Original subtitles

Ah, but you didn't actually mean that.

- I did. - No, no, no, no, no.

What you meant was you would do anything

as long as it was simple, neat, and nobody got hurt.

Yeah. Is there something wrong with that?

Oh, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Except for the fact that the bloody world

doesn't work that way!

This is the way the world fucking works!

You pollyannish shithead!

Nobody curious?

It's from Denise.

Oh, no!

Ooh!

"Know I made you promise not to see me before wedding

but where are you?

You should have been here by now.

#coldfeet?

LOL."

Oh, L-O-L.

I love that.

Oh!

Oh, wow!

And she's given him an emoji kissy face.

Oh, I fucking love those.

Do you get a lot of those?

Oh, I love it.

Does she ever do that with you?

Hey, Dave!

How about we send Denise a nice message?

L-O-L.

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Look. Okay.

Look, I appreciate what you're doing,

I really do. Thank you.

You're... you're very terrific, obviously insane,

but caring guy to take the time to help me out,

but I've changed my mind.

I'm over Denise, I don't want her anymore,

so just let him go.

We'll all go on our merry way.

Nobody's going on their merry way.

No.

Oh, come on, Dave, live in the real world.

Do you think Henry here is gonna forget

all about this if we close shop and run?

Yeah, he will.

You will, won't you?

See?

- You trust him? - Yeah, sure.

Well, shouldn't you get to know him a bit more

before you trust him?

I... I don't think that that's necessary.

Well, I do think it's necessary.

All right, let's find a few

trust-making questions, shall we?

Oh, one immediately comes to mind.

Why don't you ask him when did you start

fucking Denise?

What?

When did you start sleeping with Denise?

I'm not asking him that.

Okay, okay, let's try it a different way.

When did you and Denise break up?

I don't remember.

Come on.

You obsess over this girl 24/7 and you can't remember

when you broke up?

Well, let's pull it up the ether, shall we?

So say about 12 months ago.

How did you know that?

One question at a time, Dave.

And right now...

Now, the pertinent question is

when did you first start fucking Denise?

Henry, focus, focus,

because I'm only gonna ask you nicely once.

It's two years.

Two years ago.

Two years ago?

Wait a minute, my maths.

Let's see, that means you were fucking her

one year before she dumped you.

He's lying.

Oh, he can't be lying, you trust him.

Say you're lying, you son of a bitch.

Admit that you're lying.

Maybe we can ask him a few more interesting...

- Say that you're lying! - Hey! Hey!

All right, you can stop.

You made your point, you can stop.

Oh, oh.

Okay. All right.

No more questions.

Sorry, Henry, that means we don't need

any more answers.

So thank you, Henry, you did well.

You did very well.

Who are you, for real?

I wanna know exactly who you are.

Sincerely, I don't think it's a good idea

to mess with this guy, okay?

Is it okay to come in?

Just one more minute, sir.

Thank you.

Right, thank you.

I...

Good, good.

Okay, you can do this.

Good.

Good.

You can come in now, sir.

Come in, sir.

Come in.

Oh, pay no attention to the girl.

This is a unisex bathroom.

Okay.

Feel free to launch when necessary.

Oh, I know that feeling.

- Oh. - Oh, yes.

Ah, don't worry about this new crew in training.

Ah.

Going well, hey?

Okay.

Are you still choking that python, sir?

Yes, sir, you take your time.

Oh, I'm good.

- Good? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes!

Oh.

Boy, you needed that.

- Whoo. - Oh-ho.

Wash the hands.

Good, man.

For you, sir.

What the fuck is going on?

Allow me.

Why, thank you, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

And in return, let me give you this.

It will bring you good luck.

You come back in a few beers now.

Oh, Jesus.

Right.

Now, very soon we will have an avalanche

of happy-hour misfits descending on the place.

So I think we should split and then reconvene

somewhere else to consider our next move.

Next move?

What next move?

Now, I think we'll use your place.

We are not reconvening at my place.

Yes. Now, my car is only a little coupe,

won't take four.

