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1
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,125
No-one's after you, Charlie.
That's because
2
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,280
I go to great lengths
to conceal my whereabouts.
3
00:00:12,315 --> 00:00:14,725
Dad's turned on location services.
Shit!
4
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,900
That means that they know
where I am. And that means I'll be
5
00:00:16,935 --> 00:00:19,040
bundled off into a van and
dragged into a shallow grave.
6
00:00:19,075 --> 00:00:22,040
Oi! Nigel Mansell!
This is a residential area!
7
00:00:22,075 --> 00:00:24,805
Agh! Help! Help! Go, go, go!
8
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,560
As soon as they realise
he isn't me, they'll let them go.
9
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,840
See you. I'll let you know
when I'm settled.
10
00:00:29,875 --> 00:00:31,205
You can send me some cash!
11
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,240
You truly are a lingering
disappointment.
12
00:00:33,275 --> 00:00:34,365
Yes, thank you, Mother.
13
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,020
Where's your dad? He's in the car.
14
00:00:36,055 --> 00:00:37,607
You know how he feels
about conflict.
15
00:00:37,642 --> 00:00:39,160
Didn't stop him sinking
the Belgrano.
16
00:00:39,195 --> 00:00:41,005
All right, Ron?
17
00:00:42,195 --> 00:00:43,937
He's dead. Who is?
18
00:00:43,972 --> 00:00:45,680
Ron. Fuck off!
19
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,205
£50,000 is a lot of money, Madonna.
20
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,420
It's important you do
something sensible with it.
21
00:01:21,455 --> 00:01:23,600
I'd go to the Peruvian Amazonia,
do ayahuasca,
22
00:01:23,635 --> 00:01:26,120
get the shaman to cover me
in tattoos.
23
00:01:26,155 --> 00:01:28,080
I'm definitely getting a tattoo.
24
00:01:28,115 --> 00:01:29,885
You definitely are not.
25
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,160
Do with it as you wish, my darling.
26
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:39,240
Mum! She'll never snag a man
27
00:01:39,275 --> 00:01:40,517
looking like a biker.
28
00:01:40,552 --> 00:01:41,725
It worked for me.
29
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:45,120
They do say money
doesn't buy you happiness,
30
00:01:45,155 --> 00:01:46,880
but I know a fellow
who won the pools.
31
00:01:46,915 --> 00:01:48,760
Left his wife and bought a yacht.
32
00:01:48,795 --> 00:01:50,160
Never seen him so merry!
33
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,765
..actually, no. No. Ignore me.
34
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,440
Just bumped into an old pal
from uni.
35
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,525
Ted! It's just bants, babes.
36
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,960
Look... Mum just sent me
a photo of Bertha in jodhpurs.
37
00:02:11,995 --> 00:02:14,240
Quick, let's send her one back.
38
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,680
Hashtag April and Stu on a ferry.
39
00:02:20,715 --> 00:02:22,120
We look so happy.
40
00:02:22,155 --> 00:02:23,597
Yeah, we do.
41
00:02:23,632 --> 00:02:25,005
We are. Hm.
42
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,685
Have you got any Imodium?
43
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,560
Ferry belly? It's a bit choppy.
44
00:02:28,595 --> 00:02:29,757
It's in the car.
45
00:02:29,792 --> 00:02:30,885
I won't be long.
46
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,400
Hurry up, Stuart.
We're about to scatter.
47
00:02:33,435 --> 00:02:34,760
So is he.
48
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:59,525
Can you return
to the passenger deck, sir?
49
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,160
What's happened? Has someone
smuggled a bomb on board?
50
00:03:02,195 --> 00:03:03,440
Is that supposed to be funny?
51
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,085
No.
52
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,500
You think bombs are funny, do you?
53
00:03:07,535 --> 00:03:09,880
No, I hate bombs. Bombs are shit.
54
00:03:09,915 --> 00:03:11,085
Stop saying the B word.
