Original subtitles

Pearle: Randy, you up?

Better get your butt outta bed! You've got a long trip!

[ Yawning ]

[ Country music playing ]

Uh, make sure not to use that toilet while I'm gone, Ma.

I gotta fix that nasty clog.

Okay. Have a safe one, baby!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Bicycle bell chimes ]

Your cheapest ticket to anywhere, please.

Employee: This will serve as final boarding call

for flight 833 to Denver. [ Wand squeaking ]

Phew, made it!

One off-da-hook Donkey Sauce deep-fried Flavorburger, please!

Ah.

[ Cash register dings ] [ Bicycle bell chimes ]

♪♪

Ma, I got your burger home in record time!

You can eat it hot for once. [ Man grunting ]

[ Rhythmic squeaking ] Pearle: Now stick it in!

Get in there real deep!

Ma? [ Both grunting ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunting continues ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

It's not what it looks like. We're lovers!

Huh?

I love this...man.

Ah...oooh. Ew.

♪♪

♪♪

How could you hire another handyman behind my back?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You're a fragile boy.

I'm a fragile man!

And being a handyman is my thing.

That's why I get to live here rent-free.

I thought it was because you're the landlord's son.

[ Splutters ]

Randy, I'm sorry it came to this,

but things had to get fixed, and, well, you're...

-I'm what?! -Eh...

you may not exactly be good at fixing things?

Says when?!

[ Muttering ] Numbers, numbers.

[ Gulping ]

[ Grunting ]

That'll hold.

But repairs are my calling.

Maybe find a different calling?

Yeah! You're good at tons of stuff.

-Binge-watching. -Toasting bread?

Not wearing a shirt?

Those examples are bullshit and you know it!

I'm gonna do what troubled young men have done for centuries --

Go...to...sea.

[ Exhales deeply ] This is where I belong!

[ Metal creaking ]

[ Horn blares ]

[ Shouts, gasps ]

[ Kraken roaring ]

[ Coughing ]

Oh, no!

This is my nightmare -- being cast away

on a desert island,

like in that Tom Hanks movie.

What was the name of that one?

Dang it!

[ Groans ] "Tom Hanks movies"...

[ Cellphone chimes ] Oh, that was fast.

Tom Hanks was in "Big?"

Huh. Learn something new everyday.

Hit the old Wikipedia here, crank the brightness...

Better read this slowly for full comprehension...

"Tom Hanks has been featured in many films

including the one where he is stranded all alone, by himself.

The title of that movie is..."

[ Cellphone beeps ] Noooooo!

♪♪

♪♪

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts, groans ]

Dang it... [ Groaning ]

♪ Hammers and nails, hammers and nails ♪

♪ Nails and hammers, a ladder or two ♪

We know what to do. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!

Need more caulk! -You can't fix anything!

Why are you even trying, you tiny me's?!

[ Toilet flushes ]

How can I ever repay you?

I take cash, credit,

or maternal love.

Don't pay him, Maaa!

[ Screaming ]

♪ Handy Randy, Handy Randy, Handy Randy, Randy Hand ♪ ♪ [ Screaming continues ]

What is this David Lynch bullshit?!

[ Laughter ]

[ Screams ]

[ Groans ]

Welp, I guess I did find my true calling...

Death.

Take me now, cruel God!

Bob Vila from "This Old House?"

Tim Allen as that guy from "Home Improvement"

whose name I forgot? -[ "Home Improvement" grunt ]

-Ikea Man? -[ Pops ]

Nice to meat you, too!

You guys are legends!

My handyman inspiration.

We're here to save you, Randy.

If you don't build yourself a shelter and quick,

you will die.

[ Grunting ] Gruh-oh.

Aw...I can't build nothing. I'm not handy.

And even if I were, I've got no tools.

You've got the most important tool of all.

[ Pops ]

Me?

Exactamundo!

You're right.

I am a tool.

That's the spirit. And don't worry,

we've got your back, right fellas?

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Tree crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

[ Dings, pops ]

♪♪

[ Pops, dings ] [ Drill whirs ]

Would you look at that?

Home sweet home.

An exact replica of our building.

What do you guys think?

[ As Josh ] So cool!

[ Feminine ] I wanna bring all my boyfriends here.

As a working mom who wants to have it all, I love it!

And I'm Alex!

Son, I'm gonna say this in the least racist accent I can!

You did good.

Also, I love you now.

Thanks, Ma. Built it all from memory.

Every detail's the same --

the floor's crooked, the walls are kinda janky.

It's even got that monster toilet clog.

[ Chuckles ] Come to think of it,

I could finally take care of that.

[ Grunting ]

[ Straining ]

What the butt?!

