Original subtitles

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY

CARTOON NETWORK

- MAN, I HATE GOING TO THE

CAFETERIA.

IT'S THE SAME GROSS OLD CRUD

EVERY DAY.

- RELAX, NUMBAH 4.

THE FOOD IS PRETTY GROSS.

BUT IF YOU FIGHT HARD ENOUGH,

IT'LL STAY DOWN.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

- UH, NUMBAH 5 ISN'T SO HUNGRY

ALL OF A SUDDEN.

COME ON!

- YEAH.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD GRAB A TABLE - AND...

[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]

- ♪ I'VE GOT PORK FAT AND - GRAVY FLOWING THROUGH MY VEINS ♪

♪ I SERVE DEAD MONKEY PUDDING

AND PLATYPUS BRAINS ♪

♪ I'M GRANDMOTHER STUFFUM

- ♪ GRANDMOTHER STUFFUM

- ♪ I CAME TO THE SCHOOL

TO FEED YOU KIDS ♪

♪ AND BAKE UP PIES

WITH JELLIED SQUIDS! ♪

♪ KIDS MUST EAT

♪ KIDS MUST EAT

♪ KIDS MUST EAT

♪ KIDS MUST EAT

♪ KIDS WERE NOT PUT

ON THIS EARTH TO NIBBLE ♪

- NO!

- ♪ YOU ALL MUST BE HELPLESS

AND FAT ♪

- YEAH!

- ♪ THAT WAY YOU CAN'T GET

YOURSELF IN TROUBLE ♪

- NO!

- ♪ WHILE GRANDMA GETS TO FEED

YOU CURRIED RAT ♪

♪ I WILL STOP YOU

WITH MOOSE FONDUE ♪

♪ YOU WILL CHOW ON

TUNA MELTDOWN ♪

♪ EAT IT

♪ SCARF IT

♪ BITE IT

♪ CRAM IT

♪ DOWN IT

♪ CHOW IT

♪ WANT IT

♪ PIG OUT!

♪ I WILL MAKE YOU

♪ FATTER!

♪ I CAME TO THIS SCHOOL

WITH MY FOOD

TO CONQUER THE YOUNG AND RUDE ♪

♪ I'M GRANDMOTHER STUFFUM

- ♪ GRANDMOTHER STUFFUM

- ♪ YOU MUST EAT NOW

♪ TRY MY DEEP-FRIED BOAR

♪ BUT YOU JUST NEVER LISTEN

'CAUSE YOU'RE KIDS NEXT DOOR ♪

♪ KIDS MUST EAT

♪ KIDS MUST EAT

♪ KIDS MUST EAT!

♪ KIDS WERE NOT PUT

ON THIS EARTH TO NIBBLE ♪

- NO!

- ♪ YOU ALL MUST BE HELPLESS

AND FAT ♪

- YEAH!

- ♪ THAT WAY YOU CAN'T GET

YOURSELF IN TROUBLE ♪

- NO!

- ♪ WHILE GRANDMA GETS TO FEED

YOU TOASTED BAT ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BEAT ME

♪ YOU CAN'T TOAST ME

♪ YOU WON'T GRILL ME

♪ YOU WON'T POACH ME

♪ COOK ME

♪ STEW ME

♪ BOIL ME

♪ FRY ME

♪ BASTE ME

♪ BROIL ME

- ♪ ROAST ME - ♪ BAKE ME

♪ YOU'LL JUST MAKE ME...

- YAY! WE WON! WE WON!

- WELL, THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

USUALLY SHE MAKES US EAT A LOT

MORE THAN THAT.

- YAY!

[ RUMBLING, SIREN BLARING ]

WHOO-HOO! YAY!

AAH! OW!

- SLAMWITCH!

SLAMWITCH!

SLAMWITCH!

SLAMWITCH!

SLAMWITCH!

SLAMWITCH!

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

- UM, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO OUT TO

EAT.

