Original subtitles

Oh, Jared.

It's so beautiful.

No, you're so beautiful.

There's no one else I'd rather spend

the rest of my life with.

My love, will you...

She's not for you.

What the hell?

Pow!

- Hey! - Oh.

That ring costs me 10 grand.

You were robbed.

And besides, I've saved you

a lot more than that.

And as for you, honey, you can do far better than him.

Ah.

Ha-ha!

Still alive?

Hey!

Hey!

Rise and shine!

Wow!

What a dinner.

That's got to be the best Italian in the city.

I uh, kind of wanted sushi tonight but...

Oh, how good was the pasta, huh, babe?

I think the chef's from Sicily.

Tuscany.

And it's just so simple, you know,

just chicken and mushrooms, and spinach.

I think the recipe was a lot more complicated

than that but...

Makes you wonder why you'd ever want to eat

anywhere else.

We should take your parents there next week.

We really shouldn't.

Spare some change.

Very generous.

Here, take this, too.

The chef's from Sicily.

Tuscany.

Enjoy.

Uh, could use something to wash it down with.

Here.

Take this.

My man.

I thought he might be hungry.

That was sweet, Dave.

You know, uh, we should try to make

some of that pasta.

Shut up about the pasta.

It wasn't that fucking good.

- It wasn't? - No.

Yes.

I mean, like it was and then it wasn't,

you know what I mean?

Not really.

Um, I'm sorry I can't do this anymore.

Do what anymore?

Denise, do what anymore?

The... this.

You. Us.

Like...

Denise, what are you saying?

I... I'm saying goodbye.

I'm breaking up with you.

What? What?

- Why? - Because I don't love you.

Yes, you do.

You've told me tons of times.

Well, I... I was wrong.

But what about us getting married

after I graduate law school like we talked about?

I'm sorry, Dave, I'm just not feeling it.

Feeling what?

That spark.

You know, that magical moment a girl's supposed to feel.

Like, it wasn't there from the start.

Sure, it was.

It was very magical when we met.

We met at the DMV.

I let you cut in front of me.

Uh.

- Nobody does that at the DMV. - Okay.

Just... just try to understand, okay?

So when I was a little girl, I grew up watching

all these movies and there was always

this magic moment.

{i}Belle and {i}Beauty and the Beast had it and...

Oh, oh, and Demi Moore in {i}Ghost.

God, even Sarah Connor in the {i}Terminator had it.

I... I just don't feel that with you.

Oh, come on, say something.

So you can't be in love with someone

unless they're a ghost, a monster or someone

sent back in time to protect you from a cyborg assassin.

Exactly.

- Oh, you got it. - No!

I don't got it at all.

Life's not like the movies where there's this big

dramatic moment with all the bells and whistles

or getting hit by cupid's arrow when you meet someone.

Okay, I want there to be.

Oh, Denise.

Be reasonable.

Love isn't supposed to be reasonable.

But I'd do anything for you.

Would you though?

Like would you really?

Of course, I would.

Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Dave.

She got one thing right, pasta was good,

but it wasn't that fucking good.

Aww.

{i}Hey! Why isn't the game on?

Huh?

I just called in two large with my bookie.

Okay.

Yeah, bitch! Come on!

Run!

Ooh, run!

Touchdown!

Cover the spread, baby.

That's another big win for me.

And when I, Cousin Marissa, a.k.a. Morris the Magnificent

the Mo Money, the Big Mo Pho-Wins,

say it with me, cuz.

- I don't care! - We all win.

You don't care.

What the fuck?

What do you mean you don't care?

What are you looking at?

My calendar.

It's been exactly a year since Denise and I broke up.

Uh, you didn't break up.

She dumped you in front of a homeless man.

What?

You have the date circled with a little heart drawn

- cracked in half? - No!

I just...

It was a rhetorical fucking question.

My God!

All right!

Oh, if I had known this was gonna be a pity party,

I would have brought over a couple of bottles of wine,

some razors and we could have gotten drunk

and shaved our vaginas together.

I thought we're gonna watch football.

You do know what you're doing, don't you?

Yes! I do, Morris!

I'm missing the girl I love.

Not missing, clinging.

And as far as I am concerned, that is the kind

of emotional behavior that makes me wanna disown you

from the family or at the very least

punch you in the face.

I can't help it if I'm not over our breakup.

Again, not break up because she dumped you.

What difference does it make?

You're idealizing the relationship

and you are idolizing her.

Do you think that she decided that night to end things?

Anytime a woman breaks up with you,

that is months in the making.

Years, even.

