Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[POPS]

Don't you point that beastly thing at me, you little lout!

Don't you dare!

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPS]

Blimey!

Are you all right, Mrs. Dunhill?

DUNHILL: Of course I'm all right.

That wasn't that little monster's cap pistol.

That was a real shot, from Number 33.

A .38 caliber revolver, I think.

WOMAN: It might have been a backfire.

DUNHILL: All the game I've bagged?

Don't tell me what's a shot and what isn't a shot.

Did I hear a shot?

You certainly did.

Somebody run around to the mews.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good morning.

We've come to inquire about the flat to let advertised in the Times.

Could you tell me? It didn't say how many bedrooms...

Hmm? What?

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. We must have made a mistake.

Uh, must have read the wrong bell, I mean, the wrong advertisement.

- That'll do, Claude. - Sorry to have bothered you. Uh...

Silly mistake. Sorry.

Agatha!

[♪♪♪]

[RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DUNHILL: Good afternoon, young man. - [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Oh, good afternoon.

- Come about the flat to let, I suppose. - Yes, I have.

I hope you take it, young man.

Things have been too dull around Gray Square of late.

-Goodbye. BILL: Goodbye.

She's been a fascinating neighbor.

She should make a most interesting landlady,

Don't you think?

Most interesting, Mrs. Dunbhill.

WOMAN [IN COCKNEY ACCENT]: Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

BILL: Oh.

Uh, hello. My name is Gridley.

I've come to see about the apartment... Uh, flat.

WOMAN: Are you a Yank?

Well, yes, but some of us are very nice, heh.

Could I see the flat, please?

WOMAN: You are a couple, aren't you? I mean, you have a missus.

Well, no, there's no missus. Just me.

Sorry, sir. I know my mistress' mind. She wants a couple.

Well, hey, where is your mistress?

- There's no one at home, sir. - Well, you're home.

What about you?

- Who, me? - Yeah.

- I'm just the parlor maid. - I see.

Well, couldn't you show me the flat?

You wouldn't be what she'd want.

Well, now the ad states that it's a couple preferred.

That indicates an open mind.

Come on, now.

Be a sport and beat it.

Well, please, this is an ideal location for me.

Would you just ask your mistress to call me at the American Embassy?

Oh.

I'm, uh, with the Foreign Service. I've just been assigned here.

- Oh? - Mm-hm.

- What's her name? - Whose name?

The mistress of the house.

- Oh. Her name? - Yes.

Well, it's, uh, um,

Mrs. Hardwicke?

Is it or isn't it?

- It's Hardwicke. - Mm-hm.

Mrs. Miles Hardwicke.

Ardwicke with an A?

- You don't know the name? - No.

Uh, well, I mean, I'm new here. I'm sorry if I should, but I don't.

It's Hardwicke with an H.

Right. Um, look, even though this Mrs. "Hardwicke" with an, uh...

Even she's against single men, couldn't I just sneak a look?

I mean, if I like it well enough, I might even get married.

- American embassy, eh? - That's right.

Well, perhaps it would be all right to just look.

Ah, good girl.

But don't get your hopes up. She won't let you have it.

Oh, isn't this very nice?

Hey, immaculate. I guess that's thanks to you.

Mrs. Hardwicke's very lucky to have you.

Anybody'd be lucky to have you.

- The flat's one flight up. - Yes.

This way, if you please, sir.

I can tell you in advance I'm gonna be just crazy about this flat.

What's this prejudice that your mistress has against single men?

WOMAN: Well, the neighborhood's full of neighbors,

And neighbors are full of curiosity, and, after all, I do...

She does live here alone.

Uh-huh.

Well, believe me, I'd do nothing to harm her reputation as long as you're around.

Heh. You are a one, sir.

You Yanks, you come right out with it, don't you?

Well, most of it, anyway.

These here's the digs.

I'm sure that taking care of a house this size puts you under a great strain.

- It's nip and tuck, sir. - Is it really?

- Sometimes. - Well, of course. Look at your cheeks.

They're all flushed. Well, tell me, does Mrs. Hardwicke...?

- You're sure she's out? - Yes, sir.

Yeah. Well, does she...? Uh, what's your name?

Uh...

- Hilda. - Uh-huh.

Well, Hilda, does she work you too hard? Now, that could be it, you know.

Now, those cheeks are definitely flushed. That's the first sign.

I thought you wanted to take a look at the flat.

Yes. I knew it. I love it.

You know, I frighten myself sometimes, my instincts are so uncanny.

Uh, in there is the bedroom.

Ah.

Yeah, that certainly is, isn't it?

Is she, um, your employer, due back soon?

Any blooming minute now.

- Tell me, Hilda, do you sleep in? - In and out, off and on.

- Catch as catch can. - You might call it that, sir.

- Now that you've seen the flat... - Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

Why don't you put in a good word for me

with this poor, frightened creature that you work for?

What rent is the old bag asking?

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] The old bag's asking 40 pounds a month.

Mm-hm.

Well, that's not unreasonable.

- Mr. Gridley... - Yes, Mrs. Hardwicke?

I...

[SIGHS]

I couldn't let you have it under any circumstances.

Where are you from?

Chicago.

Now, how about that?

The breach between us, never very wide, narrows.

I'm sorry. I couldn't possibly let you have the flat.

- It wouldn't work out at all. - It'll work for both of us.

Mr. Gridley, I clearly stipulated in my ad that...

I know, I know. I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll marry your adorable maid Hilda

And we'll move in here as a couple, huh?

- You're not very discriminating. - Huh?

Maid or mistress, it's all the same to you.

Oh. Well, I'm a Democrat from New England. I have no prejudices.

Now, why the maid act?

Well, it seemed as good a way as any to check on prospective tenants

- Without committing myself. - Huh?

Well, after all, I do live here alone now.

To put it plainly, Mr. Gridley, I've a dubious reputation.

You do? I'll pay you 45 pounds a month.

Not that kind of dubious.

Of course not.

Look, what's wrong with a man?

Very useful around the house, they tell me.

I mean, he fixes washers and he keep burglars away from the house.

A man has endless possibilities...

- I'm sorry. - I'll pay you 50 pounds a month.

- I'm sure you'd make an ideal tenant. - Yeah.

- And I could use the money. - Good.

- But... - Let's look at it another way.

We are both displaced persons, right?

But I don't have a place.

Look, Mrs. Hardwicke, I appeal to you as a fellow American.

Don't I appeal to you? Huh?

Hmm?

It's your funeral.

I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Yeah. Well, Mrs. H., you've made a wise decision.

I hope so.

I'll drop by the bank and pick up some pounds.

- Oh, the first and last month, I guess? - Uh, yes, I suppose so.

I'll have my bags sent over this afternoon.

I've gotta check in at the embassy. I'll be back... Oh. Um, how about meals?

I'm sorry, Mr. Gridley, I couldn't possibly provide you with...

I don't mean you provide. I'll provide.

Starting with dinner tonight. Are you free?

- Well, yes, I'm free, but... - Good, you're no longer free.

I'll see you about 6.

Oh. Ask Hilda to get the ice out, please.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Good afternoon, sir. This is Mr. Gridley.

Yes, Gridley. I've been expecting you.

- Come in. - Thank you, sir.

I've studied your record, Gridley. So far, so good.

- Glad to have you with us. - Thank you, sir.

- I understand you've been in Saudi Arabia. - Yes.

I was there myself once. Quite a stimulating two weeks.

- Sit down. - Thank you.

Well, I was there for two years, sir, and time changes your point of view.

We go where we can serve, not necessarily where we can amuse ourselves.

- Oh, I wasn't complaining, sir. - Of course not.

- Have you found a place to stay? - Yes, sir.

I've already rented a flat...

I mean, an apartment.

That's all right. You can get as colloquial as you like.

The British will feel you're keeping your ears open.

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Right-o.

Ahem. Yeah. Now, about this flat.

You're in a respectable neighborhood, I trust.

- Mayfair. Gray Square? - Splendid. Splendid.

The chief is a stickler for proper conduct all the way down the line.

Stay on top of your job here, keep your personal life tidy,

and I can assure you a happy stay in London.

Yes, sir.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

-Yes? SECRETARY: Lady Fallott calling, sir.

Put her on.

Lady Fallott. Very influential.

She can also bore the pants off you.

You're going to be seeing quite a bit of her.

You might as well get some idea.

