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1
00:00:01,159 --> 00:00:04,169
♪♪
2
00:00:04,190 --> 00:00:07,140
[ Alex, Bridgette grunting ]
3
00:00:08,150 --> 00:00:11,160
Why'd you put our box of stuff
so high up?
4
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:14,079
What photo could possibly
be worth this?
5
00:00:14,099 --> 00:00:16,029
It's the one they took on
the Legoland roller coaster
6
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:18,060
where I'm rocking
amazing bangs.
7
00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:21,099
I have to post it
for Throwback Thursday.
8
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,170
[ Grunts ]
9
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:25,110
[ Gasps ] Oh,
the Brewins bar.
10
00:00:25,129 --> 00:00:27,029
Yeah, from the night
we first met.
11
00:00:27,050 --> 00:00:29,010
I thought
you were so hot.
12
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:31,100
When you said hi,
I saw fireworks.
13
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,060
Uh, let's reminisce
a little faster!
14
00:00:33,079 --> 00:00:36,059
What the hell?!
Our divorce papers?!
15
00:00:37,119 --> 00:00:39,169
You said you signed these
over a year ago!
16
00:00:39,189 --> 00:00:42,069
[ Grunts ] I must have
gotten distracted!
17
00:00:42,090 --> 00:00:44,110
You know we're in
a golden age of TV.
18
00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:46,140
So we're still married?
19
00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,149
You need to let go
and sign these!
20
00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:50,120
[ Both grunting ]
21
00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:51,160
Aah!
22
00:00:51,179 --> 00:00:54,019
[ Slow motion ] No!
23
00:00:54,039 --> 00:00:56,059
No!
24
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,230
[ Groans ]
25
00:01:01,009 --> 00:01:07,109
♪♪
26
00:01:07,129 --> 00:01:13,189
♪♪
27
00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:15,230
I can't believe you never signed
your divorce papers.
28
00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,120
It's got these cool stickers
that tell you where to do it
and everything!
29
00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:21,120
I always had this hope that
I could fix the relationship.
30
00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:23,190
I guess it's time to destroy
that hope with alcohol.
31
00:01:23,210 --> 00:01:26,100
Dude, is that that moonshine
we made in college?
32
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,000
Yeah, I just found it
in the garage.
33
00:01:28,019 --> 00:01:31,119
Plus the blues record
we got the recipe from.
34
00:01:31,140 --> 00:01:36,030
♪ If drowning your sorrows
is what you seek ♪
35
00:01:36,049 --> 00:01:40,129
♪ Got a hooch so strong,
it'll knock ya into next week ♪
36
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:42,140
I could trace it back
to one day, Josh.
37
00:01:42,159 --> 00:01:44,139
One night I made myself
this sando.
38
00:01:44,159 --> 00:01:47,019
Stepped away
for one second.
39
00:01:47,039 --> 00:01:50,159
When I came back, Bridgette
had scarfed the whole thing.
40
00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:54,090
We got in a huge fight,
and I said I wish we never met.
41
00:01:54,109 --> 00:01:56,189
The next day, she asked me
for a divorce.
42
00:01:56,210 --> 00:01:59,230
If I could just go back
and stop that fight...
43
00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:02,180
♪ Think of a memory
and take a shot ♪
44
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,060
To the sandwich!
45
00:02:04,079 --> 00:02:07,099
♪ Well, that's the era, baby,
you'll be brought ♪
46
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:10,020
You know what?
Tastes pretty good.
47
00:02:10,039 --> 00:02:12,179
[ Both screaming ]
48
00:02:14,189 --> 00:02:16,179
[ Both grunt ]
49
00:02:16,199 --> 00:02:19,059
Aah! What the hell
just happened?!
50
00:02:19,079 --> 00:02:22,139
Hey, does your room
seem different?
51
00:02:24,009 --> 00:02:28,139
July 21, 1969?
52
00:02:28,159 --> 00:02:32,049
[ Gasps ] My God.
We've traveled through time...
53
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:36,049
to three years ago, when I got
into collecting '60s stuff!
54
00:02:36,069 --> 00:02:38,189
Wait, "Time Hooch."
The whiskey did this.
55
00:02:38,210 --> 00:02:40,120
"Think of a memory
and take a shot.
56
00:02:40,139 --> 00:02:41,999
That's the era
you'll be brought."
57
00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:44,170
So the whiskey recipe
is actually a recipe
58
00:02:44,189 --> 00:02:46,189
for time travel!
59
00:02:46,210 --> 00:02:49,180
"Rye, barley,
a dead man's pocket watch
60
00:02:49,199 --> 00:02:52,049
mixed at the crossroads
under a full moon."
