Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,019 --> 00:00:08,059
[ Cellphone chimes, vibrates ]
2
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:09,210
[ Yawns ]
3
00:00:09,230 --> 00:00:15,090
♪♪
4
00:00:15,109 --> 00:00:20,199
♪♪
5
00:00:20,219 --> 00:00:22,029
Hey!
6
00:00:22,050 --> 00:00:26,020
♪♪
7
00:00:26,039 --> 00:00:28,009
[ Grunts ]
8
00:00:28,030 --> 00:00:29,200
[ Screams ]
9
00:00:29,219 --> 00:00:33,199
♪♪
10
00:00:33,219 --> 00:00:36,009
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
11
00:00:36,030 --> 00:00:38,130
[ Truck crashes ]
12
00:00:38,149 --> 00:00:48,189
♪♪
13
00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:54,040
♪♪
14
00:00:54,060 --> 00:00:56,150
[ Sirens wailing ]
15
00:00:56,170 --> 00:01:00,150
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
16
00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:02,080
Pearle?
What's going on?
17
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:05,150
I'm bailing you
out of here.
18
00:01:05,170 --> 00:01:07,140
Ugh, not again.
19
00:01:07,159 --> 00:01:11,229
♪♪
20
00:01:12,010 --> 00:01:20,110
♪♪
21
00:01:20,129 --> 00:01:22,079
You have a problem,
Bridgette.
22
00:01:22,099 --> 00:01:24,069
You can't put down
your phone.
23
00:01:24,090 --> 00:01:29,120
That's not true,
you're being ridiculous, byeeee.
24
00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:30,230
Whoa.
25
00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:33,000
I was here the whole time
and you didn't even notice!
26
00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:35,010
It's time to call this
what it is.
27
00:01:35,030 --> 00:01:36,020
An addiction.
28
00:01:36,039 --> 00:01:38,069
You need
a no-phone detox.
29
00:01:38,090 --> 00:01:40,140
Uh, no.
This is not an addiction.
30
00:01:40,159 --> 00:01:42,159
I'm perfectly
in control -- Hey!
31
00:01:42,180 --> 00:01:45,140
I was in the middle of texting
Alex to never text me again.
32
00:01:45,159 --> 00:01:46,229
Oh... Oh my...
33
00:01:47,009 --> 00:01:48,019
Oh, my God!
34
00:01:48,039 --> 00:01:50,089
Oh my God,
what's happening to me?
35
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:52,089
Your body needs time
to adjust.
36
00:01:52,109 --> 00:01:54,159
But don't worry, nothing bad
ever happened
37
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:59,010
from not using your phone
for two minutes.
38
00:01:59,030 --> 00:02:01,000
Ohmigod!
39
00:02:01,019 --> 00:02:03,019
Guys, Bridgette hasn't texted
in two minutes.
40
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,130
-What?!
-Bridgette is dead?!
41
00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:06,200
No.
I'm sure she's --
42
00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:08,189
She hasn't posted
in half an hour.
43
00:02:08,210 --> 00:02:10,130
look at the last text
she sent me.
44
00:02:10,150 --> 00:02:12,130
That's exactly
what she'd type
45
00:02:12,150 --> 00:02:14,190
if someone was throwing
a pillow case on her head
46
00:02:14,210 --> 00:02:17,010
and pulling her
into an unmarked van!
47
00:02:17,030 --> 00:02:19,060
We gotta call the cops!
No!
48
00:02:19,079 --> 00:02:20,209
They won't do anything
until she's gone
49
00:02:20,229 --> 00:02:22,139
for at least 48 hours.
50
00:02:22,159 --> 00:02:24,199
If we want to get
Bridgette back...
51
00:02:24,219 --> 00:02:26,029
we're on our own.
52
00:02:26,050 --> 00:02:28,080
Where'd you go,
Bridgette?
53
00:02:28,099 --> 00:02:29,169
Where'd you go?
54
00:02:29,189 --> 00:02:34,019
♪♪
55
00:02:34,039 --> 00:02:35,179
[ Panting ]
56
00:02:35,199 --> 00:02:38,129
Pearle, you can give it
back now.
57
00:02:38,150 --> 00:02:40,040
I'm good.
Really good.
58
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,230
I just want to hold it
in my hand, you know?
59
00:02:42,009 --> 00:02:46,199
I'll give it back when I know
you can handle it.
60
00:02:46,219 --> 00:02:49,059
Here. You can't let your fingers
go cold turkey.
