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00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,410
ANNOUNCER (V.O.):
Previously on Big Time...
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00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,951
I don't know how much longer
I can take it out there, Ben.
3
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,706
Yeah, well, I don't know
how much longer I can take it in here, Jack!
4
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:15,484
Step one, you go buy me drugs.
5
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,123
[DIANA]
Del might be a criminal.
6
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,218
If this guy so much as sneezes,
you're gonna know about it.
7
00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:21,861
Step two, I take all
of those drugs.
8
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,823
Here we come.
9
00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:25,362
[JACK]
Whoa!
10
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:26,729
[DIANA]
Jack needs a car.
11
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,627
Arr!
Agh!
12
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,330
Step three, you check me
into Ben's rehab.
13
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:32,702
Is this heaven?
14
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,400
Please call my brother Jack,
he'll tell you it was a mistake!
15
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:37,173
I've never done drugs
in my life!
16
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,141
No!
17
00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:57,860
Whoo!
18
00:00:58,126 --> 00:01:00,256
( LAUGHING )
19
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,495
Oh, don't trip, I ain't goin'
nowhere. Don't you go nowhere.
20
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,370
Hah-hah-hah!
Where's Cuba?
21
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,169
Yessir!
22
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:14,181
You're missing a hell
of a party, big bro.
23
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:16,335
I'll be right in, Big O.
24
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,381
Man, you need to ease up
off of that [BLEEP].
25
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,810
Mother[BLEEP], I said
I'd be right in!
26
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,854
I'll shoot you in your
mother[BLEEP] face!
27
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,586
You're right... my fault.
You got it.
28
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:38,004
Stu, tell me you got some good
news for me, my brother.
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STU (OVER PHONE):
They went with someone else, Cuba.
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00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,741
All right, you know,
I'm sorry, Cuba.
31
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,495
What do you want me to do, huh?
32
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,574
You know, Spielberg said that
you stole $50 out of his wallet during the meeting?
33
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:48,584
What?
Did you?
34
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:49,736
Cuba, are you high right now?
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00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,283
That's besides the point!
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00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:53,979
That is not besides the point!
That is exactly the point, man.
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00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:55,678
Nobody's gonna work with you,
unless you get sober.
38
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:57,423
No, you have to suck
a [BLEEP] and hiccup!
39
00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:58,648
That's what the [BLEEP]
you gotta do.
40
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,492
Finger [BLEEP] me
in a duck suit!
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00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:02,858
I don't want to have to talk
about a damn thing, but your momma in my drawers!
42
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:06,826
Look, Cuba, you gotta
listen to me now, okay?
43
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:09,397
Nobody's gonna want to work
with you until you get sober.
44
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:10,957
Listen, Stu! Listen to me
for a second, man!
45
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,674
You gotta understand
something, man!
46
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,436
I'm in a real bad way,
I got into--
47
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,865
I got into some trouble with
some real serious people, man!
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00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,910
I just need you to look out
for me a little bit.
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00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,076
I can't look out for you
until you get sober, okay?
50
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,913
You need to check yourself into
rehab and then I can help you.
51
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,552
Trust me.
Fine. Fine!
52
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:31,418
But it's gotta be quick,
and somewhere discreet.
53
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:46,533
Whoo!
54
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,674
* Rainbow whoa oh oh
whoa oh oh *
55
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:51,609
* Rainbow
56
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,253
Agh! Agh!
57
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,785
Oh, I'm sorry.
58
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:07,886
Were you not enjoying your stay
here at the Four Seasons?
59
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:11,088
Time to wake up and work off
your shakes, you junky loser!
60
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,759
Home... I want to go home.
61
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,561
Yeah, me, too... unstrap him!
62
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,673
I want to go home!
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00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:22,042
He walks over, he pulls
the sheet up, I look at it...
64
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,805
and this thing's got
the body of a tiger...
65
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:27,705
and the legs of a crocodile!
66
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:28,908
Jack?
67
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,909
Oh, Ben, what's up?
That's my brother.
