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1
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,680
Before you say another word,
I need you to think very carefully
2
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,080
We've got a baby. Can you please
leave?
3
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,657
OK... Shit!
4
00:00:15,692 --> 00:00:17,165
What? Nothing.
5
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,640
£50,000 is a lot of money, Madonna.
6
00:00:19,675 --> 00:00:21,677
Do with it as you wish, my darling.
7
00:00:21,712 --> 00:00:23,656
It's what Grandpa would have wanted.
8
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,985
Let me give you some advice, Stu.
9
00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:28,280
Make sure you listen to her body.
10
00:00:28,315 --> 00:00:30,400
Dial it back, woman.
11
00:00:30,435 --> 00:00:31,765
Suck my dick!
12
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,845
I think you'd better get the hell
out of my casa, chum.
13
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,600
Is this because I threw up in your
face? Went straight in my mouth.
14
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,600
What the hell were you thinking?
15
00:00:55,635 --> 00:00:57,177
What are you going to tell Mum?
16
00:00:57,212 --> 00:00:59,126
Get off your arse, you soppy twat!
17
00:00:59,161 --> 00:01:01,000
All right, Dad.
Sorry, I'm on a diet.
18
00:01:01,035 --> 00:01:02,805
She's going to be here in a minute.
19
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,800
You've got to snap out of it.
Throw some water on him!
20
00:01:04,835 --> 00:01:06,040
Slap him. Slap him?
21
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,600
Kate's on her way.
She can't find you like this.
22
00:01:12,635 --> 00:01:14,245
You know how important today is
to her.
23
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,800
You've really screwed up, son. Tell
me something I don't know, Doc!
24
00:01:17,835 --> 00:01:19,480
I'm not afraid to give you a
spanking.
25
00:01:19,515 --> 00:01:20,977
Yeah, I'd like to see you try!
26
00:01:21,012 --> 00:01:22,440
Mum's going to tear you a new one.
27
00:01:22,475 --> 00:01:24,437
What do you want from me?
28
00:01:24,472 --> 00:01:26,496
I've got nothing left!
29
00:01:26,531 --> 00:01:28,485
And whose fault is that?
30
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,560
So help me, Scotsman,
I will thump you!
31
00:01:31,595 --> 00:01:33,685
Dad! Do something.
32
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,400
I'm supposed to be starting
a new job today. Heads up!
33
00:01:36,435 --> 00:01:37,760
Oh, shit.
34
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:47,160
Hello.
35
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:49,760
What's all this, then?
36
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:52,480
Hi.
All right, Mum.
37
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,045
Right.
38
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,280
Well, this is quite the welcome.
39
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,440
Something you want to tell me?
40
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,080
No.
41
00:02:05,115 --> 00:02:06,245
Genius.
42
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:10,440
OK. Well, er, Suki,
43
00:02:10,475 --> 00:02:11,885
this is my...
44
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:13,840
This is my husband, Ted.
45
00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:15,565
Hi.
46
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,960
And my daughter, Madonna.
47
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,840
This is my ex-husband, Stuart.
48
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,480
And his father...
49
00:02:26,515 --> 00:02:27,880
..Willie.
50
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:33,800
Everyone, this is Suki Morgan
from the Mail On Sunday.
51
00:02:33,835 --> 00:02:35,880
Hi...
52
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,685
This looks fun.
53
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,280
Yes. What have I missed?
54
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,000
Fun!
55
00:02:44,035 --> 00:02:45,557
Fun.
56
00:02:45,592 --> 00:02:47,080
Run.
57
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,765
Fun run.
58
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,080
Fun run! Fun run.
59
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,480
Raising money for mental health.
60
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,460
Testicular cancer.
61
00:02:57,495 --> 00:02:59,200
Check your balls!
62
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,680
What are you?
63
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,120
She's a testicle.
64
00:03:07,155 --> 00:03:08,165
Yeah.
65
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:09,920
She's a teste.
66
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,840
Where are the cars?
67
00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:20,285
Ah...
68
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,800
They...are...being serviced.
In the garage.
69
00:03:23,835 --> 00:03:25,880
Yeah. In the garage.