55
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,845
Sorry. Passengers are not permitted
56
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,400
to access the car deck
whilst the vessel is at sea.
57
00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:17,920
Please, I just need to get
to my car. I've got IBS.
58
00:03:17,955 --> 00:03:19,085
So?
59
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,645
I just... I just need
to get my tablets.
60
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,320
I'm starting to get really hot
farts. That's usually a sign.
61
00:03:25,355 --> 00:03:28,200
All right, all right, just hurry up.
Thank you.
62
00:03:28,235 --> 00:03:30,280
I'm really sorry. Sorry.
63
00:03:30,315 --> 00:03:31,565
So sorry.
64
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,260
Ooh.
65
00:03:37,295 --> 00:03:38,400
Oof!
66
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,260
Oh, shit!
67
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,680
All right, Stu?
68
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,120
What the fuck are you doing here?!
69
00:03:53,155 --> 00:03:54,680
Well, I was having a kip.
70
00:03:54,715 --> 00:03:56,085
In the boot?
71
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,685
April facebooked something
about scattering Ron in the Channel,
72
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,520
so I thought I'd take this opportunity
to smuggle meself into France.
73
00:04:01,555 --> 00:04:03,360
You know we're not getting out
at the other end?
74
00:04:03,395 --> 00:04:04,725
Oh, you're joking?
75
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,840
Where have you been
for the last two weeks? York.
76
00:04:06,875 --> 00:04:09,560
Newcastle. Berwick. Edinburgh.
77
00:04:09,595 --> 00:04:12,240
Berwick. Newcastle. York.
78
00:04:12,275 --> 00:04:14,725
King's Cross. York.
79
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,125
Have you been sleeping on a train?
80
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,940
Yeah. And boozing.
And hiding in the bogs.
81
00:04:18,975 --> 00:04:21,247
Jesus, Charlie.
There's police everywhere.
82
00:04:21,282 --> 00:04:23,520
I'm going to get done
for people trafficking.
83
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,045
I'm not going down because of you.
84
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,920
Oh, stop panicking. Nobody's going
to search this piece of crap.
85
00:04:27,955 --> 00:04:30,725
I'm off to get some brekkie.
No! Don't get out. They'll see you.
86
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,040
I'm Hank Marvin. All I've eaten in
the past 48 hours is your Imodium.
87
00:04:34,075 --> 00:04:36,445
But why? I need them. Now.
88
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,680
Well, excuse me
for not wanting to poo in your boot!
89
00:04:38,715 --> 00:04:40,165
Oh...
90
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,640
Hey, Stu. Do us a favour, would you?
91
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,600
Get us a panini and a caramel latte.
92
00:04:45,635 --> 00:04:47,800
Piss off!
93
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,520
Sorry for dropping the B bomb.
Word! B word.
94
00:04:56,555 --> 00:04:59,280
Bugger off. Yeah.
95
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,280
Dad.
Stuart!
96
00:05:19,315 --> 00:05:20,605
Come here.
97
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,640
Stuart! Come here!
98
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:38,240
What's so funny?
99
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,100
Private joke.
100
00:05:41,135 --> 00:05:42,685
Love the tash.
101
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,240
Ignore him. Bloody reprobate.
102
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,800
This? Nothing. Roundhoused one of
them. Groin-jabbed the other.
103
00:05:51,835 --> 00:05:53,920
And then dived out
of a speeding van.
104
00:05:53,955 --> 00:05:55,120
Useful. Yeah.
105
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,125
What?
106
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,080
You were crying
when the police dropped you off.
107
00:05:58,115 --> 00:06:00,405
Bollocks.
It's good to meet you, Stuart.
108
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,820
Todger's told me all about you.
Who's Todger?
109
00:06:02,855 --> 00:06:05,165
Oh, my God. You haven't heard
the stories?
110
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:08,160
He doesn't want to know.
Let me tell you! This guy!
111
00:06:08,195 --> 00:06:10,125
There wasn't an hour went by at uni
112
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,720
when he didn't find an opportunity
to flop his wang out.
