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(BIRDSONG)
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Michael?
3
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- Michael?
- David!
4
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- You all right?
- Give me a minute.
5
00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:13,800
What are you doing now?
6
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I worry that I'm in a Hitchcock film.
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What do you mean?
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The birds...are coming back
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to Port Talbot.
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That's nice.
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And a large blue finch is the leader,
it seems.
12
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You all right?
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Just adjusting. You all right?
14
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- Cachu hwch!
- Cachu hwch!
15
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- Cachu hwch!
- Cachu hwch!
16
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Cachu hwch!
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(WELSH ACCENT) Total bloomin' disaster.
18
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Look, for those of you just joining us,
welcome to my house.
19
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Welcome to my kitchen.
20
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,000
I've been in prison here
for half a year.
21
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I'm done with Zoom,
if I'm being honest with you.
22
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But I'm here now with two people
who've actually made it work,
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Michael Sheen and David Tennant.
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Or should that be David Tennant
and Michael Sheen?
25
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Ah!
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This is Romesh Ranganathan's
6 Months In Lockdown,
27
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a celebration of the wonderful things
that have basically got us through
28
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this challenging period.
29
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Michael and David are here to talk
to us about their BBC show, Staged.
30
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- Thank you for having us.
- Lovely to be here.
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And still with us, of course,
Sir Michael Palin,
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who waited for Godot in an online
reading of the Beckett classic.
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I meant to ask, Sir Michael,
did Godot ever arrive?
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No, no. We're still waiting.
35
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OK, well, while you wait,
David and Michael,
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massive congratulations on the show.
37
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- I have to say that contractually.
- Thank you.
38
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- But genuinely, I mean it. Very funny.
- Thanks very much. Cheers.
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First question, I guess,
is what's real and what's not?
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Like, is Simon that much of an idiot?
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N-Nooo...
42
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Noooo...
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Michael does shout at birds.
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Well, I have a bird's nest for hair,
so it helps to be courteous.
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But it was a television show.
46
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It was a television show. Yes.
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So, I mean, does Simon's sister
own that house?
48
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No.
49
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Because I'm available.
50
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,200
No. She's an actress, I'm afraid.
51
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I am absolutely not available.
52
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Er, so there's no screaming in fields?
53
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Only on a Sunday.
54
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No production of Pirandello?
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- Thank the Lord, no!
- Mm.
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So what, no screenplay, no novel?
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No carrots, no pineapples. None of it.
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It did feel real.
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Well, thank you very much.
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How much of it was actually improvised?
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All of it.
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Well, that... That does come up a lot.
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Was there actually a script, then?
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There were...ideas.
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And then, you know, we would
play around with it quite a lot.
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Not...not everything made it
into the cut, though.
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No, there are hours of footage somewhere
of us not being particularly funny.
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So what gold did we lose
to the cutting-room floor?
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Well, there was one moment where,
quite memorably,
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David accused me of being
a cut-price Mike Yarwood.
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Right. Is that funny?
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Well, no.
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I don't think I actually know
who Mike Yarwood is.
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Ah! You see? I told you, didn't I?
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- I told you!
- I don't believe you.
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I don't believe...
He's... He's a comedy titan!
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So, Romesh, this is...
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You've hit the nail
on the comedy head there because
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most of David's contributions
80
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were based on these sort of
bizarre, obscure references.
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00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,480
Yeah. Well, that's why they're cut.
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I'm a little too intellectual
for primetime.
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And not funny.
84
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Well, at least I didn't resort
to lazy Muppet impressions, did I?
85
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There was nothing lazy
about my Muppet!
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I was exhausted!
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Do you know who Mike Yarwood is,
Sir Michael?
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Yeah, I actually know Mike Yarwood.
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Really? I didn't realise
he was still, um...working.
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Yeah. He must be 80 now. He...
91
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...in the '70s made a Christmas special
92
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that's still the most watched
television show in British history.
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- I did not know that.
- Over 20 million people.
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Wow.
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How many did...did Staged get?
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Er, Michael?
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Um...
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Pff, less.
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- Well, let's have another clip.
- Aye.
100
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- Great.
- Lovely.
101
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And we're off.
This one's a couple of minutes.
102
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OK. Which one is it?
103
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It's, er, cookie jar.
104
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Mmm. We've seen them all quite a lot now.