I mean, men are just too stupid to see it coming.

And what do you know about it?

I mean, your longest relationship has lasted

no longer than a night.

Okay, you're exaggerating a little bit.

I mean, like three, four hours tops.

Pretty much midway through the third orgasm

I am calling an Uber.

Davey, look.

You had her, you lost her, and now she's gone.

Yeah?

Besides, if you really wanna pay Denise back,

best and most effective way to do that is to live

a happily ever after without her.

It's not about paying her back.

I just want her back.

I'm never gonna find someone as good as her again.

Bullshit!

The world is filled with beautiful women.

I should know.

I have dated half of them.

Do you mean to tell me that your tiny corner

of Buffalo, New York turned out the best

possible girl for you?

Your soul mate?

I don't think it, I know it.

All right, well, all I know is that this is not the Dave

that I know.

This is not the kid whose butt I wiped,

coddled, and kicked while growing up

and molded into a guy that was cool enough

to hang out with me, you know what I mean?

My Dave would never have fallen so hard

that he couldn't get back up again.

What can I say?

She's the one.

Well, so what are you gonna do about it?

Hmm?

Gonna be miserable the rest of your life?

I don't know.

Give me your cell phone.

- What? - What?

- What? - Phone.

No! Why?

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Oh my God!

You still have this picture on your phone?

Wow!

When a selfie can capture true love like this,

you have got to take pause.

How many likes did this get again?

Can I have my phone back, please?

Dave, this is for your own good.

Please!

I'm begging you, move the fuck on!

I can't! Okay?

I'm in too much pain.

No!

That is pain.

Do not confuse it with misery.

That hurt!

Just illustrating a crucial point.

Pain is transitory.

In a few minutes you are gonna feel much better,

but you're still going to be miserable.

I bet you have like a thousand photos of Denise

- on this phone. - Morris!

- Morris! No! - Yup!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Morris!

Let's just give it a second to get a nice sear.

Damn it, Morris!

Ah, yes!

Yeah, smells done to me.

Oh.

Medium rare.

Aah.

It's all backed up on the Cloud, anyway.

Oh, the Cloud.

Well, Dave, that is beyond my reach.

It is up to the gods now to figure out

what to do with you.

Whoop! Brrr, it's cold!

Fuck!

Maybe give me a break, okay?

You know, show like a little bit of sympathy.

David, you are like a brother to me

and I would take a bullet for you,

but I will give you nothing that I haven't given you before,

which is the hard truth and tough love.

So what if I have hope and I'm still holding on to it?

You're a gambler, you have hunches you stick with,

kind of the same thing, right?

No, no, no, no. I am a winning gambler.

I don't play hunches, I play the odds.

I play with statistical probability

and scientific facts.

Where is the evidence that Denise wants you back, huh?

Just because you want her back, too?

No. There just still has to be a chance.

Sure there is.

Why don't you give her a call?

Later.

The least you can do is say sorry.

You're a real asshole, you know.

You should clean that up.

You hipsters have already done enough

to ruin the neighborhood.

Good morning, Mrs. Fishbaum.

Perfect timing.

Onion bagels just came out of the oven.

Do you know that poppy seed shows up as heroin

in your blood?

My son's a doctor.

He tells me these things.

That's very interesting.

I wouldn't want you to fail a drug test, David,

because you ate a poppy seed bagel before.

I appreciate the tip, I will try to keep that in mind.

A young man like you must do a lot of drugs

to still work as a bagel boy.

As I mentioned before, this is just

a temporary situation while I'm still

in law school, Mrs. F.

Do you know that this coffee shop

used to be a part of the old neighborhood

Jewish Community Center?

I met my husband right at that table.

Do you know what I hope for, David?

I hope I'll see him sitting there again.

What would you say to him?

Oh, I love you.

I hate you.

Oh, I miss you.

- I'm horny. - Okay.

All right.

Yeah, send an ambulance to the corner of Grant

and Elmwood, there's been an accident.

David, have you ever met my granddaughter?

Too bad for you, David, she's gay.

Based on her past relationships,

she has very low standards.

In fact, she would have gone out with you even though

you just make bagels for living.

Just a temporary situation, Mrs. F.

I don't do as many drugs as you, but I do smoke marijuana

for my arthritis, my glaucoma.

Maybe we could get high together sometime.

Hmm?

On second thought, you probably couldn't handle

the shit I smoke.

Mrs. Fishbaum, I bet Snoop Dogg

couldn't handle the shit you smoke.

Let's get this show on the road.

Love!

Fuck!

Oh my God, I am so sorry.

Are you all right?

