Original subtitles

(film reel whirring)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(relaxing music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ What is sadness, boy ♪

♪ But this broken wretch ♪

♪ I'm suspended high above ♪

♪ Don't look down, my love ♪

(car engine roaring) (upbeat music)

(trolley rattling)

- [Immi Voiceover] (sighing) So much guilt.

Okay, relax, it's just a good looking guy

who's maybe checking you out.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

This is only the exact way

that every romantic comedy starts.

My soulmate.

This is it, Immi the vegan,

the first day of the rest of your life

with the man of your...

Ew.

- It's the shoes, isn't it?

- Doesn't help.

(upbeat music)

- [News Reader] Shocking video footage has emerged

of a man in a vegan t-shirt being accosted by a vegan woman

late last night.

Statistics show that presently 72% of vegans are women,

causing the worst vegan man drought

in the history of New Zealand.

♪ What to say to you ♪

♪ It's always sunny where you are from ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ It's lonely, oh ♪

- Ah, what is wrong with guys?

♪ I'll take you away to that summer ♪

(dramatic music)

(Matt whistling)

- Jane Austin.

Why, I do declare.

What are you doing in celestial mechanics?

You don't even a Dewey number. (laughing)

Is someone there?

Matt, more returns, Matt, and before I go,

I thought I ought to let you know

that the job at the front desk has become vacant.

- I've always dreamed of working on the front desk.

I could give book recommendations

and encourage people to read

about the Red Army's desperate battles on the Eastern Front

of World War II.

- The library frowns upon making book recommendations,

especially regarding battles on the Eastern Front.

You know that, Matt.

Still, I think you should seriously consider

applying for the role.

- Yes.

♪ Take you away to where the sun shines ♪

♪ So bright, so bright ♪

♪ You can stare at the stars at night ♪

- "Hey, Immi the Vegan.

"I'm a musician too.

"I play the viola.

"Like you, I prefer to watch music live.

"Don't you think the experience

"is way more genuine that way?

"I'd be interested in meeting up if you are?"

Question mark, smiley face.

"BTW, I also have some meat you'd like to eat."

Aw.

(door creaking)

- Hey. - Hi.

- What you doing?

- Having terrible luck with online dating.

- Great, aw.

- Do you know how many dicks I've seen since I signed up?

128.

128 dicks, Matt.

- That's a lot, but online dating?

Why would you do that?

- I don't know.

To find a nice guy?

Sure, I'm a strong, independent, feminist, eco-friendly,

ultra-creative, vegan warrior, but I'd also like--

- Dicks?

- Well, yeah, but don't have to be so crass about it.

- Yeah, but online dating's so 2015.

Isn't meeting somebody in real life and getting to know them

as a friend first so much better?

Then they can just consensually show you their dick,

not in a pic, in real life, a solicited non-pic dick

that you picked.

- I'm thinking of giving up on it anyway.

- Dick?

- No, Matt, online dating.

- Oh, yeah, of course.

I got you this.

(paper rustling)

They do an open mic once a week.

You should give it a go.

- Nah. - Why not?

Your songs are really powerful.

- I don't know if I could get up front of all those people.

- Oh, you'd be surprised at how few people actually come

to these things, and, hey, I'm performing tonight

at Club Slam, which is end-of-year poetry event.

You should come.

- [Announcer] And now our headlining act,

whose songs are 100% plant-based and cruelty free,

Immi the-- - So you'll be there, right?

- What? - Tonight.

It's only the biggest slam poetry event of the year.

- Yeah, sure, dick pics, dick pics.

♪ I don't want your meat on my plate ♪

♪ Or in my mouth ♪

♪ I just want to meet you ♪

♪ At the park or at my house ♪

♪ Just because you like Netflix ♪

♪ And I like chick flicks ♪

♪ Doesn't mean I want your dick pics ♪

♪ Online dating really sucks ♪

I feel like there was somewhere I'm supposed to be.

♪ Feeling more hopeful ♪

♪ I've had a wee sing ♪

♪ I won't see their thing ♪

♪ When I hear the next ping ♪

(laptop dinging) (upbeat music)

GreenBean, sounds sexy.

