Morrisons.
105
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:37,960
(SIGHS)
106
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,040
But I forgave you!
107
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,800
When?
108
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,520
What, when you copped off at prom
with Victoria?
109
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:58,920
And Lucinda?
110
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,520
And Lucinda's sister Jemima?
111
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,960
But I told you it was just a kiss.
It meant nothing.
112
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:09,160
And I fessed up. We always said honesty
was more important than anything.
113
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,280
Fine.
114
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,200
I'm better off without you, anyway.
115
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,520
All I wanted was a boyfriend
who'd share my interests.
116
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,640
You never came to the theatre with me,
even though I asked you a thousand times.
117
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,800
You don't listen to my music.
118
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,240
No, you didn't, Sebastian.
119
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:25,680
Whenever I put on Laura Marling,
120
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,480
you just pulled that stupid face.
121
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,480
You don't even know
what my favourite colour is.
122
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,440
No, no, it's not purple.
123
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,720
It's mauve, Sebastian.
124
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,160
There is a world of difference.
125
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,360
NEIL: Talk about taking the scenic route!
126
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,200
FIONA: It's the Lake District.
You have no choice.
127
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,960
- I thought I might have to have jabs.
- You should have tipped him.
128
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,080
Hey, we'll save our gratuities
for this place.
129
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:03,600
They'll look after us.
130
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,240
Unlike Ravi, with his paper tablecloths
and plastic cups.
131
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,040
So it is about the Christmas card?
132
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,240
No. All I'm saying is,
they'll treat us right here.
133
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,520
- Hmm.
- Now, madame, if you please.
134
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,000
Oh!
135
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,760
What do you mean, taken?
136
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,680
We can only hold tables for ten minutes.
137
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,200
It's 7.41.
138
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,720
That will be 11 minutes, sir.
139
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:25,920
- Now...
- It don't matter.
140
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,480
- We'll make do with another table.
- I'm afraid we're fully booked.
141
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:32,520
Although I could squeeze you in at 9.30...
142
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,680
...on Tuesday.
143
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,080
Or you could move those other people
144
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,560
and squeeze us
onto the table that we booked for tonight.
145
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,640
It's only been two minutes.
They'll understand.
146
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:42,800
I really can't do that, sir.
147
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,120
(POSH VOICE)
Oh, well, if you can't, I will!
148
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,600
No, you can't go in there.
149
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,560
No, you can't go in there either, madam.
Where are you going?
150
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,440
You can't go in there.
151
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,640
You!
152
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,200
- Too many calories.
- Oh, darling, come on.
153
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,200
- It'll be delicious.
- The turbot?
154
00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,280
Yes.
155
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,640
(NEIL CLEARS HIS THROAT)
156
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:01,720
Oh!
157
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,240
Ah, what a coincidence!
(CHUCKLES)
158
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,920
Of all the gin joints in all
the towns...etc.
159
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,560
Well, look, do you know what?
We had the most amazing bit of luck.
160
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,560
We just rocked up here on the off chance,
and would you believe it?
161
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,240
Best table in the house suddenly
became available.
162
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,440
Yep.
163
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,960
It's ours.
164
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,320
- I'm sorry?
- The table.
165
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:27,400
We booked it for half past seven,
but the taxi brought us via Penzance.
166
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,160
He's exaggerating.
167
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,400
- It's our anniversary.
- Oh! Oh, right.
168
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,160
Oh, no. Well, look, in that case,
169
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,920
- you absolutely must...you must have it.
- We've ordered drinks.
170
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,440
Our actual anniversary isn't till Thursday
171
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,960
and, to be honest,
I'm not feeling myself today.
172
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,440
I've got a banging headache.
173
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,880
Love, you'll be fine once you've had
something to eat.
174
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,360
I've really been looking forward to it.
175
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,480
She had her heart set
on a bit of monk's beard.
176
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,360
Oh? Right.
177
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,440
Well, um...
