Original subtitles

- [snoring]

[alarm ringing]

[Janelle Monáe's "Tightrope"]

- ♪ Whoa

♪ I can't complain about it, I gotta keep my balance ♪

♪ And just keep dancin' on it ♪

♪ We gettin' funky on the scene ♪

♪ Yeah, you know about it, like a star on the screen ♪

♪ Watch me tip all on it

♪ Then baby, whether I'm high or low ♪

♪ You got to tip on the tightrope ♪

♪ Oh, baby

♪ You can't get too high - ♪ We can't get too high

- ♪ I said you can't get too low ♪

- ♪ We can't get too low

- ♪ 'Cause you get too high

♪ One, two, three, go!

♪

♪ Yeah, watch me tip all on it ♪

♪ Then baby, whether I'm high or low ♪

♪ Baby, whether you're high or low ♪

♪ Baby, whether you're high or low ♪

♪ You gotta tip on

- Who is that? - [screams]

- What was that noise you just made?

- You're gonna wake up the girls.

- You're the one yelling. - What are you even doing up?

- Well, I thought we had a break-in.

- And what were you gonna do? Give him the funk?

- No, I was gonna hit him in the face and then say,

"Sax to be you."

- That actually would've been dope.

- Oh, look who came to say good morning--my grandbabies.

- Oh, babies, I'm so sorry Papa Rick woke you up.

- It's okay, Dad, you wake us up every morning.

- Did I hear a girl scream? - Kinda.

- No, that thing you heard probably, like,

a grown man or something like that, you know?

Plus, you know you're the only girls in my life.

Remember, nobody can ever...

both: Replace your deceased parental figure.

- How'd you know I was gonna say that?

- I read all your self-help books:

"Living with Loss," "Single Parenting,"

and "Aging Gracefully." Good book.

- And just call her Mom.

Or even Cori would be less weird.

- Okay, well, you know what?

I think the books want me to stick

to the more general terminology kind of thing, all right?

So I'll pick you up after school.

Love you, bye!

- See you. - [smooches]

- Oh, maybe just one more hug?

You know I'm all about that hug life.

- Aww, just in time for the hugs!

- Uncle Gary! - Hug!

I'm gonna get some of that too--whoo!

- All right, thank you, thank you!

What, you just getting home?

- Yeah, boy, the club was thick, boy!

I got nine numbers.

She must've left off the last one by accident,

but I'll find her. - Hope you do.

- Anyway, what'd I miss? - Oh, my God, so much!

I was in there sleeping, and I heard a noise--

- Hey, man, I'm late for work.

We don't have time for that. Gary, you good to drive?

- No, but I'm up for the challenge.

- Nope. - Bye, have a good show!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up ♪

♪

♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up ♪

- We live in five-- where's Kenan?

Four--Darren-sound, I see your boom.

Three--Tami, don't mention your Etsy store.

Two--powder Kenan. One--never mind, no time.

- Good morning, Atlanta!

I don't care who you slept with as long as you...

all: Wake up with Kenan! - Wake up with Kenan!

That's right!

With me, as always, are my PICs:

Tami over there, ready to get her cook on...

- I also don't care who you slept with,

as long as you're married!

- That sucks.

- And as always, Pam on sports.

- Thanks, Kenan.

Last night, the Hawks went into quadruple overtime,

which got me closer to my ultimate NBA dream: a tie.

I mean, come on, Kenan,

do we really need a winner and a loser?

- So true. So true.

Which reminds me, I'd like to start by addressing an issue

that is tearing this country apart--

pitting friend against friend, family against family.

Making not only Thanksgiving uncomfortable,

but almost every meal.

I'm talking, of course, about the issue of

cake versus pie!

[laughter]

- With the help of local Atlanta bakery,

Cake-onia-- I don't get it--

you'll never have to argue with a loved one again.

- That's right, y'all.

Pie on the outside, cake on the inside!

Pie-Caken, y'all.

Mind Blown City, population: your boy.

[laughter]

- What's that funny family Thanksgiving story

you always tell?

- Uh, I'm not sure that's me.

Yeah, I'm not really the family story guy.

- Oh. - It's kind of private.

Why don't we just dig in, y'all?

- What--you never shut up about your family.

You showed a selfie on air of you

with Birdie's first boo-boo in the potty.

- She became a big girl right before my very eyes.