GreenBean is sexy.

♪ The world turns longer than it should ♪

- Okay, please welcome to the stage, Matt.

(crowd clapping)

- Hello, everyone.

This poem's called World War II II.

The flame was alive, but only in my mind.

My love for her burned like Dresden in '45.

I launched a pincer movement to encircle her heart,

but my hopes froze like bones on the steps of Stalingrad.

To her, I'm Switzerland, a neutral friend

till the bitter end, except without any money,

and woe is me, I'm not even any good at poetry.

- (clicking) Yeah, at least you got that right.

- Our love rose like Warsaw in '44.

- I think I might rise and leave, because this guy is awful.

- Steady on, this is a safe place,

where we encourage and support our brothers and sisters

of the spoken word.

- Come on, mate, he's terrible.

Does anyone want this man to finish his poem?

A friend?

An acquaintance?

A single person, who's come here to watch him today?

Just one hand.

- Sandwich guy?

Where are you, Immi the Vegan?

(audience clicking) (dramatic music)

- Thanks, Matt.

Now, we do take audience feedback very seriously

here at Club Slamwich,

so hopefully he'll never be coming back.

(solemn music)

♪ Oh, Lord, I've seen ♪

♪ What brings me here ♪

♪ It's a mother to all along the way ♪

- A tavern?

♪ Will age with me ♪ (car door clicking) ♪

Thanks.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi, you must be Immi. - Yes.

- Nice to meet you. (kissing)

My name's GreenBean.

- Nice to meet you, GreenBean. - It's nice to meet you.

- Is this where you come often?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great.

♪ And the boys were waiting, gazing ♪

♪ I don't want your sausage ♪

♪ It'll cause a blockage ♪

♪ Call the toxicologist ♪

♪ I just want you to meet with me ♪

♪ Not for your meat, you see ♪

♪ We'll have a cup of tea ♪

♪ Just 'cause I'm free in the PM's ♪

♪ And most weekends ♪

♪ Doesn't mean you can sign to my DM's ♪

♪ Online dating really sucks ♪

(solemn music)

(phone buzzing)

- Not even any chips.

I thought you said this place had great vegan food.

Oh, yeah, they have heaps of vegetarian options.

- It's not the same. - Isn't it?

- No. - Sorry, excuse me.

Hi.

- Hi, sorry to be a hassle.

Can any of these meals we made vegan?

- I'll go and check with the chef.

(cutlery banging)

- [Chef] Aw, fuck you.

No, fuck you, okay?

Not another fucking vegan.

I have had it with these fucking pie-minded, idealistic,

hipster bullshit people destroying my art.

Absolutely fucking not.

- Not a problem.

We can do that for you.

- I really appreciate it.

- Can I also grab the lamb curry please?

Just hold the vegetables.

- Excellent choice.

The lamb curry's particularly tender this evening.

- Oh.

- I thought you'd at least be vegetarian?

- Sorry?

- Your profile name, GreenBean31?

- Yeah, nah, I just chose that name

'cause I hate vegetables, especially green beans.

- One lamb curry and one special meal.

Don't worry, it'll definitely be gluten-free.

- Vegan?

(relaxing music)

(plate banging)

Of course, a salad. - Thank you.

(dramatic music)

(whimsical music)

Looks healthy.

- [Immi Voiceover] Yeah, it's healthy

'cause it's a fucking salad.

- How would you like your steaks, sir?

Rare, bloody as hell, still moving?

- Ssh. - But, sir,

you ordered the rib eye? - Give me the number 46.

(relaxing music)

(menu rustling)

- Are you sure you don't want some?

I'm pretty sure there's no meat in a sundae. (laughing)

- Number 46, sir, whole fried chicken stuffed with bacon.

(plate smashing)

Sir, you dropped your chicken.

- Hey, is that a Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo poster?

They've got a gig coming up.

- [GreenBean] So you like your Yo Yo Yo Yo?

- I do. - Nice.

- Yeah. - They're good, I like that.

Excuse me.

