Original subtitles

'You say you don't know her surname?'

I don't know her surname, no. Her first name is Robin.

She lives in Brunswick Street.

'In Watford, you said?'

Yes, have you found her?

'I'm afraid there's really nothing I can do without a surname.'

Well...it's just not right, is it?

Who decided that surnames were so all-important?

I mean, why even bother handing out first names if they're so useless?

'Sir, do you have any other information

'about the party you are trying to reach?' Er, yes...

She's American, 5'2,

lovely chestnut brown hair.

Nice sense of humour.

A great smile, you know?

Good American teeth.

And just a...a hint of Chanel, if I'm any judge of feminine fragrance.

'Sir, we do not take kindly to nuisance calls

'and will not hesitate to discontinue your service

'if you choose to make a habit of this.' No, no, I assure you that...

Hello? Hello?

Cos he gets up in the morning

And he goes to work at nine

And he comes back home at 5:30

Gets the same train every time

And he's oh so healthy

In his body and his mind

He's a well-respected man about town

? Doing the best thing so conservatively... ?

Another round, boys? Not for me, I am teaching tomorrow.

I thought you got sacked last week? I did.

But I offered to send a condolence card to Mrs Pitman's widower as a gesture of good faith,

so they're using me as needed until they find a permanent replacement.

This is very interesting, but we're supposed to be planning my stag.

We are. I vote Southend.

Ah, now Southend is home to the world's...

..longest pleasure pier, yeah.

Ha! We did Southend my last marriage. Bad omen.

What about London?

It's only 18 miles away, and we never go. It's madness.

Sold! A weekend of debauchery in swinging London town. Details.

Playboy Casino's at the Hilton. I've been dying to go.

A casino? That'll be something different for you.

You can't go one day without gambling, can you? Wanna bet?

Oh, can we go on an open-top bus?

No, we're not going on an open top bus!

Well, I'll not be taking the Tube, thank you.

Beans, Quatermass And The Pit was NOT a documentary.

If you want your brains taken over by Martians, go right ahead and take the Tube.

Well, Ross, Sloaney, you've got the cars.

My little mishap has left the car running a bit funny, so, er...I can't risk it.

Sandra's not going to let me take the car to London

for a night of drinking with my mates.

If we can't drive and we can't take the Tube, then London's out.

We'll have to find somewhere closer to home.

That's it! Sorted! We'll do it here. Jesus!

Now for the date. Right. I am free on Friday.

I can't do Friday. Office Christmas party.

What about Thursday? Mmm, good for me.

No, Thursday's no good. Let me guess,

something about your...mum?

Well, yeah, actually I've got to take her to bingo. Saturday?

Yeah, good for me. Can't do Saturday.

Got the in-laws coming. Can't afford a divorce.

After that, we're heading towards Christmas.

Yeah, I could probably do Christmas. What about tonight? What?

I can't do tonight. Why not? Because I am teaching tomorrow,

and I can't do fractions if I'm vomiting into a basin.

And also because I'm not having it in here, or tonight.

Come on, Reg, it's now or never.

But what about the strippers?

Hmm, Bertha's behind the bar. She might be game.

Christ. Isn't it supposed to be your night with Brian, Ross?

Oh, God, yeah.

'Ere, Brian?

Looks like this one might go on a bit.

Do you want to stay here, or wait in the car?

Stay, I suppose. All right. Keep your head down, son.

To Reggie's stag!

Come on, let's get you home to your mum.

Yeah, you're right. She'll be worried sick.

Where's Brian? Why are you holding my hand?

Well, you offered it.

Yeah, for my son, not for you, you big idiot.

Ross? You forgetting something?

Come 'ere. Here we go.

Come on.

'Ere, Brian, what did I tell you about keeping your head down?

Right, we're off.

Hey, cheers, mate.

It was a great do tonight.

Ross?

What? Are you driving?

Yeah. What, you're driving with your son in the car?

Well, I'm not going to leave him here, am I?

Can I jump in the back?

Yeah, come on. You can keep a look out for traffic lights.

I'll see you, Beans.

Ta-ta, Beans. Good night.

