Original subtitles

I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high oo'er vales and hills

- When all at once... - It's o'er vales and hills.

- What? - O'er vales and hills.

You said oo'er, like, "Ooh-er, Matron!"

I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills

- When all at once I saw a crowd... - Whoa!

Did you see that badger?

- He's not getting up from that. - When all at once I saw a crowd

- A host of golden... - Is Roxy all right?

Will you be quiet?

He must think he's in a tsunami.

Dad took that last bend like Nico Rosberg.

Carry on, love.

No, they're not interested.

- I am. - The moment's gone.

I wanna hear the rest of it.

- It's fine. - I was enjoying myself.

I'm not bothered.

- I want to hear the poem. - A host of golden daffodils.

All right? A host of golden daffodils.

Happy now?!

O'er there!

NEIL: Sing 'em a song about a bloke from Leeds swallowing a packet of seeds,

they're enthralled!

- Introduce a bit of culture...? - You're not bothered, are you?

And I did not take that corner too tight.

- NEIL: Now, then, look at that! - Look at that!

FIONA: Neil, watch the speed bump. Watch the speed bump!

- (WATER SLOSHES) - Oh, Neil!

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

NEIL: I told you to put them in Tupperware, didn't I?

Banksy looks well traumatised.

He'll have forgotten about it already.

- (CAR APPROACHES) - Oh, hey up,

here comes Barbie and Ken.

- Dream house and hot tub sold separately. - Neil!

Right.

They don't have an emoji for quinoa!

- I'm sorry? - Mum has started

composing her shopping lists entirely in emojis.

They're modern-day hieroglyphics.

Oh, right. Blimey, we'll be writing novels with them next!

War And Peace will be two pages long.

Russian flag, French flag, heart, cannon, dove.

(CHUCKLES)

Right, shall we?

Well, the Eagle has finally landed.

One small step for Neil Hackett, one giant leap for this family.

Our first full day of our first proper season.

These are the keys to our future happiness.

These can unlock the door to all our hopes and dreams.

Yeah, well, it won't fix the Wi-Fi!

Might as well be on the moon!

Oh, look who's here - the Stoke massive.

Darling, they're perfectly nice people.

Hiya!

Oh, hello!

Thistlethwaite was on the verge of demolishing that hovel.

I would have driven the bulldozer myself.

I think it's rather homely.

- Homely?! - Yes.

- It belongs in Soweto! - Darling!

Do you know what the temperature is in Ibiza?

- Go on. - 34 degrees.

We'd be sat by the pool, our bougainvillea in bloom,

crickets in full voice,

lizards basking on the patio.

You couldn't stand the lizards, you used to chase them with the pool-skimmer!

And the crickets made your ears bleed.

I'd crawl over broken glass to have my crickets back.

And you frequently did, my darling.

Well, we're older and wiser now, aren't we?

Older and wiser and considerably colder.

But then Darren suggested putting the neck supports above the A to Zs,

left of the news island!

He's genius!

That will bag him the Nobel!

- Who's this? - Dad's new boss, Darren.

Area manager! Not boss, area manager.

And a finer bloke you couldn't wish to meet. He's a prince amongst...

Area managers?

(LAUGHS)

- Oh, that's what you look like! - Ha-ha...

Here you are, make yourself useful.

I thought you said you didn't need an area manager?

I thought you said you could run things better on your own?

I could, but there's more to Go News than Keele services!

Head office can see the bigger picture.

But I thought you said that they were all faceless bureaucrats

- who tied you up in red tape. - They were. Well, they did.

Tied up by a bloke with no face?

Look, Darren's different.

Special?

Take the other day.

I had an out-of-date BLT from the chiller. Didn't think twice.

Are you allowed to do that?

Technically, no, but if Darren found out, he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I feel like he's empowered me to make exec decisions,

to reach out for that next rung on the corporate ladder.

By letting you eat a sandwich that was off?

It's like he's more than a boss... area manager.

We're actually more like...

- Boyfriend and girlfriend? - Mates!

Actually, he's in the Lakes this weekend with the wife and kids.

He said he might pop by.

Who, Darren?!

Yes. Is that straight? I can't tell from here.

Might?! Might?! When?!

