Original subtitles

Stuart! I want to share every beautiful moment together. I think we need to get you to the hospital.

Dad! Stuart. This is Igor. Yep.

Can you ask Kate if she'll come over?

That's probably a bad idea. Please!

April's gone into labour.

It's a bit bloke heavy. She wondered if you could pop over.

I'm not the one with the yellow Lamborghini.

No, you're the one dyeing your beard and dating someone 20 years younger.

You're a strong, powerful, independent woman, just like me.

Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy.

Uncle Charlie's here.

Surprise!

I think the police might be after me.

You're going to end up back in prison.

If I'm going down, you're going down with me.

What's that supposed to mean? You're a wedding DJ.

How do you think you got the mortgage on this place?

I didn't. You did. Did I?

What the fuck are you doing?!

Cut my thumb off.

On my fucking hand, you moron!

Shit. Charlie.

Take me to hospital! This is no longer beautiful!

With you in a minute.

I'd have been straight on the phone to you guys.

He's there. What?

Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog.

I'm having a baby.

This is the best day of my life!

Yep.

Come on!

Stop it!

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit!

Oh, you stupid bastard.

Not you, sweetheart.

Oh, look...

..bad noise all gone away, hasn't it?

All gone away now.

No, no, no, no.

Shush, little Bertha, don't say a word

Daddy's...

Bollocks!

Oh, come on! No, no, no, no. No more tears.

Daddy Bear's got to make everything right with Mummy Bear, otherwise

Mummy Bear's going to leave the cave and take Baby Bear with her.

You found the batteries for the alarm, then.

I've told you, bong in the shed. Shh...

Where's the cucumber?!

I need to fix my puffy eyes.

April's going to be here in a minute. You promised me you'd be gone.

This...

..takes time.

She's sick of seeing you naked.

Why do you think she walked out?

Needed to go back to school?

She's 28.

All right. Since you asked,

you're always wanging on about your dicky bowels,

you're a shite chef,

and you ruined your anniversary.

Whose side are you on?

Oh, stop your flapping.

Whenever your mother was pissed off, I'd buy her a Yorkie bar

and have a go at sex.

Unbelievable.

Oh, God, she's here! Hurry up!

I can't leave without doing my spray tan.

OK.

Hey...

..welcome home, Mummy Bear.

Hi.

You look great. Thanks.

You look very pale.

Doesn't she look pretty?

Say, "I missed you, Mummy Bear."

Hello, sweetheart.

Did you have a nice time with Daddy?

No, a bit teary, Mummy.

A bit shouty.

Me and Daddy Bear missed you so much.

Did you manage to...

Sorry. Did you manage to relax?

It wasn't a holiday, Stu.

No.

How was the spa?

Amazing. The shiatsus were insane.

Great. Did Baby Bear sleep?

Not at night.

Oh, you poor thing.

Can Uncle Bear go now?

Get the bags.

You're wearing the dream catcher. I thought you hated it.

No, I love it.

I haven't taken it off since you left.

I'll go and put her down.

Thanks for picking up April.

So how did she seem? Did she talk about me?

I dunno, I had the footy on.

Can I have me cash now?

Women, eh? Expensive tastes.

That's why I stay single.

Yeah. That's why.

Are you still all right to look after Bertha for a couple of hours? Eh?

You said you could babysit.

Are you sure that was me? Charlie! I've got plans.

What plans?

40 quid. A fiver.

Deal.

That makes you look like a wanker.

Wait! Wait, wait!

Close your eyes.

Stu, you haven't done anything special, have you?

Close your eyes.

Ta-da!

Oh, you've gone to so much trouble.

Yep.

God, is that your IBS?

No, it's lunch.

Take a seat.

I'll pour you a drink.

Thanks. Pleasure.

Do you like it?

It's lush. Bloke in the shop said it goes great with fish.

Oh, we're having fish?

No. Beef.

April. Lovely to have you back.

Dad, what do you want?

Ross Kemp On Gangs.

How do you series link? We're in the middle of something.

It was more than just a tiff, Willie.

How was your holiday?

It wasn't a holiday.

It was a time for reflection and rejuvenation.

Aye. A holiday.

Right, it's done now. Can you go?

As you wish.

This anus won't bleach itself.

Oh, Christ!

I have told him.

Look, you know that I think that Willie is bonkers-tastic,

but it's just we do have Bertha to consider. I know.

And he's always got so many randoms up there.

I mean, there was an Amazon delivery man in his room for two days,

and the noises! Mmm.

But, look, this isn't about Willie.

I'm not used to camping. Glamping.

Go and see my spiritualist.

You can't cure panic attacks with crystals.

We've been through this.

The one who bought me chips and stole a pedalo.

I only said I stole it to look sexy.

Exactly. You were impulsive.

And it feels like you've...

..given up on life.

We've got a baby. I've been awake for three days.

I know plenty of people with babies, and they still manage to have fun.

Really, it's what nannies are for.

Please, not nannies now. We can't afford it.

It's not about the money.

It's about finding out who we really are.