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Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, I imagine
Sir Michael's a step ahead there.
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- Yes!
- Yeah.
107
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Sir Michael, how many dead parrots
do you reckon you've seen in your time?
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Oh, a few!
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What is the collective noun
for dead parrots?
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A Norwegian blue.
111
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A sunken fjord!
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A macaw.
113
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Er, Sir Michael, any ideas,
collective noun for dead parrots?
114
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A humiliation?
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(MICHAEL AND DAVID CHUCKLE)
116
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Have you guys met Sir Michael before?
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- No, I don't think so, no.
- MICHAEL: Yes.
118
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Have we? Er, well, just a few times.
119
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Er, when?
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We were on Jonathan Ross together.
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Oh, yes.
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Huge fan, obviously. Huge fan.
123
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Er, have you seen Staged, Sir Michael?
124
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Yeah. Yeah, I've watched a couple.
125
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,200
Have you? Which ones?
126
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,680
The first one.
127
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,440
- Did you like it?
- Loved it.
128
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- Yeah! Great.
- Thank goodness for that.
129
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For what it was, you know.
130
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(AUDIO CONNECTION BEEPS)
131
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And we're back.
132
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Er, that was BBC One's
lockdown comedy Staged.
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David and Michael,
you said the story is fictional,
134
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- but what about your characters?
- Oh...
135
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,240
- Total fabrication.
- Nothing like us at all!
136
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,040
Not... Not a scintilla.
137
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No, I mean, I don't think
we're very funny in real life.
138
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Well, I don't think you're funny.
I'm funny.
139
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Sure, obviously.
140
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,960
I just mean we're not...
we're not comedians.
141
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Ah, you're still young.
142
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(ALL LAUGH)
143
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And I don't wear that grey hoodie
every day.
144
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No, and I am much better
at taking criticism.
145
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I'm not sure that's true.
146
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What?!
147
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Er... How do you deal with criticism,
Sir Michael?
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Oh, I lash out savagely.
149
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,720
- Cool.
- Right...
150
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:56,080
David, you got some amazing guest stars
for this.
151
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,360
How did you get them?
152
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I think... What with lockdown,
I think we had the advantage
153
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that everyone was in the same boat,
you know.
154
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Everyone was sat on their sofa at home.
155
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What, so you...?
What, you just asked them?
156
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Yeah, I think
everyone was looking for a diversion.
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Yeah, well, you certainly enjoy
a good diversion, don't you, David?
158
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,720
- Oh, my Go... I love a diversion.
- Yeah.
159
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,120
I... I live for diversion.
160
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:18,160
I mean, obviously I love being locked
in the house with my wife and kids
161
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but I...I have to stay active, yeah.
162
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,720
And is that the same for you, Michael?
163
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:25,040
Yes, I love being locked in the house
with David's wife and kids.
164
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- Yes, he does.
- Don't we all?
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00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:27,440
Yeah...
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And what's next for you guys?
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I'm back to proper work, actually.
168
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A show that I was working on
before lockdown is revving back up,
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- so I'm off out to South Africa.
- Very nice.
170
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,040
We've had a couple of false starts,
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but I think this is finally it
and I am flying tomorrow.
172
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Great. And, Michael?
I don't do proper work any more.
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So I'm off to New York
to see family and friends.
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Right. Travel allowing, I imagine.
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Oh, no, it'll be fine.
I believe...it will be fine.
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Yeah, of course. Of course.
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Sir Michael, do you reckon you would
have done Staged if they'd asked you?
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Oh, no, I couldn't have kept up!
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00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,400
(DAVID AND MICHAEL CHUCKLE)
180
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,080
No improvisation in Monty Python?
181
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,880
No, we were quite disciplined.
182
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:06,120
- Right.
- You know, we just worked on it,
183
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,920
in the writing.
Followed the script. You know.
184
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Respected the craft.
185
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That wasn't the Staged approach.
186
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,360
No!
187
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,840
Although, I mean,
I do think some quite brave stuff
188
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,160
has come out of that more
189
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,800
- sort of improvisatory approach.
- Do you?
190
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,640
Er, Michael, David,
we've got another clip,
191
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,640
but first, one more question.
192
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,000
Er, I think you know
what I'm going to ask.
193
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,160
Er, any chance of another series?
