All language subtitles for Shameless Hall of Shame s01e05 Fiona Go Fiona On Them.eng

rock music

-All right.
-Is it recording?

Yeah.
[clears throat]

Um, hi.

I, uh, I'm Carl Gallagher.

You had to think about that?

No, it's just weird.

Hi.
I'm Deborah Margaret Gallagher.

-Deborah Margaret?
-It's my real name.

It is?

[scoffs]
Glad you know me so well.

No one gives a fuck about you.

They wanna hear about Fiona.

[scoffs]

Yes, Team Fiona!

[laughs]

Take a ride

Take a ride
on the wild side

All right.

[Fiona]
I'm a fun person.

-[siren chirps]
-Shit!

[officer]
Hey!

[Fiona]
I like to have fun.

Ah! Ahh!

Yee-hee-hee!

What? What?

Take a joyride

Let's go on a journey
to the bright side

Don't know
where we're heading

But it's all right

Better than all right

-Really?
-They're free.

Joyride

-Whoo!
-[laughing]

[laughter]

Whoo!

A dream inside of my mind

Better hold on tight

[laughing]

Ah!

-[crowd cheering]
-Oh, my gosh!

[laughs]

Why are we doing this anyway?

Is it, like, for a job
or some shit?

She's trying out
for some dating reality show.

-That why you all dressed up?
-No.

"I'm Deborah Margaret, and I
like to dress to sit around--"

Shut the fuck up.

We're supposed to be talking
about Fiona's character.

[both]
She has no character.

You owe me a beer!

rock music

Fiona Gallagher, you have
the right to remain silent.

Anything you say

can and will
be used against you

in a court of law.

A little early for a drink,
isn't it?

All right, Mom.
I'm gonna turn in.

Lost my job today.

Fuckin' the boss?

Nah. Nephew.

[Lucy]
That's for fucking my husband!

Slut!

Tell me all about it

Did you know he was married?

Well, it's a good thing that
I met up with Craig Heisner.

He's married.

What about your wife?

Babe, I'm all about it

[sighs]
At least it's chocolate.

Liam, we gotta get you
onto this potty.

We could take some of the money
that we spend on diapers

and buy you candy.

Ah, rewards for shitting.

The good old days.

Whoa, Debs,
whose blood is that?

Hard to say.

Could be Holly's.
Could be Ellie's.

As your legal guardian,
I'm obligated

to say violence is wrong,
but those bitches deserved it.

Maybe I'm tired of playing
Susie fucking Sunshine

all the time, huh?

Fuck you, Mom.

You smell like
a bar room floor.

It's mouthwash.
I just gargled.

-I have something to tell you.
-Knock first!

[Fiona] Let's go to the clinic
right now.

[Debbie]
Oh, my God.

How many times
do I have to tell you

I am not killing my baby?

I hate your hair.

A gun?

DFS took the kids this morning.

School starts today?

I'm in charge of this family.

One, two, three

Neither one of us has a job.

One week
with me as their guardian,

they're about to be homeless.

[Lip] What was the final tally
of the purse?

526 bucks.

I heart Sizzler.

[electricity crackles]

[Fiona]
Damn it. Carl!

[Jimmy] Did Carl blow up
the neighborhood again?

No, I forgot to pay the bill.

Ugh.

The hell?

I don't even give a what

Fuck.

Oh, FYI, water got shut off.

You should probably
pay the bill.

Guess who just got
fuckin' fired!

Gonna hang around here
drinking all day?

I might eat something, too.

I'll have money for you
later today.

[Debbie] Any chance
you could get it to me now?

Bailing you out of jail last
week kind of cleaned me out.

One, two, three

[judge]
Read the charges.

[attorney] Possession
of a controlled substance

and child endangerment.

How does the defendant plead?

Guilty, Your Honor.

Get back

I got all the therapy you
could ever need right here.

Guess we're not
having turkey tomorrow.

Too expensive.

Gotta use pawn shop money
for the bills.

Can you hit me
with a milk refill?

She wasn't shoplifting.

She forgot to pay.

It's a symptom of her low IQ.

She's retarded?

That's a deeply offensive word.

That's right, Debs.
You tell her.

[Mickey groaning, screaming]

Who the hell are you?

I'm Brittany Sturgess
from Child Protective Services.

Truth is,

I don't know what a good
mother's supposed to be like.

Fiona was always telling us
she was a good mother,

like, a lot, all the time.

So does that make it true?

Does that make her
a good mother?

Like, when someone
tells you something

that they always want you
to believe in.

Like, do I believe that she
was a good mother, for real?

Or do I just believe
that she was a good mother

because she was always telling
us she was a good mother?

[sniffs, sighs]
Fuck.

I don't know.

My head hurts.

lively music

I'm raising five kids.

What's your excuse?

Shut the fuck up!

I am the one
who saw to your survival

since you were babies.

[Debbie] Do you ever check
for carbon monoxide leaks?

No. Too busy.

You know, raising five kids
and Frank.

I have five kids.

They're my siblings,
but I raise them.

I'm raising a sociopath.

You're graduating.

I didn't,
and I still regret it.

-Who's stopping you?
-Debbie, Carl, Liam, you.

I'm not taking care
of another kid.

I raised five fucking kids.

There's no way you're going
to be able to raise a baby,

and I am going to get stuck
doing it!

You feel like the world would
stop spinning on its axis

if you take a night off.

You know when a plane
starts going down

and they tell you
to put your mask on

before helping anyone else?

Put your mask on, Fiona!

Yeah?

Well, I've never
been on a plane!

soft music

You know, being guardian
doesn't make you super-mom.

You noticed.

Could I possibly
be doing a worse job

of raising these kids?

Liam isn't smoking crack.

I'm just saying, uh,
it's not all on you.

I hope I'm not fucking up
the kids.

Thanks.

You don't

[Fiona]
She left!

I was nine!

Taking care of all of us.

My job is to keep
this house going.

We're locking up the house.

Busting my ass,
making meals,

keeping everything straight.

Can you give me a minute first?

Sure.

[Fiona] This is about
what I did, and you know what?

I did a fuckin' great job.

No one

[Fiona]
Debbie is on the debate team.

Going to nationals.

Lip, top of his class.

He set the curve.

Ian was promoted in ROTC,

and he tested out of English,

and Carl made something
blow up for his science fair,

and you know what?

They did it all,
no thanks to you,

because you weren't here.

Are you prepared
to assume custody?

I am.

[judge]
If you decide to do this,

there's no changing your mind.

We're talking about
the rest of your life.

Do you agree to be the guardian
of these children?

