Original subtitles

Today is going to be a better day.

Good! 4 across - "for all time".

And it's eight letters.

- Infinite. - Eternal!

Does "eternal" have eight letters?

Yes, because it has a double T.

OK.

So Romania is off, but, Michael,

Northampton is a go situation.

The gateway to the west - Northampton.

Nothing will stop me getting to Northampton.

Oh-h-h, do you know, I'm so happy for you.

- Thank you. - And proud.

Thank you very much.

6 across - "Sword of..." Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du...

Omens.

It's eight letters.

Sword of Damocles.

Da-may-cles!

Yep.

Yes!

We should have a system by now.

- Like what? - I don't know.

I could do cross, you could do down.

Is that a joke?

You'll be the cross one, and I'll be the down one?

Ah-ha-ha!

Yeah, I-I came up with it last night.

You're a funny old fish, aren't you,

cos you're not an intentionally funny person?

- Is that correct? - Well, yeah.

Well, I tell jokes!

No, you don't. You...you stumble and topple headlong into funny things

completely accidentally, occasionally.

Oh, do I? You make me sound like a wounded gazelle.

No, it's endearing.

(SIGHS)

5 down.

- Mm-hm? - "Number of circles of hell."

DAVID: This is a fucking bleak crossword!

- MICHAEL: Four. - DAVID: Nine.

No, it's four.

There are nine circles in hell.

It's four letters!

Nine.

- Nine! - Nine.

Ah!

DAVID: I think I prefer a wordsearch.

- MICHAEL: A word jumble. - DAVID: Sure! Call it what though wilt.

- MICHAEL: I enjoy a Zoom quiz. - DAVID: No, you didn't?

All right. I enjoy hosting a Zoom quiz.

- When all the questions are about you. - Yes, well...

An embarrassment of pretension.

What would be my superpower?

Michael Sheen's superpower would be...flight!

- No. - Uh...invisibility.

Um, fuck no!

I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. Of course it wouldn't be.

I'm actually offended!

What... I don't know.

Funny, stretchy arms?

Uh, no.

My superpower would be that when anyone looks at me...

- Yeah? - ...at will,

I would be able to make myself look like you.

Well, that would be a superpower.

You're not the only person who wishes for that, clearly.

I mean, you could describe it as human repellent.

- What's the next clue? - Oh, shit.

7 across. Oh, my God!

"Lead actor in Staged."

Fuck off?!

- Yes. - You are kidding?

Yes.

How many letters?

Twelve.

Yeah! (CHUCKLES)

- What? - No!

MARY: So talk to me about the auditions.

You know, the ones where I asked you clearly to behave

for the sake of your careers. Your careers.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

So, did you or did you not use

these sessions with A-list Hollywood talent

as an impromptu therapy thing?

Uh, well, um, David was feeling vulnerable,

a bit tender. Weren't you?

Well, some of the improvisations got a wee bit personal.

Did you cry?

No!

Did you?

I cry - that's a perfectly healthy response.

You realise you're a laughing stock, yeah?

You know this, right?

That the sessions were screen tests

and they were filmed?

And those films have now been shared

and shared and watched.

How widely?

Globally. Exponentially.

So, does that mean now our profile is bigger in America?

(IRISH ACCENT) No, Michael.

America still doesn't like you.

Can we just have one more chance?

We can be professional, Mary, we really can.

Yeah.

I think you're cursed.

Cursed?

Have you ever met a wizard?

No...

Are you sure?

Because... (LAUGHS) ...I think

the wizard must have fucked you in the ass!

(BEEPING)

I'm pretty sure I would have remembered that.

- Well, not if you were enchanted. - (BEEPING)

Hey, guys!

- Hi. - Hi. How was that?

Lovely.

Oh, she was so excited to speak with you guys.

Seemed so, yeah.

Tom, um...

Do you think you could get her to give us another chance?

A chance of what?

Of reading with the actors?

No need. It's done. It's already cast.

- What? - What?!

Really?

What, they've cast? Finished?

- DAVID AND MICHAEL: Us? - No, I shouldn't have said anything.

Pretend I didn't say anything. Pretend I didn't say anything.

Who...who is it?

- I can't say, Michael, I cannot say. - Oh, come on!

- No, I can't. - Tom, please. Please!

We just want to know who it is. We just want to know who it is.

It's still embargoed. It's still embargoed. Mary would kill me.