Well, we didn't narrow it down.

I just said they were welcome any time.

Hey, you'll love him. He does this brilliant Len Goodman.

Are they coming or not?

He's very easy-going, he'll take us as he finds us.

- How many kids has he got? - Four.

Maybe five, with the baby...

I think his wife is vegetarian.

- What?! - (BOYS LAUGH)

(OPERATIC MUSIC)

(SHE SIGHS)

Still downloading?

Three-and-a-half glasses of wine trying to update my Facebook page!

It would have been quicker to send a carrier pigeon.

Well, there are other things you could do, my darling,

like help with my flies.

It's very therapeutic.

Look, this is a pheasant-tailed nymph. It's excellent for trout

and designed specifically to mimic larger aquatic larvae, so...

I'd rather stick with this.

Right.

(VACUUM CLEANER DRONES)

Hey, that looks nice.

It's beef Wellington!

(VACUUM CLEANER OFF)

He can have the beef, she can have the Wellington.

They've all got meat in 'em!

- (PHONE PINGS) - It'll be all right, come on.

Now then.

The BLT.

Do you think they'll be staying the night?

I wouldn't have thought so.

Who was that?

Just me mum.

Her new teeth have arrived.

Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.

Good morning, Mrs Dillon.

I've got some wonderful news.

You've told me this again and again, but still the Wi-Fi doesn't work.

I sent you 14 threatening e-mails.

I didn't get them.

Why should I believe you this time?

Because I'm putting a mast up for you.

For me? Well, that's fantastic.

- Where? - Just over yonder.

Is that close enough for you, Mrs Dillon?

Perfect.

- (SHOWER RUNS) - (FIONA SINGS)

(MACHINERY RUMBLES)

(WORKMEN CHATTER)

Thistlethwaite!

Oh, I wanted to surprise you!

Hey, turn that off now!

I wouldn't have put this in front of anybody's lodge, you know.

You are going to have the best Wi-Fi on the site, if not the entire North Lakes.

What's the bandwidth?

Oh, the bandwidth? The band width.

Yes, it's going to be very wide, it's very, very wide, my friend.

We'll be microwaved in our beds! Remove sleeve and pierce film!

That's a load of old hogwash, and I should know,

because I've, er, washed a few hogs in my time. Eh?!

- (WORKMEN LAUGH) - What's the MBPS?

- Wouldn't you like to know. - Yeah, I would.

Why here? Why us?

Look, you are part of a community now.

That means putting up with things, sometimes, that you don't like.

Mrs D, she's been waiting...

- She's been waiting months for her Wi-Fi. - Has she?

Well, why not put it over there?

Outside the Dillons'?!

Don't be absurd!

You are not putting that eyesore on my property.

Correct.

Out of the way.

Your boundary is...here.

That mast is going...

...here.

Who do I write to?

Me.

- You can send him an e-mail! - (THISTLETHWAITE LAUGHS)

Hello. I heard about the mast.

- Yeah, well, I can't stop. - You know what they're for.

Covert surveillance.

Every word you say goes straight back to GCHQ.

Why would they be interested in me?

Well, they're interested in everyone.

They put a mobile phone mast at the end of my uncle's road last year.

Six months later, he was arrested!

- What for? - Fly-tipping.

Mr Fieldhouse! Mr Fieldhouse!

Did you know they had successfully cloned Kevin Costner?

- Yes. - It could be anyone.

- I know. - It could be you.

It could be your dog, it could be anybody.

They're not going to stop. Everyone is in danger!

No-one's safe any more!

Ahoy there!

Oh, wonderful, isn't it?

- I suppose. - I'm just back from a quick supply run.

I tend not to drive into the village.

Much easier to drop anchor than to park the car.

Plus, the exercise is good for you.

- Yeah, but it's hardly the Boat Race. - No, you're quite right.

That was incredibly exhausting!

- You ever row? - I have done.

- Were you in an eight? - An eight?

- No, there was five of us. - Oh.

Took me mum to Festival Park.

Swan got in the boat we'd hired.

It was after our Garth's crisps.

I vowed never again.

Oh, sounds ghastly.

Well, it's a shame to let that put you off the water.

Must admit, I would be quite happy to get in that boat with you right now.