61
00:02:52,069 --> 00:02:55,079
Okay, yeah, we should
have seen this coming.
62
00:02:55,099 --> 00:02:59,059
Whoa! Remember when we used
to keep the couch over there?
63
00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:00,159
So trippy.
64
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,100
Hide!
65
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,220
Holy crap.
Slightly younger us's.
66
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,180
[ Snickers ]
Look how dumb we looked.
67
00:03:06,199 --> 00:03:09,999
See you guys later. I'm gonna go
see the new Kevin Spacey movie.
68
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:12,210
Nice!
That guy can do no wrong.
69
00:03:12,229 --> 00:03:14,059
[ Both inhale sharply ]
70
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:18,080
I'm gonna go make myself
a big old I-talian sando.
71
00:03:18,099 --> 00:03:20,089
This is the day
of the big sando fight!
72
00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:22,040
If I can prevent that
from happening,
73
00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,220
I can save
my marriage.
74
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,220
Okay,
when I leave the room,
75
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,140
Bridgette comes in
and eats my sando.
76
00:03:27,159 --> 00:03:29,019
That's when
the argument starts.
77
00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:31,029
Then let's hide the sandwich
so she doesn't see it,
78
00:03:31,050 --> 00:03:33,050
then put it back.
79
00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:36,120
[ Gasps ]
80
00:03:37,159 --> 00:03:39,069
Dude!
You made it super oily.
81
00:03:39,090 --> 00:03:41,040
How else do you
lock in the flavor?
82
00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:43,230
[ Both grunting ]
83
00:03:44,009 --> 00:03:45,129
Aah!
84
00:03:45,150 --> 00:03:47,000
Hide!
85
00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:49,060
Uh, Bridge,
where's my sando?
86
00:03:49,079 --> 00:03:50,199
Bridgette: What are you
talking about?
87
00:03:50,219 --> 00:03:52,069
My sandwich!
It's gone!
88
00:03:52,090 --> 00:03:54,120
Alex, I didn't
touch your sandwich!
89
00:03:54,139 --> 00:03:57,139
Oh, so I suppose it just
flew out the window!
90
00:03:57,159 --> 00:03:59,029
Look, I don't know
what's up with you,
91
00:03:59,050 --> 00:04:02,020
but you're being a jerk.
-Oh, I'm being a jerk?!
92
00:04:02,039 --> 00:04:05,229
-Ugh!
-Okay, well, guess what!
93
00:04:06,009 --> 00:04:08,209
I wish we never --
94
00:04:08,229 --> 00:04:10,189
-Ooh!
-What the hell?!
95
00:04:10,210 --> 00:04:12,160
Shh!
I'm you from the future.
96
00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:17,000
Yeah, right. Here's a question
only I would know.
97
00:04:17,019 --> 00:04:19,139
What year were you born?
-1982.
98
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,190
Holy shit!
You really are me.
99
00:04:22,209 --> 00:04:25,029
Hey, you've been
keeping it tight.
100
00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:26,200
Alex,
I hate to say this,
101
00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:29,140
but you gotta let
this sando thing go.
102
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,160
This fight leads to
the destruction of our marriage.
103
00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:35,130
Really? But we've been off
the rails for a while now.
104
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,219
Remember that argument we had
at Candice's birthday party?
105
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,020
Oh, yeah. That's when things
really got tense.
106
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,180
You know what?
We got to go back there.
107
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,199
Why didn't we just go back there
in the first place?
108
00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:46,080
We had a lot of fights,
okay?
109
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:47,200
Hey, you wanna
come with us?
[ Footsteps approaching ]
110
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,230
Bridgette's coming!
We gotta drink!
111
00:04:50,009 --> 00:04:53,119
♪♪
112
00:04:53,139 --> 00:04:55,039
[ All screaming ]
113
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:57,140
[ All grunt ]
114
00:04:57,159 --> 00:04:59,019
Blow 'em out, Candice.
115
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,210
Oof. I could not deal
with monsters like these.
116
00:05:01,230 --> 00:05:05,170
Yeah, the whole parenting thing
would not be a good look for us.
117
00:05:05,189 --> 00:05:07,219
Oh, so you think
I'd be a bad father?
118
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,010
What? No.
You just said that.
119
00:05:10,029 --> 00:05:12,029
But you're not exactly
disagreeing with it!
120
00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:13,180
Ugh, I can't
deal with you.
121
00:05:13,199 --> 00:05:16,009
Oh, you can't
deal with me?
122
00:05:16,029 --> 00:05:17,119
Well, actually --
123
00:05:17,139 --> 00:05:19,049
What the hell?!
124
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:21,079
Shh! Shh!
