Original subtitles

[bell rings]

- Good show. - You too, bud.

- Yes, it was.

We've already gotten some great feedback

on that "Five Stars to Watch" segment.

Nice work. - Oh, good.

I thought people might be mad

when they found out we meant astronomy stars.

- [chuckles]

- Honestly, I didn't even realize

what we were talking about until the end of the segment.

- Tomorrow we have that donut taste test

and then Katt Williams' brother Paul is bringing in his cat

who looks like his brother.

- Again?

Mika, where do you find this garbage?

Do you just turn off your spam filter

or are these just, like, random DMs?

- Is it in the DMs? [laughter]

[clears throat] Come on, Pam.

Stop being so mean. - What?

- Mika's just giving the people what they want.

She knows that they love this stuff.

- Thank you.

And Friday, we shoot that piece about that waiter

who can only walk backwards.

- Oh, now, you know what?

I'm actually excited to check that out.

- At Millie's Counter. - Ooh, love that place.

- Uh, I'm sorry.

I didn't--I didn't know that that was at Millie's Counter.

- Yeah, is that a problem?

- No, I don't want to do that. We're gonna slip it.

- What? Kenan, why?

- Um, because.

Pam has a point.

You know, our segments are getting too soft.

- No, I was just messing around.

We can't skip Millie's.

Their crab cakes make me horny.

- All right.

- Plus, you just said that that's what the people want.

- I did, didn't I? - Mm-hmm.

- But it's what they want

because we're not offering them anything better.

We gotta stop spoon-feeding the masses

and challenge them with hard news.

- Kenan, I worked in hard news for ten years

and it's a miserable life.

- But it's important.

I mean, how else are people gonna find out

that they got lead in their water?

Or a councilman is trading city permits

for Rascal Flatts tickets.

- Hold up. I missed a Flatts show?

- I knew you'd like stuff like that.

- Mm. - Okay, look, Kenan.

What is really going on here?

- Enlightenment, Mika. I mean, come on.

Be honest with yourself.

Don't you ever get embarrassed

by all this dumb stuff we cover?

Don't you think we can do better?

♪ I think we can all do better together ♪

- Mm. - Bye!

- You wanna get some crab cakes?

- What? - Yeah.

[funky upbeat music]

♪

- Uh, bro. What's going on, man?

Mika said you was throwing a fit

about going to Millie's Counter

'cause you wanna be

a serious news guy now?

How, sir?

You don't even know

all the damn states.

- Excuse me. I knowall the good ones.

- There's one good one.

Florida. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, so this has nothing to do with the fact

that Millie's Counter was Cori's favorite restaurant?

- Was it? [sputters] Huh.

I'm not too familiar with that restaurant.

- Really?

Because you have their barbecue sauce in your hand right now.

- What? Look at--

how did this even get in here?

Man, I have no idea.

- Yeah-huh you do.

Mom used to steal a bottle every time we went to Millie's.

- Yeah, well, if they soldthe sauce,

then she wouldn't have

to steal it, all right?

You shouldn't call your mothera thief.

- Whoa, okay.- I'm sorry.

I don't know where all that came from.

- It was all in the throat, too.

- Wow, I had no idea Cori had that same outlaw streak as me.

- Okay, hey, hey,

let's just be careful with this, all right?

We only got 21 bottles left.

- 21? That's a lot of bottles.

- But look, I'm makingprogress, right?

I talked about Mom on the show.

So there's one tiny, little restaurant

that I don't want to go to because it reminds me of her.

What's the big whoop?

- No, Daddy.

You know that's not the only place you avoid.

You won't go to the post office

'cause you say, "Mail felt like Mom's thing."

- You also won't sit in the green chair in the den because

"That's where Cori used to sit

"and pretend to read so she can

get the girls to like books."

- Wait, so Mom would rather

stare at a book for hours

than actually read it?

Swag.- [chuckles]

- Yeah, you won't even let us go through her closet.

- That's because there's

grown woman stuff in there,

all right? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, honestly, there's a lot

of memories everywhere.

And I don't want to be sad,

so I just don't go digging

around in the past, all right?

- Amen, brother.

All this new "processing

your emotions" crap is crap.

- Thank you, Rick.

Feels good to be on the page

as you for once.

I mean, it's terrifying,

but it's nice.

- All right, look at me.

Four divorces, two bankruptcies,

never been to therapy once.

Heck, when I was eight,

I watched a firecracker explode

in my uncle's shorts.

- Okay, stop the story. - Kinda singed the--

- Stop the story there. - Yep.

Just listen to your brother.

