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1
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DAVID: Oh, why do we do it?
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00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:04,120
MICHAEL: What?
3
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DAVID: Act.
4
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(EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT)
She's a cruel and fickle mistress.
5
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I think, you know,
that particular mistress
6
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has been rather generous with her favours
to you and me.
7
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Yeah, but I'm...striving for pathos.
8
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Sorry. Strive away.
9
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We should quit.
10
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What?
11
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It's a young man's game, innit?
12
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MICHAEL: I'm only 50!
13
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DAVID: We can do other things.
14
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MICHAEL: You have zero discernible skills
beyond pretending.
15
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Is there something else you were gonna do
if you hadn't ended up doing this?
16
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I was going to be a footballer.
17
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I was!
18
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Yeah.
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DAVID: Yeah, I could have been
a minister of the church.
20
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,080
MICHAEL: Yeah?
No... No problem with the cassock?
21
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DAVID: Not having kilted!
22
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MICHAEL: Of course!
23
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When one has welcomed the breeze
to dust one's lower branches,
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there's...there's no going back.
25
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No, well, you need to do something
to keep the flies off your haggis.
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DAVID: Exactly, yeah.
27
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MICHAEL: The priest and the footballer.
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DAVID: Yeah. You might struggle a bit,
at first.
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MICHAEL: Why?
30
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Well, you know,
you're not in...you're not,
31
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you don't...you're not in the...
32
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...absolute kind of...
33
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...optimum state of physical peak.
34
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Oh! I will have you know,
35
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I'm a fucking paragon
of human fitness, mate!
36
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- Are you?
- What about you?
37
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You would need a total spiritual overhaul!
38
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DAVID: I have led a very good life.
39
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Or a note from the Pope.
40
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Oh, fuck off.
41
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Absolving you of all your sins.
42
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I did a little sermon during lockdown,
actually.
43
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One of the goldfish died.
We had a little funeral.
44
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- Aw.
- Put it in a matchbox.
45
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Buried it at the bottom of the garden.
46
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Aw, that's nice.
47
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- Said a few words.
- Yeah? What did you say?
48
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Just very wise,
spiritual kind of wiseness.
49
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Um...said it had gone to a happier place.
50
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Well, the end of the garden.
51
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- Yeah. It's very nice down there.
- I remember.
52
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,880
Did you consider...
53
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...burying it at sea?
54
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My daughter suggested that, actually.
55
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Yeah, well, she has a very keen mind.
56
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Well, she does, yeah.
57
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,320
- What did you say to her?
- Not much.
58
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:07,880
You know, you could say
that the gateway to heaven
59
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,000
is found through the earth.
60
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,360
Yeah...
I think that's a bit misleading, isn't it?
61
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,800
Hmm, maybe.
62
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,400
I mean, that's the sort of thing
that'll get her in trouble later -
63
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,160
trying to bury a carp in the park,
get her arrested.
64
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,080
Yeah, well, better stick with acting,
then.
65
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:25,640
I suppose so, yeah.
66
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,040
It's gonna rain later.
67
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:34,640
It's raining now.
68
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,600
- DAVID: I'm embracing this.
- MICHAEL: How d'you mean?
69
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:43,200
My shoot dates have changed again.
And location.
70
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,600
What, no South Africa?
71
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- No. Italy now.
- Still nice.
72
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,600
So I'm embracing the fact
that I have no control over events
73
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:55,800
and I'm going to welcome to the role
that chaos needs to play in my life.
74
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,200
Right. How... How are you doing that?
75
00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,680
Well, I made peace with
what's happened with Staged.
76
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,800
Ah, yes. Well, me too.
77
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,920
Well, you didn't really want to go
in the first place, so...
78
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,960
I like America.
79
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,120
The game is happening, OK?
80
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:15,600
But it's being played far away
by unknowable strangers.
81
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,320
Out of sight, out of mind.
82
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,440
Has this ever happened to you before?
