Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Yelling in slow-motion ]

Candice: This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

I just wanted to make a little cash,

have a little fun.

But sometimes, even the best plans...

can leave a skid-mark in your shorts.

To understand how we got here,

you've gotta know the legend.

The legend...

of Sauceface.

♪♪

♪♪

[ School bell rings ]

[ Both laughing ]

Whoa!

Imagine all the fun we could have with one of those.

Those drones make hopscotch look like foursquare.

Mom! Mom!

Can I get a drone? Please, please!

I'd fly it every day and I'd wash it and I'd feed it!

And it would get us involved in stem fields

where girls are traditionally underrepresented.

[ Sighs ]

I wish we could, sweetie,

but we don't have the money for stuff like that.

Yeah, right, Mom.

Then why do we live in a mansion with Alex and Bridgette?

Oh, jeez.

Candice, the "house" we live in is an apartment building.

And Alex and Bridgette only live with us to help us pay for it.

But you have a job, and Dad has a job.

Doesn't that make us rich?

No.

Wait, so we're...

poor?

Man, I had no idea we were poor.

Do your mom and dad have money?

No, my dad does improv.

[ Inhales sharply ] Ooh, I'm so sorry.

Let's face it, drones are for rich kids.

Attencion, everyone.

It's your friendly cafeteria conduct liaison.

Effective immediately our school's banned food list

will now include General Tso's chicken,

because it promotes militarism.

♪♪

And please, don't push me on this.

Stellan and I just broke up and he took the Peloton

because he technically paid for it,

even though I use it way more than he does.

So, it's a whole thing. Okay, buon appetito!

Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Don't let Campbell see that.

All the food at this school is so bland.

I'll give you a quarter for your hot sauce.

Hmm, one quarter?

I'll give you two dimes.

Whoa! Now we're talking!

Maddie, I think I know how we can buy a drone.

[ The Rolling Stones' "Can't You Hear Me Knocking" plays ]

Candice: And that's how we got into the hot sauce game.

I'd harvest the product at home...

and we'd move it at school.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Yeah, you got satin shoes ♪

Candice: It was red gold, baby.

Red gold.

Maddie had a head for numbers, so she ran the books.

♪ ...plastic boots ♪

♪ Y'all got cocaine eyes ♪

Whoo! I got lightning in my brain!

Candice: Pretty soon, we had other kids dealing for us.

First graders, second graders,

a fourth grader we called Jimmy Two-Times

'cause once he peed himself two times in the same day.

The way we were going, we had enough for a fleet of drones.

Business was so good, it was only a matter of time

'til the cafeteria conduct liaison got wise.

♪ Help me, baby ♪

Picante!

Candice: We needed to throw Campbell off our trail.

Who do you work for?

[ Packets splat ]

♪ Ain't no stranger ♪

So, I came up with an alter ego to take the heat.

A big boss named Sauceface.

[ Whistles ]

♪ Can't you hear my knockin'? ♪

Candice: Tomorrow is the big sit-down with our sister schools.

If all goes well, we expand our operations all over the city.

I don't like it. Campbell is closing in.

We need to lie low. Please.

Mr. Campbell couldn't find a butt

on his own butt.

Candice, we have plenty of money

and we haven't even bought our drone yet.

Isn't that why we started this in the first place?

We move forward with the sit-down.

There are more dimes to be made.

Speaking of, this last payment was supposed to have 873 dimes,

which is exactly $5,000.

But we're four dimes short.

Which one of you is skimming off the top?

You don't want to confess to me?

Okay. Perhaps you'd rather tell...

Wet Willy?

♪♪

Why, Jade,

that's a very nice Ring Pop you're wearing.

It -- It was a gift from my Nan-Nan.

Right. Nan-Nans are the best.

Yeah. Yeah, my Nan-Nan's... Gotcha. My Nan-Nan loves me so much.

[ Screams ]

Hey, cut it out!

Never cross me again, Jade.

Aah! [ Sobbing ]

Jeez, Candice.

I'm not Candice anymore.

I'm... Sauceface.

Ah, that's our time.

Remember, tomorrow is Cher Day,

so bring in a small item

that makes you believe in life after love.