Yes, I do.

They'd still be my kids,

but she'd have
all the responsibility?

Works for me.

Take your children home.

[all cheering]

It's the same thing

Right or wrong

Let's see here.

Here we go.

Hi. How are you?

Um, so you want to know

about Fiona.

Now, remind me, which one
is Fiona again?

I'm joking.

She is my sister.

She's four years older.

Good soul.

She, uh, ran this household.

She was the, uh, the glue,

held this family together.

We couldn't have survived
without her.

[laughs]

relaxed music

You think you guys can survive
one night without Fiona?

No!

[laughs]

Kidding.

-Sure.
-Yeah, have a great time.

The rush is starting!

I can't do breakfast
and set up for daycare

all at the same time.

Carl, I took down
half of the pool.

You have to do the rest.

Look, you gotta
get a job this summer

so we can make it
through the winter, all right?

Molly, wipe down the extra
saucers and teething toys,

and check the nap pads
for head lice and boogers.

Come on, Liam, we gotta get you
to your fancy school.

Fiona says I can take him.

Fiona's not in charge anymore.

We have dollar a cookie,
buck fifty a brownie,

70 for the gun.

upbeat music

Oh.

Can you do this?

[Debbie] Make sure he drinks
the whole thing.

He needs his electrolytes.

[Carl] I've been helping Debbie
with daycare.

Who wants a bonus story?

[all]
Me!

This is called

"Fiona's Thoughts,
Sophomore Year, 2006."

"Flirted with Craig Heisner
today.

"His ass looked great
in his jeans.

I bet he could really pick me
up and throw me around."

[Lip] Yo, Carl, we taking
all them to school, too?

[Carl] No, back to the parking
lot where they live.

-We're not all gonna fit.
-Sure we will.

Check, check,
check this out

Frosted Flakes, Bisquick,
and--ooh, ooh!

Even got a couple
of two-for-ones for Tide.

Brought some
popcorn shrimp back

from my shitty-ass job.

What's all that shit?

My welding gear.

[Carl]
The hell is it for?

The future.

[Carl]
But, come payday,

you'll see
who the real captain is.

[grunts]
Got it.

That's disgusting.

I should add "plumber"
to my welding résumé.

-That's your kid?
-Yep.

Not afraid
to knock a bitch up.

You game?

We got these from Imelda
over at the Holiday Inn.

It'll be a good way
to stay warm.

3 1/2 Gs?
I got you covered.

You want hunnies
or small bills?

[Fiona] You're watching Liam
today, remember?

I haven't abused marijuana
like the rest of you,

so, yes, I remember.

Uh, working furnace, Debs?

On it!

[grunts]

Buy back the house.

No, look, look, look.

Don't--
don't get me wrong, okay?

Fiona tried
her absolute best, okay?

But if we were keeping score,
which, of course, we're not,

right, I think there
may have been somebody else

who held the family together
just a little bit better,

and I think that someone...

might be standing
in this kitchen right now.

[grunts softly]

Huh.

I guess it must be me.

Adding the last 50 bucks
to the property tax, yo.

I don't have it.

How long we doing this for?

Figure we park 30 more cars,

make enough money
to cover the property tax,

at which time, people
will probably start to realize

Wilco's not playing
at Fiona's club.

Then we bolt.

Hey, there, fella.
[sniffs]

Ooh, let's go take the Browns
to the Super Bowl, huh?

No coffee.
Milk or juice.

Okay, we got your favorite,
banana pancakes.

-Oh, love banana pancakes.
-There you go.

Oh, make yourself at home.

Thousand bucks
in the squirrel fund

before you go back to school.

I've got this.

Hey, Carl, go upstairs.

Get your toothbrush
and something to sleep in.

Look, I'll take Liam
to school today.

I'll grab us some dinner
while I'm there.

No worries.
No worries.

I'll stay up all night
studying.

I mean, what the fuck?

It's just
an applied physics quiz.

[Debbie]
Outstanding bills.

Electric and rent
are late, too?

-We out of diapers?
-Yeah.

But I put a plug up his butt,
didn't I, buddy?

What's that smell?

Frank, stop smoking weed!

We're gonna get
out of here, okay?

We'll be back
for dinner tonight.

-No. Lip.
-Fiona, just get some sleep.

Sort your shit out.

I didn't ask to play mom,
all right?

[Debbie]
Neither did she.

So, what,
you want me to bust my ass

so I can buy you all houses
and shit?

What did you think
was gonna happen, Fiona?

Liam almost died!

How 'bout that, huh?

[Fiona]
Fuckin' Lip, man.

He's a righteous
fuckin' prick.

No, I expected you to not be
drunk in the middle of the day!

All fucking you!

Your coke, your boyfriend,

your fucked-up life!

Not mine!

He's on fire

Now, I'm not saying
that I was perfect,

and, I mean, I definitely
had my own issues.

I am, after all,
my father's son.

I used to partake
in a glass or two

of alcoholic refreshments,

and Fiona
is her father's daughter,

so she, too,
liked the, um, glug-glug.

You know, I often wondered,
if there was a contest,

who could drink who
under the table.

Hi.
My name is Fiona.

I'm not sure
if I'm an alcoholic.

[laughing]

upbeat music

Hey, I need a drink.

Hey.
Can I get another?

What you having?

Vodka.

-What are you drinking?
-Uh, beer.

-Have you been drinking?
-Have you?

[scoffs]

[laughs]

You're drunk.

[groans]
I'm gonna puke.

[Clay]
Did she say she's gonna puke?

[Ellen]
Hey, that doesn't open.

[Clay]
Do not puke in the van.

[Ellen]
Oh, God.

-[vomiting]
-Oh, damn.

[Lip vomiting]

[vomiting]

[vomiting]

[vomits]

Oh, Jesus! Fuck!

Gallagher rain.
[laughs]

Ugh.

Cheers.

[Carl]
What the hell are you doing?

Trying to get
this fucking beef...

in the oven.

You gotta get in there, beef!

[grunting]

-Hair of the dog?
-[grunts]

bluesy music

My pulse beat out
a warning

[groans]

-[phone ringing]
-[groaning]

Her stare cuts me
like a freeze

[sighs]

Yeah, I'm in deep

[groans]
Christ.

Yeah, baby, I'm in deep

[grunts]

And if you won't
just let it be

You gotta believe

[knock at door]

Hungry?

Don't.

Chicken pot pie?

-I'm serious.
-Sloppy joes?

Stop. Fiona.

I don't know,
now that I'm thinking of it...

you know, perhaps our behavior
while intoxicated

was, uh, less than exemplary.

