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1
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:10,514
♪ I would like to leave this city
2
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:15,270
♪ This old town
don't smell too pretty and
3
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,949
♪ I can feel the warning signs
4
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,754
♪ Running around my mind
5
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,554
♪ So what do you say?
6
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:31,310
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway
7
00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,636
♪ You're half the world away
8
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,793
♪ Half the world away
9
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:42,872
♪ Half the world away ♪
10
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:48,438
(Jim) 98 quid?
(TV)... today in 1984...
11
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:52,473
(Jim) Hey, 98 quid. It's good to talk,
my arse.
12
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:56,433
...by two girl- and music-obsessed
teenagers?
13
00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:02,157
- 9291246. Whose number's that?
- It's Mary.
14
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:06,273
You've been ringing Mary next door?
If you shouted, she could hear you.
15
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,357
- She can hear you.
- Give it a rest, pair of you.
16
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,234
Rest, my arse.
It's £2.50 phoning next door.
17
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,636
She's in and out of here all day
like a bloody yo-yo.
18
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,911
- I'll put you a serving hatch in.
...to hang onto the lead by...
19
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,997
- You're tight as a crab's arse, you, Dad.
- (Applause on TV)
20
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:28,239
Crab's arse, my arse. It's £2.50.
Good job she's cured her stutter.
21
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,794
The phone's there to be used.
22
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,274
The phone's there for emergencies.
23
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,754
How many times
do you see me ringing anyone?
24
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,712
Who you gonna ring?
You've got no mates.
25
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,830
- (Door bangs)
- (Mary) Wooo-ooh!
26
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,314
- Talk of the devil.
- Only me.
27
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,828
- Come in, Mary.
- Everyone all right?
28
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,633
- Yeah.
- Hey, Mary, is your Cheryl in?
29
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,274
- Yes.
- Will you ask her to bring the catalogue?
30
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,309
- I will.
- Ta.
31
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,998
Come on, love.
32
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,950
I just came in to wish you all
the best in your new career, Barbara.
33
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,275
- Awww.
- Career, my arse.
34
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,278
She's going
to work part time in the bakery.
35
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:09,519
Why don't you go home?
She can ring you and tell you all about it.
36
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:13,792
I've had our Denise testing me on prices.
I've got it off by heart down to pastries.
37
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,831
Test us, Mary.
38
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,188
Vanilla slice.
39
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,879
- 38p.
- I'll have two.
40
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:30,034
- How much is a cup of tea?
- They don't do tea.
41
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:33,390
Same as here, then.
No chance of drowning.
42
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:37,831
- Are you stopping for a brew?
- No. I've got a pile of ironing.
43
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,952
And it won't do itself, now, will it?
44
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:49,276
She's hilarious, her.
How does she come up with them?
45
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,834
Come on, Denise.
Test us some more.
46
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,075
Um...
47
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,590
- Crusty cob.
- Who's been ringing Aberdeen?
48
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:01,155
- 14p.
- Meat and potato pie.
49
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,998
- 67p.
- No.
50
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,917
- 68p?
- No.
51
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,757
- 69p?
- No.
52
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,791
Ooh, shite.
53
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,752
- Do they do wedding cakes?
- Ooh, yeah.
54
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,190
- I'll be able to get you a discount.
- How much will one cost?
55
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,959
About £200.
56
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,879
- How much?
- £200.
57
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:27,198
- How many tiers is that?
- Plenty of tears if it's £200.
58
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,800
Is his dad paying owt
towards this wedding lark?
59
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:34,118
- I said, he's on a disability allowance.
- So he's paying bugger all.
60
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,754
And he'll get a better parking space.
61
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,917
- Any tea going, Mam?
- Your tea's in the oven, love.
62
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,599
- Right. What is it?
- Egg and chips.
63
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:47,389
Antony, who d'you know in Aberdeen?
64
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,273
Oh, Mam! They're all soggy.
65
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,357
Oh, just get them ate.
They all go to make a turd.
66
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,437
(Barbara) You'll all have to get used
to making your own.
67
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,789
Yeah. Your mother's
a career woman now.
68
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,991
- Which room are you in, lad?
- This room.
69
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,998
What's the light on in that room for?
70
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,070
Coming Sunday on BBC1, join Sharon...
71
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,588
Well, who do you think I am,
bloody Rockefeller?
72
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,359
...he and his investments
were inseparable.
73
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:20,474
When shares were slow to come up,
so was he.
74
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:25,116
Recently, he's been telling me
his prices have started to harden.
75
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,755
It's that Lesley Joseph.
Ain't there nowt on the other side?
76
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,110
She's got a mouth like a horse,
that one, hasn't she?
77
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,116
She wants a good swipe of shite.
78
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,193
(Man) At nine we continue Full Circle
with Michael Palin...
79
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,198
Mam, tell Antony to shut his gob
when he's eating.
80
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,913
Shut your gob when you're eating.
81
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,598
(Cheryl) Hiya.
82
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:53,760
- That'll be Cheryl with the catalogue.
...fed every afternoon at five.
83
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,836
Every morning at five, the...
84
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,474
- Where did your Auntie Vi move to?
- Middleton.
85
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,670
- Not Aberdeen?
- Middleton!
86
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,234
All right, crabby arse. All right.
87
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:12,034
Where's the bloody remote
off the television?
88
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:15,914
It's only £5.15 a week for 40 weeks.
It's real leather.
89
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,713
That's nothing, that, is it?
90
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,955
- Shall we get one?
- Yeah.
91
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,197
- You gonna get brown or black?
- Brown.
92
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:28,153
I'll get black, then.
We don't wanna look the same.
93
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,998
- Hey, Cheryl, close your eyes.
- What?
94
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,429
Right, give us your finger.
95
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,071
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, Denise...
96
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,629
Right, open 'em.
97
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,591
What are you like?
98
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,915
I wouldn't mind one of those, actually.
99
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,838
His is a weird shape, isn't it?
100
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:55,950
That's not normal, is it?
101
00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:00,312
What's Dave? Is he Y-fronts or boxers?
102
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,035
Whatever he wears,
they're always full of skiddies.
103
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:07,993
I can't even believe
it's only six weeks till the wedding.
104
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,999
I know. There's so much
to sort out, isn't there?
105
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,190
- Yeah.
- Who's doing your perm?
106
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:18,677
Sandra Beswick. Guess what she's
calling herself now. She's gone mobile.
107
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,757
Sandy Scissors. That's crap, innit?
108
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,791
Yeah.
109
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,797
I don't know what I'm gonna do
with my hair for the wedding.
110
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:31,196
I'm thinking
I might have some streaks put in.
111
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:35,791
Let me look at you. You'd look
absolutely gorgeous with streaks in.
112
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,831
- D'you think so?
- Yeah.
113
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,472
I've gotta lose two stone, as well.
114
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,512
- I have.
- There's nowt on you. You're tiny.
115
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,393
You're joking. I'm like a bleeding sumo.
116
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,273
And I've got a right arse full of cellulite.
117
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,312
Mind you, Dave likes his women
with a bit of meat on 'em.
118
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,352
- Sexist pig.
- Yeah, he is.
119
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,789
Hey, thank God.
120
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:04,628
Is Gary from the butcher's
still Dave's best man?
121
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,752
- Yeah.
- He's gorgeous, him.
122
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,758
Get out. He always stinks of mince.
123
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,916
I'd shag him.
http://titlovi.com/
124
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:15,428
Yeah, I would.
125
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,434
(Barbara) Pour t'tea, Antony.
126
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,869
They waited for me to come in here.
127
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,269
Hi, Antony.
128
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,914
Hey, he's having to wear a suit.
129
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:40,353
- Has he got a girlfriend yet?
- Yeah. His hand.
130
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,595
- Cheryl, that'd look good on you.
- What is it, a tent?
131
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,676
Antony, keep that out,
132
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,110
keep that shut or get them blacked.
133
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,551
Cheeky get.
134
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,872
- Hey, where's ours?
- Kiss it.
135
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,195
Mam, Antony's being cheeky to Cheryl.
136
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,356
I'm all right.
137
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,995
Anyway, I'll make it.
He don't wash his hands.
138
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,476
- (Doorbell rings)
- Thanks, love.
139
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,114
Get that, will you, please, Antony?
140
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,991
- It's all right. It's only Dave.
- Oh.
141
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,873
- Hiya, Dave. All right, love?
- Yeah, smashing.
142
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,911
- Hiya, Jim.
- (Jim grunts)
143
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:43,149
- Is owt on?
- No. It's Home And Away.
144
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,995
- Have you had your tea, Dave?
- Yeah.
145
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:50,350
- What'd you have?
- Corned beef hash.
146
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,868
Ooh. We should have that one day.
147
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,832
Hey, Jim, Dave's had corned beef hash.
148
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:59,077
Funny. They never mentioned it
on the news.
149
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:03,193
- You all right, Jim?
- Aye. I can't smile wide enough.
150
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,879
(Australian woman)
You have behaved very badly,
151
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:10,072
so kindly respect me and my home.
152
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,315
- She in there?
- Yeah.
153
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,195
How's your mate doing in Aberdeen,
Dave?
154
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,913
Havert got a mate in Aberdeen.
155
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,838
- Just checking.
- Ignore him.
156
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,911
- Hiya.
- (Both) Hiya.
157
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,149
Don't you be thinking
of buying owt in there.
158
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:37,273
I'm not. Cheryl's just been looking
at mers knobs.
159
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,312
No change there, then.
You two all right for a brew?
160
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,759
- Yeah.
- Yes, thanks.
161
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,394
Gary was asking after you, Cheryl.
162
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,954
Oh, yeah? What'd he say?
163
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:50,310
- He asked if you were a goer.
- Oh, yeah. What did you say?
164
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:54,035
- Told him you go like the clappers.
- In his dreams.
165
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,277
Changes his clothes
less than Noddy, him.
166
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,311
- You had your tea?
- Yeah.
167
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,920
- What'd you have?
- Corned beef hash.
168
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,599
- Did you?
- Yeah.
169
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,029
Did you get that wedding car sorted?
170
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,595
- Havert had time to wipe me arse.
- I know. I've seen your undies.
171
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,155
- Ho, ho.
- I mean it. You'd better get it sorted.
172
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,988
- I'm not going in that Transit.
- It was all right on Tuesday night.
173
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,077
- Cheryl don't want to hear it, all right?
- Oh, I do.
174
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,475
- She does.
- She don't.
175
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:31,672
So... who's... who's doing your disco
at the wedding?
176
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,517
Me.
177
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,120
You can't. You're the bleeding groom.
178
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,516
All right. Gary can do the first hour,
then, get it going.
179
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,755
Bring Gary on the honeymoon.
180
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,553
He can do the first hour there,
get me going.
181
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:51,036
Did I tell you I'm getting business cards
done from this place in Knutsford?
182
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,709
- Knutsford? That's well posh.
- Knutsford service station.
183
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:59,276
Three quid for 50, they are. First gig
you get, they pay for theirselves.
184
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,632
Put the price of the gig up by three quid.
After that, it's clear profit.
185
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,319
- That's a good idea.
- That's me, kiddo.
186
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,351
What are you gonna have wrote on 'em?
187
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:13,190
"You've heard the rest. Now hear
the Best. Dave Best. Mobile disco."
188
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,231
Hey, where's my name?
189
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,716
Put Dave and Denise.
I've been to all your gigs.
190
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,832
So have me mam and dad.
Do you want them on it and all?
191
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,475
- You're just trying to pull the birds.
- Give it a rest.
192
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,557
- (Doorbell)
- Put my name on it and all.
193
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,989
What, and let
all the women know I'm taken?
194
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,712
Cheeky get, you, Dave.
195
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,830
It's all right. It's only Twiggy.
196
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:40,236
- (Jim) Twiggy's here.
- All right, Jim, Barbara.
197
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,838
- You all right?
- Yeah.
198
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,793
- How's your mam's legs, love?
- Still under the hospital.
199
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,912
- Aw. Tell her I was asking for her.
- Course I will.
200
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:53,476
- (Denise) Hiya, Twiggy.
- Right. How are you fixed for denim?
201
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:57,308
- Feel the quality of that.
- Got any wedding dresses in there?
202
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,828
No, these are jeans.
203
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:04,351
- What make are they?
- Top gear. Quality stuff. Tenner a pair.
204
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,631
- You got owt for me?
- Yeah. The ones he's wearing.
205
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:12,231
Why don't you get a pair?
Them pants have gone at the crotch.
206
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,078
- You shouldn't be looking.
- Go on, Dad. Try some on.
207
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,954
- I don't wear jeans.
- Everyone wears 'em nowadays.
208
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:24,120
Pants'll cost you three times
the price and these'll last twice as long.
209
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,470
- (Antony) Go on, Dad.
- Come on.
210
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,432
- Yeah, go on. Give them here.
- Here. Try them on.
211
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,070
Go on, then, Jimbo.
212
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:38,272
- Now, how about you, Denise?
- I haven't got the arse for jeans.
213
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:43,314
You have. You've got a gorgeous arse,
you have. You'd fill these out a treat.
214
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,954
Hey, that's my fiancée's arse
you're talking about.
215
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,912
And it's your arse you're talking through.
216
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,872
Tell you what I have got.
A load of Wash & Go.
217
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:55,595
- I don't know if you're interested.
- What have you got?
218
00:12:55,640 --> 00:13:00,031
Wash & Go. You know, the stuff in the ad
where that bird washes and pisses off.
219
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:04,551
Well, it's the genuine stuff,
only it's got Arabic writing on it.
220
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,558
- 50p a bottle.
- (AIl) No.
221
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,989
- No, thanks.
- Oh, please yourself.
222
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,918
Go on, Twiggy. I'll have two quid's won'th.
223
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,191
As you're my best-Iooking customer,
224
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,549
I'll chuck in a box of panty pads.
225
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,637
- All right.
- How are you for jeans, Cheryl?
226
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,752
I'm on a diet, you see,
so I don't know what size to get.
227
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,360
If they don't fit you,
I'll help you out of them.
228
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:31,678
Ooh! Hey, you're a cheeky beggar,
you are, Twiggy.
229
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,711
Hey, how's your little Lee?
230
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:37,548
She lets me see him every other
Saturday and every third Wednesday
231
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,716
- from four till seven.
- Aww.
232
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:44,117
- He must be getting quite big now.
- Yeah, he's 12 in August.
233
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:48,472
Mind you, he's a fussy little bleeder.
Nike this and Levi that.
234
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,590
Wort touch any of this shite.
235
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:56,158
- Cheryl, are you having them jeans?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
236
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,191
(Laughter)
237
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,195
- All right, shower of shite.
- It's John Wayne.
238
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,117
(Laughter)
239
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:11,034
Here, Jim. Give us 'em back here.
You're giving me a bad name, lad.
240
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,913
Laugh all you bloody want.
I'm keeping these.
241
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:17,111
Me money's in me other trousers.
I'll have to owe you a tenner.
242
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,038
- Marvellous.
- Look at the turn-ups on 'em.
243
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:24,312
Pack it in, will you? It's like Blackpool
Illuminations here. Turn that lamp off.
244
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,750
And the fire's going off.
If you're cold, put a bloody vest on.
245
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,394
- Where's the remote?
- On t'top of t'telly.
246
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,274
What good is it there?
Antony, chuck it over, you lazy little sod.
247
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,993
Listen, is anyone else buying?
248
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:42,034
- Hey, Antony, do you want to buy?
- Not if he's wearing some. No way.
249
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,069
Ta.
250
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,953
Hey, Twiggy.
In the baker's, guess who'll serve you.
251
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,399
- Who?
- Me mam.
252
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,032
- Me.
- Is that right?
253
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,877
- Yeah.
- Hey, I'm always in there.
254
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,319
- Are you?
- Yeah.
255
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,476
- Hey, what do you have?
- Er...
256
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,718
Two Cornish pasties,
a sausage roll and a cream Danish.
257
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,034
£1.32. Am I right?
258
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,713
Havert got a clue. I'll see you in there.
259
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:09,752
I'll get that shampoo to you on Saturday,
all right?
260
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,394
- See you. Ta-ra.
- (AIl) See you.
261
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,552
Tell you what, he's a scruffy get,
that Twiggy.
262
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:20,593
Wouldrt you think
he'd do something about his weight?
263
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,595
How's your diet going, Cheryl?
264
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,996
Oh, all right.
I've stuck to it for a fortnight now.
265
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:30,918
- Have you? Have you lost owt?
- Er... No.
266
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:37,352
(David Attenborough) Although they
can't fly, they are well able to get around.
267
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,868
Right, well, I'm off, then.
268
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:41,956
See you. Ta-ra, Cheryl.
269
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,151
- Keep hold of the catalogue if you like.
- Oh, right, ta.
270
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,839
- See you. Ta-ra.
- Bye.