70
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,760
Right.
71
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,760
Well, let's go and have some lunch,
shall we?
72
00:03:33,795 --> 00:03:35,880
No. No, you can't.
Why not?
73
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,725
Yeah. Yeah.
74
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,485
It's just something we do.
75
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,680
A bunch of neighbours doing dips
and trading bants.
76
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:52,795
Right...
77
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,445
Are you sure?
78
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,240
I have been to M&S.
I've arranged a lovely spread.
79
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,800
I'VE got a nice spread.
80
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,080
Great. Whatever's good for you.
81
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,400
Right, well, let's all head over to
yours, Stuart.
82
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,520
Ted? Absolutely!
83
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,885
So, er, this is
a pretty unconventional set-up.
84
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:25,680
Most people these days live in
a perfectly happy blended family,
85
00:04:25,715 --> 00:04:27,257
and we're no different.
86
00:04:27,292 --> 00:04:28,826
So you all get along?
87
00:04:28,861 --> 00:04:30,310
Get along?! This guy!
88
00:04:30,345 --> 00:04:31,725
What are you doing?
89
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,960
The stories I could tell you
about this player!
90
00:04:33,995 --> 00:04:35,325
Go on.
91
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,040
Oh, God, you know?
92
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,500
Badminton.
93
00:04:44,422 --> 00:04:45,240
Yes.
94
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,640
We're just a regular family
who enjoy each other's company.
95
00:04:49,675 --> 00:04:51,560
Damn straight.
96
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,900
So, what route did you take?
What do you mean?
97
00:04:58,935 --> 00:05:02,440
The fun run.
Oh! You know, round the block...
98
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,080
What the hell's going on?
What's happened?
99
00:05:07,115 --> 00:05:09,317
It wasn't me.
Where are your trousers?
100
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:11,485
You need to speak to Ted.
Stuart...
101
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,520
You need to speak to Stuart.
I'm only good with the edible kind.
102
00:05:14,555 --> 00:05:16,360
What's the brown one, Stuart?
103
00:05:16,395 --> 00:05:19,445
Um...Michael. Tea?
104
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,440
I'll have a chamomile
if you've got one.
105
00:05:21,475 --> 00:05:23,760
I'll do that. Ted? A hand?
106
00:05:23,795 --> 00:05:25,737
Er, no. Not really.
107
00:05:25,772 --> 00:05:27,680
Sorry?
I'll do it.
108
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,280
Fine.
109
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,125
Yep.
110
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,360
They'll just be a couple of minutes.
Do take a seat.
111
00:05:38,395 --> 00:05:40,237
Where are YOU going?
112
00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:42,216
To the bedroom.
Why?
113
00:05:42,251 --> 00:05:44,160
They took all my clothes.
114
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,125
Jesus Christ, that was close.
115
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,400
Kate's not daft.
She knows something's wrong.
116
00:05:53,435 --> 00:05:55,640
Well done, Einstein.
What do you wanna wear?
117
00:05:55,675 --> 00:05:57,280
What have you got?
118
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,925
Where's the rest of them?
119
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,480
This is it.
Yeah, but where's the good stuff?
120
00:06:03,515 --> 00:06:04,845
This is it.
121
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,560
No, that's just supermarket jeans
and multipack T-shirts.
122
00:06:07,595 --> 00:06:08,605
So?
123
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,480
Oh, God. All right, um...
124
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,560
Pass me the floral shirt.
That's the least offensive.
125
00:06:13,595 --> 00:06:15,560
You're not wearing that.
That's me going-out shirt.
126
00:06:15,595 --> 00:06:17,120
Oh, God! I don't care. Just give me
anything.
127
00:06:17,155 --> 00:06:18,200
It all looks the bloody same!
128
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,205
Remind me never to lend you a suit
again.
129
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,840
I panicked. You didn't have to tell
them it was mine.
130
00:06:29,875 --> 00:06:31,440
I get nervous around authority.
131
00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:32,885
It's a three-piece Boss!
132
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,960
I hope Kate's gonna be all right.
133
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,080
What about me? They took the Lambo!
134
00:06:38,115 --> 00:06:40,005
Well, it's not about you.
