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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:11,480 (RECORDING OF JUNGLE BIRDSONG) 2 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,400 (WOMAN BREATHES OUT) 3 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,040 (WOMAN CRIES OUT) 4 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:18,720 (WOMAN GROANS) 5 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,360 MAN: Come on, where is it? 6 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,000 (WOMAN GROANS) 7 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,800 MAN: Oh, shit. Where is it? 8 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,000 - Stuart! - Where's the bag? 9 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,400 Hold my hand, hold my hand. 10 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:32,840 I think we need to get a move on. 11 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,960 I want to share every beautiful moment together. 12 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,600 - You just told me to set myself on fire. - It's fine. 13 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,640 The doctor said there might be swings. 14 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,000 After me. Breathe in the love. 15 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,240 Breathe out the baby. 16 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:45,440 Now you. 17 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,440 - Breathe in the... - Love. 18 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,880 - Breathe out the... - Baby. 19 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,320 April, where's the hospital bag? 20 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,840 Oh, take all your clothes off. 21 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,760 - What? - It's the oxytocin. 22 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,440 The doctor said I might get randy. 23 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,920 The doctor also said you might shit yourself. 24 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,800 I want to have this child while we make love. 25 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,840 I think we need to get you to the hospital. 26 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:02,960 Dad! 27 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,240 (APRIL CHANTS) 28 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,640 - Dad! - I'm entertaining! 29 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,040 - Have you taken a bag out of my room? - Just a moment. 30 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:14,600 Enter. 31 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,280 Stuart! 32 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,520 This is Igor. 33 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:20,080 Yep. 34 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,480 Kicked off a bit early, then? 35 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,160 When you were born, your mother was twice as loud. Heard her from the pub. 36 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,960 Can you get out of bed? It's two o'clock. 37 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,200 Didn't get back until nine. Cannot remember beyond lunchtime. 38 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,360 I know we had cocktails in town. 39 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,000 Dad, I need some help. 40 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,600 Then we did poppers in the bog at Café Rouge. 41 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,080 - Dad... - Did we end up in a field? 42 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,400 Have you seen a blue sports bag? 43 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,200 Full of nappies and nighties? Over there. 44 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,320 Where's all the Red Bull? 45 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:48,800 We ran out of cocaine. 46 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,920 APRIL: Stuart! 47 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,200 (GROANS) 48 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,800 I want Mummy! 49 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,040 OK, so phone her. 50 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,000 God, no! She hates me! 51 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,880 It's just such a festival of men in this house. 52 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,360 Can you ask Kate if she'll come over? 53 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,960 That's probably a bad idea. 54 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,440 It's just all so Mars. 55 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,800 I need some Venus! 56 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,240 Please. 57 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,840 Back in a minute. 58 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,000 - I love you! - Yeah. 59 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,920 (CRIES REVERBERATE) 60 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,840 (DRILL WHIRS) 61 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,120 Stu! 62 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,600 Hi, Barry. 63 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,400 Fancy hopping on for a Campari? 64 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,480 April's in labour. 65 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:47,360 Oh. Felicitations. 66 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,720 Hm. 67 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,160 Hello, neighbour. 68 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,840 Congrats on the beard. Doesn't look dyed. 69 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,320 Is Kate there? 70 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,360 I'm in the middle of a woodwork sesh. Building a pagoda for my birthday girl. 71 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,640 - She's not yours. - What did you get her? Jeans again? 72 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,760 She's mine. 73 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,120 It's what real dads do, Stuart. 74 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,120 They don't buy disappointing presents 75 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,400 and they don't shit themselves on the ferry to Santander. 76 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,240 Can you shut up and get Kate? Please. 77 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,320 KATE: It was supposed to be here an hour ago. What's the hold-up? 78 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,600 What is it, Stuart? I'm trying to sort Madonna's birthday present. 79 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:14,640 April's gone into labour. 80 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,840 Just make sure it's here before three. 81 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,360 Congratulations. 82 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,280 Shouldn't you be...there? 