68
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:34,583
I got a brother, too,
his name is Steve.
69
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:36,122
Oh, my god, I can't believe
you're here, Jack. What's going on, buddy?
70
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:39,054
This place is incredible,
no work, tons of food. No, it's not.
71
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,462
Pajamas are the uniform.
This is like my heaven, man.
72
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,015
No, it's not, man, it's hell.
It is.
73
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,293
Oh, hey, Brenda?
Ssh.
74
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,685
Sorry, hey, can I get a little
more of that meat sauce?
75
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:47,904
Bring it to my room
when you get a chance.
76
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,995
Of course, iced tea
to wash it down?
77
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,297
Uh-huh, I would love some.
78
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,902
Oh, Jack, you don't want to talk
to her, she's the devil, Jack.
79
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:56,801
You are freaking me out.
Are you okay, man? No, I'm not okay.
80
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:57,974
Okay, well, where are the
celebrities?
81
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,641
Oh, there's no celebrities
here, Jack.
82
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,910
There's never gonna be
celebrities.
83
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,908
Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?
84
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,048
What?
85
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:18,087
Hey, Del.
86
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:25,773
You know, sometimes I drink so
much, I can't remember if it's me that's loaded...
87
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,666
or my gun.
88
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,570
( SNICKERING )
89
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:32,942
( GASPING )
90
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,740
What do you think, Del?
You think it's loaded?
91
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:39,752
Is it loaded?
92
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,647
Is it loaded?
93
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:45,149
Is it loaded?
Is it loaded?
94
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:51,120
All right, now, you stay away
from Ben and Jack Dolfe...
95
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:52,994
effective immediately.
96
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,093
Do you understand?
97
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:02,366
Here... go and buy
yourself some new...
98
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,366
whatever the [BLEEP]
those things are.
99
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,375
There he is.
100
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:15,054
Okay, okay, don't say anything.
All right.
101
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,378
Just let me do all the talking.
102
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:17,887
I know how to handle
celebrities.
103
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,215
Being cool, I'm cool.
Okay.
104
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:22,888
Show me the money!
105
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,290
Hey, man, is it Cuba or Cooba?
I've always wondered--
106
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:30,295
That's not my name.
My name is Tom Watkins.
107
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:33,168
Understands me?
108
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,966
Uh, Mr. Good-- Watkins, we--
we didn't mean anything by it.
109
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,769
We just wanted to welcome you
to the facility. Please, pl--
110
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,271
If I wanted to hear something
from you, I'll rattle my zipper.
111
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:40,407
What?
You like to talk?
112
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,714
Repeat after me... chestnuts!
113
00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:44,410
Chestnuts.
Walnuts!
114
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,252
Walnuts.
Chin nuts.
115
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,254
Chin nuts.
No, that's a [BLEEP] in your mouth.
116
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,146
Chestnuts... walnuts...
117
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,520
Okay, it's-- he's-- I think
he's purple, he's purple.
118
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,517
He's purple.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
119
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,860
It's just, uh, you know, if the
paparazzi knew I was here...
120
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,260
it'd be a real problem for me.
121
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:02,329
Oh, it's the paparazzi.
122
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:03,560
Yeah.
Yeah.
123
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,434
Listen, let's just keep me
being here between us.
124
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,869
All right, you feel me?
Yes, absolutely, Mr. Watkins.
125
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,938
You feel me? You feel me?
Yeah, I feel you.
126
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,267
I know you see me,
but do you feel me?
127
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:12,839
Oh, yeah, I feel you.
You feel me?
128
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,110
Yeah.
Then why you still here?
129
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,237
No, no, okay, okay.
You know what I'm saying?
130
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:16,442
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
131
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,877
Okay, so good to meet you.
132
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,479
So good to--
it's great to meet you... Tom.
133
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:24,522
Have a good one.
It's good to meet you, Tom.
134
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,088
Oh, my god.
Y'all have a blessed day.
135
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,317
[JACK]
That was amazing!
136
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,616
He left his handprints
on your neck! I know.