But hey, come on, y'all.

I might spin a little yarn, but not about Thanksgiving.

I mean, that holiday is just a scam

to promote Big Turkey, am I right?

- [gasps] Oh, I remember now.

Your wife somehow stuffed her phone inside the turkey.

- I don't wanna talk about my past!

I mean, I don't wanna talk about my repast,

because repast means food,

and I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna eat it, y'all!

Come on, let's have a little bite.

Mmm!

Now, I could eat that every dang day.

Which reminds me, when we come back,

we'll meet a man who ate only sweets for a year

and lost 40 pounds when they amputated his legs.

- And we're out. Back in one minute.

[bell rings]

Uh-huh, yup. Okay, Hugo.

You're right, I am not a car person.

I will check it again.

Mechanics. They are all crooks.

Well, that one definitely is.

We did an exposé on him.

I can't believe you took your car there.

- Yeah, I thought I could change him.

Anyway, this isn't about my stuff.

How are you, Kenan? - I'm fine, why?

- I mean, you were late again this morning and--

- I know, I'm sorry, I was doing all the girl stuff,

and then my father-in-law-- well, my ex-father-in-law--

My Rick--was just acting a damn fool.

- But on the show too. You're just--

you're a little off. And you snapped at Tami--

not that she isn't super snap-able--

but you just--you haven't been yourself since,

well, you know...

[knocking on door] - Knock, knock, y'all.

- Tami, I told you I'd handle this.

- No, I got it.

Tami, I'm really sorry I lost my temper.

- I don't care about that. I care about our ratings.

Which, I don't know if Mika told you, are tanking.

- Okay, not tanking, slipping.

And Kenan, we're more worried

about you-- - The ratings.

- Woman, what is wrong with you?

- What? He needs to know we're getting dinked on

by "Sleep In With Kiki and the Fudge."

- It's "Dunked On."

And they got a little bump

because Kiki married the Fudge live on air.

- Exactly, they tune in for us, our personal lives,

'cause they're so much better than theirs.

That's morning TV.

- Wow, what Tami is trying, and failing, to say

is we're worried that you haven't

fully processed your grief yet, Kenan.

Come on, I could set you up with my old therapist.

- The one that hit on you?

- Did I stop biting my nails or what?

- Look, you want me to step it up

on the show? Done.

But I'm not talking to no therapist.

I mean, even if I had a free second, which I don't--

I'm like the Michael Jordan of processing grief.

- Was Michael Jordan that good at processing grief?

When his dad died, he quit basketball

and grew a Hitler mustache.

- I mean I'm as good at processing grief

as Michael Jordan is at basketball.

- Oh. - Light bulb!

Talk to the audience about Cori on air.

Kill two birds with one stone.

Not that Cori is a dead bird. She's a dead person.

- I remember, Tami. Thank you.

- [exhales] That was a slam-dink!

- Out. - Okay.

- Look, boss, as your manager,

I gonna agree with everything you say.

But as your brother, Mika is right, man.

It's why you can't talk about Cori or move on at all.

- What? Men don't move on.

They push through.

Now, does Kenan need an extra set of hands

to help with the girls? Sure.

That's why Papa Rick's here.

But emotionally? Look at him.

He's doing great.

- Thank you very much, Rick. You see?

Sometimes we forget, since he's handsome,

he's actually got them years on him,

wisdom that we can learn from.

[cell phone buzzes] - Hello?

I'm a winner? Of course I'm a winner.

Oh, I'm a winner of a cruise?

I don't remember entering a raffle.

Yeah, social security number is--

- No, Rick--

- That walking fedora is proof you haven't moved on, man.

Rick came down when Cori passed and never left.

It's been a year of him just all up in our business, man.

Just throwing our swagger off as a unit,

Trying to get us to watch "Green Book" all the damn time.

- All right, so Rick is a little eccentric.

The girls love him, and he is helping me.

- Helping you stay in denial, bro.

Look, you focused all your time on Aubrey and Birdie, yo,

and they the trillest. They my homies.

- Well, they're children. - They're trilldren.

- Nice one. - Right, but they good now.

So focus on you, man. Take baby steps.

Go hang out with your boys, go on a date,

kick Rick to the curb-- whatever you gotta do

to get your life back to normal so you can be happy again.

- I mean, I hear you. I hear everybody.

Because everybody's got an opinion.

