Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hello, Teleplex Corporate headquarters.

Morning, Jane.

Aren't we the early bird?

- Morning, Mr. Schmeltz. Thanks for noticing. - Oh!

Early bird gets my worm.

- Excuse me? - What?

Hey, where's that competitive analysis

on those tampon thingies?

Huh? I mean, a man can't be doing that.

It looks a little weird.

You'll have the report in the next hour.

Okay, great.

You look great.

You look great.

Hey, listen.

My office door is always open for you, okay?

Work hard, everybody!

Pig.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. Miles, do you have any napkins?

Miles, do you have any napkins?

Yeah. Yeah, um...

Here.

It's just coffee. It'll come out.

It's not just coffee, it's...

You know, you don't have to take that from him.

Right. And what will happen if I plant to heel in his groin?

Any ideas on how to get my monthly student loans paid?

- You can't even see the stain. - It's okay.

Thanks for trying.

Gonna get back to work now.

Right, I'm swimming!

Oh, shit. What the fuck is that?

Enter!

She's got a nice ass.

- Morgan. - Whoa!

Mr. Schmeltz. Remember, there's an order around here.

- We can't all be minions. - Uh...

This company doesn't make two billion a year

without a hierarchy to be maintained, right?

Mr. Schmeltz, here's the market share report you requested.

All right, let's see what we got.

This is the one about the penis, hmm?

What are you doing? You're being passive aggressive.

Sit down. Weirdo.

Okay.

This is...

This is embarrassing.

What the hell is this?

What did you do? I mean...

Did I ask for toilet paper?

- Sir? - No, I asked for a data model

on our pharma client, Pharex.

So why did you give me something for wiping my ass? Huh?

This shit isn't even formatted properly.

I mean, can you comply with company protocol, huh?

- It's trash. - I, uh...

I mean, you might very well be the worst data analyst

we've ever had at this company.

You're killing me, man.

What's wrong with your brain? Are you a dickwad, Miles?

- It's just a rough draft. - Buddy!

You give me final drafts. Rough drafts?

I want smooth drafts, like... Like a baby's ass drafts.

Now, let me be candid.

I wanna know who's popping what pills and where.

Which antidepressants is Ann Gertrude on,

and what can we get her hooked on next?

Which boomer pills are selling like M&M's?

Which cheer captain is about to go off the pill

and get preggers, right?

I mean, you take this pile of shit

and you flush it down the toilet

with the rest of the shit in the world.

I want a new pile of shit on my desk in the morning.

Do you got that? And what do I want it to be?

A final draft. Okay?

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

Man, I didn't become boss by jerking people off, right?

I leave th... Sit down!

I leave that shit to the interns.

I jerked myself off. You got me?

Get out of here.

Man, you got the personality of a stale cracker.

Miles!

You grew up in a barn, son, huh?

Shut the effing door, now.

I'm the guy in the room!

Okay, all, today's scrum is now in session.

Let's talk risks, roadblocks and deadlines.

Jane, what were you working on yesterday?

What are you doing today?

Well, I'm still working on that data analysis for Pharex.

Liners versus tampons, average length of use,

scented versus unscented. Same blood, different day.

Thank you, Jane. Any risk or roadblocks?

The time wasted here at the daily scrum

is my only roadblock.

All right, then.

Miles. How about you?

What were you working on yesterday?

What are you working on today?

I have got that predictive modeling report

on Pharex for Schmeltz,

but he just called me a dickwad and threw it in the trash.

It sounds like a parking lot conversation.

Do not need that liability here.

Any other risks or roadblocks?

Okay, then.

Mordecai, what were you working on yesterday?

- What are you working on today? - I'm running a full CBA

on the market viability of our Robot Space Army.

What? What's so funny? This is serious stuff.

It is serious. They're not human, and they could turn on us.

What do you think NASA stands for?

Not A Space Army.

Thank you, Mordecai.

He said the death star wasn't possible. It happened.

Out of the way, loser! Fuck you!

Fuck!

At least it will cool you off.

Come on, Summer.

Can you stop, please? God!

- Miles, my man! - Hey, Javi.

How's your day going so far, man?

Uh, could have been better.

Yeah, man, I hear you on that front.

Dude, you know,

you really shouldn't be buying this stuff.

I mean, legally, they can't even label this crap cheese.

Price is right.

Well, the price is always right here, huh?

Hey, so you getting any pussy?

Uh, no. Not... Not really, man.

Really, dude, 'cause you know I am, man.

'Cause I keep it hot.

Ow!

Sounds dehydrating.

Nah, dude, I drink lots of water.

You know what I mean, huh?

Hello, Miles.

Hey, Juanita.

What are you talking about, Javier?

Nothing, Mama, we're just having some friendly guy conversation.

- Oh, really? Friendly guy, huh? - Yeah.

It sounds like a loser conversation to me.

- Oh, here we go. - Por favor, Miles,

don't act like him

because you're gonna end up like my...

My God. I mean, you wouldn't want that, would you?

I mean, would you like to have your mama as your boss?

Forever and ever?

I'd really just like to get these things and get out of here.

Mama, go away. Miles doesn't wanna hear this.

Yes, he would like to hear this.

You know, you haven't been on a date for, like, over a year.

- Please go. - Oh, fuck. Shut up.

Yeah. Hey, what do you say we go out tonight, Miles?

Grab a drink.

Mack on the ladies. What do you say?

Uh, look, man, I wish I could,

but I just got... I got a lot of work to do, so I will finish off.

Okay. Okay. Hey, hey,

let me know if you change your mind though, huh?

I'll be your wingman.

Thank you, man.

Mama, why do you got to embarrass me like that

in front of Miles?

Hey, Dizzy.

You have a good day?

Anything good happened while I was gone?

Knock, knock.

What's up, bro?

Catch.

Great catch.

Do you ever think about how fucked up the world is?

Like, actually how fucked up it is?

Yeah, look, Jameson, this isn't a good time. I gotta do work.

Do you know that people get Ebola from eating bats?

Like, they eat bats and they get Ebola.

Like, how fucked up is that?

Well, I don't know what news you're reading,

but this really is not a good time.

I gotta get a lot of work done, otherwise I'm gonna lose my job.

Job? How can you think about a job at a time like this

when there is so much fucked up shit going on in the world?

I can think about jobs right now

because I actually need one to survive.

I don't have a trust fund to fall back on, unlike you.

You mean my artistic stipend for the novel I'm writing

about the golden age of break dancing?

It's not a stipend if your parents give you money for doing nothing.

I'm not doing nothing.

I'm working out the novel in my head.

I... I'm finding the scene.

I'm exploring the original b-boys, you know.

It's 1972, and I'm living in the Bronx.

You know, I gotta have my schedule free,

so that way I can get in the right headspace.

You always gotta be in the right headspace, you know.

The novel actually writes itself through you.

Like, it actually comes up through you.

It is out the fingers.

That is, quite literally the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

It's 2019. You're not from New York.

And what do you know about break dancing?

What do you know about break dancing?

- Wow! - Exactly. See?

The point is, I'm actually doing something in my life.

What are you doing? What are you working on

that's so important, huh?

It's a... It's a data market thing for a drug company.

Oh, a drug company.

Nice, man.

Mr. High and Mighty is over there working on

slicing the data for the evil drug corporation.