135
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,760
If it was, I wouldn't be helping.
136
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,125
You're going to have to tell her.
137
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,800
Of course I'm going to have to tell
her, you berk! Just not now.
138
00:06:47,835 --> 00:06:49,960
It's going to go off
like soddin' Krakatoa!
139
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,960
I tell you what. That fun run thing
was a stroke of luck.
140
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,245
I don't know. Some dog.
141
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,280
Why would a dog take our trousers?
142
00:07:01,315 --> 00:07:02,405
I don't know!
143
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,360
Maybe we were having a barbecue
and the sausages spat on them!
144
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,405
Oh, God, this is painful.
145
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,560
Look at me!
I think you look good.
146
00:07:11,595 --> 00:07:13,800
No, I don't. I look like you.
147
00:07:13,835 --> 00:07:15,440
What's wrong with that?
148
00:07:15,475 --> 00:07:16,917
Look at me!
149
00:07:16,952 --> 00:07:18,360
Come on.
150
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,160
Can you not smack my arse again?
151
00:07:22,195 --> 00:07:23,725
We're supposed to be mates.
152
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,840
So, how long had Ted lived
over the road before
153
00:07:25,875 --> 00:07:29,160
the two of you got together?
Six months?
154
00:07:29,195 --> 00:07:30,245
Oh.
155
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:34,200
Yes, but by that time, Stuart and I
were very much voluntarily dividing.
156
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,680
Look, I really would like to talk
about my new policy ideas.
157
00:07:38,715 --> 00:07:40,125
So you left Stuart for Ted?
158
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,320
Oh, I wouldn't put it like that.
159
00:07:44,815 --> 00:07:46,205
Oh! Look at you two.
160
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,280
You look exactly the same.
161
00:07:48,315 --> 00:07:50,077
Oh! What can I say?
162
00:07:50,112 --> 00:07:51,840
My man's got style.
163
00:07:51,875 --> 00:07:53,165
Hmm. Yep.
164
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,005
So you and Stuart weren't
separated
165
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,720
when you got together with Ted?
No, no, no.
166
00:07:57,755 --> 00:07:59,285
No, that's not what I was saying.
167
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:03,240
She left me five months before she
officially moved in with him.
168
00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:06,920
Right. And where did you stay in the
meantime?
169
00:08:06,955 --> 00:08:08,120
With me.
170
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,045
There's no angle on this.
171
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,920
Stuart and I met at university.
172
00:08:13,955 --> 00:08:15,645
We got married at 23,
173
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,880
had 18 happy years together
174
00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:20,045
and then five tricky ones,
175
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,800
as it became apparent we wanted
different things.
176
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:24,560
What was it that YOU wanted, Stuart?
177
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,720
Well, um, you know...
178
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,880
I like watching telly.
179
00:08:31,915 --> 00:08:33,240
Christ.
180
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,365
Look, the point is,
181
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,045
Stuart's pulled his socks up.
182
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,760
He's got a new family, and now we
all get along terrifically.
183
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,540
Stuart?
184
00:08:49,575 --> 00:08:50,845
Lunch?
185
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,805
Yep.
I'll give you a hand.
186
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,200
And how has Madonna coped
with all this?
187
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,560
Oh, Madonna
has tremendous resilience.
188
00:08:57,595 --> 00:08:59,285
Oh, God!
189
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,525
What are you doing?
Looking for food!
190
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,840
We've got a load of posh nibs over
at ours. Just bring it all over.
191
00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,685
I'll stay here and do the whole
devoted husband thing.
192
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,840
This is ridiculous. I'm supposed to
be starting a new job today!
193
00:09:08,875 --> 00:09:11,440
Oh, come on, Stuart. You're a bit
old to be a receptionist.
194
00:09:11,475 --> 00:09:13,400
Front desk executive!
195
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,400
We need to get some food from
your mum's.
196
00:09:18,365 --> 00:09:18,435
Shaggy.
197
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,440
So, what was this march about?
198
00:09:24,475 --> 00:09:26,325
Extinction Rebellion.