113
00:06:12,755 --> 00:06:15,400
All right, pack it in, Botty!
114
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,960
That mean you were always
getting your bum out?
115
00:06:19,995 --> 00:06:22,080
Sorry, what? Eh?
116
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,960
You know - Todger, Botty.
117
00:06:25,995 --> 00:06:27,857
No. The name's Mike Bottford.
118
00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:29,685
Todge, what's this guy's deal?
119
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,760
To be honest, mate,
you did get your arse out a lot.
120
00:06:31,795 --> 00:06:33,080
And you know it, Todge!
121
00:06:33,115 --> 00:06:34,360
Yes, I knows it!
122
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,580
Did you find the Imodium?
123
00:06:37,615 --> 00:06:39,120
Oh, brilliant! Got the shits?
124
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:41,405
No.
125
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:42,680
April, this is Mike Bottford.
126
00:06:42,715 --> 00:06:44,045
Oh. Hi, Mike.
127
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:47,440
"Oh, to be in England
Now that April's here."
128
00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:49,600
What's that supposed to mean?
129
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,845
Hang on, have we met before?
130
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,440
Were you in Serre Chevalier
a couple of years ago?
131
00:06:59,475 --> 00:07:02,600
Oh, my G! You're Humphrey's April!
132
00:07:02,635 --> 00:07:04,205
Yeah. No, she's not.
133
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,280
You tried to get me skinny-boarding.
What's that?
134
00:07:06,315 --> 00:07:08,320
Naked snowboarding.
How is the old devil?
135
00:07:08,355 --> 00:07:10,377
Oh, Humpy... We broke up.
136
00:07:10,412 --> 00:07:12,400
Yeah. She's with me now.
137
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,005
We're really happy. Yeah.
138
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,380
Did Blake tell you about
what happened in Thailand?
139
00:07:19,415 --> 00:07:21,720
Tell me about it?
I'm the one who bailed him out.
140
00:07:21,755 --> 00:07:23,325
Total carnage. Oh!
141
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,240
I'm just going to...
Darius ended up in Battambang.
142
00:07:25,275 --> 00:07:26,845
Oh, my God. Broke his tibia.
143
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,880
He didn't!
Yeah, totally fucked.
144
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:30,480
Dad, can I have a word?
145
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,520
Did you know about Charlie?
What about him?
146
00:07:36,555 --> 00:07:38,680
He's hiding in the boot of my car.
Oh, great.
147
00:07:38,715 --> 00:07:40,685
No, not great.
He's on board illegally.
148
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,680
And there are police swarming
all over the car deck.
149
00:07:42,715 --> 00:07:43,805
Oh, dear.
150
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,205
What am I going to do?
151
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,920
They've got sniffer dogs
and everything.
152
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,765
Shit. What?
153
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,085
Shitty shit, shit, shit, shit.
154
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,920
Your brother is the least
of your worries.
155
00:07:54,955 --> 00:07:56,085
What are you talking about?
156
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,360
There's more than one Charlie
in the boot.
157
00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:00,800
Oh, what have you done?
158
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,980
Totally forgot about it.
159
00:08:07,015 --> 00:08:08,565
Oh, God! Oh, Christ!
160
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,120
You told me
not to keep drugs in the house.
161
00:08:11,155 --> 00:08:12,605
Oh, yeah, this is much better!
162
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,480
You've got to go and get it. Why me?
It's your coke. It's your car.
163
00:08:16,725 --> 00:08:16,725
Oh, no.
164
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:20,220
Don't just stand there.
We've got to flush it.
165
00:08:20,255 --> 00:08:23,680
Go and get it.
I'll meet you in the disabled bog.
166
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,085
Upsetting day, eh?
167
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,200
Funny story for you. Ron and I
were rambling in the Cotswolds...
168
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,845
Where's my panini?
169
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,960
Sod your panini. You're sitting
on half a pound of cocaine.
