Original subtitles

Hello?

Hello?

- Hi. - Hi.

What's going on?

- What, didn't you call me? - Er, nope.

- Michael? - Yeah?

Did you call David?

Er, yes, well, I did try to call, but then I changed my mind.

- Why? - Well, it occurred to me

if I wanted to endure a deluge of vacuous crap,

I could just put my head in the toilet.

- He said, er... - Yeah, I heard him, yeah.

He just needs to vent to someone.

Oh, and you can tell him that, if you like, the toilet thing.

Right, OK. If you...

...could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Oh! Erm...

- ...Cambodia. - Yes.

- The food, the culture. - Yep.

- Yep. - It's so unfamiliar.

There's a temple in the hills, and it's the quietest place I have ever been.

- DAVID: Who are you talking to? - Anna.

Oh! Tell her to tell him he's a twat!

Where would you go?

I think I would take a road trip around Europe.

That's intrepid.

I'd start in Austria.

I love Austria.

Then I'd go Czechoslovakia, then Poland.

Yeah, that's the route the Nazis took.

Right, that...that isn't why

- I suggested those countries. - No.

- Maybe I'd go on to Paris. - That's just making it worse.

MICHAEL: Did you tell him about the...shit in the ears?

- I heard that! - What?!

I heard you!

- Have you heard of the Bechdel test? - No.

Right. Well, it's the measurement of whether a scene features at least

two women talking to each other about something other than a man.

Tell Michael I never want to speak to him ever again as long as I might live.

Tell David that's the best news I've heard all day.

GEORGIA: OK, he's not talking to Michael.

SIMON: Are you all right?

Yeah, and when he doesn't talk to Michael, he talks to me. At me.

- OK. - Do you like bats, Simon?

- Bats? - Bats.

Yeah, he's a bit like a bat, just sort of, um,

spraying out white noise, echolocating,

triangulating my position with his inane bollocks.

Do you have a cupboard?

Have you tried hiding?

OK, you need to fix this.

- Why do I need to fix this? - Because you broke it.

- How did I break it? - Because you left them here.

- Not deliberately! - No?!

- No! - No?

No.

- I've never seen you like this. - Like what?

Sort of angry.

I am not angry.

Would you like to see angry?

No.

OK.

OK, Simon, there is a call that you scheduled today with them.

Yeah? What's it about?

Just notes on the script from the other actors. I asked them...

...when they were in there to sort of find out what the feedback was and...

...so this is just them, David and Michael, just reporting back.

Cool. OK, so you just need to get them talking.

- How? - I don't care.

- Right. - So you'll need to try being...

...bright and enthusiastic and...

What are you doing?

I'm writing down "bright and enthusiastic".

OK, Simon, are you going to be able to handle this?

Yes, I can... Yes, I can handle this.

- Do not get Lucy to do this. - I won't.

- You did. - Well, she's smart.

I know.

But you're the writer.

Yeah, but I haven't heard a fucking word of what I've written in, like...

- ...weeks. - OK, listen to me.

David and Michael, they just need... They have to start talking.

David called me a mollusc.

- You've been called worse. - I've not.

You fucking should have been.

Um, Michael is a sadist.

- And David is a soggy paper bag. - No.

I mean, the...

I think the pressing note was that Michael comes across as...

...an impossible character.

Nobody could be that ludicrously revolting.

Like a sort of pantomime villain.

Like a kind of...

There was nothing believable about him.

No human being could be that twisted,

- that unpleasant... - That's interesting.

- ...just too dark, not, you know... - That's interesting, because that

sort of came up with the Davids as well,

that they felt that it wasn't recognisably human

for someone to literally be able to moan and whinge that much,

that that level of selfishness goes beyond anything that any of them had

ever noticed in any other human being, and is it even possible...

...could the character possibly ever speak

about anything other than himself ever?

And how did that make you feel...David?

Disappointed but unsurprised, you know.

I think they're reacting to the way that,

you know, the character is drawn in the script very unfairly.

A lot of them said that, actually - they were yearning for him to...

...to succeed, to win, to have...

But can I...can I just stop you there?