♪ Man peeing ♪

♪ Men peeing ♪ ♪ It's out of frame ♪

♪ But you know what you aren't seeing ♪

♪ Man being ♪

♪ And having dicks ♪

- Here on a date? - Yeah, I am.

You? - No, no,

I prefer dining alone, eating whatever I want

whenever I want.

Some people are such fussy eaters.

- It's funny.

My date's actually a vegan.

- They are the worst. - I know, right?

- So many rules. - Yeah, no meats.

- No meat, fish, eggs, dairy, leather, wool, honey.

- Yeah, it's crazy. - I mean, sure,

the environmental evidence alone suggests

we should be significantly reducing,

if not completely cutting out our meat,

but who cares about the environment?

Fuck the planet. - Fuck the planet, yeah.

- Fuck it, and you know what they say?

Once you go vegan, you never go un-vegan.

It's like a tattoo.

I'd run if I was you. - Seriously considering it.

But on the other hand, she's hot, and I have some meat

she might like to eat, yeah.

All right, good chat. (laughing)

- Yes, it did look like quite a substantial meal.

- I had a really good time tonight.

- Thanks.

(relaxing music)

- Shall we? - What?

Meat breath.

(solemn music)

(door knocking)

- Hey, I was just out for a walk

and I saw your light was on.

I thought I'd swing by. - It's midnight, Matt.

- Yeah, can I come in?

'Cause it's quite cold.

- You were right about online dating.

I just had the worst date ever.

- Oh, no.

- I just don't know if I can date--

- A meat-eater.

- Yeah, plus he couldn't even get my name right.

He called me Immi, and obviously it's...

- [Both] Immi the Vegan, the whole thing.

- Thank you, I'm glad you came around.

- Would've been nice to have seen you at my poetry event.

- You know what?

I should have a vegan potluck to attract vegan men,

a honey trap.

No.

An agave syrup trap.

(depressing music)

♪ Eating out ♪

♪ Eating out ♪

♪ Eating out as a vegan ♪

♪ Clam chowder, frankfurters, pork, beef bangers ♪

♪ No thanks ♪

♪ Uh-uh, no thanks ♪

♪ But my appetite is big ♪

♪ I'll eat all night if I think ♪

♪ That it's right ♪

♪ Come on, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, ♪

(emotional music)

- Have you ever tried making your own tofu?

- No, I haven't tried making my own tofu.

Vegans.

(door knocking)

- A man. - A vegan man.

- Hi. - This is turning

into a real clam fest.

What's the vegan equivalent of a clam fest?

(plate banging)

Are you sure it's vegan?

It looks a little realistic.

- I brought a list of the ingredients.

- Oh, hang on, I brought my vegan scanner.

(machine beeping)

- [Machine] Safe.

- 'Cause I already had a bite.

- Hey, hey. - Oh my God, it's a vegan man.

- [Machine] He's cool.

- Did you make that?

- Yeah, I've started baking.

It's my first attempt.

Dig in, ladies, don't be shy.

(machine beeping)

- [Machine] Warning, only 99.98% vegan.

- Did that scanner just talk?

- Yes. - You brought something

that's not vegan. - Yes it is, I made it myself.

- What's in it, scanner?

- [Machine] Cochineal.

(woman gasping)

- Cochi-what?

- The red coloring made from beetles.

What vegan doesn't know that?

- Actually, Matt's not vegan.

(woman gasping)

- [Machine] Gasp.

- Well, I'm ve-curious.

It's just beetles. - Oh my God.

- [Machine] You are pure evil.

You have spilled the blood of the innocent beetle.

You must pay.

Vegans and non-vegans cannot co-exist.

The great war is coming.

- That's it. - If you strike me down,

I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

♪ What did a beetle ever do to you ♪

♪ Why do you hate it so much ♪

- [Vegan Woman] Oh, yeah,

I've washed my hands about 10 times.

- [Vegan Woman] I know, can still smell it, beetles.

- Oh, good God, those poor beetles.

- I know.

- I think this would be a great opportunity

for you to practice singing in front of people.

- I'm not at all prepared. - Yes, you are.

I've heard you sing.