We're you from the future.
125
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:24,010
What? No way.
When were you born?
126
00:05:24,029 --> 00:05:25,059
Both: 1982.
127
00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:26,149
Ha ha! Oh, you are me!
128
00:05:26,170 --> 00:05:28,080
Wow, you both look fit.
129
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:30,050
Listen, the fight
you were about to have
130
00:05:30,069 --> 00:05:32,019
leads directly
to our divorce.
131
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,110
Are you sure about that?
132
00:05:33,129 --> 00:05:35,999
I mean, this fight is really
just a continuation
133
00:05:36,019 --> 00:05:37,199
of the one from
Bridgette's aunt's funeral.
134
00:05:37,220 --> 00:05:39,150
I said her dead aunt
looked like Michael Shannon.
135
00:05:39,170 --> 00:05:42,010
I mean,
I wasn't wrong.
136
00:05:42,029 --> 00:05:43,059
Up top!
137
00:05:43,079 --> 00:05:44,149
[ Grunts ]
138
00:05:44,170 --> 00:05:47,030
You just forget
these precious moments.
139
00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:49,030
Josh, stop
living in the past!
140
00:05:49,050 --> 00:05:51,050
We have to travel back
to three weeks ago.
141
00:05:51,069 --> 00:05:54,019
♪ You shredded
the space-time continuum ♪
142
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,050
♪ Now what you gonna do? ♪
143
00:05:56,069 --> 00:05:58,099
♪ Now, take a drink ♪
144
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,110
♪ And meet the past ♪
145
00:06:00,129 --> 00:06:03,089
♪ But watch your step,
or you'll ♪
146
00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:05,100
♪ Unleash an endless series
of consequences ♪
147
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:08,050
♪ That may prove to be worse
than the original problem ♪
148
00:06:08,069 --> 00:06:09,219
♪ You were hoping to solve ♪
149
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,100
♪ You know what I mean? ♪
150
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,220
♪ I mean, it's right there
in your face, man ♪
151
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,110
♪ Dum, dum-dum dum-dum ♪
152
00:06:16,129 --> 00:06:18,029
♪ Dum, dum-dum ♪
153
00:06:18,050 --> 00:06:20,030
♪ Before you take it,
stop and think ♪
154
00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:23,100
♪ Is changing history
worth a drink? ♪
155
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,130
♪ That's right,
you better think about it ♪
156
00:06:25,149 --> 00:06:27,999
♪ You better put that
drink aside for now ♪
157
00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:30,159
Man, how many fights
did you and Bridgette have?
158
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:32,030
More than I remembered.
159
00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:34,170
Wait, this is where I meet her
for the first time.
160
00:06:34,189 --> 00:06:36,229
But we didn't fight that night.
-Don't you see?
161
00:06:37,009 --> 00:06:39,019
Stopping all these fights
doesn't change anything.
162
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,070
We're still gonna lose our job,
get divorced, live in a closet.
163
00:06:42,090 --> 00:06:46,110
We live in a closet?
Wow, sucks to be me.
164
00:06:46,129 --> 00:06:49,099
The only way to fix our lives
once and for all...
165
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,140
[ Gasps ]
166
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:53,129
...is to stop me
from meeting Bridgette.
167
00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:56,209
So if I never meet Bridgette,
she'll never end up
168
00:06:56,230 --> 00:06:58,060
in my class at UCLA,
169
00:06:58,079 --> 00:06:59,209
I'll never get fired
for dating a student,
170
00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:02,040
and I won't end up a broke,
divorced loser
171
00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:03,140
living in a closet.
172
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,190
I'll get my life back.
173
00:07:04,209 --> 00:07:07,039
We'll get
all of our lives back.
174
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,010
Uh, they're twins.
175
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:12,009
There she is.
176
00:07:13,019 --> 00:07:14,999
[ Gasps ]
177
00:07:15,019 --> 00:07:24,059
♪♪
178
00:07:24,079 --> 00:07:27,209
There!
Hunk -- dead ahead.
179
00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:29,200
We've got to stop him
from seeing Bridgette.
180
00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:31,130
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can't.
181
00:07:31,149 --> 00:07:34,059
All I wanted was to fix
our relationship, not erase it.
182
00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:35,169
What the hell are you
talking about?!
183
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:37,079
This is our chance
to have a normal life.
184
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:39,110
But that's a life
without Bridgette.
185
00:07:39,129 --> 00:07:42,159
Look, I'm the oldest Alex here
and, therefore, the wisest.
186
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:45,210
And I can see now that however
crappy my life turned out,
187
00:07:45,230 --> 00:07:48,060
it's not because of her.
188
00:07:48,079 --> 00:07:50,089
It's...
