Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:55,720
Oh, Jared.
2
00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:58,660
It's so beautiful.
3
00:00:58,690 --> 00:01:01,220
No, you're so beautiful.
4
00:01:01,260 --> 00:01:02,560
There's no one else
I'd rather spend
5
00:01:02,590 --> 00:01:04,160
the rest of my life with.
6
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,330
My love, will you...
7
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,970
She's not for you.
8
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,440
What the hell?
9
00:01:13,470 --> 00:01:14,740
Pow!
10
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,340
- Hey!
- Oh.
11
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,740
That ring costs me 10 grand.
12
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:20,740
You were robbed.
13
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:21,780
And besides,
I've saved you
14
00:01:21,810 --> 00:01:24,110
a lot more than that.
15
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:28,690
And as for you, honey,
you can do far better than him.
16
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:48,540
Ah.
17
00:01:48,570 --> 00:01:49,510
Ha-ha!
18
00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:50,570
Still alive?
19
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:51,440
Hey!
20
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:54,710
Hey!
21
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:57,510
Rise and shine!
22
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:30,480
Wow!
23
00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:32,180
What a dinner.
24
00:02:32,210 --> 00:02:34,050
That's got to be
the best Italian in the city.
25
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,020
I uh, kind of wanted
sushi tonight but...
26
00:02:36,050 --> 00:02:38,450
Oh, how good was the pasta,
huh, babe?
27
00:02:38,490 --> 00:02:39,390
I think the chef's from Sicily.
28
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:40,490
Tuscany.
29
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:41,660
And it's just so simple,
you know,
30
00:02:41,690 --> 00:02:44,930
just chicken and mushrooms,
and spinach.
31
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,760
I think the recipe
was a lot more complicated
32
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,000
than that but...
33
00:02:48,030 --> 00:02:49,430
Makes you wonder
why you'd ever want to eat
34
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:50,900
anywhere else.
35
00:02:50,930 --> 00:02:52,470
We should take your parents
there next week.
36
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,500
We really shouldn't.
37
00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:55,770
Spare some change.
38
00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:02,710
Very generous.
39
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:05,620
Here, take this, too.
40
00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:06,820
The chef's from Sicily.
41
00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:07,920
Tuscany.
42
00:03:07,950 --> 00:03:10,050
Enjoy.
43
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:14,120
Uh, could use something
to wash it down with.
44
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,160
Here.
45
00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:17,760
Take this.
46
00:03:17,790 --> 00:03:19,560
My man.
47
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,460
I thought he might be hungry.
48
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,070
That was sweet, Dave.
49
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,700
You know, uh,
we should try to make
50
00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:29,810
some of that pasta.
51
00:03:30,770 --> 00:03:32,680
Shut up about the pasta.
52
00:03:32,710 --> 00:03:35,010
It wasn't that fucking good.
53
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,280
- It wasn't?
- No.
54
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:40,550
Yes.
55
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,450
I mean, like it was
and then it wasn't,
56
00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,190
you know what I mean?
57
00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:47,220
Not really.
58
00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:52,930
Um, I'm sorry
I can't do this anymore.
59
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,070
Do what anymore?
60
00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:01,840
Denise, do what anymore?
61
00:04:01,870 --> 00:04:03,340
The... this.
62
00:04:03,370 --> 00:04:04,740
You.
Us.
63
00:04:04,770 --> 00:04:05,880
Like...
64
00:04:05,910 --> 00:04:07,010
Denise, what are you saying?
65
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,010
I... I'm saying goodbye.
66
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,510
I'm breaking up with you.
67
00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:12,380
What?
What?
68
00:04:12,410 --> 00:04:15,420
- Why?
- Because I don't love you.
69
00:04:15,450 --> 00:04:16,120
Yes, you do.
70
00:04:16,150 --> 00:04:16,920
You've told me tons of times.
71
00:04:16,950 --> 00:04:18,620
Well, I... I was wrong.
72
00:04:18,650 --> 00:04:20,320
But what about us
getting married
73
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,020
after I graduate law school
like we talked about?
74
00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:24,530
I'm sorry, Dave,
I'm just not feeling it.
75
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,230
Feeling what?
76
00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:27,630
That spark.
77
00:04:27,660 --> 00:04:30,270
You know, that magical moment
a girl's supposed to feel.
78
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,400
Like, it wasn't there
from the start.
79
00:04:32,430 --> 00:04:33,200
Sure, it was.
80
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,440
It was very magical
when we met.
81
00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:36,540
We met at the DMV.
82
00:04:36,570 --> 00:04:37,610
I let you cut in front of me.
83
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,880
Uh.
84
00:04:38,910 --> 00:04:41,180
- Nobody does that at the DMV.
- Okay.
85
00:04:41,210 --> 00:04:43,010
Just... just try to understand,
okay?
86
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,850
So when I was a little girl,
I grew up watching
87
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,620
all these movies
and there was always
88
00:04:47,650 --> 00:04:48,820
this magic moment.
89
00:04:48,850 --> 00:04:51,850
{i}Belle{\i} and {i}Beauty and the Beast{\i}
had it and...
90
00:04:51,890 --> 00:04:54,460
Oh, oh,
and Demi Moore in {i}Ghost.{\i}
91
00:04:54,490 --> 00:04:56,990
God, even Sarah Connor
in the {i}Terminator{\i} had it.
92
00:04:57,030 --> 00:05:01,360
I...
I just don't feel that with you.
93
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:06,400
Oh, come on, say something.
94
00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:08,910
So you can't be in love
with someone
95
00:05:08,940 --> 00:05:11,310
unless they're a ghost,
a monster or someone
96
00:05:11,340 --> 00:05:13,910
sent back in time to protect you
from a cyborg assassin.
97
00:05:13,940 --> 00:05:15,040
Exactly.
98
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,450
- Oh, you got it.
- No!
99
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,220
I don't got it at all.
100
00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:21,220
Life's not like the movies
where there's this big
101
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:23,390
dramatic moment
with all the bells and whistles
102
00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:26,860
or getting hit by cupid's arrow
when you meet someone.
103
00:05:26,890 --> 00:05:28,560
Okay, I want there to be.
104
00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:30,090
Oh, Denise.
105
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,330
Be reasonable.
106
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,030
Love isn't supposed
to be reasonable.
107
00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:35,000
But I'd do anything for you.
108
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:35,830
Would you though?
109
00:05:35,870 --> 00:05:37,100
Like would you really?
