Original subtitles

Maybe I am inert.

Oh, Jesus.

- MICHAEL: You're not. - DAVID: Maybe I am.

MICHAEL: Why?

Cos I move through time like a dust mote...

...floating. I'm present...

...but I'm not really there.

When did these conversations become so poetic?

I'm just afraid of becoming invisible.

I'm afraid of glass

and...

- ...electricity. - OK.

So, obviously, light bulbs are a no-no.

- Right. - And dying.

Sure.

All this quiet is not good for me.

You should see a therapist.

I've got you.

I've been struck off.

Have you? Why?

Gross incompetence.

Well, not before time.

Why don't you talk to Georgia?

Nah. She snapped at me today.

- Why? - I...did a thing.

Erm, Georgia calls you my procrastination buddy.

- Aw! That's nice. - Yeah.

Does Anna have, like, a fun...

...name for me, or...?

"David"?

Oh.

Yeah. You know, you have seemed a little bit more...

...ooh, introspective recently.

- Have I? - I mean, don't get me wrong,

you have always thoroughly enjoyed talking about yourself.

- There's a lot to say. - But you've started

seeming a bit...

What?

- ...a little... - Yeah?

...boring...?

- Boring?! - Tedious.

Oh, now you're just throwing around hurtful comments.

- Needy! - Just cos you won't listen...

(LAUGHS)

I do nothing but listen!

That is literally all I do, every minute of every day.

My thoughts are interesting.

To you.

I am a public intellectual.

By what standard?!

I was Dictionary Corner on Countdown on two occasions!

Just going through something!

Oh... I have got to go.

What, already?!

Yeah. Oh, sorry. Time's up.

I've only had 40 minutes.

Yeah, well, I've got another call.

- With who? - New York.

Oh, wedding stuff.

Wedding stuff!

I've never been a best man.

Oh, Jesus!

SIMON: So, I know that we joke about it

and about how much of it was improvised,

and I enjoy that as much as everybody else. It's a funny joke.

- Would you say 30%? - But...

30?

- At least! - Ten.

- At most. - DAVID: Oh...

I mean, 25.

This is not a negotiation.

And the Hamlet stuff, that was definitely me.

"2-4-6-8 Mootaway."

Yeah. The having the mug in shot, that was all me.

Fucking disco.

Nsk-nsk-nsk-nsk!

Well, that whole bit, wasn't it?

That was the whole bit, the whole "being on set" bit.

- God, yeah. There was nothing scripted... - We just did that.

...anywhere near that!

That was just us - b'ding, b'dang, b'ding... That was, like...

- That bit. - (HIGH-PITCHED) "Please, sir,

"can I have a little morsel?"

Again, that was just us. We were just riffing.

I mean, that was the tr.... That was the entire trailer.

There was nothing scripted in the trailer.

- None of that was scripted. - Krapy Rub Snif. That was a thinker.

That got people... (CLICKS FINGERS)

Yeah... You liked that more than I did.

People like it!

People...have claimed it. I'm the one who invented it.

I didn't just say it in the show. I said... I came up with that

- back in drama... - No, I'd heard that years before.

# Think I'd better dance now! #

- Oh, that was good. - Huh!

You just took that from The Trip.

- Exploded the thing. - And when I did Sean Connery,

Jason Connery wrote to me.

He said, "Nice to see the old man on television again."

I mean, I find it difficult to remember anything that was scripted.

It's the... I mean, regardless

of the percentage, it's the improv that zings!

Cos all the bits that people talk about...

Muppet dance. # Mm-mm-mm-mm! #

Yeah. We could have done without the Muppet dance.

People love that. There are memes of that everywhere.

Why did you keep the Muppet dance in but you took Mike Yarwood out?

- # Mm-mm-mm-mm! # - You made some funny choices in the edit.

We haven't really gone through this, have we?

Well, Dan was the editor. He...

But they're all the bits that come alive, aren't they?

So, irrespective of the percentage, rr-rr-ah...

- 10%. - ...we contributed

a significant amount.

But I wrote it!

I wrote it. I sat down at a computer, this one,

and I typed the whole thing out.

It took weeks!

Yeah. And we improved it...

- (CLICKS FINGERS) ...immediately. - Bang!

So, the other Davids and Michaels have been reading the script

and they're requesting changes.

- They've got notes... - Oh, OK.

...but I'm not allowed to be a part of those conversations,

because people don't think that I had anything to do with it.

- Why not? - Because that's what you told them.

You told them I didn't write it. You said that.

- When? - All the time.