189
00:07:50,110 --> 00:07:52,060
It's because of me.
190
00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:56,109
And me and me
and definitely me.
191
00:07:56,129 --> 00:07:58,179
No way, hot stuff.
We're doing this.
192
00:07:58,199 --> 00:08:01,169
Yeah, sorry handsome.
It's nine against one.
193
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,179
Wait!
194
00:08:03,199 --> 00:08:07,099
You're gonna have to
go through me first.
195
00:08:09,009 --> 00:08:11,069
[ Grunting ]
196
00:08:13,110 --> 00:08:14,180
Come on, Josh!
197
00:08:14,199 --> 00:08:16,199
We can't let them stop me
from meeting Bridgette.
198
00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:18,070
Take that, Alex!
199
00:08:18,089 --> 00:08:19,219
Ow!
200
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,030
Body blow, uppercut,
roundhouse kick!
201
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,220
Oh, no, I don't!
202
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,190
Ow!
203
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:38,099
♪♪
204
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,040
Alex, I just want you
to know...
205
00:08:41,059 --> 00:08:42,179
I got to pee so bad!
206
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:45,090
Aah!
207
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,100
Hey, barkeep.
You got any craft beers?
208
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,150
Maybe a double IPA?
209
00:08:49,169 --> 00:08:50,199
Hey.
210
00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:52,020
I'm Bridgette.
211
00:08:52,039 --> 00:08:53,069
I'm Alex.
212
00:08:53,090 --> 00:08:55,180
Wow.
Fireworks.
213
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,100
Yes!
214
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,170
♪♪
215
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:01,210
Josh, look out!
216
00:09:01,230 --> 00:09:04,130
♪♪
217
00:09:04,149 --> 00:09:06,169
[ Both grunt ]
218
00:09:07,169 --> 00:09:09,189
Oh, man, we're way
in the future!
219
00:09:09,210 --> 00:09:11,100
And we're all out
of Time Hooch.
220
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,220
What are we gonna do?
221
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,060
Alert! Alert!
222
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:17,010
These two humanoids
must be neutered and chipped.
223
00:09:18,159 --> 00:09:20,009
[ Both scream ]
224
00:09:20,029 --> 00:09:29,129
♪♪
225
00:09:29,149 --> 00:09:30,189
Whoa!
226
00:09:30,210 --> 00:09:33,050
-Get in, Dicktaints!
-Dicktaints?
227
00:09:33,070 --> 00:09:35,130
That's how we say "dudes"
in the future.
228
00:09:35,149 --> 00:09:38,019
-Cool.
-Dicktaints.
229
00:09:38,039 --> 00:09:44,209
♪♪
230
00:09:44,230 --> 00:09:46,160
Thanks for the ride!
-Sure.
231
00:09:46,179 --> 00:09:49,179
P.S. -- "Dicktaints"
still means dicktaints.
232
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,010
[ Laughs ]
233
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:54,190
Oh, man,
they got us so good.
234
00:09:54,210 --> 00:09:56,110
[ Chuckles ]
Dicktaints!
235
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,009
It's time
to let go of the past.
236
00:09:58,029 --> 00:09:59,099
[ Grunts ] Sign.
237
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,200
Sticker there.
Sticker there, too.
238
00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:04,120
Geez, what happened?
Are you okay?
239
00:10:04,139 --> 00:10:07,089
I'm better than okay.
Here.
240
00:10:07,110 --> 00:10:09,220
Oh, you signed?
What changed?
241
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:15,000
Well, I guess you could say
it was...time.
242
00:10:15,019 --> 00:10:19,139
Okay, a lot of emphasis on
the word "time," but thank you.
243
00:10:21,110 --> 00:10:26,110
♪♪
244
00:10:26,129 --> 00:10:28,199
Well, huh.
What do you, uh --
245
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:30,130
What do you guys think
we should do now?
246
00:10:30,149 --> 00:10:33,229
I mean, there's
one obvious option.
247
00:10:35,110 --> 00:10:38,060
-So fit.
-Ooh, yeah, the forbidden fruit.
248
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,110
-Mm! So jacked.
-I wanna touch it.
249
00:10:40,129 --> 00:10:41,999
I'm gonna touch it.
250
00:10:42,019 --> 00:10:49,099
♪♪
251
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,170
[ Beeping ]
252
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:54,140
Insert its DNA
into the embryo.
253
00:10:54,159 --> 00:10:57,009
Congratulations, gentlemen.
254
00:10:57,029 --> 00:10:59,189
We're going to clone
a Neanderthal!
