All language subtitles for Heroin.Cape.Cod.USA.2015.WEBRip.XviD.MP3-XVID

There's a lot of things
to heroin

that keeps you
with it,

a lot of things
you fall in love with,

a lot of things
you get used to

and you don't want
to let go of.

It's like I just picked up
right where I left off.

It doesn't matter
where I go, where I live,

as soon as I do it
that one time,

there's no stopping me.

And not many people
seem to believe that.

They think that,
"Oh, I can get high once."

No, you can't.
Let's get real here.
You can't.

As soon as you get
that one rush, you're going.

You're chasing.
You-- you want that.

You want that
for the rest of your life.

You want that high
forever

and you will push
everybody out of the way
to get it.

You don't care.

For that one
stupid high.

Okay, Hinkley,
and what was the cross street?

I don't know if
I'm gonna be able to hit it.

Yeah, I can.

People come here
to vacation,

think it's
a wonderful place.

It's the worst place
to be at right now.

Everybody's dying
left to right.

Woman #2:
Down on the Cape,

there's really,
like, nothing to do,

like, at all.

Like, you either work
and you're normal,

or you do drugs.

Dope runs rampant

through, like, the south
shore of Massachusetts.

And before we'd even
gotten it,

we knew where to get it.

The first time I ever
popped a pill, I was 14.

And my friend
got her wisdom teeth out.

So I think
she had Percs

or Vicodin
or something like that.

And I snuck out
of my house.

I think it was
right after-- right
before I turned 15.

And I ate them.

And I remember walking
down the street

and I wanted to drag
my head down the road,

'cause it felt
so heavy.

And I didn't like it.
I just-- I remember
I didn't like it.

I've been an addict
since I was, like,
a little kid.

Like, I used to sniff
Pixy Stix on the bus,

like, to get a sugar rush,
you know,

like, drink a pot of coffee
with a friend

to get, like,
a caffeine buzz.

Or, like,
me and my friend

found a pack of cigarettes
unopened on the ground.

Like, we didn't just
smoke one.

We smoked
the whole pack.

I was 12 or 13

the first time I ever
tried smoking weed.

I had drank before then
at, like, family functions.

It was pretty
acceptable

to just have, like,
a couple sips

of, like, a Smirnoff
or a beer or something.

My best friend Bobby--
he's a DJ,

and so we would go
to parties all the time,

every single weekend
actually.

And when we went
to parties,

people would always
have drugs, and they would
always offer drugs

and say, "Hey,
take a sniff of this,"

you know, or, "Smoke this,"
or whatever, you know.

And we--
me and him--

would be like,
"No, we're high on life."

That was our motto--
"We're high on life."

So we did.
We smoked out in the woods

and then went home
and ate food

and watched movies
and fell asleep,
and it was cool.

Eighth grade
to freshman year--
smoking weed every day.

Started drinking
freshman year.

Um, the first time
I ever did an opiate
was freshman year.

Um, I first started using,

like, weed and drinking

in, like, middle school.
No big deal.

Then, like, my sophomore
year probably,

I had
a soccer injury,

so I got prescribed
the Vicodin.

The most common
prescribed painkiller

is Vicodin.

And then you have
Oxycodone,

which is just
straight Oxycodone.

You have Oxycontin,

which is extended-release
Oxycodone.

You have morphine.

Oxycodone, five milligrams,
you would use

for, you know,
post-surgery,

acute type pain.

Oxycodone, 30 milligrams,
you would use

for chronic,
severe pain,

end-of-life type
of pain.

There's severe
over-prescribing.

But, again,
I think the doctors are
in a tough spot.

The majority of doctors
are good doctors.

They want to help
their patients in pain.

You have to give the patient
the benefit of the doubt.

If they say
they're in pain,

you have to believe
that they're in pain.

Do they need
Oxycodone?

Probably not.

You go to the doctor,
and she tells you,

"Take this one pill,
but whatever you do,

don't scrape off
the coating.

Don't crush it.
Don't abuse it any way.
Just swallow it."

Who in their right mind
wouldn't be like,

"Okay, if I do this,
what's it gonna do to me?"

Like, you know what I mean?
You're gonna be curious.

I sniffed it and, like,

the response happened
in my brain.

It was like I found,

like, the love of my life,
the other missing piece,

like everything
finally made sense.

It is like

going on a roller coaster,

getting to the top,
and you start to go down.

And you're like...

Your body is just...

And you get that--
that rush.

An opiate basically
blocks pain receptors.

So you have receptors
in your body

and opiates just,
as simple as that,
block pain--

emotional and
physical pain.

And your body
will stop at nothing

until it gets more
and more and more of it.

From that day on, like,
I used every single day.

Like, I stole from whoever
I had to steal from.

You're gonna go
into your parents' room,

or whoever is
living with you,
and try and find

something to bring
to the pawn shop.

My guitars
that I used to love,

you know, my laptop,
my iPad.

So you do anything--
literally anything.

We would try to do--
us girls--

first, you know,
put these guys in some
kind of situation

where if we grabbed
their wallets or their
belongings,

they wouldn't be able
to follow us,

like, for instance,
get them naked

so they couldn't run
down the street.

I'm definitely not proud
to say it,

but I've definitely
hung out with people,

or led people on,

or let them, like,
watch me

hook up with one of my
girlfriends for money.

I was kind of scared
to rob people,

so I had to...

I had to sleep
with a few people.

Pretty much any way
to get money--

if you're addicted

and you're sick,
you're gonna do it.

It's getting more difficult
to get Oxycodone,

so it's getting
more expensive.

So now they're
moving over to heroin,

which, from what
I understand, is the same
high as Oxycodone.

So if you need to spend
$30 for one tablet

when you can get heroin
a whole lot cheaper,

that will last
a whole lot longer, why not?

It progressed really fast.

Like, a lot of people,
like, stay on pills
as long as they can

until they have, like,
this crazy habit, and then
they switch to heroin.

It wasn't--
that just wasn't
the case with me.

I just dove right in.

Like, I already knew
what I was doing.

Like, I knew that,
like, the opiate--

I knew what opiates were,
and I knew that heroin was

just like the same thing,
just cheaper and better.

I just was, like,
really enjoying it,

like, had so much fun,
and I thought I was,
like, wicked cool.