- Nah. - If you can't do this

in front of a few close friends,

how are you ever going to become the self-made singer,

songwriter, social media superstar

that we both know you're destined to be.

- Okay, I'll play a couple of songs in the background

but don't make a big deal out of this.

- Quiet, everyone. - Matt.

- It's okay, it's okay.

Will you shut the fuck up please?

Immi the Vegan's about to play some of her songs.

- Ah.

(relaxing music)

- Oh, hey, everyone, is this the vegan potluck?

- Hi, yes it is.

I'm Immi the Vegan.

- Hi, Sean, Sean the Also Vegan.

- You are? - You are?

- Yeah, I am.

- Well, that's great,

but Immi the Vegan was just about to play a song actually,

so maybe you could take a seat.

- I am so, so sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt anything.

- No, it's fine.

I was feeling nervous anyway.

- Maybe I could play with ya?

- I don't think that's a great idea.

- I don't know many songs.

- Just play one of your own.

I'll follow your lead.

- Okay.

(energetic music)

♪ A vegan man, a vegan man ♪

♪ All I want is a vegan man ♪

♪ A vegan man, a vegan man ♪

♪ All I want is a vegan man ♪

♪ He knows I'm not that into meat ♪

♪ His cucumber looks just as sweet ♪

♪ A vegan man, a vegan man ♪

♪ When he's cooking, he turns up the heat ♪

♪ He knows the ingredients that I can eat ♪

♪ A vegan man, a vegan man ♪

♪ Maybe I'll meet him at the falafel shop ♪

♪ No kebabs ♪

♪ Maybe I'll meet him buying tofu ♪

- That clicking.

♪ A stranger to me ♪

♪ Not a friend I'd usually go to ♪

♪ Only a man who's anti-meat ♪

♪ Will sample these delicious treats ♪

- No exceptions.

♪ A vegan man, a vegan man ♪

♪ (indistinct) ♪

♪ Different to the one mentioned in that song ♪

- Sorry, I thought we were doing a...

Never mind.

- You're amazing. - You are.

- No, you are.

- Well, I've always said that you were.

- You might've heard of my band actually.

I'm the lead guitarist for Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo.

- That is so cool.

- All right, listen up, everybody.

I've got an announcement to make.

I've thought long and hard and I've come to a decision.

I'm going full vegan.

(women cheering)

- Oh, Matt.

(upbeat music)

(energetic music)

♪ Old McDonald had a farm ♪

♪ Ee i ee i o ♪

♪ And on that farm, he had a cabbage ♪

♪ Ee i ee i o ♪

♪ With a munch, munch here ♪

♪ And a crunch, crunch there ♪

♪ Coleslaw, sauerkraut, chop suey, (indistinct) ♪

♪ Old McDonald had a farm ♪

♪ Ee i ee i o ♪

What, it's a song.

(relaxing music)

♪ What is sadness, boy ♪

♪ But this broken wretch ♪

♪ I'm suspended high above ♪

♪ Don't look down, my love ♪

♪ We've gone back in time ♪

♪ Don't be confused ♪

♪ We did it on purpose ♪

♪ We can choose what we show you ♪

♪ In episode one, we showed where Matt works ♪

♪ This is the day after that ♪

- Matt. - Hi, Prudence.

Here's my CV.

You can call my referee if you'd like but it'll just be you.

- Thank you, Matt.

The CV was merely a formality but we're all looking forward

to having you move upstairs.

- Can I practice now? - Absolutely not.

- Okay. - Sean.

Matt, this is Sean.

He is going to be replacing you in the basement.

- Lovely to meet you, Matthew.

- Don't I know you from somewhere?

- No, I don't think so.

- Matt will show you what to do.

He is a very experienced shelver.

Matt?

Don't you have some work to be getting on with?

- Oh, yes, sorry, Prudence, yes, sorry, sorry.

- (laughing) Look, I know the front desk position's

been filled already, but just in case,

here's a copy of my CV

and I've left a little something on top for you as well.

- Thank you.

(dramatic music)

(creature clicking)

(door creaking)

- Hey.

♪ Speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy ♪

♪ Speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy ♪

♪ Speedy ♪

- I should have a vegan potluck to attract vegan men.