[ Shouts ]

No! Ma!

[ Crying loudly ]

[ Cries ] I'm sorry for your loss, Randy.

[ Crying ] How could this have happened?

No. [ Murmuring ]

Oh, yeah, no.

[ Dings ] Oh. [ Gasps ]

[ Squeaking ]

♪♪

Oh, no. If Ma fixes that clog,

the whole house will collapse and crush everyone!

Unless...

Unless I save them. [ Thunder crashes ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Grunts ]

Thank you, guys!

Thank you for teaching me to give the ultimate handy!

That's a weird way to put it, but you're welcome.

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Steel drum playing ]

Randy: [ Breathing heavily ]

I'm too late!

[ Shouts ] Randy!

Clear that clog and we die!

That's a load-bearing clog.

If you clear it without substituting

a comparable support, this whole place goes down.

Yeah, okay, buddy.

[ Grunts ]

Take cover, Ma!

[ Grunting ]

Randy?! What's happening?

I'm rerouting all the pipes to clear the clog.

Get to your toilets and wait for my signal!

♪♪

Ax kick! [ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Straining ]

[ Hisses ]

Toothpaste!

[ Hissing ]

[ Grunting ]

You son of a bitch.

♪♪

Okay, guys! On the count of three,

I want you to flush that toilet!

I can't do it!

You've got to!

Three, two, one!

Fluuush!

♪♪

That'll hold.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You saved the house, baby!

[ Island music playing ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

And I'm Alex!

[ Children laughing ]

Ugh, how is it that every kid

seems to have their birthday party in the same six weeks?

Aw, they're not that bad.

[ Grunts, chuckles weakly ]

We've got three more this weekend.

Only three? Lucky.

We've got five.

See you guys...

[ Children laughing, shouting ]

♪♪

♪♪

This party rules!

I can't wait for my party next weekend.

[ Chuckling nervously ] Us, too...

Can't wait... [ Chuckles weakly ]

I can't take any more forced fun.

Just kill me now. [ Shouts ]

[ Groans ] Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, I've booked the magician for Candice's party,

ordered the cake, I bought the decorations,

and scored some Xanax to get us through it.

When did birthday parties become so not fun?

Yeah, I feel like the parents deserve a party

just for going to all these parties.

Wait, can we do that? Do what?

Throw a party for the parents at the same time as Candice's party.

Can we do that?

I'll get Pearle to watch the kids! I'm ordering a keg.

Oh, my God, we could do weed delivery.

Siri, how do you make peyote?

Let's buy cocaine!

Too far? Too far.

[ Children laughing, screaming ]

Hey! [ Blows whistle ]

Put that snot back in your nose!

[ Gasps ] That cake is ginormous.

Here comes the cavalry! Mom, Dad!

Come into the bounce house with me!

It's so fun!

We have to bring this to the garage, sweetie.

You go have fun with your friends.

Hmm...

[ Electronic dance music plays ]

This is how you celebrate a kid's birthday.

No kid shit, just booze.

Wow! Cookies you can eat?

My favorite!

We're the best parents.

[ Clears throat ] Candice... [ Chuckles ]

You're not supposed to be in here. But you are.

Uh, let's get off the big metal juice box, sweetie.

Everybody, we'll be right back. Drink up!

[ Cheering ]

Hey, look, the magician's here!

You can set up over there and start whenever you're ready.

The Amazing Sardini is always ready!

But where are the parents?

Well, we had this idea that the parents

could have their own party.

Cool, right? We got tired of the standard

kids birthday party thing.

But magic is an all-ages entertainment.

Don't you want to see the look on your children's faces

when I create...illusions?

Yeah... We had this awesome idea

that the parents could have a party.

So...

Uhh...

[ Panting ]

[ Cheering ]

Oh, yeah, whippin' out the six pack!

Whoo-hoo! -Oh, my God.

Wouldn't it be funny if we all made out?

Ha, let's get naked and fight!

[ Grunts ] -Ow! I'm down.

What the butt?! We were gone for five minutes!

What'd you expect?

You gave a bunch of parents a keg.

Everyone knows once you have kids you can't hold your liquor.

Whoo! I just had a Corona!

[ Groans ] -[ Gasps ]

[ Moaning ]

And what's the first rule of Naked Fight Club?

Hey, some nerd is doing magic.

Let's go make fun of him.

What seems like an ordinary handkerchief

is actually a magic handkerchief. [ Dove cooing ]

[ Parents shouting indistinctly ] Okay, guys. Let's get back into the garage.

-Fake thumb! -Magic sucks!

Suck your own [bleep]! [ Gasps ]

Ma'am! There are children here!

[ Cheering ]

Hey kids, watch me make this beer disappear.

