Original subtitles

(PHONE ALERT)

(CHOPPING)

So your boss didn't invite you to his birthday. Big deal!

I don't believe it!

Stu Hibbert is wheeling out The Hunchback Of Notre-Dame again.

He's done it at the Christmas party three years running.

Well, he's got a stoop and he's no looker. He's just playing to his strengths.

They've got no imagination.

I mean...

Remember the year I went as Bungle?

Eh? They're still talking about it. Nobody will ever top that.

So have you met Ryan Shawcross?

- Yeah. - And Jack Butland?

- Yeah. - What about Shaqiri?

He gave me his old sunglasses.

What?!

There you go, Tyler.

One mango and quinoa smoothie.

So your mam and dad

- are off to the Cotswolds, eh? - Yeah.

Bit of one-on-one time. Nice.

No, they went with Terry and Gillian.

- The other side of you. - What?

Yeah, it's their silver wedding.

I think a few people from the street went.

Right.

Did you know about this?

I had heard something.

Ruth and Barry were going,

and Vijay and Amala.

Mark and Kelly...

Mark and Kelly? They only moved in five minutes ago!

We've known Terry and Gill for years! I cut down that tree for 'em!

It was the wrong tree, Neil. And it fell on their greenhouse.

Plus, we looked after their tortoise when they went to Lanzarote.

- It ran away. - Only six months ago!

How far could it have got?

People are so ungrateful.

(PHONE ALERT)

"Best Bungle ever."

(DISTANT CONVERSATION)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

- Guess what? - Don't tell me.

Someone else had taken them.

No, better than that!

Robert had accidentally put on Leo's hat,

and Leo had put on Robert's!

- They never did! - They did!

It's true!

I mean, I can't tell it as well as him.

- (THEY LAUGH) - (CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Hiya. Have you got any manuka honey?

We're just out.

Got chocolate spread.

I'm not sure if that's a superfood...

I like it.

Anyway, they head up to...

Yeah, you see, we've got our neighbours' kid staying with us.

Tyler O'Shea.

Remember the name? Plays for Stoke City academy?

I was just saying to the wife, I said,

"You don't put chip fat in a Lamborghini, do you?"

So, they get to the 17th floor, and they realise -

"Oh, no, we've only gone and left the blueprints in the Portakabin..."

- No! - "...when we went to get the hats."

- Oh, no! - Yes!

They'd left the blueprints... That's unbelievable.

They'd left the blueprints in the Portakabin!

...back down the road. 16,

15, 14, all the way.

(LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

We are having a party.

- What? When? - Tonight.

Is this about your boss?

- No. - Terry and Gillian.

You don't have to have an agenda to have a party.

You generally need an occasion.

But you're the one who's always saying we should throw more parties.

You always say no!

I could dig out that cocktail-shaker we brought with us.

Remember the one I made your dad for his 60th?

He had to have his stomach pumped.

Don't blame that on my Dark and Stormy.

He washed down his Warfarin with nine pints of mild.

I mean, we could mend some fences, I suppose.

Come on. Just imagine.

Michael Bublé on the stereo,

Mr Fieldhouse sipping a Manhattan,

Ben Thistlethwaite necking a Black Russian in the corner.

I'd have to do a buffet.

And I thought we were going to the Pencil Museum?

Come on! Nobody puts on a spread like you.

Six different kinds of chicken leg at your dad's funeral.

- Six! - People couldn't believe it!

Tandoori chicken, Chinese chicken, barbecue chicken,

- Cajun... - All right, all right!

We'll throw a party. I just don't see what the rush is.

Well, you know me.

Mr Spontaneity.

We stayed in for the Millennium.

I had a cold!

But tonight, I am snot free and we are going to party like it's 1999.

Ooh!

So...will there be any Chiquita bananas there?

Dunno.

There might be a bowl of salad, but I think it's mainly just chicken legs.

No! Sweet-locks!

Sweet-locks?

Kaboofers.

Will there be any stone-cold foxes

at the party tonight?

- Oh! You mean girls. - Yes.

Nah. It's mainly just pensioners on this site.

- I mean, every now and again... - Hey, Garth!

...hi.

She's a lot older than she looks.

Number 86 are coming.