110
00:05:37,130 --> 00:05:40,240
Of course, I would.
111
00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:42,240
Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
112
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,710
Goodbye, Dave.
113
00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:03,230
She got one thing right,
pasta was good,
114
00:06:03,260 --> 00:06:05,700
but it wasn't that fucking good.
115
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,660
Aww.
116
00:06:34,690 --> 00:06:35,690
{i}Hey! Why isn't the game on?{\i}
117
00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:36,630
Huh?
118
00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:40,030
I just called in
two large with my bookie.
119
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:43,370
Okay.
120
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,630
Yeah, bitch!
Come on!
121
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:45,500
Run!
122
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:47,670
Ooh, run!
123
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,110
Touchdown!
124
00:06:51,140 --> 00:06:53,140
Cover the spread, baby.
125
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,480
That's another big win for me.
126
00:06:54,510 --> 00:06:58,250
And when I, Cousin Marissa,
a.k.a. Morris the Magnificent
127
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:01,180
the Mo Money,
the Big Mo Pho-Wins,
128
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:02,390
say it with me, cuz.
129
00:07:02,420 --> 00:07:03,890
- I don't care!
- We all win.
130
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,090
You don't care.
131
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,020
What the fuck?
132
00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:07,190
What do you mean
you don't care?
133
00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:08,390
What are you looking at?
134
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:09,490
My calendar.
135
00:07:10,790 --> 00:07:12,930
It's been exactly a year
since Denise and I broke up.
136
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,030
Uh, you didn't break up.
137
00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:15,700
She dumped you
in front of a homeless man.
138
00:07:15,730 --> 00:07:16,830
What?
139
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,200
You have the date circled
with a little heart drawn
140
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,430
- cracked in half?
- No!
141
00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:20,340
I just...
142
00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:21,870
It was a rhetorical
fucking question.
143
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,670
My God!
144
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:24,770
All right!
145
00:07:24,810 --> 00:07:27,240
Oh, if I had known
this was gonna be a pity party,
146
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,680
I would have brought over
a couple of bottles of wine,
147
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,410
some razors and we could
have gotten drunk
148
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,580
and shaved our vaginas together.
149
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:34,780
I thought we're gonna
watch football.
150
00:07:36,350 --> 00:07:37,950
You do know what you're doing,
don't you?
151
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,360
Yes! I do, Morris!
152
00:07:39,390 --> 00:07:40,590
I'm missing the girl I love.
153
00:07:40,620 --> 00:07:42,060
Not missing, clinging.
154
00:07:42,090 --> 00:07:44,330
And as far as I am concerned,
that is the kind
155
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,360
of emotional behavior
that makes me wanna disown you
156
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,000
from the family
or at the very least
157
00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:49,170
punch you in the face.
158
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,330
I can't help it
if I'm not over our breakup.
159
00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:53,770
Again, not break up
because she dumped you.
160
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:54,940
What difference does it make?
161
00:07:54,970 --> 00:07:56,770
You're idealizing
the relationship
162
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,840
and you are idolizing her.
163
00:07:58,870 --> 00:08:01,480
Do you think that she decided
that night to end things?
164
00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:03,210
Anytime a woman
breaks up with you,
165
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,980
that is months in the making.
166
00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:06,250
Years, even.
167
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,780
I mean, men are just too stupid
to see it coming.
168
00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:09,750
And what do you know about it?
169
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,990
I mean, your longest
relationship has lasted
170
00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:13,060
no longer than a night.
171
00:08:13,090 --> 00:08:16,030
Okay, you're exaggerating
a little bit.
172
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:19,000
I mean, like three,
four hours tops.
173
00:08:19,030 --> 00:08:21,060
Pretty much midway through
the third orgasm
174
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,060
I am calling an Uber.
175
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:25,230
Davey, look.
176
00:08:25,270 --> 00:08:28,100
You had her, you lost her,
and now she's gone.
177
00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:29,310
Yeah?
178
00:08:29,340 --> 00:08:31,910
Besides, if you really
wanna pay Denise back,
179
00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:35,480
best and most effective way
to do that is to live
180
00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:37,580
a happily ever after
without her.
181
00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:40,020
It's not about paying her back.
182
00:08:40,050 --> 00:08:42,520
I just want her back.
183
00:08:44,350 --> 00:08:46,060
I'm never gonna find someone
as good as her again.
184
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,590
Bullshit!
185
00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:49,160
The world is filled
with beautiful women.
186
00:08:49,190 --> 00:08:49,990
I should know.
187
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,060
I have dated half of them.
188
00:08:52,530 --> 00:08:54,160
Do you mean to tell
me that your tiny corner
189
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,170
of Buffalo, New York
turned out the best
190
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,630
possible girl for you?
191
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:58,470
Your soul mate?
192
00:08:58,500 --> 00:08:59,840
I don't think it, I know it.
193
00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:03,170
All right, well, all I know
is that this is not the Dave
194
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,640
that I know.
195
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,580
This is not the kid
whose butt I wiped,
196
00:09:06,610 --> 00:09:08,280
coddled, and kicked
while growing up
197
00:09:08,310 --> 00:09:10,450
and molded into a guy
that was cool enough
198
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,720
to hang out with me,
you know what I mean?
199
00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:14,950
My Dave would never have fallen
so hard
200
00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:16,790
that he couldn't get back up
again.
201
00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:17,690
What can I say?
202
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,460
She's the one.
203
00:09:19,490 --> 00:09:21,020
Well, so what are you
gonna do about it?
204
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,160
Hmm?
205
00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:23,030
Gonna be miserable
the rest of your life?
206
00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:26,000
I don't know.
207
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,100
Give me your cell phone.
208
00:09:29,130 --> 00:09:30,170
- What?
- What?
209
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:31,070
- What?
- Phone.
210
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:32,540
No!
Why?
211
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:33,970
Give it to me!
Give it to me!
212
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:34,940
Oh my God!
213
00:09:34,970 --> 00:09:37,010
You still have this picture
on your phone?
214
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,210
Wow!
215
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:39,510
When a selfie can capture
true love like this,
216
00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:40,980
you have got to take pause.
217
00:09:41,010 --> 00:09:42,110
How many likes
did this get again?
218
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,150
Can I have my phone back,
please?
219
00:09:43,180 --> 00:09:44,780
Dave, this is for your own good.
220
00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:45,580
Please!
221
00:09:45,610 --> 00:09:47,250
I'm begging you,
move the fuck on!
