Original subtitles

- Who's that? - The new judge. He arrived yesterday.

- Good day to you. - We kiss your hands...

- He's ajudge? - Yes... a judge.

- Is he dangerous? - No, no... he's a gentleman.

Why did you speak so quietly then?

Moron, because I got a cold! I lost my voice!

GIOVANNONA LONG-THIGH, HONORABLY DISHONORED

You're a local, what weather can we expect?

What would I know?

Hold this, Laganà...

What barbarians!

- This needs analysing immediately... - Drugs?

No, dirty river water. Send it to the Catania hygiene office.

Will do.

Come in.

Good day, judge.

The Catania report has come, the water analysis.

- Good, have you read it? - Yes, it says the water's polluted.

What a surprise, we didn't need Catania rocket science to learn that!

I want to know the cause.

The report talks of dangerous colored substances.

The pollution is caused by industrial effluent.

It probably comes from a paint factory.

Great, we'll strike immediately...

You're local, do you know of a factory near the river?

As far as I know there's only one... the cheese factory.

The Straccolone?!

SCANDAL IN SICILY

JUDGE FINDS POLLUTED STREAM

COMING FROM CHEESE FACTORY

STRACCOLONE FACTORY ORDERED SHUT

IS CHEESE TOXIC? INVESTIGATION UNDER WAY

THE STRACCOLONE SCANDAL

ITALIAN SKYSCRAPER

Commander La Noce is in his office and unavailable.

I repeat, he's busy. Try calling tomorrow.

Careful, that typewriter can give you a shock.

Albertini!

Albertini!

Where are you?!

- Tell me, s-s-sir... - Albertini, try to relax.

If you get upset you stutter, and if you stutter I get upset, ok?

- Yes, sir... - Give me a cigarette.

- They're finished... - Ok, forget it.

Have you found that "honorable" whatever?

I spent two days on the phone, got cramps in my fingers...

...all the "honorables" in Italy have vanished.

I knew it! The moment people need their representatives...

We have to find honorable Mr. Zuzzu, he always helps us!

- I did. - Did he hit you?

- Yes, with a pot. - Were you in a kitchen?

No, a clinic... it was ceramic, what they call a chamber pot.

- Is he sick? - Hepatitis.

He says it was ourfree samples.

Damn, you know you shouldn't eat our cheese!

What could I do? Our brochure is our only edible product!

It's too late now...

Sure! You're relaxed because you don't give a damn!

But if we go bust, your butt's on the street too!

Try laughing when you're in shit up to here.

- I'm sorry, the b-b-b... - You're an idiot!

- What?! - Commander...

Were you eavesdropping?

Do you want to know how we are? Awful, my beauty!

But you'll be fine, with those tits, you've no need to worry!

But I'm off! I'll go abroad, emigrate!

I'll go to Mexico, Peru, Lake Titicaca!

- "Titi" who? - Who knows?

To think I could be on television now.

- As an employee? - No, a p-p-presenter.

- I sat the exam! - How did it go?

- G-g-great! - Why didn't they take you?

They say I'm an a-a-anarchist!

What on earth are you doing?!

Go rest in peace!

- Can't you sleep? - No!

I won't be the only one staying awake tonight.

I realized that!

- Hello! - Hello, who's there?

- Albertini? - You sound far away...

Albertini!

- Hello? - I knew it! You were sleeping, right?

No, not at all! Who sleeps at 2 AM?

I don't care, I'm awake! How are we doing with Pedicò!

- With who? - With Pedicò!

- Who's he? - Idiot!

Two years ago he was industry under-secretary.

He's an important politician, might become a minister...

...and we don't know him! We have to woo certain people...

...as you woo beautiful women!

You're right, but with P-Pedicò we have an advantage...

...we're still virgins.

You won't be for long, one of these days I'll bust your ass!

No! "Virgins" in the sense that Pedicò still hasn't received...

...ourfree samples! - Right, that's true...

...but how can we reach him? - Through someone in his party.

Wait, wait!

Marta, will you let me have it?

Holy Mother, don't tempt me! I'm doing 40 hours...

Who cares, do six days if you want...

...do Milan-Sanremo, or whatever comes to mind!

Hello, Albertini? I've had an idea... Albertini?

- Moron! - Hello, who am I talking to?

Damn you! Are you asleep?

- No, I'm an insomniac! - Good. I've had an idea.

Do you remember Monsignor Alatri, he organized "Kids Cityy"?

- I was about to mention him! - I did instead!

We have to find him immediately.

I want to see him tomorrow. Call him at Rocca Pizzo...

...and book twwo flights for Catania.

- Call now, at 2 AM? - Sure... you're the insomniac.

Yes... but not the monsignor!

Don't call long distance, I pay the phone bill.

- How was your flight? - Wonderful, monsignor...

...a marvellous one hour. It's longer from Catania to here!

What a lovely day... Would you like a 'cannolo'?

No, don't tempt me... your offer is generous, however.

I hope your wife doesn't mind...

Why should my wife mind if I eat an extra 'cannolo'?

I was referring to the land you made available for "Kids City".

Right, I'd forgotten...

- It's also your wife's, right? - Yes, of course...

But as you know, Marta is a very devout woman.

This comforts me greatly. Clotilde, could you get the file, please...

Immediately, monsignor...

I don't think she'll oppose this small formality...

- What is it? - A binding commitment...

Your secretary mentioned the reason for your visit...

...so I prepared a small statement.

I see you don't waste time...

My motto is, "The paths to paradise are infinite, and should be walked well."

That's a good one!

- Would you care to sign? - Yes, yes, no, no, but...

...I don't have a pen! - Here, a Japanese double-tip!

- Writes 24 hours non-stop. - Great... you son of a bitch!

24 hours non-stop, Japanese double-tip... here, monsignor.

I'd like to take advantage of this meeting to ask your advice...

He already knows, commander...

- Did you tell him? - No, everyone knows your problem...

It's all lies! Chemical products are only used to purify...

If you can find one gram of that stuff in our Straccolone...

...I'll become a priest! I mean... it's slanderous!