Lady Fallott, how nice of you to call.

FALLOTT: Mr. Ambruster, I'm calling in reference to an American program

Which appeared on television last evening and caused me no end of concern.

Oh? May I ask which program it was?

A Western affair called The Gun Toter.

I was appalled at the shocking degree of violence.

I saw five murders, a double hanging, three pistol whippings,

And a United States deputy marshal nibbled to death on an anthill.

Well, I grant you, that's a lot. But don't forget, it is an hour show.

[SNICKERS]

Ahem. We have a new man with us, Lady Fallott.

Mr. William Gridley. He's Mr. Collins' replacement.

- I put him onto the matter immediately. - I trust he'll prove more reliable

Than Mr. Collins.

- He's one of our very best young men. - Very well.

- Goodbye, Mr. Ambruster. - Goodbye, Lady Fallott.

Get the picture?

I take it she didn't get along with Collins.

You've got your work cut out for you with her, Gridley.

Mm-hm.

You'll have plenty of other duties too, which I'll have to go into with you.

- Yes, sir. - What are your dinner plans?

- Well, I think I have a date, sir. - So soon?

You've still got desert sand in your shoes.

- Yeah. With my landlady. - Really?

I have yet to meet the landlady one invites out to dinner.

Oh. Well, she's an American. She's, uh...

- Well, may I speak off the record, sir? - You may.

Well, I would say confidentially that she's about 36-23-36.

That would sound good even on the record.

She's single, I take it.

Well?

There's a "Mrs." in front of her name, but there's no husband in evidence.

- Separated? - I guess so, sir.

Otherwise, why would she rent me half her house?

Her husband might be away on a business trip abroad,

in which case he could drop in any time.

Jet planes, you know. He could be in Afghanistan for breakfast

And you could be in the middle of a scandal by lunch.

No, no. I don't think that, sir.

No, Mrs. Hardwicke acted as though he were pretty much out of her life.

You'd better make sure. Did you say Hardwicke?

Yes, sir. You know her?

No, I don't think so. It just seems to ring a bell.

It's just, uh...

Well, anyway, just remember what I said.

Keep your off hours tidy,

And I don't think it would do a bit of harm

To find out exactly what the story is regarding her husband.

- Right, sir. - That'll be all for now.

Oh, I'd like you to look this over tonight, if you will, please.

It's a report Collins was working on when he went to pieces on us.

Oh.

Be prepared to give us a report in the morning.

Bye, sir.

[♪♪♪]

-Hello? Research? WOMAN: Yes, sir.

Ambruster speaking.

I'm trying to track down an elusive thought.

Does the name Mrs. Hardwicke of Gray Square mean anything to you?

Does it? I should say it does.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

You look radiant.

- Do 1? - You do.

You're just trying to make Hilda jealous. Hmm?

You wait a minute.

My aunt and I here were wondering if you'd be interested in some flowers.

You Yanks.

They're all so lovely.

What do you think I'd like?

It occurs to me I haven't seen flowers in two years.

- Think we'll take them all. - The lot, sir?

- The whole lot. - Bless you, sir.

-Say, how much are these? VENDOR: Thank you, sir.

You're a lucky woman, ma'am, to have such a thoughtful husband.

- He's not my husband. - No, we just live together.

Well, thank you, sir.

That was very thoughtful of you, buying all her flowers.

Well, it's selfish, really. I was just trying to impress my date.

- Oh. Your date? - Well, yeah, we do...

I guess I didn't give you much chance to say no, did I?

No, you didn't. But I could've.

- I see Hilda got the ice out, huh? - Uh-huh. And I've given her the night off.

Well, good. Three's a crowd anyway.

What do you say we have our first drink up in my remarkable new flat?

Hmm...

Jolly good idea.

Especially since you've got the only bottle of Scotch.

Found it when I was unpacking your things. They do that in England, you know.

Do they, now?

I hope you find everything.

I just put things where I thought you'd think they ought to be.

Well, thank you.

If you want to change for dinner, I'll fix you that drink.

First, I'd like to talk to you about signing a hundred-year lease.

Fine with me, if you pay in advance.

Do you always drink Scotch?

Well, in Saudi Arabia you have a choice, drinking Scotch or drilling for oil.

If I hadn't been transferred,

I was thinking of getting up a syndicate to drill for Scotch.

- Just a little water with mine, please? - Okay.

Oh, that's not your closet.

It's locked.

BILL: Yeah.

Your things are in the bedroom closet.

Oh, sure, fine.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

I won't be long.

Well, how about that?

You know, you pack as many times as I have, you get to be a real pro.

Look at this coat. Not a wrinkle in it. Not one...

You pressed it.

It was all wrinkled.

Do I have to go on calling you Mrs. Hardwicke?

Nope. My first name's Carly.

- Carly? - Mm-hm.

Carly Hardwicke. That's odd.

I don't think I've ever known a girl with the name of Carly before.

Carly Hardwicke. I approve. A very pretty name.

- Thank you. - I have a pretty first name too.

Bill. Kind of exotic, isn't it?

You think you could learn to master that monosyllable?

Well, there's always the Berlitz school.

Let me see. I've got quite a choice. "Hilda," Carly...

But right now, I prefer to get back to Mrs. Hardwicke.

Why?

Well, can I ask you a direct question?

What?

Where's your husband?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Believe me, if I was your husband, you'd know where I was every minute.

- Would I? - You're darn right, you would.

- And I'd know where you were every minute. - Would you?

Darn right, I would.

- Wouldn't you give me any privacy at all? - Practically none.

You, um...

Divorced?

No.

Hmm.

Uh, separated?

Very much so.

Well, I don't want to seem too eager, but are you, by any chance, a widow?

I really couldn't say.

Here. I hope I did this right.

Well, is it possible for you to do anything wrong?

Why don't we wait and see? I'll change.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DILLINGS: She's just gone off with your Mr. Gridley, sir.

He is one of your State Department lads, I believe.

- And who, may I ask, are you? - Dillings, sir. Scotland Yard.

Scotland Yard? Yes, of course.

Well, this is terrible. He just started work today.

Well, let's hope he shows up tomorrow.

[♪♪♪]

[BAND PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC]

Good evening, sir.

Charles, Table 1.

Dressed to kill, isn't she?

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Devilishly attractive, I'd say.

Really, Clyde.

And, let's see, after Bangkok, I spent six months in Marrakech,

And then Saudi Arabia, ew.

And this transfer to London was the biggest break of my career.

That is, before I met you.

Bill, what will your duties be at the embassy?

-Mm-hm. CARLY: Hmm?

Hmm? Oh. Uh...

I'll probably spend most of my time getting reservations on ships and planes

for VIPs and arranging visas,

And I'll be checking tariff schedules on fascinating things

like hemp, tennis balls.

And then I'll just move on to become secretary of state.

I figure I'm too old to be president.

Well, I'd better hang on to your bed.

Someday I can say, "William Gridley slept here."

Yeah. Right now you could put my importance in a teaspoon.

I wonder, somewhere along the line, I'd like to shed two bits' worth of light

On how we feel about other countries, you know?

Good.

I mean, it sounds corny, but my job means more to me than just a career.

And you've chosen the right career, Mr. Gridley.

You're bound to be a very successful diplomat.

Well, behind every man's success there is a woman like you,

If the man is lucky.

And what do you know about me? Maybe I could ruin you.

Well, I'm willing to make allowances.

After all, compromise is the cornerstone of diplomacy.

Now, tell me, what about you is so dangerous?

Nothing tonight.

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY MAMBO MUSIC]

- Carly. - Hmm?

How did you wind up in London?

I came to Europe on a tour.

- One of those all-expense deals. - Right.

It had been a dream of mine ever since I heard my first foreign accent.

We had a ball everywhere.

Rome, Madrid, Paris.

And then we came to London.

Yeah, and, uh, what happened?

Well, then the tour was ended

and, um, I was just about ready to go home...

When...

Miles Hardwicke.

How did you know his name?

Well, you mentioned it at the door, you remember?

- Dance with me, Bill. - Sure.

You will excuse us, won't you?

BOTH: I like dancing with you.

You didn't learn to mambo like this in Saudi Arabia.

-No. South America. Student riot. CARLY: Hm?

Well, you had to move something, or everything was over.

- Would you care for a drink, sir? - Tonic water, please.