I have a brother
and two sisters,
and they're all older.

So I was like the baby
of the family.

And none of them
ever did opiates,

like, really prided
themselves for not getting
into that drug scene

and, like,
actually wanting

to further themselves
in life.

Like, when I really
realized I was bad,

was like--
it was the middle
of the summer

and I had a long-sleeve
shirt on.

And my brother looked at me
and he was like,

"Why do you have
a long-sleeve shirt on?

It's 90 out.
What are you doing?"

And, like,
I had nothing to say.

Like, I hadn't thought
of that answer, you know?

I was like,
"Oh, boy."

Like, "Um, I don't have
any sunscreen.

I don't want to get
sunburned."

He was like,
"I have sunscreen.
Take your shirt off."

My brother called
my parents, and they came
walking in my room

and they were like,
"Show me your arms
right now."

And my mom just started
crying right away.

Like, I just tried coming up
with excuses like,

"No, I was carrying
a bunch of debris
earlier at work.

It's from work.
It's from work."

And they were like,
"We're not fucking stupid."

Like, "Those are not cuts.
Those are track marks.

What are we going to do
with you?"

And, like, I was like,
"All right, all right.

"All right,
I'll go to detox.

Like, I'll go to detox.
I'll do it."

I don't know.
It's so hard

to just not, like,
obsess over using,

and I can't shake
the thought.

Like, I just always
think about it.

Every day I think
about getting high.

I have drug dreams
all the time,

wake up and being like,
"Oh my God.

Like, I was just high.
Like, did I get high
last night?"

Like, thinking, like,
"Oh, no, it was
just a dream."

Like, "Oh."
And that's hard.

Like, it's wicked hard,
'cause, like--

like, I think
that I got high

and I just like
dream about it and...

and I can't shake it.
I just can't.

For years my mother had
no idea, for years.

First time I went
to detox, I'm like,
"Ma, I'm going to detox."

"You're doing drugs?"
Mind you, I was 19.

I'm like,
"Ma, I've been shooting
heroin for two years."

"You have?"

"Where the fuck
have you been?
What do you mean?

How do you
not know?"

I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

Ha, I got you!

I got you!
I got you!

I don't know.
I just got nervous.

I'm Arianna.

I'm Arianna.
I'm 23 years old.

I'm from Falmouth,
Massachusetts.

I've been clean now
for three years

from heroin
and other opiates.

They put me
in drug counseling
when I was 16.

I went to tons
of sober houses,

treatment centers,

off Cape or on Cape--
anywhere.

And I just didn't want
any of it,

because I knew
that I wanted
to get high after.

And I would
see people clean,
and I knew it worked.

I never doubted
that, like, the program
didn't work.

You know,
I just wasn't willing.

I don't know why, like,
I could not want it.

And I kept telling them.
They're like,

"Why are you even here
if you don't want
to be clean?"

And I'm like,
"I want to want
to be clean."

Like, I've said,
"I want to want it."

You know, my parents
were up every night
worrying about me,

like, so scared
that they were
gonna lose me,

like, waiting for
a phone call like,

"Your daughter's overdosed
in the Dunkin' Donuts
bathroom,

and she's dead.
Can you come, like,
identify the body?"

You know, you don't
think about that stuff
when you're using.

You think
about the next high.

And every time
I got out of detox,
I'd go get high.

And, like, the first
couple times I picked up,

it would be that
same thing-- sitting
in the car, crying,

like, "Why the fuck
did I do this again?"

I stopped using
when I found out
I was pregnant.

Something in me,
like, had changed.

I was able
to not want to use.

Ryder, you want a snack?

Want some applesauce?

Now, like, if I get
an urge to use,

which rarely happens
at this point in my
recovery,

like, I go through,
"I don't want to lose
my children."

Like, it's not even
worth it.

I'm not gonna
get high.

There's consequences
to it, and it's not
worth it to me.

He probably needs
a diaper change.

Do you want
some applesauce?

I thought just
not being with her kids,

not having her kids
was going to be enough

to make her want
to stay clean

and be clean
and be sober and...

'Cause I knew
how much she loved them.

And then when it didn't
happen that way,

I knew it was...

I knew it was
pretty bad.

You know, they tried
the Narcan on her,

and they tried...

they tried everything,
and it just...

Just heard the police
transmit.

A possible overdose,
starting CPR.

I was always that person--
like, I was never scared

to try something.
I was never scared.

There was no fear in me.
Nothing was gonna
happen to me.

I would never die.
I'm never gonna
get sick.

I'm never
gonna get addicted.

You're on location.

326 will be there too.

The syndrome
of narcotic overdose,
if done by IV heroin,

is very, very rapid.
So, within 30 seconds,

if you take
an excessive dose,
you will stop breathing.

You will subsequently
lose your oxygen,

increase your
carbon dioxide, and you
will become comatose

and potentially start
killing off brain cells
within four to five minutes.

I'm gonna
give you his IV.

Man #2:
All right.

Dr. Cornwall:
You have a very short
window, at that point,

to be resuscitated.
But if that's not reversed
very quickly,

then you're going
to succumb.

With the heroin,
it really happens so quick,

it's almost always
'cause you stop
breathing.

There is obviously Narcan,

which can be obtained
by paramedics,

now police,
bystanders are now
having it,

where if that is injected
either through a muscle
or through a vein,

that can reverse
the effects of the narcotic
very quickly,

and then your breathing
resumes.

And hopefully, if it was
done quickly enough,

then you will wake up
and be all right.

The doctors told me to stop
a couple times,

like after the first
couple times I overdosed.

I just kept dying.

'Cause I always thought,
like, they're gonna
bring me back.

They'll bring me back.
They'll hit me
with Narcan.

I'm fine.
They'll bring me back.

The Narcan, it's kind of
a Band-Aid for the people
that overdose

in the short term,
but again, it's just
a Band-Aid.

That is just
treating a symptom.
These people are

back on the street
45 minutes later, doing
the exact same thing.

So you haven't actually
fixed the problem
whatsoever.

All the times I OD'd,
I'd get right out
of the hospital

and get high
right after.

I'd get high
in the hospital
parking lot.

I don't know why
it doesn't scare me.

I don't know why.

You just-- I guess
you just never think

it's gonna happen
to you.

