Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(jumpy music)

- [Narrator] And starring the greatest fresh baked pizza,

made to order.

- [Narrator 2] Over 60 new games and rides.

- [Narrator 1] We have it all, at Showbiz Pizza Place.

- [Camera Man] Mr. Happy, sir.

We're getting a little shine off ya.

Do you want us to get you some makeup or something?

We have someone for that.

- No, no makeup.

I know a guy by the name of Chester Foster,

he has a car dealership,

he was doing these commercials and he got that makeup stuff

and he got into it.

He started dressing up like a woman

wearing heels shoes and all.

I hear he's singing down at the "Fruity Bars" now.

Hear he's is pretty good.

No, no makeup for me.

- That's me? - That's you.

All day, every day. - Every day?

- Everyday, is little Muchacho's day at Chi-chis

for only 99 cents.

- 99 cents?

- 99 cents.

You can have anything from the children's menu.

- Anything?

- Anything your appetite desires little Muchacho!

- That's me! - That's you.

Is incredible?

Incredible!

- So come on down to "Happy's Liquor",

and get your best bang for your buck!

- [Camera man] Okay, let's cut, the line is...

"Booze for your buck".

- I know that I should paid more attention

to that reading and writing stuff in school.

Ms. Crawford, she tried so hard to make me get

that reading and writing stuff right,

would have come right in handy today.

Poor Ms. Crawford, bless her soul.

I was a son of a bitch kid.

- [Camera Man] Actually, my mother is a teacher.

- Really? What she teach?

- [Camera Man] She teaches

English literature at the college.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Ain't she a Jew?

- [Camera Man] Well, I mean-

- Shouldn't she be teaching finance or something?

- [Narrator] Robots disguised as mighty vehicles,

you can pretend only you and the friendly Go-bots

can save the earth from the enemy Go-bots.

- You're trapped turbo!

- (indistinct) to the rescue!

- [Narrator] They hide among us as earthly vehicles

but you can change them into robots.

Each sold separately. - Take this!

- Here at Happy's, we have the most booze for ya.

Dang! Nabbit, mosquitoes!

Jeez!

Hey, you can't catch AIDS from these mosquitoes can ya?

Hope they haven't been down that fruity bar with Chester.

- [Narrator] Fiero, North America's first

two passenger, mid-engine production car.

(upbeat music)

Contiac 6000-STE,

Euro style touring sedan,

- You know, I killed four people in the Korea war.

- [Camera Man] Well really?

- Yeah,

I took the company Jeep out for a little spin one day,

I was kind of drunk.

I got lost, and I took the wrong corner

and I ran into a whole Scout patrol of them slant eyes,

getting ready to drop on our platoon,

killed four of them.

Damn! never even got a medal!

Ain’t war hell?

- Hi sweethearts, the waterbed warehouse

is having the biggest sale in the history of their store.

Just listen to this.

- You know, my father is a male prostitute.

- [Camera Man] Okay,

- My Mah used to go up to New Ireland and see him

from time to time and...

But, it's okay,

my mom's husband, the Senator,

he took real good care of me.

- The story was an American and a Russian

arguing about their two countries and the American said,

"Look, in my country

I can walk into the oval office.

I can pound the president's desk and say, Mr. President,

I don't like the way you're running our country".

And a Russian said, "I can do that".

The Americans said "You can"?

He says, "Yes, I can go into the Kremlin,

to the general secretary's office pound his desk and say,

Mr. General secretary, I don't like the way

president Reagan's running his country".

(audience laughing)

- So what you want to do,

you should take 20% of your monthly income,

and you just put it in an IRA.

It's like paying yourself first.

And then you take another 10%,

and you put that into individual stocks.

There's really good ones out there right now

in the computer industry,

just about anything, computers good.

IBM's doing real good right now.

But, just take that 20%,

and you put it away for later and you're gonna thank me

when you're older.

- [Narrator] Time Pilot, Mr Do,

Space Fury, Front Line,

arcade controls, like Turbo, the roller controllers,

and new super action sports,

and soon you'll plug in Adam,

the revolutionary clinical vision family computer module,

with new super games, keyboard and printer.

Coleco Vision, the only system you'll ever need.

- So all y'all come on down to Happy's

where you get the most booze for your buck,

beer, wine, spirits,

all your favorite adult libations.

We're open on Monday through Saturday,

but we're closed on Sunday,

in honor of our Lord and state government.

So y'all come on down to Happy's,

get your favorite adult beverages,

and take it from Happy,

"Good times or bad, you always need a drink".

- [Camera Man] Cut! You got it Mr. Happy!

- I always do better on my fifth drink.

(I'm Not Punk by Crimson Riot playing)

- [Michelle] Hello, this is Michelle from the University's

Student Affair Office, congratulations!

On being the recipient of the Able Manguish scholarship.

- Thank you very much.

- [Michelle] I need to inform you that,

we're having trouble finding you a job on campus.

- Oh, well, I was just looking at available jobs

on the campus, and I saw tons open.

Can I apply for one of those?

- [Michelle] If the positions to which you're referring

are those found on the university website,

then you are not eligible.

Vis-a-vis, the conditions set forth by university bylaws

and the updated codes,

specifically Section Two AA subsection 2.7.T,

the bylaws to which I'm referring is the result

of the Diversity And Inclusion act,

which prescribes certain minimum and maximum percentages

for the composition of the student workforce.

Currently, the bylaws require the workforce

to be no more than 25% cisgender,

physio-normative, heterosexual, Caucasian male.

And since you are identified as such on our records,

you are ineligible for any currently open positions.

Oh! I see an addendum on your notes,

it specifies a work study opportunity.

- Awesome, great.

- [Michelle] I'm going to put you in touch

with a Claude Schmidt,

he's listed as the point of contact regarding

all extra university concerns with the scholarship.

(upbeat music)

(phone ringing)

- [Woman On Phone] Claude Schmidt is currently in a meeting.

Could I take a message for him please?

- [Claire] I don't like black and white, right?

It's so fucking pretentious of modern filmmakers

to make movies in black and white.

- Exactly, If weren't in black and white right now,

you would have noticed this brand new purple top I have on.

- [Claire] And that's a lovely shade of purple on you.

- Thank you, and you wouldn't notice if we are

in black and white.

- Filmmakers anymore,

they use black and white to impress festival film snobs,

so they can hang their movie poster

in their basement man-cave and jerk off to the laurels

while they're drinking scotch.

- Scotch like Don Draper.

- So, you're Landon.

- Yes, sir. - Oh yeah, you sure?

You want a second take on that one?

You want to say if your name's Landon or not? You sure?

Yes? No? Quick, gotta answer!

- I'm Landon. - The world moves fast, buddy!

(sighing)

Now, look, I know you had a full ride,

I know it wasn't a 4.0 or anything like that, but,

take it from me, just don't stress,

C minus we'll get you through a lot in life.

Math tests, health inspections, women at the bar,

not for me though!

I graduated Magna (indistinct) from NYU.

My wife, Magna come loudly.

You, looks,

B, me B plus.

Don't take it personal its just the way we we're born.

We pop out of there,

(whooshing)

Right? When we come out, the doctor spanks us.

If the doctor doesn't spank you, you know what,

you know you're not cute.

I'm not spanking no not cute baby,

that's what the doctor is saying in his head.

Look at that baby, I'm not spanking that ass.

That's disgusting, look at that baby, that's a gross baby.

Sometimes they are like that baby, that's a dime.

Speaking of,

here, got you something, its a dime.

Don't touch that, you don't know where it's been.

(sighing)

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking,

why the hell are you here?

You want a job isn't that right, buddy?

- Yeah, the lady at the college she just...

This is where she sent me. - Okay, okay, okay.

No, that's great,

you need someone like me, a highly educated attorney

to get you some kind of hourly wage job.

No, that's good.

