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1
00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:04,404
HOST (on TV):Hang on to your guac,
2
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:06,707
'cause it's time for...
3
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:10,043
AUDIENCE:
America's... Funniest... People
4
00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:11,578
Getting Out of... a Booth
5
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:15,516
in a Mexican... Restaurant.
6
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:19,453
Uh�oh. Looks like Junior has to
go to the little señor's room.
7
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,988
(in child's voice):
"This vinyl booth is sticky.
8
00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:22,723
Why did I wear shorts?"
9
00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:25,659
Ooh�hoo, my thighs are stinging
just looking at that.
10
00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:27,794
(sighs loudly)
11
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,163
This.
12
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:32,432
This is how
I want to remember y'all.
13
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:34,067
Gram, are you okay?
14
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,803
Violet, I want you
to have this.
15
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:41,475
200 AC/DC dollars
from the "Moneytalks" tour.
16
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,477
Since Brexit, they're worth more
17
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,012
than the pound. (sniffles)
18
00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:46,346
Thanks?
19
00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:49,149
Wayne, take care of my Jenny.
20
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:53,153
And just know that I was hard
on you 'cause I care about you.
21
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,088
(grunts)
Um... thanks?
22
00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:56,890
What the heck is going on?
23
00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,859
This is extra, even for Gram.
24
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,360
Ugh. Oh, no.
25
00:01:00,427 --> 00:01:02,529
A few years ago,
that stupid psychic she goes to
26
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,264
told her what day
she was gonna die.
27
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:06,066
Violet, hand me that calendar.
28
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,302
Yup, it's today all right.
29
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:10,304
Oh, so she seriously thinks
she's gonna die
30
00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:13,006
by the stroke of midnight?
Amazing.
31
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,976
Oh... Lord!
32
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,345
And, Jenny, my precious angel...
33
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,713
Oh, it's still going.
34
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,848
I can only imagine
how hard it was
35
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,383
for you to have such a strong
36
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,686
and captivating woman
as your mother.
37
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,454
But soon you'll be free
38
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:30,591
from the pressure
of living in my shadow.
39
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,893
�Good Lord.
�(clears throat)
40
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:36,330
Anything else you want to say
before I go to be with Jesus?
41
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:38,231
Fine, Mother, you were never,
ever a burden,
42
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:39,733
a great mom,
and every day was a gift.
43
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,737
Oh, thank you, baby,
for telling me the truth.
44
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:49,977
Fare thee well,
mon Ferrero Rochers.
45
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,678
(upbeat music, laughter on TV)
46
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,155
How do you like your
blue�eyed girl, Mr. Death?
47
00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:05,359
Jesus, I am coming your way.
48
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,861
And three, two.
49
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:10,464
BETTY:
Oh, what the hell?!
50
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:13,533
I've been bamboozled!
51
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:45,766
♪ ♪
52
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,736
Oh, are you going fishing with
your ding�dong friends today?
53
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:52,272
Hey, those ding�dong friends
are my friends.
54
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,341
And getting them
to go fishing was not easy.
55
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,977
Their idea of what's fun
is pretty different than mine.
56
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,612
Hey, homes.
57
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,947
Five bucks says
you won't eat this light bulb.
58
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,416
�You're on.
�No!
59
00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:05,018
Guys, do not jump
into the garden center.
60
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,520
You will break your ankles.
61
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,555
We already broke our ankles.
62
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,691
You can't rebreak an ankle.
63
00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,694
PETER:
Insulation smackdown!
64
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,730
You guys, that fiberglass is
gonna make you itchy as hell.
65
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,733
Sounds like you're itching
to get tackled, homie.
66
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,168
(both grunting)
67
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,170
Their credo is basically
"What doesn't kill me
68
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:24,771
�makes me funner."
�(Betty groans)
69
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:28,341
Well, like Jesus once said,
"I'm back."
70
00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:30,844
Betty, I'm so glad
you're still with us.
71
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,612
Don't rub it in, Wayne.
72
00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:34,448
Gram, just so you know, I was
gonna pretend you were a ghost
73
00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:36,316
when you came out,
but Mom wouldn't let me.
74
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,452
Thank you, baby.
Stupid psychic.
75
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,854
I sunk good money
into this death:
76
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:43,590
put a casket on layaway,
got a mold of my bust
77
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,826
to be sent to the original
members of Whitesnake,
78
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:49,596
and let's not forget
the Betty Hart Memorial Garden.
79
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,198
Yeah, who could have predicted
80
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,666
former interior decorator�
turned�psychic
81
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,335
Vohnnie Ray Power
would have ripped you off?
82
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,504
Yeah, technically,
he ripped you off.
83
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,506
I used your bank card.
84
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,008
Seriously?! Ooh, you are such
a pain in my butt all the time.
85
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,343
We are going down there
right now
86
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,278
and getting our...
my money back.