BILL: I hope we can get a taxi. Will you look at this fog?

Mm, you'll get used to it.

Are you sure this country isn't on fire somewhere?

- Good evening, Mrs. Hardwicke. - Oh, good evening.

I wonder if I might speak to you a moment regarding that little matter.

Oh, well... Yes, yes, certainly.

- Excuse me a minute, please. - Huh? Yeah, sure.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Sorry, sir.

- I'm sorry, Bill. It was business. - It's all right. It's none of my business.

- Why don't we walk? - Yeah, yeah.

Um, where...?

[BILL CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Hemp.

Hello?

What was that for?

I just wanted to make sure that somebody hadn't dropped in unexpectedly.

- I'm not expecting anyone. - That's good.

Certainly is convenient, isn't it, living in the same house?

- I mean, it saves cab fare and all that. - Mm.

Ooh. Heh, heh.

Well, here you are, delivered safely.

- You're dropping me at my door? - Mm-hm.

- Well, how are you going to get home? - Well, I'll feel my way.

No, no. No. Carly, I couldn't possibly let you go home alone.

Why, if anything were to happen to you, I'd never forgive myself.

You're right.

[♪♪♪]

- Well? - Well...

How about tomorrow night?

Dinner, maybe a show?

Why don't you wait and see what happens tomorrow?

- Hmm? - See how you feel.

- Oh, I know how I'll feel. - Do you?

Carly, don't be a dream I'm having, huh? Don't just disappear in the night.

Thank you.

The rent.

And thank you.

[HUMMING CHEERFUL TUNE]

Mm.

♪ For suddenly I saw you there ♪ ♪

Oh, no.

Oh...

Oh...

[HUMMING CHEERFUL TUNE]

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING ON ORGAN]

Carly?

- Aah! - Oh, Bill! It's you.

I'm sorry.

You frightened me.

Well, I heard the organ.

- I'm sorry I disturbed you. - No, not at all.

I'm sorry I disturbed you. I just didn't know that you, uh, played.

Yes.

Please.

[SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES]

Gee, I used to play a little drums when I was in college.

Maybe sometime we could...

You do this very often at night?

- No, not often. - Mm-hm.

I wouldn't mind. I love organ music.

To me there's something about the tone that's almost like the sound of eternity.

Yeah.

Do you know "My Funny Valentine"?

I'd better go upstairs now, Bill.

I was just saying goodbye to an old friend.

- I'm sorry I woke you. - Oh.

[♪♪♪]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

-Yes? SECRETARY: Mr. Gridley is here, sir.

Tell him to wait a minute, please.

Um, people tend to freeze when Scotland Yard's around.

I'd like to size up your man without being observed,

If you don't mind, sir.

- Go into the conference room. - Right.

- I'll turn on the intercom. - Right.

Just push down the third key.

- You'll hear everything that's said. - Third key.

- Sir? - What?

Well, bring them along, lad.

Send Gridley in, please.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning, Gridley.

I've been looking over Collins' report.

Tell me, Gridley, um, how's the food at the Lamplighter these days?

Oh, excellent. What...?

You had dinner with Mrs. Hardwicke, danced,

Had two bottles of champagne,

left the club at 11:42, and walked all the way home.

Well, that's quite a thorough report.

Look, if I'm considered some kind of a security risk...

- Sit down, please, Gridley. - Yes, sir.

Uh, ahem, may I ask,

just how did you happen to pick Number 33 Gray Square as your residence?

I answered Carly's... Mrs. Hardwicke's ad in the paper.

Mrs. Hardwicke seems to have a penchant for getting into the papers.

Look, I don't understand, sir.

Mm. Tell me, what sort of woman do you find her?

And you can speak off the record, if you like.

Well, this is for the record, sir. I find her an absolutely heavenly woman.

Were you able to find out anything about Mr. Hardwicke?

Yes, sir. They're separated.

- She told you that? - Yes, Sir.

In my opinion, a divorce is imminent.

- She's going to divorce him? - Yes, sir.

Don't you think that would be adding insult to injury?

How's that?

Gridley...

Mrs. Hardwicke murdered her husband.

Well, that's certainly grounds for di... She what?

I said that absolutely heavenly woman killed her husband.

A sort of permanent trial separation.

That's impossible.

Mrs. Hardwicke has slipped lately, getting into the want ads.

Six months ago she made the front pages daily.

- Well, why isn't she under arrest? - Because they haven't found the body.

- No case. - There's no court case yet.

But as soon as they can locate Mr. Hardwicke's remains,

Mrs. Hardwicke has a date with the hangman.

But she didn't do it.

- You don't know the case. - I know Carly Hardwicke.

- After one day? - After one minute.

And I'm gonna know this case.

I'm gonna know everything about it, and I'm gonna prove she didn't do it.

This young man could be useful to us, sergeant.

- Thinking she's innocent, sir? - Yeah, all to our advantage. Shh.

Has she done anything since you've known her

that might cast the least bit of suspicion on her?

Susp...

Absolutely not.

She's just been kind and generous and warm.

That's beside the point.

Look, sir, if you knew her as I do, you'd know she's not capable of...

Then why did she lie to you about her husband?

Why? Because.

I don't know why. But if she did, there must have been a reason.

Maybe she's assuming the guilt to protect somebody else.

OLIPHANT [OVER INTERCOM]: We thought of that. The question is who?

I don't know who. But it is a possibility.

OLIPHANT: True. - You see”?

Are we on the air?

[DOOR OPENS]

This is Inspector Oliphant of Scotland Yard.

Well, I wasn't aware that the police were listening.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry about that, but we had to check you out.

I'm delighted to have your help on the case.

Help? I don't intend to help you on this case.

Cooperation, Gridley. You're a guest of the United Kingdom.

That's true, but I'm not a police spy.

No, no, no, Mr. Gridley, let me put it this way.

Assuming Mrs. Hardwicke was not guilty,

There would be no problem, provided we knew all the facts.

Every shred of evidence I can gather is important to her.

Even something that seems damning fitted into the overall picture

Might be just the clue to prove her innocence.

Oh, I see.

You want me to snoop around

And report everything that I find to you, huh?

If you want to help her, yes.

You work on the inside, I'll work on the outside.

We'll make a good team.

Team? You wanna prove she did it, I wanna prove she didn't.

No, no, no. You see, you don't know Scotland Yard very well.

We consider it a higher duty to protect the innocent than to convict the guilty.

- Oh, you do? - Yes, of course.

But it is essential to provide solid evidence to prove her innocence.

You're basing your opinion of Mrs. Hardwicke

Purely on the superficial aspects of the woman.

Mr. Gridley, um, do you ever hear of Angela Crowley?

-Angela Crowley? No, I don't think... -Ah, well, there you are, see?

Ah, ah, there you are, you see?

As beautiful as Mrs. Hardwicke, I daresay.

She slept in a coffin, Angela did,

and sent a goodly number of men to theirs with cruel dispatch.

She was an excellent cook,

using the finest of spices and the rarest of poisons.

Now, I believe that it was a tribute to Angela's talents

That one of her victims, after eating a poisoned kidney pie,

Asked for seconds.

It was the second one that did him in.

Would you say that it was interesting that a few weeks ago,

Mrs. Hardwicke tried to collect on her husband's life insurance?

It was pointed out to her, of course, by the insurance people

That they'd need proof of Mr. Hardwicke's death

Before they could honor the policy.

She probably needed the money.

Uh... True. True.

What makes her so sure that she could already collect on his life, eh?

Eh?

- Did you know they fought a great deal? - Well, every...

Every married couple quarrels. Yes, I know that.

But their exchanges reached such heights of intensity

that the police had to be summoned on three separate occasions.

Well, that means nothing. It's...

There are two main causes of marital squabbling,

Financial affairs and extramarital affairs.

Now, Mrs. Hardwicke is undeniably attractive.

She might have had a lover.

Furtive meetings with another man

who could have easily gone from paramour to murder accomplice.

[STAMMERS] Murd...

Look, inspector, Carly Hardwicke is a decent and gentle...

Ah, gentle. Ah, you see? Now, then, Molly Pasco was gentle.

She couldn't bear the thought of hurting her husband with a divorce,

So Molly and her lover sealed up Mr. Pasco alive behind a new brick wall.

Two weeks later she murdered her lover and ran off with the brick salesman.

Well, I hate a fickle killer, don't you?