83 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,280 It's a bit bloke heavy. She wondered if you could pop over. 84 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,440 Well, don't be so ridiculous. 85 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,480 Why would she want your ex-wife gawping up her chuff? 86 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,520 Play well with the female voters. 87 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:29,040 Do you really think I'm that cynical? 88 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,760 Won't be long. 89 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,240 Holler if you need me. 90 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,760 I'll be at the lathe. 91 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,680 What's she supposed to do with a pagoda? 92 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,080 We saw them in Japan. They're actually quite beautiful. 93 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,720 You know you can see his knob through that dressing gown? 94 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,440 - Where's your van? - Getting it pimped up with a respray. 95 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,920 - Don't try to compete with Ted. - Wasn't. 96 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,120 How are you getting to hospital? 97 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,200 Uber. 98 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,640 Hi. 99 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:50,920 Why are you here? 100 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:51,960 Happy birthday, sweetheart. 101 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,120 I thought you were getting your hair done. 102 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,320 I did. 103 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,760 Fuck off! I'm trying to win an election. 104 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,160 What? I thought you'd like it. 105 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,960 I'm challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty. 106 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,920 - You look like Patrick Stewart. - Who? 107 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,160 - I like it. - Whatever. 108 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,520 Not that way. Ted's organising a surprise. 109 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,640 Come on. I need your help. April's in labour. 110 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,160 (APRIL YELLS) 111 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,200 I'll stick the kettle on. 112 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,760 Honestly, I really like it. 113 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,080 Piss off, Dad. 114 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,640 KATE: I'm here now, April. 115 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:21,960 Are you off, then? 116 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,720 Oh, God, it feels like it's coming out of my bum! 117 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,160 Oh, you're doing so well. 118 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,760 Better than I am. How on earth did I get home? 119 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,040 Dad, can you not vape? 120 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,440 Balls. It's a harmless smelly mist. 121 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,480 I'm so glad you chose to join our magical adventure. 122 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,840 It's like having my mum here. 123 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,280 - I'm 40. - Eight. 124 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,160 - How long's this cab going to be? - Haven't ordered it yet. 125 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,040 What do you mean, you haven't ordered it? 126 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,960 Oh, don't make this another Alton Towers! 127 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,400 What happened at Alton Towers? 128 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,320 I lost my gay virginity on the teacups. 129 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,720 What? No. I forgot to order a cab. 130 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,120 I can't find my good place. I can't find my good place! 131 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,000 Gucci business-wear. That's what I think about when I'm depressed. 132 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,160 She's not depressed. 133 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,440 Stuart, go and tell Ted he's taking April to the hospital, 134 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,800 and on your way book the cab. 135 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,600 - We'll follow in that. - I'm not asking Ted for help. 136 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,160 Just do it! 137 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,720 I think one's coming again! 138 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,040 And breathe. 139 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,600 And the reason I forgot to order that cab at Alton Towers 140 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,760 - was cos Dad was getting arrested. - Please hurry up! 141 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,000 - Yep. - (APRIL GROANS) 142 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,520 MADONNA: Dad! Uncle Charlie's here! 143 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:34,560 Surprise! 144 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,040 Why are you hiding in the bushes? 145 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,960 - Cos it wouldn't be a surprise otherwise. - What's the surprise? 146 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,880 - Me. - In the bushes? 147 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,320 - I thought you were on the Isle of Man. - I was. 148 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,480 - Now I'm here. - Just in time for my birthday. 149 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,520 And that's why I was hiding in the bushes. 150 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:49,320 So your present for Madonna on her 17th birthday is you? In the bushes? 151 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,440 Well, I'm pleased to see you, Uncle Charlie. 152 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,200 Oh! See? 153 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,680 Ross Kemp don't mind. 154 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,080 (AS ROSS KEMP) Stick the kettle on. 155 00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,800 APRIL: Hurry up! 156 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,600 - Something's tearing! - Now's not a good time, Charlie. 157 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,400 April's in labour. 158 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,120 Who's April? 159 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,240 - Girl or boy? - Still waiting! 160 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,800 If you're looking for Ted, he's round the back, mucking about with his funny shed. 161 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:19,920 It's a pagoda. 