All language subtitles for Modern Love (2021)

So you're a guitar player than mate?

Yeah.
Professional?

I'd like to think so.

Though, I'm not exactly the next Jack White
the way it's going.

I used to play.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. Punk band.
We were called the 'Silly Sods'.

Bloody terrible, but the best time of my life.

You never tried to go professional?

Nah. Too much integrity.
I didn't want any of that crap.

Became a Cabbie instead.
Figure I changed the world one day at a time.

What kind of music do you play?

I play a bit of rock, a bit of pop, some folk...

A bit of everything.

I tend to do covers at the moment.
You know what the punters want.

Some god awful shit.

I'm still a massive punk fan me.

It's not the most technical, and it can be just noise,
but it's got guts to it!

Did you ever like Bowie?

Bowie mate, that fella was one of a kind.

I don't care what all those musicologists out there say.

He was everything musical put into a human. Such a legend.

You know he lived near me in Brixton when I was a kid.

Never saw or knew him, but makes right pride that.

Cheesy to say 'Modern Love' is my favourite track.

Everybody goes on about that and this song, but...

'Modern Love' man, it's a flawless song to me.

Gets me to the church on time.

Exactly.

Did you ever see the film 'Mauvais Sang'?

Never heard of it.
Let me guess, it's French.

Yeah. Yeah it's a great film. It was by Leos Carax.

He made that film with Kylie Minogue in it.

Can't say I've seen it mate.
It's not a musical is it? I bloody hate that stuff.

People getting up and singing like nitwits.
I don't know about you, but I've never seen people do that.

What's it about?

Well... Basically it's about society,
youth, injustice, love.

Anyway, one of the things I love about 'Mauvais Sang'
is there's this scene where...

Denis Lavant hears a song dedicated to him on the radio.

And he runs along this street.

And the track playing is 'Modern Love'.

Ahhh. You're favourite track.
Sounds like a nice little film.

I wouldn't use 'nice', but it's good.

The thing I like about it is the way it shows you love.

It shows it at it's most simple, and happy.

Like do a cart wheel because you are in love.

I will have to check it out.

You got a girlfriend, or a... boyfriend?

I have a girl who doesn't see me as anything
other than a guy she's mates with.

Hmmm. Been there.

Always fun when you are basicly furniture
to a girl and blend in.

Yeah. I figure I'm taking the long route.
I'll tell her in 5 years when it's too late.

You know mate, no offence,
sounding like some silly fucker driving a cab...

...sees kids like you all the time all over London.

Looking like you have been slapped
by a dead fish twice around your mouth.

You really have to see things as they are
when it comes to love.

Love is a massive, wonderful, painful, silly, frantic,
tragic, crazy mad and above all beautiful thing.

You only moan about when you don't have it,
never when you do.

I get what you mean. I think.

Or as my wife says, "The one you love is the one that annoys
you least and you can stand".

I love my Brenda.

Well...

I thought about trying to write a song.
Try and tell her.

Sounds lame.

Writing a song for your girl, mate, that's awesome.

I've never done it myself, but if someone was
write a song about me, I would be well into them.

I wish someone would
write me a song.

That's...

15 quid mate.

No extra for the words of wisdom?

No. That's free.

Words of wisdom from Derek your Cabbie
comes with a badge.

But...

All out of badges.

Reckon I should tell that girl I like her?

Of course.

But eh... maybe not with cartwheels.

Just words.

L'endroit est parfait,
j'ai juste besoin de trouver un boulot maintenant;

c'est pas une bonne
idée de compter sur lui.

Il est genial, il l'est, vraiment.

So, what'd she say about me?

That would be too easy.

And we never learn with easy?

Pour maintainent, je dois me l'douche.

Je fais du jogging.

Je vais au travail en train

Je t'adore trop.

Merci Olivier, tu es
vraiment un ange.

C'est rassurant de trouver quelqu'un d'autre
qui parle francais au boulot.

Who's Olivier?

Um.

He's a guy at work.

Really helps when I don't understand
certain things at work.

Well...

Don't rely upon him you know,
your English won't get better.

What?

Like your French, you mean?

Touche.

Ca commence a etre la routine.

On se reveille, on va bosser,
on revient a la maison, on dine.

Ton baise et apres dormir.

J'ai baison.

II est juste un bon ami.

Bon, je dois y aller ciao.

J'ai un frere et deux soeurs.

You look nice.

I'm late. What's up?

Have fun.

Stop it John.

Hi, this is John from Music Media Minefield.

And today, rather talking to you about
the usual subject of music,

I am going to talk to you about online dating.

Yes, that's right.

I've decided to put myself on the market
and get into online dating.

