All language subtitles for The.Notorious.Landlady.1962.1080p.BluRay.x265

[♪♪♪]

[POPS]

Don't you point that beastly thing at me,
you little lout!

Don't you dare!

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPS]

Blimey!

Are you all right, Mrs. Dunhill?

DUNHILL:
Of course I'm all right.

That wasn't
that little monster's cap pistol.

That was a real shot, from Number 33.

A .38 caliber revolver, I think.

WOMAN:
It might have been a backfire.

DUNHILL:
All the game I've bagged?

Don't tell me what's a shot
and what isn't a shot.

Did I hear a shot?

You certainly did.

Somebody run around to the mews.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good morning.

We've come to inquire about the flat
to let advertised in the Times.

Could you tell me?
It didn't say how many bedrooms...

Hmm? What?

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
We must have made a mistake.

Uh, must have read the wrong bell,
I mean, the wrong advertisement.

- That'll do, Claude.
- Sorry to have bothered you. Uh...

Silly mistake. Sorry.

Agatha!

[♪♪♪]

[RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DUNHILL: Good afternoon, young man.
- [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Oh, good afternoon.

- Come about the flat to let, I suppose.
- Yes, I have.

I hope you take it, young man.

Things have been too dull
around Gray Square of late.

-Goodbye.
BILL: Goodbye.

She's been a fascinating neighbor.

She should make
a most interesting landlady,

Don't you think?

Most interesting, Mrs. Dunbhill.

WOMAN [IN COCKNEY ACCENT]:
Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

BILL:
Oh.

Uh, hello. My name is Gridley.

I've come to see about the apartment...
Uh, flat.

WOMAN:
Are you a Yank?

Well, yes,
but some of us are very nice, heh.

Could I see the flat, please?

WOMAN: You are a couple, aren't you?
I mean, you have a missus.

Well, no, there's no missus. Just me.

Sorry, sir. I know my mistress' mind.
She wants a couple.

Well, hey, where is your mistress?

- There's no one at home, sir.
- Well, you're home.

What about you?

- Who, me?
- Yeah.

- I'm just the parlor maid.
- I see.

Well, couldn't you show me the flat?

You wouldn't be what she'd want.

Well, now the ad states
that it's a couple preferred.

That indicates an open mind.

Come on, now.

Be a sport and beat it.

Well, please,
this is an ideal location for me.

Would you just ask your mistress
to call me at the American Embassy?

Oh.

I'm, uh, with the Foreign Service.
I've just been assigned here.

- Oh?
- Mm-hm.

- What's her name?
- Whose name?

The mistress of the house.

- Oh. Her name?
- Yes.

Well, it's, uh, um,

Mrs. Hardwicke?

Is it or isn't it?

- It's Hardwicke.
- Mm-hm.

Mrs. Miles Hardwicke.

Ardwicke with an A?

- You don't know the name?
- No.

Uh, well, I mean, I'm new here.
I'm sorry if I should, but I don't.

It's Hardwicke with an H.

Right. Um, look, even though
this Mrs. "Hardwicke" with an, uh...

Even she's against single men,
couldn't I just sneak a look?

I mean, if I like it well enough,
I might even get married.

- American embassy, eh?
- That's right.

Well, perhaps it would be all right
to just look.

Ah, good girl.

But don't get your hopes up.
She won't let you have it.

Oh, isn't this very nice?

Hey, immaculate.
I guess that's thanks to you.

Mrs. Hardwicke's very lucky to have you.

Anybody'd be lucky to have you.

- The flat's one flight up.
- Yes.

This way, if you please, sir.

I can tell you in advance
I'm gonna be just crazy about this flat.

What's this prejudice
that your mistress has against single men?

WOMAN: Well, the neighborhood's full
of neighbors,

And neighbors are full of curiosity,
and, after all, I do...

She does live here alone.

Uh-huh.

Well, believe me, I'd do nothing to harm
her reputation as long as you're around.

Heh. You are a one, sir.

You Yanks, you come right out with it,
don't you?

Well, most of it, anyway.

These here's the digs.

I'm sure that taking care of a house
this size puts you under a great strain.

- It's nip and tuck, sir.
- Is it really?

- Sometimes.
- Well, of course. Look at your cheeks.

They're all flushed.
Well, tell me, does Mrs. Hardwicke...?

- You're sure she's out?
- Yes, sir.

Yeah. Well, does she...?
Uh, what's your name?

Uh...

- Hilda.
- Uh-huh.

Well, Hilda, does she work you too hard?
Now, that could be it, you know.

Now, those cheeks are definitely flushed.
That's the first sign.

I thought you wanted to take a look
at the flat.

Yes. I knew it. I love it.

You know, I frighten myself sometimes,
my instincts are so uncanny.

Uh, in there is the bedroom.

Ah.

Yeah, that certainly is, isn't it?

Is she, um, your employer, due back soon?

Any blooming minute now.

- Tell me, Hilda, do you sleep in?
- In and out, off and on.

- Catch as catch can.
- You might call it that, sir.

- Now that you've seen the flat...
- Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

Why don't you put in a good word for me

with this poor, frightened creature
that you work for?

What rent is the old bag asking?

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT]
The old bag's asking 40 pounds a month.

Mm-hm.

Well, that's not unreasonable.

- Mr. Gridley...
- Yes, Mrs. Hardwicke?

I...

[SIGHS]

I couldn't let you have it
under any circumstances.

Where are you from?

Chicago.

Now, how about that?

The breach between us,
never very wide, narrows.

I'm sorry.
I couldn't possibly let you have the flat.

- It wouldn't work out at all.
- It'll work for both of us.

Mr. Gridley, I clearly stipulated
in my ad that...

I know, I know.
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll marry your adorable maid Hilda

And we'll move in here as a couple, huh?

- You're not very discriminating.
- Huh?

Maid or mistress,
it's all the same to you.

Oh. Well, I'm a Democrat from New England.
I have no prejudices.

Now, why the maid act?

Well, it seemed as good a way as any
to check on prospective tenants

- Without committing myself.
- Huh?

Well, after all, I do live here alone now.

To put it plainly, Mr. Gridley,
I've a dubious reputation.

You do? I'll pay you 45 pounds a month.

Not that kind of dubious.

Of course not.

Look, what's wrong with a man?

Very useful around the house,
they tell me.

I mean, he fixes washers
and he keep burglars away from the house.

A man has endless possibilities...

- I'm sorry.
- I'll pay you 50 pounds a month.

- I'm sure you'd make an ideal tenant.
- Yeah.

- And I could use the money.
- Good.

- But...
- Let's look at it another way.

We are both displaced persons, right?

But I don't have a place.

Look, Mrs. Hardwicke, I appeal to you
as a fellow American.

Don't I appeal to you? Huh?

Hmm?

It's your funeral.

I might as well be hung for a sheep
as a lamb.

Yeah. Well, Mrs. H.,
you've made a wise decision.

I hope so.

I'll drop by the bank
and pick up some pounds.

- Oh, the first and last month, I guess?
- Uh, yes, I suppose so.

I'll have my bags sent over
this afternoon.

I've gotta check in at the embassy.
I'll be back... Oh. Um, how about meals?

I'm sorry, Mr. Gridley,
I couldn't possibly provide you with...

I don't mean you provide. I'll provide.

Starting with dinner tonight.
Are you free?

- Well, yes, I'm free, but...
- Good, you're no longer free.

I'll see you about 6.

Oh. Ask Hilda to get the ice out, please.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Good afternoon, sir.
This is Mr. Gridley.

Yes, Gridley. I've been expecting you.

- Come in.
- Thank you, sir.

I've studied your record, Gridley.
So far, so good.

- Glad to have you with us.
- Thank you, sir.

- I understand you've been in Saudi Arabia.
- Yes.

I was there myself once.
Quite a stimulating two weeks.

- Sit down.
- Thank you.

Well, I was there for two years, sir,
and time changes your point of view.

We go where we can serve, not necessarily
where we can amuse ourselves.

- Oh, I wasn't complaining, sir.
- Of course not.

- Have you found a place to stay?
- Yes, sir.

I've already rented a flat...

I mean, an apartment.

That's all right.
You can get as colloquial as you like.

The British will feel
you're keeping your ears open.

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
Right-o.

Ahem. Yeah. Now, about this flat.

You're in a respectable neighborhood,
I trust.

- Mayfair. Gray Square?
- Splendid. Splendid.

The chief is a stickler for proper conduct
all the way down the line.

Stay on top of your job here,
keep your personal life tidy,

and I can assure you a happy stay
in London.

Yes, sir.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

-Yes?
SECRETARY: Lady Fallott calling, sir.

Put her on.