87
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:06,813
I'm so excited.
88
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,415
Do you think Vohnnie Ray
knows we're on our way?
89
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,916
�No.
�Oh, yes.
90
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,952
(entry bell jingles)
91
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,854
I can't believe you're making us
go fishing, homes.
92
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,956
DOUG: And I can't believe
you wouldn't let me ride
93
00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:18,792
Cape Fear style
on the way over here.
94
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:22,362
I'm not letting you strap
yourself under my truck, Doug.
95
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:25,098
Whoa, what the hell is this?
96
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,033
RUTH:
That there is either
97
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,037
God's biggest mistake
or the devil's masterpiece.
98
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,839
It's called a snakehead,
99
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,308
and it's been gobbling up
everything in sight
100
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,577
in every waterway
on the East Coast.
101
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,346
And now it's here in Greenpoint.
102
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,214
Yeah? So what?
We got a new fish.
103
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,582
What's the big deal, brahs?
104
00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:45,719
This is no ordinary "fursh"!
105
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,588
It can breathe on land
for hours at a time.
106
00:04:48,655 --> 00:04:51,858
It's as smart as a dumb
five�year�old child.
107
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:57,697
And it secretes a neurotoxin
that is more powerful than LSD.
108
00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:59,065
Oh, hell yeah.
109
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,034
Aw, got to catch that fish,
homes.
110
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,402
Geez, where did it come from?
111
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,437
They say Asia,
but if you ask me,
112
00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:06,473
they are not of this world.
113
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,275
They're killing all the fish.
114
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,410
And they're coming after us
next, boys.
115
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:13,180
Ruth, don't scare the customers.
116
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:15,248
But, seriously,
if y'all do catch a snakehead,
117
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,716
do not put it back in the water.
118
00:05:16,783 --> 00:05:19,853
Put it on ice, and call
the snakehead tip line.
119
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,388
�(airhorn blows)
�Aah!
120
00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:23,323
Did you just huff an airhorn?
121
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,492
Ever since my run�in
with a snakehead,
122
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:28,295
it's the only thing
that keeps me sane.
123
00:05:28,361 --> 00:05:30,030
(airhorn blows)
124
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:32,299
Like we have a hundred dollars
125
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:33,767
�to spend on this horse crap.
�Oh, what do you care?
126
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,369
When I was about to die,
you didn't even sniff.
127
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,638
Let me in,
you dollar store sorcerer!
128
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,674
I cannot wait for this spiritual
shaman to confirm
129
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:45,312
what I've always known:
that I am a witch.
130
00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:47,280
Violet, you are not a witch.
131
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,317
I have BWE�� big witch energy.
132
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:53,353
Where are you?
Come on out, Nostra�dumb�ass.
133
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,655
VOHNNIE:
Hello? Hello?
134
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,793
Sorry. I just was
in the little wizard's room.
135
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,394
(chuckles, gasps)
136
00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:03,797
Betty Jean Hart,
as I live and breathe!
137
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,665
More like,
as I live and breathe.
138
00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:07,868
You told me
my death day was yesterday,
139
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,870
and here I am, still alive.
140
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,905
That is a refund situation.
141
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:15,408
We're not leaving until
you give us our money back.
142
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:18,645
Oh. Oh, I see
what's going on here.
143
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,314
Betty, you thought I was talking
about your physical death,
144
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:25,051
but what I was talking about was
your metaphorical death.
145
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,519
�(gasps)
�Here we go.
146
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:27,787
Of course.
147
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,556
How could I have ever
doubted you, Vohnnie?
148
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,424
You're still giving
our money back.
149
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,426
Minus the cost of this book��
Bun in the Coven:
150
00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:35,695
Motherhood, Witchcraft,and the Ties That Bind.
151
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,631
I have to have it.
Please, please, please.
152
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:42,302
Oh, no. Hold on a second.
I'm sensing a dark energy.
153
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,670
Yes! I knew it.
154
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,038
It's me. Here it comes.
155
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,339
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
156
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,709
No, it's coming from her.
157
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,279
�What?
�Betty, I don't know how to tell you this,
158
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:54,214
but your daughter is cursed.
159
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:55,916
Going back a long way.
160
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:58,318
It's in her blood.
161
00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,120
Oh, so I ask for our money back,
and suddenly I'm cursed?
162
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:01,588
Okay, watch this.
163
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,723
So how much to lift
this convenient curse
164
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,058
you just discovered?
165
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,794
Oh, I'm afraid
this curse runs so dark
166
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:11,197
and so deep,
no amount of money can lift it.
167
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,466
�No! My daughter!
�But since I'm her daughter,
168
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:14,834
I've got some of it, right?
169
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:16,670
I'm at least a minor hag
or a necromancer?
170
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:19,272
Ugh! I can't be around
all y'all's darkness!