162 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,080 Ooh. Konnichiwa. 163 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,560 TED: Oh... Help me... 164 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,920 What the fuck are you doing?! 165 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,280 I...cut my thumb off! Look! 166 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,480 Oh, Christ. 167 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:37,320 There was someone in the garden, a man in the bushes. I got distracted. 168 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,920 Caught kimono in saw, took hand with it. 169 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,560 Where's the thumb? 170 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:42,720 Where did you last see it? 171 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,520 On my fucking hand, you moron! 172 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,480 - Where did it land? - I don't know! 173 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,360 I was too busy having my thumb cut off! 174 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,640 Call an ambulance! 175 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:50,960 Yeah. 176 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,920 Oh, dear me, Ted! Put some clothes on. I can see your aubergine. 177 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,120 STUART: Ambulance, please. 178 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,200 He's cut his thumb off. 179 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:57,720 Find it. Find the thumb. 180 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,040 My neighbour's cut his thumb off on a... 181 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:04,080 DeWalt DCS391 XR. 182 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,600 Oh, nice bit of kit. 183 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:06,800 Not the fucking make! 184 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,080 6 Fountain Close, SN5. 185 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,400 - Found it!.Going to need a rinse. - OK, thanks. 186 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,720 We have to raise the arm and pack the thumb in ice, apparently. 187 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:14,880 Leave it to me. 188 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,040 I love a drama! 189 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,200 (TED WHIMPERS) 190 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,560 (TED GROANS) 191 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,320 Oh, it's cold. Oh... 192 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,280 (TED BREATHES QUICKLY) 193 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:33,960 BARRY: Snazzy kitchen! 194 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,560 I realise you're not having the best day, 195 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,520 but I really need to borrow your car. 196 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,320 We need to get April to the hospital. 197 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,920 There's no way your girlfriend's leaking all over the Lambo! 198 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,040 That interior is hand-rubbed leather. 199 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,800 Can you do me a favour? Today of all days, 200 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,840 can you just dial back on the dick a bit? 201 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,400 Dick? I'm not the dick. 202 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,720 You're the dick. You're a wedding DJ. 203 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,960 Audiovisual events coordinator. 204 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,320 Yeah, for weddings. 205 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,000 I'm dicing with disability here! 206 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,520 I haven't got time to worry about the latest addition to your weird family! 207 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,840 - What do you mean, weird? - Well... 208 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,400 You're out of ice, so I improvised! With some waffles. 209 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,240 - MADONNA: Dad! Mum wants you! - We're out here! 210 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,040 What is going on? 211 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,080 It's Yul Brynner! 212 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,480 I literally don't know who any of these people are. 213 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,560 - Where's your hair?! - BARRY: Now, don't panic, love. 214 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,360 Your dad's had a bit of an accident, but it's all under control. 215 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,960 I'm her dad. 216 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:40,960 What is that? 217 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,800 No. No, no, don't look. You'll spoil the surprise! 218 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,240 I thought I was getting a car! 219 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,040 Come on. I'll have to take April in the Uber. 220 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,360 Ted, stay with me. 221 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,960 How many fingers am I holding up? 222 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,600 Are you taking the piss? 223 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,400 - Do you think I'm weird? - Yes. 224 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,920 OK. Good. Honest. 225 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,360 I mean, who is she, anyway? 226 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,120 - Who? - Your girlfriend. 227 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,600 She's my girlfriend. 228 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,480 Mum says you're having a midlife crisis. 229 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,080 I'm not the one with a yellow Lamborghini. 230 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,280 No, you're the one dyeing your beard and dating someone 20 years younger. 231 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:12,920 She's old enough to be your... 232 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,520 ...significantly older sister. 233 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,880 APRIL: Where have you been?! 234 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,000 I wanted this to be perfect! 235 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,840 But at this rate, our child's going to be delivered by your ex-wife! 236 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,120 On these stairs! 237 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,640 - Thanks! - It's not my fault. 