83
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:21,840
Once.
84
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,640
- You got recast?
- I did.
85
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,200
- Who by?
- Don't want to say.
86
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:26,840
- But you know?
- I know.
87
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,120
- Well, come on.
- No, can't.
88
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,680
- Why not?
- Because I am doing something about it.
89
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:32,880
What?
90
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,680
Can you keep a secret?
91
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,200
Evidently.
92
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,840
I am befriending him,
93
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,960
slowly and methodically,
94
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,800
engineering ways for us
to work together,
95
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,360
over a number of years,
96
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,920
insinuating my way into his life...
97
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,960
...the better to exact my slow...
98
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,080
...and decisive...
99
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,600
...revenge.
100
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,400
- Hi!
- Hello!
101
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:40,000
Nina! Hello! Hi!
Oh, God, it's lovely to see you.
102
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,200
Yeah, it's lovely to see you too!
103
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,360
Ah, this is exciting!
104
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,960
It's really exciting.
105
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,320
More Staged!
106
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,680
- More Staged!
- Yay!
107
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,360
- Oh!
- Oh, my word! How have you been?
108
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,000
Yeah, good, I think. Yeah, great. You?
109
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:55,960
I'm fine. Strange, you know?
110
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,040
I do know. Yeah.
111
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,040
The whole thing has been so weird.
112
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,080
Mm-hm.
113
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,480
And I think, you know,
this bit's even weirder, somehow,
114
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,400
cos everyone's...everyone's trying to get
into the swing of things, you know,
115
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,320
but... Oh, God, it's happening faster
for some than others, isn't it?
116
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,760
Yeah, I suppose it is!
117
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,000
- Um, I was offered a play.
- Oh, great!
118
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Then, yeah, we weren't allowed
to do the play.
119
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,120
- Right.
- It's difficult.
120
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:18,280
Sure. No, I understand.
121
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,720
Yeah, and I feel like, sometimes,
you know, I want to kill someone.
122
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,000
But I won't.
123
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,200
- No, best not.
- No.
124
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,120
Cos I should have been an astronaut.
125
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,400
- Was that an option?
- No.
126
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,840
- How are you?
- Good.
127
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:35,960
Actually, where are you?
128
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,680
Oh, er, ha-ha!
129
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,400
I'm in Los Angeles.
130
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,840
- What are you doing there?
- Um, getting ready to film.
131
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,240
Oh, exciting! What?
132
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:49,240
Staged.
133
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,880
The second series is set in Los Angeles?
134
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,840
What have you been told?
135
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,920
Well, um, actually, not much.
136
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,600
- "Doing more Staged."
- Uh-huh.
137
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,600
"They want you for Jo again."
Er, "Can you talk to Simon?"
138
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,480
Ah.
139
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,320
- So here I am.
- Here you are. Er...
140
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,320
Right, OK, so there's a couple of things
that you should have been told
141
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:11,880
that it seems you haven't been told.
142
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,080
And what are they?
143
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,640
Er, well, so, it's not a sequel,
144
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,000
it's a sort of remake...
145
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,080
Oh, OK.
146
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,920
...for the American market.
147
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Hence Los Angeles. Yeah.
148
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,800
Hence Los Angeles. And...
149
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:29,160
And-And-And...
And the most crucial thing,
150
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,400
and I'm sort of a bit sorry that
I've got to be the one to tell you this,
151
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:35,760
but we're going to be doing it
without, er, David,
152
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,880
or, and, er, Michael.
153
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:40,560
Why?
154
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,000
Er, so, er, the producers
155
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,960
don't think that they are
quite big enough names
156
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,000
for the American market. Er...
157
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,560
- But I am?
- Well, you're not the lead.
158
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,880
- That's...
- True.
159
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,720
- That is not quite what I sort of meant.
- Right.
160
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,240
I sort of meant you sort of are
the lead of the sort of...
161
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,120
Yeah, no. Well, what... I mean, yeah.