That's a perfect use of my time.

That's what I'm paying to keep the lights on in this place.

Every fucking second I'm here.

That's why I'm here doing this stuff.

Tell people like you, get little jobs, little tiny jobs.

All over town, that's all I do.

That's why I went and paid all this money for school.

I'm kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm kidding.

Don't worry about it. Okay?

I'm kidding.

I'm not kidding.

What do you think I'm kidding? That I'm not kidding?

Tell me, remember that movie?

"Do I look like a clown to you?

Do I look like a clown to you?"

Do, do you remember that movie?

Tell me what it is.

Don't tell me what it is.

Are you a Jewish?

- No, I'm not.

- I know that.

(laughing)

You know why? It's my job to know stuff like that about you.

Everything you pray about, I know about it.

Every time you go to the bathroom, put your hand down...

No, No, No.

Me on the other hand, I'm not Jewish either, well,

ethnically, yes, look at me, okay?

Religiously not.

I tried it, once or twice, but,

the thought of a God that I can not negotiate with,

I don't want to be a part of that bull shit.

No, no, no, I must win every argument and I do!

I win every argument for people like you.

Take it like this, listen, on my wife's birthday, okay?

She wanted to watch this a little movie called,

"The Notebook", you heard of this?

Ryan Gosling? And what's a Gosling?

Is that like a little baby goose.

(mimicking a donkey's voice)

I did voice acting when I was younger, what do you think?

- I think-

(mimicking a donkey's voice)

You could-

(mimicking a donkey's voice)

I think you could get a good job with it.

(mimicking a donkey's voice)

- Thanks.

Anyways, It's got this guy, he wants to fuck this lady.

And I'm like, fuck that, I'm not watching that,

I want to watch the robots fight.

So we put on Transformers Three, She's like,

"No, no, no! It's my birthday!" And I'm like,

"Shut the fuck up we're watching this transformers movie."

Okay? Anyways, halfway through, I get some popcorn out.

Cut a little hole in the bottom,

she sticks her hand on the popcorn,

guess who wins that argument?

Okay, here we go!

That's right.

Mr. Claude Schmidt everybody!

Yep her birthday because we've got a present

dingily din dong me okay?

On a serious note,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

I can't imagine what it's like to go through life

without any family

that anyone to take you to the store

to buy you your first shaving cream,

your first condom, your second condom.

Look, my mom wanted me to have safe sex

but that's none of your business.

(sighing) You know what?

I'll get you some information.

I'm going to write something down for you.

I want you to go to Happy's, downtown the liquor store,

tell em I sent you, talk to the manager,

we're gonna get you a job.

- Yes, sir.

- Go,

go,

I gotta piss! Go!

Love you.

- I'm not gonna lie,

I wish that my husband was just like

a little tempted to beat me, you know like,

like open hand, like not, not enough to

leave a black guy or any of that, but you know.

- I really hope you're kidding.

- Don't cliche' me!

(soft music)

- [Jerry] I figured out why my old man,

(indistinct)

(soft music)

The guy, has a box, just full of porn, what's up?

Just full of porn dude.

Full, like,

I like

(unorganized chattering)

- Oh, sweet!

- Yeah, no like this is,

this is the classic stuff, you know?

- You have the bad tracking,

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yes exactly.

- All the sounds.

I was just dreaming about it back there.

- Oh yeah? - Nice.

- All the old genius movies I used to have,

you ever find porns?

It's like the greatest experience.

- Dude I remember, you know, when we were kids,

we'd go out in the woods

and there'd be porn out in the woods.

- Exactly. - I miss that.

- And then when you were buying the tapes

and stuff like that, and at your house,

you had three things you could actually have to forget,

something that was like

way better than any magazine you get...

You can't go back to analog, what are you going to do?

Start scribbling out pictures like a caveman?

When you're jerking off now?

Phil five knuckle shuffle.

You've hit in that fast forward through it.

Yeah, it's kind of bad,

bad light, bad sound, bad acting,

bush, bush back then was gross.

Yeah. - Handled budget.

- But, things got way worse.

You could always hit the old VHS head cleaner.

Yeah, Amyl nitrate poppers.

Do you ever do them?

Till your head gets all hyped up on there.

- No, no.

- Same for the non erotic speciation too.

- It killed David Carradine.

- Yeah, God bless him.

- [Frank] How you doing kid?

- Not too bad, yourself?

- Well its okay thanks for asking man.

What are you doing here?

- Just trying to look for a job.

- [Frank] Just a job? Just any old job?

- Yeah,

- Okay,

- Something to get me going.

- I feel like,

You know, I can't help it, maybe I'm a little sensitive.

I can't help, but feel like maybe you think that I'm just

it's just a job and I'm just here for no reason.

There's just no particular reason, it's just a job.

- Well, no I mean,

- You don't think that I work hard?

- I didn't say that. No, I mean,

I think you're hard working, man.

- You don't know anything about me?

You just got here.

We just met.

You don't know my name?

- Yeah.

- Maybe I don't work hard.

I'm sitting here with an open glass of scotch.

Do you think it's okay to drink on the job?

- If you're comfortable with it, yeah.

- So you think it's okay to drink on the job?

- Well, no.

- If I hire you, you're going to drink on the job?

- No, no, sir.

- Okay, so you don't think that I should?

- No, I wasn't saying that, man.

- Where are you from?

- I moved here from out West.

- Yeah it ain’t all sunshine and rainbow, kid, okay?

You got here,

you've got to work hard, is blue collar.

You need a job.

You got to work hard, okay?

I'm just, I'm just busting your balls.

It's fine because that's what we do here, okay?

We know your little faggy West culture, you know?

What do you think you will do here?

- I don't know.

I can just picture it being like any other job,

stocking shelves and,

serving customers.

- Serving customers like at a restaurant?

- Oh no, - No?

- Well, I mean, it's...

- You know, if I wasn't here, I'd be at a restaurant

and they'd make me wear a beard net.

Do you know how ridiculous I would look in a beard net?

- Yeah, that would look a little goofy.

- So you think my beard looks goofy.

- Oh no, no.

That's not how I'm trying to say there.

- Do you think maybe a manager, I shouldn't have a beard.

You don't like my beard?

- No I think you have a good beard-

- You wanna put a net on it?

- No.

- You want to cover this stuff?

You don't want me to...

You don't think I should be here.

You don't think I deserve this job?

- I wasn't saying that.

- I'm just breaking your balls kid.

I'm just breaking your balls, okay?

Stop squirming, that's like a West Coast thing.

You guys just sit there and...

Just relax.

Busting balls, you'll be just fine kid.

It's okay.

You can't drink in the job though, but I'm gonna, okay.

Hey Gus, how you doing sir?

No need to rise.

- Landon?

- Yes, sir.

- Landon, I'm Gus,

Hiram.

- Hiram? - Yeah.

- Okay. - If you need anything,

you talk to me and Claude Schmidt.

Nobody else.

You walk him around to the schedule,

you take care of him, okay?

- Okay.

- All right. - You got it, boss.

- Hey, good job Pit.

- I guess you're hired.

Is that okay? Is that good with you kid?

- Yeah, thank you. - Oh, good for you.

Welcome.

(upbeat music)

(both chuckling)

- Hey, big brother?

Hey man?

(sighing)

- Can I stay with you for a while?

- Claire kick you out

- We're fighting.

- Oh, what you fighting about?

- We are remodeling the bathroom,

and she wants to paint it Perry Winkle.

And I want Glacier Mist.

(laughing)

- So you're fighting over the color of a bathroom.

No one fucking cares, man.

Listen here though.

Claire is really fucking hardcore on that bathroom.

I used the hand towel in there, right?

A hand towel that was out and she flips out at me.

It doesn't make any sense.

That towel is decorative

it's monogrammed, and was special order.