61
00:02:49,079 --> 00:02:53,019
[ Beeping ]
62
00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,199
[ Sobbing ]
63
00:02:54,219 --> 00:02:56,059
[ Gasps ]
64
00:02:56,079 --> 00:02:57,149
[ Grunts ]
65
00:02:57,170 --> 00:02:58,150
[ Roars ]
66
00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:00,170
Bridgette, get ahold
of yourself!
67
00:03:00,189 --> 00:03:02,139
[ Grunting ]
68
00:03:02,159 --> 00:03:04,039
That's the withdrawal
kicking in.
69
00:03:04,060 --> 00:03:05,100
Let's get you a bucket.
70
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,080
44 minutes
since her last update.
71
00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:09,049
Okay, we're ready to post.
72
00:03:09,069 --> 00:03:12,199
Are we sure that's the most
appropriate picture?
73
00:03:12,219 --> 00:03:15,219
It's the one she told me to use
if she ever went missing.
74
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,220
[ Ding! ]
75
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,030
What's happening?
76
00:03:19,050 --> 00:03:20,160
Bridgette's going viral.
77
00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:22,010
Her lifelong dream.
78
00:03:22,030 --> 00:03:23,110
[ Tablet ringing ]
79
00:03:23,129 --> 00:03:25,169
Someone's FaceTiming me.
80
00:03:25,189 --> 00:03:28,999
It's Kristen and Gina
from Podnapped!
81
00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:30,150
Hello?
Hi, Emily?
82
00:03:30,170 --> 00:03:33,130
We're from Podnapped, it's a
podcast where we get buzzed
83
00:03:33,150 --> 00:03:35,110
and talk about
terrifying abductions.
84
00:03:35,129 --> 00:03:37,009
I know!
I've heard every episode.
85
00:03:37,030 --> 00:03:40,150
I have all your merch!
86
00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:42,060
This was a bad gift.
87
00:03:42,079 --> 00:03:44,179
We think our devoted audience
of abduction-istas
88
00:03:44,199 --> 00:03:47,059
could help figure out
who took your friend, Bridgette.
89
00:03:47,079 --> 00:03:49,229
We'd like to record a special
live episode about her.
90
00:03:50,009 --> 00:03:52,009
At. Your. House.
91
00:03:52,030 --> 00:03:56,210
[ Screams ]
Oh my, God. This is so awesome!
92
00:03:56,229 --> 00:03:58,049
I mean helpful.
93
00:03:58,069 --> 00:03:59,119
For finding Bridgette.
94
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:00,189
Who's missing.
95
00:04:00,210 --> 00:04:02,080
Very sad.
96
00:04:02,099 --> 00:04:05,049
♪♪
97
00:04:05,069 --> 00:04:08,049
How long since
she's checked her phone?
98
00:04:08,069 --> 00:04:09,089
Hour and a half.
99
00:04:09,110 --> 00:04:11,130
Good God.
100
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,050
[ Slow motion ]
Bridgette.
101
00:04:13,069 --> 00:04:16,139
[ Stammers ] Oh, no.
102
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,130
[ Chirps ]
103
00:04:18,149 --> 00:04:19,199
Twitter bird?
104
00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:22,170
Why haven't you checked me,
Bridgette?
105
00:04:22,189 --> 00:04:24,059
I'm just taking a break.
106
00:04:24,079 --> 00:04:26,039
[ Sinister music plays ]
107
00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:28,130
♪♪
108
00:04:28,149 --> 00:04:30,079
No one takes a break!
109
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,120
Feed me content!
110
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:34,119
Agh!
Get away from me!
111
00:04:34,139 --> 00:04:37,039
♪♪
112
00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:38,200
Come on!
Take a selfie.
113
00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:41,040
You know you want to use
the filters.
114
00:04:41,060 --> 00:04:43,000
Well, I guess one filter
couldn't hurt.
115
00:04:43,019 --> 00:04:46,229
♪♪
116
00:04:47,009 --> 00:04:49,059
Ew, I don't like
that filter!
117
00:04:49,079 --> 00:04:53,199
[ Laughs ]
It's no filter.
118
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,100
What, where am I?
119
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,220
Where are my friends?
120
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,130
He, they're all dead.
121
00:04:58,149 --> 00:05:01,059
We tried to tell you, but you
just kept looking at your phone.
122
00:05:01,079 --> 00:05:04,059
Time to take your medicine.
123
00:05:04,079 --> 00:05:06,109
I don't want to!
[ Screams ]
124
00:05:06,129 --> 00:05:07,169
No!
125
00:05:07,189 --> 00:05:09,169
[ Cellphone ringing ]
126
00:05:09,189 --> 00:05:15,069
♪♪
127
00:05:15,089 --> 00:05:19,169
She was a 26-year-old
stay-at-home influencer.