(upbeat music)

- Excellent choice, sir,

but have you considered "Blood Red Snow"?

A harrowing firsthand account of a sniper

on the Eastern Front of World War II.

- Matt.

- Sorry, Prudence.

I came up here to give you this.

- That was very unnecessary, Matt.

- Well, I just know how much you love muffins.

- Cupcakes, Matt.

I like cupcakes.

- I thought it was the same.

- Sean, how is everything going in the basement?

- Great, thank you,

but can you believe that Matt here accidentally ordered

an entire shelf from ascending to descending,

instead of descending to ascending?

it's made a mockery of the entire Dewey Decimal System.

(both men laughing)

- That was a test for the training.

Well done, Sean.

- Well, anyway, I'd better get back to it.

Lots of things to fix down there, and I almost forgot,

but these are for you.

- Cupcakes.

They're my favorite.

- Fantastic, anyway, I've gotta dash.

- I really thought this would come off.

Hey, hey. - It's a vegan man.

- Actually, Matt's not vegan.

(woman gasping)

- [Machine] Gasp.

♪ Speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy ♪

♪ Speedy, speedy ♪

- All right, listen up, everybody.

I'm going full vegan.

(woman cheering) ♪ It's a good day to get out of bed ♪

♪ It's a good day to put on your socks ♪

♪ And get on your shoes ♪

♪ It's a good time to be alive ♪ ♪ The sun is shining ♪

♪ It's heating up the world and it's warming up you too ♪

♪ You have everything you need right here ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ You have everything you need right there in your fridge ♪

♪ You have apples and carrots, capsicum and coconuts ♪

♪ You have blueberries and broad beans, tofu and broccoli ♪

Are you veganing at me?

Are you veganing at me?

♪ You have those packets of rice ♪

♪ You just heat up in the microwave ♪

Well, who the hell else are you veganing at?

(Matt imitates gun banging)

- Hot dogs, get your hot dog.

Hot dogs here.

What about you, sir?

You look like you could do with a nice, tasty,

meaty hot dog?

We've got all kinds of hot dogs.

We've got chicken hot dogs.

We've got pork hot dogs.

We've got venison hot dogs.

First one's on the house.

Fundraising to save the animals.

(dramatic music)

- Matt?

You know what today is right?

- Eggs.

What?

- It's your one month vegan anniversary.

It's amazing.

I'll throw you a party.

- Oh, you don't need to do that. How about just dinner?

Just you and me, like a date?

- Have it at my house, it'll be great.

We'll have vegan chicken nuggets, vegan fish fingers,

burgers with vegan beef patties.

- Sounds good, excuse me.

(Matt panting)

"When the temptation is strong,

"focus on the thought of tofu."

Tofu, boiled tofu, mashed tofu, fried tofu.

Why isn't this working?

Why isn't this working?

It's not what it looks like.

I'm a vegan.

Hello, my name's Matt, and I'm a meat-eater.

- [Group] Hello, Matt.

- I've been off the animal products for 30 days now,

but to be honest, it's not going that well.

Every day is a struggle.

I find my mind drifting back to...

- It's okay, Matt, carry on.

- I do everything it says in "Managing Your Meat."

I visualize tofu.

I think of the harm that I've caused all the cows and sheep.

When I feel like KFC, I call my sponsor, but it's hard.

(emotional music)

It's really hard.

- Thanks for sharing, take a seat.

- I'm sorry, Matt,

but we have given the job to somebody else.

- What?

- There was just somebody better suited for the position,

someone with customer service experience.

(dramatic music)

- And I know it's against the rules

but I have a really great World War II book to recommend,

really dives into the nitty gritty of the Eastern Front,

but don't tell anyone.

It can be our secret.

(solemn music)

(Matt crying)

(creature clicking)

(mysterious music)

- You're not real.

You're just a manifestation of my insecurities

about vegan expectation

and the crippling anxiety brought about

by being clicked off stage during my poetry performance.