271
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,155
Have you asked her to be bridesmaid?
272
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,909
- Oh, yeah. She was thrilled.
- Bridesmaid, my arse.
273
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,315
She'll look like a bloody
Easter egg on legs.
274
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,352
You're only having her
to make you look better.
275
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,358
- Get lost, Antony.
- Is she really on a diet?
276
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,359
- Yeah.
- Think she'll ever get married?
277
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,039
- Who'd have her?
- Stevie Wonder.
278
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:16,676
A king cormorant struggles back
with a beak full of nest material...
279
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,711
- (# TFI Friday theme)
- It's him again.
280
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,036
He's everywhere, like shit in a field.
281
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,868
- Leave it on, Dad.
- (Cheering and applause)
282
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,638
(Chuckles)
283
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,673
- She's had a face-lift. They all have.
- Shut it, Dad. I'm listening.
284
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,115
(Jim) There's the gobshite now.
Full of himself.
285
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,311
- He's a millionaire, him.
- He's still got ginger bollocks.
286
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:42,318
That reminds me,
I've got some tangerines in the kitchen.
287
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,113
Anybody want a tangerine?
288
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,913
How does your mind work, Barbara?
289
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:53,194
- You nervous about tomorrow?
- Yeah, I won't sleep a wink.
290
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:57,199
Why? There's only your bloody mates
going in, from the sound of it.
291
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:02,360
(Woman on TV)... has just been
such fun. I really miss home, but...
292
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,153
Did I tell you I saw Duckers
down the Chinese?
293
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,350
- Duckers?
- Yeah.
294
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,676
- Is he out?
- No, they've got a Chinese in the nick.
295
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:14,156
- He'd just got out, Barbara.
- What's his missus say?
296
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:18,352
- He'd not been home yet.
- What was he in for, lad?
297
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,790
- Beef satay and chips.
- (Laughter)
298
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,229
What was he in for, knobhead?
299
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,316
Receiving, werert he?
300
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:29,352
- It wasrt jeans, was it?
- Don't know.
301
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,200
We should have beef satay one night.
302
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:41,870
Ooh, eh, our Antony, nip down the offy
and get us some more ciggies.
303
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,070
- Oh, Mam.
- I'll go.
304
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,509
No, you stay there. Let him go.
305
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,836
20 for me, 20 for your dad.
What about you, Denise?
306
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:53,475
- Yeah, get us 20.
- (Antony) Any advance on 60?
307
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,875
Yeah. Get me some pork scratchings.
308
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,275
Can I get ten for meself out the change?
309
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,072
(Jim and Barbara) No, you can't.
310
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,429
You're only 15.
I've told you about smoking.
311
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,914
You're not old enough
till you can buy your own.
312
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,030
- And don't slam that...
- (Door slams)
313
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,071
...door.
314
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:12,590
Do you know what's in
them pork scratchings, Dad?
315
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,709
No.
316
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,194
Eyeholes, earholes and arseholes.
317
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,231
That's rissoles.
318
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,271
Oh, yeah.
319
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:27,673
Oh, eh. Who keeps putting mugs
down without using a coaster?
320
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,711
- Antony.
- (Jim) Our Antony.
321
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,751
(Cheering on TV)
322
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:37,032
(Dave) I told Duckers
he could come to our wedding.
323
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,071
- You didn't?
- Yeah, I did.
324
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,998
- You'd better be winding me up.
- I told him.
325
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,112
What did you invite him for?
He's a right knobhead.
326
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,118
- If he's going, I mean it, I'm not.
- Hey!
327
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,151
Reel her in.
328
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,510
- One-nil.
- You're hilarious, you, Dave.
329
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:57,155
Have I told you what a gorgeous
daughter you've got, James?
330
00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,715
Yes, you have. The last time you got
on the wrong bloody side of her.
331
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,752
I wouldn't invite Duckers, you lemon.
Give us a kiss.
332
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,439
- Kiss me arse.
- I would do. I've had nowt all day.
333
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,755
You're getting nowt all night, either.
334
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,995
Isn't she lovely, Barbara?
335
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:15,192
You know what they say, To know what
your wife'll look like, look at the mother.
336
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,233
You're not calling the wedding off
at this late stage.
337
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,677
- That was meant as a compliment.
- Thanks, Dave, love.
338
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,076
I'm glad somebody
appreciates me round here.