With the trophy that she found, she would absolutely kill me.

(PLEADING) Tom...

- Oh, David, don't do that. - What?

Don't first-name me.

Do you remember the last time you first-named me?

Do you remember this? (CHUCKLES)

When did you go to Disneyland with Tom, David?

Unbelievable!

(SIGHS HAPPILY)

So, can you help us out?

OK, this is what's happening, this is what's happening.

In the books right now,

there is a call with Simon and the other actors about a rewrite.

Then, after that, there's going to be a whole big announcement,

then you'll find out...

So why don't you let us join the call?

- Yes! - No, no.

Come on. It would make David so happy...

- It would. - ...if you could do that.

David, would it really make you happy?

I'd love it.

Yeah. Look, look, look! Look at David's face.

- How can you refuse that face, Tom? - Come on...

Aw, look at him. Look at him.

Look at his... Michael, it's insane! Look at that face!

Just say you sent us the link accidentally, like your finger slipped.

- Not your fault. - I can't. I can't.

- But look how he's saying it, Michael. - Come on...

- We'll be so well behaved. - Oh, absolutely.

And then when David comes over to LA next...

Yeah.

...you know, if you get us on that call,

I'm sure David would love to spend time with you

and hang out, go for dinner, take in a show.

Michael, you said hang out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you tell us... If... Mmm.

(MOUTHS)

Hey-hey-hey-hey.

Mwah-mwah-mwah!

- That would be great. - Yeah.

That would be great.

If you can get us on that call, Tom...

Yes, David, did you hear what Michael said?

Whoa, fuck, yeah. I know exactly where we can get food.

I know exactly where to get dinner.

I've already planned the courses and everything,

and I know exactly what we'll be drinking at the time.

I'm into that. I think this is amazing.

David's always talking about how much he'd like to meet up with you

- and just hang out. - That's me!

Michael, that's me but vice versa!

- I'm talking about him all the time. - Well, let's make that happen.

Let's make that happen as soon as we've done this.

And then I could maybe, you know... I'll be over soon,

and we could hang out as well.

So much traffic, though, right, Michael?

So much traffic here.

We just want to know who it is.

And we can eat anything we want, we can talk about anything we want?

You can choose, of course.

Listen, you know the city, you can show me round.

Yeah?

- I'm going to throw up. - You OK?

Take your time.

(MOUTHS)

- Are you OK? - Yeah. I'm fine.

We've been with this project

- from the start. - You have.

- We deserve... - It's not even that big of a deal.

Nobody's even going to know we're there.

What do you say?

- What do I say? - Yeah.

(VOMITS)

This suddenly feels really strange.

Mm-hm. So strange.

Yeah. I've just never played myself before, so...

Are you going to do it like you?

Are you going to do it like David?

No. (LAUGHS) No!

I'm going to do it like me...I think.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too. Me too. - Like me?

No, like me.

Why don't I do it like you, and you do it like me?

Yeah, that'd be fun.

OK.

And then I could do it like a smoky angel.

I'll pretend to be a drunk giraffe.

(BOTH CHORTLE)

Fuck you!

No, I just mean you're statuesque

but you're sort of a little bit elastic, you know?

I can put my fist in my mouth, so...

...I'll give you that.

- (PAPERS RUSTLE) - So, do you know either of them?

I used to know David.

And what about, um, Simon?

Do you know Simon?

Allegedly.

What does that mean?

Oh, no!

No. No, no, I just have no memory of him whatsoever.

Uh-huh.

He sent me an email that said, "Long time, no see."

Oh, God, I hate that phrase.

- It makes me so nervous. - Well, did you challenge?

No, I just replied, "You too! Can't wait to catch up," blah-blah-blah.

I asked around. Apparently, he's quite forgettable.

Don't tell him I said he was forgettable.

- I won't. - Or that I forgot him.

Hmm!

- Don't. - Of course!

Can you really fit your fist into your mouth?

- Hi. - Oh!

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

- Hi! - Hi!

- Hello! - Hello there. Hello.

- Hi, uh, Cate! - Simon?

- Lovely to meet you. - Hi.

- Phoebe! - Yay!

Yay!

Long time, no see!

- Long time, no see! - You've worked with Phoebe before?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we go back a way.

When was that?

Sorry, Phoebs just hasn't had a chance to...to...to tell me.

When...was that?

- Oh, well, Phoebe, you... - (PHOEBE CHUCKLES)

Um, did I not...?