- Be serious, Gridley. - I am being serious.

I fail to see, sir,

What these lethal ladies have to do with Carly Hardwicke.

I am merely illustrating for you the homicidal tendencies of the fair sex.

Females make not only loving wives and devoted mothers,

But very efficient killers, bless them.

I find this strange talk, coming from a man who says

That he is interested in proving Mrs. Hardwicke's innocence.

- Come here. Come here. - What?

You give me your help

and you'll find that I'm just as anxious to prove it as you are.

- You've got my word on that. - Yeah, well, I'll think about that.

- Gridley. - Well, all right. I'll take your word.

I- -Oh, good. Good. Good.

Now, here's my card, with my home number. Just ring me any time of night or day.

Gridley, you must remember

That you're living in a diplomatic goldfish bowl.

Your relationship with this woman must not leak out.

I must ask you not to be seen in public with her at any time whatsoever.

Now, here. Take these clippings, go to your office and study...

No, don't use your office. Go somewhere else. Read them in the park.

- Take the rest of the day off. - Yes, sir.

Just a minute, Mr. Gridley.

Two things, if I may. For as long as you can,

Try not to let Mrs. Hardwicke know that you're aware of her situation.

Try to catch her off guard.

Well, I mean, you know,

there are ways of getting women to reveal their innermost secrets.

I mean, the more, um, uh, familiar you are with her,

The better the chances are of getting her to the moment of truth.

- What are you getting at? - Well, um, what's coming through?

You want me to be a male Mata Hari?

I'm a member of the State Department, not the vice squad.

It's the method that counts. If you get her to confess,

You'll have performed a great service for your country.

Somehow I can't believe America wants me to do this.

[AMBRUSTER CLEARS THROAT]

If you foul up, Gridley,

I'll have you back in the Sahara so fast, you'll think London was only a mirage.

Well, in other words, if she knows I know, I go.

That's exactly right.

And I hope you haven't taken to talking in rhyme.

And do keep a sharp lookout for your own personal safety.

I mean, whoever killed Mr. Hardwicke might easily strike again, you know.

- I'll check all my kidney pies for poison. - Odd you should mention that.

Mrs. Hardwicke purchased a large quantity of arsenic early this morning.

[♪♪♪]

[SCOFFS]

[♪♪♪]

My mother says you're next.

Carly!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, yes, I got your message.

Well, you know I hate to, but I'm afraid there's no other way out.

Well, I'd rather not do it tonight.

Yes, the man you saw me with last night.

Well, you're probably right, of course. I-

It's best to just do it and get it over with.

Oh, I'd say about 160 pounds.

The problem is getting it out of the house.

You'd better send two men.

All right. Bye.

[♪♪♪]

Hi! Anybody home?

Hi?

I didn't expect you so early.

I guess you didn't. I mean, neither did I.

How did it go today?

Anything special happen?

[STAMMERS] Special?

I mean, out of the way or unusual?

No, nothing. It's been pretty dull so far.

How about you? Anything, uh, unusual happen?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, very. I paid all my bills, thanks to you.

Aw.

And I'm gonna provide you with dinner tonight, Mr. Gridley.

- And you can just take it easy and relax. - Great.

Let's fix it together.

- I'm pretty handy around a kitchen. - No, you don't. I'm a temperamental cook.

I can't stand anyone peering over my shoulder.

Now, you get out of that ambassador's uniform.

- Go on. I've got work to do. - Okay.

Carly? If it's all right with you,

I really don't feel like anything with sauces or gravy tonight.

Couldn't we just have something basic?

- What's the matter? Afraid of my cooking? - No. No, nothing like that.

I just, uh, got a queasy stomach tonight.

Bill, are you sure there's nothing on your mind?

No, no. Honestly.

No. It's just, um, nerves. You know, first day at the office and all.

Good. Now will you please go up and get comfortable?

And while you're changing, I'll make a drink. Hurry up, now.

Oh, I've got a surprise for you.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

BILL: Carly? - Out here, Bill.

Ready for your surprise?

- Do you notice anything? - Not yet.

[BILL CHUCKLES]

Well, look.

- Oh, a barb... A barbecue! - Mm.

- Is that the surprise? - Well, it's part of it.

Oh.

Did you get that just for me?

No, I've had it a long time, just never used it.

Why?

Well, Miles never cared for American food.

Huh?

He never liked anything but Brussels sprouts,

Kippers or kidney pie.

Basic enough for you?

- Steaks. Perfect. - Good.

Now, I'm not sure just how to get the charcoal going.

Well, you use some kind of lighting fluid.

I think I can find something.

Drink your drink. It'll pick you up.

Oh...

[SCOFFS]

Ahh...

[♪♪♪]

My father says so too.

I think I found something.

I don't know what it's for, but it says "highly flammable."

Yeah? Oh. Well, uh...

A barbecue. Uh, it's, uh... It's, uh, nifty.

Uh, I didn't know you used these much over here.

They don't. I had to chase all over London for it.

- Look at the label. "Made in California." - Oh.

- You haven't even touched your drink. - No, I haven't, have I?

Here's to living every moment to its fullest...

As if it's our last.

Too strong?

Hmm? Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Sure?

- Bill? - Hmm?

Is there something wrong?

Bill, are you sure? What's the matter?

Nothing.

Nothing, ha-ha-ha. There's nothing in it.

Nothing to it. I mean, it... No, it's great. It's...

- Let me fix it. - No, no, please. No, it's grea... It...

It's wonderful. It's just... You... Ooh...

- Look, let's get the fire started. - Right.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BILL SIGHS]

Maybe they think we're burning state secrets.

Or little witches.

Bill! The awning!

BILL: Well, the hose. Where's, uh...?

Turn on...

Ooh! Oh!

BILL: Get back! - Over there!

Untangle that thing.

Will one of you people please call the fire department?

Ooh! Oh!

[BELLS CLANGING]

CHIEF: All right, clear the way.

Come on, step down. Let the firemen in. All right.

All right, step back there, clear the way, now.

Let the firemen in.

Thank heaven you got here. We...

CHIEF: That'll do. Right-o, you blokes. Pack up.

It's all yours. Gangway here, please. Thank you.

-All right, then, who lit the fire? BILL: I did.

Well, sir, I'll have to have the particulars for my report.

- Now, officer, is this really necessary? - May I see some sort of identification?

- What? - May I see some sort...?

- Sort of identification? - Yes, sure.

- Diplomatic passport. - Uh-huh.

- Mr. William Gridley. - That's me.

United States Embassy. Terribly sorry, sir.

- There'll be no need for a report. - Of course.

I'll simply have a word with the sergeant.

Yeah, well, give him my best.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

I understand. It's your duty and all of that.

OFFICER: Thank you, sir. Good night, sir. - Good night.

Well, all things considered, I'd say dinner was a roaring success.

It was a mess.

I'm sorry, Bill. I was so looking forward to having a...

quiet and pleasant evening alone with you.

Dinner and all, and then later, I...

Well, later I planned on doing something that I wanted to do

Since the moment you set foot in this house.

Really?

- Now it's all spoiled. Yes, it is. - No, not necessarily.

With the police coming and all, Bill.

Men in public office, they can't afford to be involved in a scandal.

Well, they can if the scandal looks like you.

- You're not listening to me. - Huh?

You see, if your name should ever be linked with mine, it would just...

If you're worried about the policeman, it's all taken care of.

Diplomatic immunity.

You know, it saves you from everything from parking tickets to murder.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Onh. It's for you, Bill.

- Me? - Mm.

Hmm...

Hello? Mr. Ambruster?

Gridley, I want to see you right away. Even sooner would be better.

Right awa...? Well, isn't that a lit...?

Isn't that a little irregular?

Oh, highly irregular. But then, nothing's really been regular

Since you folded your tent and dropped in on us, has it?

No, sir.

Gridley, I want you to meet me at the Lion's Head Pub in Chelsea.

The embassy?

What are you talking about? I said the Lion's Head Pub in Chelsea.

Oh, did you say "the embassy," because she's standing there?

Yes, sir. I didn't want to repeat the address in front of her.

Well, if she's standing there, why are you saying that?

She's not standing here.

Then, why are you whispering? Oh, never mind, Gridley.

I think I'm beginning to see how your mind works, and it frightens me.

I'm leaving right now, and I expect you to do the same.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

- Oh, I beg your pardon. Yes. - Whatever for?