In a quarter of a mile,

stay to the right
of State Highway 28.

I would do it.
It was fucking awesome.

Yeah, I'm all set,

'cause I'd rather eat acid
or take mushrooms.

You would
think that--
No, I would know so.

I've seen my friends drink
Robitussin and they were
puking red for like--

No, I didn't puke nothing.
I ate four of the pills,

dude, and I was fucking
laughing my ass off.

Did you ever shoot Ambien?
No.

Good. You shouldn't.
No, I don't shoot things.

You ate what pills?
The DXM, when we
robo-tripped.

Oh, that was so funny.
Hilarious, right?

Hilarious.
It was hilarious.

I swore I would never do it.
I'm like, if I'm
gonna relapse,

I'm just gonna
go out and do dope.
And, like, we did it

just to do it and like--
I love your accent.

It was fucking awesome.
Love your accent.

"Hilarious."
Don't make fun of it.

Do you want to know
what else I say weird?
What?

Bag-el.

You're such an asshole.
Get off this couch.

Why?
Bag-el?

B-A-G, bag--
Yeah.

--el, bag-el.
No, it's a bagel.

May-oh-naise.

I swear to God,
I say it how it's spelled.

That's how it's spelled.

Oh my God, I've never
enjoyed ice cream

more in my life
than I am right this
second.

I'm so nauseous
'cause of that ice cream,

'cause of you.
Why?

'Cause I had two
giant bowls of it,

'cause you had to buy
cookies and cream.

How did I make you
nauseous then?

'Cause you forced me
to eat that much.

So what the devil is doing
is saying,

"I'm gonna help you
feel better

for, you know,
a little while,

and make you forget
all your problems

for a little piece
of your soul."

Until at the end
your soul is gone.

It wasn't even really
that I wanted to get high
at first,

'cause, like, I didn't.
I just didn't want to care
about life,

like, if that makes sense.
Like, I just got sick
of like--

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you know
what I mean?

Like, I just got sick of,
like, everything in general.

And I just didn't want
to give a shit about,
like, anything anymore.

And, like, my quickest
solution

to not give a shit
about anything anymore
is to get high.

I don't regret anything
that's happened

in my life at all--
at all.

I wouldn't take this back
for anything.

I completely agree
with you.

There's not one thing
that I've done
that I regret.

I would change a few things,
but I wouldn't--

I wouldn't even change
a few things.

And what I went through--
it made me

a stronger person.
You know what I mean?

Granted, I still
ended up doing drugs,
but at the same time--

Do you believe
in the saying,

"What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger?"

Yeah, to an extent.

To an extent?
Explain how "to an extent."

Anytime I could
fucking sniff a line
and fucking die

'cause I don't know
how strong it is.
I get it.

But what I'm saying
the difference between
me and you is,

I'm not doing that line
in hopes that it's gonna
kill me.

Right.
You're doing these shots

in hopes that they're gonna
fucking kill you.

Honestly, like,

sometimes I think
the wrong parent died.

I should have died.
- That's bullshit.

Neither one of you
should have died.

Your daughter should not
grow up missing--

Yeah, but look at
how self-centered I am,
how much I hate myself.

Like, now I have to be
her mom and dad?

Like, she's better off
without me.

She's not better off
without you.

She's fucked without you.
She's fucked with me.

Instead of kicking yours--

No, she's fucked with you
like you are right now.

I need a cigarette.
Can someone get me
a cigarette?

Consequences-- I remember
in the beginning

when I had to,
like, mentally push
the consequences away.

Now it comes naturally.
But I used to have
to be like,

"No, I'll think
about it later.

I'll spend my rent money
on drugs, but I'll think

about how to get rent money
and hustle money later
to pay rent."

Um, which I didn't.

I did hustle money
to buy more drugs,

but, like,
the whole thing is,
it comes natural now.

If I'm gonna use,
the consequences
don't exist.

I shut that part
of my brain off.

No, addiction is not
just about drugs.

It's not.
- No.

It's like I get
addicted to food.

I get addicted
to, like, TV shows.
Oh, that too, yeah.

Oh my God, yeah.
Netflix binges.

I get addicted
to, like, habits.
You know what I mean?

Like, certain habits.
And it sounds insane,

but, like, I can't go on--
it's almost like
OCD almost.

It's like everything in my
life becomes an addiction--
addictive behavior.

Because it's one
extreme or the other.
Yeah.

Okay, I have been stealing
$200 purses,

$200 jackets,

$200, like, jewelry,
watches.

You're a klepto.
Everything I'm wearing
right now is stolen.

You're a total klepto.
I've had

my first threesome
with two girls and a guy.

I've had--
That's a foursome.

Me-- I'm a girl.
No, she means her,
another girl and a guy.

Oh.

I had my first foursome.
I've had my first--

What, this week?
Yep.

I've had my second
two guys and a girl.

I've had my first
experience

with a girl
and a second experience
with a girl.

Like, I've never done
any of these things.

Like, all in one week.
I am acting out
to the fullest.

You think you can get away
with anything, I guess.

I've never done
stuff like that.

I've never been
the type to steal.

I went into--
I went into prostitution

before I would ever steal.

I would hurt myself
before I hurt
anybody else,

which is probably
really bad, but--

pisses me off
when I go to see
my family

and they all hide
their pocketbooks.

I don't want your
fake Louis bag, bro.

Like, calm down.
I don't want that.

I have my own money, okay?
I go dance around a pole
for a couple of hours.

I get plenty of money.
Please.

We need to figure out

what we're doing today.

For what?

For what?

Yep.

What do you mean, for what?
'Cause of last night.

Yeah, one minute.
It's not about that.

It's about bruising.

Your hands are very--

the skin is very thin.

Yes.

Is it hurting?
No.

Okay.

The liquid was
on the tip of it.

It's just a reaction
that your skin does

to fight off the bacteria,
or whatever.

I don't want to associate
with anybody.

Like, I just, like, want
to be with my heroin,

with my needle
and that's it.
Like, I don't want to--

I couldn't care less
like, who I--

if I see anybody
or if I--

I couldn't care less.

The people I love most,
I avoid.

Like, anyone
with my last name,
I hurt the most.

It's just an awful,
awful--

like, and people don't
look at it as a disease,

but, like,
you know, it is.