Because what's interesting is, from the people

- who were reading with me... - Yeah.

...they felt that they wanted to see the Michael character,

um, be more punishing

of the David character, that if he is going to be that...

- Oh. - ...needy and whingy

and moany, that they wanted to see Michael come in harder with him,

like, to really, like, give it to him because he needs...

...he needs to be shaken like a rag doll.

- Michael, do you want to shake David? - It's not me.

Hey, these are just characters.

Got nothing to do with me. I am neutral in this.

Interesting. Cos the people I was reading with

had very much the directly opposite experience.

They were... They found this boorish bully,

this unpleasant... who loved the sound of his own voice...

- Mm. - ...who had this self-righteous...

It's just... They found it deeply unappealing.

They... More than one of them

talked about the bile rising in their throat, they just couldn't read...

They had to put the script down.

You know, that's not gonnae work. That's not gonnae work on American television.

OK.

That's the feedback. I'm just giving you an honest appraisal.

Thank you, David. Thank you.

- And Michael... - Just a vessel.

Just giving you what was said.

Yes, I'm just... I'm entirely objective in this moment.

Maybe, Michael, would you like to say thank you to David?

Would you like to thank David for his honesty?

Merci...beaucoup...to you.

David, would you like to thank Michael for his honesty?

That didn't feel very sincere.

So I don't want to... I don't want to get involved in this.

I think it... I think it trivialises something quite important.

That's because you don't speak French and anything you don't understand, you reject.

Well, you know,

you don't speak Italian, so...

...we've established that.

OK, well, there's...there's a lot to be getting on with.

Er... (COUGHS) ...don't have time for a lot of that, but I can...

- It's food for thought, isn't it? - Yeah.

Well, I am happy to offer some thoughts.

- Oh, are you a writer now, Michael? - Yeah, I've written.

Oh, have you? What have you... What have you written?

I have written...

...acceptance speeches.

So sort of really boring, self-indulgent wanging on?

Oh, no, full of gags, full of gags, full of great gags. Here's one.

Er, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a bar.

Oh, and what happens?

Well, the Englishman fucks off to LA,

the Scotsman moans so much that he empties the entire bar.

And the Welshman?

Inherits the Earth!

Right. Right.

I think that could do with a page one rewrite, to be honest with you.

Well, the audience laughed.

What audience?

JIM: Can you hear me from over there?

OK.

It's just, I don't know...

I... It's hard, you're literally in the corner of mine,

but maybe it's...maybe I could do something in a... Anyway.

Er, you want to read it? Read through it?

There's not really any point.

Oh.

They're reworking the Michael character, doing rewrites.

Oh.

Why?

Cos nobody likes him.

Why not?

Cos he's a psychopath.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Are you not kidding?

I can't see your face very well. Is that a joke?

Why do you say he's a psychopath?

Have you read the script, Jim?

- Yes, I've read the script. - Well, you do know.

I like this a lot.

- Really? OK. - Yeah.

Who wrote it?

Oh, don't worry about that.

OK, see, I... To me, David, the character of Michael

just seems very real.

He's entirely implausible.

Well, no, I mean in, like, a comedy way.

He's, like, heightened, it's exaggerated for comedy.

What he is is a fucking arsehole, that's what he is.

- I didn't get that. He's an asshole. - Yep.

That's so fascinating to me. I... It's not...

Where?

- Where do you see the asshole in this? - No, he's not an interesting arsehole.

That doesn't make him enigmatic and complicated.

He's a...entirely featureless arsehole. He's a vanilla arsehole.

He's the most featureless vanilla arsehole you could ever come across.

I wonder, could you be more specific,

like, about what's in here that reads asshole to you?

I just... If I have anything to, like, hook on to,

I feel like I could extend that under the ground, like, over the surface, whatever,

for the whole scene, but I need a toehold in here.

Well, he says I look pox-ridden.

OK, pox-ridden. Yeah?

Er, then he compares me to a Muppet.

Which is the com...the comedy, but, yeah, it's...

I guess it's harsh, the asshole.

He says that my eyes tire.

- OK. - And that's very personally upsetting

because I have worn glasses since I was four.