128
00:05:19,189 --> 00:05:23,049
Then one day...
she was gone.
129
00:05:23,069 --> 00:05:25,099
And now, let's hear a theme song
we recorded
130
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:28,060
while getting trashed
in a Trader Joe's parking lot.
131
00:05:28,079 --> 00:05:31,199
♪ Kristen and Gina,
Gina, Gina, Kristen ♪
132
00:05:31,220 --> 00:05:35,200
♪ Kristen and Gina
on Podnapped! ♪
133
00:05:35,220 --> 00:05:38,060
Man: Hey, get out of the way!
[ Horn honks ]
134
00:05:38,079 --> 00:05:40,089
Come on!
135
00:05:40,110 --> 00:05:44,100
Welcome to a very special
live episode of Podnapped!
136
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,040
We're here with Emily,
Alex, Josh,
137
00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:50,050
and our good friend,
Pinot Grigio.
138
00:05:50,069 --> 00:05:52,159
Emily, when did you notice
that your roommate,
139
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:54,200
BurningBridgette94,
was missing?
140
00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:55,220
I clocked it right away.
141
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,110
I'm a total podnapper.
142
00:05:57,129 --> 00:06:00,019
Well, then you must know
that 94% of abductors
143
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,140
turn out to be
the victim's best friend.
144
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,030
What?
I didn't do this.
145
00:06:05,050 --> 00:06:06,130
Bridgette was everything
to me.
146
00:06:06,149 --> 00:06:09,059
Ooh, "was", past tense.
That's a slip up.
147
00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:10,189
Pretty much a confession.
148
00:06:10,209 --> 00:06:12,009
Wait, wait, wait.
149
00:06:12,029 --> 00:06:14,049
What qualifies you
to accuse people?
150
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:16,139
I do warm up for "Conan."
151
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,190
I wear vintage dresses!
152
00:06:18,209 --> 00:06:20,059
So, you guys did it,
right?
153
00:06:20,079 --> 00:06:22,029
-No!
-Liar!
154
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:25,070
Okay, I love your guys's show,
but none of us took Bridgette!
155
00:06:25,089 --> 00:06:26,229
See how they're protecting
each other?
156
00:06:27,009 --> 00:06:29,049
Exactly what I would expect
from the "Eastside Three."
157
00:06:29,069 --> 00:06:30,149
Cool name!
158
00:06:30,170 --> 00:06:34,070
Eastside Three swag is available
in our store right now.
159
00:06:34,090 --> 00:06:35,230
-How did you?
-We used Pod Swag.
160
00:06:36,009 --> 00:06:38,029
But the real question is...
161
00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:40,030
Has gingivitis abducted
your mouth?
162
00:06:40,050 --> 00:06:41,230
Subscribe to Flosslocker
and receive
163
00:06:42,009 --> 00:06:45,059
a new artisanal
dental floss every week.
164
00:06:45,079 --> 00:06:47,029
We actually use this.
165
00:06:47,050 --> 00:06:48,200
[ Whispering ]
We totally don't.
166
00:06:48,220 --> 00:06:53,030
♪♪
167
00:06:53,050 --> 00:06:55,110
I don't think I can do it,
Pearle.
168
00:06:55,129 --> 00:06:58,169
Bridgette, if I can get clean,
anyone can.
169
00:06:58,189 --> 00:06:59,209
You had an addiction?
170
00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:01,160
Oh, I couldn't
live without it.
171
00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:05,100
My whole body was on fire
until I got that next fix.
172
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,040
Oh, my God.
Heroin? Meth?
173
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,230
Six flags.
174
00:07:11,009 --> 00:07:12,069
Magic Mountain.
175
00:07:12,089 --> 00:07:14,039
No, I know what it is.
176
00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:16,060
I had a season pass
for years.
177
00:07:16,079 --> 00:07:18,119
Any ride,
you bet I rode it.
178
00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:22,999
Crazanity, Dive Devil,
Green Lantern First Flight.
179
00:07:23,019 --> 00:07:25,179
I was ridin' that sweet dragon
on the daily.
180
00:07:25,199 --> 00:07:29,209
Then I learned, it was making me
miss out on my real life.
181
00:07:29,230 --> 00:07:31,040
Real life?
182
00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:33,140
You mean that stuff
I take pictures of?
183
00:07:33,159 --> 00:07:35,169
Whoa.
-My theory?
184
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:37,219
Emily two-buck-chucked
Bridgette into the pot,
185
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,000
while Alex cooked her up with
some mussels and white wine,
186
00:07:41,019 --> 00:07:43,209
and Josh played video games
on the couch.