Lady Fallott. Very influential.

She can also bore the pants off you.

You're going to be seeing
quite a bit of her.

You might as well get some idea.

Lady Fallott, how nice of you to call.

FALLOTT: Mr. Ambruster, I'm calling
in reference to an American program

Which appeared on television last evening
and caused me no end of concern.

Oh? May I ask which program it was?

A Western affair called The Gun Toter.

I was appalled at the shocking degree
of violence.

I saw five murders, a double hanging,
three pistol whippings,

And a United States deputy marshal
nibbled to death on an anthill.

Well, I grant you, that's a lot.
But don't forget, it is an hour show.

[SNICKERS]

Ahem. We have a new man with us,
Lady Fallott.

Mr. William Gridley.
He's Mr. Collins' replacement.

- I put him onto the matter immediately.
- I trust he'll prove more reliable

Than Mr. Collins.

- He's one of our very best young men.
- Very well.

- Goodbye, Mr. Ambruster.
- Goodbye, Lady Fallott.

Get the picture?

I take it she didn't get along
with Collins.

You've got your work cut out for you
with her, Gridley.

Mm-hm.

You'll have plenty of other duties too,
which I'll have to go into with you.

- Yes, sir.
- What are your dinner plans?

- Well, I think I have a date, sir.
- So soon?

You've still got desert sand
in your shoes.

- Yeah. With my landlady.
- Really?

I have yet to meet the landlady
one invites out to dinner.

Oh. Well, she's an American. She's, uh...

- Well, may I speak off the record, sir?
- You may.

Well, I would say confidentially
that she's about 36-23-36.

That would sound good even on the record.

She's single, I take it.

Well?

There's a "Mrs." in front of her name,
but there's no husband in evidence.

- Separated?
- I guess so, sir.

Otherwise, why would she rent me
half her house?

Her husband might be away
on a business trip abroad,

in which case he could drop in any time.

Jet planes, you know.
He could be in Afghanistan for breakfast

And you could be in the middle
of a scandal by lunch.

No, no. I don't think that, sir.

No, Mrs. Hardwicke acted as though
he were pretty much out of her life.

You'd better make sure.
Did you say Hardwicke?

Yes, sir. You know her?

No, I don't think so.
It just seems to ring a bell.

It's just, uh...

Well, anyway, just remember what I said.

Keep your off hours tidy,

And I don't think it would do a bit
of harm

To find out exactly what the story is
regarding her husband.

- Right, sir.
- That'll be all for now.

Oh, I'd like you to look this over
tonight, if you will, please.

It's a report Collins was working on
when he went to pieces on us.

Oh.

Be prepared to give us a report
in the morning.

Bye, sir.

[♪♪♪]

-Hello? Research?
WOMAN: Yes, sir.

Ambruster speaking.

I'm trying to track down
an elusive thought.

Does the name Mrs. Hardwicke
of Gray Square mean anything to you?

Does it? I should say it does.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

You look radiant.

- Do 1?
- You do.

You're just trying
to make Hilda jealous. Hmm?

You wait a minute.

My aunt and I here were wondering
if you'd be interested in some flowers.

You Yanks.

They're all so lovely.

What do you think I'd like?

It occurs to me I haven't seen flowers
in two years.

- Think we'll take them all.
- The lot, sir?

- The whole lot.
- Bless you, sir.

-Say, how much are these?
VENDOR: Thank you, sir.

You're a lucky woman, ma'am,
to have such a thoughtful husband.

- He's not my husband.
- No, we just live together.

Well, thank you, sir.

That was very thoughtful of you,
buying all her flowers.

Well, it's selfish, really.
I was just trying to impress my date.

- Oh. Your date?
- Well, yeah, we do...

I guess I didn't give you much chance
to say no, did I?

No, you didn't. But I could've.

- I see Hilda got the ice out, huh?
- Uh-huh. And I've given her the night off.

Well, good. Three's a crowd anyway.

What do you say we have our first drink
up in my remarkable new flat?

Hmm...

Jolly good idea.

Especially since you've got
the only bottle of Scotch.

Found it when I was unpacking your things.
They do that in England, you know.

Do they, now?

I hope you find everything.

I just put things where I thought
you'd think they ought to be.

Well, thank you.

If you want to change for dinner,
I'll fix you that drink.

First, I'd like to talk to you
about signing a hundred-year lease.

Fine with me, if you pay in advance.

Do you always drink Scotch?

Well, in Saudi Arabia you have a choice,
drinking Scotch or drilling for oil.

If I hadn't been transferred,

I was thinking of getting up a syndicate
to drill for Scotch.

- Just a little water with mine, please?
- Okay.

Oh, that's not your closet.

It's locked.

BILL:
Yeah.

Your things are in the bedroom closet.

Oh, sure, fine.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

I won't be long.

Well, how about that?

You know, you pack as many times
as I have, you get to be a real pro.

Look at this coat. Not a wrinkle in it.
Not one...

You pressed it.

It was all wrinkled.

Do I have to go on calling you
Mrs. Hardwicke?

Nope. My first name's Carly.

- Carly?
- Mm-hm.

Carly Hardwicke. That's odd.

I don't think I've ever known a girl
with the name of Carly before.

Carly Hardwicke. I approve.
A very pretty name.

- Thank you.
- I have a pretty first name too.

Bill. Kind of exotic, isn't it?

You think you could learn
to master that monosyllable?

Well, there's always the Berlitz school.

Let me see. I've got quite a choice.
"Hilda," Carly...

But right now, I prefer to get back
to Mrs. Hardwicke.

Why?

Well, can I ask you a direct question?

What?

Where's your husband?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Believe me, if I was your husband,
you'd know where I was every minute.

- Would I?
- You're darn right, you would.

- And I'd know where you were every minute.
- Would you?

Darn right, I would.

- Wouldn't you give me any privacy at all?
- Practically none.

You, um...

Divorced?

No.

Hmm.

Uh, separated?

Very much so.

Well, I don't want to seem too eager,
but are you, by any chance, a widow?

I really couldn't say.

Here. I hope I did this right.

Well, is it possible for you
to do anything wrong?

Why don't we wait and see? I'll change.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DILLINGS: She's just gone off
with your Mr. Gridley, sir.

He is one of your State Department lads,
I believe.

- And who, may I ask, are you?
- Dillings, sir. Scotland Yard.

Scotland Yard? Yes, of course.

Well, this is terrible.
He just started work today.

Well, let's hope he shows up tomorrow.

[♪♪♪]

[BAND PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC]

Good evening, sir.

Charles, Table 1.

Dressed to kill, isn't she?

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Devilishly attractive, I'd say.

Really, Clyde.

And, let's see, after Bangkok,
I spent six months in Marrakech,

And then Saudi Arabia, ew.

And this transfer to London
was the biggest break of my career.

That is, before I met you.

Bill, what will your duties be
at the embassy?

-Mm-hm.
CARLY: Hmm?

Hmm? Oh. Uh...

I'll probably spend most of my time
getting reservations on ships and planes

for VIPs and arranging visas,

And I'll be checking tariff schedules
on fascinating things

like hemp, tennis balls.

And then I'll just move on
to become secretary of state.

I figure I'm too old to be president.

Well, I'd better hang on to your bed.

Someday I can say,
"William Gridley slept here."

Yeah. Right now you could put
my importance in a teaspoon.

I wonder, somewhere along the line,
I'd like to shed two bits' worth of light

On how we feel about other countries,
you know?

Good.

I mean, it sounds corny, but my job
means more to me than just a career.

And you've chosen the right career,
Mr. Gridley.

You're bound to be
a very successful diplomat.

Well, behind every man's success
there is a woman like you,

If the man is lucky.

And what do you know about me?
Maybe I could ruin you.

Well, I'm willing to make allowances.

After all, compromise is the cornerstone
of diplomacy.

Now, tell me,
what about you is so dangerous?

Nothing tonight.

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY MAMBO MUSIC]

- Carly.
- Hmm?

How did you wind up in London?

I came to Europe on a tour.

- One of those all-expense deals.
- Right.

It had been a dream of mine ever since
I heard my first foreign accent.

We had a ball everywhere.

Rome, Madrid, Paris.

And then we came to London.

Yeah, and, uh, what happened?

Well, then the tour was ended

and, um, I was just about ready
to go home...

When...

Miles Hardwicke.

How did you know his name?

Well, you mentioned it at the door,
you remember?

- Dance with me, Bill.
- Sure.

You will excuse us, won't you?

BOTH:
I like dancing with you.

You didn't learn to mambo like this
in Saudi Arabia.

-No. South America. Student riot.
CARLY: Hm?

Well, you had to move something,
or everything was over.

