Original subtitles

[projector whirring]

[light zapping]

[bright musical tone]

[light zaps]

[machine whirring]

[cat meows]

[instrumental music]

Hmm.

- You look exactly like your profile pic.

Thank you.

- Even more - uh, even prettier.

You actually...

You actually don't look anything like

your profile picture.

- Oh, there's a funny story behind that.

I just got over shingles,

and they were, like, straight across my face.

So I grew a beard,

and I put that one up.

But now it doesn't look like me, 'cause in that picture,

I had both shingles and a beard, so.

But I am shingle-free, clean as a whistle.

So, Anne Martin, what brings you in?

Oh, um, they did, uh, an STD assembly

at the school where I work,

and, uh, it kind of freaked me out,

so I just wanted to come in

and make sure everything was okay.

Great.

Uh, I just have a couple of basic questions here.

Uh, do you smoke?

No.

- Do drugs? - No.

Drink alcohol?

A little chardonnay occasionally,

but, um, not really, no.

- Have you traveled out of the country in the last six months?

No.

Have you had intercourse

with anyone from a foreign country?

- No. - Okay.

Have you had anal intercourse?

No. I mean...

I don't-I don't want to sound judgy.

Uh, it's not for everyone.

It could be for me, maybe, under the right circumstances.

I'd have to be very relaxed.

But, um...

but I'm not, like, in a...

an anal place.

- Okay. - N... no.

I believe you had the salad, sir.

Yes.

That's a lot of onions.

Yeah.

I like onions.

Make you cry.

Yeah, you know, uh, actually, uh...

my eyes were bigger than my stomach.

I just-suddenly not really hungry at all.

And I realize...

I have a very early morning tomorrow.

You can go if you want.

You can just box it up.

- No. - I know what it means.

Can you be honest with me?

What is it about me that is, like, that you-

m-m-makes you not want to sit here?

- Honestly? - Yeah.

[sighs]

It's, like, everything,

starting with your face first.

Just, like, the expression on it is really bad.

You sort of look like

you're smelling something that doesn't smell good

or, like, you're, like, squinting

even though you're wearing glasses

like your eyes don't work.

You kind of look like

a lesbian newscaster

'cause you're effeminate,

but not in, like, a good way.

It's almost insulting to women,

the way you're effeminate.

'Cause, like, you're not androgynous.

You're just, like, soft and doughy.

You don't look like you have bones under your body at all.

You're just sort of like an old baby, you know?

You just seem very uncomfortable.

You know, like, a little bit

like you're apologizing for your existence.

Just...

That's a complete answer.

- When was the last time you engaged in intercourse?

Um..

Do you mean like, um,

full-on kind of inter...

I would say about...

About comin' up on a year.

A little over a year.

It's like a shade over a year.

So you're abstinent.

No. Mm-mm.

No, not abstinent. I'm just, um...

It's not like a spiritual

kind of cleansing thing, which is abstinence.

It's more just like,

"Oh gosh, it has - is it March already?"

[laughs]

So...

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.

[gagging]

Oh, my God! Are you choking?

Oh, my God!

- Jesus Christ! - Oh, my God!

- Ah! - Oh, my God!

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Spit it out! Spit it out! Spit it out!

Ah!

[coughing]

[applause]

Are you all right?

[gagging]

How do you want to handle the check?

You want to split it, or...

[musical flourish]

[upbeat rock music]

I don't want to go.

Oh, you don't want to go, huh?

- No. - No? You want to stay?

Oh, hey, you know what? Jeff here'll walk you out.

Oh, yeah, I could walk you out.

I just have a very specific

window of time when my, um...

commute is easier than...

Okay.

So you're good, and I'm good, so.

# Hallelujah #

# Know who you are, forget what you're not #

# Doo doo do do-do #

- "Americans are forever searching for love

"in forms it never takes, in places it can never be. "

- Oh, that's, um, uh... Kurt -Kurt Vonnegut.

Kurt Vonnegut. It's "Cat's Cradle. "

- Yeah, I was right there. Tip of my tongue.

You're so slow!

So how was your date?

Oh, not great.

I choked on a piece of soft food out of nerves.

How was the doctor?

- Oh, um, apparently, I'm clinically abstinent.

- Clinically abstinent? - Yeah.

It's a thing, and I've got it.

- I've never heard anybody diagnosed with that.

Hi.

Um, speaking of, have you talked to Max about me?

Max? Yeah.

You went on one date with him three months ago.

I would let it go, you know?

No, it was such a great date.

I mean, actually, I'm not counting,

but it was technically 21/2 months ago.

- If you're using the term "technically,"

then you're counting.

Well, technically it's not counting, I'm just...

Mr. Lowry! Mr. Lowry.

Please thank your mother for running the bake sale.

I have never known the parent of a faculty member

to be so involved at school.

Oh, Anne, my tits are leaking like a motherfuck...

Principal Miller.

Language, Julia.

I'm so sorry about that.

Last day of school.

[laughs]

- And your shirt sleeves are a little short.

Yeah, I-I actually think so too.

I'm gonna go put on a cardigan.

- Now. - You're a gorgeous woman.

Cardigan now.

- Don't run! - Sorry.

But hurry.

It's the last day of school.

Everyone's letting their hair down, you know.

- Not on my watch. - Oh!

[laughter]

Okay.

I don't know what that means.

- I just clam up whenever she comes around.

Yeah.

- Well, maybe we'll have, you know, some luck

at the end-of-year party tonight.

You mean like more luck

than the year that you clogged up the toilet?

Actually, that was the year before.

Oh, then more luck than the year

you walked through a screen door?

Okay, but in my defense,

they should just put a ribbon across those things

'cause you can't always see them.

- You... you're right, they should sell every screen door

with a big ribbon on it.

I'm just putting it out there.

Maybe we'll have more luck this year

because there'll be all that faculty

from Ben Franklin High,

so there'll be more people to meet.

- Yeah, maybe they'll get a kick out of my foibles.

- Maybe you don't use the word "foibles. "

Oh.

Duly noted, sir.

That's not great either.

Oh, boy.

[bell ringing]

Maybe you should be paying

a little more attention to your studies

and less attention to:

"How much sex your peers are having. "

How else am I gonna know?

Get out of here.

Enjoy your last moments here being educated.

[sighs]

[playful instrumental music]

"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"

20.

That's not an option.

- Yeah, so we were just there, and, like...

No, he left,

and I was like, "Where did you go?"

What?

I swear to God, he's such a dickface!

- Okay, I know you don't have any work to do,

but, guys, it's still called study hall.

I have to go. I'll call you later.

Thank you.

[bell rings]

Okay, everybody, have a great summer.

Don't forget to read.

Whoo-hoo!

Mm-hmm.

Slut.

[Josh Mobley singing "Summertime"]

Hey, I got this.

Hi, guys. Be careful.

Oh, that doesn't...

Hey, guys, cool, cool to see you.

Good. Good, good, good.

Nice cabinet. Um...

[indistinct chatter]

This your house?

Oh, no. It's just...

Just cleaning up, making myself useful.

Do you want to help? - Sure.

Cool. Thanks so much.

That guy was hot.

What was that all about?

I don't know; he was really cute,

and then he gave me his garbage.

Put that garbage down.

Stop.

The beauty of coming to someone else's house or party

is that you can just make a mess.

You don't have to clean up after anybody.

- How do you do it? You're so put -together.

I mean, you've just got, like, Al, the baby...

I am not put-together,

but I do have a little, I guess-I don't know.

I don't know if it's a secret, but something I do.

Please, I-tell me.

I'm swinging in the wind here.

Are you familiar with Kegeling?

Yeah, that's the, um-

the squeezing of the vaginal walls.

- Makes me feel confident, powerful, but kind of at ease.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like a glass of wine for the prives.

Ooh, I like that.

- Wh -what are you doing with your face?

Relax your jaw.

Don't over think it. Just do it. Just squeeze.

Now you look like a zombie.

You're not blinking whatsoever now.

- That seems like it's easier. - No.

- Hey, honey, um, sorry. - Hey.

- Hey, Al. - I just spoke with the sitter,

and apparently, the baby's being very fussy.

Oh, no!

Yeah, sorry. I think we have to go.

- All right, will you pull the car around?

I'll be right out. - I will indeed.

Are you okay with me going?

Yeah, go get your damn baby.

I'm just kidding. I love her. She's so sweet.

I love you.

- Happy summer. - Happy summer. Enjoy.

- Yeah, I will now. - And get out there.

Yeah, I will. I'm just gonna...

- Hey, Carol. What a terrific school year.

Can I make you a snack plate?

I'm not eating.

I'm only drinking clear liquids now.

So no.

Man, Carol is so irritable.

She's a real hothead.

She must be hungry all the time.

That's my problem, you know.

I'm a nice guy.

I'm almost too nice.

I ask people if they want a snack plate.

I go to work every day, I pay my taxes,

and what's my reward?

Maybe it's not about your rewards.

Maybe it's more about just, like,

being comfortable in your own skin.