I am now.

Hello.

If you came here to give me more grief, go home.

- I don't need it. - No.

I came here to apologize.

I was really rough on you and I am sorry.

You cremated my damn cell phone.

Let me make amends.

Fly to Vegas with me.

Dude, I will take care of everything.

We can leave tonight.

I can't just fly to Vegas, okay?

Unlike you, I have responsibilities.

Oh, come on, I'm trying to make nice here.

Vegas will make you forget all about the fact

that you don't have Denise to fuck anymore.

Huh?

Oh, he is a very smooth lover.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm his cousin, so I wouldn't know but...

enjoy your latte.

Why must you reduce everything to its basis element?

Mm, at its basis,

not having sex with Denise is what you miss the most.

Well, it's not.

It's much more than that.

All right, it's her.

Okay, you're telling me, Denise comes walking

through that door right now, she says, "Dave, I'm back,

but you can never sleep with me again."

You're honestly gonna accept that?

You cannot be that far gone?

Can you?

No, I'm not, but that's not the point.

It is the only point that matter.

Stay!

David!

If you don't believe me, maybe you will believe

the magic bagel.

Whoomp!

Whoomp!

The magic bagel sees all and tells all,

"Come boy.

Come, come, come.

The magic bagel will not be denied."

You are certifiable.

- Okay, you looking? - Yes, I'm looking.

Well, now, magic bagel predicts that you will have

an amazing time in Vegas.

And in fact, if you don't, a curse will befall you

and you might end up dead or worse have no fun.

Wow.

Magic bagel doesn't lie.

Life is short, Dave, and you only get one.

Get on with the good times, huh?

Ew, gross.

Never again.

Well, never again.

You know, it's been a year since Dave and I broke up.

You mean it's been a year since you dumped him

in front of a homeless man?

He was a great guy, though.

Yeah, a great guy who you may think

you would marry and then kicked in the gut

and ripped his heart out.

Well, I don't understand why he never tried

to see me again.

I'm just saying.

What if I made the wrong decision?

What if there's something left unfinished between me and Dave?

Denise!

Girl, I'm your best friend.

I support you a thousand percent.

I know it's an emotional time for you right now

and your heart can play tricks on you.

But if you think your subconscious is really

telling you something, maybe you should listen.

Now pay attention.

There are a lot of hotties here.

Ooh, anxious to help you mend your broken heart

just so they can experience the sheer joy of smashing it

into pieces again.

Perfect.

Can you just try to forget about your depressing obsession

with Denise for a little while and have some fun?

Fun, fun, fun!

Remind me what's so fun about approaching one girl

after another, yelling some bogus rap

over loud music in the hopes that she'll give me the honor

of buying her a drink, which she'll likely refuse,

anyway.

I guarantee you, every girl in there

will let you buy her a drink.

Yeah? And why is that?

Hmm, 30 bucks each, they will let you buy them two.

Yeah? Why not?

Broke, heartbroken, and I got to wait in line

an hour for some place that I don't wanna be in?

You know what?

You're right, this line does suck.

And I am far from wasted enough not to care.

Yeah. All right, I'm gonna take a walk,

smoke some, play a little blackjack

while you hold our place in line.

Dude, if you want, you can come with,

we can get back and do this later.

Just go.

I don't wanna prolong this torture any longer

than I have to.

How are you related to me?

Oh my God.

You know, if it were me trying to get over somebody,

getting high sounds like a pretty good start.

I can hold your place in line.

Thanks. Uh, I think I'll wait it out here.

You know, long lines are actually why

I sometimes go clubbing.

- Seriously? - Sure.

Best place to meet somebody isn't inside where it's nothing

but bullshit pickup lines from conceited jerks

trying to act cool.

It's out here.

Before everyone has a chance to put their club faces on.

So if we were in there, you'd think I was a jerk

but out here, I'm still a contender?

I don't know yet.

How convincing is your club face?

Hey, baby.

How would you like to have a drink with the king?

Elvis, really?

Are you trying to pick up my grandmother?

You can't say no to Elvis in Vegas.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

How's this?

I couldn't help but notice you from the moment

I saw you outside in line.

I think it's your smile or maybe your eyes.

But whatever it is,

I'd really like to buy you a drink.

And who's that supposed to be?

Just me.

Not bad, just you.

I'm still not letting you buy me a drink though.

No, again?

That was my best shot.

Like I said, clubs aren't really my thing.

I will let you buy me a big piece of chocolate cake.

That sounds delicious,

but I don't think that they serve that here.

- They don't. - Hmm.

You can order it from room service.