171
00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:21,508
This reading was free.
Take the book. Just get out!
172
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:24,010
At least tell me
my real death date.
173
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,412
Or better yet, hers.
174
00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:27,514
When am I gonna bury
my daughter?
175
00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:30,283
Y'all saw what just
happened, right?
176
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,085
He made us think
we saved a hundred dollars
177
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,155
when all he did was keep
the hundred he already had.
178
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,023
But, Jenny, you're cursed.
179
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:38,625
Oh, come on. I'm not cursed.
180
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,427
That's ridiculous.
181
00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:41,761
(caws)
182
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,363
Oh, no, no, hang on.
183
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:45,198
A bird bathrooming on you
is considered good luck.
184
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,800
(caws)
185
00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,602
What does it mean
when two more birds poop on you?
186
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:53,173
It means you're triple lucky,
so nothing's wrong.
187
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,309
Just stepped in dog doo,
then gum.
188
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:57,911
I know what I stepped in.
189
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,146
Uh, Mom?
190
00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:04,317
Ugh! Still there!
191
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,619
(scraping with shoe)
192
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,756
Ugh! Just get in the car!
193
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,125
See, isn't this nice?
194
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:15,495
Nobody's eating glass
or other non�food items.
195
00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:19,132
Let's just take a minute
and enjoy the sounds of nature.
196
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,266
(water bubbling)
197
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,267
(whimpering)
198
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,236
You hooked my eyelid!
199
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:25,005
Aah, dang it!
200
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,107
You got my eyelid, too, homes.
201
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,576
Oh, Wayne,
get a picture of this.
202
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:32,178
Okay, you know what? Maybe we
should just pull the boat in
203
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,280
and then just go home
and go to sleep.
204
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,417
(chuckles)
This is crazy. That fish
205
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,085
�looks just like the snake...
�(hisses)
206
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,153
Oh, my God!
207
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:43,256
(Peter screaming)
208
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,029
WAYNE:
No. Come here, bastard.
209
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,630
(Doug and Peter groaning)
210
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:51,965
Let go, homes.
211
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,566
Let me lick that LSD fish.
212
00:08:54,082 --> 00:08:55,884
Yeah, you heard
what that lady said.
213
00:08:55,951 --> 00:08:57,752
�This fish is full of drugs.
�No.
214
00:08:57,819 --> 00:09:01,423
She said that its slime is
a dangerous neurotoxin.
215
00:09:01,490 --> 00:09:03,658
That's why I want to lick it.
216
00:09:03,725 --> 00:09:05,160
Nobody's messing
with this fish.
217
00:09:05,227 --> 00:09:06,661
We had a hard enough time
218
00:09:06,728 --> 00:09:08,196
getting it into the cooler
without touching it.
219
00:09:08,263 --> 00:09:11,199
Okay, Wayne. You're right.
We shouldn't lick it.
220
00:09:11,266 --> 00:09:14,069
Oh, we should fast�track that
buzz by putting it in our rears.
221
00:09:14,135 --> 00:09:16,471
You know, booty�chug
that thing, dude.
222
00:09:16,538 --> 00:09:19,407
Oh, hell yeah!
Let's keister that fish!
223
00:09:19,474 --> 00:09:21,076
No. No licking, no keistering.
224
00:09:21,142 --> 00:09:22,577
We're gonna follow
the instructions
225
00:09:22,644 --> 00:09:24,946
and call
the snakehead tip line...
226
00:09:25,013 --> 00:09:27,415
Hello? Snakehead tip line?
This is Wayne Edwards.
227
00:09:27,482 --> 00:09:30,685
I have a snakehead, and if
y'all don't pay us $20,000,
228
00:09:30,752 --> 00:09:32,721
�I'm�a set it free.
�What?! What are you doing?
229
00:09:32,787 --> 00:09:35,123
It's the most wanted fish
in North Carolina, man.
230
00:09:35,190 --> 00:09:38,126
People would pay us good money
to not release this hostage.
231
00:09:38,193 --> 00:09:40,595
�It's a reverse ransom.
�Terrible idea.
232
00:09:40,662 --> 00:09:42,864
Now give me... that... phone.
233
00:09:42,931 --> 00:09:44,299
�(Peter grunting)
�WAYNE: The snakehead!
234
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:47,502
Dang, that thing really
can survive on land.
235
00:09:47,569 --> 00:09:49,871
I hate to be
the I�told�you�so guy,
236
00:09:49,938 --> 00:09:51,740
but this whole thing
could have been avoided
237
00:09:51,806 --> 00:09:53,742
if that fish was in my rear.
238
00:09:53,808 --> 00:09:56,878
Welp, looks like
this fishing trip
239
00:09:56,945 --> 00:09:59,848
just turned into a hunting trip.
240
00:10:02,617 --> 00:10:04,886
Can't believe you're cursed.