Fan... Fantastic, man!

Bravo.

I'm not happy to be doing it. It's just a job.

You gotta get out of your funk, bro.

You used to be so much fun.

Now look at you. You're...

You're eating fucking bologna sandwiches,

working on data analysis for drug companies.

Bologna sandwiches, man.

Do you know what these are made of? Do you?

They're made of lips and assholes.

This is the lip in the asshole of the animal that...

Lips and assholes. That's what they are.

Yeah, well, I need to keep my shitty job

so I can continue eating these shitty bologna sandwiches.

And if I play my cards right, maybe I'll even be able

to afford a shitty car payment.

I mean, how do you not have a car in LA, bro?

It's like... Fuck.

Man, no offense...

But you're like one step above homeless.

Mmm.

You have a fucking awful life.

It is shitty. And it is my life. Thank you for reminding me.

Now, please leave and leave me to my own private misery.

Okay.

I'm sorry, man. I... I'll go.

I was just, uh... I was just trying to help.

Thank you.

Good luck with the drug company.

Thank you.

- No, Jamie. - No? Okay. All right, buddy.

Sometimes you will. All right.

Take the beer.

Oh, I will take that beer...

And I will see you later.

- Buenas nachos. - Yeah.

Immediate termination?

Yes, fucking please.

Dizzy, Dizzy.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Fuck, shit!

You're late.

I was up all night working.

Schmeltz is looking for you. He looks pissed.

More than usual.

Perfect.

Then...

- What? - I am so sorry I'm late.

- Enter. What? What? - So sorry I'm late.

Dude, close the door. What are you doing?

Just sit down and shut the fuck up.

God damn it! Pick that shit up.

Ears open. Mouth shut. This is a fox.

Time's my watch say?

9:19, sir.

Time we start work here at Teleplex?

9:00, sir.

That's unacceptable, man.

Morgan, we need to talk.

What, Eileen, I'm in the middle of the fuck...

- We need to talk right now. - What? Uh...

Okay.

What is it, Eileen?

No, not in here. Not in front of, whatever his face is.

- Miles. - Shut up!

- Morgan, chop chop. - Okay. Okay.

Stay here, right?

With him.

Yeah, sit tight.

You can't keep doing that to me. I'm the boss.

- It's important. - I'm in charge of shit.

In charge of what?

Fuck!

Jane?

Holy shit!

You sick bastard.

Pull up your big-boy pants and make a choice.

- What do you want? - I don't know.

Just fucking pick it. I don't care.

- Pick what? - Just...

What are you doing here?

Sir?

Get out of here, now.

- What about the pharma report? - Well, I don't know.

What do I look like, your fucking brain?

Close the door, barn boy.

- Come with me. - I'm working.

- Take a break. - I'm busy.

You're wearing pink underwear

with little white polka dots.

The fuck did you just say to me?

Come talk to me outside.

No way, you creep.

Schmeltz has a hidden camera under your desk.

Meet me in the parking lot in five.

Okay.

- Hi. - Follow me.

Okay.

What the fuck!

So that asshole has a hidden camera of me?

They're all around the office.

He has spy cams of you, Eileen and Sarah on his computer.

Unbelievable!

He even has a camera in the bathroom.

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna throw up.

We should call the police.

So those videos can end up on YouTube for all to see,

and I get to be some sad news story

that everyone laughs about?

I'm sure the police would be discreet about...

There's no way.

We get raked through the coals as the Teleplex office whores

and then Schmeltz will get off

with a slap on the wrist and some probation.

Men like him always get off.

I mean, what he's doing is wildly illegal.

Do you think that stops bastards like him?

I mean, have you been living under a rock?

I say, screw the judicial bullshit.

Yeah, he needs to pay. Now.

I really think we should let the proper authorities handle this.

Quit being such a dickwad and stand up for once, Miles.

Okay. So what did you have in mind?

I just want that sleazeball to pay.

Yeah. Um...

Well, I guess I've done my bit here,

so I'm gonna...

Wait, Miles. Promise you won't tell anyone?

Yeah, I promise.

- You coming? - I need a second.

- I'll see you inside. - Okay.

You missed the scrum.

What?

Something came up, Gordy.

You know, we're deep in the sprint right now.

We gotta spike up, or we're gonna miss our delivery date on Pharex.

I'll be at tomorrow's scrum, okay?

As certified scrum master,

I must hold my fellow members accountable.

Look, Gordy, I... I appreciate what you're trying to do here.

I do.

But I don't need a daily scrum or burn down chart,

or a scrotum master telling me what to do every day.

I just want to do my job and be left alone.

It's scrum master, Miles,

and you're being a real scrumbag right now.

Make the meetings,

or I'm gonna have to mark you as an impediment.

Do what you gotta do.

Study that schedule.

I won't let you miss our deadline.

Oh, and if I'm a scrotum master,

you're my ball boy.

Dhanyawada.

I pray to the God of the elephant king.

Dhanyawada.

Deliver us from our temptations.

Dhanyawada.

I pray to Brene Brown...

Dhanyawada.

Deliver me from my evil. Dhanyawada...

Dhanyawada...

God damn it!

Who the fuck is it?

I'm just trying to do fucking yoga so I can relax

and you're banging on the goddamn door!

Uh, is this a bad time?

Hey, buddy, what's up? Come on in.

No, I was just doing some yoga, drinking some whiskey,

getting myself in the right mind space

so that way I could work on my novel.

Right. Uh, do you have anything to drink?

Do I have anything to drink?

- Here. - Thank you.

Namaste, fucker.

Thank you.

Ah! So what's up?

Ah, I just had a weird day at work.

- Copier break again? - No.

Oh, did the bum at the bus stop

- punch you in the face again? - No.

Ooh, did the... Did the guy that pees in his hand

do the thing where he pees and he throws it at you?

You know what, man? Forget it.

Don't be so sensitive. I'm just fucking with you.

Relax. God! What's up?

Promise to keep your trap shut?

Yeah.

- Promise? - Mmm-hmm.

So, today, when I was in my boss' office,

I discovered that he's been spying on the women at work.

Isn't that what you do?

- You guys spy on people. - Not like this.

I'm talking like hidden cameras around the office.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

- You remember Jane? - Yeah.

Well, he's even got one hidden under her desk.

You... You saw it?

Yeah. I mean, it was an accident.

Uh-huh. Sure, buddy. Accident. Okay.

Man, that is some sick shit.

Your boss is fucked up.

Yeah. So... Now I don't know what to do.

Dude, you have found Smaug's weak scale.

Now it's time to let that black arrow fly.

One, that's ridiculous.

Two, stop making analogies to The Hobbit.

Uh, you've worked for that company for years, man.

Years, and you barely make enough money to...

pay for this shitty apartment.

Me? I choose to live in a place like this,

but for you, it's just desperate.

Would you stop fucking with me for one second, please?

All right.

One... One more.

Well, tell you what, I'm gonna help you out.

All right? I'm gonna help you out,

but... I want half the money.

Money? You're talking blackmail.

I'm not going to jail for blackmail.

As someone who audited a pre-law class

at Saddleback Community College,

you only go to jail if you get caught.

Thank you for the expert legal advice.

You're welcome.

Oh.

Shit.

It's Jane.

