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1
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Maybe I am inert.
2
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Oh, Jesus.
3
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- MICHAEL: You're not.
- DAVID: Maybe I am.
4
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MICHAEL: Why?
5
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Cos I move through time
like a dust mote...
6
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...floating. I'm present...
7
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...but I'm not really there.
8
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When did these conversations
become so poetic?
9
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I'm just afraid of becoming invisible.
10
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I'm afraid of glass
11
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and...
12
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- ...electricity.
- OK.
13
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So, obviously, light bulbs are a no-no.
14
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- Right.
- And dying.
15
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Sure.
16
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All this quiet is not good for me.
17
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You should see a therapist.
18
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I've got you.
19
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I've been struck off.
20
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Have you? Why?
21
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Gross incompetence.
22
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Well, not before time.
23
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Why don't you talk to Georgia?
24
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Nah. She snapped at me today.
25
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,360
- Why?
- I...did a thing.
26
00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,960
Erm, Georgia calls you
my procrastination buddy.
27
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- Aw! That's nice.
- Yeah.
28
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Does Anna have, like, a fun...
29
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...name for me, or...?
30
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"David"?
31
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Oh.
32
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Yeah. You know, you have seemed
a little bit more...
33
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...ooh, introspective recently.
34
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- Have I?
- I mean, don't get me wrong,
35
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you have always thoroughly enjoyed
talking about yourself.
36
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- There's a lot to say.
- But you've started
37
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seeming a bit...
38
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What?
39
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,920
- ...a little...
- Yeah?
40
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...boring...?
41
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- Boring?!
- Tedious.
42
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,440
Oh, now you're just
throwing around hurtful comments.
43
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- Needy!
- Just cos you won't listen...
44
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(LAUGHS)
45
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I do nothing but listen!
46
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That is literally all I do,
every minute of every day.
47
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My thoughts are interesting.
48
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To you.
49
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I am a public intellectual.
50
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By what standard?!
51
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I was Dictionary Corner on Countdown
on two occasions!
52
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Just going through something!
53
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,280
Oh... I have got to go.
54
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:09,360
What, already?!
55
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,800
Yeah. Oh, sorry. Time's up.
56
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I've only had 40 minutes.
57
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Yeah, well, I've got another call.
58
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- With who?
- New York.
59
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Oh, wedding stuff.
60
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Wedding stuff!
61
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I've never been a best man.
62
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Oh, Jesus!
63
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,360
SIMON: So, I know that we joke about it
64
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and about how much of it
was improvised,
65
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,440
and I enjoy that as much as
everybody else. It's a funny joke.
66
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:33,640
- Would you say 30%?
- But...
67
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:34,720
30?
68
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- At least!
- Ten.
69
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- At most.
- DAVID: Oh...
70
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I mean, 25.
71
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This is not a negotiation.
72
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And the Hamlet stuff,
that was definitely me.
73
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"2-4-6-8 Mootaway."
74
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Yeah. The having the mug in shot,
that was all me.
75
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Fucking disco.
76
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Nsk-nsk-nsk-nsk!
77
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Well, that whole bit, wasn't it?
78
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That was the whole bit,
the whole "being on set" bit.
79
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- God, yeah. There was nothing scripted...
- We just did that.
80
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...anywhere near that!
81
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,720
That was just us - b'ding, b'dang,
b'ding... That was, like...
82
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,240
- That bit.
- (HIGH-PITCHED) "Please, sir,
83
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,000
"can I have a little morsel?"
84
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,280
Again, that was just us.
We were just riffing.
85
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,640
I mean, that was the tr....
That was the entire trailer.
86
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,880
There was nothing scripted in the trailer.
87
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:14,600
- None of that was scripted.
- Krapy Rub Snif. That was a thinker.
88
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,040
That got people... (CLICKS FINGERS)
89
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:18,840
Yeah... You liked that more than I did.
90
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People like it!
91
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People...have claimed it.
I'm the one who invented it.
92
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,200
I didn't just say it in the show.
I said... I came up with that
93
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,600
- back in drama...
- No, I'd heard that years before.
94
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,360
# Think I'd better dance now! #
95
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,600
- Oh, that was good.
- Huh!
96
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:31,760
You just took that from The Trip.
97
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- Exploded the thing.
- And when I did Sean Connery,
98
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Jason Connery wrote to me.
99
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,560
He said, "Nice to see the old man
on television again."