339
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,111
What's he after?
340
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,157
I'll make it up with you, then,
if you massage me feet.
341
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,317
- Aww.
- Go on, Dave. Please, please. Please.
342
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,557
- Bloody hell. Give 'em here.
- Please.
343
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,795
You've got lovely feet, our Denise.
344
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:47,469
- I have, haven't I?
- Yeah, the best feet in our family.
345
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,512
- Thanks, Mam.
- Look at mine, Dave.
346
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,188
They're buggered.
http://titlovi.com/
347
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:59,712
Hey, look at this dopey sod, here.
She's got him where she wants him.
348
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,309
He's been out grafting,
she's been sat on her fat arse all day,
349
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,351
and he's massaging her feet.
350
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,595
I dunno what the world's coming to.
351
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,315
- (Barbara) Why don't you rub my feet?
- Them bloody trotters?
352
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,079
I'd need asbestos gloves
and a gas mask.
353
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:18,193
- Hey, I think I've got a verruca coming.
- I think you have.
354
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,557
(Door slams)
355
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,194
- Here you are, Mam.
- Oh, thanks, love.
356
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,869
Young man, what have I told you
about putting mugs on that coffee table
357
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,354
without using a coaster?
358
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,278
- Got a gig tonight, Dave?
- Yeah, down the Feathers.
359
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,232
It's Tony Macca's sister's 18th.
360
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,317
- Beverley Macca from the Co-op?
- Yeah.
361
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:50,555
- Is she 18?
- Mm.
362
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,114
- Are her kids going?
- Yeah.
363
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:56,072
- Who's the father of them two?
- Don't know.
364
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,795
- Could be anyone in the Feathers.
- Anyone in trousers.
365
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,831
- You fancy her.
- As if.
366
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,677
She's a right slapper, her.
367
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,871
I feel a bit sorry for her, with them two
kids. She's had it hard.
368
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,117
She likes it hard. That's her trouble.
369
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,598
How much is a pint in there now?
370
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,870
I dunno... It's about one...
371
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,195
Oh, Dave! Have you farted?
372
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,152
What? That's one of your old fella's, that.
373
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,431
Hey, whoever smelt it, dealt it.
374
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:33,955
- That smelt like corned beef, that.
- We're gonna have that one night.
375
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,788
Hey, I've just thought. Who's gonna cook
tea tomorrow? I'll be working.
376
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,229
Don't worry.
We'll wait till you come home.
377
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,829
Why does everything in this house
have to revolve around me?
378
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,350
This bloody bakery job's
more trouble than it's won'th.
379
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,278
- (Farting)
- It was you, you dirty get.
380
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,915
- Told you it wasrt me.
- (Barbara) Ooh, you dirty article.
381
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,313
It's only nature.
382
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,828
(Jim) In the Middle East,
it's a sign of respect.
383
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,839
- That's burping.
- Same difference. Just a different hole.
384
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:06,158
- You fart, Denise.
- I do not.
385
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,997
She does. I've smelt it.
386
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:12,113
Antony, me mam told me not to tell you,
but you were adopted.
387
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,311
- Are these yours, Denise?
- (Barbara) Hey.
388
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,112
- (Phone)
- Get that, Antony.
389
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,111
(Sighs)
390
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,153
(Jim) Antony, if that's the Invisible Man,
I can't see him.
391
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,717
(Antony) Hello? Oh, hiya, Nana.
392
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,558
Yeah. Er...
393
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,830
Nana, do you want me mam?
394
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:44,395
(Barbara) Have a conversation with her.
She's on her own all day.
395
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:47,273
- I ain't got nowt to say to her.
- Make something up.
396
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,311
Here.
397
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,998
Hi, Mam. You all right?
398
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:59,629
You had your tea? What'd you have?
399
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:04,037
Oh, we've had that.
Dave's had corned beef hash.
400
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,674
Who's she talking to, Loyd Grossman?
401
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,119
(Denise laughs)
402
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,436
Oh, yeah. We're up to our eyes in it here.
403
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,472
Yeah. Can't seem to get nothing done.
404
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,511
It's all go.
405
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,831
Yeah.
406
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,710
Yeah.
407
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,149
What date was on the voucher?
408
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,790
Ooh, the miserable sod.
409
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,195
(Tuts)
410
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:35,950
Do you want to talk to Jim?