Hell yeah!
It worked quickly.

It is going to be
a good day.

It's Saturday
in America.

Where are we going?
I'm, like, really nauseous.

Huh?

Stop and Shop?

I did drugs 'cause
they were fun

and 'cause it was a way
to connect with people.

I didn't do drugs
growing up

because I was depressed
or 'cause I was
sexually abused

or 'cause I have,
you know, issues.

Like, I might be
depressed now

because of
where my life is,

but I wasn't
a sad kid.

Today has been
the worst day.

Why?
I had a good day.

How did you have
a good day?

'Cause I'm wicked
optimistic all the time.

First the Jimmy broke down
and there was no gas in it.

So it's sitting
at Stop and Shop parking lot
right now.

And I walked home,
like, three miles.

And then when
I go to take Volvo,
there is a flat in the Volvo.

And then I pawned
my cell phone the other day,

so I don't have
a cell phone.

The day is
really hectic.

So when it becomes
nighttime,

it's nice to,
you know,

come do this,
you know?

You see the kids
that you're using with,

and you see them be
like, "Okay, I'm done.
I'm going to detox."

And then
they don't--

you know, a few of them
don't pick up

and they actually
stay clean.

Like, that's crazy.

Um...

like, what is different
about them from me?

Why are they staying clean
and I'm not?

What is...

What is in my head
that's making me go use?

Man.

Oh, man.

I miss being a kid.

Well, I guess
when I was young,

I wanted to be
a pro hockey player.

That was my dream
when I was probably
in fourth grade.

When I was
really young,

I got made fun of a lot
'cause I was Jewish

and there weren't
a lot of Jewish kids
in my school.

So that kind of--

you know,
any young kid

is gonna be
affected by that.

But I don't know.
Growing up was fun.

I had a ton
of friends,

had everything
I could ever want

and could do anything
I put my mind to.

This has to last more than,
you know, six hours.

Doing this same routine
every single day--

trying to get money,
trying to find

enough money
to get enough drugs

so that I can
sustain myself
until tomorrow.

But if you heat it up
to a point where it boils,

you're melting impurities,
which become water-soluble.

Yeah, but if you get shit,
it cuts the shit out.

And then tomorrow I wake up
and it's the same thing.

And what do they say?
It's the definition
of insanity.

Doing the same thing
over and over

and expecting different
results, right?

Tomorrow-- to wake up,

to go buy drugs,
to get high--

I don't expect anything
to be different about it.

It's always gonna be

the same
repetitive bullshit.

Do it, do it.
No.

Every single day.

I wish to God that--
you know, pray every day

that I could just
wake up one morning

and be like,
"I'm done."

And there have been times
where I thought I was,

and where
I've hit the bottom
of the barrel or--

But, you know,
there's--

your lowest low--
there's a trapdoor
below it,

and it goes lower.
There's always more.

And there's always further
that you can go down.

Hi, babe.

No, nothing.
What are you doing?

We come together as parents
and family members

coping and dealing
with our children,

our loved ones'
addiction.

We have some new members
in the group.

So we're going to start

by going around the room,
introducing ourselves.

My son had had
a dirt bike accident

when he was about 18.
He took Vicodins.

And probably

about eight or
nine months later,
he was shooting heroin.

He's been using

since the spring
of his senior year
in high school,

at the same time
that he was being accepted

at every college
he applied to.

My son was always happy.

Always.
- He had it all.

He had a whole
group of friends.
- They had the best life.

You know, Cory and Sam.
And they had a great life,
skateboarding.

Oh my God.
They were in sports--
hockey, everything.

And they threw away
everything.

My son Sean--

it was about
a year and a half ago

that I discovered
he was using heroin.

And I got him
into treatment.

He went into McLean
for a few weeks following,

detox, and things
seemed to be going okay.

And then
on July 7th,

I found him dead
of an overdose
in his bedroom.

Eight kids
on his soccer team

ended up being addicted
to heroin.

I mean,
these are kids

that, you know,
played sports,

that, you know--

students, good kids,
good families.

We were having
a family cookout

and Ryan needed
a pair of sunglasses
really bad.

And he got on a motorcycle,
went and bought
his sunglasses,

and on the way home
he was in a motorcycle
accident.

I hit the back
of her car.

My head went
through her windshield,

or her window
in the back.

I broke my bones...

This is all
where it came out.

And then there's here,

here, here...

There was about four
or five different kinds
of medication

I was taking for pain,
for--

antibiotics, so it wouldn't
get dirty.

And I don't know
when he decided

he had to get
something that wasn't
from the pharmacy

and from the doctor,
but...

that's when
everything changed.

I didn't think

that what I was really
doing with the pills

was really
like doing drugs.

But I obviously knew
I was doing something wrong.

I called up my dad
and said, "Dad,

I think
I'm a drug addict."

I probably was really
judgmental before.

You know, I thought
that it only happened

to bad kids,

dysfunctional families.

Our kids played sports.
We didn't miss anything.

We went
to all the practices,
all the games.

We had supper together
as a family.

We-- we did all those
things, you know.

Vacations.
Vacations.

Everybody has
an addiction.

Everybody has something
that they do constantly.

Mine just happens to be
heroin.

And people always think
it's just so easy.

"Just man up
and don't do it."

It's not that easy.

I just didn't
see it coming.

I mean, there was a time
when his father
gave him money

to go buy the weed,
so he can continue
to detox.

And then his father
was left stranded

at a supermarket while--
- Weed is not
gonna help.

I was just crying.
He went to get the weed
and he got heroin.

My mom, who I love dearly--
she's 91 years old--

she now refers to Jimmy
as my son.

"Your son.
How is your son?"

You mean your grandson?

Your grandson is fine.

I'm like--

If my kid had
some other disease

that was as dangerous
to him

as his addiction,

people would be bringing
casseroles, you know?

And--

but I haven't gotten
any casseroles.

I can tell
by my son's voice...

Mm-hmm.
...on the phone.

I can hear this
little edge to it.

Or I can look at him.
I can just tell,

when he turns his back,
that he's high.

I actually was driven here
by my son--

my addict son.

He-- he gave me
a note

when he dropped me off
and he said,

"Go ask people what
the word 'co-dependent'

and 'enabling' are."

I knew I played
a part in it.

