Original subtitles

Do you never get, like, you're at the mercy of your thoughts,

like they're going to smother you?

- No. - Do you meditate?

MICHAEL: Never needed to.

I'm a very tranquil person.

DAVID: Never plagued with conscience?

Nope.

Is that troubling?

Well, I don't know. Have you ever done anything...bad?

Fuck, yes, all the time.

Well, then, yes, it is a little troubling. Yeah.

Potatoes, potatoes.

No, I think that's... That's...

- That's wrong. - What?

That phrase, you're not using it right.

Tomatoes, tomatoes.

Any progress on New York?

Mm.

I'm thinking of asking Mary if she can help out with it.

Oh, yeah? What could she do?

She's got connections.

- How's Italy looking? - Romania.

Did I know it was Romania?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, you know, chuck a dart at a globe, it's just...

How's Romania looking?

I don't know.

I mean, I usually have someone who sorts all these things out for me.

- Georgia says I could drive! - Can you drive?

I usually have someone who does that for me, too.

Do you know there's a rumour that Mary

killed one of her clients with their own Golden Globe?

Oh, that's ridiculous!

I don't have a Golden Globe. I've several TV Choice Awards.

Do you really think you're more valuable?

Look, why are you asking me these questions?

Because...

...you said she's got connections!

In air travel.

- You are sounding paranoid. - I did not sleep.

- Then go and have a nap! - She could fire us!

- No! - No?

Not both of us.

Oh, are you going to throw me under the bus?

- What? - Are you? Answer the question.

- Are you going to throw me under the bus? - I mean, it was your idea.

- Are you going to tell her that?! - Probably not!

- What does "probably not" mean?! - I probably won't tell her that

because she probably won't even be angry!

DAVID: Yes, but if she is angry...

- MICHAEL: Well, it was your idea. - She will fire me!

No, she won't!

I can't be agent-less, not right now.

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Are Nick Frost and Simon Pegg, are they her clients?!

- No. - Fuck!

They're not!

DAVID: She's going to rip my fucking face off!

- MICHAEL: They're not. - Are you...? You know that?

MICHAEL: Absolutely!

DAVID: I've got to get back to work.

We are in this together.

- You promise? - I promise.

Scout's honour?

- Will a cub do? - Yeah. Cub's honour.

Dib-dib, dob-dob.

It's a solemn tryst you make as a child - do not mock it.

I make to thee, at this moment-th...

...a solemn tryst.

Say it in Welsh.

Ych-a-fi...

...solemn tryst.

A gwrog rhyfelwyn...

...dros rhybudd...

...amen.

Was that just a load of old bollocks in Welsh?

Yeah.

Simon can't write women.

- No. - He just can't.

Sorry, Lucy.

No, no, he really can't.

I have never called anyone "chiquitas".

Does he not understand women?

- I think he's confused. - But he has a girlfriend now.

- Yeah, I know! - Yeah, so maybe he'll improve.

Yeah, but I need this scene now,

so I can't really afford to wait for him to mature.

No. Shall we just read it through?

Yeah. Look, we can fix it as we go. It can't be that bad.

"Hey, chiquitas!"

What did you ask him to do?

Oh, um, like, I'm presenting this...this charity thing

and I thought, like, a Staged style-skit might be quite a nice way to open it.

- Yeah, great. - So I thought, "Oh, I know.

"I'll ask the writer of Staged to write us something."

And this is what he's written for us, for me.

So I don't think I can get past "chiquitas".

Well, there's a "honey" later,

and then "bitches",

and then "baby".

OK, nobody calls each other baby.

- Michael says it to Lyra. - Well, he should just learn her name.

Simon just lacks...

...understanding.

- He's your brother! - It's not genetic.

- And he's not the worst! - Oh, God, no.

Uh-uh. I read for a character once

who was described as having happy breasts.

I had a stage direction once that said,

"She covers her startled buttocks."

How did you do that?

Well, I offered to draw some sort of big, wide eyes on them with a Sharpie.

- And did you? - No, I did not. It got cut.

Oh.

Let's carry on reading. It might get better.

Hey, chiquitas!

Great to see you again, gals! It's been weeks.

You know we've never been in the same room?

- What? - That only just occurred to me.

- What, that we've never met? - Weird way of making friends.

You had me at "startled buttocks".

Aw!

I mean, what if we hate each other?

- What, in real life? - Do you think that's likely?

- It could happen. - Yeah, I mean...

I might not like the shape of your head.

Exactly.

It's hard to assess online, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Well, the depth of your head.

The depth of my head?

Yeah, how far it goes back.

Yeah, not just your head, either of our heads.

But I've just never seen it in 3D, that's all.

I... It's a normal-sized head, I think.

I mean, I want to believe you.

Shall we just carry on reading?

Hey, chiquitas.

Great to see you again, gals.

