Original subtitles

There's a lot of things to heroin

that keeps you with it,

a lot of things you fall in love with,

a lot of things you get used to

and you don't want to let go of.

It's like I just picked up right where I left off.

It doesn't matter where I go, where I live,

as soon as I do it that one time,

there's no stopping me.

And not many people seem to believe that.

They think that, "Oh, I can get high once."

No, you can't. Let's get real here. You can't.

As soon as you get that one rush, you're going.

You're chasing. You-- you want that.

You want that for the rest of your life.

You want that high forever

and you will push everybody out of the way to get it.

You don't care.

For that one stupid high.

Okay, Hinkley, and what was the cross street?

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to hit it.

Yeah, I can.

People come here to vacation,

think it's a wonderful place.

It's the worst place to be at right now.

Everybody's dying left to right.

Woman #2: Down on the Cape,

there's really, like, nothing to do,

like, at all.

Like, you either work and you're normal,

or you do drugs.

Dope runs rampant

through, like, the south shore of Massachusetts.

And before we'd even gotten it,

we knew where to get it.

The first time I ever popped a pill, I was 14.

And my friend got her wisdom teeth out.

So I think she had Percs

or Vicodin or something like that.

And I snuck out of my house.

I think it was right after-- right before I turned 15.

And I ate them.

And I remember walking down the street

and I wanted to drag my head down the road,

'cause it felt so heavy.

And I didn't like it. I just-- I remember I didn't like it.

I've been an addict since I was, like, a little kid.

Like, I used to sniff Pixy Stix on the bus,

like, to get a sugar rush, you know,

like, drink a pot of coffee with a friend

to get, like, a caffeine buzz.

Or, like, me and my friend

found a pack of cigarettes unopened on the ground.

Like, we didn't just smoke one.

We smoked the whole pack.

I was 12 or 13

the first time I ever tried smoking weed.

I had drank before then at, like, family functions.

It was pretty acceptable

to just have, like, a couple sips

of, like, a Smirnoff or a beer or something.

My best friend Bobby-- he's a DJ,

and so we would go to parties all the time,

every single weekend actually.

And when we went to parties,

people would always have drugs, and they would always offer drugs

and say, "Hey, take a sniff of this,"

you know, or, "Smoke this," or whatever, you know.

And we-- me and him--

would be like, "No, we're high on life."

That was our motto-- "We're high on life."

So we did. We smoked out in the woods

and then went home and ate food

and watched movies and fell asleep, and it was cool.

Eighth grade to freshman year-- smoking weed every day.

Started drinking freshman year.

Um, the first time I ever did an opiate was freshman year.

Um, I first started using,

like, weed and drinking

in, like, middle school. No big deal.

Then, like, my sophomore year probably,

I had a soccer injury,

so I got prescribed the Vicodin.

The most common prescribed painkiller

is Vicodin.

And then you have Oxycodone,

which is just straight Oxycodone.

You have Oxycontin,

which is extended-release Oxycodone.

You have morphine.

Oxycodone, five milligrams, you would use

for, you know, post-surgery,

acute type pain.

Oxycodone, 30 milligrams, you would use

for chronic, severe pain,

end-of-life type of pain.

There's severe over-prescribing.

But, again, I think the doctors are in a tough spot.

The majority of doctors are good doctors.

They want to help their patients in pain.

You have to give the patient the benefit of the doubt.

If they say they're in pain,

you have to believe that they're in pain.

Do they need Oxycodone?

Probably not.

You go to the doctor, and she tells you,

"Take this one pill, but whatever you do,

don't scrape off the coating.

Don't crush it. Don't abuse it any way. Just swallow it."

Who in their right mind wouldn't be like,

"Okay, if I do this, what's it gonna do to me?"

Like, you know what I mean? You're gonna be curious.

I sniffed it and, like,

the response happened in my brain.

It was like I found,

like, the love of my life, the other missing piece,

like everything finally made sense.

It is like

going on a roller coaster,

getting to the top, and you start to go down.

And you're like...

Your body is just...

And you get that-- that rush.

An opiate basically blocks pain receptors.

So you have receptors in your body

and opiates just, as simple as that, block pain--

emotional and physical pain.

And your body will stop at nothing

until it gets more and more and more of it.

From that day on, like, I used every single day.

Like, I stole from whoever I had to steal from.

You're gonna go into your parents' room,

or whoever is living with you, and try and find

something to bring to the pawn shop.

My guitars that I used to love,

you know, my laptop, my iPad.

So you do anything-- literally anything.

We would try to do-- us girls--

first, you know, put these guys in some kind of situation

where if we grabbed their wallets or their belongings,

they wouldn't be able to follow us,

like, for instance, get them naked

so they couldn't run down the street.

I'm definitely not proud to say it,

but I've definitely hung out with people,

or led people on,

or let them, like, watch me

hook up with one of my girlfriends for money.

I was kind of scared to rob people,

so I had to...

I had to sleep with a few people.

Pretty much any way to get money--

if you're addicted

and you're sick, you're gonna do it.

It's getting more difficult to get Oxycodone,

so it's getting more expensive.

So now they're moving over to heroin,

which, from what I understand, is the same high as Oxycodone.

So if you need to spend $30 for one tablet

when you can get heroin a whole lot cheaper,

that will last a whole lot longer, why not?

It progressed really fast.

Like, a lot of people, like, stay on pills as long as they can

until they have, like, this crazy habit, and then they switch to heroin.

It wasn't-- that just wasn't the case with me.

I just dove right in.

Like, I already knew what I was doing.

Like, I knew that, like, the opiate--

I knew what opiates were, and I knew that heroin was

just like the same thing, just cheaper and better.

I just was, like, really enjoying it,

like, had so much fun, and I thought I was, like, wicked cool.

I have a brother and two sisters, and they're all older.

