Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Alex, Bridgette grunting ]

Why'd you put our box of stuff so high up?

What photo could possibly be worth this?

It's the one they took on the Legoland roller coaster

where I'm rocking amazing bangs.

I have to post it for Throwback Thursday.

[ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, the Brewins bar.

Yeah, from the night we first met.

I thought you were so hot.

When you said hi, I saw fireworks.

Uh, let's reminisce a little faster!

What the hell?! Our divorce papers?!

You said you signed these over a year ago!

[ Grunts ] I must have gotten distracted!

You know we're in a golden age of TV.

So we're still married?

You need to let go and sign these!

[ Both grunting ]

Aah!

[ Slow motion ] No!

No!

[ Groans ]

♪♪

♪♪

I can't believe you never signed your divorce papers.

It's got these cool stickers that tell you where to do it and everything!

I always had this hope that I could fix the relationship.

I guess it's time to destroy that hope with alcohol.

Dude, is that that moonshine we made in college?

Yeah, I just found it in the garage.

Plus the blues record we got the recipe from.

♪ If drowning your sorrows is what you seek ♪

♪ Got a hooch so strong, it'll knock ya into next week ♪

I could trace it back to one day, Josh.

One night I made myself this sando.

Stepped away for one second.

When I came back, Bridgette had scarfed the whole thing.

We got in a huge fight, and I said I wish we never met.

The next day, she asked me for a divorce.

If I could just go back and stop that fight...

♪ Think of a memory and take a shot ♪

To the sandwich!

♪ Well, that's the era, baby, you'll be brought ♪

You know what? Tastes pretty good.

[ Both screaming ]

[ Both grunt ]

Aah! What the hell just happened?!

Hey, does your room seem different?

July 21, 1969?

[ Gasps ] My God. We've traveled through time...

to three years ago, when I got into collecting '60s stuff!

Wait, "Time Hooch." The whiskey did this.

"Think of a memory and take a shot.

That's the era you'll be brought."

So the whiskey recipe is actually a recipe

for time travel!

"Rye, barley, a dead man's pocket watch

mixed at the crossroads under a full moon."

Okay, yeah, we should have seen this coming.

Whoa! Remember when we used to keep the couch over there?

So trippy.

Hide!

Holy crap. Slightly younger us's.

[ Snickers ] Look how dumb we looked.

See you guys later. I'm gonna go see the new Kevin Spacey movie.

Nice! That guy can do no wrong.

[ Both inhale sharply ]

I'm gonna go make myself a big old I-talian sando.

This is the day of the big sando fight!

If I can prevent that from happening,

I can save my marriage.

Okay, when I leave the room,

Bridgette comes in and eats my sando.

That's when the argument starts.

Then let's hide the sandwich so she doesn't see it,

then put it back.

[ Gasps ]

Dude! You made it super oily.

How else do you lock in the flavor?

[ Both grunting ]

Aah!

Hide!

Uh, Bridge, where's my sando?

Bridgette: What are you talking about?

My sandwich! It's gone!

Alex, I didn't touch your sandwich!

Oh, so I suppose it just flew out the window!

Look, I don't know what's up with you,

but you're being a jerk. -Oh, I'm being a jerk?!

-Ugh! -Okay, well, guess what!

I wish we never --

-Ooh! -What the hell?!

Shh! I'm you from the future.

Yeah, right. Here's a question only I would know.

What year were you born? -1982.

Holy shit! You really are me.

Hey, you've been keeping it tight.

Alex, I hate to say this,

but you gotta let this sando thing go.

This fight leads to the destruction of our marriage.

Really? But we've been off the rails for a while now.

Remember that argument we had at Candice's birthday party?

Oh, yeah. That's when things really got tense.

You know what? We got to go back there.

Why didn't we just go back there in the first place?

We had a lot of fights, okay?

Hey, you wanna come with us? [ Footsteps approaching ]

Bridgette's coming! We gotta drink!

♪♪

[ All screaming ]

[ All grunt ]

Blow 'em out, Candice.

Oof. I could not deal with monsters like these.

Yeah, the whole parenting thing would not be a good look for us.