178
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,240
Argh! What a bind! Um...
179
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,920
Well, look, if you, um...
180
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,760
If you didn't object,
perhaps we could, um...
181
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,040
Perhaps we could all eat together?
182
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,640
Oh! Well, that'd be lovely.
183
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,080
Yeah! Come on.
184
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,760
It'll be fun. Geoffrey?
185
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,880
Would it be possible to get
two more chairs, please? Thank you.
186
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,640
(CHUCKLES) Ah, what a hoot.
187
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,600
Yes. (SIGHS)
188
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:24,200
ROBERT: Well, I'll put that in that.
There we go. Some water, Fiona?
189
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,640
Thank you.
190
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,720
I'll get you some water. Here you go.
191
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:29,880
And some into there.
192
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,600
Move that glass there, like that.
193
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,080
It's a squeeze, isn't it?
194
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,200
Darling, I'll give you some water here.
195
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,280
Well, I know what I'm having.
196
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,960
Pheasant all the way.
197
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,560
I do like a bit of pheasant.
198
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,080
(CHUCKLES) Excellent choice.
199
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,600
Pheasant here is first class.
They hang it themselves.
200
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,640
I thought they shot 'em.
201
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,640
(CHUCKLES) Very good. Very good.
202
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,240
No, they leave them like that
for about ten days or so
203
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,520
until they start to decompose, which is
what gives it that depth of flavour
204
00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,600
and those wonderful aromas.
You are in for a treat, Neil.
205
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:05,320
They used to hang pheasant
until maggots dropped from their flesh.
206
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:07,560
Sounds lovely.
207
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,440
I'm having the langoustine.
208
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,840
Oh, yes, and you're going to have
the pan-fried dabs with monk's beard.
209
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,320
- Another excellent choice.
- As long as the monk don't mind.
210
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,320
Ha! (CHUCKLES) Very good.
211
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,160
Yes, well, I'm afraid
I'm going to let the side down
212
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,520
because I'm having the hamburger.
213
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:24,080
Mind you, it is an all-steak patty
with hickory-smoked bacon,
214
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,960
melted Cumbrian Cheddar
in a toasted brioche bun.
215
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,640
Oh, God, it's so good.
216
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,120
Sticking with the pheasant?
217
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,600
Absolutely.
218
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,000
Never let me down before.
219
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,680
Always game for a bit of pheasant.
220
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,000
Neil, you're on fire.
221
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,600
I have me moments.
222
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,200
No, no. Your menu. It's on fire.
223
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,480
- Oh, Neil!
- Oh, my...
224
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,880
- Neil, put it out!
- Somebody get...
225
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,200
(GASPS)
226
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,720
Right, um...
227
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,280
Right, it's time for you to go to bed.
228
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,840
I said it's bedtime.
229
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,800
All right. See you in the morning.
Oh, don't forget to brush your teeth.
230
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,160
- Your bedtime.
- I'm not going to bed.
231
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,400
- Yeah, you are.
- Give me half the money, then.
232
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,040
- What?!
- Give me a fiver and I'll go to bed.
233
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,520
Go to bed now or I'm ringing Mum and Dad.
234
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,160
You're not looking after me.
235
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,960
You're just sitting there, same as I am.
Why should you get all that money?
236
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,240
Because I am the responsible one.
237
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,840
- (ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
- What was that?
238
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,240
He must have killed the electricity.
239
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:42,560
Who?
240
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,160
The homicidal maniac.
241
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:48,440
What? No. No, no, no, no, no.
It must be a power cut, or something.
242
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,000
You'd better go out there and sort it.
243
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,720
- Me? Why me?
- Because you're the responsible one.
244
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,160
FIONA: This is gorgeous.
245
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,840
How's the pheasant?
246
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,240
It's... It's unbelievable.
247
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,520
Champagne!
248
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,720
ROBERT: Oh, thank you.
249
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,080
What on earth are you doing?!
