Original subtitles

♪♪

Oh, man. Look at her.

I can't wait for us to play.

We're gonna have so much fun together.

[ Baby laughing ] Blue 42! Hut hut! Hike!

Stiff arm! Spin move!

He passes! He scores!

Josh, support the neck!

Oh, I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!

Hey, look at this little baby! Is she ticklish?

[ Laughing ] Ha ha!

Pbht!

Daddy, Daddy, picky up!

Prepare for lift off! [ Laughs ]

Dad!

We saw this really old movie at school today

called "King Kong"!

It had Jack Black in it!

Classic!

Let's play "King Kong"!

[ Both laughing ]

[ Bones crack ] [ Grunts ]

[ Distorted laughter ]

Hmm.

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Snapping ]

Uh, Dad?

Aaah!

♪♪

♪♪

Well, Mr. Singleton, no wonder you threw your back out

lifting your daughter.

You have literally zero core strength.

Oh, my God.

Will I ever be able to pick her up again?

Only if you start exercising.

So there's nothing I can do?

Look, you need to work on your core

if you want to get better.

I would like a second opinion.

Start exercising

or you will never lift your daughter again.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Let's do this. For Candice.

[ Grunting ]

[ Groaning, vomiting ]

[ Coughs ]

Jim: You know what they say...

if you ain't pukin', it ain't workin'.

Jim Crunch.

Thank you, strong sir.

You ever get tired of playin' with the pups

and want to run with the big dogs,

I'm right next door.

I want to run with the big dogs.

What we do here isn't just exercise, Josh.

It's a church

where we max out greatness...

annihilate weakness...

and discover unrealized swole-tential.

[ Grunts ]

Weights are my angels, and gains are my God.

We're not just blastin' bodies, we're blastin' lives.

Whoa.

You make it sound like a cult. Thanks!

If you do everything I say and devote yourself

to the swoletown system of WODs --

"workouts of the day" --

you will get the massive gains you deserve.

I just want to be able to lift up my daughter.

When I'm done with you,

you'll be able to kill your daughter.

First, here's you right now, string bean.

But next, you'll get swole.

Then cut.

After that, ripped, yoked, jacked,

and finally, shredded, which is what I am.

[ Grunting ]

Wow. What's that?

Oh, no one has ever achieved absolute unit.

You have to complete the impossible WOD,

which could literally kill you.

Let's focus on getting you swole first, okay?

Well, these don't look so --

[ Groans ]

Daddy, come play with me!

Sorry, Candice.

A few more WODs and a couple of protein shakes,

and I should be able to lift you as high as the ceiling.

Yay!

Jim Crunch says that pain is just weakness leaving the body.

And if you ain't achin', it ain't workin'.

Know your limits and defy them daily.

Because you don't stop when you're tired --

you stop when you're done.

And if you --

[ Bones crack ]

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Watch beeping ]

♪ Come on now ♪

♪♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Yeah!

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪♪

♪♪

Sorry.

Bridgette, I'm scared.

[ Grunts ]

Yeah, you're married to a monster.

No, I'm scared of how hot Josh is.

I always thought I was attracted to string-bean beta males,

but apparently, I love big, ham-hock hunks.

Em, check this out --

I got that "V" thing like the dudes from "300."

"I. Am. Sparta!"

[ Chuckles ]

Uh...

Daddy, can we go play "King Kong"?

You bet! Uhp! [ Watch beeping ]

Sorry, I gotta get to Swoletown.

If I miss even one workout or meal,

I could lose my massive gains.

Hell, yeah! Sorry.

But we were playing.

[ Sighs ] I know, sweetie.

But it's important we support him now that he's hot.

99.

100!

Congrats, Josh. You're officially shredded.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Thanks, guys. But I need more.

I want to become an absolute unit.

[ All gasp ]

It's too dangerous.

The last guy who attempted the impossible WOD

died after his hammies exploded.

[ Scoffs ] You know what they say --

If you ain't dyin', it ain't workin'.

Bro, listen. This is me, Jim Crunch, talking.

Even if your hammies survive the 'splozh,

we don't know what all that muscle could do to your mind.

My dude, I appreciate you.

But would you tell the sun

not to rise and grind each morning?

Would you tell the moon

not to blast its quads into the night sky?

Oh, I love your energy right now, brah.

If anyone can become an absolute unit,

it's you, brah.

I'm gonna start a gratitude journal

and just write your name in it, brah.

You're the wind beneath my traps, brah.

You're the reason I got so good at kegels, brah!

Words fail me, bro!

Bro! Bro!

[ Both howling ]

Daddy, look at my drawing!

Not now, Candice, I'm making a chicken smoothie.

[ Blender whirring ]

Be firm.

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

God, he's so freakin' hot.

[ Clears throat ] Josh, we need to talk.

I'm horny -- happy you've gotten so healthy.

What I'm trying to sex is -- shit, hold on.

[ Sighs ]

Josh? You're neglecting Candice.

You haven't played with her all week.

We just made this chicken smoothie together.

She's fine.

Oh...

Maybe I have been a little preoccupied.

[ Watch beeping ] Damn.

