All language subtitles for Back s02e05.eng

Thank you so much.
It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure.

I don't know how we would've managed
all this without you.

Like I say ad infinitum these days,

I just want to try and help.

"Change the bloody record, Andrew!"

No, no, don't ever change
the record. You're a wonder.

Like the son we never had.

Not that we ever wished Alison
had been a boy.

Well, we did a bit. Now, come on.

We thought,
when Alison married Stephen,

he might be the son we never had.

But he wasn't really
son-we-never-had material.

Handshake like a Victorian doll.

Not like you, bloody Action Man.

Not to be impolite,
but he's a cack-handed Herbert.

You know, I feel I ought
to stand up for Stephen. And Alison.

They're both fine, caring people,
and Alison loves you very much.

Aw. That's just the kind of goodness

we've always come to expect
from you. Yes.

We've never been happier. No.

And that's down to you.

You've given us a jolly good shake.

Awoken us from a troubled dream.
Yeah.

I'm truly humbled, guys,
but I didn't do this.

You did this. Aw.
This is your decision.

We should call Alison.

You probably should, yes.

ON RADIO: And we'll have Tim with
the traffic update after this.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

BIRDSONG

Oh, ooh.

Woo!

BANGING ON DOOR

Geoff. Geoff. What's up, mate?

He's fucked me!

My husband has fucked me!

Luca? No, I never want to hear
that name again.

Consider him redacted, Geoff.

When you say he's fucked you...
Fucked me over, I mean.

Over in the fucking clover.

He's straight, I'm straight,
but he's straight-up fucked me.

One of everything, Mike.

I'm going to drink like it's a job

and not stop till I piss blood.

So what happened, Geoff?
With...Man X.

He's stolen my savings

and online auctioned
all my farm machinery.

He got grants to re-green my land

and then bought himself
a fucking Audi!

I married him
so he could stay in this country.

Turns out,
he's already got settled status.

SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS

He's made a sham
of our fake marriage!

And you didn't even suspect
what he was up to?

I trust too much.

I'm too fucking nice is my problem.

Yeah.

Yeah, way too nice.

I need to drink to forget,
and then, when I've forgotten,

I need to drink
till I remember again.

And then drink till I forget

why I'm remembering
to drink to forget.

That'll be �57.60, Geoff.

I'll set up a tab.

MEOWING

Hi, yes, you-you asked me to...

No, I'm really not happy to be
popped on hold again for...

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE

I'm on hold.
Do you have to do this now?

I was on hold for over an hour,
and then it suddenly disconnected.

Now it's taken me 35 minutes
to get to a human being.

I'm on the cusp of sorting out
my unusual card activity.

I can't hang up.

Could you turn your music down?

It's not music.

I mean, it is music,
but it's hold music.

Vivaldi now.

It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band
a while ago.

Whatever it is, could you turn
it down? My cat's distressed.

Well, my dog's about to be executed,
so, you know...

Don't say that in front of Maureen!

Sorry.

Sorry, Maureen.
DOG WHIMPERS

She's had a good life.

No, she hasn't.

She's had a grim life
of misery and illness.

Sure.

But you've given her the best life
she could've had.

What was it that
Alfred Lord Tennyson said?

Hiya! Hi there.

Yes, happy to go
through my transactions.

Yes, I will have got
something online at Boots.

I do that a lot.

Was it 3.99?
Yes, I know what that is.

She's feeling very warm.

That'll be the pink blanket.

No, I haven't bought a pink blanket.

My doomed dog is in one.

No, no, I'm saying
there's no blanket of any colour.

No... No!
MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS

She's popped me on hold.

MEOWING

Sorry, everyone.

His Facebook profile's gone.
He doesn't exist.

He'll have gone dark, Geoff.
Rogue. Fake ID.

Maybe a bit of cosmetic.

Oh, no, here it is.
And his Insta.

But he's not been on there for days.

You remember
my late Lily's necklace?

The one I bought her
for our tenth anniversary?

Oh, Geoff. No.

I pawned that a couple of months,
ago for betting money

and Luca's nicked the cash.

He's a monster.

You should go to the police, Geoff.

I married him illegally.

They'll prosecute me.

Plus, I don't want coppers
on my land.

The barn's a deathtrap

and I've got a couple
of skunk plants in my polytunnel.

I heard about Luca.

I suppose I should confess now.

We were seeing each other.

Luca and I. Me and Luca.

Seeing each other? Yes.

More specifically,
seeing each other in the nude.