Hi, bitches!

(LAUGHS) Fuck me, it's awful.

Shall I...shall I make some changes?

Can't we just do the original? It was much better then.

- Let me have a look. - Have you got time?

I mean, it can't be that difficult - Simon does it.

DAVID: Hi, baby, can I have this room in about 20 minutes?

- What? No. - I need it.

Why?

- I think I'm going to be shouted at. - Hi, David!

Oh, hi, Lucy. Hi, Anna. All right?

Hi. How are you?

I'm going to be shouted at. Can I have the room?

- Did you book it on the calendar? - What calendar?

The one on the fridge.

- No. - No?

Well, then you can't have the nice room.

- But I need it! - Why?

- I need to look...valuable. - Use the den.

I didn't know there was a calendar on the fridge.

Well, it's new and you missed orientation.

Well, that's really unfair.

- Hello! - Oh, hi!

- Hi! - I said hi.

I said it back to you.

Yes, but you opened with hello, I replied with hi,

so we were balanced at that point, weren't we?

Oh, is that how it works?

Er, yes, but then you just threw another greeting in there.

I suppose I did.

And that, apparently, is bad writing.

Where are you?

Oh, they've given me my own...office.

Cool.

Sort of fairly...luxurious.

Yeah, I do need to talk to you about something quickly.

Yeah, well, look, I've got a taxi arriving in just a couple of minutes.

- Is that enough time? - Yeah, what time is it there?

It's eight o'clock in the morning.

I feel guilty for ringing now.

Where are you going at eight o'clock in the morning?

To a major Hollywood studio.

That's exciting!

It is exciting.

What are they going to talk to you about?

It's a longer story than this.

I haven't been allowed as much access to the new David and Michaels

- as I might have liked. - Oh...

But these people today, this morning, really want to talk to me

and I'm going to really want to talk to them,

so it's about time somebody just blew the fame and fortune bugle.

Oh.

(BOTH MAKE FANFARES)

Mine was more of a trumpet.

Erm...

I just saw Georgia and Anna.

Oh, what, for the charity thing?

- Yeah. - Great.

We read your scene.

And how funny was it?

Erm...

They would like me to rewrite it.

Rewrite it?

Yeah, just tailor it a bit more for them.

Well, for us.

Well, I did tailor it for them, for you.

Mm. Just a little tweak. Do you mind?

What's wrong with it?

- Nothing! - Nothing?

They think you can't write women.

Right.

No, that's too harsh.

I don't mean can't. Don't.

Like, won't.

No, can't.

I was right first time. You can't write women.

- Well, that's decisive. - Can I have a go?

Er...

It would be quite a cool opportunity for me.

Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Of course you can.

I won't change much.

No, look, honestly...

I am riding on your coat-tails.

(PHONE BEEPING)

- Oh. - You are super busy anyway.

I mean... OK, is that the taxi?

- I am busy anyway. - Mm.

This is my taxi.

- All right, bye. - Got to go, bye.

MICHAEL: Won't be a sec!

- All right. - How long have I got?

- Couple of minutes. - Great.

Definitely in this together, yeah?

Yes, as ever!

- What the fuck's that? - What?

- Why are you wearing a shirt? - I just put it on.

As long as I have known you, I've never seen you wearing a shirt.

I have historically worn a shirt.

Why are you wearing a shirt?

Just because you fused with a hoodie...

- Are you trying to impress Mary? - No.

- You are, aren't you? - No.

- Are you? - No!

You wanker.

What? What are they?

Just a little design choice.

- Are you set dressing? - A bit of visual furniture.

Jesus, you are shameless.

Just think the frame was a bit empty, I think.

Better.

- Where are you going? - Just getting some books.

- What books? - Just, you know, books from my library.

Is it the fucking Twilight books?

$3 billion worldwide, chum!

Wanker!

Right, no, no.

Don't...don't you bring Harry Potter in.

Do not bring Har...! Right.

Is that Lyra?

Could you be quiet, please? She's sleeping.

You're using your daughter as leverage?

I am being an attentive father.

- How?! - I'm helping her sleep.

- She was asleep already! - (COMPUTER CHIMES)

Hi, there!

- Hey! - Hey, Tom.

Hey! Whoa, Michael, did you make your own suit?

I was just doing an awards thing. I won...

- You won an award? - DAVID: What did you win?

Oh, talking about awards, woofty doofty, David!

What are those behind you?

Oh, these guys? Just, you know...

Oh, my goodness. We have a little Doctor Who.

What else have we got back there? I mean, what can't you do?

It's just a few. You know, most of them are over there.

Sorry, could...? Sorry. Sorry, guys.

Could you just keep it down a little bit?

The baby's sleeping.

Michael, that is so precious.

Yeah.

Is she actually in there?

Yes.

Could you please keep it quiet? She's sleeping.