- Would you care for a drink, sir?
- Tonic water, please.

BILL: I hope we can get a taxi.
Will you look at this fog?

Mm, you'll get used to it.

Are you sure
this country isn't on fire somewhere?

- Good evening, Mrs. Hardwicke.
- Oh, good evening.

I wonder if I might speak to you a moment
regarding that little matter.

Oh, well... Yes, yes, certainly.

- Excuse me a minute, please.
- Huh? Yeah, sure.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Sorry, sir.

- I'm sorry, Bill. It was business.
- It's all right. It's none of my business.

- Why don't we walk?
- Yeah, yeah.

Um, where...?

[BILL CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Hemp.

Hello?

What was that for?

I just wanted to make sure that somebody
hadn't dropped in unexpectedly.

- I'm not expecting anyone.
- That's good.

Certainly is convenient, isn't it,
living in the same house?

- I mean, it saves cab fare and all that.
- Mm.

Ooh. Heh, heh.

Well, here you are, delivered safely.

- You're dropping me at my door?
- Mm-hm.

- Well, how are you going to get home?
- Well, I'll feel my way.

No, no. No. Carly,
I couldn't possibly let you go home alone.

Why, if anything were to happen to you,
I'd never forgive myself.

You're right.

[♪♪♪]

- Well?
- Well...

How about tomorrow night?

Dinner, maybe a show?

Why don't you wait and see
what happens tomorrow?

- Hmm?
- See how you feel.

- Oh, I know how I'll feel.
- Do you?

Carly, don't be a dream I'm having, huh?
Don't just disappear in the night.

Thank you.

The rent.

And thank you.

[HUMMING CHEERFUL TUNE]

Mm.

♪ For suddenly I saw you there ♪ ♪

Oh, no.

Oh...

Oh...

[HUMMING CHEERFUL TUNE]

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING ON ORGAN]

Carly?

- Aah!
- Oh, Bill! It's you.

I'm sorry.

You frightened me.

Well, I heard the organ.

- I'm sorry I disturbed you.
- No, not at all.

I'm sorry I disturbed you.
I just didn't know that you, uh, played.

Yes.

Please.

[SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES]

Gee, I used to play a little drums
when I was in college.

Maybe sometime we could...

You do this very often at night?

- No, not often.
- Mm-hm.

I wouldn't mind. I love organ music.

To me there's something about the tone
that's almost like the sound of eternity.

Yeah.

Do you know "My Funny Valentine"?

I'd better go upstairs now, Bill.

I was just saying goodbye
to an old friend.

- I'm sorry I woke you.
- Oh.

[♪♪♪]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

-Yes?
SECRETARY: Mr. Gridley is here, sir.

Tell him to wait a minute, please.

Um, people tend to freeze
when Scotland Yard's around.

I'd like to size up your man
without being observed,

If you don't mind, sir.

- Go into the conference room.
- Right.

- I'll turn on the intercom.
- Right.

Just push down the third key.

- You'll hear everything that's said.
- Third key.

- Sir?
- What?

Well, bring them along, lad.

Send Gridley in, please.

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Gridley.

I've been looking over Collins' report.

Tell me, Gridley, um, how's the food
at the Lamplighter these days?

Oh, excellent. What...?

You had dinner
with Mrs. Hardwicke, danced,

Had two bottles of champagne,

left the club at 11:42,
and walked all the way home.

Well, that's quite a thorough report.

Look, if I'm considered
some kind of a security risk...

- Sit down, please, Gridley.
- Yes, sir.

Uh, ahem, may I ask,

just how did you happen to pick
Number 33 Gray Square as your residence?

I answered Carly's...
Mrs. Hardwicke's ad in the paper.

Mrs. Hardwicke seems to have a penchant
for getting into the papers.

Look, I don't understand, sir.

Mm. Tell me,
what sort of woman do you find her?

And you can speak off the record,
if you like.

Well, this is for the record, sir.
I find her an absolutely heavenly woman.

Were you able to find out anything
about Mr. Hardwicke?

Yes, sir. They're separated.

- She told you that?
- Yes, Sir.

In my opinion, a divorce is imminent.

- She's going to divorce him?
- Yes, sir.

Don't you think
that would be adding insult to injury?

How's that?

Gridley...

Mrs. Hardwicke murdered her husband.

Well, that's certainly grounds for di...
She what?

I said that absolutely heavenly woman
killed her husband.

A sort of permanent trial separation.

That's impossible.

Mrs. Hardwicke has slipped lately,
getting into the want ads.

Six months ago
she made the front pages daily.

- Well, why isn't she under arrest?
- Because they haven't found the body.

- No case.
- There's no court case yet.

But as soon as they can locate
Mr. Hardwicke's remains,

Mrs. Hardwicke has a date
with the hangman.

But she didn't do it.

- You don't know the case.
- I know Carly Hardwicke.

- After one day?
- After one minute.

And I'm gonna know this case.

I'm gonna know everything about it,
and I'm gonna prove she didn't do it.

This young man could be useful to us,
sergeant.

- Thinking she's innocent, sir?
- Yeah, all to our advantage. Shh.

Has she done anything
since you've known her

that might cast the least bit
of suspicion on her?

Susp...

Absolutely not.

She's just been kind
and generous and warm.

That's beside the point.

Look, sir, if you knew her as I do,
you'd know she's not capable of...

Then why did she lie to you
about her husband?

Why? Because.

I don't know why. But if she did,
there must have been a reason.

Maybe she's assuming the guilt
to protect somebody else.

OLIPHANT [OVER INTERCOM]:
We thought of that. The question is who?

I don't know who. But it is a possibility.

OLIPHANT: True.
- You see”?

Are we on the air?

[DOOR OPENS]

This is Inspector Oliphant
of Scotland Yard.

Well, I wasn't aware
that the police were listening.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry about that,
but we had to check you out.

I'm delighted to have your help
on the case.

Help? I don't intend to help you
on this case.

Cooperation, Gridley.
You're a guest of the United Kingdom.

That's true, but I'm not a police spy.

No, no, no, Mr. Gridley,
let me put it this way.

Assuming Mrs. Hardwicke was not guilty,

There would be no problem,
provided we knew all the facts.

Every shred of evidence I can gather
is important to her.

Even something that seems damning
fitted into the overall picture

Might be just the clue
to prove her innocence.

Oh, I see.

You want me to snoop around

And report everything
that I find to you, huh?

If you want to help her, yes.

You work on the inside,
I'll work on the outside.

We'll make a good team.

Team? You wanna prove she did it,
I wanna prove she didn't.

No, no, no. You see,
you don't know Scotland Yard very well.

We consider it a higher duty to protect
the innocent than to convict the guilty.

- Oh, you do?
- Yes, of course.

But it is essential to provide
solid evidence to prove her innocence.

You're basing your opinion
of Mrs. Hardwicke

Purely on the superficial aspects
of the woman.

Mr. Gridley, um,
do you ever hear of Angela Crowley?

-Angela Crowley? No, I don't think...
-Ah, well, there you are, see?

Ah, ah, there you are, you see?

As beautiful as Mrs. Hardwicke, I daresay.

She slept in a coffin, Angela did,

and sent a goodly number of men to theirs
with cruel dispatch.

She was an excellent cook,

using the finest of spices
and the rarest of poisons.

Now, I believe that it was a tribute
to Angela's talents

That one of her victims,
after eating a poisoned kidney pie,

Asked for seconds.

It was the second one that did him in.

Would you say that it was interesting
that a few weeks ago,

Mrs. Hardwicke tried to collect
on her husband's life insurance?

It was pointed out to her, of course,
by the insurance people

That they'd need proof
of Mr. Hardwicke's death

Before they could honor the policy.

She probably needed the money.

Uh... True. True.

What makes her so sure that she could
already collect on his life, eh?

Eh?

- Did you know they fought a great deal?
- Well, every...

Every married couple quarrels.
Yes, I know that.

But their exchanges reached such heights
of intensity

that the police had to be summoned
on three separate occasions.

Well, that means nothing. It's...

There are two main causes
of marital squabbling,

Financial affairs
and extramarital affairs.

Now, Mrs. Hardwicke
is undeniably attractive.

She might have had a lover.

Furtive meetings with another man

who could have easily gone from paramour
to murder accomplice.

[STAMMERS]
Murd...

Look, inspector,
Carly Hardwicke is a decent and gentle...

Ah, gentle. Ah, you see?
Now, then, Molly Pasco was gentle.

She couldn't bear the thought
of hurting her husband with a divorce,

So Molly and her lover sealed up
Mr. Pasco alive behind a new brick wall.