250
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:16,000
- Your hand was virtually in me dinner.
- No, it wasn't.
251
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,640
You're lucky I didn't take
a bite out of it.
252
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,040
Happy anniversary!
253
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,760
- For us?
- I thought it wasn't until Thursday.
254
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,400
Well, it's the least we could do
since we stole your table.
255
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,560
Thank you.
256
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,880
You shouldn't have.
257
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,520
Hey!
258
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,840
To the Hacketts!
259
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,440
Happy anniversary.
260
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,840
You spoil that dog.
261
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,400
Well, he loves going out for a drink.
262
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,480
And when he can put his hand
in his pocket, he can join us.
263
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,960
All I said was, I'd take him a sausage
home and a little bit of pudding.
264
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,080
Your table is ready.
265
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,880
Oh, ta very much.
266
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:51,360
Oh, why don't you take him the rabbit
ballotine and have done with it?
267
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,960
He's not keen, is he?
"Hand-cut chips"?
268
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,600
Who's the chef, Bruce Lee?
269
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,760
(GASPS) Oh, it's my Neil.
Get back, get back!
270
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,480
Let's just come clean.
271
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,880
We're all grown-ups.
272
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:06,920
My son isn't.
273
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,800
He'd still have me
walking round in widow's weeds.
274
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,440
Oh, come on,
we'll have to find somewhere else.
275
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,240
Come on.
276
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:16,480
Come on!
277
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,360
Poor Petra.
278
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,040
She was terribly upset.
279
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,080
We were going to take them
skiing next season,
280
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,600
but, well,
that looks like that's off the agenda.
281
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,560
This time next week, Sebastian will
have his head in our fridge.
282
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,840
It'll be Mrs Dillon this
and Mrs Dillon that
283
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,960
while he tries to take a look down my top.
284
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,080
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
285
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,920
I've always fancied having a go at skiing.
286
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,400
When I was 17,
I was a chalet girl in Gstaad.
287
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,600
- And she had a wonderful time.
- His name was Luka.
288
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,800
He didn't speak a word of English.
He was...
289
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,760
He was a jolly nice chap is what he was.
290
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:53,120
So, were you thinking of a-a-a
particular resort?
291
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,280
Well, I have had my eye
on the SnowDome at Tamworth.
292
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,840
Right!
293
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,800
Yes. Well, that's a great place
for finding your feet.
294
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:00,920
Or breaking your neck.
295
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,400
Yes.
296
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,960
Not in a month of Ski Sundays
would you find me on a slope.
297
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,320
- Oh!
- Are you all right?
298
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,040
There's a ball bearing in me dinner!
299
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,320
It's shot, you fool.
300
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,440
- What?
- It's lead shot from the gun.
301
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:19,920
- Lead?!
- Mmm.
302
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,120
- Are they trying to poison me?
- No, no, no.
303
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,560
It's perfectly harmless in small amounts.
304
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,200
There's enough in here
to bring down an elephant.
305
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,920
Waiter! Waiter!
306
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,160
Waiter!
307
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,360
(ROBERT CLEARS HIS THROAT)
308
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,040
It's not even dark.
309
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:37,120
Yeah.
310
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,080
- Well, it will be soon.
- You should've brought your night light.
311
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,520
It's not a night light, it's...
312
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:41,960
It's a reading lamp.
313
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,280
I love the dark.
I don't want the lights to come back on.
314
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,920
Got it.
315
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,400
(CLICKING)
316
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,360
- I had the batteries for my drone.
- Where is it?
317
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,960
Stoke.
318
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,960
- Brilliant.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
319
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,360
- Who's that?
- It must be the homicidal maniac.
320
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,360
- You get it.
- Half the money?
321
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,240
- Maybe they'll just go away.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
322
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,000
(SIGHS) Fine, I'll get it.
323
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,760
- (BANGING ON DOOR)
- Go on, then.
324
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,760
Get ready to whack him.
325
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,040
Is your TV not working, either?