No, I... Hm.
162
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,280
And what I've done... So what I have done,
I've worked really, really hard
163
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,920
to try and make sure that all of
the original sort of supporting cast
164
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,360
can sort of stick around
and be a part of it, but it...
165
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,480
It does mean we have to replace
those two...those two leads.
166
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:12,640
Oh, with who?
167
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,360
Er... Un...unconfirmed.
168
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,200
But you've managed
to keep yourself involved?
169
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,680
Er, well, yeah,
cos I sort of created it last time,
170
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,520
and sort of directed that, er,
that sort of version of it, so...
171
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:23,800
And you're directing this time?
172
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,920
- Er, no. No, I'm not.
- Why not?
173
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,600
Er, because people don't think
I actually did anything...last time.
174
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,200
- So...
- I get that.
175
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:36,960
Er... Um, but...
Well, except I am doing rewrites.
176
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,200
I mean, I thought David and Michael
improvised most of it, didn't they?
177
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,600
No, no, no, they didn't, did they?
They didn't do that.
178
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,840
They didn't improvise it, did they?
I-I wrote it, didn't I?
179
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,680
I typed the whole thing.
Look, I've got pieces of blue card,
180
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,920
and I wrote... I write the thing,
and then I put them on the wall,
181
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,520
and then I write, write,
write, write, write,
182
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,080
and we don't say that they wrote it, or
improvised it, cos they didn't, did they?
183
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,360
We don't say that, did they?
Cos they didn't.
184
00:07:58,600 --> 00:07:59,960
Do David and Michael know?
185
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,360
Er, they've been told, yeah, yeah.
186
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,800
Yeah. How did they take it?
187
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,200
Well, I haven't actually spoken to them
about it.
188
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,440
Would they know about me?
189
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:09,760
No.
190
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:10,920
They're gonna be upset.
191
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:14,080
Er, so is there a version
where we don't tell them?
192
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,720
Until we sort of get the thing
off the ground?
193
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:17,760
Why?
194
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,080
They're unpredictable.
195
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,480
- They are my friends.
- Yes, they are your friends.
196
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,200
Wow.
197
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:27,240
OK.
198
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,120
So, you know, good news
and bad news, then.
199
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,560
No, good news, good news, good news.
200
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,800
OK. Yeah, no, yeah. Um...
201
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,560
You kind of need to speak to them,
don't you...
202
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,360
- Yeah, I'll do that. I'll give them a...
- ...at some point?
203
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,400
Cos, you know, I'll probably get a... Or
I... I don't know. So I don't know what...
204
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,560
Yeah, you just...
You just leave that with me. I will...
205
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,880
- Yeah, you talk to them.
- Yeah, I'll give them a call.
206
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,040
Ah, shit!
207
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:01,360
Can you move this suitcase?
208
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,400
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
209
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,840
Cos I don't think the hallway
should be used as an obstacle course.
210
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,720
No, I've just been feeding the goldfish.
211
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:08,800
- We never got another one.
- No, you didn't.
212
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,960
- We had two and now we've got one.
- Agreed.
213
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,120
- That's how death works.
- And maths.
214
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,760
I'm worried that the one that's left
behind's getting a wee bit depressed.
215
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,400
- Oh, I don't have time for this.
- What do you mean?
216
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,440
Well, it's just I sense that you were
segueing into some tangent
217
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,080
about short-term memory, and I just
don't... I haven't got time to play.
218
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,440
You love my tangents!
219
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,040
Yeah, sure.
It's just that Lucy's coming.
220
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,120
- Today?
- Yeah.
221
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,360
- What, right now?
- Yeah, for a charity thing.
222
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,680
Like, in the flesh?
Like, Zoom doesn't cut it any more?
223
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,200
- Yeah. Normality beckons, babe.
- Is that safe?
