Original subtitles

(Car horn)

There is a red-blooded, lion-hearted English female.

Makes a right signal and turns left. Also goes through a red light. Bless her.

Maybe she's colour-blind.

New York City's traffic commissioner has the answer.

His idea is that on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays,

only men drive in New York, in the usual way.

But then, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays,

the streets are the exclusive property of the ladies.

All the traffic lights are turned off, the cops dress in the latest male fashions,

and the girls make up the signals as they go along.

(Impatient car horns)

Lights changed. Sorry.

Where do you think you're going? There is a halt sign there!

You practically rammed me.

Any damage, Hilloram?

No, m'lady, but no thanks to him.

- He crossed over a halt sign. - He didn't actually hit us.

But it's not a very good way of driving.

I'm sorry, it was all my fault.

I'm sure it wasn't. My chauffeur's a very fast driver.

It was my right of way. He shot out in front of me.

- Hilloram, get in the car. - He was wrong.

- I admit it. - Get in the car, Hilloram.

I had hoped we'd meet under more pleasant circumstances.

You know me?

Everyone in London knows the beautiful Countess Anusia Marova.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Everyone in London knows the famous Simon Templar.

Our readers like travel, Countess.

- What about this cruise you're planning? - Head up a little.

Six friends on my yacht, cruising the Mediterranean.

Hold it, please!

I'm heading it, "London's Leading Hostess".

- Look right. - Don't you think that's a little boastful?

Hold it.

I beg your pardon, m'lady.

About the dessert for tonight. Cook suggests Péche Marova.

Now I'd like one on the settee.

There.

What is it?

Peaches stuffed with ice cream, wrapped in batter, baked lightly with almonds.

- Oh, perfect! - Sounds delicious.

And terribly fattening. Sanders, tell Cook that'll be fine.

Thank you, m'lady.

Divine! Now then, hold it.

- Hilloram. - My lady.

- You have your instructions for tonight? - Yes, m'lady.

- And the flowers? - I'm picking them up. Six arrangements.

- Thank you, Hilloram. - Thank you, m'lady.

Now I'd like one by the fireplace.

- Something...regal. - They're such wonderful servants.

Sanders is perfect. As for Hilloram, I don't know what I'd do without him.

Oh, heavenly!

- What a lovely party! - I haven't seen you for so long.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Lovely to see you. - Good night.

- You will dine with us soon? - Lady Wentworth, I'd adore to.

You won't forget to ask the Duke about his patronage?

Of course. The London School for Orphans will have its best year yet.

I don't know what I'd do without the Wentworths.

- Lovely to see you. - Thank you for a lovely evening.

Good night.

What a delightful party! I enjoyed every minute.

- Not bad. Where'd you find it? - In her bedroom.

You should have seen the diamonds Lady Wentworth was wearing tonight.

- We can't have everything. - Unfortunately.

I need a drink.

Oh? Did you have any trouble?

- You could put it that way. - What happened?

- The Wentworths have a butler. - I told you that.

- He woke up. - And?

- I had to cosh him. - You idiot!

- I didn't have any alternative. - I told you, no violence.

- Remember that night porter? - Don't keep on and on about that.

Well, you hit him! Two clays later, he died.

(Door chimes)

Who the devil's that?

One of my guests must have forgotten something. Get the stuff.

Say I've gone to bed.

(Butler) Good evening, sir.

(Simon) The residence of the Countess Anusia Marova?

Yes, sir, but the Countess has retired.

Oh, well, isn't that a shame?

Tell her Mr Simon Templar called. I'll telephone tomorrow.

Very good, sir.

Why, Mr Templar. What an unexpected surprise!

- A pleasure, I hope. - Possibly.

May I come in?

Thank you, Sanders.

Do you usually drop in on people at this hour?

Never on people. You're different.

- I am? - Most certainly, dear Countess.

When I narrowly missed your rumble wagon, you know what I said to myself?

- I'm sure it was fascinating. - As a matter of fact, it was.

I said to myself, "Simon, this citadel can and shall be taken.

- "You are the boy to do it." - Such modesty.

Not at all. I think of you as a queen. As a goddess.

- Goddess? - A goddess without flaw or imperfection.

And I am your self-appointed high priest.