You talked about Cori

and you felt good, all right?

That's a nice step.

Now let's start small.

Maybe another step

and go through her closet.

- Mm-mm.

- Don't be scared.

- Pfft. I am not scared.

- No?

- You want me to go through Cori's closet?

- Yeah.

- I will go through Cori's closet all day, son.

- All day, son? - All day.

- Well, today is the day.

We're going through your mama's closet, y'all!

- Hey, yo! - Yeah!

- Hold up. - Closet dance!

- Yeah, homey.

[overlapping excited chatter]

- So you meant now?

- Wow.

[knock at door] - Hey, boss.

For the rat race skit,

do you want me in a suit and tie or just the rats?

- Uh, yeah.

- What's up? Are you okay?

- Yeah, just reliving my hard news days.

That one spoken for?

- No. - Thanks.

- Mm? - Hot water and salt.

Really flushes you out.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

- Do you think our segments are too soft?

- [laughing] What? No way.

I think our segments and our lighting could be softer.

Why?

- I don't know, Kenan got me thinking

that maybe we have a responsibility

to educate our audience with harder news.

- The only responsibility we have is to entertain.

The world doesn't need more shows

telling people the importance of voting or vaccines

or science or seat belts.

- Okay, thank you.

You really helped me realize what I need to do.

- Stop worrying about hard news?

- Oh, God, no.

The world needs real journalism now more than ever.

[laughter and chatter]

- Hey, look at this. Cori's signature perfume.

- "Rejection" by Jennifer Aniston?

- Yeah. I can't believe she agreed to that name.

But it is a nice fragrance. - Yeah.

- Oh, look at this.

Y'all remember your mama's tube top phase?

Nobody could make a thot shirt look classier

more than your mama.

- Hey, Mom's old church hat. - Oh, yeah.

I love this hat.

It always reminded me of something

Jaden Smith would eventually wear.

I'ma icon livin'.

- That thing ruined a lot of people's view of Jesus.

- Amen. - [chuckles]

- I cannot believe I was so freaked out

about coming in here.

It's actually nice remembering all this stuff.

Hey, Rick.

Look, Cori kept all her old scratchers just like you.

- Really? [chuckles]

I remember buying her first one for her sixth birthday.

You know, I didn't think she took after me that much

because I was on the road all the time,

but it's nice to know

that she appreciated the thrill of the scratch just like Daddy.

- Yeah, that's nice to know

that my wife was a degenerate gambler just like you.

[chuckling]

Oh, my goodness. Look at her headshots.

Girls, look at her headshots. I forgot about these.

- She was so pretty. - Oh, man.

- Yeah, she used to say

she looked "Naomi-in-the-'90s thin."

- Yeah, she killin 'it.

- 'Cause she just had food poisoning.

- Maybe it's not the worst thing in the world

to reminisce a little bit.

- Wait a minute.

This says this is a restraining order.

Against Cori. - What?

[soft dramatic music]

- All right, uh, girls, Daddy's cured.

Why don't you go do your homework?

- We just finished.

- Well, then go get ready for dinner.

- We just had lunch.

What's a straining order?

- Get somewhere that's not in here before I tickle you both.

- Okay!

- I told you

I did not want to go digging around in the past, Gary.

Now I gotta live forever

knowing that my wife kept some dark secret from me.

Thanks a lot.

- I was just trying to be helpful.

- Gary, men have a time-honored tradition

of how they deal with things.

They don't.

♪

- [sniffs] Hmm.

- Uh, hey, man. You okay?

- Yeah, I'm good, man.

You know, just getting my steps.

- Okay, so you don't want to talk about that--

- Talk about what?

How all this walking is gonna have me snatched?

Or that I found a restraining order against my wife

from some guy named Ron Sherman-Willis?

- Are we sure that's a person and not a paint store?

- I cannot believe this.

We weren't supposed to have any secrets.

Why did this guy and Cori have beef?

And why did the courts get involved?

And why are you wearing her church hat again?

- 'Cause I'm trying to keep it light.

- No! - No?

- No, back to plan A.

I'm just gonna swallow all these feelings

of anger and confusion and fear

and with a little luck, hopefully it won't manifest

into heart disease.

Gary, get out of my way.

Eh!

Ha! You see?

It's like it never happened.

- Amen, brother. - Back to my life.

- All right, I know you guys are wondering

why I called this last-minute meeting.

- Are we getting an office dog?

- [gasps] - Ah?

- Okay, see, this is our problem.

Our show only cares about frivolous stuff.

- A dog is frivolous now?