Two weeks later she murdered her lover
and ran off with the brick salesman.

Well, I hate a fickle killer, don't you?

- Be serious, Gridley.
- I am being serious.

I fail to see, sir,

What these lethal ladies have to do
with Carly Hardwicke.

I am merely illustrating for you
the homicidal tendencies of the fair sex.

Females make not only loving wives
and devoted mothers,

But very efficient killers, bless them.

I find this strange talk,
coming from a man who says

That he is interested
in proving Mrs. Hardwicke's innocence.

- Come here. Come here.
- What?

You give me your help

and you'll find that I'm just as anxious
to prove it as you are.

- You've got my word on that.
- Yeah, well, I'll think about that.

- Gridley.
- Well, all right. I'll take your word.

I-
-Oh, good. Good. Good.

Now, here's my card, with my home number.
Just ring me any time of night or day.

Gridley, you must remember

That you're living
in a diplomatic goldfish bowl.

Your relationship with this woman
must not leak out.

I must ask you not to be seen in public
with her at any time whatsoever.

Now, here. Take these clippings,
go to your office and study...

No, don't use your office.
Go somewhere else. Read them in the park.

- Take the rest of the day off.
- Yes, sir.

Just a minute, Mr. Gridley.

Two things, if I may.
For as long as you can,

Try not to let Mrs. Hardwicke know
that you're aware of her situation.

Try to catch her off guard.

Well, I mean, you know,

there are ways of getting women
to reveal their innermost secrets.

I mean, the more, um, uh, familiar
you are with her,

The better the chances are
of getting her to the moment of truth.

- What are you getting at?
- Well, um, what's coming through?

You want me to be a male Mata Hari?

I'm a member of the State Department,
not the vice squad.

It's the method that counts.
If you get her to confess,

You'll have performed a great service
for your country.

Somehow I can't believe
America wants me to do this.

[AMBRUSTER CLEARS THROAT]

If you foul up, Gridley,

I'll have you back in the Sahara so fast,
you'll think London was only a mirage.

Well, in other words,
if she knows I know, I go.

That's exactly right.

And I hope you haven't taken
to talking in rhyme.

And do keep a sharp lookout
for your own personal safety.

I mean, whoever killed Mr. Hardwicke
might easily strike again, you know.

- I'll check all my kidney pies for poison.
- Odd you should mention that.

Mrs. Hardwicke purchased a large quantity
of arsenic early this morning.

[♪♪♪]

[SCOFFS]

[♪♪♪]

My mother says you're next.

Carly!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, yes, I got your message.

Well, you know I hate to,
but I'm afraid there's no other way out.

Well, I'd rather not do it tonight.

Yes, the man you saw me with last night.

Well, you're probably right,
of course. I-

It's best to just do it
and get it over with.

Oh, I'd say about 160 pounds.

The problem is getting it
out of the house.

You'd better send two men.

All right. Bye.

[♪♪♪]

Hi! Anybody home?

Hi?

I didn't expect you so early.

I guess you didn't. I mean, neither did I.

How did it go today?

Anything special happen?

[STAMMERS]
Special?

I mean, out of the way or unusual?

No, nothing. It's been pretty dull so far.

How about you?
Anything, uh, unusual happen?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, very.
I paid all my bills, thanks to you.

Aw.

And I'm gonna provide you
with dinner tonight, Mr. Gridley.

- And you can just take it easy and relax.
- Great.

Let's fix it together.

- I'm pretty handy around a kitchen.
- No, you don't. I'm a temperamental cook.

I can't stand anyone peering
over my shoulder.

Now, you get out
of that ambassador's uniform.

- Go on. I've got work to do.
- Okay.

Carly? If it's all right with you,

I really don't feel like anything
with sauces or gravy tonight.

Couldn't we just have something basic?

- What's the matter? Afraid of my cooking?
- No. No, nothing like that.

I just, uh, got a queasy stomach tonight.

Bill, are you sure
there's nothing on your mind?

No, no. Honestly.

No. It's just, um, nerves.
You know, first day at the office and all.

Good. Now will you please go up
and get comfortable?

And while you're changing,
I'll make a drink. Hurry up, now.

Oh, I've got a surprise for you.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

BILL: Carly?
- Out here, Bill.

Ready for your surprise?

- Do you notice anything?
- Not yet.

[BILL CHUCKLES]

Well, look.

- Oh, a barb... A barbecue!
- Mm.

- Is that the surprise?
- Well, it's part of it.

Oh.

Did you get that just for me?

No, I've had it a long time,
just never used it.

Why?

Well, Miles never cared for American food.

Huh?

He never liked anything
but Brussels sprouts,

Kippers or kidney pie.

Basic enough for you?

- Steaks. Perfect.
- Good.

Now, I'm not sure
just how to get the charcoal going.

Well, you use some kind of lighting fluid.

I think I can find something.

Drink your drink. It'll pick you up.

Oh...

[SCOFFS]

Ahh...

[♪♪♪]

My father says so too.

I think I found something.

I don't know what it's for,
but it says "highly flammable."

Yeah? Oh. Well, uh...

A barbecue. Uh, it's, uh...
It's, uh, nifty.

Uh, I didn't know you used these much
over here.

They don't.
I had to chase all over London for it.

- Look at the label. "Made in California."
- Oh.

- You haven't even touched your drink.
- No, I haven't, have I?

Here's to living every moment
to its fullest...

As if it's our last.

Too strong?

Hmm? Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Sure?

- Bill?
- Hmm?

Is there something wrong?

Bill, are you sure? What's the matter?

Nothing.

Nothing, ha-ha-ha. There's nothing in it.

Nothing to it. I mean, it...
No, it's great. It's...

- Let me fix it.
- No, no, please. No, it's grea... It...

It's wonderful. It's just... You... Ooh...

- Look, let's get the fire started.
- Right.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BILL SIGHS]

Maybe they think
we're burning state secrets.

Or little witches.

Bill! The awning!

BILL:
Well, the hose. Where's, uh...?

Turn on...

Ooh! Oh!

BILL: Get back!
- Over there!

Untangle that thing.

Will one of you people
please call the fire department?

Ooh! Oh!

[BELLS CLANGING]

CHIEF:
All right, clear the way.

Come on, step down.
Let the firemen in. All right.

All right, step back there,
clear the way, now.

Let the firemen in.

Thank heaven you got here. We...

CHIEF:
That'll do. Right-o, you blokes. Pack up.

It's all yours.
Gangway here, please. Thank you.

-All right, then, who lit the fire?
BILL: I did.

Well, sir, I'll have to have
the particulars for my report.

- Now, officer, is this really necessary?
- May I see some sort of identification?

- What?
- May I see some sort...?

- Sort of identification?
- Yes, sure.

- Diplomatic passport.
- Uh-huh.

- Mr. William Gridley.
- That's me.

United States Embassy.
Terribly sorry, sir.

- There'll be no need for a report.
- Of course.

I'll simply have a word with the sergeant.

Yeah, well, give him my best.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

I understand.
It's your duty and all of that.

OFFICER: Thank you, sir. Good night, sir.
- Good night.

Well, all things considered,
I'd say dinner was a roaring success.

It was a mess.

I'm sorry, Bill.
I was so looking forward to having a...

quiet and pleasant evening alone with you.

Dinner and all, and then later, I...

Well, later I planned on doing something
that I wanted to do

Since the moment you set foot
in this house.

Really?

- Now it's all spoiled. Yes, it is.
- No, not necessarily.

With the police coming and all, Bill.

Men in public office, they can't afford
to be involved in a scandal.

Well, they can
if the scandal looks like you.

- You're not listening to me.
- Huh?

You see, if your name should ever
be linked with mine, it would just...

If you're worried about the policeman,
it's all taken care of.

Diplomatic immunity.

You know, it saves you from everything
from parking tickets to murder.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Onh. It's for you, Bill.

- Me?
- Mm.

Hmm...

Hello? Mr. Ambruster?

Gridley, I want to see you right away.
Even sooner would be better.

Right awa...? Well, isn't that a lit...?

Isn't that a little irregular?

Oh, highly irregular.
But then, nothing's really been regular

Since you folded your tent
and dropped in on us, has it?

No, sir.

Gridley, I want you to meet me
at the Lion's Head Pub in Chelsea.

The embassy?

What are you talking about?
I said the Lion's Head Pub in Chelsea.

Oh, did you say "the embassy,"
because she's standing there?

Yes, sir. I didn't want to repeat
the address in front of her.

Well, if she's standing there,
why are you saying that?

She's not standing here.

Then, why are you whispering?
Oh, never mind, Gridley.

I think I'm beginning to see how
your mind works, and it frightens me.