170
00:09:23,995 --> 00:09:25,525
Oh, yeah, I know.
171
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,220
Probably a bit less now.
172
00:09:27,255 --> 00:09:28,880
What's the matter with you?
173
00:09:28,915 --> 00:09:30,125
I'm bored.
174
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,285
Don't tell Dad.
I presume it is Dad's?
175
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,520
Yes, it's Dad's. And there are
police everywhere.
176
00:09:34,555 --> 00:09:35,565
I've got to get rid of it.
177
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,800
I think that's probably a good idea.
178
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,640
So, what's the plan? I'm going
to flush it down the toilet.
179
00:09:41,675 --> 00:09:43,685
No, no, no, no.
That's a terrible idea.
180
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,640
They monitor the waste systems
on these things.
181
00:09:45,675 --> 00:09:47,485
How do you know?
Saw it on Ross Kemp.
182
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,560
Oh, fuck. Look,
I'll just lob it into the sea.
183
00:09:50,595 --> 00:09:52,165
No, no, you can't do that either.
184
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,360
They've got CCTV on every deck
in case somebody falls overboard.
185
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,685
Oh, shit! What am I going to do?
No idea.
186
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,640
But you are currently an international
drugs and people smuggler.
187
00:10:00,675 --> 00:10:02,525
That's 25 years, minimum.
188
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,760
Oh, God.
And there's one other thing.
189
00:10:04,795 --> 00:10:06,240
What?
190
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,640
Er! I've already told you!
191
00:10:21,675 --> 00:10:23,205
Sorry.
192
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,880
I had to...pop back to my car...
193
00:10:25,915 --> 00:10:27,717
..to get...
194
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,485
..some pants.
195
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,480
Let's see 'em, then.
196
00:10:31,515 --> 00:10:33,285
What?
197
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,280
You said you went to the car
to get some pants.
198
00:10:36,315 --> 00:10:37,960
Where are they?
199
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,560
I'm wearing 'em.
200
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,445
All right, on your way.
201
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,560
Don't...let me see you
down here again.
202
00:10:54,595 --> 00:10:57,200
Sorry. Really sorry.
203
00:10:57,235 --> 00:10:58,440
Ooh...
204
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,600
Oh...
205
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,280
Enter.
Don't you want to know who it is?
206
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,640
Sorry. Old habits. Get in.
207
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,480
Got it?
208
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,440
Get it down here sharpish.
I can't.
209
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,045
Shit. Bung it in the sea, then.
210
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,920
There's cameras everywhere.
Christ! Think of something.
211
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,720
I'm not the one who smuggled it
on board.
212
00:11:36,755 --> 00:11:38,040
It's down your trousers.
213
00:11:38,075 --> 00:11:39,697
Oh...
214
00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,320
Oh, God.
215
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,480
Hang on a minute. Ron...
216
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,960
Oh, no. It's perfect.
217
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,525
It's how I'd like to go.
218
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,240
Oh, this isn't happening!
Have you got a better idea?
219
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,765
What am I supposed to say to Kate?
220
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,480
"Please may I cut my coke
with your dead dad?"
221
00:12:02,515 --> 00:12:04,525
Oh, Christ!
222
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:05,880
It's that or die in the slammer.
223
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,120
He's my dad.
224
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,200
He was helping me with my...
225
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:18,960
Hi!
226
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,840
Stuart! I need a word.
Now's not a good time.
227
00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:44,080
No. I need to discuss a matter
of some urgency
228
00:12:44,115 --> 00:12:45,880
before the police become involved.
229
00:12:45,915 --> 00:12:46,885
What?
230
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:51,760
Some time ago, I took a number
of Polaroid photographs of myself
231
00:12:51,795 --> 00:12:55,200
that might be described
as of an obscene nature.
232
00:12:55,235 --> 00:12:58,440
And? It was all perfectly innocent.
233
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,040
then I slipped them to her
in the back of a rickshaw.
234
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,805
Well, she hit the bloody roof.
