All language subtitles for Gigi.Does.It.S01E01_English

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN CLEARING THROAT]

- So, uh.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- So, uh--

Mrs. Rotblum, your late
husband was a very frugal man.

Ah.

And he was able to maintain
his personal financial holdings

for almost 50 years, which is
very impressive considering

taxes and normal life expenses.

Well, we didn't
live a normal life.

The man reused toast.

He--

Ah.

--he wore a ring around
his penis to save sperm.

I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

I don't mince words.

Never have and never will.

I understand.

Uh, your husband had various
unattended financial holdings

apparently, he was too--

[INHALES] sparing to
hire an accountant

to manage his portfolios.
- Psh!

For example, his
investment in toilet paper

is currently worth $12.34, which
actually represents a gain.

And you've never seen
a more delicate asshole.

And that's typical of
his investment returns,

except for one
notable exception.

In 1964, he invested
$50 in a company

that provides food to zoos.

- Zoo food.
- Zoo food--

- For the animals.
- That's correct.

He loved animals.

Well that's probably
why he invested.

You know, they feed
monkey meat to elephants.

Didn't know that.

Yeah, well, and then when they
take them behind the scenes,

you know, into the cages?

Mhm, yes.

And they take
the little ones--

um, what are they called?

The tamarin monkeys,
lion tamarins--

Mhm.

--and they crack 'em, and
they put 'em in a bushel.

Hundreds of them at a time, and
the elephants just suck 'em up.

Fascinating.

Well, circle of life--

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so forth.

Mrs. Rotblum, your
late husband's

investment in this
company is currently

valued at $6.2 million.

Since your husband was
too frugal to hire someone

to draft a last
will and testament,

Florida law dictates that his
entire estate be turned over

to the name of next of kin.

Next-of-kin, is
that a Chinese name?

No, that's you
this Mrs. Rotblum.

I'm Chinese?

No, Gigi, you're next of kin.

Which means your estate
is now worth $6.2 million.

You're a multimillionaire,
Mrs. Rotblum.

Congratulations.

Can I get you water or anything?

I could use a wipe.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

GIGI: $6.2 million.

Let me tell you, I am in
a stunned state of shock,

and my bloat is acting up on
me for the first time in hours.

I haven't been
alone in 40 years.

I miss my Harold, he
used to pumice my feet!

And identify the difference
between Asian peoples for me.

And look, some people
like watching birds.

My Harold, he liked
watching Asians.

Anyway, what's a
76-year-old woman

to do all alone in the
world w-with $6.2 million?

Just wait for death
to take me away

and turn my once-nubile
body into a cruise

ship for maggots and vermin?

I can feel my blood
sugar dropping.

OK.

Gertrude Gettelstein
Rotblum, you gather yourself,

and you come up with a plan.

I'm scared.
I'm alone.

I need help.

I need to hire a
personal assistant.

Hello.
Is it Gigi?

GIGI (VOICEOVER):
Someone who would allow

him- or herself to be
bossed around by a short Jew

from Canarsie.

My name is Joseph.

- Nice to meet you, I'm Jessica.
- Ricky

- Ricky?
- Yeah.

- How ya doing, Ricky?
- I'm very well.

My name is Gigi.

[GIGGLES] Very
good to meet you.

Oh, you're very
happy to be here.

- Um, y-yeah, this is lovely.
- I love what you're wearing.

- Ah, thank you.
- Please, sit.

And I'm guessing
you've been on safari.

[LAUGHS] No, uh, no.

I do-- they said, ah--
wear something more casual.

- Oh, OK.
- So I grabbed this one.

So how long have you
had your hair this way?

Uh, recently.

Why?

Well I felt like, uh,
doing something different.

Have you worked
with the elderly?

No, you know, never.

What's in your hair?

Oh, it's a hair tattoo.

GIGI: Do you have experience
being an assistant?

Yes, I babysit my
niece and nephew a lot.

They're twins.

(IN FALSETTO) They're twins!

Mhm.

- You know, I was a twin.
- Really?

I had a fraternal twin.

Was born on the side
of my body and they

removed it when I was--

27?

Oh.

Oh?

Oh!

Can I touch your beard?

Oh, it's just-- it
feels like any other--

(WHISPERING) I'm gonna
touch it, I'm gonna touch it!

Well, that's--

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm not so
comfortable with that, but--

(WHISPERING) Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All right.
- Very good.

Great.

[SNIFFS]

You've been an assistant before?

In France, I take care
of my grandma sometimes.

Uh, sometimes I'm a nurse.

Sometimes, all the
time, part time.

Is it sometimes, all
the time, or part time?

It's a little bit of
both, you know, uh--

There was three
things, not both.

I have high blood pressure.

Mhm.

I have like, an
under-boob quiver.

Mhm.

And I have a bad
case of Chloe Sevigny.