100
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,760
I mean, I find it difficult to remember
anything that was scripted.
101
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,680
It's the... I mean, regardless
102
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,240
of the percentage,
it's the improv that zings!
103
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,600
Cos all the bits that people talk about...
104
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,040
Muppet dance. # Mm-mm-mm-mm! #
105
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,320
Yeah. We could have done without
the Muppet dance.
106
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,000
People love that.
There are memes of that everywhere.
107
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,000
Why did you keep the Muppet dance in
but you took Mike Yarwood out?
108
00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,960
- # Mm-mm-mm-mm! #
- You made some funny choices in the edit.
109
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,760
We haven't really gone through this,
have we?
110
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,680
Well, Dan was the editor. He...
111
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,960
But they're all the bits
that come alive, aren't they?
112
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,120
So, irrespective of the percentage,
rr-rr-ah...
113
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- 10%.
- ...we contributed
114
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a significant amount.
115
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But I wrote it!
116
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,680
I wrote it. I sat down
at a computer, this one,
117
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and I typed the whole thing out.
118
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It took weeks!
119
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Yeah. And we improved it...
120
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,520
- (CLICKS FINGERS) ...immediately.
- Bang!
121
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:31,920
So, the other Davids and Michaels
have been reading the script
122
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and they're requesting changes.
123
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- They've got notes...
- Oh, OK.
124
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,680
...but I'm not allowed to be
a part of those conversations,
125
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,040
because people don't think
that I had anything to do with it.
126
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,520
- Why not?
- Because that's what you told them.
127
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You told them I didn't write it.
You said that.
128
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- When?
- All the time.
129
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- In all the interviews!
- We gave you full credit
130
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- in those interviews.
- Full credit?
131
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Credit.
132
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:52,640
Did you give me any credit?
133
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- You were mentioned.
- Infrequently.
134
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,440
So all the new actors
have all seen those interviews?
135
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,440
- Yes.
- Great!
136
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,120
No, not great! No, bad!
137
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I want them to think that I wrote it.
138
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,960
No, it shows they're interested,
139
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- they're paying attention.
- To the source.
140
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,000
They want to know how this really...
They want to...
141
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,800
They want to go to the magic,
don't they?
142
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:12,560
- Mm.
- So, I know you're reading
143
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with the other Davids and Michaels today.
144
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We are. Yeah.
145
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I'm reading with the Michaels.
146
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And I am reading with the Davids.
147
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,960
Yeah, I'm sorry that will be
boring for you, Michael.
148
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,680
Well, I'll get through it somehow.
149
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,360
So could I ask a favour?
150
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,160
Could you try and find out
what their notes are,
151
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,240
what their thoughts are,
what their comments are?
152
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,200
- I suppose.
- Thank you.
153
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,960
And maybe even just...
154
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...talk me up a bit.
155
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,200
- Talk you up?
- Mm-hm.
156
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,760
I mean, we're doing this
under sufferance. This is...
157
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You know, this is a punishment for us.
158
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,320
Yeah, this is our community service.
159
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:42,680
I'm not asking you to lie for me.
160
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,600
Oh!
161
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Oh, you're not asking us to lie. So...
162
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So what are you asking
from us, then, Simon?
163
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Just...
164
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...tell them I wrote it.
165
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- ACTOR: I don't like it.
- DAVID: Well, Simon Evans wrote it.
166
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,080
- I don't think I want to do it.
- Right.
167
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,280
- I'll read it, but I have my concerns.
- Like what?
168
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,200
- Feels cruel.
- Cruel?
169
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,640
Unbarmherzig.
170
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,720
What does that mean, exactly?
171
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,680
- Merciless.
- Sure.
172
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,480
- Remorseless.
- Yeah.
173
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Pitiless.
174
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Oh, it's supposed to be funny.
175
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,720
- It's not.
- No? OK.
176
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It's acrid.
177
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,160
Should we read a bit?
178
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- Sure!
- OK.
179
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,560
Erm, so, it's the scene
where we're looking down
180
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,200
at a series of photographs,
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I'm going to choose one
182
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and I'm calling out the numbers.
I'll go from the top of the page.
183
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,840
"What about two, one, four, five?"
184
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"Is that make-up?"
185
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"I put on a little foundation."
186
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,000
"You look pox-ridden."
187
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,240
"I do not!"
188
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,000
"Why do you always do
that thing with your mouth?"