Where to now, Sloaney?

I am going to wait with you for your cab,

and then I'm going home.

Listen, Sloanes, you don't think I'm making a big mistake

getting married again, do you?

Look, I just... I just want you to be happy, mate.

Although I think you have a problem with the "forsaking all others" business.

Yeah, I know, I know. But, the way I see it,

when Nancy went from being my girlfriend to being my wife,

that left the girlfriend position wide open.

So I was trust trying to fill a vacancy.

I mean, you stayed true to Janet all those years, and look where it got you!

I know. I mean, look, it's very complex. Janet and I... Ooh!

Sorry, right back.

Where are you going?

Ahh! Oh, not in the street!

Well, where would you have me go, then?

Go inside and use the toilet! No, I'll miss my cab then.

Oh, is that him?

Oh! Oh, shit, sorry!

Shit! Sorry, mate. Oh, you bloody animal, Reggie.

That was an accident! Oh, my God. What?

Dear God! Get a grip, man! Knocked my bloody glasses off.

You can wait for your own bloomin' cab now. Oh, yeah, all right.

I actually feel much better now. See you tomorrow, yeah?

Oh, my God!

Oh, that stinks.

What have I sunk to? What's this?

Where are they?

Are you looking for these?

Hmm?

Oh, my glasses!

Thank you so much. You are an angel.

Robin?

Sorry, do I know you?

Yes! It's Jeremy!

Jeremy Sloane, from the ironmongers.

From the what? From the hardware shop, the hardware store.

Oh, right! The awful smell?

Yes, yes! I mean, again, that wasn't me, but...

Weren't you supposed to fix my faucet?

Yes, I was coming over to your place but then I, I had a little accident.

Yeah, I guess you have a lot of those.

Oh, no, this is all my mate Reggie's handiwork.

Your friend peed and barfed on you?

Yeah. We were having a stag do.

OK, I don't know what a stag do is, but it sure sounds like fun.

Were you in the pub just now?

No, er, I was just down the block having coffee with a friend.

Coffee! Ha!

OK, well, it was nice seeing you again.

Yeah, yeah. I'll see you around, yeah?

No, that's OK.

That's OK.

Sorry.

H-have you got your tap sorted yet?

Excuse me? Sorry, have you fixed your faucet?

Oh, er, yeah, but now another one's leaking.

Do you want to try again, maybe?

Like when?

Well, I could come by tomorrow after I finish teaching, about half four?

Is half four 4:30 or 3:30?

Yeah, it's 4:30, it's half AFTER four.

No more smells, or bodily functions?

Well...

yes, yes, I promise.

OK. 4:30.

W-what's your address? 35 Brunswick Street.

35... That's my age, easy.

Hey, Reg!

A pie? A pie! A pie, well done.

If I brought this pie into class and we ate one quarter of it,

how many pieces of this pie would we have left?

Luke? Three.

Yes, three. Well done.

So if we eat one quarter of the pie,

we would have three-quarters of the pie remaining.

That's not true, sir. Sorry, Kevin, why's that?

Because if Luke was in the same room as the pie,

there'd be no pieces left cos he'd eat them all!

That's enough. Stop laughing, all of you.

Hang on!

Just...don't slam your desks.

We will pick this up next time, all right?

At least no-one died today, eh, Mr Sloane? Not yet, anyway.

(Smartarse.) Luke, can I have a word?

Yes, sir. Listen...

you can't let them get to you, all right?

They are bullies because they are jealous that they're not as...

as bright as you. Do you understand that?

Yes, sir.

Thank you. OK.

Good lad.

Good night, Mr Sloane. Good night.

Kevin, Gerald.

As funny as you think it is to bully others,

you're only embarrassing yourselves.

At the end of the day, it's the two of you who end up looking foolish.

You're right, Mr Sloane. We'll try to do better, Mr Sloane.

Very well. Have a good night.

Goodbye, Mr Sloane. Thanks for the talk. All right.

Good night.

Good night.

Hello, Jeremy. Hello...

I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but...

we're both grown-ups, right?

I mean, you and I know why you're really here.

You look like you've had a rough day.

