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1
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:11,480
(RECORDING OF JUNGLE BIRDSONG)
2
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,400
(WOMAN BREATHES OUT)
3
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,040
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
4
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:18,720
(WOMAN GROANS)
5
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,360
MAN: Come on, where is it?
6
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,000
(WOMAN GROANS)
7
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,800
MAN: Oh, shit. Where is it?
8
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,000
- Stuart!
- Where's the bag?
9
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,400
Hold my hand, hold my hand.
10
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:32,840
I think we need to get a move on.
11
00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,960
I want to share
every beautiful moment together.
12
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,600
- You just told me to set myself on fire.
- It's fine.
13
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,640
The doctor said there might be swings.
14
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,000
After me. Breathe in the love.
15
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,240
Breathe out the baby.
16
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:45,440
Now you.
17
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,440
- Breathe in the...
- Love.
18
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,880
- Breathe out the...
- Baby.
19
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,320
April, where's the hospital bag?
20
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,840
Oh, take all your clothes off.
21
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,760
- What?
- It's the oxytocin.
22
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,440
The doctor said I might get randy.
23
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,920
The doctor also said
you might shit yourself.
24
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,800
I want to have this child
while we make love.
25
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,840
I think we need to get you
to the hospital.
26
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:02,960
Dad!
27
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,240
(APRIL CHANTS)
28
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,640
- Dad!
- I'm entertaining!
29
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,040
- Have you taken a bag out of my room?
- Just a moment.
30
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:14,600
Enter.
31
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,280
Stuart!
32
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,520
This is Igor.
33
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:20,080
Yep.
34
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,480
Kicked off a bit early, then?
35
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,160
When you were born, your mother was
twice as loud. Heard her from the pub.
36
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,960
Can you get out of bed? It's two o'clock.
37
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,200
Didn't get back until nine.
Cannot remember beyond lunchtime.
38
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,360
I know we had cocktails in town.
39
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,000
Dad, I need some help.
40
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,600
Then we did poppers in the bog
at Café Rouge.
41
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,080
- Dad...
- Did we end up in a field?
42
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,400
Have you seen a blue sports bag?
43
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,200
Full of nappies and nighties? Over there.
44
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,320
Where's all the Red Bull?
45
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:48,800
We ran out of cocaine.
46
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,920
APRIL: Stuart!
47
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,200
(GROANS)
48
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,800
I want Mummy!
49
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,040
OK, so phone her.
50
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,000
God, no! She hates me!
51
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,880
It's just such a festival of men
in this house.
52
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,360
Can you ask Kate if she'll come over?
53
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,960
That's probably a bad idea.
54
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,440
It's just all so Mars.
55
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,800
I need some Venus!
56
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,240
Please.
57
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,840
Back in a minute.
58
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,000
- I love you!
- Yeah.
59
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,920
(CRIES REVERBERATE)
60
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,840
(DRILL WHIRS)
61
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,120
Stu!
62
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,600
Hi, Barry.
63
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,400
Fancy hopping on for a Campari?
64
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,480
April's in labour.
65
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:47,360
Oh. Felicitations.
66
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,720
Hm.
67
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,160
Hello, neighbour.
68
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,840
Congrats on the beard. Doesn't look dyed.
69
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,320
Is Kate there?
70
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,360
I'm in the middle of a woodwork sesh.
Building a pagoda for my birthday girl.
71
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,640
- She's not yours.
- What did you get her? Jeans again?
72
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,760
She's mine.
73
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,120
It's what real dads do, Stuart.
74
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,120
They don't buy disappointing presents
75
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,400
and they don't shit themselves
on the ferry to Santander.
76
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,240
Can you shut up and get Kate? Please.
77
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,320
KATE: It was supposed to be here
an hour ago. What's the hold-up?
78
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,600
What is it, Stuart? I'm trying to sort
Madonna's birthday present.
79
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:14,640
April's gone into labour.
80
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,840
Just make sure it's here before three.
81
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,360
Congratulations.
82
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,280
Shouldn't you be...there?
83
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,280
It's a bit bloke heavy.
