Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN CLEARING THROAT]

- So, uh. - Yes.

- Yeah. - So, uh--

Mrs. Rotblum, your late husband was a very frugal man.

Ah.

And he was able to maintain his personal financial holdings

for almost 50 years, which is very impressive considering

taxes and normal life expenses.

Well, we didn't live a normal life.

The man reused toast.

He--

Ah.

--he wore a ring around his penis to save sperm.

I'm sorry. - That's all right.

I don't mince words.

Never have and never will.

I understand.

Uh, your husband had various unattended financial holdings

apparently, he was too--

[INHALES] sparing to hire an accountant

to manage his portfolios. - Psh!

For example, his investment in toilet paper

is currently worth $12.34, which actually represents a gain.

And you've never seen a more delicate asshole.

And that's typical of his investment returns,

except for one notable exception.

In 1964, he invested $50 in a company

that provides food to zoos.

- Zoo food. - Zoo food--

- For the animals. - That's correct.

He loved animals.

Well that's probably why he invested.

You know, they feed monkey meat to elephants.

Didn't know that.

Yeah, well, and then when they take them behind the scenes,

you know, into the cages?

Mhm, yes.

And they take the little ones--

um, what are they called?

The tamarin monkeys, lion tamarins--

Mhm.

--and they crack 'em, and they put 'em in a bushel.

Hundreds of them at a time, and the elephants just suck 'em up.

Fascinating.

Well, circle of life--

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so forth.

Mrs. Rotblum, your late husband's

investment in this company is currently

valued at $6.2 million.

Since your husband was too frugal to hire someone

to draft a last will and testament,

Florida law dictates that his entire estate be turned over

to the name of next of kin.

Next-of-kin, is that a Chinese name?

No, that's you this Mrs. Rotblum.

I'm Chinese?

No, Gigi, you're next of kin.

Which means your estate is now worth $6.2 million.

You're a multimillionaire, Mrs. Rotblum.

Congratulations.

Can I get you water or anything?

I could use a wipe.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

GIGI: $6.2 million.

Let me tell you, I am in a stunned state of shock,

and my bloat is acting up on me for the first time in hours.

I haven't been alone in 40 years.

I miss my Harold, he used to pumice my feet!

And identify the difference between Asian peoples for me.

And look, some people like watching birds.

My Harold, he liked watching Asians.

Anyway, what's a 76-year-old woman

to do all alone in the world w-with $6.2 million?

Just wait for death to take me away

and turn my once-nubile body into a cruise

ship for maggots and vermin?

I can feel my blood sugar dropping.

OK.

Gertrude Gettelstein Rotblum, you gather yourself,

and you come up with a plan.

I'm scared. I'm alone.

I need help.

I need to hire a personal assistant.

Hello. Is it Gigi?

GIGI (VOICEOVER): Someone who would allow

him- or herself to be bossed around by a short Jew

from Canarsie.

My name is Joseph.

- Nice to meet you, I'm Jessica. - Ricky

- Ricky? - Yeah.

- How ya doing, Ricky? - I'm very well.

My name is Gigi.

[GIGGLES] Very good to meet you.

Oh, you're very happy to be here.

- Um, y-yeah, this is lovely. - I love what you're wearing.

- Ah, thank you. - Please, sit.

And I'm guessing you've been on safari.

[LAUGHS] No, uh, no.

I do-- they said, ah-- wear something more casual.

- Oh, OK. - So I grabbed this one.

So how long have you had your hair this way?

Uh, recently.

Why?

Well I felt like, uh, doing something different.

Have you worked with the elderly?

No, you know, never.

What's in your hair?

Oh, it's a hair tattoo.

GIGI: Do you have experience being an assistant?

Yes, I babysit my niece and nephew a lot.

They're twins.

(IN FALSETTO) They're twins!

Mhm.

- You know, I was a twin. - Really?

I had a fraternal twin.

Was born on the side of my body and they

removed it when I was--

27?

Oh.

Oh?

Oh!

Can I touch your beard?

Oh, it's just-- it feels like any other--

(WHISPERING) I'm gonna touch it, I'm gonna touch it!

Well, that's--

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm not so comfortable with that, but--

(WHISPERING) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All right. - Very good.

Great.

[SNIFFS]

You've been an assistant before?

In France, I take care of my grandma sometimes.

Uh, sometimes I'm a nurse.

Sometimes, all the time, part time.

Is it sometimes, all the time, or part time?

It's a little bit of both, you know, uh--

There was three things, not both.

I have high blood pressure.

Mhm.

I have like, an under-boob quiver.

Mhm.

And I have a bad case of Chloe Sevigny.

Wow.

