Original subtitles

DAVID: Michael.

Michael... I've got a plan.

- For what? - Getting back on the show.

I thought you'd welcomed chaos into your life.

I know. We had, but...

...we have an opportunity.

What?

Reading with the other actors today, it's an opportunity.

Sure.

So, have you ever...

...taken part in an act of sabotage?

No.

- Never? - Never.

What, you don't approve of sabotage or...?

My father...was...

...a saboteur.

- Of what? - Of confidence.

- How? - Playing catch.

- Can you catch? - Sometimes.

- So really you were playing throw? - I... Maybe.

No, sure. So how did your father sabotage your confidence using throw?

OK, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

So, we would have a few back-and-forths.

Um... And then...

...he would go to throw the ball really far...

...but at the last minute he'd hide it behind his back,

but my eyes would follow the trajectory of the ball and I wouldn't notice

that he'd hidden it behind his back, and I would go running off, running...

(PANTS) ...and I would look for it and look for it and look for it

and...um, for ages...

...and then, you know,

I wouldn't find it.

Yeah, it's sad, isn't it?

Years later, he told me what he'd been doing.

- How did you feel? - Betrayed.

You know that's what people do with dogs?

- What? - Throwy-hidey-ball thing.

I don't think so.

- Yeah, we do it with Myrtle. - Myrtle's a dog.

Yeah. Drives her nuts. We do it all the time.

And... And she falls for it?

Well, I mean...

She works it out a bit quicker than you did, but...

How quick?

Is the truth

perhaps you're a maybe a little bit more simple

than we've always thought?

- What are we sabotaging? - The other actors.

- No. - Yeah, it's easy.

No, cos we're reading with them. So we employ underhand tactics...

I'm not convinced.

If I throw a stick for you, will you chase it?

Woof!

Good boy.

Grrrrr...

Grr!

(SIGHS)

(ATTEMPTS SCOTTISH ACCENT) The Welsh must have a good phrase

for the end of the world.

Why do you have to say that?

Dylan Thomas must have written about it.

I mean... Poem.

Well, yeah. He wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night."

There you go.

I did a little bit for the BBC.

Oh, did you?

Mm. "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Who wrote that?

Er, Dylan Thomas?

It was Dylan. Yeah. I thought it was Kipling for some reason.

- (LAUGHS) - What...?

You know loads about poetry, do you?

I know the fucking classics.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Any thoughts at the moment?

No, it sounds good. Erm, I suppose I wonder

if there's a version where you just go much more theatrical.

- Theatrical? - Cos Michael really leaned into it.

- Really? - Really, yeah.

- Really? - Didn't you, Michael?

Er, really.

Yeah. Cos I think the arc of the show -

we get to humility down the line.

So if in the early stages you just hammer

those theatrical stereotypes,

I think it gives you somewhere to go, to subvert it. You know what I mean?

Right, and that...? You found that worked?

That's... Yeah. That's how we made it work, yeah, really.

SIMON: Really?

- Didn't we, Michael? - All right, so...bigger.

So...

On the stage, kind of...

Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!

(LAUGHS)

Don't laugh. This is... I'm doing a...

- This is stage acting. - I know you are.

But you... That's not something you've ever done.

I did a bit of theatre as a student.

Honestly, it works. It really works. I would blast it.

Rage!

Rage against the dying of the light!

- See, that's brilliant. - MICHAEL: Fantastic.

Do you know what it was in the original Welsh?

Hang on. Sorry.

Do you know what it was in the original Welsh?

I got it, I got it, I got it. How do you mean?

Before it was translated.

- Translated? - What did he originally write?

He wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night."

- In English? - Yes.

- That's disappointing. - Can I just say how grateful we are?

It's a pleasure.

Just to, you know, have this kind of access to you is... It's a treat.

Listen, we just want the best for it.

Well, you know. We're reading it for the producers tomorrow.

- Are you? Right. - Yeah. And we were...