They're the only moral cops.

- Guys, we're called "Wake Up With Kenan."

We need to wake up to what's happening in the world.

- Lame! - Really, Pam?

You're the one who, this morning,

said we're making a bunch of trash.

- I only mean half the things I say.

That's the fun of Pam!

- Yeah, but you were right, though.

All right? So real news stories only.

Come on, pitch me. - I can talk about

climate change like I do at parties,

but it gets bleak.

Immediately. - Ooh, ooh!

How about a serious news story

about the health benefits of an office dog?

- What kind do we have? I like poodles.

- What? - People writing this down?

♪

- [groans]

♪

Damn it!

Gentlemen, now that I've seen this restraining order,

I can't get it out of my head.

And I won't be able to until we get to the bottom of it.

- What happened to pretending it didn't happen?

- It's my "can't stop won't stop" personality.

It's why we don't keep Pizza Pringles in the house.

- Let it go, man.

There's nothing that drinking alone in the dark

for a few hours can't cure.

- I need to know why this Ron Sherman-Willis

would file a restraining order against my sweet Cori.

Come on, no bad ideas. Let's go.

- Oh!

Maybe she broke in the dude's property

to feed his deers.

That woman love deers.

- Okay, yeah, deers.

- Are you writing that down

so that he can look at how dumb it is?

- Ooh, I got another one.

What if she was caught

jumping on the neighbor's trampoline?

both: That was you.

- Well, them jerk kids don't use it.

It's just sitting there. - Come on, Gary.

These are all terrible.

It's like your only idea

was saying all of your bad ideas.

- Because I didn't want to say what I really think.

- Which is what? - I don't know.

I said--did I say that out loud?

- No, no, no. Come on, tell me.

- No, I ain't got nothing to say, man.

- No, no. Come on, tell me.

- I think it's an affair gone wrong, okay!

I'm sorry. - What?

No.

No!

Come on, now.

No, we're moving on to Rick.

Rick, what do you think?

Rick?

Rick, you don't think Gary is right do you?

- I don't know, man. I mean, look.

Before today, I had no idea how much Cori took after me.

But seeing her love of the five-finger discount,

and gambling, the light wash jeans,

it's clear, she's my mini me.

Everybody knows I've got a wandering...

everything.

Sorry, Kenan.

- No. Nope!

No, she was not that kind of person.

- I feel bad about it, Kenan.

But on the bright side, it's nice knowing

that despite our sometimes strange relationship,

the father-daughter bond--it's not about me.

- Come on. Cori would not have cheated!

Her celebrity hall pass was me!

All right, you know what? I'll prove it.

Yeah, I got this loser's address.

All right? [laughs]

Call it a setup.

Let's go pay him a visit.

- Ooh! Road trip!

[chuckles]

- Help me up. A little help?

Here we go! - There we go.

♪

- I think this is it.

- Are you sure? - Ooh, Ron Sherman-Willis?

More like Rich Sherman-Willis.

Pull up Zillow. Zaddy needs a Zestimate--

- Shh!

Gary, my house is bigger than this.

- Uh-- - Ha!

Yeah, whatever.

- I think there's somebody in the garage.

Come on. - Your house could fit

in this house. They can't be the same size.

- Be quiet!

I just need to get a good look at this guy.

- [straining]

- Oh, no.

Kenan, he's beautiful. - So what?

Just because he's built like a "Mortal Kombat" character

doesn't mean he slept with my wife.

- Yeah, but... look at that picture up there.

- He's got a framed picture of Cori?

- [grunting]

- Who's he fighting? Several ghosts?

[dog barking]

- Oh, get up! - Go!

- Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, Lord. - Drive!

all: Aah!

[metal ting]

- Ow! What was that?

- I don't know. - A house?

- Go! - Okay!

[tires squeal]

- Try to reverse! - It's okay, I got this, y'all.

I got this. - You're good, you're good.

Oh, stop, stop. Now crank it left.

No, no, no. My left!

- My left is your left!

- Oh, you're right.

- I'm right, or crank it right?

- Yes. - Just go!

[tires squeal]

- [yelps]

[dog barking]

[soft music]

- And we're late.

Lamont, I told you I'm better than Waze.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay, Kenan.

You'll be happy to know that we're starting the morning

with a very serious news story.

- Why?

- Uh, 'cause you reignited my passion

for real journalism.

Starting today, we're covering hard news.

- Oh, yes. Yeah, no, I love that.

Hard news. - Yes.

- You know, the harder the better.

- That's right. Hey!

- Lamont. - Lamont.