On the other hand, if that's too spiritual,

- think of yourself as my mistress. - Oh?

I'm your faithful dog, come to give you his paw.

- Which reminds me. Yours. - Mine?

- Yes, you dropped it this afternoon. - Did I?

Careless, but a goddess can afford to be careless.

Thank you very much for returning it.

And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go to bed.

My dear Countess, be patient. First things first.

You are not mad, just a borderline case.

I have an irresistible urge to dance with you.

My dear Mr Templar,

I wouldn't dance tonight with a combination of Nureyev and Astaire.

U' Lounge music)

Simon? My glove...

What about it?

You stole it.

Mm-hm, I had to.

Why?

I steal lots of things.

For instance?

Don't talk.

- Simon? - Mmm?

The accident?

What about that?

Was it deliberate?

Of course.

- You are mad! - Utterly.

I don't understand you.

Don't talk.

- Simon? - Now what?

- You are a liar. - And a thief.

- And charming. - Agreed.

Simon?

- What? - Why don't we go...?

- Where? - Some place less crowded.

- Good night, ma'am. Good night, sir. - Good night, Otto.

Thank you for a lovely evening. I enjoyed every minute.

- So did I. - You're very charming.

- (US accent) Why, thank you, ma'am. - And very devious.

You haven't fooled me for one second.

All right, I'll admit.

I do have an ulterior motive.

Which is?

Money. You're a very charitable lady and I'm very poor.

You don't look poor.

Don't let appearances fool you. You should see where I live.

It's so small, even the rats are round-shouldered.

- Would you like to have a nightcap? - I thought you'd never ask.

Then perhaps you'll tell me what this charade is about.

I hate to disillusion you, but I'm not a queen nor a goddess.

I know.

- You're a crook. - A what?

A thief. A second story girl.

- I don't know what you mean. - Audrey, I am on to you.

Oh?

Yes. I happen to know that while Sir Henry and Lady Wentworth

were acquiring indigestion at your groaning board,

their flat in Park Lane was robbed of approximately £20,000 worth of jewellery.

- How dreadful! - Isn't it?

Two months ago, while you were entertaining Mr and Mrs Paige at Ascot...

You're not really interested in horses?

Not particularly.

Anyway, between the third and the last race,

their maisonette in Kensington was burgled. You.

- Me? - Yes.

And I can go into details of at least four other recent jewel robberies.

- Don't bother. - Then you admit it?

- Why not? - Don't you have anything to say?

- Do you want a diagram? - A brief sketch will do.

My husband died four years ago.

Leaving you a grief-stricken widow?

Leaving me nothing, except a title, expensive tastes and a lot of debts.

- No cash? - Not a penny.

People who say money doesn't buy happiness don't know how to spend it.

So you embarked on a career of crime?

You're hardly in a position to disapprove.

I certainly don't disapprove.

It merely crossed my mind that you and I might make a marvellous team.

Is this a takeover bid?

It's up to you.

Here's to partners in crime.

Partners? You're out of your mind. What do we need someone else for?

Someone else to share the stuff?

And just what can Templar do that I can't?

Let's get our relative positions straight. I run this show. Understand?

I give the orders, you carry them out.

The Saint is in, and that's final.

All right. And just how do you know that you can trust him?

I've set up a little job. It's for next Tuesday night.

If he can do it, he'll have proved himself.

I've got tickets for the theatre.

My guests are Mr and Mrs Matthew Sankin.

(Titania) Mine ear is much enamour'd of thy note;

So is mine eye enthralled to thy shape;

And thy fair virtue's force perforce doth move me

On the first view to say, to swear, I love thee.

(Bottom) Methinks, mistress, you should have little reason for that;

and yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company...

(Banging)

Hey, open the door.

(Man) Open this door!

Let me out. Come on, let me out.

Help, help!

Open this door, will you?

(Titania) I'll give thee fairies to attend on thee.

Bravo!

Very good.

This is an evening Mr and Mrs Sankin will remember.

Are you sure the butler didn't see you?

Sanders, there's an old proverb. Never tell your mother how to have children.

- And you didn't hit him? - Hit who?

What the Countess means is, I didn't have to cosh the night porter.

You told him!

No, I didn't. Simon, how did you know that?

I pick up bits of information here and there.