Second thoughts?

Sounds tempting.

I mean, you're... you're gorgeous

but it doesn't really jibe with my long-term plans.

I see.

We really can just eat cake.

That would be okay with you?

Definitely.

What about your friend?

Cousin. Morris. Don't worry.

She always finds something to keep herself entertained.

Besides, when she sees I'm gone,

she'll just assume I went to the hotel to be alone.

Well, she'll only be half right then.

Still can't believe you're from Buffalo.

Believe it or not, it's on my birth certificate.

You really were okay with just eating cake, huh?

Chocolate cake has brought me far more pleasure

than most men ever have.

Maybe you're dating the wrong men.

Hello?

What the hell happened to you last night?

I waited in that line for like ever

only to not find you when I got inside.

I never went in.

I knew it!

You went running to hide in your hotel room.

Well, serves you right because we had a crazy time.

Ooh!

Those Cirque du Soleil people really know how to party.

Ow! Hey, hold up, Dave.

{i}Au revoir, mademoiselle.

Your Uber is on the way.

{i}Oh, merci mon cheri, Morris.

I will see you later, no?

Oh, ew, yeah.

Oui, oui, why not?

Hey, that Celine Dion roleplaying thing

we did last night, yo...

,

mind blowing.

{i}I have a newfound appreciation for the French-Canadian culture.

Do you wanna go to a Celine Dion concert

with me tonight?

Are you still high?

No, I don't wanna go anywhere.

David, I didn't fly you to Vegas so you could hide

in your hotel room and whack off

to memories of Denise.

{i}Not that it matters but I wasn't by myself

{i}last night, okay?

Came back here with a girl I met in line.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait. Wait, what?

What?

You picked up a chick in line?

Oh my God.

Hallelujah!

{i}David has risen from the dead

{i}and he's back in the game, folks!

It's an erection, a resurrection!

- Morris? - {i}Oh my God.

{i}Which one was it?

{i}I wanna guess, don't tell me.

Hmm.

Tall brunette, tight jeans, red top.

Standing right in front of us?

{i}Yes?

Dude, I approve!

And would totally take that action.

Her name is Stella.

Believe it or not, she's from Buffalo.

And there wasn't supposed to be any action, we just came back

to the room to hang and talk, but she was really nice

and one thing led to another...

And yeah, yeah, yeah?

Now, I'm so riddled with guilt, I feel sick.

If Denise was to ever find out about the...

it'd blow our shot of getting back together.

Hm-hmm.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Now, you are telling me that you feel guilty,

because you think you betrayed Denise by being

with someone else last night.

Yes.

Ohh, okay.

You know what? See somebody, Dave.

{i}See someone immediately with a lot of fancy diplomas

{i}on the wall and a very liberal approach

to shock therapy.

Dude, she's your ex.

Man, your ex-girlfriend.

Like in order for it to be cheating,

you have to actually be in a relationship

with that person.

Like how is this concept entirely lost on you?

I don't expect you to understand.

{i}Guilt isn't something you're exactly familiar with.

Hmm, all right.

I feel guilty about not feeling guilty,

so, I mean, that should count for something, right?

Has it ever occurred to you that while you are feeling

so sick over betraying Denise that she is out there

screwing someone else?

I don't even want to think about that.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you should, Dave!

You know.

You think Denise took a vow of celibacy when she left you?

Ha-ha, no!

{i}Denise is right in the middle of her,

"I am free to fuck whoever I want" world tour.

I mean, you should check her Instagram,

because she's probably selling T-shirts.

I refuse to accept that it's over for us.

Come back later.

I said come back later!

I'm getting her back, Morris.

I'm getting Denise back.

I give up, little cousin.

You are living on hope and I'm afraid

you're gonna starve to death.

You can't make her love you, Dave.

No one can.

This is a really good cake.

Aah.

Yo!

Hmmm...

You keep crawling out of the hole.

- Oh, okay. - Whoop!

- Whoop! - Bam!

You have been hibernating since we came back from Vegas.

I feel much better.

I got a new perspective on the situation.

- Yeah? - Hmmm.

Okay, now.

This...

This is what I like to hear, man.

Okay.

Listen, if it was something that I said.

- Mm-mm. - You're welcome.

But if not, I don't even care because you are back.

We got to celebrate.

Two shots of bourbon, please.

And thank you.

- That a new haircut? - No.

Dude, isn't he cute?

To my Cousin Dave.

Welcome back.

- You were sorely missed. - Mhmm.

- One more toast. - Mhmm.

To Denise.

Who at this very moment is right across the street.