- [laughs] - Heavy foot.

- Wow. Funny every time, Lamont.

- Call your parole officer. - Okay.

So you're gonna be interviewing a guy

who says that someone vandalized his American flag

and then scattered it across his lawn.

- Oh, that's gonna be good,

'cause white people be tripping about flag stuff

for no reason at all. - You know it.

♪

- Um... - Oh, there he is now.

- Hi! Are you here from the news?

- Something in my eye.

- Glad you called.

So, what? We kicking this guy's ass?

- No, we're not kicking anybody's ass.

I'm interviewing our victim

about the little felony that we committed last night.

- What are you talking about

and why are we emphasizing pronouns?

- Come here.

You remember the little 24-point turn

that you did on Ron's lawn?

Well, we tore up his American flag

and the man is a veteran!

I think legally, he's allowed to spank us now.

- Okay, look. Don't worry about it.

Just remember the three D's.

Deny, deflect, de--be--blame?

Dwayne? D'Angelo?

No, that's a singer. DaBaby.

- It's a rapper. - Defrost?

- No, that's chicken. - Yeah, you right.

- Shut-de-hell up. - Okay.

- Kenan? We're ready for you.

- Terrific! - Go get 'em.

- It's-de-time.

Nope.

[dramatic melody]

- I pledge allegiance

to the flag,

except we can't.

What a tragedy.

So tell me,

Ron Sherman-Willis--

if that's even your real name--

who would do such a thing?

My guess is a very angry animal.

- Those are clearlytire tracks.

- [chuckles] Well.

I didn't realize

that I was interviewing

Detective Elliot Stabler

over here!

Gong, gong.

That's obviously

the work of a possum.

- Driving a--

- Driving a Ford Festiva.

- What the hell is he doing?

- Trying to get to the truth.

- Oh, de-truth? Nope.

That's the opposite of what we want.

- Why are you guys here?

- We're only getting your side of the story.

We can't get the flag's side of the story,

because she's no longer with us.

- What--I'm sorry, what are you talking about?

- She's gone, Ron. Okay?

You ever stop to think

that maybe you deserved this?

For putting your flag pole

where it didn't belong?

- In my yard?

- You sure put it in somebody's yard!

[slow claps]

- That was a really good interview.

- 100%.

- I gotta go look in the car. - Uh, car--we gonna go.

♪

[knocking]

- Hey, pal. Quick question.

What in the hell was that?

- [sighs]

Look, the real reason I didn't want to go

to Millie's Counter is because it reminded me of Cori.

And I just feel like there'd be too many memories there.

So the hard news thing was just an excuse.

- Well, there goes a week of my life.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- Follow-up question.

What does any of that have to do

with you freaking out at that Ron guy?

- Well, that's a longer story involving a restraining order

and Gary backing up over the man's flag multiple times.

- Wow. - But the bottom line is, I--

I think he had an affair with Cori.

- What? That's crazy.

Cori loved you.

She wouldn't even peep the shirtless dues

in every Tyler Perry movie.

Trust me, Kenan, she was the sweetest person ever.

- Yeah, but now I'll never know know, you know?

And that little bit of doubt has got me spinnin'!

And you know once I start something, I can't stop.

- I know.

That's why we can't keep Pizza Pringles

in the break room anymore.

- Exactly.

- You know what? [snaps]

Come on, let's go. - What?

- We're gonna talk to Ron,

because whatever the truth is

is better than whatever this is.

- Wait--now, wait a minute.

- Put it down. You don't need it.

- I just poured. That's a fresh one.

- All right, you got this. Okay?

You got this.

- [sighs]

- You gonna--really?

Kenan--

- I was gonna get to that!

- Yes? - Hey, man.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to come by and apologize

about the interview earlier.

It kinda got away from me, and, um,

I have to talk to you about something kind of tough--

- Sorry, just hold that thought.

Honey, come here!

You're not gonna believe who's back.

So I didn't get a chance to tell you

during the interview, 'cause, well--

- Yeah, we were there. - Yeah.

- But I am your biggest fan!

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, thank you, man. That's really cool of you.

But I'm not really sure that you're gonna want your wife

out here for this. - My wife?

- [chuckles] Sorry, you caught me

literally making bread from scratch, hi.

[laughs] I'm Van, Ron's husband.

- Van!

Mika! - Mm-hmm.

- It's Van! - Yeah.

- He's a man! You're a man!

- I am. - And you're m--

oh, my goodness, come here!

[laughs] Look, you're never gonna--

this is crazy.

I thought that you had an affair with my wife.