Sure, but in cases like this you need top-level backing...

- We thought of Honorable Pedicò... - An excellent choice.

He's a devout Christian, a man of rare virtue.

He lives in a country villa with his wife MariaAnnunziata, known as Mary.

- Awoman of great... - Virtue?

No, stature.

They're often accompanied by his secretary, Eufemia...

...and attend midday mass every Sunday.

Carmelo Pedicò is the right man, his power is unlimited.

His word is law, his wishes command...

In the Rocca Pizzo province, come fair weather orfoul.

So, if it rains tomorrow we'll know who to blame!

We'll have no problem finding him on Sunday.

- There are other problems... - Why, is he stubborn, a crook?

- No, he's honest... - Then it's done!

Honorable Pedicò! May I have a word?

Ah, monsignor! Wait in the car, Mary...

Come with me...

Honorable, I wanted to introduce twwo dearfriends...

...Commander La Noce and accountantAIbertini, his secretary.

My secretary, Eufemia.

Commander La Noce is president of Straccolone, the cheese factory...

...currently, as you know, the victim of a regrettable circumstance.

Sadly Italy has 116,000 regrettable circumstances every day!

- I beg you, sir, you can do a lot... - I'm merely a deputy...

Yes, but everyone says you are a fat...

...I mean, a faithful interpreter of people's needs, soon to be a minister.

I thank you for the thought. The elections will be soon...

...and all will be clear! I'm sorry, my wife is waiting in the car.

- Let me accompany you. - Thank you...

- Another stitch up! - Really?

Didn't you hear? He wants to establish the truth.

Commander, we need to make a drastic decision.

- Don't say stupid things... - I didn't say anything stupid.

I knew it would end like that!

That priest made a fool of me!

He took the land, and we haven't heard from Pedicò since!

- It's been three days already! - Pedicò must have some flaw...

...if we find his weak point, we're there!

You spoke without stuttering, but nonsense as usual!

I know everything about Pedicò's past and present...

He doesn't steal, doesn't speculate, has no illegitimate children...

...doesn't blackmail, smuggle, or take drugs...

...and despite being Sicilian, he's not even mafia!

What an awful man!

- Who is it? - A priestfrom Monsignor Alatri.

Send him in!

Our man from heaven has come. Open, quickly...

Please...

Good day. Commander La Noce?

Yes, that's me, take a seat...

So, MonsignorAlatri, any news?

Actually, I'm not sure I can speak...

Speak freely, these are my collaborators... unfortunately.

I have an explosive document on your honorable gentleman...

- Pedicò?! - I can't name him...

I knew that honorable man, who we can't name...

...had an A-A-Achille's heel!

This is engineer De Vitis, our honorable helped him obtain...

...the famous Riva dei Ciclopi construction project.

This is engineer de Vitis' wife...

Oh, my gooooosh!

- I have to change... - No! Oh, please.

This is professor Tamigiani, our honorable helped make him head...

...of a Palermo clinic, even though, as a doctor, Tamigiani...

...is p-p-pitiful!

This is professor Tamigiani's wife...

- Holy fuck! - Behind me, Satan!

Move ahead, reverend!

This is professor Voccia...

...our honorable helped him obtain an exclusive patent...

...worth 200 million.

This is Mrs. Voccia, may God keep her safe!

What a guy, this Honorable Pedicò!

He has a weakness for other men's wives.

- Commander, we're riding a winner! - Albertini, dismount and think.

What can I do, send my wife to sleep with our honorable?

Knowing your wife, you'd do better to send the monsignor!

Albertini, you must be exhausted...

...take two days' vacation!

- Commander, I've an idea. - This time I'll shoot you!

Listen... your wife's all "church and home", no one knows her...

What's to stop us replacing her with another woman?

For example, with a beautiful girl like our Luisella...

Engineer, you've gone crazy!

My boyfriend plays basketball and he's six foot four!

Ask him, if you dare! Commander, may I go?

Good night! What's got into you?

It was just a hypothesis... do you know how many I can find, better than her?

I have a simple, infallible plan!

Friday night Pedicò takes the sleeper train for Rocca Pizzo...

...we find a beautiful girl who gets on the same train with you...

...who you introduce as your wife! Have I been clear?

You didn't stutter this time either, though it's not a bad idea!

- Can you find the right girl? - If I don't, I'll cut my...

- I'll hold you to it! - Not those... I'll cut my hair!

With modern technology, all it takes is a button!

- Hello, can I help? - Well, I'd like...

- Car, home or boat? - A"Girl Friday".

- Be clear. - A"girl for all boyfriends".

- Explain. - A loose woman...

- Be clear. - Aslut, ok?!

Fine, last on the left.

- Good day. - How can I help you?

The woman on information sent me...

...I'm looking for a special friend. - Tell me your preferences...

Tall, short, thin, rotund, blonde, red, brunette?

Actually, it's not for me, it's for a friend...

Don't you know your friend's tastes?

- She must be Swed... - Swedish?

No, a sweetie. One who makes you book heart treatment on sight.

I see, leave it to me...

Blonde, busty, 5 foot 8...

Ah, sorry, she has to be a good t-t-talker...

We'll put "good, quick tongue".

Perfect!

We're searching Turin to Venice. That's the best area.

The electronic brain will reply in 10 seconds...

See how quick it is?

Miss G.R., number 116, will fly Alitalia from Milan at 15:10 hours...

...arriving Rome 16:10.

- Are you sure you'll recognize her? - No, we've never met...

So what do we do, stop every blonde on sight?

We're in the hands of the electronic brain, its organization is perfect.

The girl will go to the news-stand and buy a copy of "Corriere di Brescia".

O-o-o...

- O-o... - Of course, over there...

No, I mean, oh fuck!

- That must be her... - Relax, we'll know in a moment.

- The "Giornale di Bergamo", please. - Isn't "Corriere di Brescia" better?

- Why? - Bergamo and Brescia are neighbors, no?

No.

When you make love, do you talk to your husband?

Only if he phones...

The "Giornale di Brescia", please...

Thanks.