So I was like the baby of the family.

And none of them ever did opiates,

like, really prided themselves for not getting into that drug scene

and, like, actually wanting

to further themselves in life.

Like, when I really realized I was bad,

was like-- it was the middle of the summer

and I had a long-sleeve shirt on.

And my brother looked at me and he was like,

"Why do you have a long-sleeve shirt on?

It's 90 out. What are you doing?"

And, like, I had nothing to say.

Like, I hadn't thought of that answer, you know?

I was like, "Oh, boy."

Like, "Um, I don't have any sunscreen.

I don't want to get sunburned."

He was like, "I have sunscreen. Take your shirt off."

My brother called my parents, and they came walking in my room

and they were like, "Show me your arms right now."

And my mom just started crying right away.

Like, I just tried coming up with excuses like,

"No, I was carrying a bunch of debris earlier at work.

It's from work. It's from work."

And they were like, "We're not fucking stupid."

Like, "Those are not cuts. Those are track marks.

What are we going to do with you?"

And, like, I was like, "All right, all right.

"All right, I'll go to detox.

Like, I'll go to detox. I'll do it."

I don't know. It's so hard

to just not, like, obsess over using,

and I can't shake the thought.

Like, I just always think about it.

Every day I think about getting high.

I have drug dreams all the time,

wake up and being like, "Oh my God.

Like, I was just high. Like, did I get high last night?"

Like, thinking, like, "Oh, no, it was just a dream."

Like, "Oh." And that's hard.

Like, it's wicked hard, 'cause, like--

like, I think that I got high

and I just like dream about it and...

and I can't shake it. I just can't.

For years my mother had no idea, for years.

First time I went to detox, I'm like, "Ma, I'm going to detox."

"You're doing drugs?" Mind you, I was 19.

I'm like, "Ma, I've been shooting heroin for two years."

"You have?"

"Where the fuck have you been? What do you mean?

How do you not know?"

I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

Ha, I got you!

I got you! I got you!

I don't know. I just got nervous.

I'm Arianna.

I'm Arianna. I'm 23 years old.

I'm from Falmouth, Massachusetts.

I've been clean now for three years

from heroin and other opiates.

They put me in drug counseling when I was 16.

I went to tons of sober houses,

treatment centers,

off Cape or on Cape-- anywhere.

And I just didn't want any of it,

because I knew that I wanted to get high after.

And I would see people clean, and I knew it worked.

I never doubted that, like, the program didn't work.

You know, I just wasn't willing.

I don't know why, like, I could not want it.

And I kept telling them. They're like,

"Why are you even here if you don't want to be clean?"

And I'm like, "I want to want to be clean."

Like, I've said, "I want to want it."

You know, my parents were up every night worrying about me,

like, so scared that they were gonna lose me,

like, waiting for a phone call like,

"Your daughter's overdosed in the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom,

and she's dead. Can you come, like, identify the body?"

You know, you don't think about that stuff when you're using.

You think about the next high.

And every time I got out of detox, I'd go get high.

And, like, the first couple times I picked up,

it would be that same thing-- sitting in the car, crying,

like, "Why the fuck did I do this again?"

I stopped using when I found out I was pregnant.

Something in me, like, had changed.

I was able to not want to use.

Ryder, you want a snack?

Want some applesauce?

Now, like, if I get an urge to use,

which rarely happens at this point in my recovery,

like, I go through, "I don't want to lose my children."

Like, it's not even worth it.

I'm not gonna get high.

There's consequences to it, and it's not worth it to me.

He probably needs a diaper change.

Do you want some applesauce?

I thought just not being with her kids,

not having her kids was going to be enough

to make her want to stay clean

and be clean and be sober and...

'Cause I knew how much she loved them.

And then when it didn't happen that way,

I knew it was...

I knew it was pretty bad.

You know, they tried the Narcan on her,

and they tried...

they tried everything, and it just...

Just heard the police transmit.

A possible overdose, starting CPR.

I was always that person-- like, I was never scared

to try something. I was never scared.

There was no fear in me. Nothing was gonna happen to me.

I would never die. I'm never gonna get sick.

I'm never gonna get addicted.

You're on location.

326 will be there too.

The syndrome of narcotic overdose, if done by IV heroin,

is very, very rapid. So, within 30 seconds,

if you take an excessive dose, you will stop breathing.

You will subsequently lose your oxygen,

increase your carbon dioxide, and you will become comatose

and potentially start killing off brain cells within four to five minutes.

I'm gonna give you his IV.

Man #2: All right.

Dr. Cornwall: You have a very short window, at that point,

to be resuscitated. But if that's not reversed very quickly,

then you're going to succumb.

With the heroin, it really happens so quick,

it's almost always 'cause you stop breathing.

There is obviously Narcan,

which can be obtained by paramedics,

now police, bystanders are now having it,

where if that is injected either through a muscle or through a vein,

that can reverse the effects of the narcotic very quickly,

and then your breathing resumes.

And hopefully, if it was done quickly enough,

then you will wake up and be all right.

The doctors told me to stop a couple times,

like after the first couple times I overdosed.

I just kept dying.

'Cause I always thought, like, they're gonna bring me back.

They'll bring me back. They'll hit me with Narcan.

I'm fine. They'll bring me back.

The Narcan, it's kind of a Band-Aid for the people that overdose

in the short term, but again, it's just a Band-Aid.

That is just treating a symptom. These people are

back on the street 45 minutes later, doing the exact same thing.

So you haven't actually fixed the problem whatsoever.

All the times I OD'd, I'd get right out of the hospital

and get high right after.

I'd get high in the hospital parking lot.

I don't know why it doesn't scare me.

I don't know why.

You just-- I guess you just never think

it's gonna happen to you.

In a quarter of a mile,

stay to the right of State Highway 28.

I would do it. It was fucking awesome.

