Original subtitles

This next song is about all the ways...

men rock!

♪♪

♪ You let me handle the chores ♪

♪ Your ponytail looks like Thor's ♪

♪ You're not held back by emotion ♪

♪ You deserve a promotion ♪

♪ Men rock! ♪

♪ Men rock! ♪

♪ Love how you mansplain when I try to talk ♪

[ Cheering ]

♪ You got so much style ♪

♪ When you tell us we need to smile ♪

♪ Or that we shouldn't drive or vote ♪

♪ Because we don't have a scrote! ♪

When we say "men," you say "rock"!

Men!

Bridgette, you're so hot!

[ Sighs ] At least we have Ron.

♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Groans ] That was so embarrassing.

C'mon, we had four people there!

Last month was two.

Our fanbase doubled.

I'm just saying, maybe there's something more worthwhile

we could do the third Wednesday of every month.

Do you not believe in us anymore?

I don't think we're ever going to be successful.

[ Gasps ]

Guys, you're never gonna believe what I saw online!

Wait. We're...popular?

I can't read any of the comments.

♪ ...back by emotion ♪

♪ You deserve a promotion ♪

[ Cromanian accent ] Emily and Bridgette! I'm Mirek.

Minister of arts for splendid nation of Cromania.

And huuuge big fan of your bops!

Every song so good!

Is my pleasure to invite amazing music stars

to visit our country.

You will fly on private jet, is so sick,

and perform for brave, strong President Agoustan!

Anyway, hit me ups!

[ Squeals ] This is so cool!

Don't you think this seems sketchy?

A stranger from the Internet offering to fly us

Somewhere On a private jet?

I get five of those in my DMs every day.

C'mon, Emily.

This is our shot.

Please, please, please, please.

Fine. But if we get murdered, I'm quitting the band.

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Are they... fans of this plane?

They're here for you!

Crowd: Em-i-ly!

Bri-duh-jit!

Em-i-ly!

Bri-duh-jit!

Ahhh. This feels right.

Bridgette and Emily.

It's me, Mirek!

From Cool Video?

Kiss on cheek, kiss on cheek, best friends.

Welcome to Cromania.

Very fun, very safe.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Don't worry, they're loaded.

Come, we have full schedule of events.

Then you meet President Agoustan.

Wonderful man, perfect penis, let's ride in sweet limo!

-Ooooh. -Aaah.

-Wow. -Okaaaay.

Welcome to Presidential Palace.

Sooo many tax dollars.

You sleep here in finest suite, no one even watch.

Sketchy.

No, he said they don't watch.

[ Groans ] Is there a bathroom in here?

Beautiful bathrooms, no one watching.

But way on other side of palace.

You make later.

-I gotta make now. -You guys go.

I'll hang back with Candice and we'll catch up.

We go now. Have a good shit!

♪♪

Do you really need to pee?

Or are you just anxious about mom becoming a celebrity

because it makes you feel like less of a man?

What?

[ Guitars playing ]

♪ So you were in a public bathroom without any shoes ♪

♪ Then you played basketball against green kangaroos ♪

♪ You showed up late for class ♪

♪ You couldn't find your nose ♪

♪ You had a chat with Jose Canseco ♪

♪ About UFOs ♪

♪ Don't tell me about your stupid dreams ♪

♪ Don't tell me about your stupid dreams ♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you so much.

What an honor to meet beautiful Emily!

Oh! Thank you!

And Bridgette, the funny one.

Wait, what? I'm the hot one.

Ha ha! Classic Bridgette!

What is happening?

Emily, you are such role model for women of Cromania.

Right, Svetmoosha?

Permission to agree?

Oh, my gosh. You guys are such sweeties.

Okay, Em, you were right, this is sketchy.

It's fine.

They love us, they get us, they're giving us fish.

[ Shudders ]

Thank you? No, to sign. [ Laughs ]

Come on, Bridgette.

It's her first fish.

I mean, obviously we want mom to succeed,

but it's normal if her success makes you feel inadequate.

Dad! Bathroom!

I'm at defcon pee. You're right.

Let's focus on what's important,

not on the idea that we'll lose her forever.

[ Gasps ]

Okay, they'll know where the bathroom is.

♪♪

[ Chuckles ] This looks promising.

Almost time for big concert.

I am legit freaking out!

But first we go to Croval office

to meet indestructible leader Agoustan,

powerful hairline, breath like Jasmine.

Emily, I have a very bad feeling about this country.

Something's going on here. Yeah.

