Original subtitles

How are your parents? I hate it here.

That doesn't count! I'm on the phone!

What are you doing? Helping Mummy with her backhand.

The new tennis courts are to die for.

How's Bertha? Bit grizzly.

Keeps screaming at the peacocks.

Are you still in bed? No.

Stu, you're so lazy.

I didn't get in till three.

One of me speakers fell on the bride.

Oh, my God. Is she all right?

No.

Well, look, Daddy's driver's setting off in ten,

so we shouldn't be long.

Remember you've got Bertha this afternoon. I've got Aqua Pilates.

Yep. April, we're picking medlars!

Oh, I've got to go. Love you!

Bye.

What are you doing here?

Have you taken something?

What's going on? Who are you?

I'm Stuart. I'm a wedding DJ. I haven't got any money.

Please don't kill me. Shut up!

If this is about last night, it's not my fault.

The bass was too high on Pass The Dutchie.

I said, shut up, and give me that!

Right. Sit down.

What are you doing in his house?

It's my house. He's my brother.

You said it was your house.

All right. I popped back for your iPad. You are a piece of work.

I couldn't agree more. All right. Get a room.

Can someone tell me, please, what is going on?

I did tell you I might have ruffled quite a few feathers.

You've ruined my life! Have I, though?

I've lost everything! You obviously didn't read the small print.

I made it clear that there was a tiny risk that, should markets dip,

that you might lose a portion of your investment.

The bank's taken my house. My wife's kicked me out.

I've been sleeping in the car! I can't afford the kids' school fees.

All I've eaten in the last three days is your banana!

I will get you a new banana. Fuck his banana! I want my money!

Fucking hell, Charlie. How much do you owe him?

100 grand. Jesus!

You haven't got... He hasn't got that kind of money.

Course he has. He's absolutely broke. Stuart...

No, he's not. Are you?

Stuart, how much money have you got on you?

There's 45 quid in the Carte D'Or tub under the sink.

Mmmm, no there isn't.

Oh, fuck! Oh, my God!

All right, all right. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I've got some money stashed away. What?

How much? How much?!

It's a bit under 50 grand. How much?!

Where is it? It's somewhere safe.

All right, all right, all right. I stashed it

in one of those sacks of gravel in the shed.

You buried 50 grand in my gravel?

With a bit of help from Dad. Dad knows? Why was he helping you?

Me back.

50 grand? How could you? I've been paying for everything!

Shut up, both of you! I need to think.

Could just get it out.

You, get it out.

Me? Why me? Well, it is your gravel.

Who's that?

I don't know. All right.

Get rid of them and no funny business, or he's dead!

Yeah. No funny business, Stu.

Oh, Stu, you're still in your jimjams.

I'm having a day off.

No, you're not. You're supposed to be next door!

Oh, your anniversary.

Yes, my anniversary.

You've already missed the Buck's fizz.

Chops are on the barbie, so go and get dressed.

I've lined up something a bit special for Sandy.

You OK?

Ey?

Plea?

Clondon plea?

No, you've completely lost me, I'm afraid.

50 grand! I bought you a waffle-maker.

And very nice it is, too.

I've been living off beans on toast the last two months.

Well, you should have said. Would have made you a waffle.

Stop bickering.

Shit! What?

April. Who's April?

Me girlfriend. She's on her way back. Shit.

You'll have to call her. Tell her to stay away. Say what? I don't know.

Tell her you met someone else. Oh, she'll never buy that.

Oi, oi, oi. Speakerphone.

You could be talking in code.

Hey, Daddy Bear. We're just getting in the car now.

Um, there's a bit of a problem this end, sweetheart.

What do you mean?

I've flooded the bathroom.

You and your bloody IBS!

Yeah. Maybe you should stay at your mum and dad's for another night.

No way! Daddy's driving me potty.

He's hit the Dubonnet. Well, so stay in a B&B.

I'm not staying in a B&B.

What about a Travelodge?

They don't have spas!

Where do you want to stay, April?

Maison Chic.

It's 300 quid a night.

Fine. See? This is why we're getting on so well.

You're so impulsive these days.

Daddy?

Bertha's rolling towards the lake.

I've got to go. Bye. Give me that!

Right. Where's this gravel?

You are fucking joking?

Which one is it?

I can't remember, can I? It was six months ago.

Who keeps this much gravel?