Number 89 said they might drop by.

Number 91, 92 and 93 weren't in.

Number 94 and 95 have accepted.

Number 97 said they'd love to, but not if 94 are coming.

Number 98's coming down with summat, number 99 said yes,

and 100 just refused to answer the door.

- What about number 7? - Number...7...

The Dillons.

Oh, the Dillons. They, uh...didn't really give a straight answer.

Did you give them a straight question?

Not in so many words.

Did you ask them in any words?

Look, it wouldn't really be their thing, would it?

Music, Mojitos, intelligent conversation.

Look, Robert's just not very good with people.

He'd be happier staying in with Ant & Dec.

We've got Errol Flynn and Paris Hilton living on our doorstep

and you won't invite them to a party.

It wouldn't be fair on the other guests.

He corners people. There's no getting away from him once he's started.

Are you going to ask them or shall I?

(GROANS PETULANTLY)

Just admit it.

- You fancy her. - No, I don't.

"Hey, Garth."

She never said it like that.

- She likes you, man! - No, she doesn't.

She's got a boyfriend.

So what?

So she'd never go behind Sebastian's back.

Sebastian?

Where is this Sebastian?

- Walton-on-Thames. - You're from Stoke-on-Trent

and you're afraid of Sebastian from Walton-on-Thames?

- No! - You love her!

- No, I don't! - Yeah, you do.

It even says it there. Look.

Oh, my God. What have you done?!

Tonight's the night. Don't let me down.

No! It's fine, I understand. Don't apologise.

It just doesn't sound like our kind of thing.

Well, Ant & Dec's on the TV. You don't want to come out.

Yes. Absolutely.

Robert's a huge fan.

Hello! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, wey-ey, man.

Yes. Hello.

Er, come inside, darling, you look freezing.

- Neil was just leaving. - Oh, right.

He, er...only popped by to, er...

...update her on the refurbishment at Keele services.

- Oh! - Yes! How are the...

self-service tills working out?

Oh, we were just saying, if I had a fiver

for every unexpected item in the bagging area...

Wonderful!

- Well, we should let you get going. - Yeah.

There's plenty for you to organise before tonight.

- Tonight? - Yeah!

The big bash! I just ran into Fiona.

- Thank you very much for the invite. - Yeah, well...

So we'll see you around six o'clock?

Looking forward to it!

(MUSIC PLAYS)

I mean, what else could they call me?

Born at 3am on 21st July 1969.

Neil Armstrong setting foot onto one world, I was setting foot onto this.

Hello. I'm Barbara.

I mean, all I can say is, I'm glad Buzz Aldrin was second down that ladder.

- (LAUGHS) - FIONA: Who brought it?

Lorraine Sykes. It's like charades, she said.

What do you have to do?

You have to pick a card out at random and then act it out.

Right, well.

"You are changing a tyre."

"You are a government official

"trying to cover up a UFO landing on Salisbury Plain."

Is that Lorraine Sykes' game?

I did tell her it was a sophisticated cocktail evening,

not a seven-year-old's birthday party.

What else did she bring? Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

THISTLETHWAITE: So, are you expecting a big night?

FIELDHOUSE: I might swing it into Keswick later,

see what's going down.

Work hard, play hard - that's my motto.

Since when?

You've been repainting that launderette for the last two-and-a-half years!

Look, it's a very demanding job, running this site.

It would be very easy to overextend myself.

Not in those trousers.

Yeah. Where'd you get them from - Suzi Quatro's washing line?

(LAUGHS FALSELY)

TYLER: She's here.

I'll, er... I'll go over in a minute.

You won't go over at all.

You'll wait for her to come to you,

because she is Mohammed and you are the mountain.

Or is it the other way around?

Either way, you're staying put.

- Really, no. - Oh, hi!

- Ah! - So glad you could make it.

Oh, no, not at all. We wouldn't have missed it for the world.

We love a party - especially Penny. God.

She was always organising them in Ibiza until...

- Well, until they got a bit out of hand. - Like the one with all the footballers

- when I was a baby? - Yeah.

I brought a few friends back from Café Mambo.

A few friends?! There was over 100 people!

I woke up, looked out of my bedroom window at three in the morning,

and there was Athletico Bilbao in our swimming pool.