199
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,820
I'm supposed to be
the blood of Mother Earth,
200
00:09:28,855 --> 00:09:31,245
but now, according to you,
I'm just a bollock.
201
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,200
Sorry about that. I panicked.
I think you look great.
202
00:09:35,172 --> 00:09:36,040
Whatever.
203
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,525
Hello!
204
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,885
Yeah. Sorry, I meant to call.
205
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,365
Yeah. There's been a bit of a family
crisis.
206
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,240
Someone took me trousers.
Well, me neighbour's trousers.
207
00:09:48,275 --> 00:09:49,840
I AM taking this seriously.
208
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,120
One strike? That's not even a thing.
209
00:09:57,155 --> 00:09:58,640
Can't I have another strike?
210
00:09:58,675 --> 00:09:59,925
Hello?
211
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,120
Oh, fucking hell!
212
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,560
Don't worry, you can watch telly at
mine. Your telly's tiny.
213
00:10:12,595 --> 00:10:16,160
Oh, the bailiffs have taken
all the food!
214
00:10:16,195 --> 00:10:18,485
How much does he owe?
215
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,600
Don't know.
I almost feel sorry for him.
216
00:10:20,635 --> 00:10:23,080
I don't.
No, neither do I.
217
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,080
Do you think they're gonna
take the house?
218
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,045
If they do,
you can come and live with me.
219
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,480
Uncle Charlie's gone now,
so you can have your old room back.
220
00:10:33,515 --> 00:10:35,520
Be like the old days.
221
00:10:35,555 --> 00:10:37,360
Fuck...that.
222
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,080
Just a thought.
223
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,080
Let's see if Sandy and Barry
have got any food.
224
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,620
I did a bit of protesting at uni.
225
00:11:01,655 --> 00:11:03,720
They were closing down the library.
226
00:11:03,755 --> 00:11:05,125
So?
227
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,400
I was just saying.
It's good to be part of something.
228
00:11:07,435 --> 00:11:09,017
Fight for justice.
229
00:11:09,052 --> 00:11:10,600
Get behind a cause.
230
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,440
They turned it into a nightclub.
231
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,560
Burnt down. Block of flats now.
232
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,080
Martin Kemp owns one.
233
00:11:20,115 --> 00:11:21,725
Who?
234
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,920
All right?
235
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,040
All right.
236
00:11:27,075 --> 00:11:28,637
Is Barry in?
237
00:11:28,672 --> 00:11:30,165
Hi, guys.
238
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,760
Love the new look, Madonna.
239
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,365
Barry there?
240
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,560
Sure. He's in the living room.
241
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,045
Barry!
242
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,960
Just go and get some coffee.
243
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,600
He's got his headphones on.
244
00:11:56,475 --> 00:11:58,405
Oh, hello.
245
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,800
Sorry. Just in the middle of
an opera marathon.
246
00:12:00,835 --> 00:12:02,400
Fan of Wagner?
247
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,640
He's all right.
248
00:12:04,675 --> 00:12:06,277
Oh, don't tell me.
249
00:12:06,312 --> 00:12:07,880
Apple? Cherry? Plum?
250
00:12:07,915 --> 00:12:08,845
Bollock.
251
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,640
Please yourself.
252
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,760
I take it you met Paul?
253
00:12:13,795 --> 00:12:15,045
Not really.
254
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,480
He's our new lodger.
255
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:20,800
Hey?
256
00:12:20,835 --> 00:12:21,960
Sure.
257
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,245
OK.
258
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,960
Look, um, I've got some unexpected
guests
259
00:12:28,995 --> 00:12:31,160
and, er, I've got no food in.
260
00:12:31,195 --> 00:12:32,525
Have you got anything?
261
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,280
Hold tight.
I'll just go and quiz the fridge.
262
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,480
Noisy morning.
263
00:12:49,515 --> 00:12:51,837
What do you mean?
264
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:54,160
Oh. Yeah. Right.
265
00:12:54,195 --> 00:12:55,537
Poor Ted.
266
00:12:55,572 --> 00:12:56,845
Yeah.
267
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,685
Here you go!
268
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,880
They're all in date.
269
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,120
Thanks.
270
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,640
Are you two going to get dressed
today?