- How did you know about the porter? - Hilloram!

If you don't take your hand off my shoulder, I'll break your back.

- If we fight, we're finished. Stop it. - Wise advice.

- I don't trust him. - It's mutual.

Hilloram's got a chip on his shoulder and Templar needles him.

Drop it and let's get down to business.

The ticket.

I've taken care of business. Getting rid of this stuff is simply a matter of planning.

Which is my department.

- The 11am flight to Amsterdam. - Right.

- Who do we deal with in Amsterdam? - We've got a man. His name is...

Never mind his name. We trust him, that's enough.

- I suppose it is. - I'm not really interested.

Just as long as I get my cut.

Hilloram will drive you to the airport. Be ready by 9:30.

And immediately you get to Amsterdam, you phone.

- He's aware of that. - So is Templar.

Why don't we discuss this cruise? It needs a lot of planning.

Not tonight, Simon. I'm tired.

Far be it from me to keep you up.

I didn't mean to be sharp.

Tonight's been a strain for all of us.

Not for me.

Good night, all.

Who does he think he is? I don't like him.

You've made that clear.

What do we need him for? Can you understand it?

What can he do that I can't?

You'd better ask Audrey that question.

Evening, Simon.

Well, as I live and breathe,

Inspector Claude Eustace Teal in person, the Bloodhound of the Yard.

Don't tell me, you have come to have your fortune told.

No, I'm here to arrest you.

Isn't that nice?

At 10:30, the Yard received a telephone message reporting a robbery.

(Disguised voice) Hello? Inspector Teal?

I can't give my name, but I happen to be a neighbour of the Sankins.

How do you know?

The caller also went on to say that the Sankins had been robbed,

that the butler was locked in a closet,

and that Lady Sankin had had her jewels stolen.

They were in a wall safe behind a copy of a Gainsborough.

Not a very good one. Would you like one of these?

You'd know the details of the robbery, since you did it.

The caller also hoped you would have a happy United Nations Day.

- Then he hung up. - You phoned.

My word, Claude, you really are coming on as a detective.

Of course I phoned.

Why?

Because you have been faced with a series of robberies.

Scotland Yard is baffled. I have decided to help.

- That's very charitable of you. - Don't misunderstand me, Claude.

I don't care whether you get promoted or sent back to Traffic.

Someone I knew was killed on one of those jobs.

- You mean Williamson. - Yes, the night porter.

He was coshed by a muscle boy named Hilloram.

He left a widow with two kids.

Simon, did you or did you not rob Matthew Sankin tonight?

Since you put it that way, yes, I did.

Come on, then.

If you cooperate, you can pick up the loot tomorrow.

The 11am flight from London to Amsterdam. A man called Sanders.

- Arrest him, but not here. - Why not?

I don't want the Countess Anusia Marova alarmed.

Who's she?

Anyway, you do as I say, arrest Sanders quietly,

and in ten days you get the rest of them.

- I'd rather have you. - That's all you will get if you arrest me.

Claude, I'm on the inside.

I'm offering you six jewel robberies for one, and I reported that anyway.

I pulled this job tonight purely so they'd trust me. And now they do.

- I don't like it. Templar's too smooth. - Audrey seems to like him.

- She's out of her mind. - She's the boss, and you're jealous.

Don't make me laugh.

You're sore because you're no longer head boy.

Audrey knows what she's doing.

For this cruise job we need somebody smooth...like Templar.

Sanders' flight landed in Amsterdam ten hours ago.

I just can't understand why we haven't heard from him.

- Are you worried? - Terribly.

Simon, look at me.

Can I trust you?

That's a question you'll have to answer.

I can't. I've never met anyone like you before.

You make me feel uncertain.

I'm afraid I'm falling in love with you.

- Please don't. You'll be sorry. - I'll remember that.

Good.

Simon, are you being honest with me?

I robbed Sankin's flat.

I'm afraid something's happened to Sanders.

- You should be. - How long have you been out there?

- I just came down the stairs. - Did you?

Yes.

Sanders always calls us the minute he lands in Amsterdam.

He calls again as soon as he's got rid of the stuff.

He landed ten hours ago and we haven't heard a thing.

Maybe he slipped getting off the plane and broke his leg. Or he's sick.