I'm leaving right now,
and I expect you to do the same.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

- Oh, I beg your pardon. Yes.
- Whatever for?

-Oh. There you are, sir. Yes, sir.
AMBRUSTER: Gridley.

[DART THUDS]

When I instructed you
to keep your presence

in Mrs. Hardwicke's house
absolutely secret,

did you feel that you
could best carry out that order

by trying to set fire to London,

Coming within inches of being arrested

And having the whole story
appear in the papers?

-What do you mean...
-What are you drinking, love?

- What you drinking? With ice, of course.
- Scotch and water.

Yeah... No, no ice. No, forget the water.

[SCOFFS]

- In the papers?
- There were newspapermen present

when the policeman made out his report.

They did some additional checking
with your landlady's neighbors,

and gleefully pounded out the news
that Mrs. Hardwicke is living with a man.

Not just an ordinary man, mind you,
but a Mr. William Gridley,

U.S. State Department man,
and part-time firebug.

I apologize, sir,
but this was not Carly's fault.

Stop worrying about Mrs. Bluebeard.

- The story won't appear.
- What?

Inspector Oliphant informed me
of what was happening,

and I was able to kill it
before it ever hit print.

You killed the story in the...

- I'll have the same, please.
- Yes, sir.

How... How did you do it?

How? Gridley...

I have held my position here in London
for some years now.

And I'm proud to say that,
during that time,

I have been able to build up
enough influence,

so that when the occasion arises,

A few simple phone calls from me,
to the right people,

- and all is well again.
- Yes, sir.

Gridley, if that story had appeared,

You would have been in very deep trouble,
both here and in Washington.

And when one of my people is in trouble,
I am in trouble.

I want you to know

That I have no intention
of watching you go down the drain

And using my career as a raft.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.

Mr. Gridley is waiting.

-And the Russian embassy...
-Never mind about the Russians.

Mr. Gridley has become
much more of a menace.

Morning, sir.

- Have you seen this?
- Yes, sir.

Then tell me one good thing
about this morning,

Except that it's your last one in London.

My last one...! Now wait a minute, please.

Sir, it seems to me that, last night,

You were saying something about power
and influence

And simple phone calls that kill stories
in papers.

- Obviously, something went wrong.
- Obviously.

Don't let that give you any satisfaction,
Gridley. My error remains between us.

Yours is on the front page
of every newspaper in London.

By now, I assume,
Mrs. Hardwicke has read them.

And to quote you, Gridley,
she knows you know, so you go.

I'm sorry, my boy. In some peculiar way,
I like you, but you frustrate me.

I frustrate you? Oh, ho, ho!

Well, I think the answer
to our frustrations

Is that we be in different countries.

I pick England.
Now, let's see what we can find for you.

No. Sir, if I may,

I don't feel you're taking
the proper share of the blame.

If you'd killed the story as you said...

Gridley, you will learn
that the higher your position,

The more mistakes you're allowed.

In fact, if you make enough of them,
it's considered your style.

Now, you happen to be in what I would call
a one-mistake position,

and you've made it.

Now, let me see, Iceland, Auckland,
the Truk Islands...

Will you please reconsider?
Put yourself in my place.

I can't. I haven't picked it out yet.
Pakistan...

Aha!

Tierra del Fuego.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Tierra... Well, where's...

-Yes?
SECRETARY: Mrs. Hardwicke to see you, sir.

AMBRUSTER:
Ask her to wait, please.

Aha, so the little lady has come to ask
her embassy to run interference for her.

No, I don't think that.

I'm not particularly interested
in what you think, Gridley, but...

Just for kicks,
why do you suppose she's come?

To intercede for me.

Oh, my boy, my boy.
I mean, you've got a lot to learn.

I've had 20 years' experience

with every kind of incident
and many kinds of women.

And I take great pride in my ability

to see beneath the surface
of the most guileless female.

Now, in time,
you too may acquire that ability,

But just for now,
suppose you go to your office,

gather up your little bits and pieces.
It's a long way to Tierra del Fuego.

I'm not even sure that we have an outpost
in Tierra del...

- Now, if you will...
- Oh, you...

That door, if you don't mind.

Thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ask Mrs. Hardwicke to come in, please.

Mrs. Hardwicke, sir.

- How do you do? Won't you be seated?
- I prefer to stand, thank you.

What I have to say will take little of
your time. I realize how busy you are.

Not at all.

This is your embassy, Mrs. Hardwicke.
We're here to serve you.

Well, I'm not here to be served,

although I might have welcomed
that speech months ago

when I needed your help.
However, what I came to see...

Mrs. Hardwicke, uh, we will assist you
in any way we possibly can,

But we cannot act in what is not
in the best interest of Great Britain.

That could lead
to international complications.

I don't expect my country
to go to war for me.

But the fact remains, Mr. Ambruster,

That I've been hounded by the police,

Slandered by the press
and humiliated by my neighbors.

- I assume that you've seen the papers.
- They're burned in my brain.

Do sit down.

I've also been deprived of my passport,
so that I can't leave the country.

And if I might mention it,
accused of murder.

Mm...

Well, is there any one particular item
you wish to discuss?

Yes. I've been prevented
from getting a work permit.

Which, incidentally,
is why I had to take in a boarder.

Which brings us to Mr. Gridley.

Mm.

You mean Mr. Gridley and you.

No. I mean Mr. Gridley alone.

Oh. Won't you please sit down?

- Do you know him well?
- Not terribly.

Well, I think you should.
He's really a very rare person.

That I know.

And he wants so much
to do a good job in London.

Ooh?

Mr. Ambruster,
there is absolutely no truth

In what the press has inferred that we...

Well, that we had
some sort of an arrangement.

Of course not.

Why, he didn't even know about me.

I don't think it's fair for him
to be punished for something that...

That's not his fault. You see,
it was my fault for not telling him.

I was being selfish.

Actually, I was about to tell him
last night

When, well, when you called, and...

Well, I think that's all.
I do hope you treat him fairly.

I promise you that I'll do my part.

- Thank you for your time.
- Just a moment, please.

- If I may offer an opinion...
- I'm afraid I know your opinion of me.

No, no. You're a very
persuasive young woman.

Mr. Gridley is, indeed, fortunate
to have a champion like you.

And, you know, your photographs
don't really do you justice.

The lighting is not terribly good
in police stations.

Yes, I'm sure.
It strikes me that, perhaps, I have

Been a bit derelict, and I suddenly find
myself most eager to personally explore

this entire unfortunate situation
with you.

Now, if I may suggest...

There's a restaurant around the corner,

I thought perhaps we might just
slip over there,

Have a bite of lunch,
and talk about the whole thing.

You're not afraid of being seen
in public with me?

On the contrary, it'll be a relief to get
away from these constant interruptions.

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Then you're not going to send him away?

The thought never entered my mind.

[♪♪♪]

You have hazel eyes,
as guileless and innocent as a child's.

It's easy to understand
why he's so devoted to you.

[CHUCKLES]

In fact, if I were a younger man, I'd wish
I had answered your ad instead of Gridley.

[CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLING CHEERFUL TUNE]

Have a nice lunch, sir?

Perfectly charming.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, what did you have?

To tell you the truth, Gridley,
I was so involved with Mrs. Hardwicke,

That I can't remember what it was
or how it was.

Let me tell you something about that girl.

Oh, what... What are you going to tell me
about that girl, sir?

That she couldn't possibly have done it.

That's your discovery?

With you, it was an opinion.
With me, it's a conviction.

And let me tell you something else.
You don't have to leave London.

You're staying right here.

You and I are going through
the files of this case thoroughly.

- We've got to get Carly out of this mess.
- Yes, sir.

Spending a day in the country.

She would pick the day of the murder
to go off to the country.

With not one witness to back her up.
I still say this is our best bet.

Where is it? Where is it? "Bloodstains on
the carpet, one of his contact..." Yeah.

"The body was removed by car,

Indicating the victim was carried
from the cellar to the garage."

Now, that could not have been Carly,
because that man was a giant.

I tried his coat on. Where would she
get strength enough to carry him?

Good thinking, Gridley. Maybe it's what
led the inspector to believe

There might be an accomplice.

Now you've met her,
you realize how silly that is.

Certainly. The fact remains that part of
the crime had to be carried out by a man.

Yeah.

Man?

- Look.
- What?

[♪♪♪]

I forgot about him.
We bumped into him the night we went out.

- Who is he?
- She wouldn't tell me.

- I don't like this.
- Yes, sir. No, sir.

- Think you ought to follow him?
- Well, what do you think, sir?

In a minute, you won't be able
to find him.

Yes, sir.

I realize this looks bad for her,
but I'm not worried.