189
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,840
- "What thing?"
- "It's just a straight line
190
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,120
"across your face."
191
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,520
(LAUGHS) "You look just like a Muppet."
192
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,600
"Well, your smile
is a straight line, too."
193
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:08,920
"But I've got a twinkle in my eye."
194
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,200
- "I have a twinkle in my eye!"
- "Your eyes tire."
195
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,440
- "Tire?!"
- "Like a low-impact Gorgon."
196
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,320
- "Oh, fuck you."
- See what I mean?
197
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,720
Well, there was...funny moments.
198
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,440
Michael is a horrible person!
199
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:21,840
Do you think?
200
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,720
I thought you were supposed to be friends.
201
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,080
"I mean, I just want to make sure
I don't get oversensitive."
202
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,120
- "Ah, this is bullshit!"
- "You should calm down."
203
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,840
"Oh, why? Because when I get
emotional, I sound cartoonish?"
204
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,000
"Oh, I've heard that, too."
205
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,120
"Look, I wrote a scene today
where I took a shit
206
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,680
"from a high height on
your big, stupid, Welsh, hairy head!"
207
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,080
OK. Good.
208
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,960
- Good...
- (CLEARS THROAT)
209
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,480
I mean, I've got nothing to say.
210
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,600
Have you got any questions,
or anything I can help with, or...?
211
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,920
The... Your writer.
212
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,400
The writer is Simon Evans.
213
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,160
Is he, like, anti-Scottish?
214
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,640
I don't think so.
215
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,640
- David is just always whining.
- Whining?
216
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,600
Yeah, and, you know,
we're not all like that.
217
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,280
I don't think it was meant
as, like, a cultural comment.
218
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,760
He can't be... He can't be like that,
though, David, in real life, can he?
219
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,080
It's funny, cos a lot of people have said
220
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,120
they think that Michael might be
the more interesting role.
221
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,840
(LAUGHS) No!
222
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,280
Not at all!
223
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,360
He's two-dimensional and petty.
224
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,840
He calls me cartoonish later.
225
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,680
Michael's a cartoonish character.
226
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,160
He should have a shark tank
in his basement,
227
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,920
a...castle in a volcano.
228
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,640
I've done enough of both of them.
Yeah, trust me.
229
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,920
- Listen to me.
- Yeah?
230
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,800
Whatever they say,
231
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,640
Michael's a paper doll.
232
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:42,000
He's a lazy stereotype.
233
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,560
David's the real person.
234
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,320
Yes. Yes, actually,
David is the real person.
235
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,640
With real struggles!
236
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:50,440
He's trying to connect.
237
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,440
Yes, he is trying to connect!
238
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,000
Across distance,
239
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:58,240
strange technology, just trying
to speak and be heard.
240
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,160
Yeah, Michael just keeps
shutting him down.
241
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,960
It's sociopathic.
242
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,840
Yeah. I'd never thought about that before.
243
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,800
"Do you think I sound cartoonish?"
244
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,000
Have you ever tried
a thing called actioning?
245
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,560
No. No, I don't think so. No.
246
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:14,360
You work out
what your character's action is
247
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,160
on every line,
like what he or she is doing.
248
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,000
If it can bring this more alive...
249
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,120
- OK.
- ...then let's try.
250
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,960
So, just, let's try the...
Have you got the scene that begins
251
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,440
with David putting his hand up?
252
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,160
- Do you know that one?
- Yeah, yeah.
253
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,280
- I'll be... I'm Jo. So...
- OK.
254
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,520
- David.
- "Michael's being insufferable!"
255
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:37,400
Right, great. So...what's...
er, what's David trying to do there?
256
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:38,400
Whine.
257
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,480
It's...It's sort of better
if you think of it in terms of
258
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,200
what he's trying to do
to the other character.
259
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,760
OK. Oh, right.
260
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,960
So, what's he trying to do to Michael?
261
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,360
To whine at him.
262
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,800
OK. Um...
263
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,720
- Yeah, OK, let's just...
- Yeah? Carry on?
264
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,720
- Let's... Do you want to do another bit?
- Yeah.
265
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,560
What have you got?
Have you got something else there?
266
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,600
"Please, please, please, please!"
267
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:08,960
So, what's he trying to do there?
268
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,960
Desecrate the memory of
Robert the fucking Bruce.
269
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,600
(MICHAEL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
270
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,240
This scene reads so much better, Lucy.