255
00:10:59,210 --> 00:11:03,120
[ Laughs maniacally ]
256
00:11:07,169 --> 00:11:08,229
[ Guitar strums ]
257
00:11:09,009 --> 00:11:10,059
♪ Good morning ♪
258
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,140
♪ Good morning ♪
259
00:11:11,159 --> 00:11:13,179
-♪ How are you?
-♪ Just fine ♪
260
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:19,140
♪ It's so wonderful
to be with you today ♪
261
00:11:19,159 --> 00:11:22,039
Wow,
am I Mr. Adam Levine?
262
00:11:22,059 --> 00:11:24,149
Because you kids
have the voice.
263
00:11:24,169 --> 00:11:26,099
[ Laughter ]
264
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,010
Good morning, children.
265
00:11:28,029 --> 00:11:29,179
Mr. Campbell,
can I have a moment?
266
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,060
Certainly,
Principal Becket.
267
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,180
I'd like you to meet
River Lake,
268
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,100
our school's
new music teacher.
269
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,010
Well, enchanté!
270
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,229
Bienvenue to chamomile.
271
00:11:39,009 --> 00:11:40,149
Oh! Thank you!
272
00:11:40,169 --> 00:11:42,039
Everyone says
she's the best.
273
00:11:42,059 --> 00:11:45,089
She'll visit your class
every Tuesday and Thursday.
274
00:11:45,110 --> 00:11:48,030
These kids can be a bit shy
with strangers.
275
00:11:48,049 --> 00:11:50,089
But don't worry,
I'll warm them up for you.
276
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,210
[ Slurps ]
-Mm.
277
00:11:52,230 --> 00:11:54,140
What an empowering mug.
278
00:11:54,159 --> 00:11:57,159
Oh, this? It was a gift
from the children.
279
00:11:57,179 --> 00:11:59,169
Attención, class.
280
00:11:59,190 --> 00:12:01,200
I'd like you to meet
our new music teacher.
281
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:04,080
Her name is Ms. Lake, and --
-Hello, kindergarten!
282
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:07,190
I'm River Lake.
If you know this one,
let me hear you sing along!
283
00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:11,110
♪ The more we say good morning,
good morning, good morning ♪
284
00:12:11,129 --> 00:12:15,149
♪ The more we say good morning,
the awesomer we'll be ♪
285
00:12:17,090 --> 00:12:18,210
[ Chimes ring ]
286
00:12:18,230 --> 00:12:22,190
♪ With Dashiell and Emma
and Candice and Winnie ♪
287
00:12:22,210 --> 00:12:24,220
She knows our names!
288
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,150
[ Drumming ]
289
00:12:26,169 --> 00:12:28,079
When I say "good,"
you say "morning."
290
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:29,140
Good!
-Morning!
291
00:12:29,159 --> 00:12:31,199
-Good!
-Morning!
292
00:12:31,220 --> 00:12:34,130
[ Guitar playing ]
293
00:12:35,169 --> 00:12:38,109
Children: Yeah!
294
00:12:38,129 --> 00:12:42,199
Oh, fu-u-u-u-n.
295
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:49,080
♪♪
296
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:55,210
♪♪
297
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:58,200
-Good morning, Mr. Campbell.
-Good morning!
298
00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:01,220
What do you say, Candice?
Are you ready to carpe
that diem?
299
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,210
[ Bicycle bell dings ]
-Mom! That's her! That's her!
300
00:13:04,230 --> 00:13:06,210
So that's the Ms. Lake?
301
00:13:06,230 --> 00:13:09,080
She has us just call her
"River."
302
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,000
Isn't that cool, Emily?
303
00:13:11,019 --> 00:13:13,189
Nope, we don't do that.
She's just been going on and on
304
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:15,130
about River
these last few days.
305
00:13:15,149 --> 00:13:17,079
Hmm, yeah?
That's neat.
306
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,040
[ Drumming ]
307
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:23,089
Rhythm is a language,
and you guys are speakin' it!
308
00:13:23,110 --> 00:13:25,210
Tell me somethin', Esme!
309
00:13:25,230 --> 00:13:28,020
What's the good word, Candice?
310
00:13:28,039 --> 00:13:31,209
Uh, yes!
You guys, feel that groove!
311
00:13:31,230 --> 00:13:36,110
Oh, I feel it!
Dr. Jam in da house!
312
00:13:36,129 --> 00:13:40,189
And Dr. Jam says
y'all need to floss!
313
00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:43,040
Gotta floss err'y day!
314
00:13:43,059 --> 00:13:44,149
This feels racist.
315
00:13:44,169 --> 00:13:46,169
Come on, class,
keep the beat!
316
00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:48,210
You go, Mr. Campbell!
-Thanks.