Now can we please talk about anything else?

- Order for Kenan?

- So that's what we gonna do, man?

We're just going to avoid reality?

- I'm not avoiding anything.

- Got your usual right here.

A macchiato for you, and a vanilla blended for Cori.

Tell her I said hi. - No diggity no doubt!

- For Cori?

- Oh, come on, you gotta be kidding me.

- Oh, she looks nice.

- No man. Her eyes are mad weird.

- Hey, these women are people with feelings and--

eyes that are way too close together.

Good Lord, that girl look dizzy.

- Man, nothing but dizzy women on this app, man.

This is why you gotta get me on Raya, bro.

- For the last time, I told you.

I can't get you on Raya, man. You gotta be rich or famous

or something to get on that app.

- And I would've been both of those things if my mixtape

wasn't get caught up in the courts.

- Because you named yourself Lil Caesar.

- It's completely different from the pizza place!

- But then why was your first single

called "Beatsa, Beatsa"? - Oh, no!

Damn it, Toby.

- Did you lose your bet, Papa Rick?

- Yeah, but if Rebecca ends up being schizophrenic

and Randall adopts Kevin's babies,

I'm gonna clean up.

Are you gambling on "This Is Us" plot twists?

- Oh, yeah.

This is the most dangerous game: life.

- Good Lord. Oh, okay.

Come on, y'all, dinner's ready. TV and phones off.

- Dad, I just need to Postmate something

for our bake sale real quick.

- Postmates?

Girl, we do not buy our bake sale treats

and then try to pass them off as our own

like some overworked mom in a rom-com.

Why don't you let your daddy bake you something?

How about a Pie-Caken? I made one

on the show this morning. - Did you make it

or did you just throw a bunch of ingredients in a bowl

and then pull out a premade thing?

- Rick, snitches get stitches.

- They really do. - Come on, man, I made it.

- Oh, well, maybe you did. I don't know.

- Well, let's make a deal.

How about we let you bake something

if we can get Instagram accounts?

- Whoo! - Ay-yo!

- Please, Dad.

Tami's two-year-old just got one,

and he already has a sponsorship deal

with Butt Paste!

- You are not becoming influencers.

And if you wind up half as messed up as Tami's kids,

your mama might spring back to life

and take me to the other side with her!

Sorry, I didn't mean to talk about your mom like that.

- It's true, though, she'd murder you.

- For sure, and honestly,

it was just nice to hear you talk about Mom

like a real person again,

and not a character from one of your grief books.

- Hey, Dad, do you have any funny Mom stories?

- Yeah. I mean, why not?

Did I ever tell you how we met?

- I ever tell you how we met? - You're her dad.

- Wasn't there when she was born.

- Rick, this is my story.

- Oh. - Thank you, buddy.

All right, so, girls,

you know your mom and I used to be on the same sitcom, right?

But did you know that your mom actually played my mom?

both: Mm... - That's just nasty.

- I know, that's what all the fans thought too.

But it's not like we were really related.

And we were only three years apart.

But I got the baby face, you know, and--

- All women over 21 play moms because Hollywood is sexist AF?

- Aubrey! But yes, you are correct.

- Man, when Cori would tuck you in, that got hella confusing.

- Yeah, your mom would always go,

"You know, you ain't never too old for a little tuck."

And then we would stare into each other's eyes way too long.

I do not blame them for canceling us.

Oh, I could show y'all a blooper reel sometime.

- Yeah, totally. - That would be fun.

- Feels good to talk about Mom, huh?

- Told you.

- I don't know what I was so scared of.

- ♪ Wake up, wake up

♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up

- Our next guest today is a doula named Ellen Davis,

here with her new book,

"Get This Thing Out of Me:

Tips and Tricks for Your Best Birth."

- Thanks, Tami.

You know, the number one thing I tell new moms

is to have a birth plan.

But when baby comes, throw it out the window!

- Well, I hope you mean the plan, and not the baby.

No, but seriously, that did happen

with my wife Cori and I.

- [gasps] And we can talk more about that?

Because I'm sure the audience

would love a personal story, Kenan.

- Yeah. Yeah, no, of course.

So, we had a birthing plan for both of our babies,

but when that pain hit, it went straight to hell.

I'm telling you,

my wife was probably the first woman in history

to get an epidural at zero centimeters!