No. (screaming)

♪ Matt, Matty Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt ♪

♪ I worked in the library ♪

♪ It seemed weirdly unrelated ♪

♪ Then I fought the monster ♪

♪ It was living in the basement ♪

♪ Muffins and cupcakes ♪

♪ You can see my frustration ♪

♪ I lost my dream job ♪

♪ I spent the day ♪

I just realized I can't sing.

(eerie music)

(door creaking)

(upbeat music)

- Matt.

- [Group] Happy veganniversary.

(group cheering)

- Okay, all right, yay, okay.

- I thought you weren't going to make it to your own party.

- Here I am, wouldn't miss it for the world, okay.

- Okay, go celebrate.

(emotional music)

(group chattering)

(fruit crunching)

- Sean? - Matthew, guess what?

- What? - Immi the Vegan

is going to be opening for the next Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo gig.

- What? - She's opening for us

and I'm going to help her rehearse.

I've got some great exercises to help warm up her throat.

(Matt laughing)

(group laughing)

♪ It's such a sad meal ♪

♪ Deep in your bowl ♪

♪ A kind of pale grew ♪

♪ Barely nothing at all ♪

♪ Within your bowl ♪

♪ I'll place lentils within your bowl ♪

(group laughing)

♪ It's such a bad taste ♪

♪ Caught in your teeth ♪

♪ Swallow it down ♪

♪ Pretending it's beef ♪

♪ Within your mouth ♪

♪ I'll place lentils within your mouth ♪

♪ And as the taste improves ♪

♪ It tastes less like goo ♪

♪ Every thought is gone ♪

♪ Of the meals you like to eat ♪

♪ And I'll be there for you ♪

♪ There's no more meat around ♪

♪ There's no more meat around ♪

♪ There's no more meat around ♪

(Matt panting)

- [Sean] (indistinct).

Sean, what are you doing?

You're sharing your celery with another woman.

(Sean clicking)

- You're the clicker.

You're the clicker?

- That's right, Matthew.

I am, and if you tell Inni the Vegan about any of this,

I'll make sure you lose your precious shelving job.

- (gasping) You're a bad vegan.

- Well, at least I'm a real vegan, Matthew. (clicking)

(door banging)

(door knocking)

- Matt, are you in there?

What's that smell? - Nothing, just shitting.

(energetic music)

(air freshener spraying)

- Are you okay?

(toilet flushing)

Matt, where are you going?

(emotional music)

Hey, why'd you run away?

Wow, you chose a really cinematic spot.

- I just come here when I'm sad, Immi the Vegan.

I don't think in terms of production value.

- Why are you sad?

- Because you chose Sean over me, that arrogant, slimy fuck.

- Over you, what do you mean?

- I just saw him sharing celery with another woman.

- Sean would never share celery.

That's an awful thing to say.

- He's also the one who's been ironically clicking me

off stage at slam poetry.

- Are you angry because he got the promotion over you?

- Muffins and cupcakes are basically the same thing.

There's pretty much no difference.

- Actually, there is quite a big difference.

Is that a meat kebab?

- Yes, it's a meat kebab.

I've been eating meat.

Meat is yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

it's not a crime.

Ah, what the fuck?

- I just threw this huge party for you.

Now you've ruined everything.

- Yeah, that kebab cost seven bucks.

- I'll pay you back when I'm less angry.

♪ Matt, you ate a meat kebab ♪

♪ Ruining the best friendship I've ever had ♪

♪ I thought we were in this together ♪

♪ Throwing up the vegan sign forever ♪

Maybe we could've had...

♪ Something more ♪

♪ Something, something more ♪

♪ I've been such a stupid fool ♪

♪ She's just not that into me ♪

♪ She didn't even notice my severe head injury ♪

- Ouch, and I just wanted...

♪ Something more ♪

♪ Something, something more ♪

♪ So what, I'm not vegan ♪

♪ You're not vegan ♪

♪ So we see things differently ♪

♪ But we are what we eat ♪

♪ Does this mean it's not meant to be ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm feeling ♪

♪ Can't you just accept me for me ♪

♪ Did you lie about the celery ♪

- Maybe we could have had...