You tell it! You tell it this time!

I was just talking to Cate about it.

Um, I can't remember the name of the, um...

The play.

The play!

- Yeah. Like A Fishbone. - Like A Fishbone!

At the Royal Court.

At the Bush.

Yeah, a couple of years ago.

Yeah. Well, 2010.

Couple of years ago, yeah.

Yeah. Happy... Happy times. And it's lovely to be in both your orbits,

to sort of read a little bit of this. It's a sort of scene

from series one of the UK version.

- We sort of tinkered with it... - We Adrian Lestered it - love it!

There you go! God, thank you.

I'm just going to go and grab a notebook quickly.

OK. Really nice to see you.

So lovely to see you!

(WHISPERS) Fuck you.

That was not funny.

That was not...

- (GROWLS) - Jesus!

(GROWLS)

(GROWLING FADES)

Michael?

Phoebe?

Hello!

Fuck me, it's Cate Blanchett.

Hi!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Um, Simon?

Um, we...we just weren't aware that Michael was actually going to be here.

I was unaware Michael was going to be here.

We were actually specifically told that he wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry. We are just supposed to be observing, but...

What do you mean by "we"?

What are you doing here?

Uh, we're reading for the show.

- Which show? - Your show.

- My show? - Our show.

What did you mean by "we"?

We're reading... We're reading for Simon.

Sorry, have you worked with Simon before?

- Phoebe has! - Um...2012.

- '10. - '10. David's not coming, is he?

- Hello! - Jesus.

Sorry I'm late.

Phoebe?

David.

Long time, no see.

- Yeah, long time, no see. - What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here? - Stop repeating each other.

Sorry, I won't be in the same room as him.

Well, technically, we're not in the same room.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Oh! Technically, we're not in the same room.

(SNEERING) Technically, we're not in the same room!

We're not in the same room, are we? Thank God we're not in the same room.

Simon... Simon, sorry.

Could you remind me again, what are they doing here?

Er, we're the new Michael and David.

- TOM: David? - Uh, no.

Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you?

Who am I? I'm Tom.

Who the fuck is Tom?

Uh, David's best friend, Tom.

He's probably talked about me if you're around him, like, ever.

OK, your silence is insane. Can you please get him for me?

Uh, um, n-no.

Who are you?

Who are you? Are you his personal assistant? His masseuse?

His Dungeons & Dragons person?

Do you clean his Daleks?

Are you, like, his patissier?

Do you make his pastries? Tell me what you're doing there.

Well, yeah, all those...all those things,

and also his wife.

Georgia! So you've made love with him.

(GEORGIA GASPS)

OK, sorry, can you...can you tell me where he is?

Yeah, he's just on a call.

Shit...

What?

(TOM ROARS)

What?

(ROARS)

- Fuck! We're... Fuck! - What?

What do you mean? Is it with Phoebe and Cate?

- Georgia, is he with Phoebe and Cate? - Who are Phoebe and Cate?

I'm going to be sick.

Mary's on her way over here right now...

...with the Golden Globe.

Oh, congratulations!

- She's going to beat me to death with it. - Oh.

Did you know that Phoebe hates David?

Phoebe?

Yeah! Cos I had no idea.

Nobody told me.

Phoebe, as in Waller-Bridge?

Yeah, the monologue woman. The monologue woman.

Yeah, you're fucked.

(TOM SIGHS)

Mi-Michael?

Who...who let you in to this?

Uh, Tom did.

- Who's Tom? - Mary's assistant, Tom.

Well, he shouldn't have done that.

OK... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you liked each other.

(SCOFFS) Not any more.

Oh, let it go, Phoebe.

Uh, David, why don't you tell them?

- No. - We worked on Broadchurch together.

- Second series. - Why does that matter?

Oh, it matters.

Shall we just read instead? Let's read the scene.

Um, sorry, Cate.

Can I...? I'm just going to get this out the way.

I am a huge fan.

Oh, my God!

Thank you!

I mean, you're Michael Sheen, for God's sake.

- Oh! You're Cate Blanchett. - Cate Blanchett is a big fan.

- MICHAEL: Oh! - CATE: No, no, seriously.

I don't know, you have this way of just losing yourself in your roles. It's...

Well, excuse me, didn't someone play Bob Dylan?

Can we...can we read?

No, I'd like David to tell the story first.

I don't think anyone wants to hear the story.