- Are you from Brescia? - Yes, I'm Mr. G.R. 116.

- Incredible! - What?! I'll take our honorable this?

Honorables are fine by me, I'm not fussy.

Impossible, the electronic brain never makes mistakes.

You're right, the mistake is all mine.

I've been a mistake since my father conceived me.

Laugh away. Your father hardly got you right!

Right, an electronic brain with balls of ricotta cheese!

If I'd asked for a liquidizer, they'd have sent an aircraft carrier!

It's not like I wanted a harpist, or a Chinese translator...

...damn, all I wanted was a slut!

# I'm a woman, I'm no saint...

# Don't tempt me, I'm no saint...

Hi!

These girls have picked a bad road... no one passes here!

Hey boy, are you afraid of us?

No...

I can't take him one who does this for a "living"...

Far from "living", she'd have us "dead".

If I present her as Mrs. La Noce, all "church and home"...

...Honorable Pedicò will turn Muslim!

Darling, fancy a tickle?

Go on, there's no tax!

- Are you expecting anyone? - Yes, clients.

- You look new... - I am.

Great, just what I was looking for... Hop in!

- 5,000 lira. - Is that all?! Come on, hop in!

- What are you ca-ca-called? - Coco.

- Are you shittin' me? - No, my name's Coco.

Coco... the name's not important...

Listen, would you like to earn a b-b-bunch of money?

- Robertuzzo said 5,000. - Who? Ah, your guy...

If I offer 400,000 for two days' work...

...would Robertuzzo be co-co... - I'm Coco!

- Co-content, I meant! - Uh...

You don't talk much? Good, I like that!

Awoman who ta-ta... I'll tell you later!

So, will you do two days for me?

- Well, ok... - Adeal?

- What about Robertuzzo? - Don't worry, I'll handle him...

We'll write him a note and leave it at his house...

That'll keep it betwween us twwo... as the French say, "entraineuse"!

Come in, come...

To the left.

I'll show you...

I used to share with mother...

...then she went home. Make yourself at home...

God your house is a mess! We'll fix it up later...

Are you a speed queen, or something? This is Rome, not the Monza Grand Prix!

Not talking's fine, but do you need to strip without warning?

You're Commander La Noce's wife now, you have to dress like a dove...

You only strip when Pedicò starts to chat you up...

Coco, are you getting this?

We have to hurry, the train leaves at 7:00...

Wait, I'll go buy you some lady's clothes.

Let's get your measurements...

98...

98... to think that from these breasts...

...depends the life of one hundred men!

- A hundred? - You don't need to feed them directly!

Once you get under Pedicò, they'll all go back to work...

110.

Oh my God... I'm tempted to screw it all!

- Hello? - You moron, where the fuck are you?

Wait, before getting angry you should see...

What the hell have you done?!

- We're cha-cha... - Have you got a girl, or not?

- Yes... she's beautiful. - Albertini!

Beautiful, real, ca-caressable!

- You're such a sweetie! - Me?

Yeah, sweet and righteous!

With ajohn like you, I'd be the happiestwhore in the world!

- You can't talk like that! - Why not? Robertuzzo never minded!

What the fuck's wrong with you?

- Shit, I never noticed your language! - You know, I'm very shy...

But with you, I feel free to say what I like!

Shut up already!

You sure know how to make a woman like me feel good...

- The total opposite of Robertuzzo! - Coco, shut up!

When he gets something up his ass, he beats the shit out of me...

Coco, we're in trouble! You can't be the commander's wife!

You know what? I don't fucking care...

- It's you I like... - Oh my God!

I should make her eat a dictionary!

Albertini!

Where are you going?!

At last! Splendid, truly splendid! Enchanting!

Commander, she's a d-d...

- I can tell, delightful! - Commander, are you on this train too?

Yes, a sudden business trip, something important...

...let me introduce my wife. - An honor, madam...

My compliments to your beauty!

And my secretary, actually, my right arm...

An incomparable, irreplaceable man...

...but for him I would have missed the train and the deal...

- Commander, l-l-I... - You what?!

- We need to talk! - What's up now?

I'll tell you!

- Don't shove, are you crazy?! - I need to be alone with you!

I don't want to be alone with you!

I'll make you want to... it's important, really!

Ma'am, go back to your grave, please!

No! No! I've been cursed since I met you!

Hi there, auntie!

Let's hope war breaks out and you're my nurse!

- God you're beautiful! - Wanna meet my little brother?

Bring your hat here, sweetie, you're on the wrong train!

Stop that!

- Get inside, move! - Get your hands off me!

- You'll pay for this! - Yeah, sure...

Idiot, at the last moment you tell me it won't work... why?!

Every second word she says "fuck" four times!

No I don't! The "fucks" are yours! All I said was I like you...

But I'll still do the work...

With the commander, the honorable, the station master, who the fuck ever!

- Does she always speak like that? - No, worse!

Didn't you realize earlier?

I was looking for a stunner, not a Nobel winner!

- Throw her off the train! - What?!

It's too late, now...

- You're fired immediately! - On the train?

- Yes. - Fired on a speeding train?

- Yes! - I see...

I'm a failure, I've no more reason to live!

Give me a rope!

To hang yourself?

No, to stop that bag falling on my head!

Fuck you and the bag!

Ah, honorable, are you on this train too?

Like every Friday...

Lemon juice with a dash of bicarbonate and sugar, please...

...and a Fernet for the lady.

Honorable, this is your day for meetings!

First lawyer Rossi, then Colonel Maccicché, and now La Noce!

- Do you know La Noce, sir? - La Noce... do we know La Noce?

Yes, sir, the Roman industrialist with a cheese factory in Rocca Pizzo.

Monsignor Alatri mentioned him, so we met him...

Did we speak?

Yes, one Sunday after mass, a very interesting person.

Now I recall. An industrialist with a rather regrettable situation...

But you should see his wife!

- Beautiful? - Amazing!

- Haven't you met? - I haven't had the honor...

- She's a marvel! - Her husband must be very jealous!

In fact, he keeps her hidden!