Why don't you come on inside and I'll give you a nice...

Oh, hi. Jeremy, right? Yes, yes, that's right, yeah.

I'm so sorry, I forgot I had plans tonight.

I was going to cancel with you, but I didn't have your number. Oh.

Oh, that's all right. I mean, I can come back another time.

Well, come in, take a look, maybe it'll be quick.

OK, sure, yeah.

I have to put this eyelash on before the glue dries.

It'll just take a second. You don't mind? No, no, no. Go right ahead.

Take your coat off, make yourself at home. OK, thank you.

Well, huh. This is...

It's a nice place. Oh, thanks, but it's my friend Audrey's.

She's modelling in Paris for three months so she asked me to house-sit.

I could never afford this.

What time's your date?

Oh, it's not a date.

I'm taking my friend to hear classical music for her birthday.

Really? You don't get many people our age who fancy classical.

Oh, I don't fancy it at all.

I'm strictly a rock'n'roll girl, but Gayle likes it.

You know, she's older, probably your age. You might like her.

But you're married, right?

No, we're separated.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you going to hear?

Siegfried someone? I want to say Idol, Siegfried Idol?

Oh, the Siegfried Idyll? That's it.

Oh, yeah, Wagner. Very beautiful.

It's one of my favourite pieces.

Wagner? Really? I thought he was like...

Yeah, Ride Of The Valkyries.

Same bloke, but the Siegfried Idyll, it's very different, you know?

It's...very romantic.

Really? Ah.

Anyway, show me to the leak in your kitchen.

Oh, this leak's in the bathroom.

Right. Yep.

Right there, in the faucet, and now possibly underneath.

Let me have a look.

I just think that needs a washer.

I might have the right one in my, er, tool box.

Let me have a look underneath, if I may?

Oh, erm, I should get that.

It could be Gayle. Yeah, yeah, go right ahead.

Oh, yeah.

Your classic U-bend.

You've got to be kidding? What?

So now you're a plumber, come to fix a young girl's pipes?

It's like something straight out of a blue movie.

What would you know about that? She's half your age.

She's nothing of the sort.

I'm mid-30s, she's mid-20s. She's at least...two-thirds my age.

She's early 20s, and you're nearly 40. That is virtually half your age.

And I thought you were the maths teacher.

Oh, look, just go away, will you? Oh, that's right, you already did

Well, that was Gayle.

Looks like she's down with stomach flu, so that's that.

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, goodness, I...

I'm so sorry. That's OK. Just set it anywhere. Yes.

Good lord, I am so, so sorry. That's OK.

It's OK. It's OK. No, no.

Hey, look...

this might sound kind of crazy,

but since you like this Siegfried thing so much, do you want to go?

It's at the Coliseum at 5:30. Really?

Yeah. It would make me feel less guilty about not being able to pay you much.

Oh, I wasn't going to take any money anyway.

Well, if you want to go, it means getting a move on. You can finish up here another time.

That is so thoughtful of you.

I might give my friend Ross a call, see if he'd like to go.

Oh... Well, OK.

Although he'd never make it in time. Now, Reggie's closer... Excuse me.

..but he'd rather put a stick in his eye than listen to classical.

I suppose I can find someone down there who needs the other ticket.

Sure. Well, look, I hate to leave a job unfinished,

but, if you'd like, I could come back tomorrow, maybe?

No problem. Fantastic.

Did you come here straight from school?

I did, why? Just...curious. OK.

Huh! The Siegfried Idyll, wow. A-amazing!

Thank you, thank you so much.

You're quite welcome.

I just hope I can find someone to use the other ticket.

OK. Bye.

Bye!

Unless...you'd want to go?

Huh! Interesting thought.

You don't have to, I just...

Why not? I'm all dressed up anyway.

Let me go get my purse.

Brilliant.

"Siegfried Idyll" by Wagner

It's very beautiful.

Very evocative.

Evocative?

Makes you think.

Right. So what are you thinking about?

I'm thinking that I feel bad that I didn't finish the job

in your bathroom. Wow, that's heavy

Ssh!

It shouldn't take too long. I just have to stick a washer in.