You know, I was
giving him money.

I was enabling him

to not have to go to work
or, you know whatever--

like, you know,
by buying the things,
paying for his cell phone,

doing all those things,
I was giving him
the money

to go out
and use his money
for drugs.

He always had
to do everything right,
a straight arrow.

He was helpful.
He was honest, you know.

But he was heavy,
you know.

It was like
life was harsh for him.

You know, he just always--
he couldn't--

you know, he felt like
he was never going to,

you know,
be somebody great.
I don't know.

He's been in jail
a couple of times.

He's been in several
different rehabs.

He's OD'd twice.

He's on his
20th detox.

I think he's hit
every sober house
on the Cape

at least once,
some of them
three times.

You've got the bills
from the rehabs...
Right.

...the halfway houses.
Right.

Because until this
last one, I always
kept paying.

I mean, I just--

he needed a rehab--
find the money.

I think what I just did
was probably 0.2, right?

What you did?

Yeah.

Well, I think that was,
like, 0.1.

Yeah, right.
Well, this is what
I'm gonna do, right?

This is--
this is straight...

Don't want to use drugs--

don't.

I hate it.
I hate it, hate it,
hate it.

I was on the run.

And we would have the dope
delivered to my doorstep.

I'd have dudes
come in my house
with their mouths full--

these Dominican dudes.
And there would be a new one
every day,

'cause one
would go to jail,
and another one

would just pick up
right where he left off.
It was so weird.

One time
I opened my door.
There's this tall guy.

He's probably, like, 6'4",
standing in my doorway.

I'm like, "What the hell?"
Like, "Where's Flaco?"

Like, "What are you
doing here?"

Around comes
this other Dominican guy,

and his cheeks
are full of dope--
like, dope and coke.

And he just comes
in my house and goes,
"You see me now."

I'm like, "What?"

That's how it is like
doing dope.

Like, you'll call a dealer,
and you'll meet
somebody random,

like, on a bike.
Like, someone else
comes out of car.

Like, you don't even know
who the hell you're
going to see.

And when I get dope
around here,

people send, like,
random-ass people out
to sell me bags.

I'm like,
"Who the fuck are you?
Who are you?"

It's weird.

Let's see.

Getting my nails done.
Getting my hair done.

I usually go tanning,
but I haven't gone yet.

I'm so pale.

That's something I need
to pick up on.

Um, yeah,
going shopping

and then
getting high.

I was a really,
really happy kid.
My parents were great.

They were amazing.
They loved me.

Only child.

We lived in a little cottage

and things were great.

But when I was five,
they got divorced.

But it didn't really
affect me.

My mom and I, you know,
bounced around

and I was still happy.

I was-- I was
a happy kid, you know.

I didn't play any sports
or anything.

I was more into, you know,
drawing and guitar

and, you know,
creative stuff like that.

All right, babe,
let's go...

I think I was 18
when the accident happened--

17 or 18.

These are
the pictures of me

when I got hit
by that drunk driver

and I had 250 stitches
in my face.

It lacerated my face

all like up here,
around here.

I ended up having to get
med-lifted to Boston,

because Falmouth Hospital

didn't have a good enough
plastic surgeon.

And I was just

in shock, you know--

no words.

I remember getting
wheeled, you know--

wheeled down
the hospital.

And every so often
there would be

maybe like one of those
corner mirrors,
the round ones.

And I would, like,
see my reflection

and it would just be
like a monster.

And right at that point
I, like, decided

that I was not gonna
look at my face.

I really like those.

The bottom ones are good.

I'm gonna let this one
sit for a couple...

This just cuts
the unwanted tones

and blends it all
together.

Thank you, guys.
- You're welcome.

It looks great.
Glad you like it.

So they kept me
for a few days

and sent me home
with a script

of Percocets
and Dilaudids.

And I went home.

And, um...

that's when things got
really, really bad.

I couldn't look
at myself.

I couldn't
deal with myself.

I felt suicidal.
I didn't want to live
like that.

But when I did drugs,

I didn't have
low self-esteem anymore.

I felt beautiful

and I felt awesome
and I felt cool.

I just felt, like,
so serene.

And, you know, it was like
Christmas morning.

Every time I shot up,

it felt like
Christmas morning.

And I never--
Who wants to give that up?

All right.

Disrespect.

One of the times
I OD'd,

they brought me
to the hospital
in an ambulance.

And I'm laying there,
and I'm wicked paranoid

because I had, like,
three warrants.

And the cop keeps
staring at me.

So I'm telling the nurse,
I'm like,

"When am I
gonna get our here?
I need to leave here."

I had no shoes on--
nothing.

I'm like,
"I have to leave here.
Can I make a phone call?"

The lady was
so disrespectful to me.

And she said something
to me like,

"It's 'cause of
people like you
that I'm like this."

And I fucking snapped,

'cause I'm not scared
to tell you all
about yourself.

You're gonna disrespect me
in front of other people
in the middle

of the fucking hospital,
and you think I'm not gonna
say something to you?

What, 'cause I have
a drug problem?

I could be your daughter.
Don't disrespect me
like that."

I started using again.

I was living at home.

I didn't really
think about it.
I was just, like, amped.

So, yeah, I just threw
that rock in a spoon,

and then, um,
loaded up and hit it.

And, like, I know--
like, I know when
I'm gonna go out.

I get this, like,
crazy feeling.

Like, it feels
like my head is
like a matchstick.

And I mean, it feels
like it's on fire.

And, like, I get, like,
these crazy pins and needles
across my chest.

My mom was, like,
in the other room.

And I guess she,
like, heard me wheezing
or something like that.

So she came in
and was like, "Oh, fuck."

Like, "Holy shit."
And they called
the paramedics.

My brother-in-law
is a Plymouth cop.

And he just like
happened to be on duty
in the neighborhood

and was one of the first
responders to show up.

So, like, when I came to,
I was like--

like, I came to
with him, like,
in my face,

like, "Where is it?
Where's your shit?
Where is your shit?"

And I'm like,
"What are you talking about?
I'm clean. I got 30 days."

And he was like,
"Yeah, well, we just
Narcaned you three times

and you just woke up.
So where is your shit?

Like, "I know
you got high."

So they loaded me up
on a stretcher

and they're, like,
taking me outside.