The other one's had a fender bender,

so we'll be using your car as well.

Oh, and one more thing, just in case you two

were thinking of doing something stupid,

but you were hesitating because you thought

that I might be armed.

And yes, I am armed.

And this is not a toilet roll.

All right.

All right, why don't we all go back

to your place and we will deal with everything from there.

- Are we agreed on that? - Yeah.

- Good. - Agreed?

Ah-uh-uh...

What are we gonna do with him?

Henry? Oh, we got to take Henry with us.

I'm not bringing him back to my apartment.

I promise you he will not bleed on your upholstery,

will you, Henry?

See? Right.

Okay.

Untie him now.

Come on! Untie him!

Oh, Jesus.

Well, how are we gonna get him out of here

without attracting attention?

You think anyone would notice in this place?

However, this is what we're going to do.

Henry and I are going to very calmly walk out of here.

Of course, my gun is gonna be

in the base of his spine.

Right, Henry?

Okay.

You're not gonna scream or shout or anything like that,

are you?

Good boy.

Thank you, Henry.

You don't need that anymore.

Okay?

Now, Henry, stand up.

Straight.

Very good.

Extend that arm.

All right.

Very good.

Now, then, very slowly, like old friend.

- You're feeling good, Henry? - Yeah.

- Sure? - Mmm.

Good man.

1, 2...

Oh, uh now, you two will count to 10

and follow calmly walking through the front door,

okay?

Because I will be counting as well

and you don't want me to get to 11, right?

Right, Henry?

Right.

Good.

Come on, Henry.

Oh, Henry, a favor please?

Could you shut this door behind you?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Manners maketh man.

And you...

Poof.

7, 8, 9...

Great automobile you've got here, Dave.

Myself, I've got a classic 1940 Ford Coupe, superb condition.

Could use a bigger trunk though.

What do you say, Henry?

You know, it's been some years

since I've been in the car-buying market,

but I would like your opinion, David.

How do you stand on the question,

lease or buy?

Hmm?

We're in the middle of a kidnapping

and you wanna know my opinion on whether to buy or lease?

I think if I were shopping, I would definitely be

a lease man.

You know, new and shiny is wonderful but it wears off

and then you've got all those maintenance costs.

Frankly, I think you just better walk away

and leave all that bullshit.

- Lease man? Really? - Hmm.

Personally, I think you're a crazy man.

Dave.

Dave, do be civil.

Come on now.

I'm just... I'm just trying to conduct a nice conversation.

You wanna make conversation?

Isn't it about time you tell us who you are?

I mean is this what you do for a living?

Living?

When you file a tax return where it says profession,

do you put deranged violent kidnapper in the name of love

or is torturing people you don't know just a hobby?

Do I look like someone who files a tax return?

Ah, relax, kids.

You're not in the hands of an amateur.

I have done this many times.

Many, many, many times.

In fact, sometimes I think I've been doing it forever.

So as I get older, if you think I'm getting

a little more rough, if I'm not quite exuding

that enthusiasm that once I exuded,

if I'm not doing everything with a sweet smile anymore,

it's because I'm so fucking tired of dealing

with you fucking morons!

Yeah, forget it.

Forget, forget what I said.

Forget what I said.

Put some music on, maybe it'll soothe

the savage beast.

Amen to that.

If music be the food of love, play on.

Give me a playlist.

Give me excess of it, that surfeiting the appetite

may sicken and so die.

Coldplay?

The Scientists?

Huh, sad.

The Cure?

Pictures of You?

Oh, depressing.

Pinocchio?

Wish Upon a Star.

Pinocchio?

Is this your pending suicide playlist?

Right?

Count 12 months of this, it is a cry for help, isn't it?

A cry for help?

This isn't a fucking cry for help,

this is a scream valve.

Here, take the gun. Do it.

Blow your brains out now.

Come on. Let's save us all.

- Come on! - Hey!

Come on! Let's do it.

Even before the breakup, his choice in music

was very depressing.

Oh.