♪ Something more ♪

♪ Something, something more ♪

♪ When you throw your friends a party ♪

♪ And they show up really late ♪

♪ And they see the food you made them ♪

♪ And they chuck up on their plate ♪

♪ 'Cause they don't like your vegan food ♪

♪ No, they don't like your vegan food ♪

♪ They don't know that they're being rude ♪

♪ When they tell you they personally can't stand ♪

♪ What's (indistinct) ♪

♪ But settle for hiding in your cat's litter box ♪

♪ Your vegan food ♪

Hey, Sean, it's me.

Hey, where are you?

I thought that we were going to be rehearsing today.

I'm kind of nervous.

Anyway, please call me.

(upbeat music)

It's Immi the Vegan.

Scanner, should I be worried?

- [Machine] He's vegan, therefore entirely trustworthy.

- That's what I thought.

- [Machine] Danger.

- Oh, no.

♪ Facing your monster ♪

♪ Or your MEA sponsor ♪

♪ It's only hallucination ♪

♪ Unless you give into temptation ♪

♪ Unless you give into temptation ♪

♪ Unless you give into temptation ♪

- Okay, Matt, pull yourself together.

Only eight hours in this dimly lit, poorly ventilated room

with a vicious monster.

Nobody likes their job.

(creature clicking)

Sean, what are you doing down here

and who's on the front desk?

(dramatic music)

It's the monster.

Sean, look out.

(books banging)

There's a monster in the basement

and Sean's been feeding it.

- Yes?

- You knew about this? - Of course.

- I quit.

♪ I still love you ♪

♪ Always love you ♪

♪ Though you don't know how I feel ♪

- Matt. - Immi the Vegan.

- How are you? - I just quit my job.

- How come?

- There was a monster living in the basement.

How's the music going? - I've got that gig tonight,

you know, with Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo, but I just broke my ukulele.

I'm not feeling very confident.

- You'll be great, you always are.

♪ Impossible, impossible, impossible, impossible ♪

♪ For us ♪

- Hey, Matt, it was really nice to see you.

♪ I still love you ♪

♪ Always love you ♪

♪ Though I've got to wonder why ♪

- I had a set back earlier today after I saw someone

who's a real trigger for me.

I binged on jelly beans.

♪ And I've tried to stop, I've tried ♪

♪ Is it really toxic masculinity ♪

♪ Just seems so impossible, impossible, impossible ♪

♪ Impossible that you ♪

♪ That you'd just not be into me ♪

♪ Into me ♪

♪ Be into me, oh ♪

- Sean.

- I'll see you later, okay?

See you later.

- I've been looking all over for you.

I thought we were rehearsing today?

Didn't you get my messages?

- No, my phone was off.

- Oh, who's that?

- That?

No one, no one at all.

Anyway, I am going to go inside to get a drink.

- Celery.

What's this? - It's just a snack.

- There's lipstick on it. - What is this?

The celery inquisition?

- You've been sharing your celery with another woman,

haven't you?

- You're starting to become a real drag, Immi.

You know what?

I don't think we've got room for you on the bill tonight

after all.

Why don't you just go home?

- But I've been practicing for weeks.

- And you didn't even get any good.

(upbeat music)

♪ Celery ♪

♪ Chewing on you works off calories ♪

♪ And can't you see ♪

♪ That (indistinct) an allegory ♪

- Thank you.

- (sighing) Matt.

- What's wrong? - I'm not playing.

- Oh, no, it's okay, I've got you a new ukulele.

See?

- That's really sweet but obviously I already got one.

- I already threw away the receipt.

- Sean doesn't want me to play.

He says I'm no good.

- I'd like to check in my ukulele please.

(energetic music)

♪ My sad, sad song ♪

♪ I'm a fool, I knew it all along ♪

♪ For a moment, I thought that I could ♪

♪ But I didn't even get any good ♪

(Immi crying)

(audience cheering)

- Sorry, everyone,

but the opening act tonight has pulled out.

(audience booing)

Yeah, yeah, very unprofessional, I know,

but I can assure you that they will not be opening

for Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo again.

- [Audience] Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo, Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo, Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo.