137
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,991
I just got choked by an
Oscar-winning actor. That was awesome.
138
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,034
Oh, here we go, this is me.
139
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,468
I-- is this your room?
140
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:41,904
Yeah, I asked for a lake view...
141
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,372
but apparently the facility
wasn't built on a lake, so...
142
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,512
you know, this was the next best
thing. It's not bad, though.
143
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,207
Compared to mine, it's insane!
144
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,339
What's this?
145
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,548
Oh, it's my welcome basket.
146
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,905
You don't understand,
I haven't eaten in two days.
147
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,924
They're just feeding me pills.
I'm eating this.
148
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,146
Yeah.
Oh, I'm so hungry.
149
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,990
Now we have a real
opportunity here.
150
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,346
If we could just pitch Cuba
on an idea he likes...
151
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,359
he's gonna punch
our ticket to stardom.
152
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:04,491
You mean Tom Watkins.
153
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,488
Paparazzi just ruinin' his life.
154
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,560
What a bunch of jerk-offs!
155
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,261
It's the "gotcha" media
nowadays, right?
156
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:10,962
You can't even check
into rehab...
157
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:14,334
without some scumbag paparazzi
sticking his camera in your face.
158
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,002
( MIMICS PAPARAZZI )
159
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,043
Oh, look, he's eating
a croissant.
160
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,308
Oh, look, he doesn't wear
any underwear.
161
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,737
Oh, gosh, his dick is huge.
162
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,579
Oh, no, now the head is sticking
out and it's winking at us.
163
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,348
Click, click, click.
164
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,154
Oh, surprise!
Now he's a drug addict...
165
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,948
because we follow him 24-7
and make him go crazy.
166
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,521
No wonder why Tom Watkins tried
to strangle you to death.
167
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:35,224
He's just frustrated.
168
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,332
Yes, frustrated with the
paparazzi, and what price do they pay?
169
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:40,155
None.
None, exactly.
170
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,530
Somebody ought to follow them
around until they go crazy.
171
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,970
Yeah, celebrities should get
together and follow the paparazzi.
172
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,625
Yes.
Take pictures of their babies...
173
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,604
or they take pictures of them
with no make-up on.
174
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,402
Yes!
175
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,308
Or they take pictures of them
eating cereal and then the celebrities can say...
176
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,975
"How do you like it,
you paparazzi scum?"
177
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,275
Yes! That is a show
I would watch!
178
00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:59,007
Me, too.
179
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,682
Oh, my god.
What?
180
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:04,621
That... is a show
I would watch.
181
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:13,731
Well, I'd like to report that
my crack fixation, it's gone.
182
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,397
I took Phil's advice
and I found myself a hobby.
183
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:20,925
I've been producing my own
toilet cam videos.
184
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:24,944
Psst... hey.
Some people call them "vids" for short.
185
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:28,278
It's actually a passion
of mine, that I--
186
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:32,045
I wa-- I wanted
to apologize about before.
187
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:35,822
And also, what I forgot
to mention was that we are in the biz, okay?
188
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,586
In a major way, so it's cool,
no worries.
189
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:40,617
Yeah.
190
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,661
Uh, anyway, it's as
simple as it sounds...
191
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:46,786
just online videos of people
defacating and urinating...
192
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:50,064
and wiping and masturbating--
193
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,900
And actually, on that--
on that note, um...
194
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,300
I have an idea for a show
that I think is gonna really interest you.
195
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:58,513
Okay, it's called
To Catch a Paparazzi.
196
00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:01,876
It stars you. You invade
paparazzi houses.
197
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,035
You take pictures of them,
take pictures of their kids...
198
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,754
take pictures of their families,
you see how they like it.
199
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,147
Yeah, now we see
how they like it.
200
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,347
If you don't stop talkin',
I'm gonna twist your wrist clean off...
201
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,022
suffocate you with the bone,
hear me?
202
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,661
Oh, yeah, yeah--
203
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,157
Ow.
204
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:20,686
So sorry to bother you,
Mr. Watkins, but you have a phone call.