I have an open wound.

Where?

It was a stretch mark that opened near my thigh.

Uh, that is something that should be checked.

It's nice and pink still.

Do you shave backs?

Yeah, yeah, I can shave backs.

Do you shave vaginas?

Because I can't reach anymore.

- Ah. - You know?

Plus, it's nice to have someone else do it.

I see, yes.

I'm allergic to cats.

A lot of people are.

A cat bit me on my pussy once.

I'm sorry?

Yeah.

Pussy on pussy crime.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm Mexican, so you know, we're all about the family.

Yeah, Jews?

Not at all.

[LAUGHS] I haven't met one yet, but yeah I bet--

You've never met a Jew?

No, no, not yet.

I'm the first Jew you've ever met in your life?

[LAUGHS] I think so.

Oh my god!

[LAUGHS] Wow.

Well, pleasure to meet you. I don't--

- Nice to meet you. - --I don't bite.

Where are you from?

I'm actually born and raised, uh, in Canada.

I like you.

You have nice blue eyes.

Uh, thank you.

You seem very lovely, as well.

What's with the shoes?

No socks.

Ah, no socks today.

- I prefer you wear socks. - OK.

- Thank you so much. - Bye bye.

Crazy hair.

He had crazy hair.

How can I walk around with a guy like that?

Well, I'm not hiring any of these idiots.

But they all seem like they're into polyamory.

Except for that, um--

the goateed Canadian kid?

Yeah, I-- I could tell he didn't even love himself.

He's perfect.

Let's say you were to come into a lot of money.

What's the first thing you would do with that money?

I'd probably blow it all.

I'd probably waste it, like on a horse or a wife or something.

You're very honest.

I like that about you.

Honest Gabe. - Abe.

Gay.

It's "Honest Abe."

(QUIETLY) Are you gay?

What?

That's OK.

No, no.

I'm-- I'm not.

That's fine.

You're hired.

What, really?

You've got the job.

Just like that?

I love your smile, I can't get enough of it.

- [LAUGHS] Thank you! - You're very cute.

I want to hug ya.

Uh, when-- when-- when would you like to--

You're starting! You already started.

Just stay here.

And just be with me.

I'm at work.

- Correct - All right.

Want a lozenge?

[THEME MUSIC CLIP]

'Cause it looked like a bug, you know?

And I went to squash it.

And she said, No, no, no, don't touch

that, that's a-- that's a mole.

I said, Oh god.

She said, Yeah, that's a basal cell carcinoma.

Hm.

Can you believe?

She had cancer right in the middle of her forehead.

Well, that's terrible.

Yeah, that was bad-- what are you doing?

You've been there too long, you're gonna burn it.

Well, d-do you want, like, tight curls or volume?

Volume, obviously.

Well, that's what I'm giving you, it looks great--

You know what, I'll do it myself.

I'll do it later. - Oh, come on I--

I'll do it later.

--thought it was looking great.

[SHOUTS IN PAIN] Ah! [INHALES THROUGH TEETH]

What, did ya burn yourself?

Ah, shoot.

Oh, God.

You see, I told you-- - Right on the finger.

You have nervous hands!

Yeah.

Look at that.

OK, listen-- - It's gonna blister.

Here's what you need to do, listen to me.

You need to pee on that.

No, you don't.

That's the way to get rid of-- urine cures it.

That's for-- for jellyfish stings.

The best thing for it is urine.

I'm telling you.

Go pee.

- I don't have to pee. - I do.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FLOOR CREAKING]

GIGI: [GASPS] Harold?

Harold, is that-- is that you?

I heard somebody, I heard some--

I heard, I heard you!

I'm nice person, alone.

Please, don't come kill me.

I'm just a sweetie, I'm a sweetie in here.

Hello?

I heard you, I--

Please!

I'm-- I'm violent!

I'll murder you!

I'll m-murder every part of you.

I-I'll kill your ass.

In the face.

I'll kill your face in the--

I'll kill your ass in the face!

C-c-come up, let's talk.

You can have your way with me if you'd like.

I wouldn't mind that.

Do as you must!

But make it quick.

And make it worth my while.

Hello?

Hello, I love you.

You know, I've had anxiety issues my whole life,

but I've never experienced them at this intensity before.

Well, there's only one clear solution

to rid me of my overwhelming insecurities.

Something sensible, something in tune with the nature of things

and in line with the most common anti-anxiety treatments.

I'm going to purchase a deadly weapon.

Oh, what, you thought I was going to say buy a cat?

[BEEP] cats.

GIGI: Hello?

STORE EMPLOYEES: Hello, how are you guys doing?

GIGI: How are you?