Lucky.
241
00:10:04,953 --> 00:10:06,454
Violet, what are you wearing?
242
00:10:06,521 --> 00:10:08,623
Well, you heard what
Vohnnie said. I'm not a witch.
243
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:10,458
I'm just a total boring normal.
244
00:10:10,525 --> 00:10:13,461
Might as well just go ahead
and embrace my lame destiny.
245
00:10:13,528 --> 00:10:15,997
Meanwhile, in a minute,
you'll probably have snakes
246
00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:18,166
crawling out of your earholes
and stuff.
247
00:10:18,233 --> 00:10:20,869
Violet, I'm not cursed.
Curses aren't real.
248
00:10:20,936 --> 00:10:22,871
Ow! Who moved this table?!
249
00:10:22,938 --> 00:10:25,040
Hi, Jenny. You got a little
surprise in the mail.
250
00:10:25,106 --> 00:10:28,043
Hmm. Okay. Now, would a cursed
person get a nice surprise
251
00:10:28,109 --> 00:10:30,612
in the mail?
I don't think so.
252
00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:32,314
You got jury duty.
253
00:10:32,380 --> 00:10:33,915
I thought you said
it was a surprise.
254
00:10:33,982 --> 00:10:35,917
You seem surprised.
255
00:10:35,984 --> 00:10:38,186
When you're dancing
with the devil,
256
00:10:38,253 --> 00:10:39,854
could you put
in a bad word for me?
257
00:10:39,921 --> 00:10:42,257
See if you can get me
some Carrie powers.
258
00:10:42,324 --> 00:10:43,959
There is no curse.
259
00:10:44,025 --> 00:10:46,328
Okay? I'm just having a bad day.
260
00:10:46,394 --> 00:10:48,697
�(whoosh)
�Bad things happen to one person
261
00:10:48,763 --> 00:10:49,965
over and over again
all the time.
262
00:10:50,031 --> 00:10:51,566
(chuckles):
It's called life.
263
00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:52,867
�And when you're an adult...
�Mom.
264
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:54,069
...life just starts to feel
265
00:10:54,135 --> 00:10:55,804
�like one big curse.
�Mom.
266
00:10:55,870 --> 00:10:57,939
But you have to power through.
267
00:10:58,006 --> 00:10:59,674
�Mom, your bed's on fire!
�(fire alarm beeping)
268
00:10:59,741 --> 00:11:01,242
Oh, my God!
269
00:11:01,309 --> 00:11:03,511
I'm cursed.
270
00:11:03,578 --> 00:11:05,747
Why'd you have to use my phone?
271
00:11:05,814 --> 00:11:07,515
Now they're gonna trace the call
and come after us.
272
00:11:07,582 --> 00:11:10,018
Oh, come on, Wayne.
Holding this fish for ransom's
273
00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:11,886
gonna be way more fun
than regular fishing.
274
00:11:11,953 --> 00:11:14,356
Doing ransom is not fun.
275
00:11:14,422 --> 00:11:15,991
Look, homeses.
276
00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:17,759
PETER:
Let's grab it.
277
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,196
Easy. Easy, now.
278
00:11:21,262 --> 00:11:22,631
Gotcha!
279
00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:28,036
Please, Wayne, I need your help.
280
00:11:28,103 --> 00:11:30,038
I need to get back
to my home planet,
281
00:11:30,105 --> 00:11:34,175
Blockteetapolakatatee 7.
282
00:11:34,242 --> 00:11:36,511
And this is
a real�life E. T. situation.
283
00:11:36,578 --> 00:11:38,179
SNAKEHEAD:No.
284
00:11:38,246 --> 00:11:40,849
E.T.s aremy species' mortal enemy.
285
00:11:40,915 --> 00:11:43,485
Everyone thinks they're so cut,
286
00:11:43,551 --> 00:11:47,055
but they're actuallya planet of serial fondlers.
287
00:11:47,122 --> 00:11:50,625
They fondle
our nips and bits, Wayne.
288
00:11:50,692 --> 00:11:54,462
�What?
�SNAKEHEAD: Oh,the things they do to us, Wayn.
289
00:11:54,529 --> 00:11:56,798
The inappropriate jokes,
290
00:11:56,865 --> 00:11:59,934
commenting on the sizeof our mucus sacs.
291
00:12:00,001 --> 00:12:03,004
We always have to say,
"Our eyes are up here."
292
00:12:03,071 --> 00:12:04,606
And those light�up fingers?
293
00:12:04,673 --> 00:12:07,475
Oh, they put them everywhere.
294
00:12:07,542 --> 00:12:11,012
Everywhere, Wayne!
295
00:12:11,813 --> 00:12:14,049
Hold on. You're talking
about that cute little dude
296
00:12:14,115 --> 00:12:15,884
in the Blossom hat
that eats Reese's Pieces?
