All language subtitles for Mr Sloane s01e03 Everybody Must Get Sloaned.eng

Are you still employed
at St Paul's Primary School?

Ah, well, I mean, actually,
I was employed, sacked,

and then re-employed.

So how long was your first term
of employment

prior to initial termination?

Erm, let me think, I'd say
it would be three minutes.

Maybe four minutes, actually.

Four minutes? Yeah, well,
I mean, thinking about it,

I wasn't officially sacked
until morning break,

so, technically, it's probably
closer to an hour.

So I'd put that in.

And are you still looking
for full-time employment?

Yes, yeah.

Sorry, I've just noticed
here on the form,

you've spelt my surname
S-L-O-A-N.

There's actually an E on the end.

- An E? - Yes, yeah, you just need
to add an E to the end of Sloan,

like Sloane Square, London.

So your Christian name
is Jeremy-- J-E-R-E-M-Y?

Yeah, but I mean...

And now you're saying your
surname is Sloane-- S-L-O-A-N-E?

Look, there was no need
to have tossed out the last one.

All you had to do
was add an E to Sloan.

If you'd mistakenly put an E
where there wasn't one,

I could understand you crossing
it out, if you had no rubber,

but if you'd simply
added an E to Sloan,

there'd be no need to go
through this all again.

I'm... I'm sorry, sir, it just...

It strikes me as a very
odd thing to do.

I see.

And are you expecting
to work today?

Today? No. No.

Then you can come back...

when I've had my break.

Your chicken breast, miss,
and a roast beef sandwich.

Thank you. Excuse me, I just...

I wanted to mention,
here on the Specials list,

it says, "Lamb cooked
in it's own juices."

That's right, would you like
to change your order?

No, no, no, I'm fine.

I just... I wanted to point out that
they've put a superfluous apostrophe

in the word "its."

In this context, you'd only
use the apostrophe

to indicate the contraction
of the words, "it is."

You'd never use it
in its possessive context.

Shall I get you another beer?

Yes, yes, please, that would...

I'm sure they'll have all the menus
reprinted by this evening.

They never do.

So what is it with you Brits
and beer?

Do you not drink beer?
Yeah, now and again,

but here it practically flows
out of the kitchen faucet.

Everything is washed down
in beer.

Oh, I don't know, I think it
probably takes the edge off

the uncertainties of life
on our tiny island.

So do you ever get high?
High? How do you mean?

You know, marijuana?

No! No.

I mean, obviously, I'm cool
with it, man, but I just...

I used to smoke fags,
but, you know,

I was always out of breath
and coughing so I just...

I gave up a few years ago.

I think it might open you up
to a whole new way of seeing things.

To be honest, I... I don't like
losing my grip on reality.

That's exactly why
you should try it.

It might change your perception
of what reality is.

Maybe, but it's also the...
the coughing.

The coughing, yeah.
Right.

How's your chicken?
It's OK, it's your basic chicken.

Oh, I'll have to treat you to my

- special roast chicken Provencal
one day. - You cook?

Well, you know, I was quite
the culinary artiste a few years back.

It's been a while, though.

But it's just like falling
off a bike, isn't it, really?

Something else I'm actually
pretty good at.

Well, yeah, let's do that sometime.

Brilliant. Well, I mean,

I'm not teaching Monday if you
wanted to come and have lunch?

Monday?

Jolly good.
Ah! Ah, cool man.

I'm all right,
don't worry about me.

Try not to die in my office,
would you?

No, I'll wait till I get back
to my own office!

Yeah, that's the spirit.
Now, if you are confident

about taking over Lamont's
accounts after he transfers,

you will save me from having
to take on someone else

at the end of the tax year.
I assure you it's not a problem.

Well, you should think about it.

It'll mean one or two late nights,

and maybe even the odd Saturday
here and there.

But we could be talking about
a generous increase in salary,

perhaps as much as �10 a month.

Well, well, that is very generous,
thank you.

Well, you've been a dedicated
employee, Jeremy.

I do love my work, sir.
You know, Jeremy,

within the next two or three years
I'll start backing down

from my position and I'm going
to be looking for somebody

to take the lead.