"Be yourself.

Everybody else is already taken. "

Oh, um-

- It's Oscar Wilde. - Yes!

God, you're so quick. You don't give me enough time.

Because you're so slow.

You have a quick trigger finger.

Yeah, I do.

[imitating gunshot]

I got to pee. Get in the mix.

[Crown City Rockers singing "Break"]

- That's a nice shirt. - Thank you.

Or is it a blouse? How can you tell?

[cell phone ringing]

Where are you?

No. Nobody good here.

I heard that.

[grunts]

[glass shatters]

- I -I have my own thing to take care of.

What?

- Anne. - Mm-mm.

- You think your dad got lost looking for the tables?

I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

- Ooh, ah - ah, there it is.

Perfect. Yeah, put it right there.

How many guests are we expecting?

One?

- Well, there's- - That's only the first of many.

Don't you think we're planning

a little early for this birthday party?

I mean, you don't turn 65 for two months.

- There is nothing wrong with planning early.

Besides, it - it allows people to,

you know, mark their calendars, and...

maybe even bring a date.

- Yeah, are you, uh, planning on bringin' a date?

I sure am not, Dad.

Okay. Just asking.

What about that Anne?

- Wow, she's... super. - Mm-hmm.

- Please -it's weird to hear you

breathe deep like that and talk about her.

I just said she's super.

I'm gonna put her on the list.

Did you ever ask her out?

No, I have never asked her out

because we're good friends,

and I don't want anything to ruin that,

and she does not see me like that, so.

She's into my neighbor.

Do you know any gay couples?

I mean, I-

I know a couple gay couples.

Why?

Well, we could add them to the list,

and you could maybe bring a special person too.

I'm sorry.

Are you implying that I am gay?

If you have trouble coming out...

Let us come in.

I-I don't want to go in.

Wait, I-I'm sorry.

I'm still having trouble with the math of this.

Why-even if I was gay,

why would I invite a gay couple?

- To feel more comfortable. - They're-

- They'd-yeah. - They're already a couple.

Balloons.

Oh-or are they a little too young?

Why don't we get a bouncy castle?

- No, balloons it is. - Thank you.

- And, Jeffrey, you're in charge of the balloons.

- Okay, I'll get those balloons in two months.

In a quarter of a year. - Before 2 months.

It's gonna sneak up on you. All of a sudden, you're gonna-

- And then you're gonna have flat balloons.

- You still have to get- - You can't get balloons early.

- No, I'm not talking about getting them.

Just line them up,

know where you're gonna get them, and, you know...

- Line them up and know where I'm gonna get them?

I'm not invading Pakistan.

- Darren, Darren, he's going to take care of them.

Right, sweetheart? - Yes, I'll take care of it.

[instrumental music]

- Listen to me. - Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna show up and...

bump into Max after book club like I did when we met.

Anne, don't you think

that's gonna come off a little creepy?

No, I think it's romantic.

Okay, someone's got to say it.

If he was feeling the Anne train,

don't you think he would have hopped aboard by now?

- Well, maybe he's playing hard-to-get.

I mean, I don't know.

I can't be the only person who feels this way.

- Anne. - Okay, more importantly.

What am I wearing? - Hmm.

Something slimming, maybe black.

Whatever you choose, just not the fucking cat sweater.

[scoffs]

Doi.

First of all, it's summer,

and second of all, I don't even-

I don't-I don't even really have that sweater anymore.

- Okay, everybody, I want to thank you guys

for coming to book club.

We are in session.

Dan, you picked the book for this week.

"Of Mice and Men. "

Oh, come on, Dan!

He's doing this on purpose, guys.

- I love this book. - Yeah, I know.

You've read it, like, a thousand times!

Yeah, more than that. It's great.

- He's just doing this to piss me off, guys.

- Not true. - It is true!

'Cause my name's Lenny, and my entire life,

whenever I tell someone that my name is Lenny,

they ask me if I'm retarded.

Come on, man, that...

A-a lot of people have the name Lenny.

Oh, now that you mention it,

I-I-I'm actually picturing you as Lenny in the book,

and it's making it a lot more accessible for me.

- Wha -what's the connection to the book?

- He's a retarded guy who kills animals.

He's a retarded guy.

Don't spoil the whole book for him.

He didn't read it yet.

- My entire life, I have had to deal with it.

I just tell somebody - I go, "Hi, I'm Lenny,"

and they're like, "Oh, this guy's retarded. "

Well, maybe it's the-

the cadence with which you say it.

- What -the cadence of how I'm saying it?

Hi, I'm Lenny.

That's-there's nothing-what?

- Yeah, why - why you doing it like that?

Yeah, it sounds bad.

I mean, you're wearing socks with sandals.

Yeah, 'cause I'm not retarded.

I wear sandals because my feet sweat,

and I wear the socks to catch that sweat.

So the socks help the sandal,

and the sandal help the sock.

Not retarded.

You feel like a jerk.

All right, guys, are-

are we gonna get into the book or not?

'Cause, I mean, I can always go downtown and have a drink.

- On Sunday? - It's Sunday night.

Yeah, people go out on Sunday, guys.

Girls go out on Sundays.

- Yeah, crazy people are out on Sundays.

- It would be nice to meet some girls, though.

I mean... - Yeah.

- I know you guys haven't had dates in a long time.

- That's not true. - Yeah, that's not true.

I-I have a girlfriend.

I-I don't have a girlfriend.

- You just started that sentence by saying,

"I have a girlfriend. "

- Yeah. - Why would you do that?

- Be-uh, it's- I just wanted to hear

what it would sound like coming out of my mouth.

- It's such an inappropriate time to experiment with that.

I'm just glad because it sounded like

he had murdered a girl.

What happened to her?

She was here.

Now she's not with us anymore.

- Okay, the term "not with us anymore" implies death.

It's almost like you admitted to

murdering or killing a woman.

What are you talk-no!

- Okay, well, then why aren't you dating her anymore?

- Because I just -I buried her in the past, you know.

- Well, what does that mean? - So wait, wait..

- So -wait. You do have a girlfriend.

Did you murder a girl?

Or did you, like, bury her somewhere,

and you don't know if she's passed yet?

- Guys, this -this isn't an inappropriate conversation.

- I got to tell you that if a police questioned me and said,

"Did you notice anything weird about Dan lately?"

This would be the first conversation

that I would bring up.

- I'm just saying I don't- - Just tell us there's no girl.

I never had a girlfriend.

- All right. - Okay.

- Thank God. - I-I go on dates all the time.

No, you don't. Come on, Lenny.

When was the last time you were out on a date?

- What day is today? - Sunday.

1986.

Guys, I think we need to...

Change what's goin' on with us.

We're 30-year-old guys. We have a book club.

I wear khaki every day.

I mean, I haven't been on a successful date

in a long time.

We need to live cool.

You know, we need to like be on the edge of the-

What does that mean?

- It's like the bracelets. Live Cool bracelets.

- Yeah, it's like a Live Cool bracelets.

Live Strong.

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

You don't have to change anything about yourselves

to be cool, okay?

You just have to be cool.

- Well.. - That was awesome.

Yeah.

I'm gonna write that down.

- Wow, thanks, man. - Sure.

[laughs]

All right, look, guys, I'm gonna get out of here.

I'm gonna get a drink.

We'll do this next week, though, yeah?

- Yeah. Deal. - All right.

But, uh, Jeff, you know what?

Why don't you take this, okay?

Whoa.

- You want me to have your summertime leather jacket?

- Yeah. - [mouthing] Wow.

Who knows?

Maybe it'll help you on your journey.

[instrumental music]

Then again, it might also hurt.

But isn't that everything in life?

- Wow. - That was cool too.

Write that down too. - How do you do that?

Get that one on there too.

[whispering] Oh, my God.

Oh, the book club.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I was just - I was just walking around.

I was running. I was at yoga.

I'm just doing Pilates,

and I had my books, and I was on-

It's so good to see you, though. - Anne.

[exhales deeply]

[gasps]

[squeaks]

It's Max. - Yeah.

Max! I was...

[stammering] You're not in the book club.

- Oh, yeah, I - I skipped out a little early.

Grabbed a drink and a sandwich.

Oh, a drink and a "samwich. "

Yeah.

It's so good to see you.

I said "samwich. "

Um, it's...

Come inside?

[mellow music]

Mmm.

It's good. - Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I like beer.

Um, my watch broke.

How long-how long has it been?

What?

When we saw each other?

Oh!

[laughs]

God, I...

I literally have no recollection of it.

Me neither.

It was, like, three months ago, and...

I don't know. - Okay.

[stammering]

That guy. I was looking at him.

Oh! Yeah. I painted that.

You did?

- Yeah, it's, uh -it's gouache.

Squash.

It starts with a G. Gouache.

It's gouache.

Yeah, it's the kind of paint.

Mm.

It's, uh, it's fickle...

- Yeah. - Paint.

It's got this really wonderful texture.

It's kind of like a...

It's like a woman. You got to sort of...