Wow.

I have an open wound.

Where?

It was a stretch mark
that opened near my thigh.

Uh, that is something
that should be checked.

It's nice and pink still.

Do you shave backs?

Yeah, yeah, I can shave backs.

Do you shave vaginas?

Because I can't reach anymore.

- Ah.
- You know?

Plus, it's nice to have
someone else do it.

I see, yes.

I'm allergic to cats.

A lot of people are.

A cat bit me on my pussy once.

I'm sorry?

Yeah.

Pussy on pussy crime.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm Mexican, so you know,
we're all about the family.

Yeah, Jews?

Not at all.

[LAUGHS] I haven't met
one yet, but yeah I bet--

You've never met a Jew?

No, no, not yet.

I'm the first Jew you've
ever met in your life?

[LAUGHS] I think so.

Oh my god!

[LAUGHS] Wow.

Well, pleasure to meet you.
I don't--

- Nice to meet you.
- --I don't bite.

Where are you from?

I'm actually born and
raised, uh, in Canada.

I like you.

You have nice blue eyes.

Uh, thank you.

You seem very lovely, as well.

What's with the shoes?

No socks.

Ah, no socks today.

- I prefer you wear socks.
- OK.

- Thank you so much.
- Bye bye.

Crazy hair.

He had crazy hair.

How can I walk around
with a guy like that?

Well, I'm not hiring
any of these idiots.

But they all seem like
they're into polyamory.

Except for that, um--

the goateed Canadian kid?

Yeah, I-- I could tell he
didn't even love himself.

He's perfect.

Let's say you were to
come into a lot of money.

What's the first thing you
would do with that money?

I'd probably blow it all.

I'd probably waste it, like on
a horse or a wife or something.

You're very honest.

I like that about you.

Honest Gabe.
- Abe.

Gay.

It's "Honest Abe."

(QUIETLY) Are you gay?

What?

That's OK.

No, no.

I'm-- I'm not.

That's fine.

You're hired.

What, really?

You've got the job.

Just like that?

I love your smile, I
can't get enough of it.

- [LAUGHS] Thank you!
- You're very cute.

I want to hug ya.

Uh, when-- when--
when would you like to--

You're starting!
You already started.

Just stay here.

And just be with me.

I'm at work.

- Correct
- All right.

Want a lozenge?

[THEME MUSIC CLIP]

'Cause it looked
like a bug, you know?

And I went to squash it.

And she said, No,
no, no, don't touch

that, that's a-- that's a mole.

I said, Oh god.

She said, Yeah, that's
a basal cell carcinoma.

Hm.

Can you believe?

She had cancer right in
the middle of her forehead.

Well, that's terrible.

Yeah, that was bad--
what are you doing?

You've been there too
long, you're gonna burn it.

Well, d-do you want,
like, tight curls or volume?

Volume, obviously.

Well, that's what I'm
giving you, it looks great--

You know what,
I'll do it myself.

I'll do it later.
- Oh, come on I--

I'll do it later.

--thought it
was looking great.

[SHOUTS IN PAIN] Ah!
[INHALES THROUGH TEETH]

What, did ya burn yourself?

Ah, shoot.

Oh, God.

You see, I told you--
- Right on the finger.

You have nervous hands!

Yeah.

Look at that.

OK, listen--
- It's gonna blister.

Here's what you need
to do, listen to me.

You need to pee on that.

No, you don't.

That's the way to get
rid of-- urine cures it.

That's for-- for
jellyfish stings.

The best thing
for it is urine.

I'm telling you.

Go pee.

- I don't have to pee.
- I do.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FLOOR CREAKING]

GIGI: [GASPS] Harold?

Harold, is that-- is that you?

I heard somebody, I heard some--

I heard, I heard you!

I'm nice person, alone.

Please, don't come kill me.

I'm just a sweetie,
I'm a sweetie in here.

Hello?

I heard you, I--

Please!

I'm-- I'm violent!

I'll murder you!

I'll m-murder every part of you.

I-I'll kill your ass.

In the face.

I'll kill your face in the--

I'll kill your ass in the face!

C-c-come up, let's talk.

You can have your way
with me if you'd like.

I wouldn't mind that.

Do as you must!

But make it quick.

And make it worth my while.

Hello?

Hello, I love you.

You know, I've had anxiety
issues my whole life,

but I've never experienced
them at this intensity before.

Well, there's only
one clear solution

to rid me of my
overwhelming insecurities.

Something sensible, something in
tune with the nature of things

and in line with the most
common anti-anxiety treatments.

I'm going to purchase
a deadly weapon.

Oh, what, you thought I
was going to say buy a cat?

[BEEP] cats.

GIGI: Hello?

STORE EMPLOYEES: Hello,
how are you guys doing?

GIGI: How are you?

Look at all these
boom-boom-boom-booms.