But I think, I mean, it's just kind of fun playing,

we're just kind of...

We all put out something that, like, we...we...

We give something of ourselves to the process that we allow to be made fun of

without hurting too much and you mean your eyes a little bloodshot.

Oh, right.

From here.

Are they portals to a barren, parched, arid landscape?

Are they?

Can you...? What, can you see the scorched earth there?

- Have you got that? - No, I don't see.

I think that's definitely something

they'll have to add later in post, in edit.

I mean, you're not even playing the part, I don't...

- Well, no, of course. - Look, here's what I think it is.

I think what you're responding to in Michael is the way he's lashing out.

- Lashing out? - Yes. Because his feelings are hurt.

Right.

Jim, have you even read the script?

David, have you?

Cos we're not seeing the same thing at all.

I've read all of my bits.

OK, I believe that Michael's feelings are hurt.

Michael feels literally nothing.

David lied to him. You lied to him.

Only in the show.

Yes, you lied to him in the show. What are we talking about?

Nothing. That's it.

- OK. - Yeah.

- So Michael is hurting. - Yeah.

Because he feels disconnected from his best friend.

No.

Yes, and it's very sweet to me.

I mean, Michael is defined by David and he doesn't have him right now.

And David is defined by Michael.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

People love this kind of thing.

It's symbiotic, like a warthog and a mongoose.

Which one am I?

I don't know, David.

This didn't go like I thought it would.

You know what? Oh, my God.

I... I forgot that... my phone is ringing.

Don't hear your phone.

Thank you, though, for doing this. This has been really wonderful.

I'm going to tell my agent that we had a good time.

Yeah, you have to press it twice.

You have to leave meeting twice, otherwise I can still see you.

- I feel really energised again. - So it went well?

Yeah, well, no, not at first.

No, at first it was... Well, there were notes and the notes were a bit, um...

What, vague?

- No, sort of more devastating. - Aw!

Yeah, and a lot of them, so for a little while there, I was just a bit, you know,

"Argh! Eugh!"

But then I thought...

..."We do the fucking job."

We do the fucking job.

So I cracked on. (RAPS ON TABLE)

You seem a little manic.

Well, it's not easy, what I do, is it?

Cos you're writing it for real people, who are going to tailor it, each time.

But you're a craftsman.

I am a craftsman but that stuff takes time and energy.

You know, you write it for David and Michael,

then you've got to tweak it for Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

Wait, wasn't it Colin Firth and Hugh Grant at first?

Did I tell you that?

Yeah, you must have.

What?

So, that's what I mean, and then you've got to do it again for Christoph Waltz

and then again for...for...

...for Hugh Bonneville and then for Ken...

And then in between that there was Ewan.

I didn't...

- I didn't tell you about Ewan. - Yes, you did.

So, yeah, it's David, Michael, Hugh, Colin, Simon, Nick, Christoph, Hugh...

And who is next?

Er, after who?

Jim Parsons?

Jim hasn't passed.

Jim Parsons.

Has Jim Parsons passed?

How do you know about these things before I do?

(WHISPERS) Georgia.

Where are you?

I'm...in my house.

You're not in your kitchen.

Er, no, I'm in my spare room.

The baby's asleep in the kitchen.

(SIGHS) Er, shit.

I, um...

I sort of need you to be in your kitchen. I prepared it...

I prepared it that way -

for you to be doing it in your kitchen,

and I'd be doing it where I feel most comfortable.

Well, I'm so sorry, Josh, but, um...

...er, our baby didn't sleep at all last night,

and, um, and then she just fell asleep in the kitchen.

So that is now sort of like hallowed ground,

so if you can work with it being in the spare room,

um, rather than the kitchen, I would be very appreciative.

All right. OK. I can act wherever.

I don't need that.

- I don't need that, I guess. - Thank you.

Fine. Let's go. Let's go.

But, you know, I don't think you needed to learn it.

- But, um... - I learn things.

That's what I do.

(CLICKS FINGERS) Look at me.

- Look...at...me. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - So maybe I held some things back,

but only because I have found

in my time with Michael that, er...