He must come to diner, he must bring her to the dining car.

I'll get you sandwiches, but don't move from here.

- Good luck... - You too, honorable...

- Goodbye... - Your Fernet Branca.

- Hi. - Hi...

- Commander La Noce... - Commander La Noce!

- My dear sir! - We were just talking of you...

I hope it was something good!

Don't be modest, how could one talk otherwise of you?

- You're an exquisite woman - Why haven't we heard from you?

- I didn't want to bother your... - You're no bother.

In fact, to show my friendship, I invite you and your wife to dinner.

My... my wife? Really?

We know she's traveling on this train...

...and you keep her "hidden".

I hope you won't insult me by refusing!

Not at all, happily...

We did well to take the second sitting...

...that way we've no hurry! - Yes, no hurry...

It's so nice here, and this fruit salad is delicious...

Yes, truly excellent...

I see the lady doesn't like her fruit salad.

Not at all, she loves it, she's crazy about it!

- Sir, do you go to Sicily often? - Yes, whenever possible!

Does madam know Sicily?

No, she doesn't, but you're so right to take a little rest...

I do whenever I can!

This week I've a lot to do, I have to reorganize my library...

Eufemia, by the way... I suggest you retire to bed...

...you have a busy day tomorrow. - Actually, I...

Go, go! Our guests will excuse you...

- Goodnight, everyone! - Sweet dreams, madam.

Sent from heaven...

Thanks, you too...

Bye...

I'm so sorry...

It was my fault, I got in the way...

Sit, sit!

No, don't worry...

No, madam, I can't allow this, you're kind...

...I'm deeply mortified...

...I can't allow...

...well, whatever...

I'm Honorable Pedicò's secretary.

- A pleasure... - Not for me.

The honorable has been given cabin 7, and me number 3. It's too far away.

- Who's in number 6? - Let's see...

It's Mr. Straccolone, who's also taken number 5...

It's not a man, it's a company, and they've booked 3 people.

So, is there a cabin free near me?

Yes, number 1, over the wheels, which no one wants.

- Good, put the honorable in there. - Over the wheels?

Yes! Given we can't put him under them!

- Guard? - Yes, madam?

We haf seen zeese people behafing very scandal...

- We vant to change cabin. - Fuck me, what a night!

- I mean, I can't kick them out! - Gut, zis is very gut!

I'll put you in cabin 7, it's a very quiet cabin.

- Zis is peace and quiet? - Totally quiet, eternally peaceful!

Cheers... am I wrong, or does madam never speak?

True, she never speaks but...

- The lady fu-fu... - "Fu" what?

She's founded two important charitable ventures...

...and to make sure they succeed, she's made a vow to Saint Rocco.

Ah, right, I forgot... a 24-hour vow of silence!

That's very noble... I'm only sorry not to hear her voice.

The vow ends tomorrow at noon...

However, isn't it time we went to bed?

- Yes, my wife is very tired. - Would you like a coffee?

Please, if she takes coffee, she won't sleep till Christmas!

Madam, I'm truly enchanted...

Thank you, I'm moved by your kindness...

She can't speak, so I translate her thoughts!

- Goodnight... - Thank you so much. Come, dear...

- Holy Mother of God, what a woman! - Yes, extraordinary...

You know her well, tell me about her.

- What kind of woman is she? - Mrs. La Noce is a saint...

- A saint? - With all the sacrifices of a saint...

...but at the same time a devil!

- In what way? - One way, straight to hell!

- She's ca-ca... - Candid?

- No, ca-ca... - Acat?

- Carnal! - Aslave to her senses?

In other words, is she "beddable"?

Bed, folding bed, blanket... she's a nympho!

A nymphomaniac? So what's with Saint Rocco?

She gets sexual attacks, for hours, weeks, months...

...she turns you to rubber, then returns to her senses...

...has an attack of religious remorse, and becomes a saint!

It's an amazingly sensual scenario!

Holy Mother of God!

You're an excellent organizer... let's arrange something in secret.

- Waiter, champagne! - A great idea...

- We're there... - Where, Sicily?

No, with the honorable Pedicò... I've fixed everything.

He's next door... first we get him randy as a rooster...

...then I go and announce I've convinced your wife.

- A "church and home" woman? How? - By night she turns "home and horny"!

My mind's a miracle!

- Guard? - Uh?

- Guard, where's my cabin? - I don't know, sir...

- You don't know? - Ah, you're the honorable sir!

- Not very, right now... - One too many never dishonored no one.

- But three bottles did! - You're in number 1, sir.

- Please, this way. - Here?

- You'll have a great night here. - I hope so!

Louder, he can't hear you!

Yes, I like it! Give it to me...

...kiss me, kiss my mouth! Kiss my prick!

Yes, yes, like that!

Yes... who cares about the honorable...

Great, that's great!

You're fabulous!

Stop that... we're here to work! Stop, you filthy pig!

Commander, I got carried away by passion!

You brute!

Guard!

What is it, ladies?

To sleep impossible when ze man he say "my prick"!

Zer is another who say "filthy pig"!

My apologies, these things happen in the best sleeping cars!

I'll put you in cabin 9.

After this, I'm down to the engine itself.

No worries, the man in 8 is deaf!

Battipaglia station!

Is anyone there? Guard!

- Good evening... - Hi, I'm looking for a bed...

...don't disappoint me. - No, no, of course not...

Here, sweetie.

Come, it's a quiet night, we've still some beds.

Thank you, what luck to find such a kind young man!

Here, number 7 is free...

Shouldn't I do something first?

I don't know, sir, the toilets are at either end of the carriage...

No, silly, I meant a ticket...

- You do that with the ticket collector. - The ticket collector...

- 'Night... - Uh, good night...

Even on the trains!

- Can I help, sir? - No, thanks, I'm going to the toilet...

Ok, I leave first, warn Pedicò, and then go to my cabin...

You wait 10 minutes, then go to cabin 7, Pedicò's...

Hey, remember not to open your mouth...

- Shall we synchronize watches? - Fuck off!

It was for the sake of organization...

Honorable, still awake?