317
00:13:48,230 --> 00:13:50,100
Oh, and it's Dr. Jam.
318
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,190
[ Laughs ]
319
00:13:51,210 --> 00:13:53,210
Whoa!
[ Children scream ]
320
00:13:53,230 --> 00:13:56,220
It's all right!
Myrtle is okay!
321
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,140
See guys?
[ All screaming ]
322
00:13:58,159 --> 00:14:00,109
Oh, God, blood.
323
00:14:01,230 --> 00:14:04,040
Mm. [ Clears throat ]
324
00:14:04,059 --> 00:14:05,139
What?
325
00:14:05,159 --> 00:14:07,159
Oh, look, he's awake!
326
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,069
How are you feeling,
Mr. Campbell?
327
00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,150
Um, I'm okay.
I just, um...
328
00:14:11,169 --> 00:14:13,009
It's 2:30?!
329
00:14:13,029 --> 00:14:15,019
You've been with them
the whole day?
330
00:14:15,039 --> 00:14:17,059
[ Gasps ]
-Oh, I stitched you up.
331
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,140
Don't you worry, we've been
having so much fun together.
332
00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,059
River taught us how to read!
333
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,230
[ Chuckles ] Very funny,
Candice.
334
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:26,160
What?
335
00:14:26,179 --> 00:14:28,029
Even Ethan?
336
00:14:28,049 --> 00:14:31,059
Shh! Yo, I got to find out
if that dude eats the ham.
337
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,100
Okay, class,
that's it for today.
338
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,000
All: Ohh!
339
00:14:35,019 --> 00:14:38,119
Oh, it's all right.
I'll see you again on Thursday.
340
00:14:38,139 --> 00:14:40,109
Aw!
341
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:43,189
Girl:
We love you, River.
342
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:46,180
-Oh, God.
-You're pathetic.
343
00:14:47,230 --> 00:14:50,130
-Who said that?
-Over here.
344
00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:54,110
-[ Gasps ]
-Look at you, Campbell.
345
00:14:54,129 --> 00:14:56,199
These kids used to love you.
Now?
346
00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:58,190
You're the world's
greatest nothing!
347
00:14:58,210 --> 00:15:00,020
That's not true!
348
00:15:00,039 --> 00:15:02,169
Th-That's not true?
Oh, cut the shit!
349
00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:04,230
This River Lake has made
a fool out of you.
350
00:15:05,009 --> 00:15:06,159
Well, what was I
supposed to do?
351
00:15:06,179 --> 00:15:07,219
She has perfect pitch
352
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,120
and this casual retro-chic style
that just --
353
00:15:10,139 --> 00:15:11,189
-[ Spits ]
-Ow!
354
00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:13,140
Shut up and listen,
you little bitch!
355
00:15:13,159 --> 00:15:15,069
Do you want to get back
to being everyone's
356
00:15:15,090 --> 00:15:18,070
favorite teacher or not?
-Yes, of course I do!
357
00:15:18,090 --> 00:15:20,160
Then you have to
crush her.
358
00:15:20,179 --> 00:15:23,189
♪♪
359
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,030
Ha.
360
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:28,059
Yes. Sip of me.
361
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,020
Sip my ass!
362
00:15:30,039 --> 00:15:33,089
Okay, who's ready
for a musical parade?
363
00:15:33,110 --> 00:15:34,190
All: Me!
364
00:15:34,210 --> 00:15:37,140
All right! I'll give you each
an instrument and --
365
00:15:37,159 --> 00:15:39,159
[ Gasping ]
366
00:15:39,179 --> 00:15:42,009
Oh, my God!
What happened?
367
00:15:42,029 --> 00:15:44,079
The instruments,
they're all broken.
368
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:46,050
What? Oh, no!
369
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,200
You know what? I bet those
punk fifth-graders did this.
370
00:15:48,220 --> 00:15:51,180
Well, I guess music class
will have to be canceled today.
371
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,060
Oh, no. No, no, no.
372
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:57,200
The only instrument we need
is right here.
373
00:15:57,220 --> 00:16:02,060
[ Beatboxing ]
374
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:06,040
[ Vocalizing ]
375
00:16:06,059 --> 00:16:08,049
[ Vocalizing ]
376
00:16:08,070 --> 00:16:11,200
[ All vocalizing ]
377
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,000
[ Vocalizing continues ]
378
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:22,039
I think we've got a front-runner
for teacher of the year!
379
00:16:23,169 --> 00:16:25,009
[ Chuckles ]
380
00:16:25,029 --> 00:16:26,189
Oh, see you all
next time!
381
00:16:26,210 --> 00:16:30,030
Thank you so much for sharing
your heart songs with me.