Something is going on here -- you're jealous.

You can't handle that I'm the hot one.

That is absolutely part of it!

But not all of it.

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

Absolute Unit Agoustan, it is my pleasure to present

Emily and Bridgette.

Ah, welcome to my glorious homeland.

Oh. Okay, okay.

[ Sniffs deeply ]

[ Both grunting ]

Entire nation awaits your performance.

We broadcast live on every channel.

All two!

Your music so inspirational.

See, Bridgette? We're inspirational.

Mirek will project patriotic slideshow behind performance.

♪♪

♪ You let me handle the chores ♪

♪ Your ponytail looks like Thor's ♪

[ Laughs ]

If Emily's like Katy Perry,

then I guess I'm like Orlando bloom.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Candice, wait!

[ Moans ]

[ Screams ]

Oh, were you guys in line?

♪ Or that we shouldn't drive or vote ♪

♪ Because we don't have a scrote ♪

We base whole society on your music.

Your song "Stupid Dreams" teach population

to stop dreaming of better life.

Sketchy yet?

We are way beyond sketchy.

And what's going on here?

Emily is most perfect role model.

She has child, dresses conservatively,

and hides hair under modest wig.

[ Gasps ] Em, did you hear that?

About the wig? How your hair looks fake?

Okay, we should get out of here.

Showtime!

Ready to impose your catchy bops on subservient masses?

Ooooh, so sorry, but I think we gotta postpone.

I'm feeling a little [coughs] raspy?

And I've got diarrhea!

That sounds serious.

But show must go on.

[ Guns cock ]

Do you really have diarrhea?

Because I have something for it in my bag.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We can't do this.

If we perform, we'll reinforce their evil system.

I'm sorry I got carried away by the fame and hotness

and didn't notice the oppression and misogyny.

People of Cromania, and women!

Amazing music stars Emily and Bridgette

will perform national anthem, "Men Rock"!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ You let me handle the chores ♪

♪ Your ponytail looks like Thor's ♪

[ Sighs ] We can't keep singing this.

♪♪

Then let's sing something else.

♪ But here's the real message that we have for you ♪

♪ Women can do anything that men can do ♪

[ Groans ] ♪ Don't be silent ♪

♪ Use your voice ♪

♪ You can stay at home ♪

♪ But it should be your choice ♪

♪ Women rock! ♪

♪ They're so awesome! ♪

♪ Girls who code! ♪

♪ Beyoncé! Blossom! ♪

♪ Women rock! ♪

♪ When we say "women," you say "rock"! ♪

♪ Women! ♪ ♪ Rock! ♪

♪ Women! ♪ Seize them!

♪♪

Emily! We gotta get out of here!

This country hates women!

We noticed.

[ Guns cock ]

♪♪

We found these women in an underground jail.

They were arrested for not laughing

at their husbands's jokes!

♪♪

[ Both gasps, guns cock ]

Mirek, don't!

[ Gunshot ]

Guys, your new song!

Incredible. Women doing men things?

Having choices?

I had no idea.

Come, I fly you out of country.

Thank you, Mirek.

There's that smile!

You should smile more, it's so pretty.

You were so close.

♪ So we made it to the plane ♪

♪ And escaped the Cromanian leader ♪

♪ All the women are now in charge ♪

♪ But they're not that great either ♪

♪ They murdered all the men ♪

♪ We think they overdid it ♪

♪ But after all they went through ♪

♪ I guess we kinda get it ♪

[ Light applause ]

Bridgette, you're still hot!

In my country, Bridgette is a 3.

Narrator: Well, looks like them ol' Santa Ana winds

are blowin' once again.

Ahhhhh! They sure do bluster.

♪♪

But sometimes, when troubles got ya down,

them winds can stir up exactly what you need.

Now, maybe you didn't grow up a horse girl.

But I did.

And it taught me something.

Not something you'd learn at a four year college.

It's more of a life lesson type deal.

If you got troubles...

ain't nothing can fix 'em like a horse.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Anybody want to play with me?

Sorry, sweetie. I'm late for an install.

Finishing this work thing, just give me two quick hours!

[ Groans ]

[ Horse whinnies ]

[ Horse blows ]

♪♪

[ Vacuums ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Thud ]

Now in the county of Los Angeles,

it's illegal to keep a secret horse in a rental property.

So Candice did what any horse girl would do.

She hid that dang pony in the garage.

[ Engine starts, bangs ]

Aah!

[ Horn honks, cellphone chimes ]

Oh no, me late! Ah!