Could we see her? Could we see her, then?

- Could we see her? - I don't want to wake her up.

I don't want to disturb her.

I'll be so quiet, Michael.

Do you...do you have children, Tom?

- No, I'm infertile. - Right. Right.

So I got Mary for both you guys, if you want.

Yeah. Tom, before you put her on,

this story about Mary and the Golden Globe, that's...

I mean, that's just stupid, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

That there was a client with a Golden Globe and there was a...

Yeah, that was never proven, right?

That was a story. There's so many rumours going around Hollywood.

You know, like, if someone by mistake got hurt with it

and then someone else had to bury the Golden Globe

and clear the blood off... Don't worry about it.

There's, literally, there's no way...

I don't even know why we're talking about this. There's no way to prove anything.

OK, and what's her mood like today?

- Oh, she's great! - Good great or bad great?

No, she's as per. As per.

Is as per, like, positive or negative?

Michael, did you hear him?!

(POSH VOICE) "Is as per, like, positive or negative?"

- I do not... I... - Of course, it's as per!

- David! - OK.

He's ridiculous.

Oh! Oh, she's Mary, David!

Yeah.

Oh, man, I needed that.

I was hoping you'd slam dunk a laugh in my face, and you did today.

Oh, Michael, you should try learning jokes!

- I think it would help you! - Tom...

It would get rid of, like, the visual stuff.

Tom, does Mary like children? Is she a big children fan?

I'm sorry, Michael, you're making literally no sense.

If I held the baby here...

Are you Lion King -ing her? Are you cradling?

Tell me what the position of the baby is.

I could... I could dandle her.

Do you know dandling?

Yeah, it's a "Michael Jackson over the thing" thing -

you don't want to do that.

I can also get my baby, if you think it'll help.

How old is your baby, David? Tell me everything!

The same. She's... She's also one.

Oh, my, that is so...!

But born... But born a few weeks after mine.

A year old! What are they like at a year? Tell me everything.

Oh, you know, sort of...

Just beginning to discover so much.

Oh, I bet that such a responsibility for you,

to have to take care of everything.

- You have to... - David's got so many of them, though,

they mean much less to him than my one means to me.

- Well... - It's spread out over his.

I guess that's right, like, if you have one award for something

or if you have, like, 15 awards, which one matters more?

I guess David has 15 awards, something like that,

so I guess it'd be David for this one, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to head out, OK? And enjoy whatever Bar Mitzvah

you're going to after this, Michael. That's why I assume you're wearing that.

- Thank you. Bye. - Talk soon.

Here comes Mary!

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

MARY: I've had thorns in my side before.

But you know what you are?

What?

- MARY: A tree up my ass. - (COMPUTER CHIMES)

Two trees, one ass.

How's the baby, David?

Me?

- No, you. - Michael.

Michael. I thought you were David.

Nope.

- How's the baby? - Um...

She's... She's asleep.

Then why is she on the call?

Blackmail?

I'm being attentive.

Do you have any children, Mary?

I have clients.

Simon and Nick are out.

- Yeah. - We heard, yeah.

Which one of you wants to tell me what happened?

Uh...

What did they say happened?

- They said you were dickheads. - Did they?

- They said that?! - I'm summarising.

- From what? - A quote.

- Right. - So what did you do?

Guys, you did something.

What did you do?

- It was David's idea. - Seriously?

What did you do?

Look, Simon and Nick reached out to us.

- Through David. - To both of us.

- You know, mainly David. - Can I tell the story?

- Are you sweating? - Yeah, you do look a bit shiny, David.

- Am I shiny?

- Are you sick? - No.

- Are you sure? - I just didn't sleep well last night.

Yeah, I told him he should have a nap.

Just keep going, OK?

Well, Simon and Nick reached out to both of us

and they actually asked if we would jump on a call

so that they could ask us some questions.

And then David suggested...

No, I didn't... No, it wasn't a suggestion,

it was...it was a joke.

- Oh, it wasn't a joke. - It was a joke.

No, it was a plot.

No, it was a joke that Michael took too seriously.

No, it was a plot to sabotage them!

Sabotage them?

- Yes. - Why?

So that they would read the roles...

...bad

and then, er, we could, erm...

- You could what? - You know,

give them some bad ideas and...

...give them some bad notes and...

Like?

Be more theatrical or, erm...

I mean, Michael actually gave Simon a mispronunciation of a Welsh phrase.

Shut up!

Listen, Mary, can I moot an idea?

What the fuck is a moot?

Might it be that actually we have done the production,

and indeed you, a bit of a favour here?

Explain how.

Well, look, Michael and I are still available.

Yeah? Simon and Nick...

...if we're all honest about it, were never really right for this,

were they? It's a tired old bit of shtick that they do.

It's all a bit...

"Ooh-aah, ahh. Boy, all right." You know, it's...it's...