Uh, Fiona and I,

we're probably a lot more alike
than I'm willing to admit.

I'll put it this way.

If Fiona and I
were in a band together,

we'd be called
The Chaos Junkies.

bluesy music

[grunting]

[car alarm blaring]

[bystander]
Whoa!

[Mallory]
Hey, that bitch stole my oxy!

Fucking skank bitch!
Get her!

Catch me, I'm falling

South Side piece of shit!

- Catch me, I'm falling
-[laughing]

On hard times again

Hard times, hard times

It's sending me
around the bend

Hard times

[Lip]
Oh, fuck.

You have a bedroom, Lip.

Yeah, says the girl who had sex
on the stairs last night.

-Hallway.
-Stand corrected.

rock music

[crowd cheering]

[driver]
Bitch!

Chaos, Fiona.
Chaos follows you around.

[Fiona]
Fuck you!

Least I don't have
a tiny penis!

[brakes squealing]

Oh, shit.
Back up, back up, back up!

[screams]
Oh, my God!

[driver]
What are you doing?

[brakes squeal]

You don't care about me
anymore

[crowd cheering]

Kick him back.
You're punching like a fag.

Come on.

Yo, wakey, wakey.

-Get the fuck away from me!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy!

This dressing
contains mayonnaise,

and I'm allergic to eggs.

I'm allergic
to people with allergies.

I'm never coming back.

[Fiona] Okay, 'cause
what I could really use

are some more customers
who are allergic to food.

Bye.

[laughing]

There are good drunks
and bad drunks.

A good drunk is fun.

[laughing]

A bad drunk
wants to have a fight.

Fuck your fence.

A good drunk
lives in the present.

A bad drunk
is thinking about yesterday.

[Lip]
The fuck?

You put my shit
on the fucking curb?

It's all about gas
and the brakes.

[belches]
How you feel?

-[coughs]
-Great.

-Wanna do another one?
-Yeah.

No.

You feel good, right?

So take a break, driver eight.

rock music

Wake up, sleepyhead.

Oh, fuck.

It's the middle
of the day, man.

[grunts]

Wait, you want
another sex video?

[Ian]
No, doofus. Remember?

We're supposed to record
a few words about Fiona.

Oh, your bitch of a sister?

Whoa.
Why you saying that?

'Cause all she ever did
was boss you guys around.

First of the month.
Pony up.

Hey, dishes to the sink.

When you find something
that isn't yours,

keep it that way.

Let's go.

Put that stroller
back in the garbage.

School supplies and clothing.
Nothing else.

Don't get any ideas.

Oh! No peep holes!

Hey, brush your teeth, now.

Debbie, go brush your teeth.

-You both brush your teeth?
-[both] Yes!

Someone get the door.

Carl, what the hell?

Where are you, Ian?

This is your sister
and your boss.

You're really gonna smoke this
right in front of me?

Maybe next time
you'll do what I ask.

Find Carl and get home, now.

-I asked you to clean up.
-Did ya?

-Okay.
-The fuck?

Party is over, now.

-Man, let's go. This some...
-Everybody out!

Bye!

Those are my fuckin' Fritos.

Hey, Gallaghers,

I need focus and cooperation.

Debbie, go get everyone so we
can get our stories straight.

It's not up for discussion.

You're gonna dress like
a fucking law-abiding citizen

whether you like it or not.

In bed by midnight.
No exceptions.

You're filthy.
Go take a shower.

Both need showers.
You're rank.

No more playing dress-up.
Hymen stays intact.

No. Absolutely not.

No more peeing off the balcony.

Debbie, that is not the outfit

that we picked out
for your first day.

It's not stripper school.
Go change.

Carl!

Morning, Mrs. Babiak.

There's a toilet right there.

Mrs. Babiak doesn't need
an anatomy lesson.

Please, Mrs. Babiak's
got my 18th birthday circled

on her calendar.

Don't forget to take your meds.

Don't forget
to take your meds.

-Meds?
-Yes, Mom.

Are they giving you your meds
in there?

Okay, she was bossy

and bitchy,

but maybe we could say it
in a nicer way.

Cunty.

-Much nicer.
-Thanks.

No, I think she was just
stressed all the time

and overwhelmed.

I mean, can you imagine
having to wake up

five jerk-off kids
every morning

and trying to get them
out the door to school?

Kids, breakfast!

Rise and shine!

Good morning, Milk Dud!

School. Hey. Up.

[knocks loudly]
Up.

Up and at 'em!

Let's go, Frank.
Showtime.

Jesus.

Ten minutes to get downstairs!

Get up and get to school.

You're gonna be late
for school.

Why aren't you getting ready
for school?

School.

School, remember?

15 minutes before school, tops.

Debbie, come in
and eat your breakfast, okay?

You're up next in the shower.

Eat, now.

Debs, Lip, come and get it!

Eat more than just a Pop-Tart.

No more popsicles
for breakfast, okay?

No pizza.
Fruit or juice.

No pie.
Get in the shower.

I'm not saying it again.

-[Debbie] Lunch?
-Shit.

Would you grab the paper bags?

Here. Go.

Don't forget your lunch.

Late start this morning, guys.

-Sorry. You're on your own.
-Where's my lunch?

You're each gettin' $3 to buy
your very own school lunch.

Gallagher clan is flush.

We're creepin' up
on the poverty line.

Hey, bat stays here.

You're gonna be late.
Go.

-Bye.
-Everyone out.

Shit!

Hey, guys!

[monitor beeping rapidly]

[sighs]

What'd she have
to be stressed about?

-She was gettin' plenty of D.
-[Ian chuckles]

Oh, hey,
reality show dating people,

get ready
to have your dick sucked.

Whoa, what's good?

I heard you
up in my neighborhood

Heard you up in my
neighborhood

-Ah!
- Whoa, what's good?

Daddy, come over

Let me get you
stoned, stoned, stoned

I heard you
up in my neighborhood

- You nasty
-[Fiona moaning]

There was always a revolving
door of guys in this place.

Yeah, she had more cock in her
than a bus station urinal, man.

[chuckles]

lively music

-[laughs]
-Ooh.

[Veronica] Come on, I saw
the way you looked at Steve

like a D-O-G in heat.

Not true.

You never looked
at the other 95 guys that way.

Don't exaggerate. 94.

Take a look.
Al's Beef.

[moans]
I think I just came.

I've been dating this guy,
Steve.

About all we have is passion.

Mm...
[chuckles]

Or two?

Oh, God, one!

-Who the fuck is Candice?
-Who?

-Uh, morning.
-This is Gus.