My name is Gigi.
- I'm Fred.

- Fred.
- This is Corey.

This is Corey.
OK, Corey.

And this was is assistant--

Ricky.

Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you.
- Ricky, yeah.

Well, I'd like to--

I very much would like
to purchase a gun.

Well, the easiest ones
to operate are revolvers.

OK.

And also weight is going
to be a consideration,

how good it feels in your hand.

Yeah I have, you know, I
have a little bit of arthritis,

but--

Well, one way to
explain it would be

like trying on a pair of shoes.

OK.

They either feel
really good, or they

don't feel comfortable at all.

You see mine?

These are my--

- Orthopedic, so--
- Yeah.

--any comfort, I
think would help.

FRED: Well, those are
pretty stylish shoes.

We'll have to set you up with
a gun to go along with it.

Thank you so much,
they're a little dirty.

See how that feels to you.

Some of the kids
in my neighborhood

stomped on my feet.

That feel heavy?

Yes, this is very, very heavy.

This, I can barely hold.

FRED: OK.

See, it's starting-- this is--

I'm starting to lose it.

Nah, see I can't
lift it back up.

Can you control it?

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, there you go.

Sorry.
- Maybe something smaller.

I'd like something
that can fit in my purse.

Something I could fit in my
brazier or under one of my,

you know.

This one is bigger
than the other.

That happens in
nature sometimes.

GIGI: Yeah, it's
always been that way.

Very unfortunate.

But such is life.

This one's a lot
bigger, though.

A lot bigger.

FRED: [LAUGHS]

GIGI: Yeah, it's wild looking.
OK.

A little more compact.

This is-- yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, a lot lighter.

Remember Charles Bronson?
- Sure.

And one is the--

"Die Hard?"
- "Death Wish."

GIGI: "Death Wish."

Don't you come near me.

You come closer I'm gonna
blow your brains out.

Now, you don't wanna kill him,
you want to stop the threat.

Here I am!

You were looking for me?

Well, you got me.
Guess what?

Boom.
Right between the [BLEEP] balls.

I would highly recommend
taking some training classes.

[GUNSHOTS]

GIGI: It's very loud, isn't it?
RICKY: Yeah.

GIGI: It's too loud!

Yeah, it's probably
too much for you.

We should go.

Any one of these nut
cases can turn around

and shoot me in the brain.

I think you had
your fun, let's go.

Ricky.

I'm standing my ground.

You want to stay?

You bet your little
white ass, I do.

You think you can
rifle through my jewelry?

Smell my braziers?

And wear my panty liner?

Never!

In grade school, I was bullied
by a girl named Baruch Fishman.

You would think she would
be the one that was bullied,

because her name was Baruch.

But no, she took it out on me!
Too late.

I'm the head of the class, now!

Are you afraid?

I'm afraid, too.

Afraid I can't help myself.

I haven't felt
this way in years.

This is exactly what I
was hoping to accomplish.

Your brains on my carpet.

I'm the killer they call Gigi.

My uncle was a Jewish gangster.

Now, who's gonna
to clean this up?

Not me.

I don't clean anymore.

I don't clean anymore!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] I
don't clean anymore!

I don't have to clean!

[LAUGHS]

You killed it.

Hey!

And I went, boom!

[LAUGHS]

Come on.

I want to buy this gun.

I wanna buy that gun.

Well, we'll think about it.

We'll sure you're making
the right decision.

I think that'll
fit in my purse, no?

FRED: Mhm.
- Yeah, can I try it?

FRED: Sure.
I would probably--

GIGI: Put it like that.

FRED: --put it in like so.

GIGI: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you're perfect.
Look at that.

And you-- It closes.

Ta-da!

I feel-- I feel invigorated.

And I feel emancipated.

And I feel inspired.

And I'm wired.

And I'm a little bit tired,
I'm going to lie to you.

A little bit
perspired, as well.

Am I shvitzing?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, all right.

Well, that was a lot for me.

It was a lot for anybody.

But I think it went well.

And now we have protection,
which is very important.

Do you have my car keys?

- No, they're in your purse.
- No they're not.

Yep.

They're not in here.

They're in your purse.
I know they are.

No, they are not.
They are not in--

[GUNSHOT]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm very, very sorry.

But it's a graze wound.

You know, don't make such
a big deal out of it,

it's a beautiful day.

Graze shmaze, all right?

You would have killed me.

And then your day
would be filled

with dealing with my death.

I shot Ricky.

But the doctor at the hospital
said it was only a graze wound.

Listen, I blame Ricky.

If he had had a gun, he would
have been able to prevent this

from happening.

Because you know what
they say, the only thing

that can stop a bad guy with a
gun, is a good guy with a gun.

Don't be a negative Nellie,
be a positive Perry.

What do you think of that?