You got to warm it up a little bit and sort of...

you know, show it that you're ready to play before you...

spread it around a little bit.

It's dirty. It must be dirty.

Yeah, it get's a little messy.

That's, uh, that's part of the fun, right?

Oh, yes. Yeah, I like to get messy.

Yeah, oh.

Hello? Oh, my God.

[imitating Max] - Oh, my God.

What the hell are you doing here?

I thought I took back my key.

Yeah, you did.

But I made a copy first from the key-copier.

That's so like you.

Get out.

- No. - What do you want?

What do you think?

I want my apology.

Oh, for what?

[stammering mockingly]

Are you fucking kidding me?

All right, look, look, look.

I know that I can be a dick sometimes, all right?

- Yeah. - I don't mean it.

- That-oh, is that- is tha-was that-

was that your - was that his apology?

'Cause it - did it sound like one?

No, it didn't. What was that?

Give me that key.

Come and get 'em.

- You know -you know I'll go down there.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do when you're there?

What are you gonna do when you're down there?

You're gonna sniff around,

'cause you're a little dog.

Slow it down.

You're gonna sniff around

'cause you're a fucking dog.

Oh, God help me!

[both moaning]

- Yeah, you remember? - Oh, yeah.

- You remember Amber? - I remember you.

- You remember Amber? - Ugh!

[Max speaking indistinctly]

[both moaning]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God, you smell so fucking good.

You smell like shit.

Such, such shit.

You don't get to look me in the eyes.

- I won't look. I won't look. I won't look.

Okay, I got all my books, so...

Hi, I'm - [stammers]

Anne?

You don't deserve it!

I don't deserve it!

- You don't deserve it! - I don't deserve it.

And now you remember, right?

Beg for it. - I want your-

- Beg for it. - Please.

- Beg for it. - Please!

[sighs]

[knocking]

[instrumental music]

- Jeff, what do you see when you look at me?

Like, right now?

Yeah, like this.

I think you look like

you work at a cell phone kiosk in the mall.

I dressed like this to seduce Max.

Okay.

This was your seductive look?

- I was going for, like, sexy librarian or like...

Euro, kind of, just...

You know, like, what is this?

- You kind of look like my mom's financial advisor.

Yeah.

I just feel like I'm tired of being such a dork.

Yes. Yeah.

I want to be one of those guys

that, like, starts dating a girl

and then the girl's parents get all freaked out

because they think the guy's gonna steal her TV

and sell it for drug money.

- I want to be like, you know, one of those girls

whose parents don't want her to come home for Christmas.

- I want to be a guy that, no matter where they are,

there's a possibility that he-

he could have sex in a bathroom.

- I want to be sex-in-the-bathroom people.

That's so cool. I want to get arrested...

For having sex in a bathroom.

I want to be on "Cops. "

How do we do this? How is this done?

I don't know. How is this done?

I don't know. Play to our strengths?

Play to our strengths.

Okay, well, my biggest strength

is helping kids apply to colleges.

- And I'm -I'm really good at research.

So...

We're screwed. - We need help.

[funky music]

[indistinct chatter]

Al gets into such cool parties.

- I know, right? - Yeah.

Oh, you got to meet this guy.

Hey, so you Julia, right? Al's wife.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And you should meet my friend Anne.

Enchant�. I'm Anne.

[laughs]

Big fan. Oh, sorry.

I should tone it down. I'm fanning out on you.

I was actually hoping maybe to get an album tonight.

Are you selling merchandise, or...

Hey. How you doing?

Come with me, buddy.

- Hi, Al. - Ladies.

I really came on strong.

A little bit. It's okay. It's okay.

Mm.

Before I forget to say this,

you look beautiful tonight.

Whatever, bitch!

Um, what was that?

I don't know, I'm just-

I'm trying this new thing.

And, um, I just want to be crazy.

You know, I want to go wild.

- What were you doing talkin' to that man?

Yeah.

Oh. The guy in the hat?

Oh, that was your boyfriend?

Oh.

We're having a little disagreement

about that right now.

Oh, no, no, no.

I was-I was- I was just saying hi.

His music is wonderful.

Oh, okay, that's cool. That's cool.

I'm sorry, girl.

You know how it is, you know.

When you love a man so much, you know,

that you end up in jail for your love.

You know what I mean?

Then you get out,

and you see some girl, like, talking to him.

Yeah.

And you want to, like, stab her.

- Yeah. - But you can't.

Sounds complicated.

Anyway, have a - have a lovely night.

We're just discussing some stuff about my friend here.

- You want to go crazy, I heard, though.

- I do. I just -look at me.

I'm dressed like a band leader.

I feel like I need a little something.

- Yeah. - Yeah. I hear you.

- Spice it up. - All that needs to-yeah.

You need to just make it more.

Let me tell you somethin', girl.

If you want to keep your man,

you've got to follow some very simple instructions, all right?

- They're very simple. - Follow them to a T.

Number one:

If he doesn't pick up his phone when you're calling him,

you just keep calling.

And if he doesn't answer, what do you do?

- Stop calling. - You hunt him down.

- Yes. - Okay?

Yeah, like he's a wild animal. Yeah.

- Ooh, tell her about the bunny, the bunny -python.

Oh, girl, you gonna love this.

- You really -you gonna love this one.

Let me tell you somethin'.

First of all, you need to appear unpredictable.

- That's right. - All right?

First, one day, you are cute and vulnerable. Yes.

- Just like a bunny, Just like a cute little bunny.

- Look at me. - Yes, yes.

And then next, you are irrational and stabby.

All right!

- Crazy, you know? - They love crazy pussy.

- They love crazy pussy. - They love it!

Oh, my God!

I want to try a bunny-python!

That's how I keep him on his toes.

That's how it keeps it real and fresh.

- Yes. - I like it.

- Mm-hmm. - That's what you got to do.

And then he'll just keep coming back for more

'cause he wants to fuck that bunny out of you.

Yeah, he gonna hit that bunny, girl.

- You know what, Tyree, the restraining order

does not say that you have to be rough.

Look, 100 feet is 100 feet, too, by the way.

It's technical. It's technical, girl.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, that was...

Awesome! That was awesome.

That was awesome.

Who are you?

I'm-I'm Anne, bitch!

- Whoa. - Sorry. I'm sorry.

It still doesn't work.

I hate calling other women bitches.

Yeah, it's not good.

It's offensive and aggressive.

It's anti-feminist.

It's gender-specific violence. - Yeah.

- And it's just - it's not for me.

So let's cut "bitch" out maybe.

All right, cock-chugger.

[upbeat percussive music]

I could not imagine

not waking up next to that beautiful man every day.

And I know that if we were to spend our lives together,

it would mean that I could become a customer

at the Applebee's instead of just a hostess.

No! What is she doing here?

And Elayna barges in.

- June better keep her [bleep] hands off my man.

- What the fuck! - What are you doing?

This is Mike. - Oh!

Oh, come on!

That's kind of why I came on the show,

is I wanted to, like...

show kids that, like, a bunch of women can fight over you

even if you can't read.

[knock on door]

Coming. Coming!

[door lock clacks]

Sorry.

Hey, oh, sorry. Oh!

Did you sleep in your leather jacket?

What?

Did you sleep in your leather jacket?

Max gave it to me.

I just want it to seem like, the first time I wear it,

it's not the first time I wear it, you know.

Uh, well. Anyway, okay.

So I've had a lot of coffee,

but I've come up with a plan for us.

You have to read these books.

Ooh, "Tommyland. "

Yeah. Uh, I took a peek.

It's a little...

[laughs]

7th chapter,

AKA, "You know what, fuck it. "

[laughs]

- Tommy. - I know.

He's great, right? - A real way with the word.

And, uh, we need a new look.

So...

we're gonna go shopping.

I hate going shopping.

We're goin' to the shops.

We're gonna get cool new looks and be cool new guys.

Fine, can I get a cinnamon bun?

You can get a cinnamon bun.

All right, give me five minutes.

Okay.

Um, I'm thinking maybe we could stop for coffee.

You don't need any more coffee.

[whispering] I'm starting to crash.

[sighs]

- Can we get a cinnamon bun before we go shopping?

I don't know.

I-I feel like that might ruin our lunch.

Shouldn't we wait? - I didn't eat anything yet.

- Oh, my gosh. Who doesn't eat breakfast?

- Well, I got excited about the cinnamon bun.

Here we go. Here's a spot.

[humming]

I don't know how you go out of the house

without eating breakfast.

Oh, man!

- Oh, my -what? Uh...

What is that?

Come on.

Okay, well, we'll just get another-

No, no, no, no, no.

That lady took our spot,

and this is part of our problem.

We're too passive.

- Well-well, you're not- what do you mean?

I don't feel like-

Hey, you took our spot!

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, you dumb fuck!

Lower your window and start yelling at her.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

You're just - just stupid.

You're-everything about you is shitty!

- You picked the wrong white people to fuck with,

you dumb fuck!

[horn honking]

All right, I'm gonna go to the glasses store.