Well, in that case...

Permission to come aboard!

(CHUCKLES)

What's the occasion?

Or don't you need one?

No, we got a bit of good news at work yesterday.

We've actually just won a prize.

Nothing to shout about, but, you know, Penny wanted to raise a glass. Any excuse!

- What did you win it for? - Oh, well,

I'm a partner in an architectural firm and, well, we've just designed

a carbon-neutral hotel in Daventry. FSC timber,

super-insulated façade and passive ventilation,

that kind of thing.

It's actually just off the A45.

Near Watford Gap services.

Yes, that's right.

I used to work at Keele.

Oh, I remember, you managed the newsagent's.

Go News!

North and southbound.

I was 12 when I had my first paper round.

Right.

I'll never forget, December 13th 1981.

The snow was three metres deep, but everybody on my round got their Sentinel.

- Oh? - And, yes, I didn't finish till midnight

and, yes, the police were out searching for me

and, yes, I couldn't feel this foot for three days afterwards.

But I delivered.

- That's...jolly good! - By the time I was 30,

I was running the WHSmith concession at North Staffs General.

It was me who introduced the three-for-two on the get-well-soons.

Oh, right.

And I ran a tight ship at Keele.

We had eight coachloads of pensioners in last Wednesday.

They were like locusts, but I coped.

- Bravo. - I don't have to take orders

- from Darren any more. - Is that your boss?

- Area manager. - Right.

I'm free now!

I call my own shots from here on in.

What, you're going solo?

- You might say. - Well, good for you!

I remember when I struck out on my own.

Everyone thought I was mad, Penny included.

In fact, when I told her I was going to resign, she hid my phone,

then she hid my laptop, and then she let the tyres down on my car.

Anyway, she got over it and, well...

Never regretted it.

Come on! This is the first day of the rest of your life!

It's a cause for celebration!

- I think this calls for a toast! - No.

Neil, look, we've got the champagne.

- No. - Come on, a speech.

To Neil Hackett and his fantastic new...

I got sacked!

(SPEECH ECHOES)

What?

Fired! Dismissed! Given me P45!

By text!

Oh, Neil.

Oh, that...that's terrible.

Yeah, well, I brought it on myself.

What on earth happened?

I'm no better than a common thief.

Oh.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Was it a great deal of money?

I took a BLT from the chiller without paying.

It was out of date, so they couldn't sell it anyway, but Darren wasn't to know that,

not when he saw the CCTV footage.

Right.

How is Fiona taking it?

I haven't told her yet.

Oh, well, you...you really ought to.

How can I?!

The site fees are due this month.

I can't afford to pay 'em.

I'm going to have to give up the lodge.

Well, it needn't come to that, surely?

We ploughed all of our savings into that place.

We've got nothing left!

Look, Neil...

the Hastings Award came with some prize-money.

We were going to give it to charity,

but perhaps...

Not that I'm suggesting for one moment that you're in need,

as it were, or a good cause.

Although, of course, you...you are.

A good cause, I mean.

What are you going to do?

Whip out a roll of tenners?

Look, Neil, I...

I could do some odd jobs for you.

Clean your windows, polish your trophies,

iron your wet suits. I'll be the Alfred to your Batman.

Neil, I really didn't mean to cause any offence, I just...

It'd just be such a pity for the boys to miss out on all of this for the...

for the sake of a BLT.

Not least for one that was past its sell-by date.

Can you take me back to shore, please?

- Neil... - Right away.

Right.

Neil! Neil, I'm really so terribly sorry!

I just assumed you knew I had to tie up before we...

could get out of the boat.

Neil!

- Been for a paddle, have we? - (THEY LAUGH)

Enough! Get back!

Get back!

- What in the name of God...? - Get back!

I'm a man with a mast and I'm not afraid to use it!

Grab it! That's my Wi-Fi!

Robert, do something!

Mate, listen, why don't we just sit down and talk about...?

- Now you...! - If you damage that mast...

You moron!

- ...there will be consequences! - This mast?

- Hey! - You vandal!

(STRAINS)

PENNY: Robert! Robert!

What are they waiting for?!

You Stoke oik!

No, no, no! Neil! Neil, don't!