224
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,760
Yeah, I think so, as long as we stay
a certain distance apart
225
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,280
and use our own mugs
226
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,880
and don't stick our hands
in the cookie jar at the same time,
227
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,880
and, oh, also, more importantly,
228
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,960
we don't crack our heads open
by tripping over your fucking suitcase.
229
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,600
- Yeah. I'll move it.
- Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.
230
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,560
What would you have done
if you weren't doing this?
231
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,120
- What is it you think I do?
- Come on.
232
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,000
What's... What's... What's the...
What's the dream?
233
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,320
Um...
234
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,400
...archaeologist.
235
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,800
I never knew that.
236
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,080
- Oh, God, I've done it again!
- What?
237
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,280
You've sucked me in.
You're like a black hole!
238
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:07,680
Don't be mean to me!
239
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,760
Oh, look, Michael
is your procrastination buddy,
240
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,640
and I am your wife,
and I've got stuff to do,
241
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,040
and you really need to not be here
when that happens.
242
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,080
I understand.
243
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:17,840
Can you move the fucking suitcases?
244
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,640
- It's not an installation.
- OK, good.
245
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,760
OK? I'm just really... I'm sad to unpack.
246
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,720
OK. It's just that you packed
for South Africa
247
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,840
- and now you're going to Italy.
- I am.
248
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,880
- You're gonna need different things.
- Yeah. I know.
249
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:30,920
OK.
250
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,360
It's just that normality beckons
a little less urgently for me.
251
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,400
And that will change.
252
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,920
I've just got a lot of stuff
to process, and feelings and...
253
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,080
Yeah, it's just the rest of us
just have to get on with it.
254
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,240
I'm just a bit worried that
the goldfish that's left behind
255
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:49,040
would do anything to have its little buddy
to play around the castle with.
256
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,600
OK.
257
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,080
I think that the goldfish left behind
258
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,080
forgot about the other goldfish
within seconds.
259
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,720
(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)
260
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,200
Who is it?
261
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,560
It's Nina.
262
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,600
- Oh! Hi, Nina!
- Hi, Nina.
263
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,600
MICHAEL: He'll be with us
in a couple of minutes.
264
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:13,640
OK. Good.
265
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:18,920
You all right?
266
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,120
- It's everyone else.
- I understand.
267
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,600
Adrian, Nina, Lucy...
268
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,040
- Sam?
- Yeah.
269
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,800
- Dame Judi?
- Of course.
270
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,800
- And Simon.
- And Simon, yeah.
271
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,040
So the game is happening
272
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,000
but it's not being played miles away
by unknowable strangers,
273
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,160
it's being played
by all our fucking friends!
274
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,720
- I know.
- And Simon.
275
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,120
- How can he not tell us?
- I know.
276
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,960
He was a fucking amoeba
before he worked with us!
277
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,200
That show would have been nothing
without us!
278
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,600
If he does the whole "I fucking wrote it"
shtick...
279
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,400
- No.
- It's principles!
280
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,320
- I know.
- I have principles. Fairness and honesty.
281
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,520
My father was a minister,
Church of Scotland minister, right?
282
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,280
I can talk to you about principles.
283
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,080
I thought you were embracing chaos.
284
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,560
Everyone else is doing it!
285
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,160
- I know.
- I want to do it too!
286
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,080
Anna...
287
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,480
...thinks that we should, um,
288
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,360
sort of try and stay calm with him.
289
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:18,480
Why?
290
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,080
Because he's on one side of the line
291
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,640
and we're...we're on the other.
292
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,000
Michael, we drew the fucking line!
293
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,920
I know. Anna said it better. Anna?
294
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,000
ANNA: Yeah?
295
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,920
Er, what...what was that Viking saying?
296
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,320
ANNA: What?
297
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,560
You know, the Viking phrase.
298
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:35,880
"The Viking phrase"?
299
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:36,960
Oh.
300
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:41,080
The... The thrall alone
takes instant vengeance.
301
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,680
- What the fuck does that mean?
- Yeah, what does that mean?