194
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,360
I mean, it was so
195
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,240
- specific to that moment, wasn't it?
- Yeah.
196
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,800
It was so about being
locked in your house and...
197
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,800
I mean, hopefully we're not going to go
into another lockdown.
198
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,600
- Well, exactly.
- But...
199
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,120
But having said that,
if there was a way of doing it...
200
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,800
- Yeah.
- ...for me, it would definitely be a yes.
201
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,440
I mean, it was a joy to do, so, I mean...
202
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,040
It was such good fun, yeah.
203
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,280
OK. So I'm going to take that
as a really waffley yes.
204
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,120
Yeah, I suppose so.
205
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,000
It's a great big Welsh waffley yes
from me.
206
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,360
Well, on that, here's a clip of some
other strange and wonderful things
207
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,920
people have made through all of this.
208
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,320
OK, we're out. This one's a little bit
longer - it's about three minutes -
209
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,200
so I'm just going to nip
to the toilet, guys, all right?
210
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,800
- Sure.
- Great stuff. See you in a sec.
211
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,160
I hope you don't think I was, um,
212
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,680
dismissing the Python approach.
213
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,520
Oh, God, no. No, not at all.
214
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,880
Good. Cos, I mean, it was so important
to me when I was growing up.
215
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,040
I'm such a fan.
216
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,800
I didn't really like Staged.
217
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,920
(TOILET FLUSHES)
218
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,000
OK.
219
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,920
I don't really like improvisation.
220
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,480
All these people
sort of rolling the comedy dice
221
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,320
and hoping something sticks.
222
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,120
Right. No, I understand.
223
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:45,520
We worked hard in our day.
224
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,480
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT)
Waking up before I went to bed.
225
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,480
Yeah, yeah.
That was one of Eric's great lines.
226
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,440
DAVID: Er, I think we...
227
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,720
It's not... You know, it's not that
we didn't... We worked hard too.
228
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,160
Oh, I'm sure you did.
229
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,360
You squatted down,
you pushed very hard
230
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,400
and you squeezed something out.
231
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,960
In the gap between podcasts.
232
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,680
Well, I mean, people do like it.
233
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,480
(QUIETLY) Fuck you.
234
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,040
Now this well-practised,
self-congratulatory back-and-forth
235
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,360
because people want to celebrate
your used toilet paper again.
236
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,520
I'm... I'm a fan of yours.
237
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,440
It was like a 30-minute
Celtic reach-around.
238
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,960
- Whoa!
- No, David...
239
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,800
The episodes are only 15 minutes.
240
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,040
- All right?
- Yep. Fine.
241
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,160
Cool. We've got about another minute.
242
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,080
- OK. We'll be ready!
- Wicked. All right, see you in a sec.
243
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,080
I think you're being a bit unkind,
actually.
244
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,760
We made Python 50 years ago.
245
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,840
Yeah, and it's a bit dated.
246
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,240
- Oh, David!
- They still talk about us now.
247
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:44,960
- I know.
- But they won't talk about you.
248
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,880
- Why not?
- Because you're not funny.
249
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,040
Oh, God. Sorry about that, guys.
250
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,360
David, Michael, all PR aside,
251
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,320
are you going to do a second series,
do you reckon?
252
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,240
- Unlikely. No.
- Wouldn't have thought so.
253
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:58,320
Honestly? Why not?
254
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,400
- Well, we're not funny, are we?
- Aw.
255
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,400
(AUDIO CONNECTION BEEPS)
256
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,200
That's a shame.
257
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,160
And we're back.
258
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:11,080
What's going on?
259
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,480
Yeah, I've got a suitcase here.
260
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,520
And a passport.
261
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,480
You're joking?
262
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,400
You aren't. And they want...?
263
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,160
DAVID: This is...interesting.
264
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,440
This is interesting.
265
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,680
But OK, let me just get...
266
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,160
Just so I understand, it's not...
We're not talking about a second series,
267
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,680
we're talking about a remake?
268
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,000
For American television.
269
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,680
American Staged?
270
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,680
MICHAEL: Staged: America!
271
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,520
What do you think?
272
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,800
(BREATHES IN) I don't know.
273
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,440
I mean,
I suppose I have some questions.
274
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:56,800
MICHAEL: Where would they shoot it?
275
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,840
DAVID: It's not an American remake
unless we're actually in America, is it?