It's niche.

Um, and now they've stepped away, we can step back in.

We're the originators and your clients.

Simon and Nick are also my clients.

(WHISPERS) Fuck.

OK, are they? Right.

- And they are exceptional actors. - No, no. Sure, sure.

It's just that Michael said that...

Yeah, but, you know, their value far exceeds yours on every level.

Sor... Mar... Is that both of us, though?

- Yeah. - I am talented!

But they're box-office gold.

Well, Harry Potter made nearly 10 billion.

- You were in one film! - That is not helpful!

And only one scene!

And...and also a flashback!

I was actually, actually in four of the Twilight films.

- I'm Doctor Who! - Not any more, baby!

Well, I've still got the People's Choice Award!

And this turns sideways, I turn it like that,

and ram it up your tight Welsh rectum!

And that is exactly where that award should go,

right up there, with the rest of my excrement!

- So I got there fine. - Yeah, in the taxi.

In the taxi cab.

Major Hollywood studio.

Hm-hm. Yeah. Also, although, smaller than you would imagine.

- Smaller? - Yeah. Yeah.

It was sort of more like a sort of office...

Like a sort of office...

Building?

It was a building. It was...

It was sort of more like a bungalow, and the studio was sort of there.

- Mm. - In name, but they shared it

with a laundry and a funeral director.

- That's thrifty. - It is thrifty.

But good to be in demand.

But I don't think anything's going to come from it immediately,

so I think you just stand down. I'm going to give it another go...

I'm going to have another go at the Anna, you, Georgia, the charity scene.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah, look, so I've thought about it.

I know what you mean about the women thing and I've got some funnier ideas,

so you don't worry about it, I'm going to sort of power on in tonight.

I actually... I've already done it.

- OK. Well, good. - And I've sent it to the girls.

What do they think?

Er, well, we're reading it tomorrow morning.

Oh, great, well done.

- It will be cool to hear it out loud. - Yes.

It's so good to hear...

...that stuff out loud.

Hey, talk to me, what's up?

MARY: America doesn't like you.

So let me be clear.

You may be hot shit in London,

but you don't mean shit here.

They're giving you your coats.

You're done, fellas.

You're done.

And on a personal note,

you managed to embarrass me.

- How? - Simon and Nick,

they talk to people.

Well, we can... We can fix that.

- We can talk to people. - Yeah.

Who could you talk to?

Um...

The werewolves...in Twilight? (LAUGHS)

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Harry Potter?

Your sleeping baby?

You can't talk to anybody.

- Sorry, Mary. - Sorry, Mary.

So here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to offer you both up to read again

with whoever they want to see next

and you're going to do it politely,

and you're going to do it competently

and you're going to fucking do it for free.

- Of cou... Absolutely, makes sense. - Yeah. Yeah.

I can mend some relationships,

but you motherfuckers show people that you can play well with others.

Do you understand me?

Yeah, got it.

And is there absolutely no chance that we can play ourselves in this?

Do you want me to repeat it?

America...

...doesn't want you. Do you want to hear it over and over?

Can I tape it for you?

- Good. - I think... I feel like I've got it now.

Do you have any other questions?

Could you help me get to New York?

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

DAVID: I was in more scenes.

- What, in Harry Potter? - Originally, yeah.

- They cut them? - Well, they rewrote them.

- Without you. - Without my character, yeah.

- So they were cut. - They were changed.

- We're valuable. - Hugely!

- We are. - (SIGHS)

What are we going to do now?

Play nicely.

(SIGHS)

You ever had a scene cut?

- Once. - Oh, yeah? What in?

In GoldenEye.

GoldenEye?! What were you going to do in GoldenEye?!

You know the scene when he says, "Bond, James Bond"?

Of course.

Well, it was Pierce Brosnan's first time,

so they wanted the character to say that twice.

Right. What did you have to do?

I had to say, "Say again?"

- And...? - He said it again.

Right.

Bond, James Bond.

Say again?

Bond, James Bond!

And scene.

- They cut that?! - They did.

Wankers. No credit, nothing?

Nothing.

And I can't play Bond now!

- Really? - Yeah, that's the rule.

That's why they couldn't offer it to me last time.

- Was that why? - Mm-hm.

Right.

Yes. I was rumoured to be in the running to play James Bond once.

You were rumoured?

"Ex Doctor Who could be stepping out of the TARDIS

"and into a dinner jacket," that kind of stuff.

Yeah, no, there was... They did that thing where they Photoshop my head...

With your head put on like a pools winner.

Well, yeah, I mean, it wasn't the greatest Photoshop ever,

but the principle was there.

Have you never been in the running for Doctor Who?

- Yeah, I came close. - Did you?!

Mm. I was offered it.

No! What happened?!

I don't know. They just suddenly changed their mind.

Said they'd decided to go in a different direction.

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