My own niece slept with my husband?

That's incest! I'm sorry.

We couldn't help ourselves.

Well, we could,
but we didn't want to.

Oh, well.

It's a lesson learned.

Never trust anyone.

Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy.

Don't marry men for visa reasons.

Use a stronger password
for online banking.

A number of lessons, in actual fact.

SHE SNIFFLES
There's a good girl.

It'll be very swift.

She won't feel a thing.

OK.

She's been suffering a lot.

You're making exactly
the right decision.

Thank you.

That's very comforting to hear.

There.

Goodbye, Maureen.

Hi.

No...

No, I haven't bought a meal deal
from Gordano services.

Or any petrol, no.

Yes, I did rent the film
Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky.

Well?

Massive congratulations!

Who doesn't love a wedding?

Joyful news. It's weird.

But great! But weird.

If I objected,
would it make any difference?

Not really. Terrific.

We would love to have your blessing,
though.

Dad hasn't been dead very long.

It's been nine months.

A lot can happen in nine months.

Look, I don't want to seem
old-fashioned... Then don't.

It's not the olden days, Stephen.
It's nowadays!

And soon it'll be the future.
Exactly. What does that mean?

Why delay happiness when
it's right in front of you?

Ellen, Mum... Aw.
..deserves to be happy,

more than anyone.

And Julian can make her happy.

I know you can.

Thank you, Andrew.
Who cares what you think? I do.

That's why I asked him here.

Andrew is like a son to me.

He's not your son.

It's true. I'm not.

I'm no-one's son.

And I've learned to be OK with that.

Why are people so obsessed
with change?

Just leave things as they are
for five fucking minutes.

Ellen and Julian are quite simply
moving on with their lives.

That's precisely
what I don't like about it.

I can see your point, Stephen,

but also you have had the same
haircut since you were eight.

It works.
Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn.

Raise a glass to the happy couple.
Welcome to come.

You knew about this, didn't you?
About the wedding?

Did I? Did you? Did I? Fuck off.

Why are you so calm about this?
The family's breaking up.

The precious family that
you've so charmingly infiltrated.

I've embraced change, Stephen.

I've had to. And things usually
work out for me in the end.

Drink? Yes, please.
Stick it up your arse.

God, the shit you accumulate.

What? Oh.

Photos of that holiday in Corfu.
Aw. Ooh...

Want them? Chuck them.
DOOR CLOSES

Oh, love.
We've been trying to call you.

My phone was off.

Maureen was being put to sleep.

Oh. Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry.

Why didn't you leave a message?
Um... Oh.

Um, the message we have is not
really a message sort of message.

What's going on?
The house is on the market.

Where are you going?

I'm-I'm going
to be staying locally,

so not really going anywhere.

But I am.

What?
Dad and I...are getting a divorce.

Oh, I expect it's come
as a bit of a shock.

You're happy together.

Well, we thought we were.

But it turns out, we're not.

It's the little things
that build up. Yes.

I've always wanted
to experience Dresden.

Oh, I couldn't give two shits.

But this is ridiculous.

You love each other.
You've been together forever.

I mean, everyone says
what a perfect couple you are.

You're not single people.
You're a unit.

Andrew said you might react
like this. Mm. Andrew?

He's ignited something in us both.

Suddenly everything makes sense.
Mm. We were just pootling along,

both wanting things
we weren't able to have,

but too polite to say anything.

And now we're so excited
about our new lives. Yeah.

Everything feels fresh.

He told me I had a waist.

And he understands how desperately
I want to go on cruises

and visit every country in the world
and eat spicy food.

Sorry, I-I just... I can't.
Your mum will stay here.

I want to go out to work.

And Andrew suggested...
Could you stop saying Andrew?

Oh. He predicted
this entire reaction.

Well, he's a smart guy.

Canny fellow.

Is that Kew Gardens? Oh, yes.

Um, Andrew took us there.

I don't think we've laughed
as much in 40 years. No.

But we always go there together.
As a unit.

Well, I know, but we did ask you.
You're always so busy.

And so when Andrew suggested it...
When Andrew... Just stop.

Can't believe Mum's getting married?

I can't believe Mum's
getting divorced.

Which is worse?

Divorce, you prick.

Divorce is worse than marriage.

Although, sometimes
when people divorce,

they actually become closer
than when they were married.

A lot like us.

Mum said Andrew was like the
son she never had.

So did my mum.

He told her she had a waist.

Andrew told my mum she had a waist.

Why does he get points for that?