They were a bridal shower gift from her aunt Maud.

- Oh, oh man.

This is what you get for marrying the first girl

to touch your Dick. - Oh, you got him there.

- I mean just because a girl plays with your Dick

doesn't mean you have to follow her around

the rest of your life like a housebroken dog.

- You can just plainly thank them

and send them on their way.

- Oh, well you always politely thank them when a woman

touches your dick. - Definitely.

Thank you miss, so I had a wonderful time.

- Thank you, thank you, that was lovely.

The money's on the dresser.

(laughing)

- Yeah, you can stay with us.

Fucking simp.

- Here, here's the key.

(giggling)

- Ridiculous.

- All right, landed on Frank, named after every

great alcoholic before me.

So you've learned the registers,

now you're going to learn my world.

Get your American blends.

Lesson, everybody occasionally likes

to go to a kid rock party, boom, Jack Daniels.

Now, wind up here and scotch up.

All the classics,

Hemingway,

Bulgarian,

all of them have been written right here.

Now go ahead.

Especially a little bit of a Glenfiddich right there.

You know what you do with that?

Chuck a whole bottle of that,

go play around golf and vote Republican.

Move on down.

We're going to your Irish whiskey, yellow spot, green spot.

Two of my all time favorites,

wandering into the Jameson, you have all your casts.

Now, each one tells a different story.

You want to act like a drunken pirate?

Boom, right there.

You want to listen to some flogging Molly, right there.

Go on down the line.

Now you're getting into here,

this is all your malted, whiskeys, everything.

Even your bourbons, your classics,

everything like that comes from Bourbon County.

It's real Bourbon.

Basil Hayden's,

the novels written about double-o-seven.

That's what he drinks.

None of this other crap.

Shaken, not stirred.

Let's go on.

There's a lot to learn.

Now, you wander into here.

Jim B, if you're in college

that's a great little follow-up to a beer.

You're in college?

- Yeah.

- Oh, you'll have a little good times.

That's usually the cheapest one to get

think about it on a Wednesday night.

And then you got this little devil

you ever see a couple of kids find a couple of dogs

in a trailer park?

- No,

- You will on that every single time.

Let's move it on down the line.

So you got your gin.

You ever had gin?

- Not that I recall.

- Tastes like eating a pine tree is kind of nice sometimes.

Now the Juniper berries can't break down.

So that's why you get drunk,

cause you can't, the body cant process it.

So it's constant drunk, but it's a fine drunk,

not a bad one at all.

And then we reach here, the Creme De La Creme,

Crystal Skull vodka,

Dan Ackroyd's

Dan Akroyd wrote the classics on this one.

I'm not talking about Ghosts Busters

which is a fine movie, I'm not talking about strikes.

None of that.

Nothing but trouble.

Demi Moore.

Now you want to go over here.

You know, you can wander in there.

Tito's a nice mixer goes well with everything price point.

Perfect on that.

What you don't want is a...

Jackie's vodka because let's be honest on that.

You might as well just drinking rubbing alcohol

at this point.

Now Cabo Wabo that's always a great time you know,

you wind up with a ménage à trois, gosh,

let's look through here.

You got any questions?

- Don't all alcohol tastes like rubbing alcohol.

- Now that's where you're getting

into the little tricky story there

what you're talking about is actually the tan in that.

And I was just going to give it

a more distinct kind of tasting.

Like when you smell a turpentine.

I had uncle drank turpentine all the time, you know,

- So why are these captains white?

And these ones are...

- Well, it's just the difference on that.

You've got your spiced rum.

It's usually dark on that.

Your white rum is usually or your lighter one.

I'm not really too big on the rums,

they got the wrong guy over here,

now, you start to getting into your cauldrons in your course

now if you're just drinking this straight

usually means, you've spent through all the bottles

and had a bad time on them and you're winding up drinking

strawberries and cream.

You don't want to ever be that guy.

I've not been that guy.

Fortunately I've only worked through

two aisles of here stuff I can't drink.

- I think I've seen this at my grandmas.

(laughing)

- You know, that was that a...

They were the greatest generation.

Greatest levers, greatest everything.

Now over here, you got your nitros,

all your beers over here, all your craft beer.

Fantastic stuff.

Now, if you ever see somebody in a tween jacket

just point them towards like a dark beer.

If they don't want beer,

just assume they're going to have wine.

When I'm at a mall bed for thinking of you're talking

about easiest way to go about it,

we'll cut our way through here,

you got the coolers back here.

I like to sometimes take a little nap in the cooler.

Don't tell the boss, but you know,

those days get out ahead of it.

You ever been hung overed?

- I mean woken up with that eggs, but not for drinking.

- Oh, what kind of life is that? Lets move.

(soft music)

- Landon!

Hey buddy! How's it going? - Hey!

- Not much? What's up with you man.

- Facing some bottles.

- Well that's boring.

- Yeah, what are you doing later?

- Probably hanging out.

- No, you're not.

You're coming to Richie's with us.

- Who's Richie?

- Richie's is a bar owned by a guy named Richie.

Richie's from West Virginia, which he's a fun guy.

Fun accent, - Fun accent.

Very fun accent.

- I don't go to too many bars, you know?

- Well, you know, that's good.

I mean, we could go to this one.

This could be your first and,

lot of girls there.

- A lot of girls there.

- Also I'm not very good at talking to the girls.

- Hey, Hey, Hey, listen, I know girls are scary, okay?

Eventually they take half your stuff

but, here's what you do.

You, you go and you buy them a drink, right?

You go up to them.

You say, "Hey, I think you're cute.

Can I buy you a drink?"

Talk to you a little bit.

And most of the time,

even if they don't like you,

they'll do it for the drink and you know that gets around

and then eventually you'll buy a drink

for a woman and she'll let you do stuff to her.

That's really cool.

It is.

But you know, it's just it's like sales, you know,

you gotta put just really got to put

a lot of cold calls out there.

- Cold call, cold call, cold call,

no, no, no.

But then there's that one yes!

That one yes that's all you need man.

It's...

(kissing)

- It does sound pretty fun.

- Heck yeah, it does, so yeah, come on we're going.

- Lets get outta here, - Lets do that.

(upbeat music)

- I was right about the monogram towels.

I was right about the shower curtain

and matching toilet seat cover and Goddamn it

I am right about the Perry Winkle.

- Perry Winkle is obvious choice.

I mean when you're right, you're right.

- Thank you.

- Glacier Mist?

I mean, I would understand Lavender Dove,

or maybe Sapphire Sunset,

but the obvious choice is Perry Winkle,

it's the only choice.

- The shower curtain will absolutely pop

next to the Perry Winkle.

- The action on the monogram is that same color palette.

The hat I don't wear goes off to you.

You know your shit sister.

- I mean the Glacier Mist is totally gonna fuck it up.

- He is just trying to test me

but, sooner or later he will come to his senses

and realize that I am right.

- You know, if you're tired of waiting for him

to learn how to fetch, just suck his Dick

and be done with it.

- No, she's right.

If you suck a man's Dick, he will do anything

you ask him to.

- I am not sucking that man's cock.

It is not his birthday,

and even if it was, he has not earned that.

- Wow, aren't I embarrassed.

I've sucked a lot of dick in my days

and I don't think any of them have been deserving.

I have however,

munched on a few deserving boxes back in college.

Just kidding, I never went to college.

- So you're here on a scholarship?

- Yeah, it was quite the opportunity.

- That's good, man,

that's that's pretty cool that you're making a...

Yeah that's cool, man.

I'm going to be completely honest with you,

I am dumb as shit, you know,

I mean up till Middle School my parents thought I was...

Slow, slow.

They thought I was slow.

- Well that's cause they like dropped you a bunch, you know?

- Yeah cause they were fucking drunks, okay?

You know?

I mean,

I didn't have the opportunity to make myself

something better.