238 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,000 - Have you got the car? - Ted won't let me use it. 239 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,760 Oh, for Christ's sake! What have you said to him this time? 240 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,200 To begin with, "Why are you lying naked on the patio, covered in blood?" 241 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,960 What are you talking about? 242 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,040 - He's cut his thumb off. - What?! 243 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,440 No, please don't leave me! 244 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,840 Not off. 245 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,200 He's just cut it. 246 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,560 Not off? 247 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,240 Stuart, has he cut his thumb off? 248 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,000 No. 249 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,080 (APRIL YELLS) 250 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,880 We could all squeeze in the Uber. 251 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,040 It'll be here in a few minutes. 252 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,280 Right, time for a quick poo. 253 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,160 Here we go. 254 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,320 (LAUGHTER) 255 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,040 Charlie's here! 256 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,280 Is that weed? 257 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,840 - No! - Yes! 258 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,960 (LAUGHTER) 259 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,240 (GAME PLAYS TUNE) 260 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:45,880 (SIGHS) 261 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,480 - (KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR) - BARRY: I've got a wounded soldier here. 262 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,760 KATE: Oh, Christ. Stuart! It's off. It's totally off! 263 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,040 Sorry. 264 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,040 - TED: Kate, is that you? - (APRIL GROANS) 265 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,400 KATE: Oh, Ted... 266 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,280 BARRY: Ambulance can't get here. There's a herd of cows blocking the road. 267 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,280 I'll stick the thumb in the freezer. 268 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,520 KATE: Madonna, go and find something for Ted to wear. 269 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,160 BARRY: Everybody, just chill. It's only a bit of thumb trauma. 270 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,160 They can work wonders with a needle and thread. 271 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,160 Chin up, fella. We'll jump in a cab with these dudes. 272 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,920 (APRIL CRIES OUT AND WAILS) 273 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,360 - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Jesus.... 274 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,280 - Someone in here! - (KNOCK ON DOOR) 275 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,840 - I'm busy! - CHARLIE: Open up. I need a word. 276 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,240 You all right? 277 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,400 Been shitting in the sink? 278 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,560 It's beard dye. Why are you here, Charlie? 279 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,560 Nothing to worry about. 280 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:46,560 I think...the police might be after me. 281 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,800 But they're on the Isle of Man, I'm over here, so what are they gonna do? 282 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,120 What have you done? 283 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,520 Have you ever heard of something called a Ponzi scheme? 284 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,080 - Yeah. - I've done a Ponzi scheme. 285 00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,760 Fuck. You're gonna end up back in prison. 286 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,840 Well, it weren't my fault the arse fell out of the Dow Jones. 287 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:02,880 - You're an idiot. - Am I? 288 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,560 Yeah. And this is the first place 289 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,600 - the police are gonna look for you. - Oh, don't worry about that. 290 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:07,760 I kept off the roads. 291 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,480 I garden-hopped my way around the close. 292 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,760 Were you just in Ted's garden? 293 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,960 Yes. What's he building? 294 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,480 A pagoda. 295 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,520 You can't stay here, Charlie. I've got enough on my plate. 296 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,560 Oh, well, if I'm going down, you're going down with me. 297 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,440 What's that supposed to mean? 298 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,600 You're a wedding DJ. 299 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,800 How do you think you got the mortgage on this place? 300 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,600 I didn't. You did. 301 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,160 Did I? 302 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,480 Didn't you? 303 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,160 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 304 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,560 DAD: Shitting or chatting? 305 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,840 Isn't this great?! 306 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,840 The Three Musketeers - crossing swords again! 307 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:43,600 We must tell your mother. 308 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,840 Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me since I started dabbling in coke. 309 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,480 KATE: Cab's here! 310 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:52,000 - You'd better go. - KATE: Stuart! Get a move on! 311 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,640 Yeah. 312 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,440 That's it, deep breaths. 313 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,120 You're a strong, powerful, independent woman, just like me. 314 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,120 Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy. 315 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,880 Oh, thank you, Kate. 316 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,240 When this is done, I'm going to give you such a makeover. 