So keep your nose clean,
don't get complacent,

and someday, as the saying goes,

a non-controlling interest
in all of this will be yours.

Shit!
Dad!

Sorry, S-H-I-T.

Now if we put in two shillings,
instead of one,

it'll increase our winnings two-fold
and make up for our losses.

Pull.

- There you are. Your beer was
getting cold. - Oh, cheers, Sloaney.

Hiya, Brian.
Hi, Sloaney.

You can't get 'em started
too early, eh?

Yeah, Brian's my good luck
charm, ain't ya?

Oh, really. How you faring?
Down three quid. Pull.

Hey, Sloaney, you still teaching?
On and off.

Well, listen, I may have a lead
on a proper job for you,

it's right up your alley.

Well, teaching is a proper job,
but, you know, go on.

When you were at L & S,

- do you remember the Trent Publishing
account? - Yeah, of course.

Well, they're looking
for a copyrighter,

someone who's really good at
spelling, punctuation, grammar,

all that C-R-A-P. You can
cross out unneeded apostrophes

and semicolons to your heart's
content, and make a decent wage.

Do you really think I'd be qualified?
Of course.

- Me and Brian have got faith in you,
haven't we? - It's "Brian and I."

Erm, what if they ask why
I left Lynch and Saunders?

Look, stop worrying,
I'll sort it.

You know I can bull S-H-I-T
like nobody's business.

That's great. I have to say,
I owe you one, mate.

We've run out of money, Dad.

'Ere Sloaney, can you
lend us a few shillings?

You do realise that
"I owe you one"

is merely a figure of speech,
don't you?

Right, gentlemen,

who can contribute a few shillings
to my son's education?

I've got a machine there that's
due to pay out on the next pull.

I'll share the winnings.

Ross, you've owed me
five quid for a month.

You promised to write me
a cheque, where is it?

If I give you three quid cash,
will you forget the rest?

Yeah, I suppose, yeah.

Brilliant, I owe you three quid
cash. Beans, what about you?

A few shillings? You've got no
living expenses to speak of.

Yeah, all right.

What's that?
You asked for a few shillings.

- That's not a few, that's a couple.
- Same thing. - No, it isn't.

- How do you reckon? - A couple is two.
A few is three, or more.

Says who?
Says people who speak English.

Look, if you're walking down
the street,

you see a bloke and his wife, that's two people, what
do you call 'em? I don't know, what are their names?

Idiot! You'd call 'em a couple.
It means two.

Well, how do you know it's his wife?
It could be his sister.

- He's got a point there. - Yeah, so
what if I told my mum one night

I'm going to have a few
friends over to watch telly,

and it was just Reggie and Sloaney?
You saying I'm a liar?

Sorry, I... I can't make it
that night, I'm busy.

Technically, that wouldn't be a few.
Reg and Sloane would be a couple.

No, no, we're just good friends.

- So you're saying a few is three
or more? - Yes.

All right, I tell my mum I'm going
to invite a few friends over,

- and I bring, say, 27. - Where are
you going to find 27 friends, Beans?

All right, acquaintances.
27 acquaintances.

Total strangers more like.
Very confused strangers.

Well, that would no longer be
a few, that would be several.

Oh, the plot thickens.

OK, look, if you're going
to be an A-R-S-E,

I'll take the two shillings,
but that's all I'm paying back.

I won't be sharing the winnings.

I think that's your machine, Ross.

Oh, fuck!

Dad!

Hey, Ross, don't say "fuck"
in front of the B-A-B-Y.

Go and get Daddy a scotch.

And, oi, I want the change.

Those words are very...

- Hi!
- Hello, won't you come in?

Oh, thank you.
So this is Sloane Manor?

Sloane sweet home, and getting
sweeter by the moment.

Those look fantastic, may I?

Those are for after lunch.
Duly noted.

Now, I know it's the middle
of the afternoon,

but would you like
a glass of wine?

Sure. How long have you
lived here?

About eight years now.

My wife, well, my ex-wife,
well, separated actually...

Janet. We moved in soon
after we were married.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Mmm.

