Original subtitles

(MUTTERS)

Have you got change for £1?

No.

There's two kinds of people in this world -

those who'd put in £2

and those who'd put in one.

Which kind are you?

Mm.

Morning.

- Oh, good morning, Robert. Good morning. - Morning.

Hello, Neil. What have you got there?

Ooh!

Helvellyn via Striding Edge.

Right. Yes, I-I...

I might be inclined to try something else.

Ooh, look, Catbells.

This is a lovely gentle walk.

It's, er... Look, it's only a 500-metre ascent.

There's a bit of scrambling involved but I'm sure the boys would love that.

Yeah. I think we'll be all right with Helvellyn, thanks.

Right.

It's just that that can be, er, rather challenging, if not downright treacherous.

- What's he looking at? - Helvellyn via Striding Edge.

(CHORTLES)

Hey! I've been up Snowdon 11 times.

Really? W-Which route?

It... The...

The bottom to the top!

Cheerio.

Yeah, but...

(CHUCKLES)

Right.

Change of plan.

We're not going t'Pencil Museum.

We are conquering Helvellyn via Striding Edge.

- Yes! - Helvellyn? Isn't that a mountain?

Third highest in England. Over 3,000 feet above sea level.

- Get in! - You've never been for a walk

- in your life. - And you're terrified of heights.

When I was a kid, I went up Snowdon 11 times.

Yeah, on the little steam train.

I know what I'm doing.

I've seen Touching The Void.

3,000 feet? You'll be touching the cloth.

It'll be fine. It's just a matter of preparation.

We'll take a big bottle of water and some Jaffa Cakes.

Oh, yeah, Sherpa Tenzing never went anywhere without his Jaffa Cakes.

Got it.

Right, come on.

Supplies.

They're going up where?

Helvellyn via Striding Edge.

It's like walking along a razor blade. It's just...

I'm not entirely sure he knows what he's doing.

If the oaf wants to kill himself, that's his affair.

What about Fiona and the boys?

I thought we could go with them.

Well, you can hold their hands if you like.

I'm getting waxed in Keswick.

Oh, come on, darling. I thought you could wear

those hiking boots I got you for your birthday.

I believe they're still sitting in their box.

And the fresh air will do you good.

Don't waft!

I told you about wafting.

I just thought we could do something together as a family.

Darling, nothing would give me greater pleasure

than to recreate The Sound Of Music with your friends from Stoke but...

...I can't let Maurizio down.

Ah, you're awake.

- Barely. - Oh, by the way, Maurizio called.

- Ugh! - He said he's had to go to Hartlepool.

His mum's had a fall.

Wonderful!

Dig out those boots!

Ha-ha. Come on, dolly.

Have you been at these Jaffa Cakes?

LITTLE NEIL: I've only had a couple.

We've not left the house yet!

Ready when you are, Robert.

Oh, yeah, terrific.

Well done. I was just, er...

...just waiting on Julia Bradbury.

Oh, thanks for coming with us.

Oh, no, not at all. Not at all.

If they can't keep up, we're leaving them behind.

Did you buy these for a geisha?

All I need is a kimono and a fan.

They'll be fine once you've broken them in.

How long will that take?

About 48 hours.

Two days solid, including the nights?

Darling, I did tell you to wear them around the house.

For the trek to the drawing-room? Or a dinner party, perhaps?

They'd go beautifully with my Lagerfeld tulle.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

We really should get going if we want to get back before lunchtime.

Lunchtime? Oh...

I think we might be rather longer than that.

- You might. - Ha!

Right, so shall we rendezvous main car park, Glenridding?

Glenridding...

Hold on, it's, er...

...grid reference NY 385 169.

- 169? - Yeah.

Yeah, well, that'd help if you give me the ley-line reference as well, you know,

but don't worry. I-I'll suss it.

It's just, er...

It's just here. It's just near Ullswater.

All right. We'll find it.

What have you got there? It looks very fancy.

Oh, no, not really. It's just a little GPS device.

Electronic compass, barometric altimeter, that sort of thing.

It was a godsend in the Pyrenees.

Well, I'll stick with my trusty OS map, thanks.

- Ah, yes. - Seen me through many an adventure.