Diving into the unknown. Seizing the day.

I do seize the day.

I grew this cos you said it'd make me look hip.

And it does.

You look so natty.

But...

I... No. You don't need to. Charlie's looking after her.

Is he charging you again?

No.

He doesn't even pay rent!

No wonder we can't afford a nanny. I know, but I owe him.

He sorted out the mortgage for me.

Doesn't mean it's his house.

I'm just going to give her some fresh air.

I would have asked Kate to look after her, but... I do like Kate,

but she's your ex-wife.

And she's great and everything, you know,

so much energy for someone of her age, but...

..it's just that I'm yin

and she is incredibly yang,

and I just don't think it's a good idea for Bertha

to be around so much yang.

Do you?

You hungry?

Starving. Charlie ate my breakfast.

Lunch?

Oh, God...

You piss off.

Oh...

Hummus and baby sausages.

I thought we were having beef.

Beef's a bit...

..black.

So this is lunch?

Yeah.

Out like a light.

I like that.

You not having any?

It just looks a bit...

..yucky.

Right.

I know.

Why don't we have chips?

Chips? Yeah, fuck it!

Leave it with me.

Back in a minute.

Nothing.

Dad, shed!

I'm not an animal!

I'm busy, Stu. I need you to go to the chippy.

I'm baby-sitting. Well, I'll listen out for her.

What's in it for the C-man?

Don't call yourself that.

20 quid. It won't cost that much.

That's just my fee.

Plus 20 quid for the chips.

Come on, Stu!

All right, fine.

Two cod and chips.

Ooh... That hotel breakfast never really touched the sides.

The PIN number's... Yeah, I know what it is.

Chips are on the way.

..this...

..is going to fix things.

Maybe we need some proper time apart.

No.

I really want this to work.

I know things haven't been great, and I'm sorry...

You ruined my weekend, woman!

Oh, grow up! I just want you to be happy.

I was looking forward to a cocktail and an alfresco soak.

Have a bath!

I want us to be a team.

I need you.

It's not the same.

I want to feel the breeze!

I don't want to lose another family.

Then why don't you blow yourself?

It's always about sex with you!

You've got sex on the brain!

I promise I will try and find more time for us to meditate together.

Kiss my ass!

I wasn't drunk, I was having a diabetic episode.

Because you were drunk.

I've got a gippy pancreas.

And you're drunk now!

So what?

Can you keep it down, please?

Talk to him!

What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on,

I was planning an afternoon of bubbles and Campari in the hot tub,

and she threw a great big spanner in the works.

It's my hot tub too!

I'm bloody leasing it!

I shouldn't have to share it with Ted's lobsters.

You'd think a fish salesman would have somewhere to keep his fish!

Why is Ted keeping lobsters in your...?

Look, forget it.

Please keep the noise down.

I'm trying to save my relationship, here.

Let me give you some advice, Stu.

Suck my dick!

Snazzy dream catcher. Thanks.

If you have to do any more shouting, could you do it inside?

Roger that.

Ted's put a load of lobsters... I don't care.

Look, what can I do to make things better?

I don't know.

You stopped being fun.

Spontaneous.

You were always doing silly stuff.

Like that thing that you used to do.

What thing? That thing.

What are you doing?

Stuart, a wee word.

Can it wait? No, it cannot.

What do you want? Where's my hummus?

Was that my hummus? Yes. I've eaten it.

Dad, I am trying to save my relationship.

I don't give a shit about hummus. Just buy some more.

I can't buy some more.

That was my special hummus.

What are you talking about? What do you think?

Oh, God, no.

Oh, yes.

Enough magic mushrooms in there to kill a hippo.

But I've just eaten it all.

The lot? Yeah.

Oh, that's funny!

Why the fuck did you put drugs in the hummus?

How else would you suggest I spice up a salsa class?

Oh... Oh, God...

What's going to happen to me?

You'll be fine.

Will I? Aye.

You'll feel the insides of your mind folding in on themselves

until you have the existential realisation that your very soul

doesn't even exist.

I'd advise nappies.

Oh, God!

What about me and April?

Better work fast.

How could you be so irresponsible?!

You owe me 100 quid.

And that thing makes you look like a tosspot.

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

Shit!

Stu, are you all right?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Do you want...

What's the matter?

I don't feel very well.

Oh, God. IBS?

Yep.

Can you give us a minute?

Oh, pull yourself together, Stu.

How bad can it be?

What Do You Want by Adam Faith

You can hear that too, right?

I just don't think you're taking this seriously.

Please don't leave me. Look, Stu,...

I'll change. I promise.

Turn that shit off!

Oh, God, they're going to wake up Bertha. No.

I'll check on her. It's your day. You...

..relax. I said, turn that shit off!

This shit got me through my second divorce.

Well, right now you're heading for a third.

What the fuck?

Oh, God!

Dad. Dad!

I'm busy. Is Bertha in there?

No! Oh, Christ!

Where the...?

Oh, God, no...

Oh, God... It's always about what Sandy wants.

What about me?