Uh, she wants to meet at Crazy Harry's.

Dude, it is on!

Yes, we are gonna do.

Does she have any hot friends?

Really think you're missing the gravity of this situation.

Uh, but I need a ride.

Can you drive?

Sober as a fox, bro.

- Really? - Let's go.

Well, would you put some clothes on, please?

Absolutely.

Let me just say goodnight to my candles.

Holy shit.

Dhanyawada, Britney.

Dhanyawada, Arianna.

Dhanyawada, Brene.

Bro, I love this jam.

Jame-O, drive, please. Two hands.

Bro, stop being such a stick-in-the-mud.

You gotta live a little.

Hands on the wheel.

What's the big deal?

Ten and two.

- Hands, hands, Jame-O. - Whoo!

What? Jame-O!

I don't see Jane.

Let's have a drink.

Guys, what can I do you for?

Uh, I'll take a Day Beer.

Same here.

Day Beer.

Man, hipsters.

Excuse me?

I said, that will be $10.

Oh, uh, I don't...

Ooh, I'm sorry, man. I don't have any extra money for a tip.

Of course you don't.

I'm sorry, man. Honest mistake.

Fucking grandpa.

Ah!

This place is dope.

Yeah, if you're into that.

Jane's here, I'm gonna go talk to her.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know. Just give me a minute.

And you don't know anything about anything.

- Fine. - Thank you.

- Hey, Jane. - I need a drink, stat.

Uh, is everything okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I have a 100 grand in student loans,

a terrible job and a boss who films upskirts of me.

My life is total shit.

I know what you mean.

I sometimes think my dog has a better life than I do.

I've worked my ass off my entire life.

I took all the right classes.

I aced all the tests.

I finished my MBA from Wharton with honors.

Where did I go wrong?

You didn't. It's just a different world now, I guess.

To top it all off, I'm another Me Too.

Do you know how that feels?

We need to take Schmeltz and Teleplex down.

That entire place is corrupt.

Someone has to put an end to it.

Fire ball!

- Fuck! - Hey!

And who the fuck are you?

Uh, this is Jameson.

I think you guys met at a company mixer a while back.

Heard you were having a rough day, Jane.

Nothing like a little whiskey can't fix. Am I right?

Wait. You told him?

I am so sorry.

Look, I just needed to tell somebody, and...

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not the one you need to be worried about.

We can take down those bastards together.

What do you mean, "We can take them down?"

I'm one of the good guys, Jane.

I am here to help.

I have come up with a master plan.

Hold on.

Watch this.

Ah!

Wonderful. Are you supposed to be a newsie or something?

Pleasure to meet you. My name is Jack Brewer

from the Day Beer Brewing Company, you see.

Jack, the brewer?

We want to spend loads of money.

Loads of money on stupid, stupid, stupid beer ads.

Will you help us find our target market?

Is your friend delusional?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

He might be onto something here.

Can you organize a sit-down with Schmeltz?

Tell him you have a client meeting

with strong revenue implications or something.

I can try, but he's not gonna buy that this guy is a big account rep.

I mean, look at him.

I beg your pardon, missy?

He chooses to look this way, but he can clean up all right.

Okay. So what is your plan?

While you two are meeting with Schmeltz,

I'm gonna sneak into his office

and download the files off his computer.

And how do you plan to break into his computer?

Well, you guys just need to keep him distracted long enough

so I can figure that out.

Okay, Edward Snowden.

Let's see how your buddy handles himself.

He doesn't strike me as capable.

Oh, I'm capable.

I'm capable as fuck, yo.

We can do this.

If we get caught, we're screwed.

Yeah.

You know what?

I don't care anymore.

We've been getting fucked for far too long.

- It's time to fuck back. - Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah! - All right.

- Yeah. - Let's fuck back.

To fucking back.

To fucking back.

I love this guy.

You're late.

"Your number one problem?"

- Mr. Schmeltz... - Mr. Schmaltz. Good day, sir.

It's Schmeltz.

Schmeltz, Schmaltz. Tornado tostada.

Does any of it really matter?

Mr. Schmeltz, this is Jack Brewer,

the vice president of sales and marketing at Day Beer.

Quite an impressive title for such a young eccentric.

Thank you. I started at Day Beer when I was 12 years old

and I worked my way to the top.

I am living proof that child labor is fantastic.

Sir, please, if I may.

Uh, Mr. Brewer wishes to invest in some market research.

Day Beer is looking to make some big moves with its upcoming beer lineup.

Mmm-hmm.

What kind of password...

Morgan, Eileen.

I need you to open the door, right now.

You better not be in there with Sarah.

If you are, Morgan, hear me right now,

I will find out. I will know.

Come on.

Yikes!

Schmeltzy.

So I'm a bit pressed for time,

so let's just cut right to it.

How this usually goes down is, uh,

we determine what you guys are willing to spend,

and then we discuss data packaging

and marketing plans, and then your budget...

I'm prepared to offer $100 million.

What?

That's right. You heard me.

$100 million.

See, I could take my business anywhere.

But Jane said that your company can do things that others can't.

And at Day Beer, we don't just think outside the box.

We think... outside the can.

Hmm?

Corporate data for sale?

What?

They're selling our identities to the Russians?

What the fuck!

If I finish this beer before you,

I'm taking my business elsewhere.

How long were these in your suitcase?

Time is irrelevant.

- Cheers, Schmaltzy. - Yeah.

Look, before we can mine data on your customers... Okay.

We must first mine data on our clients. Right, Jane?

You see, Jack, I can pretty much

learn anything I want about anyone.

So let's see what there is to learn about you.

Jack Brewer.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, damn it.

Low target value?

"No likely girlfriend?"

Fuck you.

Oh, Jane's divorced.

Huh.

Jack Brewer.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nada.

Nada.

Nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Nada, nada, nada.

So, uh, Jane, this meeting's over.

All right?

Just some insecurity on the imposter thing.

Hey, thank you so much, Jack. It was so nice meeting you.

Great meeting, sir. Thank you very much.

- Course. Enjoy prison. - Thank you.

Mmm-hmm.

Go get the car, Jameson.

Come on, come on, come on.

Yes!

Sir. Sir, I apologize for that.

You let some cut-rate grifter on the campus

without proper vetting.

Do you have any idea

how many company policies you just violated?

Security! The breach is right there.

Drag his ass to the curb right now, please. Thank you.

Hey, what are you... What are you do... Hey!

I thought he'd be a potential client.

- I didn't realize that... - I know you didn't realize

'cause you're an imbecile, and now you're fired.

- What? - You heard me.

Put your shit in a box and go, go, go.

You got me?

You wanna do this with just a tiny bit of dignity,

or do you need to have your ass dragged to the curb, too?

Guys, come on!

Hey, can I at least get my parking validated?

Sir, please, I...

- I need this job. - Oh.

You're just like all the other women.

Just a big pain in my ass.

Except they put out.

- Back up! - Holy shit!

- You disgusting animal! - Eileen, honey,

she's just being emotional because... Because I just fired her sorry ass.

You are such a sleazeball!

How am I a sleazeball? You're fired!

- Get the fuck out of here now! - No!

- I quit! - You can't quit!

I just fired you! That's not how this works...

- You don't get the pleasure of firing me! - Oh, my God!

I can't believe I'm playing this fucking game like a four-year-old!