[laughter]

And I would never let her live it down.

She would stub her toe and I'd be like,

" We need an epidural stat!"

Or we'd go to a restaurant, and I'd say,

"She'll have the kale salad, the risotto, and an epidural!"

[laughter]

- I love that!

But all jokes aside,

moms should wait as long as possible for drugs

if they can stand the pain.

- So you calling my wife soft now?

- What? No.

It's just better for the baby.

- Oh, so now she wasn't looking out for our babies?

I'm sorry, but my wife was an amazing woman, okay?

And she gave birth

to two beautiful girls, all right, Ellen?

Thank you, and it's not like she took the easy way out

and got a C-section or nothing like that.

- Oh, to be clear,

C-sections aren't the easy way out.

It's a very serious surgery. - Very serious.

- No, right, right.

No, I was joking. No, Ellen, I was joking.

My wife used to even joke-- she used to say,

"Stay-at-home moms can just

pop them things out at any old time."

But she was so busy, she needed that C-sizzy!

Am I right? Am I?

- Sorry, are you criticizing stay-at-home moms now?

- Oh, God, I hope not.

No--okay, in conclusion,

I just wanna say stay-at-home moms

work harder than working moms.

Nope, they both work equally as hard.

All moms are heroes. So, it goes like this.

It goes: the troops, and then stay-at-home moms

and working moms are tied for second,

and then 9/11 first responders--

didn't mean to mention 9/11. - What is happening to you?

- Oh, come on now, y'all.

Y'all are acting like I called Beyoncé fat!

[audience gasps] - That's it.

- We're gonna take a quick break, folks.

- [sighs]

[grunts]

Yes?

- Well, you sure stepped-- -What you did was wrong.

- I'm a social piranha.

- I told you they were gonna say something,

but how can they not when you came at the Beyhive like that?

- I didn't come at the Bey-- okay, look, fine.

Y'all are the ones that told me to talk about Cori

in the first place so I could "move on."

Well, congrats. - Not me.

- I told him to talk Cori, not talk crazy.

- I told him not to talk at all.

Look, something immeasurably sad happened,

and now everyone's great. End of story.

- That is not how it works.

- I said everyone's great. End of story.

- Bro, you okay, man?

You ain't opened your mouth since we left the station,

except in the grocery store

when you was downing so many cheese samples.

- I like cheese. - You gotta admit, Dad.

That was pretty bad. - Yeah, Dad.

- Listen, y'all are children, okay?

And y'all are only two halves of one functioning adult,

so that means I get to make the rules,

and we're not talking about this anymore.

Besides, we have way more important stuff to focus on,

like making the Pie-Caken for the bake sale.

Rick, you wanna sift the flour?

- Oh, no thanks, but very nice offer.

- Rick, man, why you putting on an apron

if you're not gonna help? - 'Cause this thing's

hilarious. - Oh, my God.

Where is the rest of that woman?

- Dad, everybody at school is talking about you.

Molly said you'd cry like a B

if somebody cut you in half and then took a baby out.

- And that's your teacher that said that?

- Mm-hmm, and some kids who have their own phones

showed us some really bad stuff on Twitter.

- You are not getting a phone, all right?

And we are not talking about this anymore.

It's gonna blow over.

Daddy just made a mistake, all right, it happens.

- Not anymore.

Don't you know there's no such thing as mistakes now?

- Yeah, and you pissed off

the scariest group possible: white women.

No one can hold a grudge,

or a pinot grigio, like a white woman.

- Look, let's stop focusing on my mistake,

and let's focus on this dang cake!

- ♪ Beyoncé fat, Beyoncé fat

What's wrong with this? - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Rick, did you turn the doorbell

into a little remix of my mistake?

- Well, I could never do that

without a little help.

- That's it, bedtime. Now.

- It's so early. - Well, brush your teeth twice,

and then brush your sister's teeth two times,

and then brush your feet. - Come on, Bird.

Dad's worried that if we audit too many adult issues,

we'll flunk our childhood.

- Stop reading my books! A man needs his secrets!

- What?

- Hey, I'm just here as a friend

to see how you're doing, all right?

I know talking about Cori really rattled you.

So how can I help?

- Can you separate eggs? - Yeah.

- Then come on. - Okay.

Hey, y'all.

But while I've got you,

I do need to take off my friend hat for a second

and put on my boss hat. - Oh, I knew it.

