Original subtitles

(BIRDSONG)

Michael?

- Michael? - David!

- You all right? - Give me a minute.

What are you doing now?

I worry that I'm in a Hitchcock film.

What do you mean?

The birds...are coming back

to Port Talbot.

That's nice.

And a large blue finch is the leader, it seems.

You all right?

Just adjusting. You all right?

- Cachu hwch! - Cachu hwch!

- Cachu hwch! - Cachu hwch!

Cachu hwch!

(WELSH ACCENT) Total bloomin' disaster.

Look, for those of you just joining us, welcome to my house.

Welcome to my kitchen.

I've been in prison here for half a year.

I'm done with Zoom, if I'm being honest with you.

But I'm here now with two people who've actually made it work,

Michael Sheen and David Tennant.

Or should that be David Tennant and Michael Sheen?

Ah!

This is Romesh Ranganathan's 6 Months In Lockdown,

a celebration of the wonderful things that have basically got us through

this challenging period.

Michael and David are here to talk to us about their BBC show, Staged.

- Thank you for having us. - Lovely to be here.

And still with us, of course, Sir Michael Palin,

who waited for Godot in an online reading of the Beckett classic.

I meant to ask, Sir Michael, did Godot ever arrive?

No, no. We're still waiting.

OK, well, while you wait, David and Michael,

massive congratulations on the show.

- I have to say that contractually. - Thank you.

- But genuinely, I mean it. Very funny. - Thanks very much. Cheers.

First question, I guess, is what's real and what's not?

Like, is Simon that much of an idiot?

N-Nooo...

Noooo...

Michael does shout at birds.

Well, I have a bird's nest for hair, so it helps to be courteous.

But it was a television show.

It was a television show. Yes.

So, I mean, does Simon's sister own that house?

No.

Because I'm available.

No. She's an actress, I'm afraid.

I am absolutely not available.

Er, so there's no screaming in fields?

Only on a Sunday.

No production of Pirandello?

- Thank the Lord, no! - Mm.

So what, no screenplay, no novel?

No carrots, no pineapples. None of it.

It did feel real.

Well, thank you very much.

How much of it was actually improvised?

All of it.

Well, that... That does come up a lot.

Was there actually a script, then?

There were...ideas.

And then, you know, we would play around with it quite a lot.

Not...not everything made it into the cut, though.

No, there are hours of footage somewhere of us not being particularly funny.

So what gold did we lose to the cutting-room floor?

Well, there was one moment where, quite memorably,

David accused me of being a cut-price Mike Yarwood.

Right. Is that funny?

Well, no.

I don't think I actually know who Mike Yarwood is.

Ah! You see? I told you, didn't I?

- I told you! - I don't believe you.

I don't believe... He's... He's a comedy titan!

So, Romesh, this is...

You've hit the nail on the comedy head there because

most of David's contributions

were based on these sort of bizarre, obscure references.

Yeah. Well, that's why they're cut.

I'm a little too intellectual for primetime.

And not funny.

Well, at least I didn't resort to lazy Muppet impressions, did I?

There was nothing lazy about my Muppet!

I was exhausted!

Do you know who Mike Yarwood is, Sir Michael?

Yeah, I actually know Mike Yarwood.

Really? I didn't realise he was still, um...working.

Yeah. He must be 80 now. He...

...in the '70s made a Christmas special

that's still the most watched television show in British history.

- I did not know that. - Over 20 million people.

Wow.

How many did...did Staged get?

Er, Michael?

Um...

Pff, less.

- Well, let's have another clip. - Aye.

- Great. - Lovely.

And we're off. This one's a couple of minutes.

OK. Which one is it?

It's, er, cookie jar.

Mmm. We've seen them all quite a lot now.

Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, I imagine Sir Michael's a step ahead there.

- Yes! - Yeah.

Sir Michael, how many dead parrots do you reckon you've seen in your time?

Oh, a few!

What is the collective noun for dead parrots?

A Norwegian blue.

A sunken fjord!

A macaw.

Er, Sir Michael, any ideas, collective noun for dead parrots?

A humiliation?

(MICHAEL AND DAVID CHUCKLE)

Have you guys met Sir Michael before?

- No, I don't think so, no. - MICHAEL: Yes.

Have we? Er, well, just a few times.

Er, when?

We were on Jonathan Ross together.

Oh, yes.

Huge fan, obviously. Huge fan.

Er, have you seen Staged, Sir Michael?

Yeah. Yeah, I've watched a couple.

Have you? Which ones?

The first one.

- Did you like it? - Loved it.

- Yeah! Great. - Thank goodness for that.

For what it was, you know.