- Gridley.
- I've gone.

-All right, we can go home now.
DRIVER: Yes, sir.

No, wait.

- That'll be all for tonight, Brewster.
- Yes, Sir.

[♪♪♪]

[TRASHCAN RATTLES]

[GRIDLEY IMITATES CAT'S MEOW]

[♪♪♪]

- Move along, pussycat.
- I'm sorry. Carry on.

[DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES]

[DOG BARKING]

[♪♪♪]

WATCHMAN: Here, what do you think
you're doing down there?

Just window shopping.

Desecrating hallowed ground?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Gently, sir. I'm still warm.

[DOOR CLOSES]

May I help you, sir?

I'm sure Mrs. Hardwicke
would never have sold it,

If she hadn't been strapped for funds.

The money I gave her for it tonight
was only half its worth.

- It's beautiful, don't you think?
- It is.

Everything's beautiful when the truth
finally comes to you.

Do you mind if I use that
in my text next Sunday?

[DOOR OPENS]

GRIDLEY:
Carly!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

You needn't open them. Everything's there.

Well, Carly, what does this mean?
Why are my bags all packed? What is...

This is the two months' rent
I owe you, all of it.

Two... Well, wait a minute.

Carly, please, Carly.
Look, I don't understand this.

First you go see Ambruster on my behalf...

On your behalf? Look, Mr. Gridley,

I've got my own problems,
I don't need yours.

Now, if you'll just leave me alone,
I'll be fine.

I'm not going to leave you alone.

- Need somebody to take care of you.
- I can take care of myself.

Just worry about your precious career
and leave me alone.

Stop worrying about my precious career!

It probably wasn't sturdy to begin with.

- And I'm not leaving.
- Yes, you are.

Why do you want to stay here?
Don't you know?

- I murdered my husband.
- I don't care

- Whether you killed him or not.
- Well, I...

You don't?

No, I don't.

I knew about that
the day after I moved in here.

- You did?
- I did.

Then, why didn't you say something?

Well, I said
quite a few things at the time.

Among them that I adored you.

Well, maybe I didn't. I'll say it now.
I adore you.

If you killed three husbands,
I'd still love you.

Oh, Bill, you're a fool, an idiot.

Will you please get out of here?
I don't need you.

- You don't?
- No, I don't. I don't! I...

I love you.

I...

Bill, I didn't do it.

I know you didn't do it.

You couldn't kill a flea,
and Scotland Yard and the FBI

Together, couldn't convince me otherwise.

Darling, I love you and I believe in you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ambruster.

How do you know?

Because he's Mister Bad Timing.
Who else would call now?

- Aren't you going to answer it?
- Oh, didn't I?

- Oh, not yet.
- Okay.

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello?

Gridley, has she come back yet?

Yes, sir. And if you don't mind,
we'll talk about it in the morning.

Now, don't give me a hard time, Gridley.

You're talking to a man who has just
come back from the grave, literally.

Ever heard of Slaughterhouse Lane?
Well, after you left, I followed her.

A police record? Are you sure of that?
What kind of a shop was it?

Well, as far as I could make out,
I think it was a pawnshop.

Pawnshop?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

[STAMMERS]

She must have hocked something
so she could return my rent money to me.

Well, that's a relief.

Uh, what's the dope
on the character you followed?

Eh? Oh, the character turned out
to be a minister,

And let's hope I didn't upset his boss
by trailing him.

Gridley, we were right.
She couldn't possibly have done it.

That's exactly what I've been saying
all along.

There's still one nagging little detail,
though, that bothers me. The arsenic.

The arsenic. Well...

It's used for killing garden pests,
gentlemen.

Oh.

Yes, of course.

Of course.

Of course.

Good night, Mr. Ambruster.

Good night, Carly.

Good night, Bill.

Eh... Good night?

Are you still there, sir?

I'm hanging up
as soon as I get my foot out of my mouth.

Did I call at an inopportune moment again?

Most inopportune, sir.

Then you have my full permission
to hang up on me.

Thank you, sir.

[SCATTING]

Hmm.

[PHONE RINGING]

Inspector Oliphant here.

Oh, Gridley. Good man.
Are you on to something?

Yes. No. I called for ethical reasons.

What? Ethics at this time of night?

Inspector, I am resigning immediately.

I can't cooperate because
now I'm convinced that Carly's innocent.

If she's innocent, I'm just as anxious
to prove it as you are.

We've been all through that.
The statement's evasive, and you know it.

And I...

[LINE CLICKS]

Gridley?

[LINE CLICKS
AND SCUFFLING OVERHEAD]

Yeah?

[SCUFFLING CONTINUES]

[MAN GRUNTS]

Gridley?

Now, listen to me very carefully.

If Mrs. Hardwicke is there,

If she's there,
if she's holding a gun on you,

Say anything you like, but start
the next sentence with Mrs. Hardwicke.

Mrs. Hardwicke is not... Strike that.
Nobody's holding a gun on me.

Then why the sudden resignation
at this time?

What's going on in that house?

Well, nothing is going on in this...

-Would you hold...
MAN: Wait.

Just hold on for a moment.

[COUPLE ARGUING INAUDIBLY]

[VASE CRASHES]

[BODY THUMPING]

[GUNSHOT]

[♪♪♪]

Gridley? Gridley!

She was holding a gun on him.

[♪♪♪]

Dead?

A burglar?

My husband.

Sergeant Dillings, you were stationed
in front of the Hardwicke house

- On the night in question?
- Yes, sir.

Tell us what happened?

At approximately 11:00 p.m.,

I perceived a man entering the house
by letting himself in with a key.

He roughly answered the description

of who we believed to be
the late Mr. Miles Hardwicke,

And a little while later proved indeed
to be the late Mr. Hardwicke.

I went to a telephone booth
and put in a call to Inspector Oliphant.

I had some trouble getting through to him,
since his line was engaged.

But finally, he called me,
and as a result of his instructions,

I broke into the premises
and entered Mrs. Hardwicke's bedroom.

Please tell us what you saw
in the bedroom.

Mrs. Hardwicke and Mr. Gridley
standing together, and the body.

They were in their nightclothes.
All except the body.

You say standing together.

Exactly what do you mean?

They were very close,
with their arms around each other.

She had her head on his shoulder,
and the gun, which had just been fired,

In her left hand.

[GALLERY MURMURING]

I should like to ask Mrs. Miles Hardwicke
to take the stand.

Mrs. Miles Hardwicke.

I represent Mrs. Hardwicke, sir,

And she has informed me
that she does not wish to testify.

[MURMURING THEN GAVEL BANGS]

JUDGE: Does Mrs. Hardwicke realize
the gravity of that decision?

She is quite firm about it, sir.

JUDGE:
Would her counsel come to the bench?

[WHISPERS]
You're your only witness. You've got to.

Six months,
they haven't believed one word.

- Why should they... Why?
- Carly, you have got to.

[LOUDLY]
I need you.

- All right.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Sir.

Sir.

I apologize,
but Mrs. Hardwicke has changed her mind.

JUDGE:
Mrs. Hardwicke, tell us, if you will,

Exactly what happened
on the night in question.

My husband was shot.

Well, of that much we are certain.

Can you tell us how he came to be shot?

- Yes, I think so.
- Then, please do.

It was an accident.

Yes?

That's all. It was an accident.

Mrs. Hardwicke, you seem terribly shy
about details.

Couldn't we reconstruct the incident
a little more fully?

Perhaps I can help.

To begin with, exactly where were you
on or about 11:00 p.m.

On the date of the alleged shooting?

- In my room.
- And what were you doing?

Well...

I went to the window.
I wanted to draw the curtains.

[♪♪♪]

[YELPS]

Forgive me, my dear.

I hate to deprive you
of the pleasure of screaming,

But unfortunately, I can't take the risk.

[GASPS]

Not the usual entrance for a husband
into his wife's bedroom,

Is it, dear heart?

But then I'm a most unusual husband.

Aren't I, Carly?
Dead one minute and here the next.

Now, do you think you've got over
your desire to scream?

Good.

Well, aren't you going
to kiss your husband?

Aren't you gonna tell him
how you've missed him?

What kind of game is this?

- Game?
- Letting everyone think you're dead.

Oh, it was no game, dear heart.

You see, one of us
had to be accused of murder,

So it made my choice comparatively simple,
didn't it?

You'!

I suppose you have wondered
where I've been all these months.

Well, I've been on the run.

You see, I did a little flying
for a certain employer of mine,

And I seem to recall
I was rather drunk at the time

and stole some valuable cargo from him.

Needless to say, he was most annoyed,

And sent a messenger
to retrieve what was rightfully his,

And also to kill me.