- Kenan, you wilded out on air.

- Because y'all keep making me talk about my feelings!

What's so hard to understand? I'm fine.

- You are not fine, man, 'cause you're doing that thing

with your nose where one nostril just flares by itself.

- For real? - Yeah.

- Which one? - The one that's flaring.

- Look, Kenan, whether you wanna deal

with your personal life or not is, unfortunately, up to you.

But you have to deal with the show.

I know your career matters to you.

- You mean my career matters to you.

- Well, yeah, my career's all tangled up

in your damn career-- it's not great.

Whatever, you do you.

Let me know what Chipotle you end up managing

so I can come by for a burrito bowl.

- All right, all right, all right, come on.

What do I need to do? - It's easy.

The network just wants you to say sorry on air.

Well, not sorry.

One of those apologies where you never

actually use the word sorry. You get it,

you've seen countless men apologize before.

- How am I supposed to apologize

without saying sorry?

What, "I regret that you may have possibly felt offended"?

- Kid's a natural.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up ♪

- Hi, um, as always,

I don't care who you slept with,

as long as you...

[audience scoffs]

Wake up with Kenan.

Uh, I'd like to start by addressing

yesterday's misunderstanding, and believe me,

no one was more offended

by that misunderstanding than yours truly.

sometimes, words can end up in an order that's misleading.

And I regret if that word order may have offended--

that--no, this is dumb.

- Oh, he's free-balling it.

100 bucks says he has meltdown again.

- Guys, I--

You know, when Cori passed, I was destroyed.

- Who's Cori? - His wife.

- Oh--I thought it was Carrie. - Shh.

- I thought, you know, I would handle it the way I always do,

which is to not, but that didn't work.

So then I thought I'd talk about her on the show.

And what happened was--

well, whatever that was, happened.

But if I'm being real, it made me feel better.

It made me feel like I can get my life back.

So I wanna thank my family for pushing me...

- This is terrible.

- And y'all, my other family, for listening.

I screwed up, okay?

And I am genuinely sorry.

I really am. So what do you say?

[applause, scattered cheers]

All right.

- We are not there yet, Gary. - Okay.

- Oh--come on. [grunts]

- Well, I'm glad the Internet loves you again, Daddy.

- Thank you. - You know who would've thought

all of this was super funny? Mom.

She would've been all,

"What in the Mel Gibson did you step in this time?"

[laughter]

- She'd be like, "My daddy warned me

"that you were a dumbass.

He begged me not to marry you!"

- [laughs] That's hilarious.

- You like that? - Yeah.

- Oh, I almost forgot. Ding!

What, what is this over-- come on, now.

- What could it be? - [vocalizes fanfare]

Oh, I made you a Pie-Caken! - Pie-Caken!

[cheers]

[laughter]

- Wow, that's amazing.

When'd you have time to make that?

- Today? - Really?

'Cause I was here all day and I didn't see--

- It was probably when you were napping.

Remember when you were napping?

- Dad, it's okay, we saw you take it out of the cabinet.

- What? - I knew it.

- Wow, cracked another case, Dick Tracy.

- You know, I think we're all just glad

you're back at the helm of the "SS Your Life."

- Which one of my books is that from?

- None. I'm writing my own.

- Needs work. - Oh, snap.

- "This Is Us" got nothing on this us.

- I don't know. - I love you guys.

- Aww. - That's kinda sweet.

all: No!

- Papa Rick, that's for our bake sale!

[laughter and applause]

- Action.

- Thanks for tucking me in, Mom,

but I don't need a kiss good night.

- Oh, you're never too old for a kiss from your mom.

Good night, baby. - Good night, Mama.

all: Aww. - So sweet.

- Ew. - Cut!

Guys. - What?

Can we try the good nights a little less sensual?

And the kiss a little less foreplay-y?

- Great, thank you. - Whatever you say, chief.

- This is funny and gross. - [chuckles]

- She looks so pretty. - Yes, she does.

It's nice to see Mom, huh?

- Don't you mean our deceased parental figure?

- No. Mom.

- Good night. - Good night, Mommy.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Shh. - Cut!

- We did it again. - It's my--

it's me doing the finger thing, isn't it?

That's what's throwing it?

- Try it one more time. - Action!

[both moaning]

both: Ew.

- I am amazed they kept us on as long as they did.