And, like, when we went
through my living room,

like, my mom was
standing there like--

just like had this look
on her face

like she just saw
a ghost.

She was, like, bawling
her eyes out

and, like,
gave me this look
I'll never forget.

It was--
it was the worst.

It was like--
it just like broke
my heart.

Like, "What am I doing?"
You know what I mean?

I know that, like,
it's life or death.

And like, you know,
I don't really know.

I mean, I'm not, like,
completely ready

to be clean or sober.
You know what I mean?

And I miss
the chaos of, like--
you know what I mean--

running around
and copping dope,
selling dope.

You know what I mean?
Like hitting plays,
like robbing people

and then, like,
running from the cops
or something.

You know what I mean?
It's just like a rush.

And then my life
is so boring now.

I feel like I just like
I go to work, come home,

go to a meeting,
like, come back,
sit at my house,

play video games,
make dinner, go to bed.

You know what I mean?
It's just like--

I just-- I don't know.
It's, like, boring.

Can I get
an extra-large,

hot, French vanilla swirl

with extra cream
and extra sugar,
with a shot of caramel?

Anything else?

And a Boston cream

and a vanilla frosted.

Yep.

All right.
Well, I don't know.

I would never fucking
rob you, I swear to God.

I have no intentions
whatsoever.

I, like, do this
just so I can--

I'm just doing it
right now

so I can get enough money
to get a car.

If you're coming
to visit Cape Cod

and you're in bed
by ten o'clock,

you're not gonna see,
you know,

the guns and the knives
and stuff like that.

If you happen to be
at a gas station

and you see
somebody drive in--

like, as you're
pumping your gas,

somebody drive in
and drive off real quick--

if you don't know
what drug dealing
is all about,

then you're not gonna know
that that was a drug deal,
you know.

Second of all,
I have a prescription.

Hello?

I just have to stop

and meet up with somebody
real quick,

and then, um,

I can swing by.

What did-- exactly
what did you need?

Usually we give you,
like, a 0.7

for 100 bucks.

So, like, how does
90 bucks sound?

The drug dealers
around here are all--

it could be
your neighbor, you know.
It really could be.

I've dealt with
60-year-old ladies.

Do 80?

Well, uh...

Yo.

I don't want
to do it here though.
You know what I'm saying?

All right.
All right.

Just leave it
in the bathroom.

Leave it in the bathroom?

No, just like fucking--
I'll wait.

I'll wait
at the bathroom door
for you to come out,

and I'll just do,
like, a quick hand
real quick.

All right.

Peace.

Don't be afraid
to call me at, like--

I don't care
what time it is.

I don't care, like,
anything.

If you're down
in the dumps

and you need to talk
to somebody,

just like you can always
call me, okay?

Thank you.

Anybody can be
a drug dealer.

Girls have offered
themselves to me,

um, and--

to get drugs,
you know,

which is basically
the same thing

as prostitution,
but like...

Well, I'm in--

leaving Hyannis
right now.

Okay, where are you
heading?

Cotachesett?
Where the hell is
Cotachesett?

You know what?
I'm gonna get pizza.

Okay.

I'm gonna eat something.

I think that's why
parents are scared--

that their kids
are gonna die.

Like, and they're gonna
lose their kids

if they--
they kick them out.

But if they
kicked me out,

I'd probably be
doing a lot better
than I am today,

to be honest, you know.
And I've told them this.

I never, ever
smoke weed.

I didn't even smoke
half of it.

This stuff--

Collin said
he didn't cut it, but--

You should put that
in there right now.

It should have already been
in there.

That's way too long.
Fuck.

Why do they
have to make a drug

that makes you feel good?

Opiates don't stop
the pain.

They make you feel good

so that the pain
doesn't hurt.

It still hurts,
but you're happy
that it hurts.

Hold that and flex.

I feel like I'm still a kid.

I don't think that I--

like, I know
what I need to do,

but I'm not mature enough
to do it.

Why raise your arm?

I never do that.

'Cause it makes it go back
to your heart faster.

I've got two
different kinds.

Of what?
Xanax?

Yeah, Xanax and Klonopins.

Look at that.

I-- I regret it 100%,

but I can't
take it back.

And that's what I guess
is keeping me going,

is that
I can't take it back,
and I just keep going.

Might as well
just keep on going.

The rush wasn't
that great.

Like I was saying,
the stuff before
you guys got,

I thought,
was so much better,

like, rush-wise,
100 times better.

Oh, it was, definitely.
I guarantee you.

There isn't such a thing
as friendship.

Those people
aren't there for you.

Those people are
your running partners.

When I went
to prison,

you find out who your
real friends are.

And the only person
that wrote me

is the one
that I just buried.

You don't have
real friends.

So I'm probably gonna be
running behind about,
maybe, 15-20 minutes.

Is that okay?

Okay, but I am
on my way,

and I don't want
to miss my bed.

All right.
Thank you very much.

We have no time
to fuck around.

Like, we literally need
to, like, pull in,

get fucking--
like, I'm gonna
fucking get high.

I'm going to give you
your fucking shot,

and then I'm gonna
fucking grab my bag
and like--

Everybody gets high
before they go to detox.

That's, like, what you do.
So I don't know.

Like I said, it's kind of
just a freebie.

And, like,
I really want to,
so I'm going to.

Like, I'm stressed out
beyond fucking--

Yeah, but you're just gonna
wait 45 minutes for Riley.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

That doesn't, like, mean,
like we have extra
time, dude.

That, like, completely
fucked everything up if we
were gonna wait for Riley.

Well, if you want me to drive
without closing my eyes,
I really need coffee.

Okay.

Fuck.

Like, there's no
fucking way, dude,

I'm gonna make it
in fucking time now.

Fuck off!

You know where
the Mobil is,

Centerville lights?

You know where
the Mobil is at
Centerville lights?

You go down this street
right behind you, right?

He lives right next to it.
That's what I'm saying.

I don't have
anything else,

but I can run
down the road
and get you it.

It's, like,
a block away.

Are you shitting me?
She has to be
at detox now.

No, it will take me
30 seconds.

Like, follow me.
That's all I'm saying.

You're fucking
killing me.

You don't sniff it.
That's a waste.

We're only getting
one 40 bag.