That champagne went to my head...

- Do you feel sick? - I'm fine now... and the lady?

I convinced her, she'll be in your arms shortly.

- I can't wait. Where? - In cabin number 7...

I'll go freshen up to be ready for her...

Who is it?

What are you doing? You should be in cabin 7!

- But I like number 5... - Don't be silly, go to Pedicò!

Who cares about Pedicò? I like you. If I had a man like you...

I know, but leave! Go to the honorable!

Not so fast, sweetie! When I make love...

...I go all the way! Otherwise I get hiccups!

God, what melons! And what amazing thighs!

I shouldn't boast, but back home they call me "Giovannona Long-thigh".

Robertuzzo made me change the name... he says Coco is more refined.

- Darling... - What are you doing... that's my nose!

Damn! They even put handles!

Number 3?

What cheek, imagine if the honorable knew!

- What? - I knew you'd come!

That's why I left the door open!

No, no, madam! For the love of God, stop!

Madam, I'm moved deeply to be on my knees beside you...

...to express my immense admiration.

I know you can't talk, but that doesn't matter...

I now entrust to my hands...

...the task of warming you, stimulating you...

...until our embrace becomes a raging flood...

...as unstoppable and incandescent as an eruption on Etna!

Over these shoulders, this hip...

...this promontory...

...my hands...

Mamma!

Help! Help!

He's a crab! He's grabbed me like a crab!

Get off, let me go!

I feel sick, oh God, I feel sick!

Help, guard, help!

Help!

- Listen, give me a hand... - What happened?

- He's not a crab, he's a fag! - Afag?!

Rocca Pizzo station!

The Rome train for Catania-Siracusa...

...is arriving on platform 3.

That's it! No discussion! You take the first plane to Rome!

Sorry, but if I'm fired, I can stay where I want at my expense.

A smartass, huh? Then I re-hire you, and order you back to Rome!

- Can I take her with me? - Yes, yes...

I wish! But Pedicò now knows her as my wife, so she has to stay.

- Commander, let me f-f-f... - Fuck you, period!

Let me fix things... I got her into this mess, but I'll get her out...

Commander, where are you going? That's the shithouse!

Enough foul language! Vanish!

- Farewell, Coco... - What? We'll meet again!

- Can I give him a kiss? - Are you crazy?

- Commander! - Pedicò's coming, vanish!

The first flight, ok? Come...

- Bye... - Farewell, Coco!

- Honorable... - I'm going by Rocca Pizzo...

...if you'd like a ride...

Isn't your secretary coming?

No, he has to go to Rome on urgent business.

It was a lapse...

Coming out of the toilet, distracted by certain thoughts...

...I went further down the corridor and opened the wrong door.

Aterrifying scene!

Why not join us for breakfast?

It would be a pleasure. Wouldn't it, Eufemia?

Mary would be happy too...

Thanks, but I have business to attend...

But we always eat late, at 2:00.

- Did the silencer fall off your shoes? - What do you care?!

- Do you know where Albertini lives? - There...

...on the second floor.

There he is now!

Thanks... I'll give you a tip...

Keep the change...

Damn that traffic warden!

Who is he?!

Officer Thisson... Thisson... Thisson...

This-son-of-a-bitch must have woken up on the wrong foot!

Welcome back! I've been waiting two days for you...

For me?

"Coco will be back in two days. Don't worry, Mario Albertini."

It's even got Coco's mark...

You're Mr. Robertuzzo. I wrote so you wouldn't worry.

Coco gave me your ad-ad-ad... address...

- Where's Coco? - You mean, "Kid Coconut"...

- Let's go, people get mugged here... - That's nothing, where's Coco?

- The la-la... - Don't sing, I get nervous!

The lady is working on something useful for her career...

- Right now she's in Sicily. - Ah, Sicily...

People get mugged here all the time...

Damn you, what's she doing in Sicily?

I can't say, otherwise our talk will degenerate...

Until now it's been so relaxed!

Coco is with my boss, Commander La Noce, pretending to be his wife...

- Why all the play acting? - So honorable Pedicò can screw her...

There's an honorable involved? So it's a big deal!

I guess so...

You miserable little shit!

You try doing business without my permission... I'll kill you!

What lovely fingers you have! Don't waste them on a murder!

Ok, enough for today...

If I understood right, you said...

...Commander La Noce and honorable Pedicò...

Yes, but... now what?

I don't know... an idea will come.

You see my head? It's a factory of ideas!

And you see this? It's an assembly line!

Geniuses should give each other a hand!

- You're right! - Stop, you don't know who I am!

- An asshole. - How did you guess?!

Where's he going?

I took the liberty because I was sure you'd understand, Mrs. La Noce.

I thank you for the information, Mr. Robertuzzo...

...but I've stopped being interested in my husband for some time.

Maybe I wasn't clear, Mrs. La Noce...

- My girl does it for a "living". - A "living"?

She goes with men... I mean...

...she's a slut!

Still, I feel for her. Dealing with my husband is not pleasant...

Madam, let's stick to the facts. Your husband has taken Coco to Sicily...

...and introduced her to honorable Pedicò.

An honorable? Why?

He's pretending she's his wife so Pedicò can fuck her!

- What? - You understood perfectly...

- What a low-life! - You've got it...

Lord my cup is bitter!

Madam, did you add sugar?

He must be stopped, I'll leave immediately!

- Mine's sweet... - I'll make him pay this time!

I won't take planes. Is there an express to Sicily?

No need... I wouldn't worry if I were you...

My car is a chariot on fire!

Ok, you take me. Come back in an hour, I'll be ready to leave!

I'll show everyone the real Mrs. La Noce!

- Who's that? Mrs. La Noce! - Hi, Robertuzzo...

Hi, what a beautiful woman!

I never imagined you hid such beauty...

- You flatter me... - I swear!

Strike me dead if I tell a lie... please...

- Thanks... - Here's my fireball... hop in!

- Hi, sorry I'm late. - I just got here myself.

Hey, do you have to park there? Be nice!

Actually, she's fucking nice!