- YEAH.

- OH, YEAH.

[ SIREN WAILING ]

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

- ♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

- ♪ SLAMWITCH COMES

AND CHILDREN SCREAM ♪

♪ MADE OF BRAINS

AND SOUR CREAM ♪

♪ IF KIDS WON'T EAT

HIS MOLDY BREAD ♪

♪ THEN SLAMWITCH EATS YOU KIDS

INSTEAD ♪

♪ SLAMWITCH COMES

AND YOU'LL ALL CRY ♪

♪ SWATS F-16s FROM THE SKY

♪ ADMIT YOU CRAVE

HIS PRETTY SPINACH ♪

♪ FALL AND WORSHIP

GIANT SANDWICH ♪

- ♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

- JOAQUIN!

WE NEED HELP... NOW!

- HUH?

- ♪ SCHOOLS OF KIDS

HE HAS ATE ♪

♪ AND SHALL OBLITERATE

♪ THE KIDS NEXT DOOR

AND ALL THEIR BROTHERS ♪

- ♪ AND ALL THE MISBEHAVING - OTHERS ♪

♪ WHO WON'T EAT

GRANDMA STUFFUM'S FOOD ♪

♪ AND NOW THEMSELVES

ARE CHOMPED AND CHEWED ♪

- ♪ BUT HE WHO'S MADE OF SKUNKS - AND FRIED VEAL ♪

♪ AND COMES TO MAKE YOU KIDS

HIS NEXT MEAL! ♪

♪ JUMP INSIDE HIS MASSIVE JAW

AMID THE PLAQUE

AND OLD COLESLAW ♪

- ♪ WITH THIS GIANT SANDWICH'S - PAIR OF CLAWS ♪

♪ ON KIDS NEXT DOOR HE CHOMPS

AND GNAWS ♪

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

♪ SLAMWITCH!

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

- [ COUGHS ]

[ RUMBLING ]

- [ LAUGHS ]

- ♪ ROTTEN KIDS

OR GIANT HAMSTER ♪

♪ SLAMWITCH EATS THEM ALL

WITH MUENSTER ♪

♪ MISERABLE, VERMINOUS

DESPICABLE RATS ♪

♪ WILL NOW MAKE SLAMWITCH

NICE AND FAT ♪

SLAMWITCH, CHARGE!

SLAMWITCH, FIGHT!

SLAMWITCH, EAT!

SLAMWITCH, OOH!

♪ HOW DARE YOU REFUSE

MY TASTY MONSTER? ♪

♪ SLAMWITCH WILL DESTROY YOU

HAMSTER ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU JUMP INTO

HIS GIZZARD ♪

♪ HAVE A TASTE

OF CANDIED LIZARD ♪

♪ SLAMWITCH COMES

AND HE MUST EAT ♪

♪ HE'S MADE OF CHEESE

AND POPPY SEED ♪

♪ AND IF YOU CRAVE TO BE

HIS DINNER ♪

♪ FALL AND WORSHIP

SLAMWITCH WINNER! ♪

SLAMWITCH?

WHY DO YOU TWITCH?

MY GIANT SANDWICH!

SLAMWITCH!!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

- ♪ JOAQUIN!

- ♪ SLAMWITCH!

♪ SLAMWITCH!

- ♪ JOAQUIN!

- ♪ SLAMWITCH?

- ♪ JOAQUIN!

[ BELL RINGS ]

- UGH.

I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER.

- SEE YOU TOMORROW, CHILDRENS!

WE'RE HAVING "SCREAM" OF

SPINACH!

OOH!

- GET A NEW COOKBOOK, LADY!

- [ LAUGHING ]

- MMM, BOY!

THAT TURKEY LOOKS SUPERLICIOUS,

MOM.

- WHY, THANK YOU, HOAGIE.

I JUST HOPE MY BOSS THINKS SO.

BOY, IF I DON'T IMPRESS HER

TONIGHT, I'LL JUST LOSE MY MIND!