Are you serious?
Oh, you're not gonna be
messed up at all.

Like go,
roll those across.

Good stuff?

That depends on
how fucking weak
it is, dude.

We'll find out.

Have fun at detox.
I love you.

I love you.
Okay?

Be safe.
Don't do anything stupid.

Don't fucking leave.
Mm-hmm.

Finish it.
You don't even have
a habit.

You're just
gonna sit there
and fucking party.

Mm-hmm, basically
a couple day vacation.

Stupid.
It is.

What are you doing?

Why do you look
wrecked?

What?
I'm not.

They don't care about you.

It's, like, the cold,
hard truth.

When it comes time
to getting clean,

everyone says,

"Oh, you think
you're better than me?"
That's what they say.

"Oh, you think you're
better than me now?"

I'm done.
I'm done.

I don't have
fucking time for this.

I'm not fucking
arguing with you.
I'm done.

Don't do all of it,
'cause, like, you don't
have a Narcan,

and I'm not
gonna be here.

I do have Narcan.

I'm not gonna be
responsible for your
fucking death.

All right.

I was already
in deep shit
when she came.

Yeah, Shanna, 'cause of
your actions, dude.

Like, stop trying
to blame it all on me.
Exactly.

So, you know what?
When somebody tells me,

"Don't cause any more
trouble here,

I'm not gonna cause
any more fucking
trouble here.

I had no control
over that.

Okay.

And then, when they came
running up the stairs,

I was like,
"Stop it!"

Well, good.
Then maybe you won't
relapse again.

"Well, good."
Yeah, it's a fucking
great thing--

And maybe you won't
lie to everybody--
--that my life sucks.

--and keeping using,
and make them think
you just relapsed.

Solid fucking friend, dude.
'Cause you've been using
this whole time.

Solid friend.
Yeah, I know, 'cause
we're both solid friends.

Actually, I am.
Did you take the needle
out of there?

I am.
No, I didn't.

Then, if we're not
friends anyway,

I'll tell you
how I really feel
about last night,

that you called Joey
for attention, and that
got me in trouble.

Yeah, that's exactly
why I called him--
for attention.

I know, because you know
you can handle yourself--

You nailed it
right on the fucking
head, dude.

--especially with
someone like John.

This is why I say
we're not friends--
'cause you're in there

running your
fucking mouth,
saying shit to try

and make me feel bad
about myself!
No, I'm not!

If you were my fucking
friend, you wouldn't
fucking do that.

So, like, stop,
'cause you're fucking
talking shit.

If you were a friend,
you wouldn't sit there--
There's no fucking need.

and think that
what you did was okay,
and that I might use--

I never said
it was okay!
Yeah, you think it's okay.

I never fucking
said it was okay!
I apologized for it!

And I fucking took
responsibility for it.

I don't know what else
you want me to do.

I never said
it was okay.

But you did it anyway.

Yeah, I did,
and there's nothing we can
fucking do about it.

It wasn't your fault.
Yeah, my fault.

You're the one that said
we weren't friends.

I never said that.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Nicole.
I'm sorry.

Hi, Nicole.
That's okay.
I'm Erin.

Such a mess
trying to get here.
No problem.

We need to notify the state
that is going to ask you
some questions.

Fuck, I forgot
my toothbrush.

We'll find you one.
Okay, yeah.

I knew I was
forgetting something.
That's all right.

I always forget something.
No worries.

Okay, you know your beverage
will have to go.

Oh, yeah.

All right.
All right, let's do this.

Thank you
for everything, Erin.

Take care.

The friends
that have really

successfully gotten clean,

I can count on one hand.

Most of them die.

You really have to drop
everything and everybody

and start over brand new,
in order to do it.

And it's really,
really, really hard,

because you feel
so alone,

and you're all by yourself,

just trying to better
your life.

And sometimes
you can't find a job

and you can't find people
you like to hang out with.

And you realize that
everyone is always out
drinking and having fun.

And you can't do that.
So it just--

it kind of beats you up
a little bit too.

We were all out, sick?

No, the night before that.

One, two, three,

four, five.

I'm 50 short.
- He's like, "Dude,

I'm going
through fucking PWs.
I cannot talk."

So he definitely
went to detox.

"My boy Sean lives--"

I don't know, a lot
of people fuck you over.

They do you dirty
or they steal your money

or they steal your drugs
or they just disappear

or they end up dying.

So running with Dan--

it's not
really anything new.
It's just somebody new.

"Bro."
That's good enough.

Yeah, girl.

See, I wish we were,
like, going up
to the city

and we could,
like, hang out
and do things and--

We're going to go
get tacos.

Oh, yeah, real tacos,
Dorchester.

Dude, you've been dying
for these tacos.

You should be pumped.
You have no idea.

So, I mean,

it's definitely easier
running with someone,

but you kind of get
codependent

on having
someone around.

And then when they die
or go to jail,

it's like you're
either by yourself

or you find a new
running partner.

I know
his whole family.

So, his uncles are
in this game and...

At first, I was seeing
one of the brothers,

and then-- 'cause the one
that I see now

was in jail
at the time.

And now this kid
that we're seeing

just got out of jail
six months ago,

and so did his uncle,
and they took over again,

and now
that's who I see.

And that's their
whole fa--

this is their, like,
family business.

Yo, I'll have 350

at 9:00
in the morning, dude.

Well, you said that shit
the last time, bro,

and you're always
fucking shit up.

Ask her.
I'm gonna be up here

between 9:00
and 11:00, dude.
This stuff's already gone.

Yo, bro, I need you here
before 12:00, bro.

Yeah, I got you.
All right, man.

What the fuck, man.

Love you, buddy.

Did you pull those
directions up already,

so we can get the fuck
out of here?

How much did you pay
for that?

I just paid $200.

What I owe?
350.

On top of the 200?

Yeah.

But that's easy,
'cause I go sell

four grams of this
and make 400 bucks.

That money is paid back
right there,

and I have six grams
to do whatever I want with.

Yeah, no.
You're way better off

getting a finger
instead of a half.

So I just made--

you know,
the next two days
are free for me.

I don't think I've spent
money on heroin

in quite
some time actually,
to tell you the truth.

He's calling you.

I literally just
turned it on to text.

Yo, the phone died.

What up?

She's not fucking
dope sick.

