Original subtitles

(melodic music)

- So, I'm a staff writer for a women's magazine.

I know what you're thinking.

Not that kind of women's magazine.

We don't give life hacks on house cleaning

and we don't rank seasonal lip shades.

I'm working on a personal essay on my circle of girlfriends.

There's five of us and we couldn't be more different.

Our dating profiles would be quite interesting.

Loren Atwood.

A real girl's girl.

Age: 25

Career: Staff writer for Boss Bitch Magazine.

Motto: Yes we still can!

Favorite movie: Thelma and Louise.

When shit gets tough, Loren believes in a combination

of mindfulness, meditation, and creative teamwork.

Relationship status.

Where are you going?

- I have to go back to school.

- No.

- It's okay.

- Healthy and committed three year relationship with Bo.

He's currently teaching English.

To orphans.

In Bulgaria.

Yes.

These guys do exist!

Oh and Frankie said to tell you that's what you get

for auto-drafting your fantasy league from Bulgaria.

I love the shit out of you.

Then there's Frankie.

Frankie Giffin.

Age: 27.

Career: Software development.

Motto.

- Blood sugar 103, fucking killing it.

(Loren clears throat)

- [Loren] Frankie.

Motto?

- Choose sarcasm, because beating the shit out of people

is illegal.

- [Loren] Favorite movie: The Sandlot.

Believes that a gnome sneaks into her room every night

and steals socks and panties.

- Seriously, where do they go?

- [Loren] Relationship status: Single.

Though she rarely swipes right, when she does,

you're in for a good time.

And Stacy Beals.

Age: 24.

Career: Hair and Makeup Artist.

Motto.

- I read it on Reddit.

I mean, it's probably true.

- [Loren] Favorite movie: Hmm.

Hold please.

(phone ringing)

- [Stacy] Hey, Lo.

- [Loren] Stace, what's your favorite movie?

- Favorite movie?

- [Loren] Yeah, it's Clueless, right?

- [Stacy] You're right.

- [Loren] You do know that Stacy Dash

wanted to eliminate black history month, right?

- I'm sorry what?

Stacey Dash wanted to eliminate black history month.

- [Loren] Mm-hm.

- How did I miss that?

Unacceptable.

- [Loren] I know right.

- As if!

Okay, new movie, Crooklyn.

So many life lessons.

- [Loren] Got it.

- [Stacey] Final answer, Crooklyn.

- [Loren] Favorite movie: Crooklyn.

Comforted by: The Kardashians.

Relationship status: Openly gay and ready to slay.

Jillian Olsen.

Age: 27.

Career: Former child star turned real housewife

of West Nashville.

Motto.

- Family first.

And yes, you can choose your family.

- [Loren] Favorite movie: Steel Magnolias

Comforted by: Her five dogs.

Yes, they're rescues.

And when shit gets tough, Jillian bakes cookies.

Relationship status: Married to country music

superstar Michael Ray Black.

♪ Find nobody around ♪

- [Loren] Melissa Ruthers.

HBIC, girls.

She is the definition of a career girl.

Age:35.

Career: Owns multiple commercial real estate properties.

- [Melissa] Can you hold on a second?

- [Loren] Motto.

- Work hard, play hard.

- [Loren] Favorite movie: The Devil Wears Prada.

Comforted by: Every other Thursday night, girls' night in.

And when shit gets tough, Melissa never says why me?

She says, "Try Me."

- Amanda, you need to go take care of it

and then don't call me again.

- I swiped right, and I sent him home with leftover pizza.

It's like the least you could do is toss your shit, Todd.

- Did you see the picture of Michael in Seen?

He was with some ginger chick in L.A. last weekend.

- His publicist is a redhead.

Don't say ginger, it's racist.

- I can't be racist.

I have black friends.

- It's like racist towards white people.

- That's not a thing.

- It's reverse racism.

- Which means it's not racism.

- Why are we having this argument?

- Because you refuse to talk about

what's really going on here.

What is up with Jill and Michael?

We have to get this out of Jill.

She can't keep that stuff bottled up.

- Okay, tabloids lie, Stace, and Jillian's private.

Just let her be.

- If you don't talk about your problems, they'll kill you.

I saw it on Dr. Oz.

They will literally sit in your stomach

and turn into cancer.

- You don't think you're exaggerating

just like a little bit?

- No.

(knocking on door)

- Yo, Mel.

- It's Thursday, and what do we not do on Thursdays?

That's right, real estate.

- Mel.

- Hey friends.

- Hey.

- How's it going?

- Good.

- Where's Mel?

- From the sounds of it she's getting

pretty riled up at Amanda.

Also, who is Amanda and why is she causing

so much drama in my life right now?

- You're so right.

Your life is so crazy.

How do you do it day after day?

- Shut up.

- Well shit, guess we could have done that

like 20 minutes ago.

- Amanda, you are being so annoying right now.

I don't wanna be hearing your voice.

- [Amanda] How could you be so annoyed with me when--

- I know but we do this every other Thursday.

Not after 5 p.m.

You know this.

Why are we even having this conversation?

- [Amanda] Because the language in the contract,

it needs--

- So fix it, that's your job, to fix it.

- [Amanda] Bobby already left Melissa.

- Okay then call him back.

We talked about this like four times already Amanda.

Do you know what redundant means?

- [Amanda] Do you know what bitch means?

- Is this suspenders?

- No it's a waist trainer, that's gotta stay on.

- Get off the phone.

- I'm sorry.

You know what, Amanda, I'm going through a tunnel right now.

I'm losing you, I'm losing you.

Sorry girls.

- [Jillian] Hey ladies.

- Hey.

- Who the hell is this?

- Oh that's her sister.

Her merch didn't sell.

- It's terrible artwork so I got them all.

- Way to support.

- I know right.

- Jillian, sweetheart, I don't invite you over

so that you'll clean.

But I mean if you insist.

- Okay, Mel, I told you.

These things are not biodegradable.

- Yeah but they make your bun look really big.

- Mel.

- Yeah?

- How do your pants still smell so good

at the end of the day?

- It's my pheromones.

I had them adjusted to smell like Chanel No. 5.

- Really?

- Yeah.

No!

I'm not that rich!

That's the pizzas.

- Okay but Mel, I'm not kidding.

You know that thing in Texas,

it's littered with these and straws and panty liners.

- Yeah it's the size of Texas.

In the ocean?

Yeah.

I know what you're talking about.

- I dunno, whatever, the reef is dying.

- Okay girls, I have pizza.

Okay, I just got one for each of you,

or you can share, I don't care.

Okay veggie, no onions, for you doll.

We have gluten free, dairy free.

No, this is going in the trash can.

Okay okay okay fine.

Canadian bacon with pineapple.

- That's my one.

- And for you, my little meat lover.

Meat supreme, all the meats.

- All the meats.

Do you have any beer?

- I am so sorry boo I forgot to pick it up.

- Oh no Mic Ultras?

- No.

- No trash beer even?

- No.

- B double L?

- No.

I hate beer.

I'm sorry.

- I don't wanna drink wine, it makes my eyes cry.

- Oh.

- Okay well don't worry, we're not gonna drink wine,

we're drinking tequila.