Yeah, I'm all set,

'cause I'd rather eat acid or take mushrooms.

You would think that-- No, I would know so.

I've seen my friends drink Robitussin and they were puking red for like--

No, I didn't puke nothing. I ate four of the pills,

dude, and I was fucking laughing my ass off.

Did you ever shoot Ambien? No.

Good. You shouldn't. No, I don't shoot things.

You ate what pills? The DXM, when we robo-tripped.

Oh, that was so funny. Hilarious, right?

Hilarious. It was hilarious.

I swore I would never do it. I'm like, if I'm gonna relapse,

I'm just gonna go out and do dope. And, like, we did it

just to do it and like-- I love your accent.

It was fucking awesome. Love your accent.

"Hilarious." Don't make fun of it.

Do you want to know what else I say weird? What?

Bag-el.

You're such an asshole. Get off this couch.

Why? Bag-el?

B-A-G, bag-- Yeah.

--el, bag-el. No, it's a bagel.

May-oh-naise.

I swear to God, I say it how it's spelled.

That's how it's spelled.

Oh my God, I've never enjoyed ice cream

more in my life than I am right this second.

I'm so nauseous 'cause of that ice cream,

'cause of you. Why?

'Cause I had two giant bowls of it,

'cause you had to buy cookies and cream.

How did I make you nauseous then?

'Cause you forced me to eat that much.

So what the devil is doing is saying,

"I'm gonna help you feel better

for, you know, a little while,

and make you forget all your problems

for a little piece of your soul."

Until at the end your soul is gone.

It wasn't even really that I wanted to get high at first,

'cause, like, I didn't. I just didn't want to care about life,

like, if that makes sense. Like, I just got sick of like--

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean?

Like, I just got sick of, like, everything in general.

And I just didn't want to give a shit about, like, anything anymore.

And, like, my quickest solution

to not give a shit about anything anymore is to get high.

I don't regret anything that's happened

in my life at all-- at all.

I wouldn't take this back for anything.

I completely agree with you.

There's not one thing that I've done that I regret.

I would change a few things, but I wouldn't--

I wouldn't even change a few things.

And what I went through-- it made me

a stronger person. You know what I mean?

Granted, I still ended up doing drugs, but at the same time--

Do you believe in the saying,

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"

Yeah, to an extent.

To an extent? Explain how "to an extent."

Anytime I could fucking sniff a line and fucking die

'cause I don't know how strong it is. I get it.

But what I'm saying the difference between me and you is,

I'm not doing that line in hopes that it's gonna kill me.

Right. You're doing these shots

in hopes that they're gonna fucking kill you.

Honestly, like,

sometimes I think the wrong parent died.

I should have died. - That's bullshit.

Neither one of you should have died.

Your daughter should not grow up missing--

Yeah, but look at how self-centered I am, how much I hate myself.

Like, now I have to be her mom and dad?

Like, she's better off without me.

She's not better off without you.

She's fucked without you. She's fucked with me.

Instead of kicking yours--

No, she's fucked with you like you are right now.

I need a cigarette. Can someone get me a cigarette?

Consequences-- I remember in the beginning

when I had to, like, mentally push the consequences away.

Now it comes naturally. But I used to have to be like,

"No, I'll think about it later.

I'll spend my rent money on drugs, but I'll think

about how to get rent money and hustle money later to pay rent."

Um, which I didn't.

I did hustle money to buy more drugs,

but, like, the whole thing is, it comes natural now.

If I'm gonna use, the consequences don't exist.

I shut that part of my brain off.

No, addiction is not just about drugs.

It's not. - No.

It's like I get addicted to food.

I get addicted to, like, TV shows. Oh, that too, yeah.

Oh my God, yeah. Netflix binges.

I get addicted to, like, habits. You know what I mean?

Like, certain habits. And it sounds insane,

but, like, I can't go on-- it's almost like OCD almost.

It's like everything in my life becomes an addiction-- addictive behavior.

Because it's one extreme or the other. Yeah.

Okay, I have been stealing $200 purses,

$200 jackets,

$200, like, jewelry, watches.

You're a klepto. Everything I'm wearing right now is stolen.

You're a total klepto. I've had

my first threesome with two girls and a guy.

I've had-- That's a foursome.

Me-- I'm a girl. No, she means her, another girl and a guy.

Oh.

I had my first foursome. I've had my first--

What, this week? Yep.

I've had my second two guys and a girl.

I've had my first experience

with a girl and a second experience with a girl.

Like, I've never done any of these things.

Like, all in one week. I am acting out to the fullest.

You think you can get away with anything, I guess.

I've never done stuff like that.

I've never been the type to steal.

I went into-- I went into prostitution

before I would ever steal.

I would hurt myself before I hurt anybody else,

which is probably really bad, but--

pisses me off when I go to see my family

and they all hide their pocketbooks.

I don't want your fake Louis bag, bro.

Like, calm down. I don't want that.

I have my own money, okay? I go dance around a pole for a couple of hours.

I get plenty of money. Please.

We need to figure out

what we're doing today.

For what?

For what?

Yep.

What do you mean, for what? 'Cause of last night.

Yeah, one minute. It's not about that.

It's about bruising.

Your hands are very--

the skin is very thin.

Yes.

Is it hurting? No.

Okay.

The liquid was on the tip of it.

It's just a reaction that your skin does

to fight off the bacteria, or whatever.

I don't want to associate with anybody.

Like, I just, like, want to be with my heroin,

with my needle and that's it. Like, I don't want to--

I couldn't care less like, who I--

if I see anybody or if I--

I couldn't care less.

The people I love most, I avoid.

Like, anyone with my last name, I hurt the most.

It's just an awful, awful--

like, and people don't look at it as a disease,

but, like, you know, it is.

Hell yeah! It worked quickly.

It is going to be a good day.