271
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,480
Do you think Paul and Sandy...?
272
00:13:19,515 --> 00:13:21,120
Of course they are!
273
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,445
It goes without saying,
274
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,220
I think the elderly are valued
members of society.
275
00:13:29,255 --> 00:13:31,960
So what are your views
on subsidised care homes?
276
00:13:31,995 --> 00:13:33,725
She doesn't care about us.
277
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,720
How many people over 60 do you speak
to on a daily basis?
278
00:13:36,755 --> 00:13:38,725
We're not talking to you,
Willie.
279
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,885
But, roughly, how many?
Our cleaner's in her 80s.
280
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,640
I mean, we don't talk to each other,
I don't speak Turkish,
281
00:13:44,675 --> 00:13:46,285
but I still consider her a friend.
282
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,240
It's all take, take, take with you
lot. If it moves, you'll privatise it.
283
00:13:50,275 --> 00:13:52,285
It's not about privatisation.
284
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:56,120
It's about delegating
financial responsibility to...
285
00:13:56,155 --> 00:13:57,485
The highest bidder?
286
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,005
Some of my best friends were
saved by the NHS.
287
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,000
If they go private, it might screw
up my dick pills.
288
00:14:03,035 --> 00:14:05,960
Lunch is almost ready.
Lovely. What are we having?
289
00:14:05,995 --> 00:14:08,137
His deli platters are to die for.
290
00:14:08,172 --> 00:14:10,280
Fish pie, sweet and sour pork...
291
00:14:10,315 --> 00:14:11,680
..and rice pudding.
292
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:13,960
Can you give me a hand, Dad?
293
00:14:13,995 --> 00:14:15,085
Yeah. And I will
294
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,360
take on board what you've said,
Willie. Good!
295
00:14:17,395 --> 00:14:19,600
And free rubber johnnies
for the over-70s.
296
00:14:19,565 --> 00:14:19,635
Now, please.
297
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,800
Pensioners really are
the backbone of our society...
298
00:14:25,835 --> 00:14:27,205
What's wrong?
299
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,480
Stop winding her up. We're supposed
to be making her look good.
300
00:14:29,515 --> 00:14:31,360
I'm trying to protect my dick pills.
301
00:14:31,395 --> 00:14:33,165
What the fuck?!
302
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,480
I apologise for making things
awkward, Kate.
303
00:14:35,515 --> 00:14:37,717
But I'm a bit grumpy since
I gave up food.
304
00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,920
I don't care, Willie.
And stop pacing.
305
00:14:39,955 --> 00:14:41,685
I've got to hit my steps.
306
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,080
What the hell's going on?
Why is Madonna red?
307
00:14:44,115 --> 00:14:45,405
Why is Ted being so nice to you?
308
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,280
And where were your fucking
trousers?
309
00:14:47,315 --> 00:14:49,165
Got a new job. So?
310
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,420
Bertha was sick on my suit.
I had to borrow one from Ted.
311
00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:53,640
So why were you in your pants?
And where is the suit?
312
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,640
A dog took it.
313
00:14:56,675 --> 00:14:58,045
What dog?
314
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,240
I don't know. Some dog.
315
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:02,400
Shall I tell her? No!
316
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,725
Tell me what?
317
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,040
You need to speak to Ted.
318
00:15:05,075 --> 00:15:06,885
I'd better get that.
319
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,440
Stuart! Who's the guy
who writes your car reviews?
320
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,280
I really like him.
He knows his machines...
321
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,605
Humphrey.
322
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,640
Steve. Stuart. Stuart.
Now's really not a good time.
323
00:15:16,675 --> 00:15:18,560
It never bloody is, is it?
Where's Apes?
324
00:15:18,595 --> 00:15:20,485
She's at mother and baby shiatsu.
325
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,685
OK. Well, I might as well
just come out with it.
326
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,960
I've done some number crunching,
and I'm pretty sure Bertha's mine.
327
00:15:25,995 --> 00:15:28,320
What? Don't be stupid.
328
00:15:28,355 --> 00:15:29,685
Who's this?
329
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,805
I'll tell you this is.
My name's Humphrey Roehampton.