She wondered if you could pop over.
84
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,440
Well, don't be so ridiculous.
85
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,480
Why would she want your ex-wife
gawping up her chuff?
86
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,520
Play well with the female voters.
87
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:29,040
Do you really think I'm that cynical?
88
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,760
Won't be long.
89
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,240
Holler if you need me.
90
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,760
I'll be at the lathe.
91
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,680
What's she supposed to do with a pagoda?
92
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,080
We saw them in Japan.
They're actually quite beautiful.
93
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,720
You know you can see his knob
through that dressing gown?
94
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,440
- Where's your van?
- Getting it pimped up with a respray.
95
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,920
- Don't try to compete with Ted.
- Wasn't.
96
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,120
How are you getting to hospital?
97
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,200
Uber.
98
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,640
Hi.
99
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:50,920
Why are you here?
100
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
101
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,120
I thought you were getting your hair done.
102
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,320
I did.
103
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,760
Fuck off! I'm trying to win an election.
104
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,160
What? I thought you'd like it.
105
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,960
I'm challenging traditional notions
of feminine beauty.
106
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,920
- You look like Patrick Stewart.
- Who?
107
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,160
- I like it.
- Whatever.
108
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,520
Not that way. Ted's organising a surprise.
109
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,640
Come on. I need your help.
April's in labour.
110
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,160
(APRIL YELLS)
111
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,200
I'll stick the kettle on.
112
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,760
Honestly, I really like it.
113
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,080
Piss off, Dad.
114
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,640
KATE: I'm here now, April.
115
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:21,960
Are you off, then?
116
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,720
Oh, God, it feels like
it's coming out of my bum!
117
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,160
Oh, you're doing so well.
118
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,760
Better than I am.
How on earth did I get home?
119
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,040
Dad, can you not vape?
120
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,440
Balls. It's a harmless smelly mist.
121
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,480
I'm so glad you chose
to join our magical adventure.
122
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,840
It's like having my mum here.
123
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,280
- I'm 40.
- Eight.
124
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,160
- How long's this cab going to be?
- Haven't ordered it yet.
125
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,040
What do you mean, you haven't ordered it?
126
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,960
Oh, don't make this another Alton Towers!
127
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,400
What happened at Alton Towers?
128
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,320
I lost my gay virginity on the teacups.
129
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,720
What? No. I forgot to order a cab.
130
00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,120
I can't find my good place.
I can't find my good place!
131
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,000
Gucci business-wear. That's what
I think about when I'm depressed.
132
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,160
She's not depressed.
133
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,440
Stuart, go and tell Ted
he's taking April to the hospital,
134
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,800
and on your way book the cab.
135
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,600
- We'll follow in that.
- I'm not asking Ted for help.
136
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,160
Just do it!
137
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,720
I think one's coming again!
138
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,040
And breathe.
139
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,600
And the reason I forgot to order that cab
at Alton Towers
140
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,760
- was cos Dad was getting arrested.
- Please hurry up!
141
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,000
- Yep.
- (APRIL GROANS)
142
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,520
MADONNA: Dad! Uncle Charlie's here!
143
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:34,560
Surprise!
144
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,040
Why are you hiding in the bushes?
145
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,960
- Cos it wouldn't be a surprise otherwise.
- What's the surprise?
146
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,880
- Me.
- In the bushes?
147
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,320
- I thought you were on the Isle of Man.
- I was.
148
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,480
- Now I'm here.
- Just in time for my birthday.
149
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,520
And that's why I was hiding in the bushes.
150
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:49,320
So your present for Madonna on
her 17th birthday is you? In the bushes?
151
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,440
Well, I'm pleased to see you,
Uncle Charlie.
152
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,200
Oh! See?
153
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,680
Ross Kemp don't mind.
154
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,080
(AS ROSS KEMP) Stick the kettle on.
155
00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,800
APRIL: Hurry up!
156
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,600
- Something's tearing!
- Now's not a good time, Charlie.
157
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,400
April's in labour.
158
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,120
Who's April?
159
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,240
- Girl or boy?
- Still waiting!