Simon wants to hear it, don't you?

I...suppose so.

I remember that. I remember that from the Donmar.

Uh, the Bush.

- Like A Goldfish! - Fishbone.

Yeah, exactly.

I remember that you like a good story.

Uh, yeah. There are other, more memorable things about me.

So we were filming Broadchurch on location.

There were long days,

and it happened that, occasionally,

I would need the bathroom.

So when I did need to go,

early on, David would find a way

of making his phone omit a sound.

A sound?

Like a text alert.

A text alert?

- It's like a ping. - Ping?

Well, he was...methodical.

I'd go, and his phone would ping.

I didn't notice at first.

Weeks passed.

Cause and effect swapped places -

his phone would ping...

It just... It became Pavlovian.

- This...this can't be real. - It is real.

I heard it and I had to go - immediately and involuntarily.

It was a joke.

I was written out of scenes.

It was a joke.

Whole scenes because I had to go to the toilet.

- That's not what happened! - That is what happened.

I thought it would be funny.

Well, it's not!

All right! How much comedy have you done?

She is funny.

Have you seen Notes On A Scandal?

Yeah, have you?

You ruined my career.

I stopped being cast, roles dried up.

I was "difficult to work with".

No-one wanted to hire me

because they called me

the Loo Recluse.

What about Fleabag?

I had to fucking create Fleabag.

- I inspired you. - Can we read, please? Can we read?

I had to carve my way back in.

- Please, can we read? - Look, I'm sorry.

I've got to be somewhere. I've got to be on another call.

No. Come on.

- I'm sorry. - Please!

I really have to get on another call.

Seriously, why have we not met before?

I don't know.

- We've got to do something about that. - Yeah.

Hang on. If you two are playing us, who's playing our other halves?

Who's playing Georgia?

You mean George?

George? Is that a joke?

You wouldn't know a joke if it came on your face.

Uh, sorry, who are...who are you

talking to about the partners, uh, Simon?

Oh, well, unconfirmed,

but fingers crossed.

Um, Martin Freeman.

- Oh! - No, no, no!

Fuck you! No, not Martin Freeman!

- Not again. - He's lovely!

No, he is a fucking thief.

I...

OK, look, I was going to be Bilbo Baggins.

You were supposed to be in The Hobbit?

Yes, it was mine.

The role was mine,

I'd accepted it, and then he stole it from me.

Oh, no, no, no, no, he's a sweetheart.

No, he's a monster.

- Can we read, please? - Is that when you were recast?

- Yep. - I thought it was me!

Sorry, when would you ever replace me?

You do look like a Hobbit.

Peter Jackson, he did ask me about you.

When?

- I mean, it was a long time ago. - And what did you say?

Well, I was honest and said I'd never heard of you.

Oh. Well, did he ask you about Martin?

Well, yes. I just...

...said I thought he was all right in Frost/Nixon.

That was... That was me!

That was you?

That was me!

Yeah, that was him. Yeah.

Oh, you ruined my career!

Back off, hairy legs!

I didn't know that was you.

- I lose myself in my roles. - Well...

Do it less!

Do it less?

Yes, lose yourself less.

Lose myself less!

Please, can we read? Please!

- Please! - Fine, fine, fine.

- Please! Can we...? - (THUDDING)

Can we read? Can we just read?

Can we read it? Can we just read it once?

Just please read it!

Fine.

Yeah, great.

Thank you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh!

(WHISPERS) Fuck you.

Yes. Yes, the seventh letter of "lead actor in Staged"

is the last letter of 4 across.

And 4 across is...?

"For all time."

Right. It's infinite.

Last letter is E.

D-A-V-I-D-T-E-N-N-A-N-T. It's David Tennant.

Or what about "immortal"?

Last letter is L.

M-I-C-H-A-E-L-S-H-E-E-N.

Uh, any other cross words?

Um, 2 across.

"Animated animal" -

it's three letters,

and it shares a first letter with either you or me.

- Dog. - Man.

- Man? - Dog?

Yeah, there's loads of animated dogs!

Snoopy.

Deputy Dawg.

Um...Droopy.

- It's ant. - Ant?

Yes, animated animal, three letters, Ant, from the movie Antz.

Oh, right.

And it is "immortal".

That doesn't fit with either of us.

Because it's Adrian Lester.

Aw...

Aw, that's disappointing.

He's only in one episode.

And he was shit!

Yeah. He was shit.

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