Like our young squire here, you know?

You know it's good kid, he's a good kid.

- Hey, check out number 10,

Echoes of Narcissus

You ever heard of them?

It's a new band.

I'm the lead singer.

Some say at the likes of Nickelback,

staying, you know, pretty good.

- Hey Richie,

can you cut me off after this man?

- [Richie] I'll never cut someone off that spends

as recklessly as you.

(laughing)

And why?

- Well,

- Golden pipes from me

rhythm guitars point basis has got the beautiful groove.

Drummers got great rhythm.

We just put it all together.

You should check it out.

Really bring the house down for sure.

- Is Jesus hitting on women at the jukebox right there?

- By the way, I can dance.

- I don't think that's Jesus man.

- [Richie] Yeah, that's the lead singer

of the Echoes of Narcissus.

It's a local band

and I put their CD on the jukebox, cause the uncle think

it's charming when I do shit like that.

They're pretty good too.

Narcissus?

That's just...

Like Echoes of Narcissus? - Mythology dude, right?

- Oh yeah, but it doesn't make any sense.

Cause I mean like where the hell are the echoes from?

Like there was the chick that liked loved him,

that he spurned and killed herself that was echo.

But like he drowned by looking at his own reflection.

Cause he was so fucking full of himself.

So shouldn't it be like...

Reflections of Narcissus or something, right?

Like...

- (indistinct) walk in the water.

- Yeah, like and if they're going to go

with like mythological shit,

why don't they go with something like, cool.

Like why don't they go with like prior tests?

You know the God of Boners?

- I don't know I like them. - Oh shit!

Boner Lords,

- Boner Lords! - Fucking Boner Lords!

They should be the Boner Lords.

Oh yeah Boner Lords.

- That's a good one, that's a good one.

- [Richie] You know, they do sound like Creed Nickelback,

And they're a pretty good voice too, you know?

- Sure, sure, they should be the Boner Lords.

(upbeat music)

- I'll take a Cosmo.

- I'm Landon.

(soft music)

Can I buy you a drink?

- Are you serious?

Oh my God, you are serious.

Do I look like I would date someone

who works in a liquor store?

You looked like you're 14.

I feel like I'm going to get arrested just talking to you.

Did mummy forget to pick you up

after little league practice soccer?

Oh God.

Put it on his tab, loser!

- Yeah.

All of these other bands they're just so shallow.

They don't have a message.

They're not deep

We're changing the world.

I'm like, like a Messiah, I swear, like,

the sound that we do our band just raises the vibration.

The frequency changes.

We're changing the world.

None of these bands out here care anymore.

They don't care about the music man.

It's about the music

we're doing that.

We're changing the whole game.

Changing the narrative,

changing world.

That's what the sound is about.

You got to check it out.

Don't pretend,

that goes with us Narcissus

we're really doing it,

its amazing.

(soft music)

- Hey Richie, gimme two scotch please, well.

- Wait, is that my hat?

- I don't see, I think you've got mine...

- This gotta be your hat it ain't got no swag.

- Oh, you're right, it smells like (indistinct)

- This has lice in it.

- Gosh, a hat's a hat who cares?

Thank you.

- Recognize that hat?

- Hey, Happy's, good times or bad,

- [Both] You always need a drink.

- Yeah cool.

So are you employed with Happy's or what?

- Yeah I just got hired recently.

- Oh congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Love those commercials, huh?

- Yeah. - That's a great place.

- Why so down? - Yeah, what's the matter kid?

- Just a situation that happened earlier tonight,

- Oh yeah?

With somebody with a store, employee interaction or what?

- Nothing like that no.

- So what, so what's eating ya?

It's all right,

- Just a girl problem.

- Girl problem.

- We've have been down that road.

- Yeah, a lot of those. - Oh yeah.

So what, what was the altercation? What happened?

- Are you the kid Stephanie diss the fuck out of?

- Are you the one she called the loser?

- Loser.

- What a fucking bitch.

- That was me.

- God, poor kid.

Jesus!

- Well,

one day you're going to get married,

have a beautiful wife, with a big ass, some tits.

- And guess what, got to call you (indistinct)

- Exactly, you can go buy your dog,

he can't talk, but when he shits on the floor,

that's his way of calling you a loser.

(laughing)

The mailman, the racist mailman,

probably would call you a cracker first, but then a loser.

- Yup and at Christmas time,

sitting around with all the family

got the grandparents, aunt and uncles and all that,

guess what? They'll all gotta call you,

- Loser.

When I save your phone number on my phone,

pitch you on the loser.

- Don't worry about a kid, it'll be all right though.

You know one of these days,

there's going to be a really nice girl,

that'll treat you right,

That'd be good, but guess what?

She's going to call you a loser too.

(laughing)

But besides that the word loser can't hurt you,

is how you respond to it.

But the thing is, we're at Happy's.

Good times or bad, you can always have a drink.

- Cheers to that.

- And one day, by a luck at change.

We'll be drinking the good stuff,

- Damn right.

Good times or bad,

- [Both] You always need a drink.

(soft music)

- [Michelle] Hello? This is Michelle,

from the University Student Affairs Office.

I was calling to inform you

that we're going to need you

to vacate your dormitory effective immediately.

- [Landon] What? What are you talking about?

- [Michelle] Earlier today,

I spoke with your roommate, one Tyler Sanderson,

and she informed me that she's immersed

in the transition process and is profoundly uncomfortable

sharing living space with a cis-gendered Caucasian male.

- [Landon] Whoa, whoa, whoa, she?

That's right, Ms. Sanderson informed me

that she is a masculine presenting,

transgender lesbian in the midst of identity transition.

And that being the case, as set forth by University

bylaw 3.2.1 subsection 1.7.B,

any cisgender student who chooses

to pursue their true identity via transitioning,

is entitled to accommodations

unencumbered by cis-gender roommates.

In the event that such accommodations

are not readily available,

the transitioning party will be granted

first rights to the living space

and the roommate shall vacate.

Ms. Sanderson chose to exercise her option

to have her roommate vacated.

Do I get another room?

I'm afraid the remainder of our dormitories

are currently occupied.

It's important that we accommodate

and embrace our LGBTQ students

and their needs are ours to accommodate and support.

There's nothing else to understand.

You can collect your possessions from the Southwest door.

Have a nice day Landon.

(soft music)

- [Lady On Phone] Schmidt law offices.

Hello Landon, Mr. Schmidt needs to see you

in his office immediately.

- [Claire's Friend] Are all red head sluts?

- Well every red head I ever knew was, including my mother.

Well, all except that little red head girl

from Charlie Brown.

- No, we don't know that,

she could have grown up to be a major slut,

give her like five years.

- She was like seven years old.

- Okay give her four years.

- Why are all the girls from Charlie Brown complete bitches.

- Okay, Marcy and peppermint Patty weren't though.

They were like completely nice.

- Yeah, but Lucy was a cunt.

- Major C word.

- Okay, but, bet,

the little redheaded girl would have been the ones

that take Charlie Brown's V card on prom night.

- Nope, not if Lucy comes in and snatches it away from him

at the last second, leaving him flying

ready and naked through the air.

Hopefully he lands on his back.

- The red headed girl will be working

at some pole with her fake ID.

- You know, what she also would have done,

she would have broken up a marriage

and got the science teacher fired.

- [Schmidt] Landon, you look good.

- Thank you.

- You don't look good.

You look like Dana Carvey

the day after the Masses Of The Skies reviews came out.

You think he's looking at that stuff going no,

it was a good idea to name myself Pistachio to Sky C.

Now you'll look like shit, hold on.

Yeah mark this down, Landon actually looks good today.

Guess what?

I heard what happened, you need to call me or Gus

when there's a fucking problem okay?

- I just didn't really...

- Yeah, you just didn't really what?

You got kicked out of your dorm.