[ Children eww ] Shut up!

It's a stout, and it's my second!

Ladies and gentlemen, if everyone could please respect

the art of magic for a moment.

[ Booing and jeering ]

Enough! You wanted a party

without children, did you not?

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Exite cerimonia!

[ Pops ]

[ Cheering ]

Now that's a good trick.

I took a class at the Magic Castle, so...

Uh... What just happened?

Did he just...actually...

What did you do?! Where are the kids?!

I sent them somewhere they can enjoy a real birthday party,

which you clearly cannot provide.

If you want them, put on the hats and go get them.

[ Snaps finger ]

Alex, Bridgette!

Keep the parents distracted.

Hey, I think there's some artisanal pizzas

in the garage...

Ready? Let's do this.

[ Pops ]

[ Both gasp ]

Where the hell are we?

Gifty: Birthday World, ya silly bean!

A land of nonstop fun where the currency is laughs

and it's illegal to frown!

Just kidding, we don't have government here.

O-kay... Where are the kids?

They're atop Mount Cake in Castle Joy!

Yay, Castle Joy!

[ Children screaming ]

And what's happens in Castle Joy?

A never-ending birthday party! It's like Chuck E. Cheese,

except soon your children will forget they even have parents...

[distorted ] and choose to stay here for all eternity.

[ Normal voice ] Yaaaaay!

[ Dings ] This place is a nightmare.

Come on!

[ Growling ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

[ Chomping ]

♪♪

[ Both gasp ]

[ Balloons squeaking ]

♪♪

[ Children screaming ]

Candice? We're coming!

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Children cheering ]

Candice?

Are you okay? Candice?

[ Laughs ] Gotcha! [ Both gasp ]

Together: Sardini!

[ Children groaning ]

Give us back our daughter, Sardini.

We survived all your challenges.

[ Laughs ] But the most important challenges

are yet to come. [ Grunts ]

[ Both shout ]

First, you must select all images

with traffic lights on them!

Really?

Sorry, it's part of the procedure.

We need to make sure you're not a bot.

[ Window blipping ]

[ Window chimes ]

Nice, Em!

Next, a test of how well you know your daughter.

[ Ominous organ plays ]

What is her favorite kind of birthday cake?

Easy, she likes strawberries.

No! [ Organ blares ]

[ Screams ] No!

It's a trick question!

Candice loves all cake.

Her favorite is going to be the biggest one.

Oh, yeah!

Very good.

Now, what is her favorite birthday activity?

Well, she did say she wanted to bounce with us.

But remember how hard she laughed

when we played musical chairs and I fell on my face?

She also loves it when I swing the piñata.

Don't worry, children! If they get it wrong,

you'll spend the rest of your days

living off of nutritious Necco Wafers!

Yaaay!

[ Roaring ]

It could be any of these things.

That's the answer. It's all of these.

Her favorite activity is the one she does with us.

You are correct!

But for your final test,

answer the question of a special guest.

Mom, Dad?

Candice! [ Breathing heavily ]

Ah-ah-ah, first you answer the question.

Uh...

Why'd you guys want to spend time in the garage

instead of with me?

We blew it, honey. We didn't mean to ignore you.

We just wanted to do something nice for the parents,

and we got wrapped up in it.

Sometimes parents want to have grown-up fun,

but we were selfish. Today should've been about you.

And to show me how sorry you are you'll get me an iPad Pro?

Well... [ Both chuckling nervously ]

Great. Amazing Sardini, this place is cool,

but I'd like to finish my party at home.

Very well.

-Candice! -Candice!

Congratulations, parents.

You learned the true meaning of birthdays.

Hooray!

[ Hacking ]

You are free to go.

Candice, I must admit I was hoping

you would choose to stay here with me.

You see, I have no children of my own.

I can't have them.

Skateboarding accident when I was a teen.

I was doing a trick on a handrail.

I think you can imagine how that went. [ Inaudible ]

The one thing that gives my life purpose

is letting children d-- d--

Guess it's just you and me again.

There, there, Sardini.

[ Slurping ] Both moaning ]

Unwrap me... Oh, yes, mmm...

Oh, Gifty...

[ Parents snoring ] And the 12th thing only a true '90s kid will remember...

is Tamagotchis.

[ Snoring ]

Hey, I thought they'd never fall asleep.

Aww...they look so peaceful.

[ Cheering and laughter ] I-I'm awake!

I was watching them the whole time. [ Breathes deeply ]

[ Whispering ] Shhh! We just got them down!

Can I go in the bouncy house?

With you guys? -Let's get in that bounce house.

As a family!

[ Laughter ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, tell me more about this

universal basic income.

[ Electronic dance music plays ]

Hey, man, you do you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