Ethan, please stay behind for uno minuto.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Relax, Ethan, you're not in trouble.

I just wanted to offer you a little after-school snack.

Oh...

Mmm...

Red pepper, salt, garlic, Xanthan gum.

You want it, don't you, Ethan?

[ Breathing heavily ]

First, tell me everything you know.

Okay.

When mommies and daddies love each other,

they touch their butts together and a baby --

No, Ethan. Everything about Sauceface.

Like where I can find him or her or them.

I guess I did hear somebody say a thingy was gonna go down

tomorrow in that room where I eat all the paint.

[ Gasps ] The art room!

Gracias, Ethan.

You all know me, what I do.

And you know what I can do for you.

[ Snaps fingers ]

I think we could be very motivated to move this product

at Temple Beth Emet Day School.

Yeah, samesies for Mayflower Charter.

Excellent. Then let's shake on it.

Mr. Campbell: Sauceface!

I know you're in there!

And as soon as I figure out which key opens this door,

I'm coming in!

You set us up! No!

Someone ratted us out!

Why did I announce I was here before I found the key?

So stupid!

♪♪

♪♪

Candice! [ Grunts ]

Ah!

Candice, you need to run!

But -- Now!

♪♪

Well, well, well...

If it isn't Sauceface.

[ Gasps ] No!

This is it for me.

Campbell called in my parents.

I'm gonna be expelled.

But why didn't you tell him you're not Sauceface?

And be a rat?

Maddie, I'm so sorry!

I want to fix this, to go back to how things were before.

We knew the risks of this life.

Forget about me, Candice.

Take the money, buy the drone, make a new best friend.

Mr. Campbell: Stellan, you agreed

I could visit the Peloton on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

My calves are withering away!

♪♪

Thus proving she's guilty of possession

of banned goods, illegal sales,

and naming herself after an R-rated movie.

These are mostly serious charges.

Maddie, I'm stunned.

I don't want to recommend expulsion.

But I'm afraid it's the only way to close the book

on this dark chapter of-- what the butt?

No!

If you're -- then who is--

Mr. Campbell, it would seem

that you busted the wrong Sauceface.

Ah! I can't believe I missed my Harold audition for this!

Ted, it's been three years.

You're not getting on a house team.

Sauceface!

[ Children laughing ]

Hey!

♪♪

♪♪

Ha! You're cornered, Sauceface!

Surprise!

What? I don't understand.

You're Sauceface?

You mean "Project Sauceface"?

That was our code name.

Maddie and I sold sauce so we could buy you a new Peloton.

We know how hard it's been with Stellan gone.

And, well, you're our favorite teacher.

That's right.

We had to keep it a surprise.

It was our plan all along.

[ Voice breaking ] This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Did we break the rules? Yes.

But it was the only way we could earn money,

and sometimes you have to break some rules

to mend a broken heart.

Mm...

Wait a second! Five minutes ago, you were gonna expel my daughter!

That was before the children gave me,

like, a $2,000 exercise bike.

So, you were able to buy this thing

just from selling hot sauce packets?

Yeah, kids really love hot sauce.

In that case, the ban is lifted.

The school is selling those packets now.

We need that money for Coach Gary's settlement.

Candice: And just like that, Sauceface was no more.

In the end I gave up my wealth, my business, my spicy empire...

for friendship.

The richest score of them all.

[ Barking ]

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, we gots to get one of those.

Have you ever heard of... shoplifting?

[ Laughing ]

[ Cellphone ringing, buzzing ]

[ Gasps ]

Hey, chica! You must be my roomie!

I'm Becca. What's your deal?

Where you from?

Hey, I'm Emil-- [ Cellphone rings ]

Ugh, sorry, my ex Tucker won't stop calling.

He broke up with me because he wanted to --

Screw my professor. I mean, how dare she give me a C

just 'cause I fell asleep during the final?

I should just change my major to --

...doing cocaine in the bathroom,

and I'm like, "Really, mason?

You're railing lines on Christmas Eve?"

And he's like --

"Uh, those nudes aren't mine,"

and he accused me of snooping?

I mean, yes I --

stole his identity,

but Travor gave me chlamydia first, so, guess what, I --

...know that he had sex with my sister

and expects me to forgive him?