(AUDIO CONNECTION BEEPS)

And we're back.

Er, that was BBC One's lockdown comedy Staged.

David and Michael, you said the story is fictional,

- but what about your characters? - Oh...

- Total fabrication. - Nothing like us at all!

Not... Not a scintilla.

No, I mean, I don't think we're very funny in real life.

Well, I don't think you're funny. I'm funny.

Sure, obviously.

I just mean we're not... we're not comedians.

Ah, you're still young.

(ALL LAUGH)

And I don't wear that grey hoodie every day.

No, and I am much better at taking criticism.

I'm not sure that's true.

What?!

Er... How do you deal with criticism, Sir Michael?

Oh, I lash out savagely.

- Cool. - Right...

David, you got some amazing guest stars for this.

How did you get them?

I think... What with lockdown, I think we had the advantage

that everyone was in the same boat, you know.

Everyone was sat on their sofa at home.

What, so you...? What, you just asked them?

Yeah, I think everyone was looking for a diversion.

Yeah, well, you certainly enjoy a good diversion, don't you, David?

- Oh, my Go... I love a diversion. - Yeah.

I... I live for diversion.

I mean, obviously I love being locked in the house with my wife and kids

but I...I have to stay active, yeah.

And is that the same for you, Michael?

Yes, I love being locked in the house with David's wife and kids.

- Yes, he does. - Don't we all?

Yeah...

And what's next for you guys?

I'm back to proper work, actually.

A show that I was working on before lockdown is revving back up,

- so I'm off out to South Africa. - Very nice.

We've had a couple of false starts,

but I think this is finally it and I am flying tomorrow.

Great. And, Michael? I don't do proper work any more.

So I'm off to New York to see family and friends.

Right. Travel allowing, I imagine.

Oh, no, it'll be fine. I believe...it will be fine.

Yeah, of course. Of course.

Sir Michael, do you reckon you would have done Staged if they'd asked you?

Oh, no, I couldn't have kept up!

(DAVID AND MICHAEL CHUCKLE)

No improvisation in Monty Python?

No, we were quite disciplined.

- Right. - You know, we just worked on it,

in the writing. Followed the script. You know.

Respected the craft.

That wasn't the Staged approach.

No!

Although, I mean, I do think some quite brave stuff

has come out of that more

- sort of improvisatory approach. - Do you?

Er, Michael, David, we've got another clip,

but first, one more question.

Er, I think you know what I'm going to ask.

Er, any chance of another series?

I mean, it was so

- specific to that moment, wasn't it? - Yeah.

It was so about being locked in your house and...

I mean, hopefully we're not going to go into another lockdown.

- Well, exactly. - But...

But having said that, if there was a way of doing it...

- Yeah. - ...for me, it would definitely be a yes.

I mean, it was a joy to do, so, I mean...

It was such good fun, yeah.

OK. So I'm going to take that as a really waffley yes.

Yeah, I suppose so.

It's a great big Welsh waffley yes from me.

Well, on that, here's a clip of some other strange and wonderful things

people have made through all of this.

OK, we're out. This one's a little bit longer - it's about three minutes -

so I'm just going to nip to the toilet, guys, all right?

- Sure. - Great stuff. See you in a sec.

I hope you don't think I was, um,

dismissing the Python approach.

Oh, God, no. No, not at all.

Good. Cos, I mean, it was so important to me when I was growing up.

I'm such a fan.

I didn't really like Staged.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

OK.

I don't really like improvisation.

All these people sort of rolling the comedy dice

and hoping something sticks.

Right. No, I understand.

We worked hard in our day.

(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Waking up before I went to bed.

Yeah, yeah. That was one of Eric's great lines.

DAVID: Er, I think we...

It's not... You know, it's not that we didn't... We worked hard too.

Oh, I'm sure you did.

You squatted down, you pushed very hard

and you squeezed something out.

In the gap between podcasts.

Well, I mean, people do like it.

(QUIETLY) Fuck you.

Now this well-practised, self-congratulatory back-and-forth

because people want to celebrate your used toilet paper again.

I'm... I'm a fan of yours.

It was like a 30-minute Celtic reach-around.

- Whoa! - No, David...

The episodes are only 15 minutes.

- All right? - Yep. Fine.

Cool. We've got about another minute.

- OK. We'll be ready! - Wicked. All right, see you in a sec.

I think you're being a bit unkind, actually.

We made Python 50 years ago.

Yeah, and it's a bit dated.

- Oh, David! - They still talk about us now.

- I know. - But they won't talk about you.

- Why not? - Because you're not funny.

Oh, God. Sorry about that, guys.