160
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,800
If you're looking for Ted, he's round the
back, mucking about with his funny shed.
161
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:19,920
It's a pagoda.
162
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,080
Ooh. Konnichiwa.
163
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,560
TED: Oh... Help me...
164
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,920
What the fuck are you doing?!
165
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,280
I...cut my thumb off! Look!
166
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,480
Oh, Christ.
167
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:37,320
There was someone in the garden,
a man in the bushes. I got distracted.
168
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,920
Caught kimono in saw, took hand with it.
169
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,560
Where's the thumb?
170
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:42,720
Where did you last see it?
171
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,520
On my fucking hand, you moron!
172
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,480
- Where did it land?
- I don't know!
173
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,360
I was too busy having my thumb cut off!
174
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,640
Call an ambulance!
175
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:50,960
Yeah.
176
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,920
Oh, dear me, Ted! Put some clothes on.
I can see your aubergine.
177
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,120
STUART: Ambulance, please.
178
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,200
He's cut his thumb off.
179
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:57,720
Find it. Find the thumb.
180
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,040
My neighbour's cut his thumb off on a...
181
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:04,080
DeWalt DCS391 XR.
182
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,600
Oh, nice bit of kit.
183
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:06,800
Not the fucking make!
184
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,080
6 Fountain Close, SN5.
185
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,400
- Found it!.Going to need a rinse.
- OK, thanks.
186
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,720
We have to raise the arm
and pack the thumb in ice, apparently.
187
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:14,880
Leave it to me.
188
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,040
I love a drama!
189
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,200
(TED WHIMPERS)
190
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,560
(TED GROANS)
191
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,320
Oh, it's cold. Oh...
192
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,280
(TED BREATHES QUICKLY)
193
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:33,960
BARRY: Snazzy kitchen!
194
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,560
I realise you're not having
the best day,
195
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,520
but I really need to borrow your car.
196
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,320
We need to get April to the hospital.
197
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,920
There's no way your girlfriend's
leaking all over the Lambo!
198
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,040
That interior is hand-rubbed leather.
199
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,800
Can you do me a favour?
Today of all days,
200
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,840
can you just dial back on the dick a bit?
201
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,400
Dick? I'm not the dick.
202
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,720
You're the dick. You're a wedding DJ.
203
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,960
Audiovisual events coordinator.
204
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,320
Yeah, for weddings.
205
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,000
I'm dicing with disability here!
206
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,520
I haven't got time to worry about
the latest addition to your weird family!
207
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,840
- What do you mean, weird?
- Well...
208
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,400
You're out of ice, so I improvised!
With some waffles.
209
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,240
- MADONNA: Dad! Mum wants you!
- We're out here!
210
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,040
What is going on?
211
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,080
It's Yul Brynner!
212
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,480
I literally don't know
who any of these people are.
213
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,560
- Where's your hair?!
- BARRY: Now, don't panic, love.
214
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,360
Your dad's had a bit of an accident,
but it's all under control.
215
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,960
I'm her dad.
216
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:40,960
What is that?
217
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,800
No. No, no, don't look.
You'll spoil the surprise!
218
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,240
I thought I was getting a car!
219
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,040
Come on. I'll have to take April
in the Uber.
220
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,360
Ted, stay with me.
221
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,960
How many fingers am I holding up?
222
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,600
Are you taking the piss?
223
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,400
- Do you think I'm weird?
- Yes.
224
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,920
OK. Good. Honest.
225
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,360
I mean, who is she, anyway?
226
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,120
- Who?
- Your girlfriend.
227
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,600
She's my girlfriend.
228
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,480
Mum says you're having a midlife crisis.
229
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,080
I'm not the one with a yellow Lamborghini.
230
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,280
No, you're the one dyeing your beard
and dating someone 20 years younger.
231
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:12,920
She's old enough to be your...
232
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,520
...significantly older sister.
233
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,880
APRIL: Where have you been?!
234
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,000
I wanted this to be perfect!
235
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,840
But at this rate, our child's going
to be delivered by your ex-wife!
236
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,120
On these stairs!
237
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,640
- Thanks!