Well, you're welcome to come by tomorrow.

Or, I mean, if you want, I could come by...

..and stick it in tonight?

I always thought Wagner was a Nazi.

Nazi? No, no. He lived in the 19th century.

Anti-Semite? Sadly, yes. Also, Hitler was a big fan,

so he doesn't exactly chart highly on the Jewish hit parade.

Oh, thank you. Cheers. Let me cover my share.

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, young lady,

your money is no good here.

Well, thank you. I'll get the next one.

Next one?

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Excuse me, I'm just going to use the, er, gents.

Oh, I think it's ladies and gents, so be sure to knock.

What is the world coming to?

My bloody dad would turn in his grave.

Come on, people!

The job's not done until you flush.

No, no, no, no.

A bloody floater!

What are you made of? Wood?

Yeah...

..just a minute!

"Ride Of The Valkyries" by Wagner

Argh!

Ugh!

Come on! Get it in!

Argh!

Seconds... Seconds away!

I give up.

I thought you'd fallen in.

No.

Excuse me.

I'll just...be a..second.

Ow!

Well, er, thank you for the tickets.

It...made a nice change of pace from the pub.

Well, thank you for bringing me. You're welcome.

Do you want me to come in and tighten up your tap?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm really tired.

Yeah, no, it's getting on a bit, isn't it?

Can you come by tomorrow? Yeah, yeah. Round two, eh?

Around 2:00 is fine.

No, I meant like a boxing match,

tonight was round one, and tomorrow's...

..round two.

But, yes, also, around... around 2:00 is fine.

See you, then, Jeremy.

Good night.

Hey, it's Sloane, right?

Yes, yes, with an 'e' at the end, like Sloane Square.

OK. Good night, Mr Sloane. Good night.

Hello, Robin. I'm terribly sorry to disturb you,

but there...there's something I need to tell you.

What?

What you saw at the cafe, it wasn't me.

What wasn't you?

You're going to make me say it, aren't you?

Hmm. The...

(The floater.)

Floater?

The poo floating in the toilet.

It wasn't mine, it was already there when I went in.

I-I tried to flush it, but it just, it wouldn't submit!

You must have seen it when you went to use the toilet. I just...

I didn't want you to think I was responsible.

Jeremy, I just went to the bathroom to wash my hands.

I didn't use the toilet.

Right. But thanks for bringing all this to my attention.

Good night. Good night.

Thank you.

Well, look, at least she won't associate you

with the fart in the tool shop any more!

Yeah, or being covered in piss and vomit in an alleyway!

Yeah, now she'll associate you with a big floating shit in the toilet!

That poor girl will probably wake up in the middle of the night screaming.

Well, thank you for all your sympathy.

That reminds me...

Thank you for your engagement card. Very funny.

What did it say? Well, you know,

"With deepest sympathies for your loss.

"I offer you prayers of strength in your time of need."

That's very funny, actually. Yeah.

Wait, that's not what I wrote.

Yeah, bloody well is. Are you sure? Yeah.

Oh, dear God!

"Dear Wanker, take a good look at these fat bangers,

"cos you definitely won't be seeing anything like them again.

"It couldn't happen to a more deserving man.

"Yours, Sloane."

Jesus!

'Directory enquiries.' I need the number of a Mr Sloane in Watford.

'Is that Sloane with or without an 'e'?'

I don't know! I-I can't remember.

'Sir, there are numerous Sloanes in the Watford area.

'Do you have a first name?'

No, I don't have a first name. It's Sloane.

Do you hear me? Sloane!

'Sir, we do not take kindly to nuisance calls

'and will not hesitate to discontinue your service

'if you choose to make a habit of this.'

Oh, well. What's the worst that can happen?

Who wants another round?

And are you still looking for full-time employment? Yes, yeah.

So, do you ever get high? High? (Marijuana.)

No.

My mind has a mind of its own.

I got him that job interview. You'll give him a black coffee,

and drag his formidable bum up there right away.

Are you OK? How fast are we going?

Are you all right, Mr Sloane?

Yes, absolutely fine.

Would it be crazy if I told you I think I love you?

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