Did he also tell her she has feet?

And he indulged Dad's lurid
Michael Palin fantasies.

To travel.

Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg.

Take the gap year he never had

and roam the globe like some
nutty old tramp.

I mean, it doesn't make sense.

It does.

He's replacing my mum with your mum.

He knows my mum's going to Tring,

so he's getting your dad out
of the picture so he can have a mum.

He never had a mum,
so he steals other people's.

He's a mother collector.

He's on a mum safari.

Well, he's not adding my mother
to his trophy collection.

Andrew has bitten off more
than he can chew

and it's going to choke him.

And if it doesn't choke him,
I'll set fire to his balls.

Wow. OK.

That, that honestly took a
turn I wasn't expecting.

Yeah, that makes total sense
for Stephen to give you away.

Only. Only?

Well, he is quite hostile
to Julian, and maybe,

I mean, stop me if this is
crackers, but would it maybe

be an olive branch, Julian, if you
asked him to be your best man?

Possibly.

Uh, I would prefer a very
quiet stag night.

But who would walk me
down the aisle?

Ooh. Andrew.

I don't suppose you would?

Me? Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm...I'm not family.

Oh, but you are.

I've got news.

I am with child. Pregnant.

By my uncle.

ALL THREE: Geoff?

No, Luca.

He's the father of my unborn baby.

And when it's born, my born baby.

Are you absolutely sure?

Yes, I've done a test.

It was negative, but a mother knows.

But aren't those
tests 99% accurate?

Well, I'm in the 1%.

I mean, look at me.
I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging.

I can feel them.

Lovely.

You're going to be a
grandmother, Mum.

Julian, a step something once
removed, or something? Grandfather.

Andrew, you're going
to be a foster-uncle.

Buongiorno, Bambino.

That's "Hello, baby" in Italian.

He's bilingual.

What about your university plans?

I'm going to get a routine.

Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture.

Then sometimes the baby
will be asleep,

or staring up at a mobile
and smiling, like in adverts.

And my uni mates can help raise
it like in indigenous tribes,

or the Occupy Movement.

Right.

But maybe breast-feeding in a
lecture wouldn't really work.

How do you write notes?

Record them. But you might just hear
suckling, rather than the lecturer

and I'll probably get that
sore nipple thing.

Mad ankles.

Actually, having thought about it
quite deeply,

I think I'm probably not pregnant.
Those tests are 99% accurate.

Are they? Hm.

Right.

I must have left my wallet
on the table when I went to the loo.

Luca will have had it.

Cloned the card.

That was him having a meal
deal at Gordano services.

Why go for a deal,
if it's not your money?

He could've had any sandwich there.

Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal
sandwiches are the best ones, so

you find yourself tied into a deal
without really thinking about it.

Well, thanks for lending me
the money to pay for Maureen.

There's a secret account
Luca didn't know about.

Money from that compensation I got

when I pretended to have
whiplash and hear voices.

How are you feeling?

I suppose I feel like I've actually
got whiplash from Luca running off.

Bruised, sore, and
don't want to look behind me.

I'm going to have to sell
the farm, I think.

Really? Yeah.

Still, everyone's moving on.

Your mum's getting married

and going to Tring, Cass'll
end up at university.

Not much to stay here for.

I'm still here, Geoff.
Oh, no, obviously.

That's a given.
I mean, you're a fixture.

Screwed to the floor
like a table in a 70's Butlins.

Hi, erm, I'm here to pick
up some ashes.

Name?

Maureen. Surname?

Oh, you...you meant my name.

Yes. Did you really think
I was called Maureen?

I don't judge.

My name is Stephen Nicholls.

The late dog is Maureen.

That will be �120 for the procedure
and �159 for the cremation.

Jesus. And the urn will be �66.

Can I get a cheaper urn?

No. Oh.

The vet's put a note on
Maureen's postmortem report,

saying there was small traces of
rat poison in her system.

Oh. OK.

Dogs will eat anything.

We had a dog in here last week
that ate her foot.

I'll go fetch that urn.

Don't come too close. Rat traps.

What the fuck have you done
to my parents?

Oh, you've seen them?

And we spoke on the phone just now.

They said you told them
they shouldn't have any regrets.

And they shouldn't.

My dad wants to go to Micronesia
and just stop shaving.

He says he feels neutered and he's
fed up with semi-skimmed milk

and he wants to watch a
John Wick movie at the IMAX.

And Wendy has felt trapped
and diminished for years.

They weren't happy,
and now they're very happy.