- What? - [laughs]

Can you imagine?

- I know, right? - Ridiculous!

- Just come back in. Oh, so happy!

[crying]

- What's happening?

- Unclear. - [crying]

- Phew. Thank you for that.

It has been a rollercoaster of a week,

and year, for that matter.

But when I saw you doing

Tae Bo in front of a picture of my wife,

coupled with the restraining order

and some really bad advice,

I jumped to a horrible conclusion,

so, I'm sorry. My bad.

- Not a problem. But, sorry,

how did you see the picture of Cori in our garage?

- Well, you both said sorry, so that's all that's important.

- Yep. - Shall we get to steppin'?

- Yes, we should. - Yeah, and when did you see me

doing Tae Bo? - I'm guessing all the time.

You know, I mean, look at your body.

You look like you've been drawn by a horny 7th grader.

- And who cares when stuff happened, right?

Timelines don't matter. - I mean, look at her.

She's turned 29, like, five times.

- But I am 29. And it was twice.

- But you didn't sleep with my wife, right?

So I don't even care about the picture

or the restraining order. Let's get on out of here.

We good. Thank you for the warm water.

Actually, I can't let this go until I know everything.

And, by any chance, do you have any Pizza Pringles?

Wow, look at this.

- NSYNC Celebrity Tour? I was there for that.

- You guys are super into the aughts, huh?

- Ron is an avid collector of what I consider

to be the bleakest moment in pop culture history.

- [chuckles] - Yeah.

Well, I guess this explains why you have a picture of Cori,

but... why'd you have a restraining order against her?

No way!

You know this is exact kind of car

I used to drive on "Grown Ass Little Boy"?

I always told myself I was gonna buy myself one of these,

but then, you know, we had kids and I never did.

- Oh, it's not the same kind of car.

It's the actual car.

- Wait, you serious? - Like I said,

I'm a huge fan, so when it went to auction,

I had to get it.

The only other major bidder was...

Cori.

She wanted to surprise you.

- See, Kenan?

- Cori's dark secret was buying you a car.

She was the sweetest person ever.

- I don't know.

After I outbid her, she followed me to the parking lot

yelling, "This car will Christine your ass!"

- [laughs] - Yeah, well, that's my girl.

- It actually wasn't that funny.

She called the house. A lot.

And showed up to my work.

And somehow tricked me into showing up to her work.

- Yikes. - Wow, that's good.

Well, we both had that "can't stop won't stop" thing.

I guess it's what we loved about each other.

Even though it did get us in trouble a lot.

- Like how you both stalked us?

- Easy, I don't think anybody's stalking anybody here.

- Ron Sherman-Willis.

Man, Kenan and Mika--what the hell

are all you doing here? - What are you doing here?

- We came to kick Ron's ass.

I owe it to you, Kenan.

Since it was my cheater DNA that made Cori sleep

with this creep, so I--

wait, are you a different

impossibly moisturized guy?

- He is. - Um--

- Boy, your skin is dewier than the morning grass.

- Okay, everybody leave. - I knew that was coming.

- Sorry. - We gotta go, come on.

- Is it, like, a moisturizer or oil?

- It is a proprietary blend.

- I didn't lay a hand on him! - They're gay.

♪

[laughter]

- Thanks for coming to Millie's, y'all.

- Oh...

I forgot my wallet.

- In Florida? - Yes.

- Hi, dad. I ate 15 crab cakes,

so dinner's free now, right?

- What? They don't have that kind

of contest here, girl. Who told you that?

both: I ain't think she was gonna do it.

- [chuckles] - So, Kenan, how's it feel

being back at Millie's Counter?

- Kinda great.

I mean, it's crazy. I was avoiding my memories,

but this is the best I've felt all year.

And I've got a new memory of Cori.

You know what, Gary? You were right all along, bro.

- I was?

That's--please don't start listening to me.

That's too much pressure.

- It was a one-time thing. - Okay.

- Now, if I'm being honest,

learning how similar Cori was to me

got me all caught up and I--

[sighs] I felt closer to her somehow.

Ah, that's stupid. I know.

- Oh, it's not stupid, man. - Really?

'Cause we also desecrated a flag, stalked a man twice,

and almost got arrested. - Yeah.

- So I think I'll just stick with my way

of coping with the past.

Thank you very Scotch.

- Yeah, I don't blame you.

All right, everybody got one?

- Mm-hmm.

- What you say, we move it out?

- Let's bounce! - Get it.

- Wait. Wait, guys.

I'm missing my shoe!

God, no, no!

- Leave the shoe, Mika!

♪

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