271
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,200
It's just the old one, really.
272
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,000
Did I know that you could write?
273
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,200
I don't, er, normally.
274
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,280
I do a bit of poetry.
275
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,160
- Ooh!
- Um,
276
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,960
actually, Anna and I get sent
quite a lot of poetry. Don't we?
277
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,080
Mm. We do.
278
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,840
- That's nice.
- Lovely...
279
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,720
Is it for you or for David and Michael?
280
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,920
Um, it's a bit of both,
281
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,120
but more things rhyme with "Georgia".
So...
282
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,040
When are we filming?
283
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,040
It has to be ready a fortnight today.
284
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,160
I'm available.
285
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,720
Me too.
286
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,680
- It's just an online thing.
- Great.
287
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,000
Just, like, some sketches
and a celebrity auction.
288
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,640
I have so much time.
289
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:58,920
So much time.
290
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,240
I snapped at David earlier.
291
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:02,440
Why? How come?
292
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:03,640
He did a...a thing.
293
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,960
Yeah, Michael's struggling, too.
294
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,640
- In what way?
- He's not sleeping very well.
295
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,320
David's grinding his teeth.
296
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,600
Michael's getting headaches.
297
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:12,920
Do you have any idea why?
298
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,280
He wants to feel mobile,
299
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,360
he wants to go to New York with me,
300
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,880
he wants to hug people, raise a glass,
301
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,560
lift Lyra up and show her off.
302
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:22,760
Does he talk to anyone?
303
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,880
- A therapist?
- Yeah, maybe.
304
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,160
Talks to David.
305
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,840
I suppose it's good
that they have each other.
306
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,320
Isn't it?
307
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,640
DAVID: The Welsh must have a good phrase
for the end of the world.
308
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,040
MICHAEL: "Rage, rage against..."
309
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,760
DAVID: You did not paint that
this morning.
310
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,800
- MICHAEL: Yes, I did!
- DAVID: Well, my pineapple is shit!
311
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:45,800
- MICHAEL: Let's not start...
- DAVID: Oh, fuck! Come on!
312
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,640
(SPEECH OVERLAPS AND ECHOES)
313
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,600
- (CACOPHONY STOPS)
- DAVID: Michael's being insufferable.
314
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,280
ACTOR: Well, David is
a little two-dimensional.
315
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,440
That's... He's fine.
316
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,600
- It's the Michael character, really.
- Really, you think?
317
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,480
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what we've found.
318
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,000
No, he strikes me as quite...rich,
sort of quite textured...
319
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,600
...really.
320
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:07,880
You know, improvisation's key.
321
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,200
Erm...
322
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,480
- It's just listening.
- Right, OK.
323
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,600
Listening and responding.
324
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,320
But you expect me to be funny.
325
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,640
Ideally, yeah.
326
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:20,520
Do you know what? I'm just...
I'm just more comfortable with a script.
327
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,600
Well, it's just that that's the way
we made it work before.
328
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,240
Well, sure, but, you know, Simon, er...
329
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,000
...Simon Evans has sent me
a script, so...
330
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,760
Yeah. Yeah, but, you know,
what is written down
331
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,160
is just like a skeleton
that we then build on.
332
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,840
- Right.
- Nuance is key.
333
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,680
You said improvisation was key.
334
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,520
Different keys.
335
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:42,520
OK.
336
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:43,920
Is that a banister?
337
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,680
Yeah.
338
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,200
You're sitting at the bottom
of the stairs?
339
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,520
Yeah, it's just easier
cos there's lights down here.
340
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,360
It's just, just... Yeah, it's fine.
341
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,440
I've never seen inside your house.
I thought it'd be classier.
342
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,240
Yeah, no, it's just quite old, David.
343
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,920
Do you...? I mean, I can see
that you live in...
344
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,840
- Are you in a hotel?
- Just...back of the...
345
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:01,960
Are you on set? Are you filming?
346
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,840
No. No... No. No, no, not yet, no.
347
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,320
Where's the banister from?
348
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:08,880
Well, it's from...
349
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,760
I think it's from...Sweden.
350
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:11,680
IKEA?
351
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:14,440
What is it made of?
352
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,400
It's actually plastic.
353
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,640
- Is it?
- Erm, I'm ready when you are.
354
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,080
Wouldn't get away with that
in Downton, would you?
355
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,600
(CHUCKLES) Should we read some?
356
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,120
Erm... OK, er...