187
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,070
Case closed.
188
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,010
We didn't eat Bridgette!
189
00:07:47,029 --> 00:07:48,139
You lay out
a pretty airtight case.
190
00:07:48,159 --> 00:07:50,089
So, what do you think,
podballs?
191
00:07:50,110 --> 00:07:53,030
Did they eat her or is she
duct taped to a radiator
192
00:07:53,050 --> 00:07:54,090
waiting to be set free?
193
00:07:54,110 --> 00:07:57,040
Not to mansplain
how podcasts work, ladies,
194
00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:00,050
but I'm pretty sure
you can't hear your listeners.
195
00:08:00,069 --> 00:08:01,189
Oh, we can hear them.
196
00:08:01,209 --> 00:08:03,099
Crowd: Set Bridgette free!
197
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,110
Lock up the Eastside Three!
198
00:08:05,129 --> 00:08:07,049
Set Bridgette free!
199
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,019
Lock up the Eastside Three!
200
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,180
Awww.
Our fans are the best.
201
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,079
Set Bridgette Free!
202
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,030
Lock up the Eastside Three!
203
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:20,209
Bridgette, what do you remember
about this picture?
204
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,040
I used the Nashville filter
to make it pretty.
205
00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:24,060
It got 67 likes.
206
00:08:24,079 --> 00:08:25,119
It probably would have
gotten more
207
00:08:25,139 --> 00:08:27,019
if I posted it
later in the day.
208
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:31,070
But, do you remember
what this latte tasted like?
209
00:08:31,089 --> 00:08:35,069
Wait. Have I ever actually
had a latte?
210
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,149
[ Slurps ]
211
00:08:39,169 --> 00:08:41,009
[ Gasps ]
212
00:08:41,029 --> 00:08:47,179
♪♪
213
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,020
[ Horn blares ]
214
00:08:49,039 --> 00:08:55,049
♪♪
215
00:08:55,070 --> 00:08:56,080
Whoa!
216
00:08:56,100 --> 00:09:00,120
What else have I been
missing out on?
217
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:01,219
Crowd: Set Bridgette free!
218
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,230
Man:
They took BurningBridgette94,
get 'em!
219
00:09:05,009 --> 00:09:06,099
Oh, no.
220
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,100
Hey!
I'm right here.
221
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:12,050
I wasn't abducted, I was just
at Pearle's for a couple hours!
222
00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:13,190
I pinot disagree-gio.
223
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:17,070
This woman looks nothing
like BurningBridgette94.
224
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,220
Yeah, that's not her!
225
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,190
Where'd
the Eastside three go?
226
00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:22,020
Kill them!
227
00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:24,199
Glad to see you're okay,
Bridgette! Gotta go!
228
00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:26,210
[ Chuckles ]
Cool, street justice!
229
00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:30,090
[ Chuckles ]
230
00:09:30,110 --> 00:09:32,120
You won't find
BurningBridgette94,
231
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:34,109
so stop looking for her!
232
00:09:34,129 --> 00:09:35,999
She's not real.
233
00:09:36,019 --> 00:09:38,169
She's a phony, chasing likes.
234
00:09:38,190 --> 00:09:41,160
I've lost the last 10 years
of my life to my phone,
235
00:09:41,179 --> 00:09:43,999
and I bet you all have, too.
236
00:09:44,019 --> 00:09:47,089
I like this Bridgette --
in the flesh --
237
00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:49,220
and that's the only like I need.
238
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,210
-Boo!
-She's an imposter!
239
00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:54,000
You're not the real
BurningBridgette94!
240
00:09:54,019 --> 00:09:56,039
Wait!
BurningBridgette94 posted!
241
00:09:56,059 --> 00:09:58,169
I don't know where this is from,
but it's definitely her.
242
00:09:58,190 --> 00:10:00,210
You won't find
BurningBridgette94,
243
00:10:00,230 --> 00:10:02,200
so stop looking for her!
244
00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:05,020
What?
I didn't post anything.
245
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,130
Aww.
You posted it?
246
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,189
I didn't want people to miss
what you had to say
247
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:15,010
just because they were too busy
looking at their phones.
248
00:10:15,029 --> 00:10:16,199
BurningBridgette94's
right.
249
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,130
We need to stop
looking at our phones,
250
00:10:18,149 --> 00:10:20,159
and start looking
at life.
251
00:10:20,179 --> 00:10:23,199
[ Gasps ]
Hey, check out that dog.
252
00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:25,000
Pics or it wasn't cute!
253
00:10:25,019 --> 00:10:26,109
-What breed is it?
-Check Wikipedia.