...a little nervous to, er, to ask, you know, cos this is all a bit

sort of new,

but it's just brilliant to have your insight.

We're just happy to help.

I know that we're, you know, supposedly better known than you.

Don't say that.

Well, I mean, you know. Let's not argue the toss.

But I'm just saying, this is your show...

- Yeah. - ...either way.

It is. Yeah. I don't think it's...

Listen. It's...

Yeah.

Nick said that you might mislead us as well.

Why don't we just fucking crack on?

I'm just saying. I thought they'd find that funny.

Yeah, I did.

I've got a massage in 40 minutes, so it would be great if we could crack on.

- Sure. - Cachoo wich.

Cachoo... Cachoo...

(THROATY) ...hw...hw...hw...

Spit everywhere.

Cachoo wich. Am I saying that right? There's no vowels in this.

Cachoo wich.

Michael... Is that...?

Um, sorry, say...say it again.

Cachoo h-wichhh.

Spot on.

Oh! (COUGHS) I didn't know...

- Really? - Absolutely.

- Cachoo h-wich. - Cos I thought it was cachu hwch.

No, it's cachoo h-wich. It is cachoo h-wich.

Cachoo h-wich.

I was told cachu hwch.

Cachoo h-wich.

- "Cach-ee." - H-wich!

"Cach-ee hooch."

- Cachoo. - Cachoo h-wich.

- H-wich. - Maybe it's a regional thing.

- Maybe it's a regional thing. - Might be a regional thing, yeah.

Hey, is Michael supposed to be Welsh?

- I-I am. - He is Welsh.

Oh. So, does that mean I have to do a Welsh accent?

- Can you do a Welsh accent? - Yeah, I can do pretty much any accent.

What part of Wales are you from, Michael?

The south of Wales. Port Talbot.

Yeah, Port Talbot. What, Baglan end or Taibach?

Er, Baglan end.

Baglan. Baglan. Baglan.

(ATTEMPTS WELSH ACCENT) Do not go gentle into that good night.

I think that's better. Michael?

- Spot on. - Yes!

I knew it. When you said Baglan, I was like...

Don't do this again, man.

- Why are you talking to me like that? - Fuck you. Like what?

Like I'm a fucking irritant.

- You're not an irritant. - Thank you.

- You're a black hole. - Oh, fuck you, man!

You just eat... You eat time, you know.

Oh, this fucking tired old shit.

He refuses to do any kind of preparation.

Why are you being like this?

You don't know the poem. You don't know the Welsh.

You didn't even know that Michael was fucking one of the Welsh.

I do now.

Had you even read this before you came on the call?

I had read bits of it.

- Is that a Star Trek mug? - Yeah.

- Nice. - Fucking hell.

Scotty does this every fucking time. Don't you, Scotty?

Oh.

So we don't have a chance to switch it round and try it the other way on the day.

The other way?

(ATTEMPTS WELSH ACCENT) I want to try Michael.

They want us to do it this way, mate.

They were happy for us to do it both ways.

They want me to play Michael because Michael and I have the same face.

(ATTEMPTS WELSH ACCENT) I want them to hear me read Michael.

- You don't want to read David? - So you've switched roles before?

Yes. All the time.

And... Sorry, you don't want to read David?

- Can I speak candidly? - Yeah.

We feel that David is just a little tepid.

Tepid?

- I mean, sluggish. - Sluggish?

Yeah, well, you know, cos he just sort of floats about,

you know? And he's sort of...

...inert is the word I was looking for.

- Inert. Yeah. - Inert?

Yeah. Michael is surprising. You know?

Michael's fascinating.

So what roles have you both read for before?

All of them.

All of them?

Yeah, the zombie one, Boxtrolls...

- Michael... - (DOG BARKS)

- May I ask you a question? - Yes.

Don't let him distract you, Michael.

- (BARKING CONTINUES) - Tell me the story about the birds.

- What? - In episode one,

you are really preoccupied because of birds,

and it's gorgeous.