276
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,120
MICHAEL: Alan loves my American accent.
277
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:06,200
I can do both Dakotas and both Portlands.
278
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,600
DAVID: I mean, I could certainly do
with a blast of Californian sunshine
279
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,320
right about now.
280
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:15,520
But isn't it a bit...unnecessary?
281
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:18,200
Why don't they just show
the episodes we've already made?
282
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,280
Let me think about it.
283
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,680
Yeah, let me think about it.
284
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,400
- MICHAEL: When do we need to decide?
- DAVID: When do they need an answer?
285
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,200
I'm flying to New York tomorrow.
286
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:30,800
Yeah, I'm literally
about to leave for the airport.
287
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,000
- I'll need to talk to Michael.
- I'll need to talk to David.
288
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,560
- I have news.
- Yep, me too.
289
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,960
- What's your news?
- What's your news?
290
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,640
- You're not pregnant, are you?
- What? No!
291
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,880
I mean, it's not an unreasonable question.
292
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,520
What's your news?
293
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:07,280
They want to do an American remake
of Staged.
294
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,720
- Oh!
- Hm.
295
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,280
- With you?
- Yeah
296
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,080
How do you feel about that?
297
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,640
I dunno.
298
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,880
Well, you liked it last time.
299
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:17,280
I did, yeah.
300
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:21,520
But I want to do new things, you know.
I want to do South African things.
301
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,640
What's your news?
302
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,800
Flights to South Africa
have been cancelled.
303
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,000
- Oh, you're kidding!
- No.
304
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,000
- Oh, cock-a-doodle-bum-tits. Not again!
- Yeah.
305
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,240
- What's the plan?
- Er, watch this space.
306
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,160
- I fucking hate this space.
- I know.
307
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,440
- I just want to work.
- I know.
308
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,960
- Learnt my lines.
- Well, you read your lines.
309
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,720
- I read them really hard.
- You read them out loud.
310
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,120
- You tell the kids.
- You tell the kids.
311
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,200
- Ha!
- Fuck it!
312
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,600
- They will not be happy.
- They won't mind.
313
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,880
Because all they would've been doing
was schooling
314
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,160
while I was on set
and they were hanging around.
315
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:07,320
Yeah. Home-schooling in 30-degree heat,
with sandy beaches and palm trees,
316
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,600
after months of this.
317
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,880
- They'll understand.
- No, they won't. They'll bite.
318
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,920
They won't bite. Children don't bite.
319
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,200
- Ours do.
- They don't...
320
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,800
...so much any more.
321
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,520
So, Staged: America.
322
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:24,960
Do you think I'm funny?
323
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,560
I think you do and say funny things.
324
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,040
That is wilfully opaque.
325
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,120
I just want to do new things.
326
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,520
Have you spoken to Michael?
327
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,720
No.
328
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,080
All right, so pros and cons.
329
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,920
Yeah? Pros - I really want to work.
330
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,760
Con - Michael Palin
doesn't think we're funny.
331
00:13:55,800 --> 00:14:00,000
I mean, I say things
which sometimes are funny.
332
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,360
Give me a funny anecdote.
333
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,920
I haven't had a funny anecdote in months.
334
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,480
Con - we'd be doing the same old thing.
335
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:07,560
Can you think of a pro, please?
336
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,000
Er...
337
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,200
Pfff!
338
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,160
I have a soft spot for America.
339
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,360
Do you?
340
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,040
I used to be able to name all the states.
It was my party trick.
341
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,720
Would you do it alphabetically or...?
342
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,280
Percentage tree coverage.
343
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,360
I could do close-up magic.
344
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:24,480
When I started out, I reached out to Mary
and I said, "Get me to America."
345
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:25,680
Do you know how long it took
346
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,080
- before I had a job in America?
- I do not.
347
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,640
- Nine weeks.
- Right.
348
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,160
Do you know how long it took
349
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,120
- for the Mayflower to reach America?
- I do not.
350
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,040
- Ten weeks.
- Very good. Excellent.
351
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,880
And your point through this is...?
352
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,840
That I wanted it more
than the Pilgrim Fathers.
353
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,400
Ah, well, there you go.
354
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:43,880
So, pro column - I really want to work,
you like America.
355
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:44,920
Yeah.
356
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,040
And in the cons...