317 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,640 - Breathe in the pain. - You breathe into the fucking pain! 318 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,800 Come on, sunshine! Let's get that digit attached, tout suite. 319 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,120 Do you know, I feel fantastic! 320 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,760 Dad! Why did you order an UberPool? 321 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,080 - A what? - There's two people already in there. 322 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,560 Look after April. 323 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,480 I love what you've done with your head. 324 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,080 Look, here's the deal. 325 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,960 I've got Ted here, who is a thumb down, and a young lady about to pop a sprog. 326 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,120 You're going to have to give me some wiggle room here, dudes. 327 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,880 - What's going on? - There's only two spaces left. 328 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,880 We're late. All the roads are closed cos of the bloody cattle incident. 329 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,200 Please get out of the fucking cab. 330 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,800 Hello, gentlemen. As you can see, we've got a rather pressing situation here. 331 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,360 And while we appreciate your need to get to your destination, 332 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,480 could you possibly see your way to letting us hijack your vehicle? 333 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,280 Let's go. 334 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,360 Ted! Oh! 335 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,520 Sod it, I'm taking his car. Where are the keys? 336 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,960 There aren't any keys. It's one of those fingerprint things. 337 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,240 - Oh, course it is. - (APRIL GROANS) 338 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,320 - You can't move him. - Yes, I can! (STRAINS) 339 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,160 Oh, please, just do something! 340 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,200 - Load him on the lounger. - Brilliant. 341 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,440 Careful, careful! 342 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,840 KATE: Oh, Ted! 343 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,560 (BOTH GROAN) 344 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,280 So, thought of any names, Stu? 345 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,360 Not really. 346 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,920 My mum and dad thought I was going to be a girl. 347 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,520 They were going to call me Carol, or Linda. 348 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,040 I quite like Sue. 349 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,080 Right. 350 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,120 Oh, God. (SIGHS) 351 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,520 Come on. 352 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,400 Oh, please, please, please. 353 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,640 Oh, shit! 354 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:52,960 Try the other hand, dude. 355 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,600 Oh, fuck! 356 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,520 - Oh, you don't think...? - Course I do. 357 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:07,760 Better fetch the waffles. 358 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,640 - They're in your freezer. - It'll be frozen solid. 359 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,200 - Bung it in the microwave. - It's not a lamb bhuna! 360 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,840 - It'll be fine. - Oh! 361 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,280 - Back in a minute! - Stuart! 362 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,560 Breathe out the baby! 363 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,000 (LAUGHTER) 364 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,640 Have you seen this?! There's a lot of cows hanging about on the A232. 365 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,960 Stu, do us a sandwich! 366 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,640 - (MOOING ON TV) - Can't believe it. 367 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,160 My own brother blackmailing me! 368 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,760 Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist. 369 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,880 I'll be out of your hair as soon as I've managed to find an Airbnb in La Paz. 370 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,720 A week, tops. 371 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,160 - Three weeks, max! - What are you doing now? 372 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,920 - Nothing. - Yay, best birthday ever! 373 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,720 Bob's your uncle. Classic gin sling. 374 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,080 (GROANS) 375 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,960 (GASPS) 376 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,520 Oh, shit, it's not working! 377 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,760 I told you, it's frozen solid! Shit! 378 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,120 Don't panic. Suck it. 379 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,080 - What? - Suck his thumb. 380 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:07,240 - No fucking way. You suck it. - Not on your nelly! 381 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,720 Go on, give it a quick suck. 382 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,920 Oh... 383 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,040 Oh, Gordon Bennett, he's only gone and done it! 384 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:20,040 Stop sucking my thumb, DJ! 385 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,640 Fine. Just get here as fast as you can. 386 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,200 Stuart, there's a car two minutes away. 387 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,160 What car? 388 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,640 Ted and I got Madonna a car for her birthday. 389 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:28,840 What, so you did get her a car? 390 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,600 It's a Citroën C3. 391 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,880 Oh, snazz! 392 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,880 It was supposed to arrive this morning when she was getting her hair done. 393 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,200 Great. Thanks very much. 394 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,560 What's your problem? It's going to get your girlfriend to hospital. 