- Do I keep cursing? - Yeah.

[stammering]

You know what you can do is you can eat shit!

And then you can eat it, you shit!

Fuckin' suckin' dicks, fuck, yeah!

You can suck a bag of dicks, you stupid asshole!

You're an ass, you're an ass!

Lickin', fuck, suckin' ass motherfucker!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck!

Cock-guzzlin' shit-can!

Suck my big dick!

You put my balls in your mouth!

I'll swish them around like a pair of ice cubes!

Stop!

Fuckin' asshole.

[sighs]

Gee, what a jerk.

Oh, here we go.

[tire screeches]

What the fuck, you fuckin' whore?

Oh, wait. I know you're upset.

Enrique and I have called it quits.

He said he was separated.

Oh.

Principal Miller?

Oh, shit.

- You're not Enrique's wife! - No.

I'm just gonna...

pretend that didn't happen.

Oh, boy.

[tram bell rings]

Finally, the cinnamon buns.

- It's pretty good, right? - It's amazing.

You know, when I was 14,

I used to come here all the time

and, like, hang out with my friends,

try and scope chicks out.

You know how many girls I picked up?

- A bunch? - Negative one.

Oh, God.

'Cause one ran away out of fear.

I didn't have very much luck either.

I-I got asked out for the first time

my first semester of college,

and I got so nervous

that, even though I got all dressed up,

I just sat in my dorm room all night and worried.

Oh, my God!

It was so embarrassing

'cause I had class with the guy

and I had to stop going.

Well, that ends today.

"That was then, this is now. "

Oh.

- S.E. Hinton. - S.E. Hinton.

- That was then, this is now. - Yeah, I got one.

You were kind of slow.

[laughs]

Um...

I'm really glad that we're doing this together

'cause I feel like you're not gonna judge me.

No.

Are you kidding?

How could you judge someone that's even...

dorkier than you are?

Oh, God. Am I worse than you?

No, no. I am King Dork.

[laughs] Yes, you are.

Mm... question.

Hmm?

Can we return these clothes?

I feel like such an asshole.

You have no idea the amount

of ball and taint sweat that I have right now.

Wait, which is the taint?

The taint is between your balls...

and your-on your- in your, uh, b-hole.

Okay, so I don't have one.

No... you have a "vaint".

Hey, Dad.

Jeffrey.

What do you got in your hair?

Um, a pomade.

It's a look.

[sighs]

I'm tryin' somethin' new.

I'm just, like...

Girls don't like guys from upper-middle-class Pennsylvania

who are guidance counselors who have never broken a bone.

Uh, what do they like?

Guys who look like they got dressed in the dark?

I don't...

They want, like...

bad boys who, like, know how to fix cars

and, like, have been in fights.

[sighs heavily]

Is it-there's nothing in my past that's, like, dark

or dangerous or foreboding?

Nothing? You ever hit me?

No.

Are you really my dad?

- Yeah, unless you know something that I don't.

- There was never an uncle that got, like, too handsy?

- Oh, like a weird... - Yeah.

- Pedophile uncle? No. - Nothing like that?

Your uncles are boring,

nice, nice men, but...

[sighs]

I mean...

why do you need to be messed up?

I don't know, Dad.

I don't know.

- You ever try, like, any romance with a girl?

Like, you...

you kind of notice things about her, that, uh,

you know, things that she - she really likes?

And then you, uh, you show her that those things

are what makes her special to you.

That's kind of... romance.

It works.

I'll give it a shot.

[up-tempo music]

Get ready.

Nice shot.

- Excuse me. - Excuse me.

- Sorry. Excuse me. I know you're playin' a game.

It's just not great design to have a horizontal game

in a vertical bar.

- This place is neat, though. - Yeah, yeah.

Let's get some drinks, huh? - Yeah.

Um... what do we drink?

Something hard?

- Yeah, let's not do white wine or beer.

Yeah, um-

What pairs well with a cinnamon bun?

- That's all I had today. - Whiskey?

- Yeah, two whiskies. - No, I, um...

I don't like the way whiskey tastes.

Could you get me one of those...

things that, like, has a bunch of alcohol in it?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Yeah, like a hard tea. - Yeah, like a cider.

- Or a cider. - Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Yes, no problem. - Cool, thank you.

- I just, I'm -I'm sorry. Just to be clear...

do you have a specific kind of flavor that you want?

- I don't - just make a decision.

- I'm sorry. - What the fuck!

Oh, my God!

- That was my fault. - I am so sorry.

I'm sorry.

She pushed me, and I hit your friend

and your friend threw the dart, and it landed in your leg

and that's not good.

But, but, but...

I think that you will see, if we could just talk it out

and let-let-let us buy you a round of drinks.

- Yeah, let's reset. Let's press the pause button.

Let's press pause. Okay, I'm Anne.

- Hi. This is Anne. I'm Jeff. - Hi, how are you?

- Is this your man here? - Oh, he's not.

He's a co-worker and a very close friend.

- W-w-whoa, one second. I can explain.

[stammering]

[grunts]

Look, I know-I-I know that that was not good, but-but-

but I-but I've never been in a fight before,

and I don't mean to physically altercate-

- Then I'm sorry. - [grunts]

Oh, Jeff.

I have been...

[grunts]

Waiting to do that all night long!

[grunts]

Jeff!

I just knocked a guy out at the bar.

That was kind of cool!

That was kind of cool.

We should go.

- Yeah. - Okay.

What's up?

There's more for either one of you if you want.

More of the bee stings.

No, there's nothing more.

Let's just get out of here.

- That was crazy. - Wow, that was awesome.

Hey, are you okay?

That guy's such a douche.

Let me know if you need a little TLC.

Wh-what?

Oh, my God. They were so pretty.

Oh, my God.

I think I'm just gonna start punchin' people out.

You should. It's like an aphrodisiac.

I guess so.

Wow.

[knock on door]

I kind of did something.

Jesus.

What'd you do?

It's a new look.

- Why did you do this to your beautiful hair?

Well, Jeff said I was inhibited,

and it ticked me off, so.

You did it for Jeff.

- That is so clich�, Julia. - What? What?

Oh, the two single people in the room

automatically belong together.

No, I'm just saying he's cute,

you're adorable,

and you both are cool.

Listen, I just want you to be happy.

I am happy. I'm very happy.

I just-I don't see Jeff that way.

Look, I-

I think you called me over to brush your hair out.

- Yes. - Yeah, okay.

You can handle this yourself.

I am feeling so much electricity in both nips.

I got to go and... relieve this.

Whoa, that sounds bad.

It is bad. I could charge a car.

Well, if you're hungry, though,

I can just order a quick pie.

- Uh... pl -please don't take offense to this, okay?

I-I just don't know how else, and I've got to say something.

[stammers]

I feel like sometimes your needs...

are, like, a little comparable to my baby's needs.

- How could I have ever taken that the wrong way?

That's great. I get it. No, I know. I just...

I just-I don't have that many friends,

so I always tend to call you.

Sorry.

That makes me really sad.

No, I didn't mean to make you sad.

I just-you're my best friend, so I will always call you.

But I'll back off so babies can eat.

I love you.

- Okay? - Okay.

I'm gonna go take a hot shower.

Put plenty of conditioner in there, and just comb it out.

Okay.

Got a big box of mac and cheese.

Please don't finish that.

You stay, I won't.

Bye.

- Come on, I'll make you some Greek yogurt.

Diana...

you've been set free.

I hated to see Diana go, but...

now I can focus on the remaining two.

The girls wonder why I keep Elayna around.

But I know she's here for me.

I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't [bleep] cross me.

[drawling] I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't cross me.

[up-tempo music]

[drawling] Hi, my name is Anne.

I'm workin' on a new accent.

I think it's gonna give me my edge.

What do you think?

- Yeah, no, it's - it's certainly intriguing.

- I've been trying, but I can't seem to not sound like...

A plantation owner?

Like a racist plantation owner,

and that's not what I want to put out there.

Okay.

I'll keep working on it. - Yeah.

If you want to see something cool-

I do.

You want to see something cool?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Is that a tattoo? - Yeah.

- What is that? It's a book? - Yeah.

Yeah, I got it in - in honor of book club.

- Would the new you be a part of a book club?

- That's a good, uh... I didn't think about that.

But you know what, when I go back for my second round,

then I'll tell them - maybe we'll switch the design.

See, right now, a lot of people think

that when you get a tattoo, you go into the parlor,

and then you just walk out with a tattoo, but-

That's what I thought.

No, actually, it's a lot of steps.

I mean, first you go into the stencil stage,

and then you go into the next stage,

which is the stage that I'm in, which is the "Are you

comfortable with this image on your skin forever?" phase.

- I'm just gonna -I'm gonna pause you right there.

I kind of see where you're going with this.

Um... are you in the "I'm afraid of needle" phase?

Oh my God, it was so scary.

I can't do that. - No.

The needle is attached to a motor,

and it goes like:

[tapping]

You're not gonna put your skin under that.

No way. - No. I don't like it.