That's not good.

Okay? That's not good.

What's not good about it.

You know what's not good about it?

Is that you didn't fucking it called me

and you didn't call Gus,

you didn't call my secretary, okay?

She's asking why I'm not calling her back,

I'm like "I'm at home stop calling me at home".

She's like, "Claude, Claude,

come back I wanna spend the night with you.

And I'm like that was once,

that was once after the holiday party.

We can't keep doing that.

I have children.

Sure my wife doesn't look at me.

If she touches me, I could cum in my pants,

just from touching me.

I barely get any action at home.

I feel like I should just be like a Ken doll

down there sometimes, fucking smooth.

Just nothing.

Just nothing down there.

You could kick me and nothing would happen.

I'm already dead inside.

Hold on, I gotta Mark this down.

Landon's looking really good today.

Do you want some of this?

It's smarties

but if you crush it up, hold on,

Get that on your teeth, woo.

God it's like doing kids cocaine.

(chanting)

Fuck! You didn't call me, why not call me?

Where are you been staying?

You're not in the dorm where you been staying at?

- At my car, - Your car.

Great, my benefactor would lose his fucking mind

if he found out you were staying in your car.

If it wasn't for any reason

other than after a football game,

you met up with a sorority slut,

and you were pounding, pounding pounding,

pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding pounding.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

(clapping)

Meat packing, fudge packing,

(chanting)

pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding.

And you were so fucking...

(sighing)

Oh, you're so out of it afterwards,

you just fell asleep in the back of your car.

Then you wake up and you're like,

"God damn that was good."

You get a cigarette out of somewhere.

Oh yeah, baby, and she was like, "I gotta go home."

And you're like, "Shut up, baby."

That would be so cool of you.

God, you could be cool.

You could be the coolest guy on campus

but you're getting kicked out of your dorm, okay?

You can't be doing that stuff anymore.

I need you to call us when there's a problem.

- I didn't really wanna bother anyone, you know?

- Well, guess what?

We're about to bother someone really, really nice.

You know why? I looked into the problem you had

with your roommate, okay?

So let's see, he's a...

How do we put this?

A "masculine presenting, transgender lesbian", right?

That's what it says.

That's what they put on the paperwork? God, JK Rowling

would love this stuff.

His boyfriend, gay quote on quote on quote on quote

on quote on quote scare quotes.

Boo! You seen Monsters Inc?

Turns out laughter, is more, more powerful, than screams.

Think about that next time you go to work

at a haunted house, okay? Think about that.

Make someone laugh.

They're going to pay you a lot more.

Maybe they'll even give you a gummer.

If it's an old person, they'd take their teeth out.

(slurping)

You like that?

Yeah, you've never had one yet, but you will soon.

Trust me.

I got someone waiting outside for you.

Happy birthday.

(breathing deeply)

This guy's boyfriend is a feminine presenting, transgender

homosexual, do you know what that is?

I looked into this.

I did the math,

just straight woman!

Your roommate, told the school,

all these fricking pronoun things,

to get his girlfriend to move in

and you had to get kicked out.

Do you like that?

Does that make you happy?

It shouldn't, it should make you mad.

You should be like banging.

You should start breaking people's backs.

I want to go to the store

but I can't because I'm a big freaking fat guy.

With poison in his belly.

I didn't see the movie,

(sighing)

but I did do voiceover for...

was that good? How was that for voiceover?

(speaking in muffled voice)

I don't know.

I don't got it.

I need more of the smarties.

God damn it.

(screaming)

You know what? We're going to Sue this guy.

But I got to tell you, is this guy, pre-law your roommate.

As mad as I am at this guy,

this stunt he pulled, is fucking genius dude.

It's fucking genius.

Okay? Do you think that's funny?

I mean, I'm sorry you've been sleeping in your car

like a fucking homeless guy, but Jesus Christ.

This guy's like,

"Oh, actually my roommate is a feminine presenting...

(laughing)

He could work for me!

You can go work at Happy's that guy could work for me.

I want to work for him.

I want to be under him.

You know what I'm talking about?

You ever heard of a PB?

It's not peanut butter, it's a Power Bottom.

Bango, bango, bango, bango, bango

Bango, bango, bango, bango, bango, bango, bango, bango

bango, bango, bango, bango, bango, bango.

You can stop me whenever you like,

bango, bango, bango bango, bango.

I'm just giving you shit.

You gotta stand up for yourself once in a while,

get out of here we're gonna fix this, go!

Gus and I will get this fixed.

Go!

Go!

This guy is looking like a fucking dime.

(soft music)

- [Jerry] Hi, Frank.

- Where'd you come from? The freezer?

- Napping there again?

- A little nap. - Nice.

- Man I'm just blowing through nap time.

- They gave you that jacket for a reason,

- It's so nice,

It's so nice, and then people think I'm a manager.

So that works.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- What are you guys talking about?

- 83 movies,

- Oh, yeah it was quite the year in cinema,

a lot of firsts actually, sleep away camp.

First one with an actual transgender role.

- Really? - Yeah, for main one yeah.

- Well, spoiler alert.

(unorganized chattering)

- The rest of the movie's is actually a little boy.

- Yeah. - He showed a little boy dick

at the end of it, but it's not actually them.

So don't call the cops or anything.

It'll be weird on me.

They actually got a kid down there at the community college.

He had just wear a mask and show his

pathetic little dick off

but spoiler alert, but it's 1983.

So you should have seen it by now.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- God what else came out in 83?

- Return of the Jedi,

- Yeah, Return of the Jedi.

- Some would say it's the best Star Wars,

I'd argue Phantom Menace, but, you know,

(laughing)

- God, what else came out? - Twilight zone.

- Oh yeah.

- Then they broke the wall.

What you can do and what you would call whore,

you're not supposed to leave children in peril.

And do we all remember the helicopter scene?

- Oh man.

But hey, we got two, good Francis Ford Coppola movies

at year two, - What are those?

- Outsiders, - Oh yeah?

Fucking rumble fish.

- Rumble fish was 83? - Official was 83.

- That black and white piece of shit?

That was so fucking pretentious man

to take technology that is readily available, you know

at a point in time and just say

fuck it, let's go black and white, that's who does that?

(soft music)

- So am I in some sort of trouble or something?

- I gotta be honest kid, I don't know.

Gus told me to bring you in here.

Gus is fucking scary.

But you ever seen flash Gordon?

- Yeah.

- Fucking Ming?

Gus looks like Ming.

Gus is fucking scary.

I'm scared of Ming.

I'm scared of Gus.

He says a thing, I do it.

So yeah I'm like, have you seen Flash Gordon?

You've see it?

You look at it.

Mings daughter, she's fucking hot.

Gus is scary, Ming is scary, but Ming's fucking daughter,

She's hot, I don't know if she's Filipino,

I don't know if she's like (indistinct).

It's all jungle Asian.

I don't know what kind I ain't judging and I'm still not,

but I do know Filipinos are fucking hot.

They let you sodomize them on the second date

and it's their fucking idea.

Stay right to your kid.

You know what that means?

- Not really.

- It means it's fucking hot.

I don't know.

Gus will be here soon.

I know.

I dunno.

Hey Gus how are you doing?

- You sleeping in your car?

What'd I tell you?

Need anything, you come to me, or you talk to Claude.

Here's the keys, we got you to new apartment.

There are guys up front, got your information, all right?

(soft music)

New place, new decks good for you kid.

Good for you.

- Now here's all the wine.

You know anything about wine kid?

- No, - Neither do I,

So, Blanc, this must be Blanc Blanco,

These are all lights right here.

A nice ol little bottle that's great.

All right, we'll move our ways down here.

We've got some more of these ones

apparently like to sit that way,

and these ones stands straight up.

Pinot, Noir,

must have a nutty taste to it.