254
00:10:26,129 --> 00:10:28,129
-Oh, he's fast!
-I'll call an Uber.
255
00:10:30,070 --> 00:10:33,120
What a twist that
she showed up alive.
256
00:10:33,139 --> 00:10:36,189
Oh my, God. That never happens
on Podnapped!
257
00:10:36,210 --> 00:10:38,160
Sorry we accused you,
Emily.
258
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:42,089
Well, it was wrong what you did,
but since we're besties now,
259
00:10:42,110 --> 00:10:44,070
we can totally hang out
and --
260
00:10:44,090 --> 00:10:46,070
Now that was a podcast!
261
00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:48,180
Yeah, eat shit,
Marc Maron!
262
00:10:51,159 --> 00:10:52,179
I'm good.
263
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,220
Where are you going?
264
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,200
I'm going to the bathroom.
265
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:57,110
Without my phone.
266
00:10:57,129 --> 00:11:03,189
♪♪
267
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,210
[ Horn blows ]
268
00:11:10,230 --> 00:11:13,040
[ Indistinct shouting ]
269
00:11:13,059 --> 00:11:15,019
[ Door banging ]
270
00:11:15,039 --> 00:11:17,099
♪♪
271
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,030
[ Gasps ] Oh!
272
00:11:19,049 --> 00:11:22,079
♪♪
273
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:23,230
Oooh!
274
00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:28,219
Lady Saveria, I am Rothgar
of the Northern clans.
275
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,190
Legend of your beauty
hath traveled cross the sea.
276
00:11:32,210 --> 00:11:34,060
And legend of your...
277
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,120
longsword hath
traveled here.
278
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:39,199
Lady, thy boldness--
279
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:41,140
Shusheth!
280
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,179
[ Both moaning ]
281
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:49,000
♪♪
282
00:11:49,019 --> 00:11:52,069
Rothgar of the Northern
clans...
283
00:11:52,090 --> 00:11:54,140
...plunder me with your massive
Viking c--
284
00:11:54,159 --> 00:11:56,069
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Alex!
285
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,070
You didn't tell us
your new book was dirty!
286
00:11:58,090 --> 00:11:59,190
Uh, 'cause it's not?
287
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:01,160
"The Rigid Helmet"
is historically
288
00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:03,999
accurate Viking erotica.
289
00:12:04,019 --> 00:12:07,029
[ Murmuring ]
290
00:12:07,049 --> 00:12:09,229
What? You wanna tell me
I'm a pervert or something?
291
00:12:10,009 --> 00:12:12,159
No, I want you
to keep reading.
292
00:12:12,179 --> 00:12:14,109
Really?
You think it's good?
293
00:12:14,129 --> 00:12:17,229
Good? I think you reversed
my menopause.
294
00:12:18,009 --> 00:12:21,139
Now I believe you left off
at Rothgar's big ol' ding dong.
295
00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:26,219
♪♪
296
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:34,200
♪♪
297
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,120
Pearle: Thanks for letting me
tag along to your big meeting.
298
00:12:37,139 --> 00:12:40,179
Harlot House publishes
all my favorite sexy books.
299
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:41,190
It's the least I can do.
300
00:12:41,210 --> 00:12:43,030
If you hadn't supported me,
301
00:12:43,049 --> 00:12:44,209
I never would've submitted
my manuscript.
302
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,090
Trust me.
303
00:12:46,110 --> 00:12:49,190
"The Rigid Helmet" will be an
Ophira Book Club pick for sure.
304
00:12:49,210 --> 00:12:53,140
The world's gonna know the name
Alex Dunkleburg.
305
00:12:53,159 --> 00:12:54,189
It's Dorpenberger.
306
00:12:54,210 --> 00:12:56,040
No shit?
307
00:12:57,169 --> 00:13:00,199
Wow...
The house that horny built.
308
00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:04,040
The Waif and the Whip,
Sir Colton the Hung.
309
00:13:04,059 --> 00:13:05,089
Queen stud.
310
00:13:05,110 --> 00:13:07,070
God no! I wouldn't touch
that deal
311
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:09,000
with a dollar-store dildo.
312
00:13:09,019 --> 00:13:11,149
Okay.
Eat shit, Jason.
313
00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:15,000
Alex!
314
00:13:15,019 --> 00:13:16,079
Brienne Bishop.
315
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,160
I loved your book.
316
00:13:18,179 --> 00:13:21,069
Um, hi, actually I'm Alex.
317
00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:24,090
[ Retches ]
318
00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:27,080
Sorry.
I assumed "Alex" was a woman.
319
00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:30,010
The description of love-making
was so tender and feminine.