- So I'll just leave it stenciled for a while.

You have a drawing on your arm.

Way to go. I'm proud of you.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, look at this chick.

That is awesome.

Good for her.

- I'm gonna get up on the bar. - What?

I'm gonna get up on the bar.

- You could barely get off the bar stool.

- I know, but I'm gonna try. - Hold on one second.

[hip-hop music]

[crowd cheering]

I'm putting this on the internet!

You're crazy.

# I'm looking good #

# Baby, say that I'm glowing #

# You're so sexy and your outfit is flowin' #

# And you're so put together #

# You can get it in any type of weather #

# I need some platinum Patron #

- Hey, you, I was hoping I'd find you here.

Really? Me?

Yeah, you.

I was sad that you never called me.

Well, I couldn't call you.

You wrote your number on something extremely smudgy.

I thought it was garbage.

Smudgy garbage.

[crowd chanting] Bra! Bra! Bra! Bra!

Bra! Bra! Bra! Bra! Bra! Bra! Bra!

- Yeah, take it off. - Yeah, take it off.

[crowd cheering]

- I got to get down. I don't have a bra on.

All right. There she is.

- Look at you. - How cool was that?

- So... - "Coyote Ugly. "

Yeah, it was cool, right?

You should take my number.

I'm gonna make a phone call too.

Okay.

Julia, hi.

Oh, my God.

Can you come out to Sligo right now?

I just danced on the bar.

I took my bra off.

I think my nipple came out.

[chuckles]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it's that late.

Oh, did I wake the baby?

I woke Al?

Sorry. Okay.

Well, I think I'll go.

Maybe I'm gonna go sext Max.

I don't know, I can't-

Okay. Yes.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

Buzz kill.

Hey.

I liked your moves, I did.

Oh, yeah?

- Was that, like, the window into your soul?

Um...

- That's deep. That's so deep. - That's exactly what it is.

- Yeah. - I love it.

- Well, I'm -I'm part Native American.

- You are? - Yeah.

Oh, I see it in your eyes.

You want a beer?

I'd love a beer.

You got anything stronger?

Very strong.

- Okay. - Very strong.

[country music]

Cheers. - Cheers.

Mm-mm-mm.

So a Southern girl.

- Oh, yes, well, I am. I mean, I'm definitely

a dyed-in-the-wool Southern girl, but I-

I will be the first to admit that, you know,

there is a bit of a checkered history for the South.

You know, I mean...

Human rights conditions and...

Mm.

Historical denying,

and, you know, some sort of...

animal cruelty and whatnot.

But, you know, it's the South.

[clears throat]

The South is always nice.

There's a bunch of-

bunch of books out that you can read about the South.

If you want me to give you a Southern history lesson,

I'll definitely see if I can fit you in.

- You can give me one-on-one, right?

Oh!

Well, that's third base where I come from.

- Hmm, well, then why don't we slide into home?

Oh, my! I don't know about that.

Uh...

I'm gonna powder my nose.

[knock on door]

You all right in there?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

I'm just-I'm just in here poopin'.

[whispering] No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, um...

could you just pour me another glass of wine, sweetie?

[whispers] Fuck!

Hello?

Hello?

[sighs]

What the-mm.

You're a little crazy.

That's hot.

Well, I'm sweet as cherry pie.

Just don't fuckin' cross me.

[upbeat music]

# Hmm #

# Yeah #

# Hey, hey, hey #

# I don't want to do right today #

# Hey, hey, hey #

# I ain't lookin' for love #

# Hey, hey, hey #

# I don't want to do right today #

# Hey, hey, hey #

# I'm tired of bein' stung #

# Got more things than I can control #

# Can control, can control #

# I got your taste on my lips and I want some more #

# Want some more, want some more #

# Hey, hey #

# It feels so good #

# Hey, hey #

# It feels so good #

# Hey, hey #

# It feels so good #

# Doin' what you want when you know that you shouldn't #

# Hey, hey #

# It feels so good #

# Hey, hey #

# It feels so good #

# Hey, hey #

# It feels so good #

# Doin' what you want when you know that you shouldn't #

Oh!

# Hey, hey, hey #

# Turn on the green light, babe #

Oh, wow.

This is nice. - Yeah.

Um, is heat included?

Huh?

d I got your taste on my lips and I want some more d

d Want some more, want some more d

d Come on, hey, hey d

Get in there.

d Feels so good d

d Hey, hey d

d Feels so good d

d Doin' what you want d

d When you know that you shouldn't d

d Hey, hey d

d It feels so good d

d Hey, hey d

d It feels so good d

d Hey, hey d

- I think I'm gonna throw up -um...

What? Oh, oh.

[casual instrumental music]

So my friend Tommy's a barback here,

so I get discounts on drinks

if you want to do a shot or something later.

It's pretty cool; he used to work over at Happy Place.

Too many tats? Don't answer.

I'm fine; I plan on going there myself.

[laughs]

Bye. Text me.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

- You look good. - Well, you know.

Bandanas and necklaces.

- I like it. - Do you like it?

Yeah, me likey.

- Well, you look good. - I know.

[laughs]

- You know? - Mm-hmm.

- Where you been? I feel like I haven't seen you.

- I know. It's been kind of, like, a minute.

So what's goin' on with you?

None of your business.

Why so many questions?

I don't know.

What, am I under arrest?

- Why you chewing on all this weird shit?

'Cause I'm hungry.

What's weird about a straw? - Nothing.

It's just the second thing you've been chewin' on.

Come on. Let's take a picture.

Oh, all right.

Oops.

[both laugh]

Whoop!

Okay, the light's about to go.

Okay.

Whoo!

Let's look like we're wasted.

Oh, I'm so wasted.

Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah.

- Let's go. - Let's go.

You got to duck under the thing.

Okay.

- Let's go to the bar. - Okay.

You are bossy.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Okay, I'm gonna hang out here.

[cell phone vibrates]

Anne Martin.

Hi, Beth Foster.

Um, my son Brian is a freshman at Thomas Jefferson.

Yeah, Brian.

- Yeah. - You know Brian?

He's a cute little guy.

He's, like, into space and rocks.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

- Space and rocks. - Yeah. He's a sweetie.

Yeah. He's so sweet.

Um, hey, I-I wondered.

Are you here with - with Jeff Lowry?

- Oh, yeah. I mean, no. - Uh-huh.

I mean...

Oh, you know Jeff.

We met at the gym.

Uh, like, several weeks back.

And, um, well, we...

we've been, like, hangin' out

kind of here and there in the afternoon, and...

I just don't want to step on any toes.

- Oh, so you guys are seeing each other?

It's too early to tell.

I mean, I-I- I'm workin' on dinner.

Hi.

Hello. Hey, Beth.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Hey. - It's good to see you.

So good to see you. Yeah.

I see you met my good friend Anne.

I did.

- Yeah, Jeff and I are really good friends.

Incredibly close.

I'd like to think we are.

Mm-hmm.

Awesome.

- Beth? - Yeah, Beth.

- Um, you have a high-school-aged child.

Was going on and on and on about your afternoons together.

She was saying that, uh, you guys spend

a lot of time together,

and she'd love it if you took her out to dinner.

I think she was kind of hoping for that, right, Beth?

- Oh, whatever. - Oh, were you?

I mean, uh, that'd be great.

Whatever.

- No, it's ca- we're both-we're casual.

- Yeah. - That's funny.

I just got a casual text myself

while you were in the bathroom.

Mm-hmm.

One or two?

- I don't know, why that - number one, obviously.

Number two-to be back that quickly would be...

- Well, I don't know. - Obviously, I was being-

You were very quick; he has IBS,

so I know it comes out quickly.

I have IBS.

Well, while you were...

peeing or shitting or whatever,

I got a text from Max

who wanted to know if I would go to The Lounge with him.

Oh, I love The Lounge.

Um, so I was thinking, maybe,

I would go.

What do you think?

- I think you should do whatever you want to do.

That's what I'll do.

Well, Beth, it was really great talking to you.

So great to see you.

Um, good luck with your...

son.

- Bye. - Bye.

She doesn't like me? Or...

- No, she likes you fine. She likes you fine.

- She doesn't like my son, I don't think.

No, no, no, no. She likes your son.

She likes your son.

- Um, so how -how have you been? What's goin' on?

- Oh, um, I've been great, actually. Um...

Kind of having fun.

Been having a lot of sex, actually.

- Sex is when the penis goes in the vagina, right?

- Yes, it is. - Just playing with you.

- Yeah. - You'll get there.

You guys'll get back there.

- But you're gonna go through dry periods too.

It's not a big deal.

- Yes, yes. - Not me.

I feel like I went through my dry period,

and I'm...

goin' through my wet period.

I guess I kind of have a slutty side.

But you're wearing protection, right?

Of course I'm wearing protection.

- I don't -it's not that I think you're having, like,

sex with homeless guys or anything.

And if you were, more power to you.

I just mean, you know,

you got to be careful, because sometimes,

beautiful packages are filled with AIDS.