David, Michael, all PR aside,

are you going to do a second series, do you reckon?

- Unlikely. No. - Wouldn't have thought so.

Honestly? Why not?

- Well, we're not funny, are we? - Aw.

(AUDIO CONNECTION BEEPS)

That's a shame.

And we're back.

What's going on?

Yeah, I've got a suitcase here.

And a passport.

You're joking?

You aren't. And they want...?

DAVID: This is...interesting.

This is interesting.

But OK, let me just get...

Just so I understand, it's not... We're not talking about a second series,

we're talking about a remake?

For American television.

American Staged?

MICHAEL: Staged: America!

What do you think?

(BREATHES IN) I don't know.

I mean, I suppose I have some questions.

MICHAEL: Where would they shoot it?

DAVID: It's not an American remake unless we're actually in America, is it?

MICHAEL: Alan loves my American accent.

I can do both Dakotas and both Portlands.

DAVID: I mean, I could certainly do with a blast of Californian sunshine

right about now.

But isn't it a bit...unnecessary?

Why don't they just show the episodes we've already made?

Let me think about it.

Yeah, let me think about it.

- MICHAEL: When do we need to decide? - DAVID: When do they need an answer?

I'm flying to New York tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm literally about to leave for the airport.

- I'll need to talk to Michael. - I'll need to talk to David.

- I have news. - Yep, me too.

- What's your news? - What's your news?

- You're not pregnant, are you? - What? No!

I mean, it's not an unreasonable question.

What's your news?

They want to do an American remake of Staged.

- Oh! - Hm.

- With you? - Yeah

How do you feel about that?

I dunno.

Well, you liked it last time.

I did, yeah.

But I want to do new things, you know. I want to do South African things.

What's your news?

Flights to South Africa have been cancelled.

- Oh, you're kidding! - No.

- Oh, cock-a-doodle-bum-tits. Not again! - Yeah.

- What's the plan? - Er, watch this space.

- I fucking hate this space. - I know.

- I just want to work. - I know.

- Learnt my lines. - Well, you read your lines.

- I read them really hard. - You read them out loud.

- You tell the kids. - You tell the kids.

- Ha! - Fuck it!

- They will not be happy. - They won't mind.

Because all they would've been doing was schooling

while I was on set and they were hanging around.

Yeah. Home-schooling in 30-degree heat, with sandy beaches and palm trees,

after months of this.

- They'll understand. - No, they won't. They'll bite.

They won't bite. Children don't bite.

- Ours do. - They don't...

...so much any more.

So, Staged: America.

Do you think I'm funny?

I think you do and say funny things.

That is wilfully opaque.

I just want to do new things.

Have you spoken to Michael?

No.

All right, so pros and cons.

Yeah? Pros - I really want to work.

Con - Michael Palin doesn't think we're funny.

I mean, I say things which sometimes are funny.

Give me a funny anecdote.

I haven't had a funny anecdote in months.

Con - we'd be doing the same old thing.

Can you think of a pro, please?

Er...

Pfff!

I have a soft spot for America.

Do you?

I used to be able to name all the states. It was my party trick.

Would you do it alphabetically or...?

Percentage tree coverage.

I could do close-up magic.

When I started out, I reached out to Mary and I said, "Get me to America."

Do you know how long it took

- before I had a job in America? - I do not.

- Nine weeks. - Right.

Do you know how long it took

- for the Mayflower to reach America? - I do not.

- Ten weeks. - Very good. Excellent.

And your point through this is...?

That I wanted it more than the Pilgrim Fathers.

Ah, well, there you go.

So, pro column - I really want to work, you like America.

Yeah.

And in the cons...

Michael Palin doesn't think we're funny.

Are we funny?

I don't know.

- Can we ask another Python? - Which one?

Eric Idle? He seems nice.

- Michael Palin seemed nice! - Yeah.

I like the landscape of America.

Mmm. Me too.

Always really fancied myself in a cowboy film.

Oh-ho-ho, yes.

What would your horse be called?

Sheen.

Aww!

- Oh, hey, Anna! - Oh. Hi, David.

Aren't you supposed to be flying?

Oh, not today!

Oh, no.

You ready for New York?

Yeah, just packing. But...

...can you talk to Michael about his legs?

I would love to.

He says they're too chunky.

Chunky!

Hm, so he refuses to pack shorts.

I see. Right. Right.

Do you wear shorts?

Almost exclusively.

Do you think I'm funny?

- Funny? - Amusing. Comedic.

- What, in shorts? - No! In...just...

...real life! Am I a funny person?

You make me laugh.

Yeah.

- Michael, come on. - No.

- Wear shorts. - No.

- Why not? - They make my crotch...