Oh, so you think I'd be a bad father?

What? No. You just said that.

But you're not exactly disagreeing with it!

Ugh, I can't deal with you.

Oh, you can't deal with me?

Well, actually --

What the hell?!

Shh! Shh! We're you from the future.

What? No way. When were you born?

Both: 1982.

Ha ha! Oh, you are me!

Wow, you both look fit.

Listen, the fight you were about to have

leads directly to our divorce.

Are you sure about that?

I mean, this fight is really just a continuation

of the one from Bridgette's aunt's funeral.

I said her dead aunt looked like Michael Shannon.

I mean, I wasn't wrong.

Up top!

[ Grunts ]

You just forget these precious moments.

Josh, stop living in the past!

We have to travel back to three weeks ago.

♪ You shredded the space-time continuum ♪

♪ Now what you gonna do? ♪

♪ Now, take a drink ♪

♪ And meet the past ♪

♪ But watch your step, or you'll ♪

♪ Unleash an endless series of consequences ♪

♪ That may prove to be worse than the original problem ♪

♪ You were hoping to solve ♪

♪ You know what I mean? ♪

♪ I mean, it's right there in your face, man ♪

♪ Dum, dum-dum dum-dum ♪

♪ Dum, dum-dum ♪

♪ Before you take it, stop and think ♪

♪ Is changing history worth a drink? ♪

♪ That's right, you better think about it ♪

♪ You better put that drink aside for now ♪

Man, how many fights did you and Bridgette have?

More than I remembered.

Wait, this is where I meet her for the first time.

But we didn't fight that night. -Don't you see?

Stopping all these fights doesn't change anything.

We're still gonna lose our job, get divorced, live in a closet.

We live in a closet? Wow, sucks to be me.

The only way to fix our lives once and for all...

[ Gasps ]

...is to stop me from meeting Bridgette.

So if I never meet Bridgette, she'll never end up

in my class at UCLA,

I'll never get fired for dating a student,

and I won't end up a broke, divorced loser

living in a closet.

I'll get my life back.

We'll get all of our lives back.

Uh, they're twins.

There she is.

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

There! Hunk -- dead ahead.

We've got to stop him from seeing Bridgette.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. We can't.

All I wanted was to fix our relationship, not erase it.

What the hell are you talking about?!

This is our chance to have a normal life.

But that's a life without Bridgette.

Look, I'm the oldest Alex here and, therefore, the wisest.

And I can see now that however crappy my life turned out,

it's not because of her.

It's...

It's because of me.

And me and me and definitely me.

No way, hot stuff. We're doing this.

Yeah, sorry handsome. It's nine against one.

Wait!

You're gonna have to go through me first.

[ Grunting ]

Come on, Josh!

We can't let them stop me from meeting Bridgette.

Take that, Alex!

Ow!

Body blow, uppercut, roundhouse kick!

Oh, no, I don't!

Ow!

♪♪

Alex, I just want you to know...

I got to pee so bad!

Aah!

Hey, barkeep. You got any craft beers?

Maybe a double IPA?

Hey.

I'm Bridgette.

I'm Alex.

Wow. Fireworks.

Yes!

♪♪

Josh, look out!

♪♪

[ Both grunt ]

Oh, man, we're way in the future!

And we're all out of Time Hooch.

What are we gonna do?

Alert! Alert!

These two humanoids must be neutered and chipped.

[ Both scream ]

♪♪

Whoa!

-Get in, Dicktaints! -Dicktaints?

That's how we say "dudes" in the future.

-Cool. -Dicktaints.

♪♪

Thanks for the ride! -Sure.

P.S. -- "Dicktaints" still means dicktaints.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man, they got us so good.

[ Chuckles ] Dicktaints!

It's time to let go of the past.

[ Grunts ] Sign.

Sticker there. Sticker there, too.

Geez, what happened? Are you okay?

I'm better than okay. Here.

Oh, you signed? What changed?

Well, I guess you could say it was...time.

Okay, a lot of emphasis on the word "time," but thank you.

♪♪

Well, huh. What do you, uh --

What do you guys think we should do now?

I mean, there's one obvious option.