395 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,960 Oh, how does that make me look? 396 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,160 - Like a wedding DJ. - Yes, all right, Ted. 397 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,280 - (BRAKES SCREECH) - Shit! 398 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,320 - Oh, shit. - BARRY: What? 399 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,720 Charlie! 400 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,600 APRIL: Take me to hospital! 401 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,000 - This is no longer beautiful! - With you in a minute! 402 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,040 He's not here. I haven't seen him in weeks. 403 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,080 And even if I had seen him, 404 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,040 which I haven't, I'd have been straight on the phone to you guys. 405 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,240 - He's there. - What? 406 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,480 Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog. 407 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,600 William Hooper, I'm arresting you for criminal damage. 408 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:06,640 Oh, God. 409 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,600 We have CCTV footage that clearly shows you 410 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,200 releasing several dozen cows from a local farm, causing major traffic disruption. 411 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,960 Well, I'll have to watch it back, but it does sound like me. 412 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,280 What's happening, dude? 413 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,120 Dad got pissed and broke into a farm. 414 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,960 Yep. Not interested. There's a problem with Madonna's car. 415 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,240 Unfortunately, my husband's had a rather nasty accident with a power saw. 416 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,720 Do you have room to take him to hospital? 417 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,080 BARRY: Thumb's in here. Flanked by a pair of waffles. 418 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,800 I'd recommend haste. It's on the thaw. 419 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:31,880 Right. Stick him in. 420 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480 Who'll finish the pagoda? 421 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,360 - Don't bother! - Can you take my girlfriend? 422 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,520 - Why? - I'm having a baby. 423 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,960 We'll be right behind you, darling. 424 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,080 I love you, Kate Fundy. 425 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:49,040 I love you, April Long-Carrington. 426 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,480 This is the best day of my life! 427 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,800 Yep. 428 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,240 (SIREN BLARES) 429 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,080 Right. 430 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,840 Better get lunch on the go. 431 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,400 I was going to have waffles. 432 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:08,960 Thanks, Barry. 433 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,480 No, I had fun. 434 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,520 Keeps the depression at bay. 435 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,160 (HORN BEEPS) 436 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,840 Sorry about the car. Ploughed into a cow. 437 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,960 Insurance will cover it. 438 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,040 Happy birthday, Madonna. 439 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,400 I got you some jeans. 440 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,200 You were amazing last night. 441 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,160 Sorry about the noises. 442 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,000 - She's with me now. - I thought you were her dad. 443 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,560 Everything I do goes wrong. 444 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:39,880 Oh, fuck off! 445 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,520 She think I'm no fun. My IBS is out of control. 446 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:44,960 No, no, no, no, no! 447 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,840 I'm starting to get really hot farts. 448 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,120 You truly are a lingering disappointment. 449 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,600 You fucking idiot! 450 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,800 - You're absolutely useless! - Wanker. 451 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,920 - Nice one, Pat. - You as well. 452 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:55,840 Righto. 453 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,720 - What's all this, then? - Hey. 454 00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,960 Healthy body, healthy balls. 455 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,400 We are in what is commonly known as a polyamorous relationship. 456 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,920 - Dear God. - Or, as I like to call it, a throuple. 457 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,520 Disgusting pervert. 458 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,360 We're just a regular family who enjoy each other's company. 459 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,880 I'm not afraid to give you a spanking! 460 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,240 Yeah, I'd like to see you try! 461 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,160 I want my money! 462 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,320 Surprise! 463 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,000 What the fuck are you doing here? 464 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,200 - Dad, do something! - There's no need to search it! 465 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,280 - Come on! - (YELLS) 466 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,120 - Agh! - Bollocks! 467 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,280 (YELLS) 468 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,320 There's loads of pictures of your penis in my car? 469 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,040 And, I'm afraid, anus. 470 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,400 This might be the lowest point of my life. 471 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,560 About average for me. 472 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:42,160 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34251

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