No!

Don't worry, Mrs D, we will get the job done.

- There's nothing he can do to stop me. - Get him!

- That's what they said to General Custer! - He got scalped!

- Robert! - Get back!

Get out of there, you fool!

I've been taking orders my entire life.

I'm fed up of people telling me what to do.

"Hackett, see me after school."

"Neil, rearrange the confectionery."

"Dad, let Peter Crouch finish his dinner."

Well, it ends here.

I might not have a degree or a fancy job or plenty money, but I matter.

Neil, mate, think about what you're doing.

I'm sick of thinking.

It's never got me anywhere.

There comes a time in a man's life

when he has to stop running

and stand tall.

We drove 27 miles for an aubergine!

He's your dad's boss.

Area manager!

So we'll be having stuffed peppers

followed by a choice of risotto or ratatouille.

I don't want either.

You'll have what you're given.

It's important we make a good impression.

- (LAUGHTER) - (ICE-CREAM VAN MUSIC)

NEIL: Don't you dare take that photo!

I know where your mum and dad live!

Do you realise how long I've been waiting for that mast?

1 year, 11 months and 17 days.

- Oh, my heart bleeds! - I've been marooned here.

I feel like Robinson Crusoe.

Robinson Crusoe didn't have a hot tub.

No, but at least he got a tan.

It's a wonder we haven't all got rickets!

My grandmother had rickets.

She was a doddle to nutmeg.

(LAUGHTER)

Neil?

Hiya, love.

What is he doing now?!

He had an altercation with Ben Thistlethwaite.

Thistlethwaite did this to you?!

Not quite.

Thistlethwaite tried to stop him.

Do you really want to look at that monstrosity

every time you open the curtains?

Or would you rather look at this one?

You did this deliberately!

Well, I had to do something.

Nobody was taking me seriously!

- Whereas now... - I've only been gone an hour!

Did you manage to get your aubergine?

Come on, boys, inside.

Where are you going?

Wait!

- And you lot can clear off! - Fiona?

Fiona!

(ICE-CREAM VAN MUSIC)

The spooks never saw that one coming, eh?

They'll be having kittens down at GCHQ.

Yeah, look, I can't stop.

You'll never believe who I saw this afternoon.

How should I know?

Guess!

- I haven't got a clue. - Go on, have a guess!

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

It was the third or fourth time when I noticed the likeness,

so I struck up a conversation.

In fairness to him, he had a very passable Cumbrian accent,

but it was croaky, which I'm thinking is from all the cigars.

And I saw a bit of green under his duffle coat,

which must have been the fatigues!

Yeah, but...

what would Fidel Castro be doing on the number 55 bus to Bowness?

Exactly! He's hiding in plain sight, it's the oldest trick in the book.

It's like that time I saw Robert Mugabe at Homebase.

I'll have to stop you there, Lorraine, this looks like me dinner.

Sorry, you tuck in. You tuck in.

I'd come back later, but Conspiracy Theory is on the telly.

Honestly, some of the stuff they come out with! Talk about far-fetched!

It's just a pile of nonsense!

- (THUNDER RUMBLES) - Oh! Oh!

- Oh! - Thanks for the gazebo!

Why, Neil?

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

It always does.

Hmm! Hey, Nigella,

- what have you done with me wife? - You wish.

Me and Nigella? Not a chance.

If she came in my stockroom wearing nothing but an apron,

I'd still send her packing.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Why go out for burgers when you can have steak at home?

So long as you let her down gently now.

I'd hate for her feelings to get hurt.

It's rat-isotto.

It's ruddy gorgeous.

My own creation.

I was practising in case Darren shows his face.

Yeah.

Darren's not coming.

There you go, darling.

Well, you took back control.

He's fed up of being ignored.

I've got a lot of sympathy, actually.

Far too much.

We've better things to do with your prize money

than subsidise Toulouse-Lautrec.

Darling!

- Wow! - You all right, love?

Sebastian just signed off with six hearts.

- That's rather excessive, isn't it? - I know.

He must have done something wrong. He normally only puts four.

- Where would you stand on five? - You see?

This is the problem with emojis.

5,000 years ago, the Mesopotamians turned pictures into words

and with good reason - to eradicate confusion,

for clarity's sake.