Look at all these boom-boom-boom-booms.

My name is Gigi. - I'm Fred.

- Fred. - This is Corey.

This is Corey. OK, Corey.

And this was is assistant--

Ricky.

Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you. - Ricky, yeah.

Well, I'd like to--

I very much would like to purchase a gun.

Well, the easiest ones to operate are revolvers.

OK.

And also weight is going to be a consideration,

how good it feels in your hand.

Yeah I have, you know, I have a little bit of arthritis,

but--

Well, one way to explain it would be

like trying on a pair of shoes.

OK.

They either feel really good, or they

don't feel comfortable at all.

You see mine?

These are my--

- Orthopedic, so-- - Yeah.

--any comfort, I think would help.

FRED: Well, those are pretty stylish shoes.

We'll have to set you up with a gun to go along with it.

Thank you so much, they're a little dirty.

See how that feels to you.

Some of the kids in my neighborhood

stomped on my feet.

That feel heavy?

Yes, this is very, very heavy.

This, I can barely hold.

FRED: OK.

See, it's starting-- this is--

I'm starting to lose it.

Nah, see I can't lift it back up.

Can you control it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go.

Sorry. - Maybe something smaller.

I'd like something that can fit in my purse.

Something I could fit in my brazier or under one of my,

you know.

This one is bigger than the other.

That happens in nature sometimes.

GIGI: Yeah, it's always been that way.

Very unfortunate.

But such is life.

This one's a lot bigger, though.

A lot bigger.

FRED: [LAUGHS]

GIGI: Yeah, it's wild looking. OK.

A little more compact.

This is-- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot lighter.

Remember Charles Bronson? - Sure.

And one is the--

"Die Hard?" - "Death Wish."

GIGI: "Death Wish."

Don't you come near me.

You come closer I'm gonna blow your brains out.

Now, you don't wanna kill him, you want to stop the threat.

Here I am!

You were looking for me?

Well, you got me. Guess what?

Boom. Right between the [BLEEP] balls.

I would highly recommend taking some training classes.

[GUNSHOTS]

GIGI: It's very loud, isn't it? RICKY: Yeah.

GIGI: It's too loud!

Yeah, it's probably too much for you.

We should go.

Any one of these nut cases can turn around

and shoot me in the brain.

I think you had your fun, let's go.

Ricky.

I'm standing my ground.

You want to stay?

You bet your little white ass, I do.

You think you can rifle through my jewelry?

Smell my braziers?

And wear my panty liner?

Never!

In grade school, I was bullied by a girl named Baruch Fishman.

You would think she would be the one that was bullied,

because her name was Baruch.

But no, she took it out on me! Too late.

I'm the head of the class, now!

Are you afraid?

I'm afraid, too.

Afraid I can't help myself.

I haven't felt this way in years.

This is exactly what I was hoping to accomplish.

Your brains on my carpet.

I'm the killer they call Gigi.

My uncle was a Jewish gangster.

Now, who's gonna to clean this up?

Not me.

I don't clean anymore.

I don't clean anymore!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY] I don't clean anymore!

I don't have to clean!

[LAUGHS]

You killed it.

Hey!

And I went, boom!

[LAUGHS]

Come on.

I want to buy this gun.

I wanna buy that gun.

Well, we'll think about it.

We'll sure you're making the right decision.

I think that'll fit in my purse, no?

FRED: Mhm. - Yeah, can I try it?

FRED: Sure. I would probably--

GIGI: Put it like that.

FRED: --put it in like so.

GIGI: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you're perfect. Look at that.

And you-- It closes.

Ta-da!

I feel-- I feel invigorated.

And I feel emancipated.

And I feel inspired.

And I'm wired.

And I'm a little bit tired, I'm going to lie to you.

A little bit perspired, as well.

Am I shvitzing?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, all right.

Well, that was a lot for me.

It was a lot for anybody.

But I think it went well.

And now we have protection, which is very important.

Do you have my car keys?

- No, they're in your purse. - No they're not.

Yep.

They're not in here.

They're in your purse. I know they are.

No, they are not. They are not in--

[GUNSHOT]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm very, very sorry.

But it's a graze wound.

You know, don't make such a big deal out of it,

it's a beautiful day.

Graze shmaze, all right?

You would have killed me.

And then your day would be filled

with dealing with my death.

I shot Ricky.

But the doctor at the hospital said it was only a graze wound.

Listen, I blame Ricky.

If he had had a gun, he would have been able to prevent this

from happening.

Because you know what they say, the only thing

that can stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun.

Don't be a negative Nellie, be a positive Perry.

What do you think of that?

What I think is that as long as you choose the gun

and having gun for protection over having me work for you--

Yeah?