222
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:48,380
I can't!
Okay?
223
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:50,950
I'm in too much pain.
224
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:53,090
No!
225
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,320
That is pain.
226
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,720
Do not confuse it with misery.
227
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:56,590
That hurt!
228
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,690
Just illustrating
a crucial point.
229
00:09:58,730 --> 00:10:00,200
Pain is transitory.
230
00:10:00,230 --> 00:10:01,630
In a few minutes
you are gonna feel much better,
231
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,130
but you're still
going to be miserable.
232
00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:07,400
I bet you have like
a thousand photos of Denise
233
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,400
- on this phone.
- Morris!
234
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,110
- Morris! No!
- Yup!
235
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:10,810
Hey! Hey, hey!
236
00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:15,740
Morris!
237
00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:18,080
Let's just give it a second
to get a nice sear.
238
00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:20,020
Damn it, Morris!
239
00:10:20,050 --> 00:10:21,920
Ah, yes!
240
00:10:21,950 --> 00:10:24,720
Yeah, smells done to me.
241
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:25,790
Oh.
242
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,760
Medium rare.
243
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:35,660
Aah.
244
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,130
It's all backed up on the Cloud,
anyway.
245
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:38,230
Oh, the Cloud.
246
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:39,740
Well, Dave,
that is beyond my reach.
247
00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:41,340
It is up to the gods now
to figure out
248
00:10:41,370 --> 00:10:43,340
what to do with you.
249
00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:45,010
Whoop!
Brrr, it's cold!
250
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,450
Fuck!
251
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:52,280
Maybe give me a break, okay?
252
00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:54,550
You know, show like
a little bit of sympathy.
253
00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:56,120
David,
you are like a brother to me
254
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,450
and I would take
a bullet for you,
255
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,620
but I will give you nothing
that I haven't given you before,
256
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,860
which is the hard truth
and tough love.
257
00:11:01,890 --> 00:11:04,260
So what if I have hope
and I'm still holding on to it?
258
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:05,600
You're a gambler,
you have hunches you stick with,
259
00:11:05,630 --> 00:11:06,660
kind of the same thing, right?
260
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,530
No, no, no, no.
I am a winning gambler.
261
00:11:08,570 --> 00:11:10,500
I don't play hunches,
I play the odds.
262
00:11:10,530 --> 00:11:12,470
I play with
statistical probability
263
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:13,740
and scientific facts.
264
00:11:13,770 --> 00:11:16,410
Where is the evidence
that Denise wants you back, huh?
265
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,670
Just because
you want her back, too?
266
00:11:17,710 --> 00:11:20,080
No. There just still has to be
a chance.
267
00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:21,610
Sure there is.
268
00:11:21,650 --> 00:11:23,780
Why don't you give her a call?
269
00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:24,950
Later.
270
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:47,300
The least you can do
is say sorry.
271
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,820
You're a real asshole, you know.
272
00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:04,720
You should clean that up.
273
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:06,560
You hipsters have
already done enough
274
00:12:06,590 --> 00:12:08,690
to ruin the neighborhood.
275
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,300
Good morning, Mrs. Fishbaum.
276
00:12:16,330 --> 00:12:17,430
Perfect timing.
277
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,340
Onion bagels
just came out of the oven.
278
00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:24,010
Do you know that poppy seed
shows up as heroin
279
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:25,470
in your blood?
280
00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:26,910
My son's a doctor.
281
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:28,110
He tells me these things.
282
00:12:28,140 --> 00:12:29,380
That's very interesting.
283
00:12:29,410 --> 00:12:32,650
I wouldn't want you
to fail a drug test, David,
284
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,020
because you ate
a poppy seed bagel before.
285
00:12:35,050 --> 00:12:37,490
I appreciate the tip,
I will try to keep that in mind.
286
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,220
A young man like you
must do a lot of drugs
287
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,690
to still work as a bagel boy.
288
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,230
As I mentioned before,
this is just
289
00:12:45,260 --> 00:12:46,560
a temporary situation
while I'm still
290
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,930
in law school, Mrs. F.
291
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,530
Do you know
that this coffee shop
292
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,670
used to be a part
of the old neighborhood
293
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,070
Jewish Community Center?
294
00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:02,110
I met my husband
right at that table.
295
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:07,620
Do you know
what I hope for, David?
296
00:13:07,650 --> 00:13:13,460
I hope I'll see him
sitting there again.
297
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,490
What would you say to him?
298
00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:22,530
Oh, I love you.
299
00:13:22,570 --> 00:13:24,230
I hate you.
300
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,900
Oh, I miss you.
301
00:13:32,140 --> 00:13:33,780
- I'm horny.
- Okay.
302
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,690
All right.
303
00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:54,700
Yeah, send an ambulance
to the corner of Grant
304
00:13:54,730 --> 00:13:58,740
and Elmwood,
there's been an accident.
305
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,940
David,
have you ever met my granddaughter?
306
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:08,710
Too bad for you, David,
she's gay.
307
00:14:08,750 --> 00:14:10,850
Based on her past
relationships,
308
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,650
she has very low standards.
309
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,790
In fact, she would have gone out
with you even though
310
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:17,690
you just make bagels for living.
311
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,960
Just a temporary situation,
Mrs. F.
312
00:14:19,990 --> 00:14:24,130
I don't do as many drugs as you,
but I do smoke marijuana
313
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,730
for my arthritis, my glaucoma.
314
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,030
Maybe we could get
high together sometime.
315
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,070
Hmm?
316
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:34,500
On second thought,
you probably couldn't handle
317
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,610
the shit I smoke.
318
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,040
Mrs. Fishbaum,
I bet Snoop Dogg
319
00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:39,840
couldn't handle
the shit you smoke.
320
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,930
Let's get this show on the road.
321
00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:02,630
Love!
322
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,540
Fuck!
323
00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:13,440
Oh my God, I am so sorry.
324
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,480
Are you all right?
325
00:15:15,510 --> 00:15:16,910
I am now.
326
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,580
Hello.
327
00:15:51,610 --> 00:15:53,850
If you came here to give me
more grief, go home.
328
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,190
- I don't need it.
- No.
329
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:58,720
I came here to apologize.
330
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,690
I was really rough on you
and I am sorry.
331
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,790
You cremated my damn cell phone.
332
00:16:02,830 --> 00:16:04,090
Let me make amends.
333
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,600
Fly to Vegas with me.
334
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:08,330
Dude, I will take care
of everything.