I got to get back to the gym.

I'll play with Candice tomorrow --

the best "King Kong" ever.

Because once I do the impossible WOD,

I'll be an absolute unit.

I don't know what that is,

but somehow I know I need it.

Just promise you'll spend time with Candice, okay?

I promise.

[ Sighs ] It's like warm marble.

♪♪

Jim: The impossible WOD.

10 reps of every exercise at one 100% of your max.

♪♪

You've only got 10 minutes.

Ready?

[ Stopwatch beeps ] Go!

♪♪

♪♪

He's doing it, Tony.

He's really doing it.

Just one more rep, Josh!

[ Distorted grunting ]

♪♪

It's happening!

[ Grunts ]

You're the king.

King...Kong?

Candice!

I coming to play!

Hang on, you gotta take a victory selfie for the wall!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Worth it, bro.

Check the passport of your heart.

Anything to declare?

Yes. Inner peace.

[ Grunts ]

Play. With. Candice!

Dad?

I know perfect place play "King Kong."

[ Grunts ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Car alarm blaring ]

Going up!

Daddy go higher!

[ Sirens wail, tires screech ]

Mom! It's okay, Candice!

Josh, you look incredible.

Please put our daughter down.

Candice ready to play "King Kong"?

Uh, this is pretty freaky,

but I'll take what I can get?

[ Laughs ] [ Watch beeping ]

Huh? Workout time.

Me go back gym.

But we didn't play!

Strong Daddy need gains!

You care more about your stupid gains than me.

I wish you never got strong.

Oh!

What if me no able pick you up?

You getting so big.

I don't care if you can't pick me up to play.

Just as long as we play.

Really?

Of course.

Oh, forget the gym.

Let's play.

Oh!

[ Laughing ] I love you, Dad!

I love you, t--

Bullseye.

[ Groans ]

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Groans ]

That's my husband.

Hunk, right?

[ Gasps ] Huh?

How long have I been out? Three hours.

[ Gasps ] That's five meals, four smoothies, and two workouts!

I lost all my gains.

That's okay.

I liked strong Dad, but I love Dad Dad.

Yeah, no, it's -- it's good that you're normal again.

Was I feeling passion I've never felt before?

Yes. "But..."?

No, that's it.

Well, there is one final workout I need to do.

♪♪

[ All grunting ]

♪♪

[ All sobbing ]

♪♪

Jim Crunch!

All: DNA! DNA! DNA! DNA! DNA!

DNA! DNA!

What's up? What are we doing?

We got our results back

from that bulk genetic test we bought from Costco!

Nice. So, whose ancestors killed who?

Well, my people came from Guadalajara...

Bridgette's came from Kyoto...

and Josh is white.

Can you believe it?

Mine says there's a 92% chance

I'm descended from a long line of...creeps?

[ Chuckles ]

Ooh, aha.

[ Chuckling ]

You're out of here!

Well, that doesn't seem scientific!

Please let me be related to Bruce Willis.

Well, this can't be right.

Ma told me my birth parents died.

But Costco says they're living in Malibu?!

[ All gasp ]

[ Chuckles ] Ooh, ahh, ooh!

♪♪

♪♪

You told me they were dead!

Randy -- And not just that they were dead --

that they were astronauts

who went on a top-secret mission to Mars!

Where they and their trusty chimpanzee, Derek,

were attacked by Martians

and they heroically died protecting the spaceship.

Is none of that true?!

I'm so sorry.

It's just -- I could never bring myself

to tell you the truth about your parents.

Which is?

[ Sighs ]

Your parents, Wyatt and Deborah Trickle,

were thieves.

And not just any thieves.

Gas thieves.

Masters of the "sip 'n slip."

They slurped gas out of tanks

from Santa Maria to Santa Clarita.

Deborah was "the nose..." [ Sniffs ]

...able to sniff out a full tank from 30 yards away.

Wyatt was "the cheeks,"

able to suck gas out of a tank faster than you can say

"Hey, what you doing over there? That's my car!"

Then, one night, I came along.

[ Gun cocks ] Hands up!

[ Gasps ]

Little did I know

what they'd be willing to do to get away.

♪♪

They left you behind so they could make off

with 15 gallons of premium unleaded.

Aww.

Eventually, the law caught up to them.

I brought you to visit them

to try to keep them in your life.

Here! But they weren't interested.

[ Electricity crackles ]

So, that's why I never told you.

I couldn't stand the idea of you thinking

someone wouldn't want you.

Well, despite what you think,

I'm a big boy that can handle the truth.

In fact, I already e-mailed my parents,

and I'm meeting them today.

Randy, you need to be careful.

Ma! I can take care of myself!

Ow! No!

Do not kiss it better!

I'm a grown man!

I'll kiss it better!

[ Smooches ] Better.

Hey! How was the toy store?

A bust. Candice thought everything was for babies.

Luckily, Home Depot was having a sale next door.

[ Whirring, laughter ]

You bought her a leaf blower?!

You're the one who always says she should be playing

with non-gendered toys!

Ohh.

Ohh.

Look at that red-ass Mullet.

You must be a Trickle.

C'mon 'n give us some sugar!

