Original subtitles

No-one's after you, Charlie. That's because

I go to great lengths to conceal my whereabouts.

Dad's turned on location services. Shit!

That means that they know where I am. And that means I'll be

bundled off into a van and dragged into a shallow grave.

Oi! Nigel Mansell! This is a residential area!

Agh! Help! Help! Go, go, go!

As soon as they realise he isn't me, they'll let them go.

See you. I'll let you know when I'm settled.

You can send me some cash!

You truly are a lingering disappointment.

Yes, thank you, Mother.

Where's your dad? He's in the car.

You know how he feels about conflict.

Didn't stop him sinking the Belgrano.

All right, Ron?

He's dead. Who is?

Ron. Fuck off!

£50,000 is a lot of money, Madonna.

It's important you do something sensible with it.

I'd go to the Peruvian Amazonia, do ayahuasca,

get the shaman to cover me in tattoos.

I'm definitely getting a tattoo.

You definitely are not.

Do with it as you wish, my darling.

Mum! She'll never snag a man

looking like a biker.

It worked for me.

They do say money doesn't buy you happiness,

but I know a fellow who won the pools.

Left his wife and bought a yacht.

Never seen him so merry!

..actually, no. No. Ignore me.

Just bumped into an old pal from uni.

Ted! It's just bants, babes.

Look... Mum just sent me a photo of Bertha in jodhpurs.

Quick, let's send her one back.

Hashtag April and Stu on a ferry.

We look so happy.

Yeah, we do.

We are. Hm.

Have you got any Imodium?

Ferry belly? It's a bit choppy.

It's in the car.

I won't be long.

Hurry up, Stuart. We're about to scatter.

So is he.

Can you return to the passenger deck, sir?

What's happened? Has someone smuggled a bomb on board?

Is that supposed to be funny?

No.

You think bombs are funny, do you?

No, I hate bombs. Bombs are shit.

Stop saying the B word.

Sorry. Passengers are not permitted

to access the car deck whilst the vessel is at sea.

Please, I just need to get to my car. I've got IBS.

So?

I just... I just need to get my tablets.

I'm starting to get really hot farts. That's usually a sign.

All right, all right, just hurry up. Thank you.

I'm really sorry. Sorry.

So sorry.

Ooh.

Oof!

Oh, shit!

All right, Stu?

What the fuck are you doing here?!

Well, I was having a kip.

In the boot?

April facebooked something about scattering Ron in the Channel,

so I thought I'd take this opportunity to smuggle meself into France.

You know we're not getting out at the other end?

Oh, you're joking?

Where have you been for the last two weeks? York.

Newcastle. Berwick. Edinburgh.

Berwick. Newcastle. York.

King's Cross. York.

Have you been sleeping on a train?

Yeah. And boozing. And hiding in the bogs.

Jesus, Charlie. There's police everywhere.

I'm going to get done for people trafficking.

I'm not going down because of you.

Oh, stop panicking. Nobody's going to search this piece of crap.

I'm off to get some brekkie. No! Don't get out. They'll see you.

I'm Hank Marvin. All I've eaten in the past 48 hours is your Imodium.

But why? I need them. Now.

Well, excuse me for not wanting to poo in your boot!

Oh...

Hey, Stu. Do us a favour, would you?

Get us a panini and a caramel latte.

Piss off!

Sorry for dropping the B bomb. Word! B word.

Bugger off. Yeah.

Dad. Stuart!

Come here.

Stuart! Come here!

What's so funny?

Private joke.

Love the tash.

Ignore him. Bloody reprobate.

This? Nothing. Roundhoused one of them. Groin-jabbed the other.

And then dived out of a speeding van.

Useful. Yeah.

What?

You were crying when the police dropped you off.

Bollocks. It's good to meet you, Stuart.

Todger's told me all about you. Who's Todger?

Oh, my God. You haven't heard the stories?

He doesn't want to know. Let me tell you! This guy!

There wasn't an hour went by at uni

when he didn't find an opportunity to flop his wang out.

All right, pack it in, Botty!

That mean you were always getting your bum out?

Sorry, what? Eh?

You know - Todger, Botty.

No. The name's Mike Bottford.

Todge, what's this guy's deal?

To be honest, mate, you did get your arse out a lot.

And you know it, Todge!

Yes, I knows it!

Did you find the Imodium?

Oh, brilliant! Got the shits?

No.

April, this is Mike Bottford.

Oh. Hi, Mike.

"Oh, to be in England Now that April's here."

What's that supposed to mean?

Hang on, have we met before?

Were you in Serre Chevalier a couple of years ago?

Oh, my G! You're Humphrey's April!

Yeah. No, she's not.