-Oh. There you are, sir. Yes, sir. AMBRUSTER: Gridley.

[DART THUDS]

When I instructed you to keep your presence

in Mrs. Hardwicke's house absolutely secret,

did you feel that you could best carry out that order

by trying to set fire to London,

Coming within inches of being arrested

And having the whole story appear in the papers?

-What do you mean... -What are you drinking, love?

- What you drinking? With ice, of course. - Scotch and water.

Yeah... No, no ice. No, forget the water.

[SCOFFS]

- In the papers? - There were newspapermen present

when the policeman made out his report.

They did some additional checking with your landlady's neighbors,

and gleefully pounded out the news that Mrs. Hardwicke is living with a man.

Not just an ordinary man, mind you, but a Mr. William Gridley,

U.S. State Department man, and part-time firebug.

I apologize, sir, but this was not Carly's fault.

Stop worrying about Mrs. Bluebeard.

- The story won't appear. - What?

Inspector Oliphant informed me of what was happening,

and I was able to kill it before it ever hit print.

You killed the story in the...

- I'll have the same, please. - Yes, sir.

How... How did you do it?

How? Gridley...

I have held my position here in London for some years now.

And I'm proud to say that, during that time,

I have been able to build up enough influence,

so that when the occasion arises,

A few simple phone calls from me, to the right people,

- and all is well again. - Yes, sir.

Gridley, if that story had appeared,

You would have been in very deep trouble, both here and in Washington.

And when one of my people is in trouble, I am in trouble.

I want you to know

That I have no intention of watching you go down the drain

And using my career as a raft.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

Mr. Gridley is waiting.

-And the Russian embassy... -Never mind about the Russians.

Mr. Gridley has become much more of a menace.

Morning, sir.

- Have you seen this? - Yes, sir.

Then tell me one good thing about this morning,

Except that it's your last one in London.

My last one...! Now wait a minute, please.

Sir, it seems to me that, last night,

You were saying something about power and influence

And simple phone calls that kill stories in papers.

- Obviously, something went wrong. - Obviously.

Don't let that give you any satisfaction, Gridley. My error remains between us.

Yours is on the front page of every newspaper in London.

By now, I assume, Mrs. Hardwicke has read them.

And to quote you, Gridley, she knows you know, so you go.

I'm sorry, my boy. In some peculiar way, I like you, but you frustrate me.

I frustrate you? Oh, ho, ho!

Well, I think the answer to our frustrations

Is that we be in different countries.

I pick England. Now, let's see what we can find for you.

No. Sir, if I may,

I don't feel you're taking the proper share of the blame.

If you'd killed the story as you said...

Gridley, you will learn that the higher your position,

The more mistakes you're allowed.

In fact, if you make enough of them, it's considered your style.

Now, you happen to be in what I would call a one-mistake position,

and you've made it.

Now, let me see, Iceland, Auckland, the Truk Islands...

Will you please reconsider? Put yourself in my place.

I can't. I haven't picked it out yet. Pakistan...

Aha!

Tierra del Fuego.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Tierra... Well, where's...

-Yes? SECRETARY: Mrs. Hardwicke to see you, sir.

AMBRUSTER: Ask her to wait, please.

Aha, so the little lady has come to ask her embassy to run interference for her.

No, I don't think that.

I'm not particularly interested in what you think, Gridley, but...

Just for kicks, why do you suppose she's come?

To intercede for me.

Oh, my boy, my boy. I mean, you've got a lot to learn.

I've had 20 years' experience

with every kind of incident and many kinds of women.

And I take great pride in my ability

to see beneath the surface of the most guileless female.

Now, in time, you too may acquire that ability,

But just for now, suppose you go to your office,

gather up your little bits and pieces. It's a long way to Tierra del Fuego.

I'm not even sure that we have an outpost in Tierra del...

- Now, if you will... - Oh, you...

That door, if you don't mind.

Thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ask Mrs. Hardwicke to come in, please.

Mrs. Hardwicke, sir.

- How do you do? Won't you be seated? - I prefer to stand, thank you.

What I have to say will take little of your time. I realize how busy you are.

Not at all.

This is your embassy, Mrs. Hardwicke. We're here to serve you.

Well, I'm not here to be served,

although I might have welcomed that speech months ago

when I needed your help. However, what I came to see...

Mrs. Hardwicke, uh, we will assist you in any way we possibly can,

But we cannot act in what is not in the best interest of Great Britain.

That could lead to international complications.

I don't expect my country to go to war for me.

But the fact remains, Mr. Ambruster,

That I've been hounded by the police,

Slandered by the press and humiliated by my neighbors.

- I assume that you've seen the papers. - They're burned in my brain.

Do sit down.

I've also been deprived of my passport, so that I can't leave the country.

And if I might mention it, accused of murder.

Mm...

Well, is there any one particular item you wish to discuss?

Yes. I've been prevented from getting a work permit.

Which, incidentally, is why I had to take in a boarder.

Which brings us to Mr. Gridley.

Mm.

You mean Mr. Gridley and you.

No. I mean Mr. Gridley alone.

Oh. Won't you please sit down?

- Do you know him well? - Not terribly.

Well, I think you should. He's really a very rare person.

That I know.

And he wants so much to do a good job in London.

Ooh?

Mr. Ambruster, there is absolutely no truth

In what the press has inferred that we...

Well, that we had some sort of an arrangement.

Of course not.

Why, he didn't even know about me.

I don't think it's fair for him to be punished for something that...

That's not his fault. You see, it was my fault for not telling him.

I was being selfish.

Actually, I was about to tell him last night

When, well, when you called, and...

Well, I think that's all. I do hope you treat him fairly.

I promise you that I'll do my part.

- Thank you for your time. - Just a moment, please.

- If I may offer an opinion... - I'm afraid I know your opinion of me.

No, no. You're a very persuasive young woman.

Mr. Gridley is, indeed, fortunate to have a champion like you.

And, you know, your photographs don't really do you justice.

The lighting is not terribly good in police stations.

Yes, I'm sure. It strikes me that, perhaps, I have

Been a bit derelict, and I suddenly find myself most eager to personally explore

this entire unfortunate situation with you.

Now, if I may suggest...

There's a restaurant around the corner,

I thought perhaps we might just slip over there,

Have a bite of lunch, and talk about the whole thing.

You're not afraid of being seen in public with me?

On the contrary, it'll be a relief to get away from these constant interruptions.

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Then you're not going to send him away?

The thought never entered my mind.

[♪♪♪]

You have hazel eyes, as guileless and innocent as a child's.

It's easy to understand why he's so devoted to you.

[CHUCKLES]

In fact, if I were a younger man, I'd wish I had answered your ad instead of Gridley.

[CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLING CHEERFUL TUNE]

Have a nice lunch, sir?

Perfectly charming.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, what did you have?

To tell you the truth, Gridley, I was so involved with Mrs. Hardwicke,

That I can't remember what it was or how it was.

Let me tell you something about that girl.

Oh, what... What are you going to tell me about that girl, sir?

That she couldn't possibly have done it.

That's your discovery?

With you, it was an opinion. With me, it's a conviction.

And let me tell you something else. You don't have to leave London.

You're staying right here.

You and I are going through the files of this case thoroughly.

- We've got to get Carly out of this mess. - Yes, sir.

Spending a day in the country.

She would pick the day of the murder to go off to the country.

With not one witness to back her up. I still say this is our best bet.

Where is it? Where is it? "Bloodstains on the carpet, one of his contact..." Yeah.

"The body was removed by car,

Indicating the victim was carried from the cellar to the garage."

Now, that could not have been Carly, because that man was a giant.

I tried his coat on. Where would she get strength enough to carry him?

Good thinking, Gridley. Maybe it's what led the inspector to believe

There might be an accomplice.

Now you've met her, you realize how silly that is.

Certainly. The fact remains that part of the crime had to be carried out by a man.

Yeah.

Man?

- Look. - What?

[♪♪♪]

I forgot about him. We bumped into him the night we went out.

- Who is he? - She wouldn't tell me.

- I don't like this. - Yes, sir. No, sir.

- Think you ought to follow him? - Well, what do you think, sir?

In a minute, you won't be able to find him.

Yes, sir.

I realize this looks bad for her, but I'm not worried.

- Gridley. - I've gone.

-All right, we can go home now. DRIVER: Yes, sir.