297
00:12:15,950 --> 00:12:20,655
What's cute on your planet
is aggressively creepy on ours.
298
00:12:20,722 --> 00:12:22,557
So, what are you doing here?
299
00:12:23,358 --> 00:12:27,862
We need a new homeworld,
and yours looks delicious.
300
00:12:27,929 --> 00:12:29,864
Pretty standard sci�fi stuff.
301
00:12:29,931 --> 00:12:31,933
�Wait, so you mean...
�Ding, ding, ding.
302
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,636
Winner, winner, human dinner.
303
00:12:34,703 --> 00:12:37,906
�No! No!
�(snakehead laughs)
304
00:12:37,972 --> 00:12:42,177
(distorted):
Wayne, you okay, man?
305
00:12:46,314 --> 00:12:47,949
Aw, it got away, homes.
306
00:12:48,016 --> 00:12:49,684
Wayne, are you all right?
307
00:12:49,751 --> 00:12:51,386
You fellas wanted to go fishing?
308
00:12:51,453 --> 00:12:53,455
�Not really, but okay.
�Well...
309
00:12:54,289 --> 00:12:57,258
�We're going fishing.
�PETER AND DOUG: Huh?
310
00:12:57,325 --> 00:12:59,527
Whoop, do you think
there was any on my han...
311
00:12:59,594 --> 00:13:02,063
(distorted groan)
312
00:13:02,864 --> 00:13:04,799
What in the hell?
313
00:13:04,866 --> 00:13:06,534
This is it.
The beginning of the end.
314
00:13:06,601 --> 00:13:09,037
I mean, who even knows
if I'm gonna wake up tomorrow.
315
00:13:09,104 --> 00:13:10,772
None of this would have happened
if you hadn't
316
00:13:10,839 --> 00:13:14,142
roped me into your phony�baloney
psychic BS, Mother.
317
00:13:14,209 --> 00:13:15,510
Says the woman
who thinks she's cursed.
318
00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:16,878
Well, what else could it be?
319
00:13:16,945 --> 00:13:18,747
A row of sick crows
diarrhea�ed on me.
320
00:13:18,813 --> 00:13:20,148
And I tried to play it off
at the time,
321
00:13:20,215 --> 00:13:22,851
but that bird poo was very warm,
which is gross.
322
00:13:22,917 --> 00:13:25,186
Then I broke my toe.
And the crap cherry on top
323
00:13:25,253 --> 00:13:28,289
�was that I also got jury duty.
�Wait, jury duty?
324
00:13:28,356 --> 00:13:30,391
Yeah. That's the one
you want to focus on?
325
00:13:30,458 --> 00:13:32,327
Hello, Gram. Bed of fire?
326
00:13:32,393 --> 00:13:34,162
Well, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,
327
00:13:34,229 --> 00:13:37,332
but I think the jury duty thing
might be on me.
328
00:13:37,398 --> 00:13:41,202
How is it that I've gotten
jury duty twice in three years
329
00:13:41,269 --> 00:13:43,838
and my daughter
hasn't had to do it once?
330
00:13:43,905 --> 00:13:46,908
Huh, is that so? Well,
I'll be sure to let them know.
331
00:13:46,975 --> 00:13:48,343
Why would you say that? Ow!
332
00:13:48,409 --> 00:13:50,245
That is the fifth time
that has happened today.
333
00:13:50,311 --> 00:13:53,782
Again, y'all, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,
334
00:13:53,848 --> 00:13:55,784
but I think I caused
your broken toe
335
00:13:55,850 --> 00:13:58,052
and probably that knee thing
that just happened.
336
00:13:58,119 --> 00:14:01,356
�How?
�To counteract the curse, I feng shui�ed the house
337
00:14:01,422 --> 00:14:04,225
and moved all the furniture over
an inch and a half.
338
00:14:04,292 --> 00:14:05,760
Oh, and that bird poop?
339
00:14:05,827 --> 00:14:07,495
We might haveanother helps/hurts here.
340
00:14:07,562 --> 00:14:10,865
I may have spit my gum outand dropped a bunch of prunes,
341
00:14:10,932 --> 00:14:12,934
Jolly Ranchersand other purse items
342
00:14:13,001 --> 00:14:15,837
onto the sidewalk outsidethe psychic Vohnnie's house.
343
00:14:15,904 --> 00:14:18,606
�Why did you have all that?
�Because she's insane.
344
00:14:18,673 --> 00:14:20,008
It doesn't matter.
345
00:14:20,074 --> 00:14:21,876
So, a few of those curse things
were you,
346
00:14:21,943 --> 00:14:24,145
but there's no way you caused
my bed to catch on fire.
347
00:14:24,212 --> 00:14:27,749
�No way, Jose.
That one was all curse. �I was wrong.
348
00:14:27,816 --> 00:14:29,184
Curses aren't fun.