She's a fucking klepto.
She bothers me.

Dude, she tried
to walk out of Walmart

with a fucking laptop!

Like, is something
wrong with you

if you think it's okay
to steal shit like that?

Oh, that fucking girl,
dude.

"Can you come
straight here?
I'm dope sick."

Text her and be like,
"How about you get
more money,

and I'll come
straight there?"

Fuck.

Oh, my parents
are going to kill me.

They're gonna be like,
"You're a drug dealer?"

What the fuck?

Living dirty,
might as well do it.

Blue eyes--
you can always tell
who's high or not.

But still.

Crystal used to get,
like, a little bit high,

and she would look
destroyed.

I know.
My eyes always
give it away.

My eyes get so pinned,
so they always look

way bluer than they are.
Right.

I wish that I would
look that way permanently.

Your eyes are beautiful.

They're not blue enough.
I love your eyes.

Thank you though.
My favorite thing
in the world

is waking up to you
in the morning...

and getting to look
at your eyes.

Definitely.
Thank you.

You want a drink still?

You want water?
Yeah.

All right.
I'll go get it.

I got it.
Thank you.

You isolate so much

that you're alone

even if you're surrounded
by people.

And I know
I could do things

to try and fix
my life,

but, I don't know,
at times it seems,

like, hopeless
or pointless.

Nobody is gonna change
unless they want to change.

And even if I change myself,

like, I know my mom's not
gonna change,

my dad's not gonna change,
my sister is not
gonna change.

So, no matter, like,
how much work
I do on me,

our relationship
stays the same.

It's sick and it sucks,

but it's, like,
such a vicious cycle

that people just want
to give up sometimes.

And they either
give up and get clean

or they give up
and die.

I mean, I don't want to die,

but, at the same time,

I have so much shit

that I've never
dealt with

and emotions
I don't want
to deal with.

And that's why
I get high.

And that is something

that we just don't
understand.

How do you make
decisions?

You know, we're supposed
to take care of them.

We feed them.
We clothe them.

You know, we give them
a clean bed.

And we can't do that
with this disease.

As you said,
when it's your child,
it's different.

The family role,
the parent--

is the most
difficult.

Because if you are
a sibling,

or even a spouse,

or even the child
of an alcoholic
or an addict,

at the end
of the day,

even though
you love that person,

you can walk away.

But as a human parent,

we are going against

every instinctual grain
of who we are

to get our kids
healthy,

because our role
as a parent

is to take care
of our children.

And with this disease,
we can't.

We have to make some
really tough choices.

And sometimes

the outcome
is really bad.

Ugh.

Ooh, oops.

Argh!
Look, I made a mess.

So I was working
in a sleazy strip club
in Boston.

So I'm just out there
turning tricks,

just making money,
getting high.

And I was getting so high
that it didn't
even faze me.

And that was the world
I got sucked into.

I never got sucked into
the breaking-and-entering,

the home invasion,
the stealing from
my parents.

I never got into that.
I got into destroying
myself

and my self-esteem,
and losing my
self-respect

in order
to keep my habit.
But I stayed high.

I have to get clean.

I have to really do it
this time.

This shit gets harder
every fucking time.

I'm gonna be 23,

and I feel like
I'm in my 30s.

Like, I feel aged.
I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired
of the lifestyle.
I'm tired of the game.

I'm tired of fucking
calling dealers and waiting
for them to come.

I'm tired of anything.
I'm tired of getting high.

You know, all I have
is my dad,

that I have to lie to,
'cause I don't want
to hurt him

and make him worry.

Just a lot of guilt.

I'm ashamed

and I think
everybody sees my arms.

I feel like
everyone sees them
everywhere I go.

They're always looking,
or, like--

people at Dunkin' Donuts
even look.

I feel like everyone's
looking at me.

Everybody knows.

You know, I'm--

I'm a good girl.

Like, I don't know why
I do this to myself.

You just become
so lost.

And I just don't want
to feel that pain.

So that's why
I get high.

And I know
people, you know--
"That's just an excuse,"

but fuck you,
I don't want to feel it.

So we can wake up
in the morning,

the sun will be shining,
it will be warm out,

and we come down here,
jump in the water.

I know it's
extremely stressful

and it breaks
my parents' heart,

and all they want
is the best for me.

And for me
to keep screwing up

is extremely hurtful.

It's like when somebody's
mad at you,

you're like, "Oh, whatever,
you're mad at me."

But when they give you the--
"We're disappointed in you.

We thought you were
doing well"--

like, that's the most
painful thing in the world

to hear from your parents.

But, at the same time,
they don't get it.

You know what I mean?
And they never will.

So they only get
as much as

what they pull away
from these meetings.

But until you're
an addict,

you'll never
understand fully

what goes
through our heads.

Um, so today is
my 90 days.

Which-- I had
90 days before,

so it shouldn't be
that big of a deal,
but it is,

just because it's,
like I said, the most--

I don't call it
"clean time." I like to
call it "recovery time."

'Cause, like, it's the most
quality recovery time
I've ever had.

It's basically the fact
that, like, when I went
to detox this time,

I knew what I wanted.
I wanted to be clean.

I wanted
to get back to work.

I wanted to get back
to meetings

and seeing my friends
that genuinely care
about me,

that aren't gonna get
mad at me 'cause I'm not
giving them their drugs

as soon as they want them.
You know what I mean?

Which is, like,
essentially what happened
with me and Shan

in that fight.
But yeah, so I just--

I knew what to expect
and I knew that, like,
it's worth it.

It's worth
every minute of it,
100% it is.

Yeah, I have
no complaints.
You know what I mean?

Like, that alone
speaks volumes

for, like, how good
my life is right now.

If you were filming me or,
like, you talked to me,
whatever,

like, two and a half,
three years ago,

like, I would complain
about anything
in the world.

Like, I would complain,
like, that the wallpaper's
too white,

and, like,
this table's too tan,

and, like, this food's
too Chinese.

Like, doesn't matter
what it is, I'll complain
about it.

And now I don't complain
about anything.

Like, I'm literally
grateful

for, like, the white walls
and the tan table

and the Chinese food.

So, yeah, I guess
that it's hard to complain
about something

when you're too busy
being happy that
you have it,

because you went so long
without it.

So yeah.