Original subtitles

I cut the thumb off! Where's the thumb?

That's because I go to great lengths to conceal my whereabouts.

I was doing some accounts for a small family of debt collectors.

And I might have invested some of their money into

my high-yield investment programme. You mean Ponzi scheme.

I'll let you know when I'm settled. You can send me some cash!

This is Suki Morgan from the Mail On Sunday.

They're doing a lifestyle piece on me.

I've got nothing left!

And whose fault is that?

Stuart, tell her. Yeah, it's my fault.

How much did you lose?

1.2 million.

That's my fucking money, you wanker!

So, ex-husband gets his revenge by wilfully destroying MP's life?

Yeah.

My name's Humphrey Roehampton.

I was April's fiance, and I'm father to this man's daughter.

You look nothing like her. Bugger off.

I want a paternity test.

Shut up, everyone. I think he's having a heart attack!

Dad! If I don't make it, you need to know...

I love you too.

..that moustache...

...makes you look like a tosspot.

It's a disabled bay. I'm going to get towed.

I do it all the time. It's no biggie.

Stu, you're flapping. Of course I'm flapping!

They wouldn't tell me on the phone. For all I know, he could be at death's door.

Don't worry. He probably just needs his grapes topping up.

Look, you need some time alone with the old man.

Why don't me and Apes peel off and grab a Starbs?

No. April's staying with me. If you want to go for a coffee, go on your own.

I'm not missing the look on your face when you find out I'm Bertha's dad.

Humphrey!

You're not. Stop saying that! Come on! I paid for the test.

I should be there when they announce the winner.

Stuart! Did you bring grapes? Told you.

Mr Hooper? What is it? What's going on?

Thank you for coming in at such short notice.

What's that tosspot doing here?

Mind your ticker, old chap.

We're waiting for the results of the paternity test.

We need to move quite swiftly. Your dad's heart is recovering well,

So there's something wrong with his, what, renus?

Kidneys, berk!

I'm afraid Willie's kidneys are failing.

But, providing we find a suitable donor,

it can be fixed with a fairly routine procedure.

Donor?

The first people we check are the children.

And whilst your brother's records show he's a match, I understand he's...?

A wanker.

Gone AWOL. Exactly.

So all we need to do in the first instance

is a very quick blood test to establish if you're a suitable donor.

Uh, no, that's not happening, no way.

Told you.

Your dad mentioned you had a tiny phobia of needles.

It's not tiny.

He slapped the school nurse at his

BCG.

Well, I can assure you, it's totally painless. Just a small scratch.

I don't want to.

Come on, son. Do it for your old man.

When you think about it, it's sort of mine anyway.

I made it. Now I need it back.

Needles!

Cheers, son.

Needles. I can't... I can't do needles.

Stu, needles schmeedles.

I gave birth to your daughter with nothing but jungle sounds and joss sticks.

My daughter.

You don't know what it's like. You don't know what they do to me.

Where's Charlie?

We've only just got rid of him.

Where are you, you bastard? Say hi from me.

Dad needs your kidney. Phone me back!

I'm sorry you might die, Dad, but...the needles...

Oh, hi.

Sorry, is this a bad time? Madonna wanted to drop in some magazines.

They're going to put a needle in me, Kate.

What are you talking about? You don't do needles.

Oh, God, that's awful!

Are you OK, Willie?

No, he needs a new kidney. And some grapes.

Yeah. Don't kill Grandad.

And I'm sure Bertha would like to get to know her grandfather.

Who are you? Humphrey Roehampton.

Bertha's dad. No, you're not.

We're waiting on a paternity test.

I've been on hold for, like, an hour.

Oh, sorry, I had no idea.

Humphrey insisted on it. He likes to take control.

Hm. It's the only way we could shut him up.

Oops.

Busy in here. Er, so how are we doing? Any thoughts?

Son?

Give me a minute.

It's only a kidney.

All right, I'll do it.

Right, then. I'll get that blood test sorted

and we'll find out if you're a match. Oh, God!

You're doing the right thing. Love you, Grandad.

You're our hero, Daddy Bear.

Yeah.

Oh, shit!

What? Car's still in the disabled bay.

It'll be fine. It's an emergency.

I'm not sure it will.

They let you know if they need you to move it.

Right. I was always under the assumption that you can only park in a disabled bay

if you have a blue badge and the supporting documentation.

Totally not the case, but thank you, Kate.

Don't say jab. ..I'd just like a quick word.

I need to stay for the...

It'll only take a minute.

It's fine. I'll let you know if they answer.

Right.

Grapes!

Sod off!

The article.

Deflecting Ted's shit.

Making me look halfway respectable.

Well...

I'm sorry you got dragged through the mud.

Yeah.

Wasn't great being called a thieving lowlife who steals off his own daughter

in the national newspaper.

No.

No, that was uncalled for.