You don't know.

I'm not sleeping with anyone with it.

I-I wear co-I'm-

Yes, I'm fine. I'm good.

I'm not an idiot.

- Hey, no. Good, good. - Sounds a little judgy.

But you know. - I'm sorry. I just...

I care about you, and... - I'm using protection.

- If you're, like, bangin' the whole neighborhood,

you should protect yourself, you know.

- Well, if I manage to bang the whole neighborhood,

I will use protection, so...

You are upsetting your daughter.

Um... so you guys, wow.

Just look at her. She's so big.

She is getting big.

She's eating all the time.

It's crazy that we have to baby-proof the house right now.

And it's just like nonstop-

Never ending. Doesn't stop.

It doesn't stop.

And Al loves modern furniture,

so we have all these, like,

angled tables and chairs.

Anyway, we have to protect-

we have to pad everything for the baby.

It's been a tornado.

Yeah.

Must-must be hard.

I guess, I feel like

the only thing is, is that every-

thank you.

Uh, everybody is always kind of, like,

"Oh, man, it's so hard.

Like, we got to baby-proof our pool," and, like,

"This is so rough.

We never sleep," and honestly,

if it was so fuckin' hard,

why has everybody been havin' babies

for, like, thousands of years?

- Please don't swear in front of the baby.

- She's not gonna absorb the word "fuck" at a brunch.

- There it is again. - Oh, my God.

See, this is...

This is why I really thought

it was just gonna be the two of us today.

I didn't realize it was a family outing with, like,

Mr. Checks and Balances over here.

Honestly, it seems to me like,

because you're not having any fun,

nobody else can have any fun.

- I want you to have fun, and by the way,

I'm having tons of fun.

- Yeah. - I'm having so much fun.

I love my baby, and I love Al, okay?

I just have a lot going on, and it's super stressful,

and sometimes I don't know which hat to wear when I'm with who.

This sucks.

I feel kind of like...

I don't want to be here right now.

I'm sorry, I just...

I got to go.

- Where are you going? - Anne...

- I-I-you know what? - Anne.

- I just-I got to go. I'm-I just...

- Where are you go- where are you-

what could you possibly doing right now?

I have a date.

You have a date in the morning?

- Yeah, I have a date. I have a morning date.

She doesn't have a date.

She doesn't have a date.

I have a date.

Oh, my God!

[laughing]

Suck it.

That's what happens when you mess with the bull.

You're very good at darts.

Yeah, I got better.

- Do you maybe want to, like, get goin'?

Or some-I mean, I have to go,

so, uh, I just - do you want to come?

- Um, you know, I think I'm gonna stay...

Okay, yeah.

And just kind of chill.

Okay.

Uh... awesome to see you.

Good to see you.

Okay.

Cool.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, wait, come here.

Oh.

Okay.

All right.

- See you. - I'll call you.

Okay.

Next week on the dramatic conclusion

of "Prisoner Of Love"..

I didn't expect to fall in love,

but I'm grateful that I did.

- As Johnny's prison term comes to a close,

the shocking verdict you've been waiting for all summer.

- I want to thank you both for doing time with me.

Unfortunately, I got to let one of you go.

- Two women could hold the key to Johnny's heart,

but only one will serve a life sentence.

- I don't know what I'll do if Johnny doesn't pick me.

I'm [bleep] unstable, y'all.

[upbeat jazzy music]

Jeff!

Jeff!

Anne?

Hey.

Hi.

What's up?

What's up with you?

- Don't worry, I'm not gonna make too much noise.

I won't wake up Beth or anything!

Well...

okay, then.

What's goin' on?

- Why you so interested what's going on in here?

Aren't you dating Max now?

I'm not here to talk about Max.

I'm here to talk to you.

In the last week, I just, like...

I can't stop thinking about you.

It's making me feel crazy.

Wow.

I mean, I used to think about you too.

You never noticed, so...

I didn't notice.

Why didn't you say anything?

- Because, I don't know - I don't know,

it seemed like you didn't...

Just didn't have the same...

Look, Anne.

I've come to a good place in my life.

Finally...

Moved on.

I think you should too.

- Just move on, and just walk away, and...

There's just nothing to talk about?

Thought is free.

What is that?

It's a quote.

It's Elizabethan.

Yeah, I'm not even gonna tell you.

I'm gonna - I'm gonna give you time.

- Is that how we sounded when we used to play that game?

'Cause it's pathetic.

Fuck you.

- I mean, we're -we're guessing quotes from books?

It's like...

Fuck you.

That's a quote from me.

Shit.

Oh, I got the machine again.

- It's not a machine. - What?

They're in the phone service.

Oh, hi, Jeff. It's your mom.

I got your message that you're not coming today.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Uh, but at least we'll see you for my birthday.

Yeah, I love you.

Uh, it's your mom.

That was good.

- Yeah? - Yeah, not too much pressure.

- I tried. - Yeah.

- Yeah, it says "Look, Slim's bitch got a litter now. "

It's-it's not his girlfriend.

It was-they were talking about the dog.

Mmm.

I thought she was just messy.

Is he not coming?

He didn't even call to cancel.

My therapist has a 24-hour cancellation policy,

and she's strict about it.

- So if you cancel, how much you have to pay?

- She charges me like $300, and she calls my parents.

- Why? - Well, I asked her to.

- Look, guys, what do you say we just pack it in, yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Let's just pack it in to your place.

Yeah, let's go to your place?

Uh, yeah, the-

there's kind of of a big difference between

joining a book club and hosting one, so.

- This is all we have, man. - It's all we have.

This is it.

I mean, this book club is what...

is what we have.

- I'm looking right at you, and I can tell that's true.

Yeah.

You guys are taking that really hard.

- I know, it's just like... what happened to Jeff?

You know? Who likes what he's become now?

- I don't. - I don't.

- Guys, I think we should be happy for our friend, all right?

I mean, he wanted to make a change, he did that,

and now he's out there doing what he wants.

- Did he make a change? He likes Anne now.

Is that really a change, or is that just more like,

"Oh, I've decided to like this girl. "

Wait, what do you mean he likes Anne?

- I think he's got, like, feelings for Anne now.

That's why he's acting so crazy.

I don't know; my brother's girlfriend's dad...

Rick.

- Rick. - Rickolas.

- Dude, his birth given name is not Richard.

It's Rickolas.

Asshole of a man found this on the ground.

Told me to give it back to him.

Total shithead, by the way.

- He really is a piece of human garbage.

Ah, Jeff.

- Whoa, is that what you do in a photo booth?

That's what they did.

That's four versions of what they did.

Yeah.

You could do whatever you want.

No, it makes sense, though, you know?

She's a plain Jane, and, you know,

he's a shell of a boring human being,

so I guess it works out.

- I don't think she's a plain Jane at all.

Anne? Anne's a string bean, man.

Come on, man, she's pretty plain.

You don't think Anne is sexy, though?

- You know, I like a little excitement in a woman, you know?

Like what?

I don't know. Breasts.

I like a nice big fat lady.

I'm not gonna lie. - Yeah, me too.

- All right, well, fellas, uh, I think I'm gonna split.

So good seeing you.

- All right. - It was good seeing you too.

- See you later. If you need us, just, uh,

you know, you have our phone numbers, right?

- So you guys are just gonna chill out here in the hall?

Yeah, we'll probably chill out here.

Okay.

It's good seeing you guys.

- Good seeing you too, bro. - Yeah.

Always a pleasure.

- Yeah. - See you.

"Mice and Men!"

"Mice and Men. " All right. Yeah.

"Of Mice... " "Of Mice and Men. "

It's "Of Mice and Men. "

It's "Of Mice and Men. "

"Of Mice and Men. "

Almost doesn't make sense.

And that guy was, like, a good writer.

Get it under all the way.

What, you don't think it...

You wouldn't know.

- You don't think I put it under there good enough?

- I don't know, I think you half -assed it.

All right, Mom.

[hip-hop music]

# Yeah, yeah #

# Putting it down for 90 #

# That's right #

# Yeah #

# You can't play a player #

# You can't play a player #

# Players like to play and parlay #

# Yeah #

# So let us players play #

# One time for your mind #

# Baby #

# Two times from behind #

# Trickers try to get me for my money #

# Now keep it, honey #

# I'm a street figure #

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, man.

Uh, I mean, this is my spot.

Right. Right.

This is your spot.

It's hard to keep track of spots.

'Cause I have spot-

I have spots all over town.

Look, dude, I, uh,

I didn't know you had a thing for Anne.

What? Anne?

That's crazy, man. - Sorry.

Whoever told you that, way wrong.

d All day, all day d

d Players like to play and parlay d

Well, I didn't know you smoked.

I don't smoke. I vape.

You want to hit it? - No, no.

- Come on, take a pull. - No, I'm good.

See what the future's all about.

- I'm all right, buddy. - It's just vapors.

I'm-I'm good. Thanks.

- You sure? - Yeah.

- Uh, if-did you come- did you come with Anne?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

She's just, um...