330
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,760
I was April's fiance, and I'm father
to this man's daughter.
331
00:15:34,795 --> 00:15:37,640
No, you're not. You look
nothing like her. Bugger off!
332
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:39,677
I'm not going anywhere
until this is dealt with.
333
00:15:39,712 --> 00:15:41,645
Can you keep it down, please?
We've got guests.
334
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,280
Do they know that you stole my baby?
I want a paternity test.
335
00:15:45,315 --> 00:15:48,045
No chance!
You'd better lawyer up, princess.
336
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,920
Cos I'm not handing over
my granddaughter to you.
337
00:15:50,955 --> 00:15:52,760
Dad, can you leave us alone?
338
00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:54,005
Twat.
339
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,040
Listen, if you want to take it down
the legal route, then bring it on.
340
00:15:57,075 --> 00:15:59,117
I play golf with Sting's solicitor.
341
00:15:59,152 --> 00:16:01,436
So? How can you bring up a child
here?
342
00:16:01,471 --> 00:16:03,395
Not exactly screaming "cash",
are you?
343
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:05,285
I just got a really good job,
actually.
344
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,960
Stuart, whatever this is, can it
wait? I'd like a word.
345
00:16:07,995 --> 00:16:09,120
What's it going to be, chum?
346
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,240
Both of you, tell me now,
what is going on?
347
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,085
I've got to pee!
Ted!
348
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,840
My sex life
is incredibly demanding.
349
00:16:23,875 --> 00:16:25,040
Sounds intriguing.
350
00:16:25,075 --> 00:16:26,365
Oh, Christ!
351
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,405
Tell me more.
352
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,680
We don't want to know
about your sex life, Willie.
353
00:16:29,715 --> 00:16:31,440
I do. I don't.
354
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,560
the amount of drugs
that I ingested over the years.
355
00:16:37,595 --> 00:16:38,925
- Dad...
- And do you still
356
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,160
take recreational drugs?
Aye, loads.
357
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:43,920
Dad, could you get that?
358
00:16:43,955 --> 00:16:45,165
Aye.
359
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,720
If it's that toff,
can I slap him in the ball bag?
360
00:16:47,755 --> 00:16:49,040
Oh, God. No.
361
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,045
Sorry, how is any of this
relevant to the article?
362
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,120
I'm just trying to build up
a bigger picture of your family.
363
00:16:56,155 --> 00:16:57,405
Oh, he's not my family.
364
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,285
Can I just say, for the record,
365
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,720
I'm totally against the use of
drugs?
366
00:17:01,755 --> 00:17:03,177
Unless it's Pinot.
367
00:17:03,212 --> 00:17:04,646
Enjoy a drink, do you?
368
00:17:04,681 --> 00:17:06,660
Oh, only with a box set.
369
00:17:06,695 --> 00:17:08,605
It's only Barry. Oh, God.
370
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,440
- Felicitations.
- What do you want, Barry?
371
00:17:11,475 --> 00:17:14,240
So sorry to steamroll through your
lunch,
372
00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:16,085
but, Stuart, I think I owe you
373
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:18,800
and perhaps everyone, really,
an explanation.
374
00:17:18,835 --> 00:17:21,125
Sorry, whatever it is, could it
wait?
375
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,120
I feel these things
are best out in the open.
376
00:17:23,155 --> 00:17:24,525
I'm not sure they are.
377
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,200
We're all friends, and I haven't
been entirely transparent with you
378
00:17:28,235 --> 00:17:31,005
re mine and Sandy's domestic
situation.
379
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:34,160
- Sorry, you are?
- Oh, forgive me. Barry Foskin.
380
00:17:34,195 --> 00:17:35,485
Next door at number 4.
381
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,165
Suki Morgan. Mail On Sunday.
382
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,485
They're doing a lifestyle piece
on me.
383
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,160
Oh, I see. Well, this is strictly
off the record, Suki.
384
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,685
Of course. Barry...
385
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:47,400
Now, in the coming months,
you may see Sandy with a young man.
386
00:17:47,435 --> 00:17:49,920
- His name is Paul.
- You mean, your lodger?