335
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,500
We can leave tonight.
336
00:16:09,530 --> 00:16:11,370
I can't just fly to Vegas, okay?
337
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,000
Unlike you,
I have responsibilities.
338
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,640
Oh, come on,
I'm trying to make nice here.
339
00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:17,710
Vegas will make you forget
all about the fact
340
00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:19,810
that you don't have Denise
to fuck anymore.
341
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,140
Huh?
342
00:16:22,340 --> 00:16:23,980
Oh, he is a very smooth lover.
343
00:16:24,010 --> 00:16:24,980
Yeah.
344
00:16:25,010 --> 00:16:26,780
I'm... I'm his cousin,
so I wouldn't know but...
345
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,980
enjoy your latte.
346
00:16:29,020 --> 00:16:32,190
Why must you reduce everything
to its basis element?
347
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:33,820
Mm, at its basis,
348
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,490
not having sex with Denise
is what you miss the most.
349
00:16:36,530 --> 00:16:37,290
Well, it's not.
350
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,290
It's much more than that.
351
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,360
All right, it's her.
352
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:44,430
Okay, you're telling me,
Denise comes walking
353
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:47,100
through that door right now,
she says, "Dave, I'm back,
354
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,570
but you can never
sleep with me again."
355
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:50,840
You're honestly
gonna accept that?
356
00:16:50,870 --> 00:16:53,110
You cannot be that far gone?
357
00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:54,710
Can you?
358
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:57,910
No, I'm not,
but that's not the point.
359
00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:00,150
It is the only point
that matter.
360
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:02,590
Stay!
361
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,320
David!
362
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:12,430
If you don't believe me,
maybe you will believe
363
00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:14,260
the magic bagel.
364
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,300
Whoomp!
365
00:17:16,330 --> 00:17:17,670
Whoomp!
366
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:21,370
The magic bagel
sees all and tells all,
367
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,510
"Come boy.
368
00:17:22,540 --> 00:17:23,640
Come, come, come.
369
00:17:23,670 --> 00:17:26,810
The magic bagel
will not be denied."
370
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,040
You are certifiable.
371
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,950
- Okay, you looking?
- Yes, I'm looking.
372
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:33,420
Well, now, magic bagel predicts
that you will have
373
00:17:33,450 --> 00:17:34,980
an amazing time in Vegas.
374
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:37,190
And in fact, if you don't,
a curse will befall you
375
00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:41,220
and you might end up dead
or worse have no fun.
376
00:17:44,690 --> 00:17:46,230
Wow.
377
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:48,770
Magic bagel doesn't lie.
378
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,330
Life is short, Dave,
and you only get one.
379
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:55,440
Get on with the good times, huh?
380
00:17:55,470 --> 00:17:57,140
Ew, gross.
381
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,020
Never again.
382
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,760
Well, never again.
383
00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:19,290
You know, it's been a year
since Dave and I broke up.
384
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:21,430
You mean it's been a year
since you dumped him
385
00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:23,570
in front of a homeless man?
386
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,970
He was a great guy,
though.
387
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,870
Yeah, a great guy
who you may think
388
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:28,940
you would marry
and then kicked in the gut
389
00:18:28,970 --> 00:18:30,140
and ripped his heart out.
390
00:18:30,170 --> 00:18:32,710
Well, I don't understand
why he never tried
391
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,110
to see me again.
392
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:36,650
I'm just saying.
393
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,350
What if I made
the wrong decision?
394
00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:41,620
What if there's something left
unfinished between me and Dave?
395
00:18:41,650 --> 00:18:42,590
Denise!
396
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:44,650
Girl, I'm your best friend.
397
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:47,160
I support you
a thousand percent.
398
00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:49,360
I know it's an emotional time
for you right now
399
00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:51,660
and your heart
can play tricks on you.
400
00:18:51,690 --> 00:18:55,360
But if you think
your subconscious is really
401
00:18:55,400 --> 00:19:00,540
telling you something,
maybe you should listen.
402
00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:36,910
Now pay attention.
403
00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:38,470
There are a lot of hotties here.
404
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:41,080
Ooh, anxious to help you
mend your broken heart
405
00:19:41,110 --> 00:19:43,410
just so they can experience
the sheer joy of smashing it
406
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,550
into pieces again.
407
00:19:44,580 --> 00:19:46,080
Perfect.
408
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,350
Can you just try to forget
about your depressing obsession
409
00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:51,290
with Denise for a little while
and have some fun?
410
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,260
Fun, fun, fun!
411
00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:55,290
Remind me what's so fun
about approaching one girl
412
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,360
after another,
yelling some bogus rap
413
00:19:57,390 --> 00:19:59,460
over loud music in the hopes
that she'll give me the honor
414
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,730
of buying her a drink,
which she'll likely refuse,
415
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:02,770
anyway.
416
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,130
I guarantee you,
every girl in there
417
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:05,430
will let you buy her a drink.
418
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:07,040
Yeah?
And why is that?
419
00:20:07,070 --> 00:20:09,440
Hmm, 30 bucks each,
they will let you buy them two.
420
00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:10,940
Yeah?
Why not?
421
00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:13,080
Broke, heartbroken,
and I got to wait in line
422
00:20:13,110 --> 00:20:15,750
an hour for some place
that I don't wanna be in?
423
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:16,780
You know what?
424
00:20:16,810 --> 00:20:17,980
You're right,
this line does suck.
425
00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:21,650
And I am far from wasted enough
not to care.
426
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,790
Yeah. All right,
I'm gonna take a walk,
427
00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:25,120
smoke some,
play a little blackjack
428
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:27,790
while you hold
our place in line.
429
00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:29,130
Dude, if you want,
you can come with,
430
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,530
we can get back
and do this later.
431
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,960
Just go.
432
00:20:31,990 --> 00:20:33,260
I don't wanna prolong
this torture any longer
433
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:33,960
than I have to.
434
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,470
How are you related to me?
435
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:37,870
Oh my God.
436
00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:43,340
You know, if it were me
trying to get over somebody,
437
00:20:43,370 --> 00:20:45,940
getting high sounds like
a pretty good start.
438
00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:48,540
I can hold your place in line.
439
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:51,110
Thanks. Uh, I think
I'll wait it out here.
440
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,080
You know, long lines
are actually why
441
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,650
I sometimes go clubbing.
442
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,620
- Seriously?
- Sure.