349
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:31,219
They're horrifying. Aah!
350
00:14:31,286 --> 00:14:33,021
What the heck is that?
351
00:14:33,087 --> 00:14:35,023
Gram, I don't know
if this helps or hurts,
352
00:14:35,089 --> 00:14:37,325
but it looks like
your crystal dream catcher
353
00:14:37,392 --> 00:14:39,060
is an Etsy death ray.
354
00:14:39,127 --> 00:14:41,296
Oh, great.
I know what that means.
355
00:14:41,362 --> 00:14:43,798
I'm the albatross
around your neck.
356
00:14:43,865 --> 00:14:46,668
I'm the one
who's been ruining your life.
357
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:48,436
I'm the curse.
358
00:14:49,237 --> 00:14:51,706
Jenny, this is the part
where you say
359
00:14:51,773 --> 00:14:54,242
I've never been a burden,
I'm a great mom
360
00:14:54,309 --> 00:14:55,777
and every day is a gift.
361
00:14:55,844 --> 00:14:57,779
No. I'm starting to realize
that all the bad things
362
00:14:57,846 --> 00:14:59,147
that have happened to me
all these years
363
00:14:59,214 --> 00:15:00,748
are because of you.
You're the curse.
364
00:15:00,815 --> 00:15:03,918
You're the dog poop
and gum on my shoe.
365
00:15:06,221 --> 00:15:09,524
All right, soldiers.
Stay frosty.
366
00:15:10,325 --> 00:15:13,394
I've been in its head.
I know how it thinks.
367
00:15:13,461 --> 00:15:15,396
�Wayne is so cool now.
�This is so not boring, homes.
368
00:15:15,463 --> 00:15:18,066
Whoa, whoa! Don't step there.
369
00:15:18,132 --> 00:15:19,601
Trip wire.
370
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:22,203
Nothing's getting in
or out of here
371
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:23,872
without us knowing it.
372
00:15:23,938 --> 00:15:27,475
(distorted breathing)
373
00:15:27,542 --> 00:15:29,310
Shh! You hear that?
374
00:15:29,377 --> 00:15:31,412
It's in the trees.
375
00:15:31,479 --> 00:15:34,749
It's a fish. There's no way
it's in the... (screaming)
376
00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:36,284
Don't let him
lay his eggs in you!
377
00:15:37,418 --> 00:15:38,653
Ugh!
378
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,022
�(hisses)
�Hey! Hey!
379
00:15:41,089 --> 00:15:43,892
�It took the car keys.
�Looks like our fishing trip
380
00:15:43,958 --> 00:15:45,793
that turned into a hunting trip
381
00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:48,563
just turned into a camping trip.
382
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,669
So cold. So thirsty.
383
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:56,804
Yeah, you're thirsty.
384
00:15:56,871 --> 00:15:58,973
But I bet I know
who's thirstier.
385
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,541
♪ ♪
386
00:16:00,608 --> 00:16:04,646
Snakehead!
387
00:16:04,712 --> 00:16:06,514
I know you can't breathe
on land forever.
388
00:16:06,581 --> 00:16:08,650
I'm guessing
you could really use
389
00:16:08,716 --> 00:16:10,451
a little H2O right now.
390
00:16:10,518 --> 00:16:12,320
All you got to do is come out
391
00:16:12,387 --> 00:16:14,822
�and get it.
�(hisses)
392
00:16:17,258 --> 00:16:19,294
(gasping)
393
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:21,195
That's it.
394
00:16:22,363 --> 00:16:23,598
Gotcha!
395
00:16:23,665 --> 00:16:26,334
�(screams)
�Wayne!
396
00:16:26,401 --> 00:16:28,503
�(thud)
�Oh, man.
397
00:16:28,569 --> 00:16:30,805
He even died cool.
398
00:16:35,209 --> 00:16:39,147
Snakehead,
time for you to phone home.
399
00:16:39,213 --> 00:16:42,784
�(Betty wails)
�Gram, please stop packing.
400
00:16:42,850 --> 00:16:44,018
You are not moving out.
401
00:16:44,085 --> 00:16:45,753
Violet, you heard your mother.
402
00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:48,156
I am a curse on this family.
403
00:16:48,222 --> 00:16:51,693
I should have died
on my death day.
404
00:16:51,759 --> 00:16:53,294
Mother, you're being ridiculous.
405
00:16:53,361 --> 00:16:55,763
Use my rolling suitcase.
You can fit more crap in there.
406
00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:58,032
Mom, why are you
encouraging her?
407
00:16:58,099 --> 00:16:59,634
Because she's a pain in my butt.
408
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:01,869
She always has been,
she always will be.
409
00:17:01,936 --> 00:17:04,706
Look, we drive each other crazy,
so maybe we need a little break.
410
00:17:04,772 --> 00:17:06,374
Or a big one.