You know, they are always say in that

this was grown and lilacs, and fruit berry.

Hey there's more of these one's stand up,

and those ones laid out.

- Is there a reason they (indistinct)?

- Oh yeah, I don't know.

But yeah, there it is...

Probably, you think you get a box of it.

Why not just get a good box with a bag in there, right.

And you get the most wine on,

but wouldn't that be, you know?

The goal objective if you're going to get drunk?

Its get the most you can possibly get,

- The most you can get for the cheapest price, right?

- Every time I come through here,

it's like it's changed all throughout history.

It gets bigger too.

It keeps moving in on you right?

You feel like it's 1980s and it's communism

surrounding us, Riesling,

I know that that smells like old lady,

smells like old lady perfume in like the bottom of a purse.

- So does that mean you buy it?

- Yeah if your old.

I don't even know the wine cork.

I couldn't even tell you the process

of getting it out of there.

Red blend, white blend, who gives a shit.

Get me drunk, that's what I want to get high on the hall.

I mean, it sounds great but what happens

if you wind up you know, banging some fat grandma,

can't even say that these days,

but watch my language, see if this is bringing out

some sort of monster, some sort of animal.

I don't understand.

This is when I get defeated from over there

I'll start to invade over here.

But fortunately I'm still in that aisle

of all the stuff and I'm working my way back

and being able to drink or not drink.

Haven't quite made it over here,

this one has got a blue cap to it.

I don't understand, why are some of them laid down

and the others stand up?

Zinfandel?

What the fuck is Zinfandel?

They're just making up names at this point, right?

- Just throwing letters around.

- Seriously, you go into a steak house,

you had a choice to...

Oh, do you like the white wine or would you like the red?

Apparently you can only have fish or chicken with the white.

And if you had a steak, you had to get red or got a beer.

And that's the way society is now.

It's too much.

You can keep up with this.

If I saw this, I'm assuming that it was liquor inside.

No, apparently not, it's wine.

It don't know why's taken over.

Yeah, you know what?

You let the French help you out in one or two wars

and this is what happens to your country.

I can't even pronounce half of this.

(indistinct) Now we mixing in Spanish?

Come on, I thought it was all supposed to be French.

- What's up bro?

You doing all right?

- I'm great.

Your dog won't leave the couch.

And I hurt my back sleeping on top of it.

(chuckling)

I don't think your dog likes me.

(upbeat music)

- Well, think about it this way right?

She is a female dog and you're there.

So she's smelling another bitch.

So she's getting a little territorial.

Remember that time I worked on that paper route

to get you that race and set for your birthday.

- You remember that time I let you

stay at my house for free?

Yeah, we can do that game.

- Hey,

♪ He ain't heavy ♪

♪ He's your brother ♪

- I like the holidays.

- Oh, why don't you just say fuck it

to the glacier piss or whatever

and go back to your wife with the little towels

with the letters on them or whatever, man.

- I know that no woman has ever been willing to spend

enough time with you for you to know this, but,

they control everything.

I'm taking a stand.

Also, Charlie is called a monogram.

- I stand against,

pastel.

(laughing)

- You get to a breaking point, Charlie.

- Oh, Charlie he's right, man.

A man can only take so much, right?

Everyone has a breaking point.

Mine is watching my older brother get cooked

over a shade of wallpaper for a bathroom.

(laughing)

- Well, you know, just like those hebes,

he's got his Massada and it's general shade of light blue.

(laughing)

(soft music)

- Landon!

- Landon! Buddy!

So hey, we were thinking,

we're going go to Richie's,

and you need to come with us.

- That didn't really go too well last time, you know?

- Well, why, why not?

- You saw what she did.

- When you want some, you lose some,

but you know you just gotta take that and turn it.

You know, you gotta change.

What does he have to change?

- You need to, you need to not be so rapey.

- Yeah that will really help, just take the rapist factor

dial it back about three notches.

- I'm not...

- Can we change anything about this.

Cause this does not do you any favors.

- [Charlie] Oh God no you're thrown out like Ted.

- That's not what I'm going for.

- You're not going for it, dude you look like a two-part

of SVU and you're like man,

- Hey, hey, we're fucking with ya.

(unorganized chattering)

We're just busting your balls man it's fine.

- You want some of this...

- Yeah, dude, girls are mean,

I mean sometimes, a lot of the time.

Well, most of the time they're just mean okay?

- And you know, they really got this like sort of sense

of like power after we gave them the vote

and it just hasn't gone away for the last

however long that's been.

What is it? 60, 70 years? - I don't know too long,

- Yeah.

But you know you just got to keep making those cold calls,

you know?

Keep making it and making them and making them.

And one of these times you'll land it, all right?

Land it, land it,

Fuck it I don't know.

But come on, lets...

- Come on, let's go.

Come on, - Let's do it.

Let's do it, let's go to Richie's.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yes!

(upbeat music)

- I don't have to deal with his snoring,

his hogging of the bedsheets, and trying to cuddle.

It's great.

I'm sleeping great!

- I still think you should do what we talked about

the last time we hung out,

- Suck his dick! - Suck his dick.

Like, I mean, if we called it a mouth hug

would it be better? Would it not be as disgusting?

- No! - Like a little mouth hug?

- That is no better.

- And with your bright blue eyes,

like if you just looked up at him,

- I know that I'm good at sucking dick.

How do you think I've been with him since grade school?

And he has never put up a complaint ever, but no,

the bathroom he's decided that Glacier Mist is his Masada.

And honestly, I will not stand for it.

- He'll come to a sentence after you suck his dick.

- Yeah.

- How many times do I have to tell you?

I do not want to suck his ugly gingery dick.

What color is yours?

Is it ginger too?

Who said I even have a carpet?

- Whoa, I mean, I got a landing strip.

- I've got a hardwood floor.

- I have an upside down Doritos.

- The place caught on fire and you know,

all the workers were "Oh I got to see it myself".

But they never thought about all the aged liquor in there.

So I ran in, pulled my shirt over my face

started pushing out all the old stuff.

The 18 year old reserves, all that kind of stuff.

I pretty much cleared out the whole place.

I would say the stuff that was burning, and yeah

Happy self told me I got a job for the rest of my life.

- No kidding, did you get injured doing any of that?

It sounds really dangerous.

- Well, I got a little bit of PTSD, you know

that was the 911 for us, liquor drinkers.

Like you never forget kind of moment.

- Never forget.

- No, and you shouldn't because I got a little bit of PTSD

for the fact that I will watch a cooking show.

And as soon as I start them making them crim lay and dumping

in the whiskey and that it starts sparkling off the pan.

And just drives me a little bit insane.

- So you probably can't go to...

- No I can't do any of that kind of stuff.

I can't have fried ice cream.

The second I smell burnt bourbon,

it just brings me back to that day.

Oh, 2005.

Happy's, the liquor store.

- The Great Liquor, Fire.

- The Great Liquor Fire 2005.

- Thank you for your service.

- I'll get a Cosmo.

Hey little Slugger.

Did you finally find your league yet?

You know, there's someone for everyone out there.

Maybe you just haven't found it.

Maybe she's got a hump, a little peach fuzz,

that when you grow nice and old together,

it'll grow into a nice little beard for y'all to enjoy.

Oh, isn't that the dream?

You know, I'm into astrology,

and it teaches people like me to deal with people like you.

And you know, we just get badgered.

You caught me on a bad day and I'm sorry about that.

Well, no, I'm not sorry about it.

You deserve it.

You deserve to be put in your league,

but you'll find it.

(rock music)

- Hey, you should check out number ten.

Echoes of Narcissus, it's a new band.

I'm the lead singer.

Some people say we're like Creed.

Some people say we here to heal transcendental music,

yeah, I know,

but, we're on our way, big things are coming.

You should check it out,

number ten,

number ten on the jukebox number one in your heart,

by the way, do you know what a tantra is?