There could be a dozen reasons why he hasn't called.

- I can think of one. - Hilloram, you're not sure?

Audrey, I can smell detectives.

That man behind Sanders spelled copper as clear as if he was wearing uniform.

Your imagination runs wild.

So does yours.

You want the plain, unvarnished truth?

I left the theatre and I robbed the Sankins.

Then I naturally telephoned the police to tell them about it.

- Now, if you'll excuse me... - Where are you going?

An appointment with the Governor of Dartmoor,

You have to book yourself in in advance these days. Good night.

- Simon, wait. - Let him go.

Ridiculous. He couldn't have shopped Sanders.

Then why haven't we heard?

I don't know. But I do know that Simon had nothing to do with it.

Let's go back the way we used to be. Just you and me.

- You're not in love with him. - So you were listening.

Audrey, I can't help it. I'm crazy about you, you know that.

- Don't you ever do that again. - I'm sorry.

Just because I prefer Simon's company to yours, you'd accuse him of anything.

- I only think that we ought... - I don't care. I'm running this show.

If you've any other ideas, you can pull out of this cruise.

I'm sorry.

All right. Then leave for Cannes in the morning and start lining up the crew.

Now, why don't you tell me about this cruise?

Three of the richest men in England, with their wives, spend a week on my yacht.

Chartered, with a picked crew.

And?

The wives own jewellery worth a fortune.

- But will they be taking it on a cruise? - They will.

A quarter of a million pounds' worth of jewellery,

jaywalking over the Mediterranean.

And we appropriate it?

That's right.

All right, where do we start?

The day after tomorrow, you and I leave for Cannes.

This is the biggest game I've ever played.

I've spent months planning it. Here's the guest list.

The long-range forecast is fine.

But if the weather changes, we move the project ahead 24 hours.

Sir Edras and Lady Levy? The Levy Machine Company?

Yes, darling. He owns it.

Mr and Mrs George Ulrig, and Lord and Lady Bainton.

Lady Bainton owns a diamond tiara valued at £17,000.

That's better than a halo, isn't it?

- Boucher? - Madame?

Along with your usual duties, you double as steward.

Oui, madame. I understand.

Hilloram, what about the crew?

They're OK.

The second night out, we've been invited to attend a reception by Princess Grace.

- You must be joking! - Of course.

We won't be anywhere near, but that ensured them bringing their jewellery.

That takes care of everything. We'll meet again tomorrow morning at 10.

As the guests don't come on board until the afternoon,

you can all have the rest of today off.

(Foghorn)

- (r French accordion music) - First, we eat.

Er... Dinner, you and me, eh?

No dinner?

- But darling, which? - Hello, Dickie.

- Simon! - How are you?

Bursting with curiosity since your telegram.

- A friend? - I don't know. I just met her.

Darling, you go. Allez. Vamoose. Raus!

Scarper.

But come back again, eh?

Now then. What's it all about?

How would you like to make some easy money?

- As always. - I need your help.

You have it.

- Still have your boat? - Just overhauled.

Good. I'm on the Corsican Maid, out in the harbour.

There's going to be a jewel robbery, a big one.

You don't have to know all the details, but essentially what you do is...

Excuse me.

Why don't you join us?

Who's he?

- A friend. - Oh?

Yes, some people have them.

I'd have to be dying of thirst before I took a drink off you.

- You followed him? - He's having a drink...with a friend.

And that is wrong?

I can smell these things, Jacques. Templar's up to something.

- But what? - I'm going to cable Amsterdam.

If Sanders has been arrested, Templar shopped him.

And if he has, I'll kill him.

My daughter's 17 and my son Julius is in his last year at Cambridge.

- Thank you. - Reading Law.

- You must be proud of him, Lady Levy. - We both are.

- Thank you, Hilloram. - M'lady.

Now, if you'll both excuse me, I have a few things to attend to.

The English are the most highly taxed people in the world.

Why should I pay for somebody else's false teeth?

Lord Bainton, I agree. You're absolutely right.

- Would you excuse me? - Of course.

Help yourself to another duty-free drink.

Thank you.

- I'm ready. - Clara, do me a favour.

Stay reasonably sober and be pleasant to George Ulrig.

He's such a bore. All he talks about is his health.