It's been a while since I've had a relationship.

The last relationship I had lasted for about 4 years.

So it was a long term relationship.

And umm... obivously I've been single for a while now.

So thought I would put myself out there
and I would share it with you to see how I get on.

I've set up a few rules for this.

First of all, I'm going to be completely honest
about everything.

So I'm going to be honest about what I do for a living.

I'm only going to use photographs of me
that were taken within the last 6 months.

So a true depiction of who I am
and what I look like.

And I'm not going to be using any silly,
or sexualised usernames.

You know like BigOne47 or anything like that.

So I'm going to go by the name John,
but to make it a username...

We all know that I'm a big James Bond fan,
as most guys are, so I'm going to be John007.

The site that I'm actually using for this
is a site called "London Dating".

My good friend Paul used this a few years ago,
and found the relationship that he's currently in.

And very happy in.

So I know he had some success with that,
so I thought I would give it a whirl.

Here it is.

Ok. So there's my profile page that I have set up.

It's got a little bit of information about myself.

As I said all of it correct.

A few photos. Obivously the main photo here.

Me in a pair of shorts stood on a mountain, because
you know it's rude not to use a photo like that, obivously.

But as I said, I think it truly looks like I do.

So I'm going to give it a whirl and see whose out there.

And I will keep you updated as to my progress.

Hey there. It's John again.

Ok, I'm coming back to you on the dating mission.

I have here on my tablet the London Dating app.

And, err...

The way it works is I got my information in there.

And I can simply... it's like online shopping almost.

I swipe right if I see a lady that I like.
And left if I'm not interested.

And it's as simple as that really.

I had to put in a few things.

First of all I had to put in an age range.

So I've set an age range of girls no more than
7 years younger than me up to my current age.

So you simply go through it and swipe right.

Oh yes. Absolutely.

Right if you like what you see.

And, oh yeah no, left if you don't.

No thank you.

Because your not speaking to any of these people,
and there's no sort of emotions or anything involved.

It is as brutal as that really.

You can just be as blunt and
shallow as you want to be about it.

And it's purely based on whether you
like the look of them from their photos.

If you want to see more photos...

On mine I got half a dozen photos, also, of myself.

You can look and find more pictures,
and more information about them as well.

Sort of what they do for a living, etc.

The other thing I have set on here is a

"I'm looking for ladies within in a 5 mile
radius of where I'm currently am".

So umm...

So, and there is a lot of choice here, like wow, okay.

Yes.

Oh definitely.

Yep.

No.

No.

Ahh. That's so weird.

What is this thing where girls do a moustache
and do this?

What is that all about? I don't quite get that.

Kinda puts me off a bit, really, but...

I suppose it's no different than the equivalant
of me stood in my shorts on a mountain top.

But hey.

So, emm, yes. I'm just going to carry on
flicking through these.

As I said it's right if I like, left if I don't.

If I get a match, it lets me know,
and I can start a conversation.

So, umm....

But there is... there's quite
a bit to choose from here, so...

I'm just going to get on with this,
and let you know how I get on.

Yes.

Oh yes.

Nope.

Nope.

So what do you think?

Eh?

Boozer! What'd you think?

It's alright.

Alright? It could do with a lick of paint,

but you wait until I give it some new fixtures and fittings.

Getting new curtains, new carpet, a pool table.

Definitely getting a pool table.

But the whole thing's mine.

I can't believe you put all your money into it.

This place has got a lot of potential.

Anyway, beats working at that bloody supermarket.

How is the old dump?

Same as usual.

Sue still giving everybody hell is she?

No.

Not at all.

What?

She only got herself fired.

You're kidding me.

Nope. Saw it with my own two eyes.

What did they sack her for?

They caught her with her fingers in the till.

Stealing?

According to Steve, she's been doing it for ages.

They even escorted her out of the building with security.

Christ! I wish I've been there to see that.

It was great!

She was crying and everything.

Made me feel sorry for her.

Just a little bit.

Well, I guess Karma really does jump up
and bite you on the arse.

Here.

Cheers.

Expecting an important call are you?

No.

You've been staring at that bloody thing
the whole time I was at the bar.

I'm waiting for a phone call from Angela.

Angela?

Whose she, like you're girlfriend?

That's right.

Split up have you?

No. Nothing like that.

What then?

We had an argument

Oh aye.

I went round to her house last night.

She cooked me dinner. Spagbowl, my favouite.

Then we watched Love Actually, not my favourite.

Then we went upstairs and did you know.

So what's the problem?

She told me she loved me.

And?

And nothing.

Nothing?
- I didn't say anything.

She got mad and kicked me out.