326
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,520
(SHOT CLATTERS ON PLATE)
327
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,160
So, what's with watering the flowers
with your champagne?
328
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:47,160
- I was throwing up all morning.
- You were fine this afternoon.
329
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,240
It's cost muggins 80 quid a bottle, that.
330
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,440
I just didn't want to risk it.
331
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,440
You can have half a glass of bubbly
on your anniversary.
332
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:54,760
That isn't until Thursday.
333
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,080
- Buy you a lager?
- No.
334
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,280
Brandy and Coke?
335
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,360
No, thanks.
336
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,400
- Oh, God, you're...
- Don't press the panic button.
337
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:05,400
I haven't done a test.
338
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,680
- Yeah, but you've had morning sickness.
- I was sick in...the morning.
339
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,360
How's that not morning sickness?
340
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,280
Calm down.
We're doing a big shop tomorrow.
341
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,960
- I'll pick one up then.
- But... Tomorrow?
342
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,400
This is an emergency.
343
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,000
I've had false alarms before.
I knew you'd overreact.
344
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,560
- Not overreact...
- Right.
345
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,040
Just ordered us another
bottle of champagne
346
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,080
- so we'll need to finish this one off.
- No, she's fine!
347
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,520
Look, I'll be right back.
348
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,920
- Neil...
- Excuse me.
349
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,920
Everything all right?
350
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,840
He really doesn't want to go
to the SnowDome.
351
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,280
Two hours?
352
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,120
I need a taxi now. I'm Mr Hackett.
353
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,200
You dropped me and me wife off
at the Swan.
354
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,560
Yeah. We were late for our table
but that don't matter now.
355
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:50,920
Tip?!
356
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,440
No, I was going to give you
the tip on the way back!
357
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,560
Hello?
358
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:55,600
Hello?!
359
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,360
(CAR APPROACHES)
360
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,360
I don't believe it.
361
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,160
Mr Fieldhouse!
362
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,040
MERCY: God, it's Neil over there!
363
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,840
Mr Fieldhouse! Stop!
364
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,640
- Put your foot down!
- Mercy!
365
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,200
- Faster! Faster!
- This is ridiculous!
366
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,840
Mr Fieldhouse!
367
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,440
It's me!
368
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,800
Thank you.
369
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,120
I need a lift into town.
It's an emergency.
370
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,720
Aye. Hop in.
371
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,160
OK.
372
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,800
(DOG GROWLS)
373
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,000
You'll have to watch her,
but plenty of room in the back.
374
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,600
(SHEEP BLEAT)
375
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:48,640
(MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE
AMY WINEHOUSE: Valerie)
376
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,280
And I look across the water...
377
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,440
Aww!
378
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,280
Hey there, little fella!
379
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,880
He's so cute.
380
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,600
What's his name?
381
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,240
- Er, Banksy.
- Like the artist?
382
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,800
No! Like the old Stoke goalie,
Gordon Banks.
383
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,440
Oh.
384
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,000
- Bed. Now.
- No.
385
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,840
Just be a minute.
386
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,120
Oh, OK.
387
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,120
At least you didn't tell her
you were named after Garth Crooks.
388
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,320
Get off. Get off!
389
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:33,080
Right. There's your money. I don't want to
see or hear from you again tonight, OK?
390
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,520
You don't seriously think
you've got a chance with her?
391
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,000
- Shut up!
- (COUGHS)
392
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,760
- Good luck!
- (DOOR CLOSES)
393
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,360
(SNIFFS)
394
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,520
(MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE
AMY WINEHOUSE: Back To Black)
395
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,520
(SNIFFS)
396
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,440
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
397
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,280
This was our song.
398
00:17:58,440 --> 00:17:59,680
(SHE SOBS)
399
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,280
I'm sorry.
400
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:12,160
- I'm getting snot all over your jumper.
- No, no!
401
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,080
- I don't... I don't mind.
- Oh, you've changed.