He's important to me on a business deal. Be nice to him.

I know I'm going to be ill.

George, no one gets seasick in weather like this.

- I'm very sensitive to motion. - It's all in your mind.

- (Knocking on door) - Come in.

I brought you these, George. My remedy for seasickness.

Thank you. I may need it.

- We'll be right up, Audrey. - Take your time.

- How many do I take? - One every four hours. See you later.

All right, darling.

Did you see Mrs Ulrig's bracelet?

And the rings of Lady Levy. 15 carats, at least.

- Everybody occupied? - Yes, but not for long.

And now, gentlemen, let's get down to business.

We drop anchor eight miles off Civitavecchia the day after tomorrow.

What if they ask questions?

- Engine trouble. - The rendezvous?

It's all arranged. The launch should be alongside at 10pm.

You and Hilloram will be on the clock by 10:45. A fast car will be waiting.

- And we drive to Rome. - Right.

You're on a midnight flight from Rome to London.

When you get to London, go to the flat in Paddington and lie low.

Don't go anywhere near my house.

- Clear? - As glass.

Now...

you put two drops of this in their coffee.

It's strong, so don't overdo it.

- Two drops. - Plain coffee for Simon and me,

- Got it? - Don't worry.

And don't get the cups mixed.

- Boucher. - Madame?

During dinner, take all the jewellery. Don't worry, you won't be interrupted.

- Now, any questions? - Yes. How quick does that stuff work?

Two to five minutes, depending on how much liquor they've had.

They'll be unconscious eight hours. Possibly ten.

You and I must pretend to be as doped as the rest of them.

And full of remorse for the terrible thing that's happened.

Exactly. Hilloram, don't forget to take my jewellery, too.

- Everything set with the crew? - Relax. I chose them, didn't I?

That about settles everything.

- Five clubs. - No bid.

- No bid. - No bid.

- M'lady. - Thank you.

- Come on, partner. - And were you ill for long?

- Three months. They thought I'd die. - How terrible.

- Isn't it beautiful? - Mm-hm.

- Are you cold? - A little.

- I'll get your wrap. - No, stay here.

Simon, are you happy?

Reasonably, I suppose. How about you?

Very. I love it, the whole situation.

The excitement?

And the danger. I love it.

Audrey, deep down, you're not really cut out for this life.

Oh, go on, Simon, no moralising, not from you!

I'm sorry.

I'm a thief and I admit it. But I steal with flair.

- And panache. - Like you.

I suppose.

When this is over, I'll have enough to live on for the rest of my life.

You intend to reform?

I might, if you'd help me.

I will, I promise.

I'm in love with you, Simon.

- I'm flattered. - Is that all?

I can't mix business with romance.

You're quite right, and very sweet.

So are you.

Well, my guests are waiting, and I am the hostess.

(Party chatter)

- Well, how's it going? - Not too good, I'm afraid.

Watch out for these two!

Everything all right?

You should know. You're the boss.

Psst!

This cable just came.

- Anything wrong? - The dirty, rotten, double-crossing...

- What do you mean? - I thought as much.

Sanders has been arrested.

- I told Audrey all along! - Templar?

- Who else? Is he still on deck? - Yes.

We'll get this over quick.

Right, take his feet.

(Door opening)

Oh, George! That's most amusing, really.

What happened?

Mr Templar must have slipped.

He struck his head, on the rail, probably.

- How very strange. - The deck is rather slippery, sir.

- Are you all right, Simon? - What happened?

- (Hilloram) You must have tripped, sir. - Yes, and hit my head.

Can I help you, sir?

No, that'll be all right, Hilloram. I'll talk to you in my cabin.

Very good, m'lady.

Audrey, can I do anything?

That's all right, George. Go and join the others.

- What happened? - Hilloram coshed me.

The fool. He might have ruined everything.

- He may yet. - He won't. I'll teach him a lesson.

No, let me. I'm going to break his back.

That's my job. You go to your cabin and relax.

I'll take care of Hilloram.

What the devil are you doing?

- Before you sound off, Audrey... - You stupid, clumsy fool.

You could have wrecked the whole scheme.

Let me tell you something.

You are my business partner. If you've got romantic ideas, get rid of them.