235
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,480
Wholly rejected them and said
I was a "tragic son of a bitch".
236
00:13:09,515 --> 00:13:13,525
So, they have remained
in my smart jacket ever since.
237
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,200
Can you get to the point, please,
Barry? The aforementioned jacket
238
00:13:16,235 --> 00:13:18,525
is currently residing in your car.
239
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,605
There is a heavy police presence
on this ferry.
240
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,880
And I happen to know that smuggling
indecent material
241
00:13:24,915 --> 00:13:27,285
is against maritime law.
242
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,800
So, there's pictures of your penis
in my car?
243
00:13:29,835 --> 00:13:31,125
Yes.
244
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,725
And, I'm afraid, anus.
245
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,045
Oh... They're quite, quite graphic.
246
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,760
Look, it's fine, Barry.
It's drugs the police are after.
247
00:13:39,795 --> 00:13:42,605
They're ever so sordid.
248
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,600
You've got to do a bit
of an even spread.
249
00:13:44,635 --> 00:13:46,320
Play it safe with the percentage.
250
00:13:46,355 --> 00:13:47,765
Put it in your mutuals.
251
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,605
But the real money
is in upping the risk
252
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,120
and having a bit of fun
in your shares and derivatives.
253
00:13:52,155 --> 00:13:54,360
Botty's like Rain Man
when it comes to figures.
254
00:13:54,395 --> 00:13:56,080
Yeah, but without the mental stuff.
255
00:13:56,115 --> 00:13:57,640
I'm giving it all to seals.
256
00:13:57,675 --> 00:13:59,680
Seal? Seals!
257
00:13:59,715 --> 00:14:00,725
Seals?
258
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,445
Greenpeace. You are not!
259
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,800
And she's not gambling
on the stock market.
260
00:14:04,835 --> 00:14:07,085
Anyway, it's all held in trust
until she's 18.
261
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,160
Those things are about as watertight
as the Titanic.
262
00:14:10,195 --> 00:14:12,037
Ouch! Savage boat ref. Ooh!
263
00:14:12,072 --> 00:14:13,845
Can I have a quick word?
264
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,640
Stuart, you should be interested in
this. It's your daughter's future.
265
00:14:16,675 --> 00:14:17,765
I am interested.
266
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,805
Humpy made his first mill
in the markets.
267
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,600
See? Clever man.
Yeah. He's a really great guy.
268
00:14:22,635 --> 00:14:24,525
Sorry, who are you?
269
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,560
I told you.
This is Botty, my pal from uni.
270
00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:29,457
Kate, I really need a word.
271
00:14:29,492 --> 00:14:31,285
God, that Botty's a prick.
272
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,600
I've got a problem. It's Dad.
Why, what's he done now?
273
00:14:34,635 --> 00:14:36,125
It's not his finest moment,
274
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,560
and it could mean a prison spell
for him. And me!
275
00:14:38,595 --> 00:14:40,725
I really need your help.
276
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,365
Before you say another word, I need
you to think very carefully
277
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,520
about what you're trying to get me
into. I'm a Member of Parliament.
278
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,080
He hid half a pound of cocaine
in the boot of my car,
279
00:14:50,115 --> 00:14:51,325
and now there are a load of police
280
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,080
with sniffer dogs
searching the car deck.
281
00:14:53,115 --> 00:14:55,120
You fucking idiot!
282
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,165
Fuck, fuck!
Stuart, what is wrong with you?
283
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,960
Why is everybody blaming me?
You've done some stupid shit
284
00:15:03,995 --> 00:15:06,720
in your time, but this is...
I'm scattering my dad's ashes.
285
00:15:06,755 --> 00:15:09,400
I know. I'm sorry!
So your car is full of drugs?
286
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,845
Imagine how this is going
to make me look,
287
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,805
when you are arrested
with that gormless expression
288
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,800
and half a pound of... Who says
pound?!..cocaine in your car.
289
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:21,125
Trousers. Piss off!
290
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,200
I've got a plan. I don't care.