- Hey, Denise loved my music. - Okay.

What are you laughing at?

Wait a minute, we have another music critic

in the car with us as well.

Henry, I bet you and Denise have a very special song,

don't you?

Henry, what is it?

Henry!

I did promise Dave that there wouldn't be

any blood on the upholstery but that doesn't exclude

internal bleeding.

What's the song?

- Marvin Gaye, Sexual Healing. - No!

- No! - Oh, take it easy.

Hey!

Oh, I love it!

Man, you must really love her.

Not that it's any of your fucking business

but yes, I do.

I love her.

Don't you?

I mean, you're the guy in the tux.

Yeah, I mean... I mean I love her

but I'm not sure I love her as much as that guy.

Hey.

Well, you better be sure, because if you think

you're a prisoner now, just wait till you're married,

you... you could be looking back on being stuffed down a toilet

and beaten up as the best part of your life.

If you're not sure you love her that much,

then why are you marrying her?

You know how it is.

She's... truth is we don't really

have that much in common except for... you know.

Marvin.

Ah, well, it sounds to me as if the groom here

is having second thoughts.

It would be amazing, ey, if this kidnapping

turned out to be a rescue mission.

Okay, Henry, you sit down there.

And if you promise that you will not move

until I tell you, I will not tie you up again.

Anyone want something to drink?

I'm not hosting a party, okay?

I wanna get this over with as soon as possible.

I'll take a beer.

And I'm famished.

Is there anywhere around here we can order in?

Yes. There is a great deli just right up the street.

- I mean... - Hmm.

But are they quick?

'Cause we haven't got much time, yeah?

We got to get Dave back to the church.

What?

I thought we were coming here to discuss what to do next.

Dave?

Well, we have discussed the next move

and the next move is this, you are going to see Denise.

You understand that nothing can happen until you do

what you need to do.

But you knew that?

Archie, what kind of sandwich do you want?

What's their pastrami like?

She's not gonna take me back.

You know, I don't know.

I only get the corned beef.

Ah, what the heck.

I'm gonna live dangerous today.

I'll take the pastrami, extra lean

or I'd come down there.

I mean what am I gonna even say to her?

That is extra lean, please.

Uh, trust me, you do not want this guy

coming down there.

And roast beef for Henry.

I don't like roast beef.

Who cares what you like!

You wanna try the pastrami?

Ham and cheese on a Kaiser roll.

What the hell is going on here?

And ham and cheese on a Kaiser for Henry.

Archie, how can I go to Denise now?

How would I even begin to explain any of this?

Oh, does anybody wanna know what the soup of the day?

Seriously?

Archie?

Well, it would help if you tell us what the fuck

sort of soup it is.

Clam chowder.

New England clam chowder?

New England?

Manhattan.

Ugh.

That is a hard no on the soup.

Thank you very much.

Well, there you have it, young Dave.

You can either have a New England clam chowder

sort of life, which is rich and romantic

like a deep French kiss on a warm summer day

or you can have a Manhattan clam chowder

sort of life, which is a brown

dreary vegetable soup that smells like fish.

I want her back.

I do.

It's not gonna happen.

Man, you are unbelievable.

Did you say something?

I said you're unbelievable.

No wonder Denise never even mentioned

your name to me.

I mean, if you don't think she could want you back now,

then why would you think she ever wanted you

in the first place?

Don't you get it?

Either give her credit for falling in love with you

or pay her due respect for breaking up with you,

but don't underestimate her.

Oh, I must have knocked some sense in your head

after all.

Maybe I am underestimating her.

I don't wanna marry Denise anymore.

I want New England clam chowder.

She's all yours.

What?

This just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Are you just saying that because of him?

Yeah.

No.

No.

I mean granted I don't have a lot of choice

in the matter, but no.

Now that I think about it, I don't wanna marry her.

But this is Denise.

I know, man. But look at you.

Huh, I mean, I barely know you and I can tell

that she turned you inside out and back again.

I am not ready to give myself, heart and soul,

to someone who could do that to me.