205
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:21,864
What?
206
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,862
There's a phone call for you.
207
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,168
Ow.
208
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:33,536
Um, hey, at least he didn't pull
out a weapon this time.
209
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:35,481
Yeah, that's true,
we're getting closer.
210
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:39,083
My biggest challenge is-- and
I'm working on it, believe me...
211
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,409
is an airplane toilet.
212
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:44,854
I mean, I specifically take
flights now and I'm eyeing...
213
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:47,992
you know, where--
where the security man is.
214
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,488
And you know, but th--
it's tough!
215
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,925
H-- how'd you know I was here?
216
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,827
MODULATED VOICE (O.S.)
We wouldn't be very good at our business...
217
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:59,429
if we didn't know where our
favorite clients were.
218
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:02,002
How's rehab? Are you getting
the help you need?
219
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,742
Listen, listen, I got your money
and I can bring it to you...
220
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,109
I just don't-- I just don't
have it here in rehab with me.
221
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,938
You know, they don't let you
bring cash in here.
222
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,213
MODULATED VOICE (O.S.)
I would like to meet tonight.
223
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,176
No, now-- now wait a minute.
Now wait a minute, now wait a minute.
224
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,847
I-- I-- I can get you
your money, I just need a little more time.
225
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:22,421
MODULATED VOICE (O.S.)
There is no more time. I'll see you tonight.
226
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,692
Hello?
227
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:31,628
I think we just need to come
up with a new strategy.
228
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,732
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
give him some space.
229
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,604
Yes, give him some space.
230
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:38,774
And we'll try again
in ten minutes.
231
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:41,142
Hey! Oh, there y'all are!
232
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,611
Oh! Hey!
233
00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:44,010
You know, I was just saying
to myself, I said...
234
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:47,111
"Cuba, you need to find those
two brothers and apologize."
235
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:48,254
Really?
236
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,053
I'm obviously not Tom Watkins,
man, let's start over, shall we? Ah, oh!
237
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,792
You're obviously
Cuba Gooding Jr.!
238
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,259
So good to meet you.
Wow!
239
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:58,794
Hey, listen...
Mm-hm.
240
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,132
Y'all guys are probably
from this town, right?
241
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:04,058
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I guess you could say we're both from Hollywood.
242
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,626
That means you probably got
a car, too, right?
243
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,795
Well, we don't technically have
a car. No, we don't have a car.
244
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:13,214
No-- yeah, but we could get--
we could get one for ya'. Yeah.
245
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,076
You could get one?
Yeah, what you thinkin' CG2?
246
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,005
Well, listen, that idea you had?
247
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,910
You know, about breaking
into scumbag's homes?
248
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,582
You mean paparazzis.
249
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:21,748
Yeah.
Yeah.
250
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,752
Could we do that [BLEEP] today?
251
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,788
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, yeah.
252
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,617
Yeah?
We could-- we could--
253
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:31,256
Yeah, we could w--
All right, that's what I like to hear, my brother.
254
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,888
You go get that car and
I'll be ready in 15 minutes.
255
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,934
Yeah, and a-- and a camera.
256
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,129
What?
Yeah, we'll get the car and the camera.
257
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,631
Yeah, we gotta film it.
258
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,098
Right.
Yeah.
259
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,772
Just get that car.
260
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,807
Yeah, we'll get that car
and that camera. No problem, Mr Junior, sir.
261
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:50,037
Oh, my god! Aren't you--
Wait.
262
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,381
He's gone! Oh!
263
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,575
Oh, my god!
264
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:57,951
Oh, hello, welcome to Big Deal
Mart, it's a beautiful day.
265
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,449
Excuse me. Hello.
266
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:02,589
JACK (O.S.)
Del, it's Jack.
267
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,119
Jack, I told you
not to call me here.
268
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,264
Yes, I know, but this
is very important.
269
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,129
But the man with the gun
said that I couldn't see you...
270
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,928
and I peed my pants.
271
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:12,370
Del, what the living [BLEEP]
are you talking about?