[ Laughs ] A Trickle.

Aww.

I don't know what to say.

Hell, neither do we.

But let's head inside and talk over some fine dinin'.

♪♪

What?! McRibs?!

That's G-God's favorite sandwich!

Hell, yes!

When you're with the Trickles,

McRibs are on the menu year round!

Take that, Ronald McDonald,

you withholdin' sack of dog shit.

[ Slurping, groaning ]

I can't believe how incredible this is.

My mo-- um -- Pearle told me you were bad people.

You obviously can't be.

'Cause you guys are rich.

Well, we were bad people.

Out of our minds on gas fumes.

Always lookin' for the next big slurp.

When we got out of prison, we straightened up.

No more suckin' gas from cars.

What do you do now?

We're frackers! We suck gas from the land.

I use "the nose" to sniff out natural gas.

[ Sniffs ]

And I use "the cheeks" [Slurping]

to lay back and sip hillbilly Mai Tais.

Mountain Dew and rum.

This tastes like I banged my head on a pole.

I love it.

[ Slurping ]

Hot damn, look at that!

You got the cheeks, too!

I guess I do!

Randy, we are so sorry for not reachin' out.

We just -- Ah, we thought it was best you move on.

We didn't deserve to be your parents.

I don't care what you did in the past.

The important thing is you're here now,

and you aren't tossing me at anyone as a means of escape.

Hell, I'll drink to that!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Groans ]

Thanks for the ride, Mom and Dad.

Today was perfect.

It was our pleasure.

[ Gasps, sniffs ]

Do you smell gas?

[ Laughing ]

Candice! Stop giving that kid sick air!

Ah. Never mind.

Pearle! Get on over here!

[ Grunts ]

We can't thank you enough for doing such a terrific job

raising our boy.

Looks like we threw our baby at the right cop.

Just stepping up where others wouldn't.

What're you two up to these days?

Still doing the ole sip 'n slip?

Ma! Geeze!

They don't steal gas anymore!

They frack it.

It's more like burping the Earth.

What would you know about burping anything?

Ma! Stop getting hung up on the fact

that these guys abandoned me multiple times as a child

and be nice!

No, we understand, son.

We don't deserve her trust.

But we'd sure like to earn it.

We want to stay in Randy's life,

meet all his friends.

Why don't we throw a big party, right here?

A neighborhood carnival!

We'd do it at our place,

but we're re-glazing our butthole washers.

In Europe, they're called "bidettes."

That'd be amazing! Alright then.

♪♪

[ Whirring ]

[ Laughing ]

Oh, geeze!

I have to say, Randy, this is pretty fun.

I'm sorry I misjudged the Trickles.

That's okay.

I just wish I'd known about them sooner.

Well, I hope you realize

I did what I did out of love.

Uh, yeah. I guess so.

[ Sniffs ] Huh?

[ Sniffing ]

♪♪

Huh. [ Grunts ]

Fracking?!

No, son. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

We set this whole thing up so we could do

a little bit of secret frackin'.

[ Chuckles ]

I knew I smelled gas!

Well, Goddamn.

You got the cheeks and the nose.

You're fracking under my house?

Soon as we pulled up the other day, I smelled it.

Ah, the motherlode, right here.

We had to have it.

Them swings're suckin' out natural gas as we speak.

[ Children shouting ]

I'm sorry we didn't tell ya, bud.

It's just the city can get real prickly

about fracking under people's houses.

And we'll cut you in on the proceeds.

Ah, you're a Trickle now!

Huh. Are you sure this is safe?

Of course!

Nothin' bad ever happened from fracking.

[ Screaming ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ Clattering ]

[ Screaming ]

That's probably a coincidence.

[ Screaming ]

That sinkhole ain't playin'!

Let's bail! C'mon, Randy!

It's time for the ole sip 'n slip!

No! You're gonna destroy my home!

What do you expect us to do,

dump the gas back into the ground,

fill up the sinkhole,

and go back to bein' all buddy buddy?

Yeah, I guess!

Sorry, Randy, but we ain't exactly the type

that puts gas into stuff.

Now are you a Trickle or not?

[ Groaning ]

Adios, son!

Until next time!

♪♪

[ Panting ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ All gasp ]

Aaaah!

[ Whirring ]

[ All gasp ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Gasps ]

Dad! Don't do this!

Sorry, son.

I love ya... but I love gas more.

[ Grunts ]

[ Screams ]

Ma?!

I'll always be there to catch you, baby.

What are we gonna do?

Uh-huh.

[ Tires screech ] [ Sniffs ]

♪♪

My God.

[ Slurping ]

He's the greatest Trickle that ever lived.

♪♪

[ Tires screech ]

[ Sirens wail ]

[ Guns cock ]

That boy sucks just like his daddy.

[ Whirring ]

I can't hold it much longer!

♪♪

♪♪

[ All cheering ]

Yay!

Ma, you've given me the best life I could've asked for.

I may've inherited the Trickle nose and cheeks,

but I got your heart.

Oh, baby.

[ Chuckles ]

Get rid of it! [ Grunts ]

Candice: Has anyone seen my leaf blower?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