- Ah. - Every tear tells a tale.

You just found that in the cupboard.

Maps were good enough for Mallory and Irvine.

- And they were never seen again. - Oh, no,

they found Mallory's body eventually.

Is that fully charged?

Yes, fully charged and ready to go, as are we.

Shall we make a move? Come on, team.

- We'll see you in the car park. - Yep.

Come on, Hopalong.

(MUTTERS)

ROBERT: Come on, everybody.

Doing terribly well.

Up we go.

PENNY: People weren't designed for this.

Goats have hooves for a reason.

They'll save a fortune in shoes.

You can't paint a hoof, mind.

Why does anyone do this?

What's the point?

He'll drag us all to the top of the hill and he'll drag us all the way down again.

I'm married to the Grand Old Duke of York.

Ow, God!

I've never known pain like it!

Do nurses carry morphine?

Er, not usually, no.

You don't think it will have to come off, do you?

I think you'll be OK.

How long have we been going?

About half-hour.

Oh, wonderful.

Only 47-and-a-half hours of - oh! - agony to go.

What's it like, being adopted?

I cry myself to sleep every night.

- Seriously? - No.

No, of course not. You know, I couldn't wish for better parents.

- My boyfriend says he's had... - Garth!

She's got a boyfriend!

NEIL: I'm not going to follow these orange paths.

They all just go round in circles.

No, they are, er...

Those are contour lines. They indicate the elevation of the terrain.

Yeah, well...

...don't need a map to know I'm going uphill.

Come on, you lot. One last push. Hey,

should have brought a flag! Well, what are you waiting for?

Get your phone out. We'll take a selfie on the summit.

Don't know what you're so worried about.

We're almost...

...there.

Now, remember what I said - if she's dropped a dress size,

it'll be you she's dropping next. All right?

So, this is what all the fuss is about?

Neil? Neil?

ROBERT: Yeah, these false peaks can be very deceptive.

I encountered a similar problem when we were in the Dolomites.

Thought I was summiting Marmolada.

Yeah, well, I didn't think it was the top.

I was just trying to boost morale.

Oh. Ha-ha.

Oh, right, excellent idea. Well done.

- Right, hang on a minute. - Right.

Oh.

169...

(MUTTERS)

16...

16... Oh, 13...

No, I...

Actually, I think that's upside down.

Could you, er...?

If you...just...

Yeah.

It's right. Up that hill.

Neil, I'm sure you're right but, er, would you mind if I just, er,

quickly double-check the gizmo? Hold on.

Er... Oh, would you believe it?

It's, er... It's actually telling us to go that way.

Does it?

And if it told you to step off a precipice, would you?

You can't rely on those things!

Neil!

I went to a conference in South Wales once.

I put "Newport" in the sat nav, ended up on the Isle of Wight.

Didn't you realise something was amiss when you were on the ferry?

Well, I thought I'd been re-routed.

Look, I've actually done this walk a couple of times and I now recall,

i-i-it's definitely left.

Good.

Well, come on, my lot. We're going right.

Don't be daft. Robert knows the way!

- I want to go with Dad. - I don't.

He's got the Jaffa Cakes.

The Jaffa Cakes are coming with us and so's your father.

It's a question of safety.

You lot do what you want.

I'm going this way.

Neil, what are you doing?

Wait for me!

- What? - I think you're right.

I think it's right.

Darling, I think it's probably better if we stick together.

Right it is.

(SIGHS)

Well, follow us, then.

I'll see you at the top, Dad.

Aye, we'll be waiting for you.

And, hey, we will get that selfie.

Oh, Neil!

Honestly, honestly, don't... Don't worry.

As soon as they're out of sight, Penny will head straight back down.

By the time we've reached the summit, she'll be sitting

in her hot tub with a nicely chilled Pinot Grigio.

What about Neil?

Well...

...Lady Penelope needs her Parker.

I'm afraid he won't even have a choice.

Well, I hope you're right.

Hmm.

Right, come on, gang. This way.

Neil, are you there?

Neil?

(PANTS)

Thank God!

- They're out of sight. - Eh?

We can go down now. You can drive us home.

That was the plan, wasn't it?