291
00:15:23,235 --> 00:15:24,720
Leave me out of it.
292
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,160
I don't want her visiting her dad
and her grandad in prison.
293
00:15:32,195 --> 00:15:34,257
And what exactly do you expect me
to do, hmm?
294
00:15:34,292 --> 00:15:36,320
Stick it up my arse
and waddle through Customs?
295
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,560
I need you to put the drugs in
with your dad's ashes
296
00:15:41,595 --> 00:15:43,480
and throw them overboard.
297
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,720
You're serious, aren't you?
298
00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:46,960
Please, I'm begging you.
299
00:15:46,995 --> 00:15:48,525
No fucking way!
300
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,045
Flush it down the toilet.
301
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,200
I can't. Charlie said
they monitor the system.
302
00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:54,497
Charlie? Yes,
he saw it on Ross Kemp.
303
00:15:54,532 --> 00:15:56,760
Charlie's here?
He's in the boot as well.
304
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,685
They're not his friends.
That's why he's in the boot.
305
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,160
So now you're smuggling drugs and
people? Oh, well done, Stuart.
306
00:16:05,195 --> 00:16:06,960
Please, Kate,
I don't want to go to prison.
307
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,920
with half a pound of Chang,
or let you get murdered in prison?
308
00:16:12,955 --> 00:16:14,720
Tough one, Stuart!
309
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,685
SHE SOBS
310
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,525
It's all right, Mum.
311
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,560
Your father hated crying.
312
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:29,680
I know...
313
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,640
I can hear him now.
314
00:16:33,675 --> 00:16:36,200
"Stop blubbing, Pat."
315
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,160
Yeah...
316
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,960
Yeah. He did.
317
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,365
Very popular in the early '90s...
318
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:55,720
..with people travelling on
to Bruges.
319
00:16:55,685 --> 00:16:55,755
Hmm...
320
00:17:02,995 --> 00:17:04,560
Mum...
321
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:12,080
..I'm going to have one last
quiet moment with Dad.
322
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,360
Of course, darling.
323
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:58,480
Oh, Jesus Christ, Stuart,
I don't think I can do this.
324
00:17:58,515 --> 00:18:00,400
You're going to have to.
They're your drugs.
325
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,400
I'm really, really sorry, Kate...
326
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,680
..but I can't hold it any longer.
327
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,420
Can you turn around?
328
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:13,675
Oh, good God!
329
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,060
I'm so, so sorry.
330
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,520
Forgive me, Dad.
331
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,520
Don't forget to give it
a little shake.
332
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:00,960
Christ!
333
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,720
You look like Tom Cruise
in Cocktail!
334
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:08,977
Shut up.
335
00:19:09,012 --> 00:19:10,165
Sorry!
336
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,805
Finished?
337
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,660
Hang on...
338
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,320
Is that it?
339
00:19:43,355 --> 00:19:44,757
I hope so...
340
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:46,125
Wait a minute!
341
00:19:57,235 --> 00:19:58,400
That's it.
342
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,960
This might be the lowest point
of my life.
343
00:20:05,995 --> 00:20:07,720
About average for me.
344
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:17,635
Hands!
345
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,165
Kate... No!
346
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,520
I'm really, really apprec... Yeah.
347
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,040
My ex-wife.
348
00:20:34,075 --> 00:20:35,720
Hello.
349
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,720
Where have you been?
350
00:20:54,755 --> 00:20:56,205
Stuart's not well.
351
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,685
Well, Ron's dead, so...
352
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,760
That is the funniest thing
I've ever heard.
353
00:21:00,795 --> 00:21:03,800
Oh, Stuart, I've invited Mike
to stay at ours
354
00:21:03,835 --> 00:21:05,125
when he's next in the country.
355
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,900
Really?
Love to. Cheeky little takeout,
356
00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:10,640
bottle of shampoo,
slap on some funk!
357
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,200
Before we go out onto the deck,
358
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:20,320
I just wanted to say a few words.