You expecting anyone else?
Today? No.

Then why don't we lose this?

Oh, right, yes.
Force of habit.

Hey, clip-on!
Aren't those for kids?

Well, for kids and efficiency-minded
adults who aren't slaves to fashion.

Now, I'm going to take these
into the kitchen

and finish preparing our lunch.

Please make yourself at home.
Thank you.

What music is this?
It's Gilbert and Sullivan.

- I've never heard of him. Do you
mind if I change it? - No, go ahead.

I brought you a few records
I thought you might not hate.

Oh, yeah, certainly. I'm always
open to new experiences.

Sorry! I'm going to start you off
with some Kinks.

It's a couple of years old,
but it's accessible.

I don't want to traumatise you.

Yeah, I've heard of them.
I just don't know their music.

What about The Beatles?
Ever hear of them?

Ah, yes, the four lads
from Liverpool.

I think I remember reading
something about them in the paper.

This must be your wife
in the photo on the mantle?

Yeah. Janet.
She has a nice face.

I suppose she does.

It's so sad that
you two broke up.

Yes, it is.

It's none of my business,
but what happened?

She felt that she needed to find
herself. Whatever that means.

I think I can understand that.

You know, it's becoming
more and more common.

But I'm sure you were
a great husband.

Bit of a disappointment, actually.

Just a minute, darling, coming!

So what's the good news?

So, you have been asking
when we can have a baby.

For about four years now, yes.
OK, well, I think I've worked it out.

So, on my current salary,
minus our monthly expenses,

plus a small contingency of 6% per
annum, I'd estimate we would need

an additional 10% surplus
to meet the expenses of a child.

Plus a nest egg of �100--
just put aside as our cushion, OK?

Now when the promotion
comes in, if,

IF we implement
certain austerity measures,

I would project that we can
achieve this figure in 2.3 years.

It's approximately 28 months.

Obviously, subtract nine months
for the gestation period,

I think you should be able
to conceive in 19 months,

which puts it at November
the 12th next year.

I mean, obviously, give or take.

I think that all works out
rather nicely, don't you?

- So I can conceive on the 12th
of November next year? - Yeah.

That's great news,
I'll put it in the diary.

You don't seem pleased. I thought
this would make you happy.

No, it does, dear, the whole thing
sounds so romantic.

Well, look, it's better to plan
the future than regret the past,

that's what I always say.

Yes, you do always say that,
don't you?

Well, I'd better get supper
on the table.

I've only got four minutes
if I'm to keep on track.

Huh. Uncalled-for sarcasm.

Huh.

Janet, have you noticed
that the table's floating?

Sorry, what?
Hmm?

I'm not certain why I said that.
It was strangled.

It was what?
Oh, sorry.

I meant to say strange,
but it came out strangled.

Are you feeling all right?
Yes.

Although it would appear that
my mind has a mind of its own,

and there goes the floating again.

Jeremy, did you eat
any of those brownies?

The brownies? Yes.
I mean, I had a couple.

Or maybe it was a few.

Are a couple and a few
the same thing?

I would love to get your opinion.
Jeremy, try to remember.

There were two brownies
that had icing on them,

did you eat one of the brownies
that had icing?

Icing is a funny word, isn't it,
if you keep saying it?

I sing for icing!

Shit! Icing!
Hey, come here, you.

OK. OK, you had both of them.

OK, that's all right, let's not panic.
You seem really unhappy.

Jeremy, I put two pot brownies
in with the others.

I was going to suggest that after
lunch maybe you try half of one

and, if you liked it,
maybe another quarter,

- but you have eaten two whole
brownies. - I can see your words.

It's going to be OK.

We've got the whole day
to stay in and relax.

I'm going to help you
through this.

I can hear beautiful bells.

Let's go and find them!

Erm, I really don't think
you should get that, Jeremy.

No, you're right, you're right,
I won't.

Hello, this is me talking with my
voice, isn't it a bloody miracle?

Sloaney, it's Ross.
Ha, it's my mate, Ross.

Ross, I need to ask you something.

Yeah, what?
What colour are your eyes, man?