You tried to get me skinny-boarding. What's that?

Naked snowboarding. How is the old devil?

Oh, Humpy... We broke up.

Yeah. She's with me now.

We're really happy. Yeah.

Did Blake tell you about what happened in Thailand?

Tell me about it? I'm the one who bailed him out.

Total carnage. Oh!

I'm just going to... Darius ended up in Battambang.

Oh, my God. Broke his tibia.

He didn't! Yeah, totally fucked.

Dad, can I have a word?

Did you know about Charlie? What about him?

He's hiding in the boot of my car. Oh, great.

No, not great. He's on board illegally.

And there are police swarming all over the car deck.

Oh, dear.

What am I going to do?

They've got sniffer dogs and everything.

Shit. What?

Shitty shit, shit, shit, shit.

Your brother is the least of your worries.

What are you talking about?

There's more than one Charlie in the boot.

Oh, what have you done?

Totally forgot about it.

Oh, God! Oh, Christ!

You told me not to keep drugs in the house.

Oh, yeah, this is much better!

You've got to go and get it. Why me? It's your coke. It's your car.

Oh, no.

Don't just stand there. We've got to flush it.

Go and get it. I'll meet you in the disabled bog.

Upsetting day, eh?

Funny story for you. Ron and I were rambling in the Cotswolds...

Where's my panini?

Sod your panini. You're sitting on half a pound of cocaine.

Oh, yeah, I know.

Probably a bit less now.

What's the matter with you?

I'm bored.

Don't tell Dad. I presume it is Dad's?

Yes, it's Dad's. And there are police everywhere.

I've got to get rid of it.

I think that's probably a good idea.

So, what's the plan? I'm going to flush it down the toilet.

No, no, no, no. That's a terrible idea.

They monitor the waste systems on these things.

How do you know? Saw it on Ross Kemp.

Oh, fuck. Look, I'll just lob it into the sea.

No, no, you can't do that either.

They've got CCTV on every deck in case somebody falls overboard.

Oh, shit! What am I going to do? No idea.

But you are currently an international drugs and people smuggler.

That's 25 years, minimum.

Oh, God. And there's one other thing.

What?

Er! I've already told you!

Sorry.

I had to...pop back to my car...

..to get...

..some pants.

Let's see 'em, then.

What?

You said you went to the car to get some pants.

Where are they?

I'm wearing 'em.

All right, on your way.

Don't...let me see you down here again.

Sorry. Really sorry.

Ooh...

Oh...

Enter. Don't you want to know who it is?

Sorry. Old habits. Get in.

Got it?

Get it down here sharpish. I can't.

Shit. Bung it in the sea, then.

There's cameras everywhere. Christ! Think of something.

I'm not the one who smuggled it on board.

It's down your trousers.

Oh...

Oh, God.

Hang on a minute. Ron...

Oh, no. It's perfect.

It's how I'd like to go.

Oh, this isn't happening! Have you got a better idea?

What am I supposed to say to Kate?

"Please may I cut my coke with your dead dad?"

Oh, Christ!

It's that or die in the slammer.

He's my dad.

He was helping me with my...

Hi!

Stuart! I need a word. Now's not a good time.

No. I need to discuss a matter of some urgency

before the police become involved.

What?

Some time ago, I took a number of Polaroid photographs of myself

that might be described as of an obscene nature.

And? It was all perfectly innocent.

then I slipped them to her in the back of a rickshaw.

Well, she hit the bloody roof.

Wholly rejected them and said I was a "tragic son of a bitch".

So, they have remained in my smart jacket ever since.

Can you get to the point, please, Barry? The aforementioned jacket

is currently residing in your car.

There is a heavy police presence on this ferry.

And I happen to know that smuggling indecent material

is against maritime law.

So, there's pictures of your penis in my car?

Yes.

And, I'm afraid, anus.

Oh... They're quite, quite graphic.

Look, it's fine, Barry. It's drugs the police are after.

They're ever so sordid.

You've got to do a bit of an even spread.

Play it safe with the percentage.

Put it in your mutuals.

But the real money is in upping the risk

and having a bit of fun in your shares and derivatives.

Botty's like Rain Man when it comes to figures.

Yeah, but without the mental stuff.

I'm giving it all to seals.

Seal? Seals!

Seals?

Greenpeace. You are not!

And she's not gambling on the stock market.

Anyway, it's all held in trust until she's 18.

Those things are about as watertight as the Titanic.

Ouch! Savage boat ref. Ooh!

Can I have a quick word?

Stuart, you should be interested in this. It's your daughter's future.

I am interested.

Humpy made his first mill in the markets.

See? Clever man. Yeah. He's a really great guy.