AAH!

OH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- RELAX, MOM.

IT'S JUST THE NEW 2x4 TECHNOLOGY

DOORBELL I INSTAL...

OW!

- HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHY I - LET YOU AND TOMMY MESS AROUND

WITH THE WIRING OF MY HOUSE.

- WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS TO - MYSELF?

SHAME ON YOU, BETTY.

SHAME, SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!

OH, HELLO, HELLO!

- [ LAUGHS ] - HMM.

- BETTY.

- HI, MRS. GILLIGAN!

[ BOTH SHOUTING ]

- COME IN. COME IN.

IT IS SO NICE OF YOU TO COME FOR

DINNER, MRS. SANBAN.

- NOW, BETTY.

YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO CALL ME

MRS. SANBAN.

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS MADAME

HEAD OF ACCOUNTING MRS. SANBAN.

- [ CLEARS THROAT ]

- OOH, YES, YES! [ LAUGHS ]

HOW STUPID OF ME.

HOW STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

- [ LAUGHS ] - MADAME HEAD OF ACCOUNTING

MRS. SANBAN, SIR... I-I MEAN

MA'AM.

- I AM ANTICIPATING A MOST

INTERESTING DINNER TONIGHT.

- WELL, OF COURSE!

[ LAUGHS ]

- HI, GUYS!

- HEY, NUMBAH 2!

- HOAGIE!

- AW! HEY, MUSHI!

- GIRLS! ENOUGH BICKERING!

- HEY!

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE RACKET?

WHERE'S MY FOOD?

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR HOURS.

- OH! THIS IS MY MOTHER, LYDIA.

SHE'S GOING TO BE JOINING US FOR

DINNER SINCE I, UM, I CAN'T GET

HER TO LEAVE.

- HOW DO YOU DO?

- HOW DO I DO WHAT?!

WHAT ARE YOU, A COP?

- [ LAUGHS ]

THOMAS! GET DOWN HERE!

- I EAT ALONE.

FOR I AM... THE TOMMY.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

- GET DOWN HERE NOW!

- OKAY, GRANDMA.

OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]

- MOM, YOU TAKE OUR GUESTS'

COATS WHILE HOAGIE SHOWS

EVERYONE INTO THE DINING ROOM.

- NYAH! I KNOW.

YOU NEED ME TO BATTLE ADULT

TYRANNY, RIGHT?

- NO, NO.

GO HELP YOUR GRANDMA.

- HELP GRANDMA?

OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE.

[ GRUNTS ]

- GIVE ME THAT DOLLY THINGY!

- BUT I BROUGHT MY

POSH PARTY RAINBOW MONKEY JUST

FOR THIS PARTY!

IT'S GOT REAL CARE-AND-SHARE

SIGHING!

- AHH!

- LA-A-ME.

- YOU'VE BEEN WAITING ALL WEEK

FOR THIS PARTY, HAVEN'T YOU?

- ADULTS CAN WAIT FOR A PARTY,

SO JUST GIVE ME THE STUPID DOLL

- SO I CAN EAT MY TURKEY DINNER - ALREADY!

- GRANDMA!

REMEMBER WHAT MOM SAID ABOUT

HITTING THE GUESTS?

- SOMETHING ABOUT NOT BEFORE

DESSERT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

- OH, HELLO, HELLO!

- [ LAUGHS ] - DON'T MIND ME.

I'LL BE DONE IN A MOMENT.

- HOW UNINTERESTING.

- [ GASPS ]

- MAY I HAVE A TURN WITH YOUR

POSH PARTY RAINBOW MONKEY,

SISTER?

- MAYBE LATER, MUSHI.

I THINK MY HEAD NEEDS SOME

RAINBOW MONKEY LOVE.

- AHH!

- OKAY! I'LL WAIT MY TURN.

- THAT'S IT!

- I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CONSTANT - SQUABBLING OVER THAT RIDICULOUS

RAINBOW MONKEY!