It's Saturday in America.

Where are we going? I'm, like, really nauseous.

Huh?

Stop and Shop?

I did drugs 'cause they were fun

and 'cause it was a way to connect with people.

I didn't do drugs growing up

because I was depressed or 'cause I was sexually abused

or 'cause I have, you know, issues.

Like, I might be depressed now

because of where my life is,

but I wasn't a sad kid.

Today has been the worst day.

Why? I had a good day.

How did you have a good day?

'Cause I'm wicked optimistic all the time.

First the Jimmy broke down and there was no gas in it.

So it's sitting at Stop and Shop parking lot right now.

And I walked home, like, three miles.

And then when I go to take Volvo, there is a flat in the Volvo.

And then I pawned my cell phone the other day,

so I don't have a cell phone.

The day is really hectic.

So when it becomes nighttime,

it's nice to, you know,

come do this, you know?

You see the kids that you're using with,

and you see them be like, "Okay, I'm done. I'm going to detox."

And then they don't--

you know, a few of them don't pick up

and they actually stay clean.

Like, that's crazy.

Um...

like, what is different about them from me?

Why are they staying clean and I'm not?

What is...

What is in my head that's making me go use?

Man.

Oh, man.

I miss being a kid.

Well, I guess when I was young,

I wanted to be a pro hockey player.

That was my dream when I was probably in fourth grade.

When I was really young,

I got made fun of a lot 'cause I was Jewish

and there weren't a lot of Jewish kids in my school.

So that kind of--

you know, any young kid

is gonna be affected by that.

But I don't know. Growing up was fun.

I had a ton of friends,

had everything I could ever want

and could do anything I put my mind to.

This has to last more than, you know, six hours.

Doing this same routine every single day--

trying to get money, trying to find

enough money to get enough drugs

so that I can sustain myself until tomorrow.

But if you heat it up to a point where it boils,

you're melting impurities, which become water-soluble.

Yeah, but if you get shit, it cuts the shit out.

And then tomorrow I wake up and it's the same thing.

And what do they say? It's the definition of insanity.

Doing the same thing over and over

and expecting different results, right?

Tomorrow-- to wake up,

to go buy drugs, to get high--

I don't expect anything to be different about it.

It's always gonna be

the same repetitive bullshit.

Do it, do it. No.

Every single day.

I wish to God that-- you know, pray every day

that I could just wake up one morning

and be like, "I'm done."

And there have been times where I thought I was,

and where I've hit the bottom of the barrel or--

But, you know, there's--

your lowest low-- there's a trapdoor below it,

and it goes lower. There's always more.

And there's always further that you can go down.

Hi, babe.

No, nothing. What are you doing?

We come together as parents and family members

coping and dealing with our children,

our loved ones' addiction.

We have some new members in the group.

So we're going to start

by going around the room, introducing ourselves.

My son had had a dirt bike accident

when he was about 18. He took Vicodins.

And probably

about eight or nine months later, he was shooting heroin.

He's been using

since the spring of his senior year in high school,

at the same time that he was being accepted

at every college he applied to.

My son was always happy.

Always. - He had it all.

He had a whole group of friends. - They had the best life.

You know, Cory and Sam. And they had a great life, skateboarding.

Oh my God. They were in sports-- hockey, everything.

And they threw away everything.

My son Sean--

it was about a year and a half ago

that I discovered he was using heroin.

And I got him into treatment.

He went into McLean for a few weeks following,

detox, and things seemed to be going okay.

And then on July 7th,

I found him dead of an overdose in his bedroom.

Eight kids on his soccer team

ended up being addicted to heroin.

I mean, these are kids

that, you know, played sports,

that, you know--

students, good kids, good families.

We were having a family cookout

and Ryan needed a pair of sunglasses really bad.

And he got on a motorcycle, went and bought his sunglasses,

and on the way home he was in a motorcycle accident.

I hit the back of her car.

My head went through her windshield,

or her window in the back.

I broke my bones...

This is all where it came out.

And then there's here,

here, here...

There was about four or five different kinds of medication

I was taking for pain, for--

antibiotics, so it wouldn't get dirty.

And I don't know when he decided

he had to get something that wasn't from the pharmacy

and from the doctor, but...

that's when everything changed.

I didn't think

that what I was really doing with the pills

was really like doing drugs.

But I obviously knew I was doing something wrong.

I called up my dad and said, "Dad,

I think I'm a drug addict."

I probably was really judgmental before.

You know, I thought that it only happened

to bad kids,

dysfunctional families.

Our kids played sports. We didn't miss anything.

We went to all the practices, all the games.

We had supper together as a family.

We-- we did all those things, you know.

Vacations. Vacations.

Everybody has an addiction.

Everybody has something that they do constantly.

Mine just happens to be heroin.

And people always think it's just so easy.

"Just man up and don't do it."

It's not that easy.

I just didn't see it coming.

I mean, there was a time when his father gave him money

to go buy the weed, so he can continue to detox.

And then his father was left stranded

at a supermarket while-- - Weed is not gonna help.

I was just crying. He went to get the weed and he got heroin.

My mom, who I love dearly-- she's 91 years old--

she now refers to Jimmy as my son.

"Your son. How is your son?"

You mean your grandson?

Your grandson is fine.

I'm like--

If my kid had some other disease

that was as dangerous to him

as his addiction,

people would be bringing casseroles, you know?

And--

but I haven't gotten any casseroles.

I can tell by my son's voice...

Mm-hmm. ...on the phone.

I can hear this little edge to it.

Or I can look at him. I can just tell,

when he turns his back, that he's high.

I actually was driven here by my son--

my addict son.

He-- he gave me a note

when he dropped me off and he said,

"Go ask people what the word 'co-dependent'

and 'enabling' are."

I knew I played a part in it.

You know, I was giving him money.