Oh, don't be such a big fucking baby!

I've had enough of this. I'm ending it right now.

You don't joke about that kind of thing.

Oh, I'm deadly serious!

Barry? Open this door.

You're scaring me.

Oh... No, no, no, no, no, no...

No, no, no!

You're here. Charlie said you had gone out.

No. Why have you got Bertha? He said he was at his wits' end.

For fuck's sake! He's only had her for ten minutes.

Stuart, what are you doing? Quick, give her here!

You're welcome.

She's fine.

I just brought her down...to show you.

Show me what?

She's awake.

Great. Well done.

Why does Daddy Bear think it helps, getting you out of bed?

Silly, stupid Daddy Bear.

Barry? Oh, God, Kate, do something!

He won't answer me!

Stuart! Oh, Christ, now what?

Oh, hi, Kate.

You need to get out here right now.

I think Barry's going to do something stupid.

Stuart! Back in a minute!

Barry!

Please!

He just told me he's going to end it.

Go and talk to him.

What about April?

We're on a day date.

A what?

Stuart, he's your friend.

Please, Stu.

I know he's an asshole, but he's MY asshole.

Oh...

Barry, are you in there? Of course he's bloody in there.

Barry, maybe don't do anything silly, eh?

What's going on?

Plum.

Got some fireworks in the loft. Stick a rocket through the window -

that'll smoke him out. Ted, it's not funny. Get him out.

Out the way, woman.

I've got this.

Fine. Knock yourself out.

Barry!

I'm sorry about the lobsters.

Is that a necklace?

It's for his night terrors.

Absolute bellend. Get out the way. I'll break the window.

Good idea.

You bloody well will not.

Oh, Barry! Thank God!

No. Stay back.

Just you, Stuart. Get in.

Oh...

Don't end it, Barry. Not like this.

It's already done.

What do you mean?

I've cancelled the finance agreement on the hot tub.

That'll show her.

Oh, thank Christ!

I'll let her sweat for a bit longer.

You and me, eh, Stu?

We'll show 'em who's in charge.

Everything's gone wrong, Barry.

Oh, this is nothing.

She lobbed a tagine at me when we were in Marrakech.

Lamb everywhere.

I mean April.

It's a roller-coaster, dude. Got to ride it.

In the beginning it's all day trips to the beach

and hand jobs under the pier, but before you know it,

they're shouting about your toenails and winking at the dentist.

But everything I do goes wrong.

What have you done now?

She thinks I'm no fun.

I made shitty beef.

Charlie's bleeding me dry.

My IBS is out of control.

She hates my banner, and now I've eaten a tub of dad's drugs.

Gordon Bennett.

This is going to be Kate all over again.

She'll probably find someone better over the road.

Well, I shouldn't worry about that. There's only Clive at number eight,

and I'm pretty sure he's a paedophile.

Oh!

Are you asleep?

I don't wish to cause undue alarm...

What's wrong?

I don't feel very well.

Why?

Sugar. What?

Need sugar.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck!

Help! There's something wrong!

He's gone all weird!

Keeps saying "sugar".

The handle's broken. I can't get out!

Oh, my God! It's his diabetes.

What do I do?! What do I do?! He needs a Coke.

Oh, I've got some in the van.

Oh, fuck, shit, shit, shit.

Please don't die.

Oi! Take it!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Come on!

Sips! Sips, not gulps - you'll drown him!

Please could you stop shouting at me?

I've taken drugs.

This isn't Glastonbury!

My mouth's gone all dry.

Oh, pull yourself together. What have you taken?

Mushrooms. Oh, you tit.

You're absolutely useless.

Have you been crying?

Oh, God, Ted!

I don't feel very well! Christ!

What's happening?

Barry? Are you OK?

Better than Stuart, by the looks of him.

Can someone please get me out of here?

I can taste hummus! Spit it out.

Where's Stuart?

He's locked himself in the van.

Stu? Oh, no... It stinks.

Stu, darling...

..I'm here.

I'm so sorry, April.

Don't be - I think it's amazing!

What? Willie told me everything.

You took drugs just for me!

Er...

This is the Stuart that I was talking about,

the kind of Stuart that takes shrooms and locks himself in a van.

It's so nutty!

I love it!

Yup.

Let's go to a moonlight party in Lima,

take MDMA on the beach and watch the sun come up.

Yep.

This is exactly the date I want.

Chips in a van with a guy on drugs.

It's so mental!

You are fucking dead, mate!

Oh, Stu,

you're about to go absolutely bonkers.

Have we got any big nappies?

You were amazing last night.

Thanks.

Sorry about the noises.

Healthy body, healthy balls.

I've asked you not to bring strangers into the house.

It makes April feel uncomfortable.

I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

A great big randy mouse.

Hi, Stu.

It's vital you're aware of her whims.

You don't want her squirting up your curtains.

Blue ones under the tongue,

red ones right up inside the anus.

I am the invisible man. I do not exist.

Well, what is it, dickhead?

He's dead. Fuck off.

Hey!

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