Did you get it?

Yeah. Uh, it's even worse than what we thought.

How did it go with Schmeltz?

We've got a problem there. He didn't buy it.

And then he fired me.

Shit! He fired you?

Yep. No more job for Jane.

Let's hope we didn't just completely blow up our lives.

It'll be okay. We've got everything you need.

Here.

- You look ridiculous. - Got the job done.

- Barely. - Got the job done.

- And got me fired. - You're welcome.

Yeah, well, everything we need is on that drive.

Good job, Miles.

Meet us back at Jameson's place when you're up for it.

- Yeah. - My car's parked in the back.

Okay.

As they say in Mexico, vaya con Dios!

Miles.

Hey, Gordy, I've got that report ready.

I was just about to circulate it with the team.

Can we talk?

Look, I know this is about the scrum.

I'm sorry I missed it again.

I've just been really busy with work,

and Schmeltz is riding my ass on everything.

- It's not that. - Uh, okay.

Come to my office.

Fuck.

So, what's up?

Miles, do you know that I've worked at the company for 16 years?

Uh, wow. No, man. That's, uh... That's a long time.

Yeah, going on 17 next month.

Impressive. Congrats.

The founder, Liev Giorgio, recruited me personally.

We had lofty ideas that

data could be used to make a difference.

We were gonna help people.

Streamline inefficiencies and better connect the world.

Uh, what are we talking about here, Gordy?

I know what you and Jane are up to, and I can help.

I know how this company operates.

No loyalty. I know every dirty and dark detail.

If you and I help each other,

we can maybe put a stop to their antics.

If you've known about this the whole time,

then why are you just telling me about it now?

I should have done something long ago,

but I guess I hoped that Liev wouldn't take it this far.

- Oh. - Yeah.

You... You think I'm a corporate lapdog,

but I still believe that privacy matters.

I want you to come to my place tonight with Jane,

and I'll give you everything I've got.

This is my address.

Meet me there at 9:00.

Okay. Uh, I should get back to work.

Yes, you should.

Okay, Miles, really counting on that analysis.

And remember, if there are any roadblocks,

we need to, uh, put that into the delay of the sprint.

ASAP, we need to do that ASAP.

But... Denise!

Ah!

Miles. I am here to inform you that Jane has been terminated.

Terminated?

Yes. She will no longer be working here at Teleplex.

I know this must be unsettling,

but let me assure you there will be no further terminations at this time.

Oh! Jane worked hard for this company.

Oh, you two must have been close.

Don't worry. We'll still have fun here at Teleplex.

Next week, we've got the Monday mixer with milkshakes.

This place makes me want to jump off a bridge. A tall one.

I know you're upset. It's always hard losing a cube-mate.

Perhaps you'd like to continue this discussion down at HR?

No, thanks.

I'm just gonna get back to work.

Don't forget, we are here to help, Miles.

Teleplex is invested in the well being of its team.

We are always here for you.

Your eyes don't move.

Okay, that should be the last of it.

Just gotta re-format the computer and we'll be all set.

Bring her belongings to my office for sanitization.

Well, that's that.

Goodbye, Miles. Please feel free to visit any time.

What the fuck?

Fuckin' hate around this corner every time...

Yes! Yeah!

Die, fucker! Die!

Oh, God! Jesus!

Today's scrum is now in session. Let's talk

risks, roadblocks and deadlines.

Jane. What, uh...

What do you got going on yesterday? What do you got going on today?

It's just a little something...

So you can always have my heart close to your middle finger.

Schmeltzy, you meltzy my heart.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Underwear. Underwear.

What are you doing?

Hit rewind.

What the f...

Hey. Yeah, we got ourselves a little problem.

Jameson and I have been going through the files.

This is some serious shit.

Yeah, some of it looks pretty intense.

It's not just upskirts on there.

Teleplex has been collecting information

and personal data of every asshole that's unlucky enough

- to be targeted by Opar. - Opar!

Like that lost city in Tarzan.

I don't know, J-Mo. That's... That's not the point.

We're talking 500 million people

who have had their identity stolen, maybe more.

I mean, this makes Facebook's data breach look like a tea party.

They got files on us and the rest of Teleplex in here.

They've even got my DNA profile.

Salaries, Social Security numbers,

dad's browsing histories, shopping habits.

I mean, they even have something called a kink factor scale.

Jameson's a 10.

Wait, is that good or bad?

I have no idea. But I do know

that they're compiling our identities

to sell them to foreign governments like Russia and China.

Targeted data for clients. It's a commodity.

You have enough information on people, you can predict their behavior.

It's all about statistics and probabilities.

Giorgio probably knows us better than we know ourselves.

But Teleplex hasn't disclosed any of this.

And they're not gonna let this discovery go lightly.

No, but they don't know what we know yet.

Maybe not. I mean, I'm sure they're monitoring all data traffic.

You guys work for a seriously fucked up corporation.

Worked.

No. He still works for them.

J-Mo. - So now what?

Tomorrow I go in there and I tell Schmeltz that we've got the goods,

and we're not afraid to blow the whistle.

And what does that mean?

- It means we threaten to sue or settle. - Settle. Court sucks.

Teleplex Corporate won't want this shit out.

Oh, and Gordy said he has some more dirt for us.

- Gordy? - Mmm-hmm.

No way, okay?

He's a corporate borg. He's not gonna help us.

He claims he wants out.

Is that a smiley face?

Yeah. No, I don't trust this guy.

I think we should hear him out.

He said to meet at his place at 9:00.

Okay, fine.

Ooh, a secret rendezvous in the cover of darkness.

That's hot.

You want??

Well, it doesn't look like anyone's home.

Well, we won't know until we go check it out.

- Jameson, you're staying in the car. - What?

Someone has to stay in the car and keep an eye out for us.

Lookout? I have to be lookout? Lookout sucks.

Just text us if you see anything weird or suspicious, okay?

- Lame. - Thanks, Jameson.

We doing this?

I guess so.

Okay.

- Told you. - Just let me try again.

Well, this was a waste of time.

- Gordy! - Ah! Let's not break into Gordy's house.

I think we've done enough snooping for one day.

The door is open.

Come on. Gordy!

Is anyone home?

Gordy?

Wow! This is just creepy.

Gordy?

Gordy.

- Oh, sh... - What is it?

Oh, f...

Fuck! He's dead!

Oh, God! He's dead!

Oh, God, he's dead.

Uh...

"I couldn't pretend any longer. Goodbye, cruel world. Love, Gordy."

This isn't Gordy's handwriting.

Oh, so you're Sherlock Holmes now?

You know, I've always been partial to Watson.

They killed him, Miles.

Teleplex killed Gordy.

We don't know that for sure.

Of course we do. Don't be ridiculous.

Oh. Oh, my!

Gordy!

- Is that... - Yeah, a dildo!

No! The police, you idiot. Let's go!

Shit!

Whoa! What the fuck!

Do you hear something?

- Is that the po-po? - That's just stellar work, Jameson.

Fuck!

What, you guys did a shitty job.

You're such a fucking child!

- Are you for real? - Yeah, you know what?

It's because of dudes like you that our generation gets a bad rep.

When old man Burns is complaining about the lazy, worthless millennial

down the street who can't hold a job,

he's bitching about dudes like you.

