Original subtitles

[ Cellphone chimes, vibrates ]

[ Yawns ]

♪♪

♪♪

Hey!

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Screams ]

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Truck crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Pearle? What's going on?

I'm bailing you out of here.

Ugh, not again.

♪♪

♪♪

You have a problem, Bridgette.

You can't put down your phone.

That's not true, you're being ridiculous, byeeee.

Whoa.

I was here the whole time and you didn't even notice!

It's time to call this what it is.

An addiction.

You need a no-phone detox.

Uh, no. This is not an addiction.

I'm perfectly in control -- Hey!

I was in the middle of texting Alex to never text me again.

Oh... Oh my...

Oh, my God!

Oh my God, what's happening to me?

Your body needs time to adjust.

But don't worry, nothing bad ever happened

from not using your phone for two minutes.

Ohmigod!

Guys, Bridgette hasn't texted in two minutes.

-What?! -Bridgette is dead?!

No. I'm sure she's --

She hasn't posted in half an hour.

look at the last text she sent me.

That's exactly what she'd type

if someone was throwing a pillow case on her head

and pulling her into an unmarked van!

We gotta call the cops! No!

They won't do anything until she's gone

for at least 48 hours.

If we want to get Bridgette back...

we're on our own.

Where'd you go, Bridgette?

Where'd you go?

♪♪

[ Panting ]

Pearle, you can give it back now.

I'm good. Really good.

I just want to hold it in my hand, you know?

I'll give it back when I know you can handle it.

Here. You can't let your fingers go cold turkey.

[ Beeping ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Roars ]

Bridgette, get ahold of yourself!

[ Grunting ]

That's the withdrawal kicking in.

Let's get you a bucket.

44 minutes since her last update.

Okay, we're ready to post.

Are we sure that's the most appropriate picture?

It's the one she told me to use if she ever went missing.

[ Ding! ]

What's happening?

Bridgette's going viral.

Her lifelong dream.

[ Tablet ringing ]

Someone's FaceTiming me.

It's Kristen and Gina from Podnapped!

Hello? Hi, Emily?

We're from Podnapped, it's a podcast where we get buzzed

and talk about terrifying abductions.

I know! I've heard every episode.

I have all your merch!

This was a bad gift.

We think our devoted audience of abduction-istas

could help figure out who took your friend, Bridgette.

We'd like to record a special live episode about her.

At. Your. House.

[ Screams ] Oh my, God. This is so awesome!

I mean helpful.

For finding Bridgette.

Who's missing.

Very sad.

♪♪

How long since she's checked her phone?

Hour and a half.

Good God.

[ Slow motion ] Bridgette.

[ Stammers ] Oh, no.

[ Chirps ]

Twitter bird?

Why haven't you checked me, Bridgette?

I'm just taking a break.

[ Sinister music plays ]

♪♪

No one takes a break!

Feed me content!

Agh! Get away from me!

♪♪

Come on! Take a selfie.

You know you want to use the filters.

Well, I guess one filter couldn't hurt.

♪♪

Ew, I don't like that filter!

[ Laughs ] It's no filter.

What, where am I?

Where are my friends?

He, they're all dead.

We tried to tell you, but you just kept looking at your phone.

Time to take your medicine.

I don't want to! [ Screams ]

No!

[ Cellphone ringing ]

♪♪

She was a 26-year-old stay-at-home influencer.

Then one day... she was gone.

And now, let's hear a theme song we recorded

while getting trashed in a Trader Joe's parking lot.

♪ Kristen and Gina, Gina, Gina, Kristen ♪

♪ Kristen and Gina on Podnapped! ♪

Man: Hey, get out of the way! [ Horn honks ]

Come on!

Welcome to a very special live episode of Podnapped!

We're here with Emily, Alex, Josh,

and our good friend, Pinot Grigio.

Emily, when did you notice that your roommate,

BurningBridgette94, was missing?

I clocked it right away.

I'm a total podnapper.

Well, then you must know that 94% of abductors

turn out to be the victim's best friend.

What? I didn't do this.

Bridgette was everything to me.

Ooh, "was", past tense. That's a slip up.

Pretty much a confession.

Wait, wait, wait.

What qualifies you to accuse people?

I do warm up for "Conan."

I wear vintage dresses!

So, you guys did it, right?

-No! -Liar!

Okay, I love your guys's show, but none of us took Bridgette!

See how they're protecting each other?

Exactly what I would expect from the "Eastside Three."

Cool name!

Eastside Three swag is available in our store right now.

-How did you? -We used Pod Swag.

But the real question is...

Has gingivitis abducted your mouth?

Subscribe to Flosslocker and receive

a new artisanal dental floss every week.

We actually use this.

[ Whispering ] We totally don't.

♪♪

I don't think I can do it, Pearle.

Bridgette, if I can get clean, anyone can.

You had an addiction?

Oh, I couldn't live without it.

My whole body was on fire until I got that next fix.

Oh, my God. Heroin? Meth?

Six flags.

Magic Mountain.

No, I know what it is.

I had a season pass for years.

Any ride, you bet I rode it.

Crazanity, Dive Devil, Green Lantern First Flight.