387
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,565
What's this?
388
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,440
Ah, I'm glad you're here, Ted.
389
00:17:57,475 --> 00:17:59,085
Saves me a trip.
390
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:03,400
I'm just filling everyone in
on Paul - Sandy's...
391
00:18:03,435 --> 00:18:04,840
..second partner.
392
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,045
Oh, dear.
393
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,125
No, no, no, Stuart, it's absolutely
fine.
394
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,240
You see, we are in what is commonly
known as -
395
00:18:11,275 --> 00:18:13,160
correct me if I'm wrong, Suki -
396
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,445
Barry, why don't you go home?
397
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,720
So, Sandy's biffing this Paul guy?
398
00:18:22,755 --> 00:18:24,600
Well, by mutual consent.
399
00:18:24,635 --> 00:18:26,085
It's all very fair.
400
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:29,400
Paul and Sandy are going to be
together Monday through Thursday
401
00:18:29,435 --> 00:18:31,165
and every other weekend,
402
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,045
And I do the rest.
Unless she wants to be on her own.
403
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,360
- Doesn't sound very fair.
- When Sandy handed me the leaflet,
404
00:18:37,395 --> 00:18:39,640
that's the first thing
that went through my head.
405
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,360
So, how do you work out
the sleeping arrangements?
406
00:18:47,395 --> 00:18:49,685
Really?
It's very straightforward.
407
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,520
Should I need to go in the bedroom
on a Paul and Sandy night,
408
00:18:53,555 --> 00:18:57,320
I just announce myself with
a special knock or a big sneeze.
409
00:18:57,355 --> 00:18:58,937
You poor bastard.
410
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,485
I'm very happy.
411
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:05,480
And I'd like you, as my friends
and neighbours, to be happy for me.
412
00:19:05,515 --> 00:19:06,997
We are, Barry.
413
00:19:07,032 --> 00:19:07,756
But maybe go now.
414
00:19:07,791 --> 00:19:08,935
Yes, quite so.
415
00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:10,045
I shall skedaddle.
416
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,160
Last thing you need is me
rabbiting on.
417
00:19:12,195 --> 00:19:14,297
Not after the morning
you've had, Ted.
418
00:19:14,332 --> 00:19:16,400
I had the bailiffs round
myself once.
419
00:19:16,435 --> 00:19:17,765
What? See you, then, Barry.
420
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,485
Took my whole collection
of vintage beer mats.
421
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,080
That's back when I refused
to pay the old poll tax.
422
00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:25,640
You can put that in your article
if you like, Suki.
423
00:19:25,675 --> 00:19:27,565
The bailiffs were here?
Come on, Barry.
424
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,880
Have I said something I shouldn't?
I'd better go.
425
00:19:29,915 --> 00:19:31,440
I said I'd run Paul and Sandy
a bath.
426
00:19:31,475 --> 00:19:33,805
Ted? Bailiffs?
427
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,920
What? No, I'm sure
it's not what it sounds like.
428
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,485
Ted?
429
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:41,640
Tell her.
430
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,360
Yes, Stuart, tell her.
431
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,765
Me? Yes.
432
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,960
It was you, wasn't it?
433
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,640
Yeah, it's my fault.
434
00:20:01,675 --> 00:20:03,257
SIGHS
435
00:20:03,292 --> 00:20:04,805
Go on.
436
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,320
Yeah, go on, Stu.
437
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,800
Well...
438
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,120
..not only am I Ted's best mate...
439
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,720
..I'm also his business partner.
440
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,440
Isn't that right, Ted?
441
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,885
Yeah.
442
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:26,240
Yeah, that's right.
443
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,845
And...
444
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,160
I've been having a few problems.
445
00:20:32,195 --> 00:20:33,697
Right.
446
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:35,165
Right...
447
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,640
Yeah, keep going, big man.
You're doing the right thing.
448
00:20:38,675 --> 00:20:40,685
Yes, go on, Stuart.
449
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,720
Tell us what's going on.
450
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,760
Well, the long and short of it is...
451
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,800
..I've bankrupt the company.
452
00:20:50,835 --> 00:20:51,925
What?!