Presumably, I suppose, as a warning
never to do it again.

Well, fortunately, well, for me, that is,
the assassin was most inept.

And I was able
to assassinate the assassin.

And that's why I've been in hiding, Carly,
both from friends and police alike.

Well, now that you've heard
my enchanting little bedtime story...

- Why did you come back here, Miles?
- For money.

Enough to get out of the country.
But first...

Well, it has been six months,
hasn't it, Carly?

Tell me, haven't you missed
the more pleasant aspects of marriage?

- No more than I missed them when together.
- Come off it.

- You're hurting me.
- I meant to.

I think I like you better
when you're frightened.

Let go of me, Miles.

Struggling, you know, only makes it
all the more enticing.

[GASPS]

[MILES GRUNTS]

I think we can well do without a visit
from the polizia on my first night home.

And you, my precious?

Mrs. Hardwicke,
do you feel able to continue?

Now, then, Mrs. Hardwicke...

That's all.

That's all? That is the balance
of your testimony?

Yes.

But, Mrs. Hardwicke,
what of the shooting itself?

Well...

He came at me,
insisting that I give him money,

even though I told him I didn't have any.

And I tried to get the gun
away from him...

And it went off.

That's all, Mrs. Hardwicke?

That's all.

Oh...

[MURMURING]

I have here a police report stating
that subsequent to your renting the flat,

You took Mrs. Hardwicke
dining and dancing.

Well, why not say
dining, dancing and drinking?

That makes it sound worse.

There's also a slightly confusing report

Of an evening that you
and Mrs. Hardwicke spent together

During which, uh, a fire brigade
was summoned.

We were merely having dinner
in the garden.

While the house was on fire?

Well, we were going to have dinner
by candlelight,

And then we decided to do it real big!

Mm... I think perhaps I'll ask
for police clarification of this incident.

Now, when Sergeant Dillings arrived
in the bedroom,

according to his testimony,
you had your arms around Mrs. Hardwicke.

Look, sir, you've been asking
an awful lot of questions

About my dancing with Mrs. Hardwicke,

Dining with her,
having my arms around her.

Now, exactly what are you getting at?

If there was something more
in the relationship

Between yourself and Mrs. Hardwicke

than that of tenant and landlady,
then it is my duty to establish it.

Well, then, why don't you come right out
with it? Ask me if I'm in love with her.

Frankly, I didn't want to put it
so bluntly.

Correct, because it's hardly a question
you would ask a gentlemen to answer.

And if you think that is why
she killed him, you're...

Ignore that!

Mr. Gridley, I advise you to take
these proceedings a little more seriously.

After all, you were at the scene of the
alleged crime when the police arrived.

Exactly.

And as a matter of fact,
it hasn't been established

Whether or not I participated
in the alleged crime.

Well, sir, did you participate?

I don't remember.

Now, Mrs. Hardwicke has stated
quite clearly

That you were not in the room
at the time.

She may have been lying to protect me.

How do you know that I wasn't in
on the struggle

For the gun with the jealous husband?

Huh?

Let's just sit back and ponder that,
shall we?

[GALLERY CLAMORING]

He's behaving like a maniac.
Trying to take the blame.

Yeah. If he keeps it up,
he's going to get himself hanged.

- Hanged? We can't allow that.
- No.

I don't think it will come to that.
Hang on.

I wish to correct the impression
Mr. Gridley might have created

By implying that he was somehow connected
with the shooting of Mr. Hardwicke.

If you would, inspector.

Sergeant Dillings has testified

that he was unable to reach me
on the phone, my line being engaged.

I was, at the time,
speaking to Mr. Gridley,

Who had called me
from the Hardwicke house.

Now, since I had him in conversation
at the precise moment the shot was fired,

I can state without reservation that he
was neither a party to the struggle,

nor the shooting.

May I ask, inspector, how it happened

that you were talking with Mr. Gridley
on the telephone at 11:00 p.m.?

Uh, yes, sir. The day after he moved
into Mrs. Hardwicke's house,

Mr. Gridley, at my request,

and with the kind cooperation

Of Mr. Franklyn Ambruster
of the American Embassy,

Started acting as undercover agent
for Scotland Yard.

[♪♪♪]

[CLAMORING]

WOMAN:
Might I say something, please?

JUDGE: Madam, we are trying
to conduct a proper inquest.

I have something to tell the court.

Oh, well, ask her to step this way.

[MURMURING]

BAILIFF: Do you solemnly swear that
the evidence you give before this court

Shall be the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

WOMAN:
I do.

Will you state your name
and residence, please?

Mrs. Agatha Brown. The Marston Hotel.

At the time of the alleged unfortunate
incident, I resided at 35 Gray Square.

You have information
pertinent to this inquiry?

I saw that it was an accident,
if that is pertinent, sir.

You say you saw the incident?

The window at number 35 looks directly
into Mrs. Hardwicke's bedroom.

It was what I heard first
that made me look. They were arguing,

and knowing that
Mr. Hardwicke was missing

And the other gentleman
was living with her,

- naturally, I was interested.
- Naturally.

Well, I saw Mrs. Hardwicke
backing toward the window

And there was Mr. Hardwicke
coming after her with a gun in his hand.

He grabbed her and twisted her wrist.

They struggled. She tried to stop him.

The gun went off,

and Mr. Hardwicke just stood there
for a moment

With a surprised look on his face,

And then he fell.

And then the other gentleman came in.

Mrs. Brown, why did you withhold
this information until now?

I was afraid.
I didn't want to get mixed up in anything.

It wasn't until I saw how badly
things were going for poor Mrs. Hardwicke

That I knew I had to speak.

The poor dear was only trying
to protect herself.

There was no murder. It was nothing more
than a terrible accident.

[GALLERY CLAMORING]

JUDGE:
Order! Order!

Order! Order!

[GAVEL POUNDING]

BILL:
Carly!

REPORTER:
How about a statement, Mrs. Hardwicke?

BILL:
Carly!

Excuse me. Carly, I've got to talk to you.

-Would you tell our television...
-I've nothing to say.

She has nothing to say.

- Why don't you switch to another channel?
- Please, sir.

Mr. Gridley, you have exactly a half-hour
to get out of my house.

- Out of your house?
- Gridley.

If you don't get rid of that...

Gridley, speaking not as a man, but as
a member of the United States government,

You have exactly one hour
to get your things out of that house.

That's wrong, sir. I have a half an hour.
She just threw me out.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪♪♪]

Just come in, my dear.

I believe we have a matter of importance
to discuss.

Thirty-three Gray Square.

AGATHA:
A marvelous thing, gratitude,

And yet how little one sees of it
these days.

It was kind and grateful of you
to give me this, my dear.

But then, I'm terribly grateful to you

For leaving that one little detail out
of your story.

Amazing, isn't it, how it's assured me
a life of comfort and security?

Why don't you nap till I come back, dear?

This has been a trying day for you,
I'm sure.

When I come back, I'll fix you a nice
hot tub, and then we'll have dinner.

I think I'll have the ground floor
done over for myself.

I don't much care for stairs at my age.

Yes, we must do that.

It will be much better,
my living with you,

Rather than that dreadful husband
or Mr. Gridley.

At least, my dear,
I am a friend who won't betray you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

BILL:
Carly!

Carly!

Now, what was that all about?
What was she doing here?

Are you still working for Scotland Yard

Or are you doing your snooping
on your own now?

Look, I never worked against you.
You must believe that.

I only believe that I can't believe
in anyone ever again.

Did my testimony sound like
I was trying to prove you guilty?

Carly!

Look, Carly!

You've got to tell me what's going on.

Look, Carly, what's all this about
Mrs. Brown moving in here? Where are you?

Look, Carly... Dear, believe me,
I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or us,

But I cannot help you
unless you tell me everything.

[WATER RUNNING]

Carly?

Answer me.

Are you all right?

Carly, open the door.

Darling, please.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a bath.

Well, could you explain
why you're taking a bath

At a time like this?

Because I feel dirty.

Oh, Carly.

Will you put that gun down
and get out of here?

No, I won't get out of here
until you tell me what's going on,

and what Mrs. Brown meant by one
little detail you left out of your story!

Carly, if you don't turn off the water,

I'm gonna go downstairs,
and I'm going to smash all the pipes!

Carly! So help me!

Now...

I want to know what Mrs. Brown's
involvement is in all of this

And I am not going to move one inch
until I find out!

You nut! Can't you tell that
I'm trying to help you?

She wanted the pawn ticket.

Well, why couldn't you...

What pawn ticket?

The one my husband was going
to kill me to get.

I don't understand.

Come on!

All right.

At the Inquest... I lied.