- It's not my fault.
238
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,000
- Have you got the car?
- Ted won't let me use it.
239
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,760
Oh, for Christ's sake!
What have you said to him this time?
240
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,200
To begin with, "Why are you lying naked
on the patio, covered in blood?"
241
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,960
What are you talking about?
242
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,040
- He's cut his thumb off.
- What?!
243
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,440
No, please don't leave me!
244
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,840
Not off.
245
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,200
He's just cut it.
246
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,560
Not off?
247
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,240
Stuart, has he cut his thumb off?
248
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,000
No.
249
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,080
(APRIL YELLS)
250
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,880
We could all squeeze in the Uber.
251
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,040
It'll be here in a few minutes.
252
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,280
Right, time for a quick poo.
253
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,160
Here we go.
254
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,320
(LAUGHTER)
255
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,040
Charlie's here!
256
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,280
Is that weed?
257
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,840
- No!
- Yes!
258
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,960
(LAUGHTER)
259
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,240
(GAME PLAYS TUNE)
260
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:45,880
(SIGHS)
261
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,480
- (KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR)
- BARRY: I've got a wounded soldier here.
262
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,760
KATE: Oh, Christ. Stuart!
It's off. It's totally off!
263
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,040
Sorry.
264
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,040
- TED: Kate, is that you?
- (APRIL GROANS)
265
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,400
KATE: Oh, Ted...
266
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,280
BARRY: Ambulance can't get here.
There's a herd of cows blocking the road.
267
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,280
I'll stick the thumb in the freezer.
268
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,520
KATE: Madonna, go and find something
for Ted to wear.
269
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,160
BARRY: Everybody, just chill.
It's only a bit of thumb trauma.
270
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,160
They can work wonders
with a needle and thread.
271
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,160
Chin up, fella.
We'll jump in a cab with these dudes.
272
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,920
(APRIL CRIES OUT AND WAILS)
273
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,360
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Jesus....
274
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,280
- Someone in here!
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
275
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,840
- I'm busy!
- CHARLIE: Open up. I need a word.
276
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,240
You all right?
277
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,400
Been shitting in the sink?
278
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,560
It's beard dye. Why are you here, Charlie?
279
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,560
Nothing to worry about.
280
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:46,560
I think...the police might be after me.
281
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,800
But they're on the Isle of Man, I'm over
here, so what are they gonna do?
282
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,120
What have you done?
283
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,520
Have you ever heard of something
called a Ponzi scheme?
284
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,080
- Yeah.
- I've done a Ponzi scheme.
285
00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,760
Fuck. You're gonna end up back in prison.
286
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,840
Well, it weren't my fault
the arse fell out of the Dow Jones.
287
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:02,880
- You're an idiot.
- Am I?
288
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,560
Yeah. And this is the first place
289
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,600
- the police are gonna look for you.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
290
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:07,760
I kept off the roads.
291
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,480
I garden-hopped my way around the close.
292
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,760
Were you just in Ted's garden?
293
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,960
Yes. What's he building?
294
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,480
A pagoda.
295
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,520
You can't stay here, Charlie.
I've got enough on my plate.
296
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,560
Oh, well, if I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
297
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,440
What's that supposed to mean?
298
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,600
You're a wedding DJ.
299
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,800
How do you think you got
the mortgage on this place?
300
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,600
I didn't. You did.
301
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,160
Did I?
302
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,480
Didn't you?
303
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,160
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
304
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,560
DAD: Shitting or chatting?
305
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,840
Isn't this great?!
306
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,840
The Three Musketeers -
crossing swords again!
307
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:43,600
We must tell your mother.
308
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,840
Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me
since I started dabbling in coke.
309
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,480
KATE: Cab's here!
310
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:52,000
- You'd better go.
- KATE: Stuart! Get a move on!
311
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,640
Yeah.
312
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,440
That's it, deep breaths.
313
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,120
You're a strong, powerful,
independent woman, just like me.
314
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,120
Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy.
315
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,880
Oh, thank you, Kate.
316
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,240
When this is done,
I'm going to give you such a makeover.
317
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,640
- Breathe in the pain.