Times like this... Come on, man!

- So... What? - Come on!

What we're doing - this!

This stuff is... This is serious.

- Can you...can you hear crying? - Babies cry.

Do you have children?

That's none of your fucking business!

- Be with me! - OK, OK.

That he can be, um, oversensitive at times, I'd say.

Oh, come on!

I wanted to avoid any hold-up.

Come on. Let's not play the blame game.

(WHISPERS) Fuck's sake, man! For fuck's sake!

- What? - This is serious.

Yeah, I'm... Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm being serious. I'm being serious. I'm sorry.

(CLICKS FINGERS) Let's go again. Let's go again.

I wanted to avoid any hold-up.

Let's not play the blame game.

Stay with me. That's it. Stay with me.

You know, as our time was so limited.

- Let's not start doing that. - Now, let's take it somewhere else.

OK?

Doing what?

Er...pointing fingers?

(WHISPERS) That's it. And I throw you the ball.

Why not?

Stay with me. Stay with me. I know you're scared. Look at me.

Don't lose the eye contact.

I know you're scared, but don't lose the eye contact.

Um, sorry, what do you want me to do?

Fucking make it up, OK?

If we know it...we can play with it.

Improvisation, I believe it's called.

I'm really tired.

Look at me.

- Look at me. - I don't want to!

Look at me! (CHILDISHLY) I'm David.

I'm David, I've called you every name under the sun.

You've taken it, taken it like a wee bit baby.

You've just taken it.

To say the things that I held back,

to call you oversensitive.

Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what?

You don't know the meaning of oversensitive.

You're like a fucking walking nerve end... Everything upsets you.

I mean, I want to...I want to be there for you.

But not a day goes by that something isn't gnawing

at your stupid, stupid brain!

You know, I could cope when it was about the big things, you know,

when your daily existential panic attacks were about a fucking plague!

But now the summit of your concerns seems to be,

"Oh, I can't use the dining room for my phone call,"

or, "Oh, I didn't know there was a family calendar."

And that's fine. You know, that's fine.

But don't get on a video call with your stupid hangdog eyes

and whine and whine and...

Look, if it helps you to expunge, then fucking God bless

and go for it. But I don't work that way!

I... I want to be there for...

God knows, I want to be there for all my friends, you know?

I don't want to be here for them.

I want to be there for them!

Do you know what I'd like?

As if you'd ever fucking ask.

I would like just to hug someone, you know, because I'm struggling, too.

And listening to your agony-aunt,

spoken-word, self-indulgent,

self-help, shit, undergrad beat poem

is fucking killing me!

That was fucking wild.

That was fucking wild.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I just wondered whether you were ever going to come out.

DAVID: Am I a warthog or a mongoose?

I don't know. Er...

- I guess you'd be the mongoose. - Oh, fuck you!

All right, fine, be the warthog. I thought you meant physically.

DAVID: Well, it's better than being Rafiki.

- Which one's Rafiki? - He's the baboon.

Just call the fucking warthog.

(RINGING)

I have become needy.

I've stopped listening.

- I just want to get back to normal. - I know.

Can't go out, can't stay in, can't go to work.

It's like every shred of normality is now smeared in shit.

I feel trapped.

- What, in these little digital boxes? - Yes.

I fucking hate them.

Oh, I hate them.

Staring at your face all day.

Well, yes, I have to stare at my face, too, grinning like a fucking loon.

Like, I grin, like, "Are you funny? I find you funny.

"Yes, you're so fucking funny!"

A smile I don't believe in any more!

(BOTH WHINE)

Fuck! You know, I haven't smiled properly in months.

I'm clamping my jaw so hard, it's giving me headaches.

My masseter muscles are like fucking walnuts.

You do a good line in furrowed brow.

Yeah?

You have a little, erm, vein in your forehead goes purple sometimes.

Your eye twitches two minutes before you need to use the bathroom.

Your nostrils flare when you fart.

How long have we been here?

What, in this hell-scape, pixel-mirror time dungeon?

Yes.

A million years.

Really?

Mm.

How do we escape?

(WHISPERS) I don't know.

(DAVID GULPS)

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