402
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,080
Yeah, I...got chilly, so...
403
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:18,360
I like the colour.
404
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,000
Aww, thanks.
405
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,920
It's mauve.
406
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,760
(SHE SOBS)
407
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,320
It's the wrong way round.
408
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,840
Yeah, I know, you should have been
409
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,760
- the one breaking up with him.
- No, no, your jumper.
410
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,400
It's back to front.
411
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,520
(SHEEP BLEAT)
412
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,040
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
413
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,680
Hiya.
414
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,400
Look, I know this sounds crazy,
but I really need a pregnancy test.
415
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,120
- I think I need it more.
- No...
416
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,760
It's not for me, it's for my wife.
417
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,880
Sorry. We can't help you.
418
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,640
- Look, you don't understand.
- Hey! No, I don't understand.
419
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,840
I know how excited you both must be.
420
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,040
16 years ago I was stood
right where you are now,
421
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,560
except it was in the Co-op in Ubberley.
422
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,360
Just up the road from the Holly Bush.
423
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,120
Three years later,
I'm stood back in the same place.
424
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,600
Two boys.
425
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,120
Garth and Little Neil.
426
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:42,880
I wouldn't trade 'em for the world.
427
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,880
Pushing them round in their buggies,
trying to get them to sleep.
428
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,840
- Our Garth wouldn't stop crying.
- I don't blame him.
429
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,840
Do you think I can
go through all that again?
430
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,280
The buggies, the nappies, the 4am feeds?
431
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,400
I don't think so!
432
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,440
It was nice talking to you.
433
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,600
A year from now, you'll look like
something out of The Walking Dead.
434
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,880
It's your turn now, it's your turn!
435
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,800
You won't be able to
stand the sight of each other.
436
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,760
We were supposed to be done with all that!
437
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,360
Tonight was the first night in 15 years
we didn't need a baby-sitter!
438
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,600
I should be in the Pheasant now
eating swan!
439
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,360
I mean, the Swan, eating pheasant.
440
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,880
But, oh, no, I'm back here
in the Ubberley Co-op.
441
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,360
- Or thereabouts.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
442
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,680
But you'll have to wait until tomorrow.
443
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,280
I can't wait!
444
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,640
I have to know tonight!
445
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,200
I need to know now!
446
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,400
Oi!
447
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,280
(SOBBING)
448
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,480
Please!
449
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,120
I'm begging you.
450
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,000
I won't sleep tonight,
I may never sleep again!
451
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,200
Try the Ubberley Co-op.
452
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,160
Come on, love.
453
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,560
Excuse me, love.
454
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,400
(MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE
AMY WINEHOUSE: Tears Dry On Their Own)
455
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,800
I should never have told him
about your friend.
456
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,360
No! You did the right thing.
457
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,840
Honesty is really important.
458
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,520
That's what I always say.
459
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,400
I mean, with no trust, you've got nothing.
460
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,520
And you're better off without him anyway.
461
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,120
Yeah, I think you're right.
462
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,720
- You won't be on your own for long.
- (SHE LAUGHS)
463
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,200
No, maybe not.
464
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,840
Going to the theatre next week.
465
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,320
- The theatre?
- Oh, yeah, I love the theatre.
466
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:48,560
I go all the time.
467
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,040
I saw Coriolanus at the National
the other day.
468
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,560
What was the last thing you saw?
469
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,800
The Chuckle Brothers at the Regent.
470
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,520
Our grandma took us. "To me, to you!"
471
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,400
- It was epic.
- Go to bed!
472
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,720
He... He's meant to be in bed, so I...
473
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:08,920
Sure.
474
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,000
- It's your turn.
- Huh?
475
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,000
- I've been hogging it all night.
- Oh, right.
476
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,640
OK.
477
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:24,080
( LAURA MARLING: Worship Me)
478
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,880
Laura Marling?
479
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,280
Oh, my God,
she's my favourite singer-songwriter.