Jason, here's a piece of advice mate.

If a girl says she loves you,
you tell her you love her back.

But it didn't feel right.

Didn't feel right!

How long have you been together?

6 months.

So it's serious then!

Yeah, of course we are.

So what's the problem?

She took me by surprise. I had plans.

Plans.

I was going to take Angela up the Effiel Tower

Oi! Kinky!

Fuck off!

I mean the Effiel Tower in Paris.

I was going to tell her on top of the
Effiel Tower on Valentine's Day.

You sure you don't like Love Actually.

Fuck off!

Can't a man be romantic?

Course he can.

But why wait?

It's something I wanted to do for a long time

and when Angela came along I wanted to do it with her.

Listen mate.
Save all that shit for the marriage proposal.

All she needs to know right now that you love her.

Do you love her?

Course I do.

Then tell her.

It don't have to be fancy, just let her know.

I still like the idea of Paris.

I could book it tomorrow...
- Forget about bloody Paris!

Ring her!

Let her know!

Why?

You never met Julia, did you?

Julia?

Why would you, it was years ago!

She's the love of my life.

Always remember how her face
would light up everytime she smiled.

I had plans... like you!

I wanted to make a grand gesture.

I wanted to do it in a fancy restaurant.

Saved up all my wages and booked a table at The Ivy.

I wanted to do all right, you know, with the champagne

and the chocolates and the flowers and the whole thing.

I'd wait until the moment was right
and I would tell her I loved her,

and she would be mine forever.

Sounds great, man.

What happened?

You know I sat in that restaurant all night
and she never turned up.

Bitch!

I found out later that she'd been run down by a taxi.

Killed!

Oh.

So sorry.

One minute she was on her way to the restaurant
and the next...

Funny really.

She was always very careful about crossing the road.
It was one of her things.

"Wait for the green man, Tom!"

Her mum phoned me the next day to give me the bad news.

And you know what the worse thing was?

What?

I hated her.

I'd gone through all that trouble with the restaurant
and the flowers and the chocolates and...

And I hated her.

She was in the hospital dying.

Never did tell her I loved her.

I could of done.

All those times we were together I could of said it
and I never.

Now I never will.

Hi Angela!

I'm sorry about last night.

Hi, this is John. Ok, I coming to you
with a bit of an update.

Little bit of progress, in fact, because
I've been texting a young lady online.

And, err, we... This is going to be my first date.
My first date since I started this.

So... I'm quite excited, but, err, as you can
also imagine a little bit nervous as well.

Because it's the first time I've ever done this.

But, umm, will see how it goes.

I've tried to smarten up my act a little bit.

You know, just to try to make a good first impression here.

She has actually invited me to her apartment for this.

In fact, I think I'm approching that now. So...

I will sign off here, and I will report back
and let you know how I get on.

Err...

Well.

That was really weird!

I feel rather disturbed, so...

I felt like I needed to talk to someone about this,
so I thought I'd make a recording for you guys.

So that didn't really go the way I wanted.

Umm.

When I last left you I was about to go into
the nice London apartment...

...of the young lady I was due to meet.

And I get there, ring on the bell...

...and this guy answers.

Ok!

Didn't say who he was or anything.

Umm...

And I asked if she was there and he said,
"yeah yeah come on in".

Kind of an odd chap.

He was wearing like a track suit and stuff.

And err...

We sat there.

And we just sorta waited and waited and...

You know he said, "Oh she's just getting ready.
Don't worry about it".

Umm...

He didn't offer me a drink or anything like that, but...

...he did roll a joint. And asked me if I wanted one.

I said no thank you. That's not really my bag, thanks.

But he went ahead and smoked his anyway.

Umm...

And I just got a really, really weird vibe.

And really uncomfortable vibe.

And this just went on. I mean we...

...we just chit-chated a bit of small talk. Nothing err...

...nothing really revealing about anything.

And err...

So basically, I'd just...

I'd just ended up making my excuses
and getting the hell out of there.

Because that felt really weird.

So, I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

Umm...

Yeah, I don't know.

Pretty disappointed.

I mean, I almost feel like it was some sort of scam
and there wasn't a girl there at all.

But I don't know. I don't know what was going on, but...

...a bit disappointing as it was my first date,
as it were with this.

Umm...

Not the way I wanted, so.

Huh.

I feel a bit disturbed, so I thought
I would share it with you.

Anyway.

That was fucking really weird!

I want a divorce.

Ok.

Hello. Me again.

So I thought I would give you another update.

Following the disastrous date last week.

Moved on from that.
Put that behind me.

And I jumped straight back in.
I got back on the bike as they say.

And I've been using the app and
been chatting with some other ladies.