No.

We're going this way because the map said "right".

The map said nothing. You were guessing.

You're no more capable of reaching

- the top of this mountain than I am. - Hey!

I've been up Snowdon 11 times.

My husband has climbed Kilimanjaro, scaled the face of El Capitan,

made mincemeat of the Matterhorn.

He's trekked the Rockies, the Andes and the Hindu Kush, but you,

a newsagent from Stoke-on-Trent, know better?

(CHUCKLES) I think not.

Yep. Well, I made a promise to my son.

I will see him at the summit and we will take that selfie together.

If you want to go down without a map and water and Jaffa Cakes,

then be my guest.

But me?

I've got an appointment with destiny.

And I had an appointment with Maurizio.

Do you know how hard it is to get an appointment with him?

(BOTH MUTTER)

Follow me. Oh!

- Rocks! - (GROANS)

(DOG BARKS)

Quiet, Fang.

Can I help you?

My name is Mercy. Mercy Hackett.

Do you know where my Neil is?

Is he the bloke from Stoke?

They're definitely up here this weekend but nobody's answering the door.

Did they not know you were coming?

- (DOG BARKS) - Quiet, Fang.

(DOG GROWLS)

I'll be in Burslem Cemetery before she invites me.

I invite my lot up all the time.

Have they ever been? Once,

when they wanted a deposit on a house.

Oh! Shocking, in't it?

Kettle's just boiled.

Fancy a cup of tea?

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

I'll do it.

You sit yourself down.

- (DOG BARKS) - Quiet, Fang.

# And I felt so good...#

- FIONA: Oh, wow! Look! - ROBERT: Look at that.

Terrific!

FIONA: Look at that!

That's fantastic. Look at that shot there.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey! Be nice, you.

I think you and the boys did jolly well.

Mum, I'm starving.

Well, we, er...

We could, er, you know... We could stop for a bite and a drink

in, er...in Pooley Bridge.

Hair-raising, isn't it?

I was scared, too, my first time.

No, I...

I wasn't scared. I was...

I was seeing if there was an echo.

Look, about earlier...

It's times like that I'm glad I don't have a little brother.

I don't fancy you.

Oh. Thank you.

Not... Not that I think you're ugly or anything. It's j...

There's someone else.

Oh.

And does he or she have a name?

She. She.

So, tell me all about this lucky lady.

Well, she's...er...

- She's lovely. - Who is?

Garth's girlfriend.

Garth's girlfriend?

Yeah.

How long have you guys been together?

Oh, they've... They've been together ages.

She just lives up the road.

We've known the...Dups for years.

Yeah. Yeah, the... The Dups.

Mr and Mrs Dup,

Jason Dup, Joey Dup

and their sister May.

May.

That's a pretty name.

Yeah, his girlfriend's May Dup.

- (CHUCKLES) - You're dead!

Get here now! Get here!

I hope they did turn back.

Neil gets vertigo on the escalators at the Potteries Centre.

I promise you, there's very little that comes between my wife and a Pinot Grigio.

- Hmm. - They'll be absolutely fine.

Right.

Well, that's just brilliant.

I can't believe you've poured the last of the water on your feet.

It was my turn. What I did with it was none of your business.

Yeah, but it was my water in the first place!

Like it was your Jaffa Cake, and you had to eat it right in front of me.

I offered you half of it.

Only after you'd bitten it.

You should have broken it in two. Everybody knows that.

I didn't want to lose any of the crumbs!

I don't even drink tap water.

Hey, now, there could be all sorts in there.

These streams are glowing after Chernobyl.

One sip of that, you'd be like the Ready Brek kid.

Robert drinks from these things all the time.

Well, I bet he does.

I bet he walks on them, too.

How do we know there's not a dead sheep upstream?

You can't drown in that.

Drown? How about poisoned?

These mountain streams are littered with corpses.

You've never been up a mountain in your life.

I've been up Snowdon 11 times!

Well, I'm drinking it.

You can die of thirst for all I care.

Don't say I didn't warn you,

because my conscience is clear.

Hey, and it'll not be me carrying you back down.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, they should bottle this stuff!

Oh!

Oh!