- "RAINBOW MONKEY" THIS, - "RAINBOW MONKEY" THAT!

I RUE THE DAY YOUR MOTHER EVER

BOUGHT THAT YOU THAT INFERNAL

TOY AND SHATTERED THE

TRANQUILITY OF OUR HAPPY HOME!

- NOW, KHANI, GIVE THEM A

CHANCE TO PLAY WITH THEIR TOY.

A CHANCE I NEVER HAD AS A CHILD.

OH, WHAT I WOULD'VE DONE FOR A

DOLLY.

[ SOBS ]

- OH, THAT DOLL IS RUINING MY

DINNER!

- EXILED FROM THE

KIDS NEXT DOOR, MINE IS A SOLO

JOURNEY.

A NEVER-ENDING QUEST TO BRING

JUSTICE TO KIDS WORLDWIDE!

FOR I AM... THE TOMMY.

- OKAY, THERE, THEN.

UH, TURKEY, ANYONE?

[ LAUGHS ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]

OH, I'M SORRY.

BUT THE ELECTRICITY HAS BEEN

GIVING US PROBLEMS EVER SINCE

TOMMY TRIED TO WIRE HIS

2x4 TECHNOLOGY GENERATOR.

- [ SCREAMS ]

AAH!

P-POSH PARTY RAINBOW MONKEY!

WHERE'D IT GO?

IT CAN'T BE GONE!

IT CAN'T!

WHERE IS IT?

- WHAT DID I SAY?!

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS

CONSTANT BICKERING!

- I TOLD YOU I SHOULD'VE TAKEN

THAT DOLL!

- MAYBE LEFT ON ITS OWN LONELY

QUEST FOR JUSTICE.

- YOU'RE NOT RELATED TO ME, ARE - YOU?

- THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

- [ LAUGHS ]

JUST RELAX, DEARY.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT A SILLY DOLLY

TO RUIN SUCH A WONDERFUL...

[ LAUGHS ] HAPPY...

FUN-TIME PARTY!

[ ALL MUMBLING ]

OKAY, THEN.

WHY NOT HAVE THE FIRST PIECE OF

MY DELICIOUS TURKEY?

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

- AAAAAH!

- OH, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE A

VEGETARIAN OR SOMETHING.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST A TURKEY.

YAH! AAH!

I'M SO FIRED.

- FIRED, SCHMIRED.

WHERE'S THE TURKEY?

I'M STARVIN' OVER HERE!

- HOW CAN YOU TALK ABOUT FOOD

AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

- [ SOBS ]

- THAT'S ENOUGH!!

SOMEBODY HERE IS GUILTY OF

RAINBOW MONKEY MURDER.

AND NO ONE'S LEAVING...

UNTIL I DISCOVER WHO IT IS.

- WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME!

I DIDN'T DO IT!

- OR DID YOU?

- AAH!

- [ CHUCKLES ]

RIGHT. SORRY.

- HEY, HOW COME HOAGIE GETS TO

BE DETECTIVE?

- BECAUSE MY KIDS NEXT DOOR

TRAINING BEST QUALIFIES ME TO

GET THE FACTS.

FOR INSTANCE, WHERE WERE YOU

WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT?

- I... I WENT UPSTAIRS.

- BUT I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE - RAINBOW MONKEY.

- YOU'RE HIDING SOMETHING.

SPILL IT!

[ SOBS ]

- HEY.

THIS WAS MY CANDY AND SODA, YOU

ROTTEN STINKER.

YOU STOLE THIS FROM MY ROOM!

- I-I'M SORRY, HOAGIE.

- WHY'D YOU DO IT, TOMMY?

- I... I WAS...

THIRSTY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I WAS HUNGRY.

- THAT FISH IS THREE DAYS OLD,

AND I AIN'T BUYIN' IT.

- NOW, LOOK HERE, BOY.