443
00:20:56,650 --> 00:20:58,350
Best place to meet somebody
isn't inside where it's nothing
444
00:20:58,390 --> 00:21:00,820
but bullshit pickup lines
from conceited jerks
445
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,630
trying to act cool.
446
00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:04,030
It's out here.
447
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:07,160
Before everyone has a chance
to put their club faces on.
448
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,700
So if we were in there,
you'd think I was a jerk
449
00:21:08,730 --> 00:21:11,700
but out here,
I'm still a contender?
450
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:13,040
I don't know yet.
451
00:21:13,070 --> 00:21:14,500
How convincing
is your club face?
452
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,910
Hey, baby.
453
00:21:21,940 --> 00:21:23,550
How would you like
to have a drink with the king?
454
00:21:23,580 --> 00:21:25,310
Elvis, really?
455
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,050
Are you trying to pick up
my grandmother?
456
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:28,720
You can't say no
to Elvis in Vegas.
457
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:31,490
Okay.
458
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:32,450
All right.
459
00:21:34,390 --> 00:21:36,420
Okay.
460
00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:37,930
How's this?
461
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,030
I couldn't help but notice you
from the moment
462
00:21:43,070 --> 00:21:45,640
I saw you outside in line.
463
00:21:45,670 --> 00:21:48,600
I think it's your smile
or maybe your eyes.
464
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,910
But whatever it is,
465
00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:56,110
I'd really like
to buy you a drink.
466
00:21:56,150 --> 00:21:59,450
And who's that supposed to be?
467
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,920
Just me.
468
00:22:01,950 --> 00:22:03,390
Not bad, just you.
469
00:22:04,650 --> 00:22:06,190
I'm still not letting you
buy me a drink though.
470
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,590
No, again?
471
00:22:10,630 --> 00:22:11,560
That was my best shot.
472
00:22:11,590 --> 00:22:14,500
Like I said,
clubs aren't really my thing.
473
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,700
I will let you buy me
a big piece of chocolate cake.
474
00:22:23,140 --> 00:22:24,210
That sounds delicious,
475
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,140
but I don't think
that they serve that here.
476
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:29,480
- They don't.
- Hmm.
477
00:22:29,510 --> 00:22:31,650
You can order it
from room service.
478
00:22:34,450 --> 00:22:35,720
Second thoughts?
479
00:22:35,750 --> 00:22:37,020
Sounds tempting.
480
00:22:37,050 --> 00:22:39,090
I mean, you're...
you're gorgeous
481
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:43,390
but it doesn't really jibe
with my long-term plans.
482
00:22:43,430 --> 00:22:44,760
I see.
483
00:22:44,790 --> 00:22:46,430
We really can just eat cake.
484
00:22:48,330 --> 00:22:49,700
That would be okay with you?
485
00:22:49,730 --> 00:22:51,130
Definitely.
486
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,240
What about your friend?
487
00:22:52,270 --> 00:22:53,670
Cousin. Morris.
Don't worry.
488
00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:56,040
She always finds something
to keep herself entertained.
489
00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:57,240
Besides,
when she sees I'm gone,
490
00:22:57,270 --> 00:22:59,470
she'll just assume I went
to the hotel to be alone.
491
00:22:59,510 --> 00:23:03,880
Well, she'll only be half
right then.
492
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,660
Still can't believe
you're from Buffalo.
493
00:23:15,830 --> 00:23:18,030
Believe it or not,
it's on my birth certificate.
494
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:24,200
You really were okay
with just eating cake, huh?
495
00:23:24,230 --> 00:23:25,770
Chocolate cake has brought me
far more pleasure
496
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,400
than most men ever have.
497
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,910
Maybe you're dating
the wrong men.
498
00:24:40,410 --> 00:24:41,380
Hello?
499
00:24:41,410 --> 00:24:43,350
What the hell happened
to you last night?
500
00:24:43,380 --> 00:24:45,380
I waited in that line
for like ever
501
00:24:45,410 --> 00:24:47,850
only to not find you
when I got inside.
502
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:48,950
I never went in.
503
00:24:48,990 --> 00:24:50,090
I knew it!
504
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,290
You went running to hide
in your hotel room.
505
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,860
Well, serves you right
because we had a crazy time.
506
00:24:55,890 --> 00:24:57,260
Ooh!
507
00:24:57,290 --> 00:24:59,700
Those Cirque du Soleil people
really know how to party.
508
00:25:00,830 --> 00:25:02,730
Ow!
Hey, hold up, Dave.
509
00:25:04,470 --> 00:25:06,440
{i}Au revoir, mademoiselle.{\i}
510
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:08,970
Your Uber is on the way.
511
00:25:09,010 --> 00:25:11,940
{i}Oh, merci mon cheri, Morris.{\i}
512
00:25:11,970 --> 00:25:13,640
I will see you later, no?
513
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,080
Oh, ew, yeah.
514
00:25:15,110 --> 00:25:17,080
Oui, oui, why not?
515
00:25:17,110 --> 00:25:18,650
Hey, that Celine Dion
roleplaying thing
516
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:19,820
we did last night, yo...
517
00:25:19,850 --> 00:25:20,750
,
518
00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:22,250
mind blowing.
519
00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:28,120
{i}I have a newfound appreciation
for the French-Canadian culture.{\i}
520
00:25:29,430 --> 00:25:30,790
Do you wanna go
to a Celine Dion concert
521
00:25:30,830 --> 00:25:31,690
with me tonight?
522
00:25:31,730 --> 00:25:32,830
Are you still high?
523
00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:35,430
No, I don't wanna go anywhere.
524
00:25:35,460 --> 00:25:37,500
David, I didn't fly you
to Vegas so you could hide
525
00:25:37,530 --> 00:25:38,930
in your hotel room
and whack off
526
00:25:38,970 --> 00:25:40,470
to memories of Denise.
527
00:25:42,510 --> 00:25:43,910
{i}Not that it
matters but I wasn't by myself{\i}
528
00:25:43,940 --> 00:25:45,540
{i}last night, okay?{\i}
529
00:25:45,570 --> 00:25:47,380
Came back here with a girl
I met in line.
530
00:25:47,410 --> 00:25:48,910
Oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
531
00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:50,150
Wait. Wait, what?
532
00:25:50,180 --> 00:25:51,080
What?
533
00:25:51,110 --> 00:25:52,750
You picked up a chick in line?
534
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:53,820
Oh my God.
535
00:25:53,850 --> 00:25:54,950
Hallelujah!