320
00:13:30,029 --> 00:13:31,189
But you said
you loved the book.
321
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:34,000
Here's The Deal:
there's no market
322
00:13:34,019 --> 00:13:35,129
for an erotic novel
written by a man.
323
00:13:35,149 --> 00:13:37,209
Let alone one who looks
like a werewolf
324
00:13:37,230 --> 00:13:40,010
that didn't finish
transforming.
325
00:13:40,029 --> 00:13:42,099
Our female audience wants
erotica from someone
326
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,160
who makes them feel safe.
327
00:13:43,179 --> 00:13:46,039
An E.L. James,
a J.Q. Guintel,
328
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:48,089
anyone,
anyone with two initials
329
00:13:48,110 --> 00:13:50,070
who doesn't immediately
make them vomit.
330
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,010
That's how you get on
Ophira's Book Club.
331
00:13:52,029 --> 00:13:55,169
Wait a second! What if we put
your face on the book.
332
00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:57,100
But I didn't
write this book.
333
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,210
But you encouraged me.
Think about it.
334
00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:02,180
You could go to fancy
literary parties.
335
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,220
You could meet Ophira!
336
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,050
Oh, now!
337
00:14:06,070 --> 00:14:09,110
You had me at "you could
meet Ophira."
338
00:14:09,129 --> 00:14:11,069
Perfect.
We can call you--
339
00:14:11,090 --> 00:14:14,050
A...P...LaPearle!
340
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:17,030
Stop.
A novel of hot Viking erotica
341
00:14:17,049 --> 00:14:21,009
by an older black lady named
A.P. LaPearle?
342
00:14:21,029 --> 00:14:23,219
Now that I could sell.
343
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,190
[ Applause ]
344
00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:32,020
[ Clears throat ]
The "Rigid Helmet..."
345
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:33,139
chapter four.
346
00:14:33,159 --> 00:14:36,999
"The journey across
the frozen highlands
347
00:14:37,019 --> 00:14:38,189
had been treacherous..."
348
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,110
[ Groans ]
349
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:44,129
With no fire,
I fear we shall freeze.
350
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:49,199
The only fire we need --
is the fire in our loins.
351
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:52,020
Oh my!
We know what that means!
352
00:14:52,039 --> 00:14:53,109
[ Laughter ]
353
00:14:53,129 --> 00:14:56,139
"Saveria guided Rothgar
to her glowing embers.
354
00:14:56,159 --> 00:14:57,229
[ Horse whinnies ]
355
00:14:58,009 --> 00:15:02,109
Closer, closer, 'til her body
quaked in ecstasy
356
00:15:02,129 --> 00:15:04,049
and she screamed --"
357
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:11,070
"Valhallaaaaaaa!"
358
00:15:11,090 --> 00:15:12,170
They loved you!
359
00:15:12,190 --> 00:15:13,200
Oh, please.
360
00:15:13,220 --> 00:15:15,210
You're the book,
I'm just the jacket.
361
00:15:15,230 --> 00:15:18,160
You practically got
that crowd pregnant!
362
00:15:18,179 --> 00:15:21,129
Alex, you sex pig,
start typing.
363
00:15:21,149 --> 00:15:24,119
I want five more of these
disgusting, beautiful books.
364
00:15:24,139 --> 00:15:26,999
And I want you
on a book tour.
365
00:15:27,019 --> 00:15:29,139
Ooh!
But I can't go without Alex.
366
00:15:29,159 --> 00:15:32,049
Sure, Alex can be
your "assistant." Whatever.
367
00:15:32,070 --> 00:15:37,150
A.P. LaPearle is about to become
the Stephen King of books.
368
00:15:37,169 --> 00:15:48,119
♪♪
369
00:15:48,139 --> 00:16:00,059
♪♪
370
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:11,060
♪♪
371
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,140
[ Sighs ]
372
00:16:12,159 --> 00:16:16,029
For the next reading,
should I do one scarf or two?
373
00:16:16,049 --> 00:16:17,129
[ Knock on door ]
374
00:16:17,149 --> 00:16:18,149
Oh, my goodness.
375
00:16:18,169 --> 00:16:20,089
Thank you. everybody!
376
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:23,020
It's from Brienne!
"Great news, perverts!
377
00:16:23,039 --> 00:16:26,139
Ophira read "The Rigid Helmet"
and slid off her chair!
378
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:29,049
We're talking book club,
you freaks!"
379
00:16:29,070 --> 00:16:31,040
Oooh,
it's happening for me!
380
00:16:31,059 --> 00:16:33,009
Technically,
it's happening for me.
381
00:16:33,029 --> 00:16:35,009
Mm-hmm. Sure, sure.