I was ridin' that sweet dragon on the daily.

Then I learned, it was making me miss out on my real life.

Real life?

You mean that stuff I take pictures of?

Whoa. -My theory?

Emily two-buck-chucked Bridgette into the pot,

while Alex cooked her up with some mussels and white wine,

and Josh played video games on the couch.

Case closed.

We didn't eat Bridgette!

You lay out a pretty airtight case.

So, what do you think, podballs?

Did they eat her or is she duct taped to a radiator

waiting to be set free?

Not to mansplain how podcasts work, ladies,

but I'm pretty sure you can't hear your listeners.

Oh, we can hear them.

Crowd: Set Bridgette free!

Lock up the Eastside Three!

Set Bridgette free!

Lock up the Eastside Three!

Awww. Our fans are the best.

Set Bridgette Free!

Lock up the Eastside Three!

Bridgette, what do you remember about this picture?

I used the Nashville filter to make it pretty.

It got 67 likes.

It probably would have gotten more

if I posted it later in the day.

But, do you remember what this latte tasted like?

Wait. Have I ever actually had a latte?

[ Slurps ]

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

[ Horn blares ]

♪♪

Whoa!

What else have I been missing out on?

Crowd: Set Bridgette free!

Man: They took BurningBridgette94, get 'em!

Oh, no.

Hey! I'm right here.

I wasn't abducted, I was just at Pearle's for a couple hours!

I pinot disagree-gio.

This woman looks nothing like BurningBridgette94.

Yeah, that's not her!

Where'd the Eastside three go?

Kill them!

Glad to see you're okay, Bridgette! Gotta go!

[ Chuckles ] Cool, street justice!

[ Chuckles ]

You won't find BurningBridgette94,

so stop looking for her!

She's not real.

She's a phony, chasing likes.

I've lost the last 10 years of my life to my phone,

and I bet you all have, too.

I like this Bridgette -- in the flesh --

and that's the only like I need.

-Boo! -She's an imposter!

You're not the real BurningBridgette94!

Wait! BurningBridgette94 posted!

I don't know where this is from, but it's definitely her.

You won't find BurningBridgette94,

so stop looking for her!

What? I didn't post anything.

Aww. You posted it?

I didn't want people to miss what you had to say

just because they were too busy looking at their phones.

BurningBridgette94's right.

We need to stop looking at our phones,

and start looking at life.

[ Gasps ] Hey, check out that dog.

Pics or it wasn't cute!

-What breed is it? -Check Wikipedia.

-Oh, he's fast! -I'll call an Uber.

What a twist that she showed up alive.

Oh my, God. That never happens on Podnapped!

Sorry we accused you, Emily.

Well, it was wrong what you did, but since we're besties now,

we can totally hang out and --

Now that was a podcast!

Yeah, eat shit, Marc Maron!

I'm good.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Without my phone.

♪♪

[ Horn blows ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Door banging ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Oh!

♪♪

Oooh!

Lady Saveria, I am Rothgar of the Northern clans.

Legend of your beauty hath traveled cross the sea.

And legend of your...

longsword hath traveled here.

Lady, thy boldness--

Shusheth!

[ Both moaning ]

♪♪

Rothgar of the Northern clans...

...plunder me with your massive Viking c--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Alex!

You didn't tell us your new book was dirty!

Uh, 'cause it's not?

"The Rigid Helmet" is historically

accurate Viking erotica.

[ Murmuring ]

What? You wanna tell me I'm a pervert or something?

No, I want you to keep reading.

Really? You think it's good?

Good? I think you reversed my menopause.

Now I believe you left off at Rothgar's big ol' ding dong.

♪♪

♪♪

Pearle: Thanks for letting me tag along to your big meeting.

Harlot House publishes all my favorite sexy books.

It's the least I can do.

If you hadn't supported me,

I never would've submitted my manuscript.

Trust me.

"The Rigid Helmet" will be an Ophira Book Club pick for sure.

The world's gonna know the name Alex Dunkleburg.

It's Dorpenberger.

No shit?

Wow... The house that horny built.

The Waif and the Whip, Sir Colton the Hung.

Queen stud.

God no! I wouldn't touch that deal

with a dollar-store dildo.

Okay. Eat shit, Jason.

Alex!

Brienne Bishop.

I loved your book.

Um, hi, actually I'm Alex.

[ Retches ]

Sorry. I assumed "Alex" was a woman.

The description of love-making was so tender and feminine.

But you said you loved the book.

Here's The Deal: there's no market

for an erotic novel written by a man.

Let alone one who looks like a werewolf

that didn't finish transforming.

Our female audience wants erotica from someone

who makes them feel safe.

An E.L. James, a J.Q. Guintel,

anyone, anyone with two initials

who doesn't immediately make them vomit.

That's how you get on Ophira's Book Club.

Wait a second! What if we put your face on the book.

But I didn't write this book.

But you encouraged me. Think about it.

You could go to fancy literary parties.

You could meet Ophira!

Oh, now!

You had me at "you could meet Ophira."

Perfect. We can call you--

A...P...LaPearle!