You don't say "I fucking love it", you say "I'm enchanted"!

Can you get that, or not? Repeat...

- "I'm enchanted". - Great!

- How's it going? - Oh, hi, monsignor.

- Any progress? - So-so...

She's tries, but she's too "bullheaded".

- You don't say "bullhead"! - What do you say?

- "Butthead"! - We'll never make it.

I fear you've got the wrong approach, you confuse her with slang...

Let's see, so... you don't say "bullhead", nor "butthead".

- You say "stubborn". - Right, I've heard that...

"Stubborn".

Suppose you're introduced to someone, what do you say?

- "A pleasure to meet you". - Perfect!

And if they invite you to stay for lunch?

- "I hope I'm no bother". - Hear that?! She's not bad.

Thanks, I go hoarse for an hour and you play the fresh-faced pedagogue!

- Peda-what? - Forget it!

Go on, tell the monsignor...

...what you say if Pedicò makes that proposal, that one!

Oh, yes...

"Honorable, go kill yourself dead!"

No, Holy Mary! With grace and delicacy!

Have you forgotten answer number 6?

"You're a very fascinating man...

...but I come from an old family and don't have that desire".

You get the idea? I numbered the answers...

Now for number 7, to give him hope if he insists...

"Don't insist, sir, I too am human...

...and might forget myself for a moment".

That's a little risky... but I realize it could be useful.

Damn, we have to go soon. Let's run over number 1.

"Good day, please forgive us if we're disturbing your peace".

"Heavens, it's a real pleasure."

- We don't want to be any trouble... - Heavens, Mrs. La Noce...

...it's our pleasure. - Commander La Noce.

Enchanted, you are a fount of grace and beauty...

Thank you... would our guests prefer to be inside or in the garden...

As you wish, we don't give a fuck...

Number 3... 3!

It's one o'clock, not 3.

I'm happy either way, whatever you choose is fine...

Carmelo... shall we enjoy the sun in the garden then?

Sure, let's keep enjoying the day!

With light like this we can even see Etna!

What a beautiful day...

Come and look...

Let's go eat, or we'll be late for the Sicily ferry.

Ok, Robertuzzo!

Where are you going? Come here!

Do you like that? Mummy will buy you it...

No, no... I've already bought you that!

No, stop, candy's bad for you...

It's spicy!

- He's cute! Can he talk? - If not, I'll take him back!

- He's cute! Can he talk? - If not, I'll take him back!

Hey, he's perfect! He can really piss!

Are you stealing my child?!

- What a maniac! - He seemed fake.

Are you hurt?

Not at all! If I don't fall, it's no fun!

Hello.

Here, your tip...

Thanks.

One day they'll put me on the 100 lira coin!

With a nose like yours, they'll have to add a handle. Get out!

With a nose like yours, they'll have to add a handle. Get out!

This is my turf, give me the coin and split. Intruders get their ass kicked!

Keep the change...

- You're very beautiful... - Thank you.

Awoman like you could go far, on the road...

Awoman like you could go far, on the road...

I don't think so, I'm lazy...

Maybe you misunderstand. Until now you've been a slave.

You should get a life! Make a living of it!

- Sorry, what do you mean? - Live by it!

If you let me guide you, I'll show you an unimaginable world...

If you let me guide you, I'll show you an unimaginable world...

You're much faster than Robertuzzo's car!

You're much faster than Robertuzzo's car!

He left us standing! You're just waste of fuel!

The water's really hot!

It's the first time I've seen a pool in a condom!

Wonderful...

Wonderful...

I didn't know you couldn't swim...

I had an old-style education, I don't take to it!

I had an old-style education, I don't take to it!

- I'll hold you underneath... - Under what?

Your back, naturally... Relax, let yourself go.

What a body... blessed be the water...

What a body... blessed be the water...

...that embraces you!

Very good!

Back hand!

Now it's my turn! Like that!

Now it's my turn! Like that!

Back hand!

Marvellous...

Excellent...

- My ankle... - Did you twist your ankle?

Let's hope it's nothing, lean on me...

What a sight!

Trust me, don't worry. Relax...

How strange, when I was 18 I had the same accident...

How strange, when I was 18 I had the same accident...

My opponent began to massage me, like you're doing...

- He was my first love. - What a strange coincidence!

Maybe Giambattista Vico was right...

- Was that his name? - No!

That history course guy...

Ah, right, the things one remembers after years. Well, not so many!

- You're very young! - I wouldn't say very young...

- You're very young! - I wouldn't say very young...

Don't be immodest, with such beautiful skin...

- Commander... - Mary, what happened?

- Nothing, nothing! - Did you fall and hurt yourself?

- Nothing, nothing! - Did you fall and hurt yourself?

No, it's nothing, a twisted ankle...

Yes, it's nothing... the commander has a golden touch.

I didn't know you had thaumaturgic skills...

Just some practice!

I'm better already, darling...

I'm better already, darling...

I'll go and arrange dinner.

Naturally our guests are welcome to join us...

Yes, a great idea...

- We wouldn'twant to trouble you. - It's no trouble!

- In fact, they could stay the night. - Maybe they'll be uncomfortable.

- In fact, they could stay the night. - Maybe they'll be uncomfortable.

There's the guest room, which is always better than a hotel!

Yes, she's right. They'll be just fine...

The guest room, now there's a solution!

Go on, you brute! You guzzle gas, then quit on me!

Are you hungover, or what?

Are you hungover, or what?

Can't you see your car's smoking?

She's got all the vices, this mechanic's harlot!

White smoke... 'habemus papa'!

'Habemus' seized engine!

Marta?

Hey, Marta!

What are you doing? My driving exhausted you!

What are you doing? My driving exhausted you!

Yes, a little...

Since the ferry leaves tomorrow morning, we'll wait here.

We'll get something to eat, then get some sleep!

Yes, I'm as hungry as a wolf!

A she-wolf!

Hungry, huh?

Go Robertuzzo, do your worst, this is a great opportunityy!

Here I am, darling!

- This is my bedroom. - Is it?

- This is my bedroom. - Is it?