Sorry, who are you?

I told you. This is Botty, my pal from uni.

Kate, I really need a word.

God, that Botty's a prick.

I've got a problem. It's Dad. Why, what's he done now?

It's not his finest moment,

and it could mean a prison spell for him. And me!

I really need your help.

Before you say another word, I need you to think very carefully

about what you're trying to get me into. I'm a Member of Parliament.

He hid half a pound of cocaine in the boot of my car,

and now there are a load of police

with sniffer dogs searching the car deck.

You fucking idiot!

Fuck, fuck! Stuart, what is wrong with you?

Why is everybody blaming me? You've done some stupid shit

in your time, but this is... I'm scattering my dad's ashes.

I know. I'm sorry! So your car is full of drugs?

Imagine how this is going to make me look,

when you are arrested with that gormless expression

and half a pound of... Who says pound?!..cocaine in your car.

Trousers. Piss off!

I've got a plan. I don't care.

Leave me out of it.

I don't want her visiting her dad and her grandad in prison.

And what exactly do you expect me to do, hmm?

Stick it up my arse and waddle through Customs?

I need you to put the drugs in with your dad's ashes

and throw them overboard.

You're serious, aren't you?

Please, I'm begging you.

No fucking way!

Flush it down the toilet.

I can't. Charlie said they monitor the system.

Charlie? Yes, he saw it on Ross Kemp.

Charlie's here? He's in the boot as well.

They're not his friends. That's why he's in the boot.

So now you're smuggling drugs and people? Oh, well done, Stuart.

Please, Kate, I don't want to go to prison.

with half a pound of Chang, or let you get murdered in prison?

Tough one, Stuart!

SHE SOBS

It's all right, Mum.

Your father hated crying.

I know...

I can hear him now.

"Stop blubbing, Pat."

Yeah...

Yeah. He did.

Very popular in the early '90s...

..with people travelling on to Bruges.

Hmm...

Mum...

..I'm going to have one last quiet moment with Dad.

Of course, darling.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Stuart, I don't think I can do this.

You're going to have to. They're your drugs.

I'm really, really sorry, Kate...

..but I can't hold it any longer.

Can you turn around?

Oh, good God!

I'm so, so sorry.

Forgive me, Dad.

Don't forget to give it a little shake.

Christ!

You look like Tom Cruise in Cocktail!

Shut up.

Sorry!

Finished?

Hang on...

Is that it?

I hope so...

Wait a minute!

That's it.

This might be the lowest point of my life.

About average for me.

Hands!

Kate... No!

I'm really, really apprec... Yeah.

My ex-wife.

Hello.

Where have you been?

Stuart's not well.

Well, Ron's dead, so...

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, Stuart, I've invited Mike to stay at ours

when he's next in the country.

Really? Love to. Cheeky little takeout,

bottle of shampoo, slap on some funk!

Before we go out onto the deck,

I just wanted to say a few words.

Ron was a man of the sea.

He worked on it and under it and...

..later...would live beside it.

So perhaps it's fitting he's returned to the place

that he loved the most.

A highly decorated naval officer serving in the Falklands

and later in the Merchant Navy.

He was a brave and honourable man.

Passenger announcement.

Will the owner of a green Skoda Octavia,

registration number DJ 5TU

please return to your vehicle immediately?

Thank you!

Isn't that your car?

Fuck!

Bellend.

Oh. God, no.

Oh, fucking hell!

There's no need to search it!

Excuse me, sir? There's no need to search it!

Can you tell me your name, please, sir?

Stuart Hooper.

Mr Hooper, I've been observing your behaviour over the past half an hour

and you've been acting very suspiciously.

I've had diarrhoea.

In your car?

No. Is there anything else

you'd like to share with us?

No.

Given that you can't explain your unusual behaviour,

you leave us no alternative but to search your vehicle.

No!

I have smuggled something on board.

OK?

Have you now?

What's this, then?

I know it's against maritime law to smuggle this sort of thing,

but...

..I was going to give them to my girlfriend for her birthday.

Good Jesus Christ!

Is that you?

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

What's happening, Stu? What are they?

Yeah. What is that?

I think that's, um...

And this...?

Looks like my penis.

And that?

I don't know what that is.

Perineum...would be my guess.

Oh, Daddy Bear.

Is there anything else we're likely to find?

Sir?

Actually, there...

..are a couple more in my top pocket there.

Hmm.

Are you going to arrest me?

No!

We're looking for people traffickers.

Disgusting pervert.

Yeah.

How many more years

Have I got to let you dog me around?

How many more years

Have I got to let you dog me around?

Get 'em all

If anybody asks about me

Just tell 'em I walked out on.

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