272
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:15,135
He put a gun in my mouth
and he shot it...
273
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,905
and he shot it and it was awful!
Del!
274
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:20,805
I'm sorry for whatever
nightmare you had last night...
275
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,381
but we absolutely do not have
time for your bull[BLEEP]!
276
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,706
But, Jack--
277
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,982
Del! Just get a camera and
a car...
278
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,951
and bring it to the rehab
where you dropped me off!
279
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,991
Jack, the man is going
to kill me.
280
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,187
Del! I will kill you!
I will torture you!
281
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,460
I will come to your house!
I don't think it's working--
282
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:40,686
Your face is getting really red!
283
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,458
I will come to your house!
No, no, no.
284
00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:44,829
And I will sew your ass shut!
I don't think it's-- okay, o--
285
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,372
And I will just keep
feeding you! Jack, don't threaten him!
286
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:47,696
Threats don't work.
...and feeding you!
287
00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:50,335
...and feeding you!
Do you hear me?
288
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,937
Jack, there's a-- let me--
let me try. Del!
289
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:54,369
At least, I don't--
He's doing this on purpose!
290
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,614
It's not working.
291
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,208
BEN (O.S.)
Hey, Del, it's Ben. Oh, hi, Ben.
292
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,080
We need you, Del, okay?
This is your moment.
293
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,409
This is your moment
to be the hero.
294
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,223
Cuba Gooding Jr. is here
and he wants to work with us.
295
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,376
Snow Dogs.
296
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,294
Now bring the car and the
camera, okay, Del?
297
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,856
Should I take Jack's car?
298
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,455
What? Jack's car?
299
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,056
Yeah, your dad
just bought it for him.
300
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,328
Dad bought you a car?
301
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,955
I didn't know that.
He bought me a car?
302
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,231
All right, well, yeah,
bring Jack's car. That was nice.
303
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,099
Okay, good, bye.
304
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:21,368
I'm sorry,
my best friend needs me.
305
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,470
Mom and Dad got you a car.
306
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,111
Yeah, I didn't even know that.
307
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,876
I guess they felt like
I deserved it, since they paid for your sweet rehab.
308
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:31,079
Hey, hey, you guys ready?
Why aren't you dressed? Yeah.
309
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:32,178
You got the car, right?
310
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,509
Yes, we got the car!
311
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,583
Our fat, little friend'll
be here in about ten minutes.
312
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:37,283
All right, good, look,
I signed us out.
313
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,124
Now let's go get our stuff,
let's go, let's get out of here! Come on!
314
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:40,889
Wait, wait, wait.
How did you do this?
315
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,094
Last time I tried to get
out of here, they popped me full of lithium.
316
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,290
Did you ask to sign out?
317
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,061
No.
Well, that's all you gotta do.
318
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,129
Uh, excuse me? We can
just leave whenever we want?
319
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:51,229
Of course, rehabs are voluntary.
320
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,271
You stupid asshole.
321
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,065
Come on, yo, let's go.
Come on!
322
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,037
Did you hear her
call me a stupid--
323
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:57,596
Neither one of you heard that?
324
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,464
[SCOLES]
Breaking and entering.
325
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:30,499
Stupid junkies... never learn.
326
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,113
[BEN]
I can't believe they bought you a car.
327
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,281
They throw me in rehab and they
buy you a car? So typical.
328
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,750
Oh, yeah, because
she's a real beaut.
329
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:42,948
Well, at least you have one.
330
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,224
Uh, stop! That's him! That's
him, he's a notorious paparazzi!
331
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,319
[BEN] Really?
[CUBA] Yeah.
332
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:48,660
[JACK] That guy?
[CUBA] Mm-hm.
333
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,155
What did he do to you?
334
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,387
He took pictures of me
while I was in the bath...
335
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,362
playing with myself.
Oh!
336
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:55,631
What a pervert!
Mm-hm.
337
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,298
Unreal, man... all right,
so what should we do?
338
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,498
Well, I'm more
of an improv guy...
339
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,240
so let's just freestyle
and see where it takes us. Yes.