I only wanted three, but I double clicked. They won't take them back.

We'll just have to go through the lot, then.

Don't just stand there. Give us a hand.

What, with my knees? Nothing wrong with your knees.

What do you take?

What?

For your guts. IBS. I can't shift mine.

I don't know. Ginger?

Oh, does that work? Does it bollocks!

You're a prick, Charlie.

You should have more faith in me.

Based on what? When have I ever let you down?

Always! All the time!

Apart from that? It's all right for you.

You drift through life with no responsibilities.

I mowed your lawn a few weeks back. It's Astroturf!

All right, I hoovered it, then!

I'm the one that has to go to work every day,

just so you can spend the afternoon wanking in front of the telly.

Poor you! Look at me with me job, me big telly,

me nice house and me fish tank!

You've got no idea.

Try being me for ten minutes. Give us the gun, then. Shut up!

Oh, my back hurts.

Just get on with it!

Make sure you have a nice bath later.

Take a couple of ibuprofen. That's what I do.

Used to, till they took the house.

Now my wife and kids are in a shitty bedsit,

and I have to sink-wash in a Sainsbury's bog.

Scrub my boxers with hand soap.

Stu!

Shit. All right, Baz?

Charlie! Long time, no see.

What's all this, then?

Gravelling the lawn in your jimjams?

Er...

Oh, how rude of me.

Barry Foskin.

Mick. Mick what?

Mick...Mock.

You're not one of the Salford Mocks, are you?

Had a run-in with them in '76.

So, what you doing?

Mick's...

Mick's...cat's dead.

Oh...

Yeah. We're just burying it.

In gravel.

He, er, lives in a tower block. No garden.

Penthouse. Family loves it. Yeah.

Must have been squashed by a good 50 or 60 cars.

Poor thing looked like a hairy pancake.

Nissan estate? Duvet in the back, takeaway cartons,

empty miniatures?

Yes, yes, it's mine. You wouldn't mind shifting it,

would you, Mick? Only my mate, Terry, needs to get his car

as close to the house as possible,

what with his gammy back and arms.

I can't really do it right now. I need to get this shit sorted.

Oh... I'll do it. No!

You do it.

Full disclosure, I have had a couple of Camparis.

Yeah, just do it!

Please.

Yeah. Please, Barry.

Right you are. Word to the wise -

dead cats in gravel do kick up a pong during the summer months.

Turn it up! 11!

Come and shake that booty, Barry! Yolanda!

Tango in two ticks.

Liz?

It's Barry, Stuart's neighbour.

Can I just say, condolences on the cat.

No. I think you've got the wrong number.

This is Mick's phone.

Mick.

You may well have called Simon but you've got through to Mick.

Well, Barry.

Yeah, they can do that sometimes.

Yeah. Technology, Liz, what can I say?

No. No problem at all.

All the best!

Yeah, it's me again.

Does your husband own a Nissan estate?

Eat a lot of takeaways?

Right...

Well, this is a proper Ruth Rendell.

No. Definitely said his name was Mick.

Mick Mock. Ring any bells?

Yeah. It does sound a bit made up.

I think the mists are beginning to clear, Liz.

I don't really like to say.

Well, it's just my opinion, you understand,

but he's obviously groping for trout in a peculiar river.

Oh, it's Shakespeare, Liz.

For having an affair.

I'm terribly sorry.

Now... Now, now, Liz.

Liz...

I know, Liz.

I know he is.

Yep. Yep.

I'll tell him.

Mmm.

Bye, then.

Bye!

Oh, dear.

Baja!

Get warmed up!

Yeah!

Ooh-ooh, yeah!

My beauties, yes.

Is it done?

It is.

You'll probably be needing this.

I'm afraid the cat's out of the bag, Simon,

if you'll excuse the rather insensitive pun.

What are you talking about? Liz called.

My Liz?

'Fraid so.

She knows about the affair.

What affair?

Well, false name, Simon. Dead giveaway.

I could repeat what she said,

but it was rather laden with expletives.

The gist is, don't ever come back.

Why the fuck does she think I'm having an affair?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Let's not do anything silly, Mick.

Simon! No, Mick's the affair name.

There is no affair!

I love her more than anything in the world.

Look, when you've finished interring the little one,

why don't you all pop over here?

There's a sausage with your name on it, Simon.

Or Mick. Call it what you want, it's your sausage.