453
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,400
Yes. His actions might mean
we lose the house.
454
00:20:55,435 --> 00:20:56,817
Oh, God, no!
455
00:20:56,852 --> 00:20:58,165
Stuart!
456
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,040
How much did you lose?
457
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:05,200
Somewhere in the region...of...
458
00:21:05,235 --> 00:21:07,017
1.2 million.
459
00:21:07,052 --> 00:21:08,800
Yeah, that's it.
460
00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,297
Fucking hell!
461
00:21:10,332 --> 00:21:11,725
Stuart!
462
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:15,160
So, ex-husband gets his revenge
by wilfully destroying MP's life?
463
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,405
Yeah.
464
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,845
Stuart!
Not now, Barry!
465
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,440
- So you weren't on a fun run?
- I'm afraid that was a lie.
466
00:21:21,475 --> 00:21:23,085
Yes, Stuart thought it was best
to lie.
467
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,640
So, why are you painted red?
I'm trying to save the planet.
468
00:21:25,675 --> 00:21:27,517
Next year I'm sailing round the
Arctic.
469
00:21:27,552 --> 00:21:29,325
Going to use the money Grandpa
left me.
470
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,680
Ah, yeah, you'd better put the
brakes on that one.
471
00:21:31,715 --> 00:21:32,805
Why?
472
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:34,240
Yes, why?
473
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:36,960
Stuart?
474
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,245
What?
475
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:43,240
There's something else
Stuart hasn't told you.
476
00:21:43,275 --> 00:21:44,485
Um...
477
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,280
He had to dip into Madonna's
inheritance to pay off
478
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,080
Don't speak to him like that.
He's your dad!
479
00:21:53,115 --> 00:21:54,680
He had his reasons.
480
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,440
How much did you dip into it...
481
00:21:58,475 --> 00:21:59,560
..Stuart?
482
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,525
Um...
483
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,285
Be honest, mate. Be honest.
484
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,800
He dipped into all of it
and took all of it out!
485
00:22:08,835 --> 00:22:10,285
Fuck! Did I?
486
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,805
I am a fucking wanker!
487
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,280
Shut up, everyone!
I think he's having a heart attack!
488
00:22:15,315 --> 00:22:16,845
Dad! Grandad!
489
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,340
Oh, my God!
Call an ambulance!
490
00:22:19,375 --> 00:22:20,587
I'll get Paul. He knows first
491
00:22:20,622 --> 00:22:21,765
aid. Works on the oil rigs.
492
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,085
Don't worry, Dad. Help's on its way.
493
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:26,040
Come here, son. There's
something I need to tell you.
494
00:22:26,075 --> 00:22:27,405
I'm here, Dad.
495
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,320
If I don't make it, you need
to know...
496
00:22:30,355 --> 00:22:31,837
I love you too.
497
00:22:31,872 --> 00:22:33,320
That moustache...
498
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,600
..makes you look like a tosspot.
499
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,720
Yep.
500
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,240
We need to move quite swiftly.
There's been a major
501
00:22:45,275 --> 00:22:47,685
deterioration in his renal function.
502
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,885
So, there's something wrong
with his, what, renus?
503
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,320
You bankrupt us, steal Madonna's
money and this is somehow on me?!
504
00:22:54,355 --> 00:22:55,565
Are you drunk?
505
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,640
Yeah. But in a good way,
not in a "what's the point?" way.
506
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,480
All right, Stu?
That's him!
507
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,440
Your dad mentioned
you had a tiny phobia of needles.
508
00:23:04,475 --> 00:23:05,817
It's not tiny.
509
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,160
Oh, fuck off!
510
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,600
I'm not missing the look on your
face when you find out
511
00:23:10,635 --> 00:23:12,405
I'm Bertha's dad. You're not.
Stop saying that.
512
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,960
I paid for the test. I should be
there when they announce the winner.
513
00:23:14,995 --> 00:23:17,400
And that's 100%, is it?
514
00:23:17,435 --> 00:23:18,800
Well?
515
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:27,880
You Can't Judge A Book
By Its Cover by Bo Diddley
516
00:23:27,930 --> 00:23:32,480
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