340
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,966
Oh, my god!
341
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:08,012
Okay, Del, get the camera ready.
You are about to shoot some world-class improv.
342
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,675
No, no, no, you stay here,
keep the car running.
343
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:11,777
Oh, who's gonna run the camera?
344
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,308
You!
345
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:16,453
Oh, we actually talked about
possibly co-hosting together, so--
346
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:17,649
Not anymore.
347
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:18,690
Yeah, what are you doing?
Just shoot it! Okay.
348
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,285
And keep that camera off me!
349
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,357
Off of you? I thought that was
the whole point?
350
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,393
Well, not at first, at first,
we want to be more mysterious.
351
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,363
You know? Build the suspense.
352
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,331
Follow my lead!
353
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,300
Freakin' genius!
354
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,499
Why do we even have Del
around, then?
355
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:37,735
Have fun, guys.
356
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:39,868
Wait, hold on!
How do I look?
357
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:41,267
You look great.
How do I look?
358
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,614
Good.
Oh, wait, doesn't matter, because I'm the camera guy.
359
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:46,550
Are you serious right now?
Come on, we're about to shoot with Cuba Gooding Jr.
360
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,016
Fine.
361
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,521
Okay. Hi,
I'm T. Jackson Dolfe.
362
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,047
I'm T Jackson--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
363
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:53,519
What is-- what is T Jackson?
What's that?
364
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,720
T, it sounds more professional.
365
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,292
Whatever. Okay, go.
366
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,461
Hello, I'm T Jackson Dolfe
and this is...
367
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,500
Can I help you?
To Catch a Papara--
368
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:04,756
Oh!
Whoa!
369
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:05,874
Did you get that?
370
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,673
Yes!
Oh, my god!
371
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,737
I think he killed the guy!
372
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,636
Holy hell!
373
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,383
Whoa!
374
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,905
Is that him?
Yeah, that's him!
375
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:18,654
And he owe me money, too!
376
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:19,775
Oh.
377
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,123
Hey! You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
378
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,875
Tie him to that chair! And
if he comes to, grill his ass!
379
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,722
I'm gonna go upstairs and
make sure there's no more, uh, paparazzi scum.
380
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,120
[BEN] All right!
[JACK] Yeah!
381
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,059
Okay, there he is.
We just got permission to grill you.
382
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:35,062
Oh, here he is.
Look at this scumbag.
383
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:37,502
Oh, hi there, Mr. Paparazzi.
How many lives have you ruined?
384
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,497
Huh? All right, I'm gonna find
something to tie him up.
385
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:41,629
Oh, okay, yeah.
386
00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:52,177
And action...
387
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,875
Hello, I'm T Jackson Dolfe.
388
00:16:54,981 --> 00:17:00,091
And I am here at the home of one
of the most vile, disgusting and dangerous members...
389
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,947
of the paparazzi.
390
00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:08,529
Join us on this episode of...
To Catch a Paparazzi.
391
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:10,726
You get it?
392
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,100
I'm a scumbag paparazzi.
393
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,768
[BEN]
I take pictures of panties.
394
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:21,209
I take pictures of pa--
I wait for no underwear and take pictures!
395
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:26,110
How do you like it?
How do you like it?
396
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,523
How do you like it?
How do you like it?
397
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:29,945
How do you like--
How do you like it?
398
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,947
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
399
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,189
I'm saying the line.
400
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:35,286
Yeah, that's my line.
I'm the on-screen talent.
401
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,485
I came up with that line.
It was my line first.
402
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,260
Camera guys don't have lines.
403
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:42,259
What've you ever watched
60 Minutes and hear a camera guy just start mouthing off...
404
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:43,759
in the middle of an interview
with the Clintons?
405
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,773
You know what? You film it.
You film it, I'm done.
406
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:49,565
Are you effing with me? We have
got Cuba Gooding Jr. up there.
407
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,599
Uh-oh, look, paparazzi scum
waking up.
408
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:52,844
I wish we had someone
to film it.