What you're doing is so subtle, but it's lovely.

- Yeah, but there weren't any birds. - There were no fucking birds.

No. I don't mean in the... I mean, in the character's head. Let's talk about that.

I just want to know where that fear came from, cos it was real.

Hm. Um, OK, well... Well, yeah, they were... They were working in teams.

Right. And you... And you fought back.

I did fight. Yes.

- You're a fighter. - Yes.

I can play a fuckin' fighter.

You're like a paragon of human physical fitness.

Yeah, well, I was going to be a footballer, you know?

That doesn't surprise me one bit.

But he very much is not a footballer.

He is a coward with a Hitchcock fetish, is what he is.

"I see you, you little feathered shit!"

(LAUGHS)

Don't laugh at that. Is that the only line you read?

No, I read all of Michael's lines.

(WELSH ACCENT) "I see you, you little feathered shit!"

- "I see you, you little feathered shit!" - Ooh.

- "I see you!" - "I see you!"

- Please do it! - "You little feathered shit!"

- He's doing it, he's doing it! - "Shit!"

I see you, you little feathered shit!

Oh, my goodness. Why do we even bother?

But Dave...

David is... David is a fighter too.

Against what?

Like, the... You know, the apathy.

I don't like you.

I find you weaselly.

Michael, what was going on in your head when you said that?

Oh! Um...

- I mean, the truth. - Well, how do you mean?

Well, you see, Nick, I don't actually like Simon.

- Me? - No. God, no.

No, not you. It's like looking in the mirror. No. Um, er...Simon the writer.

OK, OK. But why not?

- Er... Have you met him? - No.

- Meet him. - David is a complex character.

Well, no, he's not, really.

- No, he... He is. - He never leaves the house.

- Michael didn't leave the house. - He went to the library.

I wish I could've left the house.

I wish I could leave the house now. I'm not allowed.

- I think Michael would have found a way. - Yes, I did actually go to the library.

No! Only in the fucking show!

David also wears just the same clothes.

Yeah, which is a choice.

- Well, it's a boring choice. - Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, Michael do you have a scar?

Um, a scar?

- I have a scar. - Oh, do you, Nick? Where?

Yes, I have one on my thigh.

- Ooh. - I got it, um...

Let's have a look.

Ooh. Beauty!

Which one did you get that in?

(NICK MUTTERS)

- In what? - I find the best characters have scars.

- You know? - Yeah. I've got one here somewhere.

No. Clumsy fucking idiots have scars.

By definition, you have to be to get a scar.

Michael's not a clumsy fucking idiot, Doctor Who.

Michael is interesting.

Michael is unpredictable.

Yeah. I am unpredictable.

I can be unpredictable.

Oh, you... Go on, then. Do something unpredictable.

Right now?

Yeah.

I rest my case. I'm not playing David.

I'm not playing David.

I could play David.

- We can't. - No, you're right. We can't.

- I don't have time. - Neither do I.

And I do not think the boys would understand.

No. They wouldn't.

If I'm honest, I don't think I want to.

- No? - I did have a nice time last time,

but I don't think I'd want to do it again with someone else.

- I'll let Mary know. - But you can say yes if you want to.

Oh, no, no. I think it should be both of us or neither.

Yeah, we're a team, aren't we?

Mm.

And presumably they're looking for people who already

have their own partners, right?

- Maybe. - As part of the illusion.

- Is Nick Frost married? - Is Simon Pegg married?

I'll let Mary know.

How is the trip to New York looking?

- Ugh, the rules keep changing. - Mm.

And I want us to go to Sweden first, if we can.

Oh, to see family?

Yeah. I mean, they haven't seen Lyra in months,

but it's a risk.

Um, rules change again and we're stuck there.

Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael doesn't like the cold.

David's like that too!

- (CRASHING) - What was that?

I don't know.

You all right?

DAVID: Yeah. I'm all right.

What are you doing?