They were happy.

They just didn't show it because
they both went to a grammar school.

Look, this was
always going to happen.

You can't put a cork in a volcano.

I just helped them
give voice to their feelings.

I've been a facilitator.

But they've workshopped
their own future.

You took them
to Kew fucking Gardens.

Only because you couldn't.

They asked, but you were,
understandably, so busy.

Look, Alison, we both want the
same things for them, right?

Happiness, fulfilment, independence.

My mum is not your mum.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

The last time I saw my mum,

I was ten and about to be
taken back into care.

Look, I'm just trying to
help your mum out.

That's all.
You've underestimated me, Andrew.

Oh, I could never
underestimate you, Alison.

You're the smartest
person around here.

I am.

I mean, I don't want to be
arrogant, but I am very clever.

And I'm onto you.

My mum tells me she's got a job.

Do you know where she's
going to be working? Yeah.

Here.

And when she says she'll
be staying locally?

There's a room at the
Barleycorn, if she needs it.

Or she might decide on
a little flat in town.

Like I say, it's all her decision.

Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen.

The Barleycorn traps have
always been snap traps.

There's a lot of local cats
and there's never,

ever been any poison put down,
but do you think that...?

Aw, come on.

How much of a coincidence is it that
Maureen has rat poison in her,

and then I see Andrew
laying rat traps?

Do we think Andrew would
deliberately kill a dog?

We do.

He would kill a dog and
fuck a cat and eat a rat,

all before Homes Under the Hammer
started.

I mean, poor Maureen,

she never stood a chance
against that sick fucker.

But why?
Because he set his sights on me.

He is destroying everything I love.

My mum, working as a barmaid.

I mean, I don't want to sound like a
snob, but fuck it all to hell.

Well, with my mum off to pastures,

Tring with the Reverend Hot pants,

there's a Mum-shaped
hole at the pub.

This actually feels weirdly good.

That finally someone else truly and
fully sees what Andrew's capable of.

Oh, I can see it, all right.

Up to now, I've...I've felt like the
boy in the fairy tale who can

see that the emperor's naked

and he's whacking people
in the eyes with his cock.

Let's kill him,

bury his head at Land's End
and his body at John o'Groats.

What do you think? Hire a hit man?

Um...

Or, or we could fake an accident.

Too much to drink,
handbrake off, over a cliff.

Mm.

Yeah, we should definitely
murder Andrew.

It's what Maureen would've wanted.

Geoff, Mike and I have been talking.

About, about lots of things.

Pasties, how you can't get
wellies in half sizes,

what tombola means,
why don't dad's whistle any more?

And...and about you, Geoff.

When you sell the farm,

we don't like to think of
you having to move away.

So would you like to
move in with us?

We've got a spare room.

No. Oh.

That's very kind, but I sort
of like the idea of getting way.

This place can cramp you,
keep you down, hobble you.

Just look at Stephen.

Yeah. Tragic.

And you guys.

I know.

Yeah.

Fucking hell.

We can do it. Kill him.

I mean, who would care?
He doesn't have anyone.

He has our mum's. They love him.

Aw, they're under his spell.

He's like a... God, what's he like?

A warlock?

Warlock? No, he's not
like a fucking warlock.

Whatever he is,
he needs to be stopped.

You and me.

Like Bonnie and Clyde.

Can I be Clyde?

I...I mean, in terms of the energy,
you're obviously Clyde,

but for my own masculine pride, I...

Are you in this with me?

I need you in this with me.

I am. I bloody am.

Yes, let's kill the motherfucker.

The Aye's have it.

I haven't done my teeth.

You awake?

You know what?

Citalopram.

Sertraline.

They can go get fucked.

I just needed to have sex.

And I'm cured.

I found her.

Who? Andrew's birth mum.

I found her.

How?

Got access to databases
I maybe shouldn't have access to.

Called in favours, offered favours.

Eight hours of clicking
and I think I found her.

Do...do...do you still want
to kill him, Bonnie?

No, Clyde.

Worse than killing him.

I want to fuck his head up
completely via his mum.

We're not doormats any
more, me and you.

We are the dirty
boots on the doormat.

I'm going to fuck his mum
and you're going to watch.

This is brilliant.

Do you want more sex? Yes.

I do.

I do want more sex.

Thank you.

Have you ever made love to
a beautiful girl?

Made you feel like it's not
such a bad world

Hey, man, now you're really living

Now you're really giving
everything

And you're really getting
all you can

Now you're really living what
this life is all about.

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