- Yes, man. - Hmm.

What did I say in the car?

This is a rescue mission.

At last, we're all on the same page.

- Let's go. - Come on.

There's no way.

I mean... I mean, just because he isn't in love

with her doesn't mean that she isn't in love with him.

And even if she isn't, doesn't mean that she's in love

with me anymore.

David. Dave.

Before you knew that Denise was getting married,

you were gonna go down there, talk to her and tell her

how you felt to see if that meant anything

to her still, right?

Okay? So as it turns out she is not getting married,

so nothing has changed.

Maybe this can happen, I mean really happen.

I knew I could make a true believer of you.

Right, come on!

Okay, let's go and pick up that food and get to the church.

This pastrami isn't lean.

It's not lean.

Call this lean?

I said lean.

And where's the mustard?

There is no mustard!

There's no mustard here!

Who's got the mustard?

You.

You. I knew I should have kept that gag on you.

I want half of that ham and cheese.

Why?

Why?

Because my pastrami is fatty, because there is no mustard,

and because you're my fucking prisoner,

give me the sandwich!

This is gonna make a great story for the grandkids

someday.

Yours or mine?

Yours.

I am never getting married and I'm never having kids.

Hmm.

And what are you gonna do when you fall in love?

Ugh, won't happen.

As Dave can attest to, I only gamble on things

that I can count on.

She never lets anyone get that close to her.

Is that right? Hmm.

Simple but ingenious plan to avoid all of this

emotional chaos and baggage.

Well, you seem to have got it all sorted out,

haven't you?

Right, Morris?

But I have to tell you, you're full of crap.

You may be a girl, Morris, but your balls

are on the same pendulum as everyone else on the planet,

they're just going to get clapped,

it's just a matter of time.

Hey, we're almost at the church.

We're almost at the church.

Well, you don't expect our friend here to pinch hit

for you wearing that costume.

I'll be happy if I can just get her

to start dating me again.

I don't need to get married today.

Dave, this is your chance to hit for the fences.

Now, shut up and tell me your suit size.

42 regular.

Henry?

46 long.

Close enough. Swap over now.

We're doing it.

Come on, come on, help each other.

Help each other here.

Yup, good, good, get him on first here.

- Quick, quick, quick, quick. - Be careful, it's Italian.

- Yeah. - Oh, oh, okay.

- What? - Italian?

Nice quality, too.

Here. Okay.

Keep going, keep going, keep... good.

Oh, shit, man.

There's blood stains all over it.

Ah, no one's gonna notice.

You expect me to get my ex-girlfriend back

wearing her fiancé's blood-stained tuxedo?

There speaks the nervous groom.

Where's the vest?

No vest, it was a cummerbund.

I'm fine, the cummerbund.

Where is it?

- I don't know. - Shit.

I used it to choke Henry here in the car park of the church.

Well, what did you do with it after?

I stuck it down the sewer at the bar.

Like that's the first thing Denise is going to notice

when she sees you instead of Henry.

You had to use the cummerbund.

You couldn't use your hands or something?

Look, will you stop criticizing the way I work?

- I'm sorry. - Okay, good.

I'm sorry. I am nervous.

Oh, gosh, you're nervous.

I wasn't expecting to get married today.

It's okay. You're going to get married!

He is gonna get married!

Hey!

Should I even ask what I'm supposed to do

about a ring?

Funny you should ask, because I picked one up

this very morning.

From where?

I went to Jared.

I'm sure glad things worked out this way.

Yeah.

And when that swelling goes down,

you're gonna be like a new man.

Now, do you require me to beat some sense

into your head or are you prepared to walk

the line for love?

- I'm ready. - Good.

I'm so sorry about the mustard stain

on the bow tie.

Diverts the attention away from the blood.

What am I supposed to tell Denise

when she asks where Henry is?

Tell her the truth.

I don't even know what the truth is.

Oh, come on.

The truth is what is always has been, always will be.

It doesn't matter where Henry is because you're the one

she's going to marry, because you're the one

who's destined for her.