DAVID: Do we have any bleach?

- Just wait one second. - Hm.

- Michael! - MICHAEL: Yeah.

Are you behaving?

I'm just oil-painting with Lyra.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Everything all right?

Yup.

I just found him in the bathroom

trying to cut his own hair.

OK.

He said he was trying to do something unpredictable.

- Why? - I don't know.

I mean, you know, he was going to South Africa and then he was going to Italy

and now he's going to Romania.

- Romania? - Yeah. I think

he just feels like everyone else's lives are going back to normal faster than his.

- Sure. - It's just... Erm, it's our routine.

It's how it works. It's, you know, intense proximity followed by distance.

It's a... You know, it's great.

It's just that you can't have one without the other.

Hm.

(MICHAEL CHUCKLES)

Wow! That was a good day!

Look, I'll admit, I wasn't keen on the idea at first,

but it worked.

- I thought it was a train wreck. - Well, it was your plan.

Yeah, the plan was good, but the feedback was horrible.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

No, you wouldn't worry about it, cos apparently you're...

...you're the richest character since King Lear.

Come on!

Prospero bows down before your contradictions and complexities!

Oh, stop it!

I get a one-word summary in SparkNotes - inert.

(IMITATES MICHAEL) Oh, no, David, you're not inert.

No, David, you're not inert.

Absolutely useless.

Look, they weren't talking about you. They were talking about the character of you.

The character is based on me!

But there are seismic differences.

Name one seismic difference.

You can't just put me on the spot.

Name one minor difference.

- (PHONE BUZZES) - Oh, thank fuck. (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh...ooh! Mary's office.

OK.

Tom wants to speak to us.

- Who the fuck's Tom? - Mary's assistant.

- Is he? - Right, I'm going to send him a link.

OK?

(TYPES)

- You're taller. - I'm taller?

On the show.

Oh, right, so I'm even... I'm even less impressive in real life?

- What, you wanted something else? - Well, I'd like something, yeah.

Er, look, I'm sorry they came at you like that, all right,

but it worked. You're a... You're a Monkeyvellian genius.

I'm a Monk...Monkeyvellian genius?

- You said Monkeyvellian. - No, I didn't.

Not Machiavellian. You said Monkeyvellian.

You're upset. You're not hearing properly.

So I'm a short...monkey... I'm a monkey pygmy genius.

The plan worked.

- OK? - Do you even have a scar?

- No. - I fucking knew it!

Hi there!

- Ah. - Hey, hey! Tom!

- Michael! - Hi, Tom.

David!

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm fucking great. Thank you so much for asking.

- Nobody ever asks me that... - Sure.

...so thank you.

- And you? And you, David? - Inert and dwarfish.

- Oh, well, it's a good look for you. - Thank you.

- I like that on you. - Thank you.

- And I'm good, too. - I don't have time, Michael,

so I just want to keep you guys in the loop real quick cos we are in a hurry, OK?

Mary wanted you to know that Nick and Simon called

and they were just so grateful for the time that you spent

with them today. They went on and on about it.

- They are so grateful that... - Great.

...two people like you would give that much time.

- Great. - Great.

Great.

- Great. - Great.

But they are stepping away from the project.

Faff. I know.

I know. What a shame. What a shame.

But fuck it, OK? The team is already looking for another pairing.

Another pairing?

So a little mouse tells me.

A li... A little mouse?

Mary. I'm talking about Mary.

Oh, right.

Well, that's exciting, then.

Good stuff. Don't tell... Don't tell Mary I called her a little mouse, OK?

- No, sure, sure, sure. - Whatever you do.

No, no, won't.

OK, great. Well, she wants to set up a meeting with both of you tomorrow. OK?

With... With us?

That's right, with you two.

That... That is great. That is great.

Great. Does tomorrow at this time work?

Abso... Absolutely, absolutely.

I will clear my schedule for this.

David, thank you for clearing your schedule. That's so kind.