I was enabling him

to not have to go to work or, you know whatever--

like, you know, by buying the things, paying for his cell phone,

doing all those things, I was giving him the money

to go out and use his money for drugs.

He always had to do everything right, a straight arrow.

He was helpful. He was honest, you know.

But he was heavy, you know.

It was like life was harsh for him.

You know, he just always-- he couldn't--

you know, he felt like he was never going to,

you know, be somebody great. I don't know.

He's been in jail a couple of times.

He's been in several different rehabs.

He's OD'd twice.

He's on his 20th detox.

I think he's hit every sober house on the Cape

at least once, some of them three times.

You've got the bills from the rehabs... Right.

...the halfway houses. Right.

Because until this last one, I always kept paying.

I mean, I just--

he needed a rehab-- find the money.

I think what I just did was probably 0.2, right?

What you did?

Yeah.

Well, I think that was, like, 0.1.

Yeah, right. Well, this is what I'm gonna do, right?

This is-- this is straight...

Don't want to use drugs--

don't.

I hate it. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I was on the run.

And we would have the dope delivered to my doorstep.

I'd have dudes come in my house with their mouths full--

these Dominican dudes. And there would be a new one every day,

'cause one would go to jail, and another one

would just pick up right where he left off. It was so weird.

One time I opened my door. There's this tall guy.

He's probably, like, 6'4", standing in my doorway.

I'm like, "What the hell?" Like, "Where's Flaco?"

Like, "What are you doing here?"

Around comes this other Dominican guy,

and his cheeks are full of dope-- like, dope and coke.

And he just comes in my house and goes, "You see me now."

I'm like, "What?"

That's how it is like doing dope.

Like, you'll call a dealer, and you'll meet somebody random,

like, on a bike. Like, someone else comes out of car.

Like, you don't even know who the hell you're going to see.

And when I get dope around here,

people send, like, random-ass people out to sell me bags.

I'm like, "Who the fuck are you? Who are you?"

It's weird.

Let's see.

Getting my nails done. Getting my hair done.

I usually go tanning, but I haven't gone yet.

I'm so pale.

That's something I need to pick up on.

Um, yeah, going shopping

and then getting high.

I was a really, really happy kid. My parents were great.

They were amazing. They loved me.

Only child.

We lived in a little cottage

and things were great.

But when I was five, they got divorced.

But it didn't really affect me.

My mom and I, you know, bounced around

and I was still happy.

I was-- I was a happy kid, you know.

I didn't play any sports or anything.

I was more into, you know, drawing and guitar

and, you know, creative stuff like that.

All right, babe, let's go...

I think I was 18 when the accident happened--

17 or 18.

These are the pictures of me

when I got hit by that drunk driver

and I had 250 stitches in my face.

It lacerated my face

all like up here, around here.

I ended up having to get med-lifted to Boston,

because Falmouth Hospital

didn't have a good enough plastic surgeon.

And I was just

in shock, you know--

no words.

I remember getting wheeled, you know--

wheeled down the hospital.

And every so often there would be

maybe like one of those corner mirrors, the round ones.

And I would, like, see my reflection

and it would just be like a monster.

And right at that point I, like, decided

that I was not gonna look at my face.

I really like those.

The bottom ones are good.

I'm gonna let this one sit for a couple...

This just cuts the unwanted tones

and blends it all together.

Thank you, guys. - You're welcome.

It looks great. Glad you like it.

So they kept me for a few days

and sent me home with a script

of Percocets and Dilaudids.

And I went home.

And, um...

that's when things got really, really bad.

I couldn't look at myself.

I couldn't deal with myself.

I felt suicidal. I didn't want to live like that.

But when I did drugs,

I didn't have low self-esteem anymore.

I felt beautiful

and I felt awesome and I felt cool.

I just felt, like, so serene.

And, you know, it was like Christmas morning.

Every time I shot up,

it felt like Christmas morning.

And I never-- Who wants to give that up?

All right.

Disrespect.

One of the times I OD'd,

they brought me to the hospital in an ambulance.

And I'm laying there, and I'm wicked paranoid

because I had, like, three warrants.

And the cop keeps staring at me.

So I'm telling the nurse, I'm like,

"When am I gonna get our here? I need to leave here."

I had no shoes on-- nothing.

I'm like, "I have to leave here. Can I make a phone call?"

The lady was so disrespectful to me.

And she said something to me like,

"It's 'cause of people like you that I'm like this."

And I fucking snapped,

'cause I'm not scared to tell you all about yourself.

You're gonna disrespect me in front of other people in the middle

of the fucking hospital, and you think I'm not gonna say something to you?

What, 'cause I have a drug problem?

I could be your daughter. Don't disrespect me like that."

I started using again.

I was living at home.

I didn't really think about it. I was just, like, amped.

So, yeah, I just threw that rock in a spoon,

and then, um, loaded up and hit it.

And, like, I know-- like, I know when I'm gonna go out.

I get this, like, crazy feeling.

Like, it feels like my head is like a matchstick.

And I mean, it feels like it's on fire.

And, like, I get, like, these crazy pins and needles across my chest.

My mom was, like, in the other room.

And I guess she, like, heard me wheezing or something like that.

So she came in and was like, "Oh, fuck."

Like, "Holy shit." And they called the paramedics.

My brother-in-law is a Plymouth cop.

And he just like happened to be on duty in the neighborhood

and was one of the first responders to show up.

So, like, when I came to, I was like--

like, I came to with him, like, in my face,

like, "Where is it? Where's your shit? Where is your shit?"

And I'm like, "What are you talking about? I'm clean. I got 30 days."

And he was like, "Yeah, well, we just Narcaned you three times

and you just woke up. So where is your shit?

Like, "I know you got high."

So they loaded me up on a stretcher

and they're, like, taking me outside.