I just didn't want to see you being badmouthed in the press.

For Madonna's sake.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, I realise this is awful timing, but I thought you should know.

We're moving out of the close.

We lost the house.

Oh, shit.

Fucking Ted.

You could always stay at mine.

We'll still be local.

How's Madonna taking it?

Not great.

Protests are getting worse.

This morning she handcuffed herself to a horse.

Why? I don't know.

Fracking? Dolphins?

I should probably get back. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

You worried?

Terrified. They're like tiny little daggers.

The paternity test.

Oh. No, course not.

April said she's 95% sure Bertha's mine, and that's good enough for me.

OK.

Here's the victim. What?

Mr Hooper? Yeah.

I'm Nurse Dracula.

Er, just kidding. It's Nurse Patrick.

Follow me and we'll get that blood sucked.

Not all of it.

Yeah...

Don't worry, Stu. I'm coming with you.

Everywhere she goes...

It's not allowed.

Oh, no, that's absolutely fine.

See?

Come on, you're going to be fine.

Oh...

It'll be over in a flash, Stu. Stop talking.

Just in here on the left. Nobody talk to me.

Right, if you'd like to take a seat.

Oh, fuck off!

Stuart!

Whoops-a-donkey!

Let's help him into the chair. Come on.

There you go.

Oh, is it over?

Almost.

Do you know, I've never been in an NHS hospital.

Oh...

Ooh...

Oh...

Aggh!

OK. You'll just feel a tiny scratch.

No, don't do it!

It'll be over in seconds.

Oh... Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ! Pooey! Absolutely fine.

I'll deal with it in a minute.

OK, OK, I'm ready, I'm ready.

Do it, do it, do it... Don't do it!

Centre your chi, Stu.

Oooh...

Aghh...

I can feel it coming out of my body!

There's an entire mushroom there.

Ooh...

All done.

Oh...

Just hold that there. Oh...

Should have an answer for you very quickly.

I did it! You did. All over my lap.

I did it, April! You're so brave.

Yeah, that's so brave.

Sorry about... It's fine.

I had leftover stroganoff for my breakfast.

Is that what it is?

Come on, Humpy. Let's get him up.

Here we go.

Ooh... Oh.

I'm glad that's over. Come here.

Stu, no, your breath really pongs.

Buddy of mine donated a kidney once.

He was dead within a week. What?!

Humpy... Oh, come on, I'm just yanking his tits. You prick!

Are you out of your bloody mind?!

If you'd only answer my calls, I wouldn't have to do this!

Right. So this is my fault?

You bankrupt us, steal Madonna's money, and this is somehow on me?!

Please take me back!

What's going on? This twat.

Stay out of it, Hoopers. This is man and wife stuff!

Are you drunk? Yeah,

but in a good way, not in a "what's the point?" way.

He thinks this is an appropriate way to win me back.

What? Madonna's always chaining herself to crap.

Who are you calling crap? You're a wanker.

Kate, Madonna, just hear me out, OK? I've got some great news.

Botty has bought FishNosh.

Botty!

And?

He's put together a cracking rescue package.

It means we can keep the house. I can even pay Madonna back.

I mean, just give me 12, 18 months to ring-fence some capital.

Forget it. We don't want your money. I do!

Kate, you don't understand. I'm almost back on top.

Oh, buddy, stealing from your own daughter...

She's my daughter. Are you sure?

Yes! I thought you'd be pleased!

You screwed us over, Ted. There's no way back from that.

You enjoy flogging fish with Botty. Madonna and I are...

...moving in with Stuart.

What? What?

Yeah, what? Eh?

Aren't we, Stuart?

Um... Yeah.

Stuart! When were you planning on asking me?

Um... Now?

Right. So, not only do you expect me to live under the same roof

as your deviant father,

now you're moving in your ex-wife, and your daughter, who hates me.

She does not. Yes, she does.

It will just be for a couple of weeks until we get something sorted.

Well, where are you going to sleep?

I'll take the sofa. You won't even notice I'm there.

Please just come back to stay, Fundy. He hasn't even got a wet room.

Urgh.

I'm not going back to that shitty old room!

No, you're bloody not, because it's my yoga room.

It's my room!

Apes, there's heaps of space at my summer house.

Fuck this! Madonna!

Oh, great! Thanks, April.

Well, if you'd been a better mother...

How dare you!

I'm just going to... I'm just saying.

Can someone go and get her? She's got the key.

You're a fine one to talk about motherhood! APRIL: Meaning?

You don't even know who the father of your own daughter is! I do.

I'm 90% sure it's Stuart! How much more positive can I be?

You told Stuart 95%!

90, 95- what's the difference?

All right, Stu?

Not going to hit me, are you?

I need your kidney. Ah, yeah, about that...

The doctor says you're a perfect match. Yeah, well, that is medically correct,

but I'm afraid it's a bit of a "no can do".