I always sleep alone...

I sleep alone, my husband has an awful habit of snoring.

- Aren't you scared? - Yes, by every little noise...

And the night is long when spent alone...

And the night is long when spent alone...

You're telling me...

What? But you have a beautiful wife!

She won't talk to me, my wife is frigid... frozen!

- Mary? - Yes?

The commander must be tired, we should let him rest...

The commander must be tired, we should let him rest...

We were saying... the commander asked...

...if tomorrow a trip to Etna would be possible.

- Etna? - Yes.

With gusto!

- Goodnight dear... - Goodnight madam, and thank you...

- Goodnight dear... - Goodnight madam, and thank you...

Goodnight, Mary...

Coco?

What's up now?

What's up now?

What's up? It's night, we're in bed... you're a woman and I'm a man.

Oof...

Coco, if you're getting nowhere with the honorable, at least comfort me!

- Forget it, I'm tired! - You can't do that!

- Forget it, I'm tired! - You can't do that!

I don't want to do anything!

- But it's ridiculous to sleep. - Have a heart attack!

You've kept me awake for two nights now!

You've kept me awake for two nights now!

Maybe a coffee...

Where's that skunk going?

Well... maybe...

Of course, I'll bring it to your room in a moment!

- Thank you, you're very kind... - Oh, it's nothing!

- Matilde! - What is it tonight?

- What did our guest want? - Acoffee.

- Ah, he's getting ready. - Shall I make it?

Sure... and go get my tranquillizers.

There... a couple of sleeping pills...

That'll put him to sleep, and I can play "Decameron" games!

That'll put him to sleep, and I can play "Decameron" games!

Come!

- It's sugared. - Thanks.

- It's sugared. - Thanks.

Coco, wake up!

- Coffee... - What?

Is it time to get up?

No, stay in bed, we're going to do a little exercise...

No, stay in bed, we're going to do a little exercise...

Drink, little one... Nice?

Disgusting!

Coco, stop playing around! Don't be a fool!

Coco, stop playing around! Don't be a fool!

What's got into you?

How can a woman like you not have blood in her veins?

Coco?

Coco?

Albertini brought me the mummy of Ramses II!

Commander?

Commander... were you taking advantage of an honorable's wife?

Sleep, cuckold!

What a fabulous woman!

Madam? Madam!

It's Pedicò! Your husband's asleep...

It's Pedicò! Your husband's asleep...

Shall we proceed?

You made a vow, huh? I don't like vows...

What a woman! How can you sleep next to this fat-assed pachyderm!

Is the cuckold upset?

Come, I'll take you to my room. Don't worry, I'll handle it...

Come with me...

Holy Mother!

Madam... madam!

What a beautiful woman!

- Who is it? - Me.

- What do you want? - Open, I'm scared!

Scared of what?

Oh God, Carmelo! The ghosts!

Now it's ghosts!

- One moment! - The ghosts!

Open Carmelo, there are ghosts!

One moment!

Carmelo, let me in!

What's got into her?

- What is it? - I'm scared, I heard noises.

I saw ghosts in the garden. Let me stay. I'll be quiet!

- Carmelo, please! - Damn those ghosts!

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU IN MY ROOM AT MIDNIGHT

Now we'll see who's a cuckold, dear Pedicò!

No one stops. Maybe they think I've hurt my thumb?

Come, young man... have you been waiting long?

No, I was a child when I got here!

Hop in, quick!

- Thanks... - Buckle up, we're off!

Ready, go!

- This car's fast, you know? - Right.

- Where are you going? - Catania.

Perfect, I'm going to Sicily too!

Listen to that amazing engine? And get the interior!

Carpet, air conditioning, a top-end stereo!

Put the radio on!

Intense traffic has blocked Highway 213...

...and thick fog is reported on mountain stretches.

Hold tight, we're taking off!

Attention all drivers...

Police are looking for a Maserati, stolen one hour ago in Naples.

The thief is an escapee from a mental clinic.

He is believed dangerous...

...because he's also half blind. We end this news report here.

We return to our light music program.

Did you turn the wipers on? They've got two speeds.

Fantastic, no?

- Who's that? - My grandpa!

Are you sure this engine's so fabulous?

You're right, young man... at 150mph the spark plugs exploded!

No, it was me... I was shitting my pants!

- Where are you going? - To the bathroom, for a pee...

- You can't. - Why not?

I need to go first, I'm bursting to pee...

- I'm bursting too! - But I'm an honorable!

Of course, your excellency!

Christ, she's heavy!

After all this effort, should I fuck her twwice?

Madam, no one will disturb you here, this is my wife's room...

I'll be right back...

Madam Mary, I got your message...

It's midnight... madam? I can't see anyone here...

Coco!

What happened? What did that pig do to you?

What happened? You're frozen, what did he do to you?

- Oh, mercy! - Madam, it's me, La Noce...

Are you crazy? If my husband sees us he'll shoot you!

Ok, but not that way, I'm safer leaving by the window...

Just go, please! I beg you!

- Mary, what are you doing here? - Who is it?!

I was going to my bathroom, you were taking ages!

- Really? - Absolutely, Carmelo... come.

Go on, the bathroom will be free all night. Get inside.

A MAN LEFT BY THE WINDOW OF YOUR WIFE'S ROOM. YOU'RE A CUCKOLD!

I'll make him pay for this!

Stop joking, Coco, answer me! There'll be hell to pay if you die!

For a girl like you, it would be criminal!

Coco, answer me! Be good, just one word...

- Commander... - Thank you, God!

...fuck off. - It's ok, thanks anyway.

Take that!

Carmelo! You know I don't like it when you get rough!

I'm full! An empty one is coming behind...

Hey, want a ride?

Ok, but you'll have to get in back with the flowers.

- What, in the back? - Yes, why?

Where the corpse goes?

- No one else has claimed it... - But someone might.

- Who said so? - The newspaper.

"Five claimed dead in crash", it said.

- Go on, slowly... good. - I hurt everywhere.

I can't even touch myself for luck. Would you mind giving me a scratch?

Go, Nicola!