Boyfriend and girlfriend
or just fuck buddies?

Welcome to my family.

Last night was my first time.
Ever.

Tony, are you saying
you were a...

Virgin?

Holy shit.
You popped his cherry?

It's a big thing.

It's above average.
[chuckles]

Yes.

You and Mike getting serious?

[laughs]

-I like him.
-Sex good?

I don't know yet.

[Kev]
First date Fiona?

The girl who puts out

waiting in line
at the Wendy's drive-thru?

Who told you that?
Ronnie Finnegan?

Ben Troutman.
Jesus Christ.

You've done that
more than once?

[Fiona]
Is this a date?

Why?
Are you hoping it is a date?

Or you're afraid
we got mixed signals?

I like the signals.

dance music

[gasps]
Oh, fuck!

-Nice to meet you.
-Mm-hmm.

You're pretty damn intriguing.

How intriguing?

He's your boyfriend's brother!

What are you doing here?

Trying to get it
through your thick skull

that this is over.

Could've called.

Or used Facebook.

I'm not on Facebook.

What do you want me to say?

That--that I'm
self-destructive?

That liars and thieves
and addicts turn me on?

That I don't know how to do
a normal relationship?

Was that so hard?

-Uh-oh.
-What?

Oh, fuck.
Is it lice?

This is a completely new brand
of foreplay for me.

You really know how to keep it
interesting, Gallagher.

What are you doing?

Ah, just burning my clothes.

Why?

Ah, you don't need to know.

I'm bringing you there.

Oh, this motel?
It's classy.

Rooms by the hour.

That's why it's fun.

Usually, by this time
in a relationship,

the guy starts just showing up
for late-night booty calls

or wants me
to meet his mother.

Your lady sure knows her way
around a cucumber.

Whoa!

Either way, I start looking

for reasons to walk.

This is why you need Tinder.

Give me your phone.

Just swipe, fuck, leave.

V, where are you?

You're drunk.

I just Tinder fucked.

Six pack,
only in town for a week.

What's the tattoo?

[Fiona]
Mm. Whoa.

Sex and back to thinking money.

[laughs]
What are you?

My financial consultant?

You mean you're actually
a financial consultant?

What's wrong with your neck?

Weird rash.

Hmm.
It's mouth-shaped.

-Slut.
-I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, I'll spank her later.

Her?
What about me?

-[Gus] Know what's weird?
-Hmm?

Sitting at a family diner
with an erection.

I'll keep that image in mind

while I'm clearing plates
of fried eggs.

[crowd cheering]

[laughing]
Ah!

[laughs]

upbeat music

I love you.

Did I mention that I'm
falling in love with you?

I fucking love you, okay?

What I want is Fiona.

I love her.

Love is fleeting, Jimmy.

Do you know
what he just told me?

That he's fallin'
in love with me.

You didn't say it back,
did you?

I'm falling in love
with you, too.

-No.
-Good girl.

[Fiona]
But I'm, like, freakin' out.

I'm, like, tingling.

[phone beeps, music stops]

Hello?

Come with me.

Costa Rica.

Well, I don't have a passport.

We'll get one in Miami.

sweeping music

-Wanna get married?
-I'd marry you.

Well, if it were up to me,
I'd do it today.

Do it right now.

This is stupid, right?

-Right.
-Should we just go?

Gus Pfender
and Fiona Gallagher.

How are you today,
Mrs. Pfender?

You're the one sleepin'
with a married woman.

What's that make you?

Lucky.

If I proposed to you
with this big-ass ring,

you'd be so impressed.

Oh, the timing's
a little weird.

The ink's barely dry
on your divorce.

I didn't think your wedding

was gonna become
an annual tradition

like Thanksgiving.

We're good for each other.

Oh!

[Sean] Oh, you should not
have done that.

[Fiona] Oh, yeah?
[laughs]

[crowd cheering]

Where'd you learn about music?
You living on Mars?

-Your mom.
-Oh, yeah?

-Last time I banged her.
-Oh, yeah.

That makes a lot more sense.
She has awful taste.

[singing with recording]
Tell me everywhere

You wanna go

When you can't find
the magic

You are awful.

[singing with recording]
Yee-hee

I love you.

[chuckling]
Oh, fuck you.

Do you still love me?

-Don't do it.
-No.

[Carl]
Oh, Fiona.

upbeat music

I misread that, didn't I?

Scrub my back?

You want me
to scrub your back?

-[laughing]
-[grunts]

Most of the guys weren't
very nice to her, though.

Well, she had a bad picker.
It's probably why you're gay.

What?

How so?

Isn't that, like,
textbook psychology?

You know, she never showed you,
like, a good example

of a straight relationship
or something.

And that's why I'm gay?

[Mickey]
Probably.

Not because I'm born this way?

What am I, a fuckin' scientist?

I don't know.

Or because I like your D
very much.

No.

Nothing to do with that.

Don't fuckin' stop.

So this that I'm doing
with my hand right now...

only has to do with Fiona's
shitty boyfriends?

Exactly.

[bell dings]

Oh!

percussive music

[sighs]

Maybe you buy me a drink
to make up for it?

You think I wanna buy you
a fuckin' drink?

[scoffs]
Here we go.

-So no?
-You know, apparently,

you can break
their fuckin' nose, and still,

they think you wanna fuck them.

You know why?

'Cause all men
are fuckin' scum!

All of them!

Can you believe
that this guy today

told me I was complicated?

[all]
Yes.

Are you serious?
How?

You married that guy
after, like, a week.

There's a little part of me
that wonders

if we didn't make
a big fuckin' mistake.

Then let's make it the most fun

big fuckin' mistake
we ever made.

And you cheated on him with
your car thief ex-boyfriend.

I slept with my ex.

This must be the hubby.

How's it going, man?
How you doing?

[Fiona]
Oh, my God!

-God!
-What the fuck?

Nice to meet you!

You had several
different names.

Everything's great,
Jimmy-Steve.

His name's Jimmy now.

Steve was just
a--an alias he used

to lie to me
about who he really was.

Ooh, not cool, Jimmy-Steve.

Fuck that.
And I'm calling him Steve.

Jack's a good thief, Fiona,

but a shitty person.

Jack.

Why does my name
have to make a difference?

[Ian] Almost married
a heroin addict.

He might seem like a good guy,

but I thought the same thing
when he was my fiancé,

and he lies, and he steals,

and if you're ever fucking

and you notice track marks
on his arms,

maybe don't keep fucking!

[Sean]
Fiona?

You're back on drugs?

Oh, my God.

You bastard!