Oh, fuck you, Miles!

Quit acting like you're God's gift to the goddamn world.

You think you're so much better than everyone else

just because you have a shitty job in a shitty company that's making the world shittier.

Well, congratu-fucking-lations, bro. You are a real rock star.

Your mom must be so proud.

Ow! Ow! Not the bun!

Get off the bun! Ow!

Stop!

Both of you need to get our shit together right now!

Miles, do I need to remind you that we just found our dead coworker?

- Wait, you have a dead coworker? - Yes!

Gordy's dead, probably for talking to us.

Technically speaking, we don't know it's because he talked to us or someone else.

Or maybe he did just kill himself.

- He's actually dead? - Yes.

Body dead. No more Gordy.

And you didn't call the cops?

J-Mo, they just showed up!

We've been set up!

- Nope, that's it. I am out. - What?

Dude, I am done. This mission is FUBAR.

When people start dying, it is time to cut your losses and move on.

Jameson, stop.

That's right. Quitting as usual.

Miles, shut it. Jameson, we've got to stick together.

J-Mo, get in the car.

You know I hate that name!

Jeez, okay. Look, I'm sorry, okay?

- What are you sorry for? - Jesus Christ, J-Mo! Get in the fucking car!

I just... I need to go and cool down right now, all right?

I just need some space.

- Just let me go. - J...

Fuck!

Should we be worried about him?

He'll be fine.

He usually just cools off at the arcade.

Wow, he truly is a man-child.

Who has roll-up windows anymore?

God, are you kidding me?

Hey, hey, hey! I was just joking about the car.

What have we got ourselves into? This is a total disaster.

Yeah. We'll figure it out.

Do you like grilled cheese sandwiches?

- Sandwiches are ready. - Just a sec.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Yes! Yes!

Boom! Eat that, bro!

- Yeah, go to your mommy. - Let's go.

Why don't you have her change your diaper while you're at it, loser?

You, uh... Are you feeling better?

Grilled cheese sandwiches always remind me of being a kid.

There's something so simple and pure about them.

Is this your mom's special recipe?

Uh, my dad's, actually.

My mom died when I was little. So Pops did most of the cooking.

- I'm sorry. - No, it's fine.

It was a long time ago.

Aren't you a little old to be hanging out here?

Nope. $5 in tokens, please.

Good luck.

Thank you kindly... Vanessa.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

- Dizzy? - Dizzy as in Dizzy Gillespie?

What, you know his music?

Of course. I love Dizzy.

- Do you play? - Yeah, I don't, uh...

I don't play much anymore.

Um, Teleplex got the better of my jazz career.

How about you?

Alto sax.

Charlie Parker was my hero in high school band.

You know, if we put Jameson on the drum kit,

we'd have ourselves a pretty hip jazz trio.

More like a hipster jazz trio.

Yeah, it's a shame he only plays video games, though.

Shit, we're emptying.

Whoa, maniac!

Are you sure you can handle that?

Why don't you step in the zone and find out?

All right.

Let's do it.

- Loser buys drinks. - Deal.

Beat you!

That was embarrassing.

Did I tell you I'm a ballet bar instructor

when I'm not serving pizza and scraping kids' vomit off Skee-Ball lanes?

I love Swan Lake.

You're looking at Von Rothbart.

Oh, is that right, Baryshnikov?

I'm actually just about to finish up here,

if you want to grab a drink around the corner.

As long as there's karaoke to serenade us.

What? What... What are you doing?

How many times have I told you?

Look. I mean... I mean... How can you understand?

This is smaller than the...

- Mama, por favor. Please. - The smaller things go up here...

Stop! You've never told me this, ever!

- This has always been here all the time. - No. No, you...

- Don't lie to me! - Ow! Mama!

- Don't lie to me. - Damn!

When are you going to learn, darling?

We got customers.

Oh, it's just Miles.

Hi. Good to see you, Miles.

- Juanita. - Yeah. And who's this young lady?

Juanita, Jane. Jane, Juanita.

- Oh! Buena noches. - Buena noches. Como estas, Juanita?

I mean, look how pretty she is.

Prettier than you.

I mean, clearly, she's... She's much smarter than both of you put together.

Mama! Why do you have to say things like that?

Ah, look what happens when a boy grows up

and becomes a man.

You know, you actually attract women other than your mom.

- Ew! - We're actually just friends.

Oh, look at you two.

Mmm? I mean, you look like a beautiful couple.

How can you not be one?

Anything you want, it's on me.

I'll have an old fashioned.

A lady who drinks whiskey.

I think I'm in love.

These guys make the best old fashioned in town. Hands down.

Oh, yeah, we do.

Well, if it's the best drink in town, then we gotta try it, right?

- We'll take two. - You're not going to regret it.

I don't think I will.

So, what drives a single...

I mean, I'm assuming single, 30 something dude

with no kids to hang around an arcade by himself?

I don't know. I like playing games.

Takes my mind off stuff.

That so wrong?

That place has the opposite effect on me.

Work takes the joy out of everything.

- You think so? - Absolutely.

What do you do for work, then?

Well, right now I'm in between jobs, but, I'm a writer.

Oh. What kind of stuff?

Well, right now I'm brainstorming my novel about

break dancing in New York in 1970.

But, mostly I write just existentialist crises stuff.

Ah, so that's why you're so down.

I can't really talk about it.

It's like a thing.

You know, between the upskirts and the stolen data,

we've got enough to blow the whistle on these pricks.

Have you read the news recently?

I mean, evidence doesn't mean much.

We're living in the age of alternative facts

and pussy-grabbing.

Well...

If nothing else, we gotta get rid of Schmeltz from that place.

Yeah.

I truly hate that guy.

Yeah, he is the worst.

The place is the worst.

But at least I met you there.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Mmm.

- Hello. - Oh.

Hello.

We found out that the company is harvesting data

and selling people's identities to the highest bidder.

- Harvesting? That's messed. - Super messed.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Right now I'm feeling very undervalued,

so I probably won't do anything.

You know what will make you feel better?

Another one of these.

I think you're right.

What do you think I should do?

Well, I'm always of the mindset of,

if you start something, see it through.

What do you think, Fran? Half assed or full assed?

Vanny, don't stop until the job is done. Cheers.

- Fanny? - It's Vanny.

Vanny? Whoa, Vanny?

That's what Miles says. He says I quit everything.

Maybe he's got a point.

Calm yourself.

If there's one thing I'm not quitting,

it's this drink. Cheers.

Cheers.

I want you to play me something.

Mmm-mmm. No.

No, no, no, no. It is way too early in our relationship for that.

Oh, come on.

Wait. Way too early in our relationship?

Play me something.

Are you serious?

Yes. I want to hear some music. Do it.

Come on, do it.

Do it, do it, do it.

What?

- Okay. What do you wanna hear? - Anything.

Okay.

Told you, I'm rusty.

Shut up and keep playing.

- Come on, let's dance. - No, I'm better at dance-dance.

And you weren't so good at that, Von Rothbart.

Ouch!

Move, move.

- Come on. - Come on. Here we go.

I'm a fox.

Meow!

That was so good.

You're so talented, Miles.

Oh, shit.

That's probably the neighbors.

It's a bit late for trumpet.

Hey, I am so sorry.

That had to hurt.