- SIT DOWN!

SING, TOMMY.

- I WAS THIRSTY.

OOH! I MEAN HUNGRY.

AAH!

I MEAN THIRSTY. AAH!

I MEAN HUNGR...

THUNGRY! HIRSTY!

- I WANT THE TRUTH!

- I WAS HUNGRY AND THIRSTY!

[ ALL GASP ]

CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU... OF ALL IMPORTANT.

OOH!

- CAN WE PLEASE GET ON WITH

THIS STUPID DOLLY INVESTIGATION?

I'M HUNGRY HERE!

- HUNGRY FOR REVENGE?

- NO!

HUNGRY FOR TURKEY, YOU CRAZY

MUNCHKIN.

SO I WANT SOME DINNER!

- WELL, I WANT SOME JUSTICE.

JUSTICE WITH A NICE HELPING OF

CONFESSION ON THE SIDE.

ANY ONE OF YOU COULD'VE DONE THE

DEED.

MOM!

- [ GASPS ] - I HEARD YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT

- THE RAINBOW MONKEY RUINING YOUR - DINNER PARTY.

FORKING THAT RAINBOW MONKEY IN

THE BACK SOLVED THAT PROBLEM,

DIDN'T IT?

- NO!

OH, I MEAN YES.

[ SOBS ]

I JUST WANTED A NICE DINNER.

- AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, GRANDMA?

YOU'RE OLD AND MEAN.

- YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, SONNY.

AND I WOULD'VE DONE IT, TOO, IF

IT WASN'T FOR MY BACK AND MY

ARTHRITIS.

- AND I GOT THIS FUNNY LITTLE - CRICK IN MY NECK.

OH, AND MY BUNION.

- AND WHAT ABOUT YOU,

MR. SANBAN?

WITH THE RAINBOW MONKEY GONE,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

YOUR DAUGHTERS' CONSTANT

"BICKERING."

- [ SOBS ]

I JUST WANTED MY BABIES TO BE

NICE TO EACH OTHER!

IS THAT SO BAD?

IS THAT SO WRONG?

[ SOBS ]

- UH, ALL RIGHT.

JUST, YOU KNOW, LIGHTEN UP,

ALREADY.

OKAY?

- OKAY.

THANK YOU.

- AND THEN THERE'S YOU.

YOU WERE JEALOUS OF YOUR

DAUGHTER'S DOLLY.

AND WE ALL KNOW IT'S NOT A LONG

TRIP FROM JEALOUSY TO FORKING A

RAINBOW MONKEY IN THE BACK.

- I BOUGHT THAT DOLL FOR MY

DAUGHTERS.

- IT'S THEIRS TO DO WITH AS THEY - PLEASE.

- BUT DID ANYONE OFFER ME A TURN - WITH IT?

A HUG?

FIVE MINUTES OF RAINBOW MONKEY

FUN?

NO!

NOT ONE LITTLE, BITTY

HUGGY WUGGY!

[ GRUNTS, SIGHS ]

BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.

I WAS POWDERING MY NOSE.

- I KNOW YOU DIDN'T DO IT.

THE REAL CULPRIT IS...

MUSHI!

- YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

- I DON'T KID.

SOMETIMES I SAY COOL JOKES AND

PUNS AND STUFF.

BUT NEVER KID.

- BUT WHY WOULD I DO IT?

KUKI SAID SHE WAS GONNA SHARE

THE DOLL WITH ME ANYWAY!

- MAYBE.

BUT PERHAPS YOU COULDN'T WAIT.

I MEAN, A POSH PARTY RAINBOW

MONKEY IS PRETTY SPECIAL.

SPECIAL ENOUGH TO GRAB FROM YOUR

SISTER WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.

- SPECIAL ENOUGH TO HUG ALL BY - YOURSELF.

BUT YOU FORGOT SOMETHING.

THE POSH PARTY RAINBOW MONKEY

COMES WITH CARE-AND-SHARE

SIGHING ACTION.