411
00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:07,976
�(sobbing)
�Gram,
412
00:17:08,042 --> 00:17:09,744
don't you think
it's a little melodramatic
413
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:11,779
to storm out of a house
that you own?
414
00:17:11,846 --> 00:17:13,648
Violet, hush. Stay out of this.
415
00:17:13,715 --> 00:17:15,149
Don't you yell at my grandbaby.
416
00:17:15,216 --> 00:17:17,051
�Mother, shut up.
�Once I waltz out that door,
417
00:17:17,118 --> 00:17:18,586
�she's all I got left.
�Stop making this all about you.
418
00:17:18,653 --> 00:17:19,754
Look, we drive
each other crazy...
419
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:20,788
Don't you yell at my grandbaby.
420
00:17:20,855 --> 00:17:21,856
(overlapping arguing)
421
00:17:21,923 --> 00:17:24,726
Mother, you're being ridiculous.
422
00:17:25,693 --> 00:17:28,196
Mom, Gram, stop.
I'm getting a vision.
423
00:17:28,262 --> 00:17:30,498
I know how to solve this.
424
00:17:30,565 --> 00:17:32,800
♪ ♪
425
00:17:36,904 --> 00:17:38,840
WAYNE:
Mayor Webb!
426
00:17:38,906 --> 00:17:41,109
Did the snakehead tip line
tell you about our call?
427
00:17:41,175 --> 00:17:44,145
Told me?
I am the snakehead tip line.
428
00:17:44,212 --> 00:17:46,314
I'm also the anonymous
illegal dumping tip line
429
00:17:46,381 --> 00:17:47,982
and the suicide hotline,
430
00:17:48,049 --> 00:17:50,018
but they're the same number,
so whenever I answer the phone,
431
00:17:50,084 --> 00:17:52,653
I just say,
"Don't throw it all away."
432
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,323
It works for both. Well, anyway,
433
00:17:55,390 --> 00:17:57,358
�I have your 20 grand.
�Forget about the money.
434
00:17:57,425 --> 00:17:59,027
We got to destroy this fish.
435
00:17:59,093 --> 00:18:00,661
And call the Marines,
the Coast Guard
436
00:18:00,728 --> 00:18:01,963
and the Men in Blacks,
437
00:18:02,030 --> 00:18:03,598
'cause I got word
there's more coming.
438
00:18:03,664 --> 00:18:05,633
More coming?
439
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:07,769
(hissing)
440
00:18:08,569 --> 00:18:10,204
We're surrounded.
441
00:18:10,271 --> 00:18:11,372
♪ ♪
442
00:18:11,439 --> 00:18:15,676
♪ Oh ♪
443
00:18:16,978 --> 00:18:19,013
(scatting)
444
00:18:21,249 --> 00:18:24,218
♪ Sea is neat,but land is grand ♪
445
00:18:24,285 --> 00:18:26,521
♪ Who needs the waterwhen you've got sand? ♪
446
00:18:26,587 --> 00:18:31,459
♪ No thanks, gills,we've got the thrills of land ♪
447
00:18:31,526 --> 00:18:33,127
(scatting)
448
00:18:36,931 --> 00:18:39,600
♪ Underwater is just all wet ♪
449
00:18:39,667 --> 00:18:42,303
♪ So we became a double threat ♪
450
00:18:42,370 --> 00:18:44,605
♪ Terra firma ♪
451
00:18:44,672 --> 00:18:47,108
♪ Just got more squirma. ♪
452
00:18:47,175 --> 00:18:49,310
Fellas. Fellas.
453
00:18:49,377 --> 00:18:51,345
Are you okay?
454
00:18:51,412 --> 00:18:52,880
(whimpering)
455
00:18:52,947 --> 00:18:56,484
Classic snakehead hallucination.
456
00:18:56,551 --> 00:18:59,487
The fish. The fish!
Where is he? Did you get him?
457
00:18:59,554 --> 00:19:00,888
No, you did.
458
00:19:00,955 --> 00:19:03,091
�RUTH: You're a hero, Wayne.
�(hissing)
459
00:19:03,157 --> 00:19:04,959
You passed out,
but you never let go.
460
00:19:05,026 --> 00:19:07,895
What's gonna happen
to the fish, homes?
461
00:19:07,962 --> 00:19:10,698
We'll return him to Asia,
where he can start a new life
462
00:19:10,765 --> 00:19:13,067
with his family
in his natural habitat.
463
00:19:13,134 --> 00:19:14,502
Ah!
464
00:19:17,572 --> 00:19:20,741
(air horn blares)
465
00:19:21,576 --> 00:19:23,511
BETTY:Violet, what is all this?
466
00:19:23,578 --> 00:19:25,713
The ceremony works best
467
00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:28,316
if we're close to the moon.