On here.

There's one, there's one girl I really like the look of.

And I've been...

...messaging backwards and forth.

And I'm really keen to meet.

And hopefully we will be meeting some time
in the next few days.

So I'm looking forward to that, but!

I've also been contacted, and...

Umm...

I'm in sorta two minds as to whether
I should respond or not.

Because I already got this date set up.

I don't know.

I don't know. Many of you may be screaming
at the screen now saying,

"well go out with both of them! Try both!".

But I don't know whether it's the way
I was brought up, or what,

but the gentlemanly side of me feels like
as I already got a date almost set with n0.1 girl.

Which is the one that I chose!

That I should go on that,

and I still don't know whether I should make
contact with the girl that got in touch with me.

So while I spend time deciding that,
I will obviously give you an update in due course.

So explain this.

What we have here...
- Ahem.

The total sum of all these resources here.

And the filters end at the bottom.
- Right

And what we have here will show the amount
we have to put up at the top.

What about this one was to come back over here then?

Yep. We can do that...

Do you not realise how important this dealine is?

We've been working on this project for months!

I'm sorry. I have just received the good news.

I'm pregnant. I'm 3 weeks pregnant.

You know I just wanted to share the good news.

Ok. I understand that it's very exciting time for you.

But this is a place of work. It's not a cafe!

So, congratulations that you are pregnant

But please keep it down while you're working!

We can't have that attitude in the office!
Do you understand?

I am under huge stress.

I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that we made too much noise,

but I just wanted to express the good news.

Well, you can express the good news on your lunch hour.

I don't want any more laughter in the office.

We have to work, and we have to concentrate.

You understand?

Yes.

Fine.

Hello, Harmony Clinic. How can I help you?

I would like to make an appointment please?

The earliest appointment is Tuesday.

That's fine.

Tuesday's fine!

Ok. So we have discussed your options,

and you have decided to go ahead with the abortion.

We're going to use what's know
as the Mifepristone treatment.

This is 2 tablets.

This pill here gives you the miscarriage.

And this pill flushes your system.

Ok?

Ok.

Have a look through this tonight.

And tomorrow morning, as I said, we will get
togther go through the final arrangements.

Sort it out.

Yeah, alright.

Alright. Good night. Thank you.

I'm not coming in today.
I'm not feeling well.

I haven't seen you like this forever.

Baby, what is it?

Oh mum.

Mum, I did something really bad.

What've you done?

Oh mum.
- Come, come on.

Just take a big breathe.

You're alright are you? You're not ill?

Come on. You're frightening me now.

Right, mum...

Mum, I had...

I had... I got rid of a baby, mum.

Oh mum. Don't look at me like that.

It's alright. It's fine. It's alright.

Oh mum.

Alright, alright.

Shhhhhh.

Alright baby.

How far gone were you?

7 weeks.

Ok.

Whose the dad?

Nobody mum. Just nobody.

What like... like a one night stand?

Yeah.

I just feel disgusting.

I feel utterly disgusting.

You're not.

It's the last thing you are.

You're being a responsible adult.

Oh mum I missed you.

I miss you too poppet.

Been so busy. I'm always so busy.

Well...

Maybe it's time for a change, huh?

You've got your life set up. You got career set up.

Maybe.

I just feel sick.

Well you're hormones are everywhere
at the minute, aren't they?

I feel empty inside, as well.
It's such a strange feeling.

Can't believe I just did that!

Didn't even talk to you about it.
I just went ahead and like, did it!

Just like I always do!

Oh mum!

Well it's worked for you in the past honey, hasn't it?

Going your own way.

I just feel like a terrible person.

No. You're not a terrible person.

You've had to make a very very difficult decision.

Oh mum.

I'm so sorry.

No, you don't need me to forgive you.
You need to forgive yourself.

Yeah?

I'll try.

Yeah. You need to look in that mirror
and know that's it okay.

Won't be you only chance to be a mum.

I hope not mum.

I want grandchildren, you know that.

You supply them at some point.

Just not yet.
- OK.

And maybe it's important this has happened, hey.

So you really know what you really want.

I just feel strange, you know.

Love you mum.

Hi there. It's John from Music Media Minefield.

I'm just checking in with you again.

Last time, obviously, I had that odd situation
where I went for a date,

and when I turned up the young lady
wasn't actually there.

Which was weird!

So a little bit of time has passed since then.

I've been looking online,
I've matched with a few girls.

But annoyingly there are one or two that I matched with,
and they immediately deleted me.

Which I think is a bit odd!

Why match someone in the first place,
but hey ho!

But anyway, I've now found another girl online.