Well, at least,
I didn't tell the whole truth.

It was true that he wanted money,
and he did come at me with a gun.

But what I didn't tell them was that he...

All right, Carly, we'll stick to business.
Where is it?

Where's what?

Don't play dumb with me.

I'm talking about the candelabra,
the one that's missing from the parlor.

The can...

Well, I pawned it.

You did what?

I pawned it. I needed £40.

- You hocked it for 40 quid?
- Well...

Didn't you know there were jewels stuffed
in that candelabra worth half a million?

- What?
- When did you pawn it?

Just tonight.

All right, Carly, give me the ticket.

- I said, give me the ticket.
- I don't have it.

- What do you mean, you don't have it?
- I don't know where it is.

I've got to find that pawn ticket.
I've got to have it.

Get away from that window.

[VASE CRASHES]

It's an odd thing about killing,

but ever since the first, I've been rather
looking forward to the second.

Now, give me that ticket, or I'll...

[GUNSHOT]

[♪♪♪]

I was just plain scared.

You see, I was afraid that if I mentioned
the jewels,

They'd think somehow I was involved
in his illegal activities.

And I didn't want his friends
dropping in on me, either.

I just wanted to forget about the jewels
and the candelabra.

-I wanted to tear up the pawn ticket and...
-Only now it's in Mrs. Brown's purse.

She's blackmailing me.

Well, Carly, we've got to go
to the police.

And admit I didn't tell the whole truth?

I thought I was in trouble before,
but now I've really fixed things.

- Carly, there's no other choice... Huh?
- Bill.

Standing here at the window,
I just remembered something.

- What?
- That night,

I broke away from him and I ran
to the window to yell for help.

Yeah?

And I saw Mrs. Brown
coming down the street.

-The street? She said...
-By the time she reached her house

and got up the stairs,
the whole thing was over.

Bill, she never saw it at all.
She couldn't have.

Then how would she know what had happened?

How did she hear about the candelabra

-or the pawn...
-Mrs. Dunhill.

She must have seen it and told her.

Well, let's pay a visit to Mrs. Dunhill.

- She moved the day after the shooting.
- She moved? Where?

Mrs. Brown must know.

- Maybe we can catch her at the pawnshop.
- Wait a minute.

Don't you think that you'd better, uh...

- Change?
- Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs.

Okay. Yeah, I'll get a cab.

BILL:
Better wait.

The pawnbroker?

Dead?

Looks like he knew
what was inside of this thing.

He wasn't too anxious
to redeem the pawn ticket.

- So Mrs. Brown...
- Yeah.

It's a cinch she won't go back
to the house now.

CARLY:
But how will we find Mrs. Dunhill?

BILL: Next door, her house.
She must have left a forwarding address.

Let's go.

Back to Gray Square.

Wait.

How do you do?
The seance starts in half an hour.

- Won't you come in, please?
- That's not why we came, but thank you.

The woman that lived here before you,
did she leave an address?

BILL:
Mrs. Dunhill.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

Paddington Station.

[POLICE ALARM RINGING]

Inspector.

Are they in?

I don't think so.
I was going to pick up... Why?

Both Gridley and Hardwicke were spotted
leaving the scene of a murder.

Is this a new murder
or one I already know about?

No, sir, a pawnbroker
in Slaughterhouse Lane.

Gridley couldn't have done that.

Maybe not, sir, but the death rate
has gone up since he arrived in London.

- I'll have to pick them up.
- Wait. Look, inspector.

Oliphant?

This is Inspector Oliphant.
This is an all-points bulletin.

Pay special attention to all airports
and railway stations.

Arrest on sight on suspicion of murder,

Mrs. Miles Hardwicke
and Mr. William Gridley, both Americans.

Mrs. Hardwicke's description
is as follows:

Height approximately 5'5",
complexion fair,

-Eyes brown, speaks...
-Hazel.

Eyes hazel.

She's quite attractive,
as a matter of fact.

- When is the next train to Penzance?
- That train is on Platform 6 right now.

- What time does it leave?
- Five minutes ago.

Two tickets, please.

- Single or return?
- Return.

How far from the Penzance Station
is the Hotel Wessex?

- Just a short cab drive, madam.
- Yeah... How much?

That'll be £16, eight shillings, sir.

If you're thinking of it
for a holiday, sir,

The Wessex caters to elderly people.

Yes, we know. Thank you.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Hazel eyes, yeah, yeah.

Both Americans. Yes, sir.
I'll keep a sharp lookout.

[♪♪♪]

- Bill...
- Hm?

What if Mrs. Dunhill won't come back
to testify for me?

Mrs. Brown says she has a bad heart.

Maybe she'll be too sick.

Yeah, well, we'll drag everybody down
to Penzance and make her testify there.

It's been done before.

- You know something?
- Hm?

I do need you.

I wonder who Mrs. Brown
is killing right now?

If she has any sense, she's hiding.

[♪♪♪]

I'll be right back.

Wait, wait, wait...

[♪♪♪]

OLIPHANT:
I see.

I see. Well, no one at all.

I said, no one at all.

Oh.

Yeah, well, Dillings, stay with it.

Stay with it.

What's the word?

Well, no one has entered or even
approached the house all night.

- Did you sleep well, sir?
- I had a marvelous dream.

I was in the shooting gallery
and every target had Gridley's face on it.

- He has been a bit of a trial, hasn't he?
- A bit?

[PHONE RINGS]

Inspector Oliphant speaking.

They have? Where?

- Gridley?
- Now, listen.

They're to be arrested the instant
the train arrives and returned to London.

- Now, inspector, look...
- Well, now,

They were identified at Bristol
Railway Station during a stop.

For some unknown reason,
they're headed for Penzance.

Inspector, you can't arrest them.

You have no idea what the repercussions
would be. Washington will throw a fit.

- I'm afraid I can't let that concern me.
- If I can just speak to him first.

Inspector, I gave you Gridley
when you needed him.

I ask you to give him to me
for just five minutes.

I appeal to you with every one
of my exposed nerve ends.

Mr. Ambruster, sir, look,
I'd like to be able to help you,

But it's hours from here to Penzance.

If we should lose them there...

- May I use your phone?
- Yes, certainly, of course.

- We can be there in no time.
- Yes? How?

Inspector, have you noticed
that the emblem

Over the American embassy is an eagle?

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

[BAND PLAYING FESTIVE MUSIC]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[BAND PLAYING GILBERT AND SULLIVAN'S
"THE MAJOR-GENERAL'S SONG"]

[BAND PLAYING GILBERT AND SULLIVAN'S
"POOR WAND'RING ONE"]

What are you doing, Mrs. Brown?

I was lonesome for you, my dear.
I thought we might have a little chat.

I don't want to chat. Take me back
before I miss The Mikado.

But first, we'll have a little ride
along the cliffs.

[BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I insist that you tell me
what you're up to.

Well, of course, my dear.

Remember when we decided
that I should go to the police

To tell them about that terrible accident
you saw

to save you the ordeal
of an investigation?

That was your idea.
You knew my heart condition.

Well, since then,
a great deal has happened.

I can either go to prison,
or to the gallows,

or spend the rest of my life in luxury.

I prefer the latter, and I want
to make sure you won't spoil it.

How could I spoil it?

[AGATHA LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Whee!

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[♪♪♪]

Gridley, if there is an explanation
for this astounding exhibit,

You'll never find a more willing audience.

Mrs. Brown tried to kill me.

- See, Mrs. Dunhill saw the shooting.
- It was self-defense.

- He had a gun. I saw the whole thing.
- She was blackmailing me.

After she perjured herself
at the inquest...

- I didn't mention the candelabra.
- She didn't tell anyone.

- I was afraid if I told the police...
-You poor child.

I shot my way into her
bathroom to find it out.

You see? These jewels,
they were in her purse.

- She killed the pawnbroker...
- She tried to kill Mrs. Dunhill,

- Just to keep her from telling the truth.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Is that clear to you, inspector?

Um...

Probably.

Of course it's clear.
Wraps the whole thing up, doesn't it?

Now, Gridley, it's been said
that there will always be an England,

And I'd like to do my part
to keep it that way.

How would you like an assignment
back in the States?

Oh, would 1?

Would 1?

We would.

Done.

I'm going to miss you both.

Mrs. Hardwicke,

I promised myself something
the first day we met,

And I've never been one to go back
on a promise.

Gridley, I do hope your life
from here on in proves less hectic.

Yes, so do I.

- Good luck, old boy.
- Thank you, sir.

Oh. Right.

- Thank you, sir.
- Oh, no!

No!

[♪♪♪]

[BAND PLAYING FINALE]

[APPLAUSE]