We had a lot of fun, but I just...

I'd sooner they'd been wearing trunks.

- Mmm. - Oh.

- Neil would have hit the roof. - Ah.

- Unless it was Stoke City. - (ROBERT LAUGHS)

Greetings.

Oh, hello, Neil. Look, we've brought you this. It's just a...

- Well, it's just a little something. - It's from Guyana.

A blend of the finest rums,

matured for 21 years, within six degrees of the equator.

Six degrees! I don't normally touch anything over four.

- Ha-ha! - Be nice with a splash of Irn-Bru.

We were saving it for a special occasion.

And this is it!

Thanks so much for loaning us the marquee.

- Oh, no, not at all. - And for setting it up.

I'm pleased we could put it to good use.

Every circus needs a big top.

- Robert! - Oh!

I was worried you weren't going to come.

Hey, you've got to tell this lot about you and Leo and the blueprint.

I thought I was going to have an aneurysm!

It's just a little story, an anecdote.

- It's not really worth, er... - No, no. Your public awaits.

Well...OK, then. Well, er,

Leo and I, as I've told you, went up to the top of the building,

and realised that we'd left the blueprint behind.

And not only that, our hats as well!

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

Ladies and gentlemen, the cocktail bar is open!

(CHEERING)

- Right, then. Who's first? - Can I have a Cosmopolitan?

You can, love.

A Long Island Iced Tea, please.

Just bear with me.

Manhattan, please!

It's on its way.

An Old-Fashioned, a Piña Colada,

and two Whiskey Sours.

ALL: Oh!

- Er... - Come on!

Do you think you should give him a hand?

It's not really my forte.

You were head barman at Raffles Hotel in Singapore.

That was more of a...sort of glorified holiday job.

This is Neil's party. I just don't think I should interfere.

Whoa!

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

- (PEOPLE SHOUT ORDERS AND ADVICE) - Right, OK!

- Mai Tai. - Mai Tai!

- Come on! - What do you...?

Never mind the juggling. Where is my Frozen Daiquiri?

Hey! You've got Blue Curaçao on my shirt!

- Oh, boo-hoo. - Cuba Libre!

The good stuff! Brewed 60 degrees north of Ecuador.

(GLASS SMASHES)

(GASPS)

A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-wop-bam-boom.

I think I've, er... I think I've sprained it.

Let's have a look.

I'm sorry, everybody, the, er..

cocktail bar's closed.

(MURMURS OF DISAPPOINTMENT)

Help yourself to beers.

(DOOR OPENS)

Think he'll live.

Never mind.

Excuse the presentation, it was all a bit last-minute.

Oh, no. They look, er...

too good to eat.

Why he suddenly wanted to throw a party, God only knows.

Guess how he celebrated his 40th.

Don't tell me. He went to the cinema.

Sorry. Not even your husband could be that much of a killjoy.

- Iron Man 2. - Oh, good grief.

We spent three weeks on Bora Bora for mine.

We had a villa over the lagoon with its own private butler.

Tapurai.

He was six foot five and 17 stone,

but so gentle with his hands.

We partied on the beach for nine days solid.

Clothing was optional.

Not at the Odeon. They're very strict on that.

Heh. We danced till we dropped.

Even Robert, with his two left feet.

I suppose this is all a bit tame for you.

The night is young.

Of course, when I was a student nurse,

we got up to all sorts.

Oh, there was this one night...

(WHISPERS)

But no-one got arrested, so the following week we did it all over again.

Oh. Those were the days.

Ey, help yourself to chicken.

(LAUGHS)

Calls himself a cocktail waiter?

He's clearly never made a Frozen Daiquiri in his life.

THISTLETHWAITE: Hugh Hefner he is not.

FIELDHOUSE: Shall we try his chicken? Well, I say chicken.

I haven't seen Mrs Wilson from Lodge 42 in a couple of days...

Five minutes in, got the ball to the feet,

bang, it was a goal!

That's as simple as it is.

PETRA: Your friend Tyler seems pretty confident.

We've known each other since we were babies.

One of us has grown up...

...and the other one wears his initials on his chest.

- What, just in case he forgets who he is? - Yeah, exactly!