409
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:55,579
Okay, for episode two,
we can both host together.
410
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,175
Do you promise?
Yes, I promise.
411
00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,147
Thank you, that's all I wanted.
Okay, go!
412
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,007
Um, who are you?
413
00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:06,149
I'm T Jackson Dolfe,
and I have a question for you.
414
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,889
[JACK]
How do you like it?
415
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,588
( WOMAN SCREAMING )
416
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,360
Oh, look, he's got
a wife and kids!
417
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:16,159
Tommy! Run! Run, Tommy! Go!
418
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:19,066
Oh, look at me! I'm an
over aggressive paparazzi!
419
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,402
[JACK]
Oh, how do you like that, scumbag!
420
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,979
Uh-oh, time for the upskirt!
421
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,177
Oh! Do you get it?
She just hit me!
422
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,676
You are getting sued!
423
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:43,422
Oh, whoa, whoa!
424
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,790
No, I'm not a paparazzi!
I'm a teacher!
425
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:46,992
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait!
426
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,063
You said I had a month!
What? Wait!
427
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:50,426
[CUBA]
Wait, look.
428
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,032
[SCOLES]
Oh, [BLEEP]!
429
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:56,071
I'm gonna get the money!
Give this to Holgado!
430
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,403
I'm a six-grade science teacher!
431
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:01,871
Yeah, right!
That's a likely story, you freakin' bottom feeder!
432
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:09,480
Look at this, look! See this?
Look at all this jewelry.
433
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,289
I know it's not enough!
Please, please, guys, please!
434
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,245
( CUBA SCREAMING )
Oh!
435
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:15,364
What the hell is that?
436
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:16,885
Oh, sh-- come on, no!
437
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,231
Hold it!
438
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,330
Uh, Ben?
439
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,443
Hey-- hey, Jack? Do you want to
come look at this real quick?
440
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:33,366
I think that Cuba just
improv-ed getting kidnapped.
441
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,813
[BEN]
Have you noticed all these awards on the wall?
442
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,448
[BEN] I'm just seeing them.
[JACK] What?
443
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,375
[BEN]
Rick Kocher is "Teacher of the Year" again.
444
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,888
Oh, no.
445
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,857
( WHIMPERING )
446
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,294
Oh, my god!
I love you so much.
447
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,433
I love you!
448
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:05,271
Living my life with you--
Please!
449
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:08,542
Hey... this was--
hey, okay.
450
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,511
We are so sorry.
We are so sorry.
451
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,150
We are so sorry, okay?
It's a huge misunderstanding.
452
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,546
Th-- this is the wrong house.
453
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,047
[BEN]
Brah, we got bad info.
454
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,988
I just want to show you me
deleting your wife's upskirt shots.
455
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,085
Oh, don't show me those!
Oh, no!
456
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:21,216
No, no, no,
I'm gonna erase them.
457
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,361
Just leave!
You know, okay, you know what?
458
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,085
Get out of my house!
We should probably go.
459
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:25,460
Okay, all right.
Okay!
460
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,258
[BEN]
Sorry. You have a lovely home! [JACK] So sorry.
461
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,160
Oh, god! What the hell was that,
Jack!
462
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,962
I don't know, but I think
Cuba just got kidnapped.
463
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,033
Why did he have us terrorize
that teacher?
464
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,072
I don't know, we just gotta
get the hell out of here!
465
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,566
Oh, my gosh.
Whoa.
466
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,241
Who the hell are you?
467
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,580
We're gonna have
to have a little talk.
468
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:43,835
What?
469
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:46,111
Drive.
470
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,640
I'm gonna ask a question, and
then I'm gonna need an answer...
471
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:18,583
or you're all
just as good as dead.
472
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:21,508
I have prepared a romantic
evening for the two of us. Oh.
473
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,354
Listen!
Oh!
474
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,480
You better tell me
what you're hiding.
475
00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:26,154
Oh, no.
No.
476
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:27,792
[ALAN]
They got it in my mouth?
477
00:21:27,842 --> 00:21:32,392
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