Didn't you also get fired
from a job

for fucking her boss's brother?

[both]
Oh, yeah.

Tell me what you told Mike.

[Robbie]
The truth! He needed to know.

Oh!

Fuck you.

[spits]

I'd like you to leave now.

[Fiona]
Okay, I get it.

I'm complicated.

-Oh, I can keep going.
-Oh, fuck you guys.

Is it weird that I'm attracted
to you now more than ever?

Are you asking me on a date?

Guys, Fiona, from the diner.

This is my girlfriend, Gigi.

-Your girlfriend?
-I live with him.

[scoffs]
That is so funny.

-Bye.
-You're leavin'?

Have a nice life, Fiona.

Hey, Jimmy, I just wanted
to say, go fuck yourself.

He didn't even have the balls
to dump me in person.

Car thief.

Lied about his name for months.

I'm just pissed I wasted
two years of my life.

Have a good life,
fuckin' asshole!

Holy shit.
You're a fuckin' asshole.

Asshole.

Hi.
Is Ford here?

I'm his wife.

-[laughing]
-Fiona.

I'm such a fuckin' idiot.

Fiona, wait.

Take your fucking hands
off my car.

-Don't do this, Fiona.
-Take your fucking--

No, I fucking--no!

Take your fucking hands
off my car!

[Ford]
Fiona!

[Max]
Holy shit.

[laughing]
That looks terrible.

Like, my brain is rejecting

that an otherwise very hot girl
can look this bad.

[Ford]
Just want my tools back.

Tell me how much you want
for the tools.

[Fiona]
I'm done with men.

My instincts suck.

No shithead radar.

I was surprised to hear
from you on Facebook.

You were always
with that bitchy cheerleader.

What was her name?
Lucy Jo?

-You mean my wife.
-Oh, shit.

[laughs]

-Seriously?
-[yelping]

-Bitch!
-[Debbie screams]

That's for fucking my husband!

-Remember me?
-Shit!

[Lucy]
Lucy Jo Heisner?

Why would he tell her?

'Cause you chose a pussy.

You always pick pussies.

Wh--

You can't just keep showing up.

You have to let me go.

You have to let me let you go.

I need you to do that for me.

Take care of yourself,
Fiona Gallagher.

[Fiona]
You take care of yourself,

whatever the hell
your real name is.

Open up.

[Fiona]
Holy fuck. Is that Ford?

-Yeah.
-Someone help, please!

[Fiona]
Does a paintball gun hurt?

-Oh, fuck, yeah.
-Not if you deserve it.

-[Ford groaning]
-[paintballs landing]

[cheers, laughter]

This is my wedding day.
Please don't fuck it up.

Oh, yeah, I know you,
Seanie boy.

Takes a dope fiend
to know a dope fiend,

and you are world class.

Is that true?

[Frank] Oh, he's a junkie,
through and through,

your husband-to-be.

Hi, Fiona!

She can't hear you, V.

-I know, Kevin.
-She lives in Florida.

I mean, your voice is loud,
but not that loud.

Okay, whatever.

[sighs]
Fiona.

What can I say about my girl?

She is my bestie.

When she was here,
we did everything together,

any of your typical
gal-pal stuff, we did it.

Oh!

We goin' out tonight

We gonna do it right

Let's talk bachelorette party.

Oh, I got that covered.
Don't worry.

'Cause we gon' be doin' it

-[Debbie] Uh-huh
-Let's go, let's go.

So tell me
what you're takin'

Ahh!

You bitches lied to me!

[Fiona humming "Bridal Chorus"]

Ahh...

Voilà, ladies!

You did it in a car?

How romantic.

Meg's right.

-I am a loser.
-Hey!

You're Fiona Gallagher.

You can do anything
you set your mind to.

I need a body.

A real, live body?

Not live.
Thanks.

Knew I could count on you.

[Fiona]
Holy shit!

Pre-certified
for a mortgage loan

of up to $100,000.

I mean, no offense, but giving
that kind of money to you?

Totally.

[Veronica vocalizing]

Kevin turned down
a blow job today.

He only wants to get off
inside me now.

Obsessed with saving his spunk
for having a baby.

Look at you, the romantic.

You drinking
for the both of us.

Once these little girls
pop out,

I'm gonna be downing
my first vodka

before the doctor even pulls
her hand out of my hoo-ha.

I want my boobs back.

I want my life back.

I want my husband back.

You haven't gotten laid lately,
have you?

I need to get dressed up
like a sex object

and be objectified.

Drinking, dancing,
guys looking at my ass.

Me and my friends,
we go savage

We 'bout to cause
some damage

My friends take advantage

You wish
that you could have it

Do it again, automatic

We 'bout to cause
a panic

What happened?

-I had an orgasm.
-You had an--

That's how horny and lonely
I've been these days.

Did I just cheat on Kev?

Tell me, Fiona.

How do you feel
about deli meats?

[Fiona]
Hey, V, do you still have

that mini camera you use
for titty shots?

He's right in there.
You know what you're doing?

Do I know how to make a man
ask me for a hummer?

Wait here.

I got it all on tape.

-He's nasty.
-Right?

Gotta be entrepreneurial,
right?

[both]
Ahh!

Yeah, I guess you two
were pretty close.

"Pretty close"?

But Fiona and I
were thick as thieves.

What? "Thick as thieves"?
Bullshit.

No, I'm serious.

Not as thick as me and her.

Thicker.

Are you out of your mind?

Am I?

Kev, do guys get PMS?

[grunts]
You asking me

if I bleed from my nuts
once a month?

You hooked up with Tony?

Tony's sweet.

How charitable of you.

Serve and protect, huh?

Serve and protect.

You've been acting like a dude
all summer.

Oh, it's okay for guys
to play the field, but not me?

It's okay if you want guys
to start running their dicks

through the dishwasher
after they bone you.

Shut up.

So you won't be getting up
on my Kevin anytime soon?

Ew.
He's like my brother.

It'd be like
making out with you.

Hi.

You just made my boy parts
get bigger.

Fuck off.

Self-exam
is no laughing matter.

Are you serious?

[Veronica]
It's not a sex thing.

It's a "save your life" thing.

Shit.
What is the word again?

-Malignant.
-[Kev] Malignant.

Raise your arms, Fiona,

because "malignant"
is not a word

you ever want
to have to remember.

Thank you.

-Okay.
-All right, you're good.

Okay.

Since when do you work
at the Laundromat?

I own the place.

It seemed like
it would be easy.

You know, a half a dozen
washing machines,

nice cash flow.