I mean you're so lucky you've never had to go

through pain like this.

Anyways, what's up with you, gal?

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Screams ]

[ Cellphone ringing, buzzing ]

[ Sighs ]

Heyyyyyy, chica.

♪♪

♪♪

Becca sucks. You hate seeing her.

Why don't you just cancel? I can't.

She's my oldest friend.

You're too nice.

Firm boundaries are the only way to make people respect you.

Hey Bridg-- No.

See? You're right.

I'm going to cancel.

[ Cellphone keyboard clacking ]

[ Text messages chiming rapidly ]

We're meeting at 7:00. On her side of town.

She's short on cash, so I'm buying.

[ Sighs ]

Heeeey, bestie!

Ohmigod, I'm sorry I'm late,

I forgot you wanted to meet tonight.

But you called me.

Ugh, the new guy I'm dating?

Okay he's, like, crazy hot but such a dick.

He, like, expects me to worship him,

and I'm like, I -- Fair's fair. No!

You know what? All men are trash.

So, I said to Luc,

it's, like, when will someone pay attention to me?

Like, when is it my turn?

Okay, look,

sometimes relationships become toxic and one-sided,

and then you need to set boundaries.

Stand up for yourself.

Say, "Enough is enough, Becca."

Or Rick. Or...what's his name?

Wow. It's Luc.

You should listen better.

But... that's actually great advice.

Thank you. Oh.

Um... You're welcome.

Okay, so, enough about me.

What's up with you, girl?

Dating anybody?

I'm... married.

You came to my wedding.

I don't think that's true.

Ugh.

Ugh. So?

How'd it go with your BFF?

Pretty well, actually.

She let me talk a little.

I got some face time out of the way,

and now I won't have to see her for another couple years.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Becca? What are you doing here?

I did it.

I set boundaries and I broke up with Luc.

[ Sobbing ]

Why is my life so hard all the time?

Could I crash with you?

Just for the night?

Umm...

I wouldn't ask, except you're my best friend

and you're responsible for me

not having anywhere to sleep tonight.

But I can be homeless, if that's what you want...

No, no, o-of course you can stay.

Thank you so much.

Emily, can you grab my stuff?

Becca, you have been in there for three hours!

I need to shower!

Thank you so much. I would love an iced coffee.

Becca, you've been binging old seasons

of "Survivor" for three days.

Could I watch something?

Ooh, an iced coffee sounds yum. Theeenks.

H-Hang on. Where did all my stuff go?

An iced coffee with minimal ice would be perf. Theeenk you.

Okay, she's got to go.

She used all my lotions and serums,

and now my skin is barely glowing.

I like her.

She plays pretend with me.

Becca: Tiny Butler! [ Bell rings ]

Right away, ma'am!

I know she's your friend, but she's taking advantage

of your kindness.

Okay, fine, I'll tell her to leave.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, gal, can we talk about something?

That'll be all, Tiny Butler.

We have fun.

Listen, Becca --

Shut up for a second!

I'm pregnant!

What? I had breakup sex with Luc,

and now I'm gonna have his baby,

and I don't want to tell him!

I have no money,

but I'm just so thankful that I have you.

Anyways, what did you want to talk to me about?

Becca: Ouch! [ Gasps ]

Becca?

You kicked me out, so now I live in the trash.

I needed to set boundaries!

Oh, who would do this to their best friend?

You're a monster, Mommy!

Monster!

[ Gasps ]

[ Police sirens wail, guns cock ]

Looks like we got a monster here.

Better call in animal control.

[ Gasps ]

All: Monster! Monster!

Nothing! I had absolutely nothing to tell you.

Good, 'cause I really need today to be about me, y'know?

It's just a minor delay.

I'll help her find an apartment, and she'll be out

before she's too far along.

[ Yawns ] Good morning.

Whoa. Becca.

You got... very pregnant.

Overnight. I know.

He's growing so fast.

Ooh, he's kicking! Here, feel!

[ Growls ]

Whoa! What the f--

I have some follow-up questions about the birds and the bees.

Me, too. Let's get out of here.

Ooh, Jersh, while you're out, I'm having some major cravings.

Can you pick me up some locusts and goat ears

and, like, mm, some of the blood of the innocent?