Stop. A novel of hot Viking erotica

by an older black lady named A.P. LaPearle?

Now that I could sell.

[ Applause ]

[ Clears throat ] The "Rigid Helmet..."

chapter four.

"The journey across the frozen highlands

had been treacherous..."

[ Groans ]

With no fire, I fear we shall freeze.

The only fire we need -- is the fire in our loins.

Oh my! We know what that means!

[ Laughter ]

"Saveria guided Rothgar to her glowing embers.

[ Horse whinnies ]

Closer, closer, 'til her body quaked in ecstasy

and she screamed --"

"Valhallaaaaaaa!"

They loved you!

Oh, please.

You're the book, I'm just the jacket.

You practically got that crowd pregnant!

Alex, you sex pig, start typing.

I want five more of these disgusting, beautiful books.

And I want you on a book tour.

Ooh! But I can't go without Alex.

Sure, Alex can be your "assistant." Whatever.

A.P. LaPearle is about to become the Stephen King of books.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

For the next reading, should I do one scarf or two?

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you. everybody!

It's from Brienne! "Great news, perverts!

Ophira read "The Rigid Helmet" and slid off her chair!

We're talking book club, you freaks!"

Oooh, it's happening for me!

Technically, it's happening for me.

Mm-hmm. Sure, sure. We need that book.

You keep typing. I'll care of this.

[ Grunts ]

Ooh, it's from Washington State.

[ Grunts ]

Honestly, the pages just come to me.

It doesn't even feel like work. [ Laughs ]

I love how humble she is.

Ooh, ooh, tell them!

You know what, I'm gonna tell them --

She's going to be on Ophira tomorrow!

Reading from her new work.

[ Crowd gasps ]

Oh, I'd give up my stepson's Yale admission to get on Ophira.

My stepson got into Yale.

What's the new book about?

This one's about the eternal schism

between the carnal and the divine,

set against the Jute conquest of the sixth century.

A.P., who is this werewolf and why

is he answering questions about your next book?

[ Stammers ]

They can not know he wrote this book!

Because he's my nosy assistant.

Carry on assisting, assistant.

The writers are talking.

[ Laughter ]

And get me a pomegranate La Croix!

And pull your pants up!

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Today we've got A.P. LaPearle!

She's going to read from her new book,

"The Throbbing Speeeeear!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, where the hell is your assistant?

I think I may have gone too far last night.

[ Door opens ]

Finally! She's about to go on.

Give her the new pages.

No. I'm gonna read them.

Oh, the frig you are, buddy!

I'm doing all of the work,

it's time I got some of the recognition.

Alex, what's the matter?

You're the book and I'm the jacket, remember?

Not anymore.

Either I read these pages, or the pages and I walk.

Okay, bye. Uh, wait, I di--

You don't think I have a backup plan?

Harlot House designed an A.I. that analyzed your novel

and every Wikipedia page about Vikings,

and it generated a sequel that is absolutely thigh-quaking.

And you are fired.

♪♪

Who's ready for some Viking roooomaaance?

Please give a warm welcome to my new best friend,

A.P. LaaaPeeeearle!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Come on, Ma, where are you?

I don't know, this doesn't feel right without Alex.

Pearle, your idol Ophira is out there,

waiting to talk to you.

You're the magic behind A.P. LaPearle,

not Alex Dunkleberg.

It's Dorpenberger.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Who wants to get hooooorny?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ahem.

"The Throbbing Spear," chapter one.

[ Cheers and applause ]

"Rothgar and Saveria

leaned against the mast of their ship..."

Ooh. I was afraid I'd never feel your longsword again.

There is no sea that can keep us apart.

For we Vikings are a seafaring people who during the 8th

to 11th century explored wide areas of Europe

and sailed as far West as Newfoundland.

"'Oh my God,' Rothgar whispered,

referring to Odin, the Norse God.

Then 4.92 milliliters of his seed flowed,

and Saveria savored it like a typical Viking meal of meat

and vegetables stewed in a soapstone pot."

No! These are not the words of A.P. LaPearle!

Get this lunatic out of here!

This isn't right.

Ophira, I'm sorry.

A.P. LaPearle didn't write this book

because A.P. LaPearle doesn't exist!

Alex, get up here!

What is happennnnnning?

[ Grunts ]

I'm sorry.

Go on and show 'em.

Be the book and the jacket.

Thank you.

He wrote it.

[ Retches ]

[ Audience retching ]

[ All retching ]

You lied to my viewers.

I...require...

vengeaaaaance!

They're in a horny rage!

♪♪

Say something sexual!

Um, supple flesh?

Dewey thighs!

Engorged member.

Insistent thrusting!

Nipple!

♪♪

[ Alarm ringing ]

♪♪

From beneath the pile of bodies a hand shot out!

Saveria gasped.

The Gods had answered her cries.

Rothgar was alive.

And rock hard. The end."

Oooh! Alex, that gave me the ol' gooseflesh!

Thanks for sharing your sequel with me.

Turns out the only fan I needed was you, Pearle.

Yeah. We chose friendship over money, like a couple idiots.

Okay, up top.

[ Glass shatters ] Alright, that's enough.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