- Hey, what's up Landon? - How's it going?

- What's up my cute little cracker?

- Hey Richie, two Scott please, well.

So how you doing man? - How you been man?

- Hanging in there, yourself?

- Good, how's that liquor business treating ya? All good?

- Yeah I'm liking it, I'm starting to adjust

and I feel like I'm starting to fit in.

- Good, good to hear,

How's cheffing going?

- Not bad for second jobs, doing good,

- Oh, you guys work two jobs? - Yep.

- I do it to pay for my mother's medical bills.

- You're a good son for that.

- Thank you, I appreciate that.

She's a good mother.

I would do anything for her.

- She gave you life.

- God despite all that, I still gotta pay the bill.

- And you?

- Well I gotta pay for my daughter skating lessons.

She's like a blackness and Kerrigan.

(laughing)

- Yeah isn't that Tonya Hardy that bust her leg?

To keep her from winning? Jeez.

- White people.

- Yeah, but you know what?

One of these days, our luck is gonna change.

We're going to be drinking the good stuff.

- [All] Good times or bad times, you always need a drink.

- Amen to that, - Amen.

(upbeat music)

- Who's the most underrated, serial killer out there.

- Like modern one or?

- Anything, man cause every time you think about

you think about your, your serial killers, right?

Everyone always talks about, you know

John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer.

Who's underrated?

Cause I got one right up here.

No one talks about,

Andrew Cunanan.

The guy who shot Versace dude.

- Oh yeah,

- He Went on a rampage killing, like,

I'm talking like every gay dude.

Like powerful game and you know,

like with with a lot of money

because he was a male prostitute and hey, speaking of,

- Oh, hey Frank? - What's up.

- Good,

There's a real kicking it through the shift man.

Nice little nap and back,

walking through this four hour shift guys.

A grown man working part time,

working man. - It's the life.

- What you guys talking about?

- [Both] Serial killers.

- Oh yeah.

- Who else kind of gives you that serial killer vibe?

Just a little bit.

Just a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, (laughing)

It's there, its there.

- California cold killer written all over him.

- I think I'm more (indistinct)

- That camper was off the shark.

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah, all fine old kid.

Gus told me going to bring you in here.

You know, I dunno.

I just do...

You know I'm manager, but it's still what Gus says.

Gus is fucking scary.

He's like Cradles,

from a Lord of (indistinct) you ever playing that game?

- I think it's God Of War.

- It's probably God Of War yeah, yeah,

The other one was that fucking Nick Cage movie.

Right?

It's a good fucking movie, and I probably wouldn't ask it.

If not it shoot up, it's a fucking rip off

ask you a garbage I'm I right?

Nick cage, he's like fucking buys like dinosaur bombs?

He's a fucking weirdo.

He's a great actor, but he's a fucking weirdo.

You ever seen face off?

He's like a bad guy, but then they like switch faces.

Then he's like a good guy, but a bad guy.

I don't fucking know.

He's like wearing a priest costume

coming up on quiet girls...

I don't fucking know, but he's brilliant.

He's great, he's Nick Cage, he's fucking great.

Dinosaur bones, what do I fucking know,

How you doing Gus?

- Good, and keep drinking it's what you're good at.

- Okay.

- Hey Pete why don't you come with me,

there's somebody I want you to meet.

- Hey guys

I thank you for your hospitality, but I'm standing down.

It's Perry Winkle.

Here's your key.

- You fucking caved?

- Not exactly,

(laughing) - You caved!

- I didn't cave.

I thought about it and decided that she's right,

Perry Winkle is the best course of action.

- That's fucking it?

- You've got to know when to admit

when you've been wrong, bro.

See you guys later.

- Well, I guess we got our couch back.

(laughing)

- Okay, so I didn't want to say it while he was here,

but that awful bitch is right.

Perry Winkle just looks way better than Glacier Mist man,

it really does.

- You know honestly

I was hoping he would take it all the way

to like divorce court or something, but you're right.

She nailed it.

I just want to know what she did to convince him

that she was right.

You know what I mean?

- Yeah I wonder what she did do.

- You sucked his dick didn't you?

- She sucked his dick.

- She definitely sucked his dick.

You are the proud owner

of a Perry Winkle bathroom you cock sucker!

(soft music)

- [Gus] Boss, I got Landon here to meet with ya.

- Hey come on in Landon.

Have a seat right there.

Gus, go grab yourself a drink.

- [Gus] Yes boss.

- How's it going for you buddy?

- Not too bad, sir.

- Okay, everything going okay down at the store?

They treating you all right down there?

- Yes, sir.

Frank helped me get used to all the liquors.

Well son I suppose you're kind of wondering

why you're here today.

- Absolutely.

- Well, I want you to know first off

that you are the recipient of this year's

Able Manguish scholarship.

Now it's the first year we'd done it!

And I want you to know it's real special.

Oh, Gus came up with a name for it

from one of those Charles Dickens novels

around this guy named Abel Manguish.

Yeah, I never read the book, but I saw the movie,

saw it twice,

the old ones pretty good but new one,

he did better job too.

So it's very special scholarship.

So,

I knew your grandmother,

back when I was in the service I did on the West coast

for a little while,

I got shipped out before there was really time

for proper courtship.

Yeah.

Got a letter from your mama, and before she died,

Landon I just...

And I need to tell you son,

I am your grand pappy,

(soft music)

Now listen, I got a lot of stuff.

I've been very successful my whole life.

I ever wanted something.

I just reach out and pluck it off,

I'd pluck it off a branch like a fig.

And it just came to me.

I had money,

I got more money.

I got more stuff going on that you can possibly imagine

but I'll tell you what son.

Ain't nothing making me happier today

than to have that news that you're my grandson.

And I'm your grand pappy.

I don't know how to be a grand pappy,

but I sure as hell I'm glad to have you as my grandson.

- You know, I don't know anything about being grandson.

- Well hell boy, we got a whole team of people around

that's going to make us successful at that.

We can get anything we want right Gus?

- Yes, boss.

- Hey Gus, order up a round of drinks

of the good stuff for every body.

(soft music)

- Yeah, Mr Schmidt had me a little scared,

I'm not gonna lie.

He asked my roommate who was pretty long

and if he could hire him.

(laughing)

- Yeah, that clutched me, it's a little bit of a live wire,

boy yeah he and his dad they've had a good team

for me though, hell of a team.

I was at that boys breasts.

Oh my God.

Have you ever been to one of those?

What a hell of a thing to do to a kid?

My God, but they're good people to have on our team.

They're looking out for us, yeah?

We got our own little Island of misfit toys around here.

Yeah and just love me some Rudolph, you know

at Christmas Claymation and Berliners and snowman.

All that stuff.

Yep, well we used to have a guy down here,

come in on Christmas and when given enough whiskey,

he was Irish, you know

and fizzle nose light up just like Rudo.

(laughing)

(soft music)

(upbeat music)

You're going to come back down

and see me again from Maryland?

- Oh yeah, definitely.

- Great, hey you tell me a little bit about your momma?

I want to know everything about my baby girl.

- Absolutely. I'll see you tomorrow, grandpa.

- God I love to be called grandpa.

- [Man] Dude did you hear? Happy died,

- [Man 2] Really?

(soft music)

Man, that's devastating.

- [Man 1] Yeah tell me about it.

(soft music)

- [News Reporter] Sad news tonight as local businessman

and philanthropist Earl Halperson, has passed away.

Halperson, best known as Happy,

became a regional celebrity out of our local community.

When he started a series of commercials

for his chain of liquor stores throughout the area.

Happy will be missed.

(news bulletin music)

- Local businessman, Earl Halperson, has died today.

Better known as Happy,

Halperson became a regional celebrity

in the 1980s through a series of memorable

and colorful TV commercials for Happy's liquor stores.