We need that book.
382
00:16:35,029 --> 00:16:39,069
You keep typing.
I'll care of this.
383
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:40,130
[ Grunts ]
384
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:43,059
Ooh, it's from
Washington State.
385
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,050
[ Grunts ]
386
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:50,019
Honestly, the pages
just come to me.
387
00:16:50,039 --> 00:16:52,199
It doesn't even
feel like work. [ Laughs ]
388
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,170
I love how humble she is.
389
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:55,220
Ooh, ooh, tell them!
390
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,100
You know what,
I'm gonna tell them --
391
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,010
She's going to be
on Ophira tomorrow!
392
00:16:59,029 --> 00:17:00,129
Reading from
her new work.
393
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:02,099
[ Crowd gasps ]
394
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:06,210
Oh, I'd give up my stepson's
Yale admission to get on Ophira.
395
00:17:06,230 --> 00:17:09,010
My stepson got into Yale.
396
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:10,069
What's the new book about?
397
00:17:10,089 --> 00:17:12,009
This one's about
the eternal schism
398
00:17:12,029 --> 00:17:14,019
between the carnal
and the divine,
399
00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:19,149
set against the Jute conquest
of the sixth century.
400
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:22,050
A.P., who is this werewolf
and why
401
00:17:22,069 --> 00:17:24,189
is he answering questions
about your next book?
402
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,010
[ Stammers ]
403
00:17:26,029 --> 00:17:28,109
They can not know
he wrote this book!
404
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,230
Because he's my
nosy assistant.
405
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,199
Carry on assisting,
assistant.
406
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:34,140
The writers are talking.
407
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,140
[ Laughter ]
408
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,130
And get me a pomegranate
La Croix!
409
00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:44,029
And pull your pants up!
410
00:17:44,049 --> 00:17:46,109
[ Laughter ]
411
00:17:48,049 --> 00:17:51,069
♪♪
412
00:17:51,089 --> 00:17:55,029
Today we've got
A.P. LaPearle!
413
00:17:55,049 --> 00:17:57,059
She's going to read
from her new book,
414
00:17:57,079 --> 00:17:59,169
"The Throbbing Speeeeear!"
415
00:17:59,190 --> 00:18:02,170
[ Cheers and applause ]
416
00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:05,090
Hey, where the hell
is your assistant?
417
00:18:05,109 --> 00:18:07,209
I think I may have gone
too far last night.
418
00:18:07,230 --> 00:18:09,010
[ Door opens ]
419
00:18:09,029 --> 00:18:11,009
Finally!
She's about to go on.
420
00:18:11,029 --> 00:18:12,049
Give her the new pages.
421
00:18:12,069 --> 00:18:13,199
No.
I'm gonna read them.
422
00:18:13,220 --> 00:18:15,170
Oh, the frig you are,
buddy!
423
00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:17,040
I'm doing
all of the work,
424
00:18:17,059 --> 00:18:19,099
it's time I got
some of the recognition.
425
00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:20,999
Alex, what's the matter?
426
00:18:21,019 --> 00:18:23,079
You're the book
and I'm the jacket, remember?
427
00:18:23,099 --> 00:18:24,159
Not anymore.
428
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:27,080
Either I read these pages,
or the pages and I walk.
429
00:18:27,099 --> 00:18:29,189
Okay, bye.
Uh, wait, I di--
430
00:18:29,210 --> 00:18:31,080
You don't think
I have a backup plan?
431
00:18:31,099 --> 00:18:34,049
Harlot House designed an A.I.
that analyzed your novel
432
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:36,079
and every Wikipedia page
about Vikings,
433
00:18:36,099 --> 00:18:40,199
and it generated a sequel that
is absolutely thigh-quaking.
434
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:43,200
And you are fired.
435
00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:48,200
♪♪
436
00:18:52,069 --> 00:18:56,079
Who's ready for some
Viking roooomaaance?
437
00:18:56,099 --> 00:19:00,999
Please give a warm welcome
to my new best friend,
438
00:19:01,019 --> 00:19:03,119
A.P. LaaaPeeeearle!
439
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:08,010
[ Cheers and applause ]
440
00:19:08,029 --> 00:19:09,199
Come on, Ma,
where are you?
441
00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:12,210
I don't know, this doesn't feel
right without Alex.
442
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:15,070
Pearle, your idol Ophira
is out there,
443
00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:16,129
waiting to talk to you.
444
00:19:16,150 --> 00:19:18,110
You're the magic behind
A.P. LaPearle,
445
00:19:18,130 --> 00:19:21,000
not Alex Dunkleberg.