No, wait.

- That'll be all for tonight, Brewster. - Yes, Sir.

[♪♪♪]

[TRASHCAN RATTLES]

[GRIDLEY IMITATES CAT'S MEOW]

[♪♪♪]

- Move along, pussycat. - I'm sorry. Carry on.

[DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES]

[DOG BARKING]

[♪♪♪]

WATCHMAN: Here, what do you think you're doing down there?

Just window shopping.

Desecrating hallowed ground? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Gently, sir. I'm still warm.

[DOOR CLOSES]

May I help you, sir?

I'm sure Mrs. Hardwicke would never have sold it,

If she hadn't been strapped for funds.

The money I gave her for it tonight was only half its worth.

- It's beautiful, don't you think? - It is.

Everything's beautiful when the truth finally comes to you.

Do you mind if I use that in my text next Sunday?

[DOOR OPENS]

GRIDLEY: Carly!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

You needn't open them. Everything's there.

Well, Carly, what does this mean? Why are my bags all packed? What is...

This is the two months' rent I owe you, all of it.

Two... Well, wait a minute.

Carly, please, Carly. Look, I don't understand this.

First you go see Ambruster on my behalf...

On your behalf? Look, Mr. Gridley,

I've got my own problems, I don't need yours.

Now, if you'll just leave me alone, I'll be fine.

I'm not going to leave you alone.

- Need somebody to take care of you. - I can take care of myself.

Just worry about your precious career and leave me alone.

Stop worrying about my precious career!

It probably wasn't sturdy to begin with.

- And I'm not leaving. - Yes, you are.

Why do you want to stay here? Don't you know?

- I murdered my husband. - I don't care

- Whether you killed him or not. - Well, I...

You don't?

No, I don't.

I knew about that the day after I moved in here.

- You did? - I did.

Then, why didn't you say something?

Well, I said quite a few things at the time.

Among them that I adored you.

Well, maybe I didn't. I'll say it now. I adore you.

If you killed three husbands, I'd still love you.

Oh, Bill, you're a fool, an idiot.

Will you please get out of here? I don't need you.

- You don't? - No, I don't. I don't! I...

I love you.

I...

Bill, I didn't do it.

I know you didn't do it.

You couldn't kill a flea, and Scotland Yard and the FBI

Together, couldn't convince me otherwise.

Darling, I love you and I believe in you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ambruster.

How do you know?

Because he's Mister Bad Timing. Who else would call now?

- Aren't you going to answer it? - Oh, didn't I?

- Oh, not yet. - Okay.

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello?

Gridley, has she come back yet?

Yes, sir. And if you don't mind, we'll talk about it in the morning.

Now, don't give me a hard time, Gridley.

You're talking to a man who has just come back from the grave, literally.

Ever heard of Slaughterhouse Lane? Well, after you left, I followed her.

A police record? Are you sure of that? What kind of a shop was it?

Well, as far as I could make out, I think it was a pawnshop.

Pawnshop?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

[STAMMERS]

She must have hocked something so she could return my rent money to me.

Well, that's a relief.

Uh, what's the dope on the character you followed?

Eh? Oh, the character turned out to be a minister,

And let's hope I didn't upset his boss by trailing him.

Gridley, we were right. She couldn't possibly have done it.

That's exactly what I've been saying all along.

There's still one nagging little detail, though, that bothers me. The arsenic.

The arsenic. Well...

It's used for killing garden pests, gentlemen.

Oh.

Yes, of course.

Of course.

Of course.

Good night, Mr. Ambruster.

Good night, Carly.

Good night, Bill.

Eh... Good night?

Are you still there, sir?

I'm hanging up as soon as I get my foot out of my mouth.

Did I call at an inopportune moment again?

Most inopportune, sir.

Then you have my full permission to hang up on me.

Thank you, sir.

[SCATTING]

Hmm.

[PHONE RINGING]

Inspector Oliphant here.

Oh, Gridley. Good man. Are you on to something?

Yes. No. I called for ethical reasons.

What? Ethics at this time of night?

Inspector, I am resigning immediately.

I can't cooperate because now I'm convinced that Carly's innocent.

If she's innocent, I'm just as anxious to prove it as you are.

We've been all through that. The statement's evasive, and you know it.

And I...

[LINE CLICKS]

Gridley?

[LINE CLICKS AND SCUFFLING OVERHEAD]

Yeah?

[SCUFFLING CONTINUES]

[MAN GRUNTS]

Gridley?

Now, listen to me very carefully.

If Mrs. Hardwicke is there,

If she's there, if she's holding a gun on you,

Say anything you like, but start the next sentence with Mrs. Hardwicke.

Mrs. Hardwicke is not... Strike that. Nobody's holding a gun on me.

Then why the sudden resignation at this time?

What's going on in that house?

Well, nothing is going on in this...

-Would you hold... MAN: Wait.

Just hold on for a moment.

[COUPLE ARGUING INAUDIBLY]

[VASE CRASHES]

[BODY THUMPING]

[GUNSHOT]

[♪♪♪]

Gridley? Gridley!

She was holding a gun on him.

[♪♪♪]

Dead?

A burglar?

My husband.

Sergeant Dillings, you were stationed in front of the Hardwicke house

- On the night in question? - Yes, sir.

Tell us what happened?

At approximately 11:00 p.m.,

I perceived a man entering the house by letting himself in with a key.

He roughly answered the description

of who we believed to be the late Mr. Miles Hardwicke,

And a little while later proved indeed to be the late Mr. Hardwicke.

I went to a telephone booth and put in a call to Inspector Oliphant.

I had some trouble getting through to him, since his line was engaged.

But finally, he called me, and as a result of his instructions,

I broke into the premises and entered Mrs. Hardwicke's bedroom.

Please tell us what you saw in the bedroom.

Mrs. Hardwicke and Mr. Gridley standing together, and the body.

They were in their nightclothes. All except the body.

You say standing together.

Exactly what do you mean?

They were very close, with their arms around each other.

She had her head on his shoulder, and the gun, which had just been fired,

In her left hand.

[GALLERY MURMURING]

I should like to ask Mrs. Miles Hardwicke to take the stand.

Mrs. Miles Hardwicke.

I represent Mrs. Hardwicke, sir,

And she has informed me that she does not wish to testify.

[MURMURING THEN GAVEL BANGS]

JUDGE: Does Mrs. Hardwicke realize the gravity of that decision?

She is quite firm about it, sir.

JUDGE: Would her counsel come to the bench?

[WHISPERS] You're your only witness. You've got to.

Six months, they haven't believed one word.

- Why should they... Why? - Carly, you have got to.

[LOUDLY] I need you.

- All right. - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Sir.

Sir.

I apologize, but Mrs. Hardwicke has changed her mind.

JUDGE: Mrs. Hardwicke, tell us, if you will,

Exactly what happened on the night in question.

My husband was shot.

Well, of that much we are certain.

Can you tell us how he came to be shot?

- Yes, I think so. - Then, please do.

It was an accident.

Yes?

That's all. It was an accident.

Mrs. Hardwicke, you seem terribly shy about details.

Couldn't we reconstruct the incident a little more fully?

Perhaps I can help.

To begin with, exactly where were you on or about 11:00 p.m.

On the date of the alleged shooting?

- In my room. - And what were you doing?

Well...

I went to the window. I wanted to draw the curtains.

[♪♪♪]

[YELPS]

Forgive me, my dear.

I hate to deprive you of the pleasure of screaming,

But unfortunately, I can't take the risk.

[GASPS]

Not the usual entrance for a husband into his wife's bedroom,

Is it, dear heart?

But then I'm a most unusual husband.

Aren't I, Carly? Dead one minute and here the next.

Now, do you think you've got over your desire to scream?

Good.

Well, aren't you going to kiss your husband?

Aren't you gonna tell him how you've missed him?

What kind of game is this?

- Game? - Letting everyone think you're dead.

Oh, it was no game, dear heart.

You see, one of us had to be accused of murder,

So it made my choice comparatively simple, didn't it?

You'!

I suppose you have wondered where I've been all these months.

Well, I've been on the run.

You see, I did a little flying for a certain employer of mine,

And I seem to recall I was rather drunk at the time

and stole some valuable cargo from him.

Needless to say, he was most annoyed,

And sent a messenger to retrieve what was rightfully his,

And also to kill me.