-So fit. -Ooh, yeah, the forbidden fruit.

-Mm! So jacked. -I wanna touch it.

I'm gonna touch it.

♪♪

[ Beeping ]

Insert its DNA into the embryo.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

We're going to clone a Neanderthal!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Guitar strums ]

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

-♪ How are you? -♪ Just fine ♪

♪ It's so wonderful to be with you today ♪

Wow, am I Mr. Adam Levine?

Because you kids have the voice.

[ Laughter ]

Good morning, children.

Mr. Campbell, can I have a moment?

Certainly, Principal Becket.

I'd like you to meet River Lake,

our school's new music teacher.

Well, enchanté!

Bienvenue to chamomile.

Oh! Thank you!

Everyone says she's the best.

She'll visit your class every Tuesday and Thursday.

These kids can be a bit shy with strangers.

But don't worry, I'll warm them up for you.

[ Slurps ] -Mm.

What an empowering mug.

Oh, this? It was a gift from the children.

Attención, class.

I'd like you to meet our new music teacher.

Her name is Ms. Lake, and -- -Hello, kindergarten!

I'm River Lake. If you know this one, let me hear you sing along!

♪ The more we say good morning, good morning, good morning ♪

♪ The more we say good morning, the awesomer we'll be ♪

[ Chimes ring ]

♪ With Dashiell and Emma and Candice and Winnie ♪

She knows our names!

[ Drumming ]

When I say "good," you say "morning."

Good! -Morning!

-Good! -Morning!

[ Guitar playing ]

Children: Yeah!

Oh, fu-u-u-u-n.

♪♪

♪♪

-Good morning, Mr. Campbell. -Good morning!

What do you say, Candice? Are you ready to carpe that diem?

[ Bicycle bell dings ] -Mom! That's her! That's her!

So that's the Ms. Lake?

She has us just call her "River."

Isn't that cool, Emily?

Nope, we don't do that. She's just been going on and on

about River these last few days.

Hmm, yeah? That's neat.

[ Drumming ]

Rhythm is a language, and you guys are speakin' it!

Tell me somethin', Esme!

What's the good word, Candice?

Uh, yes! You guys, feel that groove!

Oh, I feel it! Dr. Jam in da house!

And Dr. Jam says y'all need to floss!

Gotta floss err'y day!

This feels racist.

Come on, class, keep the beat!

You go, Mr. Campbell! -Thanks.

Oh, and it's Dr. Jam.

[ Laughs ]

Whoa! [ Children scream ]

It's all right! Myrtle is okay!

See guys? [ All screaming ]

Oh, God, blood.

Mm. [ Clears throat ]

What?

Oh, look, he's awake!

How are you feeling, Mr. Campbell?

Um, I'm okay. I just, um...

It's 2:30?!

You've been with them the whole day?

[ Gasps ] -Oh, I stitched you up.

Don't you worry, we've been having so much fun together.

River taught us how to read!

[ Chuckles ] Very funny, Candice.

What?

Even Ethan?

Shh! Yo, I got to find out if that dude eats the ham.

Okay, class, that's it for today.

All: Ohh!

Oh, it's all right. I'll see you again on Thursday.

Aw!

Girl: We love you, River.

-Oh, God. -You're pathetic.

-Who said that? -Over here.

-[ Gasps ] -Look at you, Campbell.

These kids used to love you. Now?

You're the world's greatest nothing!

That's not true!

Th-That's not true? Oh, cut the shit!

This River Lake has made a fool out of you.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

She has perfect pitch

and this casual retro-chic style that just --

-[ Spits ] -Ow!

Shut up and listen, you little bitch!

Do you want to get back to being everyone's

favorite teacher or not? -Yes, of course I do!

Then you have to crush her.

♪♪

Ha.

Yes. Sip of me.

Sip my ass!

Okay, who's ready for a musical parade?

All: Me!

All right! I'll give you each an instrument and --

[ Gasping ]

Oh, my God! What happened?

The instruments, they're all broken.

What? Oh, no!

You know what? I bet those punk fifth-graders did this.

Well, I guess music class will have to be canceled today.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

The only instrument we need is right here.