The Mesopotamians didn't have smartphones.

And nothing says "I love you" like a heart.

- Unless there is six of them. - Oh...

Honestly!

- Why didn't you tell me last night? - I didn't want to spoil the weekend.

I think it's a bit late for that, love.

There'll be plenty of weekends.

Years and years of 'em.

We won't lose the lodge.

We'll do everything we talked about.

We'll cycle round Buttermere.

Visit the Pencil Museum.

We're kidding ourselves. It was a pipe dream.

We're never going to see the world's oldest pencil.

We will see the world's oldest pencil.

And the smallest.

And the longest.

They say it's over 30 foot.

It's 26 foot, actually.

It's still quite impressive.

The boys would have loved it. I feel like I've failed them.

You haven't failed anyone. They couldn't wish for a better father.

Sure about that?

Course I am.

So what if he's been in the Boat Race?

- So what if he can speak seven languages? - Can he?

Anyone can design a carbon-neutral hotel.

He might be good at what he does, but so are you.

Go News were lucky to have you.

You're worth a thousand Roberts.

You're worth a thousand Nigellas.

Oh...

Seven languages?

Well, seven or eight. I can't remember which.

Eight?

Maybe we should call the fire brigade.

He's not on fire.

Nor is he a cat up a tree.

He's a grown man who's brought all this on himself.

Now, start swinging.

- (MOTOR WHIRS) - Stop, stop, stop!

- (WHIRRING STOPS) - Let's think about this.

We could try sulphuric acid.

Acid?

Hmm...

You said we'd have a kickabout today.

Still all right for headers.

- I'm really sorry about this. - Don't worry.

I know all about embarrassing parents.

When I was at prep school, my dad won the fathers' race every single year.

- We need to do something. - I've got it.

- Go on. - We can put the mast over there.

Yes, it might work.

- Come on, lads. - NEIL: Whoa!

Whoa! You can't leave me standing here like a scarecrow.

(AS LEN GOODMAN) Seven!

Darren?

Plus the wife and two veg.

Well, four veg these days, but who's counting?

- This is Darren? - Looks like I'm short-staffed.

- This is, er, your boss? - He's no boss of mine.

How dare you show your face here!

- You invited me. - I did invite you.

And my wife has worked her fingers to the bone

to roll out the red carpet for you,

never mind cooking a thousand veggie alternatives for Linda McCartney here!

I'm not a vegetarian.

What?

I drove 27 miles for an aubergine.

Last time you came in the shop, you bought the meat-free Monday.

But today's Sunday.

- We had beef Wellington last night. - (SIGHS)

Oh, you had me fooled at first.

I saw through you soon enough.

The fake chumminess.

The flirting with the cashiers and the reps,

and that ridiculous hair! Oh, he's a bad lot, all right.

The kind of bloke who'd fire somebody via text.

Pardon?

Another faceless bureaucrat mummifying me in red tape.

Hold on a minute, Neil.

You don't get to tell me what to do any more.

- I'm captain of me own ship now. - Neil, let Darren explain himself.

- I've no idea what you're talking about. - Little Neil, go inside and get me phone.

Better be some charge left on that.

Did you or did you not send the following message?

"I can't believe what you did last week.

"Don't bother coming in on Monday."

Yes, I sent that message.

Case closed. Take the prisoner down.

I was congratulating you on last week's incredible takings.

They were the highest in the region by far.

I was giving you Monday off as a reward.

Oh, dear.

I'm so disappointed.

I thought we'd be mates, too.

I thought we had something special. A rapport.

We did. We have.

No. Things can never be the same. You've let me down.

You've let yourself down but, above all...

...you've let Keele services down.

Make sure you're in work tomorrow.

Six o'clock sharp.

Back in the car.

Hey! Hey, what's this about those girls on the till, eh?

NEIL: Darren!

Darren, wait!

(AS LEN GOODMAN) Seven!

No, you idiot! Over there!

- Come on, boys, it's lunchtime. - What are we having?

Riso-touille.

Anybody reading that text would have made the same mistake.

Wouldn't they?

If only he'd put a smiley face on it. (CHUCKLES)

(ENGINE STARTS)