I-I thought that
I was seizing an opportunity,

and now I feel
like a fuckin' idiot.

[crashing]

[laughing]

I don't know
what we're laughing about.

[crying]

Hey, listen up, everyone.

I'm offering free drinks

if you come help me out
right now for a few hours.

-Hey.
-I brought help.

Christ.
What a shit show.

I got tools in my truck.
I'll go grab 'em.

Everybody, shovel
all this broken tile out.

Get it the hell out of here.

uplifting music

I don't know how I'd do it
without you guys.

You know that Jagermeister
really makes you chatty.

-[snorts, laughs]
-Right?

Okay, fine.

You and Fiona
had a nice relationship.

She was the best girl friend
I've ever had.

She was the only girl friend
you ever had.

That's because anytime
I tried to make friends

with other women,
they always wanted to fuck me.

-Oh, is that what it was?
-Yeah.

Fiona's the only woman
who's never wanted to fuck me.

Because she's like a sister
to us.

She's family.

Ew, you're right.

Thank God she never wanted
to fuck me.

Yep. Thank God.

Am I camera ready or what?

Ow!

upbeat music

[Veronica]
Yes, baby.

[laughter, cheers]

You don't actually
have to get married, do you?

What's the point, then?

[laughing]
All the free shit, baby.

-Oh!
-[Fiona] Hey!

-Oh, damn.
-Ooh, baby, come on.

Okay, Gallaghers.

You're the only family I got,
so let's put this on film, huh?

[camera beeping]

-[camera shutter snaps]
-[Veronica] I might not mind

having a baby Kev
running around.

Little tomorrow person.

What?

Well, that's what I call
little mixed-race babies.

Little people of tomorrow.

If it is a boy--

If it is a boy,
you gotta circumcise.

I mean, have you ever seen one
that's uncut?

You don't know what's going on
up in there.

It does not make you
wanna go downtown,

and you want your kid to get
his share of head, right?

Thank you!

[groans]

-What's going on with him?
-He had a vasectomy.

-Little swelling.
-[Kev] Little swelling.

My ball's the size
of a grapefruit, V.

Kevin and I got into a fight.

Screw that.

-Fi...
-No.

-Screw that.
-Fiona.

I'm out of my mind

'cause you and V
are the only things

that have ever made sense to me
in this whole fucked-up world.

I swear to God,
if you leave V--

-You're leaving V?
-No!

Fiona, what the hell?

soft music

I'm sorry,
but I would never leave you.

You gotta know that.

After everything
we've been through,

you kind of just
have to know that.

[sobbing]

Whoa.

You just snotted
the whole table.

[laughter]

Thank you, thank you,

but I'm not actually
a stripper.

Shut up.
Take the cash.

[Veronica]
Yeah!

Thank you.

I've never dranken
from a penis before.

[laughter]

[grunts]

So it's come to this, huh?

You wanna know about Fiona.

The perspective
only a father can give.

I have a lot to say, you know,

but first,
am I getting paid for this?

It might determine
just how juicy the details are

that I give you.

Uh-huh.

Otherwise, suit yourself.

You get what you get from me.

Anyway, what can I say?

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona,
Fiona, Fiona.

Frank? Frank!
Frank.

Fuck, Frank!

Frank, what the hell
is going on?

As of right now, you
are officially on the wagon.

Are those my jeans, Frank?

You're not leaving
Hymie here, Frank.

This isn't a DUI, Frank.

You're a fuckin' asshole,
Frank.

You look like shit, Frank.

The doctor talk to you, Frank?

Yeah.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Stop drinking.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Why does it always
come down to Frank?

Oh, fuck, Frank.

Piss off, Frank.

Sleep in your room, Frank.

What you need, Frank?

Frank, what are they doing
in our yard?

[clanging]

Enough with the kicking!

Christ!

Frank, one more word,

you'll be sharing a mattress
with your friends out back.

[Frank]
Let's not be hasty.

You are not part
of this conversation, Frank.

Would you happen to have
a spare bed for your old pops?

[both]
No.

-Hey, Frank.
-Frank.

Frank. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Frank. Frank.
Frank. Frank.

Frank. Frank. Frank.
Frank. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Frank. Frank!

I go by Francis now.

[door closes]

upbeat music

-[door slams]
-So strident.

Chip off the old block.

Like father, like daughter.

The apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.

These expressions
don't begin to describe

how similar me and the heir
to my throne are...

...starting
with our work ethic.

[exhales deeply]

Tell me what my benefits
would be

if I were to retire right now.

It says here you only worked
six weeks your entire life.

Well...

if you mean a "formal" job.

-What are we doing today?
-Biohazard.

Got a few blocks
of raw sewage down there.

That's the problem
with working.

Too much instability.

Stress.

I saw the "help wanted" sign.

It's minimum wage, nights.

I need a job.

Get a job, Frank.

Well, now,
why would I do that, Gail?

How do you think we made it
all these years, huh?

You ready, big man?
Come on.

[Fiona]
Busting my ass,

working eight jobs...

Who's got the jumbo dog?

How'd you know?

X-ray vision.

[laughter]

Keep the change, darling.

"Your Illinois State
work compensation

has been terminated"!

No!

Gotta find a job.

Show me the special list.

[Gary] These are the jobs
nobody wants.

Conditions are hazardous,
unsafe, or both.

You're guaranteed to get hurt.

Good man, Gary.

[narrator] Serious injuries
that occur each year

show that a forklift
can be dangerous.

I don't like that you're
getting hurt on purpose

to make money;
isn't that cheating?

I prefer to think of it
as helping.

-You do?
-When I collect workman's comp,

some lady has to fill out
the paperwork.

Wasn't for me,
she'd be unemployed.

Well, it's back to the
grindstone for this guy.

-Whoa!
-Oh, careful, Frank.

That spill
almost got you there.

Huh.

Already lost
one best work friend.

Don't need to lose another
so soon.

dance music

Gotta find something
more permanent.

Tell Juan that Kim sent you.

It's not hookin', right?

It is hooking?

I'm barely scraping by.

I've been cleaning a dead body
out of an apartment all day.

Oh, my God.
No, no, no.

Oh, fuck.

You've gone and died, Billy!

No, no, no!

Ugh.

[Veronica]
Paramedics are on the way.

I can't stay here
and watch them zip him up.

-What's up, Frank?
-Big score.

Fresh dead guy.

You diggin' that smell?

Something die in here?

Maggots, roaches, rats, flies.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.
-Keep your mouth shut.

And I don't mean "shut up."

I mean don't let anything
splash in your mouth.

I want you to break my leg.

I need the insurance money.