...too free.

Oh, fuck it, shall we just go to America?

Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, I do and say funny things,

you have comedically chunky legs - that's enough.

We are funny.

Oh, we're fucking hilarious.

Back to work!

Staged: America!

Staged: America!

(TEXAN ACCENT) Come on, Sheen! Krwk!

Er, no. Hey, no...

I'm going to ride you all the way to America, boy!

You are not riding me anywhere, matey!

Saddle up, Sheeny!

I have put the last saddle on my back for you, mate.

(PRESENTERS' VOICES) "David Tennant as David Tennant."

"Michael Sheen as Michael Sheen."

Do you think they'll do that thing -

in American sitcoms, when you come on, you get a round of applause?

Yeah, I always applaud you whenever you come on, anyway.

- Thank you, yeah. - I do it in my living room.

I love it. We made a thing. Let's go to America and do it again.

Yeah. And do you know what? One day, we will bump into Michael Palin

at some glitzy fancy dress party,

and he will say, "I utterly misjudged you, you clown gods."

Yes! Down on your knees, Palin!

- Bask in our comedy! - Yeah.

Suck on our comedy, Palin!

Suck my python, Monty!

We'll be invaluable again!

Because you know what? You and I are masters of our destinies.

- Kings of the hills! - Tops of the morning!

- Docks of the bay! - Yes!

They're going to fucking love us!

AMERICAN VOICE: They don't want you.

What?

Either of you.

Right.

Now, they love the show,

but they're going to recast for the American market.

That is, er, bad news.

Oh, I know.

When did you know this?

Well, the email just arrived.

Well...

S-so who is doing it, then?

- Well, it's only rumours. - Who?

Colin Firth and Hugh Grant.

Colin Firth and Hugh Grant?!

- That's just what I'm hearing. - They're not American!

- Doesn't matter. - They're more British than we are!

Yes, but they're known in America.

I'm known in America!

They're known better.

(SIGHS)

Can we do something about that?

- Like what? - I don't... (SIGHS)

What... What else does the email say?

It says they have a lot of respect for you both,

and they want leads with more US recognition,

and a pair who are more believable as friends.

Sorry?! We are actually friends!

Yes, but nobody's buying it.

Can we do something about that?

Like what?

We could...we could make a TV commercial.

- About what? - About us, doing friend things.

Um, eating pizza together, laughing in a car park...

Child, that'll just scare people, come on.

And they also want people with more comedic experience.

- I'm funny. - I know.

I mean, Colin Firth is not funny.

I'm fu... Knock, knock.

You're still on as executive producer.

- Knock, knock! - With Simon.

Simon?

Yes, he's still involved!

- Doing what?! - Rewrites!

Is he in America?

- I assume so. - (SIGHS)

Listen, I didn't think you were in a rush to get back to work.

I'm not! It's just David got me all excited about this.

I thought you were David.

No, I'm Michael.

Kalisa.

Mary?

You need to get me David on the phone.

- That is David. - No, that's... No.

That's the other one.

On it now.

- OK. - What's the other one's phone?

I'll do it my... I'll do it myself!

- Gotta go. Bye! - (COMPUTER CHIMES)

Hugh Grant.

DAVID: OK, choose a card.

MICHAEL: People don't think we're believable as friends!

DAVID: I know. I heard.

The Palin thing hurt, but that is a gut punch.

Why... Why is that?

I suppose they've only ever heard us speak other people's lines, haven't they?

Anna keeps telling me I'm dropping into character.

Yes! Georgia says exactly the same to me about me!

- Right, yeah. - I keep having to say to her,

"No, you cannae..."

- That doesn't... - That doesn't...

- You can't say that because that's... - That's who I am!

- I am that person. - That's me!

- Exactly! Yeah! - I can't be anything else!

You can't say I'm dropping into character when I'm the character!

Say something now. Say something that's authentically you.

MICHAEL: My flights to New York are cancelled.

DAVID: Oh, the world starts, the world stops. It's arbitrary, isn't it?

"As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods."

- Can we not? - Quite right.

- OK. - Yeah, got it?

OK, hold it up. I don't want to see it,

but hold it up, back facing to me.

We're going to be like this for a while yet, aren't we?

- How do you mean? - Staring at a screen.

- Hoping for a miracle. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we could start a magic act.

(LAUGHS)

(PRESENTER'S VOICE) "The amazing Michael Sheen

"and the Scottish David Tennant."

- Three of diamonds. - No.

Fuck.

Four of diamonds.

That was close - it was the two of diamonds.

- Oh, you see? I was so close! - I mean...

Close enough for jazz. Not close enough for magic.

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