357
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,640
Just, er...
358
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,960
No, that doesn't...doesn't read.
359
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960
OK. Er, OK.
360
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,960
And...Ken Jeong.
361
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,240
You have my CV, and...
362
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,800
(SNIFFS) Ah, um...
363
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,200
Mm.
364
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,600
Mm-mm-mm.
365
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,640
I am David.
366
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,280
I am an asshole.
367
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,880
Hm.
368
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,120
Huh.
369
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,880
"Michael's being insufferable."
370
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,880
HUGH: "You look pox-ridden."
371
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,800
- Can you try a different flavour?
- Yeah, yeah.
372
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,520
Find something kinder.
373
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,320
Yeah, so just like a kinder tone
374
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,200
- in the line.
- No, no, no.
375
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,320
Put something in that's kinder.
376
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,080
Let's start again.
I'll take it from the top.
377
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,240
- OK.
- "What about two, one, four, five?"
378
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:32,320
"Is that make-up?"
379
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:33,520
"I put on a little foundation."
380
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:40,880
You look really handsome.
381
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,040
That's great. That's much better.
382
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,880
"Why do you always do
that thing with your mouth?
383
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,800
- "What thing?"
- "You make it sort of...
384
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:46,840
"...flat.
385
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,560
"It's just a straight line
across your face. You...
386
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,680
"You look like a Muppet."
387
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,800
Yeah, maybe there...
388
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:57,040
...just take a moment to wonder
why David finds it difficult to smile.
389
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,440
Why he finds it difficult to smile?
390
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,480
A thought. Just sprinkle in
a little empathy, yeah?
391
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:08,240
I'll pick it up. Pick it up from "Why do
you always do that thing with your mouth?"
392
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,040
"Wh...Why do you always do that...? Why do
you always do that thing with your mouth?"
393
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,800
- "What thing?"
- "You make it sort of...flat."
394
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,720
Er... Why is that?
395
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,320
Cos I'm struggling at the moment.
396
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,000
I... I would have tried to understand.
397
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,760
And I really need a friend.
398
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,040
David, I'm your friend.
399
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,360
Well, that's not always clear.
400
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:27,400
I'm sorry.
401
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:28,520
I want to be heard.
402
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,800
I hear you.
403
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,160
I'm feeling inert.
404
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,800
This must be really hard for you.
405
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,120
Er, how do you mean?
406
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,520
You know, reading these same scenes
over and over again, just...
407
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:43,280
...seeing a parade of people
just playing versions of your best friend.
408
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,360
He's not my best friend.
409
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,600
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought...
410
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,000
I have a friend in New York.
411
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:50,280
OK.
412
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,720
- I have one in Cardiff.
- I...I wasn't...
413
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,120
I have two - two! - in Brighton.
414
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,440
Still...
415
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,400
...strange, with all due respect.
416
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,440
I mean, if I were you, I'd be acting out.
417
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,840
I'd... Snapping,
418
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,760
you know, just shouting at birds...
419
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,880
- No-one does that.
- ...screaming about
420
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,760
my deepest fears with this dude.
421
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,400
He just doesn't get it.
422
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,720
You know? I watch this,
423
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,360
and you're the angel,
424
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,400
and he is just...
425
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,760
...doesn't see your brightness.
It's just like,
426
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,400
you know, it's like...
427
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,880
(AS DAVID, WITH COCKNEY ACCENT) Michael,
you know, I'm jealous of your greatness.
428
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,560
You know, how can I be as great as you?
429
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,760
You know, I don't have your range, innit?
430
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,200
I'm just not as great.
431
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:36,880
(AS MICHAEL, WITH COCKNEY ACCENT)
Well, don't compare yourself.
432
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,120
It's not a competition.
You know, this isn't... It's not...
433
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,040
It's not Britain's Got Talent, innit?
434
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,280
(AS DAVID) I didn't say
it's Britain's Got Talent. It's...
435
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,760
I want... You know, I just want
what you have. I want you!
436
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,760
I want what you have, you know?
437
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,480
You know, give me what I want, innit?
438
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,400
(AS MICHAEL) It's, like...
It's not like that.
439
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,880
It's just... You know, acting is
energy, it's like a ball of energy.
440
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,120
You're just playing,
you're just tossing it back and forth,
441
00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,360
back and forth, innit?
442
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,000
(AS DAVID) It's not about that.