- In all the interviews! - We gave you full credit

- in those interviews. - Full credit?

Credit.

Did you give me any credit?

- You were mentioned. - Infrequently.

So all the new actors have all seen those interviews?

- Yes. - Great!

No, not great! No, bad!

I want them to think that I wrote it.

No, it shows they're interested,

- they're paying attention. - To the source.

They want to know how this really... They want to...

They want to go to the magic, don't they?

- Mm. - So, I know you're reading

with the other Davids and Michaels today.

We are. Yeah.

I'm reading with the Michaels.

And I am reading with the Davids.

Yeah, I'm sorry that will be boring for you, Michael.

Well, I'll get through it somehow.

So could I ask a favour?

Could you try and find out what their notes are,

what their thoughts are, what their comments are?

- I suppose. - Thank you.

And maybe even just...

...talk me up a bit.

- Talk you up? - Mm-hm.

I mean, we're doing this under sufferance. This is...

You know, this is a punishment for us.

Yeah, this is our community service.

I'm not asking you to lie for me.

Oh!

Oh, you're not asking us to lie. So...

So what are you asking from us, then, Simon?

Just...

...tell them I wrote it.

- ACTOR: I don't like it. - DAVID: Well, Simon Evans wrote it.

- I don't think I want to do it. - Right.

- I'll read it, but I have my concerns. - Like what?

- Feels cruel. - Cruel?

Unbarmherzig.

What does that mean, exactly?

- Merciless. - Sure.

- Remorseless. - Yeah.

Pitiless.

Oh, it's supposed to be funny.

- It's not. - No? OK.

It's acrid.

Should we read a bit?

- Sure! - OK.

Erm, so, it's the scene where we're looking down

at a series of photographs,

I'm going to choose one

and I'm calling out the numbers. I'll go from the top of the page.

"What about two, one, four, five?"

"Is that make-up?"

"I put on a little foundation."

"You look pox-ridden."

"I do not!"

"Why do you always do that thing with your mouth?"

- "What thing?" - "It's just a straight line

"across your face."

(LAUGHS) "You look just like a Muppet."

"Well, your smile is a straight line, too."

"But I've got a twinkle in my eye."

- "I have a twinkle in my eye!" - "Your eyes tire."

- "Tire?!" - "Like a low-impact Gorgon."

- "Oh, fuck you." - See what I mean?

Well, there was...funny moments.

Michael is a horrible person!

Do you think?

I thought you were supposed to be friends.

"I mean, I just want to make sure I don't get oversensitive."

- "Ah, this is bullshit!" - "You should calm down."

"Oh, why? Because when I get emotional, I sound cartoonish?"

"Oh, I've heard that, too."

"Look, I wrote a scene today where I took a shit

"from a high height on your big, stupid, Welsh, hairy head!"

OK. Good.

- Good... - (CLEARS THROAT)

I mean, I've got nothing to say.

Have you got any questions, or anything I can help with, or...?

The... Your writer.

The writer is Simon Evans.

Is he, like, anti-Scottish?

I don't think so.

- David is just always whining. - Whining?

Yeah, and, you know, we're not all like that.

I don't think it was meant as, like, a cultural comment.

He can't be... He can't be like that, though, David, in real life, can he?

It's funny, cos a lot of people have said

they think that Michael might be the more interesting role.

(LAUGHS) No!

Not at all!

He's two-dimensional and petty.

He calls me cartoonish later.

Michael's a cartoonish character.

He should have a shark tank in his basement,

a...castle in a volcano.

I've done enough of both of them. Yeah, trust me.

- Listen to me. - Yeah?

Whatever they say,

Michael's a paper doll.

He's a lazy stereotype.

David's the real person.

Yes. Yes, actually, David is the real person.

With real struggles!

He's trying to connect.

Yes, he is trying to connect!

Across distance,

strange technology, just trying to speak and be heard.

Yeah, Michael just keeps shutting him down.

It's sociopathic.

Yeah. I'd never thought about that before.

"Do you think I sound cartoonish?"

Have you ever tried a thing called actioning?

No. No, I don't think so. No.

You work out what your character's action is

on every line, like what he or she is doing.

If it can bring this more alive...

- OK. - ...then let's try.

So, just, let's try the... Have you got the scene that begins

with David putting his hand up?

- Do you know that one? - Yeah, yeah.

- I'll be... I'm Jo. So... - OK.

- David. - "Michael's being insufferable!"

Right, great. So...what's... er, what's David trying to do there?

Whine.

It's...It's sort of better if you think of it in terms of

what he's trying to do to the other character.