536
00:25:54,980 --> 00:25:57,050
{i}David has risen from the dead{\i}
537
00:25:57,090 --> 00:25:58,320
{i}and he's back in the game,
folks!{\i}
538
00:25:58,350 --> 00:26:01,220
It's an erection,
a resurrection!
539
00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:02,760
- Morris?
- {i}Oh my God.{\i}
540
00:26:02,790 --> 00:26:03,490
{i}Which one was it?{\i}
541
00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:04,890
{i}I wanna guess, don't tell me.{\i}
542
00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:06,030
Hmm.
543
00:26:06,060 --> 00:26:08,360
Tall brunette, tight jeans,
red top.
544
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,500
Standing right in front of us?
545
00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:12,100
{i}Yes?{\i}
546
00:26:12,130 --> 00:26:14,640
Dude, I approve!
547
00:26:14,670 --> 00:26:16,470
And would totally take
that action.
548
00:26:16,510 --> 00:26:17,470
Her name is Stella.
549
00:26:17,510 --> 00:26:19,110
Believe it or not,
she's from Buffalo.
550
00:26:19,140 --> 00:26:22,310
And there wasn't supposed to be
any action, we just came back
551
00:26:22,340 --> 00:26:26,120
to the room to hang and talk,
but she was really nice
552
00:26:26,150 --> 00:26:28,120
and one thing led to another...
553
00:26:28,150 --> 00:26:29,890
And yeah, yeah, yeah?
554
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:34,620
Now, I'm so riddled with guilt,
I feel sick.
555
00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:37,260
If Denise was to ever
find out about the...
556
00:26:37,290 --> 00:26:40,260
it'd blow our shot
of getting back together.
557
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:41,360
Hm-hmm.
558
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:42,600
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
559
00:26:42,630 --> 00:26:45,540
Now, you are telling me
that you feel guilty,
560
00:26:45,570 --> 00:26:48,040
because you think
you betrayed Denise by being
561
00:26:48,070 --> 00:26:49,570
with someone else last night.
562
00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:50,870
Yes.
563
00:26:50,910 --> 00:26:52,780
Ohh, okay.
564
00:26:52,810 --> 00:26:54,540
You know what?
See somebody, Dave.
565
00:26:54,580 --> 00:26:56,750
{i}See someone immediately
with a lot of fancy diplomas{\i}
566
00:26:56,780 --> 00:26:58,810
{i}on the wall
and a very liberal approach{\i}
567
00:26:58,850 --> 00:27:00,180
to shock therapy.
568
00:27:00,220 --> 00:27:02,020
Dude, she's your ex.
569
00:27:02,050 --> 00:27:03,620
Man, your ex-girlfriend.
570
00:27:03,650 --> 00:27:05,790
Like in order
for it to be cheating,
571
00:27:05,820 --> 00:27:07,420
you have to actually be
in a relationship
572
00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:08,590
with that person.
573
00:27:08,620 --> 00:27:11,190
Like how is this concept
entirely lost on you?
574
00:27:11,230 --> 00:27:12,560
I don't expect you
to understand.
575
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,030
{i}Guilt isn't something
you're exactly familiar with.{\i}
576
00:27:15,060 --> 00:27:16,330
Hmm, all right.
577
00:27:16,370 --> 00:27:18,900
I feel guilty about
not feeling guilty,
578
00:27:18,930 --> 00:27:21,770
so, I mean, that should count
for something, right?
579
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,110
Has it ever occurred to you
that while you are feeling
580
00:27:24,140 --> 00:27:27,340
so sick over betraying Denise
that she is out there
581
00:27:27,380 --> 00:27:28,740
screwing someone else?
582
00:27:28,780 --> 00:27:32,720
I don't
even want to think about that.
583
00:27:32,750 --> 00:27:34,580
Maybe you should.
584
00:27:34,620 --> 00:27:36,050
Maybe you should, Dave!
585
00:27:36,090 --> 00:27:37,450
You know.
586
00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:40,620
You think Denise took a vow
of celibacy when she left you?
587
00:27:40,660 --> 00:27:41,890
Ha-ha, no!
588
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,260
{i}Denise is right in the middle
of her,{\i}
589
00:27:44,290 --> 00:27:47,430
"I am free to fuck
whoever I want" world tour.
590
00:27:47,460 --> 00:27:48,530
I mean, you should check
her Instagram,
591
00:27:48,570 --> 00:27:50,130
because she's probably
selling T-shirts.
592
00:27:56,670 --> 00:27:59,780
I refuse to accept
that it's over for us.
593
00:28:01,710 --> 00:28:02,850
Come back later.
594
00:28:05,010 --> 00:28:06,220
I said come back later!
595
00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:09,590
I'm getting her back, Morris.
596
00:28:09,620 --> 00:28:12,120
I'm getting Denise back.
597
00:28:12,150 --> 00:28:14,160
I give up, little cousin.
598
00:28:14,190 --> 00:28:15,960
You are living on hope
and I'm afraid
599
00:28:15,990 --> 00:28:19,130
you're gonna starve to death.
600
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,230
You can't make her love you,
Dave.
601
00:28:21,260 --> 00:28:22,670
No one can.
602
00:28:26,270 --> 00:28:27,670
This is a really good cake.
603
00:28:51,090 --> 00:28:52,560
Aah.
604
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,200
Yo!
605
00:28:56,230 --> 00:28:57,200
Hmmm...
606
00:28:57,230 --> 00:28:59,840
You keep crawling out
of the hole.
607
00:28:59,870 --> 00:29:00,500
- Oh, okay.
- Whoop!
608
00:29:00,540 --> 00:29:02,170
- Whoop!
- Bam!
609
00:29:03,570 --> 00:29:05,240
You have been hibernating
since we came back from Vegas.
610
00:29:05,270 --> 00:29:06,380
I feel much better.
611
00:29:06,410 --> 00:29:08,110
I got a new perspective
on the situation.
612
00:29:08,140 --> 00:29:09,810
- Yeah?
- Hmmm.
613
00:29:09,850 --> 00:29:11,050
Okay, now.
614
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:12,210
This...
615
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,850
This is what I like to hear,
man.
616
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:14,780
Okay.
617
00:29:14,820 --> 00:29:16,120
Listen, if it was something
that I said.
618
00:29:16,150 --> 00:29:17,250
- Mm-mm.
- You're welcome.
619
00:29:17,290 --> 00:29:20,290
But if not, I don't even care
because you are back.
620
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:22,020
We got to celebrate.