And, like, when we went through my living room,

like, my mom was standing there like--

just like had this look on her face

like she just saw a ghost.

She was, like, bawling her eyes out

and, like, gave me this look I'll never forget.

It was-- it was the worst.

It was like-- it just like broke my heart.

Like, "What am I doing?" You know what I mean?

I know that, like, it's life or death.

And like, you know, I don't really know.

I mean, I'm not, like, completely ready

to be clean or sober. You know what I mean?

And I miss the chaos of, like-- you know what I mean--

running around and copping dope, selling dope.

You know what I mean? Like hitting plays, like robbing people

and then, like, running from the cops or something.

You know what I mean? It's just like a rush.

And then my life is so boring now.

I feel like I just like I go to work, come home,

go to a meeting, like, come back, sit at my house,

play video games, make dinner, go to bed.

You know what I mean? It's just like--

I just-- I don't know. It's, like, boring.

Can I get an extra-large,

hot, French vanilla swirl

with extra cream and extra sugar, with a shot of caramel?

Anything else?

And a Boston cream

and a vanilla frosted.

Yep.

All right. Well, I don't know.

I would never fucking rob you, I swear to God.

I have no intentions whatsoever.

I, like, do this just so I can--

I'm just doing it right now

so I can get enough money to get a car.

If you're coming to visit Cape Cod

and you're in bed by ten o'clock,

you're not gonna see, you know,

the guns and the knives and stuff like that.

If you happen to be at a gas station

and you see somebody drive in--

like, as you're pumping your gas,

somebody drive in and drive off real quick--

if you don't know what drug dealing is all about,

then you're not gonna know that that was a drug deal, you know.

Second of all, I have a prescription.

Hello?

I just have to stop

and meet up with somebody real quick,

and then, um,

I can swing by.

What did-- exactly what did you need?

Usually we give you, like, a 0.7

for 100 bucks.

So, like, how does 90 bucks sound?

The drug dealers around here are all--

it could be your neighbor, you know. It really could be.

I've dealt with 60-year-old ladies.

Do 80?

Well, uh...

Yo.

I don't want to do it here though. You know what I'm saying?

All right. All right.

Just leave it in the bathroom.

Leave it in the bathroom?

No, just like fucking-- I'll wait.

I'll wait at the bathroom door for you to come out,

and I'll just do, like, a quick hand real quick.

All right.

Peace.

Don't be afraid to call me at, like--

I don't care what time it is.

I don't care, like, anything.

If you're down in the dumps

and you need to talk to somebody,

just like you can always call me, okay?

Thank you.

Anybody can be a drug dealer.

Girls have offered themselves to me,

um, and--

to get drugs, you know,

which is basically the same thing

as prostitution, but like...

Well, I'm in--

leaving Hyannis right now.

Okay, where are you heading?

Cotachesett? Where the hell is Cotachesett?

You know what? I'm gonna get pizza.

Okay.

I'm gonna eat something.

I think that's why parents are scared--

that their kids are gonna die.

Like, and they're gonna lose their kids

if they-- they kick them out.

But if they kicked me out,

I'd probably be doing a lot better than I am today,

to be honest, you know. And I've told them this.

I never, ever smoke weed.

I didn't even smoke half of it.

This stuff--

Collin said he didn't cut it, but--

You should put that in there right now.

It should have already been in there.

That's way too long. Fuck.

Why do they have to make a drug

that makes you feel good?

Opiates don't stop the pain.

They make you feel good

so that the pain doesn't hurt.

It still hurts, but you're happy that it hurts.

Hold that and flex.

I feel like I'm still a kid.

I don't think that I--

like, I know what I need to do,

but I'm not mature enough to do it.

Why raise your arm?

I never do that.

'Cause it makes it go back to your heart faster.

I've got two different kinds.

Of what? Xanax?

Yeah, Xanax and Klonopins.

Look at that.

I-- I regret it 100%,

but I can't take it back.

And that's what I guess is keeping me going,

is that I can't take it back, and I just keep going.

Might as well just keep on going.

The rush wasn't that great.

Like I was saying, the stuff before you guys got,

I thought, was so much better,

like, rush-wise, 100 times better.

Oh, it was, definitely. I guarantee you.

There isn't such a thing as friendship.

Those people aren't there for you.

Those people are your running partners.

When I went to prison,

you find out who your real friends are.

And the only person that wrote me

is the one that I just buried.

You don't have real friends.

So I'm probably gonna be running behind about, maybe, 15-20 minutes.

Is that okay?

Okay, but I am on my way,

and I don't want to miss my bed.

All right. Thank you very much.

We have no time to fuck around.

Like, we literally need to, like, pull in,

get fucking-- like, I'm gonna fucking get high.

I'm going to give you your fucking shot,

and then I'm gonna fucking grab my bag and like--

Everybody gets high before they go to detox.

That's, like, what you do. So I don't know.

Like I said, it's kind of just a freebie.

And, like, I really want to, so I'm going to.

Like, I'm stressed out beyond fucking--

Yeah, but you're just gonna wait 45 minutes for Riley.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

That doesn't, like, mean, like we have extra time, dude.

That, like, completely fucked everything up if we were gonna wait for Riley.

Well, if you want me to drive without closing my eyes, I really need coffee.

Okay.

Fuck.

Like, there's no fucking way, dude,

I'm gonna make it in fucking time now.

Fuck off!

You know where the Mobil is,

Centerville lights?

You know where the Mobil is at Centerville lights?

You go down this street right behind you, right?

He lives right next to it. That's what I'm saying.

I don't have anything else,

but I can run down the road and get you it.

It's, like, a block away.

Are you shitting me? She has to be at detox now.

No, it will take me 30 seconds.

Like, follow me. That's all I'm saying.

You're fucking killing me.

You don't sniff it. That's a waste.

We're only getting one 40 bag.