- Yes, you are a goddess.

- You know what ladies, it's a Monet.

Hashtag poor choices Thursdays.

Get over here doll.

- Okay, I got the tequila.

- Hashtag poor choices thursdays.

- Oh my gosh, okay here we go.

- Yay!

- Yeah they sponsored Michael's last tour.

- Ooh.

- Whoa.

- I am okay with this.

- How many inches?

How many inches do you want?

- Let me start, let me start small.

- Okay, okay.

- So, what are we watching?

- Oh, oh.

Okay I say...

- [All] Bridget Jones Diary.

- You always wanna watch that.

- Well first of all, she's my spirit animal.

Second of all, you always wanna watch

Abby the Adolescent Witch,

especially when Jillian's not here.

- She's not supposed to know that.

Thank you very much.

- Guys, seriously?

- Okay hold on, hold on.

You might always be Abby to the rest of America,

but to us you're just Jillian.

- I'll drink to that.

To Jillian, who bakes us cookies,

and not to Abby.

To Jillian! - Not to Abby.

(laughing)

- Jill, I've got a question for you.

- Yeah?

- Would you rather, watch a year long marathon

of Abby the Adolescent Witch,

or star in a season of The Real Housewives of Nashville?

- Absolutely hands down I would rather

watch myself grow up on TV than expose

my private life on air.

- Praise.

- You wouldn't fit in on those shows, anyway.

- You're just not bitchy enough, babe.

- Oh guys, I have a serious one, okay?

- Go.

- Would you rather have a very painful vaginal birth

or completely pain free,

but through your mouth.

- Something is very wrong with you.

- Okay wait, hang on.

Would I be able to dislocate my jaw like a python

and then it just pops back in?

How's this gonna work?

- Exactly like a snake.

Mouth or vag?

- I mean, mouth, I guess.

- Yep, same.

- I'm with you.

You gotta protect the lady parts.

(explosion) (gasping)

- What the fuck? - Oh my God.

- Holy shit.

(indistinct chatter)

- Oh my God.

Come on, come on.

Oh my God.

- I have to film this.

- Stacy, Stacy, Stacy, don't open the door, okay.

Okay we don't know what's in the air.

Keep that closed.

- [Frankie] Is it a terrorist attack?

- Close the curtain.

- Okay.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Is it North Korea?

What did he tweet?

How am I supposed to know what's going on in the world?

No, no.

Do you have service?

- No I don't have service.

- No one has service.

- It's okay.

- Is mercury in retrograde right now?

- I'm pretty sure it is!

- I can't be here, I gotta go.

- Jill! - Jill no!

- Jill stop!

Hey, hey, hey, hang on okay?

Stop, stop.

Look, no electricity, that means no elevators,

we're not gonna run down 14 flights of stairs, okay?

We don't know what's happening out there.

We don't know what's happening.

- She's right.

I mean it's dark in here but there's pizza.

And outside is fire and smoke and probably zombies,

and swine flu, real Tank Girl shit out there.

- What?

- Why are people leaving?

Should we go?

- No no no.

- All right, let's just calm down.

Take a deep breath, okay?

Do you have flashlights or anything?

- Yeah yeah, come on, come on let's go.

Okay can you hold that?

Okay can you guys just hold the light for me so I can see?

- [Loren] What exactly are we looking for?

- I have these lantern things I've never used.

I invested in them when I was on Shark Tank.

They're battery powered, but they partially run

on solar or some shit, I don't know.

Here, I'm gonna hand stuff out.

I wish Greg was here.

- [Frankie] Why?

- He has all this stuff.

He had a head-for-the-hills bag,

which is one of the many reasons we're not together anymore.

Weirdo.

- Where is Greg?

- I'm gonna go out on a limb and say

he's headed for the hills.

- Oh Mel, you guys were so in love.

- Stacy, I can't with that right now okay?

We're still friends.

We're just, God this one's heavy,

we're not an item anymore.

But he is the reason that I have

tons and tons of camping lights.

The man loves camping.

- Thoughts?

- [Melissa] Oh that's actually...

- Fashionable and practical.

Oh look.

- [Frankie] Bingo.

- That's what I was looking for,

those are battery operated too.

- Oh, Frankie.

You can match.

- Let there be light, ladies.

(screaming)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

S'okay ladies.

- Is that Greg?

- It's okay.

- [Melissa] What are you doing here?

How did you even get in?

- Well, if you must know, miss lady, I used my key.

Look it's pretty bad out there.

They got attacks going on in San Francisco,

New York, Nashville, and even Boise.

- Boise?

God, somebody must really hate potatoes.

- Oh, Frankie.

- How do you know all this?

- Radio.

- You have a radio?

- Of course he has a radio.

- Do you have a radio?

- No, I don't have a radio,

I mean who has a radio anymore right?

- Greg has a radio.

- Of course, he has a radio.

- Now you have a radio.

- Here.

- Look, someone needs to go fill up the tub, okay.

Take advantage of this water while we still have it.

Use all of the hot water--

- All right on it, on it.

- And...

Seal up the windows.

Make sure you seal up the edges.

You don't want any of that outside air penetrating.

- Penetrating what?

- I can hear you.

- Come on, Jill.

- Don't you think this is a bit much?

- Okay.

- You scare them.

What are you doing here?

- I came for my camping lights.

- I told you we need some space, babe.

Christ, I mean what is this?

- It's a gas mask.

- [Melissa] Is this Ant-Man or something?

- Look, you knew I was coming back for you.

- I do kind of like this look.

I really love a man in a vest with lots of tiny pockets.

- Yeah I look pretty dangerous huh?

I figured you'd like it.

- It's kinda sexy, like what do you put in here?

Hand sanitizer wipes?

You look like GI Joe.

Who's Saint Augler?

- Your fantasy Superman.

Plus, if we're gonna die,

you know I wanna tap dat ass one more time.

- Oh my God this sweet talk.

Okay babe.

- No.

- Okay Saint Augler just give me just a second okay?

- Tap dat ass?

Are you frickin' kidding me?

- Babe, babe just give me a second okay.

- Yeah babe. - Bye babe.

- Yeah. - Go!

- You can't leave us.

- Hold her down, I'll get the tape.

- Melissa, you're not seriously considering this.

- Girls.

- What happened to Miss Independent,

you know, Hill would be so ashamed.

Okay come on, what happened to miss on her own

and miss solidarity and friends and Kelly Clarkson?

What happened?

Please.

Please don't go.

- Okay look, look.

You all have healthy sex lives

and I haven't gotten laid in like eight billion years.

So if this really is the end of the world,

mama's gonna get a little vitamin D,

just one more time.

Okay?

I gotta go before I change my mind.

I love you guys.

Okay don't make me cry, I love you.

I love you.

Be safe.

Be safe!

Stay safe!

(door slams)

- Did that really just happen?

- What a fucking whore.

- Is this a joke?

- [Loren] Melissa Ruthers, relationship status:

it's complicated.

- [PJ] This is PJ and Maggs and we've interrupted

our Thursday night America Countdown to bring you

emergency news coverage.

America is under attack.

The following cities have been bombed:

San Francisco, New York City, Nashville,

Orlando, and Boise.

- Told you it's the potatoes.

- [Maggs] Everyone is advised to stay where you are.

Seek shelter.

Tape and seal doors and windows, and ration food and water.

There have been no further attacks since 8:35 p.m.

central standard time.

We do not the extent of the threat

as toxicity levels cannot be determined at this time.

We just got this in for Nashville and surrounding counties.

All interstates are closed.

Please do not attempt to leave or enter

the greater Nashville area.

All air travel has been suspend...

- We can't listen to this all night.

- Okay.

Let's do what he said, right?

Gather supplies and ration.

So we have five pizzas, right,

and the fridge is gonna stay cold for a day or so.

We got hummus, pickles, two pudding cups.

Any condiment you can imagine.

- That's it?

- We have more pizza,

and penis ice.

Let's see.

We have...

Greg's shit.

- And Jillian's cookies.

- And five dehydrated Greg meals.

And if anyone's wondering, 154 units of insulin.

- Wait, how long is that gonna last?

- Five days, maybe seven.

- Okay.

Great.

Awesome.

Right, we also have one case of electrolyte infused waters,

all right, so sip slow and make it last, ladies.

All right.

So we are gonna wait this out.

- Well we need to rig up some lights.

- Frankie, yes.

Go team.

- Melissa.

- Let's get these panties popping.

Festive AF.

- It's actually pretty genius.

- Looks good.

- I haven't tuned one of these in forever.

- [Male] The following message is being transmitted

at the request of civil defense.

- Holy shit.

- I know, just read it.

- [Male] Please stand by for instructions.

- We just got an update with reports

of ebola-like symptoms developing from exposure

to the air and debris within what is now

a six mile radius of the site of attack.

- All we can do is wait, and pray.

If you are within a safe shelter,

be advised that it could be days,

even weeks before rescue missions are attempted.

Nashville is under Martial Law.

Please, do not open doors.

There is a bio-chemical threat outside.

We are one of five American cities attacked tonight

in seemingly unmotivated acts of terror.

Stand strong, Music City.

Tell those around you you love them.

- All right y'all, we're gonna continue taking calls

and update you with information as it comes in.

This is PJ with WBNA FM.

Who am I speaking to?

- [Adam] This is Reverend Adam Sholks

and I just want all the cities in America

to know that the prayer warriors are going strong.

My daughter is in Nashville.

If you hear me, darlin', you know you need to get right

with God cause your chance of survival is not good.

- And no.

- That was the reverend.

You can catch him on Sundays.

- I just can't.

- Should we go with her?

- Probably.

First one to separate's usually the first one to die.

- It's usually the black person.

- Not in this house.

- Yeah, we're woke.

- Please don't ever say that again.

- Okay.

To whoever is watching.

Please, please, go to my notes and under the file,

it's titled worst night ever,

you'll find my very last article...

It's my very last article that's gonna

document what just might be our very last night on earth.

Sorry, there have been,

been black hawks and circlers.

Anyways, please, if you see this,

get it to Boss Bitch Magazine, okay?

If it's still a thing.

(sighs)

You hear it?

Shaking the building.

Anyways, so please, just get it to Boss Bitch Mag, again.

And to Bo,

baby,

if you see this, I hope you know I love you.

I love you so much.

I really do.

And,

I'm pregnant.

Oh my God no I'm not, I'm just kidding.

That was so bad, that was a bad joke,

at very inappropriate, bad timing.

You know me, I'm not that funny.

Ha ha ha.

I make myself laugh.

And you by doing that.

Anyways, whatever.

I love you.

I love you so much.

- Is anyone else imagining Abby the Adolescent Witch on TV?

- Bridget Jones Diary.

- E! True Hollywood Story.

Fuck it, y'all.

I'm taking the good stuff.

- Why did the sirens stop?

- I don't know, Jill.

- I'm really scared.

- Hey, I know.

Me, too.

- There's nothing we can do.

We're just gonna have to face the fact

that we're probably are gonna die in the next few days,

either from starvation or opening up a window

and dying from some bleeding eye shit.

- Oh, God.

- Don't cry, Jill.

Just drink.

At least you're here with us.

Frankie?

- No.

Makes my eyes cry.

- Fine.

- Okay, listen, I just wanna say that this room

is a safe space.

All right?

So whatever is weighing on your hearts,

just let it out, okay?

Because if we're gonna die,

we're gonna die with clean consciences.

And there will be no judgment.

Just understanding

and solidarity.

- Thank you Brené.

What time is the march?

- Funny Frankie.

- No but seriously, I wanna roll my eyes

at everything you say but, oh but I can't,

because I really do feel like I'm in a safe space

with really supportive friends.

- You are.

- I just wish you were a little more de-facto feminist.

- Fourth wave, sorry Boo.

- [Frankie] It's okay.

I still love you.

- Thanks Frank.

- It's gotta be freeing though,

to not have to write another girl power article.

If this the end.

- You know what, I actually really love my job,

I do.

I was in the middle of writing a piece right now actually,

sort of based on all of us.

I feel like I need to finish it.

Especially now.

- A eulogy?

- Shit.

- Well, if anyone's gonna eulogize us, it should be you, Lo.

- Thanks Frank.

- Jill, why don't we ever do this at your place?

Would we like disturb Michael's process?

I know you're a little ways out but,

I can't help but think if we'd been there.

- Because Melissa's here twice a month.

And we can all Uber downtown.

Plus, my house just isn't very homey.

You know?

Sometimes I feel like we bought it just for

the Southern Living photo shoots.

- Where is Michael tonight?

- He's in Colorado.

I wonder if he knows what happened.

I haven't heard from him today.

- Wait.

At all?

- No.

It's been a little rough lately.

I'm not even that sad right now.

I'm just, having some regrets.

- Cause you were trying to get pregnant?

- Stacy.

No.

(sighs)

I really just, I want to feel needed.

- Fuck, Jill.

- Why else do you think I have five dogs?

- It is a little excessive.

- You know what Jill, none of that matters.

Do you know why?

- Why?

- Because you make the best cookies in the whole world.

- Did that just come out of your butt?

(laughing)

Wait, are you storing cookies under the couch?

- No.

That would be insane.

- Can I have some?

- No.

- Jill you have nothing to regret.

Look at how much you've done.

I mean look what you've overcome.

- Hold please.

What exactly, did you overcome?

Were you an addict?

Was it coke?

- Stacy!

- 97.8% of child stars go to Betty Ford.

Fact.

Were you a sex addict?

Did you have Trichotillomania?

- What?

Did you make that up?

- No, Stacy, she brought cookies for fuck's sake.

She doesn't have an eating disorder!

- What?

I'm just saying, we've never dived into this.

What the hell else are we gonna talk about?

- Wait seriously what is trick toe-titel-mania?

- It's when you pull your hair out.

- Oh.

Yeah, I totally had that.

- Really?

- No.

(laughing)

- Jill's got jokes!

- Don't do that again.

Wait, come back.

- Hold on, Stace.

I need to get some Advil or something.

What's Flexeril?

- Oh it's a good time in a bottle.

(banging on door)

- Hey, I hear you in there.

Open the door, I need help.

Open this door, please!

I won't hurt you.

Please help me, I need help.

Please!

I can hear you in there.

Open the door please!

I need help right now, please.

- Just give him a bottle of water,

you can take one of mine.

- No. - No.

- Open the door, please.

I'm not gonna hurt you, I need help.

Please, let me in.

- Hey.

What's your name?

- Will.

- Will, I'm Loren.

- Loren, please let me in.

I'm not gonna hurt you, I just need water.

It's not for me I swear.

- Will did you open a window?

- No, no, no, I said don't open the window.

Stop!

Fuck!

Open the fucking door or I'll kick the fucking door in!

I'll kick it in right now!

Open the fucking door!

Open the door!

- Oh, my God.

- Will, go back to your apartment

and I'm gonna call for help, okay?

- [Will] 1402.

- What?

- Apartment 1402.

- I gotta see this too.

Oh, uh uh.

That's some 28 Days Later shit.

- Will?

(wheezing)

Will?

Will?

- Frankie!

Tape.

Watch out Lo.

- Hey, you okay?

Come on let's take a little minute.

Hey we'll be right back.

Just take a breath, okay?

Hey.

Just put your hands behind your head, okay?

Come on, and breathe in, all right?

Breathe in.

Go...

Two, three, four.

Okay, do it again.

Three, four.

- Loren, that guy outside is gonna die any minute

and I watched you lie to him to calm him down,

and now you're doing that to me.

- Whoa hey, I'm not lying to you, okay?

You are okay.

Stacy's gonna sanitize the hell out of that door.

You know her.

You may not get any fresh air for a while, but...

We're not dying tonight, Jill.

- This bed is ridiculously comfortable.

- See?

Silver linings.

- Maybe.

Tiny.

- You want to try and get some sleep

or have some time to yourself?

- No, I don't want to be left alone.

- What can I do for you Jill?

- I need some happiness up in here.

Tell me a joke.

- Okay.

Okay on a scale of one to Frankie

how offensive do you want it?

- Surprise me, Lo.

- Okay you ready?

What do gay horses eat?

- Hay!

- What do lesbian horses eat?

- I don't know.

- Ready?

Hay!

- What was that?

- It's my party trick.

- [Jillian] Oh nice deep voice.

- Spooky right?

It's good.

- I hate to break up this flap gathering

but our friend Stacy here is going to have an aneurism

if she doesn't hear the E! True Hollywood story

of Jillian Olsen in the next 20 minutes.

- Please!

- What is a flap gathering?

- [Loren] Frankie!

- It's two or more vaginas.

Figure it out Jill, you'll get it.

- I'll show you later.

(laughing)

- I'm gonna need another drink.

- [Loren] That I can do.

Some nosy Rosies.

- [Stacy] Give me the goods, bitches.

- Guys, what the fuck?

Whose is this?

Stacy?

- Why do you assume it's me?

- Because you read this trash.

- That's all it is, Jill, it's trash.

I didn't get it 'cause Michael was on the cover,

I got it because Kylie was.

You know I love her.

Is it true?

- Yes.

He's been fucking his publicist the past year.

Where's my glass?

- I knew it.

- Shut up!

(Jillian crying)

- Oh.

Shit.

- Have any of y'all fucked him?

- What?

- No!

- [Stacy] Why would you ask that?

- Frankie?

- Gross!

Why would you single me out like that?

I'm not in the least bit attracted to Michael.

You know I like black guys, right.

- Rule number one, you don't fuck your friend's boyfriends.

God Jill, get a grip.

- I would never do that!

You guys are, seriously, my only girlfriends.

And I'm loyal as fuck!

It's always been like that.

Most women just don't like me.

- Newsflash, it's because you always flirt with our fellas!

- What?

- Yeah, you do!

You always tell Michael how much you loved his songs

and you sing every word and talk about how great they are

and like puff him up!

- That's because I like his music.

- I'm sorry, what?

How?

I don't even like it!

- Okay so shoot me if I think bro country catchy, Jillian.

Everybody likes Cruise and if they

say they don't they're lying.

- You flirt with Bo, too.

- Okay Stacy, not helping.

And I watch Sunday night football with Bo, for fuck's sake!

- Frankie, it's fine okay.

Calm down.

All right listen.

I have never felt threatened by you

watching football with Bo.

Honest to God.

You two could sleep in the same bed together

and I wouldn't care because I trust you both.

That's what's really wrong here, Jill.

You don't trust Michael, and you're misplacing that

on our very dear friend Frankie right now, okay?

So Frankie, hey.

Hey.

Hey.

It's not your fault.

Okay?

- This makes so much sense.

Girls don't like me because I get along with their men

better than they do.

- It's true.

- Y'all, lemme just tell y'all something.

Y'all know I was raised by my dad and brothers.

Okay, so here's some safe space shit for you.

I know I mentioned that I was bullied,

but I don't know if I really mentioned how bad it was,

because it was really bad.

Kids are fuckin' cruel.

My brothers looked out for me,

and when they got tired of seeing me

get off the bus everyday crying,

they just took me in with their crew.

They stood up for me and they taught me

how to stand up for myself.

And I became the little sister of the entire

Westside Football team, okay?

Clear eyes, full hearts and Frankie.

Can't lose.

So cheerleaders started coming up to me

to get closer to the guys.

Roles changed, y'all.

And the one thing I learned, and I still standby it today,

dammit, is that men treat you as an equal

if you just learn the offsides rule.

- Praise.

- I climbed the social ladder because I toughened up.

This is me.

Take it or leave it.

I can hang with the boys and I hang with the girls.

I can watch the Titans or Bridget Jones Diary.

I can do both and that's great.

And it's okay.

It doesn't mean I want your man's dick!

Okay?

Jesus.

- I'm sorry.

Please, don't cry, Frankie.

- You fuckin' stop crying.

- Okay.

- Hey.

Hey you two.

Hug it out!

Hug it out.

(Jill laughing)

- Are you okay Jill?

- I'm so sorry, y'all.

- You're freaking me out.

- She's got the crazy eyes.

- I'm just like taking it all in.

This is it.

This is not how I thought I'd go.

It's not gonna be quick is it?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I just need a minute.

- Okay.

(gentle music)

- Oh.

That's nice.

- [PJ] Safe shelters are being set up

and once they open we will inform you.

For now, do not exit any buildings.

Let's take one more call.

This is WBNA Nashville, you've got PJ Weller.

- [Sloan] Hi.

Hi.

I'm Sloan, and we're in the building.

No one's coming, are they?

Why isn't anyone sending help?

People can't see.

We can't breathe!

- Holy fucking shit.

I'm gonna starfish the bed for a little bit, okay,

I just need to clear my head.

- Do what you gotta do, Lo.

We're not going anywhere.

- You don't wanna go to 80s night?

- Oh, hi.

I'm Shannon.

I'm your husband's new publicist, Shannon.

We're gonna be good pals.

You're just so beautiful.

Beautiful, my ass.

Compared to your dumb bitch face

and your dumb bitch fake hair.

Probably clip in extensions.

You don't even have titties!

Screw you Shannon!

No, no.

Fuck you.

Fuck you Shannon.

Fucking redheads.

I can't even fucking get away from them.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry Payton.

Your probably really nice.

- Okay, I'm back.

This sucks.

This fucking sucks.

It sucks.

Oh my God.

Bo,

I wish you were here.

I wish you were here.

Next time, if you wanna go fishing,

baby I will go fishing with you, I promise.

You know that I love the outdoors,

I do, I do.

I just, God, I just, I don't want to bait the hook,

you know?

But I mean I will climb up whatever

little mountain you want,

I will wear Tevas for Gods sake.

That sounds so good right now.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Okay, okay.

I'm okay.

There is not enough yoga on this planet

that could prepare me for tonight.

But baby,

I am okay.

- Stacy, you know there aren't cell towers

behind the dishwasher.

- I didn't build the grid.

I don't know where the signals are.

- This is fucked.

- This is so fucked.

This is call Bruce Willis and Liam Neeson fucked.

And the Avengers, and the Justice League.

- Sure, just mix the universes.

- And the Power Rangers.

- Oh hell, yes.

Hey what's that...

Do you smell something?

It smells like fresh flowers.

- That's Santal 26.

Of course, Melissa has Le Labo candles.

I want one in here.

If we're gonna die, we're gonna smell amazing.

What the heck?

What are you doing?

That was our drinking water!

- I'm not interested in what you're saying.

- What in the actual fuck, Jillian?

- You do know those candles are worth

like 100 bucks a piece?

- Really?

- Well they are.

- That explains a lot.

They smell amazing.

- I'm taking them.

- Wait, what?

What's...

Jillian!

- Lo, I'm reading your article on long distance love.

You're incredible.

I'm sorry I never read your magazine.

I'm a bad friend.

- Jillian, you just bath bombed our drinking water.

You are the worst friend!

I mean are you trying to kill us?

- We're gonna die anyway.

- We're gonna die a lot faster now, you asshole!

- I'm doing us a favor.

- Get out of the tub, I'm throwing you off the balcony.

- No, just wait.

You can fend for yourself in Chernobyl, Jillian!

- She's gonna angry cry now.

You just pissed off white Oprah.

- Uh, please.

- Fuck you, Jillian.

- Oh, shut up.

- I hope you choke on a dick and die.

- Where exactly does one find a dick in the apocalypse?

- You know what, when I find one,

I'm gonna shove it down your selfish throat!

- I look forward to it.

- Same.

- It's okay, Lo.

- Is it?

- No.

No it really isn't.

Jillian's a bitch, okay?

And you have been nothing but amazing to all of us.

- You've held it together all night.

You deserve to fall apart if you need to.

- I just need to hang on to a little hope, y'all.

I just need the slightest possibility of us surviving this.

Cause I can't handle the thoughts in my head right now.

- What are you thinking?

- That I'm never gonna see Bo again.

And my mom,

or my family.

And what happens if you run out of insulin?

- I mean we're all just gonna have to put up with some shit.

- Oh my God, is it gonna be like Shelby?

- No, I am not gonna be like Shelby.

I fucking hate that movie.

- That's Jillian's favorite movie.

- Oh well fuck Jillian.

The only thing awesome in that movie is Dolly Parton.

- Praise.

- It's still gonna be...

(sighs)

Not okay.

- I'm not mad at Jillian.

- Well, that makes one of us.

- Me neither.

What's the point?

- She's just sad.

I'm sad, too.

And if bath bombs make her feel better,

then I'm glad that she did it.

- Lo, you amaze me.

You like can't stay mad at anybody.

- What's the point?

- Fair point.

- Guys...

- Nobody's mad at you.

- [Jillian] Seriously?

- [All] What's the point?

- Lo.

I thought I broke you.

- Don't flatter yourself.

The potato-haters broke her.

- You still wanna throw me off the balcony?

- Lil bit.

- God, those candles do smell really good though.

- [Stacy] Right.

(laughing)

- [Jillian] Lo.

- Hmm?

- Do you want a cookie?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

Relax.

She's going to get the cookie.

(moans)

- Oh my God.

It's so good.

- I'm starting to think you guys

only keep me around for my cookies.

- And 'cause you're Abby.

Duh.

- Hey.

I hate to interrupt the cooter conference here,

I just wanted to make sure you guys are okay.

Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Cool.

So um, cool.

What you guys doing in here, just hanging out,

eating a cookie?

You meditating on the toilet?

- Yes Frankie, because I typically meditate on the toilet.

Not on a silk poof in my beautifully designed

home yoga studio.

I miss the Buddha nook.

- Where's Stacy at?

- Oh when I left she was spooning the refrigerator

looking for signal.

- I will get a signal.

- That girl is nothing if not determined.

- Frankie,

I never thought that you slept with Michael.

You know I didn't mean it, right?

- Yeah.

We're all good.

Just,

moving on and...

Don't make it weird.

Don't make it weird.

- [PJ] Stay strong for those boys.

Let's get one more call.

Who am I speaking with?

- [Bo] Hi, This is Bo.

I'm calling hoping my girlfriend hears me.

I don't even know what time it is there.

Lo, if you hear me, there's no planes allowed to fly

into the US right now.

I'm sorry I can't be there.

Don't be scared.

I know you're not.

If I know you, you're keeping everyone around you calm.

I'm at Bezmer Air Base.

We're listening constantly.

I'm coming home as soon as I can.

I love you, Loren.

I'll see you soon.

- Loren, if you're listening, your fella loves you.

And stay strong, honey.

- See, not everyone's losing it.

- Well, Loren's got her hands full.

- [Loren] This fucking night.

- [Stacy] I have a signal!

I have a signal!

- What, you do?

- [Stacy] Fuck!

False alarm.

False alarm.

Do y'all think Mel has weed?

- Melissa did invest in solar vapor technology.

- That is not a real thing.

- Yeah it is, it's like the future.

Yeah, space weed.

Oh wait, I know just where to look for weed.

Hold please.

(upbeat music)

Oh my God.

Melissa.

How many of these shirts did you buy?

God.

Oh my God.

Shut up.

Oh, jackpot.

Melissa, what a class act.

♪ Wanna get high ♪

- What flavor is this?

- Purple pajama.

(laughing)

- I think you mean blue dream.

- That'll work.

I have a really good idea.

- What?

- What if you don't braid my hair anymore

and just tousle it?

- Is that tousling?

Who says tousle?

It's like--

- Harder, harder.

- Harder?

- Slower.

- Slower?

- Oh.

- I feel so much better.

- Right?

- I've never been high before.

- Seriously?

- No one ever pushed.

- Of course not.

- I assumed every child star had tried coke

past the age of puberty.

- Nope.

I've just always been scared.

- Of weed?

- Of everything.

- Well, I am totally stoked that

the first time you did it is with us.

- Hashtag me too.

- No, no.

- I mean, I am relaxed, y'all.

I mean I'm still scared, but I'm okay.

It's beyond my control.

- Weed makes you rational, Jill.

- Hush.

(laughing)

(melodic music)

- [Loren] Jackpot.

- Are we gonna play hangman?

- No.

No you know that piece I told you I was writing about?

The piece I was writing.

For next month.

Yeah.

Anyways, no.

I just feel like I really need to finish it

and my battery's about to die,

so I wanna get a copy on paper, you know?

- Yeah well my phone's already dead.

- I left my phone at home.

- What?

- What are you gonna do?

- Look,

we need to talk about this.

This is what keeps eating at me.

When we die,

does it hurt?

- Where did you get that?

You know what, I bet Mel has enough muscle relaxers

to where we could just make a cocktail and go to sleep.

- If you really wanna make it quick she's got a gun.

- Excuse me, what?

- Oh, yeah.

I hate to break it to you, Lo,

but our friend Mel is a Republican.

- No!

- Yes.

- No way.

- I hate her.

- No, you don't, she's one of your best friends.

- Who left us!

To die with nothing but pizza and a gun.

- Okay well she said have at it.

Mel wanted to get some D.

The girl needed to be dicked down before she dies.

You gotta respect her for owning that shit.

- And you're not alone.

- Yeah, we're gonna die together.

With pizza.

- And a gun.

See!

- And Stace, now do you see why Mel didn't use social media?

It's because it was better when we didn't know

our friends political and religious beliefs.

Things were just easier.

There is a beauty in the unity that it can create.

You know, I mean it's frickin' amazing

that we can still keep in touch with our friends,

you know, on the other side of the world.

My God.

But it also sincerely and tremendously

damages interpersonal connections and relationships,

you know?

Sometimes I wish I had an off button

for this verbal diarrhea, but,

pot just makes me wax intellectual.

It's a catch 22.

- Yeah, okay.

Where'd you get that chocolate?

- Right here.

You just like open up a drawer and chocolate appears.

Check it.

- And in her heart, she voted for Hill, okay?

You let me have that.

- Hold please.

Where is the gun?

I need to know.

Statistically, I'm the most likely to get shot.

- No one's gonna shoot you.

- Yeah, no one ever plans on shooting black people.

That shit just happens.

- Okay no one is gonna shoot you, Stacy.

No one is shooting anyone.

- What If I asked you to?

Would you shoot me?

- [All] No.

- Okay.

That settles it.

- [Frankie] Okay, Stacy,

I do have a serious question for you.

- Hashtag safe space?

- Sure, yeah, that's fine.

Stacy,

has your mom

♪ Got it going on ♪

- Oh yeah, okay, like I've never heard that before.

You know what, this is one of those songs

that all white people love.

All of you.

You love that shit.

Get off of me.

- That's how we danced to it in eighth grade.

(laughing)

- No you didn't.

- [Stacy] Signal?

- No.

I'm almost dead.

Well, the phone.

Not me.

Not yet.

I was just looking at pictures of my mom.

We normally talk everyday, and of course today we didn't.

- She knows.

Moms have that kinda instinct.

- How old were you when you lost your mom?

- I had just turned four the week before the accident.

I have the vaguest memory of her.

I was sick, and she came in

and put a cold cloth on my head when I had a fever.

And she had these big blue eyes that said

everything's gonna be okay.

- That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard

come out of your foul mouth.

- What about you Stace?

You never talk about your mom.

- We don't talk much.

- Why not?

I mean, who is Stacy's mom, and does she have it going on?

- Stacy's mom is a very religious woman from the 9th Ward.

She used to be married to a pastor,

and a gay daughter was too much to deal with.

- You have a gay sister?

- Jill,

I am so proud.

I'm seeing a lot of growth.

If I had a gold star, I would give you one.

- Go on, Stace.

- Okay.

So my mom ended up divorcing my dad over it.

They were always fighting over me.

So I perpetuated it.

- What do you mean?

- I would always embellish,

to see how far I could push them.

I know it's fucked up, but...

Y'all probably think I'm a terrible person, huh?

- No.

I think you were a kid who needed attention.

- I appreciate that.

But look, y'all, being gay is one thing,

but being black and gay, in the south,

that shit's not okay.

Not yet.

It's just a recipe for scrutiny.

And I know my mom loves me, that's why she left my dad,

but I just...

- Okay, strictly speaking from a third party

outside objective observer journalistic perspective,

it sounds to me like your mom wants to have

a relationship with her daughter

but she's too afraid to challenge the patriarchal traditions

under which she was brought up.

Under.

Up under?

- Yeah, that sounds about right.

- Is that it?

- Strictly speaking from a journalistic perspective,

you ended that sentence with like 19 prepositions.

- Oh my God, I know!

Fuck, weed kills my grammar.

- Also, I have something.

Clean conscience incoming.

I have had a crush on Frankie for years.

- Me?

- Yes.

This makes so much sense to me.

- I'm flattered, Stace.

I know I'm not the girliest of girls,

but I do still like the P in my V.

- I know.

I just admire you.

You don't care what other people think.

I care so much I hide,

and I lose myself in other people's lives.

Other people's drama means I don't have to focus on mine.

- [Loren] That's heavy, Stace.

And how did you come to that conclusion?

- Therapy.

- You know what?

Fuck it.

Come on.

- What?

- You think I want Tinder Todd to be my last kiss?

Gross.

You know what, you never know.

I've never tried it.

- Are you serious?

- Educate me.

- Um, okay.

- Oh my God.

That was so cute.

- So, should we make out?

- No, hon.

No, you are just very high.

- Yeah.

Okay.

- Aren't we like supposed to go in a closet?

- I'm never going back in the closet.

- So have you ever slept with a man?

- Nope.

- Are you still a virgin?

- No, Frankie, I'm not a virgin.

- Who did you lose your virginity to?

Tell me.

- Since when do you want all the juicy details?

- You're rubbing off on me.

Kiss and tell.

- Oh, I'll never forget it.

I still have the box it came in.

(laughing)

- Oh my God, you just made Loren so proud.

You have to tell her.

With Bo in Bulgaria she is all about

taking care of yourself.

- Oh, you meant with another person?

Yeah, I've done that too.

Her name was Grace Starring.

I was 17.

- Where were you?

- Degayification camp.

I wish I was making that shit up.

- My God.

I love you so much.

That is fantastic.

Alright, lay one on me.

- Geez, Frankie.

You're so romantic.

- You gonna kiss me or not?

- Okay.

So, I'm like really good at it.

You should be warned.

I'm not trying to convert you, but it's happened.

You should know this.

- Please.

- [Stacy] Well?

- Frankie Giffin relationship status, update, bi-curious.

- Y'all are gonna wanna kiss Stacy before you die.

And we don't have much time left

so you're gonna wanna go ahead and make a line.

- The line of two people.

(laughing)

- Boom.

Too soon?

- Little bit.

(melodic music)

- I have a question.

- Hmm?

- Would you rather--

- No. - No.

- Just humor me, okay, it's the end of the world.

Would you rather have a very, very sensitive scrotum

hanging from your chin,

or, shit out of your ear?

- It only gets worse.

Every fucking time.

- It's a rare talent.

- Somebody sees the genius.

- Oh yeah?

Okay what if you sharted out of your ear?

You know you'd go...

(imitates flatulence)

- I found the gun.

- What the fuck Jillian?

- All right, you know what, Jill,

why don't you just give that to me?

- Why?

I'm not gonna shoot anybody!

- [Loren] Jill, give Frankie the gun.

- Why do you guys treat me like a fragile little lamb?

I am not unstable!

- No one's saying that. - Yes you are.

Just give it to me. - There's a gun in your hand.

- So hey, give it to Frankie okay, please?

- You're about to see the beast unleashed.

Fuck.

(laughing)

Screw you guys.

- Unleash the beast!

- It's not funny!

(gunshot)

(screaming)

- [Frankie] Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Hand me the gun.

Drop it.

Drop it.

- Jillian, what if there was people down there?

- I didn't mean to.

- Hello?

- What if the windows are open down there?

Jillian you're letting poisonous air in!

- It was an accident!

- All right, we need to seal this, okay?

Somebody find something.

Other than your ass, Frankie.

- I have a dildo.

- I have washi tape.

- I have Lysol.

- Peen.

- [Loren] Peen.

- Tape.

- [Jillian] Tape.

- Praise.

- Praise.

- Praise.

Don't trip on it.

- Don't shoot anything else.

- [Jillian] I won't.

I'm sorry.

- [Stacy] We should light it for safety.

- Lo, I'm sorry.

- No, don't.

It's fine.

Were there more bath bombs?

- Oh, yeah, there was three or four more.

- Was the water still warm?

- It was hot.

It's probably still warm.

- Okay so I am gonna go put another bath bomb

in what is now strictly our flushing water

and I'm gonna soak in it.

And don't make a thing out of it.

- Gross.

- No, it's not gross.

Shitting out of your ear is gross.

Plus, Jill doesn't have cooties

and if you cut out the would-you-rather questions

I might let you go after me.

- Yeah hard pass.

- Four Women in The End by Loren Atwood.

It's a Thursday night.

Every other Thursday night is girls' night in.

My circle of friends, we meet up at our dear friend's condo.

It's a safe space.

We gossip.

We confide.

We cherish these Thursdays in Nashville.

Tonight, Music City was one of five

American cities attacked.

We don't know why.

We don't know who.

Not yet.

We may never know.

There's sickness.

There's fear.

We're on the 14th floor of a high rise,

and it's almost Christmas.

The building is half empty,

and some panicked and ran outside.

The walls rattled as they stampeded

like a wild herd down the stairs.

But others, like us, stayed put.

Because outside the air is too toxic to breathe.

We are terrified.

But we are not alone.

There's our domestic darling.

She used to be a child star

and she always brings us homemade snicker doodles.

And she wants a baby, though she never had one.

But she's in a place where she can share this

and nobody judges her.

Instead, we rave about her baking skills,

and we tell her we love her, because we do.

There's our guy's girl.

We are her only girl friends.

We trust her.

She makes us laugh with her weird humor.

Occasionally she'll show her soft side

because she knows she can around us.

And she's unapologetically herself.

And for that we applaud her.

And we tell her we love her,

because we do.

Like every group, we've got a drama queen.

Our drama queen loves to gossip.

And since we've come to terms with our own mortality,

we've learned a lot about each other tonight.

We listen to her stories.

We share her heartbreak.

We indulge her.

We accept her.

We even tolerate the Kardashians.

And we tell her we love her,

because we do.

Our career girl owns more property than

all of us combined.

She's the definition of a boss bitch.

This isn't the first time I've written about her.

She makes time for us every other Thursday

as we invade her condo.

She orders a feast.

She turns off her phone.

She vents.

She brags.

She encourages us all to be the best that we can be.

Tonight she left us and she went to be with her lover.

We may never see her again.

But she left us food and water, an emergency radio,

four Le Labo candles, and a ridiculously comfortable bed.

We're not mad.

We want her to be happy.

And we tell her we love her,

because we do.

Then there's me.

I write articles like this to show that as women,

we can't fix the world, and we can't fix each other,

but we can make a difference.

There's a power that's really hard to describe at play here.

It happens when women refuse to compete with each other,

and instead we lift each other up.

We listen.

We commiserate.

We collaborate.

We empathize.

We sympathize.

And dammit, we survive.

A while back talks of an all female reboot

of Lord of the Flies was circulating Hollywood.

Twitter blew up with responses and confusion.

How the hell was that supposed to work?

Some said that it would just be women

sitting around apologizing to each other

'til they're dead.

After tonight, I can see why.

See, this is the all female version of Lord of the Flies,

except, our desert island is a condo

in a Nashville high rise.

And still, we are not taking sides.

Instead we are doing what my favorite tweet

said about the reboot, and it may not be exact,

but I don't have the power to check my sources.

But it's damn close.

And I quote, "An all female Lord of The Flies

"could never work.

"There would be no conflict,

"and it would essentially become the island

"that Wonder Woman grew up on."

Hell yeah, it would.

So, when the dust finally settles

and the air clears,

maybe this is paradise island.

Who knows what will rise from these ruins?

One thing that I do know,

is there's four of us left on the island.

There's no Jack here.

No Ralph or Simon or Piggy.

But there's certainly more than one Wonder Woman.

(clapping)

- What do you think?

- You made her eyes cry.

- Oh Frankie, don't cry.

Oh my God.

- I can't believe that no one is gonna see that in print.

Oh my God, you have to get it to Boss Bitch.

- You have to get it to the radio station.

- You have to.

- I love you guys.

- I love you, too.

- Love you, too.

- I love you guys, too.

- Hey you guys wanna try and get some sleep?

It's getting kinda cold, huh?

- Yeah.

(gentle music)

- Would anyone like to explain why there's

a very large penis taped to my kitchen floor?

(screaming)

- [Frankie] What are you doing here?

- You have to admit that was pretty good.

- It wasn't funny.

- Mel!

- What are you doing here?

- Well number one, I live here,

and two, you didn't think I was gonna

leave you girls behind did you?

- Well...

- No!

No I have a lesbian level love for you girls,

you know this.

- So does Stacy!

- And maybe Frankie.

- Meh.

- Meh?

What do you mean meh?

Scoot over, get out of my bed.

Get out of my bed, get out of my bed.

- Don't let her in!

- Really cozy.

- So how was the D?

- Yes, details, please.

- Oh lady never tells.

- Oh come.

- Nothing happened.

- Nothing happened?

- We cuddled and ate an MRE.

- You cuddled?

You can't get that glow from a cuddle.

(laughing)

- Standard cuddle glove.

- Standard cuddle glove.

- SCG.

- Okay, we have this, plus and a few more gallons of water.

It's all Greg's shit.

He said we should just take it.

Chicken pesto pasta.

- Where is he?

- I have no idea.

He wouldn't tell me where he was going

and I couldn't go with him.

I didn't want to hide in a bunker, gross.

- You have service?

- No, I was just checking.

I don't think so.

- You still have battery?

- Oh yeah, these shark tank lanterns have USB cords.

- [All] What?

- Hey did you guys get the radio to work?

Have you been listening to what's going on?

- Some.

That shit's depressing.

- Hey, if we ration, we have enough for a week.

They're saying a rain storm's coming tomorrow,

which is gonna help clear the air.

And then in a few more days they're gonna

start rescue missions.

- Wait, really?

- Really.

- How many people died?

- A lot, Jilly.

A lot of people.

But, all we can do is wait.