Oh, and if you see my mother,

would you tell her I'm sorry and I will call her later.

Am I free to go now?

Did I say you are free to go now?

Right.

Well, come on, come on.

You don't want Denise to think she's been stood up

at the altar.

Hey, hey, hey, you sure you don't want

a quick bachelor party because the strip club

is just down the block.

Yeah, I'm sure.

But I do expect you to get me a honeymoon suite

in Vegas.

Comp'd.

You got it, cuz.

Oh God, he wants to start another conversation.

I don't know what to say.

- Good. - Thank you.

You're welcome!

- Go! - Go!

Davey, Davey!

Whoo!

You think he's really got a chance?

I have no idea.

Oh, what the hell?

This can't be.

Uh, who is that guy?

Who's that guy?

Who's that girl?

She is smoking hot.

What do you mean who's that girl?

That is Denise.

No, that's not Denise.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Of course, that's Denise, man.

No. No, that's not Denise.

I mean, maybe that's your Denise but that's not the Denise

I was gonna marry.

Archie?

What the hell is going on?

"Congratulations,

Denise and Henry and Denise and Joe."

Oh, fuck.

I kidnapped the wrong bridegroom.

Oh, well.

I'm sorry? "Oh, well?"

You kidnapped the wrong groom and all you have to say

is "oh, well"?

That's so crazy.

Two Denises getting married at the same place

on the same day.

Some coincidence, huh?

Henry, you are officially released.

Oh, unless...

Unless you wanna marry your Denise.

No, no.

I knew which Denise I was marrying the whole time.

See ya.

Denise, please wait!

Dave!

Hey, forget about it, man!

You're too late.

Jesus, would you look at him?

You gotta do something.

Like what? Gun him down in the street?

I don't know. Something.

Anything.

Oh, God.

I gotta get out of this racket.

This is your fault.

Even dogs deserve to die with some dignity.

Right.

Ah!

Mmm.

Sorry, Dave!

Some things are just not meant to be.

Denise!

Da... Dave?

Oh my God, what are you doing here?

I've come to...

Bull's-eye.

Good shot.

Yes, I can still do it!

My work here is done.

Are you sure?

I mean, he's still breathing.

You can't be married!

He's not Henry.

What?

He's... that's Henry.

Who... who's Henry?

All I see is your stupid cousin and some old man

wearing red sneakers?

Henry's your fiancé.

What?

I don't know Henry, I married Joe.

Dave, you need to get some help.

I did get help, I got Archie.

And he kidnapped Henry and shoved him

in the bathroom stall,

and then... and then threatened to kill me,

then we had deli at my apartment, and all

so you and I could be together now.

Well, Dave, I...

I don't even know what to say to you, okay?

You need to move the fuck on!

But you've always wanted this big movie moment.

Here it is, New England clam chowder.

New... New England?

But you know, there was a moment a while back

that I thought maybe it was you and not Joe.

And?

And here I am, you know.

Sure, I never got that big movie moment,

but who cares when you're really in love?

Like who cares how love happens.

Are you ready, my princess?

Oh, Denise, no.

Oh, Denise, please.

No, no. Denise.

Come back.

Come back!

You know what, Archie, your tactics

were a little unorthodox, but for a while there

I really thought you had your shit together.

Yeah, well, that's the problem, you see.

Everyone loves a winner, but love is not a winning game.

That is why I never play.

- Never play? - Hmm.

You will.

One day.

Sooner than you think.

Stella?

Stella, is that you?

Dave.

You have an arrow in your ass.

I know.

Denise is married.

Is that so?

Come with me. I'll get you healed right up.

Can we have chocolate cake?

Of course.

But Dave here, at least, has learned a lesson today.

Really? What lesson is that?

Never talk to a stranger in a bar.

Talking of which, I'm thirsty.

Come and join me.

Oh, fuck!

Isn't that the girl that Dave met at Vegas?

Damn!

Anyone ever told you, you can be a real prick?

Not in the last two minutes.