382
00:16:30,049 --> 00:16:34,089
[ Sighs ] Was that all you got,
you man-bunned little bitch?
383
00:16:34,110 --> 00:16:35,140
E-Excuse me?
384
00:16:35,159 --> 00:16:37,089
Busting up
my instruments?
385
00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:39,010
I ought to
rip your dick off.
386
00:16:39,029 --> 00:16:40,189
I don't know what
you're talking about.
387
00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:42,030
Oh, please, Campbell.
388
00:16:42,049 --> 00:16:43,099
You think you're
the first teacher
389
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,030
who tried to
Nancy Kerrigan me?
390
00:16:45,049 --> 00:16:46,099
I've got dual
masters degrees
391
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,100
in music
and early childhood education.
392
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,180
I can drum circles around
your Montessori bullshit.
393
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,100
Big talk from someone who
only teaches two days a week.
394
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,070
Oh, I'm gonna
be full-time.
395
00:16:57,090 --> 00:17:00,070
In fact, maybe
I'll take your job.
396
00:17:00,090 --> 00:17:03,090
You...frickin' --
Crap!
397
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,130
[ School bell rings ]
398
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:08,180
Um, River, we're hosting
a barbecue tomorrow
399
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,020
in honor
of my losing my first tooth.
400
00:17:11,039 --> 00:17:12,199
Would you like to come
and sing,
401
00:17:12,220 --> 00:17:15,220
since you're the best singer
in the whole world?
402
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,040
Sweetie, I'm sure Ms. Lake
is really busy on the weekends.
403
00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:23,059
Candice, I would love to sing
at your rite of passage.
404
00:17:23,079 --> 00:17:26,149
Yeah-ha-ha!
She said yes!
405
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:29,030
[ All cheering ]
406
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,019
♪♪
407
00:17:31,039 --> 00:17:32,199
[ Hums ]
408
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:34,230
[ Chuckles ]
[ Bicycle bell rings ]
409
00:17:35,009 --> 00:17:37,009
Unh!
410
00:17:37,029 --> 00:17:39,179
[ Sobbing ]
411
00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:41,210
Ow!
412
00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:43,210
You don't deserve to
drink piss out of me!
413
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:46,170
You've never been invited
to a kid's house.
414
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,220
Now she's gonna
sing at one.
415
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,160
She -- She's a fake!
A phony!
416
00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:54,110
It's time to strap on your dick
and end this!
417
00:17:54,130 --> 00:17:56,020
♪♪
418
00:17:56,039 --> 00:17:58,089
[ Vehicle approaches,
brakes squeal ]
419
00:17:58,109 --> 00:18:00,219
♪♪
420
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,110
Okay.
421
00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:04,020
[ Laughs maniacally ]
422
00:18:04,039 --> 00:18:07,139
Neighbor: Hey! Cut those
brake lines quieter!
423
00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:11,130
I'd like to try that.
424
00:18:11,150 --> 00:18:13,180
So, how do you
know Candice?
425
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,220
What?
426
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,110
Mom, where's River?
427
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:18,060
She promised
she'd come and sing.
428
00:18:18,079 --> 00:18:19,149
I don't know, sweetie.
429
00:18:19,170 --> 00:18:21,200
But if you want, I could
get my guitar and sing.
430
00:18:21,220 --> 00:18:26,000
Ew. I promised my friends
something cool -- a teacher.
431
00:18:26,019 --> 00:18:27,159
Ding-dong!
[ Chuckles ]
432
00:18:27,180 --> 00:18:30,210
Mr. Campbell? Uh, hi.
What are you --
433
00:18:30,230 --> 00:18:32,230
I was just in the neighborhood
and thought Ms. Lake
434
00:18:33,009 --> 00:18:35,049
might need this
for her big performance.
435
00:18:35,069 --> 00:18:36,109
She didn't come.
436
00:18:36,130 --> 00:18:38,030
Wait, what?
437
00:18:38,049 --> 00:18:40,179
She blew off
your barbecue?
438
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:45,000
I guess there's some teachers in
this world you just can't trust!
439
00:18:45,019 --> 00:18:50,029
Wait a second. I just happen
to have my karaoke machine.
440
00:18:50,049 --> 00:18:54,039
Candice, how would you like it
if I sang?
441
00:18:54,059 --> 00:18:56,229
-Uh, no tha--
-Yay, this worked out
for everyone!
442
00:18:57,009 --> 00:18:58,129
Children, gather round!
443
00:18:58,150 --> 00:19:01,060
Criss-cross applesauce,
por favor.
444
00:19:01,079 --> 00:19:04,059
♪♪
445
00:19:04,079 --> 00:19:06,189
Grace and greetings.