LITTLE NEIL: What were you crying? What were you crying, Garth?

- "Mummy! Mummy!" - I never...

I never said that.

- "Mummy!" - I...

I was seeing if there was an echo.

Don't mind me. I'm just taking

- a few snaps for the website. - Oh, right.

"Mummy, I'm scared!"

- Ouch! He just stabbed me. - He's making it up.

Stop it, the pair of you. I'm sorry about the racket.

It's what families are all about.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) We're...

(ALL LAUGH AWKWARDLY)

Oh, my brothers and I used to rag on each other all the time.

I used to hate the county chess finals.

My brother would be kicking my legs under the table.

My shins would be black and blue.

Garth likes chess.

- He's got a lovely Harry Potter set. - Oh, right.

He used to take Dumbledore to bed with him.

No, I d... I...

- I didn't. I didn't. - Used to run around the kitchen

- on the mop playing quidditch. - (ROBERT CHUCKLES)

Quidditch! Oh, that sounds like fun.

He cried when I flushed his Dobby down the toilet.

That was you?

Don't be embarrassed.

When I was little, I lost my Furby at Kuala Lumpur Airport

and I bawled my eyes out the whole way home.

I was just the same when My Little Pony went missing.

Poor Penny's little pony had to be put down.

What's all this?

- Grandma?! - Who's Ginger Spice?

- Oh! - And where the hell's my son?

Still no signal?

How many times? I said I'm sorry.

You can't tell the difference between a berry and a rabbit dropping!

You're the one who ate it.

You're the one who let the map blow away.

I didn't ask you to follow me.

Not that you could read it anyway.

What was I thinking, putting my trust in an imbecile like you?

Hey, I'd be doing fine if it wasn't for you

holding me back, what with your blisters and your moaning.

"Ibiza this, Ibiza that."

Oh, whereas Keele services is so much more interesting.

I can't wait to tell my friends your gripping tale

about last year's refurbishment - how self-service tills transformed your life.

They're not self-service.

They're semi-attended customer-activated terminals.

They're never completely unmanned.

There's always somebody watching.

So if you're thinking of having it away with a sly Maeve Binchy

or a Toblerone, think again.

I haven't got time for this.

Come on, Moses.

We've got to find the promised land.

But...

I promise you, this one's a berry.

Well...at least I think it is.

Sorry about that Ginger Spice crack.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, no, not at all.

I was rather flattered, actually.

I thought they were actually rather marvellous role models

for young women everywhere. Although I don't think

I'd look quite as good in that Union Jack dress!

(THEY CHUCKLE)

So, you haven't seen Neil at all?

No, I've been with Donald all day.

We took Fang out for a walk.

Where was it, duck?

Catbells.

Oh, Catbells! Oh, that's a lovely leisurely walk.

Yes, I did mention that to Neil this morning, but he was adamant that you...

Was he, now? And what did you say about Helvellyn?

Well, I...

I-I did suggest that it might be rather... (CLEARS HIS THROAT) ...challenging.

I'll kill him.

Now, there's a picture if ever I saw one.

Three generations breaking bread in the heart of the English Lakes.

No, it, er...

It'll be four once these lovebirds get started.

(CHUCKLES)

Mum and Dad, more in love than ever. You can see it in their eyes.

- Well, actually, it, er... - And, finally, the baby boomers.

There might be snow on the roof but there's fire in the furnace.

- Am I wrong? - We'll have to wait and see.

Oh!

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

(PETRA AND MERCY CHUCKLE)

What shall we name our first one?

- First what? - Child.

What about...Little Garth?

(CHUCKLES)

Your, er...

Your mother-in-law left in quite a hurry.

She seemed rather upset.

She had no business coming up here out of the blue, and I told her so.

- Ah. - She's always doing it.

We were on our honeymoon in Greece, looking round the Acropolis,

and who should step out from behind a pillar?

Oh!

Ha! Oh, I wondered why you didn't seem surprised to see her.

Nothing that woman does could surprise me.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Ah.

Well, I don't want to worry you, but, er...

They're still on the mountain?!

Er...

Well, he has been up Snowdon 11 times.

On the little steam train!

Ah.

(BIRDS CAW)

It's like they're banging the dinner gong.