359
00:21:20,355 --> 00:21:22,325
Ron was a man of the sea.
360
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:25,480
He worked on it and under it and...
361
00:21:25,515 --> 00:21:28,600
..later...would live beside it.
362
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,760
So perhaps it's fitting
he's returned to the place
363
00:21:33,795 --> 00:21:35,560
that he loved the most.
364
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:41,280
A highly decorated naval officer
serving in the Falklands
365
00:21:41,315 --> 00:21:44,237
and later in the Merchant Navy.
366
00:21:44,272 --> 00:21:47,160
He was a brave and honourable man.
367
00:21:47,195 --> 00:21:49,485
Passenger announcement.
368
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,040
Will the owner
of a green Skoda Octavia,
369
00:21:52,075 --> 00:21:54,645
registration number DJ 5TU
370
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,800
please return to your vehicle
immediately?
371
00:21:57,532 --> 00:21:58,125
Thank you!
372
00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,520
Isn't that your car?
373
00:21:59,555 --> 00:22:00,897
Fuck!
374
00:22:00,932 --> 00:22:02,146
Bellend.
375
00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:19,165
Oh. God, no.
376
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,045
Oh, fucking hell!
377
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,205
There's no need to search it!
378
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,600
Excuse me, sir?
There's no need to search it!
379
00:22:26,635 --> 00:22:28,720
Can you tell me your name, please,
sir?
380
00:22:28,755 --> 00:22:30,245
Stuart Hooper.
381
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,600
Mr Hooper, I've been observing your
behaviour over the past half an hour
382
00:22:33,635 --> 00:22:35,880
and you've been acting
very suspiciously.
383
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,280
I've had diarrhoea.
384
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:40,120
In your car?
385
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,440
No. Is there anything else
386
00:22:43,475 --> 00:22:45,240
you'd like to share with us?
387
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,525
No.
388
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,060
Given that you can't explain
your unusual behaviour,
389
00:22:51,095 --> 00:22:53,560
you leave us no alternative
but to search your vehicle.
390
00:22:53,595 --> 00:22:54,880
No!
391
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,960
I have smuggled something on board.
392
00:23:00,995 --> 00:23:02,085
OK?
393
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,920
Have you now?
394
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,720
What's this, then?
395
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:22,840
I know it's against maritime law
to smuggle this sort of thing,
396
00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:24,080
but...
397
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,120
..I was going to give them
to my girlfriend for her birthday.
398
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,800
Good Jesus Christ!
399
00:23:35,835 --> 00:23:37,320
Is that you?
400
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,685
Yeah.
401
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,245
Oh, my God!
402
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,240
What's happening, Stu?
What are they?
403
00:23:43,275 --> 00:23:44,840
Yeah. What is that?
404
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,240
I think that's, um...
405
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,200
And this...?
406
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,840
Looks like my penis.
407
00:23:59,875 --> 00:24:01,440
And that?
408
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,780
I don't know what that is.
409
00:24:11,815 --> 00:24:13,760
Perineum...would be my guess.
410
00:24:13,795 --> 00:24:15,325
Oh, Daddy Bear.
411
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,960
Is there anything else
we're likely to find?
412
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,605
Sir?
413
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,005
Actually, there...
414
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:29,560
..are a couple more
in my top pocket there.
415
00:24:29,595 --> 00:24:30,760
Hmm.
416
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,200
Are you going to arrest me?
417
00:24:41,165 --> 00:24:41,235
No!
418
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,040
We're looking
for people traffickers.
419
00:24:46,075 --> 00:24:48,920
Disgusting pervert.
420
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,365
Yeah.
421
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,565
How many more years
422
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:59,400
Have I got to let you dog me
around?
423
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,285
How many more years
424
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,880
Have I got to let you dog me
around?
425
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,805
Get 'em all
426
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,285
If anybody asks about me
427
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,480
Just tell 'em I walked out on.
428
00:25:18,530 --> 00:25:23,080
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