Hey, cheer up, big fella. She'll take you back.

I didn't cheat on her. I never would.

Of course not.

But, you know, everyone does it.

No, they don't!

Yes, they do. No, they don't.

Well, your first girlfriend did. That Suzanne what's-her-name.

Cartwright? Yeah. That's the one.

No, she didn't. Yeah, she did.

Who with?

Oh, you fucker.

Oh, it were years ago.

Are you crying?

I don't want to talk to you.

You're crying, aren't you?

Yes, I'm crying, Charlie!

None of this is bothering you, is it? Well, of course it is.

You've got to laugh, else you'll...

Well, you ARE, but...

Oh, come on.

Do you want a hug?

No, I don't want a fucking hug!

I just wanted a day off. What is it with you?

You're ruining my life! Come on. We've had some laughs, haven't we?

No. No, we have not. I only let you stay here cos I had no choice.

What do you mean?

The mortgage. What about it?

and unless I let you stay here, you'd tell the police. Did I?

Oh, yeah.

No, that was a lie.

I've been shitting myself for the last seven months

cos I thought someone was going to take my house!

How could you do that to your own brother?

Dunno.

I'd nowhere else to go.

I am sorry, OK?

I really am.

I've made some mistakes, but nobody's taking your house away, OK?

That mortgage is all on the level, so stop worrying.

I am sorry, Stu.

Who the fuck is that? I don't know.

I've had enough of this crap.

Get rid of them!

Hurry up.

Hi. Humphrey Roehampton.

Hello.

What's with the jamas?

What do you want?

Is Apes there?

You mean April? Yah.

No, she's at her mum and dad's. Right...

Bit awks. Buddy of mine, Mike Bottford,

told me she'd shacked up with some old guy.

Yeah. That's me.

So you're Spencer? Stuart. Right.

I'm a bit busy. What do you want? All right, I'll cut to the chase.

April's the love of my life and I want her back.

Piss off. Totally understandable.

Look, I'm just going to pop in and Apes and I can hash this out

when she's back. No, she's not interested.

I'd like to hear that from Apes' lips.

We're together now. We've got a family.

What do you mean? We've got a baby.

Can you please leave? Baby? Wow.

How old?

Shit! OK...

What? Nothing...

What? Nothing.

I'll, er, see you around, Scott.

Who was that?

April's ex. Come to pick her up?

That's not funny.

Why is this taking so long?

You're lying to me, ain't ya? I know it. I'm not, I'm not.

There is no money, is there?

If you've been stringing me along...

Charlie? There is!

Look, Dad'll know which sack it's in.

If you give me me phone back, I'll text me dad. He knows!

Last chance.

"Hi, Dad.

"Do you remember...

"...which sack

"my rainy day stash is in?

"Kiss, kiss." Send.

Oh, God.

Passcode.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Read it!

Go on!

I don't want to. Read it!

"There is no money, Stu, what we going to do?"

And then there's a little emoji of a man shrugging.

Oh, fucking hell! I forgot he had it.

I told you, but you wouldn't listen. You think this is a game!

Come on, Simon. I can pay you back.

I've got plenty more Ponzi schemes on the go.

Why are you making me do this?

No-one's making you do anything.

Get on your knees!

Please don't do this.

Both of you, on your knees!

This is all on you, Charlie Stallone!

Stallone? I had to cover me tracks!

How's that working out for you? Shut up!

Oh, God, this isn't happening!

Just think about what you're doing. It's not too late.

I messed up with my first family and I've got a beautiful baby girl.

I said, shut up.

Who the fuck is that?

I don't know.

Get...rid...of...them!

Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Barry called us. He's got a gun.

CHARLIE WHIMPERS

Sit down!

And you.

I think you want next door.

What's all this, then?

All right, Mum.

What the hell's going on? Why is Madonna red?

Why is Ted being so nice to you?

This guy! What are you doing?

And where were your fucking trousers?

Kate's not daft, she knows something's wrong.

It's going to go off like soddin' Krakatoa!

Do not smack my arse again. We're supposed to be mates.

All right? He's our new lodger.

Sleeps in the spare room.

Hey?

Sure.

We are in what is commonly known as a polyamorous relationship.

Dear God. Or, as I like to call it, a throuple.

I'm not afraid to give you a spanking!

Yeah, I'd like to see you try!

We're just a regular family who enjoy each other's company.

Damn straight.

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