OK. Oh, right.

So, what's he trying to do to Michael?

To whine at him.

OK. Um...

- Yeah, OK, let's just... - Yeah? Carry on?

- Let's... Do you want to do another bit? - Yeah.

What have you got? Have you got something else there?

"Please, please, please, please!"

So, what's he trying to do there?

Desecrate the memory of Robert the fucking Bruce.

(MICHAEL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

This scene reads so much better, Lucy.

It's just the old one, really.

Did I know that you could write?

I don't, er, normally.

I do a bit of poetry.

- Ooh! - Um,

actually, Anna and I get sent quite a lot of poetry. Don't we?

Mm. We do.

- That's nice. - Lovely...

Is it for you or for David and Michael?

Um, it's a bit of both,

but more things rhyme with "Georgia". So...

When are we filming?

It has to be ready a fortnight today.

I'm available.

Me too.

- It's just an online thing. - Great.

Just, like, some sketches and a celebrity auction.

I have so much time.

So much time.

I snapped at David earlier.

Why? How come?

He did a...a thing.

Yeah, Michael's struggling, too.

- In what way? - He's not sleeping very well.

David's grinding his teeth.

Michael's getting headaches.

Do you have any idea why?

He wants to feel mobile,

he wants to go to New York with me,

he wants to hug people, raise a glass,

lift Lyra up and show her off.

Does he talk to anyone?

- A therapist? - Yeah, maybe.

Talks to David.

I suppose it's good that they have each other.

Isn't it?

DAVID: The Welsh must have a good phrase for the end of the world.

MICHAEL: "Rage, rage against..."

DAVID: You did not paint that this morning.

- MICHAEL: Yes, I did! - DAVID: Well, my pineapple is shit!

- MICHAEL: Let's not start... - DAVID: Oh, fuck! Come on!

(SPEECH OVERLAPS AND ECHOES)

- (CACOPHONY STOPS) - DAVID: Michael's being insufferable.

ACTOR: Well, David is a little two-dimensional.

That's... He's fine.

- It's the Michael character, really. - Really, you think?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what we've found.

No, he strikes me as quite...rich, sort of quite textured...

...really.

You know, improvisation's key.

Erm...

- It's just listening. - Right, OK.

Listening and responding.

But you expect me to be funny.

Ideally, yeah.

Do you know what? I'm just... I'm just more comfortable with a script.

Well, it's just that that's the way we made it work before.

Well, sure, but, you know, Simon, er...

...Simon Evans has sent me a script, so...

Yeah. Yeah, but, you know, what is written down

is just like a skeleton that we then build on.

- Right. - Nuance is key.

You said improvisation was key.

Different keys.

OK.

Is that a banister?

Yeah.

You're sitting at the bottom of the stairs?

Yeah, it's just easier cos there's lights down here.

It's just, just... Yeah, it's fine.

I've never seen inside your house. I thought it'd be classier.

Yeah, no, it's just quite old, David.

Do you...? I mean, I can see that you live in...

- Are you in a hotel? - Just...back of the...

Are you on set? Are you filming?

No. No... No. No, no, not yet, no.

Where's the banister from?

Well, it's from...

I think it's from...Sweden.

IKEA?

What is it made of?

It's actually plastic.

- Is it? - Erm, I'm ready when you are.

Wouldn't get away with that in Downton, would you?

(CHUCKLES) Should we read some?

Erm... OK, er...

Just, er...

No, that doesn't...doesn't read.

OK. Er, OK.

And...Ken Jeong.

You have my CV, and...

(SNIFFS) Ah, um...

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

I am David.

I am an asshole.

Hm.

Huh.

"Michael's being insufferable."

HUGH: "You look pox-ridden."

- Can you try a different flavour? - Yeah, yeah.

Find something kinder.

Yeah, so just like a kinder tone

- in the line. - No, no, no.

Put something in that's kinder.

Let's start again. I'll take it from the top.

- OK. - "What about two, one, four, five?"

"Is that make-up?"

"I put on a little foundation."

You look really handsome.

That's great. That's much better.

"Why do you always do that thing with your mouth?

- "What thing?" - "You make it sort of...

"...flat.

"It's just a straight line across your face. You...

"You look like a Muppet."

Yeah, maybe there...

...just take a moment to wonder why David finds it difficult to smile.

Why he finds it difficult to smile?

A thought. Just sprinkle in a little empathy, yeah?

I'll pick it up. Pick it up from "Why do you always do that thing with your mouth?"

"Wh...Why do you always do that...? Why do you always do that thing with your mouth?"