- AND THE SECOND YOU HUGGED IT, - THE RAINBOW MONKEY TRIED TO LET

OUT A BIG SIGH.

- AND THAT'S WHEN YOU REALIZED THE - ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOURSELF WAS

TO SILENCE IT... FOR GOOD!

AND THEN YOU HID THE POOR

RAINBOW MONKEY, HOPING NOBODY

WOULD FIND IT.

- I WOULDN'T DO SUCH A HORRIBLE

THING!

I LOVE RAINBOW MONKEYS!

I LOVE SHARING!

- THEN PERHAPS YOU'D SHARE YOUR

FORK WITH ME.

- UM, SURE. [ CHUCKLES ]

I...[ GASPS ]

- OH, MUSHI!

WHY?!

- BECAUSE YOU KEPT HOGGING IT!

AND SHOWING OFF ITS

HUGGIGACIOUSNESS!

IT DROVE ME NUTS!

- OH, MUSHI!

I SHOULD'VE SHARED MORE!

- SHARED?

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

I WANTED IT ALL TO MYSELF!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

- MR. SANBAN, TAKE HER AWAY.

I HAVE A FEELING MUSHI IS GONNA

BE GROUNDED FOR A LONG, LONG

TIME.

- THANK YOU FOR A MOST

INTERESTING EVENING.

BUT I THINK WE'LL JUST GO GET

OURSELVES SOME PIZZA TONIGHT.

I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU

MONDAY IN YOUR NEW OFFICE AND

DEPUTY SUBACCOUNTS MANAGER.

- OH! WELL [LAUGHS] THANK YOU,

MRS. MADAME HEAD OF ACCOUNTING

MA'AM, SIR, MA'AM.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, THANK YOU, MRS. SANBAN!

- OH, PLEASE, CALL ME GENKI.

AND AS FOR YOU,

MR. YOUNG DETECTIVE, PERHAPS NOW

YOU CAN INVESTIGATE WHAT

HAPPENED TO YOUR MOTHER'S

TURKEY.

- MAYBE.

BUT DISCOVERING WHO ATE A

LEMON-BASTED TURKEY WITH

- CRANBERRY STUFFING... THAT WON'T - BE EASY.

- [ CLICKS TONGUE ]

I DON'T RECALL YOUR MOTHER

MENTIONING WHAT KIND OF STUFFING

SHE PUT IN THE TURKEY.

- WELL, YEAH!

I NEVER MENTIONED IT!

HOAGIE P. GILLIGAN JR., WHAT

HAPPENED TO MY TURKEY?!

- WELL, UH, Y-YOU SEE...

OOH! I-I CAN EXPLAIN!

IT WAS...

- YOU ATE MY TURKEY, YOU LITTLE

SHERLOCK HOLMES!

TAKE THAT!

AND THAT! AND THAT!

AND THAT, TOO.

THERE'S NO TURKEY.

THEY HAVE A DINNER WITH NO MAIN

COURSE.

THE LITTLE HAGEULAH.

HE EATS ALL THE TURKEY.

THAT'S FINE.

THEY CALL HIM NUMBAH 2.

- HE'S GONNA BE NUMBAH 4 IN AN - INSTANT.

I'M HUNGRY!

WHAT CAN I MAKE HERE?

WHAT'S SHE GOT?

SHE'S GOT EGGS.

I COULD MAKE AN OMELET.

- IF I WANTED AN OMELET, I - WOULD'VE GOTTEN UP AND EATEN AT

BREAKFAST.

I NEED DINNER FOOD.

I NEED FOOD FOR ME.

- I NEED FOOD FOR MY HUNGRY - STOMACH.

- I'M NOT SURE WHAT I WANT TO EAT, - THOUGH.

WHAT AM I CRAVING?

A MAN WITH A JOB.

[ LAUGHS ]

SOMETIME I CRACK MYSELF UP.