I'm Mr. Camp--
446
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:09,030
-River! You came!
-[ Gasps ]
-Hi!
447
00:19:09,049 --> 00:19:12,059
Oh, Candice,
I am so sorry I'm late.
448
00:19:12,079 --> 00:19:14,029
I just came from
the hospital.
449
00:19:14,049 --> 00:19:16,009
-Oh, God, are you okay?
-I'm fine.
450
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:18,039
I loaned my bike to my neighbor
this morning,
451
00:19:18,059 --> 00:19:19,999
and he got into
a terrible accident.
452
00:19:20,019 --> 00:19:22,059
He's gonna be okay, though.
And even better,
453
00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:24,999
he and his doctor
fell in love!
454
00:19:25,019 --> 00:19:26,199
All: Aw!
455
00:19:26,220 --> 00:19:28,100
Mr. Campbell,
456
00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:31,069
thank you so much
for warming them up.
457
00:19:31,089 --> 00:19:34,209
♪♪
458
00:19:34,230 --> 00:19:36,100
Finish her!
459
00:19:37,069 --> 00:19:40,179
Okay, kids, whoever sings better
gets to stay as your teacher,
460
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,110
and the other has to drive out
to the desert to die.
461
00:19:43,130 --> 00:19:44,160
Bring it.
462
00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:46,100
It's a teacher sing-off!
463
00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:48,209
♪ I believe the children
are our future ♪
464
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,100
No, I do!
465
00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:53,189
♪ Teach them well,
and let them lead the way ♪
466
00:19:53,210 --> 00:19:59,000
♪ Show them all the beauty
they possess inside ♪
467
00:19:59,019 --> 00:20:03,129
♪ G-G-G-G-Give them
a sense of pride ♪
468
00:20:03,150 --> 00:20:05,220
♪ A lonely place to be ♪
469
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,170
♪ And so I learned
to depend on me ♪
470
00:20:08,190 --> 00:20:10,200
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
471
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:12,190
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yow ♪
472
00:20:12,210 --> 00:20:14,210
♪ N-N-N-N-N-N-N-No,
no, no, no, no, no ♪
473
00:20:14,230 --> 00:20:18,020
I can't believe this.
♪ Eeeeeeeh ♪
474
00:20:18,039 --> 00:20:20,189
♪ Caw, caw, c-c-caw ♪
475
00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:29,230
Both: ♪ Can't take away
my dignity-y-y-y ♪
476
00:20:30,009 --> 00:20:32,039
Yeah!
That was so great!
477
00:20:32,059 --> 00:20:34,049
Maybe we do work
better together.
478
00:20:34,069 --> 00:20:35,219
I'm sorry I tried
to steal your job.
479
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,170
And I'm sorry I tried to kill
you by cutting your brakes.
480
00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:40,130
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
481
00:20:40,150 --> 00:20:42,210
Only if you're thinking
what I'm thinking.
482
00:20:42,230 --> 00:20:45,150
Let's sing the 1987 hit
"I Knew You Were Waiting"
483
00:20:45,170 --> 00:20:47,100
by Aretha Franklin
and George Michael,
484
00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:50,029
abridged karaoke version!
485
00:20:50,049 --> 00:21:00,039
♪♪
486
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:10,039
♪♪
487
00:21:10,059 --> 00:21:20,039
♪♪
488
00:21:20,059 --> 00:21:30,039
♪♪
489
00:21:30,059 --> 00:21:37,099
♪♪
490
00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:40,079
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
491
00:21:40,099 --> 00:21:42,049
-Ooh, that's my favorite.
-I'd like to try that.
492
00:21:42,069 --> 00:21:45,089
[ Chuckles ] Um, did we just
agree to become best frenemies?
493
00:21:45,109 --> 00:21:47,029
Bitch,
you know we did.
494
00:21:47,049 --> 00:21:48,089
No!
495
00:21:48,109 --> 00:21:50,139
No friends!
Only enemies!
496
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,060
You don't own me!
497
00:21:53,049 --> 00:21:55,119
-[ Panting ]
-Oh, everything okay?
498
00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:58,050
Yeah, I'm just hot
off a psychotic break.
499
00:21:58,069 --> 00:21:59,149
[ Laughs ]
500
00:21:59,170 --> 00:22:01,220
Anyway, did you hear the goss
about Ethan's dad?
501
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,090
Ooh, spill the tea!
502
00:22:03,109 --> 00:22:05,169
Word is he's getting
indicted.
503
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:15,180
♪♪
504
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:25,180
♪♪
505
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:35,180
♪♪
506
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:45,180
♪♪
507
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:55,090
♪♪
35767
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