What are you talking about?

Well, things have escalated slightly in my absence.

The Ponzi scheme ended up on Crimewatch,

so it turns out yours truly is public enemy numero uno.

Although I've got to say the Photofit did make me look quite suave.

What's any of this got to do with your kidney?

Well, if I have an operation, my name will pop up everywhere.

This place will be crawling with police

Hang on. Does Dad know you're here?

Yeah, course. Been here since he arrived.

Well, somebody's got to look after him, and this is a pretty good hiding place.

Agh! Mind my scrubs!

You practically live with us anyway. No wonder Ted left you!

I left him! Oh, did you? Dad.

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Where have you...?

Don't bother. I know you've been hiding him in the bogs.

Oh, God! You're not moving into my yoga room!

How could you do this to me? I do everything for you.

I was the only one there for you when Mum left.

But you always stick up for Charlie.

Why, Dad?

Because you can take it.

No, I can't. I've got IBS. I get night terrors.

He does. Awful sweats.

Used to be acid reflux. Still is.

Stuart, Charlie's the sensitive one.

No, he's not.

Yes, I am!

I read books, I eat...olives.

Oh, Charlie! You're not really going to let Stuart do this, are you?

I might get arrested.

Don't you think it's about time you turned yourself in?

Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind.

Actually, I'm not sure it has crossed my mind.

If he gets nicked now, he'll be away for years.

And I haven't got long left, so...

I'm begging you, son, please.

Please give us your kidney.

Well, this has backfired. I was trying to be romantic.

Can someone get Madonna to unlock me, please?

What a family! Humpy!

I'll go and find her.

All right?

What?

What are you listening to?

Seeping Meat.

Cool.

You OK?

I don't want to talk about it.

Your Uncle Charlie's turned up.

So?

If...

If Charlie did it, then...he'd be arrested and go to prison and...

I'm just taking one for the family.

What do you want, Dad?

Right.

Why do you do it?

Do what?

Let everyone shit on you.

I don't. Yes, you do.

Yeah, I do.

Thanks for saving Grandad.

No.

Yep, fine.

Well? There's no key.

What do you mean, there's no key? There's no key. She lost it.

Can't you do something, Charlie? Oh!

Oh, I see. Just cos I've been inside,

you think I know how to pick a lock? Well, don't you?

Give us a minute.

Um, just checking to see that he's still alive.

And he is. So...

Great work. Keep it up.

Mr Hooper. Quick chat?

Here we go.

So, had your test results back, and you are indeed a match,

so we can go ahead with the transplant.

OK. It's lucky, really.

In these situations when you're not a blood relative, a match is far more rare.

Right. There'll be a few more tests.

Just some routine stuff.

But we'll get you on a ward straight away, so you might want to ask

someone to pop home and pick up a toothbrush and a good book.

What did you say?

Toothbrush. And a good book.

Before that.

Routine checks. Before that.

It's...lucky you're a match, considering you and Mr Hooper aren't...related.

You don't know, do you?

I'm so sorry. I thought you...

The blood test also determines paternity. Did the doctor not explain?

OK.

Well...

I...need...to...

...speak to my union representative.

Everything OK?

Stuart?

Oh. Yeah.

I'm a match, so...

Oh.

Well, that's great news.

...it's going to be fine.

Is it?

Do you want to talk?

I feel like I'm losing something.

You've got another one.

Probably.

Do you remember that time we had oysters and you ended up in A&E?

They said it was the worst case of food poisoning they'd ever seen.

It was pretty bad.

We had to scrap the car.

Can I be honest with you, Stuart?

Yeah. Course.

That tash...

I know.

What the fuck's that?

Charlie.

Charlie!

What did they say, son?

They told me...

...I'm a match.

That's my boy.

Well done, Daddy Bear. Can I crack on?

If anyone needs their legs amputating, they're going to be looking for this.

Yeah, hurry up.

Come on!

Hold still. I am holding still!

Can you keep it down, please? I can't hear my bloody phone!

Guys. Come on! Stop fidgeting! Guys!

That's him.

Fuck!

You've cut my thumb off!

Oh, my God, Ted!

Not again! Guys!

Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm through.

I've found the key!

Stuart, I'm through.

Yeah. April Long-Carrington.

Yes. Yep. Long-Carrington.

Ted.

Yes. Oh, God, not the other one!

Get off me! I'm a fully qualified nurse!

Hooper-Roehampton paternity results.

Come on, Apes.

Right, OK.

You're bleeding on my slippers!

OK. And that's 100%, is it?

Well?

OK.

I'm so sorry, Stuart.

Yep.

Will the owner of a green Skoda Octavia -

registration number DG 5TU -

please make your way to the front entrance,

as your car is being towed?

Thank you.

I'm a nothing man

I never had a chance

I'm a nothing man

It never was my fault

I'm a nothing man

I'm a nothing man.

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