If you love me, son,
you'll do this.

Can I put it on YouTube?

Sh--

No.

It's time for the talk.

"The talk"?

The 401(k) talk.

Oh, fuck! Ah! Ahh!

[Connie] You're eligible
to participate.

What's a 401(k)?

What, I'm supposed
to take off work to go do this?

Of course not,
because, uh, as you know,

this injury's prevented you
from working.

-Remember?
-Oh, shit.

I got a meeting today.

I'm gonna start looking
at commercial properties.

You don't have much
in the way of work history.

Been a stay-at-home dad
most of my life.

What do you think
the rental increase

per square foot
is gonna be year to year

with gentrification?

-At least 20 percent.
-Really?

Aren't things actually
leveling off?

I got kicked out
of the military

'cause I couldn't get enough
of his cock.

[Frank]
Thank you.

-Oh, thank you.
-Oorah.

So what the hell, Whitford?

Do you think
I'm not smart enough?

Or you just like
making women feel like

they need to fuck you
to join an LLC?

I see you visited our hospital
52 times,

and you have no insurance.

Difficulty securing employment

in this challenging economy.

Unemployment rate
is under 4 percent.

We're hiring janitors
without hands.

Fiona learned
everything she knows from me.

She was my A-plus student,

my protégé,

and as a result
of everything I taught her,

she respected me,
looked up to me.

She appreciated
my ways of the world

and the infinite wisdom I held,

but because Fiona
was a young spirit,

not experienced in life,

she sometimes doubted
my choices--

would butt in,
insert herself into my process.

She didn't always trust
that I had things

absolutely under control.

Oh, shit. Whoa!

rock music

You think...
[slurred ranting]

Fuckin' folding you...

I wouldn't put him
anywhere near carpet

till his pants dry a bit.

-Who the hell is that?
-My dad.

Oh, you found
our emergency fund.

So we're covered.

Oh, no.
Come on, no!

Ahh!

It hurts.
Need a sponge bath.

[Fiona]
Jesus.

How long did the doctor say
you were gonna be like this?

[Frank]
Fork over the cash!

Craig!

Some old-ass junkie's
trying to hit us again.

Let's go.
No, no, no, no.

Wait, uh, pull.
Pull!

Oh, shit. Go!

Oh, what did I do this time?

-Jesus.
-Guess who came by today.

The city.

They're digging up the yard
to work on the sewer line.

You need to find Aunt Ginger
before they do.

You buried her.

You unbury her.

Guys, bad news.

We all gotta dig tonight.

Frank can't find Aunt Ginger.

[Lip] Once again, saddled
with a mess we didn't create.

[Fiona] The sooner
we get out there and dig,

the sooner it'll all be over.

[laughing, squeals]

[Frank]
I'll get the money.

I will get the money somehow.

I'll do it.
I'll make it right.

I'll make it right.

[soft knocking on window]

[officer]
Sir, step out of the car.

Ten thousand says you
cannot get Tasered

and not soil
your tighty-whities.

Do it!

[grunting]

Where's my fuckin' money?

You were serious about that?

We'll keep the kid
as collateral.

-Frank!
-Frank!

[yawns]
Hey.

Where is Liam?

He's at his first sleepover.

[gun cocks]

Who the fuck are you?

We want Liam back.

He's collateral.

You better start shootin'.

Hey. Good to see you.

Man, shut the fuck up.

Now, where the hell
is our brother?

I didn't mean for that--

Twenty questions to see if
Al-Anon could be right for you.

-[Lip] Yeah? How'd you do?
-Twenty out of twenty.

"Have holidays or gatherings

ever been spoiled
by a loved one's drinking?"

"Have you ever
called the police

for fear of abuse?"

Out, or I swear to God,
I'm gonna call the cops.

What kind of a Gallagher
are you?

Out.

[Sierra]
Are the asses in the window

gonna be a problem?

[Fiona]
Jesus.

"Do you feel more alive
in the midst of a crisis?"

Can you connect me
with Child Welfare Services?

You're the one
who called DFS on 'em

to have 'em taken away.

[agent over phone]
And what's the situation?

Six kids living in squalor.

No parental supervision.

"Are you uneasy when your life
is going smoothly?"

[gasps]
Oh...

What are you doing, Frank?

I'm just watching you sleep.

Jesus Christ.

You're really starting
to creep me out.

And my personal favorite,

"Do you care for others
easily..."

Fuck, Frank.

gentle music

"...but find it difficult
to care for yourself?"

[Fiona]
Good job, Fiona.

I don't know how
I could do this without you.

-Thanks for all your hard work.
-[snores]

You're welcome, Dad.

So there you have it.

My mini me, Fiona Gallagher.

Direct descendant of my loins.

We breathe the same air,

which, of course, is why
sometimes

I've had to step in
and school her,

teach her a life lesson,

show her the ropes, as it were.

Sometimes I may have
inadvertently hurt her,

but at the end of the day,

I'm the one who knows
what's best for her

because I am her.

upbeat music

Ahh!

-Ah!
-Come here!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Do not let that woman in.

The hell did you do?

[Lucy]
Know how I know you fucked him?

He told me,
you filthy penis mitten!

[Frank giggles]

I was chased from my own house,

and now I'm hiding in yours.

Holy shit, I'm you.

I have waited for this day.

And it's you, and it's me

And it's us,
and the new girl makes three

No one really knows
how far you're gonna go

When you're swaying
to the sinners revelry

-What?
-That's my stool.

[laughing]

Well, tough shit.
Looks like it's my stool now.

Come on, it's my stool.
That's where I sit.

Come on.
Let me sit here.

Get--fuck, all right.

Fine. Jesus.

Who's gonna save me,
pretty baby?

'Cause your daddy
is going down

I was raised by the wolves
in the wild, honey child

Do you remember anything
about last night?

-No.
-Me neither.

Hey, how about that ecstasy?

No, thanks.

You already took it.

Hurry up in there.

I gotta help my mother
out of bed

and take her to the bathroom.

Really putting a damper

on your "drink, puke, sleep"
schedule, huh?

I can't take it anymore.

Your problem.
Not ours.

-[loud crashing]
-Ah! What was that?

Where's your grandmother?

Buying more supplies.

I'm gonna kill her.

I never thought I'd say this,

but you were right;
we have to get rid of her.

She's putting our lives
in danger.

I will fuck you up!

-Shit!
-Whoa!

-[gunshot]
-[people screaming]

Put a hit out on her.

She's your mother.

Oh, like you haven't thought
about doing that to me before.

We set her up?

Yeah, I guess
that's what I mean.