- Across the street? - Yup.

That's your new perspective?

You just decided to stalk her?

No, I simply am not waiting for her to come back.

No more waiting.

I'm going to her.

I called in at the florist that she works at and said

that she quit to go work at Clara's Catering.

I went over there.

They said they're all working at church function today.

That church.

So now you're gonna go over there and just talk to her.

- Yeah, I have to. - Okay.

David, there are only a certain few things

that people have to do in life; shit, breathe, eat, and sleep.

Emasculation, degradation, uh-uh-uh-uh, humiliation,

these are all totally voluntary.

There's no talking me out of this, okay?

I have to go to her.

I have to tell her that I love her.

That I would do anything for her.

That our love is magical.

Magical.

Oh, yeah.

Can you just get some more?

David, where did you get this profoundly unrealistic

vision of love, man?

You know, a year ago,

I would have said the same thing.

I expressed the same thing to Denise the night

that she left me.

But she was right and I was wrong.

She needs that movie moment from me.

Mhmm.

So, now you're gonna go over there and see her.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah!

This grand gesture of love that Denise cannot

- possibly refuse. - Yeah!

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Yeah.

Okay, I've got news for you, Davie.

Cupid does not exist.

He doesn't, I'm sorry.

And if he did, he certainly wouldn't be

some freak pudgy guy in a diaper running around

bringing people together who are destined to spend

eternity with one another.

I mean, think about it.

With divorce, adultery?

As far as I am concerned, he is a sick sadistic loser

with a short guy complex.

Hmmm.

Okay.

Look.

If you're really set on doing this,

then just do it right.

Talk to her, lay it all on the line,

but whatever happens, you got to live with it, yeah?

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Darling, will you please, please keep the drinks coming.

Thank you.

Well, if the booze doesn't give you

a little liquid courage, then maybe you'll get lucky

and pass out drunk before you make it to the door.

Here's to happy endings!

So you live around here?

Are you trying to pick me up?

What?

No, no.

Of course not.

Why do you wanna know where I live?

You wanna come around and have a barbeque

- or something? - Trying to make conversation.

Try harder.

Sorry?

Why are you sorry?

Sorry about my attempt to make conversation?

Why should you be concerned whether I find your conversation

interesting or not?

I'm not.

Do I know you?

Do you think you know me?

No, but...

Then you probably don't.

Don't you have to do something somewhere?

Ah...

Oh!

Yeah.

Then go do it.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Denise, Denise Rubino?

Someone said she was working here today?

Not today she isn't.

Hey, I just said she wasn't working today.

I didn't say she wasn't here.

Be careful, this place is a maze.

You may not find your way back.

Well, was I right?

She looks like a fairy tale.

Aw.

Oh shit!

What was that?

David?

David Steinbeck.

Oh God.

Oh, boy.

Dave?

Excuse me.

How long has he been like this?

About half hour, 45 minutes?

Maybe he's autistic or something.

PTSD.

My uncle looked just like that when he came back from Nam.

When you're finished diagnosing the patient,

can I have another one?

- Hmm. - Hey.

Hi, it's me Morris.

Try to remember why you left me the voicemail?

All I could make out was some grunting and something

about fucking Faye Dunaway.

Denise's fucking wedding day.

What? Come again?

Denise's fucking wedding day!

Oh.

I mean, that does sound like fucking Faye Dunaway.

She's getting married.

Morris, she's getting married in just a couple of hours.

What did she say when she saw you?

She didn't see me, I ran away.

Yeah, play hard to get, that's...

Well, listen, Dave.

I know this won't make sense right now

and it might not make sense for a very long time

but I promise, this is the best thing

that could ever happened to you.

My soul mate is getting married and you think

that this the best thing that could ever happen to me?

Yeah, I absolutely do.

- And you wanna know why? - No!

Why is she marrying someone else?

This is just a stab in the dark, but,

I mean, maybe she is in love with the guy.

Oh, no, no.

All right, you know what? Let's go.

We got to get you at least a 100 feet away

from wherever Denise is getting married.

- All right. - Come on.

You have to help me to the men's room first.

I'mma throw up.

Okay, we can do that.

We can do that.

Here we go. Come on.

Oh, boy.

Come on.

Okay.

There we go.

There we go.

Well, ain't it just nice to have someone to lean on

in time of need.

Weren't you just sitting down at the bar?

You're the piss monitor?

No.

I just... I didn't see you get up or walk by.

I'm the fucking invisible man.

Now, can I get past you to my drink, please

or do I have to wait until he pukes on my kicks?

- Excuse me. - Okay.