- Don't fight us. - It won't be fun.

What the fuck are you doing here, Schmeltz? This is my home.

Nice place. Ladies, find the files.

I need what you've stolen from me.

What?

Look, I know you and your little cohorts schemed against me.

So where are my files?

- I don't know what you're talking about. - Listen, asshole.

There's cameras all over Teleplex.

You seriously thought there wasn't a camera in my office, too?

Holy shit!

You really are a moron, aren't you?

Keep searching, girls!

I haven't sweated this much since I did hot rock yoga.

Wow. You're such a hipster.

I mean, a pretty hipster, but a hipster nonetheless.

Kombucha.

Okay.

So, uh, where's your place?

Uh, it's not far from here.

Ah. Come on. I'll give you a ride.

- Let's go! - Yeah!

So, show me where the files are.

Please?

Pretty please.

Oh, see, according to my data research,

there is a 50% chance of penis growth if you use Pharex's ViaGrow.

Lola, Ruby, explain to him how this works.

Oh, you are such a bastard.

Yeah. That's what my mom told me.

That kind of language is not gonna get you a promotion!

Oops! I dropped your computer in the sink

and I turned on the water.

Oh, here we go!

What we do is we marinate that in a good bit of H2O.

We put just a little bit of soap water to make sure it gets pretty clean.

And then we just let that fucking sit there.

Just give me what I want!

Back off!

Stop!

Miles, she's got a gun.

That's right, Miles. She's got a gun!

- Nothing on her, sir. - Damn it.

I wanted to frisk you.

- Ouch! - Back off, Schmeltz.

Isn't this just fucking adorable?

Where's your fucking idiot helper? Huh?

- Thanks for the ride. - You're welcome.

- That was fun. - Yeah, it was.

Why you doing this to me?

Maybe because you decided to be a grotesque pig

and film upskirts of your employees.

You're the bastard stealing people's identities

and selling them to the highest bidder.

You're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit.

Everybody does it.

You buy the latest iPhone,

you swipe on your social media.

Swipe, swipe.

Just giving away your life.

That's the price you pay for living on the grid.

Duh!

So, where are my files?

Ooh, see,

our associate has them, and he is far, far away.

- I love your hair. - Thanks.

That's my power source.

Whoa, Mama! Yeah.

Oh, wow. All right. Oh, yeah! Get them off! There you go!

Whoa! Yeah!

If we disappear,

all of that shit will be out in the world,

and Teleplex, along with you, will be exposed.

Our associate is just waiting to push the button.

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- Boss! - Oh, what? God damn it!

- It's the big boss. - Oh.

Hey! Yeah, yeah.

No, everything's fine here.

Yeah, we're just finishing up.

No, not yet.

Did you let Jameson know?

I tried. He didn't answer.

Fuck. Damn, where is that guy?

Stop talking.

That's fucking weird.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay! Ah!

Inverted downward dog. Yeah.

Fuck, yeah! Do you feel it?

Own that, baby! Own that, baby!

Oh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic.

- No? - I feel it.

Do you feel it?

Yeah. Oh.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Breathe.

- I can't breathe! - Breathe.

- Oh, okay. I feel it now. Yeah, yeah. - There it is. Yeah, feel it.

It's called soaking.

That was amazing!

Wasn't it? I'm practicing the art of Kama-yoga-lates.

It's a mix between Kamasutra, Bikram Yoga and Pilates.

You're welcome.

I for sure thought you'd be a soft lay.

But that was something else.

Dhanyavada.

What?

It's Sanskrit for "thank you."

- Oh. - Dhanyavada.

The fuck are you looking at?

They used to put me in a cage when I was a kid.

No, I'm not talking to you, Giorgio.

No, that's not true. They didn't put me in a cage.

Yes, we're on our way.

Pack them up.

- Giorgio wants to meet our new friends. - Fuck.

Uh, wait, I have to go to the bathroom.

Just hold it, okay?

I will pee in your car.

Fine. Let her go.

Could you turn away, creeper?

You better not be shitting! Hurry up!

Let's go, Tinkle Bell.

Si parfaite.

Double bun?

- Impressive. - Thank you.

I've been working on it for quite some time now.

I have to grow it out,

invest in twice-a-day conditionings,

but it's worth it.

I love it.

Dhanyavada.

There it is again.

My yoga master's a hard ass on me,

so basically speak fluent yoga, you know?

Okay. Well, Jameson, this has been fun,

but I better head home.

You wanna... give me your number?

Haven't you heard of a one-night stand before?

Oh! Yeah, I have. Um...

I'm just kidding.

That was good.

Okay. Yeah, that... You're funny.

Um, my phone. Where is it? I think it's, uh...

Oh, um, I think it might've

gone over by the dresser when I ripped your pants off.

Yes, you did. Got it.

All right.

- You ready? - Oh, I'm ready.

9-1-7-5-8...

- Shit. - What?

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Uh, is your crazy ex here or something?

Remember when I told you I was having a really shitty day?

Well, yeah. I don't have dementia.

Well, their psychopath boss

and these two buff yet really strangely hot Asian twins

just stole my best friends.

- Excuse me? - It's my fault. This is all my fault.

What am I gonna do? This is all my fault.

I... I didn't answer.

They texted me and I didn't respond,

because I wasn't paying attention because I was boning you,

and I didn't respond.

And now they're stolen. Now my friends are gone.

What do I do? What do I do?

Well, you had a pretty good distraction.

This is serious!

Oh. Um, okay. Well, uh...

- You have the files they're after, right? - Yeah.

So, you've got the power.

They need what you have.

That's called leverage.

I don't know.

Because then I'll have to get involved,

and what if I'm into those Asian twins,

because they're strong, and like, it's a weird thing...

You know what?

I'm starting to think your friends were right about you quitting on things.

I'll text him. I will text him.

- There we go. - All right.

It's not recognizing you.

No. It's because of the double man bun.

It doesn't recognize my face now.

- Uh, maybe try you hair... - I'll do the code.

- I'll do the code. 6-8-6-8... - 6-8, not 6-9.

You do me all you want.

- Call. - All right, we are in.

What do I say?

How about you start with, "Where are you headed?"

Distract her.

So, have you worked for Teleplex long?

Wow. Amazing.

- So, where we headed? - Stop talking.

Hey, look! Look. Jane just sent me a GPS pin.

Where are we headed?

Take me to Tarzana.

Everybody out.

Ah! Welcome, special guests.

- Where's Giorgio? - Master Giorgio's in the jungle room.

Please, come, come. Follow me.

Let's go. Follow Charles.

Where the hell are we?

I feel like Tarzan's about to jump out.

Ah! How keen of you to notice.

It's the last home owned by Edgar Rice Burroughs before his untimely death.

Master Giorgio is an avid collector of all things Tarzan related.

You may not know this, but Tarzana was founded by Mr. Burroughs

as an enclave for those seeking refuge from the...

- What the fuck is he talking about? - Go!

If he could only see it now.

Ah! Here we are, the jungle room.

Master Giorgio will be with you shortly. Toodaloo!

The owner of Teleplex lives... here?

Who the hell is this guy?

Pull up to the scene. Where my clothes, mister?

Pull up to the scene. Where my clothes, mister?

Yeah, I'm different.

Pull up to the scene. No clothes.