302
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,400
Actions are too often
ruled by emotions.
303
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,480
That seems a little bit hypocritical
coming from the Vikings.
304
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,760
Yeah, what she's saying...
We-We should remain civil.
305
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,600
- Why?
- Because he's not a monster.
306
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,160
He's a monster prick!
307
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,760
- Well, he's your only way in for now.
- Yeah.
308
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,080
Anna thinks that we should offer to help.
309
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,320
Fuck that!
310
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:05,560
Don't burn your bridges.
311
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:06,720
No, we won't, we won't.
312
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:07,920
We won't.
313
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:13,920
It's the only way to get close enough
to do some real damage.
314
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,560
What would the Vikings recommend?
315
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,080
Something with an axe.
316
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,240
(NOTIFICATION BEEPS)
317
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,600
Er, right, OK, now,
remember the Vikings, OK?
318
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,840
Just calm... Just calm. Deep breaths.
Just be calm.
319
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,520
- Just...
- Rrrr!
320
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,320
Calm. Shh... Yeah, embrace chaos.
321
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,520
- I'm going to be fine.
- Great.
322
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:43,960
I'm going to be really calm and nice.
323
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,560
OK, here we go.
Just deep breaths, deep...
324
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,880
Oh! So that's where
you've been hiding, you cun...!
325
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,600
(LINE DISTORTS AND CRACKLES)
326
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:55,880
I said, that's where you've been
hiding, you fucking...
327
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,280
- He can't hear you...
- ...fucking...
328
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,720
He can't hear you.
Thank fuck...he can't hear you.
329
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,240
OK, David, please...
330
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:03,680
Just keep it calm and civil.
331
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,440
I'm gonna be...
I'm gonna be so well behaved.
332
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,640
Just me one shot.
Just give me one shot at this, OK?
333
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,160
- Just to try and make it work.
- I mean...
334
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,800
Even just seeing his punchable
little face, I'm finding it very hard.
335
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,200
I know, I know, I know.
336
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,280
You know he's a twat,
337
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,600
- I know he's a twat...
- Ah...
338
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,480
...but let's just pretend
for this conversation...
339
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,280
It's all right, take your time,
take your time, Simon.
340
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,080
- Yeah...
- Yeah, no, don't worry, don't worry.
341
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,200
We've got all the time in the world!
342
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,120
- Just...
- It's so nice to see you, Simon!
343
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,800
Just, please... Let's just give it a try.
344
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,400
I'm... I'm on my best behaviour.
345
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:32,760
- OK. Thank you.
- (AUDIO BEEPS)
346
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,480
- Hi, sorry!
- Hey!
347
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,200
- Hey!
- Simon!
348
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,320
Hey! Sorry about that.
349
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,000
- All the fucking this.
- How are you, mate?
350
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:42,280
Yeah, no, good. Sorry. Er, yeah. Michael.
Hello. Hi. Er, David. Goodness.
351
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,520
- Nnnng!
- Long time, no see.
352
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,640
How are you?
353
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,000
David's grand.
354
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:51,400
Um... We've been hearing
about developments with Staged.
355
00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:52,840
Oh, yeah, have you?
356
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,000
- Yeah, Nina...
- Yeah, Nina phoned me.
357
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,280
Yeah.
358
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,200
- Right, OK, right.
- My dad was a minister.
359
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:02,720
David would really to talk to you
about his, um...
360
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,440
...principles at some point.
361
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:05,640
But, well, let's just have
362
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,040
- a little catch-up first, shall we?
- Yeah, that'd be lovely.
363
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,000
Is David OK?
364
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,960
David is...
365
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,160
...OK!
366
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,200
How are you?
367
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,760
Yeah, good. I mean, hey, look,
I'm in Los Angeles!
368
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,640
It's... So, it's happening.
369
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,400
Staged: America?
370
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,960
Yep, looks like it.
371
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,160
That it is exciting.