- "What thing?" - "You make it sort of...flat."

Er... Why is that?

Cos I'm struggling at the moment.

I... I would have tried to understand.

And I really need a friend.

David, I'm your friend.

Well, that's not always clear.

I'm sorry.

I want to be heard.

I hear you.

I'm feeling inert.

This must be really hard for you.

Er, how do you mean?

You know, reading these same scenes over and over again, just...

...seeing a parade of people just playing versions of your best friend.

He's not my best friend.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought...

I have a friend in New York.

OK.

- I have one in Cardiff. - I...I wasn't...

I have two - two! - in Brighton.

Still...

...strange, with all due respect.

I mean, if I were you, I'd be acting out.

I'd... Snapping,

you know, just shouting at birds...

- No-one does that. - ...screaming about

my deepest fears with this dude.

He just doesn't get it.

You know? I watch this,

and you're the angel,

and he is just...

...doesn't see your brightness. It's just like,

you know, it's like...

(AS DAVID, WITH COCKNEY ACCENT) Michael, you know, I'm jealous of your greatness.

You know, how can I be as great as you?

You know, I don't have your range, innit?

I'm just not as great.

(AS MICHAEL, WITH COCKNEY ACCENT) Well, don't compare yourself.

It's not a competition. You know, this isn't... It's not...

It's not Britain's Got Talent, innit?

(AS DAVID) I didn't say it's Britain's Got Talent. It's...

I want... You know, I just want what you have. I want you!

I want what you have, you know?

You know, give me what I want, innit?

(AS MICHAEL) It's, like... It's not like that.

It's just... You know, acting is energy, it's like a ball of energy.

You're just playing, you're just tossing it back and forth,

back and forth, innit?

(AS DAVID) It's not about that. It's about having the biggest ball

and the brightest energy! Fuck you!

(AS MICHAEL) Fuck you!

(AS DAVID) Fuck you, innit?!

(AS MICHAEL) Fuck you, innit?

I've got to say, it just feels like

- we're going against the spirit... - No, come on, come on, this is good.

This is much better. Focus in.

Don't... Don't... Don't lose it.

- Pick it up. I'll pick it up. - OK.

I'm feeling inert.

You're not feeling inert.

Well, maybe I am.

Well, if you're feeling inert, then...

...why?

I move through time like a dust mote, floating,

present but entirely without impact.

LUCY: Er, it's a technical question, really.

I typed the new version out on Word, like, a line at a time.

Courier New.

And it's quite time-consuming.

When you sent us the scripts for Staged, they looked pretty professional.

Did someone do that for you, or...

...did you use specific software...?

I got bitten by a dog.

- What? When? - Today.

- Are you all right? - Do you know what the dog was called?

What?

- Los Angeles. - No?!

- Yah. - Ooh, that is ridiculous!

It is ridiculous.

How did you find out?

Well, the fucking guy kept saying it. He said, "Down, Los Angeles.

"Let him go, Los Angeles. You don't want him...Los Angeles."

- That's taking a metaphor too far, Simon. - It's not a metaphor!

I worry I might develop a phobia.

What, of dogs?

No, of metaphors. Yes, dogs! Of course dogs!

No, you won't.

- I might do. - No, absolutely not.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Tom!

Er, yeah, I've got time.

What? Hold on a...

Gah!

SIMON: Sorry, they said what?!

Are you both OK?

- I'm fine. - Yeah, me too.

OK. Well, Simon's actually a bit upset now.

He should fucking get over it.

Michael, did you say that he didn't like Scottish people?

No.

- Did you? - No!

And, David, did you really tell people that his script was, erm...

..."a skeleton from which to work"?

- No! - (LAUGHS) Did you?

- No! - How is it

that I'm this much younger than you

and I still have to explain that this is not how people talk?

Did you just quote the show?

Oh. No! No, I...

...I say that all... I say that all the... That's a Lucy.

You know, that... I... Simon took that and, you know...

- Right. - His writing.

Michael, you know that some people think you have a shark tank in your basement?

The only thing I have in my basement...

...are my former co-stars.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

And if anyone's a fucking Lucy round here, it's you.

(COMPUTER DINGS)

KEN: I can see that you're grieving.

I'm fine.

You're not fine.

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're not...fine.

No.

Michael, you're going through something profound.

Now, we all identify ourselves in our reflections,

how people...see us.

And your other person...isn't seeing you.

You are so right.

I miss...

...people getting too close to me.

Endless buffets.

(WHISPERS) Using that.

"Michael's being insufferable!"

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

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