These two have been a major pain in my ass.

I better get my goddamn bonus

for the shit they put me through.

You'll be lucky if I don't feed you to Lucy.

Lucy would just love a juicy sap like you.

Okay.

- You're doing the smell thing again. - Oh, yeah.

That's what animals do when they smell their prey.

Now, get out. Now.

I want my bonus.

Miles, Jane. Welcome to my estate.

I am Liev Giorgio.

Uh, yeah, we're not here by choice.

Schmeltz and your thugs dragged us here, so...

What do you think of my jungle room?

It's a little obsessive.

Why do anything at all, if not to obsess over it?

Maybe because you sound like a sociopath.

Well, obsession and painstaking attention to detail

are what got me this far in life.

See, they used to call me the King of Silicon Valley.

Only Zuckerberg had more success than I

at an earlier age.

And he created what?

- A glorified dating website. - Ooh!

What's your point, Giorgio?

My point is that I created the very first algorithm

that would allow me to track the purchases and web activity

of millions of web mongers.

I know who's gonna buy what

and what you're gonna want to buy next.

You see, I have been watching all of humankind

since the dawn of the Internet.

Like an omniscient God.

Your omniscient God!

Wow!

Takeaway to all of that, without my data mining,

there is no Teleplex, no jobs for you two.

Does it feel good

prying into people's lives like a petty criminal?

Well, you leave your trash out on the street...

it's gonna be sniffed.

You're nothing but a nerd without a conscience.

Me, Tarzan. You, Jane!

Okay, okay, okay. Back off, spray tans.

You see, you have something that belongs to me.

I just ask that you return it.

Wow, this is huge.

Who lives here?

The Teleplex guy must be fucking loaded.

My grandpa had a house like this.

He was a dick.

Look, Vinny, I don't think you should go in there.

I'm sorry that I dragged you into this, but...

this isn't your problem.

Uh, it's already my problem.

I'm just kidding.

I like you, I wanna help.

I like you, too. A lot.

Okay, so what can I do?

This has got all the files on it.

I downloaded it. Now...

I don't know what's gonna go on in there, so...

can you just hold on to this for me?

Of course. No problem.

A-ha. It's been up there a while.

My files. Give them to me, now.

If what you're doing is so legal,

we have every right to share your business dealings with the public.

You absolutely do not.

I have a strict NDA with all my clients.

- With Putin? - And with you.

You see, sweetheart,

you really should read your contracts a little bit more carefully.

Mmm. I don't work for you anymore.

- Oh. - And neither do I.

I quit. Effective immediately.

I accept your resignation.

However, you are now in possession

of stolen proprietary information.

And it is I who should alert the authorities.

LAPD. Here they are, officers. Take them away.

Why don't you do that,

and I'll be sure to mention that you sent your goons

to abduct and terrorize us

in the middle of the night at our homes.

Mmm. Yeah.

And, one of your executives

was secretly recording videos of his female subordinates.

Mmm. Sounds like a class action lawsuit to me.

Schmeltz, get your ass in here right now.

Yeah.

They give you the files yet, boss?

Does it look like I got the files,

you filthy pervert?

Whoa! Wait!

Just relax. I can fix this. I can fix it.

- I am starting to lose my temper. - Of course.

You've exposed me, Schmeltz.

That's the bastard with the files!

Hello?

Who are you and what do you want?

Yeah. Hi. Uh, my name is Jameson Doheny.

I'm friends with Jane and Miles.

I think you're holding them hostage.

So, if you could, uh...

you know, go ahead and open up.

What the fuck?

How do they know you're here? Did... Did he follow you?

- No, no! It's got to be one of them! - Hello?

Both of you, empty your pockets, now.

Now!

We frisked her!

That's not my fault!

Un-fucking-believable!

All right, I'm gonna blink twice.

Give that. Hand it over, now.

Now. Now. Give it here.

- Really? - Shut it.

Oh, Charles, where are you?

Yes, Master. Ooh! Yes, Master Giorgio.

There you are, my sweet, precious Charles.

Um, please get this lump of trash

out of my jungle room

and incinerate this mobile device immediately.

Right-O, Master Giorgio.

Uh... Oh.

Twins!

Kaw-kaw!

I think Mr. Schmeltz here

may have Schmeltzed himself.

Get him the fuck out of here.

Um, hello?

I have the files.

Come in through the gate.

That's what I thought, bitch.

Oh! I didn't... I didn't mean that.

Jameson, you fuckhead.

- Oh, and Charles... - Mmm-hmm?

...take the girls to, uh, meet our new guests.

Boop!

I love that man.

Both of you, out. That way. That way.

Move your tight little asses.

Move it.

Keep it moving.

Left, left, right, left.

Ah, and here we are.

Lovers' suite.

In you go.

Come on. Go, Miles.

Move that sweet little ass of yours.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

All right. Enjoy your stay.

Don't touch anything.

I'll come back for you later.

Great.

We're stuck in his robot torture lab now. Perfect.

Hello!

Uh...

I'm here for Jane and Miles.

Welcome, visitor.

I'm Charles. These are my lovely twins.

Are those real guns?

Please, please accompany me to the sitting room.

This is from Master Giorgio himself.

Come, come. Please, please come.

What are the chances that Jame-O screws this up

and we die in here?

I'd say strong.

Strong to very strong.

Yeah. Jame-O is a fuck up and Giorgio's a psychopath.

Bad combo.

Oh, yeah. That's awesome. That is awesome.

Ooh, that's nice.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, there he is.

The man responsible for it all.

My lover. I'll leave you to it.

Are you the bastard that stole my data?

You have a really cool house, dude.

I love the Tarzan motif. Really coming together.

What's your deal?

Oh, I just came for my friends.

Is that all you want?

That's all I want.

Oh, yeah.

You like to party?

I like to party.

All right. Let's party, then.

- Whoa! - Oh!

Whoo!

What... is this?

It's a new designer drug I cooked up.

I call it Jungle Fruit.

What does it do?

Well, it's got all the euphoria of MDMA

plus the fuck-all-night of coke.

I'm not supposed to do drugs tonight.

You wanna help your friends?

- You want to get out of here? - Yeah.

Then try it.

Be somebody!

Okay. Okay. All right.

I will be somebody!

Be somebody.

God, that's gross!

Oh.

Jesus! You fucking psycho! What are you doing?

Bang!

Bang! You're dead.

I'm, uh...

I'm sorry for getting us into this mess.

What mess?

I love being abducted and held hostage

by an uber-wealthy maniac in Tarzana.

I mean, it's just how I unwind

after a long day of work at Teleplex.

I wonder why I'm still single.

So, when did you get divorced?

Oh, shit.

I need to come clean about something. I, uh...

I looked at your data profile.

Look, I'm sorry. It was wrong. I shouldn't have done it.

- I just... It was there and I clicked on it and... - I hate hypocrites the most.

No, I know. And you deserve to hate me, okay?

But, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not judging you.

It's okay. I just, um...

It's just a painful subject for me.

I fell in love for the first time

when I was an undergrad at UCLA.

Things moved really quickly and we got married. And then...

life screwed it all up.

You have something forward, right?

Assuming we don't die here.

But, yeah.

The future is ours.

Sometimes you get this feeling that we're living in this...

this weird technological age,

where everything we do is being monitored

under a digital microscope.