621
00:29:22,060 --> 00:29:23,230
Two shots of bourbon, please.
622
00:29:23,260 --> 00:29:25,090
And thank you.
623
00:29:25,130 --> 00:29:26,930
- That a new haircut?
- No.
624
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,400
Dude, isn't he cute?
625
00:29:29,430 --> 00:29:32,170
To my Cousin Dave.
626
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:33,340
Welcome back.
627
00:29:33,370 --> 00:29:35,170
- You were sorely missed.
- Mhmm.
628
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:36,110
- One more toast.
- Mhmm.
629
00:29:36,140 --> 00:29:37,210
To Denise.
630
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:41,240
Who at this very moment
is right across the street.
631
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:42,780
- Across the street?
- Yup.
632
00:29:42,810 --> 00:29:44,610
That's your new perspective?
633
00:29:44,650 --> 00:29:46,450
You just decided to stalk her?
634
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:50,050
No, I simply am not waiting
for her to come back.
635
00:29:50,090 --> 00:29:51,090
No more waiting.
636
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:52,220
I'm going to her.
637
00:29:52,250 --> 00:29:53,820
I called in at the florist
that she works at and said
638
00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:56,230
that she quit to go work
at Clara's Catering.
639
00:29:56,260 --> 00:29:57,560
I went over there.
640
00:29:57,590 --> 00:29:59,430
They said they're all working
at church function today.
641
00:29:59,460 --> 00:30:01,600
That church.
642
00:30:01,630 --> 00:30:04,670
So now you're gonna go
over there and just talk to her.
643
00:30:04,700 --> 00:30:06,600
- Yeah, I have to.
- Okay.
644
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,240
David, there are only
a certain few things
645
00:30:09,270 --> 00:30:13,840
that people have to do in life;
shit, breathe, eat, and sleep.
646
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:18,410
Emasculation, degradation,
uh-uh-uh-uh, humiliation,
647
00:30:18,450 --> 00:30:19,780
these are all totally voluntary.
648
00:30:19,820 --> 00:30:21,920
There's no talking me
out of this, okay?
649
00:30:21,950 --> 00:30:22,790
I have to go to her.
650
00:30:22,820 --> 00:30:24,220
I have to tell her
that I love her.
651
00:30:24,250 --> 00:30:25,320
That I would do
anything for her.
652
00:30:25,350 --> 00:30:26,690
That our love is magical.
653
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,020
Magical.
654
00:30:28,060 --> 00:30:29,090
Oh, yeah.
655
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:30,630
Can you just get some more?
656
00:30:30,660 --> 00:30:35,670
David, where did you get
this profoundly unrealistic
657
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:38,370
vision of love, man?
658
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:39,300
You know, a year ago,
659
00:30:39,340 --> 00:30:40,440
I would have said
the same thing.
660
00:30:40,470 --> 00:30:41,600
I expressed the same thing
to Denise the night
661
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:42,810
that she left me.
662
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:45,710
But she was right
and I was wrong.
663
00:30:45,740 --> 00:30:47,280
She needs that movie moment
from me.
664
00:30:47,310 --> 00:30:48,480
Mhmm.
665
00:30:48,510 --> 00:30:50,080
So, now you're gonna go
over there and see her.
666
00:30:50,110 --> 00:30:51,050
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
667
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,280
Yeah!
668
00:30:52,310 --> 00:30:54,320
This grand gesture
of love that Denise cannot
669
00:30:54,350 --> 00:30:56,090
- possibly refuse.
- Yeah!
670
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:56,890
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
671
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:57,750
Yeah.
672
00:30:57,790 --> 00:31:00,020
Okay,
I've got news for you, Davie.
673
00:31:00,060 --> 00:31:02,260
Cupid does not exist.
674
00:31:02,290 --> 00:31:03,690
He doesn't, I'm sorry.
675
00:31:03,730 --> 00:31:05,460
And if he did,
he certainly wouldn't be
676
00:31:05,490 --> 00:31:08,600
some freak pudgy guy
in a diaper running around
677
00:31:08,630 --> 00:31:10,630
bringing people together
who are destined to spend
678
00:31:10,670 --> 00:31:12,300
eternity with one another.
679
00:31:12,330 --> 00:31:13,540
I mean, think about it.
680
00:31:13,570 --> 00:31:15,610
With divorce, adultery?
681
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,410
As far as I am concerned,
he is a sick sadistic loser
682
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:19,410
with a short guy complex.
683
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,280
Hmmm.
684
00:31:21,310 --> 00:31:23,080
Okay.
685
00:31:23,110 --> 00:31:23,910
Look.
686
00:31:23,950 --> 00:31:26,420
If you're really set
on doing this,
687
00:31:26,450 --> 00:31:28,320
then just do it right.
688
00:31:28,350 --> 00:31:30,350
Talk to her,
lay it all on the line,
689
00:31:30,390 --> 00:31:35,660
but whatever happens,
you got to live with it, yeah?
690
00:31:35,690 --> 00:31:36,890
Jesus Christ.
691
00:31:36,930 --> 00:31:38,090
Okay.
692
00:31:38,130 --> 00:31:43,100
Darling, will you please,
please keep the drinks coming.
693
00:31:43,130 --> 00:31:45,270
Thank you.
694
00:31:46,300 --> 00:31:48,570
Well, if the booze
doesn't give you
695
00:31:48,610 --> 00:31:50,910
a little liquid courage,
then maybe you'll get lucky
696
00:31:50,940 --> 00:31:53,040
and pass out drunk
before you make it to the door.
697
00:32:03,450 --> 00:32:04,850
Here's to happy endings!
698
00:32:08,090 --> 00:32:09,160
So you live around here?
699
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:18,870
Are you trying to pick me up?
700
00:32:18,900 --> 00:32:20,200
What?
701
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:21,340
No, no.
702
00:32:21,370 --> 00:32:22,770
Of course not.
703
00:32:22,810 --> 00:32:25,040
Why do you wanna know
where I live?
704
00:32:25,070 --> 00:32:26,840
You wanna come around
and have a barbeque
705
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:28,610
- or something?
- Trying to make conversation.
706
00:32:28,650 --> 00:32:29,810
Try harder.
707
00:32:29,850 --> 00:32:31,310
Sorry?
708
00:32:31,350 --> 00:32:32,820
Why are you sorry?
709
00:32:32,850 --> 00:32:36,050
Sorry about my attempt
to make conversation?