# Everybody huddle up #

# Everybody huddle up #

# Everybody huddle up #

# 'Cause I'm all about my money #

# Stackin' paper to the ceiling #

# You rolling 20 deep #

# Let 'em know you in the building #

White people are weird.

I don't understand - They are weird.

- What's wrong with a glass? - That's a nasty white girl.

- Just -what's wrong with a glass?

Whoo!

[slurping]

Nice!

- Oh, hey. - Anne's here.

- Yeah. - Oh, hi, I'm Beth.

- Hi. I'm-I'm Max. - Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

Speak of the devil.

Here she is.

[chuckles]

Um...

unfortunately, um,

I think we're gonna go get something to eat.

- Oh, you're -yeah, let's get something to eat.

I'm-I'm really hungry. - She's hungry.

So we're gonna- - So nice to see you.

Ooh!

What a great idea, Beth.

We'd love to join you.

Uh-I don't-I don't-

I'm not so sure that they were...

Oh, were you excluding us?

No, you can come.

What?

You can come.

- Oh, good; I didn't want to feel excluded.

That would feel bad.

- Yeah, you don't want to feel excluded.

No, I don't.

Okay, so we'll all go to dinner.

Oh, good. That's nice.

I want to go.

- Yeah? Okay. All right. - Okay.

- Just the way everyone likes to be invited.

By saying... - Yay!

- "You can come. " - Oh, super!

- It's gonna be fun. - Good? All right.

[accordion music]

[clanging]

Sure. Thanks.

- Some wine? - I'd love some, Max.

Thank you. - Say when.

That's perfect. Thank you.

Big-girl pour, huh?

- Mm. "Big-girl pour. " - Sure, thanks.

- Buddy? - Yeah, just a normal amount.

Don't be so judgmental.

Cheers. Yay.

Thank you.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, this is so delish.

You should teach a class in wine-tasting.

Yeah?

Or just knowing about wine.

What would we call it? Uh...

"Wine to the Max. "

Yeah, I like that.

Why don't you write that down?

Oh, Max. Ooh.

I like red wine too.

That's interesting, Beth.

- Is the wine going to aggravate your IBS?

Wine doesn't affect IBS.

I didn't know you had IBS.

- Yep. - We both do.

Yeah, they both have IBS.

Take probiotics.

I've heard that that doesn't work.

For real. No. It does.

- I bet it works. - Yeah.

- I bet it works. - Mm-hmm.

- Anne, I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

- Beth, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up.

I feel like when we met, maybe we...

Mm?

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

- Cool. - So.

You look really nice.

I'm not used to seeing you with this much makeup on.

- Cool; I'm so excited you approve of my look.

Yeah, you really went to town.

I went to town.

Here's to stepping out. Here's to going to town.

To clown town.

[forced laughter]

My son Brian is, um-

Oh, God!

[laughing] Tell us another story.

That would be great.

He's playing the clarinet.

- Oh. - And, um-

- I draw. - You do?

- Yeah, yeah, it's sketches and stuff, mostly.

- Yeah. - Charcoals.

Pastel stuff.

You can draw me if you want.

I would love to draw you.

I would love to be drawn by you.

Hope you have enough pastels.

Oh, original.

For the face.

Original.

Brian's been playing Klezmer music.

Oh, God.

Fucking Brian.

- I'm sorry about this. - It's okay.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm good.

I'm here with you. - Okay. Good.

Okay.

[slurping]

- I'm having a blast. I'm so glad we did this.

When are we doing it again?

Maybe we should get some food.

- Well, let's get some food. - Yeah.

- It's good idea. - Let's get our food.

Yeah.

[dramatic music]

[man singing in Italian]

[mouthing words]

[man continues singing in Italian]

[crickets chirping]

[dogs barking]

- You good? Yeah? - I'm great.

[exhales sharply]

- You all right? - Yeah.

- I'd invite you in, but I don't want to.

That's okay, because

I've kind of become afraid of you.

- That's -you think I don't know.

And you didn't give me dignity or closure.

And it's...

I wouldn't have said that a month ago.

[beeping]

Hey, Jeff, it's Anne.

I'm just calling to talk to you, so...

give me a call back.

You know my number.

[laughs]

Hey, Jeff, it's Anne.

I was just calling to... talk to you.

Um, I feel like... we never got, um,

that side of eggplant that we ordered,

and I was like. "Did we - did we pay for that?"

Hey, Jeff, I bet you're with Beth right now.

I just wanted to say that's cool by me.

'Cause guess who I'm with?

I'm with Brian.

I-I have Brian with me,

and I know that he's, um, allergic to peanuts.

So I'm just...

feeding him a bunch of peanuts.

[shouting] Jeff!

Hey, Jeffo!

Would you call me back, you stupid weirdo?

Are you even getting these?

Is this still your fuckin' phone number?

Jeff, what's up?

Jeff, I'm talking with my dog voice.

Call me back.

[muttering indistinctly]

[laughing]

Oh-oh. Hello?

I'm sorry, I thought I was actually-

I meant to call my friend Jeff.

He's been, um, kind of dogging me.

Give me a little phone call.

Call me up on the phone.

[knock on door]

- Is this something I'm gonna have to expect now?

Yes!

Why are you such a fucking dick?

What?

Why are you such a fucking di...

You're the one that's woken me up

two times this week in the middle of the night.

What is this fucking place?

It's my apartment.

- Why do you look - you look like you live

in a fucking Pottery Barn commercial!

Well, I ordered some stuff

to help with the transition.

It looks like a fucking catalogue!

- I'm trying to improve my life like we talked about!

What is your problem?

- I just feel like I don't even know you.

We agreed to do this together, okay?

And I feel like-

What was tonight?

What?

What-what the fuck are you talking about?

Why were you so weird at dinner?

- I wasn't - why was I weird?

Yeah?

- Why was I weird? You were the weird one.

Like, I-it's like we weren't even ever friends.

I feel like you're just shutting me out.

I mean, if-if you want to go out with Beth,

I don't fucking care.

I don't want to go out with Beth.

I'm just...

[instrumental music]

Why are you here?

I don't know.

dd

[moaning]

[birds chirping]

[cell phone vibrating]

Hi, Jeff, it's your mom.

Hi, Jeff, it's your mom.

Hi, Jeff, it's your mom. Hi, Jeff-

[sighing] Fuck.

Hi. Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Mm. Mm, my God.

I drank every bottle of wine... in Pennsylvania.

I ate all the meatballs.

[laughs]

[sighs]

Is there water on your side of the bed?

- No? - There's water in the kitchen.

- Hi. - Hi.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me.

[both chuckle]

Mm.

Are-are we okay?

We're cool?

Yeah. What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, yeah, yeah-

It's okay.

It's okay. Yeah, we're okay.

What are you talk-yeah.

- I just-I don't know. I never-

I'm not used to - I never had...

Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oops.

I hit one of them. Um, yeah, we're good.

We're so good. I, um...

Yeah, it's like, um..

What is that law?

Murphy's law?

No, it's like, no.

It's-no, I hope it was better...

Um, it's, like, a - what is that thing?

- Roe v. Wade? - Yeah-no!

[laughs]

Oh, God.

I hope it doesn't end up, um, there.

No, we used...

Yeah...

we used protection, and...

No, I was just saying that it's good to have

a one-night stand with a friend.

'Cause it's not - then it's not, you know...

It's kind of like...

You know? You know?

Uh... cool?

Cool.

- So maybe - maybe I should...

Yeah. Yeah.

I have, um - I have a ton of...

Stuff.

Yeah. - Can you help me?

- Mm? - Can you help me with my bra?

It's-I don't...

- Oh. - I want to be...

- Yeah. - Chaste. I...

Yeah. Sorry.

I will go as soon as-

No, no, no.

Whatever gets you out the door.

Okay.

[laughing] Okay, I'll leave. I'll leave.

No, no, no, no. I was kidding. Hold on.

No. Get out.

Do you want all four clasps done?

- No, just one is fine, 'cause I'm not very big-breasted.

Okay. There you go.

Um, cool.

Thank you.

That was fun.

It was weird.

- It was fun. - That was weird, right?

Yeah, it was weird.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

- I will never do - I will...

Um...

- Okay. - Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Yeah.

[giggles]

[light acoustic guitar music]

- It's so hard to take a good selfie these days.

Mm-hmm.

- I mean, it's more than just the angle, you know?

You got to think about lighting.

And I've been thinking about getting some work done.

I've noticed, in my profile picture,

that my chin looks a little bit weak,

and I think that getting surgery on my jawline

would really improve my profile.

- Mm. - Yeah.

So my friend knows this doctor around here,

and she's used him for a couple procedures,

and she looks amazing.

So I'm thinking about using him.

Well, be yourself.

Everyone else is taken, right?

- Um, yeah, but I just want to be a better version,

so in Instagram, I'll have, like, a lot of likes.

# Down the drain #

# I need a little hallelujah #

# To feel no pain #

# To feel... #

I think it's time, hon'. Go ahead.