- You breathe into the fucking pain!
318
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,800
Come on, sunshine! Let's get that digit
attached, tout suite.
319
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,120
Do you know, I feel fantastic!
320
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,760
Dad! Why did you order an UberPool?
321
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,080
- A what?
- There's two people already in there.
322
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,560
Look after April.
323
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,480
I love what you've done with your head.
324
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,080
Look, here's the deal.
325
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,960
I've got Ted here, who is a thumb down,
and a young lady about to pop a sprog.
326
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,120
You're going to have to give me
some wiggle room here, dudes.
327
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,880
- What's going on?
- There's only two spaces left.
328
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,880
We're late. All the roads are closed
cos of the bloody cattle incident.
329
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,200
Please get out of the fucking cab.
330
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,800
Hello, gentlemen. As you can see, we've
got a rather pressing situation here.
331
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,360
And while we appreciate your need
to get to your destination,
332
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,480
could you possibly see your way
to letting us hijack your vehicle?
333
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,280
Let's go.
334
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,360
Ted! Oh!
335
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,520
Sod it, I'm taking his car.
Where are the keys?
336
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,960
There aren't any keys.
It's one of those fingerprint things.
337
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,240
- Oh, course it is.
- (APRIL GROANS)
338
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,320
- You can't move him.
- Yes, I can! (STRAINS)
339
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,160
Oh, please, just do something!
340
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,200
- Load him on the lounger.
- Brilliant.
341
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,440
Careful, careful!
342
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,840
KATE: Oh, Ted!
343
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,560
(BOTH GROAN)
344
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,280
So, thought of any names, Stu?
345
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,360
Not really.
346
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,920
My mum and dad
thought I was going to be a girl.
347
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,520
They were going to call me Carol,
or Linda.
348
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,040
I quite like Sue.
349
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,080
Right.
350
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,120
Oh, God. (SIGHS)
351
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,520
Come on.
352
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,400
Oh, please, please, please.
353
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,640
Oh, shit!
354
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:52,960
Try the other hand, dude.
355
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,600
Oh, fuck!
356
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,520
- Oh, you don't think...?
- Course I do.
357
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:07,760
Better fetch the waffles.
358
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,640
- They're in your freezer.
- It'll be frozen solid.
359
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,200
- Bung it in the microwave.
- It's not a lamb bhuna!
360
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,840
- It'll be fine.
- Oh!
361
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,280
- Back in a minute!
- Stuart!
362
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,560
Breathe out the baby!
363
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,000
(LAUGHTER)
364
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,640
Have you seen this?! There's a lot of cows
hanging about on the A232.
365
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,960
Stu, do us a sandwich!
366
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,640
- (MOOING ON TV)
- Can't believe it.
367
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,160
My own brother blackmailing me!
368
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,760
Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist.
369
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,880
I'll be out of your hair as soon as
I've managed to find an Airbnb in La Paz.
370
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,720
A week, tops.
371
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,160
- Three weeks, max!
- What are you doing now?
372
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,920
- Nothing.
- Yay, best birthday ever!
373
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,720
Bob's your uncle. Classic gin sling.
374
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,080
(GROANS)
375
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,960
(GASPS)
376
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,520
Oh, shit, it's not working!
377
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,760
I told you, it's frozen solid! Shit!
378
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,120
Don't panic. Suck it.
379
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,080
- What?
- Suck his thumb.
380
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:07,240
- No fucking way. You suck it.
- Not on your nelly!
381
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,720
Go on, give it a quick suck.
382
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,920
Oh...
383
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,040
Oh, Gordon Bennett,
he's only gone and done it!
384
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:20,040
Stop sucking my thumb, DJ!
385
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,640
Fine. Just get here as fast as you can.
386
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,200
Stuart, there's a car two minutes away.
387
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,160
What car?
388
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,640
Ted and I got Madonna a car
for her birthday.
389
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:28,840
What, so you did get her a car?
390
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,600
It's a Citroën C3.
391
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,880
Oh, snazz!
392
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,880
It was supposed to arrive this morning
when she was getting her hair done.