And we decided we'll meet in public somewhere.

We're going to meet for a meal,
hence why we're in Chinatown.

Chinese meal, obviously.

And umm...

Yeah, she seems really nice.

We've messaged backwards and forwards.

It all seems good.

I really like her profile.

So umm....

I'm feeling quite optomistic about this one.

It might be...

It might be a better situation.

Plus, I'm actually looking forward to
having a chinese meal in here.

I'll let you know how I get on and report back afterwards,
but wish me luck.

Oh dear! Ok!

I'm kinda of fed up now, really.

Where do I begin?

So...

I had my meal.

Umm.

My date. And...

Oh it's just been a...

It's just been a terrible evening really.

The meal was good, but...

Ahh...

I don't know how to say this really,

without coming across as really shallow. But...

When I...

When I started this I said,

right from the beginning that...

I was going to use pictures that represented me now.

Yeah, so...

They were going to be recent photos.

They weren't going to be,

you know, like professionally taken...

...headshots or anything like that.

They were just going to be snapshots, selfies, or whatever.

And you know...

I've kinda gone into this assuming...

....that everybody I meet this way

is going to follow the same rule.

But I met with this girl this evening,

and she looked absolutely nothing like...

...her photographs what so ever.

You know,

I think they were probably taken like a decade ago.

Or more.

And I know that's,

I know that's going to make me sound terrible now, because

it makes it sound like I'm basing everything on looks.

But that's kinda...

That's kinda what you do with this sorta

swipe left, swipe right thing,

is you go for people you are attracted to, right?

This was so bad when I got into the restaurant,

she was already there and err...

I was looking around and she ended up waving at me

to come meet her at the table.

So, I didn't even recognise her.

But I mean...

Not even just about looks.

There was no chemistry, there was no spark.

Umm...

At all!

And I'm not saying it was all from me.

I think...

I think she probably feels the same as well.

I get the impression...

You know we just weren't right for each other,

and we won't be seeing each other again.

But I like to think that...

Hopefully I represented what I showed online.

Where as she really didn't!

So as I said there was no spark, no chemistry.

Ahhhhh.

I'm not really sure if this online dating thing is for me.

Because, umm...

You know I've had one situation with a none show.

I've had this that didn't work tonight.

I've had people match me and then delete me.

Before we even had a text conversation, or certainly met.

Umm.

So I'm not sure really if

this is the way for me to meet anyone.

So yeah, I'm really kinda fed up really,

because this is 2 strikes now, in a row.

Yeah, I'm not sure it's for me.

I have got the...

I have got the one other girl,

that I mentioned that contacted me.

But at this stage, how I'm feeling right now in this moment,

I'm not even sure whether...

...whether I'm going to follow through, follow up with that.

I really don't know.

Umm...

Yeah.

Online.

Anyway, I've got, I've got nothing else.

Err...

Positive to say, unfortunately, but umm...

I'll give it a day or two,

see how I feel, I will check in with you again, but umm...

I'm not sure this is the way to find true love.

Her name was Julia.

I first met her at my friend's party.

She seemed lovely enough.

I made a joke.

I made one of my usual jokes that no one gets,
and she laughed.

She found it funny.

So I told her another one and she laughed at it.

I tired a third and she laughed again.

Three for three.

That's when I really noticed her.

We became friends fast.

Always hanging out with each other.

She would tell me her problems and I listen.

We had a similar taste in music and films.

We could talk about Elton John for hours.

I would ask her something serious
and she would break in with sex talk.

The things this woman would say
and wanted to do.

I couldn't believe my ears.

She would make me blush.

At the same time I wanted to do them.

I started to realise that I was falling for this girl.

Didn't know if she felt the same way?

I was going to tell her how I felt.

I had the words figured out.

She'd something she wanted to tell me.

I let her go first.

She'd met a man!

And she was madly in love with him.

The Earth fell from under my feet.

She asked me what I wanted to tell her.

I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth,
so I made up some lie.

She was so happy.

I didn't want to ruin her day.

So I kept it to myself.

Julia started hanging out with her new boyfriend.

My friend Stuart.

Bastard!

She would invite me out but...

I always had an excuse.

I couldn't bare to be in the same room as them.

Seeing Stuart with his hands all over her.

Should be my hands there, not his!

So angry with myself.

Why didn't I tell her?

Guess her happiness was more important than mine.

Now it's killing me!

After a while the phonecalls from Julia stopped.

I was able to move on with my life.

I met another girl, but it didn't work out.

We didn't have the same chemistry as Julia and me.

I couldn't stop comparing her to Julia.

Sharon got fed up of it and she left me.

Tell you the truth I didn't care.