372
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:30,280
Yeah. Yeah, it really is,
and, look, I know I owe you guys
373
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,600
a lot of thanks for that, um...
374
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,080
I know we haven't really had
a chance to talk about it all, but...
375
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,480
Oh, don't be silly.
376
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,640
Well, it's been mad.
377
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:42,280
Yes, I bet. So, what, lots of...
lots of new opportunities?
378
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,880
I've been run off my feet.
There's just so much work to do!
379
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,520
- I couldn't have imagined any of this.
- No, well, I mean,
380
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,160
you couldn't have imagined anything at all
without us, could you?
381
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,440
Er, what, I...
382
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,600
What David means,
383
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,280
I-I think,
384
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,640
is that we feel, um,
385
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:04,240
you know, quite a lot of love,
386
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,560
er, even ownership,
387
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,720
of the project too.
388
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,440
Of course.
389
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:13,480
You understand?
390
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:14,840
Yeah, I mean, I did write it.
391
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:19,040
See, now, David is going to get
a wee bit ticked off
392
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,640
with that kind of...
territorial attitude, Simon.
393
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:29,160
He thinks that we both brought
a lot to the project too.
394
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,240
Well, no-one could doubt that.
395
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,760
- So we thought we were a team.
- Oh, me too.
396
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,120
So we were a little bit hurt
397
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,400
when we heard that we weren't needed.
398
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,080
Of course.
399
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:44,880
But we got past that,
but then, when we heard from Nina...
400
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,000
Yeah. My friend, Nina. Nina, who...
My friend, Nina, called me up.
401
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,800
...that literally
every other member of the cast...
402
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,080
- Every other member.
- ...was coming back except us...
403
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,800
- Yeah.
- Yes. Yes.
404
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,520
...that upset us.
405
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,760
- Yeah.
- Yes. Yeah.
406
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,000
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I understand.
407
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,320
I mean, even you...
408
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,240
...managed to hold on to your role.
409
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,320
Well, I am Simon.
410
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:12,200
Oh, well, who am I, then?
Fucking Spartacus?
411
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,000
But, er... But you're...
you're not an actor.
412
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,480
- No, but I... But I wrote it.
- Ah, f...!
413
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,360
David, David, Vikings!
Vikings, David! Vikings!
414
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,760
- Vikings? Vikings?
- Principles!
415
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,240
- Vikings?
- I could have been a minister!
416
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:28,320
OK, OK. OK, well, let's... Let's just...
417
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,000
Let's just talk about something else
for a minute, OK?
418
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,880
Let's just shake it up. Um...
419
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,160
Simon! What, what were you going to be
when you were young?
420
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,240
A director.
421
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,560
No, I meant...
422
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,000
I meant if, er, that didn't work out.
423
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:43,480
I wanted to be a magician.
424
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,600
(DAVID LAUGHS)
425
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:45,840
Whoa! David!
426
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,520
Ha! David's, um,
trying to learn some tricks.
427
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,520
- Great!
- Were you... Were you any good?
428
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,320
I was, actually. I was... I was...
I was very good!
429
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,200
Yeah? What's that card?
430
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,360
The seven of diamonds.
431
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,560
Oh, fuck you!
432
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,920
All right, all right.
Is there anything we can do
433
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,720
- to help you, Simon?
- Excuse me?
434
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,640
- Help.
- No.
435
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:09,040
No, I don't think so.
436
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,920
No, no, it's not a trick. It's...
We... We just want to help.
437
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,680
We-We just...
We would like to feel useful.
438
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,800
David too?
439
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,040
Spartacus. Hi.
440
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,080
Just, just... What can we do?
What can we do?
441
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:23,360
Come on.
442
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:24,640
What can we do?
443
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,600
I wouldn't say this if you hadn't just...
444
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,560
Two of the actors that
we're considering for David and...
445
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,640
...and Michael,
they've actually reached out to see
446
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,240
if you might make some time to...
447
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,840
...talk to them.