393
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,200
Great. Thanks very much.
394
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,560
What's your problem? It's going
to get your girlfriend to hospital.
395
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,960
Oh, how does that make me look?
396
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,160
- Like a wedding DJ.
- Yes, all right, Ted.
397
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,280
- (BRAKES SCREECH)
- Shit!
398
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,320
- Oh, shit.
- BARRY: What?
399
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,720
Charlie!
400
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,600
APRIL: Take me to hospital!
401
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,000
- This is no longer beautiful!
- With you in a minute!
402
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,040
He's not here.
I haven't seen him in weeks.
403
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,080
And even if I had seen him,
404
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,040
which I haven't, I'd have been
straight on the phone to you guys.
405
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,240
- He's there.
- What?
406
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,480
Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog.
407
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,600
William Hooper, I'm arresting you
for criminal damage.
408
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:06,640
Oh, God.
409
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,600
We have CCTV footage
that clearly shows you
410
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,200
releasing several dozen cows from a local
farm, causing major traffic disruption.
411
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,960
Well, I'll have to watch it back,
but it does sound like me.
412
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,280
What's happening, dude?
413
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,120
Dad got pissed and broke into a farm.
414
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,960
Yep. Not interested.
There's a problem with Madonna's car.
415
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,240
Unfortunately, my husband's had
a rather nasty accident with a power saw.
416
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,720
Do you have room to take him to hospital?
417
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,080
BARRY: Thumb's in here.
Flanked by a pair of waffles.
418
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,800
I'd recommend haste. It's on the thaw.
419
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:31,880
Right. Stick him in.
420
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480
Who'll finish the pagoda?
421
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,360
- Don't bother!
- Can you take my girlfriend?
422
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,520
- Why?
- I'm having a baby.
423
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,960
We'll be right behind you, darling.
424
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,080
I love you, Kate Fundy.
425
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:49,040
I love you, April Long-Carrington.
426
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,480
This is the best day of my life!
427
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,800
Yep.
428
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,240
(SIREN BLARES)
429
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,080
Right.
430
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,840
Better get lunch on the go.
431
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,400
I was going to have waffles.
432
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:08,960
Thanks, Barry.
433
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,480
No, I had fun.
434
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,520
Keeps the depression at bay.
435
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,160
(HORN BEEPS)
436
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,840
Sorry about the car. Ploughed into a cow.
437
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,960
Insurance will cover it.
438
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,040
Happy birthday, Madonna.
439
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,400
I got you some jeans.
440
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,200
You were amazing last night.
441
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,160
Sorry about the noises.
442
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,000
- She's with me now.
- I thought you were her dad.
443
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,560
Everything I do goes wrong.
444
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:39,880
Oh, fuck off!
445
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,520
She think I'm no fun.
My IBS is out of control.
446
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:44,960
No, no, no, no, no!
447
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,840
I'm starting to get really hot farts.
448
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,120
You truly are a lingering disappointment.
449
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,600
You fucking idiot!
450
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,800
- You're absolutely useless!
- Wanker.
451
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,920
- Nice one, Pat.
- You as well.
452
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:55,840
Righto.
453
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,720
- What's all this, then?
- Hey.
454
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,960
Healthy body, healthy balls.
455
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,400
We are in what is commonly known
as a polyamorous relationship.
456
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,920
- Dear God.
- Or, as I like to call it, a throuple.
457
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,520
Disgusting pervert.
458
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,360
We're just a regular family
who enjoy each other's company.
459
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,880
I'm not afraid to give you a spanking!
460
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,240
Yeah, I'd like to see you try!
461
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,160
I want my money!
462
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,320
Surprise!
463
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,000
What the fuck are you doing here?
464
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,200
- Dad, do something!
- There's no need to search it!
465
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,280
- Come on!
- (YELLS)
466
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,120
- Agh!
- Bollocks!
467
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,280
(YELLS)
468
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,320
There's loads of pictures
of your penis in my car?
469
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,040
And, I'm afraid, anus.
470
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,400
This might be the lowest point of my life.
471
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,560
About average for me.
472
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:42,160
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