- So naturally there's been a slight change of plans,

but I can assure you everything is still--

- No, no, no, no, no, Sean has been misinformed.

The opening act is here and ready to rock.

(audience booing)

- [Audience] Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight,

fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight

fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight,

fight, fight.

- My eye.

What have you done to me? (screaming)

- You can do it, Immi the Vegan.

Visit me in jail.

Visit me.

(microphone squealing)

- Hi, everyone, I'm Immi the Vegan.

(audience booing)

I'm here to play my song.

It's called "Vegan Love Forever".

♪ On Monday, I searched for love ♪

♪ In a shop, down a supermarket aisle ♪

♪ On Tuesday, I was in a rush ♪

♪ Wednesday, I gave up ♪

♪ Thursday, I had tonsillitis ♪

♪ All those stories tell you that true love is there to find ♪

♪ I just wanna happy ending ♪

♪ Vegan love forever ♪

♪ Friday, I met a guy ♪

♪ Who plays guitar ♪

♪ His dancing makes me smile ♪

♪ Saturday, he didn't call ♪

♪ And that's not all ♪

♪ Turns out he has reptile blood ♪

♪ All those stories ♪

- No, don't, don't, don't, don't touch it.

♪ True love is there to find ♪

♪ I just wanna happy fucking ending ♪

♪ With what, who, how, ever ♪

♪ It's Sunday ♪

♪ It's Sunday with you ♪

♪ Oh, it's Sunday ♪

♪ It's Sunday ♪

♪ It's Sunday ♪

♪ I didn't see you before but then you were there ♪

(audience clapping)

- I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet,

but your vegan kids are gonna love it.

(relaxing music)

(door knocking)

- Hi. - Hey.

- Just wanted to check you were out of jail.

- No, my court hearing's on Monday.

I hope Sean regains vision in that eye,

'cause that looked a lot more serious than I'd intended.

- I'm sorry, Matt.

- It's okay. - No, it's not.

I meant to call you and I didn't.

I came on really strong about that vegan stuff.

I was just super excited,

and you were totally right about Sean.

I took you for granted.

You've always been there for me.

Are you okay? - Yup.

- I realize now that veganism hasn't come that easy to you,

but I really appreciate the effort.

- Well, I've ditched dairy though

and I'm still going to my Meat Eaters Anonymous meetings,

so that's got to give me some brownie points, right?

Are brownies vegan?

What are you doing?

- What?

I thought that's where the moment was leading to,

the classic rom-com scenario?

- No, you put me through hell and now you think

because you make one kind of half-assed apology

right towards the end, that that makes everything okay?

I think I need to be alone right now.

(door banging)

(emotional music)

♪ Oh, what's happening here ♪

♪ You were so desperate, but now you're cavalier ♪

♪ These are mixed messages you're sending ♪

♪ It's such an unsatisfying ending ♪

♪ I just have to walk away ♪

♪ I've had a shitter of a day ♪

♪ And I'm not just some actor in your play ♪

♪ That just ain't it ♪

♪ Chief, let's kill that motif ♪

♪ Right now, the storyline is pending ♪

♪ We'll cut to a Marvel-style post credit ending ♪

- Now, we all hoped he was never coming back, but, well,

here he is, Matt.

(audience clapping)

This poem's called Immi the Vegan,

dedicated to Immi the Vegan.

The story so far is of a story just begun.

There was a battle inside me, but now it has been won,

and I wonder what will happen now,

trekking forward into unknown territory.

A truce, a treaty, or perhaps something more,

something more.

(Sean clicking)

(audience clicking)

- What are you all doing?

God, stop clicking.

How's this even a thing?

It doesn't even make sense.

Stop being such dicks and let him finish his poem.

It's about me, after all, the whole story, about me,

even the parts in the library, which I never visited.

I hear there was a monster.

It's probably in the poem.

It's about me.

(relaxing music)

What are you still doing here?

It's over.

Close the app.

We already had a post credit scene, remember?

I looked at the camera, I smiled.

That was the end.

Oh, would you like some more?

I do have some pretty good stories about tofu.

Come on, I'll tell you all about it.

Come on, come on, tofu, come on.