Halperson was widely celebrated

for offering good working conditions for his employees

and for donating to numerous charitable causes.

- Halperson also contributed very generously

to the local High School and University.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Mr. Halperson's,

many friends and benefactors tonight.

(soft music)

- It's good to see you again, Landon.

- Thanks Claude,

- Call me Mr. Schmidt for fuck's sake.

No, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding with you.

I know now is probably not the time to be joking around but,

I don't know whether they call it

humor in the face of sadness, something like that.

I mean maybe now's the perfect time to joke around.

I remember...

Wow, I don't want to get into it.

Look, I have an attorney too.

Sometimes I'm not allowed to talk about stuff.

Okay? There's a chain, who's the attorney's attorney?

Who mails the mailman's mail or whatever the that is.

Thank you for coming in and meeting with me, okay?

I needed to see you one more time.

- Claude.

- That's kind of that I like from you.

I always knew I liked you, seriously I did.

I always knew I liked you, okay?

Seriously, I like you, okay?

I love you.

Now, Landon,

as your attorney I called you in for something

very important today.

I want you to look at these.

You see what that is?

- He's given me Happy's?

- Yeah, so you can read, you can read, you are literate!

Your grandfather has given you Happy's.

And at the top of this,

look giving you Happy's liquor is one thing

but your grandfather was a brilliant, brilliant businessman.

He had investments, stocks, bonds, gold and silver.

He had little, little novelty dice from Las Vegas

to held old, dried up, use condoms in it.

He had all this stuff and he's giving it all to you.

Can you imagine? This is all gonna be yours okay?

- Mother fucker!

- Actually, yeah well he was a grand mother fucker,

and that's how you were born.

He's a grandmother fucker.

Your dad's a mother fucker.

You could call your dad a motherfucker.

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe that's disrespectful.

You can't call your mama motherfucker.

Cause what's she doing?

She can't...

She fucking herself? I don't know.

You ever see a Requiem for a dream.

Whoa! You seen the end of that movie?

Whoa! Holy shit!

Now that's a mother fucker,

both of them are mother fuckers.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

We don't need to get into that either.

Look, my attorney said

I need to be a little more calm around the office.

He's like the smarties, all that shit,

it's got to go, I'm trying to live clean.

I got a wife.

I got kids.

I can't keep doing this shit.

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

But look, I want you to take this

and I want you to think about this very seriously, okay?

Look, your grandfather was a poo nouned,

he was argumentative.

Maybe a little racist, said some stuff

that I don't know if I agree with, but God,

that guy loved you.

And now you got to think for yourself.

Do you want to take that and continue the business?

Or do you want to liquidate everything that he had

and buy yourself whatever kind of life you want.

Think about that.

And before you go for the record, I need to know.

Do you actually hear, hold on.

Do you, do you want to retain me as your attorney?

I need this on tape.

- Yes, Claude.

- God! Hey, you broke my recorder! Just kidding,

it's never had any batteries in it you old fuck.

Don't tell me how old you are.

Look, this is great.

If you keep that business, guess what? I work for you now.

Okay? In fact, this is your office.

Hey, take this computer. Okay?

Don't look in that one folder that's on there.

Keep this whole computer though.

Take it at its yours,

I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna leave.

Don't hit that button okay?

I don't want you to bend me over.

Okay? Thank you, thank you.

Okay? Okay, all right.

This is yours now, okay, I love you.

(soft music)

- In business news tonight, it has been announced

that Landon Ward is the lone heir

to the Harlperson incorporated fortune.

Harlperson Inc is the corporation

that owns the regional liquor store chain Happy's.

It has come to light that Harlperson incorporated also

owns many other financially successful holdings,

commercial real estate,

and numerous lucrative investments throughout the world.

There has been no correspondence with Landon ward

to ascertain the fate of Harlperson incorporated.

If the assets are to be liquidated

or on any of the business dealings

of Harlperson incorporated going forward.

- Wow! Landon is like a multi-millionaire now!

Now he might even be a billionaire!

Little Slugger hit the big lake.

Looks like you fucked up girl, bet you feel like shit.

You're never gonna get another chance like that.

And this ain't going to cut it with him.

Damn girl, you lost out big.

And what do you call someone that loses?

What's that word?

You call him,

- A loser.

- Right, a loser!

It was just right on the tip of my tongue.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, you should check it out number 10,

Echoes of Narcissus.

- Yeah, you know I really don't care.

But you wanna fuck?

- Yeah.

- All right hurry up I'm a paid baby sitter.

(upbeat music)

- [Manager] I guess you're the boss now kid.

- I guess so,

- What are you going to do?

How's it feel?

- I was thinking,

I was thinking I'm going to sell liquor stores

and I'm investing to a different business.

- I'm sorry what? You're gonna do what?

- Invest into a different business.

- You got to sell...

What the fuck am I gonna do?

- I was thinking about just putting you on top.

- Ah, Jesus,

Kid, it took me a long time to get here.

Can you...

I worked really hard.

You can't...

You can't put me on a fucking roof.

I get it, I got an uncle he's been there,

please don't put me on a roof.

You ever been on a fucking roof?

- I'm just busting your balls, man.

- Oh Jesus Christ.

Good for you kid, that's good.

I actually thought maybe you would put me on a fucking roof.

- Was that was that professional enough?

- That was pretty good.

I don't know about professional

but you're busting balls is good.

You picking up fast.

You smart, it's good.

Good for you, good for you.

You, you got to promise me something though.

Now you're going to run this place.

You're going to keep it going.

You're not going to put me on a roof please.

I just want to be here okay?

I'll work really hard for you.

Just let me drink on the job.

I'll never be drunk, it'll be fine.

You got to promise me though.

Don't ever marry anybody.

They're going to come for you.

They're going to come for your liquor stores.

They want everything.

Just get yourself a fucking whore.

I know you're young.

You may not know what that's like yet

but get yourself a whore.

You, you give them money.

They leave.

It's an arrangement.

It's American capitalism.

You pay them.

They leave,

you good to go.

- If you get a Filipino one, it's even better.

See the better, Filipino fuck, pay them, they leave

you're good.

Yeah, you gotta trust me.

Good for you kid, good for you.

You're gonna do okay.

You're gonna do okay.

Thank you.

Gus,

- Your Pete,

grandfather used to wear a tan top way hat.

I think you're going to look real good and black.

- What are you gonna do now kid?

(soft music)

- I'm going to be happy.

- Good, that's good, good for you.

Good for you.

- Hello, this is Michelle,

from the University Student Affairs Office,

how are you today?

- Hi, what can I do for you?

- [Michele] The university and myself

want to extend our sincerest condolences

regarding the passing of your grandfather.

We were hopeful that in light of his passing,

that our sterling relationship with his estate

will remain unchanged.

Will the university be able to expect your continued support

in the upcoming academic and athletic years?

- [Landon] You know what?

I'll let you know.

I'm sorry,

- [Camera Man] Oh its no problem sir.

- This is where Happy shot his first commercial?

- [Camera Man] Oh yeah.

This is his first store.

This was the first liquor store he got

when he moved up here,

- This will be perfect.

That's all right here.

- [Camera Man] Yeah, you know, my dad shot that for him.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

You don't have any, Puerto Rican jokes do you?

- No,

- Oh, fantastic.

All right.

Happy's liquor, take one.

(upbeat music)

- Man you should've seen her tonight.

She looked great in that sequel dress dude,

She nailed the jump, fabulous.

- And she did it, she won, I'm so proud of her.

- And that French judge, man.

She gave her a great score, even though she wasn't French,

she still gave her a great score!

- Hey Richie, three more of the good stuff.

- The good stuff.

The good shit.

- Thank you buddy.

- And my grandfather would always say good times or bad

you always need a drink.

(I'm Not Punk by Crimson Riot playing)