448
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,800
OK. About what?
449
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,720
Er, just to offer some thoughts on your...
450
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,920
...experience making the show.
451
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,320
- Our experiences?
- Mm-hm, yeah.
452
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,840
Of making the show with you?
453
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,400
- If you like.
- Right.
454
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,880
We would...
455
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,040
...be very...
456
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,400
...happy to.
457
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,000
Really?
458
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:06,440
I mean, we're all on the same side.
459
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,920
Well, then I'll...I'll set it up.
460
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,320
- Great.
- I really appreciate it.
461
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,840
No, no, thank you.
462
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,960
That's what we...what we needed,
463
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,360
just to, you know...
A little... Little bit of collaboration.
464
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,120
Hey, maybe you could...give a couple
of notes on the roles too.
465
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,120
- Fuck you!
- I mean, I will...
466
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,280
I will put an axe into your face,
467
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,760
and I will nail your skull
onto the mast of my Viking longship
468
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,720
before I give any actor
another bunch of notes
469
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,760
about how to play David Tennant,
470
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,960
you fucking patronising mollusc!
471
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,360
(MICHAEL GRUNTS)
472
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,200
I think we should just let
our agents talk from here, shouldn't we?
473
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,600
Don't you fucking...!
474
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,480
I didn't even know he had an agent!
475
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,160
Seven of fucking diamonds!
476
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,320
Unbelievable.
477
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:53,680
(MICHAEL GROANS)
478
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:02,080
MICHAEL: I called Simon back
and apologised.
479
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,200
OK, well done.
480
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,600
Told him we'd speak
to those other actors tomorrow.
481
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,320
Oh, Jesus. OK.
482
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:12,400
MICHAEL: Why do you think
we have never made each other this angry?
483
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:16,040
DAVID: Well, because we have
a scintilla of respect for each other.
484
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,600
- Yes.
- Yeah.
485
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,320
Cos we started out as colleagues,
and then we became friends...
486
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,080
And then great friends.
487
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,560
DAVID: Would you say I'm your best friend?
488
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:24,720
MICHAEL: No.
489
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,840
- No?
- No, I don't mean it like that.
490
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,520
No, no, no, no. Fine. I just...
491
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,840
You know, I thought you might take
a bit longer to think about it, but...
492
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,320
Well, am I yours?
493
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,880
- No.
- Well, there we are.
494
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,960
- No, you might have been.
- If what?
495
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,640
If you'd said I was yours.
496
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,200
I've got an older friend.
497
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,120
- I'm old.
- No, I-I mean, I've...
498
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,000
I've got a friend
who I've known for longer.
499
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,320
He lives in New York.
500
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,600
OK.
501
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,360
Yeah, I had a friend once.
502
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,160
Who?
503
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,440
Rather not say.
504
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,000
And you're not friends any more?
505
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,120
No.
506
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,440
So, when you go out to New York,
you're going to see him, are you?
507
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,440
Well, that's why I'm going.
He's getting married.
508
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,160
Oh, well, that's lovely for him.
509
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,520
Well, I'm... I'm the best man.
510
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,080
It was supposed to happen
earlier this year, but...
511
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:10,600
But it all... Yeah.
512
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,880
So, you know, it'll be nice to be there.
513
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:15,640
DAVID: Well, it'll be nice to be anywhere.
514
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:16,720
MICHAEL: Yeah.
515
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:21,440
Anna hasn't been to Sweden in ages.
516
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,680
She's really missing her family.
517
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,040
Well, I'm sure she is, yeah.
518
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:29,920
Hey!
519
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:34,000
Um...
520
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,920
Four of diamonds.
521
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,720
Oh!
522
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:39,760
We should quit.
523
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,320
Magic is harder than it looks.
524
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,080
Oh, God, I hate magic.
525
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,520
Oh, maybe we could ask Simon for help.
526
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,520
Ah-hmm!
527
00:21:47,570 --> 00:21:52,120
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