- You mean absolutely nothing to me. - And Templar does?

- You're in love. - That's none of your business.

It is my business. Sanders has been arrested.

What?

They picked him up at Amsterdam airport.

The whole operation is smashed.

Read that.

Templar with his smooth talk and his fancy clothes.

He's been playing you for a sucker behind your back.

He must have nearly died laughing.

Now do you believe me?

I was right all along.

Go on, say it.

You were right all along.

All right. So we've got to get rid of him, quick.

- Wait! - If you go on making excuses for him...

I'm not making excuses, Hilloram. Listen.

We move the whole job ahead 24 hours to tomorrow night.

- Why? I don't get it. - Change the rendezvous.

Tell the launch to meet us tomorrow night.

- Huh? - Don't you see?

We anticipate Mr Templar.

I'll go ashore with you. We'll hide out together in Rome.

Ah, now you're talking.

It's perfect. With Templar's reputation, the police won't believe a word he says.

- You've never been to Italy? - No, and I know George would love it.

- I think you'd adore it. - I don't think I should take coffee.

- It's awfully good for seasickness. - Is that so?

Drink it up.

Thank you, Hilloram.

We were talking about Italy.

Last time we were there, we had a divine time.

(Man) Oh, thank you.

All of a sudden, I've got a terrible headache.

- Well, that's a switch! - I think I'll go to the cabin for an aspirin.

Hey!

What are you trying to pull? There was something in that coffee.

I don't know what you're talking about. We're partners.

- Don't forget the men's wallets. - Right. Get me a drink, Hilloram.

I wonder why I trusted Templar. I always thought I could judge men.

- Well, you can't. - Obviously.

- Hilloram! - You underestimated me, Audrey.

- Been through the cabins? - It's all in here.

The launch doesn't come alongside for two hours yet.

We'll get rid of Templar first.

The types women go for!

- What shall we do with him? - We'll tip him over the side.

(Boat engine throbbing)

- It's the launch. - It's a bit early.

I'll say it's early!

Stand back, Hilloram.

(Splash)

- Are you all right? - You were just in time.

Come on in here.

(Whistles)

Simon, what's been going on?

It's a little complicated. I'll tell you later.

- Why the change in plan? - Didn't you understand my last signal?

I understood it. I just didn't believe it.

Ah! Very nice!

- Take these. You know what to do. - Sure.

Touching.

Mr Templar, you're the bravest man I've ever known.

Having your friend follow us, why, it was brilliant!

It was nothing, really.

Why couldn't you have warned us?

He told you that. The crew are pirates.

There's one question you haven't answered. Where is our jewellery?

It's on its way to London now.

You'll be able to pick it up at the London School for Orphans.

The what?

I know you'll all be generous enough to leave, say, ten per cent,

as a donation to this very worthwhile charity.

- We'd be glad to. - Delighted(!)

What happened to Hilloram?

Oh. In the process of trying to kill me, he fell overboard.

- I feel dreadful about it. - I'm sure you do.

Didn't you have any suspicions?

Audrey only thinks good about everybody. Don't you, darling?

Oh, yes, darling. Everybody.

Mr Templar spotted Hilloram and Boucher the moment they came aboard.

Mr Templar, what would have happened if you hadn't been on this party?

- I wonder. - We'll be in Cannes in the morning.

Then you can be on your way to London.

Meanwhile, I suggest we try and get some sleep.

Have you ever met anyone quite so thoughtful?

- You lied to me right from the start. - Audrey, think back.

I told you I called the police after I robbed the Sankins.

- And I did say I was going to reform you. - You are absolutely hateful!

You're mean and devious, and dishonest.

And just what, my pet, are you?

And what about my jewellery?

Most will go to the London School for Orphans.

The rest to the widow of the man Hilloram killed.

I can't claim any of it?

Audrey, this hurts me more than it does you.

But if you as much as set one pinkie little toe in England, you'll go to jail.

And just where am I supposed to go?

Well, someplace warm. Say, South America?

How am I supposed to get there? Swim?

This should pay for first-class transportation.

The rest will set you up in a modest flat somewhere.

There's a plane from Paris tomorrow night.

I should have my head examined, but I'd rather stay with you.

That's very sweet of you.

We will meet again, won't we?

Who knows?