Presumably, I suppose, as a warning never to do it again.

Well, fortunately, well, for me, that is, the assassin was most inept.

And I was able to assassinate the assassin.

And that's why I've been in hiding, Carly, both from friends and police alike.

Well, now that you've heard my enchanting little bedtime story...

- Why did you come back here, Miles? - For money.

Enough to get out of the country. But first...

Well, it has been six months, hasn't it, Carly?

Tell me, haven't you missed the more pleasant aspects of marriage?

- No more than I missed them when together. - Come off it.

- You're hurting me. - I meant to.

I think I like you better when you're frightened.

Let go of me, Miles.

Struggling, you know, only makes it all the more enticing.

[GASPS]

[MILES GRUNTS]

I think we can well do without a visit from the polizia on my first night home.

And you, my precious?

Mrs. Hardwicke, do you feel able to continue?

Now, then, Mrs. Hardwicke...

That's all.

That's all? That is the balance of your testimony?

Yes.

But, Mrs. Hardwicke, what of the shooting itself?

Well...

He came at me, insisting that I give him money,

even though I told him I didn't have any.

And I tried to get the gun away from him...

And it went off.

That's all, Mrs. Hardwicke?

That's all.

Oh...

[MURMURING]

I have here a police report stating that subsequent to your renting the flat,

You took Mrs. Hardwicke dining and dancing.

Well, why not say dining, dancing and drinking?

That makes it sound worse.

There's also a slightly confusing report

Of an evening that you and Mrs. Hardwicke spent together

During which, uh, a fire brigade was summoned.

We were merely having dinner in the garden.

While the house was on fire?

Well, we were going to have dinner by candlelight,

And then we decided to do it real big!

Mm... I think perhaps I'll ask for police clarification of this incident.

Now, when Sergeant Dillings arrived in the bedroom,

according to his testimony, you had your arms around Mrs. Hardwicke.

Look, sir, you've been asking an awful lot of questions

About my dancing with Mrs. Hardwicke,

Dining with her, having my arms around her.

Now, exactly what are you getting at?

If there was something more in the relationship

Between yourself and Mrs. Hardwicke

than that of tenant and landlady, then it is my duty to establish it.

Well, then, why don't you come right out with it? Ask me if I'm in love with her.

Frankly, I didn't want to put it so bluntly.

Correct, because it's hardly a question you would ask a gentlemen to answer.

And if you think that is why she killed him, you're...

Ignore that!

Mr. Gridley, I advise you to take these proceedings a little more seriously.

After all, you were at the scene of the alleged crime when the police arrived.

Exactly.

And as a matter of fact, it hasn't been established

Whether or not I participated in the alleged crime.

Well, sir, did you participate?

I don't remember.

Now, Mrs. Hardwicke has stated quite clearly

That you were not in the room at the time.

She may have been lying to protect me.

How do you know that I wasn't in on the struggle

For the gun with the jealous husband?

Huh?

Let's just sit back and ponder that, shall we?

[GALLERY CLAMORING]

He's behaving like a maniac. Trying to take the blame.

Yeah. If he keeps it up, he's going to get himself hanged.

- Hanged? We can't allow that. - No.

I don't think it will come to that. Hang on.

I wish to correct the impression Mr. Gridley might have created

By implying that he was somehow connected with the shooting of Mr. Hardwicke.

If you would, inspector.

Sergeant Dillings has testified

that he was unable to reach me on the phone, my line being engaged.

I was, at the time, speaking to Mr. Gridley,

Who had called me from the Hardwicke house.

Now, since I had him in conversation at the precise moment the shot was fired,

I can state without reservation that he was neither a party to the struggle,

nor the shooting.

May I ask, inspector, how it happened

that you were talking with Mr. Gridley on the telephone at 11:00 p.m.?

Uh, yes, sir. The day after he moved into Mrs. Hardwicke's house,

Mr. Gridley, at my request,

and with the kind cooperation

Of Mr. Franklyn Ambruster of the American Embassy,

Started acting as undercover agent for Scotland Yard.

[♪♪♪]

[CLAMORING]

WOMAN: Might I say something, please?

JUDGE: Madam, we are trying to conduct a proper inquest.

I have something to tell the court.

Oh, well, ask her to step this way.

[MURMURING]

BAILIFF: Do you solemnly swear that the evidence you give before this court

Shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

WOMAN: I do.

Will you state your name and residence, please?

Mrs. Agatha Brown. The Marston Hotel.

At the time of the alleged unfortunate incident, I resided at 35 Gray Square.

You have information pertinent to this inquiry?

I saw that it was an accident, if that is pertinent, sir.

You say you saw the incident?

The window at number 35 looks directly into Mrs. Hardwicke's bedroom.

It was what I heard first that made me look. They were arguing,

and knowing that Mr. Hardwicke was missing

And the other gentleman was living with her,

- naturally, I was interested. - Naturally.

Well, I saw Mrs. Hardwicke backing toward the window

And there was Mr. Hardwicke coming after her with a gun in his hand.

He grabbed her and twisted her wrist.

They struggled. She tried to stop him.

The gun went off,

and Mr. Hardwicke just stood there for a moment

With a surprised look on his face,

And then he fell.

And then the other gentleman came in.

Mrs. Brown, why did you withhold this information until now?

I was afraid. I didn't want to get mixed up in anything.

It wasn't until I saw how badly things were going for poor Mrs. Hardwicke

That I knew I had to speak.

The poor dear was only trying to protect herself.

There was no murder. It was nothing more than a terrible accident.

[GALLERY CLAMORING]

JUDGE: Order! Order!

Order! Order!

[GAVEL POUNDING]

BILL: Carly!

REPORTER: How about a statement, Mrs. Hardwicke?

BILL: Carly!

Excuse me. Carly, I've got to talk to you.

-Would you tell our television... -I've nothing to say.

She has nothing to say.

- Why don't you switch to another channel? - Please, sir.

Mr. Gridley, you have exactly a half-hour to get out of my house.

- Out of your house? - Gridley.

If you don't get rid of that...

Gridley, speaking not as a man, but as a member of the United States government,

You have exactly one hour to get your things out of that house.

That's wrong, sir. I have a half an hour. She just threw me out.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪♪♪]

Just come in, my dear.

I believe we have a matter of importance to discuss.

Thirty-three Gray Square.

AGATHA: A marvelous thing, gratitude,

And yet how little one sees of it these days.

It was kind and grateful of you to give me this, my dear.

But then, I'm terribly grateful to you

For leaving that one little detail out of your story.

Amazing, isn't it, how it's assured me a life of comfort and security?

Why don't you nap till I come back, dear?

This has been a trying day for you, I'm sure.

When I come back, I'll fix you a nice hot tub, and then we'll have dinner.

I think I'll have the ground floor done over for myself.

I don't much care for stairs at my age.

Yes, we must do that.

It will be much better, my living with you,

Rather than that dreadful husband or Mr. Gridley.

At least, my dear, I am a friend who won't betray you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

BILL: Carly!

Carly!

Now, what was that all about? What was she doing here?

Are you still working for Scotland Yard

Or are you doing your snooping on your own now?

Look, I never worked against you. You must believe that.

I only believe that I can't believe in anyone ever again.

Did my testimony sound like I was trying to prove you guilty?

Carly!

Look, Carly!

You've got to tell me what's going on.

Look, Carly, what's all this about Mrs. Brown moving in here? Where are you?

Look, Carly... Dear, believe me, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or us,

But I cannot help you unless you tell me everything.

[WATER RUNNING]

Carly?

Answer me.

Are you all right?

Carly, open the door.

Darling, please.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a bath.

Well, could you explain why you're taking a bath

At a time like this?

Because I feel dirty.

Oh, Carly.

Will you put that gun down and get out of here?

No, I won't get out of here until you tell me what's going on,

and what Mrs. Brown meant by one little detail you left out of your story!

Carly, if you don't turn off the water,

I'm gonna go downstairs, and I'm going to smash all the pipes!

Carly! So help me!

Now...

I want to know what Mrs. Brown's involvement is in all of this

And I am not going to move one inch until I find out!

You nut! Can't you tell that I'm trying to help you?

She wanted the pawn ticket.

Well, why couldn't you...

What pawn ticket?

The one my husband was going to kill me to get.

I don't understand.

Come on!

All right.

At the Inquest... I lied.

Well, at least, I didn't tell the whole truth.