[ Horse blows ]

[ Screams ] Horsejacker!

Take my wallet.

Maybe me not late.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Horse whinnies ]

♪♪

[ Game playing ]

[ Lock clicks, doorknob rattles ]

We gotta hide you.

Well, that's enough of being alone in this room!

Uh, okay...

[ Chuckles ]

Ugh, is everyone in Dubai?

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ] [ Horse whinnies ]

Couch horse! Ooh, pics or it didn't happen!

Hashtag do it for the gram.

What are you doing?

[ Horse snorts ]

No. No, you're right.

Why can't I just be in the [echoing] moment?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Eagle cries ]

♪♪

Thank you for helping me find inner peace.

Ugh. I've had these elbow patches since undergrad.

I look like a schmuck.

Quick, hide!

Aagh! I love your hair.

Ohmigosh. You're so soft.

Are you kidding me?!

30 bucks? I can't afford that!

[ Groans ]

What is this, tenured professor magazine?

[ Gasps ]

Tree horse! Waaaaaait a minute.

I need cash, you're a horse.

Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

[ Trumpet plays, horse whinnies ]

Okay, what about Tupelo Genie?

[ Horse snorts ]

Got it. A drinker.

And Salt Bray?

[ Horse growls ]

What about My Cousin Whinny?

[ Horse grunts ]

He's got unexamined childhood trauma

from witnessing the death of his father?

Hard pass.

Oooh, what about Extremely Loud and Incredibly Horse?

[ Horse grunts ]

That's the one!

Okay, here goes next month's rent.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Horses whinnying ]

♪♪

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, we're rich!

We're rich, you dumb horse!

♪♪

Say, mister, lookin' sharp.

Mind if I take a picture of you and your filly?

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Tomorrow I'm thinking it's between Call Me By Your Mane

and Won't You Me by Neigh-bor.

Huh

Whoaaa! We've got to hide you!

[ Grunts ]

[ Humming ]

Oh. gaw!

I'll never wow 'em down at the rink.

When it comes to roller skating, I'm a basic bitch.

[ Horse blows ]

Or am I?

♪♪

[ Stammering ]

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughing ]

♪♪

[ Slow motion music ]

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

They're cheering for you, too.

Double IPA?

Straight-edge? That's cool.

-[ Groans ] -Quick, under here.

♪♪

I miss you every day, Sergeant Spurs.

♪♪

[ Horse whinnies ]

You're no barbecue grill.

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

[ Horse snorts ]

It can't be...

♪♪

[ Horse grunts ]

♪♪

Let's go!

Power slide!

Whoa!

♪♪

[ Smooches ]

Thank you for one last day.

Ooh.

[ Door opens ]

Hey, Mr. Salt. Mr. Salt: Emily!

I need you to write my speech for the lettuce convention.

Can you come up with some jokes?

I will "endive" right in.

That's amazing!

Haha endive...

Ugh, I'm never gonna get a break.

[ Groans ]

[ Horse blows ]

[ Gasps ]

Hi, is this Animal Control?

Yeah, I got a friggin' horse in my backyard

and I do not need this today.

Yes, he's chubby, Brown, big beautiful eyes...

He's obviously an angel. I love him.

You know what? I'll call you back.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]

♪♪

♪♪

Ahhhhhh!

♪♪

Thanks for reminding me to take time for myself.

[ Screams ] -Mom?

-Candice! -You found my secret horse?

Hey, what are you guys doing with my secret horse?

Your secret horse? He loves me.

[ Chuckles ] Uh, no, what he loves is installing TVs with me.

Can somebody hand me some clothes?

Emily, get away from my best friend!

That's my therapeutic companion!

What's it gonna be, horse? Who do you love?

You've gotta choose.

♪♪

[ Horse whinnies ]

[ All scream ]

Where is he going?

Maybe he wants to go back to his home.

Come back, Pickles!

You call him Pickles?

Well he's definitely not a "Liam".

-Train! -That's an even worse name!

[ Horn blaring ] No, train!

[ All scream ]

No train, no gain.

[ Engine revving ]

♪♪

♪♪

Narrator: Though their time with him was brief.

Pickles had changed all their lives.

Forever.

♪♪

Or had he?

Wait, did we all imagine him?

Even if Pickles wasn't real,

we all have a little horse inside of us.

Oh, no, wait. He's real everybody.

Narrator: Well, of course he was real.

If you thought Pickles was just a metaphor,

well, you're dumber than some kind of asshole.

Happy trails, cow pokes!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