710
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:39,660
Why should you be concerned
whether I find your conversation
711
00:32:39,690 --> 00:32:40,820
interesting or not?
712
00:32:40,860 --> 00:32:41,760
I'm not.
713
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:44,230
Do I know you?
714
00:32:44,260 --> 00:32:46,030
Do you think you know me?
715
00:32:46,060 --> 00:32:47,200
No, but...
716
00:32:47,230 --> 00:32:48,960
Then you probably don't.
717
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,370
Don't you have to do
something somewhere?
718
00:32:57,410 --> 00:32:59,040
Ah...
719
00:32:59,070 --> 00:33:00,140
Oh!
720
00:33:00,180 --> 00:33:01,040
Yeah.
721
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,550
Then go do it.
722
00:33:03,580 --> 00:33:05,080
Yeah.
723
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:47,620
Excuse me.
724
00:33:47,660 --> 00:33:49,790
I'm looking for Denise,
Denise Rubino?
725
00:33:49,830 --> 00:33:51,530
Someone said
she was working here today?
726
00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:53,030
Not today she isn't.
727
00:33:55,060 --> 00:33:57,300
Hey, I just said
she wasn't working today.
728
00:33:57,330 --> 00:33:59,500
I didn't say she wasn't here.
729
00:33:59,540 --> 00:34:02,470
Be careful,
this place is a maze.
730
00:34:02,510 --> 00:34:04,370
You may not find your way back.
731
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:16,790
Well, was I right?
732
00:34:16,820 --> 00:34:18,720
She looks like a fairy tale.
733
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:19,560
Aw.
734
00:34:24,330 --> 00:34:27,430
Oh shit!
735
00:34:27,460 --> 00:34:28,700
What was that?
736
00:34:34,540 --> 00:34:36,200
David?
737
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:37,740
David Steinbeck.
738
00:34:37,770 --> 00:34:39,010
Oh God.
739
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,210
Oh, boy.
740
00:34:40,240 --> 00:34:41,040
Dave?
741
00:34:42,710 --> 00:34:43,650
Excuse me.
742
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:44,750
How long has he been like this?
743
00:34:44,780 --> 00:34:48,120
About half hour, 45 minutes?
744
00:34:48,150 --> 00:34:50,620
Maybe he's autistic
or something.
745
00:34:50,650 --> 00:34:52,250
PTSD.
746
00:34:52,290 --> 00:34:54,720
My uncle looked just like that
when he came back from Nam.
747
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,460
When you're finished
diagnosing the patient,
748
00:34:56,490 --> 00:34:57,890
can I have another one?
749
00:34:57,930 --> 00:34:59,460
- Hmm.
- Hey.
750
00:34:59,490 --> 00:35:00,460
Hi, it's me Morris.
751
00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:02,430
Try to remember why you left me
the voicemail?
752
00:35:02,460 --> 00:35:04,930
All I could make out
was some grunting and something
753
00:35:04,970 --> 00:35:06,440
about fucking Faye Dunaway.
754
00:35:06,470 --> 00:35:07,900
Denise's fucking wedding day.
755
00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:08,840
What?
Come again?
756
00:35:08,870 --> 00:35:12,410
Denise's fucking wedding day!
757
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,880
Oh.
758
00:35:14,910 --> 00:35:16,880
I mean, that does sound
like fucking Faye Dunaway.
759
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:19,450
She's getting married.
760
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,720
Morris, she's getting married
in just a couple of hours.
761
00:35:22,750 --> 00:35:24,790
What did she
say when she saw you?
762
00:35:24,820 --> 00:35:26,860
She didn't see me, I ran away.
763
00:35:26,890 --> 00:35:28,760
Yeah, play hard to get, that's...
764
00:35:28,790 --> 00:35:31,290
Well, listen, Dave.
765
00:35:31,330 --> 00:35:32,800
I know this won't
make sense right now
766
00:35:32,830 --> 00:35:34,830
and it might not make sense
for a very long time
767
00:35:34,860 --> 00:35:36,700
but I promise,
this is the best thing
768
00:35:36,730 --> 00:35:39,130
that could ever happened to you.
769
00:35:39,170 --> 00:35:41,240
My soul mate is getting married
and you think
770
00:35:41,270 --> 00:35:43,540
that this the best thing
that could ever happen to me?
771
00:35:43,570 --> 00:35:44,710
Yeah, I absolutely do.
772
00:35:44,740 --> 00:35:46,440
- And you wanna know why?
- No!
773
00:35:48,780 --> 00:35:51,880
Why is she marrying
someone else?
774
00:35:51,910 --> 00:35:54,880
This is just a stab
in the dark, but,
775
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:56,820
I mean, maybe she is in love
with the guy.
776
00:35:56,850 --> 00:35:59,490
Oh, no, no.
777
00:36:01,890 --> 00:36:03,160
All right, you know what?
Let's go.
778
00:36:03,190 --> 00:36:04,790
We got to get you
at least a 100 feet away
779
00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:06,130
from wherever Denise
is getting married.
780
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,430
- All right.
- Come on.
781
00:36:07,460 --> 00:36:08,600
You have to help me
to the men's room first.
782
00:36:08,630 --> 00:36:09,700
I'mma throw up.
783
00:36:09,730 --> 00:36:10,930
Okay, we can do that.
784
00:36:10,970 --> 00:36:12,570
We can do that.
785
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:14,040
Here we go.
Come on.
786
00:36:14,070 --> 00:36:14,800
Oh, boy.
787
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:16,540
Come on.
788
00:36:16,570 --> 00:36:17,840
Okay.
789
00:36:17,870 --> 00:36:18,840
There we go.
790
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:20,010
There we go.
791
00:36:25,250 --> 00:36:28,220
Well, ain't it just
nice to have someone to lean on
792
00:36:28,250 --> 00:36:29,850
in time of need.
793
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,620
Weren't you just sitting down
at the bar?
794
00:36:34,660 --> 00:36:36,030
You're the piss monitor?
795
00:36:36,060 --> 00:36:37,030
No.
796
00:36:37,060 --> 00:36:40,030
I just... I didn't see you
get up or walk by.
797
00:36:40,060 --> 00:36:41,900
I'm the fucking invisible man.
798
00:36:41,930 --> 00:36:43,530
Now, can I get past you
to my drink, please
799
00:36:43,570 --> 00:36:46,940
or do I have to wait
until he pukes on my kicks?
800
00:36:50,540 --> 00:36:53,310
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
54986
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