Finally thinking
like a Gallagher.

We could have the cops
pick her up,

tell them it's a Chapter 405.

-Mental disorder?
-They'd take her away.

[laughing]

Okay, so we'll clean up
the meth lab,

air the place out,
and then call the cops.

They'll bring her
to a geriatric psych ward,

hold her 72 hours,
do an evaluation.

-What if they find her normal?
-Oh, get the f--

Okay, you're right.

Welcome to the ranks
of the unemployed.

I'm fine with it.

I mean, fuck them.

Being broke sucks, though.

Ah, you get used to it.

You just gotta be creative.

Buy me a beer?

[laughs]

That's funny.

-Fuck all of you.
-Ungrateful little shits!

[Fiona]
Rattin' me out.

[Frank] That's why
things I do for them--

-blood, sweat, and tears...
-[Fiona] If it weren't for me,

none of you NA motherfuckers
would even have a job.

[Frank] This is not how
a family treats each other.

Can I be honest with you?

I am not the reason that
your life is a piece of crap.

You came out of me a loser.

It's tough.

My parents suck, too.

Morning, Sweathogs.

Blackout.

We got a blackout.

No shit, Frank.

Where there's panic,
there's money to be made.

You mean rippin' people off?

Completely legit.

Frank's Blackout Supply

has everything you need.

[Fiona]
What's in it for me?

-Twenty percent?
-Seventy.

-Thirty.
-Fifty percent, final offer.

No one's gonna buy
anything from you, Frank.

You're Frank.

Deal.

-Gallagher Blackout Supply.
-[laughs]

Got everything you need
right here, folks!

[Fiona] Who's waiting
on cold, soaked rags?

[Frank]
Two waters. Two beers.

Could I get a battery
over here?

Here you go.

Who wanted the bat--
there you go.

Hey. Here.
Help me.

What are we doing?

We're being creative.

-[laughs]
-Dump.

[Frank]
I don't--

Hey, that's my kid's pool,
motherfucker!

-[Frank] Oh, shit.
-[Fiona] Come on, come on.

-[Frank] Oh, shit.
-[Fiona] Come on, run, run.

[Frank]
Oh, whoa!

Here you go.
Thank you.

How much to charge a phone?

-It's a dollar a minute.
-Okay, I'll take five.

Beer, beer, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

We made a shitload of money
out there today.

You're really good at this.

There's your half.

I wanna renegotiate.

-The hell?
-Sixty-forty,

or next time, I just open
my own Blackout Supply,

and, trust me, you don't
want me as your competition.

Thanks, Francis.

-All right, it's filming.
-Frank, come on!

[all speaking at once]

[Debbie]
Go!

[all speaking at once]

We were supposed to be done
with this ten minutes ago.

[all speaking at once]

You want me to come do it, huh?
All right.

-[Carl] Your shoulder's in me.
-All right, all right,

-all right, all right.
-[Liam] That's my knee!

[Lip] You guys ready?
All right.

-We're good? All right.
-[Liam] Yeah.

We have one more thing
we wanna say.

Since you're asking
about Fiona...

...and you all want to know
about her...

...there's one thing
we haven't told you yet.

Yeah, I'm not part
of this shit.

If someone you know
is fuckin' with you...

Hell, if someone you don't know
is fuckin' with you...

...we got a piece of advice.

If you wanna protect
your family and friends...

[all]
...go Fiona on 'em!

-[Frank] Yeah!
-[Veronica] Pow!

-[Frank] That'll do it.
-[Veronica] Yeah!

Get out of here,
you piece of shit!

You better run,
you sick bastard!

You don't return my calls
or my texts?

Stop hitting me!
Ahh! God damn it!

Enough!

Tell me you didn't go
all Fiona on him.

What have you done?
What have you done?

Carl!

You left Liam where?

For fuck's sake, Deb.

Did you write a Yelp review?

Yeah.

That feels pretty bad,
doesn't it, huh?

[cute boy]
It's okay, baby.

Maybe you should stop
being such an asshole, huh?

Go cry to your daddy
about your trust fund,

you little bitch!

"Going Fiona" is not a thing.

Trust me.
It's a thing.

Mind your fuckin' business.

Butt the fuck out.

Is that so fuckin' hard?

My heinous cunt
of a half sister

called the fucking--

No.

No, asshole.

No. Fuck, no.

Get the fuck outta here.

What the fuck was that?

Hey! Fuck you!

Oh, if they happen to--
fuck you!

Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Fuck off.
You fucked with the wrong girl.

Time to go Gallagher.

Nobody fucks
with the Gallaghers.

Game on, motherfucker!

You fuckers!

God damn it.

The fuck are you doing here?

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Well, I thought
we could celebrate together.

Or I could stab myself
in the eye with a pencil.

-Oh, you got a mirror?
-Oh, yeah.

Right here.
Oh, wait.

It's a baseball bat.

Hey!

I'll kill you
with my bare fuckin' hands.

They are goin' down.

Smoke bomb.
Fuck!

Shit.

Did you go all Fiona on him?

That is not a thing.

I am sick of gettin' fucked.

[all]
South Side!

I don't need you
to stand up for me!

I can stand up for myself!

The Laundromat is closed!

I have had a shitty day!

-[overlapping shouting]
-Rubbed his dick--

Shut up!
Go cry to your--

Motherfucker.
Huh?

-I don't need...
-[Eliza] Fiona, come on!

-[Fiona] ...your money!
-[Eliza] Little help, please?

Get out of here, Ford.
Get her some water.

I don't need anything from you!
Asshole!

[grunting]

[laughs]
Is this fun or what?

[laughs, pants]

[band plays light rock music]

When I was young

I remember

I was taught not to say
the F word

Ugh! Ow! Fuck.

[Gus]
I guess I forgot

As a grown man
with an open heart inside

I got married
to the F word

And my heart slowly died

F is for Fiona

What my family is
has fuck-all to do with you.

[Gus] With her fists
of flailing fire

F is for Fiona

Coming!

[Gus]
I felt like I could fly

But then

Fucking Fiona

Was fucking everyone

What are you waitin' for?

[Gus]
So fuck you, Fiona

'Cause now
I'm fucking done

You were fuckin' right,

and we were fuckin' wrong,
Fiona.

[Gus]
Fuck you, Fiona

With your fists
of flailing fire

And then

Fucking Fiona

[Fiona]
Guess what.

The cook rubbed his dick
on all of your meals.

-Yeah, enjoy.
-[Gus] Fiona

'Cause now
I'm fucking done

[clippers snap]

So fuck you, Fiona

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