- What? - I mean, we've known
each other since we were wee little

and I've never really...

I've never really looked
at your eyes, isn't that sad?

Sloane, are you drunk?
I don't know. Am I drunk?

OK. Don't snatch it!

Hi, Ross, this is Jeremy's friend,
Robin.

Oh, hi. Is something
wrong with him?

Actually, he's a bit
under the weather.

Can he call you back
when he's feeling better?

Listen, tell your boyfriend
I got him that job interview

at Trent Publishing
in Hemel Hempstead,

but the boss, Hugh Franklin,
needs to see him there in one hour.

OK, first of all,
he's not my boyfriend,

and, second, I'm afraid
that's not going to be possible.

You know, he's really not feeling well.
Who's not your boyfriend?

Is he drunk?

Not exactly.

- Look, missy... - Excuse me,
did you actually just call me missy?

Look, I went out on a limb
to get him this job interview,

and there's not going to be
a second chance.

So unless you want him back
on the bloody dole,

you'll give him a black coffee

and drag his formidable bum
up there right away.

All right, just give me the address.
It's 137...

When I move my hand, I can
see where my hand has been.

... third floor at the corner
of Dodge Street, got it?

OK, got it. I'll do my best.
Goodbye.

OK, make sure...
OK, Jeremy, listen to me.

Find your tie, we've got to go out.
Yes, we're going on a field trip!

Right.
I'll drive.

No, I'm driving, you just sit and relax.
Oh, I'm very relaxed.

Ah!
You OK?

How fast are we going?

- 27 miles per hour. - Oh, you should
slow down. Please slow down.

Jeremy, when you meet with
this Mr Franklin, just keep it simple.

Don't tell him every little thing
you're thinking, OK?

OK. But I think you should
know that I... I have something

bulging in my trousers.

OK, that's just the kind
of thing I'm talking about.

Oh, I'll feel better
if I can get it out.

- No! Jeremy, no. No, don't
take it out! - Oh, argh.

Hey, you found your tie!

There it is.
This is a good omen.

Maybe everything
will work out after all.

Ross tells me that you have
a natural affinity for copy editing.

Was that phone here
when I came in?

The phone?
Yes, of course.

The deer, was the deer here
when I came in?

Yes.

Oh, good.

Just wanted to make sure
they weren't following me.

You were saying something
about natural infinity.

Affinity, yes. Ross says
you're a born copy editor.

- Oh. - Always catching spelling and
punctuation errors wherever you go.

Those words are very...

tangible.

Are you feeling all right,
Mr Sloane?

Yes, I'm absolutely fine.

You know your desk
is breathing?

Close your eyes, listen.

I'm going to have a walk around.
I feel a bit sick.

Why don't you call Sue and get her
to send some squash through?

Is this your wife?
No.

Oh, you dirty, old bugger!

This wasn't actual size,
was it?

It's tiny.

Just like old Mr Hitler himself.

What?

Would it be crazy if I told you
I think I love you?

No crazier than when you said it
to the receptionist,

the doorman, or the meter maid.

Meter maid!

Ah!

I can see why dogs
like this so much!

OK, shh. Quiet now.

No.

It's OK.
Hey, Nigel.

I understand. Ah, that's right,
that's what we want, isn't it, huh?

We just need to know that we're all...
that we're all loved, yeah?

That's amazing!

Not really. Not when you know that
we're all part of the same universe,

all in this together.
Aren't we, mate, hmm?

Yeah, I think it's time you and I
became friends, yeah?

Fucking Christ, this is...
Oh, please, no! Someone shoot him!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, Jesus, help me!

Somebody shoot him!
Argh, shoot him!

Quite a day you've had.

It's "we."
It's quite a day WE had.

I guess that's true.

I wouldn't change it for the world.
Even though you blew the interview?

If I don't get the job,
it wasn't meant to be.

Look at you, a couple of brownies,
you're practically a Buddhist monk.

It may have been a few.

Well, that should do it.

Feel better?

Why are you being so nice to me?

Because you're a good man
with a big heart,

and you make a really nice
roast chicken Provencal.

Jeremy!

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