I still couldn't stop thinking about Julia.

Then one day my phone rang.

The caller I.D. read Julia.

I didn't want to pick it up.

I let it go straight to voicemail.

I should never of listened to it!

I should of erased it and moved on!

But like an idiot I listened to it.

Julia sounded distressed.

She wanted me to call her back.

I phoned straight away.

Stuart had been cheating on her...

...with one of her friends and
she didn't know who to turn to.

As she spilled her soul out to me,
my heart grew! It grew with hope!

Hope that me and Julia could get back together again!

That there could be a relationship! Love!

She wanted to meet at her place.

I couldn't sleep the night before.

My head spun with possiblities.

Scenarios. Kissing. Fucking. Everything I ever wanted.

Me and Julia!

I arrived at her house with a spring in my step.

I hadn't been this happy in who knows when.

I brought some wine to lighten up the mood.

I bounded up to the door and rang the doorbell.

The door opened and Julia was standing there.

She was so happy to see me.

A lot had happened since the last time we saw each other.

We drank lots of wine.

It was a good time.

Until she brought up her ex.

She started to cry as she described how she found out about
his betrayal.

I saw my chance.

This was my moment to show her how I felt.

I gave her a hug.

Which she returned.

Then I lifted my head...

...and kissed her.

Nothing!

No return!

She pushed me away!

I told her that I loved her!

That I always loved her!

She looked horrified.

How could I do this to her?

Come her and take advantage of her!

I tried to explain, but she ordered me out.

I said I would do anything to show her how
much I loved her, but she didn't want to know.

All I could hear was the words "I don't love you!"

I didn't know what to do after that?

I walked for a while.

The scene running through my head all the time.

I forgot all the good things she said.

All I could see was the bad.

She didn't love me.

I never consider suicide until that moment.

I could jump into this river and it would all be over!

I wouldn't have to feel this pain in my heart.

I didn't do it.

Guess I didn't have the balls.

I was depressed for a long time.

But the hope that one day that I would meet
someone who was as great...

...as funny as Julia kept me going.

But really.

I know now there could never been anything between us.

I do hope she's fucking miserable though!

Bitch!

Hi John! What's up?

Hey Paul! Yeah, umm...

How are you?

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm good. You know.

Just busy finishing up a few bits and pieces.

Right.

Yeah. Ok. Well I...

Just calling, err...

I wanted a bit of advice really, to be honest.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. I'm just...

Oh mate. I'm just feeling...

Really kinda over this, this whole
online dating thing. Already!

And I know I haven't been doing it for very long.

Oh really! So this is the blog you have been putting online.

Yes!

Yeah. Obviously you've seen that, but err...

Of course, yes.

Yeah. I mean, I've only been on a couple
of dates through it.

But they haven't exactly worked out very well.

And umm...

Yeah! I'm kinda of...

I thought I'd ring you, as you're the success story,
to find out what I am doing wrong.

So okay. So from what I understand
with the last 2 girls that you saw...

...girl / guy.

That...

Did you just go, like, you contacted them and
they contacted you, and you just arranged to meet?

Yeah!

Prety much, yeah.

No messaging or texting or emailing?

A little bit. I mean, you know,
just a few questions backwards and forwards.

And then, you know, I kinda said,
"Well, do you want to meet?"

And we made those arrangements.

So yeah, there wasn't a lot of, you know,
text chat beforehand. It was...

It was just you know a basic...

You know, you know, a few questions and then went for it.

So, I mean, I was just glad, you know,
after there had been so many that

had started a conversation
and then immediately kinda deleted me. Yeah!

That I was just glad that these ones agreed to meet!

So, yeah, but obviously the first one wasn't there and the
second one, well...

Yes. You've heard that story.

Yeah.

Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, I'm still laughing about that one.

Look, I mean...

The thing was, me and my partner, umm...

She...

She contacted me and we talked to each other back
and forth through, err, messages through the app.

And then emails, and text messages.

And every time the messages would get longer
and longer and longer.

And so when we did meet we already had a relationship.

We, you know, we knew what each others likes were.

We already had some great conversations,
you know, via text, via email.

So...

We already had somewhere to start.

So, you know, you meet them in the flesh...

...you have things to talk about, because you already been
talking.

And this is...

...what relationships are about.

You know they're about communication,
about talking to each other.

Maybe, I'm being too impatient.

And trying to sorta rush this.

Maybe. I don't know, but I just been, you know...

I just was feeling pretty down about it all.

And I thought, you know, who do I know that this
has worked out well for.

And how long have you guys been together now?

5 years now.

5 years! My God. It's been that long?

Yep!

There is another one...

that's contacted me.

Ok.