[ Beatboxing ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ All vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing continues ]

I think we've got a front-runner for teacher of the year!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, see you all next time!

Thank you so much for sharing your heart songs with me.

[ Sighs ] Was that all you got, you man-bunned little bitch?

E-Excuse me?

Busting up my instruments?

I ought to rip your dick off.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, please, Campbell.

You think you're the first teacher

who tried to Nancy Kerrigan me?

I've got dual masters degrees

in music and early childhood education.

I can drum circles around your Montessori bullshit.

Big talk from someone who only teaches two days a week.

Oh, I'm gonna be full-time.

In fact, maybe I'll take your job.

You...frickin' -- Crap!

[ School bell rings ]

Um, River, we're hosting a barbecue tomorrow

in honor of my losing my first tooth.

Would you like to come and sing,

since you're the best singer in the whole world?

Sweetie, I'm sure Ms. Lake is really busy on the weekends.

Candice, I would love to sing at your rite of passage.

Yeah-ha-ha! She said yes!

[ All cheering ]

♪♪

[ Hums ]

[ Chuckles ] [ Bicycle bell rings ]

Unh!

[ Sobbing ]

Ow!

You don't deserve to drink piss out of me!

You've never been invited to a kid's house.

Now she's gonna sing at one.

She -- She's a fake! A phony!

It's time to strap on your dick and end this!

♪♪

[ Vehicle approaches, brakes squeal ]

♪♪

Okay.

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Neighbor: Hey! Cut those brake lines quieter!

I'd like to try that.

So, how do you know Candice?

What?

Mom, where's River?

She promised she'd come and sing.

I don't know, sweetie.

But if you want, I could get my guitar and sing.

Ew. I promised my friends something cool -- a teacher.

Ding-dong! [ Chuckles ]

Mr. Campbell? Uh, hi. What are you --

I was just in the neighborhood and thought Ms. Lake

might need this for her big performance.

She didn't come.

Wait, what?

She blew off your barbecue?

I guess there's some teachers in this world you just can't trust!

Wait a second. I just happen to have my karaoke machine.

Candice, how would you like it if I sang?

-Uh, no tha-- -Yay, this worked out for everyone!

Children, gather round!

Criss-cross applesauce, por favor.

♪♪

Grace and greetings. I'm Mr. Camp--

-River! You came! -[ Gasps ] -Hi!

Oh, Candice, I am so sorry I'm late.

I just came from the hospital.

-Oh, God, are you okay? -I'm fine.

I loaned my bike to my neighbor this morning,

and he got into a terrible accident.

He's gonna be okay, though. And even better,

he and his doctor fell in love!

All: Aw!

Mr. Campbell,

thank you so much for warming them up.

♪♪

Finish her!

Okay, kids, whoever sings better gets to stay as your teacher,

and the other has to drive out to the desert to die.

Bring it.

It's a teacher sing-off!

♪ I believe the children are our future ♪

No, I do!

♪ Teach them well, and let them lead the way ♪

♪ Show them all the beauty they possess inside ♪

♪ G-G-G-G-Give them a sense of pride ♪

♪ A lonely place to be ♪

♪ And so I learned to depend on me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yow ♪

♪ N-N-N-N-N-N-N-No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

I can't believe this. ♪ Eeeeeeeh ♪

♪ Caw, caw, c-c-caw ♪

Both: ♪ Can't take away my dignity-y-y-y ♪

Yeah! That was so great!

Maybe we do work better together.

I'm sorry I tried to steal your job.

And I'm sorry I tried to kill you by cutting your brakes.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Only if you're thinking what I'm thinking.

Let's sing the 1987 hit "I Knew You Were Waiting"

by Aretha Franklin and George Michael,

abridged karaoke version!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

-Ooh, that's my favorite. -I'd like to try that.

[ Chuckles ] Um, did we just agree to become best frenemies?

Bitch, you know we did.

No!

No friends! Only enemies!

You don't own me!

-[ Panting ] -Oh, everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just hot off a psychotic break.

[ Laughs ]

Anyway, did you hear the goss about Ethan's dad?

Ooh, spill the tea!

Word is he's getting indicted.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