468
00:19:28,382 --> 00:19:29,684
Or whatever.
469
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,553
�A séance?
�It's the only way.
470
00:19:32,620 --> 00:19:34,522
"Spirits of the alternate realm,
471
00:19:34,589 --> 00:19:38,226
"we summon thee and ask of you
this one simple favor.
472
00:19:38,292 --> 00:19:41,963
�Do not lift this curse."
�Wait, wh�wh�wh�wh�what?
473
00:19:42,029 --> 00:19:45,566
Look, all daughters
are driven crazy by their moms,
474
00:19:45,633 --> 00:19:47,135
and all mothers are driven crazy
475
00:19:47,201 --> 00:19:48,736
trying to protect
their daughters.
476
00:19:48,803 --> 00:19:50,404
So, I'm not a curse on Jenny?
477
00:19:50,471 --> 00:19:53,040
Oh, no, you definitely are.
And Mom's a curse to me.
478
00:19:53,107 --> 00:19:55,843
I mean, I've already inherited
her stubbornness,
479
00:19:55,910 --> 00:19:58,079
just like she inherited
your gullibility.
480
00:19:58,146 --> 00:20:00,882
And you are totally turning
into Gram, but that's okay.
481
00:20:00,948 --> 00:20:03,784
Our quirks are annoying,
but they shape who we are
482
00:20:03,851 --> 00:20:05,286
and connect us to each other.
483
00:20:05,353 --> 00:20:06,954
The important thing here
484
00:20:07,021 --> 00:20:10,691
is no matter what,
we love each other to death.
485
00:20:10,758 --> 00:20:12,927
So, curse, do your worst.
486
00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:15,296
So I have said,
so let it be done.
487
00:20:15,363 --> 00:20:16,397
�(thunder crashes)
�(spits)
488
00:20:16,464 --> 00:20:17,565
So I have said,
489
00:20:17,632 --> 00:20:19,700
so let it be done.
(spits)
490
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:22,370
�Great. I guess we're done here.
�JENNY: Violet,
491
00:20:22,436 --> 00:20:23,704
spit in your hand now.
492
00:20:23,771 --> 00:20:26,641
(spits)
So I have said,
493
00:20:26,707 --> 00:20:27,942
so let it be done.
494
00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:30,244
The Hart women have spoken.
495
00:20:30,311 --> 00:20:31,479
�(whoops)
�(gasps)
496
00:20:31,546 --> 00:20:32,713
Mother, watch it!
497
00:20:32,780 --> 00:20:34,282
�Mom, a spider web! Ew!
�(Jenny yelps)
498
00:20:34,348 --> 00:20:36,984
�How did I get so blessed?
�(grunting)
499
00:20:41,255 --> 00:20:42,790
Well, the good news is
even though I was exposed
500
00:20:42,857 --> 00:20:44,559
to a boatload
of toxic fish slime,
501
00:20:44,625 --> 00:20:45,893
the paramedics said my brain
502
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,161
should be back to no time
in normal.
503
00:20:47,228 --> 00:20:48,563
Speaking of danger,
504
00:20:48,629 --> 00:20:50,398
you fellas want to douse
your pants in lighter fluid
505
00:20:50,464 --> 00:20:51,699
and jump over this fire?
506
00:20:51,766 --> 00:20:54,101
(snoring)
507
00:20:54,168 --> 00:20:55,937
Aw, I finally tuckered them out.
(chuckles)
508
00:20:56,003 --> 00:20:58,072
What'd you girls
get into this weekend?
509
00:20:58,139 --> 00:21:00,074
Oh, just some
light occult stuff.
510
00:21:00,141 --> 00:21:03,010
You know,
small family�based exorcism.
511
00:21:03,077 --> 00:21:07,381
Republic of Banana,
I send thee to hell!
512
00:21:07,448 --> 00:21:09,350
Wow, they even burn boring.
513
00:21:09,417 --> 00:21:12,153
Jenny, I'm sorry
I caused you so much trouble
514
00:21:12,220 --> 00:21:14,622
and will continue to do so
till I'm dead.
515
00:21:14,689 --> 00:21:16,224
It's okay. And besides,
516
00:21:16,290 --> 00:21:18,159
I get to turn around
and do it all to Violet,
517
00:21:18,226 --> 00:21:20,761
�so feel sorry for her.
�So I am cursed.
518
00:21:20,828 --> 00:21:23,130
�Yes!
�We all are, honey.
519
00:21:23,197 --> 00:21:25,233
We all are.
520
00:21:27,201 --> 00:21:29,237
(scatting)
521
00:21:30,605 --> 00:21:32,340
�(meows)
�(horn honks musically)
522
00:21:32,406 --> 00:21:34,542
Captioning sponsored by
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523
00:21:34,609 --> 00:21:35,843
and TOYOTA.
524
00:21:35,893 --> 00:21:40,443
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