And err...

She seems really nice. I like her pictures, etc.

She's calling herself...

She's going by an alias, so she is calling herself
MiladyDeWinter.

Umm...

Which I obviously, I kinda like that,
just because of the literary reference.

Umm...

And err...

But maybe before I meet her I should, you know,
talk to her a bit more online.

Well yeah, I mean, at the end of the day there is no harm.

And...

If it works out, it's great.

And if it don't work out, well you know, just keep trying.

I mean online dating is just one form of meeting people.

There are other ways.

Yeah! Maybe I'll give it another shot.

- Yeah.
- Exactly

But we should catch up soon, face-to-face anyway.

Yes. Yes. It's about time we had a drink.

Exactly. Go for a beer or something.

Or who knows, maybe it will even be
a double date thing, right?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Alright, well thanks mate, you've made me feel
slightly better about all of this.

I just needed to bounce it off someone
and make sure I wasn't going crazy.

So umm...

Yeah.

I'm not crazy. Thank you doctor.

That will be 10 pounds please.

Next round is on me.

See you soon.

Alright. Take care.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hi, it's Eliska. Leave a message.

Are you still wondering about what
that weird stain is on the ceiling?

No.

Hmm.

I was wondering where you learn that trick
where you swivel your hips?

Oh.

That trick!

A lady never reveals her secrets.

You liked it?

Not really,

You're awful.

I know.

But you love it.

Do you do what we do with your husband?

Mike!

We agreed. We don't talk about the others. Remember?

Yep. Sorry. I just had a thought. Said it, didn't think.

Eliska?

Yes Mike.

Why do you stay with him?

I don't know.

Habit, I guess.

Why do you stay with Susan?

Not sure.

She's just this person to me now. I don't know her.

It's becoming a bit too real.

Come on, you know what I mean.
You feel the same about Han.

It's just so... habitual

Keep doing it.

It's about time we did something.

Something tragic.

You're not talking what I think you're talking about.

Right?

Because Mike if you are, I mean...

No, forget it.

I am saying what you think I'm saying.

I want to be with you.

I want to be more than mister cheap hotel on a Friday night.

Well?

Well what?

We could do it.

We could be together. You can leave Han.
I can leave Susan. We'll be together.

You're not kidding?

No. I'm serious.

For what you do with those hips,

serious as anything!

Ok. Ok so...

...let's say I leave Han and you leave Susan.

And we be together.

Properly.

Like really together.

Yeah.

Us as a couple.

Yeah, right!

Eliska?

Would you leave your husband for me?

I would leave my wife for you.

We could live together.

And do all the things we wanted to do.

Think about it. It'll be amazing.
All the sex we could have, whenever we want.

Sex?

Yeah, but, you know, what about the other stuff?

What about the rest?

You know we can't live in your camper van.

Be on the road, and live off the land.

Change your name to Swampy and me Swampette.

We can do it.

I want you.

You want me.

Think about it. It will be amazing.

I mean it.

We'll meet here next week.

We'll start our new lives together.

You leave Han.

And I'll leave Susan.

We could move to South America

We could get jobs there easily.

We get a nice little place by the sea.

We could have sex on the beach.

We could own a beach.

Start our lives together.

Yes! Fuck it! Let's do this!

I've never been to South America
and I've never had sex on the beach, so...

So?

So I spoke to Han...

And?

I told him that I'm leaving him.

I was so worried.

I couldn't reach you.
I tried, but it kept going to voicemail.

I was in a rush.

I must of left my phone at home.

But I'm here now.

How did it go with Susan?

Oh!

Was it really bad?

Mike?

You did tell her, didn't you?

I tried.

But, Susan has had a really bad week at work.

Her mum's been ill.

We got this massive credit card bill through, and...

And...

No, I didn't.

You didn't?

But...

I thought last week we...

What?

I was going to tell her.

Truly, I was.

But it just didn't seem like the right time.

I didn't want to kick her when she's down.

I didn't want to be the mean bastard.

You're already a mean bastard!

You've been cheating on her for 10 months, Mike.

If you told her at least you would
of been an honest bastard.

I'm sorry. I'll straighten it out next month,
when it's all sorted.

I'll tell her then.

Plus she's got this really weird
hormonal thing at the moment.

She's been all itching and...

I don't want to hear about her itchy fanny, okay!

It's her armpit, actually!

Her fanny's fine.

I've left my husband.

I've left my husband.

I...

...know.

He called me a whore.

And he said that he never wants to see me again!

Hey.

What are you doing?

I just thought that would help take your mind off it all.

That usually works.

NO!

I've left my husband!

I've basically made myself homeless!