357
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,400
Michael Palin doesn't think we're funny.
358
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,200
Are we funny?
359
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:52,800
I don't know.
360
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,960
- Can we ask another Python?
- Which one?
361
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,560
Eric Idle? He seems nice.
362
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,080
- Michael Palin seemed nice!
- Yeah.
363
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,560
I like the landscape of America.
364
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,360
Mmm. Me too.
365
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,920
Always really fancied myself
in a cowboy film.
366
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,280
Oh-ho-ho, yes.
367
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,200
What would your horse be called?
368
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,160
Sheen.
369
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,960
Aww!
370
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,280
- Oh, hey, Anna!
- Oh. Hi, David.
371
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,560
Aren't you supposed to be flying?
372
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,440
Oh, not today!
373
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,040
Oh, no.
374
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,120
You ready for New York?
375
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,720
Yeah, just packing. But...
376
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,440
...can you talk to Michael
about his legs?
377
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,920
I would love to.
378
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,280
He says they're too chunky.
379
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,320
Chunky!
380
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:41,040
Hm, so he refuses to pack shorts.
381
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,880
I see. Right. Right.
382
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,040
Do you wear shorts?
383
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,560
Almost exclusively.
384
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,800
Do you think I'm funny?
385
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,040
- Funny?
- Amusing. Comedic.
386
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,160
- What, in shorts?
- No! In...just...
387
00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,280
...real life! Am I a funny person?
388
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,400
You make me laugh.
389
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,360
Yeah.
390
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,920
- Michael, come on.
- No.
391
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,000
- Wear shorts.
- No.
392
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,240
- Why not?
- They make my crotch...
393
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,240
...too free.
394
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,920
Oh, fuck it,
shall we just go to America?
395
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,280
Yeah?
396
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,200
Yeah. I mean, I do and say funny things,
397
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,200
you have comedically chunky legs -
that's enough.
398
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,320
We are funny.
399
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,440
Oh, we're fucking hilarious.
400
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:30,760
Back to work!
401
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,080
Staged: America!
402
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,960
Staged: America!
403
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,240
(TEXAN ACCENT) Come on, Sheen! Krwk!
404
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,760
Er, no. Hey, no...
405
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,040
I'm going to ride you
all the way to America, boy!
406
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,280
You are not riding me anywhere,
matey!
407
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,440
Saddle up, Sheeny!
408
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,720
I have put the last saddle on my back
for you, mate.
409
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,560
(PRESENTERS' VOICES)
"David Tennant as David Tennant."
410
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,200
"Michael Sheen as Michael Sheen."
411
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,360
Do you think they'll do that thing -
412
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,240
in American sitcoms, when you come on,
you get a round of applause?
413
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,640
Yeah, I always applaud you
whenever you come on, anyway.
414
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,600
- Thank you, yeah.
- I do it in my living room.
415
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,920
I love it. We made a thing.
Let's go to America and do it again.
416
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,320
Yeah. And do you know what? One day,
we will bump into Michael Palin
417
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,400
at some glitzy fancy dress party,
418
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:16,000
and he will say, "I utterly misjudged you,
you clown gods."
419
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,000
Yes! Down on your knees, Palin!
420
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,760
- Bask in our comedy!
- Yeah.
421
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,600
Suck on our comedy, Palin!
422
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,960
Suck my python, Monty!
423
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,480
We'll be invaluable again!
424
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,000
Because you know what? You and I
are masters of our destinies.
425
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,280
- Kings of the hills!
- Tops of the morning!
426
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,000
- Docks of the bay!
- Yes!
427
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,320
They're going to fucking love us!
428
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,160
AMERICAN VOICE:
They don't want you.
429
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:38,440
What?
430
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,520
Either of you.
431
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,600
Right.
432
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,280
Now, they love the show,
433
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,720
but they're going to recast
for the American market.
434
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,600
That is, er, bad news.
435
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,680
Oh, I know.
436
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,000
When did you know this?
437
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,400
Well, the email just arrived.
438
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,440
Well...
439
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,200
S-so who is doing it, then?
440
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:59,400
- Well, it's only rumours.
- Who?
441
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:00,800
Colin Firth and Hugh Grant.
442
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:06,040
Colin Firth and Hugh Grant?!
443
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,000
- That's just what I'm hearing.
- They're not American!
444
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,680
- Doesn't matter.