I mean, look at him,

with his hair, his designer jeans,

the eight-pack...

Eight-pack?

Yeah. He's always asking me to punch him. What a loser.

Totally.

No! No, darling, it's not my place.

Listen, mister, you swapped Ibiza for the Swamp District.

You dragged me to this jamboree. You can make me a Mojito.

Come on, Robert. Let's get this party started!

(CHEERING)

Well, I suppose I could help out. Only if it's agreeable to you.

Everything's agreeable to me.

( Hippy Hippy Shake)

CHANTING: Robert! Robert! Robert! Robert! Robert! Robert!

Robert! Robert! Robert!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

Ha-ha!

(CHANTING RESUMES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

What are you playing at, you fool?

Lorraine Sykes has brought a game.

Well...I think that's an excellent idea.

Brilliant, yes. Let's all play Lorraine's game.

(MOUTHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Where is she?

She's gone to get some chicken.

- Have you sealed the deal? - We're just talking.

Talking?!

I've left you alone with her in a bedroom for 27 minutes,

and you're still in your own half?

Well, she said she liked my pencil case.

Well, maybe we should leave them to it, then.

- Just give me a bit longer. - What for?

So she can fall in love with your alarm clock?

Meanwhile, I'm talking to some lunatic

who's telling me Elvis Presley shot JFK.

She is the only cutie patootie at this party.

- Lorraine Sykes? - No! Petra!

So if you're not going to make a move on her, I will.

Oh! Hi.

Chicken?

You're in the shower.

You're changing a light bulb.

- No! - No talking!

- Ten seconds. - You're dealing a deck of cards.

You're counting money.

- You're Kojak sucking on a lollipop. - Time!

Oh, come on!

I was a chimpanzee eating a banana.

- ALL: Oh! - ROBERT: Oh, of course!

No, that was excellent, Neil, you were very convincing.

I didn't even realise he was acting.

Right, then. Let's see who's next.

I think it should be Robert...

CHANTING: Robert! Robert! Robert! Robert!

Oh, all right!

(CHEERING)

Right, let's have a little look here.

What have we got? What have we got?

Ooh-hoo! That's a bit of a stinker.

Right. Ready?

Er...

OK.

You're Ernest Rutherford, splitting the atom!

Bingo!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

- Thank you. Right, I'm having another go. - Neil!

It isn't your turn!

"You are David Icke fighting the reptilian elite."

Give it up!

Right. OK. Now, this time,

everybody concentrate, yeah?

(GIGGLING)

So, so you think that you could take Sebastian in a sword fight?

I bet you he could take Sebastian in a sword fight.

Sorry.

It's fine.

Don't underestimate this one.

Underneath that questionable shirt is Stoke's answer to Jason Statham.

Ain't that right, Garth?

I'm going to go and get some more drinks.

- Oh, my God! Are you OK? - Yep, I'm fine.

(THEY LAUGH)

(NEIL SCREAMS)

You're Luis Suárez trying to win a penalty.

No, come on, look!

- You're a one-eyed woodlouse. - (BELL RINGS)

- Time! - Aah!

What is wrong with you people?

I was King Harold in the Battle of Hastings?

You were doing the Mobot.

- I was putting my crown on! - Oh.

And as for you.

- Stargazing? - I thought it was a telescope!

How is...

(MIMICS ARROW THEN SCREAMS)

...a telescope?

When was the last time you saw Patrick Moore on horseback?

And as for you, Lester Piggott -

yeah, cos he's always going after the other jockeys with his sword, isn't he?

The Derby was a bloodbath!

And don't think I don't know what's going on.

You planned this.

- You're all in on it together. - What?

Like some sort of conspiracy?

- Yes. - Neil, it's just a game.

It's not just a game, though, is it?

It's the story of my life.

- Neil! - Excuse me.

Neil!

(SNORTS)

Should have stuck with David Icke, eh?

Right, then. Who's next?

I think it should be...

CHANTS: Robert!

ALL: Robert! Robert! Robert!

(CHEERING)

You're Neil Hackett on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

- Do you blame me? - Not at all.

Ernest Rutherford splitting the atom?

Ernest Rutherford!

From that?

Fieldhouse must have seen the answer.

No, he didn't.