What I think is that as
long as you choose the gun

and having gun for protection
over having me work for you--

Yeah?

- Then I can't do it.
- Oh.

I can't work for you.

The mayor of ultimatum
land is either or?

Mr. Either Or?

What the hell business is it of
yours what I do with the gun?

Because when the gun is
aimed at me and I get hurt,

that is my business.

And as mayor of ultimatum-ville,
it's me or the gun.

I promise you, Mayor,
that it will never

happen again as long as I live.

I point right to God.

If you're quitting on
me, give me my gun back.

I'm quitting, but
I don't have the gun.

What do you mean you
don't have the gun?

I never had the gun.

Well, you're telling me
we don't have the gun!?

We don't have the gun.

The gun is
licensed to my name.

Oh my god.

Let me tell you something.

You, you, you have caused
me a lot of trouble.

You know what?

Save your insults, and
let's find our gun.

Your gun.

Fine, come with
me, hold my hand.

I'm scared now.

OK.
Who do we ask?

Where was the last
time you saw it?

In the children's
alopecia ward.

It's not an alopecia ward.

GIGI: Have you seen it?

Most certainly
have not seen a gun.

RICKY: [SPEAKING SPANISH]
um, ah, lose.

Uh, "perdito una-- una--"

Boom boom boom boom boom.

RICKY: You guys haven't
seen, like a nine

millimeter handgun have you?

Nah.

GIGI: Oh my god, if you see it,
don't report it to the police,

OK?
Keep it for yourself.

I can't believe
this is my job now.

This is what I do for a living.

I work for a woman
who loses a gun.

Then go!

Leave me out here in
the middle of hell,

on the corner of
despair and horror.

Well.

What am I going to
say, we lost the gun,

we're shit out of luck.

Hey, look, you know it--
- Bad luck.

--wasn't meant to be.

It wasn't meant to be.

What do you mean,
it wasn't meant to be?

These things
happen, you know--

They're not
supposed to happen!

If you were--

--and if worse
comes to worse--

If worse comes to worse, it
can end up in somebody's hands,

and they hurt somebody.

Yeah, listen,
here's the best part.

Now that the gun is gone,
you can work for me.

Come, let's go home.

You know what they say,
every time a gun is lost,

an assistant keeps his job.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, ah!
OK, OK.

That's too much pressure.

OK, well it's swelling.

Yeah, no, what
that-- you just dab it.

I'm dabbing.

Oh, look at that.

You know, when I
was eight years old,

I walked into a very clean
mirror at a department store.

And I got a lump on my forehead.

And my mother took the
dull end of a butter knife

and pressed it up
against my forehead.

And now, I have
like, an inverted

lump that presses against
my right prefrontal cortex.

Which is probably why I
suffer bouts of depression.

That's not-- That's
definitely medically impossible.

You know what, it's been a
long day, I'm just going to go.

Well, wait a second.

How's that?
- OK.

- All right.
- Yep.

I'm gonna go.
- You're leaving?

- Yep.
- Very good.

Good.

Great day-- great
day of work, huh?

I'm very proud of you.

You and I make a great
team, wouldn't you agree?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Thanks Gigi.

OK.
All right.

Bye bye.

Well, ah-- who's going to
clean all this shit up?

[DOOR SLAMS] Oh.

I learned a
valuable lesson today.

Never covet money.

Because if you do, someone
will probably get--

get shot.

[WHEEZING LAUGHTER]

Oh, you know Harold would have
wanted me to save the money.

And of course, my
children called with

their greedy little paws out.

No, no, no, I--

I love my children, I do.

And if they ever need anything,
they shouldn't hesitate to ask.

But anything over $100,000
will need to be pro-rated based

on if they've gained weight.

You know, Harold always
said, if you give a child

$1 they'll ask for another one.

But if you give a child a
job, they'll do shoddy work,

so it's better to
hire a migrant.

Oh, Harold.

I'm going to spend every penny!

For 40 years I lived like
a cartoon Russian mouse.

But no more.

No more, I'm going to
live life to its fullest.

I'm going to eat
cheese at night.

I'm going to go back
in time and save

Michael Jackson from the Jews.

I'm going to--
hold on, I have a--

there's something in my
eye, give me a second.

No, no, no.
What is that?

It's not a la--

there's something--
give me a second,

there's something in my eye.

I cannot see.

I definitely have lost sight.

Get a-- This is
bad, that's a bug.

That's a bug and it's
crawling, it's still alive,

it's crawling in my eye.

Someone should cal
po-- the ambulance.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIGI SNORING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

(WHISPERING) Hi, mom.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

I-- I'm sorry I didn't call.

Yeah, no I, um--

I got a job today.

Yeah!

No, I'm working for a--

the sweetest, older woman.

She's-- yeah, no, she's
really, really great.

[GIGI SNORING]

[GUNSHOT]