- They're more British than we are!
445
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,600
Yes, but they're known in America.
446
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,040
I'm known in America!
447
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,080
They're known better.
448
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,240
(SIGHS)
449
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,760
Can we do something about that?
450
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,000
- Like what?
- I don't... (SIGHS)
451
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,800
What... What else does the email say?
452
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,440
It says they have
a lot of respect for you both,
453
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,080
and they want leads
with more US recognition,
454
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,840
and a pair who are more believable
as friends.
455
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,480
Sorry?! We are actually friends!
456
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,760
Yes, but nobody's buying it.
457
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,200
Can we do something about that?
458
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,240
Like what?
459
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,760
We could...we could make a TV commercial.
460
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,680
- About what?
- About us, doing friend things.
461
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:51,800
Um, eating pizza together,
laughing in a car park...
462
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,480
Child, that'll just scare people, come on.
463
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:57,520
And they also want people
with more comedic experience.
464
00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:58,840
- I'm funny.
- I know.
465
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,040
I mean, Colin Firth is not funny.
466
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,560
I'm fu... Knock, knock.
467
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,520
You're still on as executive producer.
468
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,200
- Knock, knock!
- With Simon.
469
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,160
Simon?
470
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:12,080
Yes, he's still involved!
471
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,640
- Doing what?!
- Rewrites!
472
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:17,920
Is he in America?
473
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,720
- I assume so.
- (SIGHS)
474
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,120
Listen, I didn't think you were
in a rush to get back to work.
475
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:26,120
I'm not! It's just
David got me all excited about this.
476
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,320
I thought you were David.
477
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,120
No, I'm Michael.
478
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,280
Kalisa.
479
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:37,320
Mary?
480
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,120
You need to get me David on the phone.
481
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,040
- That is David.
- No, that's... No.
482
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,200
That's the other one.
483
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:43,640
On it now.
484
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,400
- OK.
- What's the other one's phone?
485
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:46,840
I'll do it my... I'll do it myself!
486
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,040
- Gotta go. Bye!
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)
487
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,400
Hugh Grant.
488
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,000
DAVID: OK, choose a card.
489
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,520
MICHAEL: People don't think
we're believable as friends!
490
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:00,720
DAVID: I know. I heard.
491
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,440
The Palin thing hurt,
but that is a gut punch.
492
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,880
Why... Why is that?
493
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,960
I suppose they've only ever heard us
speak other people's lines, haven't they?
494
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,480
Anna keeps telling me
I'm dropping into character.
495
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:14,040
Yes! Georgia says exactly the same
to me about me!
496
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,840
- Right, yeah.
- I keep having to say to her,
497
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,360
"No, you cannae..."
498
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,840
- That doesn't...
- That doesn't...
499
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,520
- You can't say that because that's...
- That's who I am!
500
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:21,600
- I am that person.
- That's me!
501
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,440
- Exactly! Yeah!
- I can't be anything else!
502
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,520
You can't say I'm dropping into character
when I'm the character!
503
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,080
Say something now.
Say something that's authentically you.
504
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,680
MICHAEL: My flights to New York
are cancelled.
505
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,920
DAVID: Oh, the world starts,
the world stops. It's arbitrary, isn't it?
506
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:45,920
"As flies to wanton boys
are we to the gods."
507
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,480
- Can we not?
- Quite right.
508
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,400
- OK.
- Yeah, got it?
509
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,600
OK, hold it up.
I don't want to see it,
510
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,120
but hold it up, back facing to me.
511
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,560
We're going to be like this
for a while yet, aren't we?
512
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:06,160
- How do you mean?
- Staring at a screen.
513
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,240
- Hoping for a miracle.
- Oh, yeah.
514
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,520
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
515
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,760
Maybe we could start a magic act.
516
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,000
(LAUGHS)
517
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,600
(PRESENTER'S VOICE)
"The amazing Michael Sheen
518
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,400
"and the Scottish David Tennant."
519
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,840
- Three of diamonds.
- No.
520
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,280
Fuck.
521
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:28,840
Four of diamonds.
522
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:30,800
That was close -
it was the two of diamonds.
523
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,760
- Oh, you see? I was so close!
- I mean...
524
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,720
Close enough for jazz.
Not close enough for magic.
525
00:21:35,770 --> 00:21:40,320
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