Sure thing.

Theeenks.

Oh, and an iced coffee! Thenks.

This is nuts! I know.

I think I can get most of that stuff at the pet store,

but the blood of the innocent might be more of Costco thing.

[ Doorbell rings ] Becca: [ Gasps ] That's for me!

Guys, this is Hecate.

Hecate, this is Emily and Jersh and...

the rest.

Hecate's a friend of Luc's.

She offered to be my doula for the home birth.

D-Did you say home birth?

All my work has been building to this moment.

Cum venerit, et regnabis stridebo terroremque timuerunt.

[ Chuckles ] What's your friend's deal? She single?

Oh, God.

Oh. Effing morning sickness.

At least I made it to the trash can.

Like a lady.

That's my purse.

Hecate: [ Speaking Latin ]

Em, you need to kick her out.

[ Grunts ] You're right.

That bitch has got to go.

[ Gasps ] Her cellphone.

What are you doing?

"Hey, Luc.

I miss you, I was wrong, you're so hot, let's get back together.

XO Becca."

If they're together, she'll move back to his place!

[ Text message chimes ]

He says he'll be right over!

[ Thunder crashes ]

Oh, my God.

That's probably unrelated, right?

[ Screaming ]

He approaches.

Oh, yeahhhh!

Luc in the house.

Yo, Becca, get up, I'm hungry.

What the eff are you doing here?

Whoa, unh-uh, you summoned me.

You think I want to be here?

I'm supposed to be DJ-ing the Samsung pop-up at the galleria.

Unh, get it, get it, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

"Luc" as in "Lucifer"?

Her boyfriend is the devil?

Yeah, he sucks.

No, like, he's literally the devil.

Yeah, this guy's the worst.

I don't want to talk to you!

Bex, why you being such a binch?

Oh, snap, you on the rag?

Nasty!

No, idiot, I'm pregnant.

Whoa. Dope. That's hilarious.

I love you so freakin' much.

I love you so freakin' much.

Yeah. Get it, get it.

It's working.

She's gonna move back in with him!

Everyone, I have an announcement.

Luc and I are getting back together.

[ Giggles ] Yes!

And he's gonna crash here, too.

What? No! He can't.

Who's this chick? She on the rag, too?

Oh, cycle sisters. Hot.

OMG, Emily, don't be so uptight.

He can sleep in my room.

You don't have a room!

Shut up, my water's breaking!

[ Gasping ] Come on!

[ Cackling ]

[ Gasps ]

Omnis mundus erit eius!

Here's some ice chips, sweetie.

A few more pushes...

Ohmigod, I can't do it!

Where's Luc?

So, I spin at the Burbank Tender Greens every other Tuesday.

You should check it out.

Isn't your girlfriend having your baby in the other room?

Heh. We don't do labels.

I've got those towels, Becca.

No, I want the good towels!

God, you're selfish.

Oh, I'm selfish?

Sophomore year, you made me cut my hair

because "our lengths were too matchy."

I'm the long-haired friend and you know it!

[ Thunder crashes ]

You borrowed all my clothes and never gave them back!

It's not my fault everything looks hotter on me!

You don't care about me.

You take no interest in my career,

my marriage, my daughter.

What daughter?

Gahhh!

That's it!

I want you out of my house, Becca.

And I want you out of my life!

You're such a freakin'...

beeehhhhhtch!

[ Baby crying ]

All: Awwwww.

[ Roars ]

Oh, my God. Ew! No!

Hell yeah. That's my baby.

[ Clears throat ] Well, I guess this is it.

Yeah, Luc and I are off to the bowels of Hell.

But, before I go, I need to say something.

I think we should hit pause on our friendship.

Yeah, I already told you that I --

No offense, but you're kind of toxic,

and I can't have negative energy around my baby.

[ Growls ]

I'm a mama now. You wouldn't understand.

For the last time, I have a child.

She's right here.

Ma'am.

Emily, that's Tiny Butler.

Don't be weird.

[ Dubstep music playing ]

Uh, honk, honk! Babe! Car! Let's go!

I can't wait!

Get in the car! Get in the car!

That's my guy.

You'll find one someday.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Go to hell, Becca.

I am.

You never li--

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