It was true that he wanted money, and he did come at me with a gun.

But what I didn't tell them was that he...

All right, Carly, we'll stick to business. Where is it?

Where's what?

Don't play dumb with me.

I'm talking about the candelabra, the one that's missing from the parlor.

The can...

Well, I pawned it.

You did what?

I pawned it. I needed £40.

- You hocked it for 40 quid? - Well...

Didn't you know there were jewels stuffed in that candelabra worth half a million?

- What? - When did you pawn it?

Just tonight.

All right, Carly, give me the ticket.

- I said, give me the ticket. - I don't have it.

- What do you mean, you don't have it? - I don't know where it is.

I've got to find that pawn ticket. I've got to have it.

Get away from that window.

[VASE CRASHES]

It's an odd thing about killing,

but ever since the first, I've been rather looking forward to the second.

Now, give me that ticket, or I'll...

[GUNSHOT]

[♪♪♪]

I was just plain scared.

You see, I was afraid that if I mentioned the jewels,

They'd think somehow I was involved in his illegal activities.

And I didn't want his friends dropping in on me, either.

I just wanted to forget about the jewels and the candelabra.

-I wanted to tear up the pawn ticket and... -Only now it's in Mrs. Brown's purse.

She's blackmailing me.

Well, Carly, we've got to go to the police.

And admit I didn't tell the whole truth?

I thought I was in trouble before, but now I've really fixed things.

- Carly, there's no other choice... Huh? - Bill.

Standing here at the window, I just remembered something.

- What? - That night,

I broke away from him and I ran to the window to yell for help.

Yeah?

And I saw Mrs. Brown coming down the street.

-The street? She said... -By the time she reached her house

and got up the stairs, the whole thing was over.

Bill, she never saw it at all. She couldn't have.

Then how would she know what had happened?

How did she hear about the candelabra

-or the pawn... -Mrs. Dunhill.

She must have seen it and told her.

Well, let's pay a visit to Mrs. Dunhill.

- She moved the day after the shooting. - She moved? Where?

Mrs. Brown must know.

- Maybe we can catch her at the pawnshop. - Wait a minute.

Don't you think that you'd better, uh...

- Change? - Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs.

Okay. Yeah, I'll get a cab.

BILL: Better wait.

The pawnbroker?

Dead?

Looks like he knew what was inside of this thing.

He wasn't too anxious to redeem the pawn ticket.

- So Mrs. Brown... - Yeah.

It's a cinch she won't go back to the house now.

CARLY: But how will we find Mrs. Dunhill?

BILL: Next door, her house. She must have left a forwarding address.

Let's go.

Back to Gray Square.

Wait.

How do you do? The seance starts in half an hour.

- Won't you come in, please? - That's not why we came, but thank you.

The woman that lived here before you, did she leave an address?

BILL: Mrs. Dunhill.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

Paddington Station.

[POLICE ALARM RINGING]

Inspector.

Are they in?

I don't think so. I was going to pick up... Why?

Both Gridley and Hardwicke were spotted leaving the scene of a murder.

Is this a new murder or one I already know about?

No, sir, a pawnbroker in Slaughterhouse Lane.

Gridley couldn't have done that.

Maybe not, sir, but the death rate has gone up since he arrived in London.

- I'll have to pick them up. - Wait. Look, inspector.

Oliphant?

This is Inspector Oliphant. This is an all-points bulletin.

Pay special attention to all airports and railway stations.

Arrest on sight on suspicion of murder,

Mrs. Miles Hardwicke and Mr. William Gridley, both Americans.

Mrs. Hardwicke's description is as follows:

Height approximately 5'5", complexion fair,

-Eyes brown, speaks... -Hazel.

Eyes hazel.

She's quite attractive, as a matter of fact.

- When is the next train to Penzance? - That train is on Platform 6 right now.

- What time does it leave? - Five minutes ago.

Two tickets, please.

- Single or return? - Return.

How far from the Penzance Station is the Hotel Wessex?

- Just a short cab drive, madam. - Yeah... How much?

That'll be £16, eight shillings, sir.

If you're thinking of it for a holiday, sir,

The Wessex caters to elderly people.

Yes, we know. Thank you.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Hazel eyes, yeah, yeah.

Both Americans. Yes, sir. I'll keep a sharp lookout.

[♪♪♪]

- Bill... - Hm?

What if Mrs. Dunhill won't come back to testify for me?

Mrs. Brown says she has a bad heart.

Maybe she'll be too sick.

Yeah, well, we'll drag everybody down to Penzance and make her testify there.

It's been done before.

- You know something? - Hm?

I do need you.

I wonder who Mrs. Brown is killing right now?

If she has any sense, she's hiding.

[♪♪♪]

I'll be right back.

Wait, wait, wait...

[♪♪♪]

OLIPHANT: I see.

I see. Well, no one at all.

I said, no one at all.

Oh.

Yeah, well, Dillings, stay with it.

Stay with it.

What's the word?

Well, no one has entered or even approached the house all night.

- Did you sleep well, sir? - I had a marvelous dream.

I was in the shooting gallery and every target had Gridley's face on it.

- He has been a bit of a trial, hasn't he? - A bit?

[PHONE RINGS]

Inspector Oliphant speaking.

They have? Where?

- Gridley? - Now, listen.

They're to be arrested the instant the train arrives and returned to London.

- Now, inspector, look... - Well, now,

They were identified at Bristol Railway Station during a stop.

For some unknown reason, they're headed for Penzance.

Inspector, you can't arrest them.

You have no idea what the repercussions would be. Washington will throw a fit.

- I'm afraid I can't let that concern me. - If I can just speak to him first.

Inspector, I gave you Gridley when you needed him.

I ask you to give him to me for just five minutes.

I appeal to you with every one of my exposed nerve ends.

Mr. Ambruster, sir, look, I'd like to be able to help you,

But it's hours from here to Penzance.

If we should lose them there...

- May I use your phone? - Yes, certainly, of course.

- We can be there in no time. - Yes? How?

Inspector, have you noticed that the emblem

Over the American embassy is an eagle?

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

[BAND PLAYING FESTIVE MUSIC]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[BAND PLAYING GILBERT AND SULLIVAN'S "THE MAJOR-GENERAL'S SONG"]

[BAND PLAYING GILBERT AND SULLIVAN'S "POOR WAND'RING ONE"]

What are you doing, Mrs. Brown?

I was lonesome for you, my dear. I thought we might have a little chat.

I don't want to chat. Take me back before I miss The Mikado.

But first, we'll have a little ride along the cliffs.

[BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I insist that you tell me what you're up to.

Well, of course, my dear.

Remember when we decided that I should go to the police

To tell them about that terrible accident you saw

to save you the ordeal of an investigation?

That was your idea. You knew my heart condition.

Well, since then, a great deal has happened.

I can either go to prison, or to the gallows,

or spend the rest of my life in luxury.

I prefer the latter, and I want to make sure you won't spoil it.

How could I spoil it?

[AGATHA LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Whee!

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[♪♪♪]

Gridley, if there is an explanation for this astounding exhibit,

You'll never find a more willing audience.

Mrs. Brown tried to kill me.

- See, Mrs. Dunhill saw the shooting. - It was self-defense.

- He had a gun. I saw the whole thing. - She was blackmailing me.

After she perjured herself at the inquest...

- I didn't mention the candelabra. - She didn't tell anyone.

- I was afraid if I told the police... -You poor child.

I shot my way into her bathroom to find it out.

You see? These jewels, they were in her purse.

- She killed the pawnbroker... - She tried to kill Mrs. Dunhill,

- Just to keep her from telling the truth. - Yeah. Yeah.

Is that clear to you, inspector?

Um...

Probably.

Of course it's clear. Wraps the whole thing up, doesn't it?

Now, Gridley, it's been said that there will always be an England,

And I'd like to do my part to keep it that way.

How would you like an assignment back in the States?

Oh, would 1?

Would 1?

We would.

Done.

I'm going to miss you both.

Mrs. Hardwicke,

I promised myself something the first day we met,

And I've never been one to go back on a promise.

Gridley, I do hope your life from here on in proves less hectic.

Yes, so do I.

- Good luck, old boy. - Thank you, sir.

Oh. Right.

- Thank you, sir. - Oh, no!

No!

[♪♪♪]

[BAND PLAYING FINALE]

[APPLAUSE]