# No pain #

# A song for your birthday #

# A knock on your door #

This message is for Jeffrey Lowry.

This is Stacy from Four Star Furniture Rental.

We've tried to reach you several times

regarding your delinquent payments on your living room

and bedroom set rentals.

If the payment is not received, we'll be forced

to repossess these items.

Please ret-

# Rhyming with dread #

# My bulldog reflection #

# Stares back from my mirror instead #

# I need a little hallelujah #

# To feel no pain #

[moody music]

[items clattering]

Ms. Martin.

Principal Miller.

- I understand you had a very interesting summer.

What, did you get a makeover at the meth mall?

We're shaping young minds here.

Yeah, speaking of...

How's Enrique?

How's his wife?

[sighing] Oh, God!

All right.

Show of hands.

Who here's been watching, uh, "Prisoner Of Love" this summer?

Mm? Anybody?

Can anybody tell me who, uh, Johnny picked?

If you do, you, uh...

You get this, uh, shitty nail polish.

No?

Great, y'all suck.

[tapping]

So... brah.

How was your sums?

Pretty awesome.

Did you party?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

I got into it a little.

Yeah?

Shot some darts, smoked some eCigs.

I smoke real cigs.

Real cigs are cool, but, you know,

Stephen Dorff smokes the eCigs.

- Can I get back to the principal's office,

or... do you need me for anything else?

- But you're gonna finish up strong, right?

Senior year.

None of this stuff.

Yeah, all right.

Up top.

Okay.

Welcome back.

[melancholy music]

Anne, what do you want?

I'm sorry.

I fucked up.

Yeah, you did.

You've been a horrible friend

and, like, a shit-show of a human being.

You think you're the only person

having an identity crisis?

Okay?

I-I am completely lost.

Completely.

[sighs]

[chuckles] Dude, you look terrible.

I know.

I've been hungover for, like, two months.

I-I miss you.

I miss you too.

Can I have a hug?

Thanks.

[both sigh]

Um... oh, geeps.

- What? - Beth and everything.

I screwed that up too.

We, like, um...

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we had sex.

Yes! Tha-finally!

No, it's the worst.

It, like, fucked everything up,

and its so awkward, and it's so clich�!

And I have no idea what to do.

Okay, you know what?

Baby steps.

One: shower.

Yeah, I smell.

Two: nap.

- Shower, nap. - Shower, nap.

Maybe a little tooth-brushing.

Yeah.

- That's important. - It's been a long summer.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, bye.

[door bell dings]

[door squeaking]

Mom, I'm so sorry I missed the party.

- It was hard for me, not having you here.

I think, subconsciously,

I might have lost track of the days.

You know, I know how badly you wanted me

to bring someone to the party.

I'm just, I'm - I'm having a hard time.

- I'm sorry. - No, no.

I just think you're terrific.

[scoffs]

- All I want is for my kid to be happy with who he is...

Gay or straight. - Okay.

Got to throw that in here, huh?

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Oh, balloons arrived.

Yup.

[knock on door]

Oh, hey, man. Uh...

Here's your jacket back.

Yeah. Um...

Look, I-I'd invite you in,

but I'm not actually alone, so.

Okay.

Shit. You know what? All right.

I'm just gonna be up-front about this.

Um, 'cause we're buddies-

- Who's here? - It just kind of happened.

We just- - Oh.

[clears throat]

Hey, Jeff.

Max took me out to a really nice dinner,

and we were just about to get into some sex.

Yeah. Dry-rub barbecue.

- Well, I just -I want to apologize for, uh,

the way I treated you.

And if I was weird or, um,

there were any head games or anything,

it-it's my fault.

I was-I was a bit...

out of my head, so I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I got the sense that Brian wasn't comfortable around you,

and that's kind of a deal-breaker with me.

I'll let you guys talk.

Okay.

Bye, Jeff.

Who the fuck is Brian?

Brian's her son.

Oh.

He's into rocks and space.

That's lame.

How does this affect you and, uh...

Anne?

Not that I'm...

Look, man.

Nothing happened with Anne, okay?

She had a crush. She got over it.

She told me that herself, so it's all good.

Cool.

Look, you're a good guy.

Okay?

And what you and Anne could have,

that could be the real thing.

Me and Beth? I mean, come on.

As soon as we're done, I'm moving on.

I heard that.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

She's fine.

Okay.

Okay.

You're gonna be okay, Jeff.

You're gonna be okay.

All right, you ready? - Mm-hmm.

Yup, get 'em off!

- "The old man opened his eyes, and for a moment,

"he was coming back from a long way away.

Then he smiled. "

[soft acoustic guitar music]

"That was a memorable day to me,

for it made great changes in me. "

# The river is wide #

# It's tangled and dry #

# But I still remember you here #

# Swimming in the middle #

"You never really understand a person

until you consider things from his point of view. "

[sighs]

- # A red bird sings from the sycamore tree #

# Some kind of eloquent echo #

# I live #

# In the middle #

- "I've been drunk for about a week now,

and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library. "

- # The shadows and leaves unlock my heart #

# Just like a key #

# Like a key #

[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

It's "Tommyland. "

[laughing]

"I've always tried to take the high road

when I get into fucked up shit with people. "

# The river is wide #

# It's tangled and dry #

# But I still remember you here #

# Swimming #

# In the middle #

# A red bird sings from the sycamore tree #

# Some kind of eloquent echo #

# I live in the middle #

# The shadows and leaves unlock my heart #

# Just like a key #

# Like a key #

Hi.

Hello.

This is really beautiful.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I'm glad.

Especially the "Tommyland" part.

Yeah, well, he is the...

greatest American author who was also in Motley Crue.

Yeah, I agree.

Did you get a bike?

Oh, no.

I thought it would look cool

if I was standing in front of it.

It looks very cool.

Definitely shouldn't have touched it.

[laughing] No.

Come here.

How was your summer?

It sucked.

Oh, mine was the shittiest.

[laughing]

I turned into an asshole.

# I have spent here #

# I have never wandered #

# I live #

You know, I am really sorry

about calling the game pathetic.

I don't-I don't think the game's pathetic.

I love the game.

I love the game too, but...

it's really dorky.

Yeah, but we're dorks.

- We are dorks, and there's nothing wrong with that.

And I am King Dork.

[laughing] Yeah.

You could be my queen.

I'd love to be your queen.

Well, then we're dork royalty.

[laughing] Yeah.

# And brings you right back home to me #

# And brings you right back home to me #

Uh, hey, guys. Um, sorry.

Do you know what time it is?

Get out of here!

I will fucking murder you in public!

Are you serious right now?

Bad timing!

[moaning]

[upbeat percussive music]

Just so you know,

I was never fully comfortable with Brian.

Why, because he's a magician?

Or because he's...

an extraordinarily intelligent person for his age group, or...

- You can be a magician- - Because he's kind?

You can be a magician

and not wear a cape around the house with nothing else on.

- Who's Brian? - [laughing]

- You don't look like you have bones under your skin.

Like, you're just... all...

Baby body meat.

[laughter]

- Wait, why are you hanging out at kids' schools?

- Yeah, what were you doing by the school?

- It was just random. I was watching someone.

Who?

[laughter]

A little discharge.

Okay, I'm gonna write down "a little discharge".

And I'm gonna write "Anne"

right next to "a little discharge".

[Anne laughs]

[laughter]

Put Beth on the phone.

Put Beth on the phone right now

'cause I'm gonna eat the-no!

I'm not gonna say it.

[whispering] I'm gonna eat the shit

out of his butthole.

[laughter]

- You're the Rickolas. - I'm a grown man!

You're the nasty guy.

And you're treating me like a child.

Well, you're acting like a child.

How am I-

[squealing]

Right. Ow!

[both laughing]

Oh, God...

- I just want you to know... - Shut the fuck up.

- That I know it was Brian... - You shut the fuck up.

That took a shit in my car.

He took a shit in your car?

Oh, yeah. He took a shit in my car.

I saw him go in there.

I saw him perch like an owl on the backseat.

And then when I got in the front seat,

there was a big deuce in the back.

- Her parents are, um, super -creative.

That's why they gave her the name Smanda.

They're both artists.

What kind of art do they do?

They make rugs.

Then they're rug makers.

No, they're artists.

You have to be an artist to make a beautiful rug.

Sorry. You have to make-

[laughing]

[retching]

[laughter]

Also, this.

- Yeah, well, I don't know what this is.

[laughs] - That?

Well, when you do that, it just...

it makes you look super...

Like I'm whipping money?

[laughs]

No.

Hey, let me try it.

Cool.

[laughing]

- No. - See?

It just sounded like a question

but also a complaint.

Did it?

[laughing]

[laughter]

What kind of dirt would get...

under there?

Gra-like gravel.

Okay, so you've killed a woman.

No, I just know,

because I've seen movies, and I've read books.

- About killing women? So you're interested in it.

No. I'm not. I was forced to.

Forced?

- I was forced to read books about killing women.

- By who? - Him.

[laughter]