It's my husband. It's what he does.

Take that tedious anecdote about his hard hat.

- How is that funny? - It isn't.

Not if you say it. Not if I say it.

- So why are people laughing? - Because Robert said it.

He's the sun, and everybody wants a tan.

Even me.

I don't know how you deal with it.

It's murder.

I spend my entire life on the sidelines.

Did you know he's just had a watercolour exhibited at the Royal Academy?

Oh. So he's an artist as well?

Nope. He was just dabbling.

Last summer, he won the men's doubles at our local tennis club.

Somebody's got to, I suppose.

His partner didn't show up.

So you should quit while you're behind.

What do you mean?

You can throw as many parties as you like,

but you'll never be more popular than he is,

because everybody loves a winner.

There must be something he can't do.

There is one thing.

That's absolutely marvellous.

Come on, stop monopolising Robert.

Wants to let his hair down, don't you, Robert?

- Show us a few moves! - Oh, no, I really...

- Man of your talents... - Ah.

Plays tennis,

had a couple of runouts for Northampton,

won the Boat Race!

- I take it you did win. - Well, yes, yes, yes, we did,

but there were several other chaps in the boat, and the cox of course, so...

Have a dance.

- Oh, I... - Come on.

Have a dance.

Who wants to see Robert dance, eh?

(ALL CHEER)

A little bit of Fred Astaire.

Hey, with a bit of Ginger thrown in.

Please, no.

I just... I'd really rather not, if it's all the same to you. So, um...

(SOFTLY) Robert...

No, Neil, don't do that.

- No, no, please... - ALL CHANTING: Robert! Robert! Robert!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

( OLLY MURS: Dance With Me Tonight)

(CHANTING TRAILS OFF)

(VOLUME INCREASES)

- Robert. Just relax and follow me. - OK.

- We're just going to go side to side. - Ah.

- Oh! There we go. - Oh, right.

That's better, isn't it?

Oh! Oh, how exciting. How does that go?

Oh! Come on, then.

- ROBERT: How about that? - (THEY LAUGH)

(GIRL LAUGHS)

( JESS GLYNNE: Hold My Hand)

Oh, won't you hold my hand?

Cos I don't wanna walk on my own any more

Won't you understand?

Cos I don't wanna walk alone

I'm ready for this, there's no denying

I'm ready for this, you stop me falling

I'm ready for this, I need you all-in

I'm ready for this

So darling, hold my hand

Don't wanna know

That feeling when I'm all alone

So please don't make me wait...

(CHEERING)

Oh! Ed Balls to Olly Murs, darling.

I was never Shadow Chancellor.

Oh, shut up and dance.

Oh, it's a wonderful party.

Oh, thanks!

I haven't danced like this since the night

the MOD released the files on the Rendlesham Forest incident.

Oh, yeah, hi!

- Good evening. - Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

I must say, you're looking rather lovely this evening.

Are you coming to sort out my guttering tomorrow?

Sorry, I'm repainting the launderette.

I'm ready for this, there's no denying

I'm ready for this, you stop me falling

I'm ready for this, I need you all-in

I'm ready for this

So darling, hold my hand.

Where's Tyler?

He's with Petra.

Oh, I see.

- How's the party? - Oh, it's rocking.

Just...thought I'd get some air.

Yeah, me too.

Life's full of Tylers.

Tell me about it.

I mean, there's loads of them in 10C.

There's Tyler Manning, Tyler Bradbury,

- Tyler... - No!

What I mean is, his type.

Good-looking, successful, admired.

Not like us.

Oh, thanks, Dad!

Yeah, I'm really glad we had this chat.

Have you ever thought about becoming a motivational speaker or something?

What I mean is...

You've got to be your own person.

Happy within yourself. Comfortable in your own skin.

Like me.

FIONA: There you are!

- Just come to get some air. - Some air, yeah.

Come back to the party.

Nobody wants me there.

- I want you there. - I want you there.

I want you there.

As long as I can stay here.

Home.

Now.

Is there any chicken left?

There's a bit of tandoori. And some barbecue.

- Oh, and a plate of Chinese. - Ooh!

Might even be a few Cajun wings left, if you're lucky.

- I'm not dancing, though. - Oh, come on, love.