Kitty, beware the big cat! Good day, madam...

- Good day, honorable. - You're a marvellous woman.

- Thanks... - I'd do anything for you.

Please, I wouldn't want to trouble you...

I'm sorry about last night, but I'm kept under strict control...

My wife is a very jealous woman...

- By the way, have you seen her around? - Yes, earlier...

...then they went for a hike on the mountain.

They've gone already? She's alone with your husband?

- And no one else? - No one...

- Aren't you jealous of your husband? - I'm a human being too!

We're all human, but aren't you scared something might happen?

Well, my husband's "just smoke" these days...

Wonderful! His gun's stopped firing!

With me you'll feel you're on the front line!

The lava reached here in '71.

Craters can erupt when you least expect it...

It sounds dangerous!

In fact, my husband never comes here, he's scared!

As a child, he very nearly died in an eruption...

Are you scared?

With a woman like you, I'm only scared of myself...

Commander, what are you saying?

Delinquent!

Walking on these stones isn't easy...

But don't you love this Dantesque scene?

I have inner fires of my own!

- What are you looking at? - I heard a noise...

...who knows what it was, I can't see anything!

- Are you sure you can't see anything? - Madam, you'll catch a cold!

- Then warm me! - Yes, I'll set you on fire!

Not like that, madam!

An eruption!

Help!

Forgive me, Lord, if I have sinned! Go away!

Are you leaving me in this hell?! Wait, madam!

I'm a "respectable" woman!

Go away! I'm a "respectable woman"!

Stop, wait!

- Ok, goodbye! - I hope not!

Hi, Coco! Where's the commander?

- On the vulcano! - What, "he couldn't say no"?

- On the vulcano! - Oh, "he lost his halo"!

Wait... blowing this up sure must take a lot of puff!

What happened, did they make you mayor?

No, I got a ride with the undertaker!

How are you, my friend? How lovely to see you!

Help, save him!

- He's resurfaced! - Help!

- I can't swim! - Leave it to me, madam!

Hold on!

Come on! Here...

Come on, up...

Not like that, you'll snap his neck!

What a villa! Is anyone home?

He's alive!

- The commander... - What do you mean? Explain!

Let me go, Marta, I'm going to kill someone!

- Are you spying on me?! - What? I can't hear you!

Bitch! Is this a vacation, or something?

I take what fucking vacation I feel like! I'm a free woman!

No, you do what I tell you! You owe me respect!

It's me who defends you from being exploited!

Quick, my husband will be worried! He'll make a scene!

Don't run, take pity on my foot!

If you want to be a slut, you have to take it seriously!

The only slut around here is your sister!

- How dare you? - What do you want?!

How dare you raise your voice to a lady!

- Who the fuck are you? - I'm the fucking master of this house!

Go fuck yourself, you fucking chatterbox!

Fuck! You don't know who I am!

Oh my foot!

Move your ass!

Marta, how come you're here? And dressed like that?

- I came to meet your lover. - How dare you, I demand an apology!

Here!

- Fetusa! - You bitch!

What are you doing? Stop it!

Albertini, darling, what did they do to you!

Enough, you're ladies!

Ladies, calm down! This is a respectable house!

Shut up, you old whoremonger!

Marta, please, try to understand!

It's a question of business!

I did it to save you from this skunk!

He preys on men's wives, so I brought him a fake wife.

How dare you speak like that!

Help! Help!

- Madam, I'm coming! - It was him!

Let him go, I'll deal with him!

This is a kidnapping, I'll see you jailed!

- What's that? - Atranquillizer.

I don't want to be tranquillized, I'm a free citizen!

What's broken, doctor?

Can't you talk? Are you dumb?

Trust me to land the dumb doctor!

I'll make sure you pay for all this!

Hear that? You'll pay all damages!

- Who, me? - Let him be, he's in shock!

I'm the victim of a diabolical plot!

- Shut up, you prince of shit! - How dare you be informal?

You, sir, are a prince of shit!

- And a cuckold! - That's slander, I've done nothing!

Maybe, but he deserves to be a cuckold, and so do you!

What fucking language is this?! Respect the fucking nun, please!

- May peace be with you... - And with you too...

You're all reunited... How are you, my son?

- Fine, compared to my uncle. - How's your uncle?

He's dead!

I don't want no fucking sedatives!

- I don't know him... - No one knows me!

Tomorrow, you'll find a certain story in the newspaper...

Would you like to hear a little preview?

"Once upon a time, an industrialist, after polluting a river...

...with his stinking factory, sought help from an honorable...

...who I won't name, but will indicate with a nose!"

Thank you...

In this dovetailing of social needs and industrial development...

...Commander La Noce, who you all know...

...and Honorable Pedicò, assisting in the political arena...

...have succeeded in saving a key source of Italian employment...

...the Straccolone Company, whose products...

...are now being sold abroad!

He's a secretary with flair, not like that moron Albertini!

- He's so intelligent! - So resourceful...

Can't you understand? Night shifts are better than days!

- In what sense? - The night shift pays more!

And you only work 5 hours!

Plus you can use your daytime hours...

It's delicate... I have to think about it...

There's nothing to discuss, I fear no one...

What I want, I get!

I've decided to work nights, and work nights I will, ok?!

Ok...

- Bye... - Enjoy.

It's totally dead tonight...

- I've only done twwo cars... - Lucky you!

Who's this princess?

What does she want?!

- You're off-limits! - Idiot!

Look who's talking!

- Take a hike, or else! - Yeah, move it!

What the fuck do you want from me?!

I'll teach you! You bitches!

What's all this shit?

And who's he?

Listen daddy, this is Franceschino's turf!

Franceschino? Who's Franceschino?

Who the fuck is Franceschino? Who is he?!

Frankie, show yourself...

- Franceschino, don't hurt me! - Fuck off!

No!

Franceschino, you killed him!

Come on...

Did you get the licence number?

Come on, darling, come...

THE END

THIS FILM IS A WORK OF FICTION.

WE'RE SORRY IF THERE IS ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PEOPLE OR INCIDENTS.