Big Brother is watching us.

Scary times.

I mean, it could be worse.

Yeah. It could be.

Hello.

Wow. That was, uh...

That was... That was really sexy.

And, uh... you're probably asking yourself,

"What am I doing here?"

And the answer to that question is,

I'm here to rescue you both.

Wait. What? Why would you do that?

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm employed by a fucking lunatic named Giorgio.

And, uh, that's not my real accent. I'm actually from Irvine.

Real name's Ricky.

Anyway, you two seem like a lovely pair,

and I'd hate for you to die here in Tarzana.

What? You're actually here to help us?

Bro, I am the rat fleeing the sinking ship.

You want off or not?

And what about Jameson?

I don't really know how to say this,

but your friend is on a crazy drug bender with Giorgio.

I don't know what the fuck they're up to.

Moo! Moo like a cow. Moo like a cow.

Moo like a cow.

Anyway, uh...

Yeah, I would just...

I would probably leave him here.

That's your best bet.

Well, we're not gonna leave without him.

All right. Well, then you're on your own because I'm done.

I'm getting the fuck out of here.

I've been here for 13 years.

I haven't had sex in seven of those 13 years.

Besides, I had sex with Giorgio, but...

I don't know what that is.

I wouldn't call that sex.

So, uh, you guys coming or not?

Hey, assholes.

Shit!

Hi! Freeze!

You two royally fucked up my life,

really fucking good!

You fuckin' laughin' at?

- Wow! No, it's fine. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wow, Schmeltz!

You really are a piece of shit.

Oh, just stop!

You're just big fat bully.

And you're just a dirty fucking whore with a trashy mouth!

Now, shut up before I put a bullet in your fucking head!

You will not shut me up.

Does it make you feel good exploiting women?

- Hmm? - No! Shut up!

- Does it make you feel like a man? - No.

I feel sorry for you.

Because no matter who you shame or harass...

you will always truly be alone.

You better be quiet or I will fucking shoot you.

I promise you that.

Wow.

All this time, I thought you were just a pervert.

But you're a murderer, too.

What? Shut up! No!

You killed Gordy, didn't you?

No... No, no, no, no, no. I had nothing to do with that!

I had nothing to do with that.

Don't be shaking your head like I had something to do with that!

I had nothing to do with that!

- Schmeltz! - What? What the fuck?

Come on, let's go.

♪ I've had the time of my life... ♪

Baby, you're so cute.

I love you. I love you.

Bro, that is a cool monkey.

Isn't he handsome?

- What's his name? - Tutu.

Tutu.

Tutu.

- Wow, that's a cool name. - Yeah.

I didn't know you could actually own a monkey.

Well, you can't, legally, but who's gonna stop me?

I'm rich, bitch.

- Is he safe? - Yeah.

Just, uh, don't give him any of your Jungle Fruit.

Makes him wanna eat faces.

Bro, your monkey is a sick dancer.

Your monkey's got moves, bro.

Of course he does.

He's my fucking monkey.

Look at him. Yeah, I taught him that.

Say, you're a fun guy, Jame-O.

Look, I really don't wanna have to hurt you.

Please, tell me...

how do we resolve our differences, hmm?

Files. Yep.

Here is your flash drive.

I really just came for my friends.

Oh. Yeah, that's right.

Oh, wow.

You guys really got all the good shit, didn't you?

- Your monkey just ate all the drugs. - Huh?

No. No!

Bad Tutu!

Give me the Jungle Fruit.

No, no, no.

Jame-O.

Hey!

How'd you get here? I can't get up.

What the fuck! She'll be running amuck for the next three days.

Well, that is a bummer, bro.

I'm, uh...

I'm gonna go.

No, no, no.

The party's not over. You don't leave.

Sit your ass down.

Gotta get him out of there.

Yeah. I got this one.

Hold it, Giorgio.

Miles.

Welcome to the party.

Sit down, psycho.

Let us not resort to name calling.

Miles, there's a fucking gun inside the loincloth thing!

Okay, so grab it off him.

Yeah. Come and get it.

I'm good.

Jame-O, get the fucking gun.

Yes. Get it.

Jame-O, what does my fox say?

♪ Ding, ding, ding Di-ding, d-ding, ding, ding ♪

That's not it.

Okay. All right.

Is... Bro, it that... your real...

Oh, yeah.

- That's all you? - Yeah.

Fucking good job, man.

That's great.

Hold on, let me get...

Oh, got it.

Look at that. He's got my gun.

Bravo.

Did you give him the files?

Jame-O. How fucking high are you right now?

Pretty, uh...

Pretty high.

Jesus.

- Jame-O. The files! - Hmm?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gave him the files.

Okay. Giorgio, you have the files.

We're leaving, and this is over. Okay?

Oh, no, no, no.

The party is not over.

No one ever leaves my parties early.

Oh, girls!

Bring her in here at once.

Drop it! Drop the gun! Now!

Listen to the lady.

♪ Welcome to the jungle ♪

Drop it, now!

Okay, Okay.

Come on. Come on!

- Let's go! - Jame-O, go, go, go!

Tutu!

Hey, Schmeltz.

Fuck you.

Bingo!

The gate!

Tutu! Tutu!

Where's daddy's little angel?

Tutu!

I'm sorry, Tutu. Just come home, Tutu, please.

Tutu, please! Don't do this to me, Tutu!

Lucy, no!

You guys saved me!

You came back for us, man.

'Course I did, bro!

Sorry for what I said back there. It was out of line.

No, man. You're right.

I do quit everything.

And I need to grow up. So...

Yeah, well, thanks for not giving up on us, man.

You really, really pulled through.

Giorgio was insane.

At least that's all over with now, right?

Not so fast.

I think I have an idea.

Oh, yeah?

That, and there's someone I want you guys to meet.

Do you have a girlfriend, Jame-O?

- Uh, maybe. - I-I don't know.

We don't label things, okay?

Stop coming at me with a pointed tone.

I'm here with Miles Jones, Jane Avant and Jameson Doheny,

the whistleblowers who...

exposed the nefarious data dealings of Teleplex

and its eccentric CEO, Liev Giorgio.

Hello, gang.

'Sup, LA! What's up, dudes?

Welcome.

At this point, it seems as though everyone in America

has read the book you three co-wrote, Take me to Tarzana,

how three millennials took down Teleplex.

It's quite a timely story

about the dangers of living in our current digital age.

In fact, some people have gone so far

as to compare this book and its cultural significance

to that of Upton Sinclair's, The Jungle.

What do you say about that?

Jesus Christ! You're incredible.

You're incredible. Holy shit!

I love your hair.

Thanks. It's my power source.

Maybe we should just try to start over somewhere else.

Oh, between the pussy grab...

Por favor, Miles. Don't act like my son.

Would you, please? Because you're gonna end up like this stupid...

Shot. Fuck. Forget it.

Whoa! Yeah! Wow!

Wow! Wait. Who's the dude over there?

It's not this one.

Don't laugh.

It's this one.

Guys, I farted, so when they get in, it smells.

Thanks.

I used to know you. You fucking surf?

No, man.

- No. No, I'm sorry. - Bro, he fucking surfs.

In HR, I didn't say "scrotum."

Spit in my mouth.

I love you!

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull