All language subtitles for Sweet.Charity.1969.720p.HDTV.DD5.1

Oh, Charlie, I'm on time, right?

Wrong. You know what I did today?
I looked at furniture.

At couches that turn into beds
and chairs that turn into beds
and lamps that turn into beds.

And then, you know, I went
to look at wedding rings. And
then... look. For my trousseau.

And you know, Charlie,
that's not all I did today.

I went to the bank, you know?
And I took every last cent I own...

All $427.

So now we can put
a down payment on something.

Oh, Charlie, it's such
a great world, isn't it?

Oh, Charlie, it's such
a great world, isn't it?

Today I feel New York is
really my personal property

Right down Broadway
to City Hall

Every supermarket
every five and ten

All of Lincoln Center
and the great U.N.

They're all my personal property

The zoo in Central Park is
merely my private menagerie

I've carved my name on every tree

From Yonkers Raceway
to Bowling Green

I own everything around
and in between

It's all my personal property

The planetarium is mine alone

The old aquarium I also own

And since I feel today New York
is really my personal property

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do

Since I like you very much

So very, very much

I'm gonna split it with you

With you

With you

With you

With you

Hey, Charlie, you know,
this is my own personal,
private wishing well.

Hey! Let's make a wish...

and then throw somethin' in
after for luck.

Since I like you very much

So very, very much

I'm gonna give it

To...

I wish...

Oh! Help!

Help! I can't...
I can't swim!

Help! I can't...

Help! I can't...
I can't swim! Help me!

Look, Walter. There's
a girl in there drowning.
Don't look, dear.

But, Walter!
Don't look, I tell you.

Don't get involved.
It's none of our business.

Oh!

Oh, God.

Here, help! Somebody help!
Somebody grab her ankles.

She looks dead.
Doesn't she look dead to you?

I don't know.
I've never seen her before.

Shake her well 'til
the water is out.
She's coming to.

Oh, my God! I'm in Australia!
Put me down!

Put me down!

What do you think you're doing?
Go away! Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!
Take it easy, honey.
You almost drowned.

- Charlie. Where's Charlie?
- I bet she tried to knock herself off.

Apparently over
a fellow named Charlie.

Who took my shoe?
Where's my shoe?

Well, don't stare at me.
Don't stare at me.
Please leave me alone.

Please leave me alone!

Come on, everybody!
Let's all go home! Break it up!
Move it back.

Charlie! Why did you
do it, Charlie?

The aquacade is all over.
Hey, be careful.
She's a crazy lady.

Let's go now.
Come on.
Hey, you all right, miss?

I'm fine.
I'm just fine.

Just put it down in your book.
The crazy, drowned lady feels fine.

All right, miss. Would you care to
tell us what happened?

I lost my shoe.
That's what happened.

Hey, Monte, look for
her other shoe, will you?

Yeah, Monte, look for
her other shoe.

What's it look like?
It looks like that one.

What does it look like.
All right, miss.
What's your name?

Charity.

Charity Hope Valentine.

Charity Hope Valentine?

Just write it.
Just...
Here it is. I found it.

Address?

615 West 44th Street.

Occupation?
Social consultant.

Where?
The Fandango Ballroom.

Dance hall hostess.

Oh, you mean you work in
one of those tango palaces.

It's temporary.
Length of employment?

Eight years.
Suppose you tell me what
you were doin' in the water.

Oh, well, my fiancé,
Charlie... Well, he's not
exactly my fiancé exactly,

but we are engaged
to be wed the minute
his own marriage breaks up.

Anyway, we had this rendezvous
to meet in the park,

and, uh, I was
just about to make a wish
by throwin' in this penny...

when... I don't know...
I guess I must have
slipped or somethin'...

'cause I lost my balance,
and anyway, naturally
he made a grab for me,

and all he caught
was my handbag, and I fell in.

That's what happened.
Yeah, sure. Right.

Where's my hair spray?
Well, see, he couldn't
jump in after me...

'cause of his
bad back, you know.

Anyway, so he ran off
to get help.

Where'd he go?
The coast guard station
in Norfolk, Virginia?

Come on, honey. Didn't you
leave one tiny little detail
out of that story?

- Like what?
- Like there ain't
one word of truth in it?

Hello, men.

Hey, Nickie, did you hear about
Charity and her boyfriend?

You're gonna get married.
Oh, all the luck in the world, baby.

He stole her money
and pushed her in the lake.

He wasn't for you.
Excuse me, ladies.

Prince Phillip
just walked in,

so park the gum behind your ears
and drag it out on the floor.

Doesn't he ever knock?
It's a good thing
we're decent.

He's gonna call.
Who?

Charlie. He's gonna call.
Any minute, he's gonna call,

and he's gonna have a very
perfectly logical explanation
for this whole thing.

What did I tell ya?

Charlie!

It's for you.
Yeah?

You know what your big problem is?
You run your heart like a hotel.

You got guys checkin' in
and out all the time.

And you always
get stuck with the bill.

This time it's different.
He loves me.

I mean, when somebody has
their name tattooed on your arm
so it'll be there forever,

does that sound like the sort
of fella who's gonna push you in
the lake for 427 measly bucks?

Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Right.

- Where's my hair spray?
- Forget him, baby.
We got a livin' to make.

If you call this
a living.

He's gonna call.
You'll see.

Sure.

Since I like you
very much

So very, very much

I'm...

Oh, Charlie.

Hey, mister, can I talk
to you for a minute?
Got a cigarette for me, mister?

Hey, mister,
you speak Spanish?
Hey, tiger, you wanna dance?

A little dance won't hurt you.
Come here, cowboy.
Wanna tell you somethin'.

Moshi, moshi, e'kaga
desu-ka, baby?
Ooh, you're so tall.

Let's have some fun.

Pssss.

The minute you walked
in the joint

I could see you were
a man of distinction

A real big spender

Good lookin'

So refined

Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's goin' on in my mind

So let me get right
To the point

I don't pop my cork

For every guy I see

Hey, big spender

Spend

A little time with

Me

Me

Do you wanna have fun

Psssss.

How's about a few

Laughs

I can show you a

Good time

Do you wanna have fun

Fun, fun

How's about a few
Fun

Laughs, laughs, laughs
Fun, fun, fun

- I can show you a
- Laughs, laughs
- Good time

- Fun
- Laughs
- Good time

- Fun
- Laughs
- Good time

Fun, laughs, good time

Pssss.

What do you say to a...
How's about a...

Laugh
I could give you some...

Are you ready
for some...
Fun

How would you like a...
Let me show you a...

Good time
Hey, big spender

Hey, big spender

The minute you walked
in the joint

I could see you were
a man of distinction

A real big spender

Good lookin'

So refined

Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's goin' on in my mind

So let me get right
To the point

I don't pop my cork

For every guy I see

Hey, big spender

Hey, big spender

Hey, big spender

Spend

A little time with

Me

Fun, laughs, good time

Fun, laughs, good time

Fun, laughs, good time

How's about it, palsie?

Yeah!

Hey, Herman.
Huh?

Anybody been
askin' for me?
Uh-uh.

Face it, honey. Charlie the pusher
ain't comin' anymore.

Gee, what's the matter
with me? What am I?

Ooh, boy, am I stupid.
Boy, am I a pushover.

No, not a pushover exactly.
It's just that you're too...

Well, I don't know.
You just keep on...

Yeah, you're a pushover.
If he stole your purse, why
don't you call the cops?

They can always pick him up.
Girl, do you know how many guys
are runnin' around this city...

carryin' pocketbooks?

Why'd he do it?
Everything he ever
wanted, I bought him:

$11 shirts,
$79 Italian silk suits.

What'd I do wrong?

I'd even get up
in the middle of the night and
buy him his meatball sandwiches.

Boy, did he love
those meatball sandwiches.

Well, I have had it
up to here with that creep.

Go, baby, go.
Now you're talkin'.

He can go slip and slide his greasy head
on somebody else's shoulder.

I'm finished!
I'm through, do you hear me?

I'm tired of buyin' him
pointed shoes...

and his trips to Florida
and his three-horse parlays.

Think he is,
shovin' girls into lakes?

Oh, boy, am I through givin'.

Ooh, I hope your
tight Italian pants
choke you to death.

Get me a taxi!

Ursula, stop acting
like a child.

Vittorio Vitale!

Hey! That's Vittorio Vitale,
the Italian movie star!

Ursula, I can
explain everything.

Don't touch me.
We're through.

I hate you. Do you hear me?
I hate you.

- She really knows him!
- Ursula, I merely said hello
to that girl. Hello!

That's all!
I do not want
to discuss it.

Now you can't walk out
on me like this.

I can't?
Well, just watch me.

Just watch me.
Watch! Watch!
You're not watching.

Where's my taxi?
Taxi!

Taxi!

You are coming
back inside.
I am not!

Oh, yes, you are.
No, I'm not!

Yes, you are.
Ow!

Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula!

Oh, scusi, signorina.
Scusi.

My pleasure.

Are you busy tonight?

Hey, he wants to know
if you're busy tonight.

No, you.

- Yes, you.
- Me?

- Are you busy tonight?
- What time?

Right now.
Right now is
very good for me.

Get in.

I'm with him.

Oh, that girl.
She's driving me crazy.

These wild fits of jealousy.
I can't stand it any longer.
She's impossible.

That was my first impression.
Childish, neurotic,
selfish.

That was my
second impression.

Well, it's finished.

She's just not worth it.

Well, on the other hand,
you know, she's not so bad
in the looks department.

Ah, yes.
Yes, you're right.

She is very beautiful.
Well, I mean, if you go
for that sort of thing.

No, you are right.
You are absolutely right.

She is... gorgeous.

I think I just
screwed myself up.

Um, uh, I'm with him.

- Who's that with Vittorio?
- She doesn't look familiar.

- Who can she be?
- What happened to Ursula?

- Who is it?
- Who is it?
- Who is it?

- Who is it?
- Who is it?
- Who is it?

- Who is it?
- Who is it?

It's me.

It's me.

Wow! This place sure is
crawlin' with celebrities.

I'm the only person here
I never heard of.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ooh
Yeah, yeah

Ooh
Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah

- Oh
- Oh

- Yeah
- Yeah

- Oh, oh
- Yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah

Oh
Oh

Give me yeah
Yeah

Oh
yeah
Oh
yeah

Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah

Excuse me, Signor Vitale.
There is a phone call.

It's Ursula.
Look how she knows me.

No matter where I go,
she knows how to find me.

Well, I know her too.
She'll cry and plead with me
to come to her apartment.

What should I do?
Be magnanimous and
forgive her...

or be aloof?

Aloof sounds good.
You think so?

The aloofer the better.

I am not here.
Now I really feel great.

I could eat a horse.
I was only kidding.

Now we dance.
Yeah, I wasn't
hungry anyway.

Oh!
Oh, damn it.

I'm so sorry.
Really I am.
It's all right.

It's all right.

Where are we?
My place.
Come on.

Your place?
Hey, wait. Just a second.

Get in the car,
get out of the car,
go here, go there.

You think you can just
your place and, uh, any
time you feel like it, huh?

- Coming?
- Yeah.

Good evening, sir.
I'm with him.

Oh.

Thank you.

Were there
any calls, Manfred?
None, sir.

No calls?
Are you sure?
None, sir.

Positive, sir.
Well, if there are any,
I am not in.

Yes, sir.
And bring us
a cold supper.

Very good, sir.

What did you say
your name was?

Charity.
Charity Hope Valentine.

Do you like Brahms?

Huh?
The music.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

It's got a...
It's got a great beat.

Leave it.
Well, it'll get all...

Leave it!

Uh, sit down.

Uh, talk to me.
Tell me what you do.

Oh, that'd just be
a waste of time.

Why?
'Cause I'd lie.

Why should you lie?

Because I really want to
make an impression on you,
and if I told you the truth,

what I really did,
you wouldn't be impressed.

Let me be the judge of that.
What do you do?

Um...
I'm a dance hall hostess.

You what?

- I'm a dance hall hostess.
- Oh.

There, you see?
You should've let me lie.

I was gonna be an
assistant dental technician.

Well, that doesn't sound
very impressive.

It does to
a dance hall hostess.

Champagne?

Well, I don't mind
if I do.

Why did you ever
take a job like that?

I don't know.
Fickle finger
of fate, I guess.

What?
Fickle finger of fate.

Don't you know
what that means?
Yes, I think so.

Well, I don't.
Not really.

But see, these things
always seem to happen to me,
and I never know why or how.

And people are always comin'
up to me askin', "Why did
you take up with that guy?"

Or "How come you
wound up in that joint?"

And I always felt so dumb
sayin', "I don't know."

But it was the truth.
I don't.

I guess you're supposed
to know why you do things or
how come you wind up places.

Anyway, now
whenever anybody says,
"why?" or "how?" to me,

I just say, "Fickle
finger of fate," and then
I don't feel so dumb.

I think you just
like saying it.

I think you're right.

Fickle finger of fate.
There, you see?

Fickle finger of fate.

Fickle finger of fate.
Fickle finger of fate.
Fickle finger of fate.

Fickle finger of fate.
You wanna try?

Mm-mmm.
Oh, it feels good.
Really it does.

It cools the mouth.
Oh, try it just once.
Fickle finger of fate.

Say it.
Just once.
No, no.

All right.

Fickle finger of fate.
That's very nice.
You like it?

It does cool the mouth.
Oh, I got lots of phrases
I like to say.

Like if some wisenheimer down
at the Fandango says somethin'
dirty to me sometime...

or somethin' fresh
and I can't think
fast enough to answer,

I like to say, "Up yours."

You do?

Oh, yeah, that really works.
It fits just about any situation.

Oh, yeah, that really works.
It fits just about any situation.

But I wouldn't say it
to anyone as refined as yourself.

But I can say
"fickle finger of fate," can't I?

You certainly can.
You have a nice laugh.

Ahem. You have
a nice everything.

What shall we drink to?

Huh?
Oh, I know, I know.

To the fickle finger...
Finger of fate.

Bottoms up.
Up yours.

Oh! Pow!

It just slipped out.

You're marvelous.
Really marvelous.

I am?
Mmm.

Wow. That is really somethin'
comin' from the Vittorio Vitale.

What makes you think
the Vittorio Vitale
is anything special?

Are you kidding?
Haven't you ever
seen you in the movies?

I like to think I have
better taste than that.

You don't know
what you're missin'.

Remember the one you did
with that Italian actress
Monica Monicalli?

Monica Monicelli.
Yeah.

Uh, Passion in Palermo,
I think it was called.

And there was this scene.
She was crying.

And you bent down, and
you kissed every single one
of her fingers...

from her pinky
to her thumb.

You remember that?
Fortunately, no.

Oh, I remember.
I'll never forget it.

And then you said,

"Without love,
life has no purpose."

Oh, the things
I say for money.

Did that ever hit home.

Did you
get me where I live.

I sat through the whole film
and six marshmallow bars just
to hear that one line again.

"Without love,
life has no purpose."

Is that
what you believe?

Sure. Doesn't everybody?

No, not everybody.

Tell me, why do you
believe in love?

Everybody's gotta have
some religion, don't they?
So your religion is love?

Well, I'll tell you one thing:
I sure go to church a lot.

You know, I see you
sitting here with
my own eyes,

but I find it hard to believe
that you really exist.

Yes? Uh, no,
no, thank you, Manfred.

I'll take care of it
myself. Good night.

Our supper.

Caviar.

Cold lobster.

Brochette.

And melon.

May I fix you a plate?

What's the matter?

They'll never believe it.

Believe what?
That I'm here, in
Vittorio Vitale's bedroom...

drinkin' champagne and
he's servin' me dinner.

Who won't believe it?
My girlfriends.

What can we do
about it?

Do you think...
What?

That...
Yes?

Could I have a personally
autographed picture?

You can have me
in profile or full face,

with moustache, clean-shaven,

smiling or sexy.

Oh, I will take that
clean-shaven, full-faced
and sexy one.

For...
Charity.

For Charity.
Um...

Who was
with me tonight...

in my apartment.

Alone.
Alone.

I swear it.

Vittorio Vit...
Yes, yes,
I know the rest.

Eccola.

Wow. You even
write great.

Oh, what a night for me.

Tomorrow, you're movin'
right into my locker,

and every time
I open the door, pow!

Oh, they're...
They're not gonna
believe this.

They're gonna think
this is a forgery.

Where you goin'?
You wait for me.

I'll be right back.

Now don't go away.

Hurricane Hazel could strike.
I'm not movin'.

If they

Could see me now

That little gang of mine

I'm eatin' fancy chow
and drinkin' fancy wine

I'd like those stumble bums
to see for a fact

The kind of top drawer
first-rate chums I attract

All I can say is wowee
look at where I am

Tonight I landed... pow
right in a pot of jam

What a setup, holy cow

They'd never believe it
if my friends could see me

Now

They'd never believe it

They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it

They'd never believe it

They'd never believe it

They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it

They'd never believe it
They'd never believe it

They'd never believe it

Ooh.

Do you think this will do?
I used it in my first film.

Oh! Ohh!

What a beautiful...

black thing.

It's a hat.

Eccola.

You see?
My initials.

It is yours.

Now wait.
There is more.

If they could

See me now
my little dusty group

Traipsin' round this
million-dollar chicken coop

I'd hear those
thrift shop cats say
Brother, get her

Draped on a bedspread made
from three kinds of fur

All I can say is wow

Wait 'til the riff and raff

See just exactly how
he signed his autograph

What a buildup, holy cow

They'd never believe it
If my friends could see me

Now

Hi.

Ciao.
Boy, this is some
terrific mattress.

My initials.
This, also, is for you.

Oh, I couldn't.
You must.

Oh, really, I can't.
I insist.

I'll take it.
I'll go see if
there is anything else.

Chow, Vittorio, baby.

If they could see me now
alone with Mr. V

Who's waitin' on me
like he was a maitre d'

I hear my buddies sayin'
Crazy, what gives

Tonight she's livin' like
the other half lives

To think the highest brow
which I must say is he

Should pick the lowest brow
which there's no doubt is me

What a step up, holy cow

They'd never believe it
If my friends

Could

See me

Now

They'd never believe it

They'd never believe it
If my friends

Could see me

Hey, girls. Look! It's me!

Charity!

Oh. Oh, boy, you know this...
This is some terrific floor.

Miss Charity Hope Valentine.

Since I could find
nothing else in all
of my possessions...

that could truly express
my warm feelings for you,

for what you
have done tonight,

for what you
have given me,

I ask you please
to accept this.

Oh, wow. I accept.

And may I just say that
I never received such a gift...

in such a gorgeous package.

Mr. Vitale, you've been
so terrific to me.

I think that this is...
This is the best time...

I ever spent
in my whole life.

No, no, no, please.

Suppose you eat
your supper, huh?

Pronto.

Well, tell her I'm asleep.
No, tell her I'm dead.

Well, tell her th...

What?

Lock the door.
Lock the door.

It's Ursula. She's here.

What should I do?
What should I do?

If you want my opinion,
we don't really need her.

And in my opinion, we
don't really need her.

Vittorio! Vittorio,
I know you're in there.
Let me in.

Oh, Ursula, go away.

- Vittorio, please.
- No.

- Please?
- No!

- Please!
- Oh, I can't stand it. Let her in.

Yes, you're right.

In here.

I'll get rid of her
as soon as I can.
Oh, but...

Vittorio, let me in.
Don't treat me this way.

I almost forgot.
Oh, thank you.

Thank you.
Here.

Oh. If you get a chance,
I'd love a cold beer.

Yeah.

Vittorio, I'm not leaving
until you open this door.

Oh, Vittorio,
what took you so long?
What's going on in here?

Oh! Is that why you came back?
To accuse me again, huh?

You have someone else
in here.
Oh, very well.

I picked up a girl
off the street, and, uh,
she's hiding in the closet.

- I don't believe you.
- Well, look for yourself.

All right, I will.

Oh, what's
the matter with me?

You wouldn't stoop so low
as to hide another woman
in the closet.

Oh, I don't know
what comes over me.

The thought of you
with another woman
just drives me insane.

Why do I torture myself
this way?

Why? Why?

Why?

If I knew you really cared,
I'd give you anything.

I care, cara mia.

Of course I care.

But why can't we discuss
this in the morning?

Do you care, Vittorio?
Do you really care?

Of course I care.

Of course I care.

Really?
Really.

You know, Ursula,
I don't understand...

why we torture
each other this way.

Oh, because I'm a fool,
jealous fool.

Oh, how could I have been
so foolish as to believe
you'd bring home...

some cheap little nothing?

Now, Ursula, I really
do think you should go.

It's so late, and
I'm really very tired.

We can talk again
tomorrow, all right?

Oh. Just a moment.

Without you,
there is no love.

And without love,

Life has no purpose.

Oh, Ursula, Ursula.

Mmm, Vittorio,
Vittorio.

Wow.

Oh, talk about
your foreign movie.

If my friends

Could

See me

Now

Shh-shh.

It's morning.
Oh.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Are you all right?
Well, it's
too soon to tell.

Uh.
Okay.

Wow.

Silk sheets!
Must have cost a fortune.

Thank you very much
for everything. I am sorry
the way things turned out.

No, it sorta figured,
you know?
Why do you say that?

Because you're you,
and I'm me.

For the taxi.
No, you've given me
enough already, really.

Well.

- Chow.
- Ciao.

Well, first we go
to this ritzy place, where we
end up dancin' together.

Oh, he is some
terrific dancer.

Then, we go back to his
fashionable east-side apartment,

except it was
a whole, entire house...

with so many rooms
you needed a compass
to find your way around.

Then we just sort of
sat around sippin' champagne...

and talkin' about life
and things, you know.

Oh, boy. It was
some terrific night.

So, come 6:00 in the morning,
guess what he wants to do then?

Send me home in his own
personal, private limousine.

I say to him, "Vittorio, honey,
forget it. I enjoy walkin'
when the sun's comin' up. "

But to tell you the truth,
I didn't actually walk.
I mean I flew all the way home.

My feet never once
touched the ground.

Well, you keep on
smokin' them funny
little cigarettes,

you're bound to do
a little flyin'.

I knew you wouldn't believe
I spent the entire evening
with Vittorio Vitale.

You swear?
I swear.

On your mother's life?
On my mother's life.

Hey, Wanda, call up
and see how her mother is.
All right, look.

Look... what he gave me.
And look what else.

His cane.
And his hat.

Mementos of our
evening together.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
His hat!

Is that all
he gave you?

What do you mean
is that all?

Hi, team.
Hey, Nickie, did you
hear about Charity...

spendin' the night
with Vittorio Vitale?

I don't believe it!

And all she got for it
was an old hat and a cane.
I believe it.

Oh, honey, if I was you,
I'd pass this hat...

and beat myself to death
with the cane,
'cause you are dumb.

You don't even know
what happened.
Forget it, baby.

What you do in bed
is your business.
You see?
I wasn't even in bed.

I was in the closet.

To each his own.

The least you could have got
was a mink coat!

Oh, what's he gonna give me
a mink coat for?

If you gonna mess with
the details, you ain't
gonna get no results.

A hat and a cane? If it was
me, I'd have walked out of there
with my own beauty parlor.

Now you'll never
get outta here.

It was your big chance,
baby, and you blew it.

Now you're stuck...
stuck like the rest of us.

And it ain't no use flappin'
your wings, 'cause we are caught
in the flypaper of life.

Not me.
What'd you say?

I said not me.

What chance have we got
in a miserable joint like this?

I mean, just look at us.

Don't look at me.
I was always like this.

What's the matter
with her?
Nothin'.

If you happen to like
a lot of beat-up broads
nobody cares about.

Well, not me.

I'm not gonna spend
the next 40 years of my life
in the Fandango Ballroom.

I am not gonna become
the world's first little old
gray-haired taxi dancer.

I am getting out.

Out!
What a nice word.

There's gotta be something
better than this

There's gotta be something
better to do

And when I find me
something better to do

I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get up, get out
and do it

There's gotta be some
respectable trade

There's gotta be something
easy to learn

And when I find me something
a half-wit can learn

I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get up, get out
and learn it

All these jokers
how I hate them

With their groping
Grabbing

Clutching
Clinching

Strangling
Handling

Fumbling, pinching
Pinching

Phooey!

There's gotta be some life
cleaner than this

There's gotta be
some good reason to live

And when I find me
some kind of life I can live

I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get up, get out
and live it

I got it.
I have got it!
What?

I'm gonna be
a receptionist.

In one of those glass
skyscrapers, 9:00 to 5:00.

My own typewriter.
And water coolers. And office parties.

Ooh-ooh-ooh
and coffee breaks.

Wow!

When I sit at my desk
on the 41st floor

In my copy of a copy of
a copy of Dior

I'll receive big tycoons
and I'll point to a chair

I'll say
Honey, while you're waiting

How would ya like
to put it down over there

There's gotta be something
better than this

There's gotta be something
better to do

And when I find me
something better to do

I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get up, get out
and do it

Hey, hey, me too, me too.

I'm gonna get out of here, and
I'm gonna go right to the top.

Yea!
I am gonna be...

a hat check girl...

at one of them east-side
high-class restaurants.

You know, a tray
full of cigarettes costin'
60c a pack and keep the change?

And all those hats
comin' in:

Derbies, homburgs.

Ooh, and that cute
little checkered number...

with the skinny brim
and the feather!

Check your hat, sir
Check your coat, sir

Check your vest, sir
Check your pants

Check your socks, sir
Check your shoes, sir

I can hold them
while you dance

Check your eyes, sir
Check your ears, sir

Check and see if
you are free

How about it
after hours

I'll check you

And you check me

Me too, me too.
I'm gonna get out too.

But, baby,
what can you do?
I don't know.

Just get me out of here,
and I'll figure it out later.

There's gotta be some life
cleaner than this

There's gotta be some good
reason to live

And when I find it

Some kind of life
I can live

I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get up, get out
and live it

Ha!
Ha!
Ha!

Ha!

Phooey.

Phooey.

Yip.

La-la la-la
la-la la-la

La-la la

La

La-la la-la
la-la la-la

La-la la la-la-la
la-la-la la-la-la

And when I find me
some kind of life I can live

I'm gonna get up

I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get up, get out

And live

Live it

Excuse me, ladies.

They have just announced the winners
of the Irish Sweepstakes,

and since none of you lovely
creatures is among the winners,
get your keesters back inside.

Hey, Herman,
in the first place,
watch your language.

There's ladies present.
And in the second place, we're
not so sure we're comin' back.

I can always find
somebody else.
That's the third place.

I'm comin', Herman.
But, Nickie, what about all
those plans we just made?

Yeah.
What about 'em?

Oh, I've got it, Mr. Carmichael.
Uh, stenotypist...

with a guarantee
of nine paid holidays,

cost of living escalation...

and free maternity care.

Okay, Mr. Carmichael,
first stenotypist that
walks in, you've got her.

Good-bye, Mr. Carmichael.

- Ahem.
- Come in. Sit down.

Card.

Well, now, Miss, uh, Valentine,
what can we do for you?

I want a job...
a nice job.

Of course you do.
What nice job would you like?

And don't say mine,
'cause it's already taken.

Well, something
in an office.
Good.

You, uh, type,
of course?
No.

Take shorthand?
No.

Operate calculators?
Nope.

Keep books?
No.

File?
No.

Run a switchboard?
No.

You speak
a foreign language?
No.

Um...
No.

Ask me some more
questions.

Well, look,
Miss, uh, Valentine...

How about, uh,
stenotypist?

Oh. Are you
a stenotypist?

Well, not at the moment.
But you do
stenotype?

- Maybe.
- Uh-huh. What do you mean?

What is it?

Um, where did you
go to school?

Uh, public
elementary school #84.

I mean after that.
After what?

This isn't goin'
too good, is it?

Have you ever had
any formal training...

in any field whatsoever?

Well, nothing
that comes to mind.

Well, then, what do you
expect me to do?

I told you,
find me a nice job.

But you can't do anything.

B-But I must be able
to do somethin'.

Well, I mean, everybody
knows how to do somethin'.

Don't they?

I used to think so.
Look, miss, uh...

Valentine. Oh, please,
Mr. Nicholsby, you gotta
find me somethin'.

I don't wanna go back
to that place where
I'm workin', you know?

I mean, I want a nice job where
I can meet some nice people.

I w... I want very much
to change my life.

I'll work hard.
I'll work awful hard.
And I'll learn quick.

Find me somethin',
Mr. Nicholsby, please.

Ohh, is this a gag?

- Huh?
- I'm right, aren't I?

It is a gag.
Those guys down the hall
put you up to it.

Like the time they sent over
a guy that stuttered for
a radio announcer's job.

They should know by now
I can spot 'em.

You can tell them
you really had me going.

But it took you a while,
didn't it?

Well, you're a very good
sp-sport, Mr. Nicholsby.

Listen, you're
pretty good yourself.

Well, I gotta be goin' now.

I have a job, you know.
I got a swell job.

I was just
helpin' 'em out.

That stuff about "public
elementary school #84"...
That was perfect.

Yeah, it was good.

Miss? Are you
going down, miss?

Miss, I'm afraid I'm
going to be awfully late.

I didn't mean
to rush you.
I hope I wasn't rude,

but I have an appointment,
and if I'm late, they'll
blow a fuse.

- What was that?
- We stopped.

Why did I have to say that?

About blowing out a fuse.
What a dumb thing to say.

Press the button over there.
We'll get started again.

We're stuck.
Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Kind of st...
Kind of stuffy in here.

Isn't it
kind of stuffy?

Maximum weight in pounds:
3,500. What do you weigh?

128.
Yeah, we're all right.

Course we're all right.
Yeah, we're fine.
We're fine.

Yeah.

We're just stuck in the...
the little old elevator.

Hey, are you
okay really?
Who, me?

Yeah.
Oh, yes, I'm fine.

I'm fine. L-I have to
get used to it, that's all,
'cause this is the first time...

I've ever been trapped
in an elevator.

Trapped, trapped, trapped.

Hey.

Hey, do you have that thing,
you know, where you're scared
of small, tight places?

Claustrophobia?
No, no, no.
Yeah.

Nothing like that.

Claustrophobia?
No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, l-I just,
uh, can't stand...

small, tight places.

But I can handle this all right,
because I know we'll get out
of here in a couple of minutes.

- Well, sure, we will.
- You really think so?

- Of course I think so.
- If you thought we're really
trapped, what would you say?

But we're not
really trapped.

Yeah, I know, but if you thought
we were, what would you say?

Then I'd say,
"We're really trapped."

My God! I knew it!
I knew it!

Dear, you shouldn't
get so excited.

Yeah. Look.
Isn't this awful?

'Cause I never act this way, really.
I'm a very calm, organized person.

I want you to know that
if-if-if-if it really
comes down to it,

you can depend on me.

You understand that?
Yeah, I understand.

Yeah. I just hope
it doesn't come down to it.

Maybe I should
yell for help.
Why not?

Help.

Help.

Help!

Oh! Here. My name is
Charity Hope Valentine, and...

Hey, you're shaking!
All over.

Let me rub your wrist.

You know what I feel like
doing now? I mean, you
know what my impulse is?

To take off
all my clothes.

I don't think that
would do very much good.

You'd think they'd have
a telephone in here,
wouldn't you? Never again.

Never go in an elevator again
without checking for a phone!
Always check for a phone!

Hey.
Listen, I have an idea.

What do you think of this?
Climbing out the top of the elevator,

shimmying up the cable
and then forcing the door open
on the floor above.

Well, it might work,
but I do think it sounds
a little dangerous.

Then don't try it.
Stay here with me.

Hey, come on down there!
We don't think it's funny
anymore!

If I could just get out
for a few minutes.

Just a few minutes outside,
and then I'd be all right.

Then I'd
come back inside.
Listen.

I really think
the best thing to do is keep
talking about something else.

Then you won't think about it,
okay? What's your name?
Your name. What's your name?

Don't ya have a name?
I don't think so.

Well, sure you have a name.
Everybody's got a name.
Bruce, Howard, Richard...

Oscar. My name
is Oscar Lindquist.

Oscar Lindquist?
It's stuffy in here.

No, no, no, let's keep
our clothes on, Oscar.
Now, where do you live?

Who?
Oscar Lindquist.
Where do you live,
Oscar Lindquist?

Keep talking.
Where do you live?
In an elevator!

You don't live in an elevator.
You live in a house. Now concentrate!

411 East 74th Street. I've
gotta stop breathing so much.
I'm gonna use up all the air.

Keep talking, Oscar.
Keep talking.

That's not fair.
You should breathe
some of the air.

I can breathe.
Now listen.
Where do you work?

The Excelsior Life Insurance
company. "Your life is our
business." I'm an actuary.

What's an actuary?
I figure out premiums
based on the probabilities.

Good, Oscar.
Now what's a probability?
The odds.

The odds on what?
Keep talking.
Suppose you
wanted a policy.

Yes, I want a policy. Go on.
It's my job to study
your particular situation...

Yes.
And then figure out
the odds...

on your meeting with
an unfortunate accident...

like... like suffo...

suff...

suffocating in an elevator.

Oscar! Mr. Lindquist!

Are you all right?

Boy, this is really
my lucky day.

Of all the millions of guys
in town, I wind up with
a candidate for the funny farm.

Not too bad-lookin' though.

For a fruitcake.

For a fruitcake.

It's a nice face

As faces go

It's a very nice face

With a place
for every feature

Every feature in its place

Not a commonplace face

His eyes

Blue

His chin's stubborn and strong

His ears

They're ordinary ears

His nose

A little long

Still

It's a gentle face

A little square
A little corny

It's a sentimental face

If he'd smile

He'd look like so

When he's mad

He'd look like so

So

Don't make this
a federal case

It's just another pretty face

But you know:

It's a very, very

Very nice

Face

Where am I?
Do you remember
where you were before?

No.
Well, you're
still there.

Oh, my God!
Don't leave me!
I won't leave you, Oscar.

I promise. I'll stay right here
in this elevator with you,

and everything's
gonna be just fine.

What happened?
I think
the lights went out.

Oh, boy!

Help.
Help.

Help.
Help.

Help.

Help! Help!

Help.
Help.

Help.

Oscar, Oscar!
The lights are on.

Push the button.
Push the button!
Yes.

Oh!
It's moving.
It's moving!

Well, of course,
your big problem is panic.

Seventy-eight percent
of your common
household accidents...

could be avoided
by calm, clearheaded thinking.

Well.

See ya around.

Around.

Ah, miss?
Miss, what, uh...

Do... Do you
suppose we could...

Well, you know, uh, uh...
Do you think that
maybe that...

That I don't suppose
that we could...

I know you're tryin' to ask me
for somethin', but ya gotta
give me a bigger hint.

Well, can I see ya
this Sunday?

Aren't ya late
for work or somethin'?

Well, I was supposed to
go to, to group analysis,
but I guess I missed it.

You gonna be all right?
Oh, yes. It was my last
session this week anyway.

I'm finished.
Good.

What was your problem?
Well, one of
my problems was that...

I was painfully shy.

Oh. And now
you're cured?

No, I...
I never had the nerve to
bring it up, so I quit.

I guess you're
busy Sunday.

Look, can I ask you
a personal question?

You're not otherwise
affiliated, are ya?

Like a wife?
Oh, no! No, no,
nothing like that.

Are you busy Sunday?
No.

Oh, well, uh,
where do you live?

Maybe you prefer
to meet me somewhere.

Are you familiar
with that little bridge
in Central Park?

Yeah, well, maybe we better
forget the whole thing.

Please, 2:00, Sunday?

L- lf you're not there,
I'll understand.

I'll be there anyway.
I've got nothing else to do.

I must be out of my head.
What am I doin' here?

Mmm-uh.

Charity!

I'm glad you
could make it.

I thought after what
happened in the elevator
you might think I was...

Well, you know,
some kind of a nut.

Oh!
I almost forgot.

Here. I grow them myself
in my apartment.

Do you mind
if we get off this bridge?
Oh, sure, sure.

Listen, I've made all kinds
of plans for today.
I thought maybe...

Mmm-hmm. Here it comes:

The "I must have left my wallet
in my other pants" routine.

Well, forget it, Charlie.
You ain't gettin' a nickel outta me.

Do you like modern art?

I have several really fine
reproductions at home.

Do you know where
I'd like to take you now?

Yeah, to your place,
to look at your reproductions.

Boy, if Nickie and Helene
could see me now.

Who are Nickie and Helene?
Two of the girls
I work with.

I've been so busy talking
I haven't given you
a chance to say anything.

Where do you work?
Well...

Nope, wait,
let me guess, because
usually I can just look...

at a person and tell you
right off what they do.

I'd say you definitely
work... in a bank.

Am I right?
Did I get it?

You got it.

Well, you see, it's,
it's kind of a sixth sense.
Which bank?

You familiar
with Brooklyn?
No.

It's in Brooklyn.
You want a stick of gum?

No, thank you.

See, I, I...

Working in a bank
can be very dangerous,
you know?

In the greater New York area
the odds are 1 in 75
that you will be held up...

at least once
in any 12-month period.

Listen, just livin'
is dangerous, right?

May I see you home?
Where do you live in Brooklyn?

Oh, it's...
it's way far out.

And it's late.
You got to get up early.

I'll be okay.
Honest.

Uh, listen.
May I see you tomorrow?
Maybe we could go to a movie.

Okay, but one
with a happy ending.
I'm nuts about happy endings.

Good! I'll pick ya up at 5:00
in front of the bank, okay?

Suppose we, uh, meet...

At the bridge.

Night.
Good night.

Oh, look, I want you to know
I had a very nice time.

Being with you,
I mean.
So did I, Oscar.

A very nice time.
I had a very nice time too.

Well.
Well.

You're a lovely girl,
Charity.

Sweet Charity.

Gee, for a weirdo,
he's very nice.

Oh! I just live
around the corner.

"Sweet Charity."

Sweet Charity?

Hmm, Sweet Charity.

Hey, Nickie, Helene,
guess what happened?

Something every girl
in the ballroom dreams about!

You've been drafted!

No, I met a man,
a nice man.

Here it is, folks,
the 11:00 news.
We listen to it every night.

Can you imagine, I spent
the whole afternoon with him...

and he never once tried
any funny business, not once.

All he did was kiss my hand.
Hey, that's not makin' a pass, is it?

Naw. Is it, Helene?
What?

If a guy kisses your hand,
would you classify that
as a pass?

Depends.
On what?

On where your hand is
when he kisses it.

Ha, ha! Hey,
where was your hand?

On the end of my arm!

Okay, so besides slobbering
all over your knuckles,
what else does he do?

He's a reactionary.
A what?

He figures out odds.
A horse player.

No! For an
insurance company.
And he also grows flowers.

Sounds like a goofball.
He is not a goofball.

What does the goofball
think of your profession?

Have you told him you're in
the rent-a-body business?

Well, it just so happens
he doesn't think anything of it.

She ain't told him.

He is very highly educated.
A little thing like that
wouldn't bother him.

He already knows
because I already told him.

You told him?
Yep.

- You mean you really told him?
- I told him! I told him!

- When?
- Tomorrow, that's
when I told him.

Do you like peanuts?

Yep.

For our anniversary.
Huh?

It's exactly two weeks since
we were trapped together between
the ninth and tenth floor.

Boy, what a two weeks
this has been too.

We've been to six movies,
four museums, a lecture on
air pollution and a pet show.

I'd like to do something
different tonight.

You want to rob
a supermarket?

Would you like
to go to church?
To church?

It's the Rhythm of Life Tabernacle.

It started out as
a jazz group in San Francisco
and turned into a religion.

Hey, baby, like,
let there be light.

Lights! Lights!
Lights!

Oh, yeah!
Lights!

Get it! Get it!

Ow!

Ow!

Let there be light!

Ow!

And the title of the sermon
tonight will be...

"We Have Beat Our Swords
Into Plowshares"
and the beat goes on.

Swing it, Daddy!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Daddy started out
in San Francisco

Tootin' on his trumpet
loud and mean

Suddenly a voice said
Go forth, Daddy

Spread the picture
on a wider screen

And the voice said
Daddy, there's
a million pigeons

Waitin' to be hooked
on new religions

Hit the road, Daddy
leave your common-law wife

Spread the religion
of the rhythm of life

And the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat

Puts a tingle in your fingers
and a tingle in your feet

Rhythm in your bedroom
rhythm in the street

Yes, the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat

To feel
the rhythm of life

To feel
the powerful beat

To feel the tingle
in your fingers

To feel the tingle
in your feet

Daddy, go

Go, go, go

Tell them everything
you know

Daddy spread the gospel
in Milwaukee

Took his walkie-talkie
to Rocky Ridge

Blew his way to Canton
then to Scranton

'Til he landed
under the Manhattan Bridge

Daddy was a new sensation
got himself a congregation

Built up quite
an operation down below

With the pie-eyed piper
blowing while
the muscatel was flowing

All the cats
were go-go-going
Down below

Daddy was
a new sensation

Got himself
a congregation

Built up quite
an operation down below

With the pie-eyed piper
blowing while
the muscatel was flowing

All the cats
were go-go-going down below

Flip your wings
and fly to Daddy

Flip your wings and
fly to Daddy

Flip your wings
and fly to Daddy

Fly, fly
fly to Daddy

Take a dive
and swim to Daddy

Take a dive and
swim to Daddy

Take a dive
and swim to Daddy

Swim, swim
swim to Daddy

Hit the floor
and crawl to Daddy

Hit the floor and
crawl to Daddy

Hit the floor
and crawl to Daddy

Crawl, crawl
crawl to Daddy

Flip your wings
Fly

Flip your wings
Fly

Flip your wings
Fly

Flip, fly

Flip, fly

Flip, fly
flip, fly

Flip, fly, flip, fly
flip, fly, flip, fly

Take a dive

Take a dive, swim

Take a dive, swim

Swim, yeah, swim

Swim, swim

Swim, swim, swim
swim, swim

To Daddy

Daddy?
Yeah?

Ah, Daddy?
Uh-huh.

Oooh, Daddy!
Hit the floor!

Crawl to Daddy!
Hit the floor!

Crawl to Daddy!
Hit the floor!

Crawl to Daddy!
Hit the floor
and crawl to Daddy!

Aaah!
Crawl to Daddy!

Crawl to Daddy!
Crawl! Crawl!
Crawl to Daddy!

Do, we, do, we
do, we

Do, we, do, we
do, we

Do, we, do, we, do

Do, we, do, we, do
Split it, split it,
split it.

Do, we, do, we, do

Do, we, do, we, do

And the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat

Puts a tingle in your fingers
and a tingle in your feet

Rhythm in your bedroom
rhythm in the street

Yes, the rhythm of life
is a powerful beat

To feel
the rhythm of life

To feel
the powerful beat

To feel the tingle
in your fingers

To feel the tingle
in your feet

Daddy, go

Go, go, go

Tell them everything
you know

To feel
the rhythm of life

To feel
the powerful beat

To feel the tingle
in your fingers

To feel the tingle
in your...

Flip your wings
and fly to your daddy

Take a dive
and swim to your daddy

Hit the floor
and crawl to your daddy

Daddy, we've got
the rhythm of life

- Of life, of life
of life
- Yeah!

- Let me hear it!
- Yeah!

- Sock it to me!
- Yeah!

- Let it all hang out!
- Yeah!

Gather round.

Yeah, this is where
it's all happenin', babies.

"The Rhythm of Life,"
number seven
in the top ten religions.

We're gonna climb
to number one, Big Daddy.

I'm hip, baby.
But dig.

Time is runnin' out
on that big L.P. Called life.

And the greatest disc jockey
of them all is gonna come
and take us by the hand...

and lead us to the flip side
of life called eternity.

Eternity!

That big coffee break
in the sky.

Yeah, but before we groove
that final date...

before we head for that last...
Eight bars,

we gotta make our peace!

Make it, Daddy.
Make it, Daddy.
Make it, Daddy.

You know I'm gonna make it!

I want you cats to listen
to everything I'm gonna
lay on ya as of this point.

Number one!

Thou shalt dig thy neighbor as
thou wouldst have him dig thee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Number two!

Thou shall not put down
thy mamas and thy papas!

No, no, no, no.

Number three!
Thou shall not swing
with another cat's chick.

No, no, no, no.

Number four!

Thou shall not blow
thy minds on school nights
and national holidays.

They're a very devout group.
Where did you
ever find them?

I'm on a mailing list.
It's a Church of the Month club.

And last!
Come here.

But not least.

Thou shall not
indulge thyselves in
the evil marijuana weed...

commonly known as pot,
grass, Mary Jane...

Acapulco Gold,
as it is sinful.

It is harmful!
It's also very expensive!

So I suggest,
if anybody's holdin',
drop it before the fuzz arrives.

Love, babies.

Love, Daddy.

Yeah.

Are they gone?

Hey, you're shaking.
I'm scared to death.

Don't... Don't...
Don't worry.
I'm right here beside you.

So just relax
and be scared all you want.

Thank you. I will.

Hey, you know something?

I don't mind
being scared with you.

I mean, when you've got
somebody you can depend on,

that you know
will be there all the time
to take care of you,

then you can afford
to be scared.

I never had a somebody
like that before.

I've never had anybody
depend on me before.

I think they're gone.

You know what I wish?
I wish we could stay
like this forever.

Oh, do you, Oscar?

Y-You're the first girl
I ever met that
I ever trusted...

and believed in.

And my whole right side
is going to sleep.

Wait. I'll scrunch down.

How's that?

Oh, Oscar,

I'm gonna tell you
something about me
I don't think you'll like.

Couldn't be anything
about you I wouldn't like.

Remember I told you
I worked in a bank?

A bank in Brooklyn.

What about that bank
in Brooklyn?

We just raised
our interest rates. Mmm.

Hey!
What's the matter?

Did you hear what I said?
I said I wish we could
stay in here forever.

D-Did you hear me say that?
Well, look where we are!

In a small, tight place
of the type I'm usually scared
to death to be in, but I'm not.

I like it!
I don't have
claustrophobia anymore.

I'm cured! You cured me.
I did? How?

I don't know,
but it's gone!

Ha, ha!
For the first time in my life.

It's gone! It's gone!

It's gone! It's gone!

Gone, gone, gone!

Here was a man with
no dream and no plan

Then one lonely night
I found Sweet Charity

You make life fun for me

Oh, what it's done for me

Having you around
Sweet Charity

Warm words
I've never said

Lately pop off
the top of my head

It's incredible

Suddenly I'm the guy
I never dared to be

Watch me touch the sky
quite easily

So if you are free
Sweet Charity

Please belong to me
sweet, Sweet Charity

Please belong to me

Sweet Charity

Sweet Charity
please belong to me

Sweet Charity
please belong to me

Sweet Charity
please belong to me

Sweet Charity
please belong to me, please

Please

Please?

Charity, I'd just about
given up ever finding
anybody like you.

I mean,
the world's gone crazy.
Everything's all mixed up.

The old standards
of decency and morality,

they don't seem
to mean anything anymore.

When I see the way
the girls at the office
are passed around...

and the jokes
they tell about them,

I get sick, Charity.

Most people would laugh
if I told them that.

I'm not laughing, Oscar.

From the moment
we first met, I knew
you were different.

Like the way I knew
you worked in a bank.

Oscar, listen,
there's something...

I knew you believed
in the same things I did.
Things like,

Oh, innocence and...

Try purity.

Does that
sound corny?
No.

Well, yeah,
maybe it is.

B-But that's the way
I always pictured it would be.

The way it had to be.

No one else seems
to think those things are
important anymore, but...

that's why you're a very
special person, Charity.

Charity?

Charity?

Do you wanna have fun

Cowboy, I wanna
tell ya something.
Fun, fun, fun

A little secret
between you and me.
How's about a few

How about it, palsie?
Laughs, laughs

Mister, do you
speak Spanish?
I can show you a

Good time

Hey, what's the big idea?

Excuse me,
Miss Valentine!

Your escort shelled out 6.50
to dance with you, and
I do not see you dancin'.

Who dances?
You defend yourself to music!

Now, Miss Valentine...
You want to know
somethin', Herman?

I don't like it here
anymore.

So I'm givin' you
my two weeks notice
as of two weeks ago.

This is not
a nice place!

Charity?

Hey, Charity, listen...

Hey, baby?

Charity?
Hey!

I'm up here.

Boy, oh, boy, am I tired
of that musical snake pit
down there.

What's so bad about it?
You dance a little,

talk a little,
roll your eyes a little,
swivel your hips a little.

Just like that
you can kill a lifetime.

How are things going
with the goofball?

Who?
You know,
the hand kisser.

Him? Who needs him?
I don't need him.
I don't need anybody.

If I needed anybody,
it sure wouldn't be him.
She's nuts about him.

It's no good.
He thinks I work in a bank.

So? Let him!

He trusts me;
he believes in me.

I gotta tell him the truth.
Who I am, what I do, all of it.

That much truth
ain't good for nobody.

I should have told him
before, but...

Oh, he's just the nicest thing
that ever happened to me.

I wanted it to last
as long as it could.

Let me get this straight.
You're gonna tell him
you lied to him?

You're gonna
tell him you've been working
in this dump for eight years?

Yep.

You're gonna tell
about Frank and Charlie and...
Yep, yep.

Oh, Charity,
I gotta hand it to you.

You are an extremely
honest, open
and stupid broad.

Yep.

Charity, what...

Sit down, Oscar.

Aren't you going
to sit with me?

I have some very important
things to say to you and...

if I have to look
in your eyes, I'll never
be able to say them.

You alone, miss?
She's with me.

Charity, I was asleep
when you called. I'm still
in my pajamas. Look.

Don't look at me!

Oscar...

I don't now, I never have...

and I probably
never, ever will...

work in a bank.
Oh.

I don't even have
a bank account anymore.

Whatever money I do have,
I keep in an empty jar
of instant coffee.
Oh.

You know how I earn
that money, Oscar?
You're a dance hall hostess.

I'm a dance hall hostess.
I work in a cheap dance hall.

And I dance
with strange men...

and I drink with them
and sometimes...

sometimes...

Hey, how did you know?

When you left me in the
phone booth, I ran outside
looking for you.

I saw someone.
I thought it was you
and I followed her.

She went into
that... that place.

Then I knew it wasn't you.

Except I saw the photographs
outside, and it was you.

I didn't go in.
I couldn't.

I went home.

I tried to hate you,
Charity.

I tried very hard.

But I couldn't.

I just couldn't hate you.

Maybe you'll have
better luck tonight when I get
finished telling you the rest.

It's not important.

"Not important"?

What do you mean,
not important? What about
all those things you said?

Look, Charity...
Don't look at me!

Charity, I know what I said.

But I just can't
let you get away.
You have to marry me.

Oscar, I've gotta
tell you everything!

I don't care what you are
or what you've done.
If you only knew.

If you only knew,
all those guys.

All those guys that...

Charity, don't cry.
Please, don't cry.
I believe you.

I know you believe me! I'm
crying about that other part!

What other part?
That marrying part! I didn't
hear it the first time!

Excuse me, sport.

Marry me?

Oscar!

You're not just makin' fun
of me, are ya?

Because askin' a girl
to marry her is one
of her most sensitive areas.

You really shouldn't say it
if you don't mean it.

I mean, you can
seriously hurt a person
kiddin' around like that.

To tell you the truth,
Oscar,

I don't think I could stand
another injury of that nature.

You know, for the first time,
I'm happy.

I mean, really happy inside!
And it's all because of you!

Oh!
Don't look at me!

I can get pretty
emotional too, you know.

Give me your hand.

Charity, you know what
we're gonna do? We're gonna
get out of this city.

Oh, I'd like that.
We'll move to the country.

I'd like that.
New Jersey maybe!

We'll open a nursery
and greenhouse, grow flowers.
You'd like that.

The important thing
is to forget about the past.
I've forgot it.

It's not important.
It's not important.
It isn't.

We won't discuss it anymore.
We won't even think about it,
especially not think about it.

We won't think about it.
A lot of men couldn't do that,
but not me.

Not you.
I'll never mention it again
as long as I live.

I'd like that.

Because I need you,
Charity.

I need you...
and I love you.

Besides, it's about time
I got married anyway.

I'm 34 years old.

He loves... me.
Did you know that
the odds are 785...

Someone loves me.

Someone loves me!

Some... one... loves... me!

Some... one... loves... me!
Some... one... loves... me!

Somebody loves me

My heart
is beating so fast

All kinds of music
is pouring out of me

Somebody loves me

At last

Now

I'm a brass band
I'm a harpsichord

I'm a clarinet

I'm the Philadelphia
orchestra

I'm the modern
jazz quartet

I'm the band
from Macy's big parade

A wild Count Basie blast

I'm the bells of
St. Peter's in Rome

I'm tissue paper
on a comb

And all kinds of music

Is pouring out of me

'Cause somebody
loves me at last

Somebody loves me

She's a brass band
She's a harpsichord

She's a clarinet

She's the Philadelphia
orchestra

The modern jazz quartet

She's a brass band
She's a harpsichord

She's a clarinet

That's me!

She's the Philadelphia
orchestra

She's the modern
jazz quartet

She's the band
from Macy's big parade

A wild Count Basie blast

She's the bells
of St. Peter's in Rome

She's the bells
of St. Peter's in Rome

She's tissue paper
on a comb

Somebody loves me

At last!

Oh, look, you don't
have to come in.

No, it's all right.
It's all right.

I'll just be a few minutes.
I'm fine, just fine.

Hmm. Hey,
anybody in there?

Oh, it's you.

Herman, what's goin' on?
How come you're closed?

Business stinks.
I sent everybody home.

Aw, but I called Nickie
and Helene and I told 'em
I was comin' by...

Hey, you heard the news.
I'm tyin' the knot.

I'm gettin' spliced!
I'm gettin' hitched!

Oh, yeah, I heard.
Look.

This is him.
This is the one.

Oscar Lindquist, this
is Herman, affectionately
known as der Fuhrer.

How do you do?
Right. Well,
I got work to do.

Wait, wait.
I got to get some things
out of my locker.

Okay, but don't take
none of the hangers.

Every time a girl leaves here,
she always takes all the hangers.

He's kind of gruff on
the outside, but inside he's
really a very rotten person.

Herman, would ya
turn on a light?
You should know the way by now.

Eight years of your life
you spend in a place...

and nobody even cares enough
to turn on a light.

Surprise!

We really fooled ya,
huh?

You didn't think we'd let ya
get away without givin' ya
a party?

You shouldn't have!
I told ya
we shouldn't have!

Everybody, everybody,
that's him!
That's the one!

This is
Mr. Oscar Lindquist!

This here, Oscar, is
Nickie and Helene. Remember
I told you so much about 'em?

How do you...
All right, folks!

And now through the courtesy
of the hostesses here
at the Fandango Ballroom,

in cooperation
with the waiters,

Chet, the bouncer,
Irving, the cop,

And our three regular
customers since 1949,

We present...

A $17 cake!

"Happy Birthday, Angelo"?

You couldn't get a new cake,
ya cheapskate?

That's all they had
on such short notice.
Oh!

No, no, no!
It's the sentiment that counts.

I thank you
and Oscar thanks you
and Angelo thanks you.

You know something, pal?
For a broad she's got a lot of class.

Somebody get
Mr. Whatsit a beer.

The present,
the present!

Charity Hope Valentine,
we who have lived with you,
undressed with you,

suffered the indignities of
this crummy joint with you.
Aw!

We who have come to
know you and to love you,

on this,
your nuptial eve...

Shut up!

We just want to wish you...
I think I'm gonna cry.

Will ya quit slobberin'
all over the cake?

Get down! Let me do it!
Hold it down.

Charity, honey,
we just wanted to...

God, we're gonna
miss you, girl!

I'll give it to her.
I'm the one that
picked it out anyway.

Charity, please accept
this gift as a token
of our estimation.

I hope it's a nice gift.
I wonder what...

What the hell kind of
a wedding present is that?

I thought she was pregnant.
Isn't that why she's
getting married?

It's the nicest, nicest
wedding present I ever got.

That a girl!

All right, folks.
You know it ain't often that
one of our group goes off...

to marry a nice,
respectable guy.

As a matter of fact,
this is the first time
it's ever happened.

So in honor of
our own blushing bride-to-be,

Miss Charity Valentine,
I would like to say...

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Gee!

Gee!