It's not gonna be easy, but we just have to wait.

- Was there a dead guy in the hall?

- Just don't think of all that, okay?

Don't think about that stuff.

It's okay.

It's okay.

- I think you were exposed.

- I think we've pretty much all been

exposed through the air vents.

- Fuck, why didn't I think to cover the vents?

- I think you've sprayed enough Lysol to save us all.

- Damn right I did.

Here's the thing guys,

we've done absolutely everything we can.

I mean Greg and I stayed up all night

cleaning the entire hallway in full rubber suit,

and I learned a life lesson that you're only ever

one rubber suit adventure away

from fitting in your skinny jeans.

So, do I look thinner?

- Yeah girl. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Really good.

- I feel amazing.

Here's the deal guys, okay.

There's 25 units in the building that still have tenants.

We went, we cleared out Greg's entire storage unit,

we distributed all of his supplies

evenly among the tenants.

He took enough for himself and then

we brought the rest here.

So it's just all we can do.

- You never left the building?

- No.

- Wait, so you were up all night distributing

supplies to your tenants?

- Yeah.

- I am so proud to know you right now.

- I mean the captain can't jump ship, right?

Hey, I was just doing my job.

Plus, I love you guys.

There was no way in hell I was gonna leave you behind.

- Correction, this is the all female Dead Poets Society.

Oh captain, my captain.

- Oh captain, my captain.

- Yes!

- I know what you guys are thinking,

and I am not gonna stand on a chair.

This is more of that shit white people love.

- We do love it.

We love that shit.

- How can we help, Mel?

- I think it's all done.

Oh, you guys can help me hang sheets.

- What do you mean?

- Come on.

(gentle music)

- [PJ] We're going now to Mayor Stills of Nashville.

- [Mayor] Good morning, everyone.

Nashville remains under Martial Law.

We ask that no one within eyesight of impact

step outside until further notice.

If you are alive and safe please display

white material in your windows.

If you can write a number of people, please do so.

If there is injury or need of medical attention

please mark with an X.

If you are in need of water please mark with an H.

A winter storm is due to hit Nashville tonight.

When the storm clears, we will continue to

survey the damage and attempt to begin rescue missions.

Stay strong.

Stay safe.

Hunker down.

Tape your windows.

Let us know you're alive.

Government teams are working around the clock

to restore power and communication.

I'm not taking any questions at this time.

- Guys.

All of this cake we're eating is destroying my blood sugar.

- Oh.

- That's insane.

- Ooh.

Speaking of cake.

Melissa.

I've got one for you.

- Okay, shoot.

I can't wait for this.

- Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake,

or sit on a cake and eat a dick?

- That's entirely dependent on whose dick?

- Jamie from Outlander's dick.

- Ooh.

- That's a good one.

Is he in a kilt?

- Duh.

- Wait, where is the uncircumcised

Outlander penis going when you sit on it?

- Ah, very important.

Up the butt.

- Oh, no.

- Of course it is up the butt.

- Fuck that.

I would sit on a cake and eat a dick.

- Jillian, everyone.

- Oh yeah.

Jillian is a new woman, now, Mel.

- [Loren] Oh my God.

- Sweet little Jilly.

- What?

- Sweet Jilly not so sweet anymore.

- You got her.

Somebody get the woman some cake.

(gentle music)

Okay girls, here we go.

I'm gonna go sleep in my room.

I'll take one of you or two if you're lucky.

You can rock paper scissors that shit

or alternate nights or whatever, I don't care.

But I get one hour alone.

And I like to be the little spoon.

- That's fair.

Praise.

- All right everybody, as information becomes available

we will continue to share.

But me and Maggs here...

(sighs)

I'm sorry, y'all.

Here at WBNA FM we are not here to scare you.

We're sending out all of our thoughts and prayers.

We're with you, Nashville.

Tonight,

well tonight I just might play some more music again.

In fact,

this old man stopped by yesterday.

- Campbell Station.

- It's just one of those songs

I think we could all use right now.

What do you think Maggs?

- I couldn't agree with you more PJ.

Let's hear it.

♪ Hope is a promise for better days ♪

♪ I hope it's not too late to make a change ♪

♪ Something's gotta grow out of quite a mess ♪

♪ So I pray for rain ♪

♪ You know I don't mind ♪

♪ Leaving this old world behind ♪

♪ Start over this time and wash it all away ♪

♪ You know I don't mind ♪

♪ Leaving this old world behind ♪

♪ Start over this time and wash it all away ♪

- You guys remember when it was okay to say retarded?

(laughing)

- You gonna go lock yourself in the bathroom and write?

- Hell, no.

It's way too cold in there.

- It's too cold in here.

Hurry back!

- [Loren] You hurry back.

♪ Is this some kind of divine intervention ♪

♪ If you're up there God ♪

♪ Well you got my attention ♪

♪ I hope it aint more of the same ♪

♪ And don't take it the wrong way ♪

♪ But do you hear me when I pray for rain ♪

♪ You know I don't mind ♪

♪ Leaving this old world behind ♪

♪ Start over this time and wash it all away ♪

♪ You know I don't mind ♪

♪ Leaving this old world behind ♪

♪ Start over this time and wash it all away ♪

♪ You know I don't mind ♪

♪ Leaving this old world behind ♪

♪ Start over this time and wash it all away ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I've been told when I fight ♪

♪ I'm not very ladylike ♪

♪ I recall all the times ♪

♪ I had no other choice ♪

♪ I use my words but you don't hear a thing ♪

♪ Underneath your ocean I can't breathe ♪

♪ I will turn the tens into nines ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And show you my ladylike ♪

♪ Uh uh uh oh ♪

- Yeah, I get what you're saying, I just don't care.

(laughing)

- I'm sorry, what?

Stacey Dash wanted to eliminate slavery?

- [Loren] Nope.

(laughing)

- And I'm like dead ass serious.

- [Female] Yeah that wedgie right there.

Let's pick that wedgie out.

- Hey, I hate to break up this taco fest but...

Hate to break up this clam jam here.

Hate to break up this episode of The View but...

I hate to break up the titty committee here.

I hate to break up this flap gathering but...

(laughing)

- What are you doing, that's our bathwater in there.

- [Loren] Nope.

- What did I say?

- [Female] That's our bathwater.

(laughing)

That's our bathwater in there.

- Peen.

- [Loren] Peen.

(laughing)

- For some that run just got me.

- There's 25 units you guys with tenants...

(laughing)

- And that's okay and it doesn't mean I want...

- Strictly speaking from an outsider...

Strictly speaking from an outside perspect...

Strictly speaking from an...

It sounds to me like your mom is...

(laughing)

- Hate to break down the beaver dam here.

Storm the beaver lodge.

Storm the fucking...

I wanna like come in and everyone's going...

(laughing)

- It was from like another planet.

- Have you ever looked at your own vagina?

- I have.

Have you?

You stick a mirror down there.

- Everyone wants to see their own vagina.

- I try to avoid it at all costs.

(laughing)

That thing doesn't make any appearances.

- I just wear a mirror like all the time.

To happen, so we could wear that outfit.

(laughing)

- Sorry.

♪ Show you my ladylike ♪