480
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,720
- I don't believe it.
- I mean,
481
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,040
how she didn't win the Mercury Prize
in 2008, 2010
482
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,680
and 2013, I'll never know.
483
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,000
Little boy
484
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:49,120
I know you want something from me...
485
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,680
(DOG YAPPING)
486
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,240
Two hours without electricity!
487
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,280
And the site manager nowhere to be seen.
488
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,720
Well, I told you, he likes to do
street dancing on a Saturday.
489
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,560
- (GASPS)
- It's them!
490
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,200
Quick, quick!
491
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,720
Oof!
492
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,760
Donald Fieldhouse.
493
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,120
Think he's jealous.
494
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,320
Well, I'm not kissing him. Quiet, Fang!
495
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:21,600
(FANG GROWLS)
496
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,680
You totally got me.
497
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,080
I don't know. I think I've done
your nose a bit small.
498
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,360
Not... Not that it's big, just...
499
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,240
...you've got a nice nose...
500
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,480
I-I-I... I'll get you a drink!
501
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,840
...scream
and you'll wait till you're dead
502
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:52,680
Creatures fade by night
503
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:58,200
Following things that aren't right
504
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:02,080
And they're tired
and they need to be led...
505
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:03,280
(CAR APPROACHES)
506
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,040
(THUMP)
507
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,320
Hey, sorry, my mum ran out of red wine,
so...
508
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:11,680
I just got pop.
509
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,280
How could you?
510
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:14,520
Huh?
511
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,640
I can explain that.
512
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,560
So what happened was...
513
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,120
- I...
- You were spying on me.
514
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,920
- No! I wasn't spying on you!
- If you haven't got trust,
515
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,840
then you've got nothing.
516
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,400
FIONA: You might well look sheepish.
517
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:32,680
Don't talk to me about sheep.
518
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,960
Oh, hello, Petra, love.
519
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,160
You? Me?
520
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,720
Kaput.
521
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,640
( LAURA MARLING: Rambling Man)
522
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,000
...by the slightest of breeze
523
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,200
And the weak need to be led
524
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:54,200
And the tender are carried
to their bed...
525
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,920
Doesn't get any easier, you know.
526
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,280
Women are still a mystery to me.
527
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,720
She was just upset about her boyfriend.
528
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,560
Yeah, I know. I was talking about
your mother.
529
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,560
I'm in the doghouse.
530
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,240
- Again.
- Why? What have you done now?
531
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,480
Nothing I haven't done before in Ubberley.
532
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,000
Still, I've never regretted it.
533
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,240
You've lost me.
534
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,040
I hope not.
535
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,920
Still, it wouldn't be the first time.
536
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,760
Do you remember that maze
at Trenton Gardens?
537
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,960
- Vaguely.
- You was about five at the time.
538
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,880
Little Neil was still a baby.
539
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,200
I'd only bent down to put his dummy
back in, and you'd gone.
540
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,720
Couldn't chase after you
because of the pushchair.
541
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,480
So I left him where he was.
542
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,120
I could see his Spongebob balloon
over the hedges,
543
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,800
thought it'd be all right.
544
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,840
Next thing you know, I'm running round
like a madman looking for you
545
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,880
and I see Spongebob floating off
towards Uttoxeter.
546
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,240
I'd lost the pair of you.
547
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,160
Never been so frightened in all me life.
548
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:56,400
Was just about to ring 999 when I come
round the corner and there you were.
549
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,240
Stood next to Little Neil in his buggy
like nothing had happened.
550
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:03,040
That's when I vowed I'd never
let you out of my sight again.
551
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,200
And I haven't.
552
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,560
LITTLE NEIL: What about
West Midland Safari Park?
553
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:15,960
It were your mother's fault!
554
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,600
Of course it was.
555
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,520
Congratulations.
556
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:48,000
We are not having a baby.
557
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:53,600
Yes!
558
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:55,920
(THEY CHEER)
40455
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