- Are there any more berries? - No.

But we could make a start on the bracken.

We should push on.

Where? Up, down, left, right?

We've passed that same rock six times.

They were different rocks.

It's the same rock - it's the one that looks like David Hasselhoff.

I'm going to die dressed like the innkeeper from Little Neil's nativity.

I never thought it would end like this.

I always picture myself...

...on a four-poster bed,

surrounded by my grandchildren, gentle piano music playing.

Or choking on my own vomit in the ladies' toilet at Manumission.

I'm sorry I poured your water on my feet.

I'm sorry about that Jaffa Cake.

I knew what I was doing.

What would you have done differently?

Well, I'd have gone left instead of right.

No, I mean in general, in life.

Well, I do have one regret.

I wish I'd seen more of the world.

When I used to work at East Midlands Airport, I'd walk past the departure board

every night.

See all the exotic destinations.

Barbados...

Oh!

Milan...

Aberdeen.

Then I'd get on the A50 to Stoke, drive past all the same old signs...

I've seen the world.

It wasn't much to write home about.

Oh!

All I ever needed was a poolside bar.

I've sold a million headlines.

Now I'm going to end up as one.

I should've been more like my mother.

Dedicated my life to the Brocken Women's Institute,

volunteered for the bonfire committee.

All I got involved with was the young farmers...

Charles, Toby...

Hugo.

Henry.

Charles - a different Charles.

St John.

Shane.

Though he was more of a labourer.

I wish I'd said a proper goodbye to the kids.

I wish I could tell my mother that I love her.

I wish I'd danced at my own wedding.

What?

I told her I'd twisted my ankle.

I'm not a dancer.

Neither is Robert.

Should have danced that night, though.

What was the song?

Stand By Me.

# When the night has come

# And the land is dark

# And the moon is the only light we'll see

BOTH: # No, I won't

# Be afraid

# No, I won't

# Be afraid

# Just as long

# As you stand

# Stand by me

# And, darling, darling, stand

# By me

# Oh, stand by me... #

(WHIRRING)

# If the sky that we look upon... #

Oh!

Oh, my God!

- Down, down! - Hi!

(THEY YELL)

I've never been so happy to see another human being!

Thank you!

Robert?

Oh!

- Ah! - Is that Robert?

Robert!

Robert!

# ...Just as long as you stand... #

Robert!

# ...Stand by me... # - Robert!

# ...And, darling, darling, stand

# By me

# Oh, stand

# By me... #

My mother?

It was the Acropolis all over again.

As if I haven't had enough to put up with.

Well, where's she now?

Mr Fieldhouse drove her to the station.

She's gone home?

We had a bit of a set-to.

She said I shouldn't have let you wander off on your own.

She was right.

My wife and kids should have been there by my...

- ...side. - As you were dangling from a helicopter

like a starfish?

It was epic at the top, Dad.

Yeah, I know. I should have been at the summit waiting for you, son.

I could have been Amundsen to his Scott.

Instead of being saddled to Captain Oates and her blisters.

I took loads of pictures.

You've got to see this one.

We found a dead sheep in a stream.

What?

It was gross. All its guts were hanging in the water.

Yeah. Yeah, cheers, mate.

You should look at those pictures.

Look at the knife-edge ridge we had to cross.

We were practically tightrope walking.

Poor Garth - he was scared out of his wits.

- No, I wasn't. - He wet himself.

No...

It was a Capri-Sun.

And you'd been warned - Hell-vellyn. The clue is in the name.

Look, I'll make it up to you.

All of you.

I'll take you out for Sunday lunch.

Spare no expense.

You can do what you like. I'm going to bed.

So...

...were you really dancing on that mountain?

We were just keeping warm.

PENNY: I don't feel embarrassed in the slightest.

(CHUCKLES)

After all the hours you've put in with Mountain Rescue,

it was the least they could do for me.

Oh, they'd never seen anything quite like it!

It was like the last dance at a school disco.

I've told you - I was just keeping warm.

Yeah, keeping warm.

Of course you were, darling. Good survival skills. Well done.

Mum, Granny's on the phone. She wants to speak to you.

(GASPS)

No.