446
00:19:21,019 --> 00:19:22,159
It's Dorpenberger.
447
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:26,190
[ Cheers and applause ]
448
00:19:26,210 --> 00:19:29,070
Who wants to get hooooorny?
449
00:19:29,089 --> 00:19:31,999
[ Cheers and applause ]
450
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,220
Ahem.
451
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,190
"The Throbbing Spear,"
chapter one.
452
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:40,220
[ Cheers and applause ]
453
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,140
"Rothgar and Saveria
454
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,200
leaned against
the mast of their ship..."
455
00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:49,210
Ooh. I was afraid I'd never feel
your longsword again.
456
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:52,210
There is no sea
that can keep us apart.
457
00:19:52,230 --> 00:19:56,060
For we Vikings are a seafaring
people who during the 8th
458
00:19:56,079 --> 00:19:58,199
to 11th century
explored wide areas of Europe
459
00:19:58,220 --> 00:20:01,020
and sailed as far West
as Newfoundland.
460
00:20:01,039 --> 00:20:03,129
"'Oh my God,'
Rothgar whispered,
461
00:20:03,150 --> 00:20:06,020
referring to Odin,
the Norse God.
462
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:09,139
Then 4.92 milliliters
of his seed flowed,
463
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,220
and Saveria savored it like
a typical Viking meal of meat
464
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,040
and vegetables stewed
in a soapstone pot."
465
00:20:14,059 --> 00:20:17,229
No! These are not the words
of A.P. LaPearle!
466
00:20:18,009 --> 00:20:21,139
Get this lunatic out
of here!
467
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,230
This isn't right.
468
00:20:23,009 --> 00:20:24,089
Ophira, I'm sorry.
469
00:20:24,109 --> 00:20:26,179
A.P. LaPearle didn't
write this book
470
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:32,030
because A.P. LaPearle
doesn't exist!
471
00:20:32,049 --> 00:20:33,209
Alex, get up here!
472
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:35,210
What is happennnnnning?
473
00:20:35,230 --> 00:20:37,190
[ Grunts ]
474
00:20:37,210 --> 00:20:39,000
I'm sorry.
475
00:20:39,019 --> 00:20:40,069
Go on and show 'em.
476
00:20:40,089 --> 00:20:43,109
Be the book
and the jacket.
477
00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:45,000
Thank you.
478
00:20:45,019 --> 00:20:47,069
He wrote it.
479
00:20:48,049 --> 00:20:49,149
[ Retches ]
480
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:52,090
[ Audience retching ]
481
00:20:52,109 --> 00:20:54,059
[ All retching ]
482
00:20:54,079 --> 00:20:58,029
You lied to my viewers.
483
00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,109
I...require...
484
00:20:59,130 --> 00:21:02,110
vengeaaaaance!
485
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,000
They're in a horny rage!
486
00:21:04,019 --> 00:21:13,059
♪♪
487
00:21:13,079 --> 00:21:14,139
Say something sexual!
488
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,190
Um, supple flesh?
489
00:21:17,210 --> 00:21:18,180
Dewey thighs!
490
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,220
Engorged member.
491
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,150
Insistent thrusting!
492
00:21:21,170 --> 00:21:22,220
Nipple!
493
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,140
♪♪
494
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,050
[ Alarm ringing ]
495
00:21:26,069 --> 00:21:36,129
♪♪
496
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:39,130
From beneath the pile
of bodies a hand shot out!
497
00:21:39,150 --> 00:21:40,170
Saveria gasped.
498
00:21:40,190 --> 00:21:42,210
The Gods had answered her cries.
499
00:21:42,230 --> 00:21:45,170
Rothgar was alive.
500
00:21:45,190 --> 00:21:49,090
And rock hard.
The end."
501
00:21:49,109 --> 00:21:53,059
Oooh! Alex, that gave me
the ol' gooseflesh!
502
00:21:53,079 --> 00:21:55,159
Thanks for sharing
your sequel with me.
503
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:58,230
Turns out the only fan
I needed was you, Pearle.
504
00:21:59,009 --> 00:22:03,049
Yeah. We chose friendship over
money, like a couple idiots.
505
00:22:03,069 --> 00:22:04,209
Okay, up top.
506
00:22:04,230 --> 00:22:06,090
[ Glass shatters ]
Alright, that's enough.
507
00:22:06,109 --> 00:22:18,029
♪♪
508
00:22:18,049 --> 00:22:29,099
♪♪
509
00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:41,019
♪♪
510
00:22:41,039 --> 00:22:52,129
♪♪
511
00:22:52,150 --> 00:22:55,230
♪♪
34939
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