- Then I can't do it. - Oh.

I can't work for you.

The mayor of ultimatum land is either or?

Mr. Either Or?

What the hell business is it of yours what I do with the gun?

Because when the gun is aimed at me and I get hurt,

that is my business.

And as mayor of ultimatum-ville, it's me or the gun.

I promise you, Mayor, that it will never

happen again as long as I live.

I point right to God.

If you're quitting on me, give me my gun back.

I'm quitting, but I don't have the gun.

What do you mean you don't have the gun?

I never had the gun.

Well, you're telling me we don't have the gun!?

We don't have the gun.

The gun is licensed to my name.

Oh my god.

Let me tell you something.

You, you, you have caused me a lot of trouble.

You know what?

Save your insults, and let's find our gun.

Your gun.

Fine, come with me, hold my hand.

I'm scared now.

OK. Who do we ask?

Where was the last time you saw it?

In the children's alopecia ward.

It's not an alopecia ward.

GIGI: Have you seen it?

Most certainly have not seen a gun.

RICKY: [SPEAKING SPANISH] um, ah, lose.

Uh, "perdito una-- una--"

Boom boom boom boom boom.

RICKY: You guys haven't seen, like a nine

millimeter handgun have you?

Nah.

GIGI: Oh my god, if you see it, don't report it to the police,

OK? Keep it for yourself.

I can't believe this is my job now.

This is what I do for a living.

I work for a woman who loses a gun.

Then go!

Leave me out here in the middle of hell,

on the corner of despair and horror.

Well.

What am I going to say, we lost the gun,

we're shit out of luck.

Hey, look, you know it-- - Bad luck.

--wasn't meant to be.

It wasn't meant to be.

What do you mean, it wasn't meant to be?

These things happen, you know--

They're not supposed to happen!

If you were--

--and if worse comes to worse--

If worse comes to worse, it can end up in somebody's hands,

and they hurt somebody.

Yeah, listen, here's the best part.

Now that the gun is gone, you can work for me.

Come, let's go home.

You know what they say, every time a gun is lost,

an assistant keeps his job.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, ah! OK, OK.

That's too much pressure.

OK, well it's swelling.

Yeah, no, what that-- you just dab it.

I'm dabbing.

Oh, look at that.

You know, when I was eight years old,

I walked into a very clean mirror at a department store.

And I got a lump on my forehead.

And my mother took the dull end of a butter knife

and pressed it up against my forehead.

And now, I have like, an inverted

lump that presses against my right prefrontal cortex.

Which is probably why I suffer bouts of depression.

That's not-- That's definitely medically impossible.

You know what, it's been a long day, I'm just going to go.

Well, wait a second.

How's that? - OK.

- All right. - Yep.

I'm gonna go. - You're leaving?

- Yep. - Very good.

Good.

Great day-- great day of work, huh?

I'm very proud of you.

You and I make a great team, wouldn't you agree?

[LAUGHS] Yeah. Thanks Gigi.

OK. All right.

Bye bye.

Well, ah-- who's going to clean all this shit up?

[DOOR SLAMS] Oh.

I learned a valuable lesson today.

Never covet money.

Because if you do, someone will probably get--

get shot.

[WHEEZING LAUGHTER]

Oh, you know Harold would have wanted me to save the money.

And of course, my children called with

their greedy little paws out.

No, no, no, I--

I love my children, I do.

And if they ever need anything, they shouldn't hesitate to ask.

But anything over $100,000 will need to be pro-rated based

on if they've gained weight.

You know, Harold always said, if you give a child

$1 they'll ask for another one.

But if you give a child a job, they'll do shoddy work,

so it's better to hire a migrant.

Oh, Harold.

I'm going to spend every penny!

For 40 years I lived like a cartoon Russian mouse.

But no more.

No more, I'm going to live life to its fullest.

I'm going to eat cheese at night.

I'm going to go back in time and save

Michael Jackson from the Jews.

I'm going to-- hold on, I have a--

there's something in my eye, give me a second.

No, no, no. What is that?

It's not a la--

there's something-- give me a second,

there's something in my eye.

I cannot see.

I definitely have lost sight.

Get a-- This is bad, that's a bug.

That's a bug and it's crawling, it's still alive,

it's crawling in my eye.

Someone should cal po-- the ambulance.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIGI SNORING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

(WHISPERING) Hi, mom.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

I-- I'm sorry I didn't call.

Yeah, no I, um--

I got a job today.

Yeah!

No, I'm working for a--

the sweetest, older woman.

She's-- yeah, no, she's really, really great.

[GIGI SNORING]

[GUNSHOT]