I have 2 suitcases outside in my car and that's all I have!

Every one of my friends thinks I'm a skanky whore!

And you want to play hanky panky with me now!

Yeah.

YOU FUCKING MORON!

That's a bit harsh.

HARSH?

You were suppose to leave your wife!

And we were suppose to be together!

But no, no! You had to grow a conscious after 10 months!

Worry about poor old Susan!

She's not old! She's your age!

That's not the point, Mike!

You let me leave Han, and you didn't stop me!

I was going... I was going to tell you.

I was going to tell you, but I thought you
would prefer to do this in person.

Imagine doing this over email. That's so impersonal!

Yeah!

Fucking mental is that.
- Exactly.

I was being sarcastic, you idiot!

Ok! I'm sorry!

Sorry?
- But Eliska your free.

Your not with Han any more!
You can do whatever you want to do!

Yeah! Really?
- Yeah!

You could do a course. One of those online things.

You can... take up a new hobby.

You could start doing a belly dancing class.

A course.

Online.

Belly dancing.

I could take up pole dancing, huh?

I could start up a whole new career.

Oh yeah. Exactly.

YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

To think half an hour ago I was willing to
spend the rest of my life with you!

Come on Eliska, I know things are stressful right now,
but in a few weeks things will be better. You'll see.

We'll get into a routine.

A routine?

Are you kidding me?

You were never going to leave her.

YOU TOTALLY BOLLOCKING BASTARD!

You know I never really realised how much you swear, Eliska.

My God!

I left my marriage of 6 years for a toad like you!

I don't know who is the bigger twit?
You, or me?

Eliska, you weren't happy.

This was for the best.

And you'll see...
- NO!

No! You say anything else!

I don't want to hear anymore from you!

Ok?

Ok!

Well...

We could just have sex. I promise I won't say a thing.

Mike!

That's it!

I'm leaving now!

Whatever this was, it's over!

You're the biggest bastard I've ever known!

And I pity your poor wife!

And you know what else, Mike?

What?

You know the thing I said was normal?

It's not!

It's bloody weird!

Ok, so I just got back from my date with MiladyDeWinter,
as she calls herself.

And she was lovely!

The date couldn't of gone better to be perfectly honest.

She was everything that she said she'd be, in terms of,
you know, the texts we had backwards and forwards.

And the photographs, and all that. In fact she looked
much better than her photograph, to be perfectly honest.

She's gorgeous!

The date went amazing.
We ended up going for dinner together.

It was quite fun, because she'd only been
on a couple of dates previously herself.

And...

Hence why she took a while to sorta actually meet me,
even though she was the one who made contact.

Umm, she told me...

She told me a story about the fact that
when she first started meeting guys online...

Her name, MiladyDeWinter...

She loved the fact that I got the
"The Three Musketeers" literary reference.

But apparently a lot of people thought that
it meant she was into leather.

So in other words, they thought she was a Dominatrix.

She, you know, we had a good laugh about that.

But yeah, conversation flowed.

She was into the same stuff as me.

I was quite pleased that she actually said
that I was who I appeared to be.

Which I was a bit taken back by.

But she said that what she meant by that was everything
that I said, as I stated at the beginning, was true.

And I look like my photos, apparently.

In fact she even said at one point,
and I couldn't believe this,

she said that I was too good to be true.

Which err...

Wow! I was like wow, okay!

You got me! Too good to be true! That's...

And she was too good to be true also.

We are going to see each other again.

And this might well be the last video that I do on this.

Because, errr, I was incredibly skeptical
bout online dating, when I started this.

It's been an interesting journey.

But, err, I would now recommend online dating
to anyone, because it works.

And I have now found somebody that I am really happy with.

And I want to continue seeing.

So, umm...

Yeah, I guess there's a happy ending
to this story after all.

Yeah.

I've been thinking about writing this song for you

All these years been hiding in the corner of the same old
room

Travelling all alone I feel the shadows of your soul and I
know

All the roads lead back to you

I've been trying to find meaning in these words today

I've told myself over and over that I shouldn't feel this
way

I tried to bury every single word that I know I should never
say

But I'll say it any way

I love you

Lord knows that I do

If only you knew

The way I feel about you

So I put these words down on a page

Feelings they won't go away

Because I love you

Maybe you could love me too

I've been thinking about leaving this old town

Every time I walk away
I feel my heart is chained to the ground

Gravity of you is so strong I feel I'll never fly away

But I found my wings today

I love you

Lord knows that I do

If only you knew

The way I feel about you

So I put these words down on a page

Feelings they won't go away

Because I love you

Maybe you could love me too

Maybe you could love me too

Maybe you could love me too