No, he's doing nowt.
411
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,508
Hello, Norma. How are you doing?
412
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,915
What? Just a minute, Denise.
413
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:46,555
Hang on. Our Denise
can't wait to bloody talk to you.
414
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,916
Hey, Nana.
415
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,678
Yeah.
416
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:55,633
- It's shocking, really. She's 82.
- Why? What's happened?
417
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,399
She went down the precinct.
She had this voucher.
418
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,556
- Oh, yeah.
- And it was one day out of date.
419
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:04,229
The miserable sod of a manager
wouldn't let her have the money off.
420
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,430
- How much was it won'th?
- 20p.
421
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,313
20p? It'll cost her more than that
422
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,238
to ring every bugger she knows
to tell them.
423
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,909
If they're too tight,
take one of the insoles out.
424
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,951
Yeah.
425
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,958
All right, OK.
I'll give you back to me mam.
426
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,389
See you, Nana. Bye.
427
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:28,875
All right, Mam? Yeah, I've told Jim.
428
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,071
Ooh, he was livid. Yeah.
429
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,998
- These things are sent to try us, Mam.
- (Applause on TV)
430
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,112
Chin up, love. Bye.
431
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,430
Oh, it's a shame, really.
She's getting worse, bless her.
432
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:43,469
Aaah.
433
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,909
Here, put that back, you.
434
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,792
- I'm going to Darrers.
- (Denise) Bye.
435
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,590
(Door slams)
436
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,995
We'd better be off now, ar all.
437
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,429
Just want to put my tooty on.
438
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,319
Denise, give us a go with that new lippy.
439
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:12,952
Whoops.
440
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,237
It's a lovely colour, that, irt it?
441
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,875
I can't usually wear red.
Does nothing for me.
442
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,430
Can't wear red, can I, Jim?
443
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,758
No, that's what's held you back
all these years.
444
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,758
D'you know, I am looking my age.
445
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,839
Just these last few months
it's crept up on me.
446
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:42,159
Mind you, it could be worse.
At least I've still got me schoolgirl figure.
447
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,236
I must clean that mirror.
448
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:48,353
Don't laugh, Dad. Mam's got
a great figure for a woman her age.
449
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,914
It's gonna be tempting
working at that baker's.
450
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,679
I don't want to put any weight on
before the wedding.
451
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,678
I want to get meself
a really nice little suit.
452
00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,998
You can go in your school uniform.
Still fits you, doesn't it?
453
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:05,556
- What are you gonna wear, Dad?
- A bloody big hole in me pocket.
454
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,478
Dave, has your mam got her suit yet?
455
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,637
No, not yet.
She's getting a suit from Marks's.
456
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:13,910
Hey, Dave,
you'd better tell me which one.
457
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,997
We don't want to get t'same.
It'd look awful.
458
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:21,511
Right, we'd better get going. Beverley
Yo-yo Knickers'll be mad if we're late.
459
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,439
- See you, Mam. Be in about one.
- All right, love.
460
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,675
- See you.
- See yous.
461
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,029
(# Supergrass: Late In The Day on TV)
462
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,470
Oh, Dad, if me mate Angus
from Aberdeen rings...
463
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,114
- Aberdeen?
- Aaah. I'm only joking.
464
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,469
- (Laughter)
- See you.
465
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,715
See you, buggerlugs.
466
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:49,873
Hey, Jim, Dave's mam. Marks's, eh?
467
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,435
Never mind. You'd look better than her
if you wore a bloody old sack.
468
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,471
Well, I might have to.
469
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:03,108
I think I might go and have a bath.
Is the immersion on?
470
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,357
I expect so. Everything bloody else is.
471
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:10,279
- Do you wanna get in after me?
- Aye, go on.
472
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,197
♪ So long for me
473
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,919
♪ I sleep on the road
474
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,236
♪ Dreaming of a sound
475
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,795
♪ Coming my way
476
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,478
♪ So long ♪
477
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,353
♪ So what do you say?
478
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,996
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway
479
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:40,316
♪ Half the world away
480
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,550
♪ Half the world away
481
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:48,830
♪ Half the world away
482
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:55,035
♪ I've been lost, I've been found
but I don't feel down
483
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:58,436
♪ No, I don't feel down
484
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:02,317
♪ No, I don't feel down ♪
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