It's tough for a
loudmouthed mug like me

Who all the time
bellows like a bull

To make with the words
about the missus-to-be

When what you think is
an empty heart is full

Tomorrow when you say
I do

I'll die

I'm almost too ashamed

To tell you why

I

Love to cry at weddings

How I love to cry
at weddings

I walk into a chapel
and get happily hysterical

The ushers and attendants

The family dependents

I see them
and I start to sniff

Have you an
extra handkerchief

And all through the service
while the bride and groom look nervous

Tears of joy are
streaming down my face
Down his face

I love to cry at weddings
anybody's wedding

Anytime, anywhere, anyplace

I always weep at weddings

I'm a soggy creep at weddings

Oh, what's so sweet
and sloppy as, oh, promise me
and all that jazz

The man you rest
your head with, the man
you share your bed with

Is married to you so you know

He won't jump up
and dress and blow

- I could marry Herman
- And be permanently sorry

We would make
a really lousy pair

But, gee
I want a wedding
any kind of wedding

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere

And all through the service
while the bride and groom
look nervous

Tears of joy
are streaming down my face

I love to cry at weddings
anybody's wedding

Anytime, anywhere

Anyplace
doodle-le-do

I love to cry at weddings

How I love to cry at weddings

I walk into a chapel
and get happily hysterical

The ushers
and attendants

The family dependents

I see them
and I start to sniff

Have you an
extra handkerchief

And all through the service

While the bride and groom
look nervous

I drink champagne

And sing Sweet Adeline

I love to cry

At weddings

Anybody's wedding

Just as long as it's not mine

Okay, everybody,
the food is on me!

Hey, Johnnie.
Uh, Lindquist.
Oscar Lindquist.

Yeah, you just make sure
you treat her right.
You get me?

Yes, of course.

'Cause she's entitled,
I mean, really entitled.

If I was to list all the
rotten deals that sweet, stupid,
hard-luck dame's been dealt...

If I was to tell you...
There's no need, really.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know all about it.

Frankly, I was dead set
against her telling ya
anything.

But it seems
you're a saint.

She tells you everything
and you say it doesn't
matter, right?

That's right.

Say it again.

Ha, ha, she hasn't been makin'
a pitch for herself, has she?

Well, he's taken.

Hold this for me, would ya?
I'll be right back.

Well.
Well.

Well.

It can happen, though,
you see?

You just gotta keep hopin'.
That's the important thing.

I mean, miracles do happen.

Everybody, so long.
Bye!

I love to cry
at weddings

Anybody's wedding

Anytime, anyplace

Anywhere

I love to cry at weddings

How I love to cry
at weddings

I walk into a chapel
and get happily hysterical

The ushers
and attendants

The family dependents

I see them
and I start to sniff

Have you an extra
handkerchief

And all through the service
while the bride and groom
look nervous

Tears of joy
are streamin' down my face
Down his face

I love

To cry at weddings
anybody's wedding

Anytime
Anytime

Anywhere
Anywhere

Anyplace
Anyplace

D-Didn't you see
the sign?

"Please do not throw
any rice in the halls
or on the stairs."

That's because one out of
every 42 accidents occurs
in a public building.

Oh. I'll be careful.

Look.

You like it?

Yeah, it's, uh...

It's, uh...
It caught my eye, you know.

You and your flowers
and everything.
Oh.

You don't like it?
No, I do, I do.

It's very flowery.

Boy, there sure are
a lot of questions here.

Okay, name:

Charity Hope Valentine.

Soon to become
Mrs. Oscar Lindquist.

Age...
Yeah, what the hell?

Heck.

Place of birth:
New York, New York.

New York.

Identifying marks?
What are they?

You know,
scars, birthmarks,

tattoos.

Oh. Tattoo.

I'm gonna have it taken off,
Oscar, you know.

Occupation:
Unemployed.

It hurts like crazy, they say,
but you can have 'em taken off.

Charity.
Yeah?

Okay, finished.
Your turn.

Boy, I'll tell ya,
I didn't care too much
for the first half of my life,

but the second half
sure is gettin' good.

Charity, I can't
go through with it.

Did you hear
what I said, Charity?
I can't marry you.

You're nervous,
aren't ya, Oscar?

It's perfectly natural
for the groom to be nervous...

I can't do it.

Is this a joke?

Is this a joke, Oscar?

'Cause if this is a joke,
it's a very rotten joke.

Oh, this isn't a joke.
Nobody would joke
about a thing like this.

Is it a joke?

I know what it is!
It's this stupid dress!

Oh, me and
my rotten, crummy taste.

Why don't we get me
another dress and
this time you pick it out?

It's not the dress.
It's not the dress.

It's the way I talk,
isn't it?

I know, sometimes
I say those dumb things.

But if I went to night school,
in no time at all...

Charity, it's not you.
It's me.

What are you trying to tell me?
I don't know
how to explain it.

Well, try, Oscar.
Holy mackerel, please try.

Charity, I have this thing,
this mental block.

What? So?
There's a lot of that
goin' around.

A stupid, childish,
insane fixation.
I know it's wrong.

I know it's not
what a person's done,
i-it's what's inside.

But I can't help it.

Did you hear that?
I know it's wrong,
and I can't help it.

I got an idea.

Let's you and me
go ahead and get married,
and then afterward...

we'll talk about
your fixation, okay?

You're better off
without me, Charity.
I'm doing you a favor.

Oscar. Oscar!

Oscar! We could be
so happy together.

Growing flowers
in New Jersey.

On days when your mental
block was botherin' you,
you could stay in bed.

And I'd grow
the flowers.

Oscar. Oscar, listen.

I could change
the way I talk.

I could change
the way I dress, you know.

But there's certain things
a person can't change
because they're history.

And you can't change
history, Oscar, no matter
how much you want to.

Oh, Charity.

Oscar, I got so much to give.
Please, let me give it to you.

Charity, I'm saving you...
I'm saving you from me.

Don't save me.

Marry me.

Don't beg, Charity.
You're too good
to beg to anyone.

Oscar, hey, you know,
we don't have to get married
if you don't want to.

I mean, we could just, uh,
you know, be together.

Don't you understand?
I would destroy you.

But that's okay.

I'm not doing much now
anyway.

Oh, God.

Forgive me.

Please forgive me.

I forgive you.

I forgive...

Where am I going
and what will I find

What's in this grab bag
that I call my mind

What am I doing
alone on the shelf

Ain't it a shame

No one's to blame
but myself

Which way is clear

When you've lost your way

Year after year

Do I keep falling in love

For just the kick of it

Staggering through
the thin and thick of it

Hating each old
and tired trick of it

You know what I am
I'm good and sick of it

Where am I going

Why do I care

Run to the Bronx
or Washington Square

No matter where I run

I meet myself there

Looking inside me

What do I see

Anger and hope and doubt

What am I all about
and where am I going

Yeah? Hey, it's
the old married lady!

Hi, baby, it's me.
How'd it go?
Nickie.

What are you doin'
callin' here? You must
have better things to do.

Nickie, I wanna talk to ya.

You ought to hear her.
She's all choked up.

Charity, I can't tell ya
how happy all of us are for ya.

We've been doin' nothin' else
but talkin' about it all day.

Tell us about the ceremony.
It must have been beautiful.

And talk loud
'cause we're all listenin'.
Shh.

Uh... uh...

Yeah.

Yeah, i-it was beautiful.

It was beautiful
just like in the movies.

Did he give you a nice ring?
Did he carry you
over the threshold?

Did he hang out
a "do not disturb" sign?
Shh!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
he did all those things.

Just like in the movies,
you know?

Well, put the groom on.
We wanna hear his side.

Oh, well, I can't.
He can't, you know.

We promise we won't
say nothin' dirty.

We just want to say good luck.
Put him on!
Shh!

Okay, just a second.

Honey, uh, the girls wanna
say good luck, you know?

He says... He says he can't.
He's shaving, you know.

Are you happy, baby?
Are you finally happy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm finally happy.

I hope so. Listen,
don't talk to us no more.

Any man who's shaving
means business.

So long, baby,
and thanks for callin'.

It meant a lot you thinkin'
about us at a time like this.

Hey, listen,
if the first one's a girl,
you can call it Nickie.

If it's a boy,
you can call it Nickie.
So long, baby!

Bye! Bye!

Bye.

Looking inside me

What do I see

Anger and hope and doubt

What am I all about

And where am I going

You tell me.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Morning.

Love.

Love.

Love.
Love.

Love.

Love.

Good morning.

Good morning.