And this is to talk about the new pairing?

Give me a second real quick. I just have to send you this invite.

- David, you have the same Gmail account? - Course.

Great. And, Michael, I don't have any contact information.

May I send it to your band's MySpace account?

You have no contact? You're my agent and you have no contact information for me?

It says... It says TBD for some reason.

But I do have your MySpace account for a-a Welsh rock band that you used to be in?

The Dirty Mochyns.

That's right. The Dirty Mochyns. That's right. Right here. And I'll just DM that.

It's bouncing back.

It's just sent me to a different one of your band pages on MySpace, Michael.

How many bands have you been involved in, Michael?

Well, after... So, after The Dirty Mochyns,

it was The Ugly Gussets.

Ugly Gussets.

Can I get these on Spotify? Cos I might just have to...

You can. Er, er, it's... Are You Gussied Enough? is...

Or... Sorry, there's another song called Louis Gusset Junior.

That sounds like a cracker.

Michael, you know what I do have? Is this you? TheRealDavidFrost@aol.com?

- That is not me. - Yeah. He talks just like you.

I can read him one of his emails back.

"Hey, hey, ho, ho. It's me, Michael.

"You know how I roll.

"I would love to do this thing with Duracell. Batteries are my jam."

- Is that you? - That does sound like you, Michael.

That does sound very like you.

I'm sorry, I missed out on a job for Duracell batteries

because you sent it to someone who just has the name David Frost in their AOL?

I'm going to scroll through it. Tenet. Did you get the Tenet audition?

The Tennant audition?

Yeah. No, Tenet. Tenet.

Christopher Nolan did a movie called Tenet.

The Joker? Did you get that? You got a straight offer for Joker.

- Did you get that? - No, I didn't get any of them.

A lot of his stuff goes to Martin Sheen. That's usually who people really want.

OK, all right. So, I'll forward your stuff to Martin Sheen.

- Does that sound good? - Just do that, Tom. Just do that.

OK. Thank you, guys. OK, so I'll send this link to you guys.

Thank you so much.

Michael, always an honour. Thank you so much.

This is about the new pairing.

It's a new pairing. There's an absolute new pairing.

And Mary wants to talk to us about that.

No, no, no, no, no, no. She actually wants to just talk through the session

that you had with Simon and Nick today.

Who knows what that means? OK?

And I am sending you a link now

to your Gmail, David, and your AOL account, Michael.

Er, great. OK, talk soon!

- Bye. - Thanks. Bye.

I wish I could stay for ever!

But I'm gonna head out... I'll head out for now.

- Right. - OK.

She wants to run through the session we had with Simon and Nick today.

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Oh...

That is worrying.

(VIDEO GAME BEEPS)

Hey, I'm sorry we fell out again, man.

And me.

It's just an ugly side of me, you know?

Yeah, me...too.

Yeah!

SIMON: Ah, you fiend! Goddamn it.

Grr!

When did we start playing games to resolve our arguments?

I don't know. What was the alien one?

Do you remember any of the titles?

Not really.

It was an argument, though, right? About billing. I remember that.

Yes. Yes. How childish is that?

If and when we work together again, you go first.

- No! - Yeah, I insist.

NICK: No, absolutely not. I don't want to.

When in doubt, alphabetical order.

Yeah, I know the rule. We all know the rule.

Well, Frost comes before Pegg.

There are exceptions.

And Nick comes before Simon. So...

So, what's your middle name?

- John. - Aha! My middle name is John.

- Is it?! - Yeah.

- Did I know that? - Well, apparently not.

SIMON: Hey!

- But you're first. - No, you're first.

I owe you everything!

You're... You're funnier.

I know.

You're more handsome.

I know.

You're the best.

Yes, I know.

Oh, man. I miss you, bud.

Oh, man. I miss you.

I'm glad we're not doing it.

Yeah, me too.

- Can you imagine that? - What, ending up like them?

I don't even believe they're friends.

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