It's about having the biggest ball
443
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,080
and the brightest energy! Fuck you!
444
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:05,360
(AS MICHAEL) Fuck you!
445
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,440
(AS DAVID) Fuck you, innit?!
446
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,600
(AS MICHAEL) Fuck you, innit?
447
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,560
I've got to say, it just feels like
448
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,360
- we're going against the spirit...
- No, come on, come on, this is good.
449
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,720
This is much better. Focus in.
450
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:15,920
Don't... Don't... Don't lose it.
451
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,960
- Pick it up. I'll pick it up.
- OK.
452
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,200
I'm feeling inert.
453
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:20,480
You're not feeling inert.
454
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:21,680
Well, maybe I am.
455
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,000
Well, if you're feeling inert, then...
456
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,400
...why?
457
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:30,720
I move through time
like a dust mote, floating,
458
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,680
present but entirely without impact.
459
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,920
LUCY: Er, it's a technical question,
really.
460
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,600
I typed the new version out on Word,
like, a line at a time.
461
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:48,800
Courier New.
462
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,320
And it's quite time-consuming.
463
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,240
When you sent us the scripts for Staged,
they looked pretty professional.
464
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,640
Did someone do that for you, or...
465
00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,840
...did you use specific software...?
466
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,600
I got bitten by a dog.
467
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,400
- What? When?
- Today.
468
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,920
- Are you all right?
- Do you know what the dog was called?
469
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,560
What?
470
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,080
- Los Angeles.
- No?!
471
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,400
- Yah.
- Ooh, that is ridiculous!
472
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,440
It is ridiculous.
473
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:19,720
How did you find out?
474
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,200
Well, the fucking guy kept saying it.
He said, "Down, Los Angeles.
475
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,560
"Let him go, Los Angeles.
You don't want him...Los Angeles."
476
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,240
- That's taking a metaphor too far, Simon.
- It's not a metaphor!
477
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,080
I worry I might develop a phobia.
478
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,480
What, of dogs?
479
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,040
No, of metaphors. Yes, dogs!
Of course dogs!
480
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,560
No, you won't.
481
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,200
- I might do.
- No, absolutely not.
482
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,000
(PHONE RINGS)
483
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,560
Hello?
484
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,120
Tom!
485
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,960
Er, yeah, I've got time.
486
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,400
What? Hold on a...
487
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:00,520
Gah!
488
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,000
SIMON: Sorry, they said what?!
489
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,000
Are you both OK?
490
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,960
- I'm fine.
- Yeah, me too.
491
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,040
OK. Well, Simon's
actually a bit upset now.
492
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,760
He should fucking get over it.
493
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:24,240
Michael, did you say
that he didn't like Scottish people?
494
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,480
No.
495
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,040
- Did you?
- No!
496
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:31,560
And, David, did you really tell people
that his script was, erm...
497
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,160
..."a skeleton from which to work"?
498
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,200
- No!
- (LAUGHS) Did you?
499
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,920
- No!
- How is it
500
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,200
that I'm this much younger than you
501
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,800
and I still have to explain
that this is not how people talk?
502
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,920
Did you just quote the show?
503
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,040
Oh. No! No, I...
504
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,840
...I say that all... I say that all the...
That's a Lucy.
505
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:56,080
You know, that...
I... Simon took that and, you know...
506
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,640
- Right.
- His writing.
507
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:02,120
Michael, you know that some people think
you have a shark tank in your basement?
508
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,600
The only thing I have in my basement...
509
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,280
...are my former co-stars.
510
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,960
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
511
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,240
And if anyone's a fucking Lucy
round here, it's you.
512
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,080
(COMPUTER DINGS)
513
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,680
KEN: I can see that you're grieving.
514
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,400
I'm fine.
515
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,960
You're not fine.
516
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,760
Yeah, I'm fine.
517
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,120
You're not...fine.
518
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,640
No.
519
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,160
Michael, you're going through
something profound.
520
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,160
Now, we all identify ourselves
in our reflections,
521
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,600
how people...see us.
522
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:10,600
And your other person...isn't seeing you.
523
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,400
You are so right.
524
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:22,720
I miss...
525
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,680
...people getting too close to me.
526
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,240
Endless buffets.
527
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,720
(WHISPERS) Using that.
528
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,640
"Michael's being insufferable!"
529
00:21:58,280 --> 00:21:59,880
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
530
00:21:59,930 --> 00:22:04,480
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