Are you serious? Oh, you're not gonna be messed up at all.

Like go, roll those across.

Good stuff?

That depends on how fucking weak it is, dude.

We'll find out.

Have fun at detox. I love you.

I love you. Okay?

Be safe. Don't do anything stupid.

Don't fucking leave. Mm-hmm.

Finish it. You don't even have a habit.

You're just gonna sit there and fucking party.

Mm-hmm, basically a couple day vacation.

Stupid. It is.

What are you doing?

Why do you look wrecked?

What? I'm not.

They don't care about you.

It's, like, the cold, hard truth.

When it comes time to getting clean,

everyone says,

"Oh, you think you're better than me?" That's what they say.

"Oh, you think you're better than me now?"

I'm done. I'm done.

I don't have fucking time for this.

I'm not fucking arguing with you. I'm done.

Don't do all of it, 'cause, like, you don't have a Narcan,

and I'm not gonna be here.

I do have Narcan.

I'm not gonna be responsible for your fucking death.

All right.

I was already in deep shit when she came.

Yeah, Shanna, 'cause of your actions, dude.

Like, stop trying to blame it all on me. Exactly.

So, you know what? When somebody tells me,

"Don't cause any more trouble here,

I'm not gonna cause any more fucking trouble here.

I had no control over that.

Okay.

And then, when they came running up the stairs,

I was like, "Stop it!"

Well, good. Then maybe you won't relapse again.

"Well, good." Yeah, it's a fucking great thing--

And maybe you won't lie to everybody-- --that my life sucks.

--and keeping using, and make them think you just relapsed.

Solid fucking friend, dude. 'Cause you've been using this whole time.

Solid friend. Yeah, I know, 'cause we're both solid friends.

Actually, I am. Did you take the needle out of there?

I am. No, I didn't.

Then, if we're not friends anyway,

I'll tell you how I really feel about last night,

that you called Joey for attention, and that got me in trouble.

Yeah, that's exactly why I called him-- for attention.

I know, because you know you can handle yourself--

You nailed it right on the fucking head, dude.

--especially with someone like John.

This is why I say we're not friends-- 'cause you're in there

running your fucking mouth, saying shit to try

and make me feel bad about myself! No, I'm not!

If you were my fucking friend, you wouldn't fucking do that.

So, like, stop, 'cause you're fucking talking shit.

If you were a friend, you wouldn't sit there-- There's no fucking need.

and think that what you did was okay, and that I might use--

I never said it was okay! Yeah, you think it's okay.

I never fucking said it was okay! I apologized for it!

And I fucking took responsibility for it.

I don't know what else you want me to do.

I never said it was okay.

But you did it anyway.

Yeah, I did, and there's nothing we can fucking do about it.

It wasn't your fault. Yeah, my fault.

You're the one that said we weren't friends.

I never said that.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Nicole. I'm sorry.

Hi, Nicole. That's okay. I'm Erin.

Such a mess trying to get here. No problem.

We need to notify the state that is going to ask you some questions.

Fuck, I forgot my toothbrush.

We'll find you one. Okay, yeah.

I knew I was forgetting something. That's all right.

I always forget something. No worries.

Okay, you know your beverage will have to go.

Oh, yeah.

All right. All right, let's do this.

Thank you for everything, Erin.

Take care.

The friends that have really

successfully gotten clean,

I can count on one hand.

Most of them die.

You really have to drop everything and everybody

and start over brand new, in order to do it.

And it's really, really, really hard,

because you feel so alone,

and you're all by yourself,

just trying to better your life.

And sometimes you can't find a job

and you can't find people you like to hang out with.

And you realize that everyone is always out drinking and having fun.

And you can't do that. So it just--

it kind of beats you up a little bit too.

We were all out, sick?

No, the night before that.

One, two, three,

four, five.

I'm 50 short. - He's like, "Dude,

I'm going through fucking PWs. I cannot talk."

So he definitely went to detox.

"My boy Sean lives--"

I don't know, a lot of people fuck you over.

They do you dirty or they steal your money

or they steal your drugs or they just disappear

or they end up dying.

So running with Dan--

it's not really anything new. It's just somebody new.

"Bro." That's good enough.

Yeah, girl.

See, I wish we were, like, going up to the city

and we could, like, hang out and do things and--

We're going to go get tacos.

Oh, yeah, real tacos, Dorchester.

Dude, you've been dying for these tacos.

You should be pumped. You have no idea.

So, I mean,

it's definitely easier running with someone,

but you kind of get codependent

on having someone around.

And then when they die or go to jail,

it's like you're either by yourself

or you find a new running partner.

I know his whole family.

So, his uncles are in this game and...

At first, I was seeing one of the brothers,

and then-- 'cause the one that I see now

was in jail at the time.

And now this kid that we're seeing

just got out of jail six months ago,

and so did his uncle, and they took over again,

and now that's who I see.

And that's their whole fa--

this is their, like, family business.

Yo, I'll have 350

at 9:00 in the morning, dude.

Well, you said that shit the last time, bro,

and you're always fucking shit up.

Ask her. I'm gonna be up here

between 9:00 and 11:00, dude. This stuff's already gone.

Yo, bro, I need you here before 12:00, bro.

Yeah, I got you. All right, man.

What the fuck, man.

Love you, buddy.

Did you pull those directions up already,

so we can get the fuck out of here?

How much did you pay for that?

I just paid $200.

What I owe? 350.

On top of the 200?

Yeah.

But that's easy, 'cause I go sell

four grams of this and make 400 bucks.

That money is paid back right there,

and I have six grams to do whatever I want with.

Yeah, no. You're way better off

getting a finger instead of a half.

So I just made--

you know, the next two days are free for me.

I don't think I've spent money on heroin

in quite some time actually, to tell you the truth.

He's calling you.

I literally just turned it on to text.

Yo, the phone died.

What up?

She's not fucking dope sick.

She's a fucking klepto. She bothers me.

Dude, she tried to walk out of Walmart

with a fucking laptop!

Like, is something wrong with you

if you think it's okay to steal shit like that?

Oh, that fucking girl, dude.

"Can you come straight here? I'm dope sick."

Text her and be like, "How about you get more money,

and I'll come straight there?"

Fuck.

Oh, my parents are going to kill me.

They're gonna be like, "You're a drug dealer?"

What the fuck?

Living dirty, might as well do it.

Blue eyes-- you can always tell who's high or not.

But still.

Crystal used to get, like, a little bit high,

and she would look destroyed.

I know. My eyes always give it away.

My eyes get so pinned, so they always look

way bluer than they are. Right.

I wish that I would look that way permanently.

Your eyes are beautiful.

They're not blue enough. I love your eyes.

Thank you though. My favorite thing in the world

is waking up to you in the morning...

and getting to look at your eyes.

Definitely. Thank you.

You want a drink still?

You want water? Yeah.

All right. I'll go get it.

I got it. Thank you.

You isolate so much

that you're alone

even if you're surrounded by people.

And I know I could do things

to try and fix my life,

but, I don't know, at times it seems,

like, hopeless or pointless.

Nobody is gonna change unless they want to change.

And even if I change myself,

like, I know my mom's not gonna change,

my dad's not gonna change, my sister is not gonna change.

So, no matter, like, how much work I do on me,

our relationship stays the same.

It's sick and it sucks,

but it's, like, such a vicious cycle

that people just want to give up sometimes.

And they either give up and get clean

or they give up and die.

I mean, I don't want to die,

but, at the same time,

I have so much shit

that I've never dealt with

and emotions I don't want to deal with.

And that's why I get high.

And that is something

that we just don't understand.

How do you make decisions?

You know, we're supposed to take care of them.

We feed them. We clothe them.

You know, we give them a clean bed.

And we can't do that with this disease.

As you said, when it's your child, it's different.

The family role, the parent--

is the most difficult.

Because if you are a sibling,

or even a spouse,

or even the child of an alcoholic or an addict,

at the end of the day,

even though you love that person,

you can walk away.

But as a human parent,

we are going against

every instinctual grain of who we are

to get our kids healthy,

because our role as a parent

is to take care of our children.

And with this disease, we can't.

We have to make some really tough choices.

And sometimes

the outcome is really bad.

Ugh.

Ooh, oops.

Argh! Look, I made a mess.

So I was working in a sleazy strip club in Boston.

So I'm just out there turning tricks,

just making money, getting high.

And I was getting so high that it didn't even faze me.

And that was the world I got sucked into.

I never got sucked into the breaking-and-entering,

the home invasion, the stealing from my parents.

I never got into that. I got into destroying myself

and my self-esteem, and losing my self-respect

in order to keep my habit. But I stayed high.

I have to get clean.

I have to really do it this time.

This shit gets harder every fucking time.

I'm gonna be 23,

and I feel like I'm in my 30s.

Like, I feel aged. I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of the lifestyle. I'm tired of the game.

I'm tired of fucking calling dealers and waiting for them to come.

I'm tired of anything. I'm tired of getting high.

You know, all I have is my dad,

that I have to lie to, 'cause I don't want to hurt him

and make him worry.

Just a lot of guilt.

I'm ashamed

and I think everybody sees my arms.

I feel like everyone sees them everywhere I go.

They're always looking, or, like--

people at Dunkin' Donuts even look.

I feel like everyone's looking at me.

Everybody knows.

You know, I'm--

I'm a good girl.

Like, I don't know why I do this to myself.

You just become so lost.

And I just don't want to feel that pain.

So that's why I get high.

And I know people, you know-- "That's just an excuse,"

but fuck you, I don't want to feel it.

So we can wake up in the morning,

the sun will be shining, it will be warm out,

and we come down here, jump in the water.

I know it's extremely stressful

and it breaks my parents' heart,

and all they want is the best for me.

And for me to keep screwing up

is extremely hurtful.

It's like when somebody's mad at you,

you're like, "Oh, whatever, you're mad at me."

But when they give you the-- "We're disappointed in you.

We thought you were doing well"--

like, that's the most painful thing in the world

to hear from your parents.

But, at the same time, they don't get it.

You know what I mean? And they never will.

So they only get as much as

what they pull away from these meetings.

But until you're an addict,

you'll never understand fully

what goes through our heads.

Um, so today is my 90 days.

Which-- I had 90 days before,

so it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is,

just because it's, like I said, the most--

I don't call it "clean time." I like to call it "recovery time."

'Cause, like, it's the most quality recovery time I've ever had.

It's basically the fact that, like, when I went to detox this time,

I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be clean.

I wanted to get back to work.

I wanted to get back to meetings

and seeing my friends that genuinely care about me,

that aren't gonna get mad at me 'cause I'm not giving them their drugs

as soon as they want them. You know what I mean?

Which is, like, essentially what happened with me and Shan

in that fight. But yeah, so I just--

I knew what to expect and I knew that, like, it's worth it.

It's worth every minute of it, 100% it is.

Yeah, I have no complaints. You know what I mean?

Like, that alone speaks volumes

for, like, how good my life is right now.

If you were filming me or, like, you talked to me, whatever,

like, two and a half, three years ago,

like, I would complain about anything in the world.

Like, I would complain, like, that the wallpaper's too white,

and, like, this table's too tan,

and, like, this food's too Chinese.

Like, doesn't matter what it is, I'll complain about it.

And now I don't complain about anything.

Like, I'm literally grateful

for, like, the white walls and the tan table

and the Chinese food.